3 Things We Get Wrong About High Functioning Anxiety

Yesterday I felt anxious all day. I had tickets to see the comedian Celeste Barber, and I had been so excited for weeks--but here it was, the day of the show, and I felt a vague sense of dread and anxiety. I had a tough time relaxing all day and was full of adrenaline and extra energy.

I immediately entered into Mistake #1, trying to think my way out of my anxiety.

Throughout the day, I kept asking myself, WHY am I feeling so anxious? Is it social anxiety? Are you worried about COVID? Are you worried about chatting with your friend before the show? Why are you so anxious? I LOVE to analyze—I would love it if I could think my way out of my anxiety—if I could only find the why everything would be better. This trait is why my husband lovingly refers to me as Nancy Drew.

The truth is, anxiety rarely makes sense—it results from an overactive nervous system in response to a real or imagined threat.

The WHY doesn't matter—it doesn't matter WHY I am so anxious. The point is I am anxious, and I need to address it.

This takes me to Mistake #2 criticizing myself for being too sensitive or crazy. Unable to figure out why I felt anxious, my Monger steps in, "What is your problem!??! You have been so excited to go to this show, and now you are dreading it?? All because of your anxiety? Bitch puh-leeze! Get it together. This wouldn't be an issue if you weren't so sensitive."

And then finally, Mistake #3 believing there is a perfect hack that can fix me. Aw yes, when my anxiety is high, I inevitably land here—there MUST be a way to fix me. Because acceptance or loyalty to this!? NO way. This sucks. And there is my Monger again, "There has to be a way to fix this, and if you were a better person, you could find it." Even as I type this note, I hear my Monger saying, "Don't share this story. Everyone will know your anxiety isn't fixed, and you are a mess." The truth is there is no perfect hack that will heal us.

FINALLY, while standing in the kitchen cooking an early dinner, I practiced A.S.K. and Acknowledged my Feelings, which were not just about the show but several stresses going on in my life. Slow Down and Get into Your Body I played Kiss that Frog by Peter Gabriel, one of my favorite dance songs, and danced around the kitchen, and finally, K. Kindly Pull Back to see the big picture—I said to myself, Sweet pea, it is ok you are anxious, AND you are safe. You have been looking forward to this show for months, and you haven't spent any time with this friend in months; relax, breathe, and enjoy yourself. And I did.

It was a fantastic night. I laughed so hard my cheeks still hurt. It felt amazing to be with other people laughing about life's challenges and the realities of being human.

My anxiety did lessen, and when I felt it creep up. I touched my hands to my thighs and reminded myself I was safe. It is ok.

Do I wish the title of this newsletter was three ways to fix your anxiety! Absolutely yes.

The part of this story that amazes me/frustrates me is that I KNOW anxiety can't be fixed. I KNOW I can't think my way out of it. I KNOW when I feel anxious, self-loyalty is the key. And SO do most of my clients when they first come to see me. Intellectually we know. The part we forget is even though we intellectually know something, it doesn't mean we know it in our bones. The default messages of "I am broken," "my anxiety is a flaw," and "if I were better, I could fix it" are hard-wired in our brains so even though we know how to deal with it, sometimes those default messages win.

The part of this story that is the win--I practiced A.S.K. Yes, I fell for the mistakes (again!), but I also caught myself spinning down the anxiety rabbit hole and took charge.

As I repeatedly say to the Self Loyalty School participants, the goal is closing the gap between when you notice you are engaging in unhelpful behavior (aka heading down the anxiety rabbit hole) and when you take action.

Are You Dealing With Anxiety Induced Procrastination?

Do you find yourself procrastinating to do important things? You are amazing at getting stuff done normally and may be the most driven, organized, productive person you know. But then there’s a specific daunting task you need to do—so you just put it off. 

It’s not that you’re overwhelmed to accomplish basic tasks, in fact, you’re really great at keeping yourself accountable. But every once in a while, there are some things you put off to the point of it becoming a huge problem.  

Procrastinating can be a sign of high functioning anxiety disorder. When we start feeling anxious about something that we have to do, we tend to put it off. The more anxious you feel, the more you procrastinate. You might even tell yourself I do better at the last minute, or I thrive on a tight deadline--in reality that is you justifying procrastination.

Anxiety procrastination can affect anyone who is feeling high levels of anxiety, even if you don’t show it on the outside (or admit it to yourself). If you struggle with high functioning anxiety for a while, then you’ve probably dealt with procrastination disrupting your life and peace of mind before. 

Figuring out why you’re feeling anxious is the first step you need to take in order to overcome anxiety induced procrastination and stop the cycle of high functioning anxiety procrastination. Bottom line, if you don’t know why you’re anxious, then you won’t be able to fix it. 

Dealing with procrastination and high functioning anxiety is overwhelming and draining. As an anxiety coach, I’ve helped my clients figure out where their procrastination is really coming from to develop a game plan to work through those anxious feelings to stop procrastination in a way that works for them.

Where Is My Procrastination Really Coming From?

Procrastination, we’ve all dealt with it. All those times of staring blankly at your screen or saying “I’ll do it in five minutes”...30 minutes ago. 

But where does procrastination even come from and why does it affect us so much? Anxiety is often the root cause.

For those of us with high functioning anxiety, procrastination can be even worse to the point we try to ignore important but difficult things entirely. If we put things off for so long then we drop the ball and let people down as a result. It starts a cycle of feeling bad about ourselves and beating ourselves up. 

The anxious thoughts swirling around in your head cause self doubt and can make even the simplest task too overbearing. Forcing ourselves to finally do the task often feels painful, even if it’s something relatively easy. We swear we won’t let it get that bad again—but sure enough we’re right back at the same spot ignoring difficult, uncomfortable things and starting the cycle over again.

If you’re often stuck in this cycle, figuring out the reasons why you suffer from procrastination on certain tasks usually requires figuring out your high functioning anxiety. Either way, high functioning anxiety doesn’t come from nowhere and in order to help get those thoughts out of your head that stop you from completing tasks, you need to figure out where those thoughts come from. 

Anxiety Causing Procrastination

Procrastinating on a task because it makes you anxious or scared is a tell-tale sign of anxiety induced procrastination. The problem is most people with high functioning anxiety don’t always know they’re anxious. Not only do we tend to hide our anxiety from others, but we also tend to hide it from ourselves too.

Here are some other ways you can tell you have procrastination caused by high functioning anxiety:

1. Shifting the blame

Anxiety can turn into procrastination but it can also manifest feelings of anger or annoyance. We are annoyed at ourselves for procrastinating but we turn that annoyance on to others, blaming them for their actions or lack of actions. It’s easy to center your attention on someone else’s mistakes when you feel too overwhelmed to focus on your own. 

Blaming others despite your own inaction is an easy way to shift the blame and create a scapegoat so you can keep procrastinating. Try to recognize what’s really going on. Are you mad at that other person, or are you actually anxious about your own responsibilities?

2. Feeling anxious over easy tasks

You’re tasked with something that is either easily manageable or that you’ve done many times before, but you feel really anxious about doing it this time. It could be because the stakes are high or maybe you’re doubting your abilities. Either way, the anxiety you’re feeling causes you to procrastinate. 

Often those with high functioning anxiety will feel like they can’t do a good job or aren’t good enough to take care of an easy task because of internal thoughts. If you find yourself criticizing yourself a lot about easy tasks before you even start, you may be procrastinating because of HFA. Usually people find they may struggle with tasks in one area of their life in particular, like at home or at work, where in other areas of their lives they have no issues. 

3. Being a perfectionist

Perfectionism is another response someone may have when they feel anxious about doing something. Tasks that were easily manageable before become unattainable which could trigger procrastination in someone who struggles with HFA. 

Remind yourself that perfection is impossible. Striving for your best work is a great goal, but it is important to be realistic. If you’re putting off a task because you’re worried you can’t do it perfectly or as good as you or others expect of you, it’s usually a sign of anxiety related to perfectionism. 

Overcoming Procrastination and Anxiety

Do you find yourself procrastinating more and more? Maybe you’re someone who is struggling with high functioning anxiety and doesn’t even know it. You may look like you’re calm and collected on the outside but on the inside you’re not okay. 

As an anxiety coach, I work with you to sort through your emotions and suggest a game plan of how to deal with procrastination anxiety when it gets triggered. My coaching services provide the opportunity for me to work with you one on one so we can really dig deep and fix the problems you’re facing. 

I also offer a course designed to help people that deal with high levels of anxiety but may look like they have it together on the outside. Figuring out the voices in your head that lead to procrastination is one of the key takeaways my course is designed to help you do.

Are you ready to get a handle on your anxiety induced procrastination? Schedule a free consultation or check out my course to get started. 

When Taking A Few Deep Breaths Isn't Enough

Years ago, a friend and I were having coffee at a local Starbucks. As we sipped our latte’s and caught on the ups and downs of our lives, she was sharing about her daughter’s test-taking anxiety. She described how her daughter would just break down in tears anytime she had a test at school.

“We are doing all the strategies I can think of.” My friend said. “We have tried deep breathing, taking it to the worst-case scenario and even tapping, and nothing works.”

I said, “Have you tried normalizing the anxiety. Telling her, wow, it must be hard to feel so anxious. Test-taking is scary; what else are you feeling about the test?.”

My friend looked at me, shocked, “No,” she said. “wouldn’t that give more energy to the anxiety?”

One of the biggest myths about anxiety is that it is irrational, and we shouldn’t give it any energy. Those of us with High Functioning Anxiety have swallowed this myth hook line and sinker. There are many strategies for dealing with anxiety, mindfulness, yoga, managing your thoughts, and those strategies work. Still, a critical step has to come first—acknowledging the anxiety—acknowledging the feelings.

I ran from my anxiety for years, telling myself it was irrational, silly, and should not feel this way. And none of the strategies worked for me. Taking it out to the worst-case scenario made me feel worse. Mindfulness made me feel inept because it was so hard, and changing my thoughts left me feeling temporarily better but still anxious. So I went with distraction. Distraction came by pushing, over-functioning, doing more and more and more. And when that was too much, it came through numbing, with food, alcohol, TV. I jumped between these 2 worlds: distraction than numbing.

When I say to myself, I SHOULD NOT feel this way; I am, in essence, going to war with myself. I am telling myself what I am feeling is WRONG stop doing that. And that message inherently puts me on the defensive. It makes me more anxious because now I am irrational. I am a neurotic freak. What is wrong with me!?!? So on top of feeling anxious, I shame myself for feeling anxious. I am NOT practicing self-loyalty.

But when I stop and notice the anxiety, and notice myself getting hopped up and over-functioning, I can pause and say to myself, wow, there it is again, hello anxiety. When I pause, I can ask myself what else is going on. What else are you feeling?!? This process feels like a big exhale. Rather than shaming a part of me for being irrational, I am acknowledging how hard that is.

Quick side note here and this process I described above of noticing the over-functioning and pausing isn’t always smooth. Sometimes I do notice it in the moment or within 30-60 minutes of over-functioning. But more often, I don’t notice the over-functioning until I collapse on the couch, exhausted. And I think—wait a minute, I have been pushing hard today; what is going on? Or I am touchy with my husband, and I think—wait a minute, that was unnecessary; what is going on?!

The biggest pushback I get to this idea from clients is, “Well, won’t I get lost in the anxiety? I mean, if I give it energy, won’t I get swallowed up by it.” Trust me, I understand that pushback. I thought that way for years. Because my whole life, I was told to keep pushing, keep powering through, AND I was given lots of praise for over-functioning. But the strategy was forcing me to ignore and shame a huge part of myself.

I was scared to give myself permission to feel the anxiety (and everything else), but I was also desperate to stop feeling miserable. So I tried it. I tried turning and facing the anxiety. Initially, It was hard, and it was uncomfortable, AND it felt good. It felt good to FINALLY stop fighting myself to finally say accept myself. The truth is I do have anxiety, and it sucks when it is running the show. Pretending that doesn’t exist or ignoring it is turning my back on part of myself. To stop the anxiety, I have to acknowledge it. I have to face it and be kind to myself about it. THEN I can try the strategies of mindfulness, moving my body, or taking it to the worst-case scenario.

I never followed up with my friend until recently when I asked her if the strategy of acknowledging the anxiety helped. “Oh my gosh, yes,” she said on the phone. “I can’t believe I never told you. It was something so simple, and yet I would have never thought about it. My daughter still practices it today---when she notices the anxiety, she gives herself some kindness and then goes into the strategies she has for decreasing it. She still has anxiety, but it doesn’t control her life.”

Show Up. Notice. Appreciate.

Over the past few weeks, I have been in a bit of a mood. In addition to being extra kind to myself, I have been challenging myself to: Show Up. Notice. Appreciate. 

Here is what I mean:

• Reaching out to an old friend to say hi, and I am thinking of you.

• Emailing someone who has inspired you to say thanks

• Recognizing that even though it is your spouse’s turn to cook dinner, you could help him out by getting things started.

• Putting a note in your child’s lunch box.

• Having your wife’s favorite drink poured and ready for her when she walks in the door. (or down the stairs if she is working from home)

• Paying for the coffee for the person behind you.

These are all small, little, seemingly insignificant acts. Yet, I have realized two things about little things.

1. They are often more potent than huge grand gestures.

2. We don’t do them enough.

Last week I received a simple 2-line email from a reader who just said thank you. That’s it. Simple and sweet. That simple email made me smile for days. With that simple gesture, I felt seen, and I felt appreciated. Isn’t that what most of us are looking for to be seen, to be appreciated?

A few days ago, a friend dropped off a Paperwhite bulb in a glass jar with a simple note. Every time I see that bulb sitting on our window sill, I smile, thinking of her.

So I started thinking about #2 above–we don’t do them enough--as I asked myself, why don’t we engage in these small activities more? I think for some of us, we are just too busy, too frazzled, too stressed to even think of the small way we can show up for people. (This is why I have been challenging myself to do it because it helps me move beyond the busy, frazzled, stressed way of being)

AND I think the times that we might come up with a creative, fun, little idea; we talk ourselves out of it by saying, “I don’t want to bother them” or “what will they think?” 

Which I admit is frequently where my thoughts take me, and to that, I say WHAT?!?!? We don’t want to bother someone by noticing them and appreciating them?!?! We are afraid someone might be ‘put off’ by appreciating them. So I present a challenge to us for this holiday season.

First: Show Up. Be present to yourself and those around you.

Second: Notice. Notice those you love, notice people around you, notice the stranger who is struggling or the friend who is succeeding

Finally: Reach Out. Appreciate the little things in those you love.

We don’t need to do something grand or magnificent to help people feel seen and appreciated. Do something little, something caring, something unexpected. Just do something.

Three simple steps. 

Show Up.

Notice.

Appreciate.

Sucking It Up Isn't Serving Us

2020 has thrust us out of our comfort zones and into a world of uncertainty, fear, and doubt. And yet, people with High Functioning Anxiety continue to pressure themselves to do better, be better, and improve.

When life gets out of control, we double down on hustling. We amp up our need to be in control by controlling our behavior and maybe even those around us. We don't give ourselves a pass; we only engage in self-care in the hopes it will help our productivity; we don't do all the things we need to feel better; we double down on all the unhealthy coping skills.

We do this because our coping mechanisms have served us for years. Feel stressed? Make improvements. Feel out of control? Seek control wherever you can find it. Feel incompetent? Double down on accomplishment.

Coping skills work. They make us feel better for the short term. They are necessary for our survival. AND they don't work in the long term. Clearly, 2020 is here for the long term.

I have read countless articles on coping with anxiety during these times, as I am sure you have. We KNOW the answers:

• Move your body.

• Be kind to yourself.

• Limit the news.

• Do breathing exercises.

• Give yourself some grace.

I even shared some of these tips a few weeks ago.

But the issue I am seeing with High Functioning Anxiety individuals is we are Sucking it up, Buttercup. Instead, we are "fine"; we are "hanging in there"; we are "struggling and oh so grateful"; we are, as I said to a friend this week, "counting our blessings, blah blah blah."

We aren't going there. 

We are skimming the surface of what is happening. 

We are not allowing ourselves to FEEL ANYTHING.

Because someone has it worse, my problems aren't as bad; I shouldn't feel this way, blah, blah, blah.

We aren't going there because it is too hard to go there and still do all the things we need to do in our day-to-day world. OR at least that what we tell ourselves because that is one of our coping mechanisms.

We have convinced ourselves that going there, being honest with ourselves, owning the fact:

• that we are struggling with homeschooling

• DONE being home with our spouse all the time

• exhausted by wearing a mask everywhere we go,

• discouraged and overwhelmed by the news.

• And honestly don't know how much more we can take.

Will take us down and leave us incapacitated.

Even in those rare moments when we allow ourselves to express our pain, we cover all that up with:

• "We are so blessed."

• "I don't have anything to complain about; I mean, people are suffering."

It's ok to be sad, out of control, overwhelmed, and tired. Working with High Functioning Anxiety, I know we have a survival skill of sucking things ups out, which has served us.

But here's the caveat; it serves us in the short run. Denial, numbing, not going there is not a long-term survival strategy, and we need a LONG term survival strategy.

This week befriend yourself. Allow yourself a time and place to let it out, cry, scream, throw things. Vent to a friend, write out all the injustices you are experiencing, and don't tie it up with a pretty little bow. Experience your life; all of it the mess, the laughter, the fear, and the pain.

I encourage you to notice when your HFA coping skill of sucking it up is kicking in and ask yourself---Hey Sweetpea, can I add some wiggle room here? Can I give myself some kindness?

When your Monger steps in to tell you to suck it up and keep plowing forward (which she will definitely do), lovingly remind yourself with all the things happening in the world, getting by is ok. Anger, sadness, doubt, and pettiness it is all part of the deal. You are not selfish or ungrateful. You are a kind-hearted human being who is experiencing very human emotions. Allow those. They will pass. ​

You can be doing your best and still have a to-do list a mile long is ok. You got this, Sweetpea. You are a loyal, kind, generous person who is doing the best you can with what you have.

Overfunctioning at Work: High Functioning Anxiety and the Workplace

As high achievers, our work seems to be all gas and no brakes. Go, go, go, all the time with little to no time to breathe. If you feel like you’re stuck in a constant state of “yes” at work and feeling like you’re drowning and can’t stop, you’re also probably feeling the weight of anxiety at work or about work during your off-hours. 

Hustle culture seems to be more prevalent than ever, and it’s hard to avoid. We often believe the misconception that hustling is the only option for success and that we’re not allowed to stop—or risk being a failure. If you find yourself overworking or obsessing about work well after you’ve clocked out, you may be using hustle culture as an excuse for feelings of anxiousness without actually addressing the real problem—you may have high functioning anxiety. 

People who can still function with a high level of anxiety use the busyness to avoid feelings of sadness, anger, racing thoughts, unlike the shut-down style reactions of someone with traditional anxiety. 

Many of my coaching clients find that the workplace is a huge source of anxiety that destroys their happiness.  

It’s important to understand the signs of high functioning anxiety in the workplace and how we can address overfunctioning, especially if you find yourself lying awake at night with anxiety about your work.

Overfunctioning as a Sign of High Functioning Anxiety at Work

People with high functioning anxiety may feel like they are stuck in a vicious cycle of self-doubt and uncertainty. They are constantly trying to cope by keeping their minds preoccupied and busy. 

In reality, we may find that these coping skills we have developed leave us feeling exhausted and depleted by overworking. Some of us are so good at coping that we may not even recognize the signs of HFA in the workplace or make HFA worse by how we address it. 

You Go Above and Beyond—And Often Too Far

People suffering from high functioning anxiety often feel like they’re not doing enough or that there is more they could be doing. This may result in you doing more than what is expected of you, taking on more projects than you can handle, never saying no, staying late, and coming in early. This constant pressure can show up as overworking or, to use a clinical term, overfunctioning.  

If you find that you’re the first person to get in the office and the last to leave, you feel guilty for taking vacation time and often take on more than you can chew; you may be facing HFA in the workplace. Meanwhile, all your coworkers think you’re amazing and have everything together because you never let yourself drop the ball. No matter the cost to you, your family, or your health.

As overachievers, people hold misconceptions about you that you have it all together and don’t need help. But on the inside, you may be losing sleep at night or constantly worrying about disappointing your boss if you tell them you can’t take on another project. You may have constant stress and anxiety around the fear that you’re not living up to other’s expectations, and sometimes that can cause you to procrastinate if it gets too overwhelming. 

You Feel Proud to Be Busy

Another way those with high functioning anxiety disorder tend to cope is by telling themselves that it’s great to be busy. Busy is a marker of success in the minds of those with HFA. In some ways, the long sleepless nights and workaholic personality make you proud, even though it could be taking a toll on your mental health. Some of us even see high functioning anxiety as an advantage, much to our own detriment. 

Bragging about how busy you are is a common theme in your conversations with others. You take pride in the expression, “If you want something done, give it to a busy person.” 

If you feel like you can never say no, you may try to create healthy boundaries to reduce your anxiety and set limits. However, this may result in even more anxiety because you feel like you’ve let others around you down. And so, the vicious cycle continues.

Relaxing Makes You Anxious 

Sometimes when we try to cope with HFA by relaxing, it can lead to more anxiety. You might worry about how taking a break could negatively impact your work life or how saying no to a coworker makes you seem less dependable. Because everyone thinks that you have it all together and you’ve set up others to rely on you consistently, you feel guilty when you take breaks or say no. It might even take a trip to the hospital to finally get you to slow down.

If you find that taking a day off or using your hard-earned vacation time to relax is difficult for you, you may be living with high functioning anxiety at work. Even I find myself tempted to respond to work emails while I’m enjoying vacation time. The idea of hustle culture has created the idea that we aren’t allowed to stop, and if we stop, something is bound to go wrong. 

How to Help High Functioning Anxiety in the Workplace

One of the biggest questions I get from clients is usually what the cure for HFA is. In reality, there is no cure but rather the ability to make it more manageable to start living happier and working happier. 

Over years of helping clients deal with HFA in their personal lives and the workplace, I’ve identified several tactics that work well for dealing with HFA.

Acknowledge When Workplace Anxiety Happens

One of the best things you can do is acknowledge and accept when something is happening that makes you anxious. Part of dealing with HFA is acknowledging how you’re feeling, what is making you feel that way, and telling yourself that it’s okay. 

Rather than trying to distract yourself with more work, stop and breathe. If you find yourself overthinking a conversation you had with your boss or feeling guilty for turning down an invitation from a coworker, just stop and acknowledge how you feel. 

I always encourage my clients to use the ASK method: 

• Acknowledge what you are feeling

• Slow down and get into your body

• Kindly pull back to see the big picture

It seems simple, but if we try to stop overcomplicating our solutions for HFA, we may find that we have better control over it. 

Have Self Check-ins

When you find yourself in an anxious state, it’s helpful to check in with yourself from time to time. Even if it feels awkward, ask yourself, “how are you REALLY doing?” The more in tune you are with yourself and the more willing you are to listen to yourself, the more likely you are to have better control over your HFA. 

Additionally, you don’t have to justify how you are feeling. Sometimes we try to convince ourselves of why we are feeling a certain way. Just remind yourself that it’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling without justifying your feelings. I always encourage clients to look inside themselves for the answer rather than turning to outward solutions. 

Stop Negative Coping Behaviors

If you haven’t figured it out already, sometimes what we use to “cope” actually causes even more anxiety to rise in our bodies. If you have a problem with taking on too much at a time, you may try to cope by telling your peers or boss that you have enough on your plate and decline a project opportunity. However, you may then feel stressed about letting someone down, so you’re right back to taking on more responsibilities. 

The truth is, coping is often a distraction tool we use not to face our anxiety head on. It may seem to work in the short term, but in reality, we’re not actually dealing with the problem. That is why it is important to ask yourself if you’re really dealing with your HFA.

Get Help From a Coach

As a high-functioning anxiety coach, I always encourage my clients to seek professional help if they can. If you’re looking for more help with your HFA, I offer coaching programs! Sometimes doing it alone can be challenging.

Working with an anxiety coach can help you walk through situations that bring on anxiety, have someone to talk through feelings about guilt, and put your anxiety into perspective.  

When you’re feeling anxiety or feel like you’re running into a situation that may give you a heightened sense of guilt, having an anxiety coach who can help you work through the situation can be a very productive way to deal with the pressure of HFA. 

If you’re tired of toughing it out and are ready to take steps to deal with HFA in the workplace, learn more about my coaching programs that might be the right fit for you.

When You Are DONE and Yet There Is No End In Sight?

I have hit my wall, and I hear it in my clients’ voices too. Their default coping mechanisms of push, push, push are fading. They can’t keep up this pace.

We are all DONE. Done with COVID, done with being trapped at home with family, done with social distancing and masks, done with politics and all the division, and done worrying about money and the economy.

What do you do when you are DONE, and yet there is no end in sight? How do you keep going when all your normal coping skills aren’t working?

So today’s message is as much for me as you.

Slow down. This is a non-negotiable these days. I know it is the last thing you want to do. Slowing down is something I have to force myself to do. We have to find ways to slow down, be alone, connect with our Biggest Fan. I know that this seems impossible with kids and work and general life responsibilities, but we won’t survive if we don’t prioritize this one, even for a few minutes.

Here are some of my favorite ways.

You don’t have to do these practices for 20-30 minutes to get the benefits. It is easier for me to do a few of these throughout the day for short periods rather than one for 20-30 minutes (think in seconds, not minutes). Frequently I will set a timer on my phone to remind myself to take a break and slow down.

You can experiment with what works best for you.

Write/Journal: Studies have shown that just writing without editing what you are thinking and feeling moves the stress out of your body.

Take a walk: The Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh talks about walking meditation (even wrote a book about it), which is simply slowly walking and coordinating your breath with your steps. You can walk on the street, on a labyrinth, or in your living room.

Laugh: Watch a silly Youtube video, call a friend who makes you laugh, do something silly.

Eat: With each bite of food, you take remind yourself to slow down and pay attention. Slowly chew, slowly swallow, slowly taste. What flavors do you taste? How does the food feel in your mouth?

Look in the mirror. Any time you are in the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror. Really look at yourself. I will look in my eyes and say silently to myself, “Hello there, Sweet Pea; how is your day going?” When I started doing this, I would inevitably tear up because I was longing for that connection with myself, that ability to really SEE me and not just live solely in my head.

5 senses: Wherever you are, take a breath and do an inventory of your 5 senses. In the moment, what do you see? What do you feel? What do you hear? What do you taste? What do you smell? This meditation brings you immediately in the present moment. I practice this in the car, in the store, and in my office.

Move your Body: Have a dance party in your office or kitchen or go for a walk. Get out of your head and into your body.

Use your Breath: One of my favorites is simple 3 deep breaths. You can also inhale to a 4 count, hold for 7 and exhale to a count of 8 and repeat 4 times.

We tell ourselves we don’t have time for these activities, we have to keep our heads down, and to-do list checked off. I hear you, and I get it (Oh do I get it!!). If we are going to survive in the coming months without hurting one of our kids, punching our husband, or screaming at a co-worker over zoom, we have to engage in these activities. We have to slow down and give ourselves a break.

High Functioning Anxiety Treatment

On the outside, you seem like the most “together” person there is. You’re successful, driven. People see you as a leader and feel they can depend on you because you can handle it all. 

On the inside, however, you feel like you’re not living up to those expectations, like you can’t say no, or they will see you for the failure you really are. The truth is you may secretly feel like you’re drowning in worry and stress. 

If you’re known to be the hustler, the people pleaser, the perfectionist, the do-er, you might be struggling with high functioning anxiety (HFA). If you’re familiar with high functioning anxiety and what it is, then you’re probably wondering, “okay, so what do I even do about it? How do you treat anxiety? Is high functioning anxiety treatment a thing? What are high functioning anxiety treatment options? How do I get rid of anxiety?”

How Coping with High Functioning Anxiety is Hurting You

If you’re familiar with generalized anxiety disorder, you may understand how people with generalized anxiety may be feeling. However, high functioning anxiety is a type of anxiety disorder and requires a separate diagnosis because they aren’t the same. Coping with stress and anxiety is different when you have high functioning anxiety. 

Those with HFA might even believe that they have developed coping mechanisms to control their feelings of anxiety over the years. But those coping mechanisms could be causing you to feel more anxious and stressed. 

For example, you may try to combat your people-pleasing by creating boundaries and saying “no” more often. But the fear of telling someone no and them being upset with you causes that anxiety to rise within you. 

That’s why people-pleasing might seem like the easier answer. Thus starts the vicious cycle of actually coping with anxiety and thinking that you’re coping. You may start living in secret, never letting anyone know that you might be struggling with mental health anxiety or trying to reduce anxiety on your own. The truth is, living in secret makes things much harder and isn’t the best option for treating high functioning anxiety.

How to Actually Cope With High Functioning Anxiety

In reality, there isn’t a specific kind of treatment for anxiety, but people with high functioning anxiety can learn to cope with it so they can live a more joyful life. I know what you’re thinking, but dealing with HFA and improving your mental health is not impossible. It just requires a new way of looking at things and addressing them.

As a high functioning anxiety coach and anxious person myself, I, of all people, understand the cycle of beating yourself up for taking on too much and then beating yourself up the one time you say no. When it comes to things that help with mental health and HFA, the list could go on and on. That is why I have developed practical strategies and high functioning anxiety treatment options to address the anxiety that you may be struggling with. 

Acknowledge and Accept

It may sound simple, but the first step in coping with high anxiety is to acknowledge that something is going to make you feel anxious. And that’s okay. Part of addressing HFA is acknowledging how you’re feeling, what’s making you feel that way, and telling yourself, it’s okay. 

If you find yourself overthinking a conversation you had, wondering why you said yes to that work project when you have a million other things to do, or becoming overwhelmed with a simple decision, stop and breathe. 

I always encourage people to practice ASK:

• Acknowledge what you are feeling

• Slow down and get into your body

• Kindly pull back to see the big picture

It seems simple, but that’s the point. If we can recognize simple solutions to our HFA, we may gain better control over it. Simply acknowledge how you feel, why you feel this way, and don’t shame yourself for feeling anxious. 

Check-in with Yourself

If you noticed a friend or family member struggling, you would probably check in on them, right? It’s important to prioritize checking in on yourself as well. If you feel that you are starting to experience the weight of HFA, look at yourself in the mirror and say, “how are you doing?” I mean, REALLY look at yourself. Make eye contact with yourself in the mirror and say, ‘Hey there, How are you doing today?”

The more in tune we are with ourselves, the more likely we are to build a kind, loyal relationship with ourselves and address our anxiety. 

Give yourself permission to feel without having to justify, prove or defend the feeling, and notice when unhealthy coping mechanisms take over. When we get in touch with ourselves, we can stop looking outside ourselves for answers. 

Recognize That Coping May Be Causing HFA

Sounds counterintuitive, right? However, it makes sense if you think of it this way. People who live with HFA have often developed coping mechanisms to help them not feel anxious. For example, if you’re a classic people pleaser, you may tell yourself that you need to stop people-pleasing.

But then that feeling of saying no to create healthy boundaries suddenly turns into anxiety when you think about how you may have let someone down or made them upset. See what I mean? Then the coping of creating boundaries isn’t helping. It’s just creating more anxious thoughts. 

In order to address HFA, you also have to address the coping mechanisms that you use and how they could be causing you more anxiety. So the fear of saying no may cause you to start saying yes again because people pleasing seems easier than addressing your anxiety. 

Rather than actually helping you cope, it’s acting as a distraction from actually dealing with your anxiety, and now your to-do list that was causing you anxiety earlier is that much longer. That is why we want to recognize the coping strategies we set in place for ourselves and ask ourselves if we’re really dealing with our anxiety.

Make Friends With Your Monger

We all have one. Even as a mental health coach, I have often talked about my own Monger and what it tells me on a daily basis. The trick isn’t to ignore it or treat it, but it’s to recognize where it’s coming from. 

That thing in your head that keeps telling you things like “I better take on this project or they will think I am incompetent” and then “why did I take on that extra project when I have so much going on” or “I should’ve said no, why didn’t I just say no” she likes to increase the volume when you’re in periods of stress and anxiousness. 

Notice when she starts talking. From there, you can find the source of the anxiety and remind yourself of the big picture. 

Get Help from an Anxiety Coach

If you are looking for more help with high functioning anxiety, I offer coaching programs that may help! Sometimes going it alone can be one of the hardest parts of having high functioning anxiety, especially if you feel you can’t talk to anyone about how you feel.

I’ve designed my coaching program to make it easier to talk through your feelings and guide you through coping and how to treat your high functioning anxiety.

Three Lies People With High Functioning Anxiety Tell Themselves: Part 2

Last week I decided we need a collective High Functioning Anxiety intervention. :) Lately, I have noticed with myself and my clients there are lies we tell ourselves to keep ourselves in the unhealthy cycle of over-functioning---feel anxiety/shame---keep over functioning. We tell ourselves these lies with positive intent: get more done and avoid feeling anxious. But these lies are hurting us and keeping us from healing our anxiety.

Three lies we tell ourselves: 

1. I can break the time/space continuum.

2. I don't need help, also known as asking for help, is a personal weakness.

3. One mistake means we are complete failures.

Today let's break down Lie #2: I don't need help, also known as asking for help, is a personal weakness.

Asking for help is hard. It is way more challenging than just speaking up because it brings out our Monger who spreads other lies:

• You SHOULD be able to do everything.

• You would be a better person if you could do everything.

• THEY won't be able to do it as well as you.

I saw this first hand recently. We went camping, I have inflammatory arthritis, so I knew I would not be able to do as much as I usually would physically. Which, of course, my Monger was having a field day with. My husband said to me, "You know you aren't a BAD person if you can't do it all." I nodded and smiled, believing him that I wasn't a bad person.

And then, in all his wisdom, he said, "You know you won't be a BETTER person if you do it all yourself." That stopped me in my tracks. I turned and looked at him, and for a minute, my brain was processing what he said, "Wait a minute, you mean I won't be BETTER?" I thought. And then I laughed out loud because I KNEW I wouldn't be bad if I couldn't do as much, but I was telling myself I would be better if I didn't ask for help—such a toxic message. In reality, I won't be bad or good. I will just be me. If I ask for help, I will be me, and if I don't ask for help, I will be me just more miserable. :)

We know we won't be bad people if we ask for help, but we tell ourselves we will be better people if we don't. Pay attention to how much that belief comes up for you. The truth is we attach our workload to our worthiness. The more we do, the better we are. This is the ultimate lie that is keeping us stuck in the hustle and overworking. We feel shame, it triggers our anxiety, we over function to prove the shame wrong which leads to more anxiety, and then we beat ourselves up for not being able to do more with less anxiety. And round and round we go.

So my first tip for this week is to build in time to pause in your day. We get so caught up in the hustle that we keep taking on more and more. When we can build in pause time, we can ask ourselves, do I need to ask for help here? Am I taking on too much? Who can I ask for help?

A couple of thoughts on the practicality of asking for help: Asking for help brings some practical problems: what if they say no? What if they are annoyed at me? What if they don't do it as well?

1. They can always say no to your request, and you can always negotiate. For example, you ask your spouse to help by doing the laundry, and he says he doesn't have the time. He has a work deadline. You can counter by asking if he has time to sort the laundry and start one load, and you will finish it.

2. They might get annoyed at you that you are asking for help. This is hard. We don't ask for help because we don't want anyone mad at us. AND part of building self-loyalty is knowing people will get annoyed, and that is ok. They can be annoyed and do what we ask them, and they will get over it. Often, I see clients who have gone from doing it all to asking for help, and the people in their lives are like, "what is happening?!?" and can get a little upset about it. You have changed the rules, and people don't like it when the rules change. That doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong; it just means it will be uncomfortable.

3. They probably won't do as good of a job. A challenging part of asking for help is letting go of the final product. They will do it differently and maybe not as good as if you did the task (gasp!) I know for us perfectionists, that can be so hard! But learning to let other people get annoyed and struggle because of something we asked them to do is ok. We want to save them and take over. Resist that desire. Remind yourself that it doesn't have to be perfect, there is always a learning curve (for you and the person you asked), and it gets easier in time.

So to summarize:

1. Build-in pause time to ask yourself do I need to ask for help here? Am I taking on too much? Who can I ask for help?

2. Remember to negotiate if you receive a no.

3. If they are annoyed with you, remind yourself it is ok. Be kind to yourself, give yourself extra love, "It is hard to ask for help and have someone be annoyed they are allowed to have their feelings, and I need help it is ok to ask. This will pass."

4. If they don't do it as well or spend a lot of time teaching them how that is ok. We are all learning. Next time I ask for help, it will go smoother.

Why It Is So Hard to Rest

“So are you going to take some time off around the Fourth of July holiday?” my husband asked recently. I stopped and paused. We had planned a couple of vacations that got canceled due to COVID, and I just worked through them.

My husband went on, “I mean, you haven’t stopped to take a vacation since December.” I was struck. He was right. When our vacation plans were canceled, I didn’t stop or rest or take a couple of days off; I just kept pushing.

Rest is something we have a funny relationship with—and by we, I mean those of us with high functioning anxiety, women, Americans, and those of us with really loud mongers.

There are a lot of messages from our culture, our families, and ourselves, not just against rest but pro work. Pro pushing. Pro productivity.

We all know rest is needed. I will not lecture you on the importance of rest because the number one thing my new clients say is, “I need a break. I need rest.”

It isn’t that we don’t value rest; it’s that when we take a rest, our Monger goes crazy. My Monger can be so loud you would think I was committing a felony by lying in bed mid-afternoon reading a book.

This inability to give ourselves rest is a problem. No, it is a crisis because we have lost touch with ourselves.

We are so good at pushing that we don’t even notice our body’s physical sensations telling us to stop. We can push past a headache or a backache, or indigestion. In fact, I have had several clients who ignored and hustled through physical pain to the point where it resulted in extended hospital stays.

Here is a cycle:

• Push-push-push all day, and while you feel okay at the end of the day, you are still beating yourself up for a to-do list that isn’t complete.

• You notice your thoughts are foggy, and your anxiety is higher, but you keep going and push through.

• Wake up with a headache and decide to work from bed because you feel so bad. But rather than resting and sleeping between Zoom calls, you push-push-push.

• End the day feeling slightly better but beat yourself up for a to-do list that isn’t complete.

• Your headache is gone the next day, but you have some acid indigestion and feel crabby. But the list is long, so better to get at it and

• Push-push-push.

• Your boss emails to say how amazing you are doing and how much she appreciates all of your extra work. “Yes!” you think as you pop some more antacids. That praise is enough to keep you going for another week back to push-push-push.

A couple of things I want to point out about this cycle:

1. You never win. You never say to yourself, “YAY! I did enough.”

2. Your body is not a machine. Rather than listening to the message of pain, fatigue, and fogginess as signs of being over your limits, you view it as yet another problem to workaround.

The problem is we forsake ourselves. We are not machines. We are beings with thoughts, feelings, reactions, vulnerabilities, shame, mistakes, wins, celebrations, love. We are messy.

If I asked you if you would rather be perceived as a machine or as a kind, soft, loving, vulnerable human being, I think it is safe to say you would prefer being the latter.

And yet, because of our wiring, because of cultural messages, because of genetics, traumas, etc., we forsake ourselves and end up acting more like machines.

We get bogged down in our to-do list. When we have big dreams, we want to create systemic changes we want to make, major issues we want to address, and injustices we want to fight. We can only fight those bigger battles and make those systemic changes when we are rested.

And yes, even now in the midst of all the upheaval, injustices, and protesting. When the call is loud to make a change, and we want to answer that call. We still need to rest. We can’t push-push-push through everything. Rest provides a chance to see a bigger picture, listen to our internal wisdom, make a plan, set deeper priorities.

With rest, we can stop acting from a place of reaction and make deeper, more powerful changes.

Back to my conversation with my husband, I said, “I guess I can take a staycation the week before the 4th of July.” Notice the hesitancy.

For the record, staycations haven’t worked in the past. I needed the forced distance from my life to quiet my Monger enough to rest.

Here is how staycations have gone in the past:

• Rather than resting as I would on vacation, I fill my time with doing all the things on the list that I don’t have time for on a regular day. So rather than reading a book on the back deck, I am power washing the back deck. Rather than getting back to nature in a local park, I am power walking in our neighborhood (telling myself it is more efficient).

• The only way I can rest without my Monger going crazy and telling me how inefficient I am is by watching TV. So I watch a lot of mindless TV.

I knew I had to do this week differently. I started with two goals.

1. Rest. Deep rest. Lots of sleep and no obligations.

2. I want to dive into some books I haven’t taken the time to read, listen to podcasts on my ever-growing list, journal, write, and do some creative projects just for fun. (FYI, “just for fun” is another Monger red flag. Everything has to have a purpose.) I do not want to spend the whole week in front of the TV.

So here are my parameters:

• I am telling everyone about my staycation just like I would tell everyone if I was taking a vacation.

• I put my away message up on my email. I told my clients I am taking the week off.

• I told my husband there would be no projects and no to-dos. I am filling my days with books and podcasts, and TV shows that I want to watch.

Looks good, right? I have set parameters and made goals—I am such a good little High Functioning Anxiety individual.

But here is the rub: parameters and goals are great, but they won’t protect me from my Monger. She will still be whispering in my ear, “Be a good girl and just check your email” or my BFF, in reaction to my Monger shaming me for not doing enough, will say, “Go ahead, just turn on the TV to see what is on.”

So I made one more commitment—and you might be able to guess what it is—I committed to being extra kind to myself this week. Because for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety, rest is messy, and it is uncomfortable.

So I am committing to being kind to myself when:

• the extra space rest allows all those messy thoughts and feelings to come to the surface (yikes!).

• my Monger repeatedly reminds me that rest isn’t productive.

• my BFF tells me to deal with my extra anxiety with more sugar or more TV watching.

I commit to practicing A.S.K. and listening for the voice of my Biggest Fan, saying, “Sweet-pea, you are not a machine. To fight the fights you want to fight and create the changes you want to create, you have to rest.”

Looking for the Rules

Am I doing it right?

What are the rules?

Am I being a good girl?

These are questions I have been hearing from both myself and my clients. Doing it right and following the rules are ways that people with High Functioning Anxiety keep their anxiety in check. Some of us learned this at an early age: feel anxious--scan the environment--figure out the rules--change yourself to follow the rules--get lots of praise--anxiety decreases. Rinse and repeat.

Much of my work with clients breaks this "change yourself" cycle by helping them recognize their anxiety and find other ways to decrease it. But in this time of triage, not treatment, we need some simple tricks to tweak our anxiety temporarily.

I have talked with many people struggling with the rules (or lack thereof) right now. Anxiety is high for everyone, and for those of us who seek anxiety relief through rule-following, it can be extra challenging. Because right now, nobody knows the right way. Nobody knows the rules. Good girl, praise is hard to come by.

So today, I want to offer a few tips if you are struggling with a lack of rules:

Find something you can control

Obsessing over the news, scrolling through Twitter, trying to find the right resources and research. Take a pause, put down the phone or the computer, and get into your body. Do a stretch, do a wiggle, and acknowledge what you are feeling. When we are feeling out of control, it is because we are trying to control a feeling inside of us that is uncomfortable.

Remind yourself this is hard, and riding this roller coaster of feelings is challenging. Living with all this uncertainty can be overwhelming. Then ask yourself: What can I control? Maybe it is what you are having for dinner that night or planning a family game night. Change your focus to the next thing you need to do. Trouble comes when we start looking too far into the future.

Remind yourself it is okay not to know.

Life is uncertain. We are being reminded of that now more than ever, but life is always uncertain. It was easier to lull ourselves into a false sense of security during pre-COVID times, but life has always been uncertain. That truth doesn't make this time any less scary, but sometimes I find relief in knowing I didn't ever really have control. I just convinced myself I did.

It is okay not to be okay.

I reminded myself of this statement earlier this week when I was having a tough morning, my anxiety was high, and I spent much of the morning trying to pull myself into a better mood. And then finally, my Biggest Fan quietly whispered, "Oh Sweetpea, it is so hard to feel so anxious, isn't it?" and my body gave a big exhale as I thought, "Yes, it is."

For many of us, it is a default to search for the right way and try to pull ourselves out of a bad mood. We are always on the quest to be a good girl, which translation means happy, at peace, content, and in control. So here is a loving reminder: There isn't anything wrong with you if you are in a bad mood. You are not doing it wrong. It's okay not to be okay. 

Be kind.

I say this every time because it is so important. Our Mongers are especially loud right now and them piling on to our anxiety by telling us how pathetic and wrong we are just isn't helpful. So as much as you can, be kind to yourself. This is hard. This is super hard. This is exceptionally hard. Be kind.

What I've Observed During Quarantine

As we start week four or five of quarantine, we are settling into this new normal depending on where you live. And by settling in, I am not implying that this is easy!

Something that makes us feel better is knowing we are not alone; we are not the only ones feeling a certain way. In that spirit, I wanted to share a few trends I am noticing.

The Inner Critic (or as I like to call it, a Monger) is LOUD

It seems like, across the board, that damn inner critic has been loud and mean. To the point where many of my clients feel like they have taken steps backward with their Monger work. You have not gone backward; you are in crisis, and our Monger's love to "help out" in a crisis. Remember, our Monger has good intentions but her messaging sucks.

Getting in touch with your Biggest Fan (that voice of wisdom and kindness) might be too hard right now (remember, this is triage, not treatment), so as much as you can, notice the all or nothing messages of your Monger and try to expand them, add in some space, add in the and. For example, try saying, "I am a hard worker, and I need a break today."

Watch out for the Voice of Self Indulgence (a.k.a the BFF)

Your BFF is a counter to your Monger, but she is also loud. She steps in to give you a break when your Monger is too loud.

Your BFF might be encouraging you to overeat, overdrink, judge other people's reactions, or be super cranky. Again this is triage, not treatment, so getting rid of her is way too hard right now. Give yourself grace and kindness. Simply notice your BFF, and if you can, try to figure out how to hear from your Biggest Fan instead so you can make a more supportive choice again, only if you have the capacity.

Turtling

Heads down, shell on, taking care of yourself and your people; this is what many of my clients are doing. They are talking about being so tired and no longer able to push through or soldier on in the same ways they used to. That is okay. There is no need to be overly productive, take on more, or do something great. Take care of yourself and those you love.

Relay marathon

I have been saying this is a marathon and not a sprint, but earlier this week, I heard the idea that this is a relay marathon, meaning we need to rest, we need to ask for help, we need to rely on other people. I love that idea. I hope it helps you remember that you can rest and you can ask for help.

News: love it or leave it.

I am sure you, too, are hearing the message to ignore the news, but for many of my clients, ignoring the news does not help and actually increases their anxiety. It is okay to watch the news if it helps you feel more prepared and vigilant and be aware when this vigilance becomes too much. Try limiting news to a certain length of time or a certain format (e.g., specific source or modality).

Remember, you are not doing this wrong. There is no right way, and if you rely on old coping skills, that is okay. Those coping skills served you in the past, so of course, you are going to go back to them in a time of trauma. Your mind and body are taking care of you. Be kind.

This Is Triage, Not Treatment

There are all kinds of messages out there about how we should be responding. Some of them helpful, and some of them painful.

My thoughts have been all over the place these past weeks. In many ways, I feel like our dog, Watterson—every few minutes, I am thinking and “squirrel!” I find myself on to the next thought. So to focus myself when I sat down to write this today, I thought, “What is the message I want to hear?” And this is it.

A LOT is coming at us. So much we can’t possibly process it all.

I keep hearing this is the time for the great awakening when we are going to heal the world by staying at home and dropping the hustle, and when this is over, we will come out whole again. Oh, if only it were that simple. If only staying at home could heal all the wounds. First off, this is not a sabbatical or a vacation; this is a scary, terrifying time.

The idea that we will emerge from this more united and full of love is a lot of pressure to handle things differently. Anytime someone refers to this as the world’s great healing time, I want to scream. True healing does not take place in isolation. It is not something you can force on people. True healing requires a desire to heal and going into the messy muck, recognizing all of our old patterns and old coping mechanisms and figuring out new ways to move through them. True healing is freaking hard. It requires safety and security and is not something most of us have the bandwidth for during so much pain and uncertainty.

The macro stress: the news reports, the knowledge that people are suffering and over-whelmed, the financial stress, the vast unknowns, and the sense that no one knows how to best handle this situation.

And then there is the micro stress: our day-to-day lives. Living through one of the most stressful times in our lives and not commuting, running to the movies, going out to dinner, or escaping in our work. We are trapped in our houses with family or friends, along with their coping mechanisms that usually don’t match our own. For example, when my nearest and dearest is stressed, he becomes more passive, sleeps more, and has less motivation, whereas I am the direct opposite with my push push push mentality.

Bottom line: This is a HARD TIME. Understandably, your old anxiety coping skills aren’t working anymore or working for as long anymore.

It is okay to be scared, insecure, anxiety-filled and freaking out.

It is okay if you revert to distraction and binging Netflix rather than feeling all the feelings even though you know that has been helpful in the past, but there are just too many damn feelings right now!

It is okay if you aren’t feeling anxious if you just can’t go there right now.

It is okay if you are filled with grief, mourning your old life, sad about the activities you or your children are missing.

And it is okay if telling yourself this is the great awakening makes you feel better and gives you hope.

What is not okay? Telling yourself, you are doing it wrong or that you should be feeling differently.

This is triage, not treatment, people.

Be kind. Be loyal to yourself and those you love.

When You're Feeling Unappreciated

A client recently said to me, "I finally figured out that whenever I am complaining about someone else not giving me what I need, I first have to look and see if I am giving it to myself. And if I am not giving it to myself, I need to start there."

She was sharing how overwhelmed she was feeling and that she repeatedly kept getting frustrated at her husband. Didn't he see how overwhelmed she was?! She just needed him to back off and give her a break! Later she realized how much she wasn't giving herself a break. How hard she was pushing herself and driving herself. Her husband was not the cause of her overwhelm. She was. 

Whenever we begin to notice our frustration with others building, the first place to start is with ourselves.

"I am so tired of not being heard!" 

First, ask yourself: Are you listening to yourself, or are you ignoring your inner voice who is calling for a break?

"I am so tired of no one appreciating what I am doing."

First, ask yourself: Do you appreciate all you are doing, or do you just keep hammering yourself to get more done?

We do it all the time — we look to others to give us what we aren't giving ourselves. We want others to appreciate us, but we don't appreciate ourselves. We want others to listen to us, but we don't listen to ourselves. We want others to love our bodies, but we hate our bodies. We want others to give us a break when the last thing we ever give ourselves is some love and kindness.

And we take it one step further. We take the stuff we are beating ourselves up about and project it on someone else. So we make a gigantic story that someone is disappointed in us when in reality we are disappointed in ourselves.

It reminds me of a story from last summer. I told myself and my husband I would pull the weeds in the backyard, but it never happened. So I kept telling myself what a lazy person I was and how my husband was so disappointed in me that I hadn't done it yet. I thought to myself. I wish he would back off about the gardening. I just haven't gotten to it yet. (Side note: He never mentioned the weeds or the garden.)

As I headed out to the garden, I said to my husband, "I'm finally going out to pull those weeds I promised I would last weekend. Sorry I didn't get to it earlier. I know it has been driving you crazy."

My husband looked at me and said, "What weeds? I didn't even notice you hadn't done it." 

Here I had been beating myself up for days about the weeds, and my Monger had told me what a terrible person I was and how annoyed my husband was at me about it. I had built this huge story in my head that my husband was annoyed about the weeds and was upset that I hadn't pulled them when I said I would do it seven days before. And in reality, he didn't even notice I hadn't done what I said I would.

He wasn't monitoring me or my weed pulling! I WAS.

I was the one who was beating myself up. I was the one who was hammering myself for not following through, for not getting my chores done, for not being true to my word. I put my negative thoughts about myself all over him. It is a sneaky little way our wily Monger shows up in our lives and convinces us we are terrible people.

So the next time you notice yourself thinking, "Ugh, I wish they would...," ask yourself: Am I giving this to myself? Am I treating myself with kindness?

And if you are and you still wish your husband would step in and do more, then lovingly ask. Speak up for yourself and ask the need. When we appreciate all we are and all we are doing, asking for that need comes from a place of kindness and respect rather than bitterness and resentment.

Anxiety Is NOT an Emotion

We all say it, "I feel so anxious." I am guilty of it too. The term anxiety has become a catch-all for a lot of emotions. It is a socially acceptable word for stress, worry, anger, and sadness. We can say "anxiety," and people nod their heads and say, "oh, yes, me too." But no one is dealing with the anxiety.

Anxiety is a state of being. A state of frenzy, heart pains, stomach disorders, and panic attacks. At the root of anxiety are feelings. Scary, raw, vulnerable feelings that most of us don't want to (or don't know how to) feel. We get so caught up in the causes of our anxiety that we lose sight of the feelings under the anxiety, which only makes us more anxious. When we start to get curious about our feelings, we often try to figure out why we feel a certain way rather than what we are feeling.

Let's look at an example:

Sara crawls out of bed and takes a quick shower before she is greeted with three kids, breakfast, packing lunches, coats, gloves, and out the door. She is finally able to catch her breath as she makes her way into work. She says to herself, "Wow, I am really anxious," and her first reaction is why? So she starts listing off all the reasons she is anxious:

• A project deadline at work is looming.

• She fought with her husband last night.

• She and her daughter aren't clicking like they use to.

• Her Mom is getting older, and she is worried about how much longer she can live alone.

Before she knows it, she is feeling more anxious than she was five minutes ago. She says to herself, "Holy sh*t!! You have A LOT going on... You better get to work so you can get it all done." And then her anxiety becomes all about getting to work as quickly as possible, screaming at the car in front of her, and racing up the stairs to work.

And now, let's look at another version of that same scenario:

Sara crawls out of bed and takes a quick shower before she is greeted with three kids, breakfast, packing lunches, coats, gloves, and out the door. She is finally able to catch her breath as she makes her way into work. She says to herself, "Wow, I am really anxious," and she asks herself, "Okay, if anxiety is not a feeling, what am I feeling?"

• Scared that she will miss the deadline and lose her job.

• Frustrated that she doesn't like this work.

• Scared about her marriage.

• Vulnerable around her daughter and her spouse.

• Sad that her daughter is growing up so fast.

• Scared that she might not be able to be a mom of a teenager and an aging mother.

• Sad about her Mom.

• Sad about her father, who died a year ago.

As she drives, she feels her eyes welling up. She takes a few deep breathes, and she says, "Wow, you have a lot going on! There are a lot of emotions swirling around, no wonder you are anxious. It is okay. You got this, just breathe." 

Does she feel less anxious? Yes. Does she feel amazing? No. Does she feel centered, grounded, and based in reality? Hopefully, because that is what anxiety does—it keeps us in such a frenzied state, we don't have to deal with what is happening around us. It can become a comfort, a protective mechanism against the challenging emotions in our lives for those of us with chronic anxiety.

I know when I am frenzied, panicked, moving from thing to thing, and obsessing about everything, it is time to check-in and ask, "What is really going on here?" "What am I really feeling?"

Nine times out of 10, it is anger, fear, sadness, or pain of some sort. Only once I know what is going on and come into my body and breathe can I really start taking action to reduce the state of anxiety.

Judgy Much?

One way we protect ourselves from the judgment of our Monger (inner critic) is to start judging other people. In my book The Happier Approach, I talk about three characters: The Monger (inner critic), The BFF (false self-compassion), and our Biggest Fan (the voice of wisdom and kindness).

Today I want to talk about the BFF, the voice that is often misunderstood. Clients often tell me they understand the Monger and the Biggest Fan, but they aren’t sure if they have a BFF voice. If you have a Monger, you have a BFF.

The BFF is full of drama. (When I named her, I was picturing an “Oh My God!” stereotypical valley girl who would call her friend her “BFF, I mean like, TOTALLY!”). She is always up for anything, has a feeling of superiority, isn’t afraid to be judgy and gossipy, and thinks you are perfect even when you call in sick, binge Real Housewives, and eat a bag of chips until you are ill.

I used to love my BFF. She was a welcome relief from my Monger, who would shame and belittle me all day long. Meanwhile, my BFF would jump in to relieve the pressure and encourage me to do “fun” stuff like drinking some wine, eating some ice cream, or binging a TV show (or two). But then I realized that wasn’t the only way my BFF was showing up. She is a bit more sneaky than that.

Here are some other ways she hurts us:

She loves to judge other people. Whenever you engage in the judgment of others, that is usually your BFF.

Imagine this: You are at a party, and you notice an acquaintance wearing a dress, but you are wearing jeans. Immediately and unconsciously, your Monger starts talking, “You are so underdressed. Why did you wear jeans? Such a slob.” Without thinking, you walk over to a friend you know well and say, “Look at Molly — she is wearing a dress! Talk about overdressed for the occasion.” “I know! She has to be so uncomfortable,” your friend says, who is also wearing jeans!

Examples like that happen all the time. Anytime you hear yourself judging someone else, slamming their opinion, making fun of their clothes, think of your BFF.

Most likely, your BFF is attempting to protect you from your Monger, but her protections end up making you feel more petty and vindictive and do not work.

For me, my BFF comes out any time I am listening to someone who has a different opinion than me, whether it be something heated like politics or benign like what to have for dinner. If they have a different opinion than me, my BFF will immediately attack them and become this mean, petty person.

Over the years, I have been able to recognize this, so now the first thing I say to myself when I hear my BFF slamming someone for their thoughts is, “we are all allowed to have different, equally valid opinions.” Slamming them isn’t going to make my opinion more valid; it is just going to keep me from learning something new.

Our BFF’s other skill? Self-sabotage.

Our BFF is the first to encourage us to take the day off, stop pushing so hard, procrastinate. This behavior is why many people believe they need their Monger to shame and belittle them into action — basically, their BFF is just a little too loud. That is a myth.

The truth is you don’t need the Monger; you just need to quiet your BFF. Notice yourself procrastinating, making choices that aren’t supportive of your goals, always saying to yourself next Monday. I will finally _______. All of that talk is your BFF.

You can see how the cycle works: Monger jumps in to remind you how terrible you are and what a disappointment you are. BFF jumps in to stick up for you and release some of the pressure of your Monger. They both might be well-intentioned (your Monger trying to motivate you and your BFF trying to keep you happy), but the results leave you feeling miserable and stuck.

Enter the Biggest Fan. She is the voice who has your back and is kind. She motivates you with kindness rather than shame or judging other people. She is wise and kind.

Slowing Down When it is the Last Thing You Want to do

For the past six months, one of my intentions is slowing down and not getting so caught up in the 'hustle' of go, go, go (which tends to be my default). What has surprised me the most is the more I practice slowing down throughout the day, the more I accomplish, and the better I feel. The other thing that surprises me is how hard it is to break the habit of go, go, go and the to-do list addiction. It took me a very long time to reconcile that accomplishment and drive could take up the same space as slowing down and intentional living. I realized that it took some big-time TRUST on my part to actually slow down.

The issue isn't that we don't know HOW to slow down. We don't WANT to slow down because we don't trust that slowing down is a good thing.

Here is how I see it play out:

You hear slowing down is good for you, and you agree wholeheartedly. You want to slow down; you decide to attend a yoga class or do a 5-minute meditation every morning. And (here's the part few people talk about) at first slowing down is PAINFUL. It causes us to be more aware (uh-oh!), feel more (blech!), and gives space for that nasty voice in our heads to tell us how lazy and slow we are (hello, inner critic!). And then, after our painful morning experience with slowing down, we meet a friend for lunch who is all about sharing everything she is accomplishing, how early she is getting up, and how she is killing it daily (all hail the to-do list!).

Slowing down is like working out. That first workout after months or years of not working out can cause us to be incredibly sore, so to the act of slowing down. Except society usually supports our idea of working out, and society DOES NOT support the idea of slowing down, especially the idea that slowing down can increase productivity (that's crazy!!)

So yes, slowing down will initially be painful. AND then after a few days, weeks, months, it gets less painful. Those thoughts and feelings aren't so scary, and you realize that being intentional and aware opens up your life in a way your to-do list can't touch.

So here are my tips for:

Slowing Down When You Know It Will Help You AND It Is The Last Thing You Want To Do.

Start Small.

A 5-minute meditation is a LONG time to be silent when you haven't done it before. Some of us are hard-wired to go go go, so slowing down is the LAST thing we want to do. I have added slowing down to my life by practicing mini rituals throughout the day.

Start where you are:

Being in the shower when you are in the shower, notice how hard this is to do.

Take 3 Deep Breathes at the stoplight.

Pick a task and hyper-focus on it. Go through your senses as you complete the task. e.g., cutting vegetables for dinner, cleaning dishes, writing an email.

Do anything slower. Drive slower, eat slower, walk slower.

Visualize your thoughts and feelings on a conveyor belt.

Slowing down creates space for our thoughts and feelings to emerge as well as our inner critic. When we visualize each thought and feeling like a package on a conveyor belt, we can choose to pick it up and look at it and then put it back down on the conveyor belt. This visual helps us remember that we don't have to be consumed by our thoughts; we can take them or leave them. Our thoughts and feelings are separate from us.

"Stay in Your Own Car."

Yes, your friend might be accomplishing a ton in her life. Good for her. But as your Mom told you, YOU are not your friend. You can only take care of yourself. Don't worry about how much other people are accomplishing or what they think of you (back to the conveyor belt of thoughts and feelings.) Stay. In. Your. Own Car.

There is No Right Way.

Slowing down is all about building non-judgemental awareness so you can be more engaged in your life. Slowing down by its very nature will make your inner critic more chatty, and he/she will have a lot of tips for how you SHOULD be doing it. Remind yourself repeatedly that there is no right way.

Keep Practicing.

When I first started intentionally slowing down, I had to keep bringing myself back over and over and over ( I still haven't made it through a shower without getting lost in my head, but when I started, I couldn't make it through the shampoo portion of my shower). It doesn't matter how many times you have to remind yourself to 'slow down.' Just keep practicing.

Slowing down is the simplest, most challenging task you will do in the quest to Live Happier. It is also one of the most rewarding.

Why am I So Angry?

People are frequently surprised when they hear that the number 1 reason my clients schedule an appointment is that they are tired of being so angry. Ironically if you were to meet these clients, they are the sweetest, kindest people you will meet. But inside, they are seething, and frequently it is those closest to them who bear the brunt of the anger. It is a hidden epidemic because most people in their lives don't know it exists.

Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions. We are taught that 'good girls' don't have anger, and in response to that teaching, we tend to have two reactions to anger. Stuff it or take it out on someone else.

Stuff it: A client from a few years ago had just found out her husband had cheated on her, and she came in to deal with it. After she had told me the story, filled with sacrifices she had made and the countless ways he had treated her poorly, I asked how she felt hearing the story. And she replied, "I am just hurt." "Hurt," I said, "that is understandable. I, for one, am pretty angry," and she looked at me, completely startled. "Angry?" she asked. And I said, "Yes, in hearing this story, I am angry at your husband for treating you this way." She immediately started crying and, in a small, meek voice, said, "Me too, I am just not comfortable saying it."

We spent a large chunk of our time together helping her learn how to feel and express anger in a healthy way—learning how to find her voice. Speak up for herself. Recognize what anger felt like and how to share it in healthy, productive ways.

Spread it: Or maybe you are ok with your anger. A former client of mine was very comfortable with her anger. She would yell at her kids, belittle her husband and tell anyone she knew how she felt about them. She didn't enjoy expressing herself in this way, but she had vowed to herself after watching her mother be so meek and mild to her father that she wasn't going to walk through life without expressing herself. She and I spent much of our time together working on healthy ways to express her anger and figuring out what was at the root of her anger. Frequently what we THINK we are angry about is merely a trigger to what is happening in the present moment. We might be yelling at our child for missing the bus, but we are frustrated because by missing the bus, we feel like less of a parent. There are many inappropriate ways of expressing anger: Passive-aggressive, talking behind someone's back, yelling at someone, hitting someone, or belittling someone.

How to deal with anger productively

Own it. Anger is as much a part of life as joy and sadness. The more we try to avoid our anger, the more it pops up.

Express it. If you are filled with rage, let it out in a safe way. Throw dishes, throw eggs, hit a pillow, scream at the sky, write a nasty letter and burn it, turn up the music and dance your ass off. Do something physical that is not directed at another person to release it from your body.

Share it calmly. Share it with a friend, partner, or loved one. Sharing can help you get to the cause of the anger, the source. It is important to do this AFTER you have expressed it. During the conversation, if you realize that you are taking the anger out on the person you are talking to--repeat step 1.

Take steps to heal it.  If it is an unexpressed need, express the need and work toward getting it filled. If it is an injustice, share the injustice and work to resolve it. If it is a shame trigger, work to heal your past. Take PRODUCTIVE action. (Yes, I know WAY easier said than done.)

Common causes of anger: people-pleasing, perfectionism, jealousy, shame, feeling powerless, frustration, loss, overwhelm, exhaustion.

Anger doesn't need to be feared. Anger is a healthy, normal part of life. Anger shows us when we are feeling wronged, and when we express it productively, we can change ourselves and the world.

Feeling Unappreciated? What to Do First

Recently a client said to me, "I finally figured out whenever I am complaining about someone else not giving me what I need. First, I have to look and see if I am giving it to myself. And if I am not giving to myself, I need to start there."

She shared how overwhelmed she was feeling and repeatedly kept getting frustrated at her husband. Didn't he see how overwhelmed she was?!?! She just needed him to back off and give her a break! Later, she realized how much she wasn't giving herself a break. How hard she was pushing herself and driving herself. Her husband was not the cause of her overwhelm; she was. Whenever we start noticing our frustration at others building, the first place is to start with ourselves.

"I am so tired of not being heard!" Are you listening to yourself, or are you ignoring your inner voice calling for a break?

"I am so tired of no one appreciating what I am doing" Do you appreciate all you are doing, or do you just keep hammering yourself to get more done?

We do it all the time, look to others to give us what we aren't giving ourselves. We want others to appreciate us, but we don't appreciate ourselves. We want others to listen to us, but we don't listen to ourselves. We want others to love our bodies, but we HATE our bodies. We want others to give us a break when the last thing we ever give ourselves is some love and kindness.

And we take it one step further; we take the stuff we are beating ourselves up about, and we project it on someone else. So we make a gigantic story that someone is disappointed in us when in reality we are disappointed in ourselves.

I did it recently, I had told myself and my husband I would pull the weeds in the backyard. But it never happened. So I kept telling myself what a lazy person I was and how my husband was so disappointed in me that I hadn't done it yet. I thought to myself, I wish he would back off about the gardening. I just haven't gotten to it yet (side note he NEVER mentioned the weeds or the garden)

As I headed out to the garden, I said to my husband, "I am headed outside to finally pull those weeds I promised I would last weekend. Sorry, I didn't get to it earlier. I know it has been driving you crazy". My husband looked at me and said, "What weeds?! I didn't even notice that you hadn't done it." I had been beating myself up for days about the weeds, and my Monger had told me what a terrible person I was and how annoyed my husband was at me about it. I had built this HUGE story in my head that my husband was annoyed about the weeds and was upset that I hadn't pulled them when I said I would do it seven days before. And in reality, he didn't even notice I hadn't done what I said I would. He wasn't monitoring me or my weed pulling! I WAS the one who was beating myself. I was the one who was hammering myself for not following through, getting my chores done, and not being true to my word. I put my negative thoughts about myself all over him. It is a sneaky little way that our wily mongers show up in our lives and convince us we are terrible people.

So the next time you notice yourself thinking, "Ugh, I wish they would..." Ask yourself am I giving this to myself? Am I treating myself with grace and compassion?

And if you are and you still wish your husband would step in and do more than lovingly speak up for yourself and ask for the need. When we appreciate who we are and all we are doing, asking for that need comes from a place of kindness and respect rather than bitterness and resentment. It all Starts with Speaking Your Needs.

The Problem Isn't Your Lack of Motivation

Recently, I had a client sit down for our session and, with a heavy sigh, lament, "I just need to get motivated." She had recently lost her job, was in a transition, and had many things she wanted to get done during this time. But she struggled to get up out of bed in the morning and get going with her day. Her list was LONG, but her motivation was short. This lament is a frequent one of my clients; maybe you can relate. There is a lot you want/should/need to accomplish in your life, but at the end of the day, you just feel lazy and stuck in a rut. So what do you do? You set a goal; you set up a reward system. You hammer yourself into submission. Because somewhere, you learned that the harder you are on yourself, the more productive you will be.

The problem is that over time, these ideas usually fail. Why is that? Why is it most of the time, goals fail us? Goals inspire us to do new things and accomplish tasks and live our dreams. So it isn't so much the goals themselves; it is our approach to the goals.

Here are some ideas to look at when approaching your goals and a way to approach motivation differently.

Let's say your goal is to walk 30 minutes every day.

Telling yourself how much you suck is not motivating.

Goals are fantastic, but when we set a goal to get us to feel like we suck less, it is hard to motivate. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself about a goal. When we set a goal to 'fix ourselves,' it usually doesn't go over well. When compassion is missing from our self-talk, goals won't work. The goal to walk 30 minutes a day is good for your health and heart. But your motivation for doing it is because you are fat and out of shape and need to get in line, or you will be old and frail. Your motivation comes from lack; you are fat and out of shape, so you must walk every day to be a good person. That is a hard message to motivate around. If your self-talk is true, you are already fat and out of shape, so who cares if you walk or not?!?! This negative shaming talk isn't motivational. Changing a habit to walk every day for 30 minutes is a hard habit to change when the whole time you are telling yourself how fat and out of shape you are.

Ask yourself, why is this goal important?

And dig for the answer.

Your first answer is probably going to be a little negative:

• "Because I am fat and out of shape, and walking 30 minutes a day is what they recommend."

Dig a little deeper. What's the more personal answer? How does this goal fit your values?

• Because I want to play with my kids/grandkids and not be so out of shape.

• Because we are headed to Disney World, and I want to enjoy my time and not worry about walking

• Because I enjoy being outdoors and miss exercise.

• Because I feel better when I move my body.

When you dig deep, you unearth the real motivations that fit your values. These motivations can be used when you are full of excuses for not doing the walk.

Ask yourself why you DON'T want to do this goal?

This question is tricky, and I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but trust me. Again dig deep. An easy answer is:

• Because I am fat and out of shape and walking will be hard and painful at first.

But keep going.

• I am afraid to have all that time just to let my thoughts wander.

• What if I fail?

• What if I don't feel any better?

• I don't want to get up early because I lack enough sleep already.

By asking why you don't want to do this goal, you start noticing your resistance. When you pay attention to the resistance, you can deal with it productively. This step is frequently the part we miss. We diminish our resistance by willing ourselves out of it. We tell ourselves, I SHOULD NOT feel any resistance because this is a good goal. When we hear resistance, then we need to have more grace and compassion. When we can pay attention to the resistance, we can set accomplishable goals based on where we are right now.

For example: If we are resistant to waking up and immediately heading out the door to walk then, we decide to walk during our lunch break. And if we are resistant to walking at lunch because we will be too sweaty, then we choose to walk before dinner every night. And if we are resistant that when we get home, we are too exhausted, we can look at all three options and see which is the most doable, or we decide we are going to walk for 15 minutes at lunch and 15 minutes before dinner.

Or, if you are afraid of letting your thoughts wander and get anxious about all that 'time,' then pick out a few podcasts or books on tape that you can listen to.

When we look at resistance, we can then create goals that fit us. They aren't as narrow or fixed. Our goals have more expansiveness. This question also opens up to what lies underneath the goal—fear of failure, fear of success, fear of change. When we are aware of our resistance, we can give ourselves more grace and compassion as we embark on change. We can say, yes, I might fail, and fear of change is ok, AND I am going to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

A final reminder, compassion does not mean 'excuses.'

So often, I hear, "if I give myself, compassion I won't do it. I will just stay in bed." Well, compassion doesn't mean you always get a pass. The opposite of beating yourself up for not walking isn't not walking at all. The opposite is walking while honoring that it is uncomfortable and hard. Compassion means you honor where you are.

• You honor that you don't want to get up.

• You honor that you are afraid of failing.

• You honor the voice in your head that says how much you suck and kindly ask it to move along.

When you do that, it makes getting out of bed that much easier because what is meeting you on the other side isn't some mean bully telling you how much you suck but rather a loving, kind friend telling you, 'hey, I know this is hard, but we can do it."

Beating yourself into submission and calling it motivation will not work. The only way to change your behavior is to honor what comes up and move through it.

As I said to my client, you don't need more motivation; you need more compassion.