Constructively Acknowledging Anger
Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions. We don't know how to acknowledge our anger constructively, so we tend to have two reactions to anger; both are inappropriate.
Stuff it: I remember a client from a few years ago. She just found out her husband had cheated on her. After she had told me the story, filled with sacrifices she had made and many ways he had treated her poorly, I asked how she felt hearing the story. And she replied, "I am just hurt." "Hurt, I said, that is understandable." "I, for one, am pretty angry," and she looked at me, completely startled. "Angry?" she asked. And I said, "yes, in hearing this story, I am angry at your husband for treating you this way" She immediately started crying and, in a small, meek voice, said, "me too, I am just not comfortable saying it." We spent a large chunk of our time together, helping her learn how to feel and express anger in a healthy way—learning how to find her voice. Speak up for herself. Recognize what anger felt like and how to share it in healthy, productive ways.
Share it: Or maybe you are ok with your anger. A former client of mine was very comfortable with her anger. She would yell at her kids, belittle her husband and tell anyone she knew how she felt about them. She didn't enjoy expressing herself in this way, but she had vowed to herself after watching her mother be so meek and mild to her father that she wasn't going to walk through life without expressing herself. She and I spent much of our time together working on healthy ways to express her anger and figuring out what was at the root of her anger. Frequently what we THINK we are angry about is merely a trigger to what is happening in the present moment. We might be yelling at our child for missing the bus, but really we are frustrated because we are feeling like less of a parent by them missing the bus. There are several inappropriate ways of expressing anger: Passive-aggressive, talking behind someone's back, yelling at someone, hitting someone, or belittling someone.
How to deal with anger productively
Express it. If you are filled with rage, let it out. Throw dishes, throw eggs, hit a pillow, scream at the sky, write a nasty letter, turn up the music and dance your ass off. Do something physical that is not directed toward another person to release it from your body.
Share it calmly. Share it with a friend, partner, or loved one. This can help you get to the cause of the anger, the source. It is important to do this after you have expressed it. If during the conversation you realize that you are taking the anger out on the person you are talking to--repeat step 1.
Take steps to heal it. If it is an unexpressed need, express the need and work toward getting it filled. If it is an injustice, share the injustice and work to resolve it. If it is a shame trigger, work to heal your past. Take productive action.
Anger doesn't need to be feared. Anger is a healthy, everyday part of life. Anger shows us when we are feeling wronged, and when we express it productively, we can change ourselves and the world.