It’s Been Awhile…

Last we chatted, I was going to take a short break for the summer, have back surgery, and return in September. Instead, what has followed is some complications from the surgery, which have left me with limited mobility and my own period of questioning and self-reflection. Ironically, one of the last interviews I did on my podcast was with Katherine May about Wintering; it has been a great guide.

Physically, I think I have turned a corner, and the doctors are figuring it out, which is fantastic! But the percolating and questioning of my Wintering continues, and even though it has not been easy, I am surprisingly welcoming the spaciousness and wonder it has provided.

I will not be doing the Season of Self-Loyalty for the first time in years. I debated and debated this one, and it was a tough decision not to do it this year. But one thing I am learning during this time is that self-loyalty is way messier than I thought it was. So, I am going to pause something that was initially designed to bring my holiday peace, but over the past couple of years, it has become more of a to-do not to disappoint others. I am surprised how much I see that trend in my life these days.

I hope you are well!

In honor of Thanksgiving and gratitude, I wanted to share my traditional Thanksgiving email that I usually send via Season of Self Loyalty.

One of my favorite teachers, Megan Devine, reminds us, "Gratitude is not the Tylenol of life. Gratitude and grief don't cancel each other out; they sit side by side."

Gratitude allows me to see that I have much to be thankful for. It allows me to see that holidays can take on many forms. We can get laughter and warmth in a variety of places and from a variety of people. That joy doesn't erase the sadness; they sit side by side.

A few years ago, I read an insightful article by AJ Jacobs called How to ​Be Grateful Without Rolling Your Eyes. The title itself made me smile. AJ shares two ways we can practice gratitude.

Thank the obscure

I always say go deep when it comes to gratitude; this is DEEP. As you sit down to eat your Thanksgiving meal, think about the number of people who helped make that meal a possibility. The growers, pickers, drivers, stockers, all those people we have rightly elevated to essential workers, give thanks for them.

Thank the super-obvious

The things we take the most for granted such as the ability to breathe, walk, or be pain-free. Or the ability to laugh, smile, read, etc.

The author shared: "One of my sons thanked the laws of physics, which kept him — and our gluten-free stuffing — from floating into space."

Happy Holidays!! I will be back with an update sometime after the first of the year.

Stay safe, my friends. Be kind to yourself and others.

The Many Ways to Slow Down and Get Into Your Body

Ironically, the #1 way to calm anxiety is to slow down and get into our bodies. And yet it is the last thing people with High Functioning Anxiety want to do. We suffer better than others, are superhuman, and always need to justify our pain or fatigue. These messages keep people with High Functioning Anxiety from attuning to our bodies. Society has supported and fine-tuned these beliefs, rewarding us for pushing too hard and getting a lot done. 

I have had a touchy relationship with this concept for much of my adult life. 

In my 20s: My Monger insisted there was only one way to slow down and get into my body: meditation or yoga. I dabble in yoga but always power yoga—never anything with slow movements. My Monger had a lot to say about it. "You will NEVER be able to do meditation—if you were a good person, you could" 

In my 30s: I still believed meditation and yoga were the only way. I wholeheartedly tried meditation in short stints, but to no avail, and continued to dabble in power yoga. My Monger was still loud about my failure to meditate, and now my sneaky BFF disguised as self-loyalty stepped in to have my back. "WHO says this meditation thing is the key?!? Someone somewhere made it up as the key, and now everyone has to do it. I call B.S." So I gave up the fight—and gave up on the concept of meditation. 

In my 40s: My Monger and BFF were still arguing, but my Biggest Fan stepped in and suggested, Let's not through the baby out with the bathwater—maybe there are other ways to get into your body that aren't meditation or yoga. Let's try mindfulness; I realized there were many ways to get into my body. I started practicing mindfulness hacks and discovered ways to introduce mindfulness into my everyday life. Today at almost 50: I have a very different relationship with meditation. I am not a meditator, and I no longer wish I could be. I realize my Biggest Fan is right as she usually is-ha! My Monger and BFF were stuck in black-and-white thinking. They believed getting in my body only happened via meditation and yoga. My BFF countered that message by criticizing it, and my Monger countered the message by criticizing me. But thanks to my Biggest Fan today, I can see many ways to be mindful. 

A few years ago, at a psychology conference, I heard one of my favorite teachers, Tara Brach give a keynote. She wrote the book entitled Radical Acceptance, one of my favorite books of all time that first started me on my journey to find self-compassion. 

I arrived early on the day of the presentation and got a seat as close as possible to the front of the vast auditorium. Tara walked out on stage and told us a story about Jacob, a 70-year-old psychologist with Alzheimer's. He had come to a meditation retreat with his wife to teach about Buddhism. Jacob knew his mind was failing but was excited to share his teachings. After he was introduced, he walked to the front of the room, and suddenly Jacob had no idea why he was there or what he was supposed to do. His mind went blank as he stood before the audience. Jacob couldn't remember what he had come there to say. As his heart began to pound, Jacob started to panic. He placed his palms together at his heart and started naming everything he felt afraid, embarrassed, confused, failing, powerless, shaking, sinking, lost. As his body began to relax and his mind grew calmer, he shared my mind is calming, and I can feel my body again. He was present to the flood of emotions, thoughts, and needs he was experiencing. Afterward, students came up to him sharing how they had never seen someone teach them awareness/presence like that before.

As I sat in the audience, hearing Jacob's story, tears filled my eyes. I was in my 30s, and at the time, with my Monger and BFF arguing so loudly about doing it right, I couldn't imagine slowing down and getting into my body rather than fleeing the stage in fear.

I have told that story at least 20 times since hearing it; in presentations, at parties, and with friends. I LOVE it because it beautifully shows the power of being present and getting into our bodies without judgment.

So today, take some time to notice in the moment what are the sensations, feelings, and needs in your body. Pay attention to the awareness you have, and then bless them. Whether through a silent or verbal 'yes' or physically bowing or touching your heart (my personal favorite). Allow yourself to be present to whatever comes up without judgment or shame. 

The Three Layers of High Functioning Anxiety

“I have High functioning Anxiety, which basically just means I am good at fooling people into thinking I don’t have anxiety.”

I read this anonymous quote yesterday and laughed because that is exactly what High Functioning Anxiety is. I often describe High Functioning Anxiety as a swan floating beautifully calmly on top of the water, and then underneath, she is paddling like hell.

For years my therapist would mention anxiety to me. I would describe a situation, and she would say, "oh yes, that sounds like your anxiety." And I would shrug and think, yep, I get anxious from time to time, but anxiety?! No way.

My stereotype of anxiety was that I would constantly worry, lose sleep and avoid things that stressed me. But I did none of those things—that I was aware of.

That is because High Functioning Anxiety has three layers.

1. The actual anxiety, the worry, fear, and restlessness.

2. The shame we feel for having anxiety. Usually brought on by our Monger and messages we received growing up about “soldiering on” and “being strong.”

3. The unhealthy coping skills we develop to keep the anxiety hidden, such as

• Overfunctioning (the more I do, the better I feel about myself)

• Perfectionism. (If I do it perfectly, I won’t get criticized)

• People pleasing (if other people are happy, I don’t have to think about my feelings),

• Seeing reassurance (if other people validate me, it will keep my anxiety at bay.)

Last weekend we were headed to celebrate a friend of our family’s 90th birthday. We were meeting with friends I hadn’t seen in years, and my anxiety was high—but if you had asked me if I was feeling anxious, I would have said no.

Driving to the event, I was doing all the things I do when I am anxious. I retreat into my head and stop talking. AND My Monger and BFF were having a full-on argument.

My Monger, the inner critic, shared, “What are you going to talk about?!? You are so socially awkward, and you have gained a lot of weight since they saw you last—they will be judging you.”

My BFF was quick to respond, “Judging you!?! Who are they to judge you!!? You are better than them. You know that." The BFF is the voice of false self-compassion, she is always there to have my back, and she often does that by criticizing others—it isn’t something I am proud of, but it is the voice that comes out when I am feeling beaten down by my Monger.

Their fighting causes my stress to go up even higher, and then I hear my Monger. “Why are you anxious?!? You SHOULD be able to go to these events without being anxious!?!?” Ironic that my Monger contributes to my anxiety and then quick to shame me for it.

Driving down the freeway, I could feel my heart racing, and my palms were sweaty on the steering wheel. And I heard my Biggest Fan, chimed in, “Sweet Pea, you are anxious, you have anxiety, no shame in that. Let’s practice a quick A.S.K. "

A. Acknowledge what you are feeling: insecure, uneasy, uptight, excited, bashful, and uncomfortable.

S Slow Down and Get into Your Body: Take a deep breath and look around. I glanced at the sky, noticed the cars in front of me, and felt my hands on the steering wheel. I could feel my heart rate slow, and I was able to take some deep breaths and calm myself.

K Kindly Pull Back to See the Big Picture, “Sweet Pea, it is ok that you have anxiety. It isn’t a personality flaw. You love these people, and they love you. Yep, they might judge you for your weight, but that is on them. You are a kind, loyal, funny person."

At the event, when I noticed my anxiety increase, I got into my body. I felt my feet on the ground or touched my hands to my legs and reminded myself I was ok, and after a minute, the anxiety lifted. I had a wonderful time connecting with old friends, laughing, and being present.

Years ago, I would have let my BFF and Monger argue unchecked, and I would have spent the evening over-functioning. Making sure everyone was ok, helping the host, and jumping from person to person to caretake. I would not have been present and left the event totally exhausted, and my Monger and BFF would have continued their conversation all the way home.

My therapist was right, I have anxiety, and it takes a different form than how we traditionally look at it. I am so grateful that now I know that my anxiety is different, and I need to treat it differently. It is more than just taking 3 deep breaths. It is recognizing the unhealthy coping skills, quieting the shame, and practicing A.S.K.

3 Things We Get Wrong About High Functioning Anxiety

Yesterday I felt anxious all day. I had tickets to see the comedian Celeste Barber, and I had been so excited for weeks--but here it was, the day of the show, and I felt a vague sense of dread and anxiety. I had a tough time relaxing all day and was full of adrenaline and extra energy.

I immediately entered into Mistake #1, trying to think my way out of my anxiety.

Throughout the day, I kept asking myself, WHY am I feeling so anxious? Is it social anxiety? Are you worried about COVID? Are you worried about chatting with your friend before the show? Why are you so anxious? I LOVE to analyze—I would love it if I could think my way out of my anxiety—if I could only find the why everything would be better. This trait is why my husband lovingly refers to me as Nancy Drew.

The truth is, anxiety rarely makes sense—it results from an overactive nervous system in response to a real or imagined threat.

The WHY doesn't matter—it doesn't matter WHY I am so anxious. The point is I am anxious, and I need to address it.

This takes me to Mistake #2 criticizing myself for being too sensitive or crazy. Unable to figure out why I felt anxious, my Monger steps in, "What is your problem!??! You have been so excited to go to this show, and now you are dreading it?? All because of your anxiety? Bitch puh-leeze! Get it together. This wouldn't be an issue if you weren't so sensitive."

And then finally, Mistake #3 believing there is a perfect hack that can fix me. Aw yes, when my anxiety is high, I inevitably land here—there MUST be a way to fix me. Because acceptance or loyalty to this!? NO way. This sucks. And there is my Monger again, "There has to be a way to fix this, and if you were a better person, you could find it." Even as I type this note, I hear my Monger saying, "Don't share this story. Everyone will know your anxiety isn't fixed, and you are a mess." The truth is there is no perfect hack that will heal us.

FINALLY, while standing in the kitchen cooking an early dinner, I practiced A.S.K. and Acknowledged my Feelings, which were not just about the show but several stresses going on in my life. Slow Down and Get into Your Body I played Kiss that Frog by Peter Gabriel, one of my favorite dance songs, and danced around the kitchen, and finally, K. Kindly Pull Back to see the big picture—I said to myself, Sweet pea, it is ok you are anxious, AND you are safe. You have been looking forward to this show for months, and you haven't spent any time with this friend in months; relax, breathe, and enjoy yourself. And I did.

It was a fantastic night. I laughed so hard my cheeks still hurt. It felt amazing to be with other people laughing about life's challenges and the realities of being human.

My anxiety did lessen, and when I felt it creep up. I touched my hands to my thighs and reminded myself I was safe. It is ok.

Do I wish the title of this newsletter was three ways to fix your anxiety! Absolutely yes.

The part of this story that amazes me/frustrates me is that I KNOW anxiety can't be fixed. I KNOW I can't think my way out of it. I KNOW when I feel anxious, self-loyalty is the key. And SO do most of my clients when they first come to see me. Intellectually we know. The part we forget is even though we intellectually know something, it doesn't mean we know it in our bones. The default messages of "I am broken," "my anxiety is a flaw," and "if I were better, I could fix it" are hard-wired in our brains so even though we know how to deal with it, sometimes those default messages win.

The part of this story that is the win--I practiced A.S.K. Yes, I fell for the mistakes (again!), but I also caught myself spinning down the anxiety rabbit hole and took charge.

As I repeatedly say to the Self Loyalty School participants, the goal is closing the gap between when you notice you are engaging in unhelpful behavior (aka heading down the anxiety rabbit hole) and when you take action.

Over Functioning is an Addiction

Last week, I had family in town for a family reunion, I was the host of this entire event, and I was trying to monitor my anxiety and make sure I didn't start over-functioning,

At first, I did a pretty good job. I would try to be present. I tried to practice A.S.K. I tried to show up and have self-loyalty.

On the day of the reunion, my husband and I made a trip to the grocery store to pick up last-minute items. My husband was pushing the cart, and I was walking five steps ahead, mumbling to myself, trying to keep track of the list I had in my head of what we needed to get. My husband tried his hardest to keep up with me, but it was next to impossible. Finally, walking through the parking lot, my husband says to me, "Hey Nance, you have gone to the dark side, and that's okay. I'm just letting you know because I know that one of your goals was to keep your over-functioning in check."

High functioning anxiety is a response to anxiety that causes us to push harder and try to outrun our anxiety. This behavior of pushing, hustling, and performing feels good. I felt great walking through the grocery store. I felt in my groove, on top of the world. Repeating the list in my head, moving from aisle to aisle in the most efficient way possible because my Monger loves me to be efficient. It feels fantastic until it doesn't because this behavior prevents me from connecting with my loved ones. My husband was at the store with me but purely as a being to help me maximize my efficiency, not as my husband, who I love and adore. I have missed connecting with family at previous gatherings because my anxiety controlled me.

Over-functioning is like an addiction. It feels so good until it spirals out of control.

When my husband lovingly called me out. I laughed and took a breath, and as we drove to my Mom's house, I said to myself, okay, Sweetie. This is hard having all these people come, and it inspires your anxiety which causes you to over-function. You won't stop over-functioning, but let's try to reduce the over-functioning from a ten to an eight.

If I could go back and redo the time leading up to the family reunion rather than trying to catch myself over-functioning in all areas, I would pick one specific area, the food. My anxiety tends to come out in making sure the food is perfect. So as I was cooking and shopping, I would practice self-loyalty, regularly bring myself back into my body, practicing A.S.K., and reminding myself it is just food; no one cares if it is perfect.

It is less about changing myself and fixing my anxiety and more about listening to it. My over-functioning is a sign that my anxiety is high. But because over-functioning is an addiction and feels so good. Sometimes, recognizing it isn't enough. That is the beauty of self-loyalty. Having my own back to recognize my anxiety is active, I am over-functioning, and it will be hard to change. So let's pick ONE small area we can work on.

This process is precisely what I take my students through in Self Loyalty School—learning how to quiet high-functioning anxiety through self-loyalty.

High Functioning Anxiety IS NOT "Anxiety Light"

I had spent most of my therapy session lamenting a work project. My obsession with making it perfect had taken over my life.

"Oh yes, that is your anxiety." My therapist said to me.

I remember thinking, sitting there on the black leather couch facing my therapist. What!?!?! How is THAT anxiety?!?!?

In my mind, I struggled with perfectionism and a bit of people-pleasing. I had a constant feeling of being found out that I was doing it wrong and spent most of my days trying to make everyone around me happy to the detriment of myself. Yes, this left me tired and exhausted and totally out of touch with myself--but was it anxiety!?! I mean, I got a lot done in a week! I pushed and pushed myself beyond my fear--I wasn't an anxious person.

It turns out yes, I was. I was stuck in the misconception that anxiety means you function less. Anxiety has four responses flee, freeze, fight, or fawn. Our stereotype of anxiety is to flee or freeze. A Google image search for 'anxious person' shows people with fearful looks, staring out the window with pained expressions, worrying about something. Fear, pain, and doubt are written all over their faces.

High functioning anxiety is the last two fight or freeze. My anxiety presents differently. It propels me forward. When I feel anxious, I don't shut down; instead, I push harder. I believed the answer to my anxiety was to solve all my doubts and insecurities by facing them. It wasn't that the world was scary; I was broken and needed to fix myself, and then the world would be less scary. When anxiety strikes, the response is to function more in the world.

Thank God for my therapist, who continued to kindly talk about my anxiety even though I couldn't see it. Because anxiety is anxiety, whether you have low functioning or high functioning, both are forms of anxiety. Both are debilitating and crushing. But common wisdom would have us believe that high functioning anxiety is less painful. It is the "better" version of anxiety (if there is such a thing).

It is only the "better" version of anxiety because it is more socially acceptable to push harder and view yourself as the problem. But your response to anxiety, whether to function high or function low, is a response to anxiety.

I have seen High Functioning Anxiety presented as anxiety light or not a real issue because it isn't debilitating. Every time I see High Functioning Anxiety presented as not a real problem, I want to scream Bull Shit at the top of my lungs.

I have devoted my career to treating High Functioning Anxiety, because living with it is exhausting. Not just because the anxiety itself is exhausting but because the unhealthy coping methods we have learned to deal with it (throwing ourselves into work, being the responsible one, perfectionism, and people-pleasing) are so valued by society that we struggle in silence and shame.

Helping our anxiety is threefold:

1. Recognizing when anxiety is running the show

2. Knowing what works to calm your anxiety.

3. Having the loyalty to yourself to do 1 and 2 above.

Self-loyalty is the key because it bypasses the anxiety response and allows you to calm your anxiety faster.

However, building self-loyalty takes time because it contradicts all we have been taught. We believe we are broken and need to be fixed, and then the world would be less scary. The world will be less scary when we have our backs and trust ourselves, aka self loyalty.

This is why I created a whole school devoted to Self Loyalty:

​Self Loyalty School: A 10-month audio program to Quiet your High Functioning Anxiety

This isn't about offering another hack for your anxiety. This is about changing it at the root—this is all about Self Loyalty.

Here's what's included:

• Bite-sized audio lessons so you can listen and integrate immediately.

• Time off so you can catch up and practice what you learned.

• Monthly Question and Answer sessions to ask questions and receive answers as you move through the school.

​Self Loyalty School is everything I know about quieting High Functioning Anxiety, stopping your Monger (that mean inner critic) from running the show, and building an internal sense of loyalty that you can come back to again and again.

LeAnn Rimes, Mongers and Biggest Fans

Last October, I received an email from the producer of LeAnn Rimes' podcast Wholly Human asking me to be a guest. She had read my book The Happier Approach and loved it so much she wanted to talk with me about it on her show. I couldn't believe it-it was a massive opportunity for me. I shared about my Monger's initial reaction in a previous post.

We scheduled the interview in November and had a wonderful conversation (much of which I don't remember because I was so nervous). I knew the show wouldn't be released until early 2022, so I put it all in a box and waited.

This week, a PR release announced the show with the other guests she interviewed:

Three bestselling authors and me, a self-published anxiety coach.) Yep, it fired up my Monger big time. "You don't belong with these women. I mean, who do you think you are?! Small town girl from Lancaster, Ohio, you think you can hang with these amazing women?"

She rambled on for most of the morning. Finally, my Biggest Fan stepped in and said, "It doesn't matter why you are here, but you are here, and you have worked hard for this. Don't let your Monger suck all the joy out of this." And I realized YES. I am NOT letting my Monger suck the joy out of this one. She is NOT going to win here.

For too many years, I let her keep me safe by playing down opportunities, minimizing and shaming my work, and making me feel like a giant loser. But not this time. I am going to work this so hard that she will not win. And I have been actively working on it. Practicing A.S.K. like it is a full-time job and soaking up the fun of this opportunity.

Throughout the week, as I have shared this news with family and friends and tentatively shared that I am in the same category as Martha Beck and Mel Robbins, their response is either who is Martha Beck and Mel Robbins? OR of course, you are, you have a lot to offer, can't you see that?!?

I am trying to. My Biggest Fan is stepping in a lot, and we are working hard to keep the joy of this experience alive.

​Mel Robbins is the first person interviewed on the new season of Wholly Human. In the past, I wouldn't have listened to Mel's interview because I wouldn't want to give my Monger more ammunition. But I decided to fully embrace this experience I would listen. I put on the episode in my car, and as Mel was talking, my BFF stepped in. "You are so much better than her." That is what the BFF does; it makes us feel better by slamming other people down.

As my BFF was chatting, I could feel my anxiety rising. I was antsy, playing with my hair, moving around in my seat, and wishing it would be over so I could stop feeling insecure. And again, my Biggest Fan showed up and said, "Woah, slow down and listen. She shares a similar message to you—we need to be honest about our struggles, and we need to have our own back."

Mel calls it the High Five Habit I call it practicing Self Loyalty. Same message which will reach different people. I immediately relaxed and listened. Mel shares how insecure she felt and how she always felt like a failure no matter her success. "Hello?!" my Biggest Fan said, "Sound familiar?!?! She has a Monger too. Because we are all doing the best we can with what we have, we are all human."

Wholly Human, as LeAnn would say.

You can listen to my episode and all the other awesome conversations here: listen to Wholly Human.

I am determined to experience the joy of this opportunity and not let my Monger or BFF take me down too many rabbit holes. Here is to working it and the power of A.S.K.​

When you Need to Hear More Than "Be Grateful"

The theme of empathy kept popping up for me this week:

An Ohio State Football Player, Harry Miller, announced he was taking medical leave because of his mental health. In the post, he shares how one of the reasons it took him so long to get help was the lack of empathy he would receive when he shared his struggles. The response he got was, "you are so talented and have the whole world in front of you, be grateful." What he heard was, "You are weak and pathetic because you are suffering so much. Quit being a cry baby and suck it up." They left him feeling dismissed and unsupported in their effort to "help" him to the point he contemplated suicide.

And the friend who shared that when she expressed a difficult moment to a co-worker, they dismissed her with a, "Well thank God that is over." What she heard was, "You are too sensitive. You shouldn't be upset it is over."

Or when I shared a painful disappointment with someone this week, and they said, "Well, you need to be patient, and it will happen. You just need to work harder."

What I heard was, "Quit complaining and get to work. You are so impatient and demanding. You need to work harder and quit whining."

None of these people who were unempathetic were intentionally trying to hurt us. They were trying to help. But in reality, they left us feeling more raw and damaged.

When I have gathered the courage to share my story with someone, and I am met with a trite statement about being grateful and soldiering on, I want to punch something. Looking for support and not getting it is a punch to the gut and can send us down a rabbit hole of shame and anger.

So what do you do when you share in the hopes of gaining support and are met with a statement about being grateful and thinking positive? Honestly, I wish I had some easy answers, but here is what I TRY to do (I am not always successful)

• Be kind to myself. Even if someone else doesn't have my back, I try to have my own back (again, this is not always easy). I will say to myself, "Ugh, that sucks. Wow, people are terrible at empathy. Try to remember this is not about me."

• Pull out the feelings sheet and acknowledge what I am feeling—it is tempting to get stuck in the anger (as Harry Miller shared in his statement). So when I can acknowledge my feelings and name the anger, shame, sadness, and frustration, it can prevent me from heading down a shame rabbit hole. Even though I know this helps, sometimes I do this right away, and sometimes it takes me a day or so before I think to do it.

• Remind myself everyone is doing the best they can with what they have. Not to excuse crappy behavior but as a way to remind myself that it might not be about me.

• AND if it is someone I care about, like a close friend or family member, I will circle back and have a conversation about how they missed the mark and what they can do differently next time to support me better.

This is also why I talk about self-loyalty so much. Having self-loyalty makes me more likely to do the things necessary to support myself after being met with a lack of empathy. So I can keep myself from heading too far down a rabbit hole of shame and anxiety.

This whole process is what I talk about in Self Loyalty School---building self loyalty to get to the root of your anxiety, so it doesn't run the show.

Racing Thoughts At Night And How To Stop Them

After a long stressful day of overworking myself and getting all the things done that I needed, all I want to do is lay in bed and get the rest that my mind and body desperately need, but I can’t get these racing thoughts out of my mind. I try reading a book and even counting sheep, but nothing seems to work.

If you also struggle with your mind racing at night, you may be wondering - where are these thoughts even coming from? I thought the same thing myself for a very long time before I figured it out.

What I learned is that I have anxiety, but not just a general anxiety disorder, I struggle with high functioning anxiety (HFA), and you may, too.

People with HFA have anxiety but they’re still able to function despite how severe it is. In fact, they usually overwork themselves because they have too high of expectations for themselves and are constantly striving for perfection. Sound familiar?

Dealing with my own anxious late night thoughts can seem like an impossible task sometimes. With the right tools, it’s possible to quiet your internal monologue that keeps you awake at night.

What Causes Racing Thoughts at Night?

You feel restless at night because your mind is thinking about all the other things you still need to do, things you didn’t complete, or how you didn’t do something right based on your own standards. You may even replay conversations in your mind trying to figure out how you could have handled the situation better. 

As over-functioners, we’re always focused on the next task because we base our value on how “successful” we are at getting things done. This can lead us towards incessant thoughts that keep us up in the middle of the night. 

It’s a vicious cycle that leads us to overwork ourselves which, in turn, makes us exhausted or burned out. So even while we’re lying in our beds at night trying to get the rest that we so desperately need, we still can’t get our minds to turn off.

The root cause of racing thoughts at night isn’t that you woke up in the middle of the night—it’s that you’re struggling to accept these thoughts as irrational. If you give yourself the grace and compassion you give others, you’re likely to realize that most of these thoughts aren’t true and your worth as a human being isn’t tied to these values.

How To Stop Racing Thoughts At Night

I know how easy it is for people with HFA to ignore their anxiety and emotions and pretend like everything is fine, but doing this will actually just make things worse. Ignoring our feelings makes them pent up inside of us and explode over time. 

We should be taking the time to recognize what we’re feeling and accept all of our emotions when they arise, including when we wake up in the middle of the night. Of course this can be more easily said than done!

Instead of pushing an emotion away like you normally would, just remember that the emotion is harmless; it’s our action in response to the emotion that can cause harm. So when you feel your anxiety building, don’t be afraid to feel - accepting the emotions you’re feeling allows you to get more comfortable with them over time and learn how to deal with them in a healthy and productive way.

When you allow yourself to feel your emotions, you can start reflecting on what may have caused them in the first place. Our anxiety is often linked to something or someone so when that trigger gets brought up, we start feeling our anxiety spiral.

Once we identify those triggers we can start making a plan to work through them so they don’t bother us as much anymore. This won’t happen overnight. I’ll admit it takes time to work through your anxiety and triggers and find something that works for you.

One thing I encourage myself and my clients to try are mindfulness hacks, similar to meditations. Now, I know the idea of sitting with your thoughts can be anxiety-inducing which is why I took the time to develop some simple but effective hacks for those that suffer with anxiety and over-functioning like me. Some of these can be done during the night when you’re experiencing racing thoughts or throughout the day to help relax pent up emotions before you go to sleep.

• Take three deep breaths. Inhale to a 4 count, hold for 7, exhale to a count of 8, and repeat 4 times

• Go for a slow walk and coordinate your breath with your steps. You can do this anywhere, even from the comfort of your own home

• Take a breath and analyze your 5 senses to bring you immediately back to the present moment

• Anxiety is proven to cause physical problems so doing something as simple as stretching throughout the day can relieve some stress and tension you might not have even known about

• Repeat a mantra in your head whenever your mind starts to wander throughout the day

You can try these hacks out for yourself and the great thing about them? You don’t have to spend forever on these hacks to get the benefits, sometimes even just a few seconds will do the trick.

Stop Your Racing Thoughts With Help From An Anxiety Coach

You don’t have to experience racing thoughts forever. There are some great actionable steps you can take on your own to try and stop your anxiety from clouding your mind at night. I’ve found that most of the issues behind racing thoughts during the night actually stem from our waking hours.

My one-on-one coaching services offer a more personable approach so we can work together and make a plan tailored for you and your anxiety. I also offer a self-guided course that lets you learn more about HFA from the comfort of your home and at your own pace.

Schedule a free consultation with me to learn more about how you can work through your anxiety and deal with racing thoughts at night.

You Think You’re Depressed - But Maybe You Have Anxiety

Did you know anxiety and depression are the most common mental illnesses? They’re considered different conditions but it is possible for people to have both. In fact, having both anxiety and depression at the same time happens quite a lot. 

People who struggle with depression may feel really sad for a long time, usually more than a few months, and might sleep a lot more because they lack energy and motivation to do anything. Alternatively, people who struggle with anxiety are often worrying about the future, feeling on edge, and sometimes even deal with panic attacks. While there are scales of severity to both anxiety and depression, you can experience both feelings at the same time or during the same time period.

You may think you’re suffering with depression because you’re burnt out on work, exhausted all the time, or feel like you’re stuck in a rut. These are all common feelings associated with depression but what you might not know is that these symptoms could actually be indicating something completely different, like high functioning anxiety (HFA).

People with HFA struggle with unrealistic expectations of themselves, over-estimating how much they can get done, and constantly pushing themselves to do more. Sometimes, they push themselves a little too hard, to the point where they feel totally burnt out. If HFA goes untreated, it may even cause depression in some people. 

Figuring out the root cause of your feelings of anxiety or depression can help you figure out what kind of help you need. For instance, a common treatment for anxiety is meditation because an anxious person may need to take time out of their day to relax. Someone with major depression, however, may need to find some motivation to get up and get moving.

No matter what you struggle with, you can always find help. To know what help you need, understanding the difference between anxiety and depression can help point you in the right direction.

What Is Major Depression?

Feeling sad after losing something or being disappointed is a pretty normal feeling for everyone. The difference between little d depression and Big D clinical depression is the length and depth of those feelings. 

Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) is when those sad thoughts and feelings are persistent for a long period of time. These feelings can also be a lot more intense than typical “sad” feelings. Most clinical definitions of MDD involve at least two weeks of feeling depressed for the majority of the time. When depression spans multiple years, it can become Persistent Depressive Disorder (PDD).

It’s a healthy and normal response to feel sad, for example, when we lose a sports game or when someone says something hurtful. Over time we learn to move on and function in the real world, but that’s harder to do for people with MDD. In fact, that’s one of the key differences between being sad and having depression.

MDD often gets triggered by a significant event in our lives and is usually characterized by mental and physical changes. Examples of these changes could include:

• You’re tired a lot more and don’t have the energy to do anything

• You know you should eat but you have no appetite, even if you haven’t eaten anything all day

• Your appetite increases a lot and you eat way more than usual

• You start forgetting things, even really important things

• You cry all the time and can’t seem to make it stop

• You feel numb, like you can’t feel anything at all

Did you notice that some symptoms seemed like polar opposites of each other? It’s because MDD affects everyone differently. That’s why you should try to avoid comparing your symptoms to others and to also remember that just because someone isn’t exhibiting the same signs as you, doesn’t mean that they aren’t going through something, too. 

What Is High Functioning Anxiety?

You may think you’re depressed because you feel exhausted and drained, as if you’re stuck in the same patterns and can’t get out of a rut. Well, you may be surprised to hear that people with high functioning anxiety usually feel the same way. People with HFA may even feel a lot of the same emotions as someone with MDD.

People that struggle with HFA make it seem like they have everything figured out and people see them as hard-working and successful people because they have a “go-go-go” mentality, which actually helps them a lot. In fact, a high performance workplace is one of the most common places to find people with HFA and I’ve seen it time and time again with my own clients.

Unlike with a general anxiety disorder, these people function really well but they also tend to over-function. This could mean forcing yourself to work even though you need a break, not calling in sick because you don’t want to feel or be perceived as lazy, or not taking a long overdue vacation because even the thought of not going to work makes your anxiety spiral.

People with HFA try to keep up a cool, calm, and collected facade on the outside but are actually extremely anxious and exhausted on the inside. They want to take a break and relax but their anxiety will not let up. On top of that, they always feel like they’re “stuck in a rut” because they’re stuck in a cycle of constantly overworking and overthinking but trying to make it look like they’ve got everything under control.

This cycle repeats over and over until you’re left completely burnt out, which explains why you feel like you’re stuck in the same patterns and can never get out.

Can You Have Both Anxiety and Depression?

Yes, you can have both anxiety and depression, in fact this is a very common occurrence. The clinical term is called mixed anxiety depressive disorder (MADD) and it’s usually signaled when someone struggles with equally intense symptoms caused by both anxiety and depression - but that isn’t always the case. 

Sometimes the symptoms of anxiety can feel more intense than depression, or vice versa. It just depends on your situation and what triggers may arise from day-to-day.

In one study it was found that some people with MADD are more anxious and less depressed than people suffering with major depression. This could be the result of numerous factors, but one thing that I suspect impacts this outcome is high functioning anxiety, and here’s why.

People with HFA are constantly beating themselves up for not meeting the internal expectations they have for themselves. You know now that not meeting those internal expectations can cause anxiety to spiral, especially for over functioners, but what you might not know is that untreated HFA can cause depression in the long term. 

So while you might think you have both anxiety and depression, the reality for some people with HFA is that your anxiety is actually causing your depression. This happens because you’re constantly forcing yourself to overwork, beating yourself up over mistakes, and setting unrealistic expectations for yourself.

The good news is that once you identify your HFA and learn how to overcome your overfunctioning tendencies, you may start finding some relief from the symptoms of depression that have been causing you so much grief.

Work Through Anxious Depression With An Anxiety Coach

Talking through your mental and physical changes with someone who understands the differences between depression and anxiety may be exactly what you need in order to figure out what you’re really dealing with. 

If you find that you struggle with high functioning anxiety, you can use my coaching services to get the kindness, support, and strategy to work through your anxiety on a daily basis. You can also check out my self-guided course if you’re not quite ready to work one-on-one with an anxiety coach. The course is a great resource that helps you understand more about how your anxiety impacts you while also learning at your own pace.

Schedule a free consultation with me to learn more about anxiety and depression differences, take the first step towards finally breaking the never ending cycle, and getting your life on the track that you want.

How Trauma Can Impact Our Anxiety And Future

Trauma. It’s a big word that gets thrown around a lot these days. When we think about trauma most of us think about Big T trauma, which is trauma most of us would define as traumatic, abuse, serious injury, sexual violence, or life-threatening experiences.

There is also little t trauma. Little “t” traumas are highly distressing events that affect individuals on a personal level but don’t fall into the big “T” category. Examples of little “t” trauma include non-life-threatening injuries, emotional abuse, death of a pet, bullying or harassment, and loss of significant relationships. 

We all have varying capacities of coping with trauma. What is highly distressing to one person may not be to someone else, so the key to understanding little “t” trauma is to notice how it affects the individual rather than focusing on the event itself.

A majority of us have experienced some form of trauma (whether Big T or little t) in our lives, whether we realize it or not. So what does that mean for those of us who have experienced trauma and how does trauma affect a person?

What Is Trauma?

Trauma is best known as an emotional response to an incident or series of disturbing events that impact your emotional, mental, spiritual, social, or physical well-being. The impact of trauma typically has long-term effects on someone.

Here are some examples of long term effects of trauma:

• Shock and/or denial

• Increased anger and irritability

• Guilt and/or self-blame

• Isolation

• Numbness

• Nightmares, flashbacks, recurring memories

• Loss of energy

• Physical pain

These symptoms, along with many more, are all normal responses to experiencing trauma. Sometimes these effects will start to subside on their own but that isn’t always the case. Over time, the long lasting effects of trauma will build up our anxiety and start getting in the way of how we live our lives.

Trauma From an Early Age

When left untreated, trauma can affect you years later by building up inside us over time. That feeling may be the root cause of the anxiety you developed from a painful experience, and that can cause panic attacks, nightmares, midday flashbacks, and more. What’s worse is that this severe anxiety we develop from childhood can affect us years later.

Here are some common traits of the family’s my clients were raised in:

• There was a strong sense of right and wrong and punishment and reward. 

• A strong emphasis on appearances and looking good to the outside world.  

• As you grew up you learned that one way to get positive attention was through achieving, the more you succeeded the more attention you received and the busier you were the less you had to deal with the emotional upheaval.

• Loyalty to the family was super important. Keeping family secrets, honoring family ideals. The family was important. This is why you have a high loyalty value. Sometimes the loyalty to the family was so important that even as adults we can’t see the unhealthy ways we were taught.

• Clients have told me, “I remember as soon as I walked in the house I would start ‘reading the house’ to see what I needed to do to help.”  They will describe walking on eggshells in the house because there was a sense of instability and emotional upheaval.

In my childhood experience, this emotional upheaval led to feelings of anxiety, grief, and feeling out of control, but because it was emotionally unsafe I couldn’t talk about my feelings. So I shoved them down and ‘soldiered on’ and ‘practiced gratitude’ and ‘being positive’ so I could get through it. Eventually cutting myself off almost completely from any negative feelings. 

This isn’t about blame. Our parents did the best they could with what they had and they were imperfect people raising imperfect people.

How Trauma Affects People With High Functioning Anxiety

Anxiety is a pretty common feeling and happens to almost everyone. You may start feeling anxious before a big job interview, when you meet your in-laws for the first time, or when you have a lot of tasks you need to get done in one day. These are all examples of general healthy anxiety that show up in our daily lives and that we may have experienced ourselves. 

Often people that have high functioning anxiety (HFA) cope with the trauma they experienced by going into survival mode, ignoring their emotions, and focusing on accomplishments. They developed unhealthy coping skills to the trauma they were living in. 

Your anxiety might be manifesting because the old coping skills of hustle and ‘push harder’ just aren’t enough any more. The only way out is learning new coping skills and developing ways to own our past and all the Big and little t traumas that might have occurred. 

So with HFA, trauma affects us in three ways:

1. The actual anxiety - caused by not being able to relax, being raised in a house where you walked on eggshells, and emotional upheaval.

2. Unhealthy coping skills - overachieving, hustling, pushing down negative feelings, and people-pleasing.

3. The secretiveness - lack of emotional support and the lesson from an early age that self-loyalty is not as important as loyalty to others. 

It’s understandable why someone would ignore and try to forget a traumatic event rather than address it. Sometimes it’s easier to act like something never happened - but from my experience, you can only ignore something for so long. The problem is that as you get older, this is unhealthy because you want to live their day-to-day life with no distractions or thoughts of your past. What you don’t realize is that by ignoring your problems you’re actually letting your anxiety build up inside, making it harder for you to move on.

This cycle doesn’t have to last forever. There are ways to lessen the effects of trauma, and maybe with the right guidance, you can finally learn how to stop it from impacting your life.

Work With an Anxiety Coach

Working through a disturbing experience can feel like an impossible task, I get it, but it doesn't have to be. With the right tools, a listening ear, and some helpful guidance, you can start taking back the life you thought you had lost to your trauma and anxiety.

With my coaching services, you can get the kindness, support, and strategy you need to work through your anxiety on a daily basis. If you’re not quite ready to work one-on-one, you can check out my self-guided course, a resource you can take advantage of on your own time and at the pace that’s comfortable for you.

Schedule a free consultation with me to learn how you can stop trauma and anxiety from impacting your future.

The Challenge in Admitting We are Human

“It makes you human, something you have a hard time swallowing," he said

“I KNOW I am human,” she replied, slightly annoyed.

“Yeah, but you don’t like it. You think of it like any other weakness, something you can rise above if you really, really put your mind to it.”

“Yes, exactly!” I said to the TV and my husband just smiled. and said, "yep, that pretty much sums up your life philosophy." My husband and I were curled up on the couch watching a TV show when the characters perfectly described why being human is so hard to admit:

It is something I believe I can overcome if I only try hard enough.

It is similar to the sentiment: you can only do so much in a day or resting if you are sick or tired. And I can say, "Yes!! I know that is true." The part I don’t say out loud is "for other people" because I have different rules for myself. Other people might have to rest, but I can carry on and do more. I can always handle more. I can push myself hard enough that I might overcome that small annoying reality about being human. (Welcome to High Functioning Anxiety)

I know this belief is a trap and it keeps me hustling and pushing for something that is impossible. My Monger keeps telling me if I only pushed harder and hustled more then I could move beyond my human tendencies. She is shaming me for not being able to reach the impossible.

Yesterday I had an in-person speaking event (YAY), and they required proof of vaccine or a negative test to enter. I had taken a photo of my husband and my vaccine cards for an event we had attended earlier this month, so when I glanced at my phone and saw the pictures, I assumed mine was there. But when I arrived and she asked to see my card I didn’t have it. I had deleted my vaccine card and only had my husband’s. Fortunately, I was able to call my husband, and he texted me a photo (yay for modern technology). As we waited for my husband to text me back, my Monger was screaming at me about my stupid avoidable mistake! In reality, the host and I laughed about being human and it was a non-event.

Later, as I was waiting to speak, my Monger chimed in to remind me how irresponsible I was, I KNEW I was going to have to show my vaccine card. WHY didn’t I double-check the names on the pictures. WHY, WHY, WHY.

And then, I did something that still feels strange, I took responsibility. I owned my mistake. I said to myself, "Sweetpea, you made a mistake and it is over. Mistakes happen, even to you. Let's not get snagged on this. Let it go." Owning my mistake works every time.

I didn't always own my mistakes. Years ago, my BFF would have stepped in to protect me from my Monger and tried to justify the mistake. “The host didn’t care, and it was a non-issue, no big deal.” Or she would have tried to blame someone else and said, “Ugh, she should have just trusted me. Why didn’t she trust me when I said I was vaccinated?” (Even though I was thrilled she took such a hard line because that meant they took a hard line with all the attendees.)

But rather than stopping my Monger, that would have just fired her up more. And she and the BFF would argue back and forth. My anxiety would be so high, and that one mistake would have clouded my whole experience.

But when my Biggest Fan (the voice of self loyalty) steps in to say, “Yep, we made a mistake, and it is not the end of the world.” It stops the Monger in her tracks. I have been surprised at
a. how much it helps when I own my mistakes and
b. how hard it is to own my mistakes :)

But when I own my mistakes (yep, I am imperfect about that too--ha!) it decreases my anxiety and makes my life more vibrant. I don’t waste as much time trying to prove the impossible.

Do You Have Extreme Anxiety? Here's How You Can Handle It

Anyone who has anxiety knows that it can be hard to explain to others. That’s because anxiety is a feeling, or rather feelings, triggered as a response to stress that takes over your mind, and it’s different for everyone. I’m sure we’ve all experienced anxiety at one point or another, like right before a big job interview or when you’re about to go on a first date with someone new.

These are just a few examples of anxiety that show up in our lives, but for people that struggle with high functioning anxiety (HFA), it can look a little different. In fact, most people with HFA don’t even realize that they are dealing with severe anxiety every single day. It can feel like a “buzzing” in the background that never really goes away and is constantly keeping us on our toes.

General anxiety is one thing but having HFA and persistent levels of severe anxiety could be signaling a much deeper problem that needs to be addressed. Overtime, that anxiety can build up inside us and lead to exhaustion, burnout, or worse. While you can’t stop anxiety completely from popping up, there are some great ways to deal with extreme anxiety that don’t involve this cycle of overfunctioning and burnout.

What Is High Functioning Anxiety?

High functioning anxiety is exactly what it sounds like - someone who has anxiety but is still able to function. Sometimes, these people work even harder, to the point of burnout or exhaustion, because they’re so afraid of failing. Their anxiety is telling them that failure is not an option, but in reality, it’s okay to make mistakes sometimes.

My own anxiety is constantly telling me to work harder, despite everything inside me begging me for a break. Instead, I push those feelings away because I’m afraid they’ll stop me from being successful. This is a common fear for people with high functioning anxiety. 

Instead of recognizing our feelings and working through our anxiety, we push it away and act like it doesn’t exist because we’re afraid to confront our own emotions. We continue this cycle of over exerting ourselves because we think that’s what we need to do in order to be successful.

We find our happiness in our work, career, and in the success we achieve. The whole while our anxiety is stirring up inside us and we feel like we could explode at any second. There has to be a healthier way to live...right?

Ways to Deal With Severe Anxiety

There are healthier ways to handle anxiety and HFA than to repress your anxiety and act like it isn’t there. In fact, some of the best ways to deal with your anxiety is to do the exact opposite of ignoring it. Instead, you should focus on recognizing and accepting your emotions so you can learn how to deal with your anxiety, even when it feels uncontrollable.

1. Recognize and accept your anxious feelings

The first step to being able to deal with your anxiety is to recognize and accept the feelings that arise when your anxiety is triggered. Because people with HFA tend to negatively judge any emotion that isn’t happy or content, we can get caught up in justifying our reactions, rather than just acknowledging them. This keeps us stuck in our heads and continues the cycle of awful anxiety and negative self talk.

2. Try some meditations and mindfulness hacks

Meditation seems to always have this stereotype of humming to yourself in silence or attempting downward dog, but it doesn’t have to be. What I suggest instead are mindfulness hacks - ways to get into your body and out of your mind. Sometimes, these hacks are simply taking a deep breath and doing a full body movement. Moving our body helps get us out of our heads. Even simple meditations like taking three deep breaths allows us to get back to the present moment and reconnect with our minds and bodies.

3. Reflect on self and take the time you need

I always encourage myself and my clients to give ourselves some time to calm down and reflect when a wave of anxiety hits. As overthinkers and high functioners, we often run off our initial impulse to push our emotions away because we’re afraid to feel them or we’re scared they’ll get in the way of our productivity. Give yourself some time to process your anxiety when it arises, so that later, you can analyze them with a clear mind and see them for what they really are.

Work With an Anxiety Coach

My mindfulness hacks are simple but effective ways to cope with severe anxiety, but that doesn’t always mean that handling anxiety will be easy to do. In fact, the thought of having to deal with our anxiety is the very thing stopping us from getting the help we need. That’s where I come in.

As an anxiety coach, I’ve made it my mission to help other people dealing with HFA. I do this through my coaching services, which allows me to have a more one-on-one approach with clients that want to really dig deep. I also have a self-guided course that covers emotional recognition and healthy ways to deal with anxiety.

Set up a free consultation ith me today to learn how an anxiety coach may be able to help you cope with your extreme anxiety.

I Hate Last Minute Changes

“Are you coming to bed already?” I said to my husband as he pulled back the quilt and crawled into bed.

“Yep, I am exhausted. Is that ok?” He said

“Sure!" I replied, trying to sound super laid back and welcoming. “If you are tired, you should sleep.” But internally, I could feel my anxiety rise.

My husband is a night owl, and I am an early riser, so we rarely go to bed at the same time. I am used to falling asleep alone in the bed because I can toss and turn without worrying about my husband. I can take up too much of the bed because he isn’t there, I give myself more freedom when he isn’t in the bed. So when he comes to bed before I fall asleep, I feel less free, my anxiety kicks in.

My husband fell asleep within minutes, and I lay there reading, waiting to be tired. (I want to say I was reading a book, but in reality, I was scrolling through news sites on my phone!)

Eventually, I rolled over, turned out the light, and laid there listening to my husband’s breathing. It didn’t take long before my Monger and BFF were arguing.

My Monger screamed, “Good grief, you are so uptight. You should be able to fall asleep. Why are you so rigid?”

Ok, I thought, relax your body. Name the 50 states (which is one of my go-to sleep hacks!) Well, that didn’t work.

My Monger chimes in, “I mean, how hard can it be to fall asleep next to the person you adore more than anything in the world?!?!”

But at that moment, I didn’t adore him every noise he made my BFF said, “Ugh, this is why you hate falling asleep when he is here! He is so annoying; listen to his breathing! You are never going to fall asleep with that racket!”

“Really?!? You are going to attack his breathing now. This is about YOUR rigidity, not his breathing!!” replied my Monger.

My anxiety was sky high, and I was debating giving up and going downstairs to watch TV, and then suddenly I heard from my Biggest Fan.

"Sweetpea, it's ok that this is hard for you. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person. It doesn’t mean you are selfish or don’t love your husband. You can toss and turn with him in the bed. Fall asleep like you usually do, give yourself some grace. You want your husband to sleep whenever he needs. Just relax, you can fall asleep. We can do this. Think of your favorite vacation and walk around that location." I thought about a trip my husband and I took to Washington state and eventually fell asleep.

A change in plans can send my anxiety sky high. One of the unhealthy ways I cope with my anxiety is to control as much as possible in my life. But controlling every aspect of my life isn’t realistic. Last-minute plans, a surprise phone call, a drop-by visitor (even if it is something or someone I want to spend time with) can make my anxiety spike. But rather than acknowledging that and giving myself grace too often, my Monger criticizes me for being rigid, and then my BFF steps in, and I lash out at whoever suggested the last-minute plans. And round and round they go.

This is an excellent example of the two layers of High Functioning Anxiety—on one layer, we have anxiety. To cope with that anxiety, we learned unhealthy/unhelpful coping skills, e.g., doing it perfectly, making everyone happy, controlling all aspects of our lives, etc.

We usually identify the coping skills as the problem. We decide to fix that layer, the coping skills, set better boundaries, be ok with imperfection, be less controlling. But when we take those coping skills away, we are just left with our anxiety. We have to work with both layers, the coping skills, and the anxiety. 

When our coping mechanisms become too strong and rigid, that is a sign that our anxiety is high. It isn’t a character flaw, as our Mongers would have us believe; it is a reminder that we need to address our anxiety. This means being kind to ourselves, building some self-loyalty, bringing in the Biggest Fan, and practicing A.S.K. 

I will probably still freak out next time my husband comes to bed early. But I will try to remember it isn’t a character flaw; it is my anxiety, and I will bring in my Biggest Fan to give myself some grace to move through it. 

Ugh! I Don't Want to Accept Myself!

I flicked the light on in the kitchen and started my morning routine. The animals take their positions for their morning cheese treat, and I go through the usual motions, take meds, make coffee, brush my teeth, check emails, and let the dog out. I love the quiet of the house the anticipation of a full day (where of course, I will accomplish everything on my list). After I take my meds, I need to wait 30 minutes before having any liquids or food. I have turned this 30 minutes into a game—how much can I get done in 30 minutes—more so, how efficient can I be in 30 minutes. For the most part, this is a fun challenge, a game I play with myself that I enjoy, but on this particular morning, my anxiety is high, and this light-hearted game has turned into a compulsive life or death challenge. Before I am aware of it, I am running around the kitchen, checking things off my list, cleaning the counters, refilling the soap dispensers, taking out the trash; oh, maybe I should clean out the fridge. My light-hearted morning has turned into me rushing around the kitchen, trying to cram as much as I can into my 30-minute window. This, my friends, is high functioning anxiety.

As our dog Watterson and I head out the door for our morning walk, I start thinking about the fact that I am so anxious. What is going on? Why are you so anxious? I ask myself. And then start listing off all the possibilities and start problem-solving everything that is going on.

God, I hate my anxiety---what is wrong with me? Why is this such a thing? I must be crazy!! I mean, come on, this is ridiculous! Why can’t I get it under control?!

And then I remembered a conversation I had this week with a friend about acceptance, “I struggle with acceptance because if I accept myself, none of this stuff will get fixed.” She said with a sigh gesturing at herself in exasperation. I said to her, “You know what is so hard?!? And I still struggle to remember. The opposite is true; it is only when you accept yourself that you will feel better. Because through acceptance, you can make changes.”

As I watched the dog intently sniff a piece of grass, I thought to myself, why don’t you try accepting that you are anxious and you can’t think your way out of anxiety. Try slowing everything down, be the dog for a few minutes; he seems to have this be in the now concept down. Inevitably when I am feeling anxious, it means I am minimizing feelings that I am having. I am usually upset about something my Monger tells me is stupid, or I should be over it. I know this. I know that is my pattern, and I also know that when I am anxious, the LAST thing I want to do is slow down and feel anything. I want to fix it. Ugh, I thought, ok, I will TRY to be the dog. I listened to the traffic in the distance and then heard a bird singing, and I concentrated on that sound. I felt the cold air on my skin and saw the sky changing as the sun came up. And I felt better. My brain stopped spinning, and I was present for the first time that morning.

Here is the truth. I have written about this before, feeling anxious, on a dog walk, slow down, feel better. I am sharing it again because it happened again but also because this is ongoing. This process is ongoing. And I hate that. I so want to be fixed. I want to write to you and share the 5 step process so you, too, would be permanently fixed! But the positive is that years ago, that anxiety that I felt that morning for an hour would have plagued my whole day and probably most of the next day. I would have let the anxiety run the show, which might have caused me to get angry at my husband for not being as productive as I am. Or I would have made up some drama with my brother because that was a safe place to put my anxious feelings. So even though my anxiety isn’t permanently fixed. I know how to work with my anxiety, slow everything and accept myself as is anxiety and all. And through that practice, life is better.

Childhood and High Functioning Anxety

After years of working with clients who live with High Functioning Anxiety and cope with their anxiety by over-functioning, there are some patterns to what they learned growing up. These patterns are not set in stone or the be-all end-all. Each of us has a unique story of growing up and navigating the world.

Today, I thought I would bring back Samantha, the main character in my book The Happier Approach, and have her share her growing up to illustrate some of these patterns.

Here is Samantha’s Story:

I had a happy childhood. Well, let me clarify; I would have described it as happy until my mid-30s. Through my therapy, I saw how my parents’ dysfunction led to many doubts and insecurities that I feel today. Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents, and they did the best they could with what they had. My Dad coped with his anxiety through drinking. Every day after work, he was tired and irritable. He poured a glass of red wine and parked himself in front of the TV. He was a happy drunk, and after a couple of glasses of wine, he turned into a different person. We always had family dinner where problems and concerns we brought were met with ‘be grateful’ and ‘toughen up. It was confusing as a child because my parents were clearly struggling with life, but there was no acknowledgment of that, and all the advice was to be better, keep pushing, and think positive. My Mom was present but not really. She often checked out and was either on or off, busying herself with chores or camped out on the couch watching TV and sleeping.

I was the youngest child with three older brothers. My role was to be the peacemaker. From a young age, I remember walking into the kitchen and playing counselor to Mom. Listening to her complain about Dad and my brothers and being a sounding board for her. I spent a lot of time mindreading and walking on eggshells. The painful reality is that everyone relied on me to be the peacemaker and problem solver while simultaneously making fun of me for being sensitive and emotional. The very reason I could problem-solve so well was what was ridiculed the most!

I was often up late stressing about a test or project at school and threw myself into whatever sport or activity was happening at the moment. The only way I received praise was when I performed well at school. So I obsessed about being the best while also navigating social relationships. Socializing made me very anxious (still does!), I had a small group of trusted friends, but my anxiety would be through the roof anytime I had to meet new people. To cope, I either busied myself by being ‘in charge,’ or I would turn into the group counselor, listening and offering support to others while simultaneously beating myself for being too stressed and emotional.

The main messages Samantha learned growing up.

• Life is hard. Suck it up. Be grateful.

• The mixed message of: don’t be too sensitive (because you will get hurt in life), and we secretly need and value your sensitivity.

• The better you perform, the more praise you will receive.

• Love and praise are earned through performance and caretaking, and bonus if you through yourself into these things, you can power through your anxiety.

• Emotions aren’t safe—best to ignore them either through numbing (TV, alcohol, food) or working.

• Loyalty to others is more important than loyalty to yourself.

Samantha's childhood messages are why I stress self-loyalty as a way to quiet your anxiety. Learning how to listen to ourselves and value ourselves allows us to take our emotions seriously so we can acknowledge them rather than ignore them.

Healthy Ways To Deal With Your Emotions: The Why And How

Whether we like it or not, emotions influence our perceptions and day-to-day decisions. Sometimes they can make us feel like we’re on top of the world and sometimes our emotions can be overwhelming. When we don’t allow our emotions they can cause our anxiety to increase and can make us feel out of control.

Not dealing with emotions can lead to turmoil, exhaustion, burnout, or worse. This is especially true for people that struggle with high functioning anxiety (HFA), who try to overcompensate for their emotions by overworking themselves. To stop emotions from getting in the way, you have to recognize and learn to deal with them in a healthy way that works for you.

Trying to deal with uncomfortable emotions can be nerve wracking, especially if you don’t know where to start. Trust me, I get it. But don’t let those nerves stop you from getting the help you need. By recognizing and dealing with our emotions, we can learn how to control them without letting them control us.

Recognizing Your Emotions Is The First Step

If you haven’t already read my blog about recognizing your emotions, it might give you some great insight about emotional recognition and why it’s important to do so in order to properly deal with emotions in a healthy and helpful way.

People with HFA like to think they can shut off their emotions when they need to. I’ve tried to do this myself many times. Much to my disappointment, your emotions won’t go away by you ignoring them. They always find a way to be expressed, usually it is through creating, what I call, smoke screens. These smoke screens are inappropriate ways our emotions get expressed, such as yelling at your spouse when you are frustrated with your boss. Or being overly anxious about a project at work when you are really worried about your Mom’s recent cancer diagnosis.  

If you are dealing with HFA, you’ve probably struggled with this inner battle, too, and maybe these same cycles of suppressing and exploding emotions. Luckily, there are better and healthier ways to deal with our emotions than pretending like they don’t exist.

The first step is to recognize your emotions and why they’re happening. Ask yourself:

1. What emotions are you feeling?

2. Did anything happen to trigger these emotions?

3. What did you do as a result?

Don’t be afraid to feel and reflect on the emotions that arise when you ask yourself these questions. Dealing with our feelings isn’t easy, but in order to handle your emotions, you need to be able to recognize them when they arise.

How To Deal With Your Emotions

After acknowledging your emotions, the next step is to learn how to deal and live with them so they don’t continue to dismantle your life. Here are some suggestions I often recommend to my own clients who are learning how to deal with their emotions.

1. Accept your emotions for what they are

Ignoring our feelings can make them pent up and explode over time which is why it’s so important to accept your emotions - all of your emotions - when they arise. Instead of pushing your feelings away, remind yourself that it’s okay to feel. The emotion itself is harmless; it is our action in response to the emotion that can cause harm. Accepting our emotions for what they are will allow us to get more comfortable with them, so that over time we’ll know how to deal with them.

2. Take some time to reflect

I always encourage clients to give themselves time to calm down and reflect. As overthinkers and high functioners, we often run off our initial impulse to push our emotions away because we’re either afraid to feel them or we’re scared they’ll get in the way of our productivity. Give yourself some time to process your emotions when they arise, so that later, you can analyze them with a clear mind and see them for what they really are.

3. Try meditations and mindfulness hacks

Meditating doesn’t always mean sitting on the floor attempting downward dog. Sometimes meditating is simply taking a deep breath and doing a full body movement. Moving our body helps get us out of our heads where we spend way too much time judging ourselves for the emotions we feel. Even simple meditations like taking three deep breaths allows us to get back to the present moment and reconnect with our minds and bodies.

Learn How To Deal With Your Emotions With An Anxiety Coach

Along with accepting your emotions, taking some time to reflect, and trying some simple meditations, working with an anxiety coach is another great way to learn how to deal with your emotions.

As an anxiety coach, I believe there isn’t one guaranteed way to deal with emotions because everyone is different. What works for me might not work for you. That’s why I’m committed to listening to problems, offering solutions, and working alongside you to create a plan that works for you. 

I offer one-on-one coaching services for those that want a listening ear and helpful hand. I also have a self-guided course that goes over recognizing and dealing with emotions for those that want to learn more. If you’re ready to take the next step, then set up a free consultation with me today to learn more about how to deal with emotions in a healthy way.

Meditation And High Functioning Anxiety: Here’s How It Helps

If you struggle with anxiety then you’ve probably been told that meditation can do wonders to calm your anxious feelings. But for those of us with high functioning anxiety (HFA), just the idea of sitting quietly with our own thoughts for an extended amount of time can be nerve wracking for two reasons.

One, because as overfunctioners we try to suppress our anxiety and pretend like it’s not there. Two, because we are constantly in a state of go, go, go, so the last thing we want to do is take time out of our already busy lives.

If you get frustrated with meditation because it’s “supposed” to help but never does, these two reasons account for a lot of your struggles. When we try to meditate, our thoughts race and then we have to face our anxiety head on because we don’t have anything to distract us from our inner monologues

Over the years of being an anxiety coach, I’ve learned how to use meditation for anxiety. You don’t have to spend a lot of time doing it, in fact, most of my suggestions for meditating only take a few seconds.

Can I really meditate in only a few seconds? That’s right! Meditation doesn’t always have to be hours or even minutes of humming to yourself or attempting downward dog. Sometimes, meditation just consists of taking the time to catch your breath and reflect. In fact, one of my favorites is simply taking three deep breaths.

If you’re still not fully convinced, keep reading to learn more about why meditation can help anxiety and what meditations you can do that won’t interfere with your busy schedule and will help you conquer the voices in your head.

How Meditation Helps Anxiety

Meditation is often suggested to those with anxiety because it’s meant to help you focus and get your attention away from the cloud of anxious thoughts in your mind. The goal is to produce a tranquil mind and bring you back into your body. Ideally, the more you can ground yourself to the present moment, the more you’ll be able to calm your anxious thoughts.

But as someone with high functioning anxiety, I found it hard to commit to these meditations that took up my time but didn’t offer results. After all, everybody says meditation is supposed to help anxiety - so why didn’t it help me?!

For those that struggle with HFA, it can be hard to slow ourselves down and we tend to shame ourselves if we can’t do it perfectly or for long enough, which can spin us out even more. We also can’t seem to fully commit to the meditation and instead think about the hundreds of other things we have to do that day. 

What I suggest instead are mindfulness hacks - ways to get into your body and out of your mind where you spend way too much time overthinking and judging yourself.

Meditations To Calm Anxiety

I know the idea of sitting with your thoughts can be anxiety-inducing in and of itself, which is why I took the time to develop some simple but effective hacks for those that suffer from over-functioning like me.

You don’t have to do these practices for 20-30 minutes to get the benefits. It’s easier for me to do a few of these throughout the day for short periods rather than one for 20-30 minutes (think in seconds, not minutes). Frequently I will set a timer on my phone to remind myself to take a break and slow down.

Take a deep breath

Many meditations use your breath as a way to calm your mind. Like I mentioned before, one of my favorite versions of this is simply taking three deep breaths. You can also inhale to a 4 count, hold for 7, exhale to a count of 8, and repeat 4 times.

Go for a walk

The Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh talks about walking meditation (even wrote a book about it), which is simply slowly walking and coordinating your breath with your steps. You can walk on the street, on a labyrinth, or in your living room.

Use your senses

Wherever you are, take a breath and do an inventory of your 5 senses. In the moment, what do you see? What do you feel? What do you hear? What do you taste? What do you smell? This meditation brings you immediately to the present moment. I often practice this in the car, in the shower, and in my office.

Stretch throughout the day

Anxiety has been proven to cause physical problems like muscle aches, tension, or even a clenched jaw. You might not even notice the toll that it takes on your body. Commit to something as simple as touching your toes everytime you leave the bathroom.

Repeat a mantra

If you want to try 'traditional meditation,' repeat a phrase in your mind. Set your timer, close your eyes, take a breath, and repeat the calming word or phrase. As your mind wanders throughout the rest of your day, keep coming back to the phrase.

Work With An Anxiety Coach Today

Meditating has amazing health benefits, both for physical and mental health, and while you can’t meditate anxiety away completely, I’ve seen first hand how it has helped my clients and myself.

For those that still have concerns about meditation and anxiety, my mindfulness hacks are a great starting point. If you want a more one-on-one approach to look deeper into your HFA, I also offer coaching services. If you aren’t ready to dive head first into anxiety coaching, my self-guided course allows you to learn how to quiet your feelings of anxiety and move at your own pace. 

Schedule a free consultation today to see how I can help you work through your anxiety and overfunctioning.

The Ever-Present Monger

This week I received an email with some good news, an opportunity that is huge for me and my work (more details to come). My first reaction was to celebrate. I shared the details with my close friends and spent some time grinning from ear to ear. I was surprised my Monger didn’t show up to dampen the party, but sure enough, she made an appearance. Later as my husband and I settled into our evening routine, my Monger started in. She started analyzing every interaction I had surrounding this opportunity, and by the time she was done, I was thinking this isn’t going to happen. I must have misread the email because I wouldn’t get this opportunity it wouldn’t happen to me. My hands started sweating, and I could feel my heart racing as I kept saying to myself, you are so stupid to think this is actually going to happen; there is NO WAY.

And then, by some miracle, I realized what was happening. My Monger had gone into hyper-protective mode. There are three rules of the Monger don’t make a mistake, don’t stand out, and don’t be too vulnerable, and I was about to break all 3. And she was FREAKING out.

I said to myself, “Yep, this is totally scary. Fun and scary. And we can do this no need to get freaked out. No need to panic. We can handle this.” I tuned into my senses doing the 5 senses meditation, and I was able to calm myself down.

I have repeated that many times over the past few days. When I hear my Monger freaking out, I can bring myself back to reality.

But here are a few caveats I want to share.

• The Monger isn’t the enemy. She wants to keep us safe, but her method of doing so is damaging. When I start to demonize her or dismiss her, she only gets louder and more manipulative. When I acknowledge her, she quiets down faster. Sometimes that acknowledgment looks like what I shared above, and sometimes that acknowledgment is simply I hear you, and you are wrong; please step aside.

• I am not always that successful in immediately catching my Monger and quieting her down. I have definitely improved over the years that I have been doing this work. There are still times when my Monger drones on much longer than I want her to. One of my pet peeves is when people make it sound like this process is just a 1-2-3 idea, and you too, can be healed. Acknowledging your Monger, practicing some form of A.S.K. does help, and sometimes I can do that immediately as I just shared, sometimes I don’t notice her, and she runs the show longer than I want her to, and sometimes I just let her win because I am too tired to deal with it.

• I share that because I want you to know, dear reader, that this process isn’t linear. This process isn’t about fixing yourself once and for all. This process is about loyalty, building a relationship with yourself, and all the messy parts of yourself.

The Downside to Venting

“Managing people is so hard.” I said with a sigh as I sat down at a gathering at my friend’s house.

“Yes, it is” she replied with a knowing nod. “And people don’t make it easy to be managed. What happened?”

 For the 3rd time that day, I told the story of the assistant I had just fired and our struggle as manager and employee. My friend was kind; she listened and offered empathy.

Earlier that week, I had wrapped up teaching Brené Brown’s Daring Way curriculum to a small group of my clients. The Daring Way teaches two antidotes to shame empathy and self-compassion. In the training, we learned the importance of empathy-building empathetic relationships and creating more friends. We also learned about self-compassion, but it was more of a side note. There were many lessons on empathy and a handful on how to have self-compassion. In truth, I might have perceived self-compassion as more of a side-note because I didn’t know how to have self-compassion at the time, AND teaching people to seek empathy is much easier than teaching self-compassion.

So after I had this experience of firing another assistant, I was full of shame, so I did what my training had taught me and looked for empathy. My friends listened, offered empathy and advice (when I asked), and were very kind. But I left the interactions still feeling doubtful and shame-filled. I felt heard, and I felt a sense of connection that eased my shame and anxiety for a moment, but then I was back spinning in my head again, so I searched for someone else to share my story too. And the cycle repeated.

At this same time, some of my Daring Way group participants were reporting that they, too, were not getting the healing they wanted from their shame. They were talking to people, getting empathy, and yet weren’t feeling any better.

For years, venting has been something pop psychology told us is good for us. Talk about your problems, get it out, don’t let them fester. And then came the added information of talk about your problems to people who get it, to people who are supportive and empathetic, not just people who want to solve the problem. I LOVED that advice—ask my husband I LOVE a good vent. I love beating a problem to death and trying to find a solution. But all the empathy in the world won’t make us feel better if we aren’t empathetic to ourselves. We need both.

The downside to venting is it keeps us in our heads, and it keeps us hopped up and sharing our side of the story. And the more we vent, the more we hone our story, adding in the juicier details, leaving out the practical boring bits. The story can become more about entertainment and less about receiving empathy.

Back to my employee debacle, I was so ashamed that I was a terrible manager and not a good leader. And all my empathetic friends were talking me out of that idea. No, you are a good person, and no, you just have a wrong match in assistants.

But the part I didn’t want to own, the part that was the truth. I am not good at managing people. It is a skill that I have not honed, and my tendency to be a control freak makes me a tough boss because my assistant never knows how to help. I need to work on it, so yes, this particular assistant might have been the wrong fit, and I needed to improve my leadership skills.

This is the power of self-loyalty. Being able to own that, I made a mistake, and I will be ok.

One of the ways I will bring myself back to self-loyalty is to watch Brene Brown’s video on empathy from the perspective of being empathetic to myself.

How often do I silver-line myself? Oh, it’s no big deal—next time, you will hire a better assistant.

How often do I just give myself sympathy? At least you have a business where you can afford an assistant.

Instead of saying to myself, Whoa, this is uncomfortable. It is hard to see my contribution to this problem. It sucks that being a manager is so hard for me.

Yes, we need connection with other people, and we need that same connection with ourselves. Practicing self-loyalty means being a soft place to fall for ourselves, to be loyal and kind just as we are to the people around us.