Why Listening to the Monger is Easier
“It is so annoying that talking to myself negatively is just easier.” A client lamented.
I can remember so clearly the struggle of understanding the Monger’s voice was causing me pain and still not being able to let her go. Because not only did I believe I deserved her negativity, I also believed that without her guidance, I would not be able to function as a whole person in the world. And even now, after I KNOW that my Monger is not helpful, her voice can still be easier to listen to because she is more familiar. Our whole lives, we have listened to this negative voice, our Monger telling us what to do, how to do it, and when we have failed.
When I responded to my client that the Monger’s voice is just more comfortable, she quickly responded, “No way she makes me feel like crap!”
Yes, she does, but she is also familiar and consistent and has been running the show for most of your life. So, absolutely, she is more comfortable.
Think of an old warm cozy sweater that you find in the back of your closet. It has been worn in and fits just right. Our Monger is like that sweater. You slide into it and think, Ah, yes, now I am safe. This is comfortable and familiar. Then slowly, over time, you realize why this sweater was buried at the back of your closet: it’s itchy! Soon that comfortable, familiar feeling gets taken over with itching, scratching, and wanting to get the sweater off as quickly as possible. Our Monger’s message is like that sweater; every time she starts in with her negativity and advice, we don’t even notice her because it is comfortable, safe, and familiar. Then over time, we realize, Oh no, I feel worse, this is not comfortable at all, and we want to get the sweater off as quickly as possible—but because we have been listening to the Monger for so long, the sweater has become like a straight jacket. Unhooking the Monger isn’t as easy as taking off an itchy sweater.
Frequently that analogy becomes like shorthand for my clients, and they will say, oh, I am wearing the sweater again to bring awareness that their Monger is running the show.
This persistence of the Monger and our belief that we deserve here are reasons why it is hard to unhook her.
Because our Monger convinces us that the one thing we need the most—kindness and compassion—is the thing that will keep us unsuccessful and unhappy.
Quieting our Monger isn’t about just changing our thoughts; it is about slowly, over time, transitioning to trusting ourselves. Trusting that we don’t need to be shamed to accomplish our goals, in fact, we will accomplish more by being kind and loyal to ourselves. It is the complete opposite message we have been taught for much of our lives! It is a radical idea to be more kind to yourself, and you will have less anxiety and shame.
This brings me back to my client saying listening to her Monger’s voice was easier. It is easier. And the key is being kind about that too. Being kind that sometimes you put on the old sweater and have to wear it awhile before you realize it is just itchy and just like the Monger you can stop wearing it.
Want to know more about quieting the Monger check out my book The Happier Approach: How to be Kind to Yourself, Feel Happier, and Still Accomplish Your Goals.