Some Weeks Are Better Than Others

This week I ate too much sugar, didn't acknowledge my feelings, didn't work out, my anxiety was high, my Monger was loud, and my BFF was in full do-whatever-you-want mode. I was super sensitive and white-knuckled through much of the week. Even as I type this, my Monger is saying, "Why are you sharing this!?!? You are supposed to be HELPING people, not showing all the ways you did it wrong!!"  

Ugh, she is just so mean.

But the reason I am sharing my "I-did-all-the-unhelpful-things-week" is because even though I was doing all the unhelpful things, this time felt different:

In my twenties, I wouldn't have even noticed the behaviors as unusual. My BFF would have justified the behaviors as ok in response to the stress of the week. I would have unconsciously jumped back and forth between my Monge, beating me up, and my BFF, giving me a free pass.

In my thirties, I would have noticed the behaviors and spent most of the week beating myself up for not doing the things I know will help. I would have hammered myself for being lazy, incompetent, and stubborn and not eating healthier, exercising, and being so annoyingly emotional. "Get over yourself. It's not that bad," I would have said over and over again.

This past week, I noticed that behavior, and I knew the way around it, practice ASK:

Acknowledge what I am feeling,

Slow down and get into your body and

Kindly pull back to see the big picture,

AND I still didn't do it.

Every time my Biggest Fan stepped in and said, "Sweetpea, just practice ASK." I said, "Nope, I don't want to do that. I don't want to go there." And she said, "Ok, but the bare minimum, we aren't beating ourselves up about that." And when I mindlessly reached for the donuts and ate way too many, my Biggest Fan stepped in and said, "Well, that just happened. Maybe we can eat a salad for lunch to get some veggies in you?"

The difference between this week and in the past, my Biggest Fan, the voice of self-loyalty, had a consistent presence to remind me I am human and I will not get it perfect. This week was hard, and my behaviors weren't always supportive of my higher good, AND at a bare minimum, I am not going to shame myself for them.

We want to make change, to fix ourselves, to stop feeling anxious and white-knuckling. And change starts with two things—consistently building awareness of our reactions to the world and not shaming ourselves for our choices and behaviors.

The truth is, days, weeks, and even months like last week are going to happen. Life can be overwhelming, and sometimes doing all the healthy things, even when they serve me, feels too hard. But when I am kind to myself, when I have my own back and can practice self-loyalty, I return to those healthy behaviors faster. Not because I should, not because a good person would, or because it is the right thing to do, but because I feel better when I do them.

In the past, I would get caught up trying to do it right and when I didn't, my Monger would hammer and belittle me. Then to ease the pressure, my BFF would step in to encourage me to do whatever I want.

Now my Biggest Fan is there to remind me I am ok—it is ok—even when I don't choose the best, healthiest way.

The two key ways to start building that relationship with the Biggest Fan

• Consistently building awareness of our reactions to the world when we are stressed.

• And not shaming ourselves for our choices and behaviors

Be kind to yourself, you are human, you are doing your best, some weeks are better than others.

When Doing All-the-Things Is Just Too Much

I learned at an early age that being the responsible one, the one everyone can count on, can earn me a lot of praise—while helping me avoid my anxiety. So I at an early age, I adopted the mantra, “I Got This.” I say it to myself when I am overwhelmed as a reminder that I can handle it. 

The downside is, being the go-to responsible one also can cause a lot of anxiety. There is a fine line between “I got this” being motivational and being masochistic. When I take “I got this” to the extreme, I push myself too hard, I demand too much of myself, and I forget that I am not a machine. 

One way I have eased this mantra is to add a different mantra—lean in. When I hear myself saying, “it will be ok, You got this,” repeatedly, I remind myself to lean in. Lean into the hugs my husband gives me. Lean into the support of friends and family. Lean into the emotions, joy, sadness, fear. 

Being the independent soul that I am, I tend to pride myself on ‘going it alone,’ not needing anybody and handling all-the-things. But when I am going it alone all the time, life becomes very one-dimensional. I become robotic because everything is just about doing the next task in the most productive perfect way. And I lose all the flavor and color of life. 

Frequently when my husband hugs me, I will remind myself to ‘lean in,’ pause, and soak up the hug take the hug for all it’s worth. Or when I am having a stressful day, and my first inclination is to forge ahead, dig deeper and become a virtual stress machine, I will remind myself to ‘lean in’ either in asking for help or leaning into my need to take a break. When I lean in, life gets better, my relationships get stronger, my peace of mind is greater, and I am calmer. 

Leaning in is more than just asking for help. It is leaning into everything I am experiencing, the fear, doubts, insecurity, The fact that I might be tired and need to lean into taking a quick nap. Or lean into the areas of life that aren’t clicking the way I want them to and seeing what changes might need to be made. When I can stop running, turn around and lean into what I am trying to avoid, life gets easier. To be clear, leaning in is not an intuitive action, and it is definitely not my first response. It is something I have to remind myself to do. I have to make a practice of reminding myself to lean in.

When my husband and I aren’t clicking, maybe we are arguing, or maybe we are feeling distanced, and after we have gone to bed, I lie there feeling raw and exposed. My instinct is to shut down and close off, and then I hear my Biggest Fan quietly whispers, lean in—he loves you. It is a just disagreement. So I roll over and give him a hug, and I feel us both relax. I remind myself we are a team, I am safe, and everything is ok. Lean in, take a breath, feel the feelings, and then take action.

Most importantly, I have to be reminded to lean into the joys of our life. Last weekend, celebrating the Fourth of July with my family, my “I got this” mantra kicked in as it got closer to dinner time. I started going through the list of what needed to be done and could feel my anxiety rising. As I sat there, I told myself to lean in. No one cares if dinner is on time; just sit here and soak it up for 15 minutes. Lean into the moment: the laughter, the warmth, the conversations happening around me. I soaked it up. Too often, I miss those moments because I am too busy doing all-the-things.

I often visualize walking down the street on a windy day. The easiest way to maneuver is to lean into the wind. Standing straight and tall, being rigid and stoic will just make it that much more challenging to walk. And a bonus, if I can link arms with someone as I walk through the wind, it gets even easier. 

When we lean in, we naturally relax, and we can shift and move as needed. The wind is still there, but rather than fighting against it, we are moving with it.

Where in your life could you use a little ‘lean in’?