What is Really Behind All that Drama?

In the past, I have written about how insults can be more about them. Today I want to draw attention to the fact that we often get defensive and indignant about what someone said to us rather than looking at why that particular comment felt insulting. When your first reaction to someone is, "what a bitch, I can't believe she said that to me." It might be time for you to go against your first impulse to stir up a bunch of drama and pause and get curious about yourself.

Let's look at Julie and Susan.

Julie has to give a presentation for work. She knows the content, but she struggled with using technology to display her presentation. Julie was up most of the night beating herself up about how lack of technology know-how. She did the presentation, and it went well! Julie is pleased with how well it was received despite her technology ignorance. After the presentation, one of Julie's co-workers comes up to her and says, "nice job on that presentation, you nailed it. There are tons of new technologies when it comes to presentation software. If you want, I can help you next time." Her first reaction is, "What a bitch! Who does she think she is? I can't believe she had the nerve to say that to me."

Julie then runs to another co-worker and re-tells the story (maybe embellishing for effect), who is equally stunned and fuels Julie's anger. Because of all the drama, Julie's day is ruined. She totally lost sight of the fact that she nailed the presentation and made her co-worker (who was trying to help) into a raging bitch.

Now let's do that scenario a little differently, this time with Susan.

Susan gave a presentation for work, and even though she struggles a bit with technology, she muddled through Powerpoint and feels good. Even though she knows she has more to learn, she did a fantastic job considering how little she understands technology. She worked hard and prepared, and it paid off. After the presentation, Susan is feeling fabulous. One of her co-workers comes up to her and says, "Nice job on that presentation, you nailed it. There are a lot of new technologies when it comes to presentation software if you want, I can help you next time."

"Great!" Susan says. "I would love the help. I need to learn about technology. Thank you for the offer."

There are two concepts to pull from these stories.

One: We tend to get 'triggered' by someone's feedback when we are already beating ourselves up about the topic. The fact that Julie was feeling sensitive about her technology ignorance resulted in her feeling threatened by the offer to help. In that scenario, Julie's Monger became the co-worker. Even though Julie's co-worker was nice and helpful, Julie probably heard, "Wow, you really suck at technology. I could totally help you, but you might be a lost cause".

Two: Because we tend to get triggered by our own 'stuff, it is important to recognize when we get triggered AND then do a check-in to see--is this really about me? After Julie leaves the meeting and has chatted with her co-worker, her first reaction might not be to run to tell a friend but rather to stop and ask herself, "What else is going on? My reaction is way more intense than what she said to me."

Scenarios like this are why we must have good friends, so when Julie goes to share the story with a friend, rather than jumping on board and soaking up the drama, a good friend would say, "Hey, that seems like a nice offer from your co-worker, why did it trigger you so much?"

Sometimes we hear our Monger in what other people are saying. Next time you notice yourself causing drama and stirring the pot--ask what else is happening here?