Childhood and High Functioning Anxety

After years of working with clients who live with High Functioning Anxiety and cope with their anxiety by over-functioning, there are some patterns to what they learned growing up. These patterns are not set in stone or the be-all end-all. Each of us has a unique story of growing up and navigating the world.

Today, I thought I would bring back Samantha, the main character in my book The Happier Approach, and have her share her growing up to illustrate some of these patterns.

Here is Samantha’s Story:

I had a happy childhood. Well, let me clarify; I would have described it as happy until my mid-30s. Through my therapy, I saw how my parents’ dysfunction led to many doubts and insecurities that I feel today. Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents, and they did the best they could with what they had. My Dad coped with his anxiety through drinking. Every day after work, he was tired and irritable. He poured a glass of red wine and parked himself in front of the TV. He was a happy drunk, and after a couple of glasses of wine, he turned into a different person. We always had family dinner where problems and concerns we brought were met with ‘be grateful’ and ‘toughen up. It was confusing as a child because my parents were clearly struggling with life, but there was no acknowledgment of that, and all the advice was to be better, keep pushing, and think positive. My Mom was present but not really. She often checked out and was either on or off, busying herself with chores or camped out on the couch watching TV and sleeping.

I was the youngest child with three older brothers. My role was to be the peacemaker. From a young age, I remember walking into the kitchen and playing counselor to Mom. Listening to her complain about Dad and my brothers and being a sounding board for her. I spent a lot of time mindreading and walking on eggshells. The painful reality is that everyone relied on me to be the peacemaker and problem solver while simultaneously making fun of me for being sensitive and emotional. The very reason I could problem-solve so well was what was ridiculed the most!

I was often up late stressing about a test or project at school and threw myself into whatever sport or activity was happening at the moment. The only way I received praise was when I performed well at school. So I obsessed about being the best while also navigating social relationships. Socializing made me very anxious (still does!), I had a small group of trusted friends, but my anxiety would be through the roof anytime I had to meet new people. To cope, I either busied myself by being ‘in charge,’ or I would turn into the group counselor, listening and offering support to others while simultaneously beating myself for being too stressed and emotional.

The main messages Samantha learned growing up.

• Life is hard. Suck it up. Be grateful.

• The mixed message of: don’t be too sensitive (because you will get hurt in life), and we secretly need and value your sensitivity.

• The better you perform, the more praise you will receive.

• Love and praise are earned through performance and caretaking, and bonus if you through yourself into these things, you can power through your anxiety.

• Emotions aren’t safe—best to ignore them either through numbing (TV, alcohol, food) or working.

• Loyalty to others is more important than loyalty to yourself.

Samantha's childhood messages are why I stress self-loyalty as a way to quiet your anxiety. Learning how to listen to ourselves and value ourselves allows us to take our emotions seriously so we can acknowledge them rather than ignore them.

The Ever-Present Monger

This week I received an email with some good news, an opportunity that is huge for me and my work (more details to come). My first reaction was to celebrate. I shared the details with my close friends and spent some time grinning from ear to ear. I was surprised my Monger didn’t show up to dampen the party, but sure enough, she made an appearance. Later as my husband and I settled into our evening routine, my Monger started in. She started analyzing every interaction I had surrounding this opportunity, and by the time she was done, I was thinking this isn’t going to happen. I must have misread the email because I wouldn’t get this opportunity it wouldn’t happen to me. My hands started sweating, and I could feel my heart racing as I kept saying to myself, you are so stupid to think this is actually going to happen; there is NO WAY.

And then, by some miracle, I realized what was happening. My Monger had gone into hyper-protective mode. There are three rules of the Monger don’t make a mistake, don’t stand out, and don’t be too vulnerable, and I was about to break all 3. And she was FREAKING out.

I said to myself, “Yep, this is totally scary. Fun and scary. And we can do this no need to get freaked out. No need to panic. We can handle this.” I tuned into my senses doing the 5 senses meditation, and I was able to calm myself down.

I have repeated that many times over the past few days. When I hear my Monger freaking out, I can bring myself back to reality.

But here are a few caveats I want to share.

• The Monger isn’t the enemy. She wants to keep us safe, but her method of doing so is damaging. When I start to demonize her or dismiss her, she only gets louder and more manipulative. When I acknowledge her, she quiets down faster. Sometimes that acknowledgment looks like what I shared above, and sometimes that acknowledgment is simply I hear you, and you are wrong; please step aside.

• I am not always that successful in immediately catching my Monger and quieting her down. I have definitely improved over the years that I have been doing this work. There are still times when my Monger drones on much longer than I want her to. One of my pet peeves is when people make it sound like this process is just a 1-2-3 idea, and you too, can be healed. Acknowledging your Monger, practicing some form of A.S.K. does help, and sometimes I can do that immediately as I just shared, sometimes I don’t notice her, and she runs the show longer than I want her to, and sometimes I just let her win because I am too tired to deal with it.

• I share that because I want you to know, dear reader, that this process isn’t linear. This process isn’t about fixing yourself once and for all. This process is about loyalty, building a relationship with yourself, and all the messy parts of yourself.

Why Listening to the Monger is Easier

“It is so annoying that talking to myself negatively is just easier.” A client lamented.

I can remember so clearly the struggle of understanding the Monger’s voice was causing me pain and still not being able to let her go. Because not only did I believe I deserved her negativity, I also believed that without her guidance, I would not be able to function as a whole person in the world. And even now, after I KNOW that my Monger is not helpful, her voice can still be easier to listen to because she is more familiar. Our whole lives, we have listened to this negative voice, our Monger telling us what to do, how to do it, and when we have failed.

When I responded to my client that the Monger’s voice is just more comfortable, she quickly responded, “No way she makes me feel like crap!”

Yes, she does, but she is also familiar and consistent and has been running the show for most of your life. So, absolutely, she is more comfortable.

Think of an old warm cozy sweater that you find in the back of your closet. It has been worn in and fits just right. Our Monger is like that sweater. You slide into it and think, Ah, yes, now I am safe. This is comfortable and familiar. Then slowly, over time, you realize why this sweater was buried at the back of your closet: it’s itchy! Soon that comfortable, familiar feeling gets taken over with itching, scratching, and wanting to get the sweater off as quickly as possible. Our Monger’s message is like that sweater; every time she starts in with her negativity and advice, we don’t even notice her because it is comfortable, safe, and familiar. Then over time, we realize, Oh no, I feel worse, this is not comfortable at all, and we want to get the sweater off as quickly as possible—but because we have been listening to the Monger for so long, the sweater has become like a straight jacket. Unhooking the Monger isn’t as easy as taking off an itchy sweater.

Frequently that analogy becomes like shorthand for my clients, and they will say, oh, I am wearing the sweater again to bring awareness that their Monger is running the show.

This persistence of the Monger and our belief that we deserve here are reasons why it is hard to unhook her.

Because our Monger convinces us that the one thing we need the most—kindness and compassion—is the thing that will keep us unsuccessful and unhappy.

Quieting our Monger isn’t about just changing our thoughts; it is about slowly, over time, transitioning to trusting ourselves. Trusting that we don’t need to be shamed to accomplish our goals, in fact, we will accomplish more by being kind and loyal to ourselves. It is the complete opposite message we have been taught for much of our lives! It is a radical idea to be more kind to yourself, and you will have less anxiety and shame.

This brings me back to my client saying listening to her Monger’s voice was easier. It is easier. And the key is being kind about that too. Being kind that sometimes you put on the old sweater and have to wear it awhile before you realize it is just itchy and just like the Monger you can stop wearing it.

Want to know more about quieting the Monger check out my book The Happier Approach: How to be Kind to Yourself, Feel Happier, and Still Accomplish Your Goals.

Myths And Misconceptions About High Functioning Anxiety

When dealing with high functioning anxiety (HFA), one of the worst things you can do is rely on “experts” who spread misinformation about HFA and don’t actually understand the unique challenges that HFA brings. Whether you’ve been recently diagnosed, dealing with anxiety for a long time, or think you may have HFA, I know how tempting the desire to find answers can be.

When you go searching for answers, you will find them, but that doesn’t always mean they’re right. In fact, it’s extremely likely that you have already or will find many misconceptions and myths about anxiety that may lead you down the wrong path or stop you from getting help at all.

As an anxiety coach who works with patients that struggle with HFA, I have run across many of these myths and misconceptions. And if you’re like me, then you want to make sure you know the truth about anxiety and HFA so you know how to deal with it the right way. 

In order to do that, we should start by debunking the most common myths and misconceptions about anxiety that I’ve run across over the years of helping my clients overcome their HFA. 

What Is High Functioning Anxiety?

If you’re familiar with anxiety, you may have a general understanding of how it works and what people with generalized anxiety disorder may be experiencing. High functioning anxiety may be a new term that you’re not as familiar with—and high functioning anxiety is not the same as general anxiety. 

One of the biggest indicators that you may have high functioning anxiety? You know what it’s like to seem calm, cool, and collected on the outside but on the inside, you’re fighting a battle with the constant storm of self doubt, stress, and anxiety.

People with high functioning anxiety are high functioning; they may not always appear to be timid, panicked, or worrisome like those with general anxiety. One person’s “high functioning” could be different than someone else’s. 

Despite the opinion of that random person on the internet, or your friend who said “It’s no big deal, everyone deals with it”, high functioning anxiety is not the same for everyone. How you deal with HFA needs to be based on a plan that is tailored to you. Don’t let anxiety disorder misconceptions stop you from getting the right help.

Common Myths About High Functioning Anxiety

A lot of what we have read, been told, or think about high functioning anxiety is actually just stereotypes about anxiety that we either found on the internet or were told by someone that doesn’t actually have formal training or certifications to treat anxiety. Eventually, these myths and misconceptions about anxiety start becoming real in our heads. 

 I often have to help my clients break free from these stereotypes so they can see the truth about their own high functioning anxiety. What I found is that most of my clients with high functioning anxiety often convince themselves that:

I don't worry all the time…

People often assume that because they don’t worry all of the time, they must not have high functioning anxiety.  High functioning anxiety doesn’t mean you worry all the time, but it does mean you’re probably over stimulated with stress, even if you don’t show it on the outside, and determined to achieve your goals no matter what, and that can be a lot for someone to deal with. So, just because you don’t “worry all the time” like other people with HFA, doesn’t mean you aren’t dealing with it, too.

My anxiety helps me get more done…

Yes, high functioning anxiety can be a driving factor for you to get a lot done or get more done, whether that be at home, work, etc. The reason why someone with high functioning anxiety gets “so much done” is because the intense fear of not getting something done is too much to handle. Maybe you’re so scared of failure that you do whatever is possible to achieve something, this could lead to overworking yourself, self doubt, or burn out.  

I have never missed work because of my anxiety…

A high performance, high stress workplace is one of the most common places you can find people with high functioning anxiety and I have seen it time and time again with my own clients. Maybe you stop yourself from calling in sick or taking that long overdue vacation because even the thought of not going to work makes you freak out. Meanwhile, everyone around you thinks you have everything together because you never let yourself drop the ball, no matter the cost to you, your family, or your health.

Anxiety doesn't hold me back, it motivates me…

You may be telling yourself that having high functioning anxiety is actually okay because it motivates you to do more and be more. It seems to be the driving force that has helped you reach your success. And while stress can be a good motivator for short periods of time, anxiety can be an overwhelming and debilitating emotion when left untreated. It may come across as a motivator for now, but overtime, high functioning anxiety can take its toll on your mental health and lead to prolonged periods of feeling unmotivated to do anything or even physical burnout that results in hospitalization.  

Work With A High Functioning Anxiety Coach Today

If you are a high functioning person who seems like they have it all figured out on the outside, but on the inside you feel like the world is crashing down on you, you probably have your own misconceptions about high functioning anxiety and might not even realize they aren’t actually true. 

You may find that working with a high functioning anxiety coach can help you work through the stereotypes about anxiety in your head so you can see the truth for what it really is.

My course is designed to help those that deal with high levels of anxiety but may look like they have it all together. Wanting a more personable approach? I also offer coaching services that provide the opportunity for me to work with you one on one so we can really dig deep into the root causes of your high functionality. 

Don’t let the myths and misconceptions about high functioning anxiety stop you from getting the help you need. Schedule a free consultation or check out my course to get started.

Self Shame: What Is It, Why You Do It, And How To Deal With It

Self shame is something that we all struggle with and at times, we can feel like we’re in an endless battle with our anxiety and inner self-critic. Constantly shaming and belittling ourselves stops us from being able to bloom into our potential and achieve all the things we want to do.

If you have struggled with the torment of constantly shaming yourself, then you’re probably longing for a way to improve your self shame and stop shame spirals that can last for days, weeks, maybe even years. 

I’m here to tell you your self shame doesn’t have to last forever. By identifying where it comes from, we can figure out how to deal with shame and stop the shame spiral for good.

What Is Self Shame?

To understand what self shame is, you have to understand what self shame isn’t. Many people assume that self shame is the same thing as guilt, but in reality, shame and guilt are two very different things. Guilt is when you did something wrong and you feel remorseful because of it. Shame is when you feel like there’s something wrong with you and is often a side effect of high functioning anxiety (HFA).

Shame and anxiety go hand in hand. A lot of times, our self shaming is a direct result of our anxious thoughts that make us hyperfixate on the negative and over critique ourselves by pointing out every bad thing we can find. We can become so blinded by our shame that we can’t see any of the good things in ourselves.

Why Do You Shame Yourself?

There are plenty of different reasons why we shame ourselves. A lot of the time, the shame we feel can stem from the shame we received from someone else. 

Take children for example: infants and babies tend to make impulsive decisions that aren’t well thought out just because they don't know any better. It’s not until children are older and more developed that they start to understand the impact of their actions. For children in abusive or toxic households, they probably experienced a lot of shame from an early age, which likely carried with them into adulthood. 

But troubles during childhood are not the only reason why you might be shaming yourself. While past childhood traumas can impact our anxieties today, there are a number of other reasons why we shame ourselves: 

1. A loud self-critic

Our inner critic is at odds with us all the time. In my work as an anxiety coach, I call this voice the Monger. When our inner critic becomes overly belittling, mean, and negative, it is referred to as negative self talk. Negative self talk is the negative critiques we give ourselves. Maybe you shame your body and your abilities, or shame yourself when you aren’t able to accomplish something. These are all examples of how our inner self-critic can use negative self talk to shame ourselves. 

Even if you’re able to calm your Monger during the day, it can come out at night with a vengeance and cause you to lay awake at night consumed with negative thoughts about yourself. For many of my clients, their self-critic can be so loud it causes insomnia that affects their day to day ability to function.

2. Rejection from others

Whether it be from friends, family, colleagues, romantic partners, or even complete strangers, rejection can sting. Rejection is a part of life and something we’ll all have to deal with, but we still see it as a direct reflection of who we are even though in most cases, it has nothing to do with us. We tend to imagine the worst reasons why someone may have rejected us and focus on the negatives about ourselves. Most of the time these are imagined and the self shame we place on ourselves is far worse than the rejection from others.

3. Self esteem issues

Shame can be triggered by our low self esteem. When we tell ourselves we aren’t “good enough” we open the door to shaming ourselves and making our self esteem even worse. If you struggle with self esteem issues, you’re probably lacking the confidence to stop the constant shaming and tell yourself that you are good enough.

Lack of self esteem can trigger us to give into cycles of shame and indulgence, where we procrastinate or do things that we know are bad for us and then beat ourselves up because we couldn’t resist the temptation. 

Letting Go Of Shame

We all have different experiences that play a role in how we shame ourselves. That’s why it’s so important to identify where your shame is coming from. Once you do that, you can start taking the right steps towards figuring out how you can deal with and get rid of shame. 

1. Don’t hold your emotions in

For most of us with high functioning anxiety, we like to think that we’re able to shut our emotions off on command. When we’re feeling overwhelmed with an emotion, we push it down and refuse to recognize emotions or work through it. If we’re not careful, these emotions can build up so much that we lash out in anger, breakdown, or stay awake at night just feeling. Holding in these pent up emotions can eventually lead to us losing control over our ability to keep them suppressed and can seriously derail our lives if we let it.

2. Identify what triggers you

Our triggered emotions can usually be linked back to something that someone said or did, and sometimes the culprit is our own anxious thoughts. If you can recognize the source that triggers the emotions you feel in the moment, then you can prepare yourself for when that source tries to trigger you again. For help identifying triggered emotions, I typically use a tool called A.S.K. which teaches my clients how to identify and recognize their emotions. 

3. Be kind to yourself and know your worth

Life is hard enough on its own, and it can be even harder when our self shame kicks it into overdrive with negative critiques and hurtful thoughts about ourselves. We tend to talk to ourselves in a more negative, hurtful way than how we would even talk to others. One of the best ways to build confidence and boost your self esteem is to be kind and patient with yourself. Know your worth and be as loyal to yourself as you are to others.

4. Talk to an anxiety coach

Figuring out where our shame is coming from and then setting a plan in motion to deal with it is not an easy thing to do, especially when our shame is the very thing blinding us from finding the truth. One of the best ways to deal with self shame is to talk to an experienced anxiety coach. With help from an anxiety coach, you can learn healthy and productive ways to improve your self shame. 

Work With An Anxiety Coach To Improve Self Shame

Don’t let your self shame stop you from gaining the confidence you need to achieve your goals. You can still get your life back on track no matter how long you’ve dealt with it. 

As an anxiety coach, I work to help you figure out why you’re shaming yourself so we can make a plan tailored to stopping your self shame. My coaching services offer a one-on-one approach so we can really dig deep and find a solution. 

I also have a self-guided course that covers the impacts of anxiety on mental health and how it could be feeding into your self shame. Check out my course to learn more about overcoming your shame.

Negative Self Talk: What It Is and How to Stop It

Working as an anxiety coach, I have become all too familiar with the inner voice. That little voice we hear in our heads can be helpful at times, like when it kindly motivates us to keep working hard towards our goals. Many times though, that inner voice can have a dark side too. 

When our inner critic becomes overly belittling, mean, and negative, it is referred to as negative self talk. Years ago, when I first wrote my book The Happier Approach, I called this internal negative voice the Monger, because she is spreading negative propaganda about us.

Negative self talk refers to the negative critiques we give ourselves. Maybe you shame your body or your abilities, maybe your mind tells you that you’re not good enough. These are all examples of how our inner voice can be negative self talk. 

Constant trash talk and negative self reflection takes a toll on mental health, and the longer you avoid dealing with it, the worse it will get. 

The Monger is one of the main symptoms of high functioning anxiety and one of the most common reasons my clients eventually seek help. It can drive you to self-sabotage, repeat the same mistakes over and over, or even run yourself so ragged you end up hospitalized from exhaustion.

Negative self talk can manifest into a life of overwhelming emotions and exhaustion, frankly it can make us totally miserable, if it isn’t worked through. You may think “There’s nothing I can do to change it, I’m always going to have to deal with negative self talk.” I’m here to tell you, you don’t have to!

I help people that struggle with overwhelming bad self talk to build loyalty with themselves, recognize emotions and learn how to combat those pesky inner voices. In my course, I cover how to conquer the Monger as well as the other voices that show up in our minds, especially for those showing signs of high functioning anxiety. 

What Is Negative Self Talk?

Negative self talk refers to the voice in your head that convinces you that you need to be criticized and ridiculed in order to accomplish your goals. The challenge is we believe negative self talk is why we are successful. In reality it is the opposite.

 The Monger is the voice that is constantly playing in your head, sharing all the ways you failed, could have been better and messed up. She tells you you’re not enough, you’re no good, you’re not worth it. The problem is we believe we need her to accomplish our goals and without her harassing us on a daily basis we would be lazy, do-nothing blobs binge watching Netflix and eating donuts on the couch. 

While you look like you have it together on the outside, there’s a voice on the inside telling you the exact opposite. After a while, this combination of constant negative self-talk takes a toll on your mental health.

Repeatedly trash-talking yourself creates unwanted stress for you and others around you. You’re on edge constantly because your mind won’t let you rest from all of the negative self talk. What’s worse is that these hurtful thoughts hinder you from believing in yourself and taking risks. This can have long lasting effects on both you and your mental health. 

Negative Self Talk Examples

Negative self talk can come in many forms and references an array of topics. You might not even be aware of your negative self talk in other areas of your life. Here are some negative self talk examples:

• “I’ll never be good enough”

• “I can’t do anything right”

• “No one cares about me”

• “I’ll never be successful”

 Negative self talk can also refer to physical features…

• “I’m so ugly.”

• “I hate how my body looks.”

• “I wish [insert body feature] was smaller/bigger.”

• “I would look better if I did this.”

….or when we compare ourselves to others.

• “I’ll never be as successful as them.”

• “I wish I looked more like her.”

• “They always have everything figured out and I never do.”

• “I would be happier with his life.”

Sound familiar? 

How to Help Negative Self Talk

1. Be aware of your emotions

Being aware of our emotions and why we’re feeling anxious is an important step to identifying where your anxiety is coming from. We’ve been taught that the only emotion we should have is happiness. But in reality we experience lots of different emotions. Acknowledging your feelings (even the unpleasant ones) is key to decreasing your negative self talk.  Giving yourself permission to acknowledge your emotions is counter to the message of the Monger which is why it is the first step in helping negative self talk. 

2. Slow down and get into your body

When we experience a lot of negative self talk we get stuck in our heads. When you notice your Monger talking, take a pause and do a full body movement--stretch, dance, wiggle, reach up to the sky, touch your toes. Getting into your body allows you to get out of your head and remember you are a living breathing human being--not a machine.

3. Challenge yourself to see a bigger picture.

Negative self talk usually takes place in vague generalities so challenge yourself to get specific. If you start thinking “I will never be successful” challenge yourself to define what success looks like to you and what are the baby steps you need to take to achieve your goals. Then kindly start taking those steps. 

4. Be patient with yourself

Be patient and compassionate with yourself. After all, nobody else knows what you’re going through besides you. It’s okay to give yourself a break sometimes, and can actually be a great way to improve negative self talk.

5. Talk to an anxiety coach

Figuring out why you’re anxious can be hard to do  on our own and sometimes we need a third party perspective. Working with an anxiety coach to figure out where your anxiety is coming from will help you determine a way to quiet the intrusive thoughts you have. 

Learn How to Stop Your Negative Self Talk 

Negative self talk is hard to overcome on your own. Anxiety can make you feel like you’re alone or like the negative self talk will never actually end. I’m here to tell you that you are not alone and your negative self talk can be helped. 

As an anxiety coach, I work with clients to figure out where negative words about self are coming from and make a game plan that will help address those thoughts so you can learn how to overcome negative self talk on your own. My coaching services offer a more one on one approach and are tailored to your specific needs.

I also have a self-guided course that covers our internal voices, including how to stop negative self-talk, reduce overindulgence and self-destructive voices, and the voices we should be listening to more. Check out my course to learn more about how you can start getting control of negative self talk.

Spinning Out

I am in the process of re-doing my website. As a part of the process, I am editing my blogs—over 400 of them--and moving them from the old site to the new site. It sounds like that would take a long time, right? Well, maybe for some who isn’t me. I am a wiz at this stuff, and even though it might take a long time for some other poor schlep. I can finish this is in a weekend—at least that is what I told myself.

Last weekend I approached this task full of gusto. I would buckle down and devote the whole weekend to my website and check this task off my very long list. First thing Saturday morning, I camped out on the couch and started working. Like all good high achievers, I took minimal breaks, and by Saturday night, eyes bleary, back and neck killing me, I had moved 20 blogs. Yep, you read that right. I moved TWENTY! At this rate, the process was going to take me WEEKS. To say the least, I was disappointed. Devastated would be more like it. My superhuman expectations for myself had met reality, and I didn’t quite know what to do with that.

So that was last Saturday—guess how many blogs I have moved over since then? None. Ok, well, maybe 5, but I have not made much progress on this project. What did I do instead?

Well, I spent most of this past week spinning. Spinning is what I do when a project is too big, and I don’t know how to tackle it, or I don’t have the patience to tackle it. So I spin. It is procrastinating with an added layer of beating myself up. It is 100% illogical and irrational, and unhelpful. My BFF (the voice of self-sabotage) steps in and encourages me to pout, and my Monger beats me up about it. And the fight is on! Back and forth they go.

 I spent my time cleaning my office, zooming with colleagues, organizing my next project, baking brownies complete with homemade icing, and basically found anything to do except work on my website. And playing there all week long, just below the surface, was the message of how I wasn’t doing the THING I needed to be doing, and I was a loser, and because I wasn’t doing this website, I was going to be homeless and alone forever. (Honestly, it always amazes me how dark my Monger can go.)

I am endlessly amazed at how sneaky High Functioning Anxiety is. It can show up in a variety of ways. 

Here are a few ways it showed up for me this week:

• Spinning

• Procrastinating

• Thinking I am superhuman and can do it better

• Lots of SHOULDS

• All of nothing thinking (hard time seeing the baby steps)

• Being touchy/grouchy

• Beating myself up WAY more than necessary

• Eating LOTS of sugar because I deserve it.

There is no solution here. I will start by accepting that this process will take me longer than I want it to and catching my spinning tendency as quickly as possible. So even though it pisses me off, I am not superhuman; tomorrow, I will be back at my desk editing my blogs and moving them from one site to another. I will call in the Biggest Fan and try to make it as fun and easy as possible, one post at a time. 

My Monger Hijacked My Day Off

Don’t stand out.

Don’t be too vulnerable.

Don’t make a mistake.

Those are the three rules of the Monger (inner critic). She has others—but universally, those are her three rules.

Last Sunday, I broke the first two rules—I stood out, and I was vulnerable, and I wanted to share how my Monger let me know and how I dealt with it.

One of my goals in my writing and talking about mental health is to share its realness. To show how freaking hard acknowledging your feelings and practicing self-loyalty is in everyday life.

In last Sundays’ newsletter, I described my initial reaction to the Meghan Markle interview. If you missed it, head over here to read it. As I pressed send on the newsletter, I was super excited and proud about the message showing the complexity of empathy and kindness. My Biggest Fan was celebrating with me, and the main message running through my brain was, “You are doing it! Sharing your vulnerability and realness, nicely done.”

But by mid-afternoon, I started to hear my Monger. “What were you thinking!?! I can’t believe you shared that you were judgy of Meghan Markle.” My Monger’s messages were vague and non-specific as they tend to be. But the overall theme was I sucked, and people were going to judge me.

On Sunday afternoons, I try my hardest to make it a work-free judgment-free time. But last Sunday, as I sat on the couch watching the Mad About You Reboot, my Monger was running her propaganda loop about how I am the only one struggling with these concepts, and if I were a better person (whatever that means), it wouldn’t be so hard.

I didn’t practice A.S.K.; I didn’t do anything I tell my clients to do. I tried to distract and ignore the messages. I double down with numbing by grabbing my phone and playing some games while watching T.V., and when that didn’t work, I polished off the ½ pint of ice cream I was saving in the freezer.

My distractions didn’t work. It just temporarily quieted her, so when I started going to bed, and all the distractions were gone, she went for the jugular.

“You are such an idiot. You will lose clients, and no one will want to hire an unempathetic coach. Your desire to show how hard it is—is going to leave you broke!” She said.

I grabbed my phone and went downstairs. I handed my phone to my husband, so he could read the newsletter message and said, “Here, read this. My Monger is telling me I am an unempathetic mean girl, and I am going to be out of a job.” He took the phone and started reading as I stood over him, hands on my hips, convinced my Monger was right.

As he scrolled through, He said, “Ok, still waiting for the part where you are unempathetic---all you are doing is talking about how empathy is hard, which it is.” He looked up at me and smiled and said, “Tell your Monger to take a hike.” He hugged me, and I headed back upstairs to get ready for bed.

As I laid in bed, I FINALLY practiced A.S.K. I acknowledged that I was feeling insecure, uncomfortable, and fearful, but also, I was feeling excited and pleased that I had written the email. When I got to the K, kindly pull back to see the big picture. My Biggest Fan stepped in and said, “Oh Sweet Pea, you broke 2 of the Monger’s rules. You stood out, and you were vulnerable. That doesn’t mean it was a bad thing. It just means it is uncomfortable.” And then my Monger was quiet, and I remembered what it felt like earlier that day when I originally pressed send on the email.

Couple of things I was reminded of:

• Distraction doesn’t work because my Monger plays there unconsciously. Because her voice is so familiar, even if I am not paying attention, she can wrap her messaging around me like a warm, itchy blanket. And once she has swaddled me in her messaging, the only way out is through practicing self-loyalty via A.S.K.

• Practicing A.S.K. is challenging and, at times, annoying. Last Sunday, I just wanted to enjoy my afternoon. I didn’t want to pull out the feelings sheet and be kind to myself etc. But had I practiced A.S.K. earlier in the day, It would have been a far more enjoyable day.

• Once the Monger has her hooks in me, it doesn’t matter what other people say. I heard from several people saying how much they appreciated the story and how helpful it was. Which was amazing, and thank you to all of you who reached out, AND it was no match for my Monger. Even my husband saying tell your Monger to take a hike only helped temporarily. I have to have my own back. If I am not kind to myself, it doesn’t matter how many other people are.

The bottom line, Mongers are tough. But she doesn’t have to win. Years ago, she would have convinced me to stay quiet and stop standing out. But I know through this work, through A.S.K., through being kind to myself, she may still jump in and ruin an afternoon, but she doesn’t run the show anymore. And I will take that as a win.

Well, Hello There, Anxiety

Sometimes with high functioning anxiety, we feel so alone as if we are the only ones experiencing this mind jibberish. Today, I wanted to share some stories of how anxiety and the Monger have shown up this week for my clients, myself, and my friends (the names are made up). The more we hear these stories, the more we can see our anxiety playing out in our lives.

Stephanie was feeling GOOD. She had a day of peace and finally saw how all this work in building self-loyalty and channeling her Biggest Fan was helping. She decided to take a quick walk to enjoy the warmer temperatures. As Stephanie returned to her house and made her way up the driveway, all those good feelings were gone; she was angry, overwhelmed, and bitter. As she started making dinner, she realized why she was so angry. Her Monger had taken over and been chatting with her the whole walk telling her that she was wrong, this stuff wasn’t working, and she was still a loser. The Monger gets nervous when we are too comfortable and let our guard down. One of her rules is don’t be too vulnerable because she believes we risk more pain later when we are vulnerable.

Cindy had a busy week. She spent the whole week pushing and hustling. Hitting deadlines, checking in on her Dad, running her kids from practice to practice. She was amazed at how much she was getting done and how good she felt! Yes, she was exhausted each night, but she checked things off the list and was uber-productive. Friday night, she LOST it. Her husband failed to buy milk at the grocery store, and she went ballistic. All the exhaustion, emotions, and overwhelm from the week came out in a mini-tantrum over milk, which led to an all-out fight with her husband about who does more for the household. Anxiety had been with her all week. She had just chosen to push it down until it boiled up with a ten reaction to a two situation.

Molly met a friend for a walk outside, and they had a great time catching up. On her way back home, Molly kept replaying one part of the conversation over and over. “I can’t believe you said that!” Her Monger chimed in. “What were you thinking!?!? She is probably so offended”. After spending the whole afternoon spinning out about potentially offending her friend, Molly called her friend to apologize. Her friend responded with amazement, ‘What are you talking about?!?! I can’t even remember that part of the conversation, so I am certainly not offended”. Molly wasted the whole afternoon, making up stories and spinning out. Our anxiety shows up in the sneakiest of ways.

Can you relate to any of these stories or a version of them? 

Our anxiety shows up in the sneakiest of ways.

So what can you do about it? 

The first step is recognizing it is your anxiety/monger talking.

The second step is realizing that your anxiety/Monger isn’t always the absolute truth. You can choose to listen to it. This is THE HARDEST step. Our Mongers are stealthy. But the more space you can get between your voice and the Monger’s voice, the better (even if it is a small wedge of space.)

The temptation is to rationalize with the Monger or try to talk her down. I spent too many years arguing with my Monger---she always won. She just gets meaner and meaner.

Next? Practicing A. S. K.

A.S.K. is so powerful because it is a way of bypassing the Monger/Anxiety and checking in with yourself—bringing in that Self-Loyalty.

I like to think of it as your Monger has hijacked your thoughts in your mind. The way around her is to get into your heart. To soften. To be authentic with yourself. That is where your Biggest Fan is in that soft, vulnerable place. She is a big hug saying, “Hey Sweet Pea, Today was hard. You are still ok.”

Acknowledge what you are Feeling: Label those feelings,

Stephanie was feeling happy, joyful, scared, cautious, and insecure. 

Cindy was feeling tired, fearful, exhausted, overwhelmed, taken for granted, and proud. 

Notice the VARIETY in the feelings. When we start to acknowledge our feelings, we can see the wide range of feelings we experience. 

Slow Down and Get into Your Body

Do a full-body movement, touch your toes, stretch for the sky, or wiggle your body. 

When we can get in our bodies, we can make some distance between our anxiety and reality. We get trapped in our heads and forget we have a body.

Kindly Pull Back to see the Big Picture. 

 Give yourself some kindness. 

Jen would say to herself, “You did it. You used your strengths, and you made a difference; how cool is that?!? You didn’t have to struggle; not all victories require struggle, that is a new belief for you, and it is still valid. 

Molly would say to herself, “Julie has been a friend of mine for years. I can trust her to tell me if she was offended.” or “I know you like to pick one thing and obsess on it, but this just isn’t worth it. Julie loves you, and she knows you love her. Let it go.”

When High Functioning Anxiety Peaks

In part one, I talked about the  High Functioning Anxiety Wrestling Match and gave a common scenario I see all the time between the Monger and BFF. My goal for this post is to talk about how to bring in your Biggest Fan, how to handle the Monger-BFF wrestling match in that particular scenario. But in light of the increased anxiety and Monger-BFF wrestling matches I have seen in myself and my clients over the past week as we stare down more shutdowns, increased COVID risk, and the start of the Holidays, I want to address how to bring in your Biggest Fan general.

Above all, I want to say this stuff is hard. I say that because even as I write this newsletter, my Monger and BFF are wrestling. Right now, given all 2020 has thrown at us, starting what would traditionally be the start of the holiday season in the states with large gatherings with those we love, anxiety is high. And when anxiety is high, our Mongers and BFFs are louder.

First, I want to cover some methods that don't work:

Demonizing or criticizing yourself for not being better at handling your Mongers and BFFs.

Telling yourself to change your thoughts and be grateful. I rail against this idea (even though it is common in the psychology/personal development world) because it only works if we acknowledge our feelings first.

What does work:

Slowing down. By its very nature, the Monger/BFF wrestling match increases anxiety-it increases our speed. So by slowing ourselves down, we can start to unhook their messages.

Acknowledging what is happening without judgment, criticism, or trying to make ourselves happier. This practice is SO hard and so counter to our culture. When we were raised in households and/or heard the message chose happy or be grateful, we don't know how to handle those messy feelings of sadness, anger, and grief.

Last night I just let it rip. I said to my husband, "I am tired of COVID and not being able to live normally, angry that the holiday plans are turned on their heads, sad that I am missing family members, and sad for all those people who aren't going to see their parents this Thanksgiving." I shared a few more feelings and was shocked that all that messiness was in there. I was shocked that I was feeling all those things.

Even as a professional who KNOWS acknowledging feelings is the key, I still struggle to do that because the first message to myself is, "it's not that bad, a vaccine is on the way, don't dwell on the negative." That message of positivity and gratitude is hard-wired. But when that message plays there unchecked, it leads to anxiety. Because first, we need to be loyal to ourselves to allow ourselves to think or say the truth even if it is ugly.

Our Mongers will let us believe that if we allow the emotions, we will get stuck in them. In reality, the opposite is true; when we allow emotions when we express them, they will not have a stranglehold on us.

Once we allow the emotions, we can then see a bigger picture. We can recognize that this way of life isn't forever; there is light at the end of the tunnel. We can think of creative ways to celebrate the holidays. We practice gratitude and positive thinking ONLY AFTER WE HAVE ACKNOWLEDGED ALL THE MESSY FEELINGS. We try to skip a step and jump right into gratitude, and that doesn't work.

Also, when anxiety is high---as it is now. These practices aren't one and done, especially if you were raised in a household where emotions other than happy weren't ok. I know we all want a practice that will solve the anxiety permanently or at least solve it for 8 hours at a time. I have had a lot of doubt in the past few months when anxiety is so high that these methods I teach are wrong because I have had to strengthen both the frequency and the intensity of my practices. But I believe that has less to do with the power of the practices and more to do with the extraordinarily anxious time we live in.

To review--when your anxiety is high, and you notice your Monger and BFF fighting, which can show up as pushing yourself too hard, stressing over unimportant details, having trouble sleeping, procrastinating, people-pleasing, and/or numbing out.

Acknowledge your feelings. Grab a feelings sheet, and write down on a piece of paper all you are feeling. Notice how often you want to spin it to be happier or more positive and remind yourself that will happen, right now, you are being brutally honest. You can set a timer for this practice if that makes it more comfortable to have it time-bound.

Slow Down Get into your body. 

1. Give your body a stretch.

2. Touch your toes, stretch your neck, reach for the sky.

3. Let those feelings go through your body.

Kindly pull back and see the big picture. Acknowledging all you have learned, give yourself some extra kindness, some extra love. Now is the time to practice gratitude--remember gratitude doesn't wipe away the feelings of pain and sadness. It just reminds you of the blessings in your life.

The High Functioning Anxiety Wrestling Match

The common wisdom is to do what you love, find your zone of genius, and do it as much as you can. This idea sounds fantastic, find what you are naturally good at and do more of it. For those of us with High Functioning Anxiety, this idea is problematic because we keep our anxiety at bay by keeping a veneer of perfection and productivity. Therefore the closer we get to our zone of genius--the more we will need to take down the veneer of perfection. And taking down the veneer causes our High Functioning Anxiety to go haywire. To 'protect' this veneer, our Monger (critical voice) and the BFF (voice of false self-compassion) get stronger and louder the closer we get to our zone of genius.

When we start taking down the veneer, our Monger and BFF start fighting, and these 2 voices stir up all kinds of roadblocks.

Here's what it looks like:

All week you have been looking forward to Friday afternoon. You have scheduled some time to do an activity you love. Your partner is in charge of the kids, and you have 4 hours of blissful free time to explore your zone of genius, something you have been longing for for MONTHS. Sounds fantastic, right?

Here's what happened behind the scenes in your head:

You close the door take a deep breath, "Yes!" you say to yourself, "four hours to devote to my favorite activity."

Your Monger starts in, "You are so selfish, forcing your husband to take care of the kids, who do you think you are?!?! This better be AMAZING when you finish. Proving that this time was worth it." 

Followed by your BFF, "Best to ease into this; you don't want to overwhelm yourself right away. Let's start by doing some research on the internet so we can see what others have done and get some ideas."

Scrolling through your phone doing research, your Monger has LOTs of commentaries, "Oh my gosh, you could NEVER do that! Why did you think this was a good idea!?!?" 

Your stomach starts churning, your neck gets tight, and the anxiety starts to kick in.

Your BFF tries to have your back by criticizing the people you are researching. "Oh, you can do this; you know way more than her! She is an idiot! You can do so much better."

Your Monger and BFF go round and round. Your Monger is criticizing you, and your BFF is defending you by criticizing everyone else. You are exhausted and overwhelmed. Your anxiety is through the roof. You are overanalyzing EVERYTHING, and your heart is racing, your stomach is churning, so your BFF convinces you that you need to relax and take a nap.

2 hours down

You wake up feeling guilty and not refreshed. As you look around the room, you see your closet is overflowing.

"What a mess, that is what you should be doing. That would be a better use of time! Let's clean that up! You will feel better if you get your closed organized." says your Monger

You spend the next 90 minutes cleaning the closet and the rest of the bedroom.

Finally, with 30 minutes left, your Monger says, "You begged your husband for TIME, and you have completely wasted it! Let's at least make a plan, so next time you will maximize your time and not get stuck wasting it with naps and cleaning." Notice how your Monger has switched sides--she is now beating you up for NOT doing the activity---even though it was her idea NOT to do the activity in the first place.

You emerge from the room, frustrated at yourself. You hear your family laughing down the hall. As you walk into the living room, you see them all gathered on the couch watching a movie and laughing. A part of your smiles and your heart is warmed, seeing them laughing and happy. You want to join them, but you are so consumed with anxiety; there is no way you can relax on the couch. Fortunately (or unfortunately), your BFF steps in, "Well, isn't that just so typical? Here you are in the bedroom WORKING, and they are all lounging on the couch while the kitchen is a mess!!"

You head to the kitchen to start the dishes, and your partner comes in to check on you and see how everything went. "How did it go? Did you get a lot done?"

You are embarrassed that you wasted all that time not doing your activity, so you get angry. 

"Good grief! This kitchen is a mess, and I just can't do everything around here!" Your partner looks at you, stunned and confused.

Notice the complexity of this scenario. The internal dialogue of our Mongers and BFFs can so easily cause havoc in our lives. Every time they are running, it amazes me how things can go so far amuck without me even being aware it is happening.

The key is to bring the Biggest Fan. And for the record, it is HARD to A. notice the Monger and BFF are running the show and B. to go through the steps to bring in the Biggest Fan (frequently when I realize my Monger and BFF were in charge and I need to practice ASK to bring in the Biggest Fan) and that is THE LAST thing I wanted to do.

I share this story, not for more fodder for your Monger :) But to say I see you, you are not alone, and there is hope.

Why Real Change Is Hard

A challenge in writing weekly helpful content for an audience of High Functioning Anxiety folks is it is hard to get past what I call the "shield of the Monger and the BFF." Here is how the shield works: You read a self-help article. Let's say it is about setting boundaries, and your Monger says, "See, you need to be better about setting boundaries. You are constantly letting people walk all over you." And then, when her message is too shaming and belittling, your BFF steps in to say, "We are fine. It is hard to set boundaries, and you set one earlier this week with a co-worker--you don't need to change anything." And we breathe a sigh of relief and move on.

The Monger-BFF shield keeps us from making real changes. It is a defense mechanism that I see in myself and my clients. For many of us with HFA, we grew up in families that praised performance. Get an A---be the best---win the race---keep pushing---you can always do more. The reality of being human, making mistakes, being tired, feeling lazy wasn't discussed. It didn't mean it wasn't there; it just wasn't addressed. We learned that those natural traits of being human, making mistakes, being tired, and lazy weren't ok and definitely weren't something to share. So appearance became everything. Making sure you looked ok on the outside was most important. When you hear appearance, we often think of the stars of reality TV who have perfect makeup, perfect skin, and are perfectly skinny, but their lives are a mess. But I am talking about the appearance of being a success in whatever it is you value. Usually, whatever we learned as a child is valuable is what we relentlessly pursue as adults, e.g., being a success at work, being active in your community, being seen as smart, funny, productive, or in control of your emotions.

We learned early on that external praise decreased anxiety, so of course, to maximize praise, we become focused on our outward appearance. We became so good at maximizing our outward appearance; we rarely let anyone know how we feel, even ourselves. We have mastered the art of appearing confidant, together, and on top of it so well that we have a hard time letting our guard down, even to ourselves. The only way to truly reduce the anxiety is to let go of this appearance-driven life, turn inward, and get honest about what we see. One of the roadblocks to that turning inward is The Monger-BFF shield I describe above.

Our Monger and BFF hate change. They hate the unknown, they might use different messaging, but the goal is the same: to stop you from accessing your Biggest Fan and doing any real work. It is ironic, one of the traits of people with HFA is the desire to improve and the love of self-help. We read a lot of books; we listen to a lot of personal growth podcasts, and that is as far as it goes. We take in this information, we even teach it to others (raising my hand sheepishly), but in our own lives, our BFF and Monger work together to create a powerful defensive shield that prevents anything from changing. So they keep us skating around the surface, reading a lot of books, listening to lots of podcasts, and implementing nothing.

This pattern happened in my own life for years; I would teach all the things about being kind to myself, taking regular breaks, and getting into my body. I taught them, but I didn't practice them. And if someone I loved called me out on this inconsistency (which was rare), my Monger and BFF (especially my BFF) would jump in to tell me how wrong they were, and I was FINE. I didn't need to do those things; I WAS FINE. But I wasn't.

I see it in my clients: a great example of this is when I first received my Daring Way Training, and I started getting clients who LOVED Brené Brown and wanted to work with me because I had been trained in her methodology. But what I quickly found is clients wanted to talk about Brené Brown's philosophy; they wanted to share it and discuss it and compare stories but implementing it—doing the work —moving past the BFF-Monger shield? WEEEELLLLL, not so much.

Recognizing this tendency and noticing how the pattern works is essential and hard. Because we have been taught to value appearance so much, our BFFs and Mongers protect us from any criticism/doubt/change.

So what can you do? Start paying attention to this phenomenon in your life. Do you notice times when you are performing even when there is no one to perform for?

Here's a simple example: I make a mistake. I pulled the car into the garage and didn't look and hit my husband's bicycle. It was an accident, but it was a mistake.

Option 1: Immediately I think, ok, just own you made a mistake; it is ok; mistakes happen. And then the Monger-BFF shield comes down, and they go back and forth. "You are such an idiot. Why weren't you looking?" says the Monger and then the BFF. "Well, if your husband hadn't parked his bike right there, it is so close to your spot. He is so messy and just puts his junk everywhere!' As I walk into the house, I feel better. My BFF has justified my ways. I still feel anxious when I think about hitting the bike, but my Monger and BFF keep me on the same worn path of self-protection. I replay the car hitting the bike story and share it with friends, careful to shift the blame to my messy unable to throw anything away, husband.

Option 2: I get out of the car and see the damage, and my Monger starts talking: "You are such an idiot. Why weren't you looking?" says the Monger, and I stop her take a deep breath, and say. "Yep, look at that, I made a mistake, I wasn't looking, and I hit the bike. UGH! That is so annoying; I hate making mistakes and messing up. It is so hard." Every time my Monger steps in to say, you are an idiot for hitting the bike. I say to myself, "Yep, I made a mistake. It doesn't make me an idiot; it just makes me human." The next time I pull into the garage, I make sure to slow down, look around, and take my time.

In option 2, I bypassed the Monger-BFF shield and got to my Biggest Fan, who is grounded. She is kind and generous and quick to say, yep, mistakes happen, no matter how well-intentioned you are, stuff happens. The Monger-BFF shield keeps us trapped in defensiveness, anxiety, and doubt. No matter how much we read, listen, or watch until we recognize our childhood programming of keeping up appearances and start giving ourselves genuine kindness for being human, we will stay trapped.

Two Lies Keeping You Stuck

This week has been particularly challenging for a variety of reasons, both physically and emotionally. My friend has texted me every day to see how I am doing and remind me to be kind to myself.

When I read her text yesterday and saw the "be kind" sentiment, I thought yeah, yeah, yeah... be kind... blech. Then I thought, "You say those words all the freakin' time to your clients, but how can you be kind when you are feeling crappy?!"

After I texted my friend to thank her for the reminder, I thought about it more. Here are a few of those thoughts:

Being kind to yourself feels unnatural.

How sad is that!? But when I practice being kind to myself, my first reaction is a bit like:

"What is happening here?!" Followed by..."No, no, no, this doesn't seem right." And then finally, "Oh yes, wow, that feels good."

It feels unnatural because we have been taught two truths:

1. That your worthiness is linked to your productivity.

2. The meaner you are to yourself, the more productive you are.

Even writing those two lines makes me cringe because they are vicious lies even though they feel like truths.

You can sub in a number of words for productivity (e.g., beauty, shape, grades, job title, parenting), but no matter what word you choose, we have been sold the lie that our worthiness is linked to something and the only way to get that something is to be mean to ourselves.

It is those two beliefs that need to be changed. They are like knots that need to be loosened so they aren't so tight and controlling. And the only way to loosen those knots is to start noticing when they show up and be kind.

"Okay, so how do you loosen those knots, Nancy Jane?? You are the one who is always saying be kind to yourself!" says my Monger.

I know the more you are reminded to be kind to yourself, the more it will sink in (just like my friend texting it to me every day this week).

This brings me to my next thought:

Being kind takes practice.

I realized this week that I have been practicing being kind for a while. When I first started, I didn't even know I had a kind voice. I didn't think my Biggest Fan existed! I have cultivated her through practice, and yet, even now, there are good weeks and bad weeks. There are days I excel at it and days I fail miserably. Some days it feels 100% natural, and some days my Monger chimes in with, "Seriously, what is this hippy-dippy crap. Stop being such a wimp and get to work." And even on those days, when my Monger is at her worst, I know my Biggest Fan isn't gone—she's just a little blocked by my Monger.

So what does that practice look like? How do you catch yourself in those two lies? It is simple to describe but very hard to do.

Notice when you look in the mirror and think, yuck, and come in with that voice of kindness saying, "I know you wish you had no wrinkles, but come on, you have earned every one of those wrinkles by laughing too hard and concentrating too much. Is life about wrinkles or experiences?"

Or when your body says it needs to rest in the middle of the day and your Monger comes in to say, "Get at it or you are going to get fired," pause to hear that voice of kindness that says, "Ugh, being tired and having work to get done is so hard, but let's be honest, you are not going to get fired. You are awesome at this job, and the deadline for this project is next week, so there is time." Or "What if you took a nap for 10 minutes? Just lay your head down on the desk and sleep." Or "I can finish this project tonight after the kids go to bed. I am going to curl up with them and zone out to a movie right now."

• Notice your Monger talking.

• Acknowledge how hard it is to be kind to yourself.

• Remember the two lies and that you don't want to live under their spell anymore.

• Brainstorm other reasons/alternatives to the Monger's scenario.

This is what I do. What do you do? How do you practice being kind to yourself? What have you found that works?

Being kind is challenging. It feels unnatural, and it is not what we have been told to do. We need as many ideas as possible to change these two lies and establish new truths.

When We Use Praise to Ease Our Anxiety

Earlier this week, a client* reached out to me via Voxer. We have been working on recognizing when her Monger was talking and then bringing in her Biggest Fan.

I suggested she try one of my favorite techniques: When you notice your Monger talking, grab a piece of paper and write down everything she says. Yes, it will be nasty and mean, which is exactly the point — for you to see in writing just how nasty and mean you are to yourself. Then, grab another piece of paper and write what your Biggest Fan might say in response.

So, for example:

Monger: I am going to fail at this work project.

Biggest Fan: What do you need to do to succeed at this work project? (i.e., advice, insight, more time)

Later that day, my client Voxed me back to say she did the exercise, and it worked! She was so excited to have heard from her Biggest Fan and to see the results of our work together. She felt amazing!

However, later that week, she Voxed me to say she kind of missed the drama of the Monger and the BFF going back and forth.

"Is this normal?" she asked. "I mean, I am working with you to get to know my Biggest Fan more to decrease my anxiety, and I am doing just that, and yet, it feels wrong. Am I just never going to be happy?!"

I knew what she was talking about. This is something that always happens to me, to my clients, and to every single person I have worked with. We miss the drama of the Monger and the BFF.

It isn't crazy; it is understandable. We have had a relationship with this voice for most of our lives, so of course, you are going to miss it. These voices are familiar, and yes, sometimes that familiarity breeds comfort. Not to mention how much drama and distraction she brings into your life.

This phenomenon comes from three principles you learn growing up:

1. Your thoughts, needs, and feelings are not as important as other's thoughts, needs, and feelings. Therefore, you should always listen to what others think, need, and feel and try to make them as happy and fulfilled as possible. After all, when we succeed in fulfilling another's expectations, we might be praised, and that praise is A.MA.Z.I.N.G., and that amazing feeling from praise eases our anxiety.

2. The only way to get that praise is by listening to the shaming and belittling voice of our Monger because she also keeps us believing that #1 is true.

3. When we get tired of being the "good girl" and trying to fulfill everyone else's thoughts, feelings, and needs, we bring in the BFF (the voice of self-indulgence) to rebel and have a little fun.

And around and around we go. Feeling anxious, seeking praise to ease that anxiety, listening to the Monger, and then wanting to rebel so we start listening to the BFF to ease the pressure.

So breaking that pattern is hard, which is why the simple self-help advice to "change your thoughts" or "just breathe" gets so frustrating. Those techniques are not healing the familiarity, the comfort, the well-worn pattern of using external praise to ease anxiety. This is why my work has a two-fold approach.

First, we do the basics:

1. Recognize your Monger's voice is talking.

2. Distinguish the BFF voice from your Monger's voice.

3. Building up the voice of the Biggest Fan.

While we are doing those three things, we also strengthen the power of internal praise—building self-loyalty. The more I do this work, and the more I work with High Functioning Anxiety and Mongers, the more I see the key is self-loyalty. Trusting yourself.

Knowing that your viewpoint, wants, needs, values, and perspective are important, and when it comes to living your life, they are more important than the other. 

So what did I say to my client when she said she missed her Monger and her BFF?

I said, "Of course you do! You have spent your whole life listening to them and believing them. Now we are building a new relationship with your Biggest Fan, and from the perspective of our Monger and BFF, this kind, wise voice is a boring buzz-kill. But we have already established their perspectives don't have our best interest at heart."

This work takes time, so be patient and stick with it. Life is so much better without the Monger being in charge. Life is so much better without anxiety running the show. It is so satisfying to hear our Biggest Fan's kind, trusted voice instead of the mean, shaming Monger's voice.

* This example is a composite of clients, not just one.

What if You Stopped Assuming You Are Always Wrong?

The turn of the new year was clunky for me. Clunkier than usual. We had a crazy few weeks leading up to the holidays, and, of course, the holidays are always crazy (in a fun, seeing family, lots of together time, still overwhelming kind of way), so we took the last week of the year to do nothing. Netflix and the couch was how we spent our week, eating, sleeping, and lounging. It was the perfect way to end the year, and exactly what I needed, so I was surprised when the start of the new year felt bumpy.

Although I am not a fan of resolutions, the new year brings a chance to reflect and make plans for the coming year. (A helpful reminder that this can happen at any time; it doesn’t just have to be once a year.) One thing I knew I wanted to change was my focus on my to-do list. By the end of December, my to-do list and schedule were guiding my life. I had no idea what day of the week it was; I just knew to look at my schedule and check the next thing off my list. As you know, this is no way to live. It feels comfortable, but you miss so much of your life living this way.

The last few weeks of December felt like I was surviving and just getting it done. Not surprisingly, my anxiety was high. I had doubled down on my old survival mechanisms, and although from time to time I was practicing A.S.K and checking in with my coping skills, for the most part, I was just surviving.

As the heaviness of December left and I was looking at a fresh new year, I knew I had to make some changes, but I didn’t know what they would be. And then one day while walking the dog (I swear my best insights come while walking the dog!), I thought to myself: What if you didn’t assume you were always wrong? It was one of those whispers from my Biggest Fan. I immediately thought to myself, “that’s it!” That is what needs to change.

I realized that frequently my anxiety was high because my Monger was running the show with the message that whatever I was doing was wrong or I was going to do it wrong.

Meeting a client? I would do something wrong. 

Having lunch with a friend? I should be working, not socializing. Have you not seen the to-do list?

Going to the grocery store? I picked the WRONG time.

Writing a blog? I was going to say the WRONG thing. Too much or not enough. 

Everything I did was wrong, and it was getting old. So I decided my new saying was going to be, What if you didn’t assume you were going to do it wrong? And it was freeing.

Every day (many times a day) since this ah-ha in early January, I have been repeating this to myself, when I am doing something scary like networking or doing something easy like meeting a friend for lunch, and it has made a huge difference in my life. Slowly I am unhooking that default belief, so it is no longer default.

I share this message because maybe you need to hear the phrase, “Stop assuming everything you are doing is wrong.” Or maybe your message to yourself is something else. The part that most people miss about mantras, resolutions, or words of the year is they have to resonate with you. I mean, really resonate. To the core of your being, it has to fit.

I tried for days thinking about what I was struggling with: Was it standard Monger talk? Was it perfectionism? And finally, I stumbled upon this belief that of assuming that I was doing everything wrong. I now have a sticky note (you know I love sticky notes!) on my computer, and I try to repeat it to myself throughout the day. It has made a shift in me, if for no other reason than I realize how much it is the BELIEF that will always be wrong, not me.

It's Not About the Monger

Earlier this week, I had a great day. I had a few work successes and some amazing conversations. All and all, it was a good day, but I have to confess, good days are hard for me. Celebrating a win without naming where I can improve is challenging.

As I was cooking dinner, I realized my Monger was chiming in very loudly. As soon as I heard her, I started analyzing why she was so loud. What was she saying? Why was she saying it? I kept naming all the ways her message was unhelpful and acknowledged she always gets loud whenever I have some success. And that didn't help. Because it doesn't, analyzing your Monger (inner critic), trying to rationalize with her or figure her out, never helps. But this is what we do.

We spend a lot of time debating with her and trying to out-think her. I chat with my Coach in Your Pocket clients about this all the time. It isn't about your Monger. Once you hear your Monger chatting (which is the hard part), the next thing you do is bring in your Biggest Fan. And yet, we forget this rule all the time—even me, who teaches this stuff!! We are so comfortable listening to and debating the Monger that we forget to try to hear from that voice of wisdom and kindness.

So I took a deep breath, asked myself what I was feeling (fortunately, we have a feelings sheet hanging on our fridge), did a little wiggle in the kitchen, and asked to hear from my Biggest Fan. Her voice came in saying, "Girl, it was a great day! Yep, it feels unnatural to have a great day, but we got this. We are doing the work, and, yes, some days you will feel like a fraud, and that's normal. Just keep doing great work. One foot in front of the other." Almost immediately, I felt better.

We convince ourselves we are "doing the work" and "figuring it out" when analyzing the Monger. I used to have clients spend a lot of time on their Monger—drawing her, naming her, really getting to know her. And I was wrong. It isn't about the Monger.

Once you recognize your Monger is talking, stop listening to her, stop trying to figure out why she is talking, stop giving her your energy. Practice A.S.K. and listen for that quiet voice of kindness and wisdom.

Listen for the Biggest Fan. It is a game-changer.

To Being Human

When I first started blogging, I would write bits of wisdom like "love yourself no matter what" or "stop competing with yourself."

We KNOW these things. We KNOW we should love ourselves no matter what and be our biggest cheerleaders. And there are thousands of articles out there telling us the same things over and over in different ways. How many times have you read these common tips?

Love yourself no matter what.

Set solid boundaries.

Take time to listen to yourself.

Live in the present moment.

If I were to write an article about these things, you would nod along and say, yes, of course, it makes sense. And then you would go out into the world and do your life as you always do it.

A big part of my job is saying, "but how?"

But how do you love yourself no matter what when you believe you have so much to work on? 

But how do you set solid boundaries and consistently hold them without feeling like a selfish bitch? 

But how do you listen to yourself when you have input coming in from all over all the time?

But how do you live in the present moment when you have 50,000 things coming at you at once?

The problem with all this advice? It is impossible to do consistently.

You are working against biology, genetics, trauma, and hard-wired survival mechanisms. Saying to someone the key to life is loving yourself no matter what, saying the key to life is consistently living debt-free with $500,000 in savings. It sounds good. It sounds like a great idea. And we all know it is impossible, so we don't even try.

That is what the self-help industry is doing to us. And those of us with High Functioning Anxiety are more prone to believe it.

The one thing we consistently look for is an answer to relieve our pain. And if the answer is these four things, we will try our hardest to accomplish them. At least we will talk a good game, discussing the importance of loving yourself no matter what. But we don't do it. Because doing it consistently is impossible.

Now you might be thinking, "Why should I keep reading? Why try to be happier if it is impossible?" Great question.

The key to living debt-free is making small, intentional decisions every day to be smart with your money. Some days you might be amazing with those decisions, and some days you might fail. But the key is to consistently make decisions that put you on a path of living debt-free.

The key to having less anxiety is making small, intentional decisions every day to be kind to yourself. To see yourself not as the enemy that needs to be punished and beaten into submission but rather as the only being you will be with for the rest of your life. You and your thoughts, feelings, ideas, actions, doubts, fears, quirks, likes, dislikes, joys, movements, all of you are who you will be with forever.

So rather than constantly trying to change you, let's try to be curious about you. 

The next time you make a mistake, instead of saying some version of, "you are such an idiot," say, "Wow, I just messed that up. What can I do to fix it? Who do I need to make amends to? How can I make sure it doesn't happen in the future?"

And most likely, after you answer those questions and take the necessary action, the "you are such an idiot" phrase will come back. So kindly say to yourself some version of, "Yep, I made a mistake. It sucks to make a mistake. But, I am human, and occasionally humans mess up from time to time, even me." On repeat. Over and over. Trying as hard as possible to focus on the behavior, not the worthiness factor.

When you do something amazing, rather than ignoring it or minimizing it as you tend to do, say to yourself, "Wow, I did that amazing thing. Go me! I make mistakes, and I do amazing things, all one big human being over here."

Recognizing the mistakes and the victories as being human helps us become more kind to ourselves and takes the pressure off. Too often, we are so focused on being perfect and doing it right; we forget we are human.

Are You Listening to an Old Soundtrack?

Today I want to explore those thoughts and beliefs that we hold dear.

In many ways, they are like old songs that we play over and over. Maybe they were messages we received as children or based on experiences we have had. Maybe they are just inexplicably there. These thoughts and beliefs become well-worn paths in our neurology. They become neuronal pathways that we need to re-program.

Here are some examples:

• A friend disappoints you, and your Monger chimes in to remind you, “You can’t count on people. They always let you down.”

• A colleague asks you to chair the committee for a group you believe in, and your Monger reminds you, “You can’t lead. This isn’t going to go well at all.”

• Now that you are in your 30s and 40s, your life has taken a wildly different path than you thought in your teens and 20s. So now, whenever you are feeling down, you think to yourself: “See, you should have chased that dream of becoming a movie star. Instead, you settled in this life of being a parent, a spouse, and living in middle America. You sold out.”

All of these examples contain stories that your Monger tells you to protect you. To keep yourself safe from pain, shame, or disappointment. They aren’t merely excuses or limiting beliefs. They are stories that served a purpose. And that purpose might not be serving you anymore.

The challenge is, it is an unconscious process. Anytime one of these old stories gets triggered, your Monger puts a dollar in the jukebox and starts playing the same old song. The key is to catch the old song playing and pick a new song.

Let’s look at the examples again:

The “you can’t count on people” song

When you were in college, you went through some pretty painful breakups with friends. As a result, you learned some harsh lessons about how people can disappoint you. Now 20 years later, you are still using that lens to see all the relationships in your life. So when a friend disappoints you, your Monger (who remembers everything) automatically reverts to that old line, “You can’t count on people,” and you head down the path of feeling rejected and alone.

Every time someone disappoints you (which, by the way, is bound to happen because people are human and disappointment happens), your Monger starts playing the “you can’t count on people” song. Remind yourself that yes, you were disappointed in college, and yes, it was really painful, but now life is different, your friendships are different, and your coping skills are different. You got this. Shaming yourself and yelling at yourself for having limiting beliefs or making excuses won’t help. That will just make you feel crappier.

The “you can’t lead” song

Again, when you were in your early 20s, you tried to lead a group, and it was a disaster. Now you lead regularly as a manager at work and in other groups, you are a part of. Most of your peers would call you a leader. So this message is a very old song that your Monger repeatedly plays every time a leadership opportunity comes around.

Your self-talk is so important. To give yourself the kindness that yes, there was a time when leading did not go well. And now you are older and wiser and have much more experience. You learned from that disaster, and you are a better leader because of it. (Side note: you will have to say that to yourself repeatedly because your Monger will continually play the same old “you suck as a leader” song.)

The “you sold out” song

This is a standard song I hear my clients say. Whenever they are feeling stuck, disappointed, or insecure about their lives, their Monger will step in to say, “See, if only you wouldn’t have sold out, you would be happier.” This song is the worst because it does keep us stuck. There is nothing you can do about this song because it is in the past.

When you hear this song playing, remind yourself that yes, you made different decisions. You became a spouse and a parent and realized that pursuing the dreams of your teens and 20s would require sacrifices you weren’t willing to make at the time. Given where you are now, what can you do differently? Is there a part of that dream you can pursue now? Is there a different dream you want to pursue? What is the new song you want to play?

When you start paying attention to these old songs, you will be surprised by how often they show up. Be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up for surviving all this time isn’t helpful and honestly makes it worse.

Remind yourself that you have lived through some tough, disappointing times, and you can do hard things again. When you hear a familiar soundtrack playing, remind yourself that it is an old song, you are wiser now, and there might be newer versions that you want to listen to. And as always, be kind.

How do I Talk Nicer to Myself?

Years ago, when I started teaching about the Monger and 'that negative voice in my head,' I would spend a lot of time talking about the Monger and never talked about the counter to the Monger, what I now call the Biggest Fan. Truthfully, this is because my Biggest Fan's voice was so quiet, so I didn't know how to 'teach others to hear it. I knew how to recognize the Monger. I was VERY familiar with her voice and her negativity, but the Biggest Fan, that voice of kindness and wisdom, she was almost a whisper. 

One of the top questions I get is, ok, how do I hear from the Biggest Fan? What does her voice even SOUND like? 

Here are a few tips I have learned to help bring in her voice. 

Slow down. Your Biggest Fan's voice is calm and quiet, and often, it is hard to hear it over the noise in our heads. We have to slow down to hear her voice. This means not multi-tasking, feel your body, aka remind yourself you have a body.

Pick a term of endearment that she can say.  I love the term of endearment 'Sweet Pea', so I start talking to myself, saying, "Ok, Sweet Pea, what do you need?" "Oh, Sweet Pea man, oh man, that just sucks" Just hearing that term of endearment brings a giant exhale to my body, and then I can fill in the rest of the sentence. Pick a name that works for you, "Dear," "Pumpkin," "Lovey," "Sweetheart," "Girlfriend," etc.

Look in the mirror. I noticed a few months ago when I would go to the bathroom and wash my hands. I wouldn't look at myself in the mirror. Now I use that bathroom time as a time to connect with my Biggest Fan. As I am washing my hands, I will look at myself in the mirror. I will look at my eyes and say silently to myself, "Hello there, Sweet Pea. How is your day going?" When I started doing this, I would inevitably tear up because I was longing for that connection with myself, that ability to really SEE me and not just live solely in my head. 

Practice using AND.  Using AND is a great place to start because sometimes it is hard to be 100% kind to ourselves. We can say, "ugh, today sucked, AND you don't have to beat yourself up about it. Or "I dropped the ball in that meeting, AND I was able to answer Linda's question, so the whole thing wasn't terrible. Saying AND doesn't mean whitewashing away the negative side. It allows you to acknowledge both the bad and the good. 

Talk to yourself like you would your 16-year-old niece. When you are in the midst of a full-on Monger attack and can't get out of it, think of your 16-year-old niece (even if you don't have one, imagine her) and tell her what you think she needs to hear. I love the idea of your niece rather than your daughter or your best friend because we talk differently to our nieces. We love them with all our hearts and want what is best for them, but we aren't 'responsible for molding them and shaping them. Similarly, we need to be talking to ourselves with kindness and wisdom, not instruction or advice — just good old-fashioned love. 

Would you Treat Your Daughter Like That?

What is wrong with you?

Just sit down and do it.

Quit whining.

Why do you make everything so dramatic?

Get a grip.

Get over yourself.

Those are just a few of the statements I said to myself recently while I was experiencing writer's block. Mean, nasty stuff. To say the least, it wasn't very motivating.

I realized that day how often I abandon myself. How often I hang myself out to dry. And if I don't have my back, who does?

I see it all the time with clients. They come into my office and share how they wish their husband was more supportive or more loving. At some point, I will ask them, "How supportive and loving are you to yourself?" And they look at me with a strange expression. And I go on to say, "If YOU can't be loving to yourself or support yourself, how can you expect to welcome it from your husband?"

It is true. So often, we blame others for not giving us the right things when we can't even give it to ourselves. We are frustrated that our spouses abandon us when we abandon ourselves every day.

My favorite question to ask is, "Would you treat your daughter like that?" Even if you don't have a daughter, you can visualize a young female who you want to grow up to be a confident woman.

Would you say to her:

What is wrong with you?

Just sit down and do it!

Quit whining.

Why do you make everything so dramatic?

Get a grip.

Get over yourself.

If she came to you saying she was struggling with writing a paper for school?

No, you would probably say, "Okay, is there anything you are nervous about? Let's sit down and set the timer for 15 minutes, and you start writing anything you want to. Or if you write for 30 minutes, you can have 15 minutes to do anything you want."

In the new responses, you show up for your daughter. You meet her where she is and lovingly encourage her to do better. You don't give her a pass. And you don't belittle her into action.

Try it. When you catch yourself abandoning you, ask yourself: "Would I treat my daughter like that? What would I say to her?"