Childhood and High Functioning Anxety
After years of working with clients who live with High Functioning Anxiety and cope with their anxiety by over-functioning, there are some patterns to what they learned growing up. These patterns are not set in stone or the be-all end-all. Each of us has a unique story of growing up and navigating the world.
Today, I thought I would bring back Samantha, the main character in my book The Happier Approach, and have her share her growing up to illustrate some of these patterns.
Here is Samantha’s Story:
I had a happy childhood. Well, let me clarify; I would have described it as happy until my mid-30s. Through my therapy, I saw how my parents’ dysfunction led to many doubts and insecurities that I feel today. Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents, and they did the best they could with what they had. My Dad coped with his anxiety through drinking. Every day after work, he was tired and irritable. He poured a glass of red wine and parked himself in front of the TV. He was a happy drunk, and after a couple of glasses of wine, he turned into a different person. We always had family dinner where problems and concerns we brought were met with ‘be grateful’ and ‘toughen up. It was confusing as a child because my parents were clearly struggling with life, but there was no acknowledgment of that, and all the advice was to be better, keep pushing, and think positive. My Mom was present but not really. She often checked out and was either on or off, busying herself with chores or camped out on the couch watching TV and sleeping.
I was the youngest child with three older brothers. My role was to be the peacemaker. From a young age, I remember walking into the kitchen and playing counselor to Mom. Listening to her complain about Dad and my brothers and being a sounding board for her. I spent a lot of time mindreading and walking on eggshells. The painful reality is that everyone relied on me to be the peacemaker and problem solver while simultaneously making fun of me for being sensitive and emotional. The very reason I could problem-solve so well was what was ridiculed the most!
I was often up late stressing about a test or project at school and threw myself into whatever sport or activity was happening at the moment. The only way I received praise was when I performed well at school. So I obsessed about being the best while also navigating social relationships. Socializing made me very anxious (still does!), I had a small group of trusted friends, but my anxiety would be through the roof anytime I had to meet new people. To cope, I either busied myself by being ‘in charge,’ or I would turn into the group counselor, listening and offering support to others while simultaneously beating myself for being too stressed and emotional.
The main messages Samantha learned growing up.
Life is hard. Suck it up. Be grateful.
The mixed message of: don’t be too sensitive (because you will get hurt in life), and we secretly need and value your sensitivity.
The better you perform, the more praise you will receive.
Love and praise are earned through performance and caretaking, and bonus if you through yourself into these things, you can power through your anxiety.
Emotions aren’t safe—best to ignore them either through numbing (TV, alcohol, food) or working.
Loyalty to others is more important than loyalty to yourself.
Samantha's childhood messages are why I stress self-loyalty as a way to quiet your anxiety. Learning how to listen to ourselves and value ourselves allows us to take our emotions seriously so we can acknowledge them rather than ignore them.