Dealing with Negative Self-Talk Part 1: Building Awareness
We all have it, that voice in the back of your head that says, "you are a terrible mom," "you can't do that," "who do you think you are?" and on and on and on. It chimes at us throughout the day, creating doubt, anxiety, depression, insecurity, and overall stuckness.
Experts disagree on where this voice comes from. Theories range from your ego, your lizard brain, limiting beliefs, and even your parents limiting beliefs. You can call it your evil twin, gremlins, vampire, demons, or, as I like to say, your monger. Regardless of what you call it, it is chatty, and she is causing damage.
A monger, according to Merriam-Webster, is: "something which attempts to stir up or spread something that is usually petty or discreditable."
And pretty much that is what our monger does, trying to get us to believe something that isn't 100% true. She isn't EVIL. She isn't out to get us. She is just trying to make us believe something that isn't 100% true. We can give 1,000 reasons as to why she is doing this: to keep us safe, to protect us from danger because she internalized messages from our parents, teachers, relatives, or friends. The WHY she talks doesn't matter. The problem is what she is saying and how she says it.
Most of us aren't even aware of how much the monger is talking to us, to be honest. She can chat all day, every day, and many people are just unaware. They know they feel more anxious or stressed, but they are unaware that it is coming from an internal voice belittling, name-calling, and being plain nasty.
People aren't immune to the monger; they are just unaware.
Here are some scenarios in which the monger tends to get chatty:
Scenario 1: You are taking a risk trying a new task. It is stressful and challenging, and before you know it, you have quit mid-stream to grab a drink, take a nap, or eat a bag of cookies.
What really happened: The whole time you were working on the task, your monger was talking to you, telling you how much you sucked and how you will fail. You didn't necessarily hear the monger, but you got so discouraged, exhausted, and scared that you gave up and went to soothe yourself.
Scenario 2: On your drive home, listening to music, you are feeling pretty good. But by the time you turn the walk in your front door, you are pissed off and angry. You snap at your kids and pick on your partner the rest of the night.
What really happened: The monger was talking to you the whole time you were driving, telling you how worthless you are and what a failure your day was. Again, you didn't consciously hear the monger, but she created anxiety and insecurity, which you then went home and took out on your kids.
As a rule, your monger tends to get chatty when you are alone and not distracted and when you are trying something new. But it can chat all day, every day if it wants to.
The key is for you to pay attention to:
What does your monger's voice sound like? Mean, scared, evil, belittling, passive-aggressive
When does your monger get chatty?
What is your reaction when your monger is chatty? Eating, drinking, shopping, watching TV, taking a nap, or working even harder--to name a few
Next, we will talk about the steps after you have built more awareness of your monger, Curiosity.
Remember, your monger is not to be feared or hated. It is a part of you, AND she doesn't have to run the show.