What Judging Others REALLY Means...
Judgment. It is something we all struggle with within our lives. It is a part of being human. It keeps us safe, it keeps us protected, and it keeps us small. The judgment allows us not to take risks, not stretch our boundaries, and not build connections. When we are in the mode of judging, we are tight, small, constrained. Think of yourself when you are in a conversation that involves judging--maybe it is how someone parents, how they have gained weight, or are wearing miss matching shoes. In that conversation, we are whispering, tense, and closed in. When we have a loving conversation about someone’s personality, natural gifts, or amazing talents, we are open, energized, and boisterous.
When we judge other people, it eventually comes back to bite us. Think about the last time you were on a plane. How many judgments did you have?
The guy next to you who took up too much of the seat,
The dad behind you who’s child screamed for half the flight,
The couple who were running late and dashed in at the last second,
The woman who overpacked and tried to stuff her luggage into the overhead bin (holding up the line of people boarding the plane).
You sitting there felt pretty smug and triumphant. With each judgment made, you got a little notch in your belt. You were on time, childless, under-packed, and super thin, at least that day.
The truth is, whatever we are most judgmental about in other people is what we are most judgmental about in ourselves. So the next time you are on the plane:
You might be running late (because your connection was late)
You overpacked because you bought one too many souvenirs and didn’t have time to check your bag
You have a child who is just not willing to take a nap.
You gained a few pounds, and you creep over on the seat next to yours.
Most likely, if any of these things happen to you, you will be judging yourself. You will be SUPER hard on yourself not just because you did something you aren’t proud of---but because you were judgmental of people in the past for doing the same thing, and therefore you ASSUME they are all judging you in the same way.
When we judge other people, we should immediately be thinking, “whoa, what is that saying about me?”. We tend to be the most judgmental of other people about things we are judgmental about ourselves. We tend to be judgmental about people running late--when WE have a problem running late. We tend to be judgmental about other people’s relationships when OUR relationship is suffering.
When we look at someone and say ‘they can’t do that, ‘they can’t go back to school, find a better job, be happy in their relationship, use that parenting technique.’ What we are really saying is, “I can’t do that.”
When we say. “that dress looks stupid,” what we are really saying is. “I wish I had the guts to wear a dress I wanted to.” We don’t go out of our comfort zone because we are afraid we will be judged, not by other people (although we may tell ourselves that) but by ourselves.
We are our own worst critics. For many of us, that judgment gets turned externally on to others.
As you move through your day, start paying attention to what you are most judgmental about or critical about in others and ask yourself, “What is that saying about me?” Have some curiosity about what is behind your judgments.