When you Need to Hear More Than "Be Grateful"
The theme of empathy kept popping up for me this week:
An Ohio State Football Player, Harry Miller, announced he was taking medical leave because of his mental health. In the post, he shares how one of the reasons it took him so long to get help was the lack of empathy he would receive when he shared his struggles. The response he got was, "you are so talented and have the whole world in front of you, be grateful." What he heard was, "You are weak and pathetic because you are suffering so much. Quit being a cry baby and suck it up." They left him feeling dismissed and unsupported in their effort to "help" him to the point he contemplated suicide.
And the friend who shared that when she expressed a difficult moment to a co-worker, they dismissed her with a, "Well thank God that is over." What she heard was, "You are too sensitive. You shouldn't be upset it is over."
Or when I shared a painful disappointment with someone this week, and they said, "Well, you need to be patient, and it will happen. You just need to work harder."
What I heard was, "Quit complaining and get to work. You are so impatient and demanding. You need to work harder and quit whining."
None of these people who were unempathetic were intentionally trying to hurt us. They were trying to help. But in reality, they left us feeling more raw and damaged.
When I have gathered the courage to share my story with someone, and I am met with a trite statement about being grateful and soldiering on, I want to punch something. Looking for support and not getting it is a punch to the gut and can send us down a rabbit hole of shame and anger.
So what do you do when you share in the hopes of gaining support and are met with a statement about being grateful and thinking positive? Honestly, I wish I had some easy answers, but here is what I TRY to do (I am not always successful)
Be kind to myself. Even if someone else doesn't have my back, I try to have my own back (again, this is not always easy). I will say to myself, "Ugh, that sucks. Wow, people are terrible at empathy. Try to remember this is not about me."
Pull out the feelings sheet and acknowledge what I am feeling—it is tempting to get stuck in the anger (as Harry Miller shared in his statement). So when I can acknowledge my feelings and name the anger, shame, sadness, and frustration, it can prevent me from heading down a shame rabbit hole. Even though I know this helps, sometimes I do this right away, and sometimes it takes me a day or so before I think to do it.
Remind myself everyone is doing the best they can with what they have. Not to excuse crappy behavior but as a way to remind myself that it might not be about me.
AND if it is someone I care about, like a close friend or family member, I will circle back and have a conversation about how they missed the mark and what they can do differently next time to support me better.
This is also why I talk about self-loyalty so much. Having self-loyalty makes me more likely to do the things necessary to support myself after being met with a lack of empathy. So I can keep myself from heading too far down a rabbit hole of shame and anxiety.
This whole process is what I talk about in Self Loyalty School---building self loyalty to get to the root of your anxiety, so it doesn't run the show.