Setting Boundaries with Compassion
Setting boundaries is challenging and confusing. We are taught to have curiosity about other people and be compassionate about what they are dealing with, so how can we then set a boundary that feels so cold and mean. So I want to clear up some confusion about boundaries.
Boundaries are part of a healthy relationship. When we can define where we end, and another person begins, that is healthy. Boundaries help us teach other people how to treat us. They let others know when we are angry, sad or pushed too far. When we can communicate our boundaries and let others know they have crossed them, we can make fundamental changes in a relationship. Too often, we are taught that saying no, making a request, speaking a need means we are selfish, needy, or disrespectful. But in reality, how can someone ever really get to know you if they don't know where your edges are, what makes you hurt, and what your needs are. Boundaries allow us to fully show up as humans, which naturally allows a healthy relationship to grow.
You can be curious about someone's behavior AND set a boundary. Your friend is always running late; sometimes it is 5 minutes, sometimes it is 30 minutes. But you can always count on him to be late. For the most part, this behavior doesn't bother you, but there are times when you are left sitting at a restaurant, or you missed the beginning of a movie because he was late. So you might have some curiosity around this behavior, and you might even come to understand that he just can't help it. He gets caught up in activities and loses track of time. Even though you know this about him, you understand this about him, and you have compassion for him; you also know that this behavior annoys you.
In all honesty, this behavior DRIVE YOU CRAZY. And that, my friend, is valid. You have every right to express that he drives you crazy being late and draw a boundary around it. So the conversation can go like this. You can say, "Hey Fred, I know you have a problem with running late. I get it you get caught up in doing stuff, and you lose track of time. But last week, when we missed the first 30 minutes of the movie, I was annoyed. So from now on, if you are late by more than 10 minutes, I am moving on without you." Boundary set. Fred can respond however he wants to. The chances are that Fred gets it and will want to change the behavior. But you have lovingly set the boundary.
You don't always have to explain the boundary. Sometimes it is necessary to set a boundary, but you don't always have to explain what you are doing. This is handy with people who aren't open to your feedback or relationships that aren't as close. For example, you have a co-worker, Mindy, who loves to play the victim role, and whenever you see her, she goes on and on about how terrible her life is and yet, takes no responsibility for it. She always asks you to go to happy hour and inevitably spends 3 hours talking about her miserable life her life, and it just leaves you drained.
If you choose, you can have a conversation with Mindy about this behavior, but the chances are that Mindy won't be able to hear you, and because she is a co-worker, you need to be able to work with her without animosity. So you can set a boundary without having an explanatory conversation. You can decide that you will only go out with her over the lunch hour because the time will be limited. Or you are only going to lunch with her if you can get other co-workers to go too. There are many creative ways you can limit your contact with her by setting a boundary without sitting her down and explaining the boundary. Chances are, if you said to her, "Mindy, I get you have a crappy life, and it is just hard to spend time with you because all you do is complain." Mindy won't be able to hear you and won't be able to change.
Boundaries are a healthy part of life and are a definite challenge to set. As you practice setting them, they can get easier.