When the Monger Takes Over Your Loved Ones

We have talked a lot about what to do with your Monger. But what happens when someone you love is being attacked by their Monger? Here's a story:

Linda and Jeremy are driving to Jeremy's parents for a family reunion. All of Jeremy's siblings are coming. While the kids watch a DVD in the back, Linda and Jeremy discuss the family reunion. The closer they get, the more stress Linda picks up from Jeremy. She knows his brother stresses him out, and they have some silly competition about 'who can be more manly,' and she knows that as soon as they arrive at the in-laws, her loving, caring, kind, attentive husband will turn into this sexist, 'women do all the work,' jerk. She tells herself to be understanding. He is, after all, dealing with his Monger, and if there is one thing, she knows it is to be compassionate. But it drives her crazy that he becomes a different person around his brother, and then at night, when it is just the 2 of them, he is overrun by his Monger, feeling like a bad husband, bad father, a bad man in general.

Generally, in this situation, one of 2 things happen. 

1. When they get alone time, Linda confronts Jeremy about what a jerk he is and how he turns into a sexist pig whenever he is around his brother. or 

2. Linda sucks it up, she realizes Jeremy is struggling with his mongers, and even though it drives her crazy, she says nothing. She uses all her energy to be compassionate for Jeremy.

Compassion is a wonderful thing to have for yourself, for your partner, for all the people in your life. However, compassion does not mean that you get disrespected, treated like crap, or made to feel like an idiot. I want to throw out option 3. Clearly, Linda knows this is a problem. It isn't the first time Jeremy has had this dynamic with her family. In fact, it is EVERY time. Unfortunately once, Linda gets home, she is so thankful that they are home that she forgets that this family dynamic even happens!!

In Option 3, Linda talks to Jeremy about his Monger when the subject isn't so charged. NOT on their way to, during, or even immediately after the event, but when they are both calm, connected, and have some space. So a few days after the event, once Jeremy's Monger has settled down and they are back in the normal swing of family life, Linda broaches the subject of how she feels about Jeremy's actions around his family. Linda is calm, relaxed, and compassionate. She doesn't shame, attack or belittle Jeremy. Instead, she shares how she feels and what she observes. She approaches it from a team perspective "what can WE together do to make sure your Monger doesn't go crazy, and we get to have the loving, caring Jeremy around." Instead of arguing, they have a loving discussion implementing guidelines for what they can do differently next time. 

For example, 

• develop a signal for when Jeremy starts acting out,

• give the Monger a name so Linda can lovingly refer to the Monger rather than belittling Jeremy,

• plan times when they can be alone as a family away from Jeremy's family to give him a chance to regroup.

The next time on the way to the family reunion, Linda and Jeremy can review the guidelines they put in place, and they can remind each other that it is a PROCESS. It won't go perfectly this time, but they will not be miserable at family events over time working together.

Linda doesn't have to take on the role of super compassionate victim or irate wife. Instead, she can lovingly confront her husband speak her needs, and develop a plan to overcome the Monger.