Over Functioning is an Addiction

Last week, I had family in town for a family reunion, I was the host of this entire event, and I was trying to monitor my anxiety and make sure I didn't start over-functioning,

At first, I did a pretty good job. I would try to be present. I tried to practice A.S.K. I tried to show up and have self-loyalty.

On the day of the reunion, my husband and I made a trip to the grocery store to pick up last-minute items. My husband was pushing the cart, and I was walking five steps ahead, mumbling to myself, trying to keep track of the list I had in my head of what we needed to get. My husband tried his hardest to keep up with me, but it was next to impossible. Finally, walking through the parking lot, my husband says to me, "Hey Nance, you have gone to the dark side, and that's okay. I'm just letting you know because I know that one of your goals was to keep your over-functioning in check."

High functioning anxiety is a response to anxiety that causes us to push harder and try to outrun our anxiety. This behavior of pushing, hustling, and performing feels good. I felt great walking through the grocery store. I felt in my groove, on top of the world. Repeating the list in my head, moving from aisle to aisle in the most efficient way possible because my Monger loves me to be efficient. It feels fantastic until it doesn't because this behavior prevents me from connecting with my loved ones. My husband was at the store with me but purely as a being to help me maximize my efficiency, not as my husband, who I love and adore. I have missed connecting with family at previous gatherings because my anxiety controlled me.

Over-functioning is like an addiction. It feels so good until it spirals out of control.

When my husband lovingly called me out. I laughed and took a breath, and as we drove to my Mom's house, I said to myself, okay, Sweetie. This is hard having all these people come, and it inspires your anxiety which causes you to over-function. You won't stop over-functioning, but let's try to reduce the over-functioning from a ten to an eight.

If I could go back and redo the time leading up to the family reunion rather than trying to catch myself over-functioning in all areas, I would pick one specific area, the food. My anxiety tends to come out in making sure the food is perfect. So as I was cooking and shopping, I would practice self-loyalty, regularly bring myself back into my body, practicing A.S.K., and reminding myself it is just food; no one cares if it is perfect.

It is less about changing myself and fixing my anxiety and more about listening to it. My over-functioning is a sign that my anxiety is high. But because over-functioning is an addiction and feels so good. Sometimes, recognizing it isn't enough. That is the beauty of self-loyalty. Having my own back to recognize my anxiety is active, I am over-functioning, and it will be hard to change. So let's pick ONE small area we can work on.

This process is precisely what I take my students through in Self Loyalty School—learning how to quiet high-functioning anxiety through self-loyalty.

High Functioning Anxiety IS NOT "Anxiety Light"

I had spent most of my therapy session lamenting a work project. My obsession with making it perfect had taken over my life.

"Oh yes, that is your anxiety." My therapist said to me.

I remember thinking, sitting there on the black leather couch facing my therapist. What!?!?! How is THAT anxiety?!?!?

In my mind, I struggled with perfectionism and a bit of people-pleasing. I had a constant feeling of being found out that I was doing it wrong and spent most of my days trying to make everyone around me happy to the detriment of myself. Yes, this left me tired and exhausted and totally out of touch with myself--but was it anxiety!?! I mean, I got a lot done in a week! I pushed and pushed myself beyond my fear--I wasn't an anxious person.

It turns out yes, I was. I was stuck in the misconception that anxiety means you function less. Anxiety has four responses flee, freeze, fight, or fawn. Our stereotype of anxiety is to flee or freeze. A Google image search for 'anxious person' shows people with fearful looks, staring out the window with pained expressions, worrying about something. Fear, pain, and doubt are written all over their faces.

High functioning anxiety is the last two fight or freeze. My anxiety presents differently. It propels me forward. When I feel anxious, I don't shut down; instead, I push harder. I believed the answer to my anxiety was to solve all my doubts and insecurities by facing them. It wasn't that the world was scary; I was broken and needed to fix myself, and then the world would be less scary. When anxiety strikes, the response is to function more in the world.

Thank God for my therapist, who continued to kindly talk about my anxiety even though I couldn't see it. Because anxiety is anxiety, whether you have low functioning or high functioning, both are forms of anxiety. Both are debilitating and crushing. But common wisdom would have us believe that high functioning anxiety is less painful. It is the "better" version of anxiety (if there is such a thing).

It is only the "better" version of anxiety because it is more socially acceptable to push harder and view yourself as the problem. But your response to anxiety, whether to function high or function low, is a response to anxiety.

I have seen High Functioning Anxiety presented as anxiety light or not a real issue because it isn't debilitating. Every time I see High Functioning Anxiety presented as not a real problem, I want to scream Bull Shit at the top of my lungs.

I have devoted my career to treating High Functioning Anxiety, because living with it is exhausting. Not just because the anxiety itself is exhausting but because the unhealthy coping methods we have learned to deal with it (throwing ourselves into work, being the responsible one, perfectionism, and people-pleasing) are so valued by society that we struggle in silence and shame.

Helping our anxiety is threefold:

1. Recognizing when anxiety is running the show

2. Knowing what works to calm your anxiety.

3. Having the loyalty to yourself to do 1 and 2 above.

Self-loyalty is the key because it bypasses the anxiety response and allows you to calm your anxiety faster.

However, building self-loyalty takes time because it contradicts all we have been taught. We believe we are broken and need to be fixed, and then the world would be less scary. The world will be less scary when we have our backs and trust ourselves, aka self loyalty.

This is why I created a whole school devoted to Self Loyalty:

​Self Loyalty School: A 10-month audio program to Quiet your High Functioning Anxiety

This isn't about offering another hack for your anxiety. This is about changing it at the root—this is all about Self Loyalty.

Here's what's included:

• Bite-sized audio lessons so you can listen and integrate immediately.

• Time off so you can catch up and practice what you learned.

• Monthly Question and Answer sessions to ask questions and receive answers as you move through the school.

​Self Loyalty School is everything I know about quieting High Functioning Anxiety, stopping your Monger (that mean inner critic) from running the show, and building an internal sense of loyalty that you can come back to again and again.

The Challenge in Admitting We are Human

“It makes you human, something you have a hard time swallowing," he said

“I KNOW I am human,” she replied, slightly annoyed.

“Yeah, but you don’t like it. You think of it like any other weakness, something you can rise above if you really, really put your mind to it.”

“Yes, exactly!” I said to the TV and my husband just smiled. and said, "yep, that pretty much sums up your life philosophy." My husband and I were curled up on the couch watching a TV show when the characters perfectly described why being human is so hard to admit:

It is something I believe I can overcome if I only try hard enough.

It is similar to the sentiment: you can only do so much in a day or resting if you are sick or tired. And I can say, "Yes!! I know that is true." The part I don’t say out loud is "for other people" because I have different rules for myself. Other people might have to rest, but I can carry on and do more. I can always handle more. I can push myself hard enough that I might overcome that small annoying reality about being human. (Welcome to High Functioning Anxiety)

I know this belief is a trap and it keeps me hustling and pushing for something that is impossible. My Monger keeps telling me if I only pushed harder and hustled more then I could move beyond my human tendencies. She is shaming me for not being able to reach the impossible.

Yesterday I had an in-person speaking event (YAY), and they required proof of vaccine or a negative test to enter. I had taken a photo of my husband and my vaccine cards for an event we had attended earlier this month, so when I glanced at my phone and saw the pictures, I assumed mine was there. But when I arrived and she asked to see my card I didn’t have it. I had deleted my vaccine card and only had my husband’s. Fortunately, I was able to call my husband, and he texted me a photo (yay for modern technology). As we waited for my husband to text me back, my Monger was screaming at me about my stupid avoidable mistake! In reality, the host and I laughed about being human and it was a non-event.

Later, as I was waiting to speak, my Monger chimed in to remind me how irresponsible I was, I KNEW I was going to have to show my vaccine card. WHY didn’t I double-check the names on the pictures. WHY, WHY, WHY.

And then, I did something that still feels strange, I took responsibility. I owned my mistake. I said to myself, "Sweetpea, you made a mistake and it is over. Mistakes happen, even to you. Let's not get snagged on this. Let it go." Owning my mistake works every time.

I didn't always own my mistakes. Years ago, my BFF would have stepped in to protect me from my Monger and tried to justify the mistake. “The host didn’t care, and it was a non-issue, no big deal.” Or she would have tried to blame someone else and said, “Ugh, she should have just trusted me. Why didn’t she trust me when I said I was vaccinated?” (Even though I was thrilled she took such a hard line because that meant they took a hard line with all the attendees.)

But rather than stopping my Monger, that would have just fired her up more. And she and the BFF would argue back and forth. My anxiety would be so high, and that one mistake would have clouded my whole experience.

But when my Biggest Fan (the voice of self loyalty) steps in to say, “Yep, we made a mistake, and it is not the end of the world.” It stops the Monger in her tracks. I have been surprised at
a. how much it helps when I own my mistakes and
b. how hard it is to own my mistakes :)

But when I own my mistakes (yep, I am imperfect about that too--ha!) it decreases my anxiety and makes my life more vibrant. I don’t waste as much time trying to prove the impossible.

I Hate Last Minute Changes

“Are you coming to bed already?” I said to my husband as he pulled back the quilt and crawled into bed.

“Yep, I am exhausted. Is that ok?” He said

“Sure!" I replied, trying to sound super laid back and welcoming. “If you are tired, you should sleep.” But internally, I could feel my anxiety rise.

My husband is a night owl, and I am an early riser, so we rarely go to bed at the same time. I am used to falling asleep alone in the bed because I can toss and turn without worrying about my husband. I can take up too much of the bed because he isn’t there, I give myself more freedom when he isn’t in the bed. So when he comes to bed before I fall asleep, I feel less free, my anxiety kicks in.

My husband fell asleep within minutes, and I lay there reading, waiting to be tired. (I want to say I was reading a book, but in reality, I was scrolling through news sites on my phone!)

Eventually, I rolled over, turned out the light, and laid there listening to my husband’s breathing. It didn’t take long before my Monger and BFF were arguing.

My Monger screamed, “Good grief, you are so uptight. You should be able to fall asleep. Why are you so rigid?”

Ok, I thought, relax your body. Name the 50 states (which is one of my go-to sleep hacks!) Well, that didn’t work.

My Monger chimes in, “I mean, how hard can it be to fall asleep next to the person you adore more than anything in the world?!?!”

But at that moment, I didn’t adore him every noise he made my BFF said, “Ugh, this is why you hate falling asleep when he is here! He is so annoying; listen to his breathing! You are never going to fall asleep with that racket!”

“Really?!? You are going to attack his breathing now. This is about YOUR rigidity, not his breathing!!” replied my Monger.

My anxiety was sky high, and I was debating giving up and going downstairs to watch TV, and then suddenly I heard from my Biggest Fan.

"Sweetpea, it's ok that this is hard for you. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person. It doesn’t mean you are selfish or don’t love your husband. You can toss and turn with him in the bed. Fall asleep like you usually do, give yourself some grace. You want your husband to sleep whenever he needs. Just relax, you can fall asleep. We can do this. Think of your favorite vacation and walk around that location." I thought about a trip my husband and I took to Washington state and eventually fell asleep.

A change in plans can send my anxiety sky high. One of the unhealthy ways I cope with my anxiety is to control as much as possible in my life. But controlling every aspect of my life isn’t realistic. Last-minute plans, a surprise phone call, a drop-by visitor (even if it is something or someone I want to spend time with) can make my anxiety spike. But rather than acknowledging that and giving myself grace too often, my Monger criticizes me for being rigid, and then my BFF steps in, and I lash out at whoever suggested the last-minute plans. And round and round they go.

This is an excellent example of the two layers of High Functioning Anxiety—on one layer, we have anxiety. To cope with that anxiety, we learned unhealthy/unhelpful coping skills, e.g., doing it perfectly, making everyone happy, controlling all aspects of our lives, etc.

We usually identify the coping skills as the problem. We decide to fix that layer, the coping skills, set better boundaries, be ok with imperfection, be less controlling. But when we take those coping skills away, we are just left with our anxiety. We have to work with both layers, the coping skills, and the anxiety. 

When our coping mechanisms become too strong and rigid, that is a sign that our anxiety is high. It isn’t a character flaw, as our Mongers would have us believe; it is a reminder that we need to address our anxiety. This means being kind to ourselves, building some self-loyalty, bringing in the Biggest Fan, and practicing A.S.K. 

I will probably still freak out next time my husband comes to bed early. But I will try to remember it isn’t a character flaw; it is my anxiety, and I will bring in my Biggest Fan to give myself some grace to move through it. 

Ugh! I Don't Want to Accept Myself!

I flicked the light on in the kitchen and started my morning routine. The animals take their positions for their morning cheese treat, and I go through the usual motions, take meds, make coffee, brush my teeth, check emails, and let the dog out. I love the quiet of the house the anticipation of a full day (where of course, I will accomplish everything on my list). After I take my meds, I need to wait 30 minutes before having any liquids or food. I have turned this 30 minutes into a game—how much can I get done in 30 minutes—more so, how efficient can I be in 30 minutes. For the most part, this is a fun challenge, a game I play with myself that I enjoy, but on this particular morning, my anxiety is high, and this light-hearted game has turned into a compulsive life or death challenge. Before I am aware of it, I am running around the kitchen, checking things off my list, cleaning the counters, refilling the soap dispensers, taking out the trash; oh, maybe I should clean out the fridge. My light-hearted morning has turned into me rushing around the kitchen, trying to cram as much as I can into my 30-minute window. This, my friends, is high functioning anxiety.

As our dog Watterson and I head out the door for our morning walk, I start thinking about the fact that I am so anxious. What is going on? Why are you so anxious? I ask myself. And then start listing off all the possibilities and start problem-solving everything that is going on.

God, I hate my anxiety---what is wrong with me? Why is this such a thing? I must be crazy!! I mean, come on, this is ridiculous! Why can’t I get it under control?!

And then I remembered a conversation I had this week with a friend about acceptance, “I struggle with acceptance because if I accept myself, none of this stuff will get fixed.” She said with a sigh gesturing at herself in exasperation. I said to her, “You know what is so hard?!? And I still struggle to remember. The opposite is true; it is only when you accept yourself that you will feel better. Because through acceptance, you can make changes.”

As I watched the dog intently sniff a piece of grass, I thought to myself, why don’t you try accepting that you are anxious and you can’t think your way out of anxiety. Try slowing everything down, be the dog for a few minutes; he seems to have this be in the now concept down. Inevitably when I am feeling anxious, it means I am minimizing feelings that I am having. I am usually upset about something my Monger tells me is stupid, or I should be over it. I know this. I know that is my pattern, and I also know that when I am anxious, the LAST thing I want to do is slow down and feel anything. I want to fix it. Ugh, I thought, ok, I will TRY to be the dog. I listened to the traffic in the distance and then heard a bird singing, and I concentrated on that sound. I felt the cold air on my skin and saw the sky changing as the sun came up. And I felt better. My brain stopped spinning, and I was present for the first time that morning.

Here is the truth. I have written about this before, feeling anxious, on a dog walk, slow down, feel better. I am sharing it again because it happened again but also because this is ongoing. This process is ongoing. And I hate that. I so want to be fixed. I want to write to you and share the 5 step process so you, too, would be permanently fixed! But the positive is that years ago, that anxiety that I felt that morning for an hour would have plagued my whole day and probably most of the next day. I would have let the anxiety run the show, which might have caused me to get angry at my husband for not being as productive as I am. Or I would have made up some drama with my brother because that was a safe place to put my anxious feelings. So even though my anxiety isn’t permanently fixed. I know how to work with my anxiety, slow everything and accept myself as is anxiety and all. And through that practice, life is better.

How To Stop Feeling Lost And Stuck In Life

I hear it time and time again. People feel like they’re stuck in life or can’t get out of the rut they’re in. You start the day motivated and ready to dive into your to-do list and inevitably you get derailed, either through procrastination, over analyzing, or overestimating what you can accomplish. You end the day feeling defeated and beating yourself up for your inability to accomplish your tasks. This mentality can take a huge toll on someone's mental health and their ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Are you someone who feels like you’re living the same day over again? Maybe you feel like you’re stuck in a cycle of spinning your wheels, making the same mistakes and you’re afraid you’ll never be able to break free? You may be dealing with symptoms of high functioning anxiety (HFA) which likely is feeding into your “stuck” feelings. 

People with HFA struggle with having unrealistic expectations of themselves, over-estimating how much they can get done, and getting stuck in perfectionism which leads to over-analyzing and procrastination. They’re great overachievers and appear like they’ve got it all figured out on the outside, but on the inside, they feel like they’re failing constantly and not getting anywhere in life. 

If you struggle with HFA, you don’t have to feel stuck forever. As an anxiety coach, I work with clients that feel like they’re stuck, to help them identify the positive areas of their lives and make a game plan to get out of the rut they’re in.

Why Do I Feel Stuck In Life?

The emotions you have about being stuck could make you feel like you need to make a drastic change right away. It could even lead you to make hasty decisions that aren’t well thought out. And when those clearly risky decisions don’t work out, you’re right back to where you started - feeling stuck and confused. 

Before you make a drastic change fueled by overwhelming emotions stemming from HFA, start by simply acknowledging the feelings you are having. Give yourself permission to acknowledge your anxiety and the other feelings that might be driving it. That way, you can identify the source, and make a plan to fix it.

Here are some reasons why you might feel like you’re stuck in a rut:

1. You’re unmotivated

Getting complacent with our lives can make us feel dull and unmotivated. These feelings can stretch throughout different areas of our lives like into relationships, work, goals, etc. If you do the same thing every day, and never make any healthy and progressive changes, it only makes sense that you would feel this way. 

2. You’re unfulfilled

Feeling unfulfilled can be caused by a number of things. Comparison is the thief of joy, and throwing HFA on top of that just makes it worse. Anxiety makes us overthink our lives and hyperfixate on the bad things, not allowing us to see the good. Comparing our lives to other people can make us feel like we did something wrong with ours. Everyone is on a different journey and in a different place in their life. Concentrate on your life, where you are in the moment, and what you can do to make your life the best it can be. 

3. You keep making the same mistakes

Another reason why you might feel like you’re in a rut is because you keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. When we continue to make the same mistakes and not learn from our actions, then we aren’t able to grow and bloom into our potential. Recognizing where we fall short allows us to take the right steps towards fixing it. 

How To Get Out Of A Rut In Life

Once you figure out why you’re feeling stuck in life, then you can figure how to stop feeling stuck in life. 

You may be worried that your HFA can’t be fixed and you’re too far gone into a rut. I’m here to tell you that no matter how stuck you feel, you don’t have to feel like that forever. Things can and will change once you put your mind to it and see the bigger picture. 

1. Make a change

Getting stuck in the same routine, or continuing to make the same mistakes is a clear sign of HFA and will eventually lead to you feeling stuck in life. In an attempt to decrease our anxiety we will double down on our routine and try to maintain control. It may not feel helpful but changing the scenery or doing something new can decrease anxiety and help you feel less stuck! Our lives are not meant to be mundane so try getting out of your comfort zone. There is always an opportunity to grow, try new things, and better ourselves.

2. Forget about being perfect

Being a perfectionist comes with its own benefits, but it can be detrimental for our mental health if we set high standards that are unattainable. It’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes. When we aren’t able to meet the perfectionist standards, it’s easy to get down on ourselves which holds us back from taking risks and trying new things.

3. Be patient with yourself

If you feel stuck in life you’ve probably been told things like “get over it” or “you’re just being dramatic”, and I’d bet you’re probably telling yourself those same things right now. Life can be hard enough on its own, and even harder when we aren’t kind and patient with ourselves. You probably feel very alone as a result of all these overwhelming emotions, so remember that it's okay to have bad days. Be as loyal and compassionate with yourself as you are to others.

Work With An Anxiety Coach To Get Out Of Your Rut

Do you find yourself longing to make a change that will help you get out of the rut you’re stuck in? Maybe you struggle with HFA and continue to make the same mistakes that hold you back from being able to achieve your goals. Determining where these feelings are coming from can be hard to figure out on your own, especially because those feelings could be the very thing holding you back from getting help. 

You don’t have to feel stuck forever. I have seen first hand how people that feel stuck in their lives have been able to pull themselves out of a dark rut and find the light at the end of the tunnel. 

As an anxiety coach, I work to help you figure out why you’re feeling stuck, and make a plan tailored to you to get you out of your rut. My coaching services offer a one-on-one approach so we can really dig deep and find a solution. 

I also have a self-guided course that covers the impacts of HFA and how it could be feeding into your feelings of being stuck in life. Check out my course to learn more about how you can stop making the same mistakes and get control over your life again.

A Lesson In Receiving

Flipping through the list of activities, my husband said, “Let’s take a yoga class together.” We were on vacation with my parents, one of the last we would take with my Dad his Parkinson’s with Dementia was progressing, and he needed a lot of care.

“Sure,” I said hesitantly. Classes aren’t really my thing but doing something with my husband sounded fun, and I knew I needed to relax.

The only glitch was my Mom had scheduled massage appointments for her and my Dad at the same time. Mom’s message started a little before Dad’s and went a little longer. So we made the plan that my husband would help my Dad get ready for his massage before our yoga session, and when my Dad was done, the therapist would come to get us in the yoga room. It was a great plan on paper. But as they say, ‘the best-laid plans...’

The good news was, my husband and I were the only two people in the class. We settled in and started our practice getting individualized help from the instructor. But it turned out the timing wasn’t as fabulous as we thought. The massage therapist popped into the room about 15 minutes into our yoga session to tell us Dad’s massage was over. So mid-downward-dog, my husband ducked out of the room to help my Dad. I continued the yoga class solo, embracing the gift of time and peace that my husband was giving me. Soon my Dad and my husband joined us in the yoga room. My husband whispered, “I couldn’t find your Mom, so I brought him in here to hang. I hope that is ok?” “Sure,” I said as my husband jumped back in and tried to catch up to our yoga practice.

We quickly realized that this plan wasn’t going to work. Dad couldn’t understand that he needed to be quiet and just watch us. He interrupted, asked questions, and kept moving around. It was a comedy of errors. My husband kept trying to run interference, and then finally he said, “Enjoy yourself, I got this,” as he ushered Dad out of the room.

As I laid there in child’s pose, I struggled with the time my husband had given me. “He is my dad, my responsibility; I shouldn’t be enjoying myself while my husband shoulders the burden,” I thought to myself. But then, as I stretched up to the sky, I thought, “No, he is giving you this time. Take it.” So I did. I stretched and breathed and gathered insights from the yoga instructor. I trusted that my husband was taking care of Dad and ok with everything. I had a fantastic time.

As my husband and I walked back to our room, I thanked him for that time. And he gave me a big smile and said, “Thank you for taking it. I wanted you to enjoy the class, and I am glad you did.” I will never forget his expression and the joy he felt for being able to help me. He was happy to give me that gift and was grateful that I was willing to receive it.

We are living through exceptionally anxious times. COVID, politics, climate change, mask debates. I have caught myself pushing down my anxiety, soldiering on, and repeating “I got this” to myself. I admit once I start this cycle, it is hard to stop without some serious intention. But last week, I remembered this story and the joy my husband had from giving, so I have tried to be more intentional about asking for help. I don’t always succeed but just have the intention there helps me remember I don’t have to do it alone. Pushing down my anxiety makes me and those around me miserable.

When we can allow others to give to us, life opens up a little bit.

I Am Not Broken and Neither Are You

HEAL your anxiety forever! 

STOP your anxious thoughts.

As I read the marketing email from a breathwork coach, my first reaction was self-doubt (why can’t I stop my anxiety?!), and my second reaction was anger. Pure anger.

I see it all the time people promising they can heal anxiety. And it makes me angry. I mean, it really pisses me off.

Maybe it is the writer in me who strongly believes in the power of words. Or maybe it is the high integrity value I have and my dad constantly saying to me growing up, “You are only as good as your word.” But this pisses me off because anxiety IS something you can quiet, treat or learn to live with, but it is NOT something you can heal forever. And this myth is dangerous.

It makes me angry as someone who lives with anxiety because I spent much of my life chasing this idea. If I was a better person, I could heal my anxiety. If I could meditate or do yoga or breathwork, I could stop my anxiety. Maybe if I journaled more or if I found a better therapist? THEN I would be fixed. I was constantly looking for the treatment that would fix me because all these professionals told me they had fixed themselves.  

The problem isn’t the methodologies. The problem is they aren’t permanent fixes; they are treatments. All of these treatments do the same thing—they help you get into your body so you can acknowledge your feelings and get a better perspective, so your anxiety isn’t driving you—your Biggest Fan is. Yep, they are all ways to practice A.S.K. And A.S.K. works to quiet anxiety—it doesn’t permanently heal it. You have to WORK at it. You have to practice it. It isn’t magical.

And it makes me angry as a mental health professional that my colleagues perpetuate the myth that I am broken, and the fix is simple. And when the fix inevitably doesn’t work, I end up beating myself up more because not only am I broken because I have anxiety now, there must be something REALLY wrong with me because the solution that is fixing all these people isn’t fixing me.

It is similar to the weight loss industry promising to heal my sugar addiction. The way to heal my sugar addiction is ongoing and involves: avoiding sugar because eating sugar makes me crave more sugar, not eating my feelings, eating a variety of healthy foods. Those are strategies to eat less sugar, but I STILL have a sugar addiction. I STILL have to work daily not to lose myself in a bag of Oreos. The truth is, I will always love sugar. I am not healed from my love of sugar—AND I have strategies for not eating as much sugar that work IF I implement them.

The same is true with anxiety. We have to work it; we have to find the strategies that help us recognize when we are pushing ourselves too hard and when our Monger is running the show. And we have to find strategies that help us acknowledge our feelings, get into our bodies and kindly see a bigger picture. Maybe that is yoga, journaling, mindfulness, meditation, therapy, breathe work. It doesn’t matter WHAT the vehicle is; the goal is to remember you are not broken; you are just living with anxiety.   

Mental Health Is Health

I have been obsessed with the Simone Biles story this week. I have read dozens of articles, from harsh criticism to celebrating her courageous choice to withdrawal from her Olympics events. I am 24 years older than Simone and Naomi Osaki—2 decades—20 years—and yet they are teaching me. They are teaching me what it means to listen to yourself, be kind, and stand in the face of criticism, knowing that you are only left with yourself at the end of the day.

I think about when:

• I went to work with a cold, stuffed up, coughing, aching, and sat in my office miserable because I didn’t want to disappoint my boss.

• I stood in the bathroom flapping my hands, trying not to cry like Emma Thompson In Love Actually because I told myself I was silly and emotional.

• I told my husband I was fine even when we both knew I wasn’t because I was afraid he would judge me for being too needy.

• I told my boss yes, I could totally handle that project even though I knew that meant canceling plans because I didn’t want him to think I was a lazy employee.

All those examples have in common is the underlying belief that whatever I was thinking, feeling, or needing was wrong. I have been humbled to see Simone and Naomi disappointing people on the world stage because they needed something. That is mind-blowing.

These women in their 20s did something I have just started doing in my day-to-day life on the freaking world stage! They had a need, and they spoke it. They didn’t push through or push harder or ignore themselves. No, they spoke up for themselves.

Yes, Simone is courageous. Yes, she is brave. And it is easy to put her on a pedestal, write a blog about it and move on with life. But the true way to honor her is to normalize what she is doing so it isn't so pedestal worthy it is just how we are in the world. This week, I have been challenging myself to think about how can I show up for myself today? How can I be courageous today? How can I befriend myself instead of treating myself like a machine? To quiet my High Functioning Anxiety, I have to take a two-fold approach using all the practical tools I have, exercise, journaling, mindfulness, getting into my body, AND building a relationship with myself, being kind when I do it imperfectly. Practicing self-loyalty.

Mental Health Is Health.

I Am Weak If I Own My Anxiety Myth

I have been following the news of Naomi Osaka’s withdrawal from the French Open due to her struggles with anxiety and depression. In her post about her withdrawal, she shared how the depression started when she won the US Open in 2018. I remember watching her the day after she beat Serena Williams on the Today show. The hosts Savannah and Hoda were gushing over Naomi, trying desperately to get her to match their over-the-top level of excitement and joy. Naomi was quiet, subdued, and appeared to be very overwhelmed. Savannah and Hoda commented on how shy she was, and you could see the question on Savannah and Hoda’s face—how can you not be over the moon—you just won a grand slam?!? But as I watched coffee in hand, my heart went out to Naomi, and I thought, wow, they just don’t get it. It wasn’t that simple; there were many emotions surrounding this win, the joy of winning, fear of being thrust into the spotlight, sadness of beating her idol and being booed in the process. There were a lot of complex emotions. Our culture just doesn’t have the patience for all those emotions, and frankly, neither do we as individuals.

When Naomi withdrew from the French Open there was no tantrum, no loud drama. She started by saying, I can’t participate in the press conference and was willing to pay the fine. She drew the boundary, she spoke her needs, and she practiced self-loyalty in a calm, measured, honest way. There was an outpouring of kindness and love, which made me smile. And right after it happened, I had hoped that we would start having some honest conversations about mental health. Then came the inevitable debate of she needs to suck it up and do her job; all jobs have bad parts of them, vs. we need to make some changes in the system and how the media does their job. But under all that was a more subtle message—she needs time to heal; once she takes time to heal, she will be fixed, and this won’t be a problem anymore. As if she broke an ankle, she could take a few weeks off, get some good therapy, and then re-enter the world a new person.

The I am Weak if I Own my Anxiety myth drives me crazy for 2 reasons 1. It keeps the idea alive that THOSE people have problems, and I can feel good about myself as long as I am not one of those people. 2. Anxiety/depression are things you get over. You heal from them if you are strong enough and diligent enough.

The truth is we ALL have struggles with our mental health. And we all need to prioritize our mental health—not just when it is convenient or when it is really bad but as a daily practice. And living with anxiety, even if it is High Functioning, is similar to any chronic condition, diabetes, arthritis, or heart disease. It is an ongoing part of your life—good days and bad days.

So for a few days, I railed against society, that we just don’t get it, and we have so far to go when it comes to mental health blah blah blah. And then I realized, wait a minute—I have internalized the I am Weak if I Own my Anxiety myth too---what if I started by railing against society AND continuing to unhook this myth in myself.

I am asking you to notice how the I am Weak if I Own my Anxiety myth plays out in your life. For me, I KNOW it isn’t true. I teach how it isn’t true, and yet it plays in my mind from time to time. It is baked into our society, our families our workplaces.

Mental health is something we as a culture and individuals play a lot of lip service to. Speak up, set boundaries, prioritize self-care. As if a few days of bubble baths and reading trashy novels can heal us. Living with anxiety takes way more than that.

• Allowing my tears and kindly reminding myself they are nothing to be ashamed of.

• Having compassion for a friend who shares she is struggling, reminding myself to pause and listen rather than immediately jumping in with help.

• Recognizing the signs of High Functioning Anxiety and not belittling myself.

• Reminding myself that that rest is necessary—the to-do list will always be there.

• Standing up and stretching when my first instinct is to keep pushing.

• When I wake up tired and grouchy, being kind to myself rather than telling myself to get it together.

Osaka exposed many things in her Instagram post. The predatory nature of some media outlets and the challenge of being a professional athlete. But most importantly, I feel she exposed the importance of ALWAYS prioritizing our mental health even when it is uncomfortable or unpopular. Self-loyalty means you have your own back even when no one else does, and that is freaking hard. Thank you, Osaka, for showing me the importance of self-loyalty.  

The Secret Shame Of High Functioning Anxiety

Last week I shared about my week of spinning and anxiety. I heard from several people (as always, I love hearing from you!).

I was struck by the number of people I interact with in my day-to-day life who were shocked to hear how anxious I had been, and they had no idea.

Because the anxiety was so real to me, I was surprised I hadn't shared it with them. It was a nice reminder of the kindness and love I have available in my friends and family. Most importantly, it was a reminder to me as to why I am so passionate about talking about and helping people with High Functioning Anxiety because we struggle with our anxiety alone.

High Functioning Anxiety is a 3-fold problem:

1. there is the anxiety

2. there are all the coping mechanisms we do to keep the anxiety at bay (hustling, pushing, over-achieving)

3. there is the secret shame that we live with because we don't want anyone to know we have anxiety.

This secret shame keeps us stuck in #1 and #2, and it is why I am committed to sharing my story of High Functioning Anxiety. Early on, I would have loved to have had more real-life stories of people struggling, coping, and living with their anxiety.

I didn't admit I had anxiety until I was in my mid-30s. Looking back, I can see how much a role anxiety played in my life:

• The constant self-doubt

• Overthinking and overanalyzing EVERYTHING

• Perfectionism

• All or nothing thinking

I believed I was a mess and everyone around me had it figured out but me. And so, I hustled and hustled—believing that I could out-perform my anxiety. There was so much shame and self-doubt. It was easy to keep it a secret; if I didn't share it with anyone, I could keep it from myself too, and so I hustled and pushed myself to exhaustion.

Even how I ran my business was all about hustling and overachieving.

As I have been copying and pasting blogs from my old website to my new website, I can see this pattern playing out. In my early blogs, I say all the right things: acknowledge your feelings, get into your body, incremental change, etc. I was writing about what I had read and studied. What other experts who said they had healed their anxiety were doing. When I practiced acknowledging my feelings, it did help at the moment, but it never healed me permanently like people said it would. The shame I felt around my anxiety was compounded by the idea that I must be doing it wrong because I still had my anxiety.

The messages of the outside world fed this even more—marketing experts and fellow coaches would say people want to see a solution, they don't want to hear about the struggle, they want to know it is fixable. So I kept preaching that it was possible to be fixed; meanwhile, this inauthenticity drove my anxiety even more. Now I WAS a fraud because I was teaching something I wasn't living and didn't honestly believe.

And then, I found the concept of self-loyalty. The idea that to start to heal my anxiety, I needed to be loyal to myself.

• Honor my experience,

• Stop looking outside for what I THOUGHT I should be doing,

• Stop pursuing happiness at all costs,

• Have my back.

It was revolutionary because it helped me realize, my anxiety will never be permanently healed. Now when I feel anxious I have my back, I don’t pile on with shame and ridicule and I implement the tools I wrote about years ago, feel your feelings, get into your body, incremental change, etc. The practice of self-loyalty also is why I am committed, to being honest about my journey with High Functioning Anxiety.

The hidden part of High Functioning Anxiety, the secret shame, is one of its most challenging factors. Last week after receiving all those emails from friends/family, I realized that I need to re-up my commitment to sharing my anxiety with those closest to me (which I admit is harder). But that is my challenge to you and me. One of the steps to healing our High Functioning Anxiety is removing the shame of it, taking off the "I can do it all" armor, and letting others in.

Questions for you to ponder in a journal or while taking a walk.

• Do you struggle with sharing your anxiety with other people?

• How had this helped or hurt your anxiety?

• Who are the people you feel safe opening up about your anxiety?

• What would you be willing to share about your experience with these people?

The Rigged Game Of the Monger

A few years ago, before I wrote the Happier Approach before I developed A.S.K. I was driving to work. It was a particularly stressful time in my life, and I was feeling exceptionally anxious.

As I often do, in an attempt to calm myself, I want to get to the Why? Why am I so stressed? So I asked myself, "What is going on? Why are you so stressed!?" But rather than it being a loving curiosity, a kind check-in with myself. My Monger took over, and the question became, "EXPLAIN YOURSELF, SOLDIER!!" WHY ARE YOU SO STRESSED?"

So like a good soldier, I began to litany off the items that were stressing me. I have played this rigged game with my Monger thousands of times (and it is still a go-to behavior when my stress is high), and my Monger's response was as it always is "That's all you have?!, You only listed a few things." This is usually how this game goes—my Monger asks me to justify my stress, and I list off my stresses with an ere of indifference as if I was reciting a grocery list. It is a silly game because it doesn't matter what I list off. If I list ten things or 100 things or if 5 of those things are major life stressors. I always lose the game to the Monger because her message always is: I SHOULD be able to handle it, SOMEONE SOMEWHERE has it worse than me, and I am a wimp who can't handle any stress.

But this time was different. Sitting at the light wrapped in the safety of my car, I thought to myself, will I ever have enough reasons to justify this anxiety? I am stressed. Isn't that what matters? This was the first time I allowed my feelings. I allowed myself to cry, to feel sad, overwhelmed, and scared.

And I felt better. As I pulled into my office parking lot, I remember thinking I had turned a corner with this whole anxiety thing and was on to something.

Acknowledging your feelings works, I know, from practicing hundreds of times. It works. When I pull out the feelings sheet, when I label my feelings, I feel better. PLUS, it has been proven in research.

Fast forward to this past week. For a variety of reasons, my anxiety has been high. Last night as I was cooking dinner, I thought to myself: Why are you so stressed? Again, I went with the old habit of listing off all the things I was stressed with, the emotional equivalent of reciting a grocery list. And then there was the Monger's voice, "You are fine. You are so privileged. Think of all the people out there who are hurting, and you are barely holding it together because of a few stressors—give me a break". I had been playing this game most of the week. My anxiety is high—my Monger belittles me—I try to justify it by naming all my stressors—she belittles me more. And round and round we go. This game is so familiar. I have been playing it for so long it is habitual. It is like putting on an old sweater.

I want to say that I recognized the game and BAMMO. I practiced A.S.K. (A. Acknowledge my Feelings S. Slow Down and Get into Your Body K. Kindly Pull Back and See the Big Picture), and all was well.

But that isn't what happened—my Monger won last night just as she had all week.

And then this morning, walking the dog in the cool crisp spring air smelling the flowers, and watching Watterson have the joy only a dog can feel early in the morning. I thought to myself—you suck. You are a mess. And then I thought to myself, what would I say to myself if I was loyal, and a quiet voice whispered, "It is ok to be a mess, Sweet pea. It is hard right now. You are doing just fine." And my whole body relaxed. I got tears in my eyes. And for the first time in a week, I took off the Monger sweater.

This time—I didn't say to myself, Oh, you have turned a corner. I recognize that as much as I want to put this anxiety stuff behind me as much as I wish I could say, yes, the minute I notice my anxiety, I practice A.S.K, and all is well. That isn't the case. My Monger still wins for way longer than I want her to. I still play her silly games of justifying my stress, and I wear her sweater, which repels any messages of self-loyalty for days and weeks at a time.

The good news? I do have the antidote. I know when I can find my Biggest Fan; when I can sneak in a bit of self-loyalty, the Monger sweater becomes more and more uncomfortable and eventually becomes unbearable. It isn't instantaneous. It isn't magical. It takes WAY longer than I want it to.

My High Functioning Anxiety wants to find a hack, a system, a guaranteed 5 step plan. A plan that I will want to do and will only take a few minutes, and BAMMO I will be fixed. And it just isn't realistic. For now, dog walks, slowing down, acknowledging my feelings, talking to friends, being kind to myself, and having my own back helps.

My First Reaction to Meghan Markle Wasn't Kind--Here's Why

At the start of the week, my plan for this letter was to discuss Oprah’s interview with Meghan and Harry. Sharing how that conversation highlighted the importance of mental health and how we should respect people’s mental health struggles. I would have written that message and tied it up in a neat little bow with let’s all go out into the world and give ourselves and each other more empathy!

But then, mid-week, I had a Zoom meeting with an HR department about how they want to talk more about mental health in their organization. I brought up the Meghan and Harry interview and how it illustrated the embracing of mental health. And one of the women said, “Yes, I am ashamed to admit it when I heard Meghan; my first response was, ugh, come on, suck it up.” And then I heard myself reply, “Yes, I have to admit, that was my reaction too.” The woman looked at me, stunned.

Immediately my Monger started screaming at me—what are you doing?!? You can’t admit that! You are a therapist—you are supposed to be empathetic all the time. But then something amazing happened, the woman smiled, and it was as if the whole room took a giant exhale. Everyone relaxed, and we had an honest, genuine conversation about mental health and empathy, how it is counter to how we have been raised, and how we can start changing that pattern.

So here is the truth, as I watched the interview, I was physically uncomfortable. It was hard for me to watch. My first response was to belittle Meghan, roll my eyes and think, come on, Meghan, suck it up, quit being so whiny. Was it REALLY that bad? My first response was to shame her. To belittle her for not being strong enough.

My second reaction was to say to myself, “Whoa, what is up, Ms. Judgerson. Why are you so judgy? She is sharing her real and raw story. Why are you being so mean?”

And then I realized a couple of things. I was saying all those things about Meghan because:

• That is what I would say to myself. I would call myself a whiner who isn’t tough enough to handle it.

• Listening to her brought up a lot of my insecurities.

• It is safer and easier to shame and belittle rather than deal with all those messy feelings.

Yes, my first reaction to Meghan was mean, but that isn’t the end of the story. What is important is what happened next; by noticing my dismissive reaction, I created empathy for myself and Meghan.

Maybe you can relate?

So here is my message tied up in a neat little bow.

Yes, we need to have more empathy for ourselves and those around us. Empathy is key to quieting our High Functioning Anxiety.

AND

Empathy is freaking hard.

Therefore being honest about resistance to empathy is important.

When we practice self-loyalty when we notice our defense mechanisms rather than beating ourselves up, we can lean in.

We can notice the familial and cultural programming around soldiering on and sucking it up.

We can recognize how hard it is to listen without fixing. How much we want to keep things clean and at a distance rather than acknowledging all those messy uncontrollable, irrational feelings.

Most importantly, we can start to question those messages and give ourselves a little nudge to be a little more empathetic.

Dating Someone With High Functioning Anxiety

On the outside, your spouse or significant other probably seems like the most put-together, high achiever, all around superwoman/superman they are. But deep down, they may be suffering with racing thoughts or feelings of doubt, fear, anxiousness, and worry. 

Dating someone with high functioning anxiety isn’t always obvious. In fact, it may be a bit shocking when someone who seems to have it so together suddenly seems so not together.

You might not even know that your partner experiences high functioning anxiety until well into your relationship—because they were doing their best not to show they were having problems with anxiety. 

If you realize your partner lives with HFA, you’re likely one of the only people who knows just how much they’re struggling on the inside. To everyone else, they are a shining star at work or the president of multiple organizations.

HFA can hurt your relationship because they take on too much and sacrifice time with you. Then can suddenly not see themselves and depend on you to put themselves back together, which can strain your relationship.

High Functioning Symptoms In Relationships

If you’re dating a person with high functioning anxiety, you may notice that they approach relationships a little differently. 

Your partner may be reluctant to talk about how they feel or really let you in, which may lead to arguments or miscommunication. Or they may put too much pressure on you for support because you’re the only person who knows how difficult it is for them.

Even as a high functioning anxiety coach, I still find myself struggling in my relationships with friends and family. 

Dating with anxiety can be scary for those who struggle with high functioning anxiety because we often feel like we may not measure up to our partner’s needs. Even though we seem like the overachieving type, we are constantly overanalyzing every word or action in our relationships. 

Some common signs that your partner may have HFA include:

• Procrastination

• Seeking constant reassurance from you.

• Control freak

• Always busy

• Lots of negative self-talk

• Never being able to say no.

• Lack of sleep

• Acting like everything is “fine!”

The truth is, HFA is more than just feeling anxious. You may notice that your partner is highly sensitive to criticism or that you’ll leave them for minor things. Your partner could also seem very isolated and closed off at times because letting people in on how we’re feeling can open us up to judgment that we’re not ready to receive. 

Despite being extremely loyal and loving to the most important people in our lives, those of us that struggle with anxiety can often feel underappreciated in our relationships. We often put unnecessary pressure on ourselves to make loved ones feel happy but often have a hard time receiving help or affection in return. 

Helping Your Partner Cope With Anxiety

You might be surprised that your partner may be dealing with anxiety, especially if they don’t display the common symptoms of traditional anxiety. High functioning anxiety is a different type of anxiety disorder and requires a separate diagnosis because they aren’t the same. 

Coping with stress and anxiety is different with high functioning anxiety. If you believe that your partner experiences HFA, you may notice that they have developed coping mechanisms over time that help them hide their anxiety or overwork to prevent rejection and failure. 

Those with HFA might even believe that they have successfully developed coping mechanisms over the years to control their feelings of anxiety. But those coping mechanisms could be causing them to feel more anxious and stressed, which often has a big negative effect on their relationship with you. 

Set a Safe Place For Open Communication

People with anxiety tend to struggle with the ability to open up and talk about their feelings. People with HFA believe they are too much and that their thoughts and feelings will overwhelm their loved ones. Often they are afraid of letting other people down, so talking about how they actually feel can be challenging, which can hurt communication in a relationship. 

Encourage your partner to be open with you about their feelings and be a supportive listener. People with HFA tend to think in absolutes, so help them pull back and see the bigger picture. Remind them of their strengths and remind them that how they’re feeling in the moment is also okay. People with HFA may lack self-compassion, so being compassionate and gracious in the moment can also remind them to do the same for themselves. Most importantly, do not try to fix the situation. Although it is hard, listening with compassion and kindness is the most helpful.  

Remind Them To ASK

If you feel that your partner is starting to close off or notice that they are isolating themselves more to create boundaries, remind them to ASK.

• Acknowledge what you’re feeling

• Slow down and get into your body

• Kindly pull back to see the bigger picture.

When you ask your partner how they are feeling, remind them to be kind and gracious to themselves and take a moment to stop and acknowledge their feelings. It helps to be supportive and remind them that it’s okay and very human to feel overwhelmed or stressed.

Sharing my podcast episode about the ASK method can be a helpful way for them to learn how to cope with their high functioning anxiety more productively than the habits they’ve built up over time.

Getting Outside Help Along The Way

Even though we want the best for our partners and our relationships, we just can’t do it all of the time. A professional high functioning anxiety coach can help in the areas that you may not be able to and take part of the burden off of you too. Encourage your partner to seek advice from an anxiety coach to help them learn techniques to deal with HFA. 

Dealing with HFA alone can seem like a whole new monster on its own, especially if you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about it. Because those with HFA often won’t reach out for help on their own, helping your partner realize they need help and where to get it can be a huge step towards making your life together better. 

I designed my coaching program to make it easier to talk through anxiety. And learn techniques to deal with triggers of high functioning anxiety with Voxer support that your partner can use when they need it—instead of always relying on you when things aren’t going well. 

What a Baking Show Taught Me About High Functioning Anxiety

Recently I have been OBSESSED with the Great British Baking Show on Netflix. No politics, no mask debates, no yelling, just amateur bakers who are competing in what they love. It is wonderfully relaxing.

Each episode has a theme, and there are three challenges, two the bakers can prepare for and one technical challenge in which they have to use their skills and instincts. I love watching people do what they love; the passion and focus are inspiring.

It is a competition, so it is ripe for anxiety, panic, and self-doubt. The show has definitely reinforced what I know (and sometimes struggle to implement) regarding anxiety management.

It isn't all or nothing. So often, we tend to see the world as winning or losing in all or nothing terms. But in reality, life is full of a variety of colors. With the bakers, there is style, and there is taste. Something might look amazing and taste like garbage. Or vice-versa. A baker will present a disastrous presentation, but when they cut into it, it tastes magnificent! This brings me to my next lesson.

Even when things look bleak, you might be surprised by the outcome. Frequently the bakers will completely fail in one part of their bake. They will burn something, forget an ingredient, or drop something on the floor. The bakers who did the best allowed themselves a meltdown (crying, freaking out, getting angry) and then kept going. Because they allowed time for the negative energy to get out, they could let the failure go and remember their skills and instincts. They were able to problem solve easier, and sometimes they would even pull out a win! By contrast, the bakers who tried to 'soldier on' and didn't allow the energy to get out couldn't focus enough to move on; they kept returning to and therefore getting stuck in the failure. So too, the bakers who just gave up; they let their Monger win, and they just stopped baking.

Trust your instincts; you know more than you think you do. As I mentioned above, the bakers who were able to see the bigger picture, remember that they had a lot of experience, and tap into that experience to solve problems did the best. Again, the bakers who focused on what they didn't know or focused on their mistakes could not regroup and keep going.

Your worthiness is not dependent on the final product. The bakers who knew they couldn't control everything did the best. Sometimes the air temperature was too hot; they made mistakes or didn't know the technique. But when the bakers were able to remember that their final product wasn't a reflection of them as a person but only a reflection of their knowledge and skill, they could take the judges' feedback and use it in their next bake. The bakers who were there to learn AND compete did the best.

Overall the key to the bakers' success was self-loyalty. And by success, I mean less anxiety, more fun, and improving on their skill. The show reminded me of how vital self-loyalty is when we feel anxiety around failure.

There are three steps to self-loyalty:

1. telling yourself the truth (yes, I made a mistake),

2. allowing the feelings around that mistake (anger, sadness, disappointment),

3. giving yourself kindness (the mistake doesn't affect my worth).

As always, with these topics, it is way easier to understand than it is to practice. And, of course, when we practice, it will be imperfect. Just can't escape that damn imperfection no matter how hard we try. :)

We Don't Need Another Hack

A few weeks ago, a client reached out to me over Voxer to share how anxious she was about a virtual work event she was hosting. I responded to her and said, of course, she would feel anxious and offered some tricks for reducing that anxiety, including acknowledging your feelings, remembering the power of AND, seeing the big picture, etc. Later that day, she said, "Thanks for your tips. It went well, but I still felt anxious the whole time." 

Oh my, did I relate to this client. She was doing #allthethings. She was practicing self-care, being loyal to herself, and being kind, yet her anxiety was still there. Because she only had one measure of success--feeling good all the time. I responded to her by saying, "The truth is I would be more worried about you if you didn't feel anxious. You were hosting a big event. It is human to feel anxious. The goal is not to let the anxiety run the show. And when we don't acknowledge the anxiety, that's when it runs the show."

I keep thinking about that conversation and our world these days. I know for me and those I speak with, it is hard to find any moments of peace. So much is coming at us daily; so much change and uncertainty. We have all collectively lived on high alert for the past few months, and there doesn't seem to be any relief in sight. In fact, health experts are telling us it is going to get worse before it gets better. 

The truth is we are going to be anxious, overwhelmed, heartbroken, outraged, moody, uneasy, powerless, and depressed. You aren't doing anything wrong if you feel that way. Many of us have been trained that when we feel those 'negative' emotions, we need to hack ourselves out of it to get to a place of feeling better. And if we can't hack our way into happiness, then we convince ourselves, we aren't strong enough, confident enough, or mindful enough. Because if we were strong, confident, or mindful, we could hack our way out of feeling so sad, angry, afraid, or ashamed. ​ We have been brainwashed that successful people can overcome their negative emotions. 

The irony is in an alternate universe; if my client woke up feeling anxious but then meditated, took deep belly breaths, did an hour of yoga, and her anxiety disappeared, she would wonder what was wrong. She wouldn't trust it. If she headed into the meeting feeling excited and optimistic about the event, she would be freaked out. We SAY we want to be content, hopeful, and happy all the time, but we don't trust those feelings either. 

It reminds me of the Jerry Seinfeld bit where he describes our desire to go out and how excited we are to go out---and then when we are out----we can't wait to go home. We are chasing our tails. Pushing, hacking, struggling to be anywhere but where we are. This struggle doesn't mean we are broken. It means we are human. 

Our Monger and our BFF will keep us on an endless search for 'right.' They both have strong opinions about what 'right' is. But the truth is wherever you go, there you are. YOU are with you all the time. So what if we spent less time hacking ourselves. What if we spent less time thinking we were broken. What if we accepted that we will feel outraged, worthless, overjoyed, and hopeless. That there is nothing wrong with us if we are full of messy feelings. 

And more importantly, what if we are concentrating on the wrong thing. What if we realized that accepting ourselves and all our messy feelings and learning how to befriend ourselves will take a lifetime of work. It isn't about reading one blog and thinking, "Oh right, I need to be accepting all my emotions." And so we add 'accepting all emotions' as a hack. THAT becomes the new thing we will do to feel better. But I encourage you to take it one step further, and it isn't about the hacks. It is reminding ourselves over and over and over that building self-loyalty might be the goal, but it is a goal we will never reach. We will be actively working on building self-loyalty for the rest of our lives. And THAT process of working on building self-loyalty is where the beauty happens. It isn't about hacking ourselves or fixing ourselves; it is about accepting ourselves, and we will need to be reminded of that fact repeatedly, just like my client did. You aren't doing anything wrong. You are just being human. And your job on this planet is to be as curious and kind as possible. 

Empathy: It Is Not That Easy

As I sat down to write this note this morning, my first thought was, what can I say that doesn’t sound trite? Every email I have received this week has talked about the crazy times we are living through. Change is happening at lightning speed. There is so much anxiety in the air. It is overwhelming.

I think about these newsletters throughout the week, and various themes pop into my head. This week the word that kept popping into my head was empathy. Empathy is one of those words that gets tossed around, like self-compassion. The world needs more empathy! We have seen the brilliant Brené Brown video on empathy. We know that no empathetic statement starts with at least. And yet, how many times this week have you said the phrase at least to yourself or someone you know.

Empathy always fascinates me because being empathetic, TRULY empathetic, is freaking hard. My husband came to me yesterday with a sore toe, he had stubbed it the day before, and it was bruised and red and looked pretty painful. As he lay on the couch, icing his foot, I admit my first thought was, “give me a break; it is a stubbed toe. It isn’t the end of the world.” And my second thought was, “Oh crap, I hope this doesn’t mean he can’t walk the dog tonight!” ha! Ok, so not my finest moment. But I am sure you can relate. Someone presents us with pain, and we make it about ourselves.

Fortunately, before I said anything, I caught myself, and I thought, ok, really think about how annoying it would be to have a stubbed toe. No, it isn’t the end of the world. But it is frustrating to have your Saturday plans thrown out the window and to be hobbling around for most of the day. I said to my husband, “Wow, that sucks. How annoying when you weren’t planning on being down and out today.” He sighed deeply and said, “I know I am so annoyed and frustrated!”

Later I was thinking, what did that cost me? What did it cost me to pause, get out of my head, and really put myself in his shoes? It cost me a few minutes of regrouping and seeing the situation differently. In essence, it cost me nothing.

I have observed for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety. We tend to oscillate between being overly empathetic to the detriment of our own needs or becoming under-empathetic as I was yesterday with my husband. 

Many times, when we are not empathetic, it is because empathy requires us to slow down. When we are in go, go, go mode, checking off the to-do list getting stuff done, we don’t have the desire nor the time to slow down and get into someone else’s shoes. So we either breeze right over their issues with a quick nod of the head or offer some trite advice, usually starting with the phrase “at-least,” and give a solution that may or may not work.

To be clear, that doesn’t make us terrible, unfeeling people. It makes us human. Because in many ways, empathy, true empathy is a radical act. It is an act of mindfulness. It requires us to slow down, take a breath, get into our body, and then see the world from someone else’s perspective. Empathy requires vulnerability, curiosity, and kindness. 

AND empathy starts with ourselves. If we can’t be kind to ourselves, we certainly can’t be kind to others. When I am struggling to be empathetic to those I love, it is usually a sign that I am not empathetic to myself.

So what does empathy look like?

Teresa Wiseman has done some research on the subject of empathy, and here are Theresa Wiseman’s four attributes of empathy:

• Perspective Taking: To be able to see the world as others see it. Being able to put your stuff (e.g., opinions, life experience, advice) aside to see the situation through the other’s eyes.

• To be nonjudgmental: When we judge another person’s situation, we discount their experience.

• To understand another person’s feelings: recognize that we are all unique, and we all have different feelings around a similar situation. Someone might have different feelings than you--and that is ok.

• To communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings: As Brené Brown says: A statement of empathy never starts with the phrase, “At least you...” or “It could be worse...” instead try... “It sounds like you are in a hard place now. Tell me more about it.”

Empathy is a practiced skill--it isn’t something we know automatically. So I want to add a loving reminder, it is ok to ask for a do-over. When we mess up and don’t do it right--we can always ask to try again. We don’t have to offer it perfectly every time.

Be kind to yourself, my friend, and be kind to others. The world is unsettling. Continuing to practice skills like compassion, empathy, curiosity, and kindness is the only way we will get through it.

The Quest for the Secret Formula

I frequently talk with clients about our desire to "hack ourselves into happiness." We look for a secret formula. A formula that maybe we haven't thought of or seen a prescription that we can easily follow to hack ourselves into happiness.

Now, I know that a secret formula doesn't exist, and yet, with all my being, I want it to be a reality. I want an easy answer, a magic wand, a formula for happiness, and I see it in my clients.

My bookshelf is a testament to my search for the secret formula. Whenever I got scared, doubtful, or stressed, I would hightail it to my local bookstore, find an expert online, or attend a personal growth seminar to buy their secret formula. Eventually, I realized they don't know the answer. They have tips and tricks that will help IF I implement them, but I still need to do the work. I still needed to practice daily.

Just like a workout app won't magically put you into good shape, a personal growth book/seminar won't either. Real personal growth requires daily intention and guidance from those who teach us that we have to love ourselves and trust ourselves rather than look for an easy answer.

The challenge is the quest gives me hope that I could quickly get out of my pain and suffering. But it also gave me a lot of unnecessary drama, angst, and disappointment (not to mention the loss of money).

The magic formula's quest kept me stuck in a cycle of shame and insecurity that looks like this.

• A feeling of doubt and insecurity

• Searching for someone somewhere to KNOW an easy way (the secret formula)

• Finding someone who says they know and feeling hopeful

• Attempt to do what they say but not feeling any easy, immediate relief

• Shame and belittling myself so that I still don't feel any better, and now I am out more money.

• A feeling that something's wrong with me.

• Doubt and insecurity that once again, I did it WRONG

REPEAT.

After repeating this over and over ad nauseam and never getting an answer, the realization finally came: there is no secret formula. The answer lies within, and I need to start by trusting my inner wisdom and myself.

Again, we all KNOW logically there is no magic formula but giving up this quest is painful. Because within the quest is the belief that it is easy, we just need to hack a few things, and bammo, we will be healed!

Honestly, my life didn't start to shift until I allowed myself to mourn the loss of this quest until I acknowledge my hope that the formula would exist and that this quest was causing me more pain in reality.

Now let me be clear, I would love for the secret formula to exist. When I am filled with doubt and insecurity, the temptation is great to look externally for the answer, a new program, and a new book.

But now I lovingly remind myself:

"There is no magic formula outside of you. It is here, in my, get quiet, get uncomfortable, and see what happens."

AND I allow myself a period of mourning for the magic formula because there was an incredible high in the hope that someone else could tell me what to do. I give myself permission to feel that hope and then the loss of that hope and realize that I CAN figure this out; it is just going to take some practice. It is both a mix of sad and empowering.

Does this mean I never ask for help? HELL NO, I ask for help all the time. But I am much pickier about whom my mentors are and what I am asking from them. I make sure I get help from people who aren't selling magic formulas but instead are selling me to get back in touch with myself (hello, self loyalty!). I look for people who will help me with my practice of self-awareness, curiosity, and kindness.

You have the answers. We all need a little help in remembering that and implementing that concept.

What My Algebra Teacher Taught Me About the Biggest Fan

A theme that keeps popping up is the idea that we need the Monger to motivate us. We need that mean, nasty voice reminding us how we could be a better person or how we could be more efficient if only we accomplished more. When we hear the word kindness, we think--oh no, I can't be kind to myself or won't get anything done! This belief is a damaging myth.

Clients will say to me, but my Monger has gotten me this far; if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be as successful as I am. I would be on my couch eating junk food binge-watching TV. Ok, so let's say this is true! All hail the Monger! But let's look at the Monger and her tactics. She is mean; she is nasty; she makes us feel like crap. She doesn't encourage us to try new things; she demands that we try new things or meet her wrath. And then when her wrath is too much, we need a break! So we bring in the BFF the character of self-indulgence (Self-compassion gone too far), and our BFF is like a pressure release valve. She encourages us to take it easy, procrastinate, and indulge. And then our Monger attacks us for being lazy and procrastinating, and round and round we go.

This makes me think of my high school Algebra teacher; she was tough; she was scary, had high expectations for us, and demanded our best. Yes, she would get angry when we didn't meet her expectations and yell from time to time. AND she was never degrading or belittling or shaming. She just had high expectations and let us know when we didn't hit them.

I can vividly remember (and still have dreams from time to time) attending her after-school help. We would all stand at the chalkboard, and she would yell out equations that we had to solve. I can still feel the chalk in my hand and the sound of all of us writing on the chalkboard. I can still feel the fear and insecurity. What was I so afraid of? Being wrong? Looking stupid? Being singled out? Yes, yes, and yes. We all had mixed emotions about those after-school help sessions. One, they HELPED a lot! I learned more in those sessions than in class itself. Two, they were challenging. Feeling on display and putting myself out there was challenging. And yet I also remember the laughter, the camaraderie of all being in this together. It was challenging, but it wasn't painful.

So what does this have to do with Mongers and Biggest Fans? Well, now, looking back, I can see my algebra teacher was a Biggest Fan. She was scary because she had high expectations, but she wasn't mean. She wasn't belittling or shaming; she didn't go for the jugular. She was offering help on her time. She wasn't getting paid; she purely wanted to see us succeed and was willing to work over to help us. Through my teenage eyes, she was scary because she wasn't afraid to tell us when we had it wrong or that we should have known better. But now, as an adult, I can see she was helpful. I remember feeling empowered and proud after one of those sessions. My BFF didn't come out after one of those sessions to tell me to take it easy or indulge because I felt good. I didn't need to relieve the pressure of the Monger because the Monger hadn't been chiming in. She couldn't get a word in over my Biggest Fan.

I created the Biggest Fan character because we need to hold ourselves to a higher standard and challenge ourselves to stretch and grow. AND we don't need to do that with shame and belittling. Our Biggest Fan is my algebra teacher. She has your back, she will stay late to help you grow, and she is always challenging you to learn more. She is kind and wise and pushes us to grow. Sometimes growth is scary, but it doesn't have to be done because we were shamed into doing it. Growth can be because we have another goal; we want to stretch ourselves.

The challenge is we turn our backs on ourselves. We treat ourselves as evil, lazy people who need to be whipped into shape, rather than seeing that we are well-intentioned people who have anxiety about the unknown (perfectly understandable).

So no, you do not need the Monger to be a success. You need a Biggest Fan. That voice saying, let's stretch, let's see what's out there, let's get uncomfortable, and let's be kind to ourselves as we do it.

Tired of Feeling Broken? Start With Befriending Yourself

For people with High Functioning Anxiety, we have built much of our lives on these two factors:

1. Our Monger has convinced us we know nothing; we are flawed and wrong and continuously need correction.

2. Because we are so flawed, we have must look outside for the answers. It has become habitual to discount our internal experience and look to others for "the right way."

The challenge is, the only way to reduce our anxiety is to slowly, and I mean slowly, change our focus from the outside world to our inner world.

People with High Functioning Anxiety are often drawn to self-help and personal development because we want to fix ourselves. Unfortunately, by its very nature, self-help keeps us stuck in this loop. Experts and gurus tell us HOW to do self-care, meditate, speak our needs, and follow their advice to the letter. We never internalize the lesson. We never question it, get curious about it, or make it our own.

You might read online that calm people get up early in the morning, take a long walk, meditate, and journal. You decide you want to be calm, amazingly you have this formula, and you set your alarm for 5:00 like a good little self-development soldier. And then 5:00 rolls around, and you wake up filled with anxiety; what are you going to listen to on your walk? Can you listen to something, or is that breaking the rules? Should you listen to a meditation or be quiet? How long should you meditate? AHHH, so many questions and doubts and insecurities!?! Occasionally you might find the perfect formula that tells you exactly how to do it. But over time, you get annoyed by the formula, or it doesn't fit you, so in your all or nothing thinking, you stop the whole thing.

To bust this pattern, I want to offer a few suggestions:

1. What if you aren't inherently flawed after all? What if the message your Monger has drilled into you is wrong? What if you are naturally kind, loving, and loyal? What if we need to start challenging the Monger message that you are broken, and only shame can fix you? What if we need to listen to our Biggest Fan--you are a fascinating, complex genuinely-want-to-do-it-right-but-occasionally-gets-it-wrong human being.

2. What if all those outside experts are giving you general suggestions that might work? What if your job is to discern for you whether they work or not? The expert on what works best for you is you.

Even as I type that last phrase, I admit my anxiety goes up a little bit, and I can hear the questions. What does that mean? I am my own expert? How will I know I have it, right? Am I doing it right? How will I know when I won?

So let's take self-care as an example. It is something we hear all the time and even more so now during COVID.

You are super stressed, and your Monger is really loud, so decide you want to add more self-care into your life.

You read an article about self-care and decide they want to drink more water and move your body more throughout the day.

You set the alarm on your phone to go off once an hour, and you do some quick stretches and take a couple of sips of water. You check the box each time you do it. By the end of the day, you are a little annoyed with the alarm, it is hurting your productivity, and you ignore the last couple of alarms so you can push through and get stuff done.

This self-care routine works well for a couple of days. So well that you decide to stop setting the alarm on your phone, and after a couple of days, you forget that you were trying to implement more self-care, and you are back to your old habits. The whole day goes by, and you barely check in with yourself.

Let's try it a different way:

You realize you are super stressed, and by the end of the day, your neck and back are killing you. You decide that maybe getting up from your desk doing some stretches and drinking more water would be good.

You know you will have to set the alarm for the first few days because you are not in the habit. When the alarm goes off the first time you check in with yourself--is there any pain? Are you thirsty? You do some stretches, take some deep breathes, walk around the house, and drink your water. Before you head back to work, you check in again. You feel more energized, you didn't think you were thirsty, but you feel much clearer after drinking and moving your body.

You repeat this process every time the alarm goes off. And at the end of the day, you do another inventory---is the pain less overall? If no, maybe you need to change something else up; maybe you need to experiment with a different desk set-up? Or doing different stretches? Maybe you got bored with just water, so you need to switch it up with seltzer water or flavored waters?

In version 1, you are assuming you are going to do it wrong, you are broken, and you need to fix yourself with self-care. The idea of self-care is more performative, checking the box that someone else declared as a priority.

In version 2, you recognize you are a human being, not a machine, and you need to take of yourself. By checking in with yourself, you can see the effect self-care is having on you. You can discern if it is working or not. And the process becomes more nourishing and interactive rather than doing something because someone told you it might be beneficial. To keep your anxiety at bay, you still have an external reminder of the alarm. But hopefully, over time, as you start internalizing how much better you feel when you take regular breaks, you will notice your body needs/craves a break rather than some external alarm telling you to take a break.

Special Note: For some of us (me raising my hand here), our Mongers can be quite the taskmaster and get very loud and shaming when we take a break. If you can relate, here is a special tip: When you notice yourself needing a break, and your Monger tells you to keep going because you have to be productive. NOTICE how that feels. Notice how your body feels when it craves a break. Even if you don't take a break, building awareness of how your body feels, in general, is a baby step towards building self-loyalty.

This week I challenge you to try befriending yourself overturning your back on yourself. We are so busy looking outside of ourselves for the answers on how to fix our brokenness; we turn our back on ourselves. This week let's befriend ourselves. Let's get curious. "Hey Sweetpea, how are you doing right now?" and pause to hear the answer.