Detoxing from the Habit of Worry
The number one complaint of people in my life, friends, acquaintances, and clients, is anxiety. Anxiety has become the new catch-phrase for feelings of fear, insecurity, worry, and pain. The root of this anxiety stems from feeling unworthy, insignificant, or unlovable, and from that internal pain comes anxiety. Worrying about what to wear, what we will look like giving the presentation, how our kids are doing, how we will get everything done.
Worry, Worry, Worry. That is the theme of life these days. We regularly engage in the process of hammering ourselves into submission. We are never quite productive enough, quite successful enough, quite healthy enough, or just quite enough, period. We are constantly striving to be better--for what?!?!
I say 'we' in these descriptions because this 'worry' this low-level anxiety is something I struggled with for years. It was not debilitating or not panic attack-inducing (I have had a few panic attacks in my life, though), but it was limiting, painful, and low-level suffering. For YEARS, I always heard people with anxiety should meditate more or have a yoga practice. And for YEARS, I have tried to meditate more and have a regular yoga practice, and it has been spotty at best. For someone who is feeling anxiety levels, sitting on my couch even for 5-10 minutes is painful!! I haven't given up; I still try, but, for now, that is not a regular practice in my life. So what has worked?
Radical Awareness. Radical awareness around my thoughts, my feelings, and my needs.
Paying attention to my anxiety responses: eating when I am not hungry, watching mindless TV, surfing the internet. And noticing when I start engaging in those behaviors. I could be mid-work in the past, and I have mindlessly wandered to the kitchen, grabbed a bag of chocolate, and headed to the couch to watch some "Real Housewives." The whole time, convincing myself I deserved a break, I needed the timeout. Yep, sometimes I do need a time out. But MOST of the time, I needed to be paying attention to what triggered me to step away from the computer and step into numbing out. It was the fact that the act was so unintentional. The unawareness made me realize it was anxiety moving me, not my need for a break.
Taking mini-breaks to BREATHE. I can't meditate. But something that works for me is putting in place times when I 'check-in.' Three deep breaths have become my mantra. Three deep breaths when I sit down at my desk, three deep breaths before and after I meet with a client, three deep breaths when I hit a stoplight in the car. I take three deep belly breaths, and then I check in--how am I feeling, what is going on. Sometimes I am surprised by what comes up. Sometimes nothing comes up. No matter what comes up, I embrace it with radical love and kindness.
Paying attention to what I talk about. One of my favorite things is sharing my day with my husband. I found that frequently rather than 'sharing my day,' I would litany off all the things I was anxious about. I would list all the things I didn't get done; I did wrong, or what I needed to do next. And you know what that did? It made me MORE anxious.
And you know what else I realized that somewhere deep down, I enjoyed that feeling of anxiety--it was a buzz that would keep me protected from my feelings. I had convinced myself that feeling anxious, worrying about the to-do list, or being a better person was WAY better than dealing with the actual pain I was feeling—anxiety masks what is going on. Anxiety allows us to 'get high' on safe, numb aspects of our life and keeps us blissfully unaware of the real pain that is there. Gradually, I started sharing THAT; I started getting real and talking about real things, not just the to-do list but "the what" that was underneath. I caught myself mid-litany and ask 'is this helping, or am I just taking a hit? And I would immediately know the answer.
For many of us, worry becomes like a drug that keeps us from engaging with ourselves and, therefore, with the world. When I notice myself engaging in anxiety behaviors (amping myself up, numbing out, or hammering myself), I now get curious about what is going on. I breathe, and I pay attention. It works! I swear! Am I fully recovered? Ah no. Do I feel better? Hell yes! Detoxifying from worry is a slow process. The unraveling of a habit you have had for decades takes time.