Negative Self Talk: What It Is and How to Stop It
Working as an anxiety coach, I have become all too familiar with the inner voice. That little voice we hear in our heads can be helpful at times, like when it kindly motivates us to keep working hard towards our goals. Many times though, that inner voice can have a dark side too.
When our inner critic becomes overly belittling, mean, and negative, it is referred to as negative self talk. Years ago, when I first wrote my book The Happier Approach, I called this internal negative voice the Monger, because she is spreading negative propaganda about us.
Negative self talk refers to the negative critiques we give ourselves. Maybe you shame your body or your abilities, maybe your mind tells you that you’re not good enough. These are all examples of how our inner voice can be negative self talk.
Constant trash talk and negative self reflection takes a toll on mental health, and the longer you avoid dealing with it, the worse it will get.
The Monger is one of the main symptoms of high functioning anxiety and one of the most common reasons my clients eventually seek help. It can drive you to self-sabotage, repeat the same mistakes over and over, or even run yourself so ragged you end up hospitalized from exhaustion.
Negative self talk can manifest into a life of overwhelming emotions and exhaustion, frankly it can make us totally miserable, if it isn’t worked through. You may think “There’s nothing I can do to change it, I’m always going to have to deal with negative self talk.” I’m here to tell you, you don’t have to!
I help people that struggle with overwhelming bad self talk to build loyalty with themselves, recognize emotions and learn how to combat those pesky inner voices. In my course, I cover how to conquer the Monger as well as the other voices that show up in our minds, especially for those showing signs of high functioning anxiety.
What Is Negative Self Talk?
Negative self talk refers to the voice in your head that convinces you that you need to be criticized and ridiculed in order to accomplish your goals. The challenge is we believe negative self talk is why we are successful. In reality it is the opposite.
The Monger is the voice that is constantly playing in your head, sharing all the ways you failed, could have been better and messed up. She tells you you’re not enough, you’re no good, you’re not worth it. The problem is we believe we need her to accomplish our goals and without her harassing us on a daily basis we would be lazy, do-nothing blobs binge watching Netflix and eating donuts on the couch.
While you look like you have it together on the outside, there’s a voice on the inside telling you the exact opposite. After a while, this combination of constant negative self-talk takes a toll on your mental health.
Repeatedly trash-talking yourself creates unwanted stress for you and others around you. You’re on edge constantly because your mind won’t let you rest from all of the negative self talk. What’s worse is that these hurtful thoughts hinder you from believing in yourself and taking risks. This can have long lasting effects on both you and your mental health.
Negative Self Talk Examples
Negative self talk can come in many forms and references an array of topics. You might not even be aware of your negative self talk in other areas of your life. Here are some negative self talk examples:
“I’ll never be good enough”
“I can’t do anything right”
“No one cares about me”
“I’ll never be successful”
Negative self talk can also refer to physical features…
“I’m so ugly.”
“I hate how my body looks.”
“I wish [insert body feature] was smaller/bigger.”
“I would look better if I did this.”
….or when we compare ourselves to others.
“I’ll never be as successful as them.”
“I wish I looked more like her.”
“They always have everything figured out and I never do.”
“I would be happier with his life.”
Sound familiar?
How to Help Negative Self Talk
1. Be aware of your emotions
Being aware of our emotions and why we’re feeling anxious is an important step to identifying where your anxiety is coming from. We’ve been taught that the only emotion we should have is happiness. But in reality we experience lots of different emotions. Acknowledging your feelings (even the unpleasant ones) is key to decreasing your negative self talk. Giving yourself permission to acknowledge your emotions is counter to the message of the Monger which is why it is the first step in helping negative self talk.
2. Slow down and get into your body
When we experience a lot of negative self talk we get stuck in our heads. When you notice your Monger talking, take a pause and do a full body movement--stretch, dance, wiggle, reach up to the sky, touch your toes. Getting into your body allows you to get out of your head and remember you are a living breathing human being--not a machine.
3. Challenge yourself to see a bigger picture.
Negative self talk usually takes place in vague generalities so challenge yourself to get specific. If you start thinking “I will never be successful” challenge yourself to define what success looks like to you and what are the baby steps you need to take to achieve your goals. Then kindly start taking those steps.
4. Be patient with yourself
Be patient and compassionate with yourself. After all, nobody else knows what you’re going through besides you. It’s okay to give yourself a break sometimes, and can actually be a great way to improve negative self talk.
5. Talk to an anxiety coach
Figuring out why you’re anxious can be hard to do on our own and sometimes we need a third party perspective. Working with an anxiety coach to figure out where your anxiety is coming from will help you determine a way to quiet the intrusive thoughts you have.
Learn How to Stop Your Negative Self Talk
Negative self talk is hard to overcome on your own. Anxiety can make you feel like you’re alone or like the negative self talk will never actually end. I’m here to tell you that you are not alone and your negative self talk can be helped.
As an anxiety coach, I work with clients to figure out where negative words about self are coming from and make a game plan that will help address those thoughts so you can learn how to overcome negative self talk on your own. My coaching services offer a more one on one approach and are tailored to your specific needs.
I also have a self-guided course that covers our internal voices, including how to stop negative self-talk, reduce overindulgence and self-destructive voices, and the voices we should be listening to more. Check out my course to learn more about how you can start getting control of negative self talk.