Racing Thoughts At Night And How To Stop Them

After a long stressful day of overworking myself and getting all the things done that I needed, all I want to do is lay in bed and get the rest that my mind and body desperately need, but I can’t get these racing thoughts out of my mind. I try reading a book and even counting sheep, but nothing seems to work.

If you also struggle with your mind racing at night, you may be wondering - where are these thoughts even coming from? I thought the same thing myself for a very long time before I figured it out.

What I learned is that I have anxiety, but not just a general anxiety disorder, I struggle with high functioning anxiety (HFA), and you may, too.

People with HFA have anxiety but they’re still able to function despite how severe it is. In fact, they usually overwork themselves because they have too high of expectations for themselves and are constantly striving for perfection. Sound familiar?

Dealing with my own anxious late night thoughts can seem like an impossible task sometimes. With the right tools, it’s possible to quiet your internal monologue that keeps you awake at night.

What Causes Racing Thoughts at Night?

You feel restless at night because your mind is thinking about all the other things you still need to do, things you didn’t complete, or how you didn’t do something right based on your own standards. You may even replay conversations in your mind trying to figure out how you could have handled the situation better. 

As over-functioners, we’re always focused on the next task because we base our value on how “successful” we are at getting things done. This can lead us towards incessant thoughts that keep us up in the middle of the night. 

It’s a vicious cycle that leads us to overwork ourselves which, in turn, makes us exhausted or burned out. So even while we’re lying in our beds at night trying to get the rest that we so desperately need, we still can’t get our minds to turn off.

The root cause of racing thoughts at night isn’t that you woke up in the middle of the night—it’s that you’re struggling to accept these thoughts as irrational. If you give yourself the grace and compassion you give others, you’re likely to realize that most of these thoughts aren’t true and your worth as a human being isn’t tied to these values.

How To Stop Racing Thoughts At Night

I know how easy it is for people with HFA to ignore their anxiety and emotions and pretend like everything is fine, but doing this will actually just make things worse. Ignoring our feelings makes them pent up inside of us and explode over time. 

We should be taking the time to recognize what we’re feeling and accept all of our emotions when they arise, including when we wake up in the middle of the night. Of course this can be more easily said than done!

Instead of pushing an emotion away like you normally would, just remember that the emotion is harmless; it’s our action in response to the emotion that can cause harm. So when you feel your anxiety building, don’t be afraid to feel - accepting the emotions you’re feeling allows you to get more comfortable with them over time and learn how to deal with them in a healthy and productive way.

When you allow yourself to feel your emotions, you can start reflecting on what may have caused them in the first place. Our anxiety is often linked to something or someone so when that trigger gets brought up, we start feeling our anxiety spiral.

Once we identify those triggers we can start making a plan to work through them so they don’t bother us as much anymore. This won’t happen overnight. I’ll admit it takes time to work through your anxiety and triggers and find something that works for you.

One thing I encourage myself and my clients to try are mindfulness hacks, similar to meditations. Now, I know the idea of sitting with your thoughts can be anxiety-inducing which is why I took the time to develop some simple but effective hacks for those that suffer with anxiety and over-functioning like me. Some of these can be done during the night when you’re experiencing racing thoughts or throughout the day to help relax pent up emotions before you go to sleep.

• Take three deep breaths. Inhale to a 4 count, hold for 7, exhale to a count of 8, and repeat 4 times

• Go for a slow walk and coordinate your breath with your steps. You can do this anywhere, even from the comfort of your own home

• Take a breath and analyze your 5 senses to bring you immediately back to the present moment

• Anxiety is proven to cause physical problems so doing something as simple as stretching throughout the day can relieve some stress and tension you might not have even known about

• Repeat a mantra in your head whenever your mind starts to wander throughout the day

You can try these hacks out for yourself and the great thing about them? You don’t have to spend forever on these hacks to get the benefits, sometimes even just a few seconds will do the trick.

Stop Your Racing Thoughts With Help From An Anxiety Coach

You don’t have to experience racing thoughts forever. There are some great actionable steps you can take on your own to try and stop your anxiety from clouding your mind at night. I’ve found that most of the issues behind racing thoughts during the night actually stem from our waking hours.

My one-on-one coaching services offer a more personable approach so we can work together and make a plan tailored for you and your anxiety. I also offer a self-guided course that lets you learn more about HFA from the comfort of your home and at your own pace.

Schedule a free consultation with me to learn more about how you can work through your anxiety and deal with racing thoughts at night.

You Think You’re Depressed - But Maybe You Have Anxiety

Did you know anxiety and depression are the most common mental illnesses? They’re considered different conditions but it is possible for people to have both. In fact, having both anxiety and depression at the same time happens quite a lot. 

People who struggle with depression may feel really sad for a long time, usually more than a few months, and might sleep a lot more because they lack energy and motivation to do anything. Alternatively, people who struggle with anxiety are often worrying about the future, feeling on edge, and sometimes even deal with panic attacks. While there are scales of severity to both anxiety and depression, you can experience both feelings at the same time or during the same time period.

You may think you’re suffering with depression because you’re burnt out on work, exhausted all the time, or feel like you’re stuck in a rut. These are all common feelings associated with depression but what you might not know is that these symptoms could actually be indicating something completely different, like high functioning anxiety (HFA).

People with HFA struggle with unrealistic expectations of themselves, over-estimating how much they can get done, and constantly pushing themselves to do more. Sometimes, they push themselves a little too hard, to the point where they feel totally burnt out. If HFA goes untreated, it may even cause depression in some people. 

Figuring out the root cause of your feelings of anxiety or depression can help you figure out what kind of help you need. For instance, a common treatment for anxiety is meditation because an anxious person may need to take time out of their day to relax. Someone with major depression, however, may need to find some motivation to get up and get moving.

No matter what you struggle with, you can always find help. To know what help you need, understanding the difference between anxiety and depression can help point you in the right direction.

What Is Major Depression?

Feeling sad after losing something or being disappointed is a pretty normal feeling for everyone. The difference between little d depression and Big D clinical depression is the length and depth of those feelings. 

Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) is when those sad thoughts and feelings are persistent for a long period of time. These feelings can also be a lot more intense than typical “sad” feelings. Most clinical definitions of MDD involve at least two weeks of feeling depressed for the majority of the time. When depression spans multiple years, it can become Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD).

It’s a healthy and normal response to feel sad, for example, when we lose a sports game or when someone says something hurtful. Over time we learn to move on and function in the real world, but that’s harder to do for people with MDD. In fact, that’s one of the key differences between being sad and having depression.

MDD often gets triggered by a significant event in our lives and is usually characterized by mental and physical changes. Examples of these changes could include:

• You’re tired a lot more and don’t have the energy to do anything

• You know you should eat but you have no appetite, even if you haven’t eaten anything all day

• Your appetite increases a lot and you eat way more than usual

• You start forgetting things, even really important things

• You cry all the time and can’t seem to make it stop

• You feel numb, like you can’t feel anything at all

Did you notice that some symptoms seemed like polar opposites of each other? It’s because MDD affects everyone differently. That’s why you should try to avoid comparing your symptoms to others and to also remember that just because someone isn’t exhibiting the same signs as you, doesn’t mean that they aren’t going through something, too. 

What Is High Functioning Anxiety?

You may think you’re depressed because you feel exhausted and drained, as if you’re stuck in the same patterns and can’t get out of a rut. Well, you may be surprised to hear that people with high functioning anxiety usually feel the same way. People with HFA may even feel a lot of the same emotions as someone with MDD.

People that struggle with HFA make it seem like they have everything figured out and people see them as hard-working and successful people because they have a “go-go-go” mentality, which actually helps them a lot. In fact, a high performance workplace is one of the most common places to find people with HFA and I’ve seen it time and time again with my own clients.

Unlike with a general anxiety disorder, these people function really well but they also tend to over-function. This could mean forcing yourself to work even though you need a break, not calling in sick because you don’t want to feel or be perceived as lazy, or not taking a long overdue vacation because even the thought of not going to work makes your anxiety spiral.

People with HFA try to keep up a cool, calm, and collected facade on the outside but are actually extremely anxious and exhausted on the inside. They want to take a break and relax but their anxiety will not let up. On top of that, they always feel like they’re “stuck in a rut” because they’re stuck in a cycle of constantly overworking and overthinking but trying to make it look like they’ve got everything under control.

This cycle repeats over and over until you’re left completely burnt out, which explains why you feel like you’re stuck in the same patterns and can never get out.

Can You Have Both Anxiety and Depression?

Yes, you can have both anxiety and depression, in fact this is a very common occurrence. The clinical term is called mixed anxiety depressive disorder (MADD) and it’s usually signaled when someone struggles with equally intense symptoms caused by both anxiety and depression - but that isn’t always the case. 

Sometimes the symptoms of anxiety can feel more intense than depression, or vice versa. It just depends on your situation and what triggers may arise from day-to-day.

In one study it was found that some people with MADD are more anxious and less depressed than people suffering with major depression. This could be the result of numerous factors, but one thing that I suspect impacts this outcome is high functioning anxiety, and here’s why.

People with HFA are constantly beating themselves up for not meeting the internal expectations they have for themselves. You know now that not meeting those internal expectations can cause anxiety to spiral, especially for over functioners, but what you might not know is that untreated HFA can cause depression in the long term. 

So while you might think you have both anxiety and depression, the reality for some people with HFA is that your anxiety is actually causing your depression. This happens because you’re constantly forcing yourself to overwork, beating yourself up over mistakes, and setting unrealistic expectations for yourself.

The good news is that once you identify your HFA and learn how to overcome your overfunctioning tendencies, you may start finding some relief from the symptoms of depression that have been causing you so much grief.

Work Through Anxious Depression With An Anxiety Coach

Talking through your mental and physical changes with someone who understands the differences between depression and anxiety may be exactly what you need in order to figure out what you’re really dealing with. 

If you find that you struggle with high functioning anxiety, you can use my coaching services to get the kindness, support, and strategy to work through your anxiety on a daily basis. You can also check out my self-guided course if you’re not quite ready to work one-on-one with an anxiety coach. The course is a great resource that helps you understand more about how your anxiety impacts you while also learning at your own pace.

Schedule a free consultation with me to learn more about anxiety and depression differences, take the first step towards finally breaking the never ending cycle, and getting your life on the track that you want.

How Trauma Can Impact Our Anxiety And Future

Trauma. It’s a big word that gets thrown around a lot these days. When we think about trauma most of us think about Big T trauma, which is trauma most of us would define as traumatic, abuse, serious injury, sexual violence, or life-threatening experiences.

There is also little t trauma. Little “t” traumas are highly distressing events that affect individuals on a personal level but don’t fall into the big “T” category. Examples of little “t” trauma include non-life-threatening injuries, emotional abuse, death of a pet, bullying or harassment, and loss of significant relationships. 

We all have varying capacities of coping with trauma. What is highly distressing to one person may not be to someone else, so the key to understanding little “t” trauma is to notice how it affects the individual rather than focusing on the event itself.

A majority of us have experienced some form of trauma (whether Big T or little t) in our lives, whether we realize it or not. So what does that mean for those of us who have experienced trauma and how does trauma affect a person?

What Is Trauma?

Trauma is best known as an emotional response to an incident or series of disturbing events that impact your emotional, mental, spiritual, social, or physical well-being. The impact of trauma typically has long-term effects on someone.

Here are some examples of long term effects of trauma:

• Shock and/or denial

• Increased anger and irritability

• Guilt and/or self-blame

• Isolation

• Numbness

• Nightmares, flashbacks, recurring memories

• Loss of energy

• Physical pain

These symptoms, along with many more, are all normal responses to experiencing trauma. Sometimes these effects will start to subside on their own but that isn’t always the case. Over time, the long lasting effects of trauma will build up our anxiety and start getting in the way of how we live our lives.

Trauma From an Early Age

When left untreated, trauma can affect you years later by building up inside us over time. That feeling may be the root cause of the anxiety you developed from a painful experience, and that can cause panic attacks, nightmares, midday flashbacks, and more. What’s worse is that this severe anxiety we develop from childhood can affect us years later.

Here are some common traits of the family’s my clients were raised in:

• There was a strong sense of right and wrong and punishment and reward. 

• A strong emphasis on appearances and looking good to the outside world.  

• As you grew up you learned that one way to get positive attention was through achieving, the more you succeeded the more attention you received and the busier you were the less you had to deal with the emotional upheaval.

• Loyalty to the family was super important. Keeping family secrets, honoring family ideals. The family was important. This is why you have a high loyalty value. Sometimes the loyalty to the family was so important that even as adults we can’t see the unhealthy ways we were taught.

• Clients have told me, “I remember as soon as I walked in the house I would start ‘reading the house’ to see what I needed to do to help.”  They will describe walking on eggshells in the house because there was a sense of instability and emotional upheaval.

In my childhood experience, this emotional upheaval led to feelings of anxiety, grief, and feeling out of control, but because it was emotionally unsafe I couldn’t talk about my feelings. So I shoved them down and ‘soldiered on’ and ‘practiced gratitude’ and ‘being positive’ so I could get through it. Eventually cutting myself off almost completely from any negative feelings. 

This isn’t about blame. Our parents did the best they could with what they had and they were imperfect people raising imperfect people.

How Trauma Affects People With High Functioning Anxiety

Anxiety is a pretty common feeling and happens to almost everyone. You may start feeling anxious before a big job interview, when you meet your in-laws for the first time, or when you have a lot of tasks you need to get done in one day. These are all examples of general healthy anxiety that show up in our daily lives and that we may have experienced ourselves. 

Often people that have high functioning anxiety (HFA) cope with the trauma they experienced by going into survival mode, ignoring their emotions, and focusing on accomplishments. They developed unhealthy coping skills to the trauma they were living in. 

Your anxiety might be manifesting because the old coping skills of hustle and ‘push harder’ just aren’t enough any more. The only way out is learning new coping skills and developing ways to own our past and all the Big and little t traumas that might have occurred. 

So with HFA, trauma affects us in three ways:

1. The actual anxiety - caused by not being able to relax, being raised in a house where you walked on eggshells, and emotional upheaval.

2. Unhealthy coping skills - overachieving, hustling, pushing down negative feelings, and people-pleasing.

3. The secretiveness - lack of emotional support and the lesson from an early age that self-loyalty is not as important as loyalty to others. 

It’s understandable why someone would ignore and try to forget a traumatic event rather than address it. Sometimes it’s easier to act like something never happened - but from my experience, you can only ignore something for so long. The problem is that as you get older, this is unhealthy because you want to live their day-to-day life with no distractions or thoughts of your past. What you don’t realize is that by ignoring your problems you’re actually letting your anxiety build up inside, making it harder for you to move on.

This cycle doesn’t have to last forever. There are ways to lessen the effects of trauma, and maybe with the right guidance, you can finally learn how to stop it from impacting your life.

Work With an Anxiety Coach

Working through a disturbing experience can feel like an impossible task, I get it, but it doesn't have to be. With the right tools, a listening ear, and some helpful guidance, you can start taking back the life you thought you had lost to your trauma and anxiety.

With my coaching services, you can get the kindness, support, and strategy you need to work through your anxiety on a daily basis. If you’re not quite ready to work one-on-one, you can check out my self-guided course, a resource you can take advantage of on your own time and at the pace that’s comfortable for you.

Schedule a free consultation with me to learn how you can stop trauma and anxiety from impacting your future.

Do You Have Extreme Anxiety? Here's How You Can Handle It

Anyone who has anxiety knows that it can be hard to explain to others. That’s because anxiety is a feeling, or rather feelings, triggered as a response to stress that takes over your mind, and it’s different for everyone. I’m sure we’ve all experienced anxiety at one point or another, like right before a big job interview or when you’re about to go on a first date with someone new.

These are just a few examples of anxiety that show up in our lives, but for people that struggle with high functioning anxiety (HFA), it can look a little different. In fact, most people with HFA don’t even realize that they are dealing with severe anxiety every single day. It can feel like a “buzzing” in the background that never really goes away and is constantly keeping us on our toes.

General anxiety is one thing but having HFA and persistent levels of severe anxiety could be signaling a much deeper problem that needs to be addressed. Overtime, that anxiety can build up inside us and lead to exhaustion, burnout, or worse. While you can’t stop anxiety completely from popping up, there are some great ways to deal with extreme anxiety that don’t involve this cycle of overfunctioning and burnout.

What Is High Functioning Anxiety?

High functioning anxiety is exactly what it sounds like - someone who has anxiety but is still able to function. Sometimes, these people work even harder, to the point of burnout or exhaustion, because they’re so afraid of failing. Their anxiety is telling them that failure is not an option, but in reality, it’s okay to make mistakes sometimes.

My own anxiety is constantly telling me to work harder, despite everything inside me begging me for a break. Instead, I push those feelings away because I’m afraid they’ll stop me from being successful. This is a common fear for people with high functioning anxiety. 

Instead of recognizing our feelings and working through our anxiety, we push it away and act like it doesn’t exist because we’re afraid to confront our own emotions. We continue this cycle of over exerting ourselves because we think that’s what we need to do in order to be successful.

We find our happiness in our work, career, and in the success we achieve. The whole while our anxiety is stirring up inside us and we feel like we could explode at any second. There has to be a healthier way to live...right?

Ways to Deal With Severe Anxiety

There are healthier ways to handle anxiety and HFA than to repress your anxiety and act like it isn’t there. In fact, some of the best ways to deal with your anxiety is to do the exact opposite of ignoring it. Instead, you should focus on recognizing and accepting your emotions so you can learn how to deal with your anxiety, even when it feels uncontrollable.

1. Recognize and accept your anxious feelings

The first step to being able to deal with your anxiety is to recognize and accept the feelings that arise when your anxiety is triggered. Because people with HFA tend to negatively judge any emotion that isn’t happy or content, we can get caught up in justifying our reactions, rather than just acknowledging them. This keeps us stuck in our heads and continues the cycle of awful anxiety and negative self talk.

2. Try some meditations and mindfulness hacks

Meditation seems to always have this stereotype of humming to yourself in silence or attempting downward dog, but it doesn’t have to be. What I suggest instead are mindfulness hacks - ways to get into your body and out of your mind. Sometimes, these hacks are simply taking a deep breath and doing a full body movement. Moving our body helps get us out of our heads. Even simple meditations like taking three deep breaths allows us to get back to the present moment and reconnect with our minds and bodies.

3. Reflect on self and take the time you need

I always encourage myself and my clients to give ourselves some time to calm down and reflect when a wave of anxiety hits. As overthinkers and high functioners, we often run off our initial impulse to push our emotions away because we’re afraid to feel them or we’re scared they’ll get in the way of our productivity. Give yourself some time to process your anxiety when it arises, so that later, you can analyze them with a clear mind and see them for what they really are.

Work With an Anxiety Coach

My mindfulness hacks are simple but effective ways to cope with severe anxiety, but that doesn’t always mean that handling anxiety will be easy to do. In fact, the thought of having to deal with our anxiety is the very thing stopping us from getting the help we need. That’s where I come in.

As an anxiety coach, I’ve made it my mission to help other people dealing with HFA. I do this through my coaching services, which allows me to have a more one-on-one approach with clients that want to really dig deep. I also have a self-guided course that covers emotional recognition and healthy ways to deal with anxiety.

Set up a free consultation ith me today to learn how an anxiety coach may be able to help you cope with your extreme anxiety.

Meditation And High Functioning Anxiety: Here’s How It Helps

If you struggle with anxiety then you’ve probably been told that meditation can do wonders to calm your anxious feelings. But for those of us with high functioning anxiety (HFA), just the idea of sitting quietly with our own thoughts for an extended amount of time can be nerve wracking for two reasons.

One, because as overfunctioners we try to suppress our anxiety and pretend like it’s not there. Two, because we are constantly in a state of go, go, go, so the last thing we want to do is take time out of our already busy lives.

If you get frustrated with meditation because it’s “supposed” to help but never does, these two reasons account for a lot of your struggles. When we try to meditate, our thoughts race and then we have to face our anxiety head on because we don’t have anything to distract us from our inner monologues

Over the years of being an anxiety coach, I’ve learned how to use meditation for anxiety. You don’t have to spend a lot of time doing it, in fact, most of my suggestions for meditating only take a few seconds.

Can I really meditate in only a few seconds? That’s right! Meditation doesn’t always have to be hours or even minutes of humming to yourself or attempting downward dog. Sometimes, meditation just consists of taking the time to catch your breath and reflect. In fact, one of my favorites is simply taking three deep breaths.

If you’re still not fully convinced, keep reading to learn more about why meditation can help anxiety and what meditations you can do that won’t interfere with your busy schedule and will help you conquer the voices in your head.

How Meditation Helps Anxiety

Meditation is often suggested to those with anxiety because it’s meant to help you focus and get your attention away from the cloud of anxious thoughts in your mind. The goal is to produce a tranquil mind and bring you back into your body. Ideally, the more you can ground yourself to the present moment, the more you’ll be able to calm your anxious thoughts.

But as someone with high functioning anxiety, I found it hard to commit to these meditations that took up my time but didn’t offer results. After all, everybody says meditation is supposed to help anxiety - so why didn’t it help me?!

For those that struggle with HFA, it can be hard to slow ourselves down and we tend to shame ourselves if we can’t do it perfectly or for long enough, which can spin us out even more. We also can’t seem to fully commit to the meditation and instead think about the hundreds of other things we have to do that day. 

What I suggest instead are mindfulness hacks - ways to get into your body and out of your mind where you spend way too much time overthinking and judging yourself.

Meditations To Calm Anxiety

I know the idea of sitting with your thoughts can be anxiety-inducing in and of itself, which is why I took the time to develop some simple but effective hacks for those that suffer from over-functioning like me.

You don’t have to do these practices for 20-30 minutes to get the benefits. It’s easier for me to do a few of these throughout the day for short periods rather than one for 20-30 minutes (think in seconds, not minutes). Frequently I will set a timer on my phone to remind myself to take a break and slow down.

Take a deep breath

Many meditations use your breath as a way to calm your mind. Like I mentioned before, one of my favorite versions of this is simply taking three deep breaths. You can also inhale to a 4 count, hold for 7, exhale to a count of 8, and repeat 4 times.

Go for a walk

The Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh talks about walking meditation (even wrote a book about it), which is simply slowly walking and coordinating your breath with your steps. You can walk on the street, on a labyrinth, or in your living room.

Use your senses

Wherever you are, take a breath and do an inventory of your 5 senses. In the moment, what do you see? What do you feel? What do you hear? What do you taste? What do you smell? This meditation brings you immediately to the present moment. I often practice this in the car, in the shower, and in my office.

Stretch throughout the day

Anxiety has been proven to cause physical problems like muscle aches, tension, or even a clenched jaw. You might not even notice the toll that it takes on your body. Commit to something as simple as touching your toes everytime you leave the bathroom.

Repeat a mantra

If you want to try 'traditional meditation,' repeat a phrase in your mind. Set your timer, close your eyes, take a breath, and repeat the calming word or phrase. As your mind wanders throughout the rest of your day, keep coming back to the phrase.

Work With An Anxiety Coach Today

Meditating has amazing health benefits, both for physical and mental health, and while you can’t meditate anxiety away completely, I’ve seen first hand how it has helped my clients and myself.

For those that still have concerns about meditation and anxiety, my mindfulness hacks are a great starting point. If you want a more one-on-one approach to look deeper into your HFA, I also offer coaching services. If you aren’t ready to dive head first into anxiety coaching, my self-guided course allows you to learn how to quiet your feelings of anxiety and move at your own pace. 

Schedule a free consultation today to see how I can help you work through your anxiety and overfunctioning.

The Downside to Venting

“Managing people is so hard.” I said with a sigh as I sat down at a gathering at my friend’s house.

“Yes, it is” she replied with a knowing nod. “And people don’t make it easy to be managed. What happened?”

 For the 3rd time that day, I told the story of the assistant I had just fired and our struggle as manager and employee. My friend was kind; she listened and offered empathy.

Earlier that week, I had wrapped up teaching Brené Brown’s Daring Way curriculum to a small group of my clients. The Daring Way teaches two antidotes to shame empathy and self-compassion. In the training, we learned the importance of empathy-building empathetic relationships and creating more friends. We also learned about self-compassion, but it was more of a side note. There were many lessons on empathy and a handful on how to have self-compassion. In truth, I might have perceived self-compassion as more of a side-note because I didn’t know how to have self-compassion at the time, AND teaching people to seek empathy is much easier than teaching self-compassion.

So after I had this experience of firing another assistant, I was full of shame, so I did what my training had taught me and looked for empathy. My friends listened, offered empathy and advice (when I asked), and were very kind. But I left the interactions still feeling doubtful and shame-filled. I felt heard, and I felt a sense of connection that eased my shame and anxiety for a moment, but then I was back spinning in my head again, so I searched for someone else to share my story too. And the cycle repeated.

At this same time, some of my Daring Way group participants were reporting that they, too, were not getting the healing they wanted from their shame. They were talking to people, getting empathy, and yet weren’t feeling any better.

For years, venting has been something pop psychology told us is good for us. Talk about your problems, get it out, don’t let them fester. And then came the added information of talk about your problems to people who get it, to people who are supportive and empathetic, not just people who want to solve the problem. I LOVED that advice—ask my husband I LOVE a good vent. I love beating a problem to death and trying to find a solution. But all the empathy in the world won’t make us feel better if we aren’t empathetic to ourselves. We need both.

The downside to venting is it keeps us in our heads, and it keeps us hopped up and sharing our side of the story. And the more we vent, the more we hone our story, adding in the juicier details, leaving out the practical boring bits. The story can become more about entertainment and less about receiving empathy.

Back to my employee debacle, I was so ashamed that I was a terrible manager and not a good leader. And all my empathetic friends were talking me out of that idea. No, you are a good person, and no, you just have a wrong match in assistants.

But the part I didn’t want to own, the part that was the truth. I am not good at managing people. It is a skill that I have not honed, and my tendency to be a control freak makes me a tough boss because my assistant never knows how to help. I need to work on it, so yes, this particular assistant might have been the wrong fit, and I needed to improve my leadership skills.

This is the power of self-loyalty. Being able to own that, I made a mistake, and I will be ok.

One of the ways I will bring myself back to self-loyalty is to watch Brene Brown’s video on empathy from the perspective of being empathetic to myself.

How often do I silver-line myself? Oh, it’s no big deal—next time, you will hire a better assistant.

How often do I just give myself sympathy? At least you have a business where you can afford an assistant.

Instead of saying to myself, Whoa, this is uncomfortable. It is hard to see my contribution to this problem. It sucks that being a manager is so hard for me.

Yes, we need connection with other people, and we need that same connection with ourselves. Practicing self-loyalty means being a soft place to fall for ourselves, to be loyal and kind just as we are to the people around us.

Stopping the Anxiety Rabbit Hole

I should go outside and sit on the porch. Gorgeous days like this are few in Ohio and come January, you will regret it. But my allergies are so bad, and if I sit outside, I will be congested all night.

I should go outside and sit on the porch and read my book—I should read more. But the porch furniture isn’t very comfortable, and after working in the yard this morning, my back hurts.

And then it ramps up, and my Monger steps in to remind me what a GOOD person would do. A good person would be sitting outside enjoying the weather, not staying in the house.

Yesterday afternoon was a beautiful sunny day, and I had the afternoon free. Hours stretched before me, and I spent the first part of it debating how I should spend the day. Initially, it starts pretty benignly, debating inside or outside. But then, if I am not aware, it can take on a darker, more rigid turn where I morph from what I should do to what a good person does, and then I can head down the rabbit hole of shame and anxiety. Unscheduled free time to most people would be a gift, but it can trigger my anxiety big time. All the rules of what I should do and how I could be doing it better or different can plague me.

The debate is so familiar it can take me a while to notice it.

That is one of the hardest parts about High Functioning Anxiety; the negative spirals are so normalized I don’t always notice them before I am down a dark rabbit hole where I am a lazy, loser all because I chose to sit inside and not outside on a sunny day!!

The other challenge to noticing the negative spirals is my brain is constantly in motion, analyzing, problem-solving, judging, etc. So even if I hear the debate, I jump into problem-solving--how can I solve this problem?!?! The solution is not in more thinking. The solution is slowing down and checking in.

Years ago, I wouldn’t have noticed the thoughts playing there; I would have just acted on them. So I would have forced myself to go outside and then beat myself up for not enjoying it. Or I would have decided to stay inside and beat myself up for not going outside. By the time the evening rolled around, I would have been an anxious mess full of shame and trying to find a way to do it right so my Monger would be quiet and I could feel better (which usually involved sugar and/or alcohol).

Yesterday as I was engaging in the “should I go outside” debate, I went to the bathroom, and as I looked in the mirror and made eye contact, I said to myself, "What do you want to do?!" I answered with, "stay inside", and so the next time I heard the “we should go outside mantra,” I said to myself, “I want to stay inside, so that is the end of the discussion.”

This process of awareness building and stopping yourself before you head down an anxiety rabbit hole is why I am so passionate about my one-on-one work. I take an unconventional approach. The traditional individual 60 minutes sessions can cause more anxiety and be more analysis and problem-solving. My clients don’t have to wait, and they can reach out to me any time and start noticing the anxiety rabbit holes earlier and earlier. Coach in Your Pocket has been a game-changer for my work and, most importantly, my clients.

My Anxiety Is High, What Can I Do?

My anxiety is so high right now, what can I do? I have received this question multiple times over the past couple of months. There are two answers to that question: the practical strategy to quiet anxiety and why those strategies are so hard.

Anxiety is avoidance.

Avoidance of something distressing, whether that be a snake in the woods, a social interaction, or a global pandemic. This avoidance causes our perspective to narrow, and we can get stuck in loops of anxiety. When we can slow down our brains and kindly acknowledge our experience, we can widen our perspective and develop strategies to ease the anxiety.

Whether practicing A.S.K., journaling, meditation, mindfulness exercises, or yoga, these practices allow us to get quiet, acknowledge the anxiety, be kind about it and find new ways of moving forward.

Now here is why those strategies are so hard.

1. It isn’t magic. We don’t do a 5 minute meditation, and then poof, our anxiety is banished for the day! On days when our anxiety is high, we might need to practice that process many times.

2. If we were raised to ‘think positive or be grateful’ or constantly told what we SHOULD feel or that others’ feelings were more important, the strategy above is like speaking Mandarin. It is hard, if not downright impossible.

I can remember feeling anxious, trying to meditate, and being met with walls and walls of resistance, which would cause me to spin out even more because now I have anxiety, and the strategy to help my anxiety isn’t working!!!

It is way more than just knowing the strategy to solve your anxiety.

It is about:

• building a relationship with yourself,

• unhooking the Monger who tells you your experience is ridiculous or crazy.

• realizing that being kind to yourself won’t hurt your productivity or make you weak.

In fact, being kind to yourself is the most important thing.

This is why the idea of self-loyalty is essential. IT WAS A GAME-CHANGER when I finally prioritized my experience and feelings over what I thought I SHOULD be feeling or what THEY felt.

That process doesn’t happen overnight, but here are some strategies to start exploring that process.

1. Remind yourself that the why doesn’t matter—I spent so much time analyzing why I was anxious, and most of the time, it was never a good enough reason. Remind yourself that what you are feeling is Ok.

2. Throughout the day, pause and check-in with yourself—how are you feeling right now? Just naming the feelings allows you to start building awareness of your experience and building self loyalty.

3. Notice how often you minimize your feelings of anxiety by telling yourself to be grateful, think positive, or so-and-so has it worse. Put your hands over your heart and say to yourself, “Yes, I have a lot to be grateful for, AND at this moment, I am sad, angry, exhausted, and that is ok. Having those emotions isn’t evil, selfish, or bad. They are just emotions.” (Or some non-therapisty sounding way of saying that HA!!)

Finally—we have been in the upside-down world of the pandemic for a very long time, and just when we think we have adjusted, another change comes along, so the fact that anxiety is high right now is understandable. The goal of my one-on-one program: Coach in Your Pocket is helping people with anxiety build self-loyalty with themselves so they can quiet their anxiety and we can work together no matter where you live.

Please reach out to me or to a professional you trust who can help you.

Dealing With Anxiety and Self Sabotage

An overwhelming amount of anxiety on one person can cause a number of self destructive behaviors, one of those being self sabotage. Maybe you’ve experienced this yourself but don’t really think of yourself as having anxiety.

If you seem like you have it together on the outside but there’s an undercurrent of self destructive anxiety and a history of self-sabotage, you may be showing signs of high functioning anxiety, which isn’t the same as generalized anxiety

In times of stress, maybe you start doubting yourself, taking on too much, procrastinating or letting your emotions get the best of you. These are common behaviors of someone who deals with high levels of anxiety and self sabotage. 

In order to prevent your high functioning anxiety from self sabotaging your work, relationships, or other important opportunities, you need to recognize where your anxiety is stemming from and make a plan to work through it. But this can be hard to do without some help, especially if you don’t think you’re actually an anxious person.

As an anxiety coach, I work with people that struggle with anxiety and self sabotage to help them combat their self destructive tendencies and create a game plan for future success. These tips are great starting points for anyone who wants to learn what causes self sabotaging behavior and how to deal with their own anxiety and self sabotage.

Anxiety and Self Doubt: The Root Cause of Self-Sabotage

Anxiety and self doubt go hand-in-hand and may explain the overwhelming feelings that you’re experiencing. Your anxious thoughts make you overthink and question your own abilities. 

Self sabotage starts when we start to doubt ourselves and our abilities. When this happens, it can be hard to get out of the cycle of self-destruction. Getting anxious about something which makes you doubt yourself and that turns into self sabotaging, which strengthens the anxious thoughts you have. 

There are two sides to self sabotage you need to understand in order to identify why you sabotage yourself. 

The first is negative self sabotage which consists of negative self talk. I call this the Monger. This is the easiest to identify because negative self talk is something we know we shouldn’t do but a part of us believes we need to beat ourselves up or we won’t accomplish anything. So something that appears to be serving us is actually hurting us. It might seem counter-intuitive but negative self-talk actually holds us back from doing the things we want or need to do to make progress. 

It can be harder to identify the self-indulgence that leads to self-sabotage. Positive self sabotage is when you let things slide, over indulge, or let yourself get away with something because “you deserve it.” That attitude is what I like to call the BFF. 

The BFF is like that close friend we all have who is always on our side and encourages us to “spoil ourselves.” The BFF comes out in response to the negative self-talk of the Monger; she serves as a mid-guided release to the pressure our Monger is putting on us. They have the right intentions, but sometimes we need to be held accountable for our self sabotaging tendencies so we can recognize them and make a plan to correct those behaviors. 

Both of these inner voices actually come from anxiety, which may surprise you. They’re both sides of the same coin and are extremes on either end of how we try to cope with anxiety. When we’re beating ourselves up, we’re feeding the internal voices anxiety creates. When we let things slide, we’re ignoring those voices but not really dealing with the cause.

Either way, not dealing with these internal voices can lead straight to self-sabotaging behaviors. Be aware of your own emotions when you find yourself self-doubting or shutting down. Anxiety could be playing a huge role. 

Why You May Be Experiencing Anxiety and Self Sabotage

Being aware of our emotions and why we’re feeling the way we are is an important step to identifying how anxiety fuels the self sabotage impulse. This comes with needing a certain level of emotional intelligence which helps us be more self aware to understand our thoughts and feelings.

Figuring out why you’re experiencing anxiety and self destructive behavior ties back to the two types of self sabotage, negative or positive. 

You may be dealing with negative self sabotage like negative self talk. High levels of anxiety have a big impact on what we do and how we talk to ourselves. If you struggle with symptoms of negative self sabotage you could be dealing with an underlying issue of anxiety.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, positive self sabotage deals with things like over indulgence or not holding yourself accountable. This behavior could be stemming from rebellion against the overbearing nature of your negative self talk. Attempting to fill a “hole” inside ourselves, in an unhealthy self gratifying way, can have severe consequences if we aren’t careful.

Get Help For Anxiety and Self Sabotage

If you’re tired of your anxiety getting the best of you, then let’s talk. As an anxiety coach, I work with clients to identify and work through anxiety and self sabotage. My course teaches you how to identify your self sabotage, both negative self talk and over indulgence, and how to balance the two. I also offer coaching services for anyone struggling with anxiety who’s ready to take the right steps to start managing anxiety more effectively. 

Schedule a free consultation to see how I can help you work through your anxiety so you can stop self sabotaging and get your life back.

Is High Functioning Anxiety A Genetic Or Learned Behavior?

The question that anyone struggling with anxiety has likely asked themself at least once — is anxiety disorder genetic or learned? It makes sense to wonder this once you understand that identifying the source of your anxiety is a helpful and healthy way to deal with it. If you struggle with high functioning anxiety (HFA), you’re probably wondering if it’s something you picked up from your burnt out relatives, or something you learned over time. 

The easy answer — it’s kind of both. The hard bit is trying to figure out where your anxiety is coming from, because your anxiety won’t be the same as someone else’s. We all have our own family and life experiences that influence our anxiety and how we cope with it.

Knowing where your HFA originates will help you understand more about your emotions and possible triggers that could be causing your anxiety. If you aren’t sure what next step to take, consider working with an anxiety coach like me. With help from an anxiety coach you can identify the source of your anxiety and finally figure out if your anxiety is hereditary or learned.

What Is High Functioning Anxiety?

You may have a general understanding of how anxiety works and what people with generalized anxiety disorder may be experiencing but HFA may be a new term that you’re not as familiar with — and high functioning anxiety is not the same as general anxiety. 

The truth is that high anxiety is not considered a separate diagnosis of general anxiety. The way people with HFA may experience symptoms is what makes the key difference. So while people with general anxiety may struggle with productivity, people with HFA are likely to struggle with burnout because their anxiety makes them overwork to overcompensate for their fear of being a failure.

One of the biggest indicators that you may have high functioning anxiety? You know what it’s like to seem cool, calm, and collected on the outside but are internally battling with the constant storm of self doubt, stress, and anxiety.

Is High Functioning Anxiety Genetic Or Learned?

I wish there was one straightforward answer for this question. What I’ve learned over the years of being an anxiety coach and helping other people figure out where their anxiety comes from, is that HFA can be both genetic and learned. 

Studies also show that you are more likely to develop HFA if it runs in your family, but don’t let that scare you. Just because something is genetic doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed to have it. The opposite is also true — you can still develop HFA and general anxiety if it doesn’t run in your family. How so?

Consider the experiences you’ve had throughout your life. Maybe something happened to you at an early age that triggered your initial anxious feelings that still torment you till this day. There’s also environmental factors that influence our anxiety like where we grew up or our religious upbringings. Consider other factors when you’re trying to figure out if your HFA is genetic or learned:

• Traumatic events that taught you to keep your head down

• Career goals that feel impossible to meet

• Growing up being overly praised for achieving

• Financial worries that pushed you to accomplish more and more

• Adopting the idea that productivity is most important

So your anxiety could be genetic, but it could also be something you learned over time through other factors you’ve experienced. Since you’re the only one that has lived your life, then you’re the only one going through what you’re going through and feeling what you’re feeling. Sifting through those emotions can be overwhelming but with the help of an anxiety coach, you don’t have to do it alone. 

Work Through Your Anxiety With An Anxiety Coach

Whether your high functioning anxiety is genetic or learned, working with an experienced anxiety coach can help you find the root of your HFA and create a plan to work through it that meets your needs.

I know how scary it can be when you want to help yourself but don’t know where to start. With my coaching services, I offer a one-on-one approach where we can really dig deep into finding out where your anxiety is coming from.
I also have a self-guided course aimed to help people that look like they have it all together on the outside, but are struggling with anxious thoughts and feelings on the inside. Are you ready to get a handle on your high functioning anxiety? Schedule a free consultation or check out my course today to get started.

Are You Type A or Do You Have High Functioning Anxiety?

If you’re anything like me, maybe you’ve always categorized yourself as a Type A personality. Maybe other people have characterized you as Type A, and you’ve just accepted it to be true. You might even fit all the boxes, both good and bad. 

On the one hand, type-A personalities are goal-oriented, go-getters, overachievers, multitaskers, ambitious, and trustworthy. On the other hand, if you ask someone else, they may describe Type A personalities as controlling, work crazy, domineering, competitive, “my way or the highway” type people. 

Did you raise your hand for all of those, even the negative parts, or was that just me? We, along with everyone else, may have put ourselves in this type A bubble. 

But did you know that having high functioning anxiety (HFA) can actually be mistaken as being Type A? On the surface, you seem cool, calm, and collected, but on the inside, your mind is running 90 miles a minute, and you feel like you can’t say no or you’ll let someone down. It’s classic high function anxiety, not just a Type A personality. 

If you’ve ever felt like anything other than perfection was unacceptable, and that you must follow how you’re “supposed to” do something to the exact letter and feel a weight of anxiety, you may have high functioning anxiety.

What is High Functioning Anxiety?

If you’re someone who experiences these Type-A tendencies, you may feel like you don’t struggle with anxiety. That’s because Generalized Anxiety Disorder is different from HFA, so many of us believe that we don’t suffer from anxiety. More importantly, the major distinction between the two is the way we respond to them.  

Although it’s possible to experience general anxiety symptoms, you can still suffer from HFA with these symptoms as well. The main difference between the two is the way that you respond to your anxiety. 

The truth, however, is that many of the characteristics described as Type A are often what it’s like to have high functioning anxiety. However, HFA may look a little more like this: 

• Procrastination

• Seeking constant reassurance, AKA Praise me, please!

• Control freak

• Busy busy busy

• Lots of negative self-talk

• Fear of letting people down

• Lack of sleep

• Numbing

• Physical symptoms

• Everything is “fine!”

Sound familiar? While you may think your type A personality is helping, these above aspects often hurt those “superpowers” of type A personalities. 

Don’t worry, even as a high functioning anxiety coach, I struggle with these two. If you’ve struggled with these feelings your whole life, this still might come as a surprise to you. Sometimes, people with high functioning anxiety find themselves more resistant to the idea that they may struggle with it. The more we recognize what’s going on in our minds, the easier it becomes for us to really cope. 

HFA vs. Type A Personality

Yes, it’s true that you could just have a Type A personality and not an anxiety disorder. But if you can relate to what we’ve discussed so far, then you might be wondering why you’re feeling that way. It may be because you have high functioning anxiety.

In fact, if you do have HFA, chances are that you find it hard to believe because you’ve spent your whole life feeling this way, and it’s been just fine, right? Except it hasn’t if you’re honest with yourself. 

In true HFA fashion, those of us who struggle with it try to cope with their anxiety through control. Rather than running from our worries and fears, we try to navigate them and make them less scary but finding ways to control them such as: 

• Seek control by being high achieving

• Have black/white or right/wrong thought processes

• Fixated on milestones, achievements, and productivity

• Will do anything not to let others down

• Focused on routines, habits, and rigidity

• Insomnia, nervous ticks, and physical ailments showing up as flight response

The truth is, HFA can look different for people surrounding us because it’s more of an internal struggle than an external one. Those of us with HFA don’t show the major signs of anxiety-like other anxiety disorders might. It may seem so normal that we don’t even notice it sometimes. 

That’s why so many of our family members, friends, and colleagues will describe us as Type A because the outward appearance is one of control, poise, and achievement. But internally? We’re struggling with negative thoughts, controlling behaviors, and trying to cope in ways that actually hurt us.

Help for High Functioning Anxiety

People with HFA are often also high achievers, busy bees, and often excel at almost everything. You would almost never guess that on the inside, they’re feeling insecure, overwhelmed, or stressed. But you might be thinking that’s just the way you are, and there’s no changing your personality.

The truth is we tend to create “coping mechanisms” that more or less distract us from the root of the problem and worsen our HFA instead of making it better. For example, you may tell people you’re fine because you seem fine. So you try and hide your HFA by overthinking, overdoing, and overperforming, leaving you exhausted and depleted in the end. 

But deep down, you feel that feeling of unworthiness, so you may work ten times harder not to have to feel that way. And when we try to set boundaries, we end up second-guessing those boundaries and stress out about what people think about us. Sound familiar?

That’s why it’s such a vicious cycle. You’re never really dealing with what’s causing your high functioning anxiety and find a hard time shutting off negative feelings that drive you to show off Type A traits. 

There is light at the end of the tunnel and, although there’s no magical high functioning anxiety treatment, you do have options. 

Talk To a High Functioning Anxiety Coach

Dealing with HFA alone can be challenging. Part of my coaching programs include helping clients understand their HFA, adequately addressing it, and approaching it. My clients spend a lot of time barely scratching the surface of what they’re dealing with versus what’s actually going on. 

That’s why my Coach in My Pocket program includes Voxer, a voice messaging app that allows me to check in with clients without the formality of a face-to-face meeting. If you’re new to working with a mental health coach, this format may suit you well if your HFA coping mechanisms cause you to block traditional therapy sessions. 

Voxer allows you to communicate in the comfort of your own space so that you can have a more raw and genuine session. It also fits into your already busy schedule so that way you can get help when you need it. 

Tired of thinking that being Type A is all there is? It’s time to discover how much calmer you can be—and how that can actually help you achieve even more in your life.

Insomnia and High Functioning Anxiety

If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably researched thousands of different ways to help you fall asleep, stay asleep, get better sleep, and on and on. The list of things to help you achieve that great night of sleep seems to be the same; avoid caffeine at night, turn off your tv or phone before going to sleep, wake up at the same time, etc. 

But what all those lists don’t usually cover is how to help when you roll over, look at the clock, see that it’s 4 am, and think, “perfect! I have more time to sleep,” only to have your mind start racing. It may come as no surprise that anxiety and sleep go hand in hand. 

But for people with high functioning anxiety (HFA), conventional sleep tips just aren’t enough to get us through. 

Even as a high functioning anxiety coach, I still have to make efforts to get my sleep anxiety under control. I’ve been prone to get the “4 am visitor,” as I like to call it, all too often, and it can be brutal. It’s one thing to hear your Monger during the day. But at night, when our defenses are down, it can seem even more terrifying. 

What Is Insomnia?

It’s not uncommon that at some point in our lives, everyone will deal with insomnia in one way or another. Some of the most common insomnia symptoms include: 

• Difficulty falling asleep

• Trouble staying asleep

• Waking up too early

• Feeling constantly tired

If you’ve raised your hand to any of those, chances are you may struggle with insomnia. People who struggle with insomnia and HFA may have a similar and yet slightly different experience. 

That moment when you briefly wake up in the middle of the night to racing thoughts can be overwhelming. Your mind may drift back to that thing you said at the dinner party that you shouldn’t have said. You may be letting your Monger beat you up about the outfit you wore or worry about whether or not what you said to your boss was rude. 

HFA and insomnia can cause you to spiral quickly. In fact, they often go hand in hand, especially those with sleep deprivation. Not sleeping can worsen your anxiety, and having high anxiety can worsen your sleeping habits. Thus continues the vicious cycle. 

Having a good night’s sleep can be very beneficial to your mental health and HFA. But what do you do when you don’t know how to achieve a night of restful sleep? 

How does High Functioning Anxiety affect my sleep?

One of the biggest indicators that you may have high functioning anxiety? You know what it’s like to seem calm, cool, and collected on the outside but are internally battling with the constant storm of self-doubt, stress, and anxiety. And more often than not, your anxiety may decide to rear its head in the middle of the night.

This internal anxiety can also play a role in how well you sleep. Your HFA may cause you to lie awake with your racing thoughts, or you may start to distract yourself rather than fall back asleep. 

For me, I sometimes venture down the path of turning on the TV, so I don’t have to listen to my 4 am visitor. But in the end, it just leaves me feeling more exhausted and doesn’t help me address the problem. 

How to Cope with HFA and Insomnia

Just like I teach my clients when dealing with their Monger during the day, I realized that I can do the same thing with my scary 4 am visitor that just won’t leave me alone some nights. Rather than letting her beat me up time and time again, I have to stop and ask myself, “Wait? Is this even true?” 

That’s when I realized I had the power to stop and practice ASK even in the late hours of the night: 

• Acknowledge what you are feeling

• Slow down and get into your body

• Kindly pull back to see the big picture

I realized that the very things that I’ve been practicing in my day-to-day routine I could also do in the middle of the night when I started to worry. Except this time, I really had to learn how to quiet those negative thoughts down faster to get back to sleep. Rather than turning on the TV, this strategy helps me shift my focus onto something other than the Monger in my head, reminding me of how terrible I am. 

It’s okay to check in with yourself during episodes of unrest and anxiousness. I try to take back control over my Monger and drown out the noise by turning my focus onto other things, like: 

• A fun vacation

• A day that made you happy

• Start listing the states

• Think about your favorite movie

And watch your 4 am monger get quieter and quieter as you drown out the noise. Although this is what works for me at times, it doesn’t mean that coping with HFA and insomnia is simple or easy to overcome. It can take work. 

Can’t Seem to Sleep? Get Help from an Anxiety Coach

If you notice that you’re struggling with nighttime mongers and need help walking through it, I offer coaching programs that may help! Dealing with high functioning anxiety can seem scary, especially if you’re trying to do it alone.

If you’re finding it difficult to talk about your HFA, I am here to help you. I’ve designed coach programs to help guide you through your HFA and how to cope with it. Most of my clients realize they’re actually struggling with HFA when they suffer insomnia, so if you’re feeling tired and worn down because of nighttime anxiety, it may be time to get help to finally get a restful night’s sleep. 

What You Think You Are Worried About Isn't The Problem

For people with High Functioning Anxiety, denying stress is a way of life. We pride ourselves on being able to handle stressful situations. The reason I talk about “soldiering on” and “suck it up, buttercup” is whenever I have a stressful event, those are my default phrases. Pretending as if everything is fine is a way of life for me. Sometimes, it is hard for me to directly address a stressful situation because I am so good at creating smokescreens rather than dealing with the actual problem.

Let me give an example.

I have been dealing with an emotional situation I will call it problem A, and if you asked me about it, my response would be, “I am fine” or “it is what it is.” Last week I came downstairs after a workday and was obsessing about a work situation. When I say obsessing, I mean it was all I would talk about. My Monger was loud. I was beating the problem to death, analyzing and analyzing what to do. It was consuming me, and my anxiety was through the roof. That is the first clue it was a smokescreen. Smokescreens tend to be relatively benign problems without an easy solution. Ironically THIS was the problem where the trite saying of “it is what it is” would have been useful. Instead, all I could think about was how can I fix this obsess, obsess, obsess.

Later that night, I couldn’t relax, and I immediately thought, I bet it is this work problem. But then my loving husband said, “Really?” Don’t you think it is the emotional fallout from problem A, not the work problem?” Oh no, I thought I am ok with that—it is what it is blah blah blah. And then I stopped and thought, right, that is the problem. And I realized I was creating a smokescreen to not deal with problem A because problem A was messy. Problem A had lots of emotions, and what am I supposed to do with that??

The idea of smokescreens is a psychological defense mechanism called displacement—where you take your emotion out on something ‘safe.’ I call it smokescreens because it gives me a visual of what I am doing. I am telling myself ‘look over here,’ it is safer.

So now you might be thinking, ok, so what do you do about it?

A few years ago, I would give the very therapisty answer of dive deep into all the feelings problem A brings up. Dive deep and Deal with what is happening rather than creating a smokescreen.

But now, I recognize diving deep isn’t always possible and isn’t always healthy. Obviously, the feelings associated with problem A are so big I don’t know how to dive into them, and is it beneficial to dive into something so big? As they say, it is like eating an elephant in one bite.

When I noticed the smokescreen was happening:

• I give myself permission to have the smokescreen. I said to myself, “Oh, Sweetpea, wow, you didn’t realize how big problem A is. I get that it is overwhelming. Smokescreens are ok as long as you know it is a smokescreen.”

• When I notice the smokescreen taking over, I give myself permission to practice A.S.K.

• Acknowledging the feelings from problem A. I look at the feelings sheet and name all the feelings coming up. I challenge myself to name 6-8 feelings and acknowledge they are there. If I want to express those feelings, I let myself do that with tears, screaming, or hitting a pillow.

• Slowing down and getting into my body, doing a full-body movement, touching my toes, going for a walk, or dancing to my favorite song.

• Kindly pulling back to see the big picture, recognizing problem A won’t take me down. It is an elephant I can eat one step at a time.

• I don’t always do it in that order; sometimes I go for a walk, sometimes I just acknowledge my feelings, sometimes I see a bigger picture.

• I give myself permission to tap in and tap out of problem A and use the smokescreen if necessary.

Not all defense mechanisms are bad. They are there for a reason, to help us deal with problems and ideas that are too big. But unchecked defense mechanisms can increase our anxiety and make the problem bigger. Through practicing self-loyalty, we can see the defense mechanisms, be kind about it, and have our own back as we deal with hard situations.

High Functioning Anxiety and the Love of Analyzing

I love thinking. I love analyzing, problem-solving figuring out the why.

My anxiety has been high this past week for obvious reasons, from political unrest to a raging pandemic to running a micro business. There are lots of things to be anxious about. That isn't surprising. What is surprising and drives me a little batty is how I have been dealing with that anxiety.

Keeping in mind, I know that the best way to deal with anxiety is to get out of my head into my body, allow the feelings, and be kind to myself.

But here is what I did this week:

I spent a lot of time analyzing WHY I was anxious. I kept coming back to the same things as stated above, but I would minimize those things as not a big deal—I mean, the political unrest doesn't affect me personally.

Yes, the pandemic is hard, but I should be grateful. I am so fortunate in that no one I know personally has been dramatically affected by COVID,

We don't have kids, and I can work from home, and really what does complaining about this pandemic do it is what it is. There is no use bitching about it.

I half-heartedly tried to journal and do some stretching those things that ground me and get me back into my body, and as soon as I started to feel anything or my mind started losing control, I quickly started to do something else.

I numbed through TV, mindless reading, and food.

I stayed vigilant, watching the news, scrolling through Twitter (where I follow only journalists), and talking about the news with friends and family.

As a result, I slept poorly, having strange dreams of COVID and people attacking my home. I drove my husband crazy with my analysis of why I feel so anxious and what I can do about it.

And then this morning, I randomly put in my headphones and decided to listen to music—something I use to do all the time and haven't done much since COVID. Pink's song came on called Barbies, a personal favorite because I LOVED playing Barbies as a little girl. There is a line in the song that says.

I wish I could go back to playing Barbies in my room.

They never say that you gotta grow up, quite this soon.

How fast things change

And now I'm here, and all I wanna do

Is go back to playing Barbies in my room

I imagined myself as a little girl playing Barbies, when everything was safe and simple and joyful. And I started crying—​ugly crying. And I couldn't stop. I just let it rip. Tears, snot the whole bit. It was a much-needed release. My brain stopped thinking, and I just let myself feel all the sadness, disappointment, and fear—without fixing, judging, or explaining it away.

I wish I could button this story up with a lesson: here is how I will stop myself from overthinking when my anxiety gets high.

In the coming weeks, I hope that when I notice myself thinking and justifying, I will pull myself back and let myself feel and get into my body.

AND I know that the groove in my brain that encourages me not to get into my body, not to feel, is strong. That is a well-worn groove. So tomorrow, when I feel anxious, and I decide to put on music to help me get in touch with my body and my feelings, my brain will be on a higher alert to prevent that. That is how it works.

The way around that is practicing self-loyalty. Recognizing that my brain is running the show, she is trying to protect me from feeling vulnerable. Analyzing, minimizing, and justifying are familiar coping strategies, and when my anxiety is high, they are comfortable.

But if I have my own back. I can recognize hey to deal with my anxiety, I need to get into my body, AND that is scary. So I will be kind and call in the Biggest Fan. I will remind myself that I am safe and feeling isn't the end of the world. It is a practice.

Right now, if you are feeling anxiety, you aren't doing anything wrong. You aren't broken. The grooves in your brain are protecting you the best way they know-how. And some days, you will feel great, and some days your anxiety will rage. Practice self-loyalty, engage in the activities that return you to your body, and be kind to yourself.​

The Contradictions of High Functioning Anxiety

One of the hardest parts about High Functioning Anxiety is all the contradictions. Here are just a few:

• You crave peace, yet your anxiety tells you that you need to always be in control.

• You want to be seen and loved for who you are, yet your anxiety tells you that vulnerability is a weakness.

• You are tired of feeling overwhelmed and frantic, yet your anxiety tells you BAD things will happen if you let your guard down.

• Internally you are so full of doubt and stress, and every cell in your body is screaming, "can't you SEE how stressed I am!!?!" yet your exterior is full of smiles and responses like, "I would be happy to help!"

• You appear to have it all together on the outside, yet on the inside, you struggle with insomnia, headaches, stomach pains, and insistent self-doubt.

These contradictions make treating HFA challenging. Because a client shows up to my office all smiles, telling their story with limited emotions, sharing their goals with determination and confidence, and following the lead of their anxiety, which tells them 'never let them see you sweat.' They want help, want to stop feeling this way, and yet the brainwashing of anxiety is intense.

Their anxiety has told them that a good person is strong, decisive, and should always know the why of a situation. Because they live in their heads, people with HFA are great at figuring out the why of a scenario. They LOVE analyzing why they do a particular behavior. Usually, if a client is excited to see me, they have a "why" they need help figuring out. 

For years, this is where I went wrong. Rather than helping clients see all the contradictions above and how their HFA was getting in their way. I followed my own HFA down the why path and would get caught up in debating the why with my clients. Clients would have a huge ah-ha and feel good about themselves (and so would I), and then in a few days, after the why high wore off, they were back to feeling full of anxiety and on to analyzing another situation for the way to feel better. Unfortunately, I let my anxiety keep both of us stuck in the why. 

The truth is the why doesn't matter, not when it comes to treating anxiety. All of that analysis doesn't help. It's fun. It provides an insight that can help us know ourselves better. But as far as treating anxiety? Understanding why we do certain things is just an exercise in mental masturbation. 

Now I am clear, it is my job to call out these coping strategies kindly. To lovingly hold up a mirror to the lack of emotion, the confidence, and the veneer of "I got this," so we can get underneath all those contradictions and start building loyalty with yourself, honor your experience, and stop letting anxiety run the show. 

Here's what helps:

• Take a hard look at the contradictions above and notice them play out in your life. When we can see our anxiety traps, we can start breaking them down one by one. (Maybe your contradictions are different. I would love to hear them in the comments below if you want to share.)

• Pay attention to how we feel and allow those emotions to come to the surface rather than letting anxiety beat them down.

• Talk with someone who knows that our mask of 'having it all together is a mask, and we need to be able to remove it now and then, even if it is one of the hardest things we have ever done.

Building Anxiety Resilience: A Conveyor Belt of Thoughts

If you struggle with anxiety, one of the hardest things to do is relax. Sitting still is so painful you would rather put toothpicks under your fingernails. The minute you sit still, you become overrun with THOUGHTS, lots and lots of thoughts.

Here is a typical example of thoughts of an anxious brain:

"OK, so I am just going to sit here and just be for 5 minutes. Whatever happened with that project at work—I need to finish the laundry—did the leak in the basement ever get fixed—did I email Frank about the issue with the spreadsheet—that issue was not my fault—he got so upset for nothing—did I make an appointment for the dogs at the vet—what am I going to make for dinner. Frank is such a jerk—I can't believe he went to our boss about that stupid problem—STOP just be—this just being is hard—I don't think I am very good at this—STOP focus on just being—I need to clean up last night's dirty dishes—what about dinner—maybe I should schedule a meeting with Frank and my boss—.is Joey coming home from college this weekend—where are we going to spend Christmas—I wish we could just hang here—what about dinner?"

THOUGHTS play there all day long. They are like items on a conveyor belt. The conveyor belt continues to work whether you are listening or not. At any given time, you can pick up a thought and hold on to it, inspect it, and let it consume you. This is where anxiety comes in, obsessive thoughts. We pick up each thought off the conveyor belt and inspect it thoroughly to the point that all of our thoughts feel powerful and important. We falsely believe, if I am thinking about it, it must be important. Sitting quietly allows us to disconnect from the conveyor belt. It allows our brain to rest and our intuitive voice to hang out for a little while. Or you can watch the thoughts go by - unattached disconnected. The joy of sitting quietly for 5 minutes comes in building a practice just being able to watch those thoughts go by. The practice is to imagine each thought as an item on a conveyor belt. At the 5 minutes begin, watch the thoughts go by on the conveyor belt. If you pick up a thought and start inspecting it—kindly remind yourself to put it back. Sometimes having a word or phrase you can repeat is helpful to bring you back to the center.

Let's look at the example again:

"OK, so I am just going to sit here and be—just 5 minutes. My Mantra is "Peace"—Whatever happened with that project at work—there it goes, just observe it. PEACE—I need to finish the laundry—did the leak in the basement ever get fixed—did I email Frank about the issue with the spreadsheet—that issue was not my fault—he got so upset for nothing— OK, put the thought back on the conveyor belt—PEACE—PEACE—PEACE—did I make an appointment for the dogs at the vet—what am I going to make for dinner—let dinner go back on the conveyor belt—PEACE—Frank is such a jerk—I can't believe he went to our boss about that stupid problem—and back on the conveyor belt—PEACE—I need to clean up last night's dirty dishes—last night's dishes what am I going to make for tonight's dinner— OK back to PEACE—maybe I should schedule a meeting with Frank and my boss—letting it go—PEACE—PEACE—PEACE."

The thoughts keep coming, the conveyor belt keeps working, and the more we practice not getting stuck on any one item, the more we can find a moment of peace, a break from the anxiety. Eventually, as you practice, you will become more skilled at this practice of building anxiety resilience through noticing your conveyor belt of thoughts. Anxiety comes from obsessive thoughts, so building a practice of not obsessing is a key to building anxiety resilience.

Taking Things Too Personally? Sometimes it is More About Them.

As human beings, there are many ways we tend to be self-centered. One of the most common ways is that we think whatever is happening is all about us. If someone gives us a backhanded compliment, says something disrespectful, treats us rudely, or just acts out, we usually think we did something wrong. We assume they are mad at us or that we deserved whatever slight just came along, and we get angry, defensive, or sad. But if you go with the rule that we are all self-centered, then if that person did act disrespectful or rude 99% of the time, it is about them. They are having a bad day, month, or year, they are pissed off about something, they are feeling triggered or upset. 99% of the time, their behavior has absolutely nothing to do with us.

Here are some common scenarios where it is more about them.

If someone gives you a backhanded compliment, usually it is more about them than you. You are out at an event; you just got your hair cut into one of those cute pixie dos. You are feeling a little insecure about it, and someone comments, "Oh, you got your haircut! Those pixie cuts are so cute; not everyone can pull it off". So what are they REALLY saying there?!? I would venture to guess that they aren't even thinking about you or your hair. They think that they couldn't pull off that hair-do.

People with high standards are usually living in a hell of their own with impossibly high standards. If someone you know is militant about weight or appearance, or money. And they make you feel extremely insecure about your appearance, weight, or money--imagine how insecure THEY must feel. Usually, when someone has super high standards for everyone else, they have SUPER SUPER high standards for themselves. So remember, it is more about them than you.

Someone cuts you off or is rude to you in the grocery store. They might be an asshole, or they might be exacting revenge for the fact that you unknowingly walked in front of them. But more likely, they are having a bad day. They might be late for a meeting or on their way to visit their dying mother in the hospital. You never know what someone else is going through.

I am not saying that people have the right to treat you with disrespect or be rude. I am saying that too often, we allow something that is about them to become about us. We allow someone to ruin our entire day because they don't think THEY would look good in a pixie haircut or because THEY are uncomfortable with their weight.

You have a choice in how you react. You have a choice to stop, pause and ask yourself, is this situation more about them, and am I unnecessarily picking up their stuff?

By asking yourself, is this about them? You can then begin to have curiosity about how they see the world. You can let go of the notion that everything is about you and see the world from the perspective that we all have pain, sadness, and things that trigger us. We are all doing the best we can with what we have at that moment.

How to Stop Replaying and Over Analyzing

You are at a cocktail party. A friend of yours introduces you to another woman who is glamorous, intelligent, and witty. Quite honestly, she brings forth your Monger. As the three of you engage in conversation, much to your surprise, you laugh, you have intelligent responses you even crack a few jokes. You realize that you might actually look glamorous, intelligent, and witty yourself, and you start to feel that way too. And then your friend's friend asks what you do for a living. You begin to sweat, feeling the anxiety from your core. You fumble for the right description and try to think of something clever and witty to say. But, how can you describe a desk job in a clever and witty way? So you mutter your standard response, which lands with a thud. Shortly after that, the conversation ends. Maybe because that is how conversations go at parties where there are lots of mixing and mingling, maybe because you answered the question so poorly, and they could see right through your glamorous, intelligent, witty charade!!

As you replay the night with your partner, you keep coming back to this conversation. What could you have said differently? How could it have gone better? What did you do wrong? You obsess and obsess until your spouse is tired of hearing about it. Later that week, you re-tell the story to 3 different friends, also obsessing with them. They all offer helpful advice, loving responses, but none of it helps. Eventually, you realize you are being ridiculous (mainly because everyone keeps telling you that), and you stop talking about it. But that doesn't keep you from obsessing, oh no. You continue to deconstruct the entire conversation, and it always ends with you being a loser who can't have a conversation and answer a simple question cleverly.

Sound familiar? I use to obsess and analyze and pick everything little thing apart. And it never ended well for me. That is the problem with obsessing; it never ends well for you. You always end up losing. The more we obsess, the more fodder we are giving for our Monger. We tell ourselves that we are obsessing to become better people, to learn and grow, but I am here to tell you; you will never learn and grow by obsessing.

Yes, there is something to learn from the party scenario. The problem is easily fixed. Figure out a response that you are proud of to the question "what do you do?" That is it. The bottom line you don't know what those two ladies thought of you at the party, and you never will. But what you do know is that you felt uncomfortable with your response. You felt triggered and less than. And THAT you can learn and grow from. THAT trigger is where the good stuff is.

Once you know the trigger (asking about your job), you know that is the rub. You know that you either need to

1. find a new job

2. figure out a better answer

3. not care what people think about you.

And speaking from experience, option 3 is REALLY challenging, so I think options 1 and 2 are the way to go!

So the next time you find yourself obsessing.

1. Do something different at the moment. The best way to switch your thought process is to move your body so take a deep breath. Do a stretch. Walk around your house/office. Do something physical.

2. Ask yourself what is really bothering me? What am I afraid of? In this scenario, the fear comes from being embarrassed about your job.

3. What could you learn from this experience? If it is your job or the answer to what do you do? Figure out how to change the answer.

Repeat as often as necessary. Initially, you will need to repeat this process frequently times.

Obsessing over situations, conflicts, or conversations can become addicting. It creates a drama that allows us to disconnect from taking action to solve the real problem. The trick is decreasing the Monger drama and increasing the connection with the Biggest Fan.

Pressure Cooker Syndrome

I remember as a child when my mom would be canning green beans or tomatoes. And the pressure cooker she would use had this silver lid on it. As the pot would boil and the pressure would get too much, the steam would escape through this valve and would eventually cause the valve to whistle and dance on the pot.

Some of us struggle with this same phenomenon—something I call Pressure Cooker Syndrome. We try so hard to keep our lids on. Stay in control; keep it all together and do everything right. So from the outside, our lives look perfect, solid, sturdy, and well put together. But on the inside, our lives are full of pressure, steam, and anxiety.

When we live our lives in a pressure cooker, our lives become all or nothing.

Black and White.

Right and Wrong.

We lose perspective.

We lose ourselves.

I tend to go into pressure cooker mode--it is one of my stress modes and something I have to be aware of. When I enter pressure cooker mode, I find myself looking for quick fixes and reaching for external ideas to ease the pressure (e.g., food, wine, mindless video games) ANYTHING to numb out and ease the pressure. But these external modes only provide limited temporary relief.

Real relief from the pressure only comes when I admit to myself I can't keep it all together, I can't do everything, and in fact, I am pretty miserable. Sometimes I can catch myself in this mode after one day. Sometimes, it takes two weeks or more.

But I know my signs:

• Numbing out

• Constantly looking for something 'fun' to do. But either not taking the time to do it or when I do it, I am so worried about doing it right it isn't fun.

• Having if-I-get-this-then-I-will-be-happy thoughts.

• Being overly to-do list-focused.

Ways to Relieve the Pressure:

• Admit to myself, I can't do it all.

• Be kind to myself and give myself compassion

• Share what I am feeling with someone safe.

• Do something nourishing--take a walk, take the afternoon off, say NO to something I don't want to do.

• Re-visit my values and remove the stuff that is on my list that doesn't serve my values

Detoxing from the Habit of Worry

The number one complaint of people in my life, friends, acquaintances, and clients, is anxiety. Anxiety has become the new catch-phrase for feelings of fear, insecurity, worry, and pain. The root of this anxiety stems from feeling unworthy, insignificant, or unlovable, and from that internal pain comes anxiety. Worrying about what to wear, what we will look like giving the presentation, how our kids are doing, how we will get everything done.

Worry, Worry, Worry. That is the theme of life these days. We regularly engage in the process of hammering ourselves into submission. We are never quite productive enough, quite successful enough, quite healthy enough, or just quite enough, period. We are constantly striving to be better--for what?!?!

I say 'we' in these descriptions because this 'worry' this low-level anxiety is something I struggled with for years. It was not debilitating or not panic attack-inducing (I have had a few panic attacks in my life, though), but it was limiting, painful, and low-level suffering. For YEARS, I always heard people with anxiety should meditate more or have a yoga practice. And for YEARS, I have tried to meditate more and have a regular yoga practice, and it has been spotty at best. For someone who is feeling anxiety levels, sitting on my couch even for 5-10 minutes is painful!! I haven't given up; I still try, but, for now, that is not a regular practice in my life. So what has worked? 

Radical Awareness. Radical awareness around my thoughts, my feelings, and my needs.

Paying attention to my anxiety responses: eating when I am not hungry, watching mindless TV, surfing the internet. And noticing when I start engaging in those behaviors. I could be mid-work in the past, and I have mindlessly wandered to the kitchen, grabbed a bag of chocolate, and headed to the couch to watch some "Real Housewives." The whole time, convincing myself I deserved a break, I needed the timeout. Yep, sometimes I do need a time out. But MOST of the time, I needed to be paying attention to what triggered me to step away from the computer and step into numbing out. It was the fact that the act was so unintentional. The unawareness made me realize it was anxiety moving me, not my need for a break.

Taking mini-breaks to BREATHE. I can't meditate. But something that works for me is putting in place times when I 'check-in.' Three deep breaths have become my mantra. Three deep breaths when I sit down at my desk, three deep breaths before and after I meet with a client, three deep breaths when I hit a stoplight in the car. I take three deep belly breaths, and then I check in--how am I feeling, what is going on. Sometimes I am surprised by what comes up. Sometimes nothing comes up. No matter what comes up, I embrace it with radical love and kindness.

Paying attention to what I talk about.  One of my favorite things is sharing my day with my husband. I found that frequently rather than 'sharing my day,' I would litany off all the things I was anxious about. I would list all the things I didn't get done; I did wrong, or what I needed to do next. And you know what that did? It made me MORE anxious.

And you know what else I realized that somewhere deep down, I enjoyed that feeling of anxiety--it was a buzz that would keep me protected from my feelings. I had convinced myself that feeling anxious, worrying about the to-do list, or being a better person was WAY better than dealing with the actual pain I was feeling—anxiety masks what is going on. Anxiety allows us to 'get high' on safe, numb aspects of our life and keeps us blissfully unaware of the real pain that is there. Gradually, I started sharing THAT; I started getting real and talking about real things, not just the to-do list but "the what" that was underneath. I caught myself mid-litany and ask 'is this helping, or am I just taking a hit? And I would immediately know the answer.

For many of us, worry becomes like a drug that keeps us from engaging with ourselves and, therefore, with the world. When I notice myself engaging in anxiety behaviors (amping myself up, numbing out, or hammering myself), I now get curious about what is going on. I breathe, and I pay attention. It works! I swear! Am I fully recovered? Ah no. Do I feel better? Hell yes! Detoxifying from worry is a slow process. The unraveling of a habit you have had for decades takes time.