Spinning Out

I am in the process of re-doing my website. As a part of the process, I am editing my blogs—over 400 of them--and moving them from the old site to the new site. It sounds like that would take a long time, right? Well, maybe for some who isn’t me. I am a wiz at this stuff, and even though it might take a long time for some other poor schlep. I can finish this is in a weekend—at least that is what I told myself.

Last weekend I approached this task full of gusto. I would buckle down and devote the whole weekend to my website and check this task off my very long list. First thing Saturday morning, I camped out on the couch and started working. Like all good high achievers, I took minimal breaks, and by Saturday night, eyes bleary, back and neck killing me, I had moved 20 blogs. Yep, you read that right. I moved TWENTY! At this rate, the process was going to take me WEEKS. To say the least, I was disappointed. Devastated would be more like it. My superhuman expectations for myself had met reality, and I didn’t quite know what to do with that.

So that was last Saturday—guess how many blogs I have moved over since then? None. Ok, well, maybe 5, but I have not made much progress on this project. What did I do instead?

Well, I spent most of this past week spinning. Spinning is what I do when a project is too big, and I don’t know how to tackle it, or I don’t have the patience to tackle it. So I spin. It is procrastinating with an added layer of beating myself up. It is 100% illogical and irrational, and unhelpful. My BFF (the voice of self-sabotage) steps in and encourages me to pout, and my Monger beats me up about it. And the fight is on! Back and forth they go.

 I spent my time cleaning my office, zooming with colleagues, organizing my next project, baking brownies complete with homemade icing, and basically found anything to do except work on my website. And playing there all week long, just below the surface, was the message of how I wasn’t doing the THING I needed to be doing, and I was a loser, and because I wasn’t doing this website, I was going to be homeless and alone forever. (Honestly, it always amazes me how dark my Monger can go.)

I am endlessly amazed at how sneaky High Functioning Anxiety is. It can show up in a variety of ways. 

Here are a few ways it showed up for me this week:

• Spinning

• Procrastinating

• Thinking I am superhuman and can do it better

• Lots of SHOULDS

• All of nothing thinking (hard time seeing the baby steps)

• Being touchy/grouchy

• Beating myself up WAY more than necessary

• Eating LOTS of sugar because I deserve it.

There is no solution here. I will start by accepting that this process will take me longer than I want it to and catching my spinning tendency as quickly as possible. So even though it pisses me off, I am not superhuman; tomorrow, I will be back at my desk editing my blogs and moving them from one site to another. I will call in the Biggest Fan and try to make it as fun and easy as possible, one post at a time. 

The Rigged Game Of the Monger

A few years ago, before I wrote the Happier Approach before I developed A.S.K. I was driving to work. It was a particularly stressful time in my life, and I was feeling exceptionally anxious.

As I often do, in an attempt to calm myself, I want to get to the Why? Why am I so stressed? So I asked myself, "What is going on? Why are you so stressed!?" But rather than it being a loving curiosity, a kind check-in with myself. My Monger took over, and the question became, "EXPLAIN YOURSELF, SOLDIER!!" WHY ARE YOU SO STRESSED?"

So like a good soldier, I began to litany off the items that were stressing me. I have played this rigged game with my Monger thousands of times (and it is still a go-to behavior when my stress is high), and my Monger's response was as it always is "That's all you have?!, You only listed a few things." This is usually how this game goes—my Monger asks me to justify my stress, and I list off my stresses with an ere of indifference as if I was reciting a grocery list. It is a silly game because it doesn't matter what I list off. If I list ten things or 100 things or if 5 of those things are major life stressors. I always lose the game to the Monger because her message always is: I SHOULD be able to handle it, SOMEONE SOMEWHERE has it worse than me, and I am a wimp who can't handle any stress.

But this time was different. Sitting at the light wrapped in the safety of my car, I thought to myself, will I ever have enough reasons to justify this anxiety? I am stressed. Isn't that what matters? This was the first time I allowed my feelings. I allowed myself to cry, to feel sad, overwhelmed, and scared.

And I felt better. As I pulled into my office parking lot, I remember thinking I had turned a corner with this whole anxiety thing and was on to something.

Acknowledging your feelings works, I know, from practicing hundreds of times. It works. When I pull out the feelings sheet, when I label my feelings, I feel better. PLUS, it has been proven in research.

Fast forward to this past week. For a variety of reasons, my anxiety has been high. Last night as I was cooking dinner, I thought to myself: Why are you so stressed? Again, I went with the old habit of listing off all the things I was stressed with, the emotional equivalent of reciting a grocery list. And then there was the Monger's voice, "You are fine. You are so privileged. Think of all the people out there who are hurting, and you are barely holding it together because of a few stressors—give me a break". I had been playing this game most of the week. My anxiety is high—my Monger belittles me—I try to justify it by naming all my stressors—she belittles me more. And round and round we go. This game is so familiar. I have been playing it for so long it is habitual. It is like putting on an old sweater.

I want to say that I recognized the game and BAMMO. I practiced A.S.K. (A. Acknowledge my Feelings S. Slow Down and Get into Your Body K. Kindly Pull Back and See the Big Picture), and all was well.

But that isn't what happened—my Monger won last night just as she had all week.

And then this morning, walking the dog in the cool crisp spring air smelling the flowers, and watching Watterson have the joy only a dog can feel early in the morning. I thought to myself—you suck. You are a mess. And then I thought to myself, what would I say to myself if I was loyal, and a quiet voice whispered, "It is ok to be a mess, Sweet pea. It is hard right now. You are doing just fine." And my whole body relaxed. I got tears in my eyes. And for the first time in a week, I took off the Monger sweater.

This time—I didn't say to myself, Oh, you have turned a corner. I recognize that as much as I want to put this anxiety stuff behind me as much as I wish I could say, yes, the minute I notice my anxiety, I practice A.S.K, and all is well. That isn't the case. My Monger still wins for way longer than I want her to. I still play her silly games of justifying my stress, and I wear her sweater, which repels any messages of self-loyalty for days and weeks at a time.

The good news? I do have the antidote. I know when I can find my Biggest Fan; when I can sneak in a bit of self-loyalty, the Monger sweater becomes more and more uncomfortable and eventually becomes unbearable. It isn't instantaneous. It isn't magical. It takes WAY longer than I want it to.

My High Functioning Anxiety wants to find a hack, a system, a guaranteed 5 step plan. A plan that I will want to do and will only take a few minutes, and BAMMO I will be fixed. And it just isn't realistic. For now, dog walks, slowing down, acknowledging my feelings, talking to friends, being kind to myself, and having my own back helps.

Afraid of the Fall

A few years ago, while visiting one of our closest friends in the Outerbanks, we decided to go paddleboarding. This was my first time paddleboarding, and leading up to the event, I was nervous. My Monger had some objective evidence about my lack of athletic abilities, so she was chatty. In true High Functioning Anxiety style, I didn’t share my anxiety or doubts with anyone. I spent most of the morning in my head jumping back and forth between dreading the event because I was going to be so bad at it and beating myself up for being so rigged and unable to go with the flow.

It was a beautiful sunny day, and we arrived at the rental place early and ready to go. Because of the water temperature, we had to rent wetsuits. I stood in the dark, dingy backroom, designated the dressing room because of the shower curtain hanging from the wall, attempting to squeeze my body into the wetsuit (which is like squeezing toothpaste back into the tube). My Monger was going crazy. Here was proof that I couldn’t do this activity; my body was too big to squeeze into the wetsuit. My lovely husband assured me everyone struggles with wetsuits no matter their size, which was kind but no match for my Monger.

We arrive on the Sound, board in the water, and myself successfully paddling out, on my knees. I was comfortable on my knees and enjoying myself. But my High Functioning Anxiety was not ok with just being on my knees—I had to be standing! I wasn’t good enough to just be on my knees. I need to get the full experience. I managed with much trepidation to make it to standing. We all celebrated. I DID IT! YAY! I was up, and I was paddling, and I hadn’t fallen in.

And then, my feet started to hurt, and I was very nervous about making a move back down onto my knees.

This is where High Functioning Anxiety is so tricky. On the positive side, pushing beyond my anxiety got me out on the Sound. It pushed me through the wetsuit, it pushed me through the getting on the paddleboard, it pushed me through moving from my knees to my feet—all appearing to be positives. But the downside is it got me there through shame, through beating myself up. I was white-knuckling my way across the Sound. This is where HFA did me wrong. Because rather than being fully present with my husband and friend on a beautiful day, I was in my head. I was viewing the whole experience as a challenge, an event to white-knuckle through. Because I told myself I could never do it, when I had success and could paddleboard, rather than enjoying it, I start to get scared it won’t last. So here it is I was doing the thing I didn’t think I could do, and I was doing it well, but I was so focused on doing it perfectly I had lost perspective that this event was supposed to be fun.

It was a beautiful, warmish sunny day. The Sound was glorious and flat, and I was hanging with 2 of my favorite people. Yet, I couldn’t wait for it to be over.

I was frightened by every little wave, every wrong paddle. The longer we went, the more afraid I became.

Finally, my feet couldn’t handle it anymore. I decided to try to get back on my knees again. With my husband and friend cheering me on and after many tentative attempts, I was finally able to –splash! I fell in! Before I knew it, I was completely immersed in the freezing, take your breath away, filled with muck water.

As I climbed back on the board, I couldn’t stop laughing through gasps of air because the water was so cold I kept laughing. It was as if everything shifted. Suddenly the fear was gone; the worst had happened. I practiced getting up and down a few times, knees, standing, knees, standing, and then off we went. I had the best time. The worst was over–I had made a mistake, I had fallen, and I had survived!!

Afterward, my friend said to me, “it’s too bad you didn’t fall in right away, so you could have just gotten it over with and had more time to have fun.”

So true. But in reality, had I just jumped in or forced myself to fall in, it wouldn’t have felt the same. The reason it was so powerful, so mood-altering, was that I was TRYING, and THEN I fell. I didn’t just fall in–I was trying something new, I made a mistake, I fell in, I survived. Rather than just jumping into the water from the get-go, I wish I had taken more risks earlier, tested my balance, pushed my limits.

But more than anything, I wish I had been kind to myself. I wish I had been loyal to myself. I wish while standing in the dark, damp back room, stuffing myself into the wetsuit, I had said to myself, “It is ok to be scared. It is ok to be anxious. This is all unknown, and you are with people who love you. Perfection doesn’t make it fun; being present does.” Because if I would have been kind to myself, taking more risks earlier would have been easier.

I have countless stories like this one—where my HFA pushed me to try something new despite my anxiety. This is the challenge of HFA. It pushes us. It challenges us to push past our anxiety at the price of our self-loyalty, at the price of having fun. The moral of this story isn’t don’t push yourself. The moral is when you push yourself be kind about it. Have your own back—practice self-loyalty.

What If This Doesn't Have to Change After the Pandemic?

Shame is a HUGE part of High Functioning Anxiety. Practicing self-loyalty is a key to healing that shame and therefore quieting our High Functioning Anxiety. I love talking about self-loyalty because it is a process—I think of it like an onion. When you have spent your whole life being loyal to others, e.g., reading the room, trying to predict what other people need, and bending yourself like Gumby—shifting your perspective to honoring yourself can be complicated and nuanced.

One day this week, as I was cooking dinner, my husband came in from walking the dog and said, "I am going to head out and chat with the neighbors. Do you want to come?" I froze. When the weather is nice, our neighbors gather in the alley behind our houses to watch their kids play. I love our neighbors, and I feel so grateful for their friendship. And that night, I didn't want to go outside and be social.

Immediately my Monger started in:

"You SHOULD go outside; they will think you are anti-social. You NEVER go and play. You are so uptight. "

And then I thought I don't want to go outside, it is chilly, I am cooking dinner and I have had a relaxing day I don't want to go outside. I told my husband I didn't want to go and have fun and tell everyone I said hi. He grabbed a beer and headed out the door.

As I went back to dinner prep, I could hear my Monger: "You can't hide out in the house forever. They will think you are a bitch. Blah Blah Blah." I took a deep breath and followed my own guidance, and practiced A.S.K. I was able to call in my Biggest Fan, and I found the middle ground. "I am not an uptight anti-social loser; I just don't want to hang out in the alley tonight."

Later that night, as I was brushing my teeth thinking about the alley incident, I thought one thing that has been nice about the pandemic I haven't had to beat myself up for not being social. And then I thought, What if I don't have to beat myself up for that even when the pandemic is over? And my whole body was like WHAT?!?! What would THAT look like?! I had never thought that NOT beating myself up about not wanting to be social was an option. I could feel another layer of the self-loyalty onion pull away.

I realized I had spent my whole life beating myself up for not wanting to socialize as much as other people. Somewhere I swallowed the party line, "Good people are always willing to be social. Good people will jump at the chance to interact with fellow humans. You are an anti-social freak who is so uptight you can't just be social with people."  

I am guessing your party line is something different. A party line is any criticism you have of yourself that you believe to be 100% true. They are hard to spot because we believe them so wholeheartedly. A party line tends to be repeated in absolutes. I am an anti-social freak. People are ALWAYS going to think I am a bitch. I NEVER want to be social. And it tends to force you to do something counter to your nature. Doing idle chit-chat is not in my nature. I can do it, but to do it 100% of the time is too hard.

Unhooking that line is so hard because:

1. A big part of me believes the party line. I falsely believe that I would be a better person if I were more social. And I also falsely believe I have 2 options: be more social or beat myself up when I am not more social. I deserve to be beaten up because the party line is the TRUTH.

2. What do I do with all that time and energy I spent beating myself up? If I am not striving or beating myself up, I will be left with anxiety.

#2 is why High Functioning Anxiety is so hard. Not only am I beating myself up about something that isn't true. The idea of not beating myself up about being social and talking in the voice of the Biggest Fan is foreign. It is uncomfortable. It makes me anxious.

For too many years, that is where the debate would end. My anxiety about doing life without this belief would stop me in my tracks, and I would do nothing.

 If this is where you are, I want you to notice that. I want you to honor that you see your party line belief. You see where your Monger is hammering you, and you want to stop, and yet it makes you too anxious. Practicing self-loyalty is an excellent place to start. Self-loyalty means you can be kind to yourself even when you don't want to make a change.

I will be over here doing the same thing. I am practicing my self-loyalty around this idea. I am going to continue to loosen the all-or-nothing grip of my party line. I am trying to see the positives of what I have labeled a flaw: I prefer deep conversations, which makes me good at my job and helps me be there for my friends and family. I also enjoy idle chit-chat from time to time. AND I am noticing the anxiety and being kind to myself that this is a process and peeling onions takes time.

I am curious---what is your party line? What is the belief that is so solid that the idea of NOT beating yourself up about it sounds scary?

I Play A Mean Game Of Marco Polo

When I first started dating my husband, Doug, he was the Manager of the Aquatics Department at a local gym. Doug was a competitive swimmer in high school and is passionate about swimming; I mean PASSIONATE. I, on the other hand, see the pool as a place to play. I am very comfortable jumping off the diving board, doing handstands underwater, and I can play a mean game of ‘Marco Polo.’ But what I didn’t know how to do is swim a stroke correctly--I had no idea how to swim the front crawl or the backstroke. So I decided to take lessons from Doug.

Honestly, signing up for lessons had more to do with me wanting to spend more time with Doug and less to do with learning how to swim correctly. I was a treadmill/weights kind of girl, and swimming in my mind was for playing. But if there is one thing my High Functioning Anxiety has taught me, it is how to rise to a challenge.

If the upside was spending time with Doug, the downside was I had to practice my swimming between lessons. Each week Doug would give me assignments for my practice sessions, and occasionally, he would make his way over to my swim lane to check on my progress. Getting to see Doug was a bright spot, but I did not enjoy these practice sessions for the most part.

One week he challenged me to swim 75 meters–without stopping. For those swim novices, that is the length of the pool three times. It doesn’t sound like much, but it is a LOT when you are new to swimming. So me being me, I swam like a bat out of hell for the three laps because I was so afraid I wasn’t going to be able to finish.

When I reached the edge struggling to catch my breath, I looked up to see Doug standing there. He kneeled next to me, “Did you enjoy that?” he asked.

“No!” I replied, between gasps, “That was awful.”

“This is supposed to be fun. You don’t have to white knuckle through it.” He said, smiling, “What I love about swimming is that it is it isn’t about the destination or getting it done. It is about enjoying the strokes and just having fun with it. If you slow down your pace, you can go further and might actually enjoy it!!”

I laughed at him. Not because he was funny but because what he was saying was totally foreign to me. Enjoy the strokes? No need to white-knuckle? Don’t worry about the destination? Just have fun? What nonsense was this man speaking of?! I wanted to embrace this philosophy. I wanted to let go of the pressure to do it perfectly, quickly, and with as little effort as possible. But the concept was foreign.

As I started back across the pool, concentrating on form, trying to enjoy the journey. I could hear Doug’s muffled voice coming from the side of the pool, saying, “relax, relax.” I felt my body relax, and I smiled underwater. Because less than 15 meters into it and I was already back to white-knuckling, and he knew I would need the reminder. This story is one reason my husband and I make a great team—he is lovingly pushing me to enjoy the journey, and I am lovingly pushing him to keep the destination in mind.

With High Functioning Anxiety comes white-knuckling. When my anxiety gets high, white-knuckling becomes a go-to response—holding on for dear life, over-analyzing, looking at the situation from all angles. I can get tunnel vision on my life and my relationships. Because somewhere, I learned the lesson: the tighter I hold on, the more control I have, the happier I will be. The idea of letting go, relaxing into life can feel counter-intuitive.

When I see, I am holding my breath and grinning and bearing life rather than experiencing it. I remind myself to get into my body. To feel my legs, to stand up and stretch. Or do the five senses meditation: What do I see? Hear? Feel? Taste? Smell? Doing a full-body movement, getting into my body helps. Sometimes I need to do that multiple times a day.

By default, I probably won’t ever be someone who enjoys the journey, but now I can recognize when I am white-knuckling. I can picture Doug walking next to my swim lane saying, relax, relax, and I know what that means. I take that as a win.

My Monger Hijacked My Day Off

Don’t stand out.

Don’t be too vulnerable.

Don’t make a mistake.

Those are the three rules of the Monger (inner critic). She has others—but universally, those are her three rules.

Last Sunday, I broke the first two rules—I stood out, and I was vulnerable, and I wanted to share how my Monger let me know and how I dealt with it.

One of my goals in my writing and talking about mental health is to share its realness. To show how freaking hard acknowledging your feelings and practicing self-loyalty is in everyday life.

In last Sundays’ newsletter, I described my initial reaction to the Meghan Markle interview. If you missed it, head over here to read it. As I pressed send on the newsletter, I was super excited and proud about the message showing the complexity of empathy and kindness. My Biggest Fan was celebrating with me, and the main message running through my brain was, “You are doing it! Sharing your vulnerability and realness, nicely done.”

But by mid-afternoon, I started to hear my Monger. “What were you thinking!?! I can’t believe you shared that you were judgy of Meghan Markle.” My Monger’s messages were vague and non-specific as they tend to be. But the overall theme was I sucked, and people were going to judge me.

On Sunday afternoons, I try my hardest to make it a work-free judgment-free time. But last Sunday, as I sat on the couch watching the Mad About You Reboot, my Monger was running her propaganda loop about how I am the only one struggling with these concepts, and if I were a better person (whatever that means), it wouldn’t be so hard.

I didn’t practice A.S.K.; I didn’t do anything I tell my clients to do. I tried to distract and ignore the messages. I double down with numbing by grabbing my phone and playing some games while watching T.V., and when that didn’t work, I polished off the ½ pint of ice cream I was saving in the freezer.

My distractions didn’t work. It just temporarily quieted her, so when I started going to bed, and all the distractions were gone, she went for the jugular.

“You are such an idiot. You will lose clients, and no one will want to hire an unempathetic coach. Your desire to show how hard it is—is going to leave you broke!” She said.

I grabbed my phone and went downstairs. I handed my phone to my husband, so he could read the newsletter message and said, “Here, read this. My Monger is telling me I am an unempathetic mean girl, and I am going to be out of a job.” He took the phone and started reading as I stood over him, hands on my hips, convinced my Monger was right.

As he scrolled through, He said, “Ok, still waiting for the part where you are unempathetic---all you are doing is talking about how empathy is hard, which it is.” He looked up at me and smiled and said, “Tell your Monger to take a hike.” He hugged me, and I headed back upstairs to get ready for bed.

As I laid in bed, I FINALLY practiced A.S.K. I acknowledged that I was feeling insecure, uncomfortable, and fearful, but also, I was feeling excited and pleased that I had written the email. When I got to the K, kindly pull back to see the big picture. My Biggest Fan stepped in and said, “Oh Sweet Pea, you broke 2 of the Monger’s rules. You stood out, and you were vulnerable. That doesn’t mean it was a bad thing. It just means it is uncomfortable.” And then my Monger was quiet, and I remembered what it felt like earlier that day when I originally pressed send on the email.

Couple of things I was reminded of:

• Distraction doesn’t work because my Monger plays there unconsciously. Because her voice is so familiar, even if I am not paying attention, she can wrap her messaging around me like a warm, itchy blanket. And once she has swaddled me in her messaging, the only way out is through practicing self-loyalty via A.S.K.

• Practicing A.S.K. is challenging and, at times, annoying. Last Sunday, I just wanted to enjoy my afternoon. I didn’t want to pull out the feelings sheet and be kind to myself etc. But had I practiced A.S.K. earlier in the day, It would have been a far more enjoyable day.

• Once the Monger has her hooks in me, it doesn’t matter what other people say. I heard from several people saying how much they appreciated the story and how helpful it was. Which was amazing, and thank you to all of you who reached out, AND it was no match for my Monger. Even my husband saying tell your Monger to take a hike only helped temporarily. I have to have my own back. If I am not kind to myself, it doesn’t matter how many other people are.

The bottom line, Mongers are tough. But she doesn’t have to win. Years ago, she would have convinced me to stay quiet and stop standing out. But I know through this work, through A.S.K., through being kind to myself, she may still jump in and ruin an afternoon, but she doesn’t run the show anymore. And I will take that as a win.

My First Reaction to Meghan Markle Wasn't Kind--Here's Why

At the start of the week, my plan for this letter was to discuss Oprah’s interview with Meghan and Harry. Sharing how that conversation highlighted the importance of mental health and how we should respect people’s mental health struggles. I would have written that message and tied it up in a neat little bow with let’s all go out into the world and give ourselves and each other more empathy!

But then, mid-week, I had a Zoom meeting with an HR department about how they want to talk more about mental health in their organization. I brought up the Meghan and Harry interview and how it illustrated the embracing of mental health. And one of the women said, “Yes, I am ashamed to admit it when I heard Meghan; my first response was, ugh, come on, suck it up.” And then I heard myself reply, “Yes, I have to admit, that was my reaction too.” The woman looked at me, stunned.

Immediately my Monger started screaming at me—what are you doing?!? You can’t admit that! You are a therapist—you are supposed to be empathetic all the time. But then something amazing happened, the woman smiled, and it was as if the whole room took a giant exhale. Everyone relaxed, and we had an honest, genuine conversation about mental health and empathy, how it is counter to how we have been raised, and how we can start changing that pattern.

So here is the truth, as I watched the interview, I was physically uncomfortable. It was hard for me to watch. My first response was to belittle Meghan, roll my eyes and think, come on, Meghan, suck it up, quit being so whiny. Was it REALLY that bad? My first response was to shame her. To belittle her for not being strong enough.

My second reaction was to say to myself, “Whoa, what is up, Ms. Judgerson. Why are you so judgy? She is sharing her real and raw story. Why are you being so mean?”

And then I realized a couple of things. I was saying all those things about Meghan because:

• That is what I would say to myself. I would call myself a whiner who isn’t tough enough to handle it.

• Listening to her brought up a lot of my insecurities.

• It is safer and easier to shame and belittle rather than deal with all those messy feelings.

Yes, my first reaction to Meghan was mean, but that isn’t the end of the story. What is important is what happened next; by noticing my dismissive reaction, I created empathy for myself and Meghan.

Maybe you can relate?

So here is my message tied up in a neat little bow.

Yes, we need to have more empathy for ourselves and those around us. Empathy is key to quieting our High Functioning Anxiety.

AND

Empathy is freaking hard.

Therefore being honest about resistance to empathy is important.

When we practice self-loyalty when we notice our defense mechanisms rather than beating ourselves up, we can lean in.

We can notice the familial and cultural programming around soldiering on and sucking it up.

We can recognize how hard it is to listen without fixing. How much we want to keep things clean and at a distance rather than acknowledging all those messy uncontrollable, irrational feelings.

Most importantly, we can start to question those messages and give ourselves a little nudge to be a little more empathetic.

When Taking A Few Deep Breaths Isn't Enough

Years ago, a friend and I were having coffee at a local Starbucks. As we sipped our latte’s and caught on the ups and downs of our lives, she was sharing about her daughter’s test-taking anxiety. She described how her daughter would just break down in tears anytime she had a test at school.

“We are doing all the strategies I can think of.” My friend said. “We have tried deep breathing, taking it to the worst-case scenario and even tapping, and nothing works.”

I said, “Have you tried normalizing the anxiety. Telling her, wow, it must be hard to feel so anxious. Test-taking is scary; what else are you feeling about the test?.”

My friend looked at me, shocked, “No,” she said. “wouldn’t that give more energy to the anxiety?”

One of the biggest myths about anxiety is that it is irrational, and we shouldn’t give it any energy. Those of us with High Functioning Anxiety have swallowed this myth hook line and sinker. There are many strategies for dealing with anxiety, mindfulness, yoga, managing your thoughts, and those strategies work. Still, a critical step has to come first—acknowledging the anxiety—acknowledging the feelings.

I ran from my anxiety for years, telling myself it was irrational, silly, and should not feel this way. And none of the strategies worked for me. Taking it out to the worst-case scenario made me feel worse. Mindfulness made me feel inept because it was so hard, and changing my thoughts left me feeling temporarily better but still anxious. So I went with distraction. Distraction came by pushing, over-functioning, doing more and more and more. And when that was too much, it came through numbing, with food, alcohol, TV. I jumped between these 2 worlds: distraction than numbing.

When I say to myself, I SHOULD NOT feel this way; I am, in essence, going to war with myself. I am telling myself what I am feeling is WRONG stop doing that. And that message inherently puts me on the defensive. It makes me more anxious because now I am irrational. I am a neurotic freak. What is wrong with me!?!? So on top of feeling anxious, I shame myself for feeling anxious. I am NOT practicing self-loyalty.

But when I stop and notice the anxiety, and notice myself getting hopped up and over-functioning, I can pause and say to myself, wow, there it is again, hello anxiety. When I pause, I can ask myself what else is going on. What else are you feeling?!? This process feels like a big exhale. Rather than shaming a part of me for being irrational, I am acknowledging how hard that is.

Quick side note here and this process I described above of noticing the over-functioning and pausing isn’t always smooth. Sometimes I do notice it in the moment or within 30-60 minutes of over-functioning. But more often, I don’t notice the over-functioning until I collapse on the couch, exhausted. And I think—wait a minute, I have been pushing hard today; what is going on? Or I am touchy with my husband, and I think—wait a minute, that was unnecessary; what is going on?!

The biggest pushback I get to this idea from clients is, “Well, won’t I get lost in the anxiety? I mean, if I give it energy, won’t I get swallowed up by it.” Trust me, I understand that pushback. I thought that way for years. Because my whole life, I was told to keep pushing, keep powering through, AND I was given lots of praise for over-functioning. But the strategy was forcing me to ignore and shame a huge part of myself.

I was scared to give myself permission to feel the anxiety (and everything else), but I was also desperate to stop feeling miserable. So I tried it. I tried turning and facing the anxiety. Initially, It was hard, and it was uncomfortable, AND it felt good. It felt good to FINALLY stop fighting myself to finally say accept myself. The truth is I do have anxiety, and it sucks when it is running the show. Pretending that doesn’t exist or ignoring it is turning my back on part of myself. To stop the anxiety, I have to acknowledge it. I have to face it and be kind to myself about it. THEN I can try the strategies of mindfulness, moving my body, or taking it to the worst-case scenario.

I never followed up with my friend until recently when I asked her if the strategy of acknowledging the anxiety helped. “Oh my gosh, yes,” she said on the phone. “I can’t believe I never told you. It was something so simple, and yet I would have never thought about it. My daughter still practices it today---when she notices the anxiety, she gives herself some kindness and then goes into the strategies she has for decreasing it. She still has anxiety, but it doesn’t control her life.”

Well, Hello There, Anxiety

Sometimes with high functioning anxiety, we feel so alone as if we are the only ones experiencing this mind jibberish. Today, I wanted to share some stories of how anxiety and the Monger have shown up this week for my clients, myself, and my friends (the names are made up). The more we hear these stories, the more we can see our anxiety playing out in our lives.

Stephanie was feeling GOOD. She had a day of peace and finally saw how all this work in building self-loyalty and channeling her Biggest Fan was helping. She decided to take a quick walk to enjoy the warmer temperatures. As Stephanie returned to her house and made her way up the driveway, all those good feelings were gone; she was angry, overwhelmed, and bitter. As she started making dinner, she realized why she was so angry. Her Monger had taken over and been chatting with her the whole walk telling her that she was wrong, this stuff wasn’t working, and she was still a loser. The Monger gets nervous when we are too comfortable and let our guard down. One of her rules is don’t be too vulnerable because she believes we risk more pain later when we are vulnerable.

Cindy had a busy week. She spent the whole week pushing and hustling. Hitting deadlines, checking in on her Dad, running her kids from practice to practice. She was amazed at how much she was getting done and how good she felt! Yes, she was exhausted each night, but she checked things off the list and was uber-productive. Friday night, she LOST it. Her husband failed to buy milk at the grocery store, and she went ballistic. All the exhaustion, emotions, and overwhelm from the week came out in a mini-tantrum over milk, which led to an all-out fight with her husband about who does more for the household. Anxiety had been with her all week. She had just chosen to push it down until it boiled up with a ten reaction to a two situation.

Molly met a friend for a walk outside, and they had a great time catching up. On her way back home, Molly kept replaying one part of the conversation over and over. “I can’t believe you said that!” Her Monger chimed in. “What were you thinking!?!? She is probably so offended”. After spending the whole afternoon spinning out about potentially offending her friend, Molly called her friend to apologize. Her friend responded with amazement, ‘What are you talking about?!?! I can’t even remember that part of the conversation, so I am certainly not offended”. Molly wasted the whole afternoon, making up stories and spinning out. Our anxiety shows up in the sneakiest of ways.

Can you relate to any of these stories or a version of them? 

Our anxiety shows up in the sneakiest of ways.

So what can you do about it? 

The first step is recognizing it is your anxiety/monger talking.

The second step is realizing that your anxiety/Monger isn’t always the absolute truth. You can choose to listen to it. This is THE HARDEST step. Our Mongers are stealthy. But the more space you can get between your voice and the Monger’s voice, the better (even if it is a small wedge of space.)

The temptation is to rationalize with the Monger or try to talk her down. I spent too many years arguing with my Monger---she always won. She just gets meaner and meaner.

Next? Practicing A. S. K.

A.S.K. is so powerful because it is a way of bypassing the Monger/Anxiety and checking in with yourself—bringing in that Self-Loyalty.

I like to think of it as your Monger has hijacked your thoughts in your mind. The way around her is to get into your heart. To soften. To be authentic with yourself. That is where your Biggest Fan is in that soft, vulnerable place. She is a big hug saying, “Hey Sweet Pea, Today was hard. You are still ok.”

Acknowledge what you are Feeling: Label those feelings,

Stephanie was feeling happy, joyful, scared, cautious, and insecure. 

Cindy was feeling tired, fearful, exhausted, overwhelmed, taken for granted, and proud. 

Notice the VARIETY in the feelings. When we start to acknowledge our feelings, we can see the wide range of feelings we experience. 

Slow Down and Get into Your Body

Do a full-body movement, touch your toes, stretch for the sky, or wiggle your body. 

When we can get in our bodies, we can make some distance between our anxiety and reality. We get trapped in our heads and forget we have a body.

Kindly Pull Back to see the Big Picture. 

 Give yourself some kindness. 

Jen would say to herself, “You did it. You used your strengths, and you made a difference; how cool is that?!? You didn’t have to struggle; not all victories require struggle, that is a new belief for you, and it is still valid. 

Molly would say to herself, “Julie has been a friend of mine for years. I can trust her to tell me if she was offended.” or “I know you like to pick one thing and obsess on it, but this just isn’t worth it. Julie loves you, and she knows you love her. Let it go.”

Dating Someone With High Functioning Anxiety

On the outside, your spouse or significant other probably seems like the most put-together, high achiever, all around superwoman/superman they are. But deep down, they may be suffering with racing thoughts or feelings of doubt, fear, anxiousness, and worry. 

Dating someone with high functioning anxiety isn’t always obvious. In fact, it may be a bit shocking when someone who seems to have it so together suddenly seems so not together.

You might not even know that your partner experiences high functioning anxiety until well into your relationship—because they were doing their best not to show they were having problems with anxiety. 

If you realize your partner lives with HFA, you’re likely one of the only people who knows just how much they’re struggling on the inside. To everyone else, they are a shining star at work or the president of multiple organizations.

HFA can hurt your relationship because they take on too much and sacrifice time with you. Then can suddenly not see themselves and depend on you to put themselves back together, which can strain your relationship.

High Functioning Symptoms In Relationships

If you’re dating a person with high functioning anxiety, you may notice that they approach relationships a little differently. 

Your partner may be reluctant to talk about how they feel or really let you in, which may lead to arguments or miscommunication. Or they may put too much pressure on you for support because you’re the only person who knows how difficult it is for them.

Even as a high functioning anxiety coach, I still find myself struggling in my relationships with friends and family. 

Dating with anxiety can be scary for those who struggle with high functioning anxiety because we often feel like we may not measure up to our partner’s needs. Even though we seem like the overachieving type, we are constantly overanalyzing every word or action in our relationships. 

Some common signs that your partner may have HFA include:

• Procrastination

• Seeking constant reassurance from you.

• Control freak

• Always busy

• Lots of negative self-talk

• Never being able to say no.

• Lack of sleep

• Acting like everything is “fine!”

The truth is, HFA is more than just feeling anxious. You may notice that your partner is highly sensitive to criticism or that you’ll leave them for minor things. Your partner could also seem very isolated and closed off at times because letting people in on how we’re feeling can open us up to judgment that we’re not ready to receive. 

Despite being extremely loyal and loving to the most important people in our lives, those of us that struggle with anxiety can often feel underappreciated in our relationships. We often put unnecessary pressure on ourselves to make loved ones feel happy but often have a hard time receiving help or affection in return. 

Helping Your Partner Cope With Anxiety

You might be surprised that your partner may be dealing with anxiety, especially if they don’t display the common symptoms of traditional anxiety. High functioning anxiety is a different type of anxiety disorder and requires a separate diagnosis because they aren’t the same. 

Coping with stress and anxiety is different with high functioning anxiety. If you believe that your partner experiences HFA, you may notice that they have developed coping mechanisms over time that help them hide their anxiety or overwork to prevent rejection and failure. 

Those with HFA might even believe that they have successfully developed coping mechanisms over the years to control their feelings of anxiety. But those coping mechanisms could be causing them to feel more anxious and stressed, which often has a big negative effect on their relationship with you. 

Set a Safe Place For Open Communication

People with anxiety tend to struggle with the ability to open up and talk about their feelings. People with HFA believe they are too much and that their thoughts and feelings will overwhelm their loved ones. Often they are afraid of letting other people down, so talking about how they actually feel can be challenging, which can hurt communication in a relationship. 

Encourage your partner to be open with you about their feelings and be a supportive listener. People with HFA tend to think in absolutes, so help them pull back and see the bigger picture. Remind them of their strengths and remind them that how they’re feeling in the moment is also okay. People with HFA may lack self-compassion, so being compassionate and gracious in the moment can also remind them to do the same for themselves. Most importantly, do not try to fix the situation. Although it is hard, listening with compassion and kindness is the most helpful.  

Remind Them To ASK

If you feel that your partner is starting to close off or notice that they are isolating themselves more to create boundaries, remind them to ASK.

• Acknowledge what you’re feeling

• Slow down and get into your body

• Kindly pull back to see the bigger picture.

When you ask your partner how they are feeling, remind them to be kind and gracious to themselves and take a moment to stop and acknowledge their feelings. It helps to be supportive and remind them that it’s okay and very human to feel overwhelmed or stressed.

Sharing my podcast episode about the ASK method can be a helpful way for them to learn how to cope with their high functioning anxiety more productively than the habits they’ve built up over time.

Getting Outside Help Along The Way

Even though we want the best for our partners and our relationships, we just can’t do it all of the time. A professional high functioning anxiety coach can help in the areas that you may not be able to and take part of the burden off of you too. Encourage your partner to seek advice from an anxiety coach to help them learn techniques to deal with HFA. 

Dealing with HFA alone can seem like a whole new monster on its own, especially if you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about it. Because those with HFA often won’t reach out for help on their own, helping your partner realize they need help and where to get it can be a huge step towards making your life together better. 

I designed my coaching program to make it easier to talk through anxiety. And learn techniques to deal with triggers of high functioning anxiety with Voxer support that your partner can use when they need it—instead of always relying on you when things aren’t going well. 

Are You Type A or Do You Have High Functioning Anxiety?

If you’re anything like me, maybe you’ve always categorized yourself as a Type A personality. Maybe other people have characterized you as Type A, and you’ve just accepted it to be true. You might even fit all the boxes, both good and bad. 

On the one hand, type-A personalities are goal-oriented, go-getters, overachievers, multitaskers, ambitious, and trustworthy. On the other hand, if you ask someone else, they may describe Type A personalities as controlling, work crazy, domineering, competitive, “my way or the highway” type people. 

Did you raise your hand for all of those, even the negative parts, or was that just me? We, along with everyone else, may have put ourselves in this type A bubble. 

But did you know that having high functioning anxiety (HFA) can actually be mistaken as being Type A? On the surface, you seem cool, calm, and collected, but on the inside, your mind is running 90 miles a minute, and you feel like you can’t say no or you’ll let someone down. It’s classic high function anxiety, not just a Type A personality. 

If you’ve ever felt like anything other than perfection was unacceptable, and that you must follow how you’re “supposed to” do something to the exact letter and feel a weight of anxiety, you may have high functioning anxiety.

What is High Functioning Anxiety?

If you’re someone who experiences these Type-A tendencies, you may feel like you don’t struggle with anxiety. That’s because Generalized Anxiety Disorder is different from HFA, so many of us believe that we don’t suffer from anxiety. More importantly, the major distinction between the two is the way we respond to them.  

Although it’s possible to experience general anxiety symptoms, you can still suffer from HFA with these symptoms as well. The main difference between the two is the way that you respond to your anxiety. 

The truth, however, is that many of the characteristics described as Type A are often what it’s like to have high functioning anxiety. However, HFA may look a little more like this: 

• Procrastination

• Seeking constant reassurance, AKA Praise me, please!

• Control freak

• Busy busy busy

• Lots of negative self-talk

• Fear of letting people down

• Lack of sleep

• Numbing

• Physical symptoms

• Everything is “fine!”

Sound familiar? While you may think your type A personality is helping, these above aspects often hurt those “superpowers” of type A personalities. 

Don’t worry, even as a high functioning anxiety coach, I struggle with these two. If you’ve struggled with these feelings your whole life, this still might come as a surprise to you. Sometimes, people with high functioning anxiety find themselves more resistant to the idea that they may struggle with it. The more we recognize what’s going on in our minds, the easier it becomes for us to really cope. 

HFA vs. Type A Personality

Yes, it’s true that you could just have a Type A personality and not an anxiety disorder. But if you can relate to what we’ve discussed so far, then you might be wondering why you’re feeling that way. It may be because you have high functioning anxiety.

In fact, if you do have HFA, chances are that you find it hard to believe because you’ve spent your whole life feeling this way, and it’s been just fine, right? Except it hasn’t if you’re honest with yourself. 

In true HFA fashion, those of us who struggle with it try to cope with their anxiety through control. Rather than running from our worries and fears, we try to navigate them and make them less scary but finding ways to control them such as: 

• Seek control by being high achieving

• Have black/white or right/wrong thought processes

• Fixated on milestones, achievements, and productivity

• Will do anything not to let others down

• Focused on routines, habits, and rigidity

• Insomnia, nervous ticks, and physical ailments showing up as flight response

The truth is, HFA can look different for people surrounding us because it’s more of an internal struggle than an external one. Those of us with HFA don’t show the major signs of anxiety-like other anxiety disorders might. It may seem so normal that we don’t even notice it sometimes. 

That’s why so many of our family members, friends, and colleagues will describe us as Type A because the outward appearance is one of control, poise, and achievement. But internally? We’re struggling with negative thoughts, controlling behaviors, and trying to cope in ways that actually hurt us.

Help for High Functioning Anxiety

People with HFA are often also high achievers, busy bees, and often excel at almost everything. You would almost never guess that on the inside, they’re feeling insecure, overwhelmed, or stressed. But you might be thinking that’s just the way you are, and there’s no changing your personality.

The truth is we tend to create “coping mechanisms” that more or less distract us from the root of the problem and worsen our HFA instead of making it better. For example, you may tell people you’re fine because you seem fine. So you try and hide your HFA by overthinking, overdoing, and overperforming, leaving you exhausted and depleted in the end. 

But deep down, you feel that feeling of unworthiness, so you may work ten times harder not to have to feel that way. And when we try to set boundaries, we end up second-guessing those boundaries and stress out about what people think about us. Sound familiar?

That’s why it’s such a vicious cycle. You’re never really dealing with what’s causing your high functioning anxiety and find a hard time shutting off negative feelings that drive you to show off Type A traits. 

There is light at the end of the tunnel and, although there’s no magical high functioning anxiety treatment, you do have options. 

Talk To a High Functioning Anxiety Coach

Dealing with HFA alone can be challenging. Part of my coaching programs include helping clients understand their HFA, adequately addressing it, and approaching it. My clients spend a lot of time barely scratching the surface of what they’re dealing with versus what’s actually going on. 

That’s why my Coach in My Pocket program includes Voxer, a voice messaging app that allows me to check in with clients without the formality of a face-to-face meeting. If you’re new to working with a mental health coach, this format may suit you well if your HFA coping mechanisms cause you to block traditional therapy sessions. 

Voxer allows you to communicate in the comfort of your own space so that you can have a more raw and genuine session. It also fits into your already busy schedule so that way you can get help when you need it. 

Tired of thinking that being Type A is all there is? It’s time to discover how much calmer you can be—and how that can actually help you achieve even more in your life.

Insomnia and High Functioning Anxiety

If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably researched thousands of different ways to help you fall asleep, stay asleep, get better sleep, and on and on. The list of things to help you achieve that great night of sleep seems to be the same; avoid caffeine at night, turn off your tv or phone before going to sleep, wake up at the same time, etc. 

But what all those lists don’t usually cover is how to help when you roll over, look at the clock, see that it’s 4 am, and think, “perfect! I have more time to sleep,” only to have your mind start racing. It may come as no surprise that anxiety and sleep go hand in hand. 

But for people with high functioning anxiety (HFA), conventional sleep tips just aren’t enough to get us through. 

Even as a high functioning anxiety coach, I still have to make efforts to get my sleep anxiety under control. I’ve been prone to get the “4 am visitor,” as I like to call it, all too often, and it can be brutal. It’s one thing to hear your Monger during the day. But at night, when our defenses are down, it can seem even more terrifying. 

What Is Insomnia?

It’s not uncommon that at some point in our lives, everyone will deal with insomnia in one way or another. Some of the most common insomnia symptoms include: 

• Difficulty falling asleep

• Trouble staying asleep

• Waking up too early

• Feeling constantly tired

If you’ve raised your hand to any of those, chances are you may struggle with insomnia. People who struggle with insomnia and HFA may have a similar and yet slightly different experience. 

That moment when you briefly wake up in the middle of the night to racing thoughts can be overwhelming. Your mind may drift back to that thing you said at the dinner party that you shouldn’t have said. You may be letting your Monger beat you up about the outfit you wore or worry about whether or not what you said to your boss was rude. 

HFA and insomnia can cause you to spiral quickly. In fact, they often go hand in hand, especially those with sleep deprivation. Not sleeping can worsen your anxiety, and having high anxiety can worsen your sleeping habits. Thus continues the vicious cycle. 

Having a good night’s sleep can be very beneficial to your mental health and HFA. But what do you do when you don’t know how to achieve a night of restful sleep? 

How does High Functioning Anxiety affect my sleep?

One of the biggest indicators that you may have high functioning anxiety? You know what it’s like to seem calm, cool, and collected on the outside but are internally battling with the constant storm of self-doubt, stress, and anxiety. And more often than not, your anxiety may decide to rear its head in the middle of the night.

This internal anxiety can also play a role in how well you sleep. Your HFA may cause you to lie awake with your racing thoughts, or you may start to distract yourself rather than fall back asleep. 

For me, I sometimes venture down the path of turning on the TV, so I don’t have to listen to my 4 am visitor. But in the end, it just leaves me feeling more exhausted and doesn’t help me address the problem. 

How to Cope with HFA and Insomnia

Just like I teach my clients when dealing with their Monger during the day, I realized that I can do the same thing with my scary 4 am visitor that just won’t leave me alone some nights. Rather than letting her beat me up time and time again, I have to stop and ask myself, “Wait? Is this even true?” 

That’s when I realized I had the power to stop and practice ASK even in the late hours of the night: 

• Acknowledge what you are feeling

• Slow down and get into your body

• Kindly pull back to see the big picture

I realized that the very things that I’ve been practicing in my day-to-day routine I could also do in the middle of the night when I started to worry. Except this time, I really had to learn how to quiet those negative thoughts down faster to get back to sleep. Rather than turning on the TV, this strategy helps me shift my focus onto something other than the Monger in my head, reminding me of how terrible I am. 

It’s okay to check in with yourself during episodes of unrest and anxiousness. I try to take back control over my Monger and drown out the noise by turning my focus onto other things, like: 

• A fun vacation

• A day that made you happy

• Start listing the states

• Think about your favorite movie

And watch your 4 am monger get quieter and quieter as you drown out the noise. Although this is what works for me at times, it doesn’t mean that coping with HFA and insomnia is simple or easy to overcome. It can take work. 

Can’t Seem to Sleep? Get Help from an Anxiety Coach

If you notice that you’re struggling with nighttime mongers and need help walking through it, I offer coaching programs that may help! Dealing with high functioning anxiety can seem scary, especially if you’re trying to do it alone.

If you’re finding it difficult to talk about your HFA, I am here to help you. I’ve designed coach programs to help guide you through your HFA and how to cope with it. Most of my clients realize they’re actually struggling with HFA when they suffer insomnia, so if you’re feeling tired and worn down because of nighttime anxiety, it may be time to get help to finally get a restful night’s sleep. 

How I Reduced Anxiety By Removing Comparison

I have written a post on The Danger of Comparisons where I talk about how comparing ourselves to others can hurt us. Even as a high-functioning anxiety coach, I still struggle with the monster of comparison daily. 

In short, I am a Comparison Addict.

There are many things I want to accomplish, writing an ebook/course, recording more videos, writing more in general, and reaching more and more clients. I have found, especially with my writing, I get paralyzed in comparison. Meaning, I spend WAY too much time online, on blogs, on marketing sites figuring out HOW to do the activity vs. just do it. Then I end up:

• not accomplishing anything

• feeling bad about myself because I didn’t accomplish anything

• feeling bad that I failed against everyone I compared myself with

It is an endless loop of wasted energy. And as an anxious overachiever, sometimes I feel even worse about the things I didn’t accomplish.

Over the past few weeks, I have been building awareness around this problem and realized it is a multi-layer problem:

1. I am just wasting time.

2. I am not facing my fears or working through my anxiety

3. I am not living the life I want to be living; I am settling for being paralyzed in the shadows of others.

So I have declared a Week of No Comparison for myself. For one week, I wanted to concentrate on the many goals I set for myself and didn’t want to waste time on the internet looking at how I SHOULD be doing it.

Here are the ‘guidelines’ I set for myself:

1. Check daily blogs but don’t look at random blogs throughout the day.

2. Post to my blogs or social media but don’t randomly check either throughout the day

3. Check something online when it’s necessary and not for mindless scrolling or reading.

4. Build awareness around when I get stuck. Am I scrolling when I have to be productive, creative, face a fear, or all of the above?

5. Check email at a designated time of the day. Don’t read newsletters or emails that come up throughout the day.

6. Finally, I will have a lot of self-compassion around this event. I am fully aware I may not succeed at a comparison-free week–the goal of this week is to ease up on the amount of time I spend in comparison mode AND pay attention to what is coming up for me in the process. It is a week of awareness, compassion, and incremental change.

I recognize comparison may not be an issue for you. However, no matter what habit or pattern is getting in your way, one of the keys to living happier is bringing awareness, building compassion, and making small meaningful changes. That was my goal, to notice when I get snagged, build in some practices to help me through those times, and have a lot of compassion for myself in the meantime. 

How Removing Comparison Affected My Anxiety

After taking a week to practice not comparing myself to those on the internet, I attempted to increase my productivity and decrease my negative talk. As a mental health professional, I WANT to be able to say:  

• It was a rousing success.

• I didn’t compare myself to anyone for at least a week.

• It went so well that here I am, weeks later, still successfully non-comparing.

• My comparison behavior has been changed downright eliminated.

• My productivity has skyrocketed.

• I am healed from comparison syndrome.

As I said, I WANT to be able to write that.

But what is the truth?

In reality, I started strong. I was able to limit my comparing for the first week, and then slowly, it crept back in. And before I knew it, I was back to some of my old patterns of spending WAY too much time on the internet and using it as a way to feel bad about myself. As someone who teaches about creating positives changes around high anxiety, I felt a bit like a fraud to say that I have not succeeded. 

But then, last night, as I lay in bed unable to sleep, I thought to myself, “I have changed.” No, I haven’t completely changed. I haven’t eliminated the behavior. But I have:

• made myself more aware of when I compare myself to others.

• noticed when I start heading down the slippery road to comparison hell (sometimes I can stop it, sometimes I don’t notice until I am too far down the path).

• I paid attention to what triggers the behavior, how it feels when I am doing it and have implemented some small ways to change it when I notice it.

That right there is a change for me—admitting that, while yes, I haven’t succeeded in eliminating the behavior–I have succeeded. Because, after all, all change is incremental.

Too often, we set our goals too high and make them almost out of reach. We set ourselves up for failure.

Honestly, was I going to be able to go cold turkey from comparing myself to others? No
Is it a behavior I would like to change? Yes
Is it something that is going to take time? Absolutely

As I say to my clients, the way to make real change is awareness. We need to notice the behavior, what triggers it, what the feelings are around it. We often give into over-functioning habits the most at work and tell ourselves it is required to be successful.

Sometimes we notice the behavior while we are doing it, sometimes within 5 minutes, sometimes within 30, sometimes it is days later we look back and say, “Wow, I totally did {fill-in the blank} on Monday, and I wish I hadn’t.”

Gradually as we start bringing awareness, and through being intentional, change occurs. That is what is happening with my comparison-free time. It may not be all day, every day, but for larger chunks of the day, I am comparison-free, which in itself is a victory!!

Struggling with Comparison Causing Anxiety?

For many of us with high functioning anxiety, comparison is a key trigger that causes us to spiral out into thoughts we feel we can’t control. Common symptoms of high functioning anxiety include feeling like you’re doing enough because you’re comparing yourself—and set yourself up for failure or burnout because of comparisonitis.

Comparisonitis leaves you feeling worthless, inadequate, or like there’s something wrong with you that’s holding you back from the successes you see in others. If you’re nodding your head that you’ve felt that way after comparing yourself and laid awake at night going over and over that negative self-talk afterward, working on reducing comparison in your life can help. 

You can take some of the same steps I did to get started, like identifying triggers that cause you to start comparing yourself and taking actions to reduce those triggers. Learning how to deal with comparison and the resulting feelings when it happens is another positive step.

Need help or someone to talk to who has been there? Get in touch to learn about my anxiety coaching program that teaches you how to use strategies to help you deal with feelings of comparison.

The Mixed Blessing Of Having A High Empathy Radar

In my late 20s, while in graduate school, I took a full-time job at a local university. I had two different responsibilities working in the Career Services Office, helping students with their careers, and living in and managing the upper-class apartment complex. The job was a mix of apartment manager, rule enforcer, and big sister. The career counseling job was fantastic! The apartment manager job? Well, it was the worst job I ever had, and I was terrible at it.

One of my superpowers has always been sensing what people need and giving it to them (sometimes even before they know it is a need). You may have heard this superpower as being an empath or a highly sensitive person. I call it having a High Empathy Radar. Frequently people with High Functioning Anxiety have a High Empathy Radar.

It took me a long time to realize that a High Empathy Radar:

• Was a superpower.

• Not everyone had it

• If I didn't control it--it could drain me.

The job was all-consuming. Living where I worked was exhausting and constantly being on alert for my students' needs was too much.

Because I didn't know how to control my High Empathy Radar, it ran amuck. From my career counseling students by day to the residents by night, I was on 24/7. My High Functioning Anxiety was in full swing. My Monger was always screaming at me that I was failing, and I was in full-on push, push, push mode. To survive, I shut down, I became angry. I lashed out at those I loved and/or gave them the silent treatment. My world became smaller and smaller.

If you had met me at that time, you would not have described me as an empathetic person.

Looking back at that time, I can see the job was a bad fit, and I was miserable. But it taught me a lot of lessons.

• Empathy is a nuanced superpower. It is a gift, and it can be overwhelming.

• Learning how to create boundaries with a High Empathy Radar is hard and necessary. I tended to be all or nothing with boundaries. So I appeared 'hardened' or 'all business' when in reality, I was super sensitive. That hard shell was protecting all those feelings of incompetence in not having the solutions to all the problems my High Empathy Radar was picking up.

• If I am not careful, I can spend all my empathy reserves on my job, and so those I love are left with the hardened "all business" Nancy, which is not what anyone wants, especially me.

Frequently clients will share that their spouse has called them unempathetic, or they wish they had more energy to give at home. Their Monger steps in to beat them up for being so selfish and mean when in reality, it is the exact opposite. They are too empathetic, too sensitive, too kind to everyone around them, and they have no empathy left to give to those they love the most.

You might be waiting in anticipation for the "three ways you can change this pattern and use your High Empathy Radar for good."

Unfortunately, it isn't that easy; the process is nuanced.

However, I do have an exercise to help you get started.

Notice how often you are:

• Only reacting to your Monger or the expectations of others.

• Running on auto-pilot.

• Pushing beyond your comfort zone

• Lashing out at those you love.

When you see these patterns pull back, practice A.S.K. be kind to yourself and remind yourself of your values.

And remember, this is a nuanced process. You aren't a bad person. You just have a High Empathy Radar and have learned some survival skills that aren't serving you anymore. Unlearning those survival skills and re-learning others is hard. Be patient. Be kind. It takes time.

A Story About Bagel Toppings And People Pleasing

Throughout my life, one of my go-to strategies for dealing with my anxiety is through people-pleasing. My Monger tells me that if everyone around me was happy, I will feel less anxiety. As part of this belief, I convince myself that everyone else's needs are more important because if their needs are met, they won't notice how incompetent I am.

Recently I was making a bagel for breakfast. I couldn't decide if I wanted butter or cream cheese, so I decided to have both. As I pulled both the butter and the cream cheese out of the fridge and started spreading the combo on my bagel, my husband looked at me like I was crazy and asked where I had learned to do that combo. I explained to him that it was all thanks to my college roommate; almost every morning of our sophomore year, I brought her a bagel with cream cheese and butter from the dining hall.

As a young girl, I learned that breakfast was the most important meal of the day, so being the good girl I was, no matter how early my first class was, I made sure to start my day off right with breakfast. My roommate, however, would rather sleep in. As I remember it, I just randomly grabbed her a bagel one day, and she was SO appreciative that it became a thing. So I always grabbed her a bagel with cream cheese and butter. The reason this stands out in my mind is not just the odd topping combo but my obsession with getting her breakfast, making sure it was right, and always having a fear that I would get it wrong and she would be mad at me.

Looking back on that college ritual, I can see that my Monger was running the show, convincing me that my roommate was WAY cooler than me and if I wanted to keep her as a friend, I needed to make her happy. In essence, my Monger said the only way I would have friends was if I bribed them. Of course, there were days I didn't want to get her bagel because I was resentful for being forced to get her a bagel. So my BFF voice demonized her for being lazy and not wanting to get out of bed and get her own damn bagel. My Monger told me I was a loser who needed to bribe my friend, and when that got too much, my BFF would step in to blame her for being lazy. In my roommate's mind, she was just happy to have food. She probably didn't understand why I was so consistent in bringing her a bagel, but she just thought it was a nice thing I did. My roommate didn't demand it or expect it. But I demanded it of myself. It was a hell of my own making.

I can see this dynamic in my marriage. When my anxiety is high, I will bend over backward to predict my husband's needs and try to make him happy. Like watching his favorite show when I don't want to (even if he doesn't care) or picking up the house (even when he doesn't notice), or making sure I tiptoe around him and give him lots of space (even though he didn't ask for it).

To be clear, my husband is one of the most laid-back people least demanding people I know, so this is dynamic is all in my head. My Monger will convince me that he will stop loving me if I don't do for my husband. If he is in a bad mood, my Monger will convince me it is because of something I did, so I had better over-perform and please him. When he doesn't appreciate all my sacrifices, my BFF steps in to demonize him and tell me how much he doesn't appreciate me and all my hard work. My Monger and my anxiety convince me I can control EVERYTHING, from how someone else feels to whether they will like me. And when I can't control it or get tired of trying, my BFF comes to blame the other person. Again a hell of my own making.

The good news is these dynamics do change. I notice this pattern WAY earlier than I used to. I can see that my anxiety is spiking, my Monger is getting loud, so I start to people-please. I can catch myself people-pleasing, overperforming, all in a quest to quiet my Monger. And I can bring in my Biggest Fan, that voice of self-loyalty. When I notice my husband is in a bad mood, I ask him if he needs anything. And if my Monger is still chiming that it is all my fault, I will share that with him. I will check in to see if I caused his lousy mood, and 99% of the time, I had nothing to do with his bad mood. Awareness, kindness, and communication are the keys.

Who would have thought bagel toppings could have so much meaning! But as I sat down to eat my bagel that morning, I was reminded of my college years, my college roommate (who I adore to this day!), and how grateful I am that bending over backward to make someone like me is no longer a driving force in my life.

What You Think You Are Worried About Isn't The Problem

For people with High Functioning Anxiety, denying stress is a way of life. We pride ourselves on being able to handle stressful situations. The reason I talk about “soldiering on” and “suck it up, buttercup” is whenever I have a stressful event, those are my default phrases. Pretending as if everything is fine is a way of life for me. Sometimes, it is hard for me to directly address a stressful situation because I am so good at creating smokescreens rather than dealing with the actual problem.

Let me give an example.

I have been dealing with an emotional situation I will call it problem A, and if you asked me about it, my response would be, “I am fine” or “it is what it is.” Last week I came downstairs after a workday and was obsessing about a work situation. When I say obsessing, I mean it was all I would talk about. My Monger was loud. I was beating the problem to death, analyzing and analyzing what to do. It was consuming me, and my anxiety was through the roof. That is the first clue it was a smokescreen. Smokescreens tend to be relatively benign problems without an easy solution. Ironically THIS was the problem where the trite saying of “it is what it is” would have been useful. Instead, all I could think about was how can I fix this obsess, obsess, obsess.

Later that night, I couldn’t relax, and I immediately thought, I bet it is this work problem. But then my loving husband said, “Really?” Don’t you think it is the emotional fallout from problem A, not the work problem?” Oh no, I thought I am ok with that—it is what it is blah blah blah. And then I stopped and thought, right, that is the problem. And I realized I was creating a smokescreen to not deal with problem A because problem A was messy. Problem A had lots of emotions, and what am I supposed to do with that??

The idea of smokescreens is a psychological defense mechanism called displacement—where you take your emotion out on something ‘safe.’ I call it smokescreens because it gives me a visual of what I am doing. I am telling myself ‘look over here,’ it is safer.

So now you might be thinking, ok, so what do you do about it?

A few years ago, I would give the very therapisty answer of dive deep into all the feelings problem A brings up. Dive deep and Deal with what is happening rather than creating a smokescreen.

But now, I recognize diving deep isn’t always possible and isn’t always healthy. Obviously, the feelings associated with problem A are so big I don’t know how to dive into them, and is it beneficial to dive into something so big? As they say, it is like eating an elephant in one bite.

When I noticed the smokescreen was happening:

• I give myself permission to have the smokescreen. I said to myself, “Oh, Sweetpea, wow, you didn’t realize how big problem A is. I get that it is overwhelming. Smokescreens are ok as long as you know it is a smokescreen.”

• When I notice the smokescreen taking over, I give myself permission to practice A.S.K.

• Acknowledging the feelings from problem A. I look at the feelings sheet and name all the feelings coming up. I challenge myself to name 6-8 feelings and acknowledge they are there. If I want to express those feelings, I let myself do that with tears, screaming, or hitting a pillow.

• Slowing down and getting into my body, doing a full-body movement, touching my toes, going for a walk, or dancing to my favorite song.

• Kindly pulling back to see the big picture, recognizing problem A won’t take me down. It is an elephant I can eat one step at a time.

• I don’t always do it in that order; sometimes I go for a walk, sometimes I just acknowledge my feelings, sometimes I see a bigger picture.

• I give myself permission to tap in and tap out of problem A and use the smokescreen if necessary.

Not all defense mechanisms are bad. They are there for a reason, to help us deal with problems and ideas that are too big. But unchecked defense mechanisms can increase our anxiety and make the problem bigger. Through practicing self-loyalty, we can see the defense mechanisms, be kind about it, and have our own back as we deal with hard situations.

Mongers, Imperfection, and Anxiety

Living with a Monger who has commentary on everything I do is exhausting. The more she talks unchecked, the more my high functioning anxiety runs rampant. As a result, I have learned unhealthy coping mechanisms to keep her at bay. When my Monger is critical, my first response is to engage with her, debate with her, justify, prove, and defend my actions rather than owning them. I convince myself that explaining the mistake keeps my perfect veneer in place. And if I own the mistake, my Monger will have more fodder to ridicule me and beat me up. In fact, the opposite is true. When I own my mistakes, apologize if necessary or change my behavior, it takes a lot less time and energy and surprisingly quiets my Monger.

Last week as my husband was headed out for the evening dog walk, he asked me a question about dinner. I was watching TV, I usually would pause the TV and listen to him, but I ignored him this time. The minute I realized he was talking and ignored him, I started on my standard path of justifying why I had ignored him. I wanted to hear the show. I just had a few more minutes of the show blah blah blah. And I caught myself and paused, and I said, “I am sorry. I was ignoring you, and you are more important than this tv show.” Fortunately for my husband, it wasn’t a big deal, and we moved on pretty quickly. What struck me about that exchange was a. clearly, I had done something wrong. And b. my first instinct was to justify what I had done rather than own it.

I tend to be late. Even for video appointments, I frequently run up the stairs to my office with minutes to spare. I spent years justifying why I was late, traffic, too much to do, blah, blah blah. Recently, I decided to own it, to stop deflecting and excusing it. I realized I run late because if I am early and I have to sit and wait, my Monger will have a chance to run her negative commentary, which causes my anxiety to go higher. Because I would get so caught up in justifying, I never realized how loud my Monger was when I was early. I owned that realization and started working to change it. Now I try to get there a few minutes early (some days are better than others), and when I get there early, I practice getting into my body and slowing everything down. Being early and actively working on my anxiety takes way less mental energy than justifying, proving, and defending why I was late.

My first instinct was to justify, prove or defend the behavior rather than own it with each of these stories. If I can justify my actions, sometimes my Monger will be quiet. I repeat, SOMETIMES, she will be quiet. The thing is, by justifying my actions, I am still giving her all the power. I am engaging in her debate, and I am keeping the relationship alive. But when I own the mistake or the unpleasant truth, I take my power back. I am no longer dependent on her judgment; I am saying, yep, I made a mistake, and I can own it, make changes, apologize if necessary, and move forward. That is self-loyalty.

My Monger convinces me that the goal is to be perfect, which is impossible. It amazes me that my first response is to protect that perfect veneer and justify my behavior because I am so scared of imperfection. As I said last week, the grooves in our brains are strong. And I battle this pull of perfection and justification every day. But each time I choose to own it, and I see that I won’t fall apart because I am imperfect, I gain a little more freedom.

High Functioning Anxiety and the Love of Analyzing

I love thinking. I love analyzing, problem-solving figuring out the why.

My anxiety has been high this past week for obvious reasons, from political unrest to a raging pandemic to running a micro business. There are lots of things to be anxious about. That isn't surprising. What is surprising and drives me a little batty is how I have been dealing with that anxiety.

Keeping in mind, I know that the best way to deal with anxiety is to get out of my head into my body, allow the feelings, and be kind to myself.

But here is what I did this week:

I spent a lot of time analyzing WHY I was anxious. I kept coming back to the same things as stated above, but I would minimize those things as not a big deal—I mean, the political unrest doesn't affect me personally.

Yes, the pandemic is hard, but I should be grateful. I am so fortunate in that no one I know personally has been dramatically affected by COVID,

We don't have kids, and I can work from home, and really what does complaining about this pandemic do it is what it is. There is no use bitching about it.

I half-heartedly tried to journal and do some stretching those things that ground me and get me back into my body, and as soon as I started to feel anything or my mind started losing control, I quickly started to do something else.

I numbed through TV, mindless reading, and food.

I stayed vigilant, watching the news, scrolling through Twitter (where I follow only journalists), and talking about the news with friends and family.

As a result, I slept poorly, having strange dreams of COVID and people attacking my home. I drove my husband crazy with my analysis of why I feel so anxious and what I can do about it.

And then this morning, I randomly put in my headphones and decided to listen to music—something I use to do all the time and haven't done much since COVID. Pink's song came on called Barbies, a personal favorite because I LOVED playing Barbies as a little girl. There is a line in the song that says.

I wish I could go back to playing Barbies in my room.

They never say that you gotta grow up, quite this soon.

How fast things change

And now I'm here, and all I wanna do

Is go back to playing Barbies in my room

I imagined myself as a little girl playing Barbies, when everything was safe and simple and joyful. And I started crying—​ugly crying. And I couldn't stop. I just let it rip. Tears, snot the whole bit. It was a much-needed release. My brain stopped thinking, and I just let myself feel all the sadness, disappointment, and fear—without fixing, judging, or explaining it away.

I wish I could button this story up with a lesson: here is how I will stop myself from overthinking when my anxiety gets high.

In the coming weeks, I hope that when I notice myself thinking and justifying, I will pull myself back and let myself feel and get into my body.

AND I know that the groove in my brain that encourages me not to get into my body, not to feel, is strong. That is a well-worn groove. So tomorrow, when I feel anxious, and I decide to put on music to help me get in touch with my body and my feelings, my brain will be on a higher alert to prevent that. That is how it works.

The way around that is practicing self-loyalty. Recognizing that my brain is running the show, she is trying to protect me from feeling vulnerable. Analyzing, minimizing, and justifying are familiar coping strategies, and when my anxiety is high, they are comfortable.

But if I have my own back. I can recognize hey to deal with my anxiety, I need to get into my body, AND that is scary. So I will be kind and call in the Biggest Fan. I will remind myself that I am safe and feeling isn't the end of the world. It is a practice.

Right now, if you are feeling anxiety, you aren't doing anything wrong. You aren't broken. The grooves in your brain are protecting you the best way they know-how. And some days, you will feel great, and some days your anxiety will rage. Practice self-loyalty, engage in the activities that return you to your body, and be kind to yourself.​

This Is Who We Are–Yep, I Am Afraid So

In response to the riot at the Capitol building Wednesday, leaders said, “this isn’t who we are; we aren’t people who do this.” And I internally cringed. Because clearly, we are people who do this---because we did---my fellow Americans---did this.

The statement “this isn’t who we are” is a judgment statement, and it doesn’t allow for growth. Because until we can admit, yep, as a society, this is who we are, we can’t make change. I want to stand on the moral high ground. THEY are bad people. THEY are evil. THEY are stupid, ignorant, and unworthy. And yet, I know they are husbands, wives, sisters, and fathers. They are human.

As humans, we can ‘otherize’ people to the point that we want to inflict violence. As humans, we are entitled, judgmental, and prone to blame to make ourselves feel better. Humans are messy and imperfect. We are capable of evil and extreme kindness all at the same time. It isn’t an all or nothing proposition; it is a both-and idea.

To be clear, I am not excusing people. I am furious about what happened. The people who stormed the Capitol and desecrated it should be punished. When I make a bad decision that causes harm and destruction, I should pay the price for that decision.

If we are going to make change personally and at a societal level, we have to be willing to own the uncomfortable parts of who we are. This summer, I remember walking the dog and listening to Brene Brown’s interview with Ibram X Kendi and he explained how we are awash in racism is it raining from the sky. We are all racist. I can remember exactly where I was when I heard this, and I can remember the extreme relief I felt. It isn’t a moral failing. It isn’t an issue of a good person or a bad person; it just is. I was so stuck in defensiveness in proving ‘this isn’t who I am ‘that I couldn’t move forward to make change. Now months later, I can more easily own where my biases show up. I can question myself and see the ‘otherizing’ of people that I so naturally do. Practicing noticing without judging allows for growth.

But when we stand up and say ‘this is not who we are,’ we ignore the facts. As a society, this is who we are. We all watched it happen live on television. But standing on the moral high ground doesn’t make change.

I don’t have the answers for moving forward with our country that is divided, with systemic racism and bias so rampant it is impossible to ignore. But I do, on both an individual and societal level, know we need to start owning; this is who we are. Because if we don’t change cannot happen.

Show Up. Notice. Appreciate.

Over the past few weeks, I have been in a bit of a mood. In addition to being extra kind to myself, I have been challenging myself to: Show Up. Notice. Appreciate. 

Here is what I mean:

• Reaching out to an old friend to say hi, and I am thinking of you.

• Emailing someone who has inspired you to say thanks

• Recognizing that even though it is your spouse’s turn to cook dinner, you could help him out by getting things started.

• Putting a note in your child’s lunch box.

• Having your wife’s favorite drink poured and ready for her when she walks in the door. (or down the stairs if she is working from home)

• Paying for the coffee for the person behind you.

These are all small, little, seemingly insignificant acts. Yet, I have realized two things about little things.

1. They are often more potent than huge grand gestures.

2. We don’t do them enough.

Last week I received a simple 2-line email from a reader who just said thank you. That’s it. Simple and sweet. That simple email made me smile for days. With that simple gesture, I felt seen, and I felt appreciated. Isn’t that what most of us are looking for to be seen, to be appreciated?

A few days ago, a friend dropped off a Paperwhite bulb in a glass jar with a simple note. Every time I see that bulb sitting on our window sill, I smile, thinking of her.

So I started thinking about #2 above–we don’t do them enough--as I asked myself, why don’t we engage in these small activities more? I think for some of us, we are just too busy, too frazzled, too stressed to even think of the small way we can show up for people. (This is why I have been challenging myself to do it because it helps me move beyond the busy, frazzled, stressed way of being)

AND I think the times that we might come up with a creative, fun, little idea; we talk ourselves out of it by saying, “I don’t want to bother them” or “what will they think?” 

Which I admit is frequently where my thoughts take me, and to that, I say WHAT?!?!? We don’t want to bother someone by noticing them and appreciating them?!?! We are afraid someone might be ‘put off’ by appreciating them. So I present a challenge to us for this holiday season.

First: Show Up. Be present to yourself and those around you.

Second: Notice. Notice those you love, notice people around you, notice the stranger who is struggling or the friend who is succeeding

Finally: Reach Out. Appreciate the little things in those you love.

We don’t need to do something grand or magnificent to help people feel seen and appreciated. Do something little, something caring, something unexpected. Just do something.

Three simple steps. 

Show Up.

Notice.

Appreciate.