Clearly Speaking Your Needs
Truth #1: Your needs DO matter. In fact, in my opinion, your needs are one of the most important things in your life. When you know what you value and know what you need, you can richly engage in your life. You no longer become chained to your to-do list or stuck in worry or doubt because you KNOW what is most important to you.
Truth #2: Basic human nature is to only think about ourselves. So other people, in general, are too busy thinking about their needs to worry about yours. In other words, if you aren't looking out for your needs, probably no one else is. Your needs ARE NOT a priority for other people.
Truth #3: When you swallow, ignore, belittle your needs, it makes it even harder for people to remember, think about, or acknowledge them. Over time the more you don't speak up, the fewer people will think about what you might need.
Truth #4: Women generally tend to be so good at looking out for other people's needs that we forget our own.
Truth #5: The ONLY way your needs will be heard/met/satisfied if:
A. You know what they are
B. You speak them clearly.
Here are some tips for Clearly Speaking Your Needs:
YOU NEED: You want your husband to help with the kids in the morning.
Timing: In the middle of the morning rush with the kids is not the time to mention the need. You are already stressed, and your husband will feel it came out of left field. (Remember, he most likely hasn't been thinking about your needs.) Instead, pick a time when you are both calm and relaxed to share that need.
Specifics: Ask yourself what do I REALLY, REALLY NEED? Get as specific as possible. What do I want my husband to do? Make breakfast? Pack lunches? Get the kids dressed? The more specific you can get on what you need, the better you will feel and the more direction he will have to 'hit' the need.
Tone: Speaking a need isn't a demand. It is a desire, a request, a potential negotiation. So be aware of how you are sharing the need. Just because you NEED it doesn't mean someone else will make it happen. The more you can share what you need, the closer you will get to achieving it. Pay attention to how you ask and how open you are to negotiating the need.
Patience: Remember, your husband sees the world entirely differently than you. He has his perceptions, needs, ideas, thoughts. So your need may be hitting him from out of left field no matter how specific you are. Respect those differences and remember they are ok. Also, if you haven't expressed a need in a while, having a spoken need may be a new concept for him, so be patient and keep trying!!
These tips work with co-workers, friends, not just your intimate relationships. We all need to get better about paying attention to our own AND other people's needs.