What If There is No Right Answer?

Lately, I have been struggling with the same phrase over and over in my brain.  You have to 'do it right.' This phrase shows up in so many areas of my life, doing it right in my career, doing it right in my marriage, doing it right with my friends, even doing it right when it comes to everyday life activities. As I began to recognize the pattern, the incidences and examples were endless.

One of the most prominent examples for me was on our vacation in September.

We were staying in a secluded B&B on San Juan Island in Washington state. It was a gorgeous sunny day, in the low 70s, and a blue sky that went on for miles. My nearest and dearest was taking a nap, and I was reading my book while lying in the hammock (Something I love to do). After about an hour, I was done, it was getting colder, and I wanted to check on my nearest and dearest and figure out dinner. But as I lay there, I thought:

"No, you can't get up. You are on vacation. You love lying in the hammock, and you never get to just chill outside on a hammock. You need to be enjoying this moment. You can't go inside. It's beautiful out here". 

As I started to pay attention to my stream of consciousness, I was amazed by the demands in my head!! I was on vacation, so if I wanted to sit on our couch in our room all day, I could. There was no right answer. (radical thought: if I wanted to sit on the couch in my room all day even if I wasn't on vacation is perfectly fine too.) And so I asked myself, "What if there is no right answer?" and for a minute, I was amazed, yes, actually paralyzed by that fact, what if there is no right answer???? What a freeing thought!!!

Since that trip, I have frequently caught myself looking for the 'right answer.' It is such a freeing moment when I realize there isn't a right way!! I have been using this with my clients too. Asking them what if there wasn't a 'right answer'? They have a similar reaction to me in the hammock--astonished and amazed, and then they get a slight grin on their faces—a knowing 'aha,' a sense of relief that there is no right answer.

Yes, someone somewhere probably would give us their right answer and make it sound like our right answer. Most likely, that is where the 'this is the right answer' voices come from...all the knowing voices we have internalized.

So I challenge you the next time you start coming up with excuses, "I can't do that...what would so-and-so think...you should do (fill in the blank). Smile, take a deep breath, and ask yourself, 'what if there is no right answer?' and then wait to see what comes up.

Dealing with a Demanding Boss

 For as long as I can remember, my dad has worked for himself. He has always been a hard worker both in his professional life and in his personal life. Whether working with clients or working in the yard, he has always pushed himself sometimes beyond his limits. He has a formidable work ethic. Frequently my mom will get frustrated with him working so hard and will jokingly say to him, "I hate your boss, he just never lets upon you, he is so demanding." It is a loving way to remind him that he is the one driving himself to exhaustion, he is the one pushing himself past the point of comfort, he is the one who is setting his schedule, his goal, and his long-term planning. It is also a great way to separate himself from his 'boss,' to give him some perspective.

To some extent, all of us have a 'tough boss' inside of us. Even if we don't work for ourselves, we still have the Monger voice that tells us we aren't good enough. That tells us to keep working harder, be more dependable, more responsible, more on 'top of things. Frequently that boss voice plays there under our subconscious over and over again.

I am constantly amazed that I could complete the same amount of tasks/stuff on two different days, and one day, my 'boss' would be ok with it, and one day, my 'boss' would be riding my ass that I didn't accomplish enough. The difference in the days depends on a lot of variables: how good I feel when I start the day, how much time I had in the day, my expectations for the day, etc. But the biggest variable I have found is how much faith I give to the "boss" in my head. The amount of time I let my boss just pick at me unchecked is frequently the key to whether or not I end the day happier or not.

So I have found a great way to combat my boss is first to notice her there. To notice that when I am extremely harsh on myself: 

• how I feel about my work (usually negative),

• how I carry my body (I tend to get a tightness in my neck/chest),

• the words that come out of my mouth (usually more discouraged and down),

• the thoughts that toss around in my head (pretty negative and self-sabotaging).

All of these variables show me that maybe my boss is a little too demanding. And then I will say something to my internal 'boss.' Letting my boss know that she is not in charge here that I have some say and that although I love her for keeping me on task, I need a little more support if I am going to be a success. MOST of the time, she settles down, and the 'push' decreases. Occasionally I need to address her multiple times in the day before she will settle. This awareness of my boss and acknowledging that she is just a part of me, not my whole being, helps me work with her instead of against her.

Happiness According to Mad Men

 The other night we watched Mad Men--(yes, I know I am a little late to this party, we finally got on board). For those of you who are late to the party, like me, Mad Men is a TV show about an advertising agency which takes place in the 50s. In the first episode of the first season, one of the ad execs gave a definition of happiness that made me sit up and scream "yes!!"

".....And do you know what happiness is? Happiness is the smell of a new car. It's freedom from fear. It's a billboard on the side of a road that screams with reassurance that whatever you're doing is OK. You are OK. "

So granted, this quote pertains to advertising, and the back story involves an ad campaign for Lucky Strike cigarettes. Still, I have been thinking and thinking about this quote tossing it around, seeing if it fits the general definition of happiness, and I believe it does.

When I think of the times that I have been the happiest, my wedding day, being on vacation, or working with a client. During those times, I was feeling confident, secure, positive. I was getting confident, secure, positive feedback around me. I knew what I was doing was OK. I knew I was where I needed to be, making choices I needed to make and feeling the support of my gut and the people around me.

Similarly, I think about days when I am feeling happy vs. days I am not and the simple tasks that might make me happy one day the next day I resent. Walking my dog, Mocha, is a great example. Frequently there are times that I walk her, and I just feel giddy. She is excited and joyful, the day is beautiful, we are out of the house getting fresh air, and I am fully present and happy. Then there are days like yesterday when I head out to walk the dog because I haven't done so in 3 days. I am bitter and feeling bad that I haven't walked her, we are running late, and my to-do list is a mile long. So I spend the walk feeling insecure, unconfident, and ineffective, Not present, not joyful. 

I see it frequently with clients who leave my office all excited that they have figured out what comes next in their career, their gut is telling them it is a good idea, the research they have done is telling them it is a good idea, and their support system is telling them it is a good idea. They are OK, they are happy. Then they leave my office, head out into the world to network, job search, apply to grad school, and they get rejected, disappointed, or hurt, and they aren't feeling reassured anymore they aren't OK. They aren't happy. But it isn't because they have picked the wrong career or that their heart can't sing. It is the ebbs and flows of happiness.

Happiness comes and goes. There are days when I am happier, more confident, more self-assured than others. There are days when all pistons are firing, conversations with clients are dead-on, writing is fluid, and I adore my job. Then there are days when I can't come up with an idea to save my life, client meetings are stilted and cloudy, and I question my value as a career counselor.

We will have days when we aren't clicking when the world outside and inside makes us question our choices. The trick comes in recognizing those days are all part of the journey. Happiness will come, we will feel OK again. The power in change keeps moving, keeping carrying on even when we have an off day, even when we aren't 'feeling it.' Knowing that it is a temporary glitch in our long-term plan. When we can recognize that the self-doubt and feeling 'not OK' are all part of the process of life, we can slow down and let those days pass without taking them on as 'the truth.' Then when the happy days come we can celebrate them with gusto!!

Advice from my Dad: Why Pay Twice?

My dad is full of different pieces of advice, short sentences packed with wisdom. One of these wisdom phrases that we say a lot in my house is, "Why pay twice?". Let's say you go to the movies, and you pay $25 for tickets and snacks. Halfway through the movie, you are miserable; the movie is terrible: loud, weak plot, no characters, just plain bad. Most people say, "I paid, for this, I am going to sit here and get my money's worth." But my dad would say, "Why pay twice? Why pay the $25 and then pay the fee of your time and energy to watch a bad movie. Get up and leave".

The spirit of this advice can apply to many aspects of our lives. Often we think we have to stick with something merely because we have 'paid' whether financially or with our time and energy. Let's say you are in a job you hate. You go every day thinking how much you hate it, and you justify that by saying, "Well, I have already put in 5, 10, 15 years I can't quit now!!" Again, why pay twice? Yes, you have paid your dues, and it hasn't worked out yet, so why keep paying?

An example I see in my work is people who have paid to go to school, and for whatever reason, they picked a degree that didn't fit them. Here they are 2-4 years later, and they can't find a job they want. Or they have found a job, and they are miserable. Many of them know what they want to do next, and, unfortunately, it requires some more schooling. And they will say to me, "I can't-do that. I already paid for one degree, so I have to use the degree I paid for." True, they did pay for one degree. But like the bad movie analogy above, if it wasn't the right degree, it isn't going to be satisfying or get them what they want in the end. So why pay twice? Why pay for the first degree and then pay for your misery the rest of your life because you made a human mistake and selected the wrong degree?

Frequently, in life, we make mistakes, we chose incorrectly, we chose something that we thought should fit or something someone told us would fit, and we end up unhappy, miserable, and 'paying' for the mistake. The point is mistakes happen; we chose wrong, why keeping suffering because we picked wrong?!?! Why pay twice? Figure out a way to make a change, do it differently. Just because you chose wrong, to begin with, doesn't mean you have to keep suffering. Life is meant to be enjoyed. Let's get creative and figure out a way to make a different plan. As my dad would say, there is no need to pay twice.

A Strong Person Knows How to be Vulnerable

 Last week I received an e-mail forward. I admit I usually don't read them, but this one entitled A Strong Person intrigued me. The first line said A Strong Person knows how to keep their life in order. Even with tears in their eyes, they manage to say, "I'm OK" with a smile. 

As I read that line, I immediately cringed. I continually struggle with my internal war over the definition of a strong person.

"put on your brave face and stay strong."

"a strong person doesn't let them see you sweat.

"a strong person puts on a front and pretends all is well when in reality they are crumbling.

Well, I call BS on that statement. This idea of being strong has caused many of us to live lives of quiet desperation. To "suck it up" rather than ask the question, "How can I do it differently?" To put all our energy into "looking OK," we never have the chance to experience emotions and grow from them. In my mind, a strong person:

• admits it's hard.

• allows themselves to have a good long cry, screaming match, or hissy fit.

• expresses the necessary emotions and allows themselves to feel the vulnerability and lack of control.

• admits everything is not OK and asks for help when necessary.

• shows their emotions and picks up the pieces, and moves on. A strong person does both.

Because when we don't experience the emotions, don't express the pain in the presence of another person, and have a witness to our lives and our experience, we can't grow from it; we can't spiral up. 

When we suck it up, say "I'm OK with a smile," then we aren't being genuine. Sometimes life is hard, and sometimes we are dealt a series of blows. Sometimes we are exhausted, tired, frustrated, and just plain sad. In those times, we need to admit our struggles and exhaustion. Lean on those close to us for support. Strength comes from vulnerability, not from bravery.

The times in my life when the most changes have occurred are those times when I have been on my knees, crying in exhaustion, weak and vulnerable, and I have said I need to find a different way. Tired and weary from "being strong," I have allowed myself to admit my weakness, and then I have sought to make a change.

Living Happier means experiencing the yin and yang of life, being 'strong' and being 'vulnerable' both in their own time. When we are too much of any one thing, we miss out on the richness of life. When we get stuck in our fear, we aren't serving ourselves any more than when we are stuck in our strength--but we need to experience BOTH to move through life in a healthier, happier way.

Letting Go of the Need to Justify

Now and then, someone will say something that just stops you in your tracks. Many years ago, a mentor of mine said to me, "You don't need to justify, prove or defend the decisions in your life. Your decisions are your decisions. People don't have to approve of them to make them better or worse." It was a revolutionary statement for me. I was practically paralyzed in my life because every decision I made had to be rational and logical. From time to time, I have to remind myself that I don't need to justify, prove or defend why I choose to do something. Fortunately, I have people in my world, like my nearest and dearest, who can lovingly remind me when this old habit comes into play, and I try always to make the "right" decision--when in reality, it doesn't matter.

As I work with clients on decreasing their anxiety, inevitably, this topic comes up. We get in the habit of explaining our lives, explaining our emotions, justifying our decisions, and making them 'ok' to the outside world. When we live our lives in justification mode, it is challenging to make decisions that go against the grain of what others might think is best for us.

A few years ago, I had a client who wanted to leave her job--the same one she had been working at for the past 20 years--and her brothers and sisters kept telling her she was crazy. Her spouse was supportive and gave her a lot of room to explore, and even offered to support her if she needed to go back to school. But she was stuck; she kept going back to her family and trying to justify her decision. Finally, one day, I wrote on a piece of paper, in big lettering, "IT IS YOUR LIFE YOU DO NOT NEED TO JUSTIFY, PROVE OR DEFEND YOUR DECISIONS." She looked at me amazed, and a wave of relief washed over her. I suggested that each time she felt tempted to explain to someone, she could read this sign.

Her homework was to pay attention to how much time she spent in justification mode on a day-to-day basis. At her next appointment, she immediately started talking about how much time she spent explaining her decisions. She started by just reviewing at the end of the day, all the times she could remember that she justified decisions. Gradually as she became more aware of the habit, she started noticing it at the moment. She made a mark on a piece of paper every time she was explaining her thought process. She was amazed at how frequently she felt compelled to justify her life. From the kids' bedtime to what to have for dinner, almost every decision required some logical basis, a defense that wasn't necessary.

She realized that she was, in essence, 'on guard' for all of her thoughts by being in justification mode all the time. She was so exhausted from proving all the small choices in her life; it was impossible to mount a defense for the major life choices. In her case, growing up, her family put a lot of pressure on her to be 'right' to be justified. Regardless of the reason, when we get stuck in the habit of justifying, proving, and defending our decisions, it becomes more and more challenging to make decisions because it takes so much effort to mount a defense. Many of the things that make us happiest in life aren't logical or rational. If we all lived purely logical, rational lives--we would be pretty dull. Some of the most exciting things in life are because we followed our gut. The happiest people I know live from that place of following their gut, going with the flow, and not justifying, proving, or defending every life decision.

Room to be Human

The other morning my nearest and dearest and I were chatting for my dog, Mocha. You know, how you give your dog a voice and have a full-on conversation with them, putting in what you assume they would be thinking. After we both cracked ourselves up with our witty conversation tactic, we started talking about dogs and children and how we are so much more likely to give them a break using the excuse--well, he can't do that he's just a dog, or she wouldn't understand that she's just a child. But with adults, we don't cut each other that slack. We assume we all can read each other's minds, get every emotion dead on, and just generally be perfect. We don't give each other the depth and freedom to just be human.

You might argue that dogs and children DON'T know better. Let's face it, they are simpler beings. I would agree--they are less in touch than we are as adults. However, being an adult doesn't mean you are suddenly blessed with the ability to know all, to understand precisely what your partner or friends need at precisely the right time. Being an adult doesn't mean even if we understand the need that we can fulfill it for someone all the time.

The difference between being an adult and being a child/animal is the innocence factor. In general, adults have more power to hurt us, break our trust, or take advantage of us. While animals and children fill us with unconditional love and innocence, adults have learned the pain and vulnerability that comes from being hurt or damaged. With adults, there is a 'fear factor.' We struggle with giving other adults a break because they should know better but because they have the potential to hurt us more. We believe children and animals are innocent and loving unconditionally. We don't feel they will hurt us or intentionally take advantage of us. But with adults, we feel we might get taken advantage of. We can't fully trust their intentions because they might hurt us. Therefore, we don't give them a break. We don't give them the breadth to be themselves, to be human.

Frequently when we don't give someone a break or allow them to mess up, it is because of our fear of hurt. I admit while I might scold Mocha for doing something wrong, I don't hold a grudge. I don't punish her all day or next week (honestly, I have trouble punishing her for a minute). But with an adult, I might be more likely to 'punish' the 'negative behavior.' Because I am afraid, afraid that I will get hurt, look stupid, be a pushover, be taken advantage of, etc.

So the next time you are disappointed in someone or frustrated by someone, take a closer look to see where that frustration comes from. Are you punishing them unnecessarily? Are you holding a grudge to protect yourself from the vulnerability or risk of intimacy? Could you spin the story to be maybe they didn't know better, maybe they are doing the best they can, maybe I can give them room to be human?

The Power of the Should

Should. It is such a powerful word. The statement 'don't should all over yourself' is pervasive in the self-help/therapy community. Yet these shoulds come out all the time. I should clean the house. I should be playing with my daughter. I shouldn't watch TV. I shouldn't eat this pizza. I should be a better listener. I should be more social. I should be less social. I should work out more and on and on and on. Ad infinitum, these shoulds invade our psyche.

The problem with shoulds is that they disguise themselves as helpful when they are merely forcing us to do something outside of ourselves. They force us to be externally controlled. Usually, the voice of the should is from someone we know from our past, a parent, a teacher, a personal trainer, or a therapist. The voice of a should rarely is our own. Also, these shoulds tend to snowball. From one should, "I should work out." comes a giant slalom of hammering that ends up with me being the world's unhealthiest woman, who is homebound and miserable.

So the secret is to break down the should. The first step is to start bringing awareness to how much you say the word should. For me, it tends to break into my psyche more when I am feeling tired, insecure, and disconnected from myself. In short, the shoulds come out to play when I am running on auto-pilot. When I catch myself acting out a should, I notice I am half-hearted, not as engaged in the activity because I am doing it out of external control. When I engage in a should activity, I usually end up feeling resentful and bitter. So if we can catch ourselves in a should before it starts snowballing, we can start to develop other ideas for how to handle the should.

For example, you are busy with a deadline at work, and you realize it is your night to make dinner. You tell yourself you SHOULD go home and make a healthy dinner, but really, you want to pick up pizza and call it a night. Maybe it would be the 3rd night in a row that your family has eaten take-out. They really SHOULD have a healthy meal. Your mom cooked you a healthy meal every night of the week. You are such a bad mom, and now we are off to the races, hammer, hammer, hammer. All from one little should, one little meal that you are too tired to cook and suddenly you are the world's worst human being. First off, be aware you are shoulding--you know what you should do, but what do you want to do, you want to order pizza, but your kids deserve a healthy meal. So you start thinking of compromises.

You can: 

• get a pizza and make a healthy vegetable to go with it.

• pick up take-out that is healthier than a pizza.

• leave work early and cook a good dinner because, in reality, it would be nice to cook a meal for a change and you have a new recipe.

• just order the pizza and recognize that tomorrow is another day, and maybe your kids didn't get the healthiest meal today, but tomorrow you will pack them a healthy lunch.

In my mind, there are three negatives to SHOULDs:

1. They put us in black and white thinking and remove any alternatives.

2. They force us to be controlled by something outside of ourselves.

3. They snowball and can become evil tools for us to hammer ourselves.

So, the next time you catch yourself 'shoulding':

1. Remind yourself that it is coming from something external.

2. Give yourself some options around the should.

3. Ground yourself and decide which option makes the most sense for your current circumstances.

4. Let it go. (I admit this one is the hardest part.) But the more you practice it, the happier you will be.

Giving Yourself the Pause

This weekend, I heard one of my favorite speakers, Tara Brach. She wrote the book entitled Radical Acceptance, one of my favorite books of all time.

Something you hear me talk a lot about is awareness. We need to be aware of our feelings, thoughts, needs, values, what we like or don't like, how we want to spend our time, etc. Without awareness, there can be no growth, no change. I also believe that from our awareness, there needs to come curiosity--a desire to dig deeper about ourselves and figure out what's happening beneath our feelings and needs. However, the step I forget about, especially personally, and the one I think is most needed is the step between awareness and curiosity. This step involves allowing what is happening now. Having a pause between awareness and curiosity and giving ourselves space to allow the emotion, thought, or need. To sit in non-judgment of it, to just allow it to be. It doesn't mean you have to like it or feel comfortable, but that thought, emotion, need a chance to come up and be acknowledged.

It was a refreshing reminder for me of the power of that pause, that space to allow myself to feel and be whatever it is I am aware of. In Tara's book and presentation, she tells an impactful story about a psychologist who had Alzheimer's. He had come to a conference with his wife to present on his latest study. As he stood before the audience, he couldn't remember what he had come there to say. The psychologist stood there utterly perplexed as to why he was in front of the audience and what his speech was about. Can you imagine the terror, the sheer panic that must have been running through his veins? But rather than panic, he started naming everything he was aware of,

"I am afraid." He bowed his head, 

"People are staring." He bowed his head, 

"My heart is racing." He bowed his head. 

He did this over and over, and when he finished the speech, people came up to him and said how they had never seen someone teach them awareness/presence and meditation like that before. He was able to be present to the flood of emotions, thoughts, and needs he was experiencing.

As a therapist, I admit I am constantly looking for meaning, analyzing and figuring out WHY I am feeling a certain way or what is going on underneath. Sometimes the power just comes in the allowing, surrendering to what we are aware of and doesn't need to go any deeper than that. When I practice this surrender, it is like a vast exhale occurs, an opening up of my heart and body.

 I can give myself a break and just allow myself to be present in love and kindness.

So today, pay attention to the awareness you have and then bless them. Whether through a silent or verbal 'yes' or physically bowing or touching your heart (my personal favorite). Allow yourself to be present to whatever comes up, then, if necessary, to dig a little deeper and have some curiosity.

Coming Home

Home. What is home? I have asked myself that question a lot over the last few days. I just returned 'home' from my conference in DC. I love my home, the greenhouse with blue trim and the big porch out front. I love the energy of my home filled with my animals, Mocha and Pooh. I love the 'stuff' and that it all has meaning and energy for me. I love how I feel in my house, safe, grounded, calm. But home is more than a nice house with four walls. Home is actually a feeling; it is an energy. In reality, I can feel at 'home' in a hotel room or sitting in front of the Lincoln Memorial, surrounded by people. At the same time, I can feel totally out of whack in my house. I can feel anxious or stressed out.

I can remember in my early twenties. I only felt that sense of peace when I was at my house. I would rush through my day so that I could achieve the escape of my physical house. I remember saying to myself, 'I want to feel at home wherever I go.' That is the goal, isn't it? To feel at peace, grounded, and connected wherever we are. Because, in reality, that sense of home comes from within.

Our house is where we can let down our guard (hopefully) where we can be ourselves and just be. The goal is to take that sense of ourselves, that grounded courage, out into the world. So whenever we get knocked down or beat up, we can come back to 'home,' come back to that feeling of safety and security that we have in our houses.

Yesterday, I was coming home from DC. I was tired and depleted. I just wanted to get HOME. On the plane, I had a challenging interaction with the guy in front of me about the overhead bins. I had cracked a joke, and he didn't think it was funny or misunderstood and gave me a snippy response back. I SO wanted to explain that I was only joking, but we were on a crowded airplane, and there was no time. Because I felt tired and overwhelmed, I almost started to cry (my go-to response when my bucket is empty). But I gathered myself, put my hands over my heart, and said, "You are tired, Sweetie, you are ok. You just need to get home." I took a few deep breaths, and I felt better. I brought myself 'home' even though I was on the plane and feeling misunderstood (something I hate--I am an uber-clarifier).

In my early twenties, when home was only my house, I never had that feeling of grounded, that feeling of I can do this, that feeling of self-love. I had the pleasure of hearing Tara Brach speak yesterday. She said that the primary suffering in the world is a sense of homesickness of being separated from ourselves, our home. We get this homesickness by separating from ourselves, beating ourselves up. We can only be home when we are at peace with ourselves and grounded in our bodies. Yesterday I could bring myself back home by holding my heart and giving myself a break.

The key is paying attention to where we feel at home. Is it your physical house? A certain room? At the beach? In the mountains? Where do you get that feeling of security and warmth? How does that sense of calm feel for you? When you go into the world and get knocked off balance, you get overwhelmed and depleted; remind yourself of your home base. Close your eyes and remind yourself how it feels to go to your home to be safe, secure, and at peace. Remind yourself home is inside, and we can all go back home no matter where we are.

What are you Gaining from People Pleasing?

Somewhere we learned that our needs aren't as important as other people's. We learned that our role is to predict, mind-read, and generally guess what the other person needs or might need so that we can fill it for them.

Here is an example of a friend of mine. Liz (not her real name) attended her annual family vacation last month. She spent so much of her time making sure that her brother and sister were happy that she didn't even know if she had a good time. Liz spent the whole week of vacation trying to figure out the perfect restaurant for everyone, the perfect beach spot, the perfect dinnertime conversation! She made sure she kept her brother and brother-in-law (sister's husband) separate the whole time and made sure her mother didn't get on her sister's nerves. In short, Liz felt responsible for everyone else's happiness. I asked Liz, "What would happen if you stopped engaging in the behavior?" and she said, "I have no idea, but I can only imagine how stressful it would be." She had played this role for years, and they counted on her. They needed her in that role.

The first step in changing your people-pleasing ways is to recognize that you engage in this behavior. The second step is to recognize that you are getting something out of it!!! Yep, that is a hard one to swallow, my friend. But it is true. Because Liz people pleases, she feels more important, they "need me to take care of them," they "need me to pick the perfect restaurant" if "I don't take care of them, they will be miserable." The truth is they might be angry, lost, or frustrated if Liz didn't step up and take over, but they would eventually figure it out. If they had to, Liz's family would figure out how to get along. As a people pleaser, we tend to get in this rut of believing we are irreplaceable, believing that our overt need to over give and wear ourselves out is helping everyone. In reality, we are hurting ourselves AND those around us.

Once Liz recognizes she is a people pleaser, she has to ask herself: What am I getting out of this pattern? The two main things I have seen in myself and my clients that we gain are:

1. A sense of importance, a sense of security/identity in her role, and the kudos from her family about what she contributes.

2. When she pours all her energy into her family/friends, she doesn't have time to look at her life, to look at her own wants/needs.

Looking inward is too hard and challenging for some of us because we are afraid we might not like what we see. By focusing on everyone else, Liz is too exhausted to look at her own life and figure out her desires. People-pleasing allows her to never really go for her dreams because she just doesn't have time. Changing the habit of people-pleasing is hard because we usually are gaining a lot from this role. Once we realize what we are gaining and that it just isn't worth the price, we can start changing the behavior.

The problem with people-pleasing we get so caught up in being hyper-aware of everyone else and making sure everyone else is having fun and getting their needs met--we forget our own. It is an unfulfilling way to live. Logically we can't read people's minds; we can't make everyone happy. We can only make ourselves happy and be kind and caring to those around us. We have to trust that if we stop people-pleasing and look inside, there is a beautiful, magical world. We have to trust that those around us will figure out how to make themselves happy. We have to trust that when we all just take care of ourselves, stop mind-reading, stop playing the victim and be kind to one another, we will live happier.

Embrace your Vulnerability

 I have been thinking a lot about the term vulnerability lately. It is such a two-edged sword. On one edge is the idea of being open, being a risk-taker, being passionate, and exposed to life. "Sucking the marrow out of life," as they say in one of my all-time favorite movies Dead Poets Society. However, in reality, being vulnerable has the potential to cause pain. Thus the double-edged sword. Inherent in the act of vulnerability is a risk to love, dream, inspire, aspire, and be happier. All of those things require us to be open and vulnerable to potential pain and suffering.

Vulnerability by its very nature means potentially being wrong; it means opening oneself up to pain and sorrow. Vulnerability means potentially failing, picking the "wrong" love, aspiring for the "wrong" goal, putting one's hope and dreams on the line. It means letting someone see me as weak—that I haven't planned ahead—that I am not in control. Vulnerability is total exposure. It is all defenses down, no safety net, no harness. 

However, I believe vulnerability has gotten a bad wrap. Vulnerability, in my opinion, is truly living. It is juicy and risky and, in some ways, downright relaxing. It allows us to drop the pretense of control or perfection (which we never really have anyway) and just live, allowing people to see us for who we are and be open to their love and vulnerability. Vulnerability is being human and trusting that it will all work out how it should:

•  even if decisions cause pain and challenges, 

• even if I mess up big time and end up in a puddle on the floor, 

• even when someone sees me fully exposed, naked, bare souled crying, and miserable. 

Vulnerability allows them to pick me up and dust myself off and share a part of my soul. Vulnerability is not a weakness; from vulnerability comes great strength. What greater gift than that to give to someone and myself the gift of me being me--no pretense or hiding, just me? AH! That is the challenge: to live life open and vulnerable, not scared, sad, and insecure. Open to what life brings you, open to the people in your life and the relationships that if you would just let in might be the best thing that ever happened to you.

We are not taught to live with vulnerability. We are taught to play it safe, be responsible, protect ourselves. But I will push back and say some of the best experiences of my life have been when I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, both in my career and in my personal life. I am not saying all of those experiences were joyful, happy ones, but they were rich and juicy, and I wouldn't change them for the world. 

The actual quote from, The Dead Poet's Society is:

"Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone. There is a time for daring, and there is a time for caution. A wise man understands which is called for." 

That is the challenge of vulnerability, trusting yourself to know when to be open and when to be cautious.

What Keeps You from Celebrating Your Joy?

 This week has been an excellent week. In all honesty, it has been one of the best weeks I have had in a while. I had some positive things happen, some of it is the fruit of a lot of work, and some of it is luck or the universe or something like that. Plus, in 3 days, I leave with my nearest and dearest to sunny Costa Rica for seven days! Considering we have 2 feet of snow on the ground and are now in our 3rd week of temps under 32, this is a blessed event! So, in summary: an excellent week.

You would think I have been leaping from the ceiling, dancing a jig, smiling from ear to ear all week. But no, I have been spending much of the week vacillating between holding myself back from celebrating and reminding myself how important it is to celebrate. I realized that I am struggling to celebrate the joy of the week. As much as I hate to admit it, I also realized I am almost more comfortable when things aren't going so well when I have something to strive for or work towards when I struggle. How crazy is that?!!?

So I started throwing the question out to friends/acquaintances this week how do you celebrate your joy? What do you do when things are going well? This question has led to some interesting discussions and exposed some fascinating beliefs about celebrating happiness. I realized I am not alone in my struggle to celebrate my joy. If my life mission is to help people live happier, then we need to have the ability to recognize and celebrate when we are, in fact, happy!!!!

Below are the significant beliefs people have around celebrating when things go well.

Our Happiness Days are Limited Belief: If we celebrate that things are going well, they will immediately stop going well. It is as if the universe is watching us, and if he/she knows that we are happy, he/she will immediately take it away. Or another popular theory, we only have a finite number of days we can genuinely be happy, so you don't want to waste those days on minor celebrations.

Our Happiness Might Make Others Feel Bad Belief: The second most popular belief revolves around humility. If we celebrate our happiness and joy, we make others feel like crap, and that just isn't nice. If our life is going exceptionally well, we need not celebrate it because we will make other people feel less good about their lives.

You'll Eventually Get Smacked Down Again Belief:  And finally: you shouldn't celebrate happiness because life always brings you back to reality. Eventually, something terrible will happen (e.g., I will return to the cold and snow after my vacation), so you might as well just keep yourself on the even flat road of life rather than ride the roller coasters of ups and downs.

As I talked with people about these beliefs and even as I write them now, I am amazed at their craziness--seriously, a limited number of days? But I admit, crazy or not. I have internalized these beliefs too. So I am going to debunk them as best I can.

Our Happiness Days are Limited Belief: The universe is not out to get us. This belief's foundation comes from the idea that we are allowed a certain number of days to be happy, that genuine growth comes from suffering. While I believe we learn from suffering, we also learn from joy. We learn from happiness and celebration! The universe has better things to do than keep us in check on our joy levels. I believe the universe would be better off if there were more joyful celebrations out there.

Our Happiness Might Make Others Feel Bad Belief: This belief is a solid one for me. I struggle with celebrating too much because it might make others feel bad. But in reality, my happiness and their happiness are not linked at all. When someone close to me is having a really good day or gets to do something fun, I don't feel bad. In fact, I feel happier because they are happier. If I get jealous or envious, that is about me and my need to take a trip to live a dream, not because they are too happy. I am not responsible for someone else's happiness.

You'll Eventually Get Smacked Down Again Belief: As I always say, living happier is about experiencing a wide range of emotions. It is about feeling the joy and the celebration and about experiencing grief and sadness. Life is a roller coaster, which means it is an exhilarating, exhausting, scary, fun, thrilling, nauseating ride. It is a ride. So yes, I might be experiencing pain in the upcoming months, so why does it follow that I shouldn't experience joy. In reality, preventing myself from feeling joy doesn't make the pain any less painful. It just means I didn't get the thrill of experiencing my joy.

There is No Such Thing as Get Fixed Quick.

Lately, many of my clients have been coming into my office after reading a self-help book of some kind. Sometimes these books have inspired my clients to change and seek help; sometimes, they have left them beaten down and disheartened because they can't seem to implement the steps that the book spells out.

In my opinion, one of the problems with self-help books is they tend to break it down into ten steps to change your life. When in reality, implementing one of those ten steps could take years. The problem with many pop psychology books and principles is that they make us believe in the get fixed quick principles.

Actual change takes awareness, persistence, desire, and time. It isn't something that happens overnight when you can just 'bam' start being more loving or caring or open.

The first goal of living happier is to embrace who you are and remember that you are a valuable, lovable, worthy period. You don't need to change to become a better person. Once you have fully embraced that you are lovable, the second goal is to then look at your life and see what is getting in your way of living happier.

Then pick one thing that you want to change. Maybe you desire to be less self-critical. First, you have to start catching yourself when you are self-critical. Because being self-critical has become something you do without thinking, you might just do an inventory at the end of the day so you can start bringing your self-critical tendencies into the light. Gradually, you start noting them down right after they happen; then, you start noticing what triggers your self-criticalness. Maybe it is your job or your lack of close relationships, or maybe you are tired all the time, or maybe it is just a habit.

Once you have built awareness around your self-critical tendencies, you can figure out:

• how often they occur,

• when they occur,

• why they occur.

Then you can start changing them. You can start catching yourself in the moment and replacing self-criticism with a loving thought about yourself or the situation. During this time, you may have days where you fall back into the pattern and beat yourself up all day, and you might have days where you are super loving to yourself. All part of the process. That is how change starts to happen. Then repeat that process daily over and over until, eventually, your self-critical tendencies become less.

It isn't an easy get fixed, quick concept--it isn't just like we can change our thoughts and feel better. We are human beings who are complex and messy. So give yourself a break. The goal of living happier is to just slowly, gradually implement principles that allow us to live a little happier than we were a month ago or a year ago. It is about paying attention to our lives, noticing how we feel, what we love about ourselves, what we might want to change, and giving ourselves the space to do that.

The Power of Our Thoughts

 I am constantly amazed at the power of our minds in shaping our emotions. However, I think the idea of just think happy, and it will be so, is oversimplified. We need to feel things, feel grief or anger, or betrayal. Putting on a happy face and ignoring any feelings of pain or anxiety isn't going to make us feel better in the long run. 

For today, I am talking about those days when we are just feeling in a funk or just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. On these days, I do believe we can change our moods by changing our thoughts. We can, as they say, make lemonade out of lemons.

Yesterday, I was at the gym, and my trainer (who I love to death and thank her daily for whipping me into shape) had me doing this awful, and I do mean awful push-up, turning, abs, pilatesesque exercise. One of those "it hurts so bad it better be good for me" exercises. We were at the end of my workout, and I was done, I mean D.O.N.E.

For this exercise, I had to do five reps on each side, three sets in total. During the first set, after each side, I would put down the weights and just complain to my trainer about how much I hated this exercise, how much it hurt, and how hard it was. During the second set, I gave up complaining out loud and just voiced it in my head. Just going to town with how much I hated this exercise and how bad I was at it. On the last set, I was sick of myself complaining and said to my trainer, "Ok, I am just going to do it. I love this exercise, I am strong, and this is making me even stronger", and she said, "Yes, you can do it" and started cheering me on. Throughout the third set, I just kept saying to myself, "you are strong and getting stronger." 

Amazingly the last set was not only my best set form-wise, but I whipped through it with much less pain and effort. Now you could argue that it was my last set, and that is why I felt better, which might have something to do with it, but I honestly think it was my attitude. I felt lighter on the 3rd set, I felt more confident, and the exercise felt easier. I realized that my thoughts were dragging me down, making the exercise 1000 times harder than it already was, and when I finished, I thought, wow, it is incredible the difference your thoughts can make.

When I feel grumpy for no reason when I start paying attention to my inner dialogue, it's not positive. It is full of judgments about myself or just plain old negativity. When I switch those negative thoughts to positive ones, I feel better, my posture changes, my walk is lighter, I add a smile to my face, I honestly feel happier. All that it required was changing my thoughts. Sometimes life truly does hand us a bad batch of lemons, and there is no hope of getting any lemonade, and we do need to experience that pain and disappointment. We need to vent and feel sad. Sometimes life hands us what we perceive as sour lemons when if we look at them again, they are sprinkled with sugar, and we can make some wonderful lemonade by reframing the situation and changing our thoughts.

Healthy Relationships and a Game of Catch

One of the ideas of relationships I particularly like is the analogy of throwing the ball. Ideally, a relationship is a two-way street where both people are giving and receiving 100%. Both parties are engaged and wanting to participate in the relationship. Think of a relationship as a game of catch. In a healthy, dynamic relationship, the game of catch goes back and forth, becoming playful at times and dutiful at times, but each time Person A throws the ball and Person B catches it (or at least picks it up) and throws it back. When Person A throws the ball in an unhealthy relationship, Person B just lets it fall to the ground, so person A runs over and picks it up and eventually throws it back. Person B might throw it back every third time, and so while it isn't an even game of catch, it is enough of a game that Person A continues to throw the ball in the hopes that maybe this time Person B will play along. This unhealthy dynamic continues, and the game of catch isn't even--sometimes Person A is the only one playing, and sometimes Person B is the only one playing. If you ever played catch alone, it is lonely, frustrating, and exhausting.

The goal is to have your relationship be an engaging game of catch as much as possible. Recognizing that there might be times when our partners can't play with us because of health reasons or stress reasons but knowing in a healthy relationship those times are limited. The key is having both parties engaged, so even if Person A throws the ball and because of poor health or stress, Person B can only throw it a quarter of the way back, both parties are still engaged and trying.

When both partners are catching and throwing the ball equally, the relationship dynamic becomes playful and energized. When only one person is throwing the ball, the relationship dynamic becomes demoralizing, lonely, and draining.  

Think about your significant relationships: are you the one always throwing the ball? Does your partner try to catch the ball and return it to you? Are you trying to catch the ball when your partner throws it? 

It’s Not About You

Frequently when someone spews negative energy at you, it is about them, not about you. It is very challenging not to take in what other people tell us, their negativity, their pain. I had that lesson taught to me multiple times yesterday.

My first lesson came early yesterday morning as I was walking my dog, Mocha. As we were walking, a woman was walking her dog across the street from us. I admit I wasn't paying attention, and as her dog began to bark at Mocha, Mocha lurched across the street, wanting to play with the other dog. Because I wasn't paying attention, I didn't pull Mocha back fast enough, and she headed out into the street. The woman began yelling at me, saying that I needed to control my dog (never mind that her dog started it with the barking, and Mocha is about as gentle as a down comforter, she merely wanted to play). As we walked away from the 'altercation,' I immediately started beating myself up, "I should have been paying attention. I should have tighter control of Mocha, blah, blah blah." Then I thought, ok, this woman is having a bad day. Yes, maybe I should have been paying attention, but her reaction did not fit the situation. So after a little mental chatting with myself, I moved on and enjoyed my walk with Mocha.

Then again, yesterday afternoon, I was chatting with a friend, and she was giving me advice about another relationship in my life. Her advice was unsolicited and also hit a strong nerve. She hit one of my hot buttons (that she didn't know about). That advice triggered a slew of negative messages that had been put there years ago through multiple experiences, people, and situations. I began to spin and spin on this advice which was more about her view of relationships (advice usually is more about the other person, which is why it is rarely helpful).

Fortunately, I called another friend who lovingly pointed out I was taking on the advice and allowing it to infiltrate my self-esteem, allowing it to trigger my negative thoughts and beliefs. With the help of this friend, I eventually was able to unhook the negative beliefs and had a wonderful evening.

We constantly receive messages that could cause us to spin, and that spinning becomes an almost comfortable habit. I admit pulling out the hammer and clubbing myself is a habit. It is my go-to response. I need awareness when I am activating that old habit. That awareness comes with the intention to change it, the action of reaching out to get help, and then perseverance to resist the old habit of going negative.

A few years ago, if advice from a friend had triggered a negative spin-off, I would have used that as a reason to hammer myself for the rest of the night, dragging out all my old negative stories and beliefs. I would have then drowned my sorrows in a bag of chocolate and bad TV. Fortunately, as I spiral up, I can unhook those beliefs

Not all Running is Good for You

Over the past few days, I have been in a bit of a mood. I have been overly anxious and a bit cranky; many of my 'go-to' things weren't working. The activities that usually 'fill up my bucket' weren't helping me improve my mood. Then I realized I was in run mode. What is run mode?

Run mode is when you have something big in your life that you aren't facing. Maybe it is a significant stressor or sadness. Maybe it is a conflict or a fear. It can be something relatively small, but your mind convinces you that it is HUGE and you need to run. You run from thing to thing, from activity to activity, looking for something to fill the hole to fill the anxiety created by this stressor. Some signs of run mode for me are: nothing satisfies me, a tendency to be anxious and critical (of self and others), and a fear of being alone, so I book myself up with activities. I run from myself. 

Sometimes if you are good at it (like I am), you can put your stressor energy onto something completely unrelated like your relationship, children, friends. You might start a fight with a partner because you know it is 'safe .' You can put all your stress energy into that fight. The KEY is to face the fear, anger, conflict, sadness, not to run from it. The first key is to notice that you are in run mode at all. For example, yesterday, as I was driving home and realized I had an entire evening of no plans, I went into a cold sweat. Because I usually look forward to an evening of no plans, I immediately knew that something was wrong, and I realized, 'hey, I am in run mode.' At first, you might not catch yourself in run mode until days later, or it will be one day later, and then it will be in the moment. The goal is to catch yourself before you do too much collateral damage. Once you catch yourself in run mode, then the goal is to figure out what is stressing you, what is the source: a conflict, anger, sadness.

First, it is helpful to get quiet with yourself, journal, take a walk, or talk to a friend. In essence, the goal is to do the opposite of what you really want to do: stop running and face yourself. But the beauty is once you stop running and face the issue, it becomes much less powerful. Once you express the emotions you have been running from (e.g., cry, scream, yell, etc.), you will wonder why you have spent all that time running. This is a powerful and challenging process. As I said, I have been working on this issue for years--spiraling up. It is one of those that we need to stay aware of. Much of the everyday anxiety we feel is because we are in run mode--we are trying to avoid something that might be negative, so we create anxiety around other things to keep the stress/conflict at bay. It might feel counter-intuitive, but we Live Happier when we can face our emotions and not default to run mode. What are your run mode symptoms? What tends to be your trigger for run mode (conflict, anger, sadness)?

It's the Holiday Season: Expectations of Perfection

Yesterday, as I was decorating the front of my house with lights and pine garland (a new tradition), I thought about the holiday season. It is a time filled with traditions, events, gatherings, etc. In other words, it is a time that is loaded with expectations of perfection. It is a time when the bar is set high: when the cookies have to be perfect, the parties have to be merry, and the gifts have to be meaningful. Over the past few years, I have become more cynical about my holidays. I use to be a big holiday girl. I was little Ms. Christmas. I knew all the traditions and made sure my family completed each one to perfection. Then that got old, it is exhausting to constantly be trying to hit the expectation, trying to make each year better than the last: more merry, more joyful, more special. So I admit I became a tiny bit of Ms. Scrooge. I still pretended I was a big Christmas fan, but inside I was tired, tired of the traditions, tired of the 'shoulds,' tired of running from party to party, tired of finding the perfect gift, just tired of forcing merry on to myself.

Then I had a brainstorm, what if I just enjoyed the holiday? What if I didn't worry about all the expectations and traditions? What if I just engaged in the activities/parties/events/people with whom I wanted to spend my holidays? What if I stopped running around and enjoyed the holiday? This slight shift has made a tremendous difference in my holiday world view. So this holiday season, I am challenging you to simplify, simplify, simplify. As the saying goes: Remember the reason for the season. Whether the holidays are religious or secular for you, I think we can all agree a reason for this season is to remind ourselves of the simplicity in peace and joy. It isn't about finding the perfect gift, wearing the perfect outfit, or throwing a perfect tradition-filled party. It is about celebrating a time when the world is a little more joyful, when lights are aglow, hot cocoa is savored, and family and friends gather. It is about being in the holiday and experiencing the many joys it has to offer.

This year I challenge you to let go of your expectations and your traditional perfection. View the holiday season with new eyes. Recognize you have choices in how you want to spend your holiday season: whether that be running from party to party or enjoying a hot toddy next to the tree. Simplify and enjoy. May this Holiday Season bring you a wonderful mixture of peace and joy.

Take Care of the Little One

In the self-help world, a lot is written about 'healing the inner child.' The basic theory being that we all have a little boy/girl inside of us who occasionally comes out even when we are adults. The self-help world has taken the theory and run with it in a negative light. Rather than being an interesting theory that we can use to grow and change, it has become a method to explain away negative behavior and turned into a hokey self-help concept. (ok, now stepping down from my soapbox)

I am a fan of the basic concept of the inner child. My Little One comes out from time to time; she gets scared and insecure and even throws temper tantrums. Frequently, this Little One comes out to 'play' when we are triggered by something, a scary event, a family gathering, death, or something that takes us back to our early years. When I notice that I am overly insecure or scared about an event, I will put my hands over my heart and say to my Little One, "You know what? I got this. You don't need to worry about it. I am an adult, and I can handle this one." Immediately it feels as if I have taken a giant sigh of relief. It is a good exercise because :

A. It brings awareness around the fear

B. it reminds me that hey, I am an adult here, and I CAN handle this situation

C. it quiets the inner insecurities.

Last year, I worked with a client I will call Jill, who was going through a divorce. After 20 years of marriage, her husband decided he was done and had found someone else. Jill was left with three children and no idea who she was or what came next. Jill and I did a lot of work helping her figure out what she needed and who she was. As Jill was going through all these changes and making a lot of decisions she never had to make before, her Little One would come out frequently. Jill started paying attention to her Little One, noticing when she would come out (usually after a conversation with her ex or when she had to take charge of a situation). Gradually she started gently talking to her Little One, and as Jill developed her confidence in her decisions and skills, her Little One became less and less powerful. Jill said to me, "I think I have been living most of my life letting Little Jill make the decisions from a place of an 8-year-old rather than Adult Jill." I agreed with her, and I think many of us let our Little Ones (our insecurities, fears, or anger) control our lives.

The next time you start feeling scared or insecure, do a check-in with yourself--has your Little One come out to play? Are you viewing the world from the eyes of a six-year-old? And if the answer is yes, place your hands on your heart and gradually start talking to your Little One and assuring them all is well. You got this. You are a grown-up. Our Little Ones are there for a reason to help us see that life is scary, and we do have insecurities. And it is our role as adults to comfort the Little One and then move through the fear so we can Live Happier.