Watering Our Hurts

We all have hurts, from the little hurts of someone cutting us off in traffic to the significant hurts of someone breaking our hearts or betraying us in a big way. Hurt sucks. But too often, we get stuck in re-living those hurts. My aunt calls it "Watering your hurts." Watering your hurts means you cultivate them. You make sure your hurts stay fresh and green. You water them by re-telling them over and over and over. You keep a running list of all the times you have been lied to, betrayed, misled, diminished, or disrespected. Anytime you feel a little scared or unsure, you whip out those hurts, and you start watering them. Making sure they stay fresh and green so you can constantly refer to them and say, "SEE that won't happen again, as long as this reminder stays fresh, I won't ever be hurt again."

And that is the big lie of the concept watering of our hurts. Watering our hurts doesn't keep us from being hurt again. Watering our hurts doesn't protect us from anything. All it does is keep us stuck in pain and agony. The only one we are hurting as we care and cultivate our past pain is ourselves.

A great example of this is in a new relationship. You meet someone, and you hit it off, and things are going GREAT! You are blissful for the first three months, and then things start getting a little rocky (as any relationship will). Miscommunications happen, conflicts occur, and doubts start to trickle in. You pull out your tray of hurts, and you start pruning them and watering them and remembering every time you have been in a relationship, and it has gone wrong. You remind yourself of every betrayal and lie you were told. So the next time you see your new friend, you are full of anger and resentment. In his/her mind, things were temporarily rocky as you move through the inevitable growing pains from the honeymoon phase to the real-life relationship. In your mind (because you are referencing only your past hurts), he/she is an assh@le whose sole motivation is to betray you. Watering our hurts keeps us stuck in the past. Watering our hurts forces us to assume that our hurts are destined to repeat, which is just not true. So what are we to do, let our past hurts die? What about all that PAIN and agony?

Make peace with your past hurts. This peace process involves experiencing and letting go of all the emotions tied to this particular hurt. This process can take many forms and is highly individualized. You may need to talk to someone neutral to figure out what works best for you. It might help to talk to a friend or visit the person who hurt you. Once you have made peace and are ready to let it go, I am a fan of a ceremony. My favorite: Write down everything that happened. You can write a letter to the person who hurt you, you can tell it in a story. The goal is to get the juicy hurt filled emotions out on paper. And then destroy it, e.g., rip it up, burn it in a ceremonial fire.

Write down what you learned from that particular hurt. Now that you have released all those hurt feelings, think about what you learned from that relationship? Taking what you learned, what boundaries can you set, or what needs can you speak that will help prevent that hurt from coming up again. (remember no guarantees here). Let's say someone cheated on you in a past relationship, and you want to let that hurt go. Maybe you learned you need 100% transparency in a relationship or consistent communication if your partner is running late. 

Practice Self Compassion. Even though you have burned them or destroyed your hurts, you will still be tempted to return to the crime scene. So when you are tempted to pick up that watering can, practice self-compassion and remind yourself you are not your past hurt. Move forward with the lesson you learned from that hurt. Repeat as often as necessary.

Making Intentional Decisions: Questions to Ask Yourself

When we bring intention to our lives, we can reduce anxiety. Too often, we make decisions from a place of obligation, should, guilt, or habit. Many of us experience anxiety in our lives because we are constantly trying to fit our square selves into a round hole. Any time we are trying to become something we aren't, it will cause anxiety.

So I encourage you to pay attention to your intention and live your life from a place of purpose and curiosity rather than engaging in activities that drain you or are purely out of obligation. A fundamental way to start is to ask yourself the following questions.

Since it is the holidays, let's use a holiday scenario: Your Friend Lucy asks you if you want to attend her son's performance at a local college. Lucy is a friend of a friend, so you run in the same social circles, but you aren't that close. 

Do I want to go to the concert? Honestly, you are torn. You love music and especially holiday music AND your holiday plate runneth over. You could make it work, but you are already running low on energy, and we haven't even made it to Thanksgiving (this question is a tough one because the answer is rarely black and white--sometimes I will try the coin trick if I get stuck on this question--but the other questions in the series will help narrow down your answer)

What is my motivation? You love holiday music, and you want to be supportive of Lucy's son. You remember what it was like to be performing in college and wanting people to come. You also want to make a good impression with Lucy. (This can be tricky to answer; we don't want to admit that sometimes our motivations can be manipulative, trying to or 'look' good.)

What am I hoping to gain? Getting in the holiday spirit? Getting on Lucy's good side? Your kids are both in school together, and she lives in your neighborhood, so best to get her on your good side. (Frequently, I follow the what is my motivation question with this one because I can convince myself my motivation is pure and straightforward, but when I ask myself what I hope to gain, sometimes the answer isn't so pure :) )

Why am I engaging in this activity?  Because it is easier than saying no. You don't want to upset Lucy and your new friendship, and you do like holiday music. You can make it work with some sacrifice. (Yes, this question is similar to do I want to go, but it is helpful to ask it again and differently because then you might get at a more profound answer. Because the real question here is..."Are the reasons I am giving make this a high enough priority that getting less sleep is worth it?"

What would happen if I said no? Honestly, not much. Lucy knows it is the holiday season, and if you genuinely explain to her that you are just too busy AND hope to see her son perform, she will understand. This is usually the case; if we are honest and genuine with people, they get it. Too often, we convince ourselves if we don't go, Lucy will be so upset, and it will be the end of the relationship. Is your whole relationship with Lucy going to hinge on this one event? Probably not. And if it does, do you want to be friends with someone who would be that petty?

Ok, so I recognize that is an elementary example. But those basic situations happen all the time in our daily lives. When we aren't intentional, we can say yes to activities and people we don't care about without checking our priorities and intentions.

Next time you find yourself complaining about an event or activity, ask yourself, "Did I engage in this activity intentionally, or is it out of obligation?" You have the right to say no. You have the right to make decisions based on your priorities and values.

The Answer is not in the Top 5 Lists

This week my Monger and anxiety got the best of me. One of my go-to coping mechanisms is reading as much as I can about happiness and reducing stress. I read all the articles: 5 Ways to Reduce Stress or the Top 10 Ways to Gain Happiness. Inevitably I am disappointed because I am reminded that the answer is not OUT there. It is internal. I see it in my clients as well. They see me looking for the answer as if it is something external from them. Then I remind them, it is all right there. Slow down, breathe, and have some self-compassion. And they realize yes, they know what to do.

We KNOW what to do. We all KNOW what to do. We can read the 5 Steps to Happiness and the 10 Ways to Reduce Stress articles until we are blue in the face. And yet, at the end of the day, we are one of the most stressed-out societies on the planet. We reach for pills, distractions, and ways to numb rather than implementing the 5 step articles.

I have been questioning this pattern for many months now. And after questioning and observing myself and others, I have found three main themes and these themes center around the need for love, compassion, and empathy.

1. We want an instant fix.

2. We don't want to be uncomfortable.

3. We do it alone.

We want an instant fix. This stuff IS hard. Implementing change, going against the mainstream of push, push, push is very challenging. Even though we all know there is no such thing as an instant fix, we desperately want one (I know I would love to take my five deep breathes and poof have all my stress disappear). It takes patience. It takes persistence. It takes showing up each day and doing the best we can with what we have. Being loving with ourselves and others and circling back when we messed up is paramount.

Pain, Sadness, Depression suck, AND they are a HUGE part of life. They are where the best lessons are lurking. That is where we experience the yin to the yang of life. Without pain, we wouldn't question, improve, search and look for love. They are HARD, and when we are inundated with 5 Steps to Happiness or 10 Ways to Experience Joy, we feel even crappier that we are feeling pain, sadness, and depression. Uncomfortable is part of life. And when we can embrace our uncomfortableness. When we can smother it with empathy and self-compassion, when we can welcome sadness and pain as a very real part of love, risk, and relationships, all of which lead to a full life, we embrace living happier.

We need other people. By far, this is one of the most important lessons I have learned in my life. Doing it alone is one of the main reasons we are so stressed, tired, and exhausted. We need to share our fears, concerns, doubts with other people. We need to build strong, healthy relationships. We need to show up for other people and make time for authentic connections. Again back to empathy, compassion, and love. When I started sharing my fears, expressing my doubts, and opening up about my sadness to the safe people in my life, my stress decreased, my anxiety lessened, and I felt stronger. Having a community is KEY and, it has gotten lost in the shuffle of success, money, and power. 

Many things go into reducing stress and living happier. Each of us has our own journeys in life. And I know the more I relax into the journey, embrace the uncomfortable and reach out to my community, the happier I am.

Self Change vs Self Hate

Too often, in the quest for personal development and change, we forget the importance of self-love and compassion. A client of mine recently pointed out how often she says, "I hate that I_____" fill in the blank, and she realized every time she said that she was saying to herself I hate myself, I wish I were a different person. Yikes!

I have certainly had my brush with this phenomenon. One trait of mine that I am overly critical about is my love of quiet alone time. Given a choice between a night on the couch with my nearest and dearest and a party, I will almost always pick the night on the couch. I enjoy a good party from TIME to TIME, but those times are few and far between.

Last year, during our annual trip to the Smoky Mountains, I experienced a rise of self-hatred. After dinner with my parents, my husband and I headed to the bonfire behind our hotel. Upon our arrival, it was only us. We enjoyed the fire and chatted quietly, making s'mores and having fun. Soon a large group of people arrived on the scene: all couples and all our age. We had interacted with a few of them during our stay, but for the most part, they were strangers. My nearest and dearest, who has never met a stranger, immediately started chatting and laughing with the people as I hung back, wishing for the time before they arrived when it was just him and me.

Quickly, my Monger stepped in to tell me how socially awkward I am and how I will die alone because I am such a FREAK about talking to people, and I heard myself say I HATE that I am such an introvert. Before I knew it, I was in an all-out spiral about what a terrible person I was because I wasn't working on changing my social abilities and how I was keeping my husband back from being more social on and on and on. The following day, I recognized that I had spiraled down a dark rabbit hole and caused myself a lot of unnecessary anxiety. Because the bottom line is: I am an introvert. I have come a LONG way in my ability to socialize, and I am an introvert. I will always have a preference for being alone or in small groups. And that is ok. It is equally ok that my nearest and dearest is an extrovert. He prefers chatting with people and gains a lot of energy from having conversations with strangers. We are different.

As my client, I started building awareness around how often I turned on myself for innate qualities. We are all unique. We all bring unique characteristics to the world that make us extraordinary. Self-change and personal development is amazing, but we are off track if we use them as a reason to hate ourselves. When we embrace ourselves with love and compassion, that is when real change can occur. When we can lean into our anxiety and stop railing against it, that's when we can make the most positive change.

Why Self Help Might Be Causing you Anxiety

The genre of self-help gets a bad rap. It gets a bad rap because there is a lot of bad self-help out there. There is also a lot of good self-help out there (I like to think I fall into that category). But I know I went through a period where my quest to feel better and live happier sent me to the Self Help Section of every book store. My shelves are filled with the "10 ways to Bust Fear" and the "5 Ways to Find Happiness". Eventually, I realized that this self-help wasn't helping my anxiety; it was causing it. I see it with my clients who know some self-help principles and try to implement them into their lives, only to feel discouraged that it isn't working.

I think self-help causes anxiety because it makes us believe:

There is an End Point. We are sold the belief, once you master the five ways, THEN you will find happiness. They don't tell you that it will take a lifetime to master the five ways if you are diligent, intentional, and committed. There is a sign that hangs in my office that says "Enjoy the Journey" it is a reminder that I refer to daily that there is no endpoint. This is a process, a journey, and our job is to enjoy it as much as possible with all of its crazy ups and downs.

There is a Right Way. There is no right way to do your life. The more you look outside of yourself for the answer, the further you will be from finding it. When we live our lives based on what other people think, we can lose sight of what we are thinking. Yes, we can listen to other perspectives and get insight. But too often, when we are seeking answers, we lose the skill of discernment. We forget to ask ourselves: Does this perspective fit my life, and if so, how can I best implement it? Instead, we attempt to swallow the advice whole and then get anxious and blame ourselves when we can't do it 'right.'

It is Easy. Bottom line. This stuff is hard. We might break it down to 5 steps, but those five steps are far from easy. Just because there are few principles doesn't make it easy. A mathematician might solve a math problem in 5 steps, but each of those steps takes a lot of knowledge and explanation. Self Help is a daily practice, some days easier than others. But it is a practice of resilience and intention. The belief that it is easy is the one that annoys me the most because it leaves us feeling anxious and asking, 'what is wrong with me?' when it doesn't come easy. We see experts telling us how extraordinary their lives are because they have practiced the five principles of success. Meanwhile, we don't see their crappy relationships, their ignored children, or their depleted finances. I am NOT saying all Self Help/Psychology experts are charlatans; I am saying it is the experts saying, "all the cool kids are doing it, it is so easy" that we should be suspicious.

The people who I have learned the most from, such as Elizabeth Gilbert, Brené Brown, Dan Harris, or Tara Brach (to name a few), are transparent with their struggles. They are not selling the ease of the practice but the serenity that comes from it.

When we stop looking for the answer outside of ourselves and realize all the wisdom we need comes from getting quiet, paying attention, and listening, then we can live happier.

Spiraling Up

Ugh, life lessons! I think most of us have love-hate relationships with life lessons. As we move through life, we all have things we need to learn, forgiveness, shame, resilience, relationships, jobs, etc. Sometimes the lesson is simple, and sometimes it takes us years to master it. We keep repeating life lessons, and we learn more and more until we have them mastered. I call this phenomenon spiraling up. Spiraling up means we might come back to the lesson, and it might FEEL like we are re-learning the same lesson, but we are experiencing it at a new level with new insight, a new situation, a new challenge. And then, when we have that mastered, we will spiral up to another place.

A client of mine came to see me after her divorce. She was run down and depleted. She had completely lost herself in her marriage and had no sense of self. Now, post-marriage, she wanted to make some changes. We worked together on figuring out what mattered to her, setting boundaries, saying no, and developing a strong sense of who she was. She, in essence, started learning the life lesson: To take care of yourself, you need to set firm boundaries.  Then she entered a new relationship, and this was a new test. She had figured out how to set boundaries with friends/acquaintances, but this was the next level: a significant long-term relationship.

A few months into the relationship, she came back to see me. She was very frustrated with herself because she struggled with telling him no, not losing herself, keeping her own life, setting boundaries, etc. She said, "I thought I had this lesson, and now I am re-learning EVERYTHING," and then I reminded her, no, you are just spiraling up--hitting the lesson at the next level. You still have all that you learned before. Now you are learning how to implement it at THIS level. It is a whole new place. You aren't re-learning; you are learning more. With this new perspective, she was able to relax a bit and remember that she knew how to set boundaries, she knew who she was, and she wasn't the same woman who had married her first husband. She just needed to apply that knowledge to this new relationship.

When you think about life lessons as spiraling up, it gives a new perspective. While we do repeat lessons, we don't unlearn all we have implemented before. We repeat the lesson one step up with the new perspective, new challenges, and new information that we didn't have the last time the lesson came into our lives. So the next time you have a sense of deja vu when it comes to a life lesson, remind yourself, you are just spiraling up.

Who's Running Your Life?

As with most motivational sayings in life, "Stop Living Your Life for Everyone Else" is easy to say. But what does it mean? What does it look like to run your life?

Here are some of my thoughts.

You are the captain of your own life. 

Yes, you have responsibilities, people who count on you, etc. But you decide how you react, what thoughts you choose, and what action you take next. Stuck in a dead-end job but need the money? You might not have a choice about the job right now, but you can always start making an exit plan. You can always start adding activities and people to your life that you love. You are in control of your life.

The downside of being in control of your life is there is no one else to blame. The buck stops with you. So as the captain, if you feel disenfranchised, disheartened, or discouraged, you have to make choices to make it better. Similarly, if you are the captain, you are responsible for the joy and happiness in your life, and the big and little 'wins.'

You can stop chasing the carrot

The common belief is once

• I get the promotion; then, I will be happy.

• I retire, then I will be happy.

• I find my passion; then, I will be happy.

• my kids graduate, then I will be happy.

• I fix my partner; then I will be happy.

There are two issues with endless carrot chasing.

One: the carrot, whatever it is, will never make you less anxious. It will never make you relaxed or less stressed because the carrot keeps moving. The carrot offers a convenient excuse for why we aren't happier now. The logic goes, if I can't be happy until I retire, then I won't be happy until then. It is an easy out to why I am not happy now. Inevitably what happiness is you achieve the carrot, and you still aren't happy. You are still anxious, stressed, and exhausted. Because the key to being happier and living with less anxiety is to recognize that while it is wonderful to plan for the future, this moment, right now, is all you have.

Two: The carrot might not be YOUR big dream. The carrot probably belongs to someone else. When you quest for something, you have to be clear that it is what you want. It is your goal. And most of the time, when the future goal aligns with your higher purpose, you won't have the belief that 'once I get it, I will be happier' because half the fun is engaging in the quest. Whenever you find yourself saying 'when I ___ then I will be ____' ask yourself where is that belief coming from, and is it true?

You can stop going to committee.

When you are always trying to do what everyone else wants, you always have to go to the committee to check in. Your committee can consist of friends, family, bosses, co-workers, mentors, etc. Support people are amazing! There is no way you could live a life without support people. But a committee is a different beast. When you go to committee, you are looking to them for the answer. When you go to your support people, you are looking for support of your wisdom.

So let's say you have to decide about a new job at work:

Committee: You don't pause to ask yourself. You don't get quiet and curious. You run around asking your committee what to do. Your committee members give you feedback, and you take the majority's opinion or whoever you respect the most.

Support People: You take the time to pause and question, and you come up with what you think will be the best choice for you. You decide if you want to take the job or not, and you ask your support people for their thoughts or ideas. Then you DISCERN for yourself what is best.

The anxiety that comes from polling everyone and constantly looking outwards is 10 fold that of quietly looking inwards.

Being in control of your own life might appear scarier and riskier. But there is nothing as extraordinary as waking up each day knowing you have the choice in your own life.

Why Do You Show Up Each Day?

How am I going to get the laundry done?

How am I going to finish that work project?

When am I going to get to the grocery store?

It is Frank' Birthday, and I need to buy him a gift.

Not to mention the charity event I agreed to host.

AHHH, I am never going to get everything done.

Sound familiar?

Overwhelm is commonplace in our society. Most of us live in a constant state of overwhelm or anxiety. One of the leading causes of overwhelm is wanting to be all things to all people. Wanting to do the unattainable, which is to make everyone happy. We have everyone else as a priority in our lives, and so everyone else gets put ahead of us. One trick to dealing with overwhelm is getting very clear on your priorities. When your priorities start getting pushed out by other people's priorities, you get into trouble.

One of my favorite ways to deal with overwhelm is to get very, very clear on what is most important. One way I have found to get to the heart of that question is to ask them another question:

Why do you show up each day? 

So basically, what keeps you coming back? Why do you show up to your life each day? Usually, initial answers include work, money, responsibility, family. But when you can drill down and keep getting more specific, the areas of your life that are MOST important to you start to emerge. These answers include my kids, my partner, making a difference in the world, sharing my gifts, giving back, being a good daughter or sister or mother, etc.

When we know why we show up each day, what is most important in our lives, we know our top priorities, and we can let the other stuff go. When we know that family, money, giving back, being kind, and our physical health are the most important things in our lives. We can then learn to say no to all the people/ideas/activities that don't feed those priorities.

For example, you come home from work overwhelmed and stressing about an interaction with a co-worker, Your spouse leans in to hug you, and you remember, THIS right here, THIS is what is important. Work will be there tomorrow; this problem is not life or death. Or you snap at your spouse, he snaps back, and before you even know what is happening, you are in a knockdown drag-out fight, and you think, "Why are we fighting?" And you remember, he is one of your top priorities. Work is not. You apologize and ask for the hug that you needed earlier. Both are examples of letting the non-priorities go.

One of the causes of overwhelm is a mix-up in priorities. Confusion around why we show up for our lives? I love this question because it is an excellent reminder that you have a choice every day to show up. So often, we treat life like it is a play that was written for us. You are actively writing your life every single day!! When you know why you show up, you can then start prioritizing your life around those ideas. And start letting the other stuff go.

As you notice yourself getting overwhelmed or anxious, stop breathe and ask yourself, "Why do I show up each day?" and take the time to notice the answer.

Building Anxiety Resilience: A Conveyor Belt of Thoughts

If you struggle with anxiety, one of the hardest things to do is relax. Sitting still is so painful you would rather put toothpicks under your fingernails. The minute you sit still, you become overrun with THOUGHTS, lots and lots of thoughts.

Here is a typical example of thoughts of an anxious brain:

"OK, so I am just going to sit here and just be for 5 minutes. Whatever happened with that project at work—I need to finish the laundry—did the leak in the basement ever get fixed—did I email Frank about the issue with the spreadsheet—that issue was not my fault—he got so upset for nothing—did I make an appointment for the dogs at the vet—what am I going to make for dinner. Frank is such a jerk—I can't believe he went to our boss about that stupid problem—STOP just be—this just being is hard—I don't think I am very good at this—STOP focus on just being—I need to clean up last night's dirty dishes—what about dinner—maybe I should schedule a meeting with Frank and my boss—.is Joey coming home from college this weekend—where are we going to spend Christmas—I wish we could just hang here—what about dinner?"

THOUGHTS play there all day long. They are like items on a conveyor belt. The conveyor belt continues to work whether you are listening or not. At any given time, you can pick up a thought and hold on to it, inspect it, and let it consume you. This is where anxiety comes in, obsessive thoughts. We pick up each thought off the conveyor belt and inspect it thoroughly to the point that all of our thoughts feel powerful and important. We falsely believe, if I am thinking about it, it must be important. Sitting quietly allows us to disconnect from the conveyor belt. It allows our brain to rest and our intuitive voice to hang out for a little while. Or you can watch the thoughts go by - unattached disconnected. The joy of sitting quietly for 5 minutes comes in building a practice just being able to watch those thoughts go by. The practice is to imagine each thought as an item on a conveyor belt. At the 5 minutes begin, watch the thoughts go by on the conveyor belt. If you pick up a thought and start inspecting it—kindly remind yourself to put it back. Sometimes having a word or phrase you can repeat is helpful to bring you back to the center.

Let's look at the example again:

"OK, so I am just going to sit here and be—just 5 minutes. My Mantra is "Peace"—Whatever happened with that project at work—there it goes, just observe it. PEACE—I need to finish the laundry—did the leak in the basement ever get fixed—did I email Frank about the issue with the spreadsheet—that issue was not my fault—he got so upset for nothing— OK, put the thought back on the conveyor belt—PEACE—PEACE—PEACE—did I make an appointment for the dogs at the vet—what am I going to make for dinner—let dinner go back on the conveyor belt—PEACE—Frank is such a jerk—I can't believe he went to our boss about that stupid problem—and back on the conveyor belt—PEACE—I need to clean up last night's dirty dishes—last night's dishes what am I going to make for tonight's dinner— OK back to PEACE—maybe I should schedule a meeting with Frank and my boss—letting it go—PEACE—PEACE—PEACE."

The thoughts keep coming, the conveyor belt keeps working, and the more we practice not getting stuck on any one item, the more we can find a moment of peace, a break from the anxiety. Eventually, as you practice, you will become more skilled at this practice of building anxiety resilience through noticing your conveyor belt of thoughts. Anxiety comes from obsessive thoughts, so building a practice of not obsessing is a key to building anxiety resilience.

Making Yourself A Priority

The term self-care is WAY over-used. It always seems too trite--get a massage, take a bubble bath, eat fancy chocolates. Those are cursory examples of self-care. A big part of reducing anxiety is knowing your values, knowing your priorities, and living your life based on those priorities. Earlier this year, I started changing my self-talk, "you need to engage in more self-care." Which, for me, means massages, bubble baths, and fancy chocolates to "you need to make yourself more of a priority."

Making myself more of a priority means:

• actively engaging in mindfulness techniques

• adding more yoga to my life

• actively participating in what I wanted to do in my life.

• Looking at myself, mind, body, and spirit.

Recently, I realized that I had been ignoring the body part of body, mind, and spirit. To put myself first, I needed to take a hard look at how I was treating my body. What food was I feeding myself? How was I eating? When was I eating? How was I moving my body? etc.

Last year, I had a few health issues that took me away from my regular workout routine and left me feeling pretty much old and defeated. I realized I couldn't make myself a priority unless I made my body a priority. My body has always been a touchy subject. I wasn't an overweight child; I wasn't even an overweight 20-year-old, but I never loved and appreciated my body. It wasn't until my 30s that weight became an issue. But since then, I have yo-yoed and dieted, worked out like a crazy person, and restricted way too much. By the time I hit 40, I was 80 lbs overweight and tired of the whole weight game, so I decided at 40, enough was enough. I was done thinking about food and diets. I was tired of shaming myself into eating the 'right' foods and weighing the 'right amount. I would eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and try to bring as much mindfulness to it as possible. And I did just that; I ate when I was hungry and ate whatever I wanted. I didn't gain any weight----I didn't lose any weight either, I maintained. But slowly, over time, the mindfulness peace faded away, and I just ended up ignoring my body. I knew I had been ignoring my body, and I also knew I didn't want to go back to the place of shame and ridicule about my body.

Then one day, I was procrastinating writing and randomly googling things, and I came across this article about Oprah's weight struggles, and I realized I am out of balance. I have lost touch with myself as a priority. I loved what Oprah says, "I am not hungry for food. I am hungry for balance." And so that has what I have started doing, asking myself what I am hungry for. Sometimes it is actual hunger, but most of the time, it is balance, a break, a hug, or a chance to let go and step back. Self-care has become a place where I notice my body, notice how I feel in my body, notice how food cravings come up, notice how certain foods make me feel.

Weight, diets, bodies are such dirty words in our society. The truth is carrying extra weight is bad for my health. The truth is food can't make me feel a certain way. The year of eating whatever I want hasn't made me feel more peaceful---it has been WAY easier--but not more peaceful. What has been more peaceful? When I started putting myself, my health, and my body as a top priority again.

Your struggle may not be weight, but I ask you:

Where are you not putting yourself as a priority? At work? At home? In your body?

What are you HUNGRY for?

When Will I Be Good Enough?

Pause. Take a breath and ask yourself, "When Will I Be Good Enough?" and wait.

When you

• finish everything on your to-do list?

• live life on your terms?

• quit your job?

• successfully raise your kids?

For many people, the answer to that question is "I don't know." The self-help, psychology answer is: You are enough right now. You are enough just because you are on this planet as a member of the earth. While, yes, we are all enough right now, we need to answer this question of "When will I be good enough?" on a personal level. We just haven't chosen to examine the answer because we have falsely tied our productivity to feeling worthy and good enough.

Much of our society is fed by the rule: The more productive you are, the more worthy you are.

When we go to a party, we are asked, "What do you do?" or "Where do you work?"

When we are asked the question, "How are you?" We reply with "Busy, busy busy, I don't know where the time goes," and the response is a knowing nod.

We are plagued by the "never enough time" lament and the "who had less sleep" competition. And because of it, we are an overwhelmed, exhausted, unhappy society.

On the first night of the Daring Greatly course, we talk about Brené Brown's Guideposts for Wholehearted Living, and #7 is Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self‐Worth.

When I read that out loud to the group, there was an audible sigh followed by, "Yes, I want to do that! I want to stop trying everything to my productivity!! How do I do that?!?"

And the answer is one of those simple yet oh so complex responses: 

• Pay attention and gradually start re-programming the go-go-go mentality.

• Notice how many times you get stuck in the busy, busy, busy mentality. How often do you lament "I am SO busy" or litany off your to-do list to yourself or someone else in the hopes of looking busy? Because busy is such a comfortable habit for many of us, I have found it helpful to build natural stopping points throughout the day to check-in and see if I am falling victim to my to-do list. You might post sticky notes around the house, so when you see a sticky note, you check-in or set the alarm on your phone, and every time it rings, you check-in.

• Notice how often your Monger starts hammering you when you decide to enjoy some play and rest. Notice what she says. Notice the themes of the messages. Lovingly ask it to be quiet because you are playing right now.

• Each time you catch yourself getting caught up in the belief system "that the more I do, the better I am," remind yourself that you are good enough now.

• Ask yourself:

  • What do I want my life to feel like?

  • Is doing, doing, doing helping me feel that way?

  • Does feeling anxious, stressed, and busy make me feel good?

  • Can I step out of the busy, busy, busy mode for 5 minutes?

• Gradually, as you practice building awareness and taking a break from the go, go, go, you will take longer and longer breaks. Five minutes will be ten which will expand to 45 minutes and then 90. And over time, your body will recognize how wonderful it feels not to be chasing the carrot.

• Find like-minded people who also want to decrease the concept that I am only worthy if I am productive. Engage in real conversations about:

  • What you want out of life,

  • How would you answer the question when will I be good enough?

  • How you want your life to feel?

  • What can you do to decrease the pull of society to be busy, busy, busy?

No matter how much you check off your list, the carrot will just keep moving. Serenity only comes when you start letting go of the societal definition of success and get clear on your definition of success.

I'll ask it again: When Will I Be Good Enough?

Decreasing Anxiety in a Quick Fix Society

Life moves fast. All day long, there are millions of pieces of information flying at us on how to be better, more successful, and of course, happier. There is so much talk of instant gratification, fad diets, quick fixes, and fast money. And with all the fast-moving, instant messaging, snap chatting, there is a push back a yearning for quiet, meditation, simple pleasures, and enjoying the little things. These two polarities are ever-present in our lives.

On the one hand, we know to engage with life, we need to disconnect, and on the other hand, we know that society and our Monger are telling us to keep up, get stuff done and be successful. It is enough to make even the calmest person anxious (heaven forbid, you already struggle with anxiety!). So, what are we supposed to do?

What are we supposed to do when we KNOW that

getting quiet and listening is the key. And yet, we are afraid of the answers that might come forth?

Living a life based on our values is life-changing. And yet, living our values might piss off a lot of people. Living our values might cause some significant upheaval in our lives?

Meditation and mindfulness is the #1 way to decrease anxiety. And yet, sitting in that quiet is almost scarier than having a heart attack?

Speaking our needs and setting healthy boundaries are important. And yet, sometimes the pushback is just too exhausting?

Admitting we aren't as perfect as we appear and we don't have it all together is important. And yet, we are scared to death be that vulnerable?

I believe we are supposed to do three things: 

Give yourself a break. Understand that decreasing anxiety and being authentic isn't going to happen overnight. They aren't a quick fix. They are lifelong practices, and there will be days that you don't want to engage in the practice. Reminder yourself THAT IS OK. Tomorrow is another day.

Show up. Shut down the auto-pilot mode and show up for your life. Notice when you are feeling anxious, when you are running into old patterns, and looking for the 'easy out.' Just Notice. Show up and be imperfect.

Ask for help. We can't do this stuff alone. Ask your inner circle to give you what you need to keep you on the path, whether that be a kick in the butt, support, or words of wisdom. Ask for help.

Happiness Doesn't Equal Perfection

Perfection is a myth. It's an impossible quest. If I asked you what you loved about your spouse, best friend, or children, you would name all the wonderful traits unique to them. I would wager that none of the traits are rooted in perfection. Often, the things we love most in others are the imperfections that make them unique; their silly laugh, ability to crack a joke at the most inappropriate times, how they look when they first wake up in the morning, etc.

Rationally, we know imperfections are beautiful qualities that we should embrace (in others). We KNOW that what we love most about OTHERS are their imperfections, yet the personal quest for perfection still plagues us. We get caught up in doing it right, not being wrong, and, most importantly, being perceived as having it all together.

So if we KNOW our beauty comes from our imperfections, why do we strive so much for perfection? 

Because imperfection is vulnerable, you probably aren't afraid to show your imperfect self to those who love you, but showing those lovely imperfections to the world feels vulnerable and scary.

The problem is that maintaining the illusion of perfection is a roller coaster ride from hell. There is never an end, never a victory, and there is always more to do. It is the ultimate chase of the ever-moving carrot because we quest for something that doesn't exist. It leaves us feeling anxious, exhausted, and disappointed.

So what can you do about it?

• Get curious about how perfection shows up in your life.

• Start paying attention to where you are questing for perfection. Whether it lies in getting ready for a social event, working on a project for work, or even just doing the dishes, start noticing when you get caught up in the outcome being perfect.

• As you notice the quest for perfection and the when/what triggers it - start actively engaging it. :

• Share your imperfections with someone who cares about you and can provide empathy and support.

• Ask those closest to you to share what they love about you. When you get triggered to be perfect, look at that list and LOVINGLY remind yourself that you are chasing an impossible goal. Lovingly remind yourself that your beauty comes from your imperfections.

In my job, the temptation is to let everyone think I am HAPPY all the time, that my life is perfect. But Living Happier doesn't equal perfection. Living Happier is embracing imperfection. Understanding that shame, anxiety, and fear are all a part of life. It is impossible to rid ourselves of them, but it is possible to build resiliency when they show up.

The 4am Visitor

Slowly, you roll over and look at the clock. "Oh good, it's 4am. I have more time to sleep," you say to yourself. Then you realize you have to go to the bathroom - a risky proposition because sleep is a valuable commodity these days. You know that if you go to the bathroom, you run the potential of running into your 4 am Visitor: The What Were You, Thinking Monger. You stumble to the bathroom, careful not to think about anything, run into anything or wake up more than necessary. As you lay back down, thinking that you have successfully dodged the enemy, you have a flashing thought of the party you went to the previous night, and it starts.

"What were you thinking wearing that dress? You looked like you were begging for attention!"

"I can't believe you said ____ to Mary. She is going to think you are a freak!"

"You totally should have said more to the host. You are so rude!"

As you lay there swimming in thought, your breath quickens, your skin gets clammy, and your chest tightens. Finally, you pull yourself out of bed, knowing sleep is futile at this point.

The 4 am Visitor is ruthless. It is one thing to deal with our Monger during the day when we are at full capacity, but at night, our defenses are down, and we are caught off guard. We have a more difficult time separating truth from reality at night, so the messages seem even more powerful and accurate.

Earlier this week, I was visited by the 4am Visitor. I spun off for a while and let her just hammer me. My heart was racing, I was freaking out about stuff I had said and done earlier that day, and I was falling for her words, hook line, and sinker. I was just about ready to give up and head down to turn on the TV when I thought: "Wait a minute, is this even true?"

That brief thought turned the What were you thinking Monger on her toes, but she quickly replied, "Of course!" and spun the story one more time back to how terrible I had been.

But by asking myself, "Is that true?" I created a gap between her and me. I could recognize that she was no longer my voice. She was the voice of the 4am Visitor. After creating that gap, I worked to change my thoughts. She was persistent, but, each time her voice filled my brain, I shifted to one of my go-to thoughts.

My go-to thoughts are those thoughts I use to help myself fall asleep such as:

• naming the 50 states

• naming the presidents

• walking through your high school, college dorm, or familiar place

• replaying a fun vacation

• reliving a fun day

Eventually (and much quicker than I thought possible), I fell asleep. When I woke up the following day, I was thrilled that I had successfully turned off my 4am Visitor.

Don't Speak to Me Like That

Imagine this scenario.

You are headed to lunch with friends. As you walk into the restaurant, the hostess says to you, "Nice dress...what made you think pink was a good color on you."

You find your friends, and you give them all a quick hug. As she is pulling away, your friend Sandy says, "Have you gained some weight? You felt a little soft around the middle".

You take your seat to look through the menu. Everyone is discussing whether to have a glass of wine or not and as you speak up, that wine sounds good. Melissa looks at you and says, "REALLY!?! You need those extra calories, drinking in the middle of the day. That is pretty pathetic."

You tell the waitress that you would like a Reuben and a glass of red, and she says, "WHAT?!?!...do you know how fatty a Reuben is...I think a salad would be a better choice!"

After lunch, everyone is enjoying their drinks and discussing the latest events around town. You chime in about a project you are excited about at work, and Mandy chimes in, "Well, who do you think you are?!, Must think you are pretty special if you think you can successfully handle that event."

As you make your way home, you accidentally pull out in front of another car. At the next light, they pull up next to you and scream, "Idiot...where did you get your license?!?!".

Can you imagine??? Can you imagine if everyone in your life talked to you this way? I doubt you would be this calm. I doubt you would just take it. You would be angry, disappointed, sad. You would react with a quick come back or at the very least a "be quiet, mind your own business."

But for many of us, these are the comments that go on in our heads all day long. No one is verbally saying them out loud, but we hear them day in and day out all day long. Our Monger is silently speaking them to ourselves.

Imagine if you had a person following you around verbalizing what your Monger repeats all day long in your head. You would be annoyed, infuriated, and astounded. The only difference is that our Monger's voice isn't heard by anyone else but ourselves. And so, they become a buzzing sound of negativity—a constant hammering of ourselves.

We associate our Monger's voice with the truth when it is our Biggest Fan that truly speaks the truth. The calm, loving voice of reason. When we can start recognizing that the negative voice inside our head is not the Biggest Fan, we can start shifting.

I have found the best way to rid ourselves of the Monger that plague us is to personify her and give her an identity separate from us.

Through drawing, coloring, painting, or creating a collage, you can personify these two parts of yourself. So you have a visual of what your Monger looks like, and whenever you hear that yippy voice, you can visualize them outside of your head and lovingly ask them to leave the room. You can also visualize your Biggest Fan and all its wisdom.

Unfortunately, the Monger will always exist. We are hard-wired to be critical of ourselves. BUT through actively engaging her, personifying her, and lovingly showing them the door, we can decrease their intensity and frequency.

The Complexity of Boundaries

Boundaries are one of the hardest things to set AND one of the most instrumental tools for leading a happier life.

When we know how to set and hold healthy boundaries:

• We have more energy for the people and activities that matter most to us.

• We are living with integrity and not engaging in people-pleasing activities.

• We will have less drama and angst because there will be clarity on where we stand and what is most important.

Crossed or over-stepped boundaries show up all the time. We tend to think setting boundaries is all about just saying no. And while saying no is important, boundary setting can become much more nuanced.

Here are some simple ways boundaries can affect your life:

Your neighbor asks you to look after her kids for the third time without reciprocating. You don’t want to be petty, but you value your time, and you want her to respect it as well.

Your friend asks for your support in setting up a jewelry party. You HATE jewelry parties and feel torn between wanting to help out your friend and not wanting to spend a whole weekend getting ready for a party that you don’t want to throw.

Your spouse says yes to an event without asking you (for the third time in a row). He has a habit of just saying yes, and then checking with you later. One of his mottos is that it is easier to beg for forgiveness rather than ask for permission - and it is wearing thin.

Your co-worker signs you up to bring the main course to the company picnic. Just because you have volunteered for it every other year doesn’t mean this year you want to be cooking all night.

Your grown daughter asks for money again - you don’t want her to go into debt, but you don’t want to keep giving her more and more money. You wonder: where is the line?

Your mom keeps giving your sister money and then complaining about her reckless spending to you - you are tired of hearing about it. You want to be supportive, but why should her lack of boundaries affect you?

Setting boundaries can be way more complex than just saying no. Changing patterns and expectations can leave you asking, “Wait a minute!’ or “Is this happening?” When your gut makes that lurch of ‘WHAT?!’ Do a double-take and ask, does there need to be a boundary here?

Tips For Setting Boundaries:

• When someone asks you to do something, use the phrase “I will get back to you” or “I have to check my calendar.” This gives you space from the immediate pressure to say yes and allows you to say no when you are ready and more comfortable.

• Remember: you are not responsible for ‘protecting’ the other person. It’s okay to disappoint them and not solve their problem. You don’t have to take care of everyone and everything.

• Along that same vein, you don’t have to Justify, Prove, Defend or atone for saying no or setting a boundary. You are allowed to say no, change your mind, or opt-out.

Embracing the Do-Over

Remember when you were a child, and you were playing a game, something went wrong (you whiffed the ball, missed the goal, or completely tanked the basket), and someone would scream "do-over," which simply meant try again. No harm, no foul--you get a free pass to try it all again. It is one of my favorite things to cry out whenever we play darts (which I LOVE playing and am terrible at). Frequently I will completely miss the board, and the dart will fall to the ground, and I say "do-over."

As adults, we don't grant ourselves a lot of do-vers. However, do-overs are a necessity in the practice of Living Happier. Anytime we are learning something new, practicing something different, or improving ourselves, we need room to make mistakes and correct them--thus the do-over. Some great examples of do-overs are:

You realize mid-sentence that the words coming out of your mouth are not phrased the way you want them to be, and the conversation is not going well, and you pause and ask, "Can we start over?".

In the middle of an argument, you realize this has taken a very bad turn; you can simply pause and say, "Let's pause and re-group here."

You end a conversation with a friend and worry that there might have been a misunderstanding, so you simply call them and say, "Can we do that conversation over?"

After walking away from a business meeting, you realize you might have joked at the wrong moment at a co-worker's expense, so you go to their office and say, "I want to apologize for making a bad joke."

Embracing the Do-Over not only allows us to decrease hurt feelings, but it allows us to practice being genuine, authentic human beings who don't always get it right the first time. Too often, we are too embarrassed to admit the need for a do-over. Our ego takes over and digs in, and we become too focused on being right, not wanting to admit we messed up, etc.

Do-overs allow us to practice the art of:

• Setting Boundaries (if it doesn't go well--you can always ask for a do-over)

• Conflict Management (if it heads down the wrong path--you can always ask for a do-over)

• Offering Empathy and Listening without Unsolicited Advice (if it heads down the wrong path--you can always ask for a do-over)

The Do-Over allows for the mistakes and inconsistencies that come with being flawed, beautiful human beings.

I guarantee, embracing the do-over will change your life.

Stopping Overwhelm

Busy, Busy, Busy. We are all extremely busy. The feeling of overwhelm seems to be something a lot of people I know are dealing with. Keeping schedules straight, remembering all the little things, and having a life seems to cause a significant energy drain. I wanted to write a few tips I have (and some I need to pay attention to myself) on dealing with overwhelm.

Do an energy inventory.

How much of your time are you spending doing activities that drain you? How much of your time are you spending doing activities you think you should do?

Sometimes we are overwhelmed by positive events, e.g. starting a new job, having a baby, moving, remodeling, etc. Change can be a major energy add and a major energy drain. Even if your life is packed with positive changes, they can be draining. So make sure you take time to add in activities that purely fill you up. Take a night to read a good book, go out with friends, veg on the couch, plan a dance party, take a walk around the block, do yoga. Whatever small activities you can add to the day to re-fill your energy is helpful.

Beware of the Shoulds.

One of the biggest energy drains I know is the activities we think we SHOULD be doing or we HAVE to do them because so and so said it. For perfectionists and people pleasers, this behavior is common because we want to make others happy and don't always think that there might be another way. When you find one of these activities, ask yourself, "What would happen if I didn't do this activity?" or "Can I brainstorm a way around this activity?" Frequently the story that we have built up in our head of the sky falling or being a terrible person isn't true.

Be honest.

You can't do it all. So figure out what you need and ask for it. Too often, we are so busy running from one thing to another don't take the time to pause and figure out where we could be getting some help. Take the time to reflect and pause and see where you could say no and where you could be asking for something to make life easier.

Take Control.

Only you can manage your energy flow. Other people aren't going to do it for you (such a bummer, I know). You need to take active control in managing your energy, e.g., saying no, speaking up, setting boundaries, and filling your time with activities that add energy.

When You Feel Like an 8th Grader Learning Advanced Calculus

I recently had someone say to me that there are days she feels like she has a Ph.D. in quieting her anxiety, and there are days she feels like a Kindergartener. Meaning there are days when everything is clicking, The Monger is in her place, anxiety takes a back seat, and she is in the flow. And then there are days where the Monger seems to live on her shoulder, anxiety is her constant companion, and life is bumpy and challenging. So very true. There is something both humbling and reassuring for me about that observation.

Last weekend I had a kindergarten experience. I am on vacation this week with my parents. My Dad has been living with Parkinson's with Dementia for the past few years. The disease is slowly taking him down both mentally and physically. My Dad, in his heyday, was Large and In Charge--a force to be reckoned with.; a man whose dynamic energy emanated from him and whom you respected just because of his mere presence. This disease has taken that from him. Bit by bit, he is no longer the Man in Charge but a 'cute old man' who gets pitying looks and knowing smiles as he walks by.

As we prepared for the vacation, I was a stress ball. Running from thing to thing and crazed about checking things off my to-do list. My number one sign that my anxiety is high is the belief that once I get everything cleared off my to-do list, I will feel better. Once I finish my to-do list, then I will be able to relax. I place my anxiety/stress into other activities. If you asked me last Friday, "What are you most stressed about?" I would have said, "my to-do list, or packing for the trip." In reality, the reason I was running as fast as possible, I was going to spend five days with my Dad. His disease, his decline, the changes in him were going to be in my face all week. There was no not going to be room for denial (one of my favorite coping mechanisms)

Last Friday, I worked until almost 10 pm, and as I was getting ready for bed, I finally took a moment to pause, breathe and be present. And the tears started flowing. I couldn't run anymore. I looked at myself in the mirror and quietly said, "Oh sweet pea, this sucks, you can't control this."

And it hit me. No matter how much I planned, no matter how much I checked off my to-do list, Dad was still sick no matter how much I took control of the vacation. This vacation wasn't going to be relaxing and carefree. This vacation would be full of ups and downs, harsh realities, frustrating situations, and tender moments. So I cried, I sobbed really, and my nearest and dearest came up and hugged me and just silently held the space for me.

I am attempting to experience this vacation with a new presence, a softened presence, a less in-control presence. I am spending my energy trying to embrace 'what is' instead of spending my energy railing against the obvious. This week I am actively working on this particular lesson, and it has involved tears, hugs, laughter, anxiety, and long walks. I admit I struggle with this particular lesson and feel like an Eight Grader learning Advanced Calculus, but I wouldn't have it any other way. This is why I teach about quieting anxiety. It is a process.

I am so honored to have you on the journey with me.

Part 3: Twelve Practical Ways to Reduce Anxiety

Today we are wrapping up my 3 part series on Practical Ways to Reduce Anxiety. Check out Part One and Part Two.

As a reminder:

Anxiety, Stress, Overwhelm, whatever your name for, the constant need to "go go go" is driving you crazy, affecting not only your physical health but your personal life, work-life, and your overall happiness.

Common signs of this issue:

• You are constantly checking your to-do list.

• The feeling of unworthiness

• Checking and double-checking everything

• Always on the go, always something to do "busy, busy, busy."

• Trouble relaxing even when you have set aside time to relax.

• Frequent physical symptoms: racing heart, headaches, stomach aches, or insomnia (to name a few)

 Here are the final #9-12

1. Deal with your Monger:

Your Monger is the voice in your head telling you how much you suck. This voice creates anxiety because she chatters unconsciously, tells you how terrible you are as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, or worker. And you become convinced that if you work harder and faster and better, you can shut her up. I am here to tell you that you will never shut her up by BEING better because she will always move the bar higher and higher. The only way to outwit your Monger is to face her with loving compassion. To bring her into your awareness, thank her for her concern and lovingly show her the door.

2. Play:

Those of us who deal with anxiety seldom take time to play because we are constantly doing. No time for play!!! Start making time for play. From laughing with your kids to playing a game, find something you love doing and embrace it. Get dirty, be ridiculous, laugh until your belly hurts, and experience pure joy. When you are engaged in play, there is no room for anxiety.

3. Allot Time for Worry:

Worry can be on a perpetual loop. It becomes so natural that you don't even realize you are worrying. When we allow time for worrying, it serves us in two ways:  

1. It gives you permission to worry and feed that loop and then gives you permission to stop.  

2. It allows you to experience worrying vs. not worrying. When you are stuck on perpetual worry, you don't even know what it feels like not to worry. 

Each day, allot time to worry, set a timer, write down all your worries and fret as much as you want, and then when the timer goes off, stop worrying. Throughout the day, when you catch yourself worrying lovingly, remind yourself that worry time is over and move on (FYI, you might have to remind yourself MANY times throughout the day)

4. Stop Multi-Tasking:

Multi-tasking is an anxious person's, Achilles Heel. Multi-tasking feeds the desire to get a lot done, be productive, and go-go-go. Multi-tasking also naturally causes anxiety because you are completely cut off from your body when you are multi-tasking. Multi-tasking might make you feel like you are accomplishing a lot, but in reality, you are just amping yourself up and causing more anxiety. As much as you can, limit yourself to one task at a time.

In case you missed it:

• Part 1: Tips 1-4

• Part 2: Tips 5-8