When Will I Be Good Enough?

Pause. Take a breath and ask yourself, "When Will I Be Good Enough?" and wait.

When you

• finish everything on your to-do list?

• live life on your terms?

• quit your job?

• successfully raise your kids?

For many people, the answer to that question is "I don't know." The self-help, psychology answer is: You are enough right now. You are enough just because you are on this planet as a member of the earth. While, yes, we are all enough right now, we need to answer this question of "When will I be good enough?" on a personal level. We just haven't chosen to examine the answer because we have falsely tied our productivity to feeling worthy and good enough.

Much of our society is fed by the rule: The more productive you are, the more worthy you are.

When we go to a party, we are asked, "What do you do?" or "Where do you work?"

When we are asked the question, "How are you?" We reply with "Busy, busy busy, I don't know where the time goes," and the response is a knowing nod.

We are plagued by the "never enough time" lament and the "who had less sleep" competition. And because of it, we are an overwhelmed, exhausted, unhappy society.

On the first night of the Daring Greatly course, we talk about Brené Brown's Guideposts for Wholehearted Living, and #7 is Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self‐Worth.

When I read that out loud to the group, there was an audible sigh followed by, "Yes, I want to do that! I want to stop trying everything to my productivity!! How do I do that?!?"

And the answer is one of those simple yet oh so complex responses: 

• Pay attention and gradually start re-programming the go-go-go mentality.

• Notice how many times you get stuck in the busy, busy, busy mentality. How often do you lament "I am SO busy" or litany off your to-do list to yourself or someone else in the hopes of looking busy? Because busy is such a comfortable habit for many of us, I have found it helpful to build natural stopping points throughout the day to check-in and see if I am falling victim to my to-do list. You might post sticky notes around the house, so when you see a sticky note, you check-in or set the alarm on your phone, and every time it rings, you check-in.

• Notice how often your Monger starts hammering you when you decide to enjoy some play and rest. Notice what she says. Notice the themes of the messages. Lovingly ask it to be quiet because you are playing right now.

• Each time you catch yourself getting caught up in the belief system "that the more I do, the better I am," remind yourself that you are good enough now.

• Ask yourself:

  • What do I want my life to feel like?

  • Is doing, doing, doing helping me feel that way?

  • Does feeling anxious, stressed, and busy make me feel good?

  • Can I step out of the busy, busy, busy mode for 5 minutes?

• Gradually, as you practice building awareness and taking a break from the go, go, go, you will take longer and longer breaks. Five minutes will be ten which will expand to 45 minutes and then 90. And over time, your body will recognize how wonderful it feels not to be chasing the carrot.

• Find like-minded people who also want to decrease the concept that I am only worthy if I am productive. Engage in real conversations about:

  • What you want out of life,

  • How would you answer the question when will I be good enough?

  • How you want your life to feel?

  • What can you do to decrease the pull of society to be busy, busy, busy?

No matter how much you check off your list, the carrot will just keep moving. Serenity only comes when you start letting go of the societal definition of success and get clear on your definition of success.

I'll ask it again: When Will I Be Good Enough?