I SHOULD be Happy
I should be happy is one of the statements I hear most often in my work:
"I should be happy.
I have a good-paying job.”
I have decent benefits."
I just had a baby."
I have a great partner."
I live in my dream home."
When we say the phrase, "I SHOULD be happy," it usually means 1 of 2 things.
First Option:
You are convincing yourself that you SHOULD be happy based on someone else's definition of happiness. The fact that someone else told you this is the perfect job or benefits are key to all of life or what a dream home is supposed to look like. So you, to live up to someone else's standard of what happiness is, are convincing yourself that you are happy with that aspect of your life. In this option, when we say, "I should be happy," we are attempting to convince ourselves of something that isn't true for us. So it is important to do a sincere gut check when we hear that phrase and ask ourselves:
According to what standards should I be happy?
Am I living life by my standards and values or someone else's?
Are there changes I need to make to live more in line with what I intend for my life?
Second Option:
You are living in the messy; you are holding two very different truths, and it is uncomfortable.
You have a good-paying job, AND it isn't really what you want to do.
You have decent benefits, AND you are starting to wonder if it is worth the sacrifice for good benefits.
You just had a baby that you love and adore, AND it is hard being a new parent.
Your partner is fantastic, AND sometimes it is hard to live with another person.
You have your dream house, AND it has a lot of work to do.
One of the many mysteries of life that I am most struck by is the eternal blend of positive and negative. The idea that life will forever be messy, no matter how much we strive to have it tied up in a neat little bow, there will always be tragedy and joy intermixed together. Getting comfortable with these two ends of the continuum and bringing them closer together is a lifelong process.
When we say, "I should be happy," to convince ourselves to suck it up, forget the challenges and just look at the positive, we can run ourselves ragged. It is important to embrace the mess. Giving ourselves a break and perpetually balancing between giving thanks and recognizing that sometimes even if we WANT something with all our hearts, it is still challenging.
We can love and appreciate something or someone AND be challenged by them too. When we start 'shoulding' on ourselves to forgo the negative feelings, we will miss the negative feelings and the positive ones too. It may sound counterintuitive, but we get to the joy much faster by relaxing into the mess. Relax into the mess:
Do a full-body movement.
Talk to a friend.
Admit you are struggling.
Participate in activities you love.
By being honest with what is going on, you will be better able to fully engage your life and embrace the mess of it all.
So the next time you start saying "I should be happy," stop and ask yourself--what is going on here? Am I living by someone else's standards, and/or am I avoiding the messiness of life?