Part 2: Twelve Practical Ways to Reduce Anxiety

Yesterday I started Part 1 of the 12 ways to Reduce Anxiety Series--check it out here:

As a reminder:

Anxiety, Stress, Overwhelm, whatever your name for, the constant need to "go go go" is driving you crazy, affecting not only your physical health but your personal life, work-life, and your overall happiness.

Common signs of this issue:

• You are constantly checking your to-do list.

• The feeling of unworthiness

• Checking and double-checking everything

• Always on the go, always something to do "busy, busy, busy."

• Trouble relaxing even when you have set aside time to relax.

• Frequent physical symptoms: racing heart, headaches, stomach aches, or insomnia (to name a few)

 Here are tips #5-8:

5. Set Boundaries:

Often anxiety stems from feeling out of control. When we feel out of control, it is usually a sign that we need to set some boundaries in our life—saying no to the draining neighbor, to the PTA requests, to the co-worker that always wants you to cover for them, or to the family member that is just exhausting. It is ok to set boundaries in your life and say no. Pay attention to the activities you are engaging in and ask yourself: Do I want to be engaging in this activity? Why am I engaging in this activity? Could I say no to this activity?

Boundaries allow us to live a life that is full and juicy. Boundaries allow us to engage in the activities and with the people who energize us (therefore reducing anxiety). Boundaries allow us to feel in control of our lives as much as possible, which reduces anxiety.

6. Speak your Needs:

Boundaries and needs go hand in hand. Once you start to know what you need and start asking for it, you can ask for: support, help, a hug, feedback, or a good listener. The possibilities are endless. Learning how to speak up for myself and ask for what I need at the moment has dramatically reduced my anxiety. Life doesn't feel so scary and out of control when you can ask for what you need.

7. Dramatize the Worry:

Frequently the thing you are fretting about is ridiculous. When I can dramatize my anxiety using silly voices and over-indulgent hand gestures, it puts my anxiety in its place. Let's say you are worried about what your boss thinks of you. So you spend all morning stressing about what you are wearing, what you will say at your upcoming presentation, and your behavior at the company luncheon. When you catch yourself stressing, start to play it out. Say out loud (if you can) in your boss's voice what you are worried she is saying about you. Act out the interaction with her based on your anxieties. Frequently our anxieties fester in our heads, and in reality, they are absurd. By play-acting the worry, the absurdity becomes more apparent.

8. Control What you Can Let Go of the Rest:

When you find yourself amping up, repeat the mantra (out loud preferably): "I can't control everything." The illusion of control is an anxiety sufferer's biggest lie. It is helpful to recognize that much of life is out of your control. You can only control yourself (e.g., you can set your boundaries and speak your needs), but you can't control: traffic, other people's actions, perceptions, reactions, or thoughts. Remind yourself frequently that you are doing the best you can with what you have right now, and let the rest go.

In case you missed it:

• Part 1: Tips 1-4

• Part 3: Tips 9-12

Part 1: Twelve Practical Ways to Reduce Anxiety

Anxiety, Stress, Overwhelm, whatever your name for, the constant need to "go go go" is driving you crazy, affecting not only your physical health but your personal life, work-life, and your overall happiness.

Common signs of this issue:

• You are constantly checking your to-do list.

• The feeling of unworthiness

• Checking and double-checking everything

• Always on the go, always something to do "busy, busy, busy."

• Trouble relaxing even when you have set aside time to relax.

• Frequent physical symptoms: racing heart, headaches, stomach aches, or insomnia (to name a few)

Today I am starting my three-part series on easing anxiety. 

1. Build Awareness:

#1 way to ease anxiety, notice it is happening. If you aren't aware that you are feeling anxious, you won't ever change the behavior. For the next week or so, just notice how often you find yourself exhibiting one of the above symptoms. No judgment. No change in behavior, just awareness. If you are comfortable, invite family and friends to chime in too. Ask them to tell you when they notice you acting anxious.

2. Be Curious:

Ask yourself what is going on? What are you FEELING? Often, those of us with anxiety are 'hopping' ourselves up to avoid something else. For example, you might be scared because your husband might be losing his job, so you throw yourself into your to-do list, making sure to get everything done at record speed, rather than deal with the fear you hop yourself up into an anxiety state. Your husband losing his job is anxiety-provoking, and checking everything off your to-do list in record time won't help him keep his job. It will just make you more miserable. Slowing down and recognizing that you are scared and giving yourself some understanding and compassion around that won't help him either, but it will help you feel better in the moment.

3. Do a Full Body Movement

Throughout the day, move your body, stretch, dance, reach for the sky, walk around your house. I encourage clients to make getting into your body a ritual. Anytime you are at a stoplight, stretch. Anytime you hang up the phone at work, walk around the office. Anytime you get in the car, shrug your shoulders. Anytime you recognize you are anxious, do a full-body movement. By developing rituals around getting into your body--you will get out of your head and reduce anxiety overall. 

4. Exercise:

A regular exercise routine allows a natural release of your anxiety. It doesn't have to be super intense: dancing in the living room, walking after dinner, or a yoga practice, whatever inspires you to move. Movement not only releases the anxiety it also grounds you in your body. Anxiety forces you into your head, and by moving your body, you get out of your head, therefore, decreasing the lasting effects of anxiety.

Make sure to read parts 1 and 2. 

Meditations for those Who Hate to Meditate

We hear it all the time:

"The number one way to reduce stress is to Meditate."

And it's true. And for many of us (me included), mediation is HARD, if not downright painful. The idea of sitting quietly for even 2 minutes can be fear-inducing!! So while yes, meditating has amazing health benefits, both physical and mental, it is also just not a realistic possibility for some of us right now, and that is OK. The goal of meditation is to bring you back into your body so you can hear your wise voice. The more you can ground yourself in the present moment, the more you can reduce your reactivity in life. So if the idea of sitting in silence for any amount of time is anxiety-inducing, check out these other possibilities.

Walking meditation: The Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh talks about a walking meditation (even wrote a book about it). Which is simply slowly walking and coordinating your breath with your steps. You can walk on the street, on a labyrinth, or in your living room.

Eating Meditation: With each bite of food, slow down and pay attention. Slowly chew, slowly swallow, slowly taste. What flavors do you taste? How does the food feel in your mouth?

Find your Crayons: You don't have to be a child to color. Coloring naturally narrows your focus and slows your breathing. Using crayons, colored pencils, or markers, grab your favorite coloring book and start coloring.

Five senses: This is one of my favorites. Wherever you are, take a breath and do an inventory of your five senses. In the moment, what do you see? What do you feel? What do you hear? What do you taste? What do you smell? This meditation brings you immediately to the present moment. I practice this in the car, in the store, and my office.

Use a Mantra: If you want to try 'traditional meditation,' repeat a phrase in your mind. Set your timer, close your eyes, and repeat a calming word or phrase. As your mind wanders, keep coming back to the phrase.

Starfish: A client of mine told me about this meditation. Sprawl on the floor like a starfish and notice your surroundings. Notice how you feel, what you see etc.

Guided Meditation: One of the only ways I can successfully mediate is through a guided meditation. There are many many out there that walk you through the process.

Use your Breath: Many meditations use your breath. One of my favorites is simple three deep breaths. You can also inhale to a 4 count, hold for 7 and exhale to a count of 8 and repeat 4 times.

All of these are wonderful ways to bring you back to the present moment. And allow you to reconnect with yourself, your body, and your wisdom.

The Procrastination Problem

Procrastination. I am guilty of it; my clients are guilty of it. We have stuff we want to do, but we don't do it.

Why do we procrastinate? Is it a lack of willpower? A lack of desire? Because we are weak and pathetic? Or is it something else?

Here are a few of my theories.

Perfectionism. When I was in school, I would procrastinate until the very last minute on an assignment. I would be rushing to finish a paper before the deadline (it is still a habit today--just ask my nearest and dearest) Deadlines motivate me. So knowing this about myself, I can then know that procrastination is part of my process. No need to panic, no need to guilt myself or beat myself up--I GET something from procrastinating. AND I also lose something: it drives those around me crazy, causes undue pressure on myself, and most importantly, I don't always give my best product. Part of the reason I procrastinate is as a coping mechanism for my perfectionist tendencies--I can only do as well as the time I have been given. So I have to stop working on the task not because it is perfect but because my time is up. If I start the task 2 weeks before it is due, I will drive myself crazy trying to perfect it, so to cope, I tend to procrastinate. While I am working on letting go of my perfectionist tendencies, I can understand that procrastination is part of the process.

Fear. Change is hard. Even baby step change is hard. If you are scared to tackle a new task, you might engage in procrastination. Because we convince ourselves, it is best not to fail. In an attempt to keep us safe and protected, our Monger fills us with messages of comfort and security and the pain of risk and failure. My dad sold insurance and shared his strategies for making cold calls. First thing in the morning, he would sit down at his desk, and his first instinct was to procrastinate on the calls. So he would call someone he knew who wanted to hear from him and give him some positive feedback and energy. THEN he would have the energy to embrace the cold calls. He just needed a little help getting going. Figuring out what is underneath your procrastination and what baby steps you can take to accomplish the goal is helpful. Recognizing that you are procrastinating due to fear is the first step. Then give yourself some room around that. Finally, figure out what step you can take with minimal risk to give you some confidence and energy to keep going.

Maybe now isn't the time. Sometimes the fact that we are procrastinating is a sign that now is not the time. After weeks of procrastination, clients have said, "You know I don't think I want to do ____, I think that is what my procrastination is telling me." I have found that frequently our gut speaks through procrastination. When there is a lot of resistance (aka procrastination) to an activity/change, do a gut check: Am I afraid? Am I too much of a perfectionist? or Is now not the time?

“Someone Always Has it Worse” Syndrome

We all have stories. We all have stresses and anxieties in our lives. Too often, rather than feel the emotions tied to these anxieties and stresses, we talk ourselves out of them with four simple words "Someone has it worse."

Recently at a cocktail party, a woman I talked with was sharing about her son's recent cancer diagnosis. As she described the painstaking process of getting help and the sense of loss and anger she was feeling, she quickly said, "But when you go to Children Hospital's, you can see there are children so much worse off. I feel so bad because our problems are minimal. We are lucky."

Lucky?!? Really?!? Because your son is only diagnosed with leukemia and not brain cancer? I quietly turned to her and said, "Doesn't matter what illness it is watching your child suffer has to be an emotional roller coaster" She looked at me, took a big exhale, and said, "Thank you, it has been the most challenging thing I have ever gone through."

We live in a society of comparison, one-upmanship, and well, at least I am not that person. It is humbleness gone amuck. What if we all just owned our stresses and stories? What if we were able to say to ourselves or a loved one, "Today was a tough day" and not have to hear a barrage of "think positive"; "it could be worse," or "it's not that bad." Instead, the response would be, "I am sorry you had a tough day," or "tell me about it," or "let me know if I can help."

Maybe right now you are overwhelmed with work, and you are struggling to get out of bed each morning, and you see your friend who is juggling three kids under 8, a dying parent, and a full-time job.

So you think to yourself:

"I should be better."

"I should be as strong as my friend."

"I am such a wimp."

Who is that helping?

Telling yourself, you are weak and SHOULD be like someone else because they have more severe problems? Who is that helping?

Does that make your friend feel better?

Does it make you feel better?

No and No.

It doesn't help your friend at all and makes you feel worse.

Having a bad day? It's OK.

Grieving the loss of a pet? It's OK.

Frustrated with the snow and cold? It's OK.

Whatever is registering on your stress list, it is OK to feel that stress. Someone somewhere will always have it worse. But you not feeling your pain won't take away their pain. When we ignore our pain because 'someone always has it worse,' all we are doing is ignoring our pain--we aren't helping them, and we aren't helping ourselves. We are providing a misguided excuse not to deal with our pain.

A Friendly Reminder to Lean In

Lately, the phrase 'lean in' has been running through my brain. Lean in such a simple and wonderful reminder. Lean into the hugs my nearest and dearest gives me. Lean into the support of friends and family. Lean into the emotions, joy, sadness, fear. Once I started paying attention to it, I realized that leaning in is helpful to practice in life.

Being the independent soul that I am, I tend to pride myself on 'going it alone,' not needing anybody. But in all honesty, that is a lonely life--we need to lean in--reach out--share our story, and ask for help. When my husband hugs me frequently, I will remind myself to 'lean in' and take the hug for all its worth. Or when I am having a stressful day, and my first inclination is to forge ahead, dig deeper and become a virtual stress machine, I will remind myself to 'lean in' to what my body is telling me. When I lean in, life gets better. My relationships get stronger, my peace of mind is greater, I am happier. It isn't my first response, it isn't the easiest response, but it is a helpful response.

Leaning in is the opposite of running from. Duh, you might say, but most of us spend a lot of time running from our emotions, the unhappy parts of our lives, our fears, our shame, etc. When we can stop the run, lean in, and face what we are running, we can move forward in a more authentic, less anxious way. Leaning in is not an intuitive action (at least not for me). It is something I have to remind myself to do.

Sometimes, after my nearest and dearest and I have a fight, and we have gone to bed, I lie there feeling raw and exposed. My instinct is to shut down and close off, and then I hear my wise self quietly whisper, "lean in." I roll over and hug him, and I feel us both relax. I remind myself we are a team and I am safe, and everything is ok. Lean in, take a breath, feel the feelings, and then take action.

Leaning in requires vulnerability. It requires us to do the opposite of what is comfortable. So it is best to lean in the 'safe people' in our lives to share the struggles and the joys. Yes, we even have to be reminded to lean into the joys of our life. Too often, we are so afraid that if we celebrate too much, the joy will vanish, or by celebrating, we aren't modest enough, and we will suffer some consequence.

If you think of walking down the street on a windy day, the easiest way to maneuver is to lean into the wind. Standing straight and tall, being rigid and stoic will make it that much more challenging to walk. If you can link arms with someone as you walk through the wind, it gets even easier. When we lean in, we naturally relax, and we can shift and move as needed. The wind is still there, but rather than fighting against it, we are moving with it.

Where in your life could you use a little 'lean in'?

Using Technology to Cope with Anxiety

Last week as per tradition, my nearest and dearest and I joined a group of friends to celebrate New Year's Eve in a cabin in the woods. The cabin is in the middle of nowhere, so there is no cell service, no wifi, no connection with the outside world.

On the first morning, I sat down at the dining room table, looked out the window at the beautiful winter landscape, and opened my book. Two things immediately struck me.

1. The quiet. The serene and calmness of the day.

2. My underlying anxiety. My overwhelming urge to check my email, look for missed calls or peruse Facebook.

Here I was in the middle of beauty and nature. I had literally been counting the days until I would be in this peaceful location, and I was FREAKING OUT. I knew my addiction to technology was bad, but I didn't know how bad it had gotten. So I decided to practice what I preach and I just noticed. 

• I noticed every time I had the urge to 'check in' via technology. 

• I noticed every time I wanted to 'google' an answer to a question. 

• I noticed every time I wanted to post a picture to social media. 

I was shocked at how frequently I had an urge. I noticed. Every time I noticed, I breathed.

Here is what I noticed:

I am not that important. You know what I missed with three days of disconnectedness. NOTHING. Now granted, it was a holiday, and with running my business, it would be challenging not to be connected for three days on a workweek. But my world didn't stop because I didn't see everyone's New Year's wishes. My life wasn't incomplete when I missed the emails trying to sell me the latest program for 2014.

I don't have to know the answer. Surprisingly the activity I missed the most was not being able to Google an answer to a question. To live in that 'uncertainty' was terrifying and freeing. To have to debate without a definitive answer. To have to 'let it go' was fun!

Hands down, my most significant and most life-changing confirmation (I had suspected this for some time) technology is how I cope with my anxiety and innate "Introvertedness." It is how I can 'disconnect' within a group of people.

• I look up the answer' while everyone is talking.

• I 'check my email' when there is a lull in the conversation.

• I can dive into Facebook when I am feeling overwhelmed.

So to BE without my security blanket was TOUGH. However, I also realized it is a catch-22. The more 'connected' I am via technology, the more anxious I become. As with all harmful addictions, it is selling me an un-truth.

By the end of our stay, I was more relaxed, grounded, and at peace. I resolved to decrease my technology usage (specifically my iPad usage), and it had been an interesting process. So far, some days are better than others. Because without my technology, I have to breathe through the anxiety. As I always say, decreasing anxiety is a process. The more we can face ourselves, notice, and breathe, the easier the journey becomes.

Obligations and Shoulds—When to Say No

I have written several blog posts on the art of saying no. Sometimes the real battle comes with when to say no. We have so many obligations, so many 'shoulds,' it is hard to recognize when we can say no. If you are filling time with obligations and shoulds, it is time to do an inventory of how you are spending your time.

So the next time you are confronted with a "Do you want to....?" request. Simply say, "Let me get back to you." and then ask yourself these questions.

Who will I be helping by doing this activity?

Your kids

Your spouse

Yourself

The PTA

Your boss

Someone you love

Someone who drives you crazy

Someone who would do it for you in a heartbeat

Someone who wouldn't do it for you if it were reversed

Notice who you will be helping or WHO you are doing the activity for. It might appear it is for the PTA, but really it is for your kids. Or it might appear you are helping a neighbor, but really it is because your neighbor helped you last year, and you don't want to feel guilty later, so you are helping yourself--which is ok but helpful, to be honest about it. Get clear on who you are helping. 

Why am I doing this activity?

it will be fun

I HAVE TO or SHOULD

I am required

"A good mom" would...

I will feel guilty if I don't

it will make me smile

it will make me feel needed

to laugh

to blow off steam

keeps me active so I don't have to be at home alone

If you find yourself saying yes a lot and don't know why this is an important question. This question takes an honest answer--too often, we say yes out of obligation, to avoid guilt, or fulfill some need inside. When we are constantly saying yes when we don't want to--the answer is usually here.

What will I get out of doing this activity?

Joy

A headache

Drained

Laughter

A chance to decompress

Time with my child

Time doing my passion

Too often, the answer to this is a negative one. When we always say yes to activities no matter what we get out of them, we are so exhausted we miss engaging in the fun, joyful activities. When we can pick and choose more activities that feed us and fewer activities that drain us, we can truly enjoy the fun and joy. 

How will I feel after I do this activity?

Happy

Exhausted

Checked out

Re-energized

Tired but Grateful

Sometimes the idea of doing the activity sounds painful, but how we will feel after it is amazing. For example, working out, meditating, or going on a walk these activities usually don't sound like fun, but we get a great feeling after we do them.

Tips to Ease Schedule Fatigue

Clients often schedule an appointment because they are tired of being tired, tired of feeling like they will rip someone's head off, tired of running from thing to thing in their lives.

So how do you stop running? How do you stop getting frustrated?

Here are my tips.

Energy Inventory. Get crystal clear on what gives you energy and what takes away your energy. Do an inventory of your life and write down everything that gives you energy and everything that exhausts you. Try to do more activities that give you energy and if you must do activities that take energy away, find ways to add activities back in that give you energy.

I Need to Get Back to You. Form a new habit of saying, "I need to get back to you." Whenever anyone asks you to do something, instead of immediately answering with an automatic "yes," say, "I need to get back to you." This response gives you a chance to check your calendar and decide if you want to do something or not.

What is your Motivation? You don't have to be everything to everyone. Next time you find yourself doing something you don't want to do or feeling frustrated by your to-do list, ask yourself WHY am I doing this activity? What is my motivation? If it is because of a sense of guilt, shame, or to make yourself feel better, then that is why you are so frustrated, most likely. Doing things and filling up your schedule to 'feel better' ALWAYS backfires because it ultimately doesn't work. Feeling better about yourself comes from within, not accomplishing more. I know too many women who over-commit to feel like a 'good mom' or a 'successful career woman' and spend their days frustrated and tired. Then the valuable people in their lives, e.g., their kids, spouses, dear friends, bear the brunt of their frustration rather than the joy of a positive woman in their lives. When we get clear on our motivation, we can let go of the activities we are doing as fillers and get clear on what is most important.

Prioritize Yourself. You are the only you on the planet. The best way to stay strong and connected with yourself and those around you is to take care of yourself. Move your body, watch what you eat, drink water, get your sleep. When you put yourself as a priority, then others will.

Is Your Past Holding You Back?

Everyone has a dirty little secret. Maybe you lost a job--maybe you didn't graduate from college--maybe you have been divorced (multiple times). I call these our dirty little secrets. Things you are ashamed of. Things that are holding you back from doing something great.

"I want to meet someone, but I can't date. How will I tell them I have been divorced twice?"

"I hate my job, but there is no point in looking for another one because I never graduated from college."

"I will never be able to retire because I had to declare bankruptcy."

The wonderful and amazing thing about dirty little secrets:

1. We all have them.

2. Whatever our secret is--it is probably only 'dirty' to us.

Over the years, we have taken our secret and cultivated it. We have become experts at growing the secret and allowing it to limit us, hold us back and keep us stuck. We have fine-tuned the secret. The irony is that we assume that everyone in the world is judging us for divorce or bankruptcy when in reality, everyone in the world is too consumed with their dirty little secret to judge us.

Yes, your dirty little secret might be painful and shame-filled. And it deserves to be grieved, honored, and moved past. We all have dirty little secrets.

So the next time you hear yourself say, "I can't do that because I have this dirty little secret."

Pause.

Breathe.

Ask yourself:

Is my secret that dirty?

Did I learn something in the process?

Do I have unfinished stuff from this secret (Do I need to grieve, apologize, forgive myself for someone else?)

Am I a better person because of that secret?

Could someone learn from me if I shared it with the world?

What is this secret holding me back from?

How would my life be different if I worked on letting it go?

Unhealthy Ways to Speak Our Needs

I am a HUGE believer in speaking up for yourself. You have to not only know what you need but know how to speak up for it. Unfortunately, many of us weren’t taught how to speak up for ourselves growing up, so we learned many unhealthy coping mechanisms to get around speaking our needs.

Here are some of the most common tactics for getting around needs.

Passive Aggressive: Agreeing to do something and then sabotaging it later—being late, doing a half-assed job, punishing your partner for the tiniest thing.

Keeping Score:  You don’t ever stress about having to ask for a need because you have a running tally in your head. When a need arises, you check the running tally and say to yourself, “Well, I did this for him, so he has to do that for me.” You justify the need by keeping score.

Bait and Switch:  I confess I am guilty of this one. So you ask for one thing and then later fill in what you really want. You say to yourself, spouse, “Can you run to the grocery store to get milk?” And then she says yes, and you respond with, “Oh, and can you also get eggs, butter, spinach, and bread?” or you say, “I want to go to this party this weekend.” And then on the way there, you add, “By the way, there are going to be 100 people there, and you won’t know any of them.”

Expecting a Mind Read:  Saying, “I’m fine” when you aren’t and expecting your partner to pick up that something is wrong. Hinting through your tone of voice or veiled comments that you need someone to do something for you.

Dancing Around it.  You want someone to come over, so you say, “Remember the last time you came over, wasn’t that fun?” You don’t directly ask for the need but dancing all around it. Linda might say, “Wow, I am so tired from work today. It would be nice if dinner just magically appeared.”

Shut Down and Pout. When mind reading goes wrong, and the need doesn’t get met—you respond by shutting down and pouting. When your loved ones ask, “Is something wrong?” Your response is, “I am fine. Nothing is wrong,” when obviously something is wrong. You might stop talking to your husband altogether or go on a protest by not doing the laundry for a week.

The Super Giver: You give and give and give seemingly without needs. You might not recognize that you have needs. Suddenly you are just DONE, and you take everyone by surprise by blowing up and storming out. Pay attention to how much you deflect your needs into caretaking rather than speaking up for yourself.

Recognize yourself in one of these--you are not alone. Here are some ways to speak your needs in a healthy way.

Before Speaking Your Needs You Need to Notice Them

Clearly Speaking Your Needs

What is Really Behind All that Drama?

In the past, I have written about how insults can be more about them. Today I want to draw attention to the fact that we often get defensive and indignant about what someone said to us rather than looking at why that particular comment felt insulting. When your first reaction to someone is, "what a bitch, I can't believe she said that to me." It might be time for you to go against your first impulse to stir up a bunch of drama and pause and get curious about yourself.

Let's look at Julie and Susan.

Julie has to give a presentation for work. She knows the content, but she struggled with using technology to display her presentation. Julie was up most of the night beating herself up about how lack of technology know-how. She did the presentation, and it went well! Julie is pleased with how well it was received despite her technology ignorance. After the presentation, one of Julie's co-workers comes up to her and says, "nice job on that presentation, you nailed it. There are tons of new technologies when it comes to presentation software. If you want, I can help you next time." Her first reaction is, "What a bitch! Who does she think she is? I can't believe she had the nerve to say that to me."

Julie then runs to another co-worker and re-tells the story (maybe embellishing for effect), who is equally stunned and fuels Julie's anger. Because of all the drama, Julie's day is ruined. She totally lost sight of the fact that she nailed the presentation and made her co-worker (who was trying to help) into a raging bitch.

Now let's do that scenario a little differently, this time with Susan.

Susan gave a presentation for work, and even though she struggles a bit with technology, she muddled through Powerpoint and feels good. Even though she knows she has more to learn, she did a fantastic job considering how little she understands technology. She worked hard and prepared, and it paid off. After the presentation, Susan is feeling fabulous. One of her co-workers comes up to her and says, "Nice job on that presentation, you nailed it. There are a lot of new technologies when it comes to presentation software if you want, I can help you next time."

"Great!" Susan says. "I would love the help. I need to learn about technology. Thank you for the offer."

There are two concepts to pull from these stories.

One: We tend to get 'triggered' by someone's feedback when we are already beating ourselves up about the topic. The fact that Julie was feeling sensitive about her technology ignorance resulted in her feeling threatened by the offer to help. In that scenario, Julie's Monger became the co-worker. Even though Julie's co-worker was nice and helpful, Julie probably heard, "Wow, you really suck at technology. I could totally help you, but you might be a lost cause".

Two: Because we tend to get triggered by our own 'stuff, it is important to recognize when we get triggered AND then do a check-in to see--is this really about me? After Julie leaves the meeting and has chatted with her co-worker, her first reaction might not be to run to tell a friend but rather to stop and ask herself, "What else is going on? My reaction is way more intense than what she said to me."

Scenarios like this are why we must have good friends, so when Julie goes to share the story with a friend, rather than jumping on board and soaking up the drama, a good friend would say, "Hey, that seems like a nice offer from your co-worker, why did it trigger you so much?"

Sometimes we hear our Monger in what other people are saying. Next time you notice yourself causing drama and stirring the pot--ask what else is happening here?

Taking Things Too Personally? Sometimes it is More About Them.

As human beings, there are many ways we tend to be self-centered. One of the most common ways is that we think whatever is happening is all about us. If someone gives us a backhanded compliment, says something disrespectful, treats us rudely, or just acts out, we usually think we did something wrong. We assume they are mad at us or that we deserved whatever slight just came along, and we get angry, defensive, or sad. But if you go with the rule that we are all self-centered, then if that person did act disrespectful or rude 99% of the time, it is about them. They are having a bad day, month, or year, they are pissed off about something, they are feeling triggered or upset. 99% of the time, their behavior has absolutely nothing to do with us.

Here are some common scenarios where it is more about them.

If someone gives you a backhanded compliment, usually it is more about them than you. You are out at an event; you just got your hair cut into one of those cute pixie dos. You are feeling a little insecure about it, and someone comments, "Oh, you got your haircut! Those pixie cuts are so cute; not everyone can pull it off". So what are they REALLY saying there?!? I would venture to guess that they aren't even thinking about you or your hair. They think that they couldn't pull off that hair-do.

People with high standards are usually living in a hell of their own with impossibly high standards. If someone you know is militant about weight or appearance, or money. And they make you feel extremely insecure about your appearance, weight, or money--imagine how insecure THEY must feel. Usually, when someone has super high standards for everyone else, they have SUPER SUPER high standards for themselves. So remember, it is more about them than you.

Someone cuts you off or is rude to you in the grocery store. They might be an asshole, or they might be exacting revenge for the fact that you unknowingly walked in front of them. But more likely, they are having a bad day. They might be late for a meeting or on their way to visit their dying mother in the hospital. You never know what someone else is going through.

I am not saying that people have the right to treat you with disrespect or be rude. I am saying that too often, we allow something that is about them to become about us. We allow someone to ruin our entire day because they don't think THEY would look good in a pixie haircut or because THEY are uncomfortable with their weight.

You have a choice in how you react. You have a choice to stop, pause and ask yourself, is this situation more about them, and am I unnecessarily picking up their stuff?

By asking yourself, is this about them? You can then begin to have curiosity about how they see the world. You can let go of the notion that everything is about you and see the world from the perspective that we all have pain, sadness, and things that trigger us. We are all doing the best we can with what we have at that moment.

When the Monger Takes Over Your Loved Ones

We have talked a lot about what to do with your Monger. But what happens when someone you love is being attacked by their Monger? Here's a story:

Linda and Jeremy are driving to Jeremy's parents for a family reunion. All of Jeremy's siblings are coming. While the kids watch a DVD in the back, Linda and Jeremy discuss the family reunion. The closer they get, the more stress Linda picks up from Jeremy. She knows his brother stresses him out, and they have some silly competition about 'who can be more manly,' and she knows that as soon as they arrive at the in-laws, her loving, caring, kind, attentive husband will turn into this sexist, 'women do all the work,' jerk. She tells herself to be understanding. He is, after all, dealing with his Monger, and if there is one thing, she knows it is to be compassionate. But it drives her crazy that he becomes a different person around his brother, and then at night, when it is just the 2 of them, he is overrun by his Monger, feeling like a bad husband, bad father, a bad man in general.

Generally, in this situation, one of 2 things happen. 

1. When they get alone time, Linda confronts Jeremy about what a jerk he is and how he turns into a sexist pig whenever he is around his brother. or 

2. Linda sucks it up, she realizes Jeremy is struggling with his mongers, and even though it drives her crazy, she says nothing. She uses all her energy to be compassionate for Jeremy.

Compassion is a wonderful thing to have for yourself, for your partner, for all the people in your life. However, compassion does not mean that you get disrespected, treated like crap, or made to feel like an idiot. I want to throw out option 3. Clearly, Linda knows this is a problem. It isn't the first time Jeremy has had this dynamic with her family. In fact, it is EVERY time. Unfortunately once, Linda gets home, she is so thankful that they are home that she forgets that this family dynamic even happens!!

In Option 3, Linda talks to Jeremy about his Monger when the subject isn't so charged. NOT on their way to, during, or even immediately after the event, but when they are both calm, connected, and have some space. So a few days after the event, once Jeremy's Monger has settled down and they are back in the normal swing of family life, Linda broaches the subject of how she feels about Jeremy's actions around his family. Linda is calm, relaxed, and compassionate. She doesn't shame, attack or belittle Jeremy. Instead, she shares how she feels and what she observes. She approaches it from a team perspective "what can WE together do to make sure your Monger doesn't go crazy, and we get to have the loving, caring Jeremy around." Instead of arguing, they have a loving discussion implementing guidelines for what they can do differently next time. 

For example, 

• develop a signal for when Jeremy starts acting out,

• give the Monger a name so Linda can lovingly refer to the Monger rather than belittling Jeremy,

• plan times when they can be alone as a family away from Jeremy's family to give him a chance to regroup.

The next time on the way to the family reunion, Linda and Jeremy can review the guidelines they put in place, and they can remind each other that it is a PROCESS. It won't go perfectly this time, but they will not be miserable at family events over time working together.

Linda doesn't have to take on the role of super compassionate victim or irate wife. Instead, she can lovingly confront her husband speak her needs, and develop a plan to overcome the Monger.

The Power in Leaking

Last week on our first day of vacation in San Francisco, I had a literal run-in with a Segway. Newsflash: Segways can be dangerous. So here I am 10 days later in a walking boot and crutches--no breaks, just a bone bruise, and ankle sprain. To say the least, it has been a challenging couple of weeks.

Frustrations can hit at any time, whether it is a health issue, getting the kids ready to head back to school, a conflict with your spouse, a challenging conversation at work. Life certainly throws us curveballs. And that is where the concept of leaking comes in.

Leaking, a term coined by my nearest and dearest, means releasing emotion through your eyes. So it isn't that someone has necessarily hurt you or that you are sad. It is an overwhelm of emotion coming out through your eyes. It can be frustration, fear, sadness, or even happiness. I am a HUGE fan of leaking. It isn't the ugly cry; it is the 'I don't know why I am crying" cry. It is leaking.

Last weekend after the Segway crash, I went to my cousin's baby shower. In my boot, using a knee scooter. I was so excited to be there (the shower is what brought us to San Francisco) to celebrate her future little one. However, by the time we got home, I was exhausted. As we walked into the house, I just started leaking—a release of the pressure cooker a bit.

Studies show tears are healthy. Tears release toxins and encourage endorphins which is an incredible combination. Leaking gets such a bad wrap, but it is a normal, healthy reaction to life's stresses in so many ways. This week I have been doing A LOT of leaking. It has been normal for me to start tearing up and say, "I just need to leak a little bit." And my nearest and dearest hugs me, and off we go. He knows it isn't his fault. He knows he didn't DO anything to make me sad. He knows that I am overwhelmed, and I will be ok.

So tomorrow, when your son criticizes you for putting the wrong jelly on his sandwich, and your boss ridicules you for missing a deadline, and you feel overwhelmed, remember it is ok to leak. It is ok to give yourself a release of emotion. It is ok to take a pause and remember that leaking is healthy.

How to Stop Replaying and Over Analyzing

You are at a cocktail party. A friend of yours introduces you to another woman who is glamorous, intelligent, and witty. Quite honestly, she brings forth your Monger. As the three of you engage in conversation, much to your surprise, you laugh, you have intelligent responses you even crack a few jokes. You realize that you might actually look glamorous, intelligent, and witty yourself, and you start to feel that way too. And then your friend's friend asks what you do for a living. You begin to sweat, feeling the anxiety from your core. You fumble for the right description and try to think of something clever and witty to say. But, how can you describe a desk job in a clever and witty way? So you mutter your standard response, which lands with a thud. Shortly after that, the conversation ends. Maybe because that is how conversations go at parties where there are lots of mixing and mingling, maybe because you answered the question so poorly, and they could see right through your glamorous, intelligent, witty charade!!

As you replay the night with your partner, you keep coming back to this conversation. What could you have said differently? How could it have gone better? What did you do wrong? You obsess and obsess until your spouse is tired of hearing about it. Later that week, you re-tell the story to 3 different friends, also obsessing with them. They all offer helpful advice, loving responses, but none of it helps. Eventually, you realize you are being ridiculous (mainly because everyone keeps telling you that), and you stop talking about it. But that doesn't keep you from obsessing, oh no. You continue to deconstruct the entire conversation, and it always ends with you being a loser who can't have a conversation and answer a simple question cleverly.

Sound familiar? I use to obsess and analyze and pick everything little thing apart. And it never ended well for me. That is the problem with obsessing; it never ends well for you. You always end up losing. The more we obsess, the more fodder we are giving for our Monger. We tell ourselves that we are obsessing to become better people, to learn and grow, but I am here to tell you; you will never learn and grow by obsessing.

Yes, there is something to learn from the party scenario. The problem is easily fixed. Figure out a response that you are proud of to the question "what do you do?" That is it. The bottom line you don't know what those two ladies thought of you at the party, and you never will. But what you do know is that you felt uncomfortable with your response. You felt triggered and less than. And THAT you can learn and grow from. THAT trigger is where the good stuff is.

Once you know the trigger (asking about your job), you know that is the rub. You know that you either need to

1. find a new job

2. figure out a better answer

3. not care what people think about you.

And speaking from experience, option 3 is REALLY challenging, so I think options 1 and 2 are the way to go!

So the next time you find yourself obsessing.

1. Do something different at the moment. The best way to switch your thought process is to move your body so take a deep breath. Do a stretch. Walk around your house/office. Do something physical.

2. Ask yourself what is really bothering me? What am I afraid of? In this scenario, the fear comes from being embarrassed about your job.

3. What could you learn from this experience? If it is your job or the answer to what do you do? Figure out how to change the answer.

Repeat as often as necessary. Initially, you will need to repeat this process frequently times.

Obsessing over situations, conflicts, or conversations can become addicting. It creates a drama that allows us to disconnect from taking action to solve the real problem. The trick is decreasing the Monger drama and increasing the connection with the Biggest Fan.

Pressure Cooker Syndrome

I remember as a child when my mom would be canning green beans or tomatoes. And the pressure cooker she would use had this silver lid on it. As the pot would boil and the pressure would get too much, the steam would escape through this valve and would eventually cause the valve to whistle and dance on the pot.

Some of us struggle with this same phenomenon—something I call Pressure Cooker Syndrome. We try so hard to keep our lids on. Stay in control; keep it all together and do everything right. So from the outside, our lives look perfect, solid, sturdy, and well put together. But on the inside, our lives are full of pressure, steam, and anxiety.

When we live our lives in a pressure cooker, our lives become all or nothing.

Black and White.

Right and Wrong.

We lose perspective.

We lose ourselves.

I tend to go into pressure cooker mode--it is one of my stress modes and something I have to be aware of. When I enter pressure cooker mode, I find myself looking for quick fixes and reaching for external ideas to ease the pressure (e.g., food, wine, mindless video games) ANYTHING to numb out and ease the pressure. But these external modes only provide limited temporary relief.

Real relief from the pressure only comes when I admit to myself I can't keep it all together, I can't do everything, and in fact, I am pretty miserable. Sometimes I can catch myself in this mode after one day. Sometimes, it takes two weeks or more.

But I know my signs:

• Numbing out

• Constantly looking for something 'fun' to do. But either not taking the time to do it or when I do it, I am so worried about doing it right it isn't fun.

• Having if-I-get-this-then-I-will-be-happy thoughts.

• Being overly to-do list-focused.

Ways to Relieve the Pressure:

• Admit to myself, I can't do it all.

• Be kind to myself and give myself compassion

• Share what I am feeling with someone safe.

• Do something nourishing--take a walk, take the afternoon off, say NO to something I don't want to do.

• Re-visit my values and remove the stuff that is on my list that doesn't serve my values

Your Stuff vs. Their Stuff

How often do you decide to do something totally 'normal' totally within reason, and someone close to you has a strong reaction that takes you by surprise, so you change your mind. It is hard to have self-loyalty. It is challenging to stand in your strength and recognize that they have a different perspective; it isn't that your behavior is bad.

These incidents happen all the time:

You decide you want to stop eating red meat for your health, for the environment, for whatever reason you want. Out to dinner, you share this news with a good friend who immediately starts firing off, "Why?" "How are you going to get your protein?" "Red meat isn't bad for you." "Don't you think that is a little extreme?"

Your son loves to paint, and he asks if he can take an art class. You wholeheartedly agree. Later as you are sharing this news with your sister, she says, "Art. That is useless. It is your job to help him learn useful things, not art. Why don't you enroll him in sports or a computer class? At least that stuff is productive."

You and your partner decide to do cell phone-free Saturdays. So you collect all the cell phones in the house and put them in a drawer to facilitate better family time. As you mention this to your mom, she says, "Well, what if I need to get a hold of you? I think that is an extreme reaction, don't you?"

In each of these stories, three things happen:

1. You feel good about your decisions. (YOUR STUFF--"Normal" decision)

2. When you share your decisions with others, they immediately go into shame, belittling, and judgment. (THEIR STUFF--"Abnormal" reaction)

3. You start questioning your decisions (YOU TAKING ON THEIR STUFF--feel like it is the wrong thing to do)

See how that happened? Call it boundaries, call it shame work, call it whatever you want. Bottom line--you took on their stuff. Their stuff could be based on 1000 things that have nothing to do with you.

Maybe your friend grew up on a farm and is passionate about red meat. Maybe she is feeling guilty about her own red meat consumption.

Maybe your sister secretly wishes someone would have encouraged her art as a child, but it got belittled out of her, so she continues that trend.

Maybe your mom is lonely and feels more safe knowing she can call you anytime. Maybe she feels guilty for not having more quality time with you when you were a child.

Honestly, the maybes don't matter because that is THEIR STUFF or that is their abnormal reaction. The goal is for you not to pick up their stuff and run with it. The goal is for you to sit proudly in your decisions and recognize that this decision works for you even if they don't agree. It doesn't have to work for them.

Hard? Yes. 

Amazingly freeing? Totally

So start paying attention to how much you pick up other people's stuff and how much their stuff influences your decisions.

When you notice this happening, remind yourself that your stuff is your stuff and their stuff is their stuff--stand strong, trust yourself, be compassionate.

Listening to Your Wisdom

Those Damn Mongers! Keeping us miserable, telling us how worthless we are. It just gets exhausting!!!

Hands down, the most helpful way I have found to deal with the Monger is first to recognize that SHE IS NOT YOU. She is a part of you that, although she appears scary and mean, is really there to keep you safe and protected. She just uses some pretty nasty techniques to make sure you stay safe.

However, recently in my work with clients (and in my self-work), I have figured out that in this process of separating your voice from the Monger’s voice, to really tell the difference between the two, you not only need to recognize the Monger’s voice but you need to recognize your voice too. I refer to this voice as Your Biggest Fan because she reminds me that you are valuable, lovable, worthy period. You can call it whatever appeals to you, Your Intuition, The Voice of God, or Your Authentic voice, whatever settles best with you. The name doesn’t matter; it is what this voice is doing/saying.

Your Biggest Fan is loving, kind, and compassionate. And this voice usually starts in a whisper. This voice would never in a million years think to belittle yourself. As we grow up and learn how to adapt and survive in our environment, our Monger gets formed. She appears because of messages in the environment, traits we inherited, coping skills, and basically the stuff that just happens living as a human being. Over time our Monger gets stronger and stronger, and our Biggest Fan gets quieter and quieter. I believe it is our job to turn up the volume on our Biggest Fan and turn down the volume on the Monger.

All of this volume adjusting takes time. It is a process filled with awareness, compassion, and curiosity. I have discussed the process for dealing with Mongering here and here. But today, I want to give up tips for tapping into that Biggest Fan Voice.

Be Quiet and Listen: “Well, duh,” you might be saying. But honestly, we all KNOW we should get quiet and listen, but how often do we REALLY do it?!?!? Turn off the radio in the car, turn off the podcast while you cook dinner, turn down the endless chatter and just be quiet. Take 5 minutes in the AM or before you walk into work and just BE.  

Play: What did you LOVE to do as a child? Play tag? Tennis? Basketball? Hide and Seek? Make S’mores? Crafts? Color? There are 1,000 ideas for playtime. The point is to tap back into your roots. The Biggest Fan lives here in the wild, unfettered place in you. Sometimes we have our lids screwed down so tight that the pot that is our life is just going to explode. We need to let loose and play a little. And then Listen. Listen to that belly laugh, feel the smile on your face, hear the joy exuding from your every pore. This is where the Biggest Fan is.

Practice Compassion: Regularly throughout the day, practice compassion with yourself. I put my hands over my heart and remind myself that I am loved, I am ok, and I got this, and I sit there for a few seconds and just breathe. It just settles everything down, and I can tap into my Biggest Fan. So practice compassion with your kids, your friends, and your partner. Let them know how much they mean to you, remind yourself they are doing the best they can with what they have. Spread the love to those around you too.

Practice Gratitude: Take a few moments in the day to look around and just be thankful for what you can see, feel, and touch around you. Be specific. Right now, as I look around my office, I am thankful for my cat curled up on my desk, my fan providing me with cool air, the view of the amazing trees out my window, the many cards my nearest and dearest has given me, the picture I bought on my trip to Peru. As I engage in this activity, the list becomes longer and longer, and I become more and more tapped into my uniqueness and my Biggest Fan.

Why is Self Care so Freakin' Hard?

One hour ago, I was full of anxiety. I was unfocused; I couldn't hold a thought, and I was jumping from to-do list item to to-do list, not accomplishing anything.

A small voice in my head said, "Go workout, take a break, re-group."

This voice was met quickly by my Taskmaster Monger saying, "No way you have a TON of stuff to do today and no time for working out, you should have done it earlier, but you missed the window. So get back to work" (yep my Monger can be pretty nasty)

To which I heard the small voice, "You will feel SO much better if you take a break; you will focus more and be more productive."

For a short time, the Monger won, and I tried fruitlessly to get more done. Finally, out of pure annoyance from being so unproductive, I got up, changed my clothes, and worked out.

And here I am 60 minutes later, feeling like a new person, I am refreshed, my mind is clear and focused (I am even writing this blog post which I tried ten times before I worked out).

There has never been a time where I have gone for worked out, gone for a walk, taken a 60-second vacation where I have regretted it. So often, these are the last types of activities on my list. These types of activities are what the self-help world calls self-care. But as someone with High Functioning Anxiety who tends to put themselves last (even on their to-do list), engaging in self-care can be a challenge.

Why is that? This is most likely due to a plethora of messages we received growing up from society, teachers, mentors, society, and even our parents involving others' needs, productivity, and being selfish.

However, the more important question is: What are we going to do about it? Here is what I know for sure.

Here are three truths I know for sure

1. The harder I push myself, the less likely I will take a break. Once my Monger takes charge, it gets harder and harder to unhook her.

2. The term 'self-care doesn't inspire me to give myself a break. Maybe because of earlier programming.

3. I ALWAYS feel better when I engage in an energy shift (mindfulness, physically moving my body, getting back to nature, etc.) I like to think of it as energy-building time.

So based on those three truths, here are some ways I have found to make taking a break less freakin' hard.

Energy Breaks. I like to call the time Energy Breaks rather than Self Care. When I think that working out, going for a walk, taking a dance break will increase my energy reserves, I am more likely to engage in that activity. That thinking/phrasing appeals to me more than the term 'self-care.' Even though it IS self-care, I am more easily able to break the cycle and engage in the activity if I don't call it self-care.

Rituals. Having set times throughout the day when I have built-in time to go on an Energy Break. So between clients, I do some stretching or take a dance break. When I finish a task, I take a walk around the house. When I hit a stoplight, I take 3 deep breaths.

Schedule it. I have a scheduled workout time, and today, I just missed it because I was busy. But usually, I schedule in my Energy Breaks, so they become part of my routine.

Pay attention. Notice how you feel before and after you take a break. Build awareness around how anxious/stressed/unproductive you are before your break and contrast with how you feel after your break. As you start to build awareness around the differences in how you feel, you will be more likely to engage in the Energy Break.