The Three Layers of High Functioning Anxiety

“I have High functioning Anxiety, which basically just means I am good at fooling people into thinking I don’t have anxiety.”

I read this anonymous quote yesterday and laughed because that is exactly what High Functioning Anxiety is. I often describe High Functioning Anxiety as a swan floating beautifully calmly on top of the water, and then underneath, she is paddling like hell.

For years my therapist would mention anxiety to me. I would describe a situation, and she would say, "oh yes, that sounds like your anxiety." And I would shrug and think, yep, I get anxious from time to time, but anxiety?! No way.

My stereotype of anxiety was that I would constantly worry, lose sleep and avoid things that stressed me. But I did none of those things—that I was aware of.

That is because High Functioning Anxiety has three layers.

1. The actual anxiety, the worry, fear, and restlessness.

2. The shame we feel for having anxiety. Usually brought on by our Monger and messages we received growing up about “soldiering on” and “being strong.”

3. The unhealthy coping skills we develop to keep the anxiety hidden, such as

• Overfunctioning (the more I do, the better I feel about myself)

• Perfectionism. (If I do it perfectly, I won’t get criticized)

• People pleasing (if other people are happy, I don’t have to think about my feelings),

• Seeing reassurance (if other people validate me, it will keep my anxiety at bay.)

Last weekend we were headed to celebrate a friend of our family’s 90th birthday. We were meeting with friends I hadn’t seen in years, and my anxiety was high—but if you had asked me if I was feeling anxious, I would have said no.

Driving to the event, I was doing all the things I do when I am anxious. I retreat into my head and stop talking. AND My Monger and BFF were having a full-on argument.

My Monger, the inner critic, shared, “What are you going to talk about?!? You are so socially awkward, and you have gained a lot of weight since they saw you last—they will be judging you.”

My BFF was quick to respond, “Judging you!?! Who are they to judge you!!? You are better than them. You know that." The BFF is the voice of false self-compassion, she is always there to have my back, and she often does that by criticizing others—it isn’t something I am proud of, but it is the voice that comes out when I am feeling beaten down by my Monger.

Their fighting causes my stress to go up even higher, and then I hear my Monger. “Why are you anxious?!? You SHOULD be able to go to these events without being anxious!?!?” Ironic that my Monger contributes to my anxiety and then quick to shame me for it.

Driving down the freeway, I could feel my heart racing, and my palms were sweaty on the steering wheel. And I heard my Biggest Fan, chimed in, “Sweet Pea, you are anxious, you have anxiety, no shame in that. Let’s practice a quick A.S.K. "

A. Acknowledge what you are feeling: insecure, uneasy, uptight, excited, bashful, and uncomfortable.

S Slow Down and Get into Your Body: Take a deep breath and look around. I glanced at the sky, noticed the cars in front of me, and felt my hands on the steering wheel. I could feel my heart rate slow, and I was able to take some deep breaths and calm myself.

K Kindly Pull Back to See the Big Picture, “Sweet Pea, it is ok that you have anxiety. It isn’t a personality flaw. You love these people, and they love you. Yep, they might judge you for your weight, but that is on them. You are a kind, loyal, funny person."

At the event, when I noticed my anxiety increase, I got into my body. I felt my feet on the ground or touched my hands to my legs and reminded myself I was ok, and after a minute, the anxiety lifted. I had a wonderful time connecting with old friends, laughing, and being present.

Years ago, I would have let my BFF and Monger argue unchecked, and I would have spent the evening over-functioning. Making sure everyone was ok, helping the host, and jumping from person to person to caretake. I would not have been present and left the event totally exhausted, and my Monger and BFF would have continued their conversation all the way home.

My therapist was right, I have anxiety, and it takes a different form than how we traditionally look at it. I am so grateful that now I know that my anxiety is different, and I need to treat it differently. It is more than just taking 3 deep breaths. It is recognizing the unhealthy coping skills, quieting the shame, and practicing A.S.K.

When you Need to Hear More Than "Be Grateful"

The theme of empathy kept popping up for me this week:

An Ohio State Football Player, Harry Miller, announced he was taking medical leave because of his mental health. In the post, he shares how one of the reasons it took him so long to get help was the lack of empathy he would receive when he shared his struggles. The response he got was, "you are so talented and have the whole world in front of you, be grateful." What he heard was, "You are weak and pathetic because you are suffering so much. Quit being a cry baby and suck it up." They left him feeling dismissed and unsupported in their effort to "help" him to the point he contemplated suicide.

And the friend who shared that when she expressed a difficult moment to a co-worker, they dismissed her with a, "Well thank God that is over." What she heard was, "You are too sensitive. You shouldn't be upset it is over."

Or when I shared a painful disappointment with someone this week, and they said, "Well, you need to be patient, and it will happen. You just need to work harder."

What I heard was, "Quit complaining and get to work. You are so impatient and demanding. You need to work harder and quit whining."

None of these people who were unempathetic were intentionally trying to hurt us. They were trying to help. But in reality, they left us feeling more raw and damaged.

When I have gathered the courage to share my story with someone, and I am met with a trite statement about being grateful and soldiering on, I want to punch something. Looking for support and not getting it is a punch to the gut and can send us down a rabbit hole of shame and anger.

So what do you do when you share in the hopes of gaining support and are met with a statement about being grateful and thinking positive? Honestly, I wish I had some easy answers, but here is what I TRY to do (I am not always successful)

• Be kind to myself. Even if someone else doesn't have my back, I try to have my own back (again, this is not always easy). I will say to myself, "Ugh, that sucks. Wow, people are terrible at empathy. Try to remember this is not about me."

• Pull out the feelings sheet and acknowledge what I am feeling—it is tempting to get stuck in the anger (as Harry Miller shared in his statement). So when I can acknowledge my feelings and name the anger, shame, sadness, and frustration, it can prevent me from heading down a shame rabbit hole. Even though I know this helps, sometimes I do this right away, and sometimes it takes me a day or so before I think to do it.

• Remind myself everyone is doing the best they can with what they have. Not to excuse crappy behavior but as a way to remind myself that it might not be about me.

• AND if it is someone I care about, like a close friend or family member, I will circle back and have a conversation about how they missed the mark and what they can do differently next time to support me better.

This is also why I talk about self-loyalty so much. Having self-loyalty makes me more likely to do the things necessary to support myself after being met with a lack of empathy. So I can keep myself from heading too far down a rabbit hole of shame and anxiety.

This whole process is what I talk about in Self Loyalty School---building self loyalty to get to the root of your anxiety, so it doesn't run the show.

Healthy Ways To Deal With Your Emotions: The Why And How

Whether we like it or not, emotions influence our perceptions and day-to-day decisions. Sometimes they can make us feel like we’re on top of the world and sometimes our emotions can be overwhelming. When we don’t allow our emotions they can cause our anxiety to increase and can make us feel out of control.

Not dealing with emotions can lead to turmoil, exhaustion, burnout, or worse. This is especially true for people that struggle with high functioning anxiety (HFA), who try to overcompensate for their emotions by overworking themselves. To stop emotions from getting in the way, you have to recognize and learn to deal with them in a healthy way that works for you.

Trying to deal with uncomfortable emotions can be nerve wracking, especially if you don’t know where to start. Trust me, I get it. But don’t let those nerves stop you from getting the help you need. By recognizing and dealing with our emotions, we can learn how to control them without letting them control us.

Recognizing Your Emotions Is The First Step

If you haven’t already read my blog about recognizing your emotions, it might give you some great insight about emotional recognition and why it’s important to do so in order to properly deal with emotions in a healthy and helpful way.

People with HFA like to think they can shut off their emotions when they need to. I’ve tried to do this myself many times. Much to my disappointment, your emotions won’t go away by you ignoring them. They always find a way to be expressed, usually it is through creating, what I call, smoke screens. These smoke screens are inappropriate ways our emotions get expressed, such as yelling at your spouse when you are frustrated with your boss. Or being overly anxious about a project at work when you are really worried about your Mom’s recent cancer diagnosis.  

If you are dealing with HFA, you’ve probably struggled with this inner battle, too, and maybe these same cycles of suppressing and exploding emotions. Luckily, there are better and healthier ways to deal with our emotions than pretending like they don’t exist.

The first step is to recognize your emotions and why they’re happening. Ask yourself:

1. What emotions are you feeling?

2. Did anything happen to trigger these emotions?

3. What did you do as a result?

Don’t be afraid to feel and reflect on the emotions that arise when you ask yourself these questions. Dealing with our feelings isn’t easy, but in order to handle your emotions, you need to be able to recognize them when they arise.

How To Deal With Your Emotions

After acknowledging your emotions, the next step is to learn how to deal and live with them so they don’t continue to dismantle your life. Here are some suggestions I often recommend to my own clients who are learning how to deal with their emotions.

1. Accept your emotions for what they are

Ignoring our feelings can make them pent up and explode over time which is why it’s so important to accept your emotions - all of your emotions - when they arise. Instead of pushing your feelings away, remind yourself that it’s okay to feel. The emotion itself is harmless; it is our action in response to the emotion that can cause harm. Accepting our emotions for what they are will allow us to get more comfortable with them, so that over time we’ll know how to deal with them.

2. Take some time to reflect

I always encourage clients to give themselves time to calm down and reflect. As overthinkers and high functioners, we often run off our initial impulse to push our emotions away because we’re either afraid to feel them or we’re scared they’ll get in the way of our productivity. Give yourself some time to process your emotions when they arise, so that later, you can analyze them with a clear mind and see them for what they really are.

3. Try meditations and mindfulness hacks

Meditating doesn’t always mean sitting on the floor attempting downward dog. Sometimes meditating is simply taking a deep breath and doing a full body movement. Moving our body helps get us out of our heads where we spend way too much time judging ourselves for the emotions we feel. Even simple meditations like taking three deep breaths allows us to get back to the present moment and reconnect with our minds and bodies.

Learn How To Deal With Your Emotions With An Anxiety Coach

Along with accepting your emotions, taking some time to reflect, and trying some simple meditations, working with an anxiety coach is another great way to learn how to deal with your emotions.

As an anxiety coach, I believe there isn’t one guaranteed way to deal with emotions because everyone is different. What works for me might not work for you. That’s why I’m committed to listening to problems, offering solutions, and working alongside you to create a plan that works for you. 

I offer one-on-one coaching services for those that want a listening ear and helpful hand. I also have a self-guided course that goes over recognizing and dealing with emotions for those that want to learn more. If you’re ready to take the next step, then set up a free consultation with me today to learn more about how to deal with emotions in a healthy way.

Don’t Let Your Emotions Get In The Way Of Your Productivity

If you struggle with anxiety, you’re probably all too familiar with waves of overwhelming feelings that never seem to give up. When left untreated, those emotions and anxious thoughts can build and get in the way of our productivity. This can cause a big problem for people with high functioning anxiety (HFA), who value productiveness and getting things done despite the anxiety they feel.

A very common response I see to this is to hide those feelings or ignore them completely either because we don’t want to deal with the situation or we’re scared to just feel. Bottling up emotions can eventually lead us to lose control over our abilities to keep them suppressed. 

What we should do instead is recognize that emotions are not positive or negative, they are just biological responses to the world around us. When we learn emotional control we are better able to control our emotions in a way that encourages productivity.

How Emotions Get In The Way Of Productivity

Emotions get in the way of our productivity when we don’t give ourselves permission to acknowledge them, instead we get stuck over analyzing and judging the way we feel.

Let’s use an example. My boss said something to me that makes me really angry--rather than just recognizing how I’m feeling, I get stuck in analyzing whether or not my anger is an appropriate response to what my boss said. I go chat with a co-worker and tell her why I’m angry and she agrees with me which just makes me angrier. 

Despite what my coworker said to me, my inner critic (I call this voice a Monger) starts in about how I should be grateful I have a job, I shouldn’t be angry, and I’m just a privileged spoiled brat. My inner critic/Monger makes me anxious so I seek another coworker's advice to help me sort through my feelings. I once again explain the situation and my co-worker agrees with me, too. She sparks my feelings even more and we end up spending 30 minutes together just beating up on our boss. 

The emotions we feel aren’t the problem, it’s our response and action to the emotion. Too often we respond to the feeling by engaging in more drama and help to justify that it’s ok to feel a certain way. This is a huge waste of time. In the moment, your feelings may feel justified, but what did you really get out of that experience?

How To Control Emotions And Feelings

Emotional control is not about suppressing and controlling feelings so we don’t feel them anymore. It’s about understanding yourself and your emotions and learning how to cope with them in a way that is healthy and not harmful to your productivity.

One way we can do this is when our emotions cause us to act out or make impulsive decisions that have negative repercussions. I always encourage clients to give themselves time to calm down, reflect, and do a full-body movement. Moving our body helps get us out of our heads where we spend too much time judging whether our emotions are ok to feel or not and building a case for either side. Give yourself some time to process your emotions, then later, you can analyze what really happened and see it for what it is. 

Let’s refer to the example I gave previously. When I run off my emotions and let them impact how I react, I could do or say something to my boss or coworker that I would regret later. After taking some time to reflect, I can see if they were right or not to criticize me and then decide from there what steps I want to take. If they were right, then I chalk it up to my boss doing their job and I just need to accept the criticism. Or maybe this is the 3rd time they criticized me in a really harsh way so I need to take action and either have a conversation with my boss or find another job. 

Taking the time to reflect on our emotions and decisions helps us clear our head to make the best decision we can in the moment. Sometimes even that decision won’t be right, and that’s okay. The important thing to remember is emotional control allows you to make space for your emotions and deal with them in a healthy way, rather than suppressing them and pretending they don’t exist.

Learn How To Control Your Emotions With An Anxiety Coach

It takes reflection, patience, and self loyalty to find the source of your anxiety and figure out a plan to work through it. All of this process is about honoring your reaction to the world around you and building a loyalty with yourself so that over time this process becomes more like a healthy habit and less of a battle.

If you are someone who struggles with controlling feelings and emotions as a result of HFA and desperately wants to learn how you can work through them, then set up a free consultation with me today.

My coaching services offer a one-on-one approach and are tailored to your specific needs. I also have a self-guided course that covers emotional identification skills for those struggling with overwhelming feelings. Check out my course or my services to learn more about managing your emotions and productivity.

Recognizing Your Emotions And Why You Should Be

Emotions. We’ve all dealt with them. Sometimes we feel like we’re on top of the world, and sometimes we feel like we can’t get any lower. From the highs to the lows, intense emotions can be hard to navigate and control if we don’t know how. This is especially true for those that suffer from high functioning anxiety (HFA). 

People with HFA want to be in control of their emotions and often believe that if they just suppressed their feelings they’d be able to do more, achieve more, and be better people. But suppressing or hiding our emotions only makes it worse and there are much easier and healthier ways to deal with them than trying to ignore them all together. Recognizing your emotions is an important first step towards working through them. 

As an anxiety coach, I work with you to learn how to recognize your feelings so you can work through them and get your life back. Instead of letting your emotions get the best of you or get in the way of your goals, you can learn how to recognize, accept, and feel emotions without them derailing your life. 

Why You Should Identify Your Emotions

At times, emotions can be overwhelming and hard to handle. We’ve probably all dealt with waves of emotions that may have blinded our decision making skills or caused us to have a breakdown. 

For most of us with HFA, we like to think that we’re able to shut our emotions off when we need to. When we’re feeling overwhelmed with an emotion, we push it down and refuse to acknowledge it. Bottling up our feelings can eventually lead us to lose control over our abilities to keep them suppressed.

If we’re not careful, these emotions can build up so much that we lash out in anger, breakdown, or stay awake at night just feeling. Being unable to control these pent up emotions can seriously derail our lives if we let it. 

So what can we do to prevent these emotional reactions from happening? Recognizing your emotions is the first step towards being able to work through them, getting control of how you feel, and living a more fulfilling life where you don’t have to become robot-like in order to survive.

How To Recognize Emotions

Everyone’s emotions are different, so there’s not just one way someone can say how to identify emotions. In general though, there are some questions that you can ask yourself that will give you some insight into why you’re feeling the way you do.

This is the same process my coaching centers on in A.S.K., a tool I teach my clients and students how to use to get control of emotions. It all starts with identifying and recognizing emotions.

Because people with HFA tend to judge any emotion that isn’t happy or content, we can get caught up in justifying their emotions, rather than just acknowledging them. This keeps us stuck in our heads and can lead to more anxiety and negative self talk.  

People with HFA tend to judge any emotion that isn’t happiness or contentment. When we do this, we can often get caught up in justifying those emotions rather than just acknowledging them. This keeps us stuck in our heads and can lead to more anxiety and negative self talk. Instead, try following these steps: 

1. What emotions are you feeling?

When you feel your emotions getting out of control, or don’t understand where your emotions are coming from, try figuring out what emotions are coming up. Write them down. Figure out exactly what you’re feeling and where they're stemming from. 

Are you feeling angry? Or are you confused and anxious over something? Are you ready to give up on everyone and everything? Or do you actually feel unfulfilled - longing for something to get you motivated again?

2. Did anything happen to trigger these emotions?

Emotions can be triggered by someone or something. You may feel like your emotions have and always will be the same, but more times than not, there’s a specific reason your emotions may have been triggered.

Most of the time, they can be linked back to something that someone said or did, and sometimes the culprit is our own thoughts. When you feel an overwhelming emotion coming on, try to recognize if there was a specific person or situation that may have triggered those feelings. If you can recognize the source that triggers the emotions we feel in the moment, then we can prepare ourselves for when that source tries to trigger us again. 

3. What did you do as a result?

Emotions can blind our judgement and make us do things we wouldn’t normally do. The aftermath of emotional turmoil or an emotional breakdown often comes with guilt and regret because of something we did or said. To avoid this from happening, you need to recognize what reactions and urges your emotions are making you have. This requires us to be completely honest with ourselves even if it’s not always easy to admit. Being honest with yourself allows you to understand the impact that emotions can have and be aware of your actions when you feel yourself gravitating towards those urges. 

Recognize Your Emotions With An Anxiety Coach

If you are someone who struggles with emotional recognition as a result of HFA and desperately wants to learn how to be aware of your emotions so you can work through them, then set up a free consultation with me today.

I’ve worked hard to provide clients with the options they need in order to recognize and manage emotions. My coaching services offer a more one-on-one approach and are tailored to your specific needs.

I also have a self-guided course that covers emotional identification and emotional intelligence skills for those struggling with recognizing emotions. Check out my course to learn more about how you can start getting control over your emotions.

Some Weeks Are Better Than Others

This week I ate too much sugar, didn't acknowledge my feelings, didn't work out, my anxiety was high, my Monger was loud, and my BFF was in full do-whatever-you-want mode. I was super sensitive and white-knuckled through much of the week. Even as I type this, my Monger is saying, "Why are you sharing this!?!? You are supposed to be HELPING people, not showing all the ways you did it wrong!!"  

Ugh, she is just so mean.

But the reason I am sharing my "I-did-all-the-unhelpful-things-week" is because even though I was doing all the unhelpful things, this time felt different:

In my twenties, I wouldn't have even noticed the behaviors as unusual. My BFF would have justified the behaviors as ok in response to the stress of the week. I would have unconsciously jumped back and forth between my Monge, beating me up, and my BFF, giving me a free pass.

In my thirties, I would have noticed the behaviors and spent most of the week beating myself up for not doing the things I know will help. I would have hammered myself for being lazy, incompetent, and stubborn and not eating healthier, exercising, and being so annoyingly emotional. "Get over yourself. It's not that bad," I would have said over and over again.

This past week, I noticed that behavior, and I knew the way around it, practice ASK:

Acknowledge what I am feeling,

Slow down and get into your body and

Kindly pull back to see the big picture,

AND I still didn't do it.

Every time my Biggest Fan stepped in and said, "Sweetpea, just practice ASK." I said, "Nope, I don't want to do that. I don't want to go there." And she said, "Ok, but the bare minimum, we aren't beating ourselves up about that." And when I mindlessly reached for the donuts and ate way too many, my Biggest Fan stepped in and said, "Well, that just happened. Maybe we can eat a salad for lunch to get some veggies in you?"

The difference between this week and in the past, my Biggest Fan, the voice of self-loyalty, had a consistent presence to remind me I am human and I will not get it perfect. This week was hard, and my behaviors weren't always supportive of my higher good, AND at a bare minimum, I am not going to shame myself for them.

We want to make change, to fix ourselves, to stop feeling anxious and white-knuckling. And change starts with two things—consistently building awareness of our reactions to the world and not shaming ourselves for our choices and behaviors.

The truth is, days, weeks, and even months like last week are going to happen. Life can be overwhelming, and sometimes doing all the healthy things, even when they serve me, feels too hard. But when I am kind to myself, when I have my own back and can practice self-loyalty, I return to those healthy behaviors faster. Not because I should, not because a good person would, or because it is the right thing to do, but because I feel better when I do them.

In the past, I would get caught up trying to do it right and when I didn't, my Monger would hammer and belittle me. Then to ease the pressure, my BFF would step in to encourage me to do whatever I want.

Now my Biggest Fan is there to remind me I am ok—it is ok—even when I don't choose the best, healthiest way.

The two key ways to start building that relationship with the Biggest Fan

• Consistently building awareness of our reactions to the world when we are stressed.

• And not shaming ourselves for our choices and behaviors

Be kind to yourself, you are human, you are doing your best, some weeks are better than others.

How I Reduced Anxiety By Removing Comparison

I have written a post on The Danger of Comparisons where I talk about how comparing ourselves to others can hurt us. Even as a high-functioning anxiety coach, I still struggle with the monster of comparison daily. 

In short, I am a Comparison Addict.

There are many things I want to accomplish, writing an ebook/course, recording more videos, writing more in general, and reaching more and more clients. I have found, especially with my writing, I get paralyzed in comparison. Meaning, I spend WAY too much time online, on blogs, on marketing sites figuring out HOW to do the activity vs. just do it. Then I end up:

• not accomplishing anything

• feeling bad about myself because I didn’t accomplish anything

• feeling bad that I failed against everyone I compared myself with

It is an endless loop of wasted energy. And as an anxious overachiever, sometimes I feel even worse about the things I didn’t accomplish.

Over the past few weeks, I have been building awareness around this problem and realized it is a multi-layer problem:

1. I am just wasting time.

2. I am not facing my fears or working through my anxiety

3. I am not living the life I want to be living; I am settling for being paralyzed in the shadows of others.

So I have declared a Week of No Comparison for myself. For one week, I wanted to concentrate on the many goals I set for myself and didn’t want to waste time on the internet looking at how I SHOULD be doing it.

Here are the ‘guidelines’ I set for myself:

1. Check daily blogs but don’t look at random blogs throughout the day.

2. Post to my blogs or social media but don’t randomly check either throughout the day

3. Check something online when it’s necessary and not for mindless scrolling or reading.

4. Build awareness around when I get stuck. Am I scrolling when I have to be productive, creative, face a fear, or all of the above?

5. Check email at a designated time of the day. Don’t read newsletters or emails that come up throughout the day.

6. Finally, I will have a lot of self-compassion around this event. I am fully aware I may not succeed at a comparison-free week–the goal of this week is to ease up on the amount of time I spend in comparison mode AND pay attention to what is coming up for me in the process. It is a week of awareness, compassion, and incremental change.

I recognize comparison may not be an issue for you. However, no matter what habit or pattern is getting in your way, one of the keys to living happier is bringing awareness, building compassion, and making small meaningful changes. That was my goal, to notice when I get snagged, build in some practices to help me through those times, and have a lot of compassion for myself in the meantime. 

How Removing Comparison Affected My Anxiety

After taking a week to practice not comparing myself to those on the internet, I attempted to increase my productivity and decrease my negative talk. As a mental health professional, I WANT to be able to say:  

• It was a rousing success.

• I didn’t compare myself to anyone for at least a week.

• It went so well that here I am, weeks later, still successfully non-comparing.

• My comparison behavior has been changed downright eliminated.

• My productivity has skyrocketed.

• I am healed from comparison syndrome.

As I said, I WANT to be able to write that.

But what is the truth?

In reality, I started strong. I was able to limit my comparing for the first week, and then slowly, it crept back in. And before I knew it, I was back to some of my old patterns of spending WAY too much time on the internet and using it as a way to feel bad about myself. As someone who teaches about creating positives changes around high anxiety, I felt a bit like a fraud to say that I have not succeeded. 

But then, last night, as I lay in bed unable to sleep, I thought to myself, “I have changed.” No, I haven’t completely changed. I haven’t eliminated the behavior. But I have:

• made myself more aware of when I compare myself to others.

• noticed when I start heading down the slippery road to comparison hell (sometimes I can stop it, sometimes I don’t notice until I am too far down the path).

• I paid attention to what triggers the behavior, how it feels when I am doing it and have implemented some small ways to change it when I notice it.

That right there is a change for me—admitting that, while yes, I haven’t succeeded in eliminating the behavior–I have succeeded. Because, after all, all change is incremental.

Too often, we set our goals too high and make them almost out of reach. We set ourselves up for failure.

Honestly, was I going to be able to go cold turkey from comparing myself to others? No
Is it a behavior I would like to change? Yes
Is it something that is going to take time? Absolutely

As I say to my clients, the way to make real change is awareness. We need to notice the behavior, what triggers it, what the feelings are around it. We often give into over-functioning habits the most at work and tell ourselves it is required to be successful.

Sometimes we notice the behavior while we are doing it, sometimes within 5 minutes, sometimes within 30, sometimes it is days later we look back and say, “Wow, I totally did {fill-in the blank} on Monday, and I wish I hadn’t.”

Gradually as we start bringing awareness, and through being intentional, change occurs. That is what is happening with my comparison-free time. It may not be all day, every day, but for larger chunks of the day, I am comparison-free, which in itself is a victory!!

Struggling with Comparison Causing Anxiety?

For many of us with high functioning anxiety, comparison is a key trigger that causes us to spiral out into thoughts we feel we can’t control. Common symptoms of high functioning anxiety include feeling like you’re doing enough because you’re comparing yourself—and set yourself up for failure or burnout because of comparisonitis.

Comparisonitis leaves you feeling worthless, inadequate, or like there’s something wrong with you that’s holding you back from the successes you see in others. If you’re nodding your head that you’ve felt that way after comparing yourself and laid awake at night going over and over that negative self-talk afterward, working on reducing comparison in your life can help. 

You can take some of the same steps I did to get started, like identifying triggers that cause you to start comparing yourself and taking actions to reduce those triggers. Learning how to deal with comparison and the resulting feelings when it happens is another positive step.

Need help or someone to talk to who has been there? Get in touch to learn about my anxiety coaching program that teaches you how to use strategies to help you deal with feelings of comparison.

The Mixed Blessing Of Having A High Empathy Radar

In my late 20s, while in graduate school, I took a full-time job at a local university. I had two different responsibilities working in the Career Services Office, helping students with their careers, and living in and managing the upper-class apartment complex. The job was a mix of apartment manager, rule enforcer, and big sister. The career counseling job was fantastic! The apartment manager job? Well, it was the worst job I ever had, and I was terrible at it.

One of my superpowers has always been sensing what people need and giving it to them (sometimes even before they know it is a need). You may have heard this superpower as being an empath or a highly sensitive person. I call it having a High Empathy Radar. Frequently people with High Functioning Anxiety have a High Empathy Radar.

It took me a long time to realize that a High Empathy Radar:

• Was a superpower.

• Not everyone had it

• If I didn't control it--it could drain me.

The job was all-consuming. Living where I worked was exhausting and constantly being on alert for my students' needs was too much.

Because I didn't know how to control my High Empathy Radar, it ran amuck. From my career counseling students by day to the residents by night, I was on 24/7. My High Functioning Anxiety was in full swing. My Monger was always screaming at me that I was failing, and I was in full-on push, push, push mode. To survive, I shut down, I became angry. I lashed out at those I loved and/or gave them the silent treatment. My world became smaller and smaller.

If you had met me at that time, you would not have described me as an empathetic person.

Looking back at that time, I can see the job was a bad fit, and I was miserable. But it taught me a lot of lessons.

• Empathy is a nuanced superpower. It is a gift, and it can be overwhelming.

• Learning how to create boundaries with a High Empathy Radar is hard and necessary. I tended to be all or nothing with boundaries. So I appeared 'hardened' or 'all business' when in reality, I was super sensitive. That hard shell was protecting all those feelings of incompetence in not having the solutions to all the problems my High Empathy Radar was picking up.

• If I am not careful, I can spend all my empathy reserves on my job, and so those I love are left with the hardened "all business" Nancy, which is not what anyone wants, especially me.

Frequently clients will share that their spouse has called them unempathetic, or they wish they had more energy to give at home. Their Monger steps in to beat them up for being so selfish and mean when in reality, it is the exact opposite. They are too empathetic, too sensitive, too kind to everyone around them, and they have no empathy left to give to those they love the most.

You might be waiting in anticipation for the "three ways you can change this pattern and use your High Empathy Radar for good."

Unfortunately, it isn't that easy; the process is nuanced.

However, I do have an exercise to help you get started.

Notice how often you are:

• Only reacting to your Monger or the expectations of others.

• Running on auto-pilot.

• Pushing beyond your comfort zone

• Lashing out at those you love.

When you see these patterns pull back, practice A.S.K. be kind to yourself and remind yourself of your values.

And remember, this is a nuanced process. You aren't a bad person. You just have a High Empathy Radar and have learned some survival skills that aren't serving you anymore. Unlearning those survival skills and re-learning others is hard. Be patient. Be kind. It takes time.

This Is Who We Are–Yep, I Am Afraid So

In response to the riot at the Capitol building Wednesday, leaders said, “this isn’t who we are; we aren’t people who do this.” And I internally cringed. Because clearly, we are people who do this---because we did---my fellow Americans---did this.

The statement “this isn’t who we are” is a judgment statement, and it doesn’t allow for growth. Because until we can admit, yep, as a society, this is who we are, we can’t make change. I want to stand on the moral high ground. THEY are bad people. THEY are evil. THEY are stupid, ignorant, and unworthy. And yet, I know they are husbands, wives, sisters, and fathers. They are human.

As humans, we can ‘otherize’ people to the point that we want to inflict violence. As humans, we are entitled, judgmental, and prone to blame to make ourselves feel better. Humans are messy and imperfect. We are capable of evil and extreme kindness all at the same time. It isn’t an all or nothing proposition; it is a both-and idea.

To be clear, I am not excusing people. I am furious about what happened. The people who stormed the Capitol and desecrated it should be punished. When I make a bad decision that causes harm and destruction, I should pay the price for that decision.

If we are going to make change personally and at a societal level, we have to be willing to own the uncomfortable parts of who we are. This summer, I remember walking the dog and listening to Brene Brown’s interview with Ibram X Kendi and he explained how we are awash in racism is it raining from the sky. We are all racist. I can remember exactly where I was when I heard this, and I can remember the extreme relief I felt. It isn’t a moral failing. It isn’t an issue of a good person or a bad person; it just is. I was so stuck in defensiveness in proving ‘this isn’t who I am ‘that I couldn’t move forward to make change. Now months later, I can more easily own where my biases show up. I can question myself and see the ‘otherizing’ of people that I so naturally do. Practicing noticing without judging allows for growth.

But when we stand up and say ‘this is not who we are,’ we ignore the facts. As a society, this is who we are. We all watched it happen live on television. But standing on the moral high ground doesn’t make change.

I don’t have the answers for moving forward with our country that is divided, with systemic racism and bias so rampant it is impossible to ignore. But I do, on both an individual and societal level, know we need to start owning; this is who we are. Because if we don’t change cannot happen.

It's Okay to Hate the Feelings

Last night, I watched David Chappelle's opening monologue on Saturday Night Live. I like him because he always makes me think. He talked about how even though most of the country is feeling joy and hope right now, many people are feeling disappointment, disenfranchisement, and sadness.

He said,

"I know how that feels; we all know how that feels. 

But the difference between me and you. 

You guys hate each other for those feelings, and I don't hate anybody. 

I just hate that feeling! 

That's what I fight through, and that's what I suggest you fight through.

 You got to find a way to live your life. 

You got to find a way to forgive each other. 

You got to find a way to find joy in your existence despite that feeling." 

Every cell in my body screamed YES! YES! YES!

Nothing is a simple formula; our collective anxiety won't be solved with a simple formula, neither will our anxiety. The only way through is acknowledging those feelings, hating the feeling, not the people.

The world is complicated, and I certainly don't know how to fix it. I know it requires people to respect each other, challenge each other, talk to each other, and allow those feelings. In conversations with friends and family, we want clear-cut answers. We want a simple formula that will lead the way. 

I am tired of COVID-19. I am irritated that the holidays have been turned on their heads. I am heartbroken that I won't spend Thanksgiving with my family in Chicago this year. I am frustrated with wearing a mask anytime I leave the house. But rather than acknowledging my many complicated feelings, I tend to jump between blaming others and self-blame. I blame people for not taking COVID seriously, and then I blame myself for being too scared. When I pause and remind myself to slow WAY down, I can say to myself, wow, I hate the feelings COVID brings up. I don't hate the people. In remembering this concept, I can allow those feelings, and then I can find a way through them. I can see a bigger picture. Blame (both self and others) keeps us stuck.

The same holds for the many problems facing the United States. We tend to blame THEM (whoever they are) for the problems. Democrats blame Republicans. Republicans blame Democrats. And even within the parties, there is blame and division. But the solutions will only be found when we acknowledge our feelings. Personally, things shifted when I started owning my shame, regret, and uncomfortableness about how I viewed my privilege. Going one level, deeper things shifted even more when I acknowledge my feelings of defensiveness, frustration, and sorrow at seeing my role in systemic racism. It is freaking hard and UNCOMFORTABLE! But allowing the feelings stopped me from spinning between blaming others and blaming myself. I could recognize I hated the feelings this issue brought up. I didn't hate the people. I hated the feelings. And after allowing those feelings I could then look for solutions, look for a way through.

This idea translates into our everyday lives. We blame our partners for not being empathetic enough when, in reality, we aren't giving ourselves empathy. We hate our partner rather than hating the feelings of distress or agitation that we might be feeling. Or we are angry at a friend for being too demanding when we haven't also acknowledged that we are really feeling frustrated that we haven't spoken up. Taking that one level deeper, we aren't acknowledging the shame we feel for feeling frustrated with our friends, so we hate them instead of hating the feelings.

The world is messy. I know the way out is acknowledging the feelings. 

 It is not ok to hate others. 

It is not ok to hate ourselves.

It IS ok to hate those feelings.

The Never-Ending Game of Mercy

I remember as a kid playing the hand wrestling game Mercy with my older brother. Inevitably I would cry "mercy! mercy!" as he twisted my hands, and he would taunt me in that special brotherly way, "New rules! We changed the name of the game, the new password it isn't mercy, start guessing!"

That is how I feel today. Like I am screaming "mercy," and the universe is saying, "Nope, we changed the rules; new password needed."

The collective anxiety is at a fever pitch. An increase in COVID cases and hospitalizations as we enter the holiday season, combined with an unknown election outcome here in the states, has left me and most people I know in a state of anxiety. Never mind that we were already screaming mercy back in August---the hits keep coming.

So often, I feel like I am the reality checker for my clients. Living with High Functioning Anxiety means we have impossible standards for ourselves. We tell ourselves we must be happy, be grateful; it's not that bad; why are we struggling so much? It's no big deal.

Here is a reality check. It is hard right now. It is anxiety-producing. Everything is 1000 times harder. You are not broken. You are not weak. You are not ungrateful or a loser. You are a human living through a very challenging time.

There are two parts to reducing anxiety:

1. Acknowledging what you are experiencing without judgment: allowing yourself to FEEL what is under the anxiety, not pushing it down or belittling yourself for it but allowing it.

2. Stress management techniques: deep breaths, stretching, practicing mindfulness or meditation, slowing down, going for a walk, getting into nature, etc.

We are generally good at practicing part 2, but that isn't enough if we haven't first practiced part 1. That's because practicing part 1 is hard and, in many ways, unnatural. Our bodies and minds tell us to keep going, soldier on, minimize minimize minimize. Occasionally, the message of keep going, it is not that bad, is helpful. But ignoring our experience and dismissing our feelings isn't a long-term strategy. And for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety, we treat it as a long-term strategy.

We have learned to avoid the parts of ourselves we disapprove of, walling ourselves off and becoming more and more robotic and anxiety-filled. It is exhausting.

Things shifted for me when I finally started listening to myself—really listening. I realized maybe the answer wasn't going to be found out there; maybe I needed to start getting to know myself: warts and all.

When my Monger would start talking, telling me I was weak and not coping well, I said to myself, "What if I am?"

I realized that my anxiety tells me if I pretend it isn't true, it must not be true. It is the same logic as a two-year-old who thinks you disappear when she closes her eyes. It sounds absolutely crazy as I type this, but I see it in my clients all the time.

When I ask, "What if you aren't coping well?" they look at me aghast. Then I follow it with, "that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. You are human. And from time to time, humans don't cope well." Then I list off all the stressors they have in their life. "homeschooling, COVID, elections, life, relationships, grief," They respond with relief because they have been operating out of the ignore, and it will go away strategy, which isn't working. Inevitably they say, "You are right! I didn't see it that way! That makes sense."

Today I give you permission to be you. To be tired, stressed, exhausted, hopeful, lazy, busy, overwhelmed.

You aren't doing it wrong. You are human. Humans are complex. Humans are imperfect. Humans are messy. So let's be human together.

The next time you hear your Monger criticizing you for not being strong enough, ask yourself, "What if I am weak?" and give yourself room to be human.

Gentle, Gentle, Gentle

Earlier this week, I was frustrated looking to pick a fight. Emotions are high these days; I have been hearing from clients, friends, and loved ones how their feelings are right at the surface. It feels like we are all ready to boil over with frustration, anger, sadness, and for some, an overwhelming feeling of meh. Feelings are coming up that are uncomfortable and logically unexplainable. If something we humans hate (especially those of us with High Functioning Anxiety) is uncomfortable and illogical emotions.

I have been thinking of these messy feelings as a stream we have to cross. Sometimes we can cross the stream of anger or sadness relatively easily. We can figure out what makes us angry or sad and then find a way to cross the stream with relative ease. We can have a conversation, ask for a need, have a good cry, and get to the other side of the stream. And sometimes (I would argue many times), it isn't that easy; we have to stand in the middle of the stream and let the feelings wash over us before we can find our way across.

To be clear, I am very much a work in progress in navigating feelings in a healthy way. My defaults of denial, repression and over-analyzation are strong —just ask my husband. But the following is what I know to be true and what I am working on practicing in my life.

Our first response to feelings is usually wrong. We say to ourselves, "I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY! There must be something wrong with me. I need to get out of this feeling as quickly as possible." So we engage in the following behaviors that usually aren't helpful.

Venting: We reach out to a friend and just rant about all the ways we are annoyed, tired, exhausted.  

Consequence: We don't feel anything; doing this keeps us trapped in our heads. We hang up the phone and temporarily feel better, but it returns later because we haven't acknowledged the feeling.

Shaming: We tell ourselves, "I should be happy? I have so much to be grateful for." Or "this isn't a big deal. Who am I to be sad? People have it WAY worse than me."

Consequence: Basically, we are shaming ourselves for not feeling anything except gratitude 100% of the time. Gratitude is helpful for perspective, and so we can appreciate the little things in our life—it is not a way to bypass our feelings.

Ignoring: The belief is if we ignore it, it will go away.

Consequence: Ignoring it takes a lot of work and usually involves some form of numbing (alcohol, food, scrolling the news, keeping busy and concentrating on our to-do list, etc.) AND it always comes to bite us in the ass. The feeling comes back with a vengeance, so we pick a fight with our spouse, we yell at our kids, we cry uncontrollably, or we get all righteous with our friends.

Analyzing: WHY am I feeling this way? What is wrong? We analyze the feeling to get to the root of it in the hopes it will go away.

Consequence: Sometimes, this is helpful. But not all the time. Analyzing can be another form of ranting. It allows us to hang out in our heads and beat ourselves up for having the feeling in the first place. Often, after we acknowledge and allow the feeling, we can then analyze it and get to the root of the issue.

Doomsdaying: We tell ourselves if we acknowledge the feeling, then we will be screaming and yelling at our family or crying our eyes out all day, and who has time for that? 

Consequence: This is a justification for ignoring. So the same consequence for ignoring applies here.

We do all these mental gymnastics to get out of the feeling. I did all of those things this week, trying to get out of the feeling.

And then I was walking our dog Watterson (I have my best ah-ha's walking Watterson). I kept repeating the phrase gentle, gentle, gentle to myself. I would ask myself what I was feeling, and up would come a feeling: sad, heartbroken, DONE, frustrated, and then my Monger would start in "You should be grateful you have a blessed life." and I would repeat to myself gentle, gentle, gentle and go back into naming my feelings. Rinse and repeat for a few minutes.

Then I heard myself say, "I feel helpless and heartbroken." I felt my body let out a big exhale. My whole body relaxed as if I had seen myself for the first time. For one millisecond, I let down all the defenses of justification and rationalization, and my Biggest Fan chimed in and said, "YES. YES. Oh, Sweetpea, allow that." And then, of course, my Monger chimed in with, "Give me a break, heartbroken, you have nothing to be heartbroken about —why are you so heartbroken?" and here is where we go wrong. We start to justify the feeling. We want to explain it. But I kept bringing myself back to "gentle, gentle, gentle."

To be clear, I wasn't cured by that dog walk moment. I still have been feeling agitated and touchy—but now, when I catch myself feeling heartbroken, I think to myself, "gentle, gentle, gentle." And I allow that feeling of helplessness and heartbreak to seep in. I might get some tears in my eyes, I might feel angry and agitated, and I allow it to happen. And then, 90 seconds or so later, my body gives me a full exhale, and everything loosens up for a bit.

When I remind myself to be gentle, I also remind myself that I am not a robot. I am a human being, and it is ok that this is hard right now.

Years ago, I went in for routine surgery, and I was scared and nervous. Everyone kept telling me this is routine; they have done this surgery thousands of times, don't be afraid. But it wasn't routine for me. It was my first major surgery. Yes, maybe the doctor had done it a thousand times, but it was my body that was going to be cut open and required to heal itself over the next few weeks. It was new to me, so of course, I was scared.

Everything we are experiencing is new to us. This year 2020 has been new to us, unprecedented as they say. And from all accounts, there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel. We are still very much standing in the middle of the stream, awash in uncertainty.

I believe this is why so many people in my world are struggling with these big uncomfortable feelings. Our old coping mechanisms of denial, repression, control and over-analyzation aren't cutting it. We HAVE to find a different way. We HAVE to figure out how to be gentle, gentle, gentle with ourselves.

This is new. This is uncomfortable. But not impossible. We got this.

The F-word: Feelings

Feelings is the ultimate F word, or at least that is how I felt about feelings for a long time.

Ironic that I am using Father’s Day to talk about feelings. This can be an emotionally charged day for many of us, whether we want to admit it or not. Parents, family, mothers, fathers bring up a LOT of feelings.

Feelings are messy and uncontrollable, and if there are two things that those of us with HFA hate, it is messy and uncontrollable. We like to convince ourselves that we can control our feelings. The self-help, personal development world helps us with this message by spreading the myth that thoughts always control your feelings.

But in my experience and research, controlling your feelings is futile. Sure, you can tell yourself to be grateful while feeling sad, or you can tell yourself you want to feel happy, and it might help for a moment or two, but that isn’t how feelings work. Feelings are biological sensations that happen in your body involuntarily.

Let’s say you are walking in the woods and you see something that looks like a snake. Your amygdala (the lizard part of your brain) thinks, “Oh my, that looks like a snake!” and tells your body to freeze. You freeze, and your heart rate increases, and then you start to investigate: you move closer to see if it is alive, you think about what snakes might be in the area, etc.

People in the self-development world who teach that thoughts create feelings would explain this interaction by saying the thought, “Oh my, it’s a SNAKE,” created the feeling of fear, but that is not actually true. The truth is the amygdala being the amazing machine that it is, saw a pattern that it had learned was a threat; our body went into fear mode to heighten our senses so we could figure out what was going on, and then our brain thought, “snake.”

The problem is we aren’t aware of all those other processes. All we are aware of is that we thought “snake” and felt fear, so, therefore, the thought caused the feeling. Even if we determine that it was a rope on the trail instead of a snake, our bodies will need time to settle and let go of the fear. Because the fear is not psychological, it’s biological. 

Here’s an example from my own life. June is a tough month for me, and Father’s Day kicks off a week of reminders that my Dad is gone: my parent’s anniversary and my Dad’s birthday all fall within a week of each other. I will notice myself feeling sad, distracted, and more sensitive leading up to this time. I am not actively thinking about my Dad. I am not actively reminding myself to feel sad or saying to myself, “Uh, no, this week is going to suck.” I will start to feel uneasy before I am aware of what is happening.

So did the feeling cause the thought, or did the thought cause the feeling? It doesn’t matter. And from the research I have done, it could go either way, depending on the thought/feeling combo. But when you are using the idea that thoughts always control feelings, you are giving yourself A LOT of control and setting up expectations that if you could only change your thought, you could change your feelings.

When we have high functioning anxiety, three of our top goals are being in control, accomplishing a lot, and feeling happy. To achieve each of those, we need to ignore any feeling that doesn’t help us toward that goal (so any feeling that isn’t happy).

We ignore ourselves. We ignore our sensations. We ignore our feelings.

So today, as I have moments of sadness in missing my Dad, I can allow those. I can say, “Huh, there it is... Man, oh many, I miss you, Dad. I can shed some tears; I can sob if I need to. I can express that emotion in a healthy, productive way.

Years ago, I would have said to myself:

• It is silly to feel sad. I mean, you had him in your life for years—you should be grateful.

• Your friend just lost her Dad, so she has it so much worse.

Those statements do not change the feeling. They just make me feel shame for having the feeling.

Instead, I can say to myself, “It’s hard to miss him so much. Being sad is hard. And understandable.”

Noticing and allowing my feelings has been a game-changer. This means noticing without judgment. So today, if you feel sad, if you miss your father, or wish you had a different or better relationship with your father, that is okay. You don’t have to justify that he has been gone for years, or you didn’t have a close relationship, or he had a good life. You are sad you miss your Dad. PERIOD. The same is true if you had a joyous day celebrating your Dad. All feelings are okay. You don’t need to justify, prove, or defend them.

All of those excuses were simply geared towards pushing feelings away, shaming you for having them. When you can notice them and allow them, they will dissipate. They become like a ball bouncing on the waves of the ocean: only when we try to control the ball and force it under the water does it become hard. If we allow the ball to just bounce without seeking to control it, it is easier.

It's Been Far Too Long

Let me introduce myself –

I am a white, upper-middle-class, liberal American woman. I am steeped in bias. I am fearful of doing it wrong. I am embarrassed for being so slow to step up and act. I feel ignorant, fragile, and stupid for feeling ignorant and fragile. I feel overwhelmed that the problem is too big. My conflict-avoidant nature tells me to stay quiet, keep my head down, and let the grown-ups in the room figure it out.

And this week, I finally realized that isn’t enough anymore. I HAVE to move past those feelings. I HAVE to risk doing it wrong.

So today’s post is addressed specifically to my fellow white women who might be feeling that way too. 

The first thing I want to say is that I don’t have all the answers. Hell, I don’t even have some of the answers. But I do have a strong willingness to try and learn to do it differently, so this article is opening the conversation. I am going to provide some reflections, give some resources, and invite further discussion. 

I have spent a lot of time (too much time) on social media this week, and there is one trend I see over and over and over: I call it “look at me” protesting. Meaning that well-intentioned white women throw up a liberal post about Black Lives Matter and then throw down a few comments correcting other white people for using the wrong term or sharing the wrong sentiment, all to say, “LOOK AT ME! I am speaking up. I am an open-minded, liberal person.” This act of actively shaming people in the spirit of being a liberal white person is toxic behavior. 

And we need to check ourselves.

I want us to notice our shame. There is SO MUCH SHAME. And when we feel that shame, we get defensive, judgmental, and self-protective. In other words, our BFFs are running amuck.

Our BFF will always protect us from feeling shame (whether from our Mongers or the outside world). She is as sneaky as our Monger. She encourages us to shame other people to make ourselves feel better. She convinces us that everyone else is the problem, and we are good liberal women. She tells us it is okay not to do anything. That it won’t help anyway—I mean, what can one person do when the whole nation is a mess?

I have seen my BFF a lot this week. I see a post on social media that makes me feel shame, and my BFF comes out to say, “Well, who does she think she is?!” or “She said it wrong! It isn’t African American; it is a Person of Color.”

When I hear my BFF yammering, I try to pause and bring in my Biggest Fan. I practice ASK. I acknowledge all of those uncomfortable feelings. I get into my body, and I get some perspective. I ask myself: Wow, what is that about?!? Is there something I need to own here?

I give myself some extra kindness and remind myself that this is uncomfortable. This is hard, and I can do hard things. I can grow here.

We have been steeped in a system of biases. The messages are everywhere in our culture, in our families, and the media—and these messages are taking innocent black lives. We swallow these messages every day, and we need to start owning them, getting uncomfortable, and making corrections. 

So here are some next steps: 

Articles:

Resources to take action: Petitions, protests, and organizations that need money. These are ways you can take action in the larger world.

What I said when my white friend asked for my black opinion on white privilege: This is a longer article, but she shares powerful examples of the insidiousness of privilege. 

Videos:

How to overcome our biases? Walk boldly toward them. TEDx talk by Vernā Myers. An informative and humorous look at how biases are everywhere. 

Who, Me? Biased? This is a powerful short video series on how bias works.

Books:

The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas

This is is a young-adult novel that I read a few years ago. It started a lot of conversations for me around race and the police. 

Sixteen-year-old Starr Carter moves between two worlds: the poor neighborhood where she lives and the fancy suburban prep school she attends. The uneasy balance between these worlds is shattered when Starr witnesses the fatal shooting of her childhood best friend Khalil at the hands of a police officer. Khalil was unarmed.

How to Be An Anti-Racist by Ibram X. Kendi

A New York Times bestseller. A “groundbreaking” (Time) approach to understanding and uprooting racism and inequality in our society—and in ourselves.

Bonus: Ibram X. Kendi was interviewed this week on Brené Brown’s podcast, Unlocking Us.

Podcasts:

The Opt-In Podcast: The Opt-In invites its audience to an intimate, ongoing conversation between a Woman of Color and a white woman who are unpeeling their collective conditioning, exploring ongoing re-education, and stumbling on their traumas and blind spots, all while making more space for love, forgiveness, freedom, and truth. 

Speaking of Racism: A podcast dedicated to frank, honest, and respectful discussions about racism in the US.

I admit, when I first went to buy the books I listed above (and a few others), I filled my cart and then said to myself, “Really? Are you going to read all of these books? Let’s pick one.”

Pick one. Pick one podcast. Pick one link above. Pick one book. AND READ IT. LISTEN TO IT. Then pick one white friend or a couple of white friends and talk about it. 

Find a space where you feel safe to say, “I am ignorant. I have uncomfortable questions. Can you help?” One of the best things I did this week was reach out to a friend of mine, and we agreed to create a shame-free space where we can challenge each other and say things we feel stupid saying. Most importantly, create these spaces with other white people—do not seek safe spaces or require emotional labor, from black people, especially right now. 

Loving Reminder: This is ongoing work. This is work we need to be doing all the time, every day. Checking our biases, noticing our judgments, seeing our shame. Our Monger tells us if we don’t do all the things right now, we are doing it wrong, so the tendency is to go out and buy all the books, save all the links I shared to watch later, and blast social media with all the anti-racist messages you can find. And then, a month from now, the books sit, the links go unread, the podcasts and videos are forgotten, and social media goes back to dogs and selfies. 

This is not a “let’s look at the issue of race and privilege hard this week and then next week go back to life as normal” situation. Our Mongers will tell us we have to do it perfectly or not do it at all. Remember, she loves right and wrong thinking. Do not listen to your Monger. I will do it wrong, and you will do it wrong. We are human; we do things wrong.

There is no right way. But here is my new motto when you make a mistake: Listen, learn, make corrections.

Feel free to reach out to me and share your messy thoughts and feelings. I am actively learning, so if you know of any helpful resources, please send them my way.

Stay safe, my friends.

Being Flawed Means Being Human

When I first started counseling people, I was a fan of simple fixes and actionable strategies, which totally fits the profile of someone with high functioning anxiety. Get in, get it taken care of, get out.

However, the more I do this work with shame, mongers, and high functioning anxiety, the more I am amazed by our complexity as humans. Simple fixes aren’t going to cut it, and man, oh man, we humans just love simple fixes. The ability to flip a switch and make a change is so alluring, but the issues we face both personally and culturally require complex change.

The one thing they both share, the one solution they both need, is admitting we are flawed and recognizing that change doesn’t come from beating ourselves up for those flaws but by owning them and choosing to change them.

One of the reasons I love working with clients through voice messages rather than face to face is that it gives them the space to be a little more honest with me, and therefore, themselves. Those of us with high functioning anxiety always need to please, to do it right, to put our best face forward—and sometimes we get so good at it that we start to fool ourselves.

Our Monger has trained us to think flaws are bad, that doing anything wrong is the worst thing, and how we present ourselves to the world is the most important thing. That leaves us with a lot of well-meaning, kind people who struggle to see their flaws for fear of retribution from their Monger.

I see this happening on a micro level and a macro level. In our day-to-day personal lives, our Monger keeps us trapped in the cycle of push-push-push and “never let them see you sweat.” We don’t want to admit we are overwhelmed, sad, and scared because we interpret that as weak, and we are strong!

There is so much uncertainty in our daily lives, and knowing the next right thing to say or do is hard. When we can notice if we are tired, overwhelmed, or scared, and not criticize ourselves for not being “strong,” we can give ourselves the kindness and grace to keep going.

This also shows up on a macro cultural level in how we deal with injustice and privilege. I have noticed this in my own life. I tell myself that I appreciate all people, that I don’t have any racism or judgment, that I am a kind, loving person. And all of that is true; I do hold those values very highly. And still, I have been steeped in our culture, which has taught us through media, jokes, and passing comments the lie that people of color are less than me.

Even as I write these words, my Monger is screaming, “Don’t say that out loud! What will people think?!”. But it wasn’t until I started noticing that bias and getting honest with my stereotypes and judgments that I could start changing them. I noticed that I have a different reaction to seeing a person of color wearing a hoody and running down our street versus a white person. When I can notice that I am judgemental and not immediately shame myself for it, I can make changes.

This is the power of the Biggest Fan. That voice of kindness and wisdom who can step in and say, “Honey, you are sad and overwhelmed, and that is okay. Those emotions don’t make you weak. They make you human, and humans are strong. What do you need to give to yourself right now?”

She also says to me, “Oh, Sweet pea, you have some biases showing up. Let’s start bringing those out into the light and questioning them.”

Your Monger can’t survive kindness. She can’t argue with the truth that our Biggest Fan lovingly reminds us, “You are human. You are flawed. That’s okay. Let’s pull those biases out and shine some light on them.”

All the Feels

The question I keep getting the most is, "Everyone keeps telling me to allow my feelings, but how am I supposed to do that when I have so many!?"

So true. I hear you. So today, I want to share an exercise that I stole from Randall and Beth from This is Us called Worst Case Scenario.

Rather than facing our deepest fears, grief, or doubts, we often run from them. We try to put them in a box, bury them deep inside, and hustle as fast as we can away from them. Or we try to be positive and talk ourselves out of them. This exercise will help you face what you are most afraid of and deal with it.

I started practicing this exercise almost daily as a way to face my feelings and give myself room to just be with my worst-case scenario. Give it a try and see if it works for you.

1. Find a safe place where you can take 5-10 minutes just to be.

I have done this exercise with my spouse (as Beth and Randall do), walking the dog in the morning when there aren't many people around, in the shower, and journaling in my office.

2. Say out loud or write down what is your worst fear.

My older parents will get this virus, my kids will get it, my partner and I will get divorced because we are fighting all the time, the economy won't recover, and we won't have enough money to pay any of our bills. Really go there to the worst fear.

A couple of cautions here: avoid the temptation to pour positivity or gratitude all over it and pay attention to your energy levels. Sometimes clients who practice this give a litany of worst-case scenarios like listing off their grocery list. Instead, think about what it would look like and feel like if the worst case happened. Open the box you have buried deep inside of you and pull all of that stuff out.

3. Sit with those fears for a minute, feel them in your body, and then call in and name what you can do.

How would you handle it if those fears came true? (e.g., I would go work at the grocery store stocking shelves, I would grieve and cry and gather my support system.) Spend some time walking through each scenario and making a rough plan for how you would handle it.

When we have High Functioning Anxiety, we run like hell away from our feelings and worst-case scenarios, so they are underneath the surface at all times. They never actually stay in the box as we want them to—they tend to bubble up and come out.

Many of my clients are reporting nightmares and insomnia, which is one way they express themselves. I know it sounds counter-intuitive but allowing yourself to face those worst fears will relax your need to push-push-push a bit and give your body some groundedness. Remember, we can do hard things.

Stop Shaming Feelings That Cause High Functioning Anxiety

Earlier last week, I found myself spinning with anxiety. When I am struggling with high functioning anxiety, I try to practice the A.S.K. approach: 

• Acknowledge what you are feeling

• Slow down and get into your body

• Kindly pull back to see the big picture

I kept saying to myself, “Ok, you need to practice A.S.K.,” so I would acknowledge my feelings (“I am feeling sad and overwhelmed”), and then I would move on to slowing down and getting into my body, and then kindly pulling back to see the big picture. And it wasn’t working. I wasn’t getting any relief. No matter how many times I tried it.

At the end of the day, I said to my husband, “I don’t know if this A.S.K. thing works anymore! I have gone through it 50 times today and still feel full of anxiety.” 

I shared with my husband that I was feeling sad about the death of Kobe Bryant because he reminds me of my Dad since my Dad loved him and because he reminded me of my mortality. As soon as I shared what I was feeling and why, I heard my Monger say, “Well, that is stupid. I mean, you didn’t even know Kobe Bryant.”

And then I had an ah-ha, “Wait a minute, have I really acknowledged my feelings, or did I just name them?” So again, I tried to name my feelings, and I had another major ah-ha. This time when I named them, I allowed them. 

I said to myself, “It is just hard to feel sad,” and “I feel silly feeling sad for someone I never met,” and “It’s ok to feel sad. It is what it is.”

Tips to Accept Your Feelings and Reduce Anxiety

Yes, earlier in the day, I was naming my feelings. Yes, I was saying them out loud. But what followed was my Monger saying, ‘Well, that’s not appropriate. That is ridiculous. How can you be feeling that way?!” So I wasn’t actually acknowledging and allowing my feelings; I was saying them and then slamming them down with criticism and judgment.

As a mental health professional and anxiety coach, I even have to revisit my own practices. Here were a few things I learned from this ah-ha.

1. Stop dialing it in. I am now so familiar with the A.S.K process that I almost do it without thinking, and that is not the spirit of A.S.K. Had I been more present during the process, I would have caught my self-shaming much earlier.

2. Deprogramming messages around feelings is tough. We all have messages around feelings (most of them negative), and letting those messages go and making room for new ones is hard and takes time.

3. We are always learning, always spiraling up. This is a process, and we aren’t going to get it perfect the first time around.

4. There is a HUGE difference between labeling and allowing. The spirit of acknowledging your feelings is to make room for them and give yourself some kindness and grace around them. Rather than just labeling them so you can then hammer yourself, give yourself room to allow them.

5. Self-loyalty and kindness are key. What I was missing that day was my own self-loyalty. Over and over, I turned away from myself, criticized my feelings, and shamed myself. When I was able to give a little kindness to myself, things started shifting.

Let's Start a Ban on Unsolicited Advice

I want to start a revolution, a Listening Revolution. It starts with a ban on unsolicited advice.

You know the situation. You have a problem. You are in pain. You are depressed, anxious, insecure, or sad. For example, you are frustrated with your job and looking for another one with no success, leaving you confused about what to do next. So tonight, you are looking forward to meeting a friend for drinks so you can cut loose, have fun, and vent some of your frustration. But halfway through your beer and your vent, your friend starts sharing a story about her job search or offering you tips on what you should be doing.

Do you feel supported? No. 

Do you feel loved? No.

Do you feel annoyed, insulted, and angry? Most likely.

Are there times we need advice? Yes. However, most of the time, we just need someone to listen. We know what we should do, and we might even know what we want to do (but just aren't saying it out loud). But when someone tells us what we should do, it immediately implies that we are handling it wrong. It immediately implies we are doing life wrong. Unsolicited advice isn't supported. Unsolicited advice is there to make the advice-giver feel like they are helping. Unsolicited advice, 90% of the time, makes the receiver feel like crap.

Unsolicited advice is a relationship killer. It shifts the power, and it stops the connection. 

Unsolicited advice might feel like it is coming from a loving place: "I am just trying to help" and "I have been there, so I have the wisdom to share." That may be true. And you might have the best intentions. But when you share your unsolicited advice, you aren't allowing that person to have their journey. You aren't allowing them to struggle, figure it out, learn, and grow. Instead, whether intended or not, you are telling them that you know better by telling them what to do.

So why do so many of us give unsolicited advice? Because it is easy, and we do want to help. Because watching someone else struggle is hard and challenging, especially if we have been there before. But think about your life, when you have been hurting and troubled. What was more helpful: the friend who hugged you and simply said "I love you" or the friend who said, "here's what you should do."

We all get stuck. We don't all move through a transition as fast as we want to. And in these moments, it is the people who have said to me, "I believe in you," and "You will get through this" and "Wow, that must be frustrating," who were the most helpful.

So what can you do?

Join the Unsolicited Advice Ban and catch yourself as you give unsolicited advice. At first, you won't notice it until after the interaction, and then gradually, you will start noticing it during the interaction. Whether you catch yourself before, during, or after, acknowledge it and own it. Then, apologize to the person you tried to "fix." Simply say, "I am sorry. I want to help, and I realize that giving unsolicited advice might not be the best way, so I am just going to listen."

Speak up when someone gives you unsolicited advice. Again, you may not notice until after the interaction, and then gradually, you will start catching yourself sooner. Simply say to your friend as lovingly as possible, "I know you are trying to help and your heart is in the right place, and right now I just need to vent. I just need you to listen" and "When I am ready for advice I will ask for it."

Unsolicited advice isn't evil—it just isn't as helpful as we intend it to be. Together we can stop, listen, and love in a whole new way! Just listen, don't fix, don't give advice, and don't help. Just listen—just support. Just have empathy. Simply say, "Wow, that sucks."

The Myth of Quick Change

We all know that real change is slow. And yet, when change is slow, we beat ourselves up for doing it wrong. The marketing industry has convinced us change is fast, and if you aren’t changing fast, you are doing it wrong.

We KNOW losing weight .5 to 1 lb. a week is healthier and more likely to stay off. And yet, how often do we beat ourselves up for not losing weight faster?

We KNOW getting in shape takes a long time. And yet, when we are out of breath walking up three flights of stairs after only one month of regularly working out, we beat ourselves up.

We KNOW acknowledging our feelings, practicing kindness, and learning new coping skills around our anxiety will take time. And yet, when we don’t do it perfectly in the first month, we beat ourselves up.

The myth of quick-change has derailed so many of my clients. The idea that they are doing it wrong, the change isn’t big enough or fast enough, or worse: they still have anxiety, so they MUST be doing it wrong.

The key to moving beyond the myth of quick change is to recognize the wins.

Having the awareness that you had a ten reaction to a two situation when you came home from a hectic day and yelled at your son for not raking the leaves. Initially, you might not notice it until the next day, and then slowly, slowly over time, you will notice it earlier and earlier:

1. after a few hours.

2. then a few minutes.

3. then you will notice it in the moment.

Each time you notice it—it doesn’t matter if it takes two days or two seconds—stop, celebrate that you noticed it, give yourself some kindness, apologize to your son, and start practicing A.S.K.

As you skip your morning walk to buy Starbucks for the third day in a row, you realize maybe your BFF is running the show. You celebrate that you noticed it, practice A.S.K., and make a plan for doing it differently tomorrow. Maybe morning walks aren’t for you, and you would rather walk in the evening? Or maybe you love morning walks, and you also love Starbucks coffee, so you decide to walk to Starbucks rather than drive. Slowly over time, you will catch your BFF talking sooner.

Quick change is a myth. As humans, we are biologically designed to change slowly. The marketing gurus can’t compete with biology. Tell that to your Monger next time she starts yammering about how slow you are changing, “It’s just biology.”

Ten Reaction to a Two Situation

Whenever I speak about the Happier Approach and High Functioning Anxiety, the idea of a ten reaction to a level two situation gets the most head nods from the audience. Our anxiety/Monger plays in our heads all day long, and we work hard to suppress it, push it down, and ignore it in hopes that it will go away. (F.Y.I., this doesn't work... Trust me, I have tried it and still try it now and then, and it never works. Colossal failure every time.)

The problem is all of that anxiety, and all of that emotional tension has to come out somewhere. So, where does it come out? Usually, on those, you love the most and definitely over something so small that it wouldn't even make the radar on a "normal" day.

For Example:

All day long, your Monger has been flipping out about an upcoming presentation you have. So when you come home and find your son hanging on the couch and playing video games with his friends, food bags everywhere, you LOSE it.

You are obsessing about your upcoming vacation with the in-laws — you are excited about getting away, but you are dreading seeing your sister-in-law, whose favorite pastime is bragging about her kids and one-upping yours. So when your husband asks if you have packed the kids yet, you LOSE it.

You were up half the night worrying about a conversation you had with your boss. Then, when the first thing your daughter asks is, "What's for breakfast?" you yell at her for being rude and selfish.

When you notice yourself having a level ten reaction to a level two situation, it does not mean you should pile on and start telling yourself what a jerk you are. But we all know that is the first thing that will happen.

So the first step is to give yourself some grace. Ask yourself, "Ugh, what is going on? Why am I screaming at my kids, spouse, family?" Remind yourself that this reaction serves as a sign that your Monger/anxiety is looming large. 

Second step: apologize to those you lost it on, explain what is going on, and ask for a do-over. Then do the do-over and handle the situation differently — more calm, kind, and loving.

Our anxiety is so mixed with shame that we often forget to own our behavior fully. We don't want to admit we made a mistake because we know our Monger will eat us alive. Ironically, one of the best ways to quiet the Monger is to own our mistakes, admit when we mess up and ask for a do-over. We make mistakes, and our anxiety gets the best of us, but that's okay because we can do it differently.

The third step is to practice A.S.K. 

As a reminder, A.S.K. is:

1. Acknowledge your feelings.

2. Slow down and move your body.

3. Kindly see the big picture.

A level ten reaction to a level two situation is common among those with High Functioning Anxiety. It is a human reaction to too much negative stimulation. So own your mistake, do a do-over, and practice A.S.K. Give it a try the next time you have a ten reaction to a two situation.

Special Note: I would be remiss if I didn't advise you to never — I repeat, never — tell someone with H.F.A. that you think they might be having a ten reaction to a level two situation, even if it is true. It will not go over well. Instead, ask them how they are feeling or how their day went. Show empathy and be supportive.