Dealing with Negative Self-Talk Part 2: Curiosity
In part 1, I started talking about the negative voice in our heads; I call it a Monger. I had so much to say I decided to make it a two-part series.
A Monger according to Merriam-Webster, is:
"something which attempts to stir up or spread something that is usually petty or discreditable."
In Part 1, we learned about the importance of building awareness and having curiosity around our Monger. Today we are going to talk about what to do once you hear the voice.
For years, people have said you need to fight your voice. She is causing you harm, so we need to declare war on our Monger. I disagree with this theory. I have always wondered why would we want to declare war on a part of us? The Monger is a part of us.
Regardless of how she got there, she is there, and she is doing her job, spreading half-truths and faulty logic. So rather than hating on her, what if we were curious about her?
What if every time you heard your Monger voice, you acknowledge her and had some curiosity about her? As a point of clarity, there is a HUGE difference between acknowledging her and believing her. Remember I said that she is spreading information that can be discreditable, but some of the information might be worth hearing—usually, the Monger's presentation style could use some work. By having curiosity, I am not saying engage in a battle of wills with her. The Monger tends to play dirty, is highly irrational, and extremely emotionally charged. So logical debates don't help.
By being curious, I mean, what is the Monger afraid of? What is she trying to protect you from?
Note: I know the example below might sound crazy and a little "woo woo," but I swear when I implement this behavior, it immediately relaxes my Monger and decreases her energy.
Here is a great example: You are coming home from work, you had a meeting earlier in the day that you were responsible for that went ok. Not great, but ok. In the course of the meeting, you were assigned a job that is a little out of your comfort zone, one you KNOW you are qualified to do but haven't done it before. As you are in the car, your Monger starts talking:
"You are going to lose your job. There is no way you can do this task. They are going to see you for the failure you are. They only gave it to you because they are desperate. You suck."
In the past, you would have driven home and gone right for the kitchen to pour yourself a glass of wine or eat a box of Oreos. But today, you welcome the voice and say,
"Hello, Monger, I hear what you are saying. What are you really afraid of? What are you protecting me from?"
And the Monger will go off again perhaps even more insistent with,
"I KNOW you, and I know you are weak and stupid, and soon everyone at your firm will see that too."
And so you take a deep breath and calmly reply,
"Hello, Monger, I hear what you are saying. What are you really afraid of? What are you protecting me from?"
The first time you do this, you might have to repeat it 4 or 5 times, and the Monger might get more and more jazzed up and viscous. Because underneath the Monger's viciousness is a huge pile of fear and pain. The Monger is afraid of failure, success, ridicule, embarrassment, getting too big, never getting big, and the list can go on and on.
Eventually, the Monger will reply:
"I am afraid you will fail, you might look like an idiot, and this new task might just be too much for you."
And then you can say:
"Yep, I am afraid of that too, and I got this. I have been working for this for a long time, and even though I am scared too, I know we will be alright—even if I do fail—but if I don't try, I won't ever succeed".
When we hate on our Monger, tell her to go away and/or punish her, we are just making her more scared. When we can invite her and relax her, she dissipates much quicker.
The reason the last statement is so powerful is that it:
Loving acknowledges the Monger.
Doesn't get into a debate with her on why she is wrong.
Tells her that you are moving forward, fear and all, and you will be ok (even if you fail)
Eventually, after having had this dialogue a few times, you will get to the point where it is unnecessary. You get the Monger themes and what she is afraid of. So when you hear your Monger talking incessantly, you can simply say:
"I know you are scared of _____, but I got this. Thanks for coming to tell me now step aside so I can do my work."
When we get stuck in fear mode or when we get stuck in the debate mode, we get stuck. The key is to move on despite the Monger and remind yourself you are ok.