Dealing with Negative Self-Talk Part 2: Curiosity

In part 1, I started talking about the negative voice in our heads; I call it a Monger. I had so much to say I decided to make it a two-part series.

A Monger according to Merriam-Webster, is:

 "something which attempts to stir up or spread something that is usually petty or discreditable."

In Part 1, we learned about the importance of building awareness and having curiosity around our Monger. Today we are going to talk about what to do once you hear the voice.

For years, people have said you need to fight your voice. She is causing you harm, so we need to declare war on our Monger. I disagree with this theory. I have always wondered why would we want to declare war on a part of us? The Monger is a part of us.  

Regardless of how she got there, she is there, and she is doing her job, spreading half-truths and faulty logic. So rather than hating on her, what if we were curious about her?

What if every time you heard your Monger voice, you acknowledge her and had some curiosity about her? As a point of clarity, there is a HUGE difference between acknowledging her and believing her. Remember I said that she is spreading information that can be discreditable, but some of the information might be worth hearing—usually, the Monger's presentation style could use some work. By having curiosity, I am not saying engage in a battle of wills with her. The Monger tends to play dirty, is highly irrational, and extremely emotionally charged. So logical debates don't help.

By being curious, I mean, what is the Monger afraid of? What is she trying to protect you from?

Note: I know the example below might sound crazy and a little "woo woo," but I swear when I implement this behavior, it immediately relaxes my Monger and decreases her energy.  

Here is a great example: You are coming home from work, you had a meeting earlier in the day that you were responsible for that went ok. Not great, but ok. In the course of the meeting, you were assigned a job that is a little out of your comfort zone, one you KNOW you are qualified to do but haven't done it before. As you are in the car, your Monger starts talking:

 "You are going to lose your job. There is no way you can do this task. They are going to see you for the failure you are. They only gave it to you because they are desperate. You suck."

In the past, you would have driven home and gone right for the kitchen to pour yourself a glass of wine or eat a box of Oreos. But today, you welcome the voice and say,

"Hello, Monger, I hear what you are saying. What are you really afraid of? What are you protecting me from?"

And the Monger will go off again perhaps even more insistent with,

 "I KNOW you, and I know you are weak and stupid, and soon everyone at your firm will see that too."

And so you take a deep breath and calmly reply,

"Hello, Monger, I hear what you are saying. What are you really afraid of? What are you protecting me from?"

The first time you do this, you might have to repeat it 4 or 5 times, and the Monger might get more and more jazzed up and viscous. Because underneath the Monger's viciousness is a huge pile of fear and pain. The Monger is afraid of failure, success, ridicule, embarrassment, getting too big, never getting big, and the list can go on and on.

Eventually, the Monger will reply:

"I am afraid you will fail, you might look like an idiot, and this new task might just be too much for you."

And then you can say:

"Yep, I am afraid of that too, and I got this. I have been working for this for a long time, and even though I am scared too, I know we will be alright—even if I do fail—but if I don't try, I won't ever succeed".

When we hate on our Monger, tell her to go away and/or punish her, we are just making her more scared. When we can invite her and relax her, she dissipates much quicker.

The reason the last statement is so powerful is that it:

• Loving acknowledges the Monger.

• Doesn't get into a debate with her on why she is wrong.

• Tells her that you are moving forward, fear and all, and you will be ok (even if you fail)

Eventually, after having had this dialogue a few times, you will get to the point where it is unnecessary. You get the Monger themes and what she is afraid of. So when you hear your Monger talking incessantly, you can simply say:

"I know you are scared of _____, but I got this. Thanks for coming to tell me now step aside so I can do my work."

When we get stuck in fear mode or when we get stuck in the debate mode, we get stuck. The key is to move on despite the Monger and remind yourself you are ok.

Dealing with Negative Self-Talk Part 1: Building Awareness

 We all have it, that voice in the back of your head that says, "you are a terrible mom," "you can't do that," "who do you think you are?" and on and on and on. It chimes at us throughout the day, creating doubt, anxiety, depression, insecurity, and overall stuckness.

Experts disagree on where this voice comes from. Theories range from your ego, your lizard brain, limiting beliefs, and even your parents limiting beliefs. You can call it your evil twin, gremlins, vampire, demons, or, as I like to say, your monger. Regardless of what you call it, it is chatty, and she is causing damage.

A monger, according to Merriam-Webster, is: "something which attempts to stir up or spread something that is usually petty or discreditable."

And pretty much that is what our monger does, trying to get us to believe something that isn't 100% true. She isn't EVIL. She isn't out to get us. She is just trying to make us believe something that isn't 100% true. We can give 1,000 reasons as to why she is doing this: to keep us safe, to protect us from danger because she internalized messages from our parents, teachers, relatives, or friends. The WHY she talks doesn't matter. The problem is what she is saying and how she says it.  

Most of us aren't even aware of how much the monger is talking to us, to be honest. She can chat all day, every day, and many people are just unaware. They know they feel more anxious or stressed, but they are unaware that it is coming from an internal voice belittling, name-calling, and being plain nasty.

People aren't immune to the monger; they are just unaware.

Here are some scenarios in which the monger tends to get chatty:

Scenario 1: You are taking a risk trying a new task. It is stressful and challenging, and before you know it, you have quit mid-stream to grab a drink, take a nap, or eat a bag of cookies. 
What really happened: The whole time you were working on the task, your monger was talking to you, telling you how much you sucked and how you will fail. You didn't necessarily hear the monger, but you got so discouraged, exhausted, and scared that you gave up and went to soothe yourself. 

Scenario 2: On your drive home, listening to music, you are feeling pretty good. But by the time you turn the walk in your front door, you are pissed off and angry. You snap at your kids and pick on your partner the rest of the night. 
What really happened:  The monger was talking to you the whole time you were driving, telling you how worthless you are and what a failure your day was. Again, you didn't consciously hear the monger, but she created anxiety and insecurity, which you then went home and took out on your kids.

As a rule, your monger tends to get chatty when you are alone and not distracted and when you are trying something new. But it can chat all day, every day if it wants to.

The key is for you to pay attention to:

• What does your monger's voice sound like? Mean, scared, evil, belittling, passive-aggressive

• When does your monger get chatty?

• What is your reaction when your monger is chatty? Eating, drinking, shopping, watching TV, taking a nap, or working even harder--to name a few

Next, we will talk about the steps after you have built more awareness of your monger, Curiosity.

Remember, your monger is not to be feared or hated. It is a part of you, AND she doesn't have to run the show. 

Trusting Yourself

Last week my nearest and dearest and I decided to participate in Dr. Oz's three-day cleanse. Admittedly over the holidays, we had indulged more than our fair share in the spoils of food and wine. So after much research, we decided the Dr. Oz cleanse would be our best bet. "It will be easy"; "We can TOTALLY do this"; "We will feel SO much better by doing this," we said.

On day one, I felt great. I made and drank all my smoothies and felt more energized than before. I thought to myself, this is great! Upon arriving home, I realized my nearest and dearest wasn't feeling as amazing. In fact, he was debating quitting! Given that he lives with epilepsy, we knew going in we would be extra careful with his health. So we agreed he would continue to drink the smoothies AND eat real food.

Day 2 I woke up feeling awful, no energy, achy all over, and exhausted. After a 3 hour nap in the morning and barely moving off the couch, I realized I needed to eat before I was going to be able to see clients. So Wednesday afternoon, I gave in and made myself some peanut butter toast, and within a few hours, I was feeling better.

I learned SO much by being on this cleanse--even more so by not finishing it. I confess I am pretty competitive, so as I lay on the couch feeling completely miserable, I kept saying to myself, you can't give up you HAVE to keep going. And then there was the small voice that I like to call my biggest fan saying, "Really, you can't quit...says who? Why not? What are you trying to prove?"

In the past, I would have beaten myself up for not completing the cleanse; I would have told myself I was weak and unhealthy. I wouldn't have trusted myself. It was refreshing to hear my inner dialogue. As soon as those old voices came up, they silenced by my biggest fan saying, "Wisdom is admitting when to stop. You learned what you wanted to learn now implement that and move on". And I did learn A LOT. I made some commitments to myself on the areas of my diet I wanted to change, less sugar and caffeine, more fruits and vegetables.

Our culture is obsessed with winning, completion, and getting it done, that sometimes the lesson is knowing when to stop. For me, this cleanse was a reminder that I can say "No, that's not for me," even if everyone else is saying, "Yes, you will LOVE it."

Where have you said no when everyone else is saying yes? When have you not completed a plan because you knew it was the right thing for you? How does your biggest fan talk to you?

I SHOULD be Happy

I should be happy is one of the statements I hear most often in my work:

"I should be happy.

I have a good-paying job.”

I have decent benefits."

I just had a baby."

I have a great partner."

I live in my dream home."

When we say the phrase, "I SHOULD be happy," it usually means 1 of 2 things.

First Option: 

You are convincing yourself that you SHOULD be happy based on someone else's definition of happiness. The fact that someone else told you this is the perfect job or benefits are key to all of life or what a dream home is supposed to look like. So you, to live up to someone else's standard of what happiness is, are convincing yourself that you are happy with that aspect of your life. In this option, when we say, "I should be happy," we are attempting to convince ourselves of something that isn't true for us. So it is important to do a sincere gut check when we hear that phrase and ask ourselves:

• According to what standards should I be happy?

• Am I living life by my standards and values or someone else's?

• Are there changes I need to make to live more in line with what I intend for my life?

Second Option:

You are living in the messy; you are holding two very different truths, and it is uncomfortable.

• You have a good-paying job, AND it isn't really what you want to do.

• You have decent benefits, AND you are starting to wonder if it is worth the sacrifice for good benefits.

• You just had a baby that you love and adore, AND it is hard being a new parent.

• Your partner is fantastic, AND sometimes it is hard to live with another person.

• You have your dream house, AND it has a lot of work to do.

One of the many mysteries of life that I am most struck by is the eternal blend of positive and negative. The idea that life will forever be messy, no matter how much we strive to have it tied up in a neat little bow, there will always be tragedy and joy intermixed together. Getting comfortable with these two ends of the continuum and bringing them closer together is a lifelong process.

When we say, "I should be happy," to convince ourselves to suck it up, forget the challenges and just look at the positive, we can run ourselves ragged. It is important to embrace the mess. Giving ourselves a break and perpetually balancing between giving thanks and recognizing that sometimes even if we WANT something with all our hearts, it is still challenging.

We can love and appreciate something or someone AND be challenged by them too. When we start 'shoulding' on ourselves to forgo the negative feelings, we will miss the negative feelings and the positive ones too. It may sound counterintuitive, but we get to the joy much faster by relaxing into the mess. Relax into the mess:

• Do a full-body movement.

• Talk to a friend.

• Admit you are struggling.

• Participate in activities you love.

By being honest with what is going on, you will be better able to fully engage your life and embrace the mess of it all.

So the next time you start saying "I should be happy," stop and ask yourself--what is going on here? Am I living by someone else's standards, and/or am I avoiding the messiness of life?

An Addiction to Busyness

I confess I am a busyness addict. When I get stressed, overwhelmed, or tired, I know that I move quickly into run, run, run mode. Many of us with high functioning anxiety suffer from busyness addictions, and it can be one of the biggest symptoms of HFA.

Run, Run Run mode means you don’t have to think, feel, engage or be, you just run. Run to the next item on your to-do list, run to the next event, run to the next ‘thing’ doesn’t matter what you are running towards as long as you are running.

I would also confess I am a busyness addict in recovery, meaning I am aware that I have this problem, and I TRY to put rituals into place to catch myself. But occasionally, the pull of busyness is just too great, and I have fallen off the recovery wagon into the temptation of busyness. 

Signs of Busyness Addiction

People with high functioning anxiety tend to struggle with the busyness and hustle addiction. People who struggle with HFA constantly keep themselves busy, so they don’t feel anxious, overwhelmed, or like an underachiever when they’re not completing a to-do list.

Here are some signs you might be a busyness addict:

• Your emotional reaction to life is not congruent with the events of your life. For example, you are going through something painful, sad, or even joyous and happy, yet your affect is pretty much flat-lined. You aren’t “feeling” anything.

• You become obsessed with checking things off the to-do list, often telling yourself, ‘once I get everything done, THEN I can relax.’ Here’s a shocking fact–you won’t ever get everything off the to-do list!! (This one has become my number one sign!)

• You are ALWAYS multitasking; if you are watching TV, you are on the computer; if you are talking on the phone, you are making dinner. You can’t stand to do one thing and just engage in that activity.

• You are obsessed with checking your phone, email, social media, whatever you constantly have to be checking in with the outside world.

The number one thing all of these traits have in common: They pull us away from ourselves. They pull us into busyness. And when we are in busy mode, we don’t have to FEEL anything–which sadly is the goal. 

The price that we pay for not feeling is that we can’t engage with our life. We can’t show up, be present, be grateful and be intentional about life. Addiction to busyness is a coping mechanism for dealing with HFA that actually can make it worse.

What Does Busyness Look Like?

The idea of “hustle culture” that we live in doesn’t help our busyness addiction either. Because for those of us with HFA, not only do we feel like we’re always busy, but we can’t seem to say no out of fear of letting people down. 

Maybe your busyness looks like this: 

• You get a phone call saying the latest report didn’t run correctly, so you stay late to fix it.

• Your son hints that he wants cupcakes to take to school for his birthday–you stay up past 3 am to make sure they are perfectly prepared.

• Your husband asks you to pick up his favorite suit on your way home. You drive 15 minutes out of your way (OK, really 45 with traffic) to get it.

• Your co-worker asks you to help out (AGAIN) with this month’s birthday luncheon. Even though it is her responsibility, you say yes.

• Your mother-in-law asks you to stop in for lunch on Saturday. Between soccer and errands, you make a hurried stop at her house.

• On Friday morning, your sister asks you to babysit on Saturday–her babysitter canceled at the last minute. You shift your movie night with your husband to accommodate.

Do you know what all of these scenarios have in common? The theme is “I CAN’T LET THEM DOWN.” This is when we’re in hustle mode. And we can’t seem to overcome being busy because now we’re faced with the fear of letting people down. 

How High Functioning Anxiety Connects to Busyness

The coping strategies of people with high functioning anxiety and busyness addicts, they’re very similar. The driving force behind each of these actions that create the busyness addiction is the terror that you might:

• not be perceived as “all that” to someone.

• disappoint someone

• be seen as a slacker

• make someone sad

• put someone out

• not live up to expectations

These terrors are why we take on the Can’t Let Them Down Hustle. We put ourselves last, go out of our way, and drive ourselves to the point of exhaustion to make sure others perceive us as kind, giving, and wonderful.

If you’ve ever felt completely worn out because you were constantly taking on more, you may have high functioning anxiety.

These patterns have become ingrained in us–from a young age. And unless we actively engage these patterns, they will continue to become ingrained.

The number one reason people start working with me and cry out “I am exhausted” is because they are engaging in the Can’t Let Them Down Hustle. They are spending too much of their time operating on automatic pilot and hustling for others.

Yes, we all have obligations. We all have things we need to get done, AND we need to be clear on our motives. Is it because we need to get something done, or is it because we are unnecessarily hustling.

After many years of being in hustle and busyness recovery, I still (more frequently than I care to admit) catch myself Hustling and have to pause and ask myself:

• “Is this hustle necessary?”

• “Why are you hustling for?”

• “Is it worth it?”

• “What’s the worst that can happen if I don’t hustle?”

These questions help stop the cycle of hustle and high functioning anxiety. Because if we can’t stop the vicious cycle of hustle and busyness, then we can’t Live Happier. We will always be chasing the proverbial carrot and never succeeding. 

How to Reduce Busyness In Your Life

So what can you do to reduce busyness in your life and set healthy boundaries?

1. Recognize your ‘busyness’ signs

2. Eliminate activities that leave you overwhelmed

3. Include natural check-in points throughout the day

4. Ask friends and family to help you stay accountable.

5. Remember, this is a process.

As an anxiety coach and someone who is in recovery, I KNOW that life is so much better when I am not in my addiction; I am happier, more engaged, more peaceful, and more present. Life is technical, color, and bright.

What about you? Can you relate to the busyness addiction? What are your signs of HFA? What have you found that helps? I would LOVE to hear from you. If you struggle with high anxiety and the addiction of busyness, I would love to help.

Changing the Rules

Recently a friend and I talked about a struggle she was having with the siblings in her family. For years she was the dependable, organized, 'you can always count on me' sibling. For years she had gotten taken advantage of in doing that. Over the years, she had been doing her own work around this issue. She had started drawing firmer boundaries when it came to her family members. She felt good about her changes and personal growth and was celebrating the freedom she was experiencing.

When it came time for a family gathering, she held her boundaries and didn't pick up the slack as usual. Suddenly her siblings had all kinds of hostile reactions. They were writing angry emails and sending hostile voicemails. Her siblings weren't able to articulate what they were upset about, so they put up all kids of smokescreens getting angry about everything, bringing up past hurts, naming old grievances, and just being generally mean. My friend was hurt and confused. She knew they would be upset, but not like this.

In essence, she changed the rules. She changed the family dynamics. Similarly to dominoes, when one domino changes its position, it affects the rest of the dominos. Her family didn't know what exactly was happening. They just recognized the rule change, and they didn't like it, so they reacted negatively. They blamed her, tried to make her feel guilty, and generally beat up on her. My friend was confused. She had worked so hard to make positive changes only to be greeted with hostility.

As individuals, we work so hard to make changes in ourselves. We don't realize how those changes (either small or large) affect those around us.

When we set new boundaries, have different reactions, or change a pattern, we are changing the rules of the system. This rule changing requires adjustments for those around us. They have to learn how to move around the new boundary, pick up the slack, or change their reaction as well.

Sometimes those adjustments can be made quickly without much effort, and sometimes those adjustments are met with great hostility and anger. We as human beings don't like change, especially when we aren't controlling the change. So when you change the system, an unwelcome (and rarely thought of) side effect is that people might be upset. And THAT IS OK. Just because they are upset doesn't mean you are doing it wrong. It just means the system needs time to shift. So be patient with those around you and hold your new ground.

Allow them time to vent, get angry, adjust and catch up. It is a spiritual law that I have found to be true--as you change, people will either rise to meet your new path or fall off your path. That choice will occur naturally. Your job is to be patient and stay steady on your new path. My friend's family did come around. It just took them a while.

What Judging Others REALLY Means...

 Judgment. It is something we all struggle with within our lives. It is a part of being human. It keeps us safe, it keeps us protected, and it keeps us small. The judgment allows us not to take risks, not stretch our boundaries, and not build connections. When we are in the mode of judging, we are tight, small, constrained. Think of yourself when you are in a conversation that involves judging--maybe it is how someone parents, how they have gained weight, or are wearing miss matching shoes. In that conversation, we are whispering, tense, and closed in. When we have a loving conversation about someone’s personality, natural gifts, or amazing talents, we are open, energized, and boisterous.

When we judge other people, it eventually comes back to bite us. Think about the last time you were on a plane. How many judgments did you have?

• The guy next to you who took up too much of the seat,

• The dad behind you who’s child screamed for half the flight,

• The couple who were running late and dashed in at the last second,

• The woman who overpacked and tried to stuff her luggage into the overhead bin (holding up the line of people boarding the plane).

You sitting there felt pretty smug and triumphant. With each judgment made, you got a little notch in your belt. You were on time, childless, under-packed, and super thin, at least that day.

The truth is, whatever we are most judgmental about in other people is what we are most judgmental about in ourselves. So the next time you are on the plane:

• You might be running late (because your connection was late)

• You overpacked because you bought one too many souvenirs and didn’t have time to check your bag

• You have a child who is just not willing to take a nap.

• You gained a few pounds, and you creep over on the seat next to yours.

Most likely, if any of these things happen to you, you will be judging yourself. You will be SUPER hard on yourself not just because you did something you aren’t proud of---but because you were judgmental of people in the past for doing the same thing, and therefore you ASSUME they are all judging you in the same way.

When we judge other people, we should immediately be thinking, “whoa, what is that saying about me?”. We tend to be the most judgmental of other people about things we are judgmental about ourselves. We tend to be judgmental about people running late--when WE have a problem running late. We tend to be judgmental about other people’s relationships when OUR relationship is suffering.

When we look at someone and say ‘they can’t do that, ‘they can’t go back to school, find a better job, be happy in their relationship, use that parenting technique.’ What we are really saying is, “I can’t do that.”

When we say. “that dress looks stupid,” what we are really saying is. “I wish I had the guts to wear a dress I wanted to.” We don’t go out of our comfort zone because we are afraid we will be judged, not by other people (although we may tell ourselves that) but by ourselves.

We are our own worst critics. For many of us, that judgment gets turned externally on to others.

As you move through your day, start paying attention to what you are most judgmental about or critical about in others and ask yourself, “What is that saying about me?” Have some curiosity about what is behind your judgments. 

Checking into Your Life

 Numbing. The number one thing we as Americans do to ease the anxiety, perfectionism, fear, and frustration of life. We numb through alcohol, food, TV, video games, reading mindless fiction, gossip, and exercise. Is all numbing bad? No, I enjoy a nice glass of wine. I had a fabulous cupcake for dessert today, and my nearest and dearest and I love zoning out in front of the TV on occasion. BUT when numbing becomes a way of life, then we have a problem. I am not talking about indulging in mindless behavior from time to time. I am talking about: CHECKING OUT OF YOUR LIFE, going through the motions, and not engaging.

• When my nearest and dearest and I spend three nights in a row watching bad TV and playing Words with Friends (with each other on our iPads), we have a problem!!

• When you can't remember the last time you had a conversation with your kids that didn't involve a phone or a computer, then we have a problem.

• When 1 cupcake becomes 5 regularly, then we have a problem.

• When you can't remember the last time you engaged in an activity that made you joyous, then we have a problem.

• When every day looks like the last, then we have a problem.

Numbing has become a way of life. Checking out is easier than having the tough conversations, facing the "OMG, how did I get here?!?!" moment, or realizing the job/relationship/house that was supposed to be temporary has been around for over 5 years. Bottom line if checking out is easier---why would I want to check in???

Because once you get over the initial hump of re-engaging, checking in means, you live your life. You are doing work YOU enjoy, in a loving and supportive relationship, and living a life YOU want to be living. Checking in means you have a life you designed, and you can tweak and change it as you grow and change. Checking in means technicolor, connections, engagement, passion, and love. Ready to re-engage?

• FIRST, you have to build awareness of when you check out and why. So start noticing your favorite mode of checking out--is it watching TV, overeating, over-exercising, or drinking too much?

• Start noticing when you are engaging in your checking out behaviors--what happened right before or throughout the day to trigger the need to check out? Be gentle here and give yourself A LOT of room. Sometimes, something that appears small may have caused us to check out, but it is just the tip of the iceberg in reality.

• Ask yourself, what am I FEELING? What am I AVOIDING? What am I AFRAID of? And most importantly, where do I need some COMPASSION? Then take action, take a baby step. Express the feeling, reach out to someone, start journaling, cry, scream, be sad. Just DO something where you are engaging in your life.

• Start having regular conversations with yourself and other people about what matters to you. What do you want out of your life? What small steps can you take to implement these passions' interests? What big steps do you need to take to implement these passions? How can you break down the big steps?

Checking in to life and stopping the constant numbing is the first step to Living Happier. I guarantee taking back control of your life is amazing!!

The Opposite of Love is Fear

We have all heard the quote, "The opposite of love is fear." Meaning that when we approach life, we can approach it one of 2 ways from a place of fear or a place of love. As someone who deals with 'fear facing' a lot in my work, I have recently been thinking about this quote. It is a wonderfully simple quote and a hugely complex concept. If you think of your life, every act you engage in, every decision you make comes from love or fear.

You decide to empty the dishwasher AGAIN.

Acting out of Love: Your attitude is peaceful and calm. You love giving back to your family, and even if they might not appreciate it all the time, this is a way you show them how much they mean to you. However, you decide that maybe it is time for your kids to step up and start doing more to learn responsibility and care for themselves. You make a mental note to talk to them about it. 

Acting out of Fear: You do it, but you are bitter and angry the whole time. Your motivation comes more from 'getting one up' or 'feeling like a martyr' than love. The act LOOKS loving but buried way down (or maybe not even way down) is fear. You are acting out your fear of not being good enough, 'they won't love me unless I DO something for them' or 'I have to prove my worthiness by doing.'

You stay late at work to respond to your bosses' last minute request (which, of course, needed to be done yesterday)

Acting out of Love: You recognize your boss is behind the gun too from his boss, and although he might not have the best leadership skills, he is doing the best he can with what he has. You offer a silent blessing for him and finish up our work as quickly as possible. You realize that, for the most part, you like your job, and these last-minute things are easy to overlook in the grand scheme of things. OR you realize it is time to start looking for another job because even though you can understand why everything is last minute, you just don't work well in this environment. 

Acting out of Fear: You angrily start working on the job. You finish the task and leave the office still steaming. The minute you get home, you pick a fight with your partner (honestly, you want to tear your boss's head off, but your partner is more forgiving). Your fear is 'what if I am not good enough to find another job' or 'what if this is the best I can do.'

Your mom calls you and starts telling you the same story for the millionth time. 

Acting out of Love: You recognize she loves telling stories, and she loves sharing her stories with you. You realize that even though you are busy and tired, you are lucky to have a mom who wants to share so much of her life with you. You take a deep breath and try to listen as if it were the first time you heard it. You approach the story with a new curiosity and enjoy it. If you don't have time to talk, you ask if you can call her back, and then you do!! 

Acting out of Fear: You half-listen to the story rolling your eyes and mimicking her. You cut her off as soon as possible with a quick "yes, mom. I have heard this story before." You know you hurt her feelings, but you are just too busy to deal with this. You fear "maybe someday I will drive my kids crazy with my stories too" or "I am scared that I am going to lose mom before I am ready."

When we act out of love, we are coming from a place of openness and peace. We are more grounded and honest. It doesn't mean we are victims or take rude behavior; it means that we take the time to understand the 'other person's perspective. Rather than immediately going in to blame or resentment, we pull back a bit to get a bigger picture.

When we act out of fear, we are closed and shallow. We are in a self-protect mode and therefore tend to lash out at others and ourselves.

Fear is a tricky beast. Frequently our egos don't want us to acknowledge the fear. So our ego throws up the smokescreen of blame and resentment to prevent us from going deeper. Rather than looking at what we might be afraid of at that moment, we immediately blame the 'other' for all our problems.

Bottom line--fears are scary. We don't want to acknowledge them, and it is against our nature to do so. AND as we get in the habit of being honest with ourselves and living from a place of love and not fear, life becomes much easier and happier. Carrying around all that bitterness and resentment is wearing and exhausting!!

So for today, as you approach the decisions of your life, ask yourself am I acting from a place of fear or love? If the answer is fear, dig a little deeper and ask yourself, what am I really afraid of here? And then give yourself some loving support around that fear. Fears are normal. Unacknowledged fear is toxic

Tending to your Life Garden

How do you spend your energy or, to be more precise, how do you spend your time? Do you spend time with people you love? Are you engaging in activities that fill you up? Do you recognize your signs of being low on energy (both physical and emotional)?

Think of your life as a garden. You need to water your garden, care for it and make sure no pesky weeds or rodents are eating your tomatoes and such. You get energy from the beautiful plants and flowers that grow in your garden. You lose energy when your garden fills up with weeds or rodents and when it starts to lack water. The flowers are the things in our life that give us energy; supportive friends and family, or fun and fulfilling activities. The weeds and rodents are the things in our life that drain our energy: drama-filled friends and family or activities that we dread and don't like.

Too many of my clients move through their day, completely unaware of their garden. They are unaware of

1. How they are feeling energy-wise

2. Actively engaging in garden management (working on adding more flowers and decreasing the weeds)

How do you feel when you are low on energy/when your garden is wilting and brown? Sluggish? Irritable? Do you get headaches or stomachaches? Do you amp up to make up the difference in energy? Do you drink too much coffee followed by too much wine?

Pay attention to how you feel to help guide you as to what your garden needs.

Give yourself permission to engage in activities that give you energy and drop the activities that don't. Now, I know we ALL have activities that we don't want to engage in, but we have to because that is life. But get very clear on what these have to activities are. Many activities that we have in the "have to" column are not "have to's" at all but rather "I don't want them to be mad at me," or "I don't want them to think badly of me" activities. We can't do it all AND have a garden that is lush and happy.

You can say NO to:

• the bake sale,

• lunch with a friend who is so packed full of drama you leave her feeling more drained.

• dog sitting your brother's annoying dog.

• the baby shower that falls on your only day off in 2 weeks.

You can say YES to:

• taking a walk with a friend you haven't seen in forever who always makes you smile.

• turning off the TV and chatting with your spouse.

• reading a good book.

• getting a massage or taking a long nap.

But for those activities that you have to engage in that drain you, make sure you have a counter activity planned. In my life, I do a lot of caretaking. When I feel drained from caretaking, I make sure to plan something fun and re-energizing. I frequently check in on my garden and see if there are any miscellaneous weeds that I can pluck out or if I need to gather up some flowers to make myself feel better.

What about your garden? Where does it need some tending? What weeds can you pull?

Detoxing from the Habit of Worry

The number one complaint of people in my life, friends, acquaintances, and clients, is anxiety. Anxiety has become the new catch-phrase for feelings of fear, insecurity, worry, and pain. The root of this anxiety stems from feeling unworthy, insignificant, or unlovable, and from that internal pain comes anxiety. Worrying about what to wear, what we will look like giving the presentation, how our kids are doing, how we will get everything done.

Worry, Worry, Worry. That is the theme of life these days. We regularly engage in the process of hammering ourselves into submission. We are never quite productive enough, quite successful enough, quite healthy enough, or just quite enough, period. We are constantly striving to be better--for what?!?!

I say 'we' in these descriptions because this 'worry' this low-level anxiety is something I struggled with for years. It was not debilitating or not panic attack-inducing (I have had a few panic attacks in my life, though), but it was limiting, painful, and low-level suffering. For YEARS, I always heard people with anxiety should meditate more or have a yoga practice. And for YEARS, I have tried to meditate more and have a regular yoga practice, and it has been spotty at best. For someone who is feeling anxiety levels, sitting on my couch even for 5-10 minutes is painful!! I haven't given up; I still try, but, for now, that is not a regular practice in my life. So what has worked? 

Radical Awareness. Radical awareness around my thoughts, my feelings, and my needs.

Paying attention to my anxiety responses: eating when I am not hungry, watching mindless TV, surfing the internet. And noticing when I start engaging in those behaviors. I could be mid-work in the past, and I have mindlessly wandered to the kitchen, grabbed a bag of chocolate, and headed to the couch to watch some "Real Housewives." The whole time, convincing myself I deserved a break, I needed the timeout. Yep, sometimes I do need a time out. But MOST of the time, I needed to be paying attention to what triggered me to step away from the computer and step into numbing out. It was the fact that the act was so unintentional. The unawareness made me realize it was anxiety moving me, not my need for a break.

Taking mini-breaks to BREATHE. I can't meditate. But something that works for me is putting in place times when I 'check-in.' Three deep breaths have become my mantra. Three deep breaths when I sit down at my desk, three deep breaths before and after I meet with a client, three deep breaths when I hit a stoplight in the car. I take three deep belly breaths, and then I check in--how am I feeling, what is going on. Sometimes I am surprised by what comes up. Sometimes nothing comes up. No matter what comes up, I embrace it with radical love and kindness.

Paying attention to what I talk about.  One of my favorite things is sharing my day with my husband. I found that frequently rather than 'sharing my day,' I would litany off all the things I was anxious about. I would list all the things I didn't get done; I did wrong, or what I needed to do next. And you know what that did? It made me MORE anxious.

And you know what else I realized that somewhere deep down, I enjoyed that feeling of anxiety--it was a buzz that would keep me protected from my feelings. I had convinced myself that feeling anxious, worrying about the to-do list, or being a better person was WAY better than dealing with the actual pain I was feeling—anxiety masks what is going on. Anxiety allows us to 'get high' on safe, numb aspects of our life and keeps us blissfully unaware of the real pain that is there. Gradually, I started sharing THAT; I started getting real and talking about real things, not just the to-do list but "the what" that was underneath. I caught myself mid-litany and ask 'is this helping, or am I just taking a hit? And I would immediately know the answer.

For many of us, worry becomes like a drug that keeps us from engaging with ourselves and, therefore, with the world. When I notice myself engaging in anxiety behaviors (amping myself up, numbing out, or hammering myself), I now get curious about what is going on. I breathe, and I pay attention. It works! I swear! Am I fully recovered? Ah no. Do I feel better? Hell yes! Detoxifying from worry is a slow process. The unraveling of a habit you have had for decades takes time.  

Don’t Ignore your Past: Heal it

There is a dangerous trend I have noticed in the self-help/coaching/counseling industry. Somewhere along the way, we got the message that our past is a bad thing. The industry trend tells people that real change and movement come from looking forward, setting goals, and just doing it. Yep, we need to set goals, look forward and do it, AND sometimes we need to heal our past first. As with any all-or-nothing thinking, we have lost some key components of real and lasting change.

Your Past matters. Yep, I said it. It is ok to have a past, it is ok to share stories from your past, it is ok to have trauma and pain in your past, and it is ok to have a joyful past. You can't ignore your past. It creeps upon us in how we personify our Monger as our parents. In the way, we talk to our kids or in how we interact with our spouse. Our past plays a role in our current lives. Period.

The glitch is when we get stuck in the past when the story of our traumatic childhood holds us back from making real changes in our current lives. When we are living and re-living the past over and over in our day-to-day lives. We become victims, martyrs, and just plain unhappy people. I assume this is the getting stuck in the past that all the "only look to forward" people are talking about. But I believe the message gets skewed and turns into an absolute!! Rather than the message being, heal your past, so you don't get stuck there, the message becomes to ignore your past.

Here are some ways you can start moving through the stories from your past that are holding you back:

Share your story: That's right. Share it. Bring it out of the closet, dust it off and share your pain, your struggles, the irrational beliefs that have become rational that you got when you were 8. Share those stories. Find someone who loves you who can just listen; no judgment, no advice, just someone who gets it. In this day and age, we don't seem to have the patience for each other's stories. We get impatient, give too much advice, or want to share our story too quickly. So choose wisely. 

The more you share your story, the more your perspective changes. You may be able to see the other's person's side; you may be able to let go of some of the old resentment, or it may just feel good to say out loud what has been playing unconsciously all these years.

Acknowledge the pain: Acknowledge the fear, sadness, anger you feel about the past. Label those emotions. We tend to justify or explain away the pain, but that isn't necessary or helpful. Acknowledge the anger you feel for not getting that promotion you deserved. Grieve for your mother, who you lost at age 18. Allow the resentment, the bitterness, and the anger.

Let it go: Our past is our past. You can't change it. But once you have expressed your feelings about your story, it loses some power. That story from your past no longer has complete control over you. It is no longer debilitatingly strong. Letting it go involves letting go of the power of the story and loosening the reins of the resentment and bitterness. Letting go means that the story is just that a story, a painful, potentially traumatic story. After sharing your story and acknowledging the feelings associated with your story letting go becomes easier.

Rituals can be amazingly helpful in letting things go. One in particular I love is to write down your story. Describe it in vivid detail! Share all the emotions attached to it the grief, sadness, or anger. And then, when you finish, read it one more time and do a check-in that you are ready to let it go. If you have grieved enough and are ready to move forward, destroy it. Rip it up, burn it, drive over the tape, whatever it takes to physically destroy that old story. Then, as you move through life and hear that old story come up, acknowledge it and remind yourself you have let it go.

These steps are in no way a quick fix. Each of these steps can take days, weeks, months, or years, depending on the power of the story and how far we have buried the story in our psyche. It is immensely powerful to face our stories, look at them dead in the face and slowly release their power. 

What stories are holding you back? What from your past is keeping you stuck? What rituals have you implemented to let them go?

Before Speaking Your Needs You Need to Notice Them

"Speak your Needs" if you work with me or interact with me, you will hear those words come out of my mouth now and then. I believe that we all (especially women) need to get better about speaking our needs. In reality, we need to get better about knowing our needs or even being aware that we have needs.

The scenario is a simple one; you come home from work, and you want to go out to dinner. You are tired, and the idea of coming up with what to cook again is just too daunting. As you walk in the door, you notice your partner already wearing his comfy clothes lounging on the couch, and you assume that you are 'in for the night.' You go through 'the what to make for dinner' debate, and you both prepare a nice meal. You still had visions of going out to dinner. But the problem is you never shared that scenario with your partner. You swallow the need that you want to eat out and 'make do' with eating in. You didn't even give your partner the chance to go out--you just ASSUMED they wouldn't want to eat out in this scenario.

I agree that the example is silly and benign.

But it is the beginning of the belief system that: 'my needs don't matter,' there is no point in speaking up,' and 'I won't get heard anyway.'

How often do the words "It doesn't matter," "I don't care," "whatever you want" come out of your mouth?

The thing about needs is when we ignore them for long enough, they get more and quieter and harder and harder to hear. They don't become any less important; they just become harder to pay attention to. Too often, for the sake of safety, for peace, we ignore our needs. And then, on a larger scale, it becomes harder and harder to say what we need or want out of our lives.

The other tricky thing about needs is just because we speak a need doesn't mean it has to get met. So had you come home and said to your partner, "I want to go out to dinner tonight," your partner had the right to say, "Aw, I just put on my comfy pants and was planning on hanging out at home."

THEN...you can dig a little deeper and figure out why you want to go out to dinner.

Is it too?

• Connect with your partner in a different way than eating in front of the TV

• Sit outside and enjoy the evening air

• Too tired to come up with dinner and just don't want to cook.

Depending on what it is you NEED from going out to dinner, you can then negotiate with your partner and say:

• "let's eat at the dinner table tonight,"

• "let's eat outside"

• "let's order in"

• "can you make dinner tonight? I am too tired."

So it can then be a win-win. You can get your need met, and so can your partner!

Start paying attention to your needs. Even if you don't express them all the time, just start building awareness that you do have needs. Get in the habit of exploring what it is you need in any given situation.

Our needs give us insight into our dreams, our passions, and what we value. As we start noticing and sharing our needs, we will naturally live happier because we will be more authentically engaging with the world.

Self Help Run Amuck

Self Help is an amazingly wonderful industry. The idea that we can learn, grow and feel better about our lives and become happier through reading a book or listening to a lecture is empowering. However, I know for myself and people who enjoy exploring the Self Help world, we can get stuck in unhealthy patterns and beliefs for the sake of being a better human being.

 Now and then, I will run into a person, an acquaintance, a client, even myself from time to time, and think, 'yep, that is a case of self-help run amuck.'

 For me, the phrase "Self-help run amuck" is defined as someone who means well, has good intentions but has grabbed on to one or self-help concepts and twisted them to mean they aren't enough. Here are some examples.

 There is a right way. I just need to figure it out. There is no right way. There are countless ways to do it. What may be the right way for you isn't the right way for someone else. Frequently when we are looking for the RIGHT way, it is a sign of fear paralysis. We don't want to move until we know the right move, which usually leaves us stuck.

 If I think happy, I will be happy.  Fill in the blank here. This concept is specifically The Secret, gone amuck. We have been told we need to pay attention to our thoughts. If we intend it, then it will come. So think positively, and you will feel better. Now, I agree, there are times we let ourselves get stuck in negative thoughts, negative patterns, and we need to change those thoughts into more positive thinking. AND there are times that we have real pain that we need to deal with. Yes, while I definitely believe when we think happier, we are happier, I also believe we have to put a little work into being happy. The idea that if I think about $100, it will suddenly appear in my mailbox is HIGHLY unlikely.

 I need to accept people where they are. Frequently this one is where I think people go amuck. I fully believe that we need to accept people where they are. One of my life mottos is 'they are doing the best they can with what they have,' AND that doesn't mean I need to put up with abusive, hostile, or hurtful behavior. Accepting someone for who they are and what they are coping with, and the pain they are in doesn't mean I have to take that pain on and be hurt by their pain. Accepting someone for where they also include knowing your boundaries.

 I need to be genuine and honest with everyone. I want to add the words "with wisdom" to this sentence. So it would read, I need to be genuine and honest with everyone, using wisdom. Yes, I believe we need to be grounded and authentic in our lives, but not everyone in this world is safe. So we need to have a little wisdom around with which we share our authentic selves. We can still be genuine and authentic without bearing our souls. We can still own our space, be aware of our insecurity and take care of ourselves without opening ourselves to people who don't get it and won't understand. Wisdom: to create appropriate boundaries is critical.

 Bottom line, the goal of self-help is to feel less angst, be in pain less frequently and learn how to interact in the world from a place of grounded authenticity. The goal is not to beat ourselves up, open ourselves up to unnecessary pain and feel like we are doing it wrong. Wake up each morning, be the best you possible, bring awareness to your pain, notice your mistakes, and move forward, making amends as necessary. Self-help is a great space to start learning about ourselves.

 Real growth begins when we can enter the world and interact with loving-kindness with ourselves and those around us. And when we struggle with that task, having curiosity around why and attempting to learn better for the future. So give yourself a break. You ARE doing the best you can with what you have, and that's a beautiful thing.

Self Care Starts with Self Awareness

Last week I did a presentation on self-care. Self-care is one of my favorite and more popular topics, and I have presented on this topic numerous times. Self-care is at the crux of all we do. If we aren't caring for ourselves, nurturing ourselves, we aren't as happy, productive, and engaged. Self-care is also such a 'buzzword' these days. We all know HOW to care for ourselves.

As I was preparing for the presentation, I pulled out my usual information about taking care of the self-body, mind, and spirit. I looked at my information on taking three deep breaths, getting enough sleep, exercising, eating right, and drinking enough water. Then, I thought about my struggle with self-care. It isn't so much that I don't know HOW to do it or don't know what the ideal steps to self-care are. It is that I get so caught up in my to-do list, obligations (real and imagined), and the anxiety that surrounds them that I don't even notice that my neck is hurting or my breath is shallow and from my chest.

I am most successful at self-care when I am taking the time to build self-awareness; when I take the time to notice how I am feeling, to pay attention to my body and not just what comes next. I have found, self-care has to start with having the self-awareness that we need to take care of ourselves. To break the cycle of push, push, push, we need to establish the time to do that. We need to establish rituals that break us out of our familiar patterns.

Rituals such as:

• Every time you hit a stoplight, take three deep belly breaths.

• At work, every time you hang up the phone, take a drink of water.

• Every hour get up and walk around or do some stretching.

• When you are eating a meal, pay attention to what and how you are eating.

• When you are in the shower, take the time to be in the shower, not reciting your to-do list.

When we can establish these rituals we bring to break the cycle of push push push, we hop off the proverbial treadmill for a period and bring awareness to our mind, body, and spirit. From this place of awareness, we can then bring some self-care, self-acceptance, and self-love. The trick is to engage in the rituals and after each ritual or as we are doing the ritual to bring awareness to our body, mind, and spirit.

Self-awareness gives us a chance to tune into what we are feeling, what we need and how we can best care for ourselves. The bottom line without self-awareness, there can be no self-care. Without self-care, there can be no growth because we are too freaking exhausted from life's obligations to think about what we need, want, and desire.

Noticing the Monger

This weekend for a variety of reasons, my 'Monger' came out to play. Not necessarily with a message of fear, just the generally negative voice that pops up now and then and spreads messages of despair, fear, and negativity.

The concept that constantly amazes me about the Monger, whether they be fear, doubt, insecurity, or shame, is how easily they can come in and take residency. I love the term Monger because it so accurately describes these voices--someone who spreads negative propaganda to get you to go their way. In reality, that is what this voice is doing, feeding us negative propaganda to keep us safe, keep us contained and protect us from getting hurt. But in her desire to keep us so protected, she ends up hurting us---like an overprotective parent who can love too much.

The most amazing part about the Monger's voice is how comfortable she feels how easily she goes unnoticed. It wasn't until almost 24 hours into the visit that I recognized she was there. She hid in birthday celebrations and other events.

So many books are written on facing your fears and dealing with the gremlins of our lives—valuable books. But I would argue the first step is even RECOGNIZING you have a Monger or a fear that has taken up residence in your brain.

It sounds counterintuitive, but in so many ways, my Monger is safe and comfortable. Like an old sweater that feels so soft, but after you wear it, you realize it is thin and baggy and has holes in it, and it is itchy. So too are the mongers, they come in as our friends feeding us comfort and safety, but in reality, their job is to keep us stuck in our old patterns. Feeling sorry for ourselves, holding old grudges, reopening old wounds so that we can obsess about them all over again.

These tapes and voices are so familiar I hardly recognize them as a Monger until well into my "monger pattern," which for me is to disengage (e.g.watch TV, play computer games, and overeat.) My Monger disguised this laziness in the message of "it's your birthday, do whatever you want." My Monger loves to convince me just to hang, be lazy, disconnect, shut down, tune out. And then she goes to town, wooing me with her words of negativity and insecurity. Until 24 hours in, I am too sloth-like to wage any resistance.

But this weekend was different. This weekend I dealt with my Monger in a new way. Yes, it took me a while to recognize the old pattern (honestly over 24 hours), but when I did, I had a little chat with my Monger, telling her how it would be different. The changes were incremental, but they were there. I stopped obsessing over old wounds and beating myself up over situations long past. I thanked my Monger for showing up, listened briefly to her message, and then asked her to move along. I then got up off the couch and re-engaged with life.

This weekend was a wonderful reminder of how left unchecked our Monger can woo us into submission. She can keep us safe and accepting second best. Through this awareness of how often our Monger is taking up residency, actual change can come. So this week, I challenge you to stop and listen. Pay attention to how often your Monger speaks to you. What is your 'monger pattern' (activities you engage in when the Monger has won)? I am not saying LISTEN to the voices, necessarily, but merely noticing them and the patterns they cause. Knowing these signs and patterns is step one in making lasting change in decreasing the hold and power of the Monger.

The War of the Wants and the Shoulds

What if the possibilities were endless? What if you could do whatever, whenever, wherever?

This is the question I keep having with myself concerning how I want to spend my time next weekend. You see, next Saturday, I will be celebrating my 39th Birthday!! Next Thursday, my nearest and dearest leaves on a five-day boys weekend to celebrate a friend of his 30th Birthday. So I have the whole weekend to myself, and I can't for the life of me figure out what I want to do with my time. As a side note: Yes, I am sad that my nearest and dearest won't be here ON my Birthday, and quite honestly, that is how I would want to spend the day--but I am excited for him to get to hang with his friends whom he doesn't see very often and we will have many weekends in February to celebrate!

I have thought about taking a trip, hanging with friends, throwing a party, renting a party bus, staying home to chill, and going on a meditation retreat. I feel I should be social, get out of the house, I should take a trip, go someplace warm, really whoop up my 39th and kick off my last year in the 30s with a bang. Bottom line, I have choice anxiety. I am overwhelmed by too much possibility.

I think this frequently happens to us in our lives. We get overwhelmed by decisions about what to do next.

First, we think about all the options I could go back to school, I could move to Jamaica, I could stay at my current job and ask for a raise, I could move companies and do the same job, or I could do nothing. Yep, the possibilities are endless.

Then we think of all the shoulds. I should be making more money. I should be responsible. I should stay where I am for the kids. I should have a Masters's Degree. I should study something appropriate and on and on and on.

More often than not, we choose the do-nothing option. Not because it is what we want necessarily, but because it is less painful. Frequently the wants and the shoulds are contradictory, and we can spin and spin and spin on all the options, contradictions, and possibilities, so we stay put. Doing nothing. Sometimes that is ok. Sometimes the timing is off, we know WHAT we want to do, but it isn't the right time, we don't have the appropriate funding, we aren't quite ready yet, the kids are too young, or we need to do some more research.

The danger comes when we aren't intentional about what's happening, when we stay stuck, not because it makes sense but because the battle between the options and the shoulds is too great when we go back and forth ad nauseum.--as I have been doing on my how to spend my Birthday debate. It isn't that I don't know what I want to do. It is that I think I should want something different.

I don't want to have a big ring in the 39th celebration--(like I think I should). I don't want to plan a trip and organize (or pay for) flights, hotel dinners, etc. (like I think I should). I want and crave a quiet weekend at home--just me and our pets, watching movies, reading books sleeping in, and eating yummy food. Is it what I think I should want? No. But that's ok. The minute I was honest with myself, the decision came to me and the reason it was so challenging. My shoulds were louder than my wants. So frequently, we are stuck because our shoulds are louder than our wants--and when that occurs, it is next to impossible to move forward until we can be honest with ourselves.

Whether the decision is large or small, impacting the long term or short---whenever we are listening to the voice of the should, we will remain stuck, and we most definitely will not be living happier.

A Call To Stop Dog-Earring

This weekend during coffee o'clock, my nearest and dearest turned to me and said, "You know I was thinking last night, real change has to start with more than just turning down the corners of a magazine."

I looked at him inquisitively, and he went on to say, "You know how people mark catalogs by turning down the corners of the page. Well, real change requires more than just having an interest in the subject."

The insight reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend of mine last week. I told her about a book that I had just found, which I thought might be helpful to her. I asked if she had heard of it, and she replied, "Yep, actually, I bet it is sitting on the bookshelf over there" We both laughed knowingly. One of our many inside jokes is the number of books and resources we have purchased and never read. This use to be a HUGE problem for me. I could have purchased stock in Amazon. Anytime I had an inkling to learn something new or start a new adventure, I would go out and buy a book (ok, maybe 2-3 books), and then they would come. I MIGHT crack them open and skim them, or I might just put them on the bookshelf telling myself I would read them at a later time', but never actually getting around to it.

Finally, a few years ago, I had a little 'come to Jesus' moment’, as I call it, and realized not only was I wasting a lot of money, but there was a deeper problem going on. I took the safe road, made the easy move. I was looking for the resource, doing the research but not making any fundamental changes. I was kidding myself that I would learn photography, color mandalas, or train my dog. The list can go on and on.

We often buy a book or take a class thinking we will be changed just in the purchase alone. But change is greater than a purchase, greater than even reading the book. Change is a consistent process of action. Sometimes that action moves us forward; sometimes, it moves us backward; sometimes, it is learning how just to be. But it is an action. Change requires pushing our comfort zone paying attention to when we get uncomfortable. Change requires awareness of how we feel when we pick up a book or walk into a class to learn something new. Without this awareness, we unknowingly put up roadblocks and passively prevent change. Maybe we need to pick up the book and do a quick skim, maybe we need just to read chapters 1-5 and let it percolate, maybe we need just to dive in and embrace the fear and learn something new.

The point is it is time to stop dog-earring our way through life!!! I have been just 'dog-earring' the page of the things I want to change and learn all those years. What ideas have you been just dog-earring in your own life?

The Moments of And

 AND, it is such a lovely word, all-encompassing, inclusive. Over the past couple of years, I have changed how I talk to include and more often. I love you, and  I am hurt that you didn't call. I am unhappy in my career, and  I know it pays the bills.

In using and more often, I believe we open ourselves up to the possibilities of both. As humans, I have also noticed that we don't like holding both, the messy place of I want to go back to grad school, and I am scared to death of that change. 

We want things to be packaged neat and tidy. We want to believe that once I make a change or make a decision, the hard part is over. Unfortunately, not that is when the messy begins—moments of and happen all the time in our lives.

• I need to get some work done, and I need to catch up on my sleep.

• I need to work out, and I am behind on work.

• I am sad about the break-up, and I know it was the best thing for me.

• I want to figure out what comes next in my life, and I am exhausted right now.

• I am happy about all the changes in my life, and change is stressful.

We have AND's all the time. Holding them both is the challenge. Because bottom line it is hard to feel two contradictory emotions at one time!! AND the more awareness we can bring to how often those moments happen in our lives, the more space we give to both truths, the more we can allow emotions to surface, the happier we will be.

Growth comes in "the moments of and." When we learn how to recognize the beauty in both, start getting comfortable with the messy and begin to make space for two completely separate truths, then we start to see life for what it truly is: a fun, challenging, exhilarating, exhausting, joyous. terrifying ride!!

The Danger of Comparison

 Let's say you are struggling to make a life decision. You have been debating it for a while, and you just can't figure it out. You decide you need to do some research, figure out the best way, the right answer, see what other people are doing. You get on the internet, or you ask those around you, "Have you ever experienced _____ ?" or "What would you do if you were me?" And before you know it, you are inundated with advice, insight, information. Your head starts spinning, you've lost all perspective on what YOU want, and you find yourself stuck, no closer to a decision and more confused with what is the right path.

I confess I am guilty of the above, looking outside of myself for the right way or comparing myself to others to see if I am ok. To some extent, this is human. We all want to fit in. We need other people to help us. We need the guidance of people who have been there before or know us well.

And to some extent, this leads to self-sabotage. When comparing ourselves to other people or looking to others for advice makes us feel bad about ourselves, incompetent, insecure, or feeling like we are doing it 'wrong,' we have crossed into the danger zone of comparison. There is always someone out there who is doing it different, better, smoother, easier, and with more finesse. But there is only one YOU...there is only one person who has your unique set of needs, skills, life circumstances, gifts, and challenges. Yes, we can go out into the world to see what others have done or are doing, but we always need to bring that information and check it with our unique situation.

Too often, I get online to see what other coaches and counselors are doing, or I look at my friends to see the 'proper way to handle a particular situation. When I am doing this too much, I lose sight of what I want, what makes me passionate about my business, or what makes me unique is how I handle situations. The point is there is no right. Yes, it is always helpful to seek advice and gather information from those who have gone before us. When that information gathering starts chipping away at your self-esteem or drilling down your dreams, then it is time to stop and ask yourself--do I need more advice? What is it I need here?

Frequently we need a little support, a little compassion, a little gut check to remind us of who we are and what we value. So the next time you catch yourself looking for advice or input, make sure input is what you need, and you aren't getting too caught up in Comparison Danger. Because honestly, all comparing does is keeps us from moving forward towards a happier life.