Unhealthy Ways to Speak Our Needs
I am a HUGE believer in speaking up for yourself. You have to not only know what you need but know how to speak up for it. Unfortunately, many of us weren’t taught how to speak up for ourselves growing up, so we learned many unhealthy coping mechanisms to get around speaking our needs.
Here are some of the most common tactics for getting around needs.
Passive Aggressive: Agreeing to do something and then sabotaging it later—being late, doing a half-assed job, punishing your partner for the tiniest thing.
Keeping Score: You don’t ever stress about having to ask for a need because you have a running tally in your head. When a need arises, you check the running tally and say to yourself, “Well, I did this for him, so he has to do that for me.” You justify the need by keeping score.
Bait and Switch: I confess I am guilty of this one. So you ask for one thing and then later fill in what you really want. You say to yourself, spouse, “Can you run to the grocery store to get milk?” And then she says yes, and you respond with, “Oh, and can you also get eggs, butter, spinach, and bread?” or you say, “I want to go to this party this weekend.” And then on the way there, you add, “By the way, there are going to be 100 people there, and you won’t know any of them.”
Expecting a Mind Read: Saying, “I’m fine” when you aren’t and expecting your partner to pick up that something is wrong. Hinting through your tone of voice or veiled comments that you need someone to do something for you.
Dancing Around it. You want someone to come over, so you say, “Remember the last time you came over, wasn’t that fun?” You don’t directly ask for the need but dancing all around it. Linda might say, “Wow, I am so tired from work today. It would be nice if dinner just magically appeared.”
Shut Down and Pout. When mind reading goes wrong, and the need doesn’t get met—you respond by shutting down and pouting. When your loved ones ask, “Is something wrong?” Your response is, “I am fine. Nothing is wrong,” when obviously something is wrong. You might stop talking to your husband altogether or go on a protest by not doing the laundry for a week.
The Super Giver: You give and give and give seemingly without needs. You might not recognize that you have needs. Suddenly you are just DONE, and you take everyone by surprise by blowing up and storming out. Pay attention to how much you deflect your needs into caretaking rather than speaking up for yourself.
Recognize yourself in one of these--you are not alone. Here are some ways to speak your needs in a healthy way.