Over Functioning is an Addiction
Last week, I had family in town for a family reunion, I was the host of this entire event, and I was trying to monitor my anxiety and make sure I didn't start over-functioning,
At first, I did a pretty good job. I would try to be present. I tried to practice A.S.K. I tried to show up and have self-loyalty.
On the day of the reunion, my husband and I made a trip to the grocery store to pick up last-minute items. My husband was pushing the cart, and I was walking five steps ahead, mumbling to myself, trying to keep track of the list I had in my head of what we needed to get. My husband tried his hardest to keep up with me, but it was next to impossible. Finally, walking through the parking lot, my husband says to me, "Hey Nance, you have gone to the dark side, and that's okay. I'm just letting you know because I know that one of your goals was to keep your over-functioning in check."
High functioning anxiety is a response to anxiety that causes us to push harder and try to outrun our anxiety. This behavior of pushing, hustling, and performing feels good. I felt great walking through the grocery store. I felt in my groove, on top of the world. Repeating the list in my head, moving from aisle to aisle in the most efficient way possible because my Monger loves me to be efficient. It feels fantastic until it doesn't because this behavior prevents me from connecting with my loved ones. My husband was at the store with me but purely as a being to help me maximize my efficiency, not as my husband, who I love and adore. I have missed connecting with family at previous gatherings because my anxiety controlled me.
Over-functioning is like an addiction. It feels so good until it spirals out of control.
When my husband lovingly called me out. I laughed and took a breath, and as we drove to my Mom's house, I said to myself, okay, Sweetie. This is hard having all these people come, and it inspires your anxiety which causes you to over-function. You won't stop over-functioning, but let's try to reduce the over-functioning from a ten to an eight.
If I could go back and redo the time leading up to the family reunion rather than trying to catch myself over-functioning in all areas, I would pick one specific area, the food. My anxiety tends to come out in making sure the food is perfect. So as I was cooking and shopping, I would practice self-loyalty, regularly bring myself back into my body, practicing A.S.K., and reminding myself it is just food; no one cares if it is perfect.
It is less about changing myself and fixing my anxiety and more about listening to it. My over-functioning is a sign that my anxiety is high. But because over-functioning is an addiction and feels so good. Sometimes, recognizing it isn't enough. That is the beauty of self-loyalty. Having my own back to recognize my anxiety is active, I am over-functioning, and it will be hard to change. So let's pick ONE small area we can work on.
This process is precisely what I take my students through in Self Loyalty School—learning how to quiet high-functioning anxiety through self-loyalty.