It's the Holiday Season: Expectations of Perfection

Yesterday, as I was decorating the front of my house with lights and pine garland (a new tradition), I thought about the holiday season. It is a time filled with traditions, events, gatherings, etc. In other words, it is a time that is loaded with expectations of perfection. It is a time when the bar is set high: when the cookies have to be perfect, the parties have to be merry, and the gifts have to be meaningful. Over the past few years, I have become more cynical about my holidays. I use to be a big holiday girl. I was little Ms. Christmas. I knew all the traditions and made sure my family completed each one to perfection. Then that got old, it is exhausting to constantly be trying to hit the expectation, trying to make each year better than the last: more merry, more joyful, more special. So I admit I became a tiny bit of Ms. Scrooge. I still pretended I was a big Christmas fan, but inside I was tired, tired of the traditions, tired of the 'shoulds,' tired of running from party to party, tired of finding the perfect gift, just tired of forcing merry on to myself.

Then I had a brainstorm, what if I just enjoyed the holiday? What if I didn't worry about all the expectations and traditions? What if I just engaged in the activities/parties/events/people with whom I wanted to spend my holidays? What if I stopped running around and enjoyed the holiday? This slight shift has made a tremendous difference in my holiday world view. So this holiday season, I am challenging you to simplify, simplify, simplify. As the saying goes: Remember the reason for the season. Whether the holidays are religious or secular for you, I think we can all agree a reason for this season is to remind ourselves of the simplicity in peace and joy. It isn't about finding the perfect gift, wearing the perfect outfit, or throwing a perfect tradition-filled party. It is about celebrating a time when the world is a little more joyful, when lights are aglow, hot cocoa is savored, and family and friends gather. It is about being in the holiday and experiencing the many joys it has to offer.

This year I challenge you to let go of your expectations and your traditional perfection. View the holiday season with new eyes. Recognize you have choices in how you want to spend your holiday season: whether that be running from party to party or enjoying a hot toddy next to the tree. Simplify and enjoy. May this Holiday Season bring you a wonderful mixture of peace and joy.

Take Care of the Little One

In the self-help world, a lot is written about 'healing the inner child.' The basic theory being that we all have a little boy/girl inside of us who occasionally comes out even when we are adults. The self-help world has taken the theory and run with it in a negative light. Rather than being an interesting theory that we can use to grow and change, it has become a method to explain away negative behavior and turned into a hokey self-help concept. (ok, now stepping down from my soapbox)

I am a fan of the basic concept of the inner child. My Little One comes out from time to time; she gets scared and insecure and even throws temper tantrums. Frequently, this Little One comes out to 'play' when we are triggered by something, a scary event, a family gathering, death, or something that takes us back to our early years. When I notice that I am overly insecure or scared about an event, I will put my hands over my heart and say to my Little One, "You know what? I got this. You don't need to worry about it. I am an adult, and I can handle this one." Immediately it feels as if I have taken a giant sigh of relief. It is a good exercise because :

A. It brings awareness around the fear

B. it reminds me that hey, I am an adult here, and I CAN handle this situation

C. it quiets the inner insecurities.

Last year, I worked with a client I will call Jill, who was going through a divorce. After 20 years of marriage, her husband decided he was done and had found someone else. Jill was left with three children and no idea who she was or what came next. Jill and I did a lot of work helping her figure out what she needed and who she was. As Jill was going through all these changes and making a lot of decisions she never had to make before, her Little One would come out frequently. Jill started paying attention to her Little One, noticing when she would come out (usually after a conversation with her ex or when she had to take charge of a situation). Gradually she started gently talking to her Little One, and as Jill developed her confidence in her decisions and skills, her Little One became less and less powerful. Jill said to me, "I think I have been living most of my life letting Little Jill make the decisions from a place of an 8-year-old rather than Adult Jill." I agreed with her, and I think many of us let our Little Ones (our insecurities, fears, or anger) control our lives.

The next time you start feeling scared or insecure, do a check-in with yourself--has your Little One come out to play? Are you viewing the world from the eyes of a six-year-old? And if the answer is yes, place your hands on your heart and gradually start talking to your Little One and assuring them all is well. You got this. You are a grown-up. Our Little Ones are there for a reason to help us see that life is scary, and we do have insecurities. And it is our role as adults to comfort the Little One and then move through the fear so we can Live Happier.

Embrace the Mess--Holding Both

The biggest (and at times, hardest) lesson I have learned is life isn't black and white. Life is a big, colorful mess. Life is full of emotions, thoughts, and needs, few of which we can put neatly in a box or precisely label. In fact, sometimes, two opposite extremes are usually true: you love your partner, AND you are frustrated with him/her. You support your child in playing a sport, AND you are worried about his/her safety. You like your job, AND you are having a bad day. You are sad your parents are getting older, AND you enjoy every moment you spend with them. We have opposite extremes all the time--a friend of mine calls it 'holding both.' We are holding two extremes of being happy and sad or frustrated and thankful.

When we embrace the concept of 'holding both,' we can fully experience life. I have a client I will call her Sara who recently lost her mother to cancer. When she first came to see me, her mother had just been diagnosed. 

Throughout the process of her mom's death, which was relatively quick, I encouraged her to hold both--to express her sadness at losing her mom and feeling the gratitude of the moments when she and her mom laughed and shared. After her mom had died, Sara said that if she hadn't had the concept of holding both, she would have missed many special moments with her mom.

Examples of holding both happen all the time in our day to day lives: 

• being frustrated at a co-worker and understanding why they messed up,

• being sad about a loss of a job and relieved that you didn't get it,

• being angry at your partner and sympathetic at the same time.

Frequently we try to squelch one of the feelings because it doesn't fit into a black and white world, or it isn't logical. Well, my friend, life is not logical. Life is messy, full of contrasts and conflicts; it is rich in color. Be curious and supportive of all your emotions, all the many colors you experience in your life!