Making Intentional Decisions: Questions to Ask Yourself

When we bring intention to our lives, we can reduce anxiety. Too often, we make decisions from a place of obligation, should, guilt, or habit. Many of us experience anxiety in our lives because we are constantly trying to fit our square selves into a round hole. Any time we are trying to become something we aren't, it will cause anxiety.

So I encourage you to pay attention to your intention and live your life from a place of purpose and curiosity rather than engaging in activities that drain you or are purely out of obligation. A fundamental way to start is to ask yourself the following questions.

Since it is the holidays, let's use a holiday scenario: Your Friend Lucy asks you if you want to attend her son's performance at a local college. Lucy is a friend of a friend, so you run in the same social circles, but you aren't that close. 

Do I want to go to the concert? Honestly, you are torn. You love music and especially holiday music AND your holiday plate runneth over. You could make it work, but you are already running low on energy, and we haven't even made it to Thanksgiving (this question is a tough one because the answer is rarely black and white--sometimes I will try the coin trick if I get stuck on this question--but the other questions in the series will help narrow down your answer)

What is my motivation? You love holiday music, and you want to be supportive of Lucy's son. You remember what it was like to be performing in college and wanting people to come. You also want to make a good impression with Lucy. (This can be tricky to answer; we don't want to admit that sometimes our motivations can be manipulative, trying to or 'look' good.)

What am I hoping to gain? Getting in the holiday spirit? Getting on Lucy's good side? Your kids are both in school together, and she lives in your neighborhood, so best to get her on your good side. (Frequently, I follow the what is my motivation question with this one because I can convince myself my motivation is pure and straightforward, but when I ask myself what I hope to gain, sometimes the answer isn't so pure :) )

Why am I engaging in this activity?  Because it is easier than saying no. You don't want to upset Lucy and your new friendship, and you do like holiday music. You can make it work with some sacrifice. (Yes, this question is similar to do I want to go, but it is helpful to ask it again and differently because then you might get at a more profound answer. Because the real question here is..."Are the reasons I am giving make this a high enough priority that getting less sleep is worth it?"

What would happen if I said no? Honestly, not much. Lucy knows it is the holiday season, and if you genuinely explain to her that you are just too busy AND hope to see her son perform, she will understand. This is usually the case; if we are honest and genuine with people, they get it. Too often, we convince ourselves if we don't go, Lucy will be so upset, and it will be the end of the relationship. Is your whole relationship with Lucy going to hinge on this one event? Probably not. And if it does, do you want to be friends with someone who would be that petty?

Ok, so I recognize that is an elementary example. But those basic situations happen all the time in our daily lives. When we aren't intentional, we can say yes to activities and people we don't care about without checking our priorities and intentions.

Next time you find yourself complaining about an event or activity, ask yourself, "Did I engage in this activity intentionally, or is it out of obligation?" You have the right to say no. You have the right to make decisions based on your priorities and values.

The Answer is not in the Top 5 Lists

This week my Monger and anxiety got the best of me. One of my go-to coping mechanisms is reading as much as I can about happiness and reducing stress. I read all the articles: 5 Ways to Reduce Stress or the Top 10 Ways to Gain Happiness. Inevitably I am disappointed because I am reminded that the answer is not OUT there. It is internal. I see it in my clients as well. They see me looking for the answer as if it is something external from them. Then I remind them, it is all right there. Slow down, breathe, and have some self-compassion. And they realize yes, they know what to do.

We KNOW what to do. We all KNOW what to do. We can read the 5 Steps to Happiness and the 10 Ways to Reduce Stress articles until we are blue in the face. And yet, at the end of the day, we are one of the most stressed-out societies on the planet. We reach for pills, distractions, and ways to numb rather than implementing the 5 step articles.

I have been questioning this pattern for many months now. And after questioning and observing myself and others, I have found three main themes and these themes center around the need for love, compassion, and empathy.

1. We want an instant fix.

2. We don't want to be uncomfortable.

3. We do it alone.

We want an instant fix. This stuff IS hard. Implementing change, going against the mainstream of push, push, push is very challenging. Even though we all know there is no such thing as an instant fix, we desperately want one (I know I would love to take my five deep breathes and poof have all my stress disappear). It takes patience. It takes persistence. It takes showing up each day and doing the best we can with what we have. Being loving with ourselves and others and circling back when we messed up is paramount.

Pain, Sadness, Depression suck, AND they are a HUGE part of life. They are where the best lessons are lurking. That is where we experience the yin to the yang of life. Without pain, we wouldn't question, improve, search and look for love. They are HARD, and when we are inundated with 5 Steps to Happiness or 10 Ways to Experience Joy, we feel even crappier that we are feeling pain, sadness, and depression. Uncomfortable is part of life. And when we can embrace our uncomfortableness. When we can smother it with empathy and self-compassion, when we can welcome sadness and pain as a very real part of love, risk, and relationships, all of which lead to a full life, we embrace living happier.

We need other people. By far, this is one of the most important lessons I have learned in my life. Doing it alone is one of the main reasons we are so stressed, tired, and exhausted. We need to share our fears, concerns, doubts with other people. We need to build strong, healthy relationships. We need to show up for other people and make time for authentic connections. Again back to empathy, compassion, and love. When I started sharing my fears, expressing my doubts, and opening up about my sadness to the safe people in my life, my stress decreased, my anxiety lessened, and I felt stronger. Having a community is KEY and, it has gotten lost in the shuffle of success, money, and power. 

Many things go into reducing stress and living happier. Each of us has our own journeys in life. And I know the more I relax into the journey, embrace the uncomfortable and reach out to my community, the happier I am.