Getting a Tune-Up

I love my job watching people grow over time, having clients return, and sharing how they have grown and where they are struggling. My counseling model is one of co-creating. I don't tell clients how many sessions they will need to be 'healed'; I don't give them an exact action plan. While my style is direct, practical, and straightforward, I am a HUGE believer in individual process. So at the end of each session, we decide together how to move forward. Frequently, clients come to me, work through things for a few sessions, and then go out into the world and practice what we are working on. And then months, even years later, they come back to me having spiraled up to a new place on their journey. And so we chat, we work through things, and then they go out into the world to practice what we are working on. I call this the 'tune-up' model. Now and then, we all need a minor tune-up.

I love the tune-up model. The idea that as we grow, we have people that we can come back to, touch base with who know our story, know where we have been, and will hold our hand as we move to the next place. Someone who might be a few steps ahead of us or even miles ahead of us but is willing to go back in their journey and stand with us as we move forward; I am blessed and honored when clients choose me to be that person who helps them continually spiral up.

The place I see my clients and myself get stuck is when we beat ourselves up for needing more help. Because we believe that we should have fixed ourselves, we see a tune-up as a failure. While I believe we can grow, learn, and change, being permanently fixed is highly unlikely. We can find a solution. We can limit anxiety, quiet the Monger and learn how to set boundaries. We can go out into the world feeling excited and refreshed at what we have learned. And then we hit a wall, have to set a different kind of boundary or experience a Monger that knocks us to our knees. That doesn't mean we have failed. That doesn't mean we have gone backward. Instead, we have expanded to the next spiral. We have moved up to the next level, and now we are dealing with what may feel like similar issues that we had before but on a much higher (more complex) level. That place is when we need to reach out for help.

So the next time you hit the wall, and you feel like you have failed and feel like you are learning the same lesson over and over. Remind yourself that you might need a tune-up, a check-in, a helping hand to guide you to the next spiral. Remember, it is all part of the process. It is all part of learning and growing and being your best self.

Taking Stock of Your Carrot

That darn carrot. So many people are running through life, checking things off the to-do list, being 'on-top of things,' looking good, and feeling unfulfilled. Because there dangles that ever-elusive carrot, the holy grail that convinces you if only I could get the carrot, then I would be ok. I just need to keep working for the carrot. But the carrot keeps changing, growing, and unfortunately moving.

The carrot is the college degree, the spouse, the kids, having enough money to be comfortable, having enough money for retirement, sending the kids to college, being happy in your career, getting a vacation home, the carrot list can go on and on and on.

In theory, the carrot can be awesome. It represents the goal. It represents your priorities, what matters most, and the direction you want your life to take. The problem with the carrot is when it doesn't represent anything except the next 'thing.' When you are unclear on what the carrot represents, you are just chasing an imaginary object you might never reach. Again:  When you are unclear on what the carrot represents, you are just chasing an imaginary object you might never reach. It sounds insane, but I know many, many of us (me included) spend time chasing something that we can't even define and don't even know if we want in the first place.

In this society, we are focused on the chase. We forget what or why we are chasing in the first place. We get so used to going after 'the goal' we forget to ask ourselves--do I want this goal in the first place?

So today, I want you to pause from carrot chasing for a moment and ask yourself to define your carrot.

What does success look like to you? Is success a big house, a new car, and being able to eat out every night? Or success having a flexible schedule to spend time with family and friends? Maybe success is having a community of friends who gather and chat about politics, art, and activism? Or success is more education--having a Ph.D.? Success can have a million definitions. But what is success to YOU, not your parents, neighbors, or partner but YOU? Think back to high school and college; how did you envision your life?

How will you know you have 'made it'? What does your life vision look like? In essence, what does your carrot look like? What exactly are you chasing? And do you still want to be chasing it?

The point of these questions is to help you take stock of your carrot and get clear on your goals and priorities. To help you stop just reacting to life, start by getting honest about what you want from your life.

Four Key Components to Change

Change is HARD. It is a process that takes time.

Whether you want to change a habit, attitude, or behavior change takes four things:

1. Awareness

2. Self-Acceptance

3. Curiosity

4. Different Action

Let's say you want to let go of your tendency to control how your husband helps around the house. You desperately need some help, but you have noticed that when he does help, you tend to get frustrated with how and what he did wrong rather than just the fact that he helped (even though it isn't EXACTLY how you would have done it). A kind act on your husband's part to help you inevitably ends up being an argument.

First, you need to get clear and specific on what you want to change. For this example, the goal is to graciously accept your husband's help without being critical about every little thing he does.

We start with step 1: building awareness. Let's say it is Sunday night and your husband offers to help, and you agree. While you finish up the laundry and packing lunches for the next day, he bathes the kids but forgets to brush their teeth, he loads the dishwasher and puts everything in wrong, and when you walk into the kitchen, you realize he failed to sweep the floor, and it is a mess. You immediately start fuming, and before you know it, you are in a full-out battle over the kitchen. You aren't aware that things went south until the following day. Side note: eventually, as you build awareness, the time between things going south and your awareness of them will shrink and shrink until you are aware things are going south AS they are going south.

But for now, it is the morning after, and you look back and think, "Ugh, I did it again." So you put Steps 2, 3, and 4 into place. Step 2 Self Acceptance is one of the essential parts of real change. Real change won't occur if you are 'white knuckling' it, beating yourself up, or doing it for the sake of someone else. You have to want the change, and you have to love yourself through the change process. So in practicing self-acceptance: You DO NOT spin-off on what a terrible, bitter person you are or how unhelpful your husband is. Instead, you pause, take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is a process you are learning, and that takes time. Then come back and practice Step 3: Curiosity. You start asking yourself WHY the conversation went so poorly AND what action you can take to give feedback without it devolving into an argument next time (Step 4).

Yes, I know a big part of you is screaming that it went south because he did it wrong!! But try to dig a little deeper and begin to entertain the idea that it MIGHT be something else. What else is there? Answer the questions below and for each 'yes' answer, develop an action step you can take next time to create some change.

Question: Could your tone have been more appreciative and less critical?

Action: If yes, think about where your tone when south. Why did you get so critical? Were you tired? Were you frustrated already? Or were you mirroring your husband's tone? What steps can you take to prevent that in the future? 

Question: Could it be that he hasn't done it enough to know your preferences, and with better communication, he could learn?

Action: If yes, set aside time with him to do some quick, light-hearted training on how you like things done--Make sure it is a time when you are both relaxed and open to having a fluid conversation. Be prepared that he still might not do it exactly the way you want it done. 

Question: Is it that you have told him 1000 times, and he doesn't listen?

Action: If yes, then it is time to have a conversation with him to help problem solve the issue. There is a bigger problem at play here, and you both need to get to the root of it.

Question: Is it possible that you two have different standards, and you could relax your standards? Yes, the kids need to brush their teeth, but does the dishwasher really have a RIGHT way of being loaded?

Action: If yes, get clear on what you are willing to let go of and what is a MUST HAVE for you and proceed from there. 

So fast forward to the following Sunday, and your husband is once again offering to help. This time you notice as you are talking to him that your voice is short and you are critical. You stop. Breathe. Smile to yourself and get curious and take a different action. Maybe you ask your husband to take a break. Maybe you share that you are struggling with being less critical and want to show up a different way of doing it. Maybe you admit you are tired, and it would be easier to do it yourself for now, but tomorrow night you are doing a mini training.

At the end of the night, your husband helped, and there was no fighting. Time to do a CELEBRATION! That, my friend, is change. Over time you will catch yourself in the moment getting frustrated with him, and you will take a different action well before you have a chance to be overly critical. Sunday nights (hopefully every night of the week) will be full of help from your husband and fewer fights.

No matter what behavior or thought you are trying to change, I guarantee that when you implement awareness, self-acceptance, and curiosity and choose a different action, change occurs over time.

6 Words to Ban from Your Vocabulary

Often in my office, I hear clients report that their Monger says to them,

"Who do you think you are to...

• take a nap."

• speak up for yourself."

• tell the neighbor no when she asks to bring her kids over for the 5th time."

• get a babysitter so you can your husband can have a night out."

• take a walk rather than cook dinner."

• put yourself first, for once."

• find a career you love."

Quite honestly, the list can go on and on. I believe this phrase is one of the most crippling phrases in the Monger's arsenal. This phrase basically keeps you from being your true self. This phrase keeps you stuck in a world of external expectations. I confess this phrase can bring me to my knees. "Who do you think you are to talk to people about living happier?" "Who do you think you are to write this stuff..." The voice is nasty, vicious, and downright mean.

The phrase Who Do You Think You Are? Speaks to our inner child to tell us to stay humble, be modest, don't stand out, and don't demand too much. It speaks to that little girl in us who so badly wanted to fit in and be accepted. And we were told or shown growing up that the best way to be accepted is to stay humble, be modest, don't stand out, and don't demand too much. But what has happened is as we have grown up, we have stayed quiet, remained humble, and not demanded enough. Now here we are as adults full of anxiety, perfectionism, and insecurity.

Here is what we can do:

1. Build awareness. Notice when this phrase starts playing in your head. Just notice it. No judgment. Just awareness.

2. Have Curiosity What causes this voice to get louder? When you do something for yourself? When you put yourself first? When you put yourself out there as an expert? When you speak up? When you show weakness or a strength? Just be aware of any patterns.

3. Get Physical. It isn't enough to just say no to the Monger or to repeat a mantra of love to yourself. You HAVE to do something physical to start re-programming yourself.

Here are some examples I have found to be helpful:

• Walking the Monger to the door (asking you to use some imagination here). When you get to the door, say, "thanks for looking out, but it is ok for me to be whoever I want to be"

• Placing your hands on your heart and lovingly reminding yourself, "Being small doesn't serve me. It is ok to stand up for myself."

• Holding your hand up to your Monger as if to say, "stop, that message is no longer valid."

The important part of step 3 is to do and say what feels best to you. It is helpful to know what the inner critic is getting upset about. So as you get curious in step 2, you might realize that the Monger seems to get riled up when you speak up for yourself or when you admit a weakness. So make sure whatever you say to your Monger fits your theme.

Get creative, experiment a little. You can sing "I am awesome" while dancing a jig in your living room. Whatever helps you disengage from your Monger.

Remember, this is a process. It takes time. Changing the Monger's voices doesn't happen overnight. So be patient with yourself and the process.

Here is the truth: You are a unique, capable, strong, vulnerable, perfectly imperfect person. You are doing the best you can with what you have. THAT is the answer to the Monger's question.

One Decision at a Time

One of the misnomers about counseling/coaching is the idea that we need to be 'fixed' and that with a couple of sessions with me, you can be 'fixed.' First off, there is no fixing necessary. In my younger years, I was constantly looking to be fixed, to be whole. My bookshelves are FULL of self-help resources promising such fixes. What I have grown to learn is that the 'fix' we are looking for happens over time. It happens one decision at a time. Over time as we face different choices, it is what we choose to do with these choices that the 'fixing' comes in.

It is:

• One intentional choice to speak your needs.

• One moment of saying no and not feeling the need to justify, prove or defend.

• One reaction where you choose honesty and truth rather than being passive-aggressive or drama-filled.

These decisions happen when we learn to trust ourselves, to value our needs, to speak up, set boundaries, and say no when we need to.

This decision-making process isn't easy or quick. Putting yourself first, letting go of perfectionism, and choosing not to react to the anxiety are decisions you make one by one every day.

These decisions take awareness intentionality and being present in your daily life.

Scenarios include:

Having a frustrating day and choosing between picking a fight with your spouse or telling him you are frustrated and need 10 minutes, so if he could figure out dinner, that would be great.

Not wanting to have your friend over for a play date because you are tired and choosing between telling her the truth, making up an excuse, so you don't look like a bad mom, or inviting her over anyway and being miserable the whole time.

Meeting your mom for lunch, which you dread because she always wants to spend the entire afternoon with you, and you just don't have the time. Choosing between telling her initially that you need to leave by 1:30 or spending the day throwing passive-aggressive hints as she drags you from shop to shop.

Your kids asked you to play soccer with them in the yard, something you love doing, but you know that your to-do list is ever-growing, and you need to vacuum. Choosing to hang with your kids for the afternoon knowing you can vacuum anytime OR choosing to vacuum and then later being bitter at your husband that you never get to do what you want to do (even though if you are honest with yourself, he REALLY doesn't care about whether or not the house is vacuumed)

We are presented with little decisions every day, and it is our response to these decisions that determine whether we are genuinely living happier. My job as a counselor/coach is to help you get back in touch with you. To help you trust yourself again and get comfortable speaking your needs, lessening your anxiety, and listening to your inner wisdom, one tricky decision at a time.

Why I Hate the Phrase Champagne Problems

Recently my friends have been using the phrase "Champagne Problems" when they chat about the stresses and issues in their lives. According to Urban Dictionary, Champagne Problems means: "Problems, when compared to issues of poverty, natural disasters, and war, are not that big of a deal."

The more I hear this phrase, the more I have an issue with it. On the one hand, I think it is important to recognize that deciding between a job with a higher salary or staying home with the kids is not as drastic as deciding where you will sleep that night after a tornado has obliterated your house. I realize that stressing about getting your to-do list done is not as dire as stressing about your child in the ICU for the 5th time because of a rare cancer diagnosis. So yes, it is good to have perspective and realize that we need to be grateful for our lives, which could be worse. The phrase "champagne problems" allows people to minimize, belittle and basically not deal with their genuine issues.

Let's take Lisa (not a real person). She feels unappreciated in her home, her kids are in school, and she wants more from her life. Recently she and her husband have been arguing moreover 'who does more' and her feeling unappreciated. It appears to be a champagne problem. No one will die today because of it, food is still on the table, and the kids are clothed. So when she takes the risk to share this with a friend, she minimizes it by saying, "it's just a champagne problem" her friend, who might feel similarly in her marriage, laughs and agrees that they have it pretty good. They both go on their way, repeating that their feelings are silly and they are privileged snobs. They just need to get some perspective and be grateful, and all will be well!

Meanwhile, Lisa heads home still feeling unappreciated and lost, but now she tries even harder to push that problem down and hide it under gratitude. The fights continue, and pretty soon, the fighting has chipped away at the foundation of her marriage and herself to the point that she is more lost and more confused. Over time, left unexplored, the so-called champagne problem has turned into a messy divorce and working at a job she hates so she can help support two households.

If we could REPLAY that scenario and have Lisa's friend say:

"It might be a champagne problem, and we are fortunate, but it sucks to be feeling unappreciated and fighting with your husband all the time. My husband and I have been fighting a lot as well, about similar things". "Maybe we should figure out a way to fix this in a real way."

Champagne problems, when ignored and belittled, can become very BIG problems. Champagne problems are not to be ignored. Yes, many of us are privileged. Many of us have pretty good lives, and we still have problems around anxiety, identity, inner critic, what comes next, parenting, career, and relationships. These problems aren't stupid or silly. They are REAL issues that affect our lives in REAL ways every day.

The phrase Champagne Problems reminds us to be grateful for what we DO have. But by being grateful and appreciative, that doesn't mean we don't have problems. It doesn't mean we can't speak up and share our needs, issues, and desires. I believe that this world would be such an amazing place if we all could honestly and openly admit where we are in life, what we are grateful for, and what we are struggling with and work to appreciate and change at the same time.

Is Worry Normal?

Recently a client said to me,

"Why do I worry and stress about everything?" "Is this normal?" "What is wrong with me?"

It is normal; in fact, I would say most women I know these days struggle with worry. Whether worrying about the to-do list, what's for dinner, or how you are raising your kids. Worry has become normalized in our society. So is worry normal? I would say yes, it is natural to worry. The more important questions around worry are:

"Is Worry Healthy? and How is it Serving Me?"

Is Worry Healthy?

A Resounding NO worry can manifest in all kinds of physical responses: headaches, digestive problems, neck pain, fatigue, insomnia, dizziness. It can also manifest by hurting our quality of life, keeping us cut off from our daily lives, keeping us disengaged, and keeping us in a constant state of panic. So on a spiritual, physical, and emotional realm, worry is extremely unhealthy! So why do we keep worrying? That is where question #2 comes in.

How is Worry Serving Me?

It is complicated. This question is getting at the why of the worry. It allows you to see the flip side. Anything you do that is ultimately unhealthy is "giving to" you in some way. Eating the donut tastes good and gives an initial sugar rush. Smoking cigarettes gives a rush of nicotine. For every unhealthy habit, there is a good side and a bad side. 

There is the myth and the reality:

Myth #1: Control. Worry gives us the illusion of control. The unconscious belief is, "If I worry about who will take care of my kids if I die, then I won't die before they are 18" "If I worry about if one of my kids will get cancer, then they won't get cancer."

Reality: I am ultimately not in control. Life is, for the most part, out of my control. And learning to live with that is HARD.

Myth#2: Taking Action. Worry makes us feel like we are DOING something. We might not be able to protect our kids 100% of the time, but if we are worrying about them, we are DOING something to protect them.

Reality: Frequently, there is nothing we can do. Worry won't keep our loved ones with cancer alive. Worry won't make your parenting skills perfect. Worry won't keep everyone safe and protected. Worry is not an action. It has no results. Worry is an absolute waste of time.

Myth #3: The Energizer Bunny Worry makes us FEEL empowered and energized. We get more done when we worry because we are in fight or flight mode. So we feel like we are getting more done.

Reality:  That energy is usually so frantic we don't do anything WELL. We might get a lot done, but we are often disengaged, disconnected, and completely discombobulated. It is no way to live.

Honestly, when you can get to the heart of the myths, you can catch yourself in these 'lies,' and you can remind yourself. Worry is a totally useless action.

Kicking your Inner Critic to the Curb

Monger is my name for the inner critic, the negative voice in your head that tells you how awful you are and how much you basically suck. When we develop a conscious practice of healing our inner critics, we can radically change our lives.

The challenge of Monger is that we get comfortable with her. We get so comfortable we don't even know that she is talking. We don't even realize that slowly, over time, she is chipping away at our self-esteem. We assume that voice is our own, and we swallow it hook line and sinker. Therefore the challenge to dealing with the Monger is to separate her voice from your wise voice. What is the wise voice, you ask? I believe we all have a wise voice, a soft, gentle whisper of a thing that is patiently and quietly telling us how gifted and talented we are—unfortunately, the louder, more persistent Monger voice tones this voice out. But when you get quiet and listen, you can hear that calm loving voice saying, "you got this, you are doing fine; keep going."

I wanted to share a personal story from my recent post about how my Monger came out to play and how I dealt with her. As you know, recently I had surgery. My body image has never been stellar, but being inactive and feeling not 100%, my body image has taken a beating in recovery mode. If I wasn't going anywhere, I had a tough time getting out of 'my uniform' of yoga pants and a t-shirt. There is nothing wrong with yoga pants, but when they become a symbol of how much you hate your body, it is an issue.

Once I realized that I was entering this downward spiral of body image hell, I started paying attention to what I was saying to myself, and wow, it was cruel. Then I started listening to what that voice sounded like, looked like, and over time I completely personified her. I called her Joan. Joan wears a tracksuit, she is very fit and skinny, and she only values fit and skinny. Joan doesn't tolerate being overweight; no matter the excuse, Joan thinks it is weak and pathetic and isn't afraid to use some pretty nasty tactics to get that message across. Over the next few days, I started noticing how often Joan was there. Let me tell you, Joan was there A LOT in the bathroom after my shower, as I was getting ready for bed, anytime I changed my clothes or looked for something to wear. Joan was just chatting away about how awful I looked and how lazy I was (I told you, Joan is pretty nasty)

Over time I noticed when Joan would show up, and I would quietly tell her to step aside. I would put my hands over my heart and ask to hear from my Biggest Fan. I would patiently listen for my wise voice to say, "you are beautiful, just as you are." Sometimes I had to stand there for 5 minutes, sometimes for 30 seconds, but inevitably the more I asked Joan to step aside, the more my Biggest Fan stepped forward. After practicing this for the past few weeks, Joan's voice has become smaller and smaller. And I have gotten better at recognizing her. So now, when she pipes up, I know what to do.

Putting a face on your Monger and giving them an identity outside of yourself will radically minimize your inner critics.

When Empathy Becomes Responsibility

Empathy is a tremendous strength.

Merriam-Webster defines empathy as: The action of being sensitive to and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.

The ability to be empathetic is a gift. It allows you to understand where someone is coming from and offer support and encouragement.

For those of us with a strong empathetic trait, we can usually

• sense what someone needs before they can say it,

• see the other side of the story,

• we find it easy to step in and help

We make great friends and partners because we tend to know when to step in, and we are really, really helpful.

Where highly empathetic people run into trouble is when they turn empathy into responsibility.

Responsibility, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is:

 having the duty to take care of something for someone.

When 3 of the primary empathetic traits all work together, they combine to make the Responsibility Trifecta:

These traits are:

1. Empathy for the other person, therefore, a strong desire to be helpful.

2. Justifying any behavior (even destructive behaviors)

3. Putting your priorities last.

When these three traits combine, empathetic folks move from being understanding and sensitive to ditching their priorities and needs so they can take accountability and responsibility for someone else.

Recently a friend of mine shared her struggle with this idea. She works as a full-time teacher and has three kids under 12. There tend to be two groups of teachers at her school: those that are young, having babies, and those that are nearing retirement. Recently, many other younger teachers have started having babies, and one of the traditions is to prepare meals for them. My friend loves this idea; she remembers how much it meant to her to get these meals when she had her kids, and she empathizes with new mothers. Those nearing retirement are willing to participate in the meal program but only half-heartedly. Even though they appreciated it when they got meals, the new moms are too overwhelmed to participate.

So Susan has become the primary champion of the meal program--she has found herself self-running the whole program and cooking 2-3 meals a week for the new moms to pick up the teachers' slack. She said to me, "I barely have enough energy to cook for my family now, and that is where I want to be spending my energy." When I asked her why she didn't stop, she said, "Those first couple of weeks are so hard and having meals is so helpful." To which I asked, "Why do you have to be the one to do it all? I am sure these women have other friends and family who can make meals. It sounds like this tradition has run its course at your school, and it is time for one of the new moms to pick up the slack or for it to die."

Susan had completed the Responsibility Trifecta:

1. She wanted to help these new moms; she remembered what it felt like to be a new mom.

2. She could justify why it was ok that every other teacher didn't help out. She could explain away their behaviors.

3. Her own family's meals were pushed to the very last.

Susan had found herself responsible for the entire program.

Last week, Susan informed me that she announced to the teachers that she was stepping down from being in charge of meals; someone else could lead the program, or they could let it die down until someone had more time. Susan got a little flack and a bit of pushback, but she held her ground. And kept repeating to herself, "I am not responsible for these new mothers; they have other resources, I can be empathetic AND have to keep my priorities." Susan was excited to have her evenings back and be able to cook for her family again.

Empathy is awesome!! But when empathy becomes a responsibility, it leaves us drained and exhausted.

My Life is Blessed. Why do I Feel so Anxious?

About ten years ago, I was sitting on the porch of my brand new house with my now-husband (then really close friend) having one of our late-night chats. I remember crying uncontrollably and saying, "I look like I have it all. Why do I feel so anxious?" At the time, I was working a great job making decent money. I had just bought a house in a nice neighborhood, had recently bought a new car, and had even lost those pesky 30lbs that tend to haunt me. I was doing 'good' from the outside, anyway. But inside, I was exhausted and anxious all the time. I was always looking for the 'next thing.' Always thinking if I went to the 'cool' event, hung out with the 'fun' people, or had the 'right' job, then I would be happy. I was running from event to event, and I just felt anxious. I may have looked like a 30-year-old who had her '&*%' together, but in reality, I was a mess. I was a chameleon trying to fit in with everyone else and be what I thought they wanted me to be.

I felt like I had video cameras in my house and that someday I would be found out that I wasn't a hip, popular extrovert who had everything together. In reality, I was a quiet introvert who was filled with anxiety and wasn't doing anything 'right'. I had bought the idea that if I do what everyone tells me to do and check off all the 'right' tasks, THEN I would be happy.

Eventually, after a couple of panic attacks and a few too many crying jags, I decided to seek help. Fortunately, I found a therapist who helped me figure out what I wanted for my life and how to notice when I stop listening to my own voice. I realized that no matter how many items I checked off the list, I would always search for the next item. I needed to stop running and start looking at my face in the mirror. My lovely, anxiety-ridden face and learn how to love and appreciate it. I learned to implement daily practices to diminish my anxiety and get off the 'to do' list train.

We are told from a young age to check off the boxes:

• Go to College

• Get a Job

• Move up and make good money

• Get Married

• Buy a nice house

• Buy a snazzy car

• Have a child

• Be a good parent

• Have another child

• Buy a bigger house

• Have lots of friends

No one tells us:

• The checkmarks never end--we can be checking things off the 'should' list for the rest of our lives

• That all those checkmarks, while significant, meaningful, and worthwhile, aren't always enough.

Here's the truth:

It is ok that you have checked everything off the list and that you still feel anxious. It is ok that you are tired of living by the list. Because once you admit that you feel anxious, change can occur. Once you admit, "I did everything 'they' told me to do, and I am still searching." You can start searching internally. You can take all that great stuff you have accomplished and add to it. You don't have to live your life as a chameleon. You can reduce the feeling of being 'found out and start embracing who you are.

Anxiety does not have to rule your life. Life can look beautiful inside and out.

How we Ignore our Biggest Fan

 Yesterday I got a haircut--a cute short, sassy blonde do. I have not had hair short in years, so this is quite the change for me. Before I left for the salon, my husband said, "Are you sure?" and I said, "Yep, I am ready. I am excited I am ready for a new do". And I was, I felt it in my bones, I was SURE. After all, was said and done, and my hairstylist said "ta-da," I thought, yep, I LOVE it just like I knew I would.

Do you know those decisions you make that are just gut decisions? When the answer is a complete YES? Those are the decisions you know will work out. You know they will be ok--no matter how dramatic, no matter how much change they involve, when you are ready, you are ready. And then there are those decisions that we make that we say YES, but there is a small voice inside that says no, not now, not this one, there is another reason you are doing this. The key is listening to that little voice—the times in my life when I haven't have been trouble.

I remember shopping for my wedding dress. I did not have magical, fairy tale ideas about wedding dress shopping. I was not looking forward to it at all. My nearest and dearest and I got married in my parent's backyard. It was a low-key, beautiful, casual celebration--so the traditional gown was not going to work--but I didn't have a vision for what I wanted (Mistake #1). But a friend convinced me to go to one of those large wedding gown shops where you get a consultant, you try on 50 dresses, and they oh and ah over each one you try on. The only goal I had for that day was that we would walk out of that shop with a dress--I was NOT going through this shopping event again. And we did.

After the 6th or 7th dress, I found one I liked. Liked, not loved. It was a traditional, satiny, beaded, non-descript wedding dress. But as I stood there in all my glory and all the ladies were "oohing and aahing" I said yes. (Mistake #2) Even though I had heard 'oh, you just KNOW when it is the one,' I convinced myself that that was just urban legend and that I just wasn't a wedding dress girl. So I didn't listen to the little voice saying, "nope, this isn't it," because I told myself that it just wouldn't happen for me and I need to suck it up (Mistake #3), and I put down a deposit.

Not 3 hours later, as I sat on my couch thinking, "Maybe, that wasn't the dress," I started searching online, and I found the perfect dress. Beautiful lace-fitted dress for less than 1/2 of the price of the other one. I ordered it, telling myself that I could ship it back if I didn't like it. Weeks later, I received it in the mail, and I tried on the dress, and it was PERFECT--every part of me screamed YES. I showed it to my friend, and she too screamed YES! Even though she told me later, she wanted to hate it because she liked the other one so much, but it was so perfect she had to say yes. To this day, I look at that dress and smile.

So Let's Review the Common 'Ignoring Our Internal Voice' Mistakes.

Mistake #1 No Vision: You have to have a vision: you have to know what you want, know what you stand for, know what is important to you. Even if it has gotten buried there after years of neglect and maybe outright ignoring it, you have to know your vision, which is why I got my haircut. My vision was to do something radical, shift things up and give myself a good kick in the pants. So I researched haircuts, factored in my hair type and what had and hadn't worked in the past, and made a plan.

Mistake #2 Listening too Much to Others: It is so easy to get sucked into the opinions of others. When everyone was telling me how great I looked in my dress, it was easy to ignore the voice in my head saying, "but you didn't want a traditional dress"; "I thought you wanted lace"; "is this going to send the vibe of a casual wedding?" Taking in too much external feedback always drowns out our inner voice. I know from experience, this is a real problem for me. Before I got my haircut, I only told my nearest and dearest because I didn't want to hear any voices swaying me.

Mistake #3 Assuming you are Wrong:  So often, we shut out our voice immediately because we just assume we are wrong. We assume we don't know, can't have it, or are just plain ignorant. Our inner voice is a place of wisdom. The wisdom it shares might not happen in our timeline. (No matter how much I wanted to, I wasn't going to find my dress in that shop that day.) We have to trust it. We have to trust ourselves.

Clearly Speaking Your Needs

Truth #1: Your needs DO matter. In fact, in my opinion, your needs are one of the most important things in your life. When you know what you value and know what you need, you can richly engage in your life. You no longer become chained to your to-do list or stuck in worry or doubt because you KNOW what is most important to you. 

Truth #2: Basic human nature is to only think about ourselves. So other people, in general, are too busy thinking about their needs to worry about yours. In other words, if you aren't looking out for your needs, probably no one else is. Your needs ARE NOT a priority for other people.

Truth #3:  When you swallow, ignore, belittle your needs, it makes it even harder for people to remember, think about, or acknowledge them. Over time the more you don't speak up, the fewer people will think about what you might need.

Truth #4:  Women generally tend to be so good at looking out for other people's needs that we forget our own.

Truth #5: The ONLY way your needs will be heard/met/satisfied if:

A. You know what they are

B. You speak them clearly.

Here are some tips for Clearly Speaking Your Needs:

YOU NEED: You want your husband to help with the kids in the morning.

Timing: In the middle of the morning rush with the kids is not the time to mention the need. You are already stressed, and your husband will feel it came out of left field. (Remember, he most likely hasn't been thinking about your needs.) Instead, pick a time when you are both calm and relaxed to share that need.

Specifics: Ask yourself what do I REALLY, REALLY NEED? Get as specific as possible. What do I want my husband to do? Make breakfast? Pack lunches? Get the kids dressed? The more specific you can get on what you need, the better you will feel and the more direction he will have to 'hit' the need.

Tone: Speaking a need isn't a demand. It is a desire, a request, a potential negotiation. So be aware of how you are sharing the need. Just because you NEED it doesn't mean someone else will make it happen. The more you can share what you need, the closer you will get to achieving it. Pay attention to how you ask and how open you are to negotiating the need.

Patience:  Remember, your husband sees the world entirely differently than you. He has his perceptions, needs, ideas, thoughts. So your need may be hitting him from out of left field no matter how specific you are. Respect those differences and remember they are ok. Also, if you haven't expressed a need in a while, having a spoken need may be a new concept for him, so be patient and keep trying!!

These tips work with co-workers, friends, not just your intimate relationships. We all need to get better about paying attention to our own AND other people's needs.

Danger Signs that Resentment is Hiding under your Acceptance.

Here's a scenario:

You are dropping the kids off at school. A fellow Mom runs up to ask you if you would be able to pick her kids up and watch them later that day. "My babysitter canceled last minute. Can you help?"

Immediately, you think. "No, I have errands to run and work to catch up on, and this is the 3rd time this month you have asked for this same favor."

But then suddenly, as if possessed, you hear yourself saying: "No problem," "I can handle it," 'I would be happy to help," "I got it, don't worry about it."

How often do these phrases come out of your mouth? How often are they followed with the thought of Ugh! Here we go again. Why does it always fall on me? 

We all want to be agreeable, helpful, and pleasant. But too often, our acceptance builds into resentment, and we end up paying the price in anxiety, anger, and exhaustion.

6 Danger Signs that Resentment is hiding under your Acceptance:

Inner Dialogue War:  You walk away from the situation with an inner war going on. Half of you is bitter and angry that you didn't step up and say no. Half of you is berating yourself for being so selfish and not wanting to be there for another mother. These two halves spend much of the day warring without any conclusion.

Short Tempered: As you get back in the car, your husband calls, and you pick a fight about whose job it is to make dinner. Because your plans just got destroyed, you immediately take it out on him that he is not helpful enough.

Gossip/Passive Aggressive: While you agree to watch her kids, you find yourself talking about her to the other mothers at school or making digs at her to your husband. Or maybe even taking it out on her kids. Again, when we aren't saying what we mean, it oozes out in other places.

Increased Anxiety:  When we aren't listening to ourselves and speaking up, our anxiety can go through the roof. First, you already had your day planned--now you have to reschedule your life, rearranging priorities and needs. Secondly, when you aren't speaking up for yourself, resentment increases which causes our anxiety to skyrocket.

Exhausted:  You find yourself exhausted by the end of the day. Yes, you are busy and over-worked. However, when we aren't living congruently, we say Yes when we want to say No. It is draining. This incongruency takes its toll leaving us tired, defeated, and disengaged. Not to mention the toll of putting other's needs first ahead of our priorities and errands--therefore leaving us having to scramble last minute.

Confusion-why don't they get it?: This is the number one sign of resentment--utter confusion of why don't they get it? Sometimes we think we are sending signals that we don't want to do something while the words "yes" are coming out of our mouths. But usually, those signals are so small and minute that they are barely noticeable. They don't get it because you aren't SAYING it. Bottom line: If you aren't looking out for your needs and priorities, no one else will.

Recognizing that resentment is showing up in your life is the first step. Building awareness around WHEN and WITH WHOM you tend to say yes when you mean no is the next. And slowly learning how to speak your needs, stand up for yourself and say NO consistently is the next. 

Your To-Do List Doesn’t Measure your Self Worth

It is warm and sunny here and, all I want to do is hang out. I have been running from thing to thing most of the day, and if I am honest, I haven't accomplished anything on my to-do list. I was just getting ready to grab my latest novel and sit out on the porch, and then I heard my internal voice go off. I told myself, "AT LEAST write in your blog, then you will feel like you accomplished something, then you will feel good about yourself" And then I caught myself, caught my internal messages. REALLY?!? I will feel good about myself when I accomplish something! Will I? Or will I just add to the list of more things I need to do to feel good about myself? 

It is annoying. No matter how much I know and have internalized the message that I am lovable, worthy, valuable period. I still have the underlying message of you will be good enough when ________. So I decided to go back through my day and think about all the messages that just happened today.

I will feel good enough when:

the kitchen is clean,

I make a million dollars,

the house is free of dog hair (which is never going to happen even if I vacuumed every hour)

I have watched everything on my DVR

I have checked off everything on my work to-do list

I finish the book my mom lent me two weeks ago

I eat healthier and treat my body better.

And that, my friends, is just what I can remember from today. Who knows how many other messages I didn't acknowledge. How many messages have YOU heard today?

These messages are prevalent. We are fighting an uphill battle trying to win out over our Monger. But the key, as I see it continues, to be awareness that she is lurking there. That pesky little voice tells me I will be enough only WHEN I accomplish something. The truth is this voice can be motivating. She can inspire me to get up off the couch and write, vacuum, or return a phone call. But the damage comes when we get stuck in the belief "I will be good enough when." Bottom line, I am good enough no matter what, even if I gave myself the rest of the day off to hang on the porch and read. AND at the end of the day, I will probably feel better if I accomplish a few things on my to-do list. However, neither option has anything to do with my self-worth. They are just options, choices in how I spend my time. Because the list will always be there, a free evening to hang with my dog reading a good book in the sun won't always--guess I made my choice.

Letting Go of Perfection

I am a recovering perfectionist. I remember struggling with it as a child, and I am always working with it today as an adult. Fortunately, over the years, I have eased my perfectionist tendencies, and rather than being an everyday occurrence, they tend only to come out and play when I am stressed or anxious.

Perfectionism is the belief "that if I only am enough, I will make no mistakes. This striving for perfectionism allows us to do things we wouldn't normally do, work harder, do better. However, rationally we all know perfection doesn't exist. When we forget that perfection isn't possible, striving for perfection becomes unhealthy and downright debilitating. The danger of perfectionism is that it serves as a barrier not only from those around us but from our intuitive selves. By holding on to the belief that we CAN do it perfectly, we continually strive for something that doesn't exist. In an attempt to drive towards an impossible goal, we can alienate ourselves and our loved ones.

Below are some of the things we say to ourselves as perfectionists and tips for changing those thoughts/behaviors.

"I can do it better" "If only I work harder, I will achieve perfection": This is a never-ending cycle because if what we are after doesn't exist, it doesn't matter how hard we work. Now the positive of this belief is that we are constantly striving for more. We are challenging ourselves to grow and become stronger, more whole human beings. The problem with this belief is we don't celebrate our wins. We don't enjoy the times when we reach a goal or hit a milestone. Instead, we keep plowing ahead for that ever-elusive perfection.

Tip: Recognize when you have hit a milestone or goal, even if it wasn't perfect. Throw frequent mini celebrations for trying or doing a great job even if it wasn't perfect.

"If I had more time, it would be better" This one belief is why a lot of perfectionists tend to be procrastinators. Because the reason the paper or project isn't perfect isn't that we failed but because we ran out of time. This belief is extremely tricky to change because we aren't aware that we are procrastinating out of fear of perfectionism.

Tip: If you are a procrastinator, get honest as to why. If you are a chronic procrastinator and a perfectionist, chances are they are linked. Next time you have a project due, challenge yourself not to procrastinate, try to sit in the uncomfortableness of potentially not getting it done perfectly, AND not having the timing to blame it on.

"If I do it perfectly, I won't be disappointed" This is another one of those sneaky, hard to see unconscious beliefs. But somewhere, we believe that being perfect will protect us from pain. As if perfection gives us an invisible shield against hurt and disappointment. We tell ourselves if we achieve perfection, then everything will be ok.

Tip: This belief keeps us from really engaging in life. The truth is you will never be perfect, and therefore you will never be enough. Start building awareness of how often you think to yourself if only I were skinnier, cuter, or smarter. Each time you hear yourself saying this take a deep breath and remind yourself, "I am ok as I am. I am imperfect and lovable". Then physically give yourself a hug, smile at yourself in the mirror, do a dance or give yourself a high five. The combination of changing the words in your head AND moving your body will slowly release the hold of perfectionism.

Perfectionism can lessen, and it doesn't have to be the never-ending carrot chasing that it feels like.

Setting Boundaries with Compassion

Setting boundaries is challenging and confusing. We are taught to have curiosity about other people and be compassionate about what they are dealing with, so how can we then set a boundary that feels so cold and mean. So I want to clear up some confusion about boundaries.

Boundaries are part of a healthy relationship. When we can define where we end, and another person begins, that is healthy. Boundaries help us teach other people how to treat us. They let others know when we are angry, sad or pushed too far. When we can communicate our boundaries and let others know they have crossed them, we can make fundamental changes in a relationship. Too often, we are taught that saying no, making a request, speaking a need means we are selfish, needy, or disrespectful. But in reality, how can someone ever really get to know you if they don't know where your edges are, what makes you hurt, and what your needs are. Boundaries allow us to fully show up as humans, which naturally allows a healthy relationship to grow.

You can be curious about someone's behavior AND set a boundary. Your friend is always running late; sometimes it is 5 minutes, sometimes it is 30 minutes. But you can always count on him to be late. For the most part, this behavior doesn't bother you, but there are times when you are left sitting at a restaurant, or you missed the beginning of a movie because he was late. So you might have some curiosity around this behavior, and you might even come to understand that he just can't help it. He gets caught up in activities and loses track of time. Even though you know this about him, you understand this about him, and you have compassion for him; you also know that this behavior annoys you.

In all honesty, this behavior DRIVE YOU CRAZY. And that, my friend, is valid. You have every right to express that he drives you crazy being late and draw a boundary around it. So the conversation can go like this. You can say, "Hey Fred, I know you have a problem with running late. I get it you get caught up in doing stuff, and you lose track of time. But last week, when we missed the first 30 minutes of the movie, I was annoyed. So from now on, if you are late by more than 10 minutes, I am moving on without you." Boundary set. Fred can respond however he wants to. The chances are that Fred gets it and will want to change the behavior. But you have lovingly set the boundary.

You don't always have to explain the boundary. Sometimes it is necessary to set a boundary, but you don't always have to explain what you are doing. This is handy with people who aren't open to your feedback or relationships that aren't as close. For example, you have a co-worker, Mindy, who loves to play the victim role, and whenever you see her, she goes on and on about how terrible her life is and yet, takes no responsibility for it. She always asks you to go to happy hour and inevitably spends 3 hours talking about her miserable life her life, and it just leaves you drained.

If you choose, you can have a conversation with Mindy about this behavior, but the chances are that Mindy won't be able to hear you, and because she is a co-worker, you need to be able to work with her without animosity. So you can set a boundary without having an explanatory conversation. You can decide that you will only go out with her over the lunch hour because the time will be limited. Or you are only going to lunch with her if you can get other co-workers to go too. There are many creative ways you can limit your contact with her by setting a boundary without sitting her down and explaining the boundary. Chances are, if you said to her, "Mindy, I get you have a crappy life, and it is just hard to spend time with you because all you do is complain." Mindy won't be able to hear you and won't be able to change.

Boundaries are a healthy part of life and are a definite challenge to set. As you practice setting them, they can get easier.

The Why Doesn't Always Matter

 One of my favorite concepts is curiosity. I fully and wholeheartedly believe the world doesn't have enough curiosity about behaviors, thoughts, emotions, and other people. We are too filled with judgment, shame, or guilt, and we miss the essential element of just being curious. Curiosity is an amazingly freeing concept.

HOWEVER, and this is where I am branching a bit. Sometimes rather than being a freeing concept, curiosity can become a practice of justifying and judgment. I notice it a lot with myself and my clients, who have the habit of justifying their stress.

Let's take Mindy.

Mindy wakes up feeling stressed, and she immediately gets curious--why am I feeling this way today. And she precedes to list of all the possible contributors:

I have a big meeting tomorrow, and I am worried about it;

my husband and I argued last night;

I wasn't as present to the kids as I should have been;

lately, I have done a lousy job of work-life balance.

Mindy does an excellent job of being curious. Obviously, Mindy has a lot of reasons to be stressed. It is in the next phase that things get sticky. Mindy does one of two things.

1. She starts beating herself up because she doesn't have that much on her plate. She has 'privilege people problems,' and she should be more grateful. OR

2. She takes the worry about her work meeting and her shame in being a lousy wife and mother and heads out the door feeling worse than she did when she woke up.

The critical part missing in Mindy's curiosity about her stress is her curiosity about giving back to herself. The curiosity around the question "why am I stressed?" is an exercise not of justification but awareness. It isn't a test to see "is my life worthy of this feeling" but rather an acknowledgment of the feeling and the factors that might be contributing to it. Mindy missed the critical part of following her stress litany with a pause, a few deep breaths, and then getting curious about what might help her ease her stress—asking herself what can I add into my life today that will give me some self-love, that will fill up my bucket again. No judgment, no shame, just acceptance.

The second step gets missed quite frequently (I am guilty of it myself). So last week, I decided to practice skipping the first step, skipping the why. I woke up and felt stressed, and I didn't go into my standard litany (similar to Mindy's). I didn't have any curiosity about what was behind the stress. I just noticed the stress. I took a couple of deep breaths, put my hands on my heart, and kept repeating to myself, "You are ok right where you are." Then after a few moments, I thought, what can I do to ease the stress? Make a cup of tea, go for a walk, call a friend, etc. 

I practiced giving myself acceptance where I was and curiosity if there was an action I could take. And I felt better. It was amazingly freeing not to get stuck in justification to not go through the why.

So if you are someone who knows, you get stuck in the why, and rather than experiencing freedom, you are experiencing shame or guilt. Try skipping the why and moving right to acceptance.

Constructively Acknowledging Anger

 Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions. We don't know how to acknowledge our anger constructively, so we tend to have two reactions to anger; both are inappropriate.

Stuff it: I remember a client from a few years ago. She just found out her husband had cheated on her. After she had told me the story, filled with sacrifices she had made and many ways he had treated her poorly, I asked how she felt hearing the story. And she replied, "I am just hurt." "Hurt, I said, that is understandable." "I, for one, am pretty angry," and she looked at me, completely startled. "Angry?" she asked. And I said, "yes, in hearing this story, I am angry at your husband for treating you this way" She immediately started crying and, in a small, meek voice, said, "me too, I am just not comfortable saying it." We spent a large chunk of our time together, helping her learn how to feel and express anger in a healthy way—learning how to find her voice. Speak up for herself. Recognize what anger felt like and how to share it in healthy, productive ways.

Share it: Or maybe you are ok with your anger. A former client of mine was very comfortable with her anger. She would yell at her kids, belittle her husband and tell anyone she knew how she felt about them. She didn't enjoy expressing herself in this way, but she had vowed to herself after watching her mother be so meek and mild to her father that she wasn't going to walk through life without expressing herself. She and I spent much of our time together working on healthy ways to express her anger and figuring out what was at the root of her anger. Frequently what we THINK we are angry about is merely a trigger to what is happening in the present moment. We might be yelling at our child for missing the bus, but really we are frustrated because we are feeling like less of a parent by them missing the bus. There are several inappropriate ways of expressing anger: Passive-aggressive, talking behind someone's back, yelling at someone, hitting someone, or belittling someone.

How to deal with anger productively

Express it. If you are filled with rage, let it out. Throw dishes, throw eggs, hit a pillow, scream at the sky, write a nasty letter, turn up the music and dance your ass off. Do something physical that is not directed toward another person to release it from your body.

Share it calmly. Share it with a friend, partner, or loved one. This can help you get to the cause of the anger, the source. It is important to do this after you have expressed it. If during the conversation you realize that you are taking the anger out on the person you are talking to--repeat step 1.

Take steps to heal it.  If it is an unexpressed need, express the need and work toward getting it filled. If it is an injustice, share the injustice and work to resolve it. If it is a shame trigger, work to heal your past. Take productive action.

Anger doesn't need to be feared. Anger is a healthy, everyday part of life. Anger shows us when we are feeling wronged, and when we express it productively, we can change ourselves and the world.

Perfection and Doubt: Meet Your Monger

One thing I am constantly working with clients on is building awareness. Building awareness means you are creating consciousness around what you are thinking, feeling, and needing. We spend much of our life unconsciously, allowing our fears, shame, and doubt to plague us unnecessarily.

Here is a scenario:

You wake up feeling pretty good, get showered, wake the kids, and the day is humming along smoothly. Then your youngest tells you that he is in charge of bringing a treat for the Valentine's Day celebration at school. No worries, you think, I can easily pick something up at the store. And then he says, "And I really want you to make my favorite sugar cookies because I want to share them in class." Immediately your mood shifts. It is so subtle you might not even be aware of it. But suddenly, things have moved from smooth sailing to a very bumpy ride. Your stomach hurts, your chest gets tight, and you are cycling down the hole of shame before you know it.

Logically you know you aren't a terrible mother because this one time, your youngest might be disappointed. Logically, you know there are many ways to solve this problem where he would be less disappointed. Logically you know cookies do not make a MOM. But logic is pointless because emotionally, you think, "I am a terrible mother," I take on too much," I can't even be there for my kids," blah, blah, blah. Welcome to Perfect Patty.

Or this one:

You walk into work feeling good. Your current project has been a little bumpy, but you feel on top of things now and know all will be well. As you pass your boss's office, he calls you in. A little nervous, you sit down as he tells you that you will be leading the project meeting later that morning. You will provide a progress report at the meeting and explain why the project is so far behind. You smile confidently and walk out of the office. As you walk down the hall, you feel your neck tense, you have a pain in the pit of your stomach, and you immediately start freaking out.

Logically, you know you can do this presentation. Yes, there were bumps, but they are all explainable and solved. Logically, you know that no one cares as long as the project keeps moving along and you hit the deadline. But logic is pointless because emotionally, you think, "I am a terrible project manager. I am going to suck at this presentation, they are going to nail me to the wall, and I am going to get fired right on the spot." "I should never have gotten out of bed this morning. Welcome to Scared Sally.

Perfect Patty and Scared Sally are just two examples of the voices of our Monger that plague us every day. She is the illogical part our ourselves, the emotional, shame-based part that consistently spreads her message of fear, perfectionism, and shame. Perfect Patty and Scared Sally win because we don't have an awareness that they are playing there. They spin out of control, unconsciously playing there over and over until we are so beaten down we don't know what to do about them.

So the trick is to build awareness by asking yourself these three questions:

1. What does it feel like physically when my Monger shows up? (eg. tightness in the chest, upset stomach, headache)

2. What does my Monger tend to talk about--what are his/her themes? (e.g., perfectionism, fear, shame)

3. How would I describe my Monger? What does it look like? Talk like? What would I name him/her?

As you start to build awareness of your Monger, you can recognize more quickly when he/she shows up. In both of the scenarios above, you were okay, you were having a great day, and then something negative happened that triggered shame, doubt, or fear (all normal emotions), and then your Monger went to town. That is the pivotal moment between the trigger and when the Monger appears and starts yapping. The quicker you can narrow that time between the trigger and the Monger yapping, the easier it is to move past your Monger.

This is the very beginning stages of facing your Monger. It is also the most important. Building awareness around your Monger will allow you to start to take back control of your thoughts, feelings, and needs.

You can check out these posts for more information about the Monger.

Dealing with Negative Self-Talk Part 1: Building Awareness

Dealing with Negative Self-Talk Part 2: Welcoming

The Myth of Living Happier

If I had a dollar for the number of times I have a client or a friend, or yes, even myself says, "I shouldn't be feeling this way. I SHOULD be living happier." I could be a rich woman. I call this the Myth of Living Happier: “If am living happier than I won't feel any pain, doubt, or insecurity. I will process loss and tragedy at superhuman speed, and I will always feel blissful and light.”

 Pardon my language, but I am here to call bullshit on this myth. Let's blow it up and toss it to the wind. Let's destroy this unattainable concept of happiness and being happier.

One of my foundational beliefs in Living Happier is that you have to experience the yuck. As the expression goes, shit happens, relationships break up, parents get sick, fatal car accidents occur, and jobs are lost. Grief is something we all experience, and more importantly, it isn't something that we experience easily or well. Grief is HARD. It rips your insides out and makes you cry to the depth of your being. Unfortunately, it is not something one thinks of when talking about Living Happier.

The other day I was talking to a friend and who was lamenting the loss of her parent. Her mother had died a couple of years ago, and every year around the anniversary of her death, she can feel the grief overwhelm her. "I SHOULD be done with this grief" "I am supposed to be Living Happier, right?". I lovingly reminded her that it is perfectly normal to feel the loss of her mother. It was, after all, HER MOTHER, a woman she had known and loved her entire life. So hell yes, she will grieve the loss of one of the most important people in her life!!!

Living Happier doesn't mean living in denial or living a delusion. Living Happier isn't pasting a smile on your face no matter what. It isn't ignoring your feelings.

Living Happier means allowing yourself to have a bad day to give yourself grace around pain, sadness, and grief. Living Happier means you can give yourself the radical acceptance necessary to move through the inevitable emotions that come up as we move through the peaks and valleys of life.

Basically, to Live Happier, you have to LIVE. Live fully engaged, intentional and aware. If we ignore, shame, or belittle our grief and pain, we are not Living, and we are not Living Happier. 

To live happier doesn't mean you will constantly feel HAPPY or blissful. The quest to Live Happier is just that a quest. A quest to give ourselves room to feel all of life, both the joy and the pain. A quest of knowing that in 24 hours, we can cry our eyes out and laugh until our stomachs hurt. When we are truly Living Happier, we get to experience and show up for all of life.

I ask you to join me in ridding this world of the Myth of Living Happier.