Self Shame: What Is It, Why You Do It, And How To Deal With It
Self shame is something that we all struggle with and at times, we can feel like we’re in an endless battle with our anxiety and inner self-critic. Constantly shaming and belittling ourselves stops us from being able to bloom into our potential and achieve all the things we want to do.
If you have struggled with the torment of constantly shaming yourself, then you’re probably longing for a way to improve your self shame and stop shame spirals that can last for days, weeks, maybe even years.
I’m here to tell you your self shame doesn’t have to last forever. By identifying where it comes from, we can figure out how to deal with shame and stop the shame spiral for good.
What Is Self Shame?
To understand what self shame is, you have to understand what self shame isn’t. Many people assume that self shame is the same thing as guilt, but in reality, shame and guilt are two very different things. Guilt is when you did something wrong and you feel remorseful because of it. Shame is when you feel like there’s something wrong with you and is often a side effect of high functioning anxiety (HFA).
Shame and anxiety go hand in hand. A lot of times, our self shaming is a direct result of our anxious thoughts that make us hyperfixate on the negative and over critique ourselves by pointing out every bad thing we can find. We can become so blinded by our shame that we can’t see any of the good things in ourselves.
Why Do You Shame Yourself?
There are plenty of different reasons why we shame ourselves. A lot of the time, the shame we feel can stem from the shame we received from someone else.
Take children for example: infants and babies tend to make impulsive decisions that aren’t well thought out just because they don't know any better. It’s not until children are older and more developed that they start to understand the impact of their actions. For children in abusive or toxic households, they probably experienced a lot of shame from an early age, which likely carried with them into adulthood.
But troubles during childhood are not the only reason why you might be shaming yourself. While past childhood traumas can impact our anxieties today, there are a number of other reasons why we shame ourselves:
1. A loud self-critic
Our inner critic is at odds with us all the time. In my work as an anxiety coach, I call this voice the Monger. When our inner critic becomes overly belittling, mean, and negative, it is referred to as negative self talk. Negative self talk is the negative critiques we give ourselves. Maybe you shame your body and your abilities, or shame yourself when you aren’t able to accomplish something. These are all examples of how our inner self-critic can use negative self talk to shame ourselves.
Even if you’re able to calm your Monger during the day, it can come out at night with a vengeance and cause you to lay awake at night consumed with negative thoughts about yourself. For many of my clients, their self-critic can be so loud it causes insomnia that affects their day to day ability to function.
2. Rejection from others
Whether it be from friends, family, colleagues, romantic partners, or even complete strangers, rejection can sting. Rejection is a part of life and something we’ll all have to deal with, but we still see it as a direct reflection of who we are even though in most cases, it has nothing to do with us. We tend to imagine the worst reasons why someone may have rejected us and focus on the negatives about ourselves. Most of the time these are imagined and the self shame we place on ourselves is far worse than the rejection from others.
3. Self esteem issues
Shame can be triggered by our low self esteem. When we tell ourselves we aren’t “good enough” we open the door to shaming ourselves and making our self esteem even worse. If you struggle with self esteem issues, you’re probably lacking the confidence to stop the constant shaming and tell yourself that you are good enough.
Lack of self esteem can trigger us to give into cycles of shame and indulgence, where we procrastinate or do things that we know are bad for us and then beat ourselves up because we couldn’t resist the temptation.
Letting Go Of Shame
We all have different experiences that play a role in how we shame ourselves. That’s why it’s so important to identify where your shame is coming from. Once you do that, you can start taking the right steps towards figuring out how you can deal with and get rid of shame.
1. Don’t hold your emotions in
For most of us with high functioning anxiety, we like to think that we’re able to shut our emotions off on command. When we’re feeling overwhelmed with an emotion, we push it down and refuse to recognize emotions or work through it. If we’re not careful, these emotions can build up so much that we lash out in anger, breakdown, or stay awake at night just feeling. Holding in these pent up emotions can eventually lead to us losing control over our ability to keep them suppressed and can seriously derail our lives if we let it.
2. Identify what triggers you
Our triggered emotions can usually be linked back to something that someone said or did, and sometimes the culprit is our own anxious thoughts. If you can recognize the source that triggers the emotions you feel in the moment, then you can prepare yourself for when that source tries to trigger you again. For help identifying triggered emotions, I typically use a tool called A.S.K. which teaches my clients how to identify and recognize their emotions.
3. Be kind to yourself and know your worth
Life is hard enough on its own, and it can be even harder when our self shame kicks it into overdrive with negative critiques and hurtful thoughts about ourselves. We tend to talk to ourselves in a more negative, hurtful way than how we would even talk to others. One of the best ways to build confidence and boost your self esteem is to be kind and patient with yourself. Know your worth and be as loyal to yourself as you are to others.
4. Talk to an anxiety coach
Figuring out where our shame is coming from and then setting a plan in motion to deal with it is not an easy thing to do, especially when our shame is the very thing blinding us from finding the truth. One of the best ways to deal with self shame is to talk to an experienced anxiety coach. With help from an anxiety coach, you can learn healthy and productive ways to improve your self shame.
Work With An Anxiety Coach To Improve Self Shame
Don’t let your self shame stop you from gaining the confidence you need to achieve your goals. You can still get your life back on track no matter how long you’ve dealt with it.
As an anxiety coach, I work to help you figure out why you’re shaming yourself so we can make a plan tailored to stopping your self shame. My coaching services offer a one-on-one approach so we can really dig deep and find a solution.
I also have a self-guided course that covers the impacts of anxiety on mental health and how it could be feeding into your self shame. Check out my course to learn more about overcoming your shame.