Why Listening to the Monger is Easier

“It is so annoying that talking to myself negatively is just easier.” A client lamented.

I can remember so clearly the struggle of understanding the Monger’s voice was causing me pain and still not being able to let her go. Because not only did I believe I deserved her negativity, I also believed that without her guidance, I would not be able to function as a whole person in the world. And even now, after I KNOW that my Monger is not helpful, her voice can still be easier to listen to because she is more familiar. Our whole lives, we have listened to this negative voice, our Monger telling us what to do, how to do it, and when we have failed.

When I responded to my client that the Monger’s voice is just more comfortable, she quickly responded, “No way she makes me feel like crap!”

Yes, she does, but she is also familiar and consistent and has been running the show for most of your life. So, absolutely, she is more comfortable.

Think of an old warm cozy sweater that you find in the back of your closet. It has been worn in and fits just right. Our Monger is like that sweater. You slide into it and think, Ah, yes, now I am safe. This is comfortable and familiar. Then slowly, over time, you realize why this sweater was buried at the back of your closet: it’s itchy! Soon that comfortable, familiar feeling gets taken over with itching, scratching, and wanting to get the sweater off as quickly as possible. Our Monger’s message is like that sweater; every time she starts in with her negativity and advice, we don’t even notice her because it is comfortable, safe, and familiar. Then over time, we realize, Oh no, I feel worse, this is not comfortable at all, and we want to get the sweater off as quickly as possible—but because we have been listening to the Monger for so long, the sweater has become like a straight jacket. Unhooking the Monger isn’t as easy as taking off an itchy sweater.

Frequently that analogy becomes like shorthand for my clients, and they will say, oh, I am wearing the sweater again to bring awareness that their Monger is running the show.

This persistence of the Monger and our belief that we deserve here are reasons why it is hard to unhook her.

Because our Monger convinces us that the one thing we need the most—kindness and compassion—is the thing that will keep us unsuccessful and unhappy.

Quieting our Monger isn’t about just changing our thoughts; it is about slowly, over time, transitioning to trusting ourselves. Trusting that we don’t need to be shamed to accomplish our goals, in fact, we will accomplish more by being kind and loyal to ourselves. It is the complete opposite message we have been taught for much of our lives! It is a radical idea to be more kind to yourself, and you will have less anxiety and shame.

This brings me back to my client saying listening to her Monger’s voice was easier. It is easier. And the key is being kind about that too. Being kind that sometimes you put on the old sweater and have to wear it awhile before you realize it is just itchy and just like the Monger you can stop wearing it.

Want to know more about quieting the Monger check out my book The Happier Approach: How to be Kind to Yourself, Feel Happier, and Still Accomplish Your Goals.

Stopping the Anxiety Rabbit Hole

I should go outside and sit on the porch. Gorgeous days like this are few in Ohio and come January, you will regret it. But my allergies are so bad, and if I sit outside, I will be congested all night.

I should go outside and sit on the porch and read my book—I should read more. But the porch furniture isn’t very comfortable, and after working in the yard this morning, my back hurts.

And then it ramps up, and my Monger steps in to remind me what a GOOD person would do. A good person would be sitting outside enjoying the weather, not staying in the house.

Yesterday afternoon was a beautiful sunny day, and I had the afternoon free. Hours stretched before me, and I spent the first part of it debating how I should spend the day. Initially, it starts pretty benignly, debating inside or outside. But then, if I am not aware, it can take on a darker, more rigid turn where I morph from what I should do to what a good person does, and then I can head down the rabbit hole of shame and anxiety. Unscheduled free time to most people would be a gift, but it can trigger my anxiety big time. All the rules of what I should do and how I could be doing it better or different can plague me.

The debate is so familiar it can take me a while to notice it.

That is one of the hardest parts about High Functioning Anxiety; the negative spirals are so normalized I don’t always notice them before I am down a dark rabbit hole where I am a lazy, loser all because I chose to sit inside and not outside on a sunny day!!

The other challenge to noticing the negative spirals is my brain is constantly in motion, analyzing, problem-solving, judging, etc. So even if I hear the debate, I jump into problem-solving--how can I solve this problem?!?! The solution is not in more thinking. The solution is slowing down and checking in.

Years ago, I wouldn’t have noticed the thoughts playing there; I would have just acted on them. So I would have forced myself to go outside and then beat myself up for not enjoying it. Or I would have decided to stay inside and beat myself up for not going outside. By the time the evening rolled around, I would have been an anxious mess full of shame and trying to find a way to do it right so my Monger would be quiet and I could feel better (which usually involved sugar and/or alcohol).

Yesterday as I was engaging in the “should I go outside” debate, I went to the bathroom, and as I looked in the mirror and made eye contact, I said to myself, "What do you want to do?!" I answered with, "stay inside", and so the next time I heard the “we should go outside mantra,” I said to myself, “I want to stay inside, so that is the end of the discussion.”

This process of awareness building and stopping yourself before you head down an anxiety rabbit hole is why I am so passionate about my one-on-one work. I take an unconventional approach. The traditional individual 60 minutes sessions can cause more anxiety and be more analysis and problem-solving. My clients don’t have to wait, and they can reach out to me any time and start noticing the anxiety rabbit holes earlier and earlier. Coach in Your Pocket has been a game-changer for my work and, most importantly, my clients.

My Anxiety Is High, What Can I Do?

My anxiety is so high right now, what can I do? I have received this question multiple times over the past couple of months. There are two answers to that question: the practical strategy to quiet anxiety and why those strategies are so hard.

Anxiety is avoidance.

Avoidance of something distressing, whether that be a snake in the woods, a social interaction, or a global pandemic. This avoidance causes our perspective to narrow, and we can get stuck in loops of anxiety. When we can slow down our brains and kindly acknowledge our experience, we can widen our perspective and develop strategies to ease the anxiety.

Whether practicing A.S.K., journaling, meditation, mindfulness exercises, or yoga, these practices allow us to get quiet, acknowledge the anxiety, be kind about it and find new ways of moving forward.

Now here is why those strategies are so hard.

1. It isn’t magic. We don’t do a 5 minute meditation, and then poof, our anxiety is banished for the day! On days when our anxiety is high, we might need to practice that process many times.

2. If we were raised to ‘think positive or be grateful’ or constantly told what we SHOULD feel or that others’ feelings were more important, the strategy above is like speaking Mandarin. It is hard, if not downright impossible.

I can remember feeling anxious, trying to meditate, and being met with walls and walls of resistance, which would cause me to spin out even more because now I have anxiety, and the strategy to help my anxiety isn’t working!!!

It is way more than just knowing the strategy to solve your anxiety.

It is about:

• building a relationship with yourself,

• unhooking the Monger who tells you your experience is ridiculous or crazy.

• realizing that being kind to yourself won’t hurt your productivity or make you weak.

In fact, being kind to yourself is the most important thing.

This is why the idea of self-loyalty is essential. IT WAS A GAME-CHANGER when I finally prioritized my experience and feelings over what I thought I SHOULD be feeling or what THEY felt.

That process doesn’t happen overnight, but here are some strategies to start exploring that process.

1. Remind yourself that the why doesn’t matter—I spent so much time analyzing why I was anxious, and most of the time, it was never a good enough reason. Remind yourself that what you are feeling is Ok.

2. Throughout the day, pause and check-in with yourself—how are you feeling right now? Just naming the feelings allows you to start building awareness of your experience and building self loyalty.

3. Notice how often you minimize your feelings of anxiety by telling yourself to be grateful, think positive, or so-and-so has it worse. Put your hands over your heart and say to yourself, “Yes, I have a lot to be grateful for, AND at this moment, I am sad, angry, exhausted, and that is ok. Having those emotions isn’t evil, selfish, or bad. They are just emotions.” (Or some non-therapisty sounding way of saying that HA!!)

Finally—we have been in the upside-down world of the pandemic for a very long time, and just when we think we have adjusted, another change comes along, so the fact that anxiety is high right now is understandable. The goal of my one-on-one program: Coach in Your Pocket is helping people with anxiety build self-loyalty with themselves so they can quiet their anxiety and we can work together no matter where you live.

Please reach out to me or to a professional you trust who can help you.

Don’t Let Your Emotions Get In The Way Of Your Productivity

If you struggle with anxiety, you’re probably all too familiar with waves of overwhelming feelings that never seem to give up. When left untreated, those emotions and anxious thoughts can build and get in the way of our productivity. This can cause a big problem for people with high functioning anxiety (HFA), who value productiveness and getting things done despite the anxiety they feel.

A very common response I see to this is to hide those feelings or ignore them completely either because we don’t want to deal with the situation or we’re scared to just feel. Bottling up emotions can eventually lead us to lose control over our abilities to keep them suppressed. 

What we should do instead is recognize that emotions are not positive or negative, they are just biological responses to the world around us. When we learn emotional control we are better able to control our emotions in a way that encourages productivity.

How Emotions Get In The Way Of Productivity

Emotions get in the way of our productivity when we don’t give ourselves permission to acknowledge them, instead we get stuck over analyzing and judging the way we feel.

Let’s use an example. My boss said something to me that makes me really angry--rather than just recognizing how I’m feeling, I get stuck in analyzing whether or not my anger is an appropriate response to what my boss said. I go chat with a co-worker and tell her why I’m angry and she agrees with me which just makes me angrier. 

Despite what my coworker said to me, my inner critic (I call this voice a Monger) starts in about how I should be grateful I have a job, I shouldn’t be angry, and I’m just a privileged spoiled brat. My inner critic/Monger makes me anxious so I seek another coworker's advice to help me sort through my feelings. I once again explain the situation and my co-worker agrees with me, too. She sparks my feelings even more and we end up spending 30 minutes together just beating up on our boss. 

The emotions we feel aren’t the problem, it’s our response and action to the emotion. Too often we respond to the feeling by engaging in more drama and help to justify that it’s ok to feel a certain way. This is a huge waste of time. In the moment, your feelings may feel justified, but what did you really get out of that experience?

How To Control Emotions And Feelings

Emotional control is not about suppressing and controlling feelings so we don’t feel them anymore. It’s about understanding yourself and your emotions and learning how to cope with them in a way that is healthy and not harmful to your productivity.

One way we can do this is when our emotions cause us to act out or make impulsive decisions that have negative repercussions. I always encourage clients to give themselves time to calm down, reflect, and do a full-body movement. Moving our body helps get us out of our heads where we spend too much time judging whether our emotions are ok to feel or not and building a case for either side. Give yourself some time to process your emotions, then later, you can analyze what really happened and see it for what it is. 

Let’s refer to the example I gave previously. When I run off my emotions and let them impact how I react, I could do or say something to my boss or coworker that I would regret later. After taking some time to reflect, I can see if they were right or not to criticize me and then decide from there what steps I want to take. If they were right, then I chalk it up to my boss doing their job and I just need to accept the criticism. Or maybe this is the 3rd time they criticized me in a really harsh way so I need to take action and either have a conversation with my boss or find another job. 

Taking the time to reflect on our emotions and decisions helps us clear our head to make the best decision we can in the moment. Sometimes even that decision won’t be right, and that’s okay. The important thing to remember is emotional control allows you to make space for your emotions and deal with them in a healthy way, rather than suppressing them and pretending they don’t exist.

Learn How To Control Your Emotions With An Anxiety Coach

It takes reflection, patience, and self loyalty to find the source of your anxiety and figure out a plan to work through it. All of this process is about honoring your reaction to the world around you and building a loyalty with yourself so that over time this process becomes more like a healthy habit and less of a battle.

If you are someone who struggles with controlling feelings and emotions as a result of HFA and desperately wants to learn how you can work through them, then set up a free consultation with me today.

My coaching services offer a one-on-one approach and are tailored to your specific needs. I also have a self-guided course that covers emotional identification skills for those struggling with overwhelming feelings. Check out my course or my services to learn more about managing your emotions and productivity.

Myths And Misconceptions About High Functioning Anxiety

When dealing with high functioning anxiety (HFA), one of the worst things you can do is rely on “experts” who spread misinformation about HFA and don’t actually understand the unique challenges that HFA brings. Whether you’ve been recently diagnosed, dealing with anxiety for a long time, or think you may have HFA, I know how tempting the desire to find answers can be.

When you go searching for answers, you will find them, but that doesn’t always mean they’re right. In fact, it’s extremely likely that you have already or will find many misconceptions and myths about anxiety that may lead you down the wrong path or stop you from getting help at all.

As an anxiety coach who works with patients that struggle with HFA, I have run across many of these myths and misconceptions. And if you’re like me, then you want to make sure you know the truth about anxiety and HFA so you know how to deal with it the right way. 

In order to do that, we should start by debunking the most common myths and misconceptions about anxiety that I’ve run across over the years of helping my clients overcome their HFA. 

What Is High Functioning Anxiety?

If you’re familiar with anxiety, you may have a general understanding of how it works and what people with generalized anxiety disorder may be experiencing. High functioning anxiety may be a new term that you’re not as familiar with—and high functioning anxiety is not the same as general anxiety. 

One of the biggest indicators that you may have high functioning anxiety? You know what it’s like to seem calm, cool, and collected on the outside but on the inside, you’re fighting a battle with the constant storm of self doubt, stress, and anxiety.

People with high functioning anxiety are high functioning; they may not always appear to be timid, panicked, or worrisome like those with general anxiety. One person’s “high functioning” could be different than someone else’s. 

Despite the opinion of that random person on the internet, or your friend who said “It’s no big deal, everyone deals with it”, high functioning anxiety is not the same for everyone. How you deal with HFA needs to be based on a plan that is tailored to you. Don’t let anxiety disorder misconceptions stop you from getting the right help.

Common Myths About High Functioning Anxiety

A lot of what we have read, been told, or think about high functioning anxiety is actually just stereotypes about anxiety that we either found on the internet or were told by someone that doesn’t actually have formal training or certifications to treat anxiety. Eventually, these myths and misconceptions about anxiety start becoming real in our heads. 

 I often have to help my clients break free from these stereotypes so they can see the truth about their own high functioning anxiety. What I found is that most of my clients with high functioning anxiety often convince themselves that:

I don't worry all the time…

People often assume that because they don’t worry all of the time, they must not have high functioning anxiety.  High functioning anxiety doesn’t mean you worry all the time, but it does mean you’re probably over stimulated with stress, even if you don’t show it on the outside, and determined to achieve your goals no matter what, and that can be a lot for someone to deal with. So, just because you don’t “worry all the time” like other people with HFA, doesn’t mean you aren’t dealing with it, too.

My anxiety helps me get more done…

Yes, high functioning anxiety can be a driving factor for you to get a lot done or get more done, whether that be at home, work, etc. The reason why someone with high functioning anxiety gets “so much done” is because the intense fear of not getting something done is too much to handle. Maybe you’re so scared of failure that you do whatever is possible to achieve something, this could lead to overworking yourself, self doubt, or burn out.  

I have never missed work because of my anxiety…

A high performance, high stress workplace is one of the most common places you can find people with high functioning anxiety and I have seen it time and time again with my own clients. Maybe you stop yourself from calling in sick or taking that long overdue vacation because even the thought of not going to work makes you freak out. Meanwhile, everyone around you thinks you have everything together because you never let yourself drop the ball, no matter the cost to you, your family, or your health.

Anxiety doesn't hold me back, it motivates me…

You may be telling yourself that having high functioning anxiety is actually okay because it motivates you to do more and be more. It seems to be the driving force that has helped you reach your success. And while stress can be a good motivator for short periods of time, anxiety can be an overwhelming and debilitating emotion when left untreated. It may come across as a motivator for now, but overtime, high functioning anxiety can take its toll on your mental health and lead to prolonged periods of feeling unmotivated to do anything or even physical burnout that results in hospitalization.  

Work With A High Functioning Anxiety Coach Today

If you are a high functioning person who seems like they have it all figured out on the outside, but on the inside you feel like the world is crashing down on you, you probably have your own misconceptions about high functioning anxiety and might not even realize they aren’t actually true. 

You may find that working with a high functioning anxiety coach can help you work through the stereotypes about anxiety in your head so you can see the truth for what it really is.

My course is designed to help those that deal with high levels of anxiety but may look like they have it all together. Wanting a more personable approach? I also offer coaching services that provide the opportunity for me to work with you one on one so we can really dig deep into the root causes of your high functionality. 

Don’t let the myths and misconceptions about high functioning anxiety stop you from getting the help you need. Schedule a free consultation or check out my course to get started.

Self Shame: What Is It, Why You Do It, And How To Deal With It

Self shame is something that we all struggle with and at times, we can feel like we’re in an endless battle with our anxiety and inner self-critic. Constantly shaming and belittling ourselves stops us from being able to bloom into our potential and achieve all the things we want to do.

If you have struggled with the torment of constantly shaming yourself, then you’re probably longing for a way to improve your self shame and stop shame spirals that can last for days, weeks, maybe even years. 

I’m here to tell you your self shame doesn’t have to last forever. By identifying where it comes from, we can figure out how to deal with shame and stop the shame spiral for good.

What Is Self Shame?

To understand what self shame is, you have to understand what self shame isn’t. Many people assume that self shame is the same thing as guilt, but in reality, shame and guilt are two very different things. Guilt is when you did something wrong and you feel remorseful because of it. Shame is when you feel like there’s something wrong with you and is often a side effect of high functioning anxiety (HFA).

Shame and anxiety go hand in hand. A lot of times, our self shaming is a direct result of our anxious thoughts that make us hyperfixate on the negative and over critique ourselves by pointing out every bad thing we can find. We can become so blinded by our shame that we can’t see any of the good things in ourselves.

Why Do You Shame Yourself?

There are plenty of different reasons why we shame ourselves. A lot of the time, the shame we feel can stem from the shame we received from someone else. 

Take children for example: infants and babies tend to make impulsive decisions that aren’t well thought out just because they don't know any better. It’s not until children are older and more developed that they start to understand the impact of their actions. For children in abusive or toxic households, they probably experienced a lot of shame from an early age, which likely carried with them into adulthood. 

But troubles during childhood are not the only reason why you might be shaming yourself. While past childhood traumas can impact our anxieties today, there are a number of other reasons why we shame ourselves: 

1. A loud self-critic

Our inner critic is at odds with us all the time. In my work as an anxiety coach, I call this voice the Monger. When our inner critic becomes overly belittling, mean, and negative, it is referred to as negative self talk. Negative self talk is the negative critiques we give ourselves. Maybe you shame your body and your abilities, or shame yourself when you aren’t able to accomplish something. These are all examples of how our inner self-critic can use negative self talk to shame ourselves. 

Even if you’re able to calm your Monger during the day, it can come out at night with a vengeance and cause you to lay awake at night consumed with negative thoughts about yourself. For many of my clients, their self-critic can be so loud it causes insomnia that affects their day to day ability to function.

2. Rejection from others

Whether it be from friends, family, colleagues, romantic partners, or even complete strangers, rejection can sting. Rejection is a part of life and something we’ll all have to deal with, but we still see it as a direct reflection of who we are even though in most cases, it has nothing to do with us. We tend to imagine the worst reasons why someone may have rejected us and focus on the negatives about ourselves. Most of the time these are imagined and the self shame we place on ourselves is far worse than the rejection from others.

3. Self esteem issues

Shame can be triggered by our low self esteem. When we tell ourselves we aren’t “good enough” we open the door to shaming ourselves and making our self esteem even worse. If you struggle with self esteem issues, you’re probably lacking the confidence to stop the constant shaming and tell yourself that you are good enough.

Lack of self esteem can trigger us to give into cycles of shame and indulgence, where we procrastinate or do things that we know are bad for us and then beat ourselves up because we couldn’t resist the temptation. 

Letting Go Of Shame

We all have different experiences that play a role in how we shame ourselves. That’s why it’s so important to identify where your shame is coming from. Once you do that, you can start taking the right steps towards figuring out how you can deal with and get rid of shame. 

1. Don’t hold your emotions in

For most of us with high functioning anxiety, we like to think that we’re able to shut our emotions off on command. When we’re feeling overwhelmed with an emotion, we push it down and refuse to recognize emotions or work through it. If we’re not careful, these emotions can build up so much that we lash out in anger, breakdown, or stay awake at night just feeling. Holding in these pent up emotions can eventually lead to us losing control over our ability to keep them suppressed and can seriously derail our lives if we let it.

2. Identify what triggers you

Our triggered emotions can usually be linked back to something that someone said or did, and sometimes the culprit is our own anxious thoughts. If you can recognize the source that triggers the emotions you feel in the moment, then you can prepare yourself for when that source tries to trigger you again. For help identifying triggered emotions, I typically use a tool called A.S.K. which teaches my clients how to identify and recognize their emotions. 

3. Be kind to yourself and know your worth

Life is hard enough on its own, and it can be even harder when our self shame kicks it into overdrive with negative critiques and hurtful thoughts about ourselves. We tend to talk to ourselves in a more negative, hurtful way than how we would even talk to others. One of the best ways to build confidence and boost your self esteem is to be kind and patient with yourself. Know your worth and be as loyal to yourself as you are to others.

4. Talk to an anxiety coach

Figuring out where our shame is coming from and then setting a plan in motion to deal with it is not an easy thing to do, especially when our shame is the very thing blinding us from finding the truth. One of the best ways to deal with self shame is to talk to an experienced anxiety coach. With help from an anxiety coach, you can learn healthy and productive ways to improve your self shame. 

Work With An Anxiety Coach To Improve Self Shame

Don’t let your self shame stop you from gaining the confidence you need to achieve your goals. You can still get your life back on track no matter how long you’ve dealt with it. 

As an anxiety coach, I work to help you figure out why you’re shaming yourself so we can make a plan tailored to stopping your self shame. My coaching services offer a one-on-one approach so we can really dig deep and find a solution. 

I also have a self-guided course that covers the impacts of anxiety on mental health and how it could be feeding into your self shame. Check out my course to learn more about overcoming your shame.

How To Stop Feeling Lost And Stuck In Life

I hear it time and time again. People feel like they’re stuck in life or can’t get out of the rut they’re in. You start the day motivated and ready to dive into your to-do list and inevitably you get derailed, either through procrastination, over analyzing, or overestimating what you can accomplish. You end the day feeling defeated and beating yourself up for your inability to accomplish your tasks. This mentality can take a huge toll on someone's mental health and their ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Are you someone who feels like you’re living the same day over again? Maybe you feel like you’re stuck in a cycle of spinning your wheels, making the same mistakes and you’re afraid you’ll never be able to break free? You may be dealing with symptoms of high functioning anxiety (HFA) which likely is feeding into your “stuck” feelings. 

People with HFA struggle with having unrealistic expectations of themselves, over-estimating how much they can get done, and getting stuck in perfectionism which leads to over-analyzing and procrastination. They’re great overachievers and appear like they’ve got it all figured out on the outside, but on the inside, they feel like they’re failing constantly and not getting anywhere in life. 

If you struggle with HFA, you don’t have to feel stuck forever. As an anxiety coach, I work with clients that feel like they’re stuck, to help them identify the positive areas of their lives and make a game plan to get out of the rut they’re in.

Why Do I Feel Stuck In Life?

The emotions you have about being stuck could make you feel like you need to make a drastic change right away. It could even lead you to make hasty decisions that aren’t well thought out. And when those clearly risky decisions don’t work out, you’re right back to where you started - feeling stuck and confused. 

Before you make a drastic change fueled by overwhelming emotions stemming from HFA, start by simply acknowledging the feelings you are having. Give yourself permission to acknowledge your anxiety and the other feelings that might be driving it. That way, you can identify the source, and make a plan to fix it.

Here are some reasons why you might feel like you’re stuck in a rut:

1. You’re unmotivated

Getting complacent with our lives can make us feel dull and unmotivated. These feelings can stretch throughout different areas of our lives like into relationships, work, goals, etc. If you do the same thing every day, and never make any healthy and progressive changes, it only makes sense that you would feel this way. 

2. You’re unfulfilled

Feeling unfulfilled can be caused by a number of things. Comparison is the thief of joy, and throwing HFA on top of that just makes it worse. Anxiety makes us overthink our lives and hyperfixate on the bad things, not allowing us to see the good. Comparing our lives to other people can make us feel like we did something wrong with ours. Everyone is on a different journey and in a different place in their life. Concentrate on your life, where you are in the moment, and what you can do to make your life the best it can be. 

3. You keep making the same mistakes

Another reason why you might feel like you’re in a rut is because you keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. When we continue to make the same mistakes and not learn from our actions, then we aren’t able to grow and bloom into our potential. Recognizing where we fall short allows us to take the right steps towards fixing it. 

How To Get Out Of A Rut In Life

Once you figure out why you’re feeling stuck in life, then you can figure how to stop feeling stuck in life. 

You may be worried that your HFA can’t be fixed and you’re too far gone into a rut. I’m here to tell you that no matter how stuck you feel, you don’t have to feel like that forever. Things can and will change once you put your mind to it and see the bigger picture. 

1. Make a change

Getting stuck in the same routine, or continuing to make the same mistakes is a clear sign of HFA and will eventually lead to you feeling stuck in life. In an attempt to decrease our anxiety we will double down on our routine and try to maintain control. It may not feel helpful but changing the scenery or doing something new can decrease anxiety and help you feel less stuck! Our lives are not meant to be mundane so try getting out of your comfort zone. There is always an opportunity to grow, try new things, and better ourselves.

2. Forget about being perfect

Being a perfectionist comes with its own benefits, but it can be detrimental for our mental health if we set high standards that are unattainable. It’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes. When we aren’t able to meet the perfectionist standards, it’s easy to get down on ourselves which holds us back from taking risks and trying new things.

3. Be patient with yourself

If you feel stuck in life you’ve probably been told things like “get over it” or “you’re just being dramatic”, and I’d bet you’re probably telling yourself those same things right now. Life can be hard enough on its own, and even harder when we aren’t kind and patient with ourselves. You probably feel very alone as a result of all these overwhelming emotions, so remember that it's okay to have bad days. Be as loyal and compassionate with yourself as you are to others.

Work With An Anxiety Coach To Get Out Of Your Rut

Do you find yourself longing to make a change that will help you get out of the rut you’re stuck in? Maybe you struggle with HFA and continue to make the same mistakes that hold you back from being able to achieve your goals. Determining where these feelings are coming from can be hard to figure out on your own, especially because those feelings could be the very thing holding you back from getting help. 

You don’t have to feel stuck forever. I have seen first hand how people that feel stuck in their lives have been able to pull themselves out of a dark rut and find the light at the end of the tunnel. 

As an anxiety coach, I work to help you figure out why you’re feeling stuck, and make a plan tailored to you to get you out of your rut. My coaching services offer a one-on-one approach so we can really dig deep and find a solution. 

I also have a self-guided course that covers the impacts of HFA and how it could be feeding into your feelings of being stuck in life. Check out my course to learn more about how you can stop making the same mistakes and get control over your life again.

Recognizing Your Emotions And Why You Should Be

Emotions. We’ve all dealt with them. Sometimes we feel like we’re on top of the world, and sometimes we feel like we can’t get any lower. From the highs to the lows, intense emotions can be hard to navigate and control if we don’t know how. This is especially true for those that suffer from high functioning anxiety (HFA). 

People with HFA want to be in control of their emotions and often believe that if they just suppressed their feelings they’d be able to do more, achieve more, and be better people. But suppressing or hiding our emotions only makes it worse and there are much easier and healthier ways to deal with them than trying to ignore them all together. Recognizing your emotions is an important first step towards working through them. 

As an anxiety coach, I work with you to learn how to recognize your feelings so you can work through them and get your life back. Instead of letting your emotions get the best of you or get in the way of your goals, you can learn how to recognize, accept, and feel emotions without them derailing your life. 

Why You Should Identify Your Emotions

At times, emotions can be overwhelming and hard to handle. We’ve probably all dealt with waves of emotions that may have blinded our decision making skills or caused us to have a breakdown. 

For most of us with HFA, we like to think that we’re able to shut our emotions off when we need to. When we’re feeling overwhelmed with an emotion, we push it down and refuse to acknowledge it. Bottling up our feelings can eventually lead us to lose control over our abilities to keep them suppressed.

If we’re not careful, these emotions can build up so much that we lash out in anger, breakdown, or stay awake at night just feeling. Being unable to control these pent up emotions can seriously derail our lives if we let it. 

So what can we do to prevent these emotional reactions from happening? Recognizing your emotions is the first step towards being able to work through them, getting control of how you feel, and living a more fulfilling life where you don’t have to become robot-like in order to survive.

How To Recognize Emotions

Everyone’s emotions are different, so there’s not just one way someone can say how to identify emotions. In general though, there are some questions that you can ask yourself that will give you some insight into why you’re feeling the way you do.

This is the same process my coaching centers on in A.S.K., a tool I teach my clients and students how to use to get control of emotions. It all starts with identifying and recognizing emotions.

Because people with HFA tend to judge any emotion that isn’t happy or content, we can get caught up in justifying their emotions, rather than just acknowledging them. This keeps us stuck in our heads and can lead to more anxiety and negative self talk.  

People with HFA tend to judge any emotion that isn’t happiness or contentment. When we do this, we can often get caught up in justifying those emotions rather than just acknowledging them. This keeps us stuck in our heads and can lead to more anxiety and negative self talk. Instead, try following these steps: 

1. What emotions are you feeling?

When you feel your emotions getting out of control, or don’t understand where your emotions are coming from, try figuring out what emotions are coming up. Write them down. Figure out exactly what you’re feeling and where they're stemming from. 

Are you feeling angry? Or are you confused and anxious over something? Are you ready to give up on everyone and everything? Or do you actually feel unfulfilled - longing for something to get you motivated again?

2. Did anything happen to trigger these emotions?

Emotions can be triggered by someone or something. You may feel like your emotions have and always will be the same, but more times than not, there’s a specific reason your emotions may have been triggered.

Most of the time, they can be linked back to something that someone said or did, and sometimes the culprit is our own thoughts. When you feel an overwhelming emotion coming on, try to recognize if there was a specific person or situation that may have triggered those feelings. If you can recognize the source that triggers the emotions we feel in the moment, then we can prepare ourselves for when that source tries to trigger us again. 

3. What did you do as a result?

Emotions can blind our judgement and make us do things we wouldn’t normally do. The aftermath of emotional turmoil or an emotional breakdown often comes with guilt and regret because of something we did or said. To avoid this from happening, you need to recognize what reactions and urges your emotions are making you have. This requires us to be completely honest with ourselves even if it’s not always easy to admit. Being honest with yourself allows you to understand the impact that emotions can have and be aware of your actions when you feel yourself gravitating towards those urges. 

Recognize Your Emotions With An Anxiety Coach

If you are someone who struggles with emotional recognition as a result of HFA and desperately wants to learn how to be aware of your emotions so you can work through them, then set up a free consultation with me today.

I’ve worked hard to provide clients with the options they need in order to recognize and manage emotions. My coaching services offer a more one-on-one approach and are tailored to your specific needs.

I also have a self-guided course that covers emotional identification and emotional intelligence skills for those struggling with recognizing emotions. Check out my course to learn more about how you can start getting control over your emotions.

Negative Self Talk: What It Is and How to Stop It

Working as an anxiety coach, I have become all too familiar with the inner voice. That little voice we hear in our heads can be helpful at times, like when it kindly motivates us to keep working hard towards our goals. Many times though, that inner voice can have a dark side too. 

When our inner critic becomes overly belittling, mean, and negative, it is referred to as negative self talk. Years ago, when I first wrote my book The Happier Approach, I called this internal negative voice the Monger, because she is spreading negative propaganda about us.

Negative self talk refers to the negative critiques we give ourselves. Maybe you shame your body or your abilities, maybe your mind tells you that you’re not good enough. These are all examples of how our inner voice can be negative self talk. 

Constant trash talk and negative self reflection takes a toll on mental health, and the longer you avoid dealing with it, the worse it will get. 

The Monger is one of the main symptoms of high functioning anxiety and one of the most common reasons my clients eventually seek help. It can drive you to self-sabotage, repeat the same mistakes over and over, or even run yourself so ragged you end up hospitalized from exhaustion.

Negative self talk can manifest into a life of overwhelming emotions and exhaustion, frankly it can make us totally miserable, if it isn’t worked through. You may think “There’s nothing I can do to change it, I’m always going to have to deal with negative self talk.” I’m here to tell you, you don’t have to!

I help people that struggle with overwhelming bad self talk to build loyalty with themselves, recognize emotions and learn how to combat those pesky inner voices. In my course, I cover how to conquer the Monger as well as the other voices that show up in our minds, especially for those showing signs of high functioning anxiety. 

What Is Negative Self Talk?

Negative self talk refers to the voice in your head that convinces you that you need to be criticized and ridiculed in order to accomplish your goals. The challenge is we believe negative self talk is why we are successful. In reality it is the opposite.

 The Monger is the voice that is constantly playing in your head, sharing all the ways you failed, could have been better and messed up. She tells you you’re not enough, you’re no good, you’re not worth it. The problem is we believe we need her to accomplish our goals and without her harassing us on a daily basis we would be lazy, do-nothing blobs binge watching Netflix and eating donuts on the couch. 

While you look like you have it together on the outside, there’s a voice on the inside telling you the exact opposite. After a while, this combination of constant negative self-talk takes a toll on your mental health.

Repeatedly trash-talking yourself creates unwanted stress for you and others around you. You’re on edge constantly because your mind won’t let you rest from all of the negative self talk. What’s worse is that these hurtful thoughts hinder you from believing in yourself and taking risks. This can have long lasting effects on both you and your mental health. 

Negative Self Talk Examples

Negative self talk can come in many forms and references an array of topics. You might not even be aware of your negative self talk in other areas of your life. Here are some negative self talk examples:

• “I’ll never be good enough”

• “I can’t do anything right”

• “No one cares about me”

• “I’ll never be successful”

 Negative self talk can also refer to physical features…

• “I’m so ugly.”

• “I hate how my body looks.”

• “I wish [insert body feature] was smaller/bigger.”

• “I would look better if I did this.”

….or when we compare ourselves to others.

• “I’ll never be as successful as them.”

• “I wish I looked more like her.”

• “They always have everything figured out and I never do.”

• “I would be happier with his life.”

Sound familiar? 

How to Help Negative Self Talk

1. Be aware of your emotions

Being aware of our emotions and why we’re feeling anxious is an important step to identifying where your anxiety is coming from. We’ve been taught that the only emotion we should have is happiness. But in reality we experience lots of different emotions. Acknowledging your feelings (even the unpleasant ones) is key to decreasing your negative self talk.  Giving yourself permission to acknowledge your emotions is counter to the message of the Monger which is why it is the first step in helping negative self talk. 

2. Slow down and get into your body

When we experience a lot of negative self talk we get stuck in our heads. When you notice your Monger talking, take a pause and do a full body movement--stretch, dance, wiggle, reach up to the sky, touch your toes. Getting into your body allows you to get out of your head and remember you are a living breathing human being--not a machine.

3. Challenge yourself to see a bigger picture.

Negative self talk usually takes place in vague generalities so challenge yourself to get specific. If you start thinking “I will never be successful” challenge yourself to define what success looks like to you and what are the baby steps you need to take to achieve your goals. Then kindly start taking those steps. 

4. Be patient with yourself

Be patient and compassionate with yourself. After all, nobody else knows what you’re going through besides you. It’s okay to give yourself a break sometimes, and can actually be a great way to improve negative self talk.

5. Talk to an anxiety coach

Figuring out why you’re anxious can be hard to do  on our own and sometimes we need a third party perspective. Working with an anxiety coach to figure out where your anxiety is coming from will help you determine a way to quiet the intrusive thoughts you have. 

Learn How to Stop Your Negative Self Talk 

Negative self talk is hard to overcome on your own. Anxiety can make you feel like you’re alone or like the negative self talk will never actually end. I’m here to tell you that you are not alone and your negative self talk can be helped. 

As an anxiety coach, I work with clients to figure out where negative words about self are coming from and make a game plan that will help address those thoughts so you can learn how to overcome negative self talk on your own. My coaching services offer a more one on one approach and are tailored to your specific needs.

I also have a self-guided course that covers our internal voices, including how to stop negative self-talk, reduce overindulgence and self-destructive voices, and the voices we should be listening to more. Check out my course to learn more about how you can start getting control of negative self talk.

Dealing With Anxiety and Self Sabotage

An overwhelming amount of anxiety on one person can cause a number of self destructive behaviors, one of those being self sabotage. Maybe you’ve experienced this yourself but don’t really think of yourself as having anxiety.

If you seem like you have it together on the outside but there’s an undercurrent of self destructive anxiety and a history of self-sabotage, you may be showing signs of high functioning anxiety, which isn’t the same as generalized anxiety

In times of stress, maybe you start doubting yourself, taking on too much, procrastinating or letting your emotions get the best of you. These are common behaviors of someone who deals with high levels of anxiety and self sabotage. 

In order to prevent your high functioning anxiety from self sabotaging your work, relationships, or other important opportunities, you need to recognize where your anxiety is stemming from and make a plan to work through it. But this can be hard to do without some help, especially if you don’t think you’re actually an anxious person.

As an anxiety coach, I work with people that struggle with anxiety and self sabotage to help them combat their self destructive tendencies and create a game plan for future success. These tips are great starting points for anyone who wants to learn what causes self sabotaging behavior and how to deal with their own anxiety and self sabotage.

Anxiety and Self Doubt: The Root Cause of Self-Sabotage

Anxiety and self doubt go hand-in-hand and may explain the overwhelming feelings that you’re experiencing. Your anxious thoughts make you overthink and question your own abilities. 

Self sabotage starts when we start to doubt ourselves and our abilities. When this happens, it can be hard to get out of the cycle of self-destruction. Getting anxious about something which makes you doubt yourself and that turns into self sabotaging, which strengthens the anxious thoughts you have. 

There are two sides to self sabotage you need to understand in order to identify why you sabotage yourself. 

The first is negative self sabotage which consists of negative self talk. I call this the Monger. This is the easiest to identify because negative self talk is something we know we shouldn’t do but a part of us believes we need to beat ourselves up or we won’t accomplish anything. So something that appears to be serving us is actually hurting us. It might seem counter-intuitive but negative self-talk actually holds us back from doing the things we want or need to do to make progress. 

It can be harder to identify the self-indulgence that leads to self-sabotage. Positive self sabotage is when you let things slide, over indulge, or let yourself get away with something because “you deserve it.” That attitude is what I like to call the BFF. 

The BFF is like that close friend we all have who is always on our side and encourages us to “spoil ourselves.” The BFF comes out in response to the negative self-talk of the Monger; she serves as a mid-guided release to the pressure our Monger is putting on us. They have the right intentions, but sometimes we need to be held accountable for our self sabotaging tendencies so we can recognize them and make a plan to correct those behaviors. 

Both of these inner voices actually come from anxiety, which may surprise you. They’re both sides of the same coin and are extremes on either end of how we try to cope with anxiety. When we’re beating ourselves up, we’re feeding the internal voices anxiety creates. When we let things slide, we’re ignoring those voices but not really dealing with the cause.

Either way, not dealing with these internal voices can lead straight to self-sabotaging behaviors. Be aware of your own emotions when you find yourself self-doubting or shutting down. Anxiety could be playing a huge role. 

Why You May Be Experiencing Anxiety and Self Sabotage

Being aware of our emotions and why we’re feeling the way we are is an important step to identifying how anxiety fuels the self sabotage impulse. This comes with needing a certain level of emotional intelligence which helps us be more self aware to understand our thoughts and feelings.

Figuring out why you’re experiencing anxiety and self destructive behavior ties back to the two types of self sabotage, negative or positive. 

You may be dealing with negative self sabotage like negative self talk. High levels of anxiety have a big impact on what we do and how we talk to ourselves. If you struggle with symptoms of negative self sabotage you could be dealing with an underlying issue of anxiety.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, positive self sabotage deals with things like over indulgence or not holding yourself accountable. This behavior could be stemming from rebellion against the overbearing nature of your negative self talk. Attempting to fill a “hole” inside ourselves, in an unhealthy self gratifying way, can have severe consequences if we aren’t careful.

Get Help For Anxiety and Self Sabotage

If you’re tired of your anxiety getting the best of you, then let’s talk. As an anxiety coach, I work with clients to identify and work through anxiety and self sabotage. My course teaches you how to identify your self sabotage, both negative self talk and over indulgence, and how to balance the two. I also offer coaching services for anyone struggling with anxiety who’s ready to take the right steps to start managing anxiety more effectively. 

Schedule a free consultation to see how I can help you work through your anxiety so you can stop self sabotaging and get your life back.

Is High Functioning Anxiety A Genetic Or Learned Behavior?

The question that anyone struggling with anxiety has likely asked themself at least once — is anxiety disorder genetic or learned? It makes sense to wonder this once you understand that identifying the source of your anxiety is a helpful and healthy way to deal with it. If you struggle with high functioning anxiety (HFA), you’re probably wondering if it’s something you picked up from your burnt out relatives, or something you learned over time. 

The easy answer — it’s kind of both. The hard bit is trying to figure out where your anxiety is coming from, because your anxiety won’t be the same as someone else’s. We all have our own family and life experiences that influence our anxiety and how we cope with it.

Knowing where your HFA originates will help you understand more about your emotions and possible triggers that could be causing your anxiety. If you aren’t sure what next step to take, consider working with an anxiety coach like me. With help from an anxiety coach you can identify the source of your anxiety and finally figure out if your anxiety is hereditary or learned.

What Is High Functioning Anxiety?

You may have a general understanding of how anxiety works and what people with generalized anxiety disorder may be experiencing but HFA may be a new term that you’re not as familiar with — and high functioning anxiety is not the same as general anxiety. 

The truth is that high anxiety is not considered a separate diagnosis of general anxiety. The way people with HFA may experience symptoms is what makes the key difference. So while people with general anxiety may struggle with productivity, people with HFA are likely to struggle with burnout because their anxiety makes them overwork to overcompensate for their fear of being a failure.

One of the biggest indicators that you may have high functioning anxiety? You know what it’s like to seem cool, calm, and collected on the outside but are internally battling with the constant storm of self doubt, stress, and anxiety.

Is High Functioning Anxiety Genetic Or Learned?

I wish there was one straightforward answer for this question. What I’ve learned over the years of being an anxiety coach and helping other people figure out where their anxiety comes from, is that HFA can be both genetic and learned. 

Studies also show that you are more likely to develop HFA if it runs in your family, but don’t let that scare you. Just because something is genetic doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed to have it. The opposite is also true — you can still develop HFA and general anxiety if it doesn’t run in your family. How so?

Consider the experiences you’ve had throughout your life. Maybe something happened to you at an early age that triggered your initial anxious feelings that still torment you till this day. There’s also environmental factors that influence our anxiety like where we grew up or our religious upbringings. Consider other factors when you’re trying to figure out if your HFA is genetic or learned:

• Traumatic events that taught you to keep your head down

• Career goals that feel impossible to meet

• Growing up being overly praised for achieving

• Financial worries that pushed you to accomplish more and more

• Adopting the idea that productivity is most important

So your anxiety could be genetic, but it could also be something you learned over time through other factors you’ve experienced. Since you’re the only one that has lived your life, then you’re the only one going through what you’re going through and feeling what you’re feeling. Sifting through those emotions can be overwhelming but with the help of an anxiety coach, you don’t have to do it alone. 

Work Through Your Anxiety With An Anxiety Coach

Whether your high functioning anxiety is genetic or learned, working with an experienced anxiety coach can help you find the root of your HFA and create a plan to work through it that meets your needs.

I know how scary it can be when you want to help yourself but don’t know where to start. With my coaching services, I offer a one-on-one approach where we can really dig deep into finding out where your anxiety is coming from.
I also have a self-guided course aimed to help people that look like they have it all together on the outside, but are struggling with anxious thoughts and feelings on the inside. Are you ready to get a handle on your high functioning anxiety? Schedule a free consultation or check out my course today to get started.

Are You Dealing With Anxiety Induced Procrastination?

Do you find yourself procrastinating to do important things? You are amazing at getting stuff done normally and may be the most driven, organized, productive person you know. But then there’s a specific daunting task you need to do—so you just put it off. 

It’s not that you’re overwhelmed to accomplish basic tasks, in fact, you’re really great at keeping yourself accountable. But every once in a while, there are some things you put off to the point of it becoming a huge problem.  

Procrastinating can be a sign of high functioning anxiety disorder. When we start feeling anxious about something that we have to do, we tend to put it off. The more anxious you feel, the more you procrastinate. You might even tell yourself I do better at the last minute, or I thrive on a tight deadline--in reality that is you justifying procrastination.

Anxiety procrastination can affect anyone who is feeling high levels of anxiety, even if you don’t show it on the outside (or admit it to yourself). If you struggle with high functioning anxiety for a while, then you’ve probably dealt with procrastination disrupting your life and peace of mind before. 

Figuring out why you’re feeling anxious is the first step you need to take in order to overcome anxiety induced procrastination and stop the cycle of high functioning anxiety procrastination. Bottom line, if you don’t know why you’re anxious, then you won’t be able to fix it. 

Dealing with procrastination and high functioning anxiety is overwhelming and draining. As an anxiety coach, I’ve helped my clients figure out where their procrastination is really coming from to develop a game plan to work through those anxious feelings to stop procrastination in a way that works for them.

Where Is My Procrastination Really Coming From?

Procrastination, we’ve all dealt with it. All those times of staring blankly at your screen or saying “I’ll do it in five minutes”...30 minutes ago. 

But where does procrastination even come from and why does it affect us so much? Anxiety is often the root cause.

For those of us with high functioning anxiety, procrastination can be even worse to the point we try to ignore important but difficult things entirely. If we put things off for so long then we drop the ball and let people down as a result. It starts a cycle of feeling bad about ourselves and beating ourselves up. 

The anxious thoughts swirling around in your head cause self doubt and can make even the simplest task too overbearing. Forcing ourselves to finally do the task often feels painful, even if it’s something relatively easy. We swear we won’t let it get that bad again—but sure enough we’re right back at the same spot ignoring difficult, uncomfortable things and starting the cycle over again.

If you’re often stuck in this cycle, figuring out the reasons why you suffer from procrastination on certain tasks usually requires figuring out your high functioning anxiety. Either way, high functioning anxiety doesn’t come from nowhere and in order to help get those thoughts out of your head that stop you from completing tasks, you need to figure out where those thoughts come from. 

Anxiety Causing Procrastination

Procrastinating on a task because it makes you anxious or scared is a tell-tale sign of anxiety induced procrastination. The problem is most people with high functioning anxiety don’t always know they’re anxious. Not only do we tend to hide our anxiety from others, but we also tend to hide it from ourselves too.

Here are some other ways you can tell you have procrastination caused by high functioning anxiety:

1. Shifting the blame

Anxiety can turn into procrastination but it can also manifest feelings of anger or annoyance. We are annoyed at ourselves for procrastinating but we turn that annoyance on to others, blaming them for their actions or lack of actions. It’s easy to center your attention on someone else’s mistakes when you feel too overwhelmed to focus on your own. 

Blaming others despite your own inaction is an easy way to shift the blame and create a scapegoat so you can keep procrastinating. Try to recognize what’s really going on. Are you mad at that other person, or are you actually anxious about your own responsibilities?

2. Feeling anxious over easy tasks

You’re tasked with something that is either easily manageable or that you’ve done many times before, but you feel really anxious about doing it this time. It could be because the stakes are high or maybe you’re doubting your abilities. Either way, the anxiety you’re feeling causes you to procrastinate. 

Often those with high functioning anxiety will feel like they can’t do a good job or aren’t good enough to take care of an easy task because of internal thoughts. If you find yourself criticizing yourself a lot about easy tasks before you even start, you may be procrastinating because of HFA. Usually people find they may struggle with tasks in one area of their life in particular, like at home or at work, where in other areas of their lives they have no issues. 

3. Being a perfectionist

Perfectionism is another response someone may have when they feel anxious about doing something. Tasks that were easily manageable before become unattainable which could trigger procrastination in someone who struggles with HFA. 

Remind yourself that perfection is impossible. Striving for your best work is a great goal, but it is important to be realistic. If you’re putting off a task because you’re worried you can’t do it perfectly or as good as you or others expect of you, it’s usually a sign of anxiety related to perfectionism. 

Overcoming Procrastination and Anxiety

Do you find yourself procrastinating more and more? Maybe you’re someone who is struggling with high functioning anxiety and doesn’t even know it. You may look like you’re calm and collected on the outside but on the inside you’re not okay. 

As an anxiety coach, I work with you to sort through your emotions and suggest a game plan of how to deal with procrastination anxiety when it gets triggered. My coaching services provide the opportunity for me to work with you one on one so we can really dig deep and fix the problems you’re facing. 

I also offer a course designed to help people that deal with high levels of anxiety but may look like they have it together on the outside. Figuring out the voices in your head that lead to procrastination is one of the key takeaways my course is designed to help you do.

Are you ready to get a handle on your anxiety induced procrastination? Schedule a free consultation or check out my course to get started. 

Back to Basics

“Ok, so your first assignment is to floss your teeth.”

WHAT?!? I thought to myself. I want to work on eating healthier and control my emotional eating--I don’t want to floss my teeth?!?

I had just started working with a health coach, and this was her first assignment to me. She said that it starts with building a new relationship with your body, and one basic form of self-care that gets overlooked is flossing. I confess I didn’t start flossing and still have a hit-or-miss approach, but her lesson in it starts with the basics has been on my mind lately.

We are living in strange times (to say the least). Many of my clients report a level of exhaustion that borders on hopelessness, and I feel it too. If you are exhausted, overwhelmed, and tired of trying to figure it out today, I offer some quick suggestions. We are going back to basics.

I have suggested some of these to my clients and immediately met with I DON’T HAVE TIME. Oh, I feel you—that is always the response when we are in survival mode. When you are in go-go-go mode, the LAST thing you want to do is slow down. AND exhaustion and survival mode aren’t sustainable.

We have to go back to basics:

Being in the shower when you are in the shower. So often in the shower, we are already thinking about our day, problem-solving, running through the mental to-do list. Challenge yourself to hyper-focus on your senses while you wash your hair. Feel the water as it runs over your head, smell the shampoo, notice the feel of the shampoo in your hands and your scalp.

Do anything slower. Drive slower, eat slower, walk slower.

Take the time to listen to your favorite songs. Dance in the kitchen, sing along in the car, play a game with your kids. They pick a song, you pick a song, and share why you love it.

Stretch throughout the day. Every time you leave the bathroom, touch your toes.

Drink water, lots of it.

Prioritize sleep. Try to go to bed at the same time every night. Create a small ritual around sleep, turn the lights low, have a cup of tea, turn off your phone, and read or journal.

Floss :)

Set a few hours a week where you are not tied to any electronics. Give yourself time just to be.

Pick one of these ideas, just one, and add it to your daily routine. Prioritizing ourselves in small ways is the practice of self-loyalty. Be kind to yourself. You got this.

A Lesson In Receiving

Flipping through the list of activities, my husband said, “Let’s take a yoga class together.” We were on vacation with my parents, one of the last we would take with my Dad his Parkinson’s with Dementia was progressing, and he needed a lot of care.

“Sure,” I said hesitantly. Classes aren’t really my thing but doing something with my husband sounded fun, and I knew I needed to relax.

The only glitch was my Mom had scheduled massage appointments for her and my Dad at the same time. Mom’s message started a little before Dad’s and went a little longer. So we made the plan that my husband would help my Dad get ready for his massage before our yoga session, and when my Dad was done, the therapist would come to get us in the yoga room. It was a great plan on paper. But as they say, ‘the best-laid plans...’

The good news was, my husband and I were the only two people in the class. We settled in and started our practice getting individualized help from the instructor. But it turned out the timing wasn’t as fabulous as we thought. The massage therapist popped into the room about 15 minutes into our yoga session to tell us Dad’s massage was over. So mid-downward-dog, my husband ducked out of the room to help my Dad. I continued the yoga class solo, embracing the gift of time and peace that my husband was giving me. Soon my Dad and my husband joined us in the yoga room. My husband whispered, “I couldn’t find your Mom, so I brought him in here to hang. I hope that is ok?” “Sure,” I said as my husband jumped back in and tried to catch up to our yoga practice.

We quickly realized that this plan wasn’t going to work. Dad couldn’t understand that he needed to be quiet and just watch us. He interrupted, asked questions, and kept moving around. It was a comedy of errors. My husband kept trying to run interference, and then finally he said, “Enjoy yourself, I got this,” as he ushered Dad out of the room.

As I laid there in child’s pose, I struggled with the time my husband had given me. “He is my dad, my responsibility; I shouldn’t be enjoying myself while my husband shoulders the burden,” I thought to myself. But then, as I stretched up to the sky, I thought, “No, he is giving you this time. Take it.” So I did. I stretched and breathed and gathered insights from the yoga instructor. I trusted that my husband was taking care of Dad and ok with everything. I had a fantastic time.

As my husband and I walked back to our room, I thanked him for that time. And he gave me a big smile and said, “Thank you for taking it. I wanted you to enjoy the class, and I am glad you did.” I will never forget his expression and the joy he felt for being able to help me. He was happy to give me that gift and was grateful that I was willing to receive it.

We are living through exceptionally anxious times. COVID, politics, climate change, mask debates. I have caught myself pushing down my anxiety, soldiering on, and repeating “I got this” to myself. I admit once I start this cycle, it is hard to stop without some serious intention. But last week, I remembered this story and the joy my husband had from giving, so I have tried to be more intentional about asking for help. I don’t always succeed but just have the intention there helps me remember I don’t have to do it alone. Pushing down my anxiety makes me and those around me miserable.

When we can allow others to give to us, life opens up a little bit.

I Am Not Broken and Neither Are You

HEAL your anxiety forever! 

STOP your anxious thoughts.

As I read the marketing email from a breathwork coach, my first reaction was self-doubt (why can’t I stop my anxiety?!), and my second reaction was anger. Pure anger.

I see it all the time people promising they can heal anxiety. And it makes me angry. I mean, it really pisses me off.

Maybe it is the writer in me who strongly believes in the power of words. Or maybe it is the high integrity value I have and my dad constantly saying to me growing up, “You are only as good as your word.” But this pisses me off because anxiety IS something you can quiet, treat or learn to live with, but it is NOT something you can heal forever. And this myth is dangerous.

It makes me angry as someone who lives with anxiety because I spent much of my life chasing this idea. If I was a better person, I could heal my anxiety. If I could meditate or do yoga or breathwork, I could stop my anxiety. Maybe if I journaled more or if I found a better therapist? THEN I would be fixed. I was constantly looking for the treatment that would fix me because all these professionals told me they had fixed themselves.  

The problem isn’t the methodologies. The problem is they aren’t permanent fixes; they are treatments. All of these treatments do the same thing—they help you get into your body so you can acknowledge your feelings and get a better perspective, so your anxiety isn’t driving you—your Biggest Fan is. Yep, they are all ways to practice A.S.K. And A.S.K. works to quiet anxiety—it doesn’t permanently heal it. You have to WORK at it. You have to practice it. It isn’t magical.

And it makes me angry as a mental health professional that my colleagues perpetuate the myth that I am broken, and the fix is simple. And when the fix inevitably doesn’t work, I end up beating myself up more because not only am I broken because I have anxiety now, there must be something REALLY wrong with me because the solution that is fixing all these people isn’t fixing me.

It is similar to the weight loss industry promising to heal my sugar addiction. The way to heal my sugar addiction is ongoing and involves: avoiding sugar because eating sugar makes me crave more sugar, not eating my feelings, eating a variety of healthy foods. Those are strategies to eat less sugar, but I STILL have a sugar addiction. I STILL have to work daily not to lose myself in a bag of Oreos. The truth is, I will always love sugar. I am not healed from my love of sugar—AND I have strategies for not eating as much sugar that work IF I implement them.

The same is true with anxiety. We have to work it; we have to find the strategies that help us recognize when we are pushing ourselves too hard and when our Monger is running the show. And we have to find strategies that help us acknowledge our feelings, get into our bodies and kindly see a bigger picture. Maybe that is yoga, journaling, mindfulness, meditation, therapy, breathe work. It doesn’t matter WHAT the vehicle is; the goal is to remember you are not broken; you are just living with anxiety.   

Mental Health Is Health

I have been obsessed with the Simone Biles story this week. I have read dozens of articles, from harsh criticism to celebrating her courageous choice to withdrawal from her Olympics events. I am 24 years older than Simone and Naomi Osaki—2 decades—20 years—and yet they are teaching me. They are teaching me what it means to listen to yourself, be kind, and stand in the face of criticism, knowing that you are only left with yourself at the end of the day.

I think about when:

• I went to work with a cold, stuffed up, coughing, aching, and sat in my office miserable because I didn’t want to disappoint my boss.

• I stood in the bathroom flapping my hands, trying not to cry like Emma Thompson In Love Actually because I told myself I was silly and emotional.

• I told my husband I was fine even when we both knew I wasn’t because I was afraid he would judge me for being too needy.

• I told my boss yes, I could totally handle that project even though I knew that meant canceling plans because I didn’t want him to think I was a lazy employee.

All those examples have in common is the underlying belief that whatever I was thinking, feeling, or needing was wrong. I have been humbled to see Simone and Naomi disappointing people on the world stage because they needed something. That is mind-blowing.

These women in their 20s did something I have just started doing in my day-to-day life on the freaking world stage! They had a need, and they spoke it. They didn’t push through or push harder or ignore themselves. No, they spoke up for themselves.

Yes, Simone is courageous. Yes, she is brave. And it is easy to put her on a pedestal, write a blog about it and move on with life. But the true way to honor her is to normalize what she is doing so it isn't so pedestal worthy it is just how we are in the world. This week, I have been challenging myself to think about how can I show up for myself today? How can I be courageous today? How can I befriend myself instead of treating myself like a machine? To quiet my High Functioning Anxiety, I have to take a two-fold approach using all the practical tools I have, exercise, journaling, mindfulness, getting into my body, AND building a relationship with myself, being kind when I do it imperfectly. Practicing self-loyalty.

Mental Health Is Health.

Some Weeks Are Better Than Others

This week I ate too much sugar, didn't acknowledge my feelings, didn't work out, my anxiety was high, my Monger was loud, and my BFF was in full do-whatever-you-want mode. I was super sensitive and white-knuckled through much of the week. Even as I type this, my Monger is saying, "Why are you sharing this!?!? You are supposed to be HELPING people, not showing all the ways you did it wrong!!"  

Ugh, she is just so mean.

But the reason I am sharing my "I-did-all-the-unhelpful-things-week" is because even though I was doing all the unhelpful things, this time felt different:

In my twenties, I wouldn't have even noticed the behaviors as unusual. My BFF would have justified the behaviors as ok in response to the stress of the week. I would have unconsciously jumped back and forth between my Monge, beating me up, and my BFF, giving me a free pass.

In my thirties, I would have noticed the behaviors and spent most of the week beating myself up for not doing the things I know will help. I would have hammered myself for being lazy, incompetent, and stubborn and not eating healthier, exercising, and being so annoyingly emotional. "Get over yourself. It's not that bad," I would have said over and over again.

This past week, I noticed that behavior, and I knew the way around it, practice ASK:

Acknowledge what I am feeling,

Slow down and get into your body and

Kindly pull back to see the big picture,

AND I still didn't do it.

Every time my Biggest Fan stepped in and said, "Sweetpea, just practice ASK." I said, "Nope, I don't want to do that. I don't want to go there." And she said, "Ok, but the bare minimum, we aren't beating ourselves up about that." And when I mindlessly reached for the donuts and ate way too many, my Biggest Fan stepped in and said, "Well, that just happened. Maybe we can eat a salad for lunch to get some veggies in you?"

The difference between this week and in the past, my Biggest Fan, the voice of self-loyalty, had a consistent presence to remind me I am human and I will not get it perfect. This week was hard, and my behaviors weren't always supportive of my higher good, AND at a bare minimum, I am not going to shame myself for them.

We want to make change, to fix ourselves, to stop feeling anxious and white-knuckling. And change starts with two things—consistently building awareness of our reactions to the world and not shaming ourselves for our choices and behaviors.

The truth is, days, weeks, and even months like last week are going to happen. Life can be overwhelming, and sometimes doing all the healthy things, even when they serve me, feels too hard. But when I am kind to myself, when I have my own back and can practice self-loyalty, I return to those healthy behaviors faster. Not because I should, not because a good person would, or because it is the right thing to do, but because I feel better when I do them.

In the past, I would get caught up trying to do it right and when I didn't, my Monger would hammer and belittle me. Then to ease the pressure, my BFF would step in to encourage me to do whatever I want.

Now my Biggest Fan is there to remind me I am ok—it is ok—even when I don't choose the best, healthiest way.

The two key ways to start building that relationship with the Biggest Fan

• Consistently building awareness of our reactions to the world when we are stressed.

• And not shaming ourselves for our choices and behaviors

Be kind to yourself, you are human, you are doing your best, some weeks are better than others.

When Doing All-the-Things Is Just Too Much

I learned at an early age that being the responsible one, the one everyone can count on, can earn me a lot of praise—while helping me avoid my anxiety. So I at an early age, I adopted the mantra, “I Got This.” I say it to myself when I am overwhelmed as a reminder that I can handle it. 

The downside is, being the go-to responsible one also can cause a lot of anxiety. There is a fine line between “I got this” being motivational and being masochistic. When I take “I got this” to the extreme, I push myself too hard, I demand too much of myself, and I forget that I am not a machine. 

One way I have eased this mantra is to add a different mantra—lean in. When I hear myself saying, “it will be ok, You got this,” repeatedly, I remind myself to lean in. Lean into the hugs my husband gives me. Lean into the support of friends and family. Lean into the emotions, joy, sadness, fear. 

Being the independent soul that I am, I tend to pride myself on ‘going it alone,’ not needing anybody and handling all-the-things. But when I am going it alone all the time, life becomes very one-dimensional. I become robotic because everything is just about doing the next task in the most productive perfect way. And I lose all the flavor and color of life. 

Frequently when my husband hugs me, I will remind myself to ‘lean in,’ pause, and soak up the hug take the hug for all it’s worth. Or when I am having a stressful day, and my first inclination is to forge ahead, dig deeper and become a virtual stress machine, I will remind myself to ‘lean in’ either in asking for help or leaning into my need to take a break. When I lean in, life gets better, my relationships get stronger, my peace of mind is greater, and I am calmer. 

Leaning in is more than just asking for help. It is leaning into everything I am experiencing, the fear, doubts, insecurity, The fact that I might be tired and need to lean into taking a quick nap. Or lean into the areas of life that aren’t clicking the way I want them to and seeing what changes might need to be made. When I can stop running, turn around and lean into what I am trying to avoid, life gets easier. To be clear, leaning in is not an intuitive action, and it is definitely not my first response. It is something I have to remind myself to do. I have to make a practice of reminding myself to lean in.

When my husband and I aren’t clicking, maybe we are arguing, or maybe we are feeling distanced, and after we have gone to bed, I lie there feeling raw and exposed. My instinct is to shut down and close off, and then I hear my Biggest Fan quietly whispers, lean in—he loves you. It is a just disagreement. So I roll over and give him a hug, and I feel us both relax. I remind myself we are a team, I am safe, and everything is ok. Lean in, take a breath, feel the feelings, and then take action.

Most importantly, I have to be reminded to lean into the joys of our life. Last weekend, celebrating the Fourth of July with my family, my “I got this” mantra kicked in as it got closer to dinner time. I started going through the list of what needed to be done and could feel my anxiety rising. As I sat there, I told myself to lean in. No one cares if dinner is on time; just sit here and soak it up for 15 minutes. Lean into the moment: the laughter, the warmth, the conversations happening around me. I soaked it up. Too often, I miss those moments because I am too busy doing all-the-things.

I often visualize walking down the street on a windy day. The easiest way to maneuver is to lean into the wind. Standing straight and tall, being rigid and stoic will just make it that much more challenging to walk. And a bonus, if I can link arms with someone as I walk through the wind, it gets even easier. 

When we lean in, we naturally relax, and we can shift and move as needed. The wind is still there, but rather than fighting against it, we are moving with it.

Where in your life could you use a little ‘lean in’?

I Am Weak If I Own My Anxiety Myth

I have been following the news of Naomi Osaka’s withdrawal from the French Open due to her struggles with anxiety and depression. In her post about her withdrawal, she shared how the depression started when she won the US Open in 2018. I remember watching her the day after she beat Serena Williams on the Today show. The hosts Savannah and Hoda were gushing over Naomi, trying desperately to get her to match their over-the-top level of excitement and joy. Naomi was quiet, subdued, and appeared to be very overwhelmed. Savannah and Hoda commented on how shy she was, and you could see the question on Savannah and Hoda’s face—how can you not be over the moon—you just won a grand slam?!? But as I watched coffee in hand, my heart went out to Naomi, and I thought, wow, they just don’t get it. It wasn’t that simple; there were many emotions surrounding this win, the joy of winning, fear of being thrust into the spotlight, sadness of beating her idol and being booed in the process. There were a lot of complex emotions. Our culture just doesn’t have the patience for all those emotions, and frankly, neither do we as individuals.

When Naomi withdrew from the French Open there was no tantrum, no loud drama. She started by saying, I can’t participate in the press conference and was willing to pay the fine. She drew the boundary, she spoke her needs, and she practiced self-loyalty in a calm, measured, honest way. There was an outpouring of kindness and love, which made me smile. And right after it happened, I had hoped that we would start having some honest conversations about mental health. Then came the inevitable debate of she needs to suck it up and do her job; all jobs have bad parts of them, vs. we need to make some changes in the system and how the media does their job. But under all that was a more subtle message—she needs time to heal; once she takes time to heal, she will be fixed, and this won’t be a problem anymore. As if she broke an ankle, she could take a few weeks off, get some good therapy, and then re-enter the world a new person.

The I am Weak if I Own my Anxiety myth drives me crazy for 2 reasons 1. It keeps the idea alive that THOSE people have problems, and I can feel good about myself as long as I am not one of those people. 2. Anxiety/depression are things you get over. You heal from them if you are strong enough and diligent enough.

The truth is we ALL have struggles with our mental health. And we all need to prioritize our mental health—not just when it is convenient or when it is really bad but as a daily practice. And living with anxiety, even if it is High Functioning, is similar to any chronic condition, diabetes, arthritis, or heart disease. It is an ongoing part of your life—good days and bad days.

So for a few days, I railed against society, that we just don’t get it, and we have so far to go when it comes to mental health blah blah blah. And then I realized, wait a minute—I have internalized the I am Weak if I Own my Anxiety myth too---what if I started by railing against society AND continuing to unhook this myth in myself.

I am asking you to notice how the I am Weak if I Own my Anxiety myth plays out in your life. For me, I KNOW it isn’t true. I teach how it isn’t true, and yet it plays in my mind from time to time. It is baked into our society, our families our workplaces.

Mental health is something we as a culture and individuals play a lot of lip service to. Speak up, set boundaries, prioritize self-care. As if a few days of bubble baths and reading trashy novels can heal us. Living with anxiety takes way more than that.

• Allowing my tears and kindly reminding myself they are nothing to be ashamed of.

• Having compassion for a friend who shares she is struggling, reminding myself to pause and listen rather than immediately jumping in with help.

• Recognizing the signs of High Functioning Anxiety and not belittling myself.

• Reminding myself that that rest is necessary—the to-do list will always be there.

• Standing up and stretching when my first instinct is to keep pushing.

• When I wake up tired and grouchy, being kind to myself rather than telling myself to get it together.

Osaka exposed many things in her Instagram post. The predatory nature of some media outlets and the challenge of being a professional athlete. But most importantly, I feel she exposed the importance of ALWAYS prioritizing our mental health even when it is uncomfortable or unpopular. Self-loyalty means you have your own back even when no one else does, and that is freaking hard. Thank you, Osaka, for showing me the importance of self-loyalty.  

The Secret Shame Of High Functioning Anxiety

Last week I shared about my week of spinning and anxiety. I heard from several people (as always, I love hearing from you!).

I was struck by the number of people I interact with in my day-to-day life who were shocked to hear how anxious I had been, and they had no idea.

Because the anxiety was so real to me, I was surprised I hadn't shared it with them. It was a nice reminder of the kindness and love I have available in my friends and family. Most importantly, it was a reminder to me as to why I am so passionate about talking about and helping people with High Functioning Anxiety because we struggle with our anxiety alone.

High Functioning Anxiety is a 3-fold problem:

1. there is the anxiety

2. there are all the coping mechanisms we do to keep the anxiety at bay (hustling, pushing, over-achieving)

3. there is the secret shame that we live with because we don't want anyone to know we have anxiety.

This secret shame keeps us stuck in #1 and #2, and it is why I am committed to sharing my story of High Functioning Anxiety. Early on, I would have loved to have had more real-life stories of people struggling, coping, and living with their anxiety.

I didn't admit I had anxiety until I was in my mid-30s. Looking back, I can see how much a role anxiety played in my life:

• The constant self-doubt

• Overthinking and overanalyzing EVERYTHING

• Perfectionism

• All or nothing thinking

I believed I was a mess and everyone around me had it figured out but me. And so, I hustled and hustled—believing that I could out-perform my anxiety. There was so much shame and self-doubt. It was easy to keep it a secret; if I didn't share it with anyone, I could keep it from myself too, and so I hustled and pushed myself to exhaustion.

Even how I ran my business was all about hustling and overachieving.

As I have been copying and pasting blogs from my old website to my new website, I can see this pattern playing out. In my early blogs, I say all the right things: acknowledge your feelings, get into your body, incremental change, etc. I was writing about what I had read and studied. What other experts who said they had healed their anxiety were doing. When I practiced acknowledging my feelings, it did help at the moment, but it never healed me permanently like people said it would. The shame I felt around my anxiety was compounded by the idea that I must be doing it wrong because I still had my anxiety.

The messages of the outside world fed this even more—marketing experts and fellow coaches would say people want to see a solution, they don't want to hear about the struggle, they want to know it is fixable. So I kept preaching that it was possible to be fixed; meanwhile, this inauthenticity drove my anxiety even more. Now I WAS a fraud because I was teaching something I wasn't living and didn't honestly believe.

And then, I found the concept of self-loyalty. The idea that to start to heal my anxiety, I needed to be loyal to myself.

• Honor my experience,

• Stop looking outside for what I THOUGHT I should be doing,

• Stop pursuing happiness at all costs,

• Have my back.

It was revolutionary because it helped me realize, my anxiety will never be permanently healed. Now when I feel anxious I have my back, I don’t pile on with shame and ridicule and I implement the tools I wrote about years ago, feel your feelings, get into your body, incremental change, etc. The practice of self-loyalty also is why I am committed, to being honest about my journey with High Functioning Anxiety.

The hidden part of High Functioning Anxiety, the secret shame, is one of its most challenging factors. Last week after receiving all those emails from friends/family, I realized that I need to re-up my commitment to sharing my anxiety with those closest to me (which I admit is harder). But that is my challenge to you and me. One of the steps to healing our High Functioning Anxiety is removing the shame of it, taking off the "I can do it all" armor, and letting others in.

Questions for you to ponder in a journal or while taking a walk.

• Do you struggle with sharing your anxiety with other people?

• How had this helped or hurt your anxiety?

• Who are the people you feel safe opening up about your anxiety?

• What would you be willing to share about your experience with these people?