The Problem Isn't Your Lack of Motivation

Recently, I had a client sit down for our session and, with a heavy sigh, lament, "I just need to get motivated." She had recently lost her job, was in a transition, and had many things she wanted to get done during this time. But she struggled to get up out of bed in the morning and get going with her day. Her list was LONG, but her motivation was short. This lament is a frequent one of my clients; maybe you can relate. There is a lot you want/should/need to accomplish in your life, but at the end of the day, you just feel lazy and stuck in a rut. So what do you do? You set a goal; you set up a reward system. You hammer yourself into submission. Because somewhere, you learned that the harder you are on yourself, the more productive you will be.

The problem is that over time, these ideas usually fail. Why is that? Why is it most of the time, goals fail us? Goals inspire us to do new things and accomplish tasks and live our dreams. So it isn't so much the goals themselves; it is our approach to the goals.

Here are some ideas to look at when approaching your goals and a way to approach motivation differently.

Let's say your goal is to walk 30 minutes every day.

Telling yourself how much you suck is not motivating.

Goals are fantastic, but when we set a goal to get us to feel like we suck less, it is hard to motivate. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself about a goal. When we set a goal to 'fix ourselves,' it usually doesn't go over well. When compassion is missing from our self-talk, goals won't work. The goal to walk 30 minutes a day is good for your health and heart. But your motivation for doing it is because you are fat and out of shape and need to get in line, or you will be old and frail. Your motivation comes from lack; you are fat and out of shape, so you must walk every day to be a good person. That is a hard message to motivate around. If your self-talk is true, you are already fat and out of shape, so who cares if you walk or not?!?! This negative shaming talk isn't motivational. Changing a habit to walk every day for 30 minutes is a hard habit to change when the whole time you are telling yourself how fat and out of shape you are.

Ask yourself, why is this goal important?

And dig for the answer.

Your first answer is probably going to be a little negative:

• "Because I am fat and out of shape, and walking 30 minutes a day is what they recommend."

Dig a little deeper. What's the more personal answer? How does this goal fit your values?

• Because I want to play with my kids/grandkids and not be so out of shape.

• Because we are headed to Disney World, and I want to enjoy my time and not worry about walking

• Because I enjoy being outdoors and miss exercise.

• Because I feel better when I move my body.

When you dig deep, you unearth the real motivations that fit your values. These motivations can be used when you are full of excuses for not doing the walk.

Ask yourself why you DON'T want to do this goal?

This question is tricky, and I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but trust me. Again dig deep. An easy answer is:

• Because I am fat and out of shape and walking will be hard and painful at first.

But keep going.

• I am afraid to have all that time just to let my thoughts wander.

• What if I fail?

• What if I don't feel any better?

• I don't want to get up early because I lack enough sleep already.

By asking why you don't want to do this goal, you start noticing your resistance. When you pay attention to the resistance, you can deal with it productively. This step is frequently the part we miss. We diminish our resistance by willing ourselves out of it. We tell ourselves, I SHOULD NOT feel any resistance because this is a good goal. When we hear resistance, then we need to have more grace and compassion. When we can pay attention to the resistance, we can set accomplishable goals based on where we are right now.

For example: If we are resistant to waking up and immediately heading out the door to walk then, we decide to walk during our lunch break. And if we are resistant to walking at lunch because we will be too sweaty, then we choose to walk before dinner every night. And if we are resistant that when we get home, we are too exhausted, we can look at all three options and see which is the most doable, or we decide we are going to walk for 15 minutes at lunch and 15 minutes before dinner.

Or, if you are afraid of letting your thoughts wander and get anxious about all that 'time,' then pick out a few podcasts or books on tape that you can listen to.

When we look at resistance, we can then create goals that fit us. They aren't as narrow or fixed. Our goals have more expansiveness. This question also opens up to what lies underneath the goal—fear of failure, fear of success, fear of change. When we are aware of our resistance, we can give ourselves more grace and compassion as we embark on change. We can say, yes, I might fail, and fear of change is ok, AND I am going to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

A final reminder, compassion does not mean 'excuses.'

So often, I hear, "if I give myself, compassion I won't do it. I will just stay in bed." Well, compassion doesn't mean you always get a pass. The opposite of beating yourself up for not walking isn't not walking at all. The opposite is walking while honoring that it is uncomfortable and hard. Compassion means you honor where you are.

• You honor that you don't want to get up.

• You honor that you are afraid of failing.

• You honor the voice in your head that says how much you suck and kindly ask it to move along.

When you do that, it makes getting out of bed that much easier because what is meeting you on the other side isn't some mean bully telling you how much you suck but rather a loving, kind friend telling you, 'hey, I know this is hard, but we can do it."

Beating yourself into submission and calling it motivation will not work. The only way to change your behavior is to honor what comes up and move through it.

As I said to my client, you don't need more motivation; you need more compassion.

How Do You Feel Your Feelings?

Whenever I lead a stress management workshop, one of the themes I talk about is feeling your feelings. Anxiety creates "a buzz" that keeps us protected from our emotions. We convince ourselves that feeling anxious, worrying about the to-do list, or being a better person is WAY better than dealing with the actual pain we are feeling. Anxiety masks what is going on; it allows us to 'get high' on the safe, numb aspects of our life and keeps us blissfully unaware of the real pain that is there. You can read more about the theory here: detoxifying from worry.

Inevitably, I will get resistance from the audience about the idea of feeling our feelings. It goes something like this, "If I paid attention to my feelings all the time and talked about them all the time, my conversations would be nothing but loss and depression. And I don't want to get stuck there." I totally get it. It was just a few months ago I said to my nearest and dearest, "How am I suppose to feel all these feelings AND live my life!?"

There is no absolute in feelings. There is no RIGHT. If you look at psychology advice around feelings, you will hear everything from feel all your feelings through to their end, so don't let your feelings control you. And I believe that advice comes out of the two extreme ways that people deal with their feelings:

Type 1: Lives in denial. They appear happy, content and tend to have a smile on their face most of the time. If you look deeper, denial tends to be the name of the game. They rarely express emotion and tend to be anxious, using many numbing devices to deal with said emotions (drinking, eating, TV watching, playing video games, etc.

Type 2:  Lives in their emotions. They express how they feel, whether through constant sharing, bouts of anger, or crying jags. They are very aware of how they feel and tend to get stuck in one emotion or the other (e.g., anger or sadness). Their emotions control them, so they lose control in meetings or have trouble getting things done due to fear or sadness.

The danger comes when you ping between the two extremes of Type 1 and Type 2. Sometimes when individuals stay in Type 1 for too long, they will bounce to Type 2 for a period just so the feelings have a way to express themselves.

So to the people who live in denial about their feelings, we give the advice, "Feel your feelings," and to the people who feel everything, we say, "take action, get out of your feelings." And what tends to happen is we take the advice that we are already doing. So Type 1 continues just to take action, and Type 2 continues to feel their feelings.

So what should you do? Pay attention and breathe. Know yourself. Which of these two extremes is your preference? If you are a denial fan, start taking the time to listen to those feelings more often. If you give too much awareness to your feelings, start putting them aside to take some small actions.

You can learn to deal with your emotions in a healthy way rather than making the choice to expressing them inappropriately all the time. We can get stuck, either way, stuck in feelings or stuck in denial. The point of living happier is to get unstuck.

As I tell my audiences, with any grief or pain or loss, you can't 'stay in it' all the time. You have to pull out for your sanity and the sanity of those around you. AND you can't 'stay out' all the time. You have to cry, grieve, and be angry at the appropriate times.

 Bottom line---feelings are challenging.

Here are ways to deal with your feelings:

• Throughout the day, acknowledge what you are feeling--just notice it. You don't have to express it or share it, just be aware of it. When we bring awareness to the feelings, they lose some steam, which is helpful for both types.

• After you acknowledge it and notice it and it has lost some steam. Ask yourself, is there something I want to DO to express this emotion, e.g., lovingly confront someone, write a letter, talk to a friend, do something physical.

• When the feelings get too much, do something physical--if you are happy; dance, if you are angry; throw some old dishes. If you are sad, ask for a hug or cry.

• Have safe people you can talk to about your emotions.

• Remember, there is no RIGHT way. There is just knowing yourself. If you are being honest with yourself and accepting of yourself, you are doing an awesome job! Remember, you are doing the best you can with what you have right now.

The Two Lies that are Stressing You Out

I wanted to write about the most important relationship you have—the one with yourself.

Our Monger is a contributor to why we are stressed out. A key to working with the inner critic is having self-compassion. If you work with me, you will hear me say the words "compassion, compassion, compassion." The longer I do this work and the more I implement it, I know that this work is useless without self-compassion. Real change only comes when we love ourselves first. If we can't give ourselves compassion, we will always be in a cycle of people-pleasing, perfectionism, lack of boundaries, etc.

Not surprisingly, when I bring up the idea of compassion, I get a lot of pushback from people. There are two lies that we tell ourselves when it comes to self-compassion.

1. Self-Compassion means I am lazy. If I didn't hammer myself, I wouldn't get anything done.

2. If I practice Self-Compassion, I will always give myself the easy way out.

We have swallowed the belief we are inherently lazy, so we need to hammer constantly ourselves to accomplish anything. Without this hammer, we will become Netflix binging, chocolate-eating, lazy assholes. Here's the thing: When we go to war with ourselves, we are saying, 'You are a fat, lazy slob who can't accomplish anything without a good ass whooping!!!"

What a hostile way to live!!

NO wonder we are stressed out and exhausted...we are at constant war with ourselves. Honestly, we are innately good, loving, kind individuals. We are not robots, we are not perfect, and we are not infallible. We are human beings. So yes, sometimes we need a Netflix, binge-watching, chocolate-eating Saturday afternoon. Here's a radical idea: the more we give ourselves love and compassion, the more we will accomplish stuff. 

The truth is there are tasks and responsibilities. Stuff we HAVE to do, and sometimes we HAVE to do it when we don't want to. Practicing self-compassion doesn't mean we always give ourselves a pass or take the easy way out (myth #2). Compassion means we don't hammer ourselves into doing a task.

Because we believe lie #1, we hammer ourselves so hard that we are exhausted, insecure, and beaten up. So then our response is to give a giant 'f-you' to our inner critic, so we go the opposite way, and we give ourselves a HUGE pass. We watch too much TV, overeat and drink too much. We over-indulge in the name of 'self-compassion. But that is a bastardized version of self-compassion because those 'too much' behaviors aren't healthy. They aren't KIND to ourselves. If we were kind to ourselves, we would enjoy that stuff in moderation. We wouldn't need to overindulge because we wouldn't be giving a giant 'f-you" to our inner critic.

As I write this post, it is a Saturday morning. Honestly, the last place I want to be today is writing, but I have a lot of work to accomplish today. I have reserved today to do a lot of writing because I will be out of the office next week enjoying time with my family. So today is the only day I can check a lot of stuff off my list. I HAVE to do this work today, or I will face serious consequences. In other words, binge-watching, chocolate eating is not in my future for today.

But here is the difference between me practicing self-compassion and me hammering myself.

7:30 am

Me: Ugh, I don't want to work today. I wish I could curl up on the couch and read a good book all day.

Critic: Ok, girl, if you don't get up and at it right away, you won't get anything done--no relaxation for you, up and at your computer ASAP.

Self-Compassion: You have a lot to do today so let's start the day with a good breakfast, and you can watch one TV show you enjoy, but in exchange, you have to be in the office by 9:30.

9:45 am

Me: Well, l missed the deadline. I am just now getting to the office

Critic: Yep, you suck. I told you that you were a lazy asshole. Now you are going to be behind all day.

Self-Compassion. That's ok. Just buckle down and get this done. Let's turn off all the distractions and just concentrate on writing.

10:30 am

Me: Oh, let's check email--maybe I got an email. Oh, my cat looks so cute. Let me take a picture and post it on social media.

Critic: There you go again. You just can't be trusted. You are going to be so far behind you will NEVER get this done.

Self-Compassion: ok, what's going on? are you stuck? Why don't you want to write? We have our topics. We have the outline; you just need to do it. Let's write non-stop for 10 minutes, and then you can take a break.

11:00am

Me: Wow! that time when faster than I thought, I finished my article. Now I am going to grab some water and start on the next thing.

Self-Compassion: Nice work! Only four more things to do. We can get this stuff done and read today too!

See the difference? My self-compassionate voice is still encouraging me to get things done rather than being at war with myself. It is a teammate. It isn't giving me a free pass; it isn't telling me to take the day off. It is lovingly encouraging me to do what is best for me, which is to get my work done to enjoy my vacation and enjoy a good book once I finish everything on my list.

When Positive Thinking Becomes a Bully

Recently, I saw a quote that said something about the fact that we should stop talking about our problems and just talk about our joys, followed by the statement, "Let's stop trauma sharing." This post made my blood boil. Because from my perspective, yes, sharing our joys is a wonderful practice, but you know what we need to do more: share what's going on in our lives, both the joy and the challenges. We need to be honest with ourselves and stop berating ourselves into thinking positively all the time.

Finally, you have some peace!! You are on your way to meet a friend for coffee. Driving your car solo, you start reflecting on your life, you notice the tightening of your chest and your stomach flip as you think about:

• Your Dad, who was diagnosed with cancer.

• The upcoming presentation you have to give and your terror of public speaking.

• Your husband's announcement that he is getting a bad feeling about work and might lose his job.

• The failure of your weight loss resolution and the extra 20 lbs that make everything tighter and uncomfortable

Wow, you think, I have a lot going on, and you practice digging deeper underneath the anxiety to the emotions and then uprises that nasty "think positive" monger.

• "WOW, aren't you a crybaby? You think you have it tough! Get it together."

• "Everyone loses a father. You aren't the only one suffering."

• "You can't lose it now. Everyone is counting on you."

• "Don't let them see you sweat."

• "Suck it up and get back out there!"

Ouch! That is some nasty self-talk. This voice is what I call the bully of Positive Thinking. Positive thinking is designed to help us feel better, not to shame and belittle us. When it becomes a way that we bully ourselves, we need to take notice. 

So, you walk into the local coffee shop greet your friend. After fancy coffees are purchased, hugs are exchanged, and you settle in to chat. At your insistence, your friend goes first and starts sharing her stress with her kids, aging parents, diet disasters, and work dynamics. With each story, you nod your head and express heartfelt empathy and compassion. You completely support her and would do anything to help.

You think to yourself, "Wow, she has it tough, and she is so strong. I so admire her strength and openness about her life." And then your positive thinking bully shows up, "No one wants to hear about your stupid problems, compared to her, your problems are nothing. Quit complaining and be grateful." 

So, despite your respect for her truth-telling, when it gets to be your turn to share, rather than unloading your various stressors, you share benign anecdotes about your life. Throughout the conversation, your friend prompts you, "how is your dad?"; "are the kids doing ok? and "how's work?" To which you provide a neutral answer.

At the end of the 'coffee date,' your friend walks away feeling refreshed and re-energized, she is a little concerned that you never share anything with her, but she knows that is just you. You leave feeling more drained than when you got there because you didn't share a thing and hammered yourself the whole time in the spirit of positive thinking.

I know I have been guilty of such behavior in the past. A part of me would blame my friend for not listening to me or not being supportive when I never even gave her a chance to try to help!!

One of the best ways to decrease your anxiety is to share your truth (both the joys and the challenges) with trusted people. Notice in the example you didn't judge your friend or think she was weak. In fact, you thought she was strong for sharing her story. But on the way there, you believed all your mongers who told you to be strong, don't share, suck it up, etc.

Ironically, we respect and admire when other people share their vulnerability and openness but ridicule it in ourselves. Letting go of anxiety requires opening up and sharing with yourself and others the truth.

The fact that you are constantly thinking about your Dad.

The fact that if your husband loses his job, you will freak out!!

The fact that you regularly feel like a crappy mom even though you are trying so hard.

To have your story witnessed, to have a friend across the table nodding and agreeing with every sentence. Nothing is as amazing and anxiety-busting as having a friend hold your hand and nod their head and say, "I get it! That is so hard! What do you need?"

Positive thinking is awesome, but not when it keeps us away from owning our truth and sharing it with those closest to us.

One of the hardest things to do is share our truth. The first rule is to pick someone safe, someone who knows you and understands how hard it is for you to share. Then ease into it, share something sensitive but not SUPER sensitive, something vulnerable but not TOO vulnerable, and allow them to support you. Allow them to catch you, to give you space and love. Allow them to be there for you.

Life is challenging. We all have stressors. Positive thinking is not going to make those go away. The ONLY way we will Live Happier through life's journey is to open up and honestly share our struggles and joys with other safe people. The more we hold back our truth, the more we get stuck in our pain and the more miserable we will be.

7 Common Mantras: What is YOUR Inner Critic's Mantra?

I want to dive a little deeper into what that means and specifically into the key step of building awareness of our Monger.

There are a couple of themes I want you to remember when it comes to Monger.

1. Her intention is not evil. Her intention is to protect us and keep us safe. Safe from making a mistake, disappointing someone, or getting hurt.

2. Her method of enforcing this intention is the problem. She uses shame, belittling, and berating, which is not helpful and, unfortunately, ends up making us feel worse.

Usually, our Monger is put into place when we are kids. It could be something as significant as being smacked across the face for lying by an abusive parent. Or something as minor as being corrected by a teacher for crossing against the light. The HOW, your Monger, got there is not as important as WHAT it is afraid of.

Our Monger is a bully. And as with all bullies, she is acting out of fear. Fear that a boss will criticize you, fear that you will look stupid, or fear that we will be imperfect. When we try something new or take a risk (no matter how small), our Monger gets scared for us and resorts to the only methods she knows: shaming, belittling, and mean. So although her exterior is TOUGH and NASTY, her interior is sensitive and soft.

When we go after our Monger using her methods, it rarely works. It rarely works to tell your Monger to "Shut Up" because our Monger (as much as we hate to admit it) is a piece of us that, although well-intentioned, treat us poorly. Our job is to calm down that part of us just like we would a misbehaving child. We wouldn't shame a child into submission, so we aren't going to shame ourselves into submission.

To determine WHAT our Monger is most afraid of, we have to start building awareness—noticing when our Monger comes out and plays the most. There tend to be some common areas where our Monger chimes in with her Monger Mantra. Below are the type of beliefs and mantras I see most frequently. Within each Monger mantra, there is a kernel (usually very, very small) of truth. So I have included your compassionate response to the Monger and, where appropriate, acknowledging the kernel of truth.

Perfectionist:

Monger's Belief: I can protect you by making sure you always get it right.

Monger's Mantra: You have to get it done perfectly." "Mistakes are for losers." "If you can't do it right, don't do it."

Your Compassionate Truth: Being perfect would be incredible, but it is impossible. There is no right way. Learning from my mistakes can help me grow and become stronger.

Keeping Up with the Jones:

Monger's Belief: I can protect you by making sure you are always keeping up. To find the measuring stick to success, you have to look around and see what others are doing.

Monger's Mantra: "Look at so and so, you will never be as cool as her." "So and So has it all figured out, too bad you will never be like her."

Your Compassionate Truth: Looking at other people can give me new ideas/inspiration for my life. But comparing my insides to someone else's outsides will be an accurate image.

Task Junkie:

Monger's Belief: I can protect you by keeping you on task. The only way to keep others from seeing how lazy you are is to stay in perpetual motion.

Monger's Belief: "You are a lazy, stupid, procrastinating fool, so you had better get everything done, or THEY will find out."

Your Compassionate Truth: I am not a lazy person. Finishing the to-do list will never satisfy me because there will always be more to do. I am more motivated by celebrating my small successes rather than always falling short.

Impulse Controller:

Monger's Belief: I can protect you by making sure you don't engage in indulgent behavior. Without me, you would eat everything in sight, drink everything in sight or spend all your money. I am here to protect you from yourself.

Monger's Belief: "You are a fat, alcoholic, broke loser who requires a lot of shame to keep you and your impulses in line."

Your Compassionate Truth: Yes, sometimes I overindulge, but that doesn't make me a fat loser. Overindulgence is not a reason to beat me up. It is a red flag that shows me I need some extra love somewhere because I am trying to fill a hole with food or shopping.

People Pleaser:

Monger's Belief: I can protect you by making sure everyone likes you.  If that requires running yourself ragged, overanalyzing every situation to make sure others are happy, or beating yourself up for being inconsiderate, so be it.

Monger's Belief: "You can only find peace when other people are happy."

Your Compassionate Truth: I do get a high from pleasing other people, but I know that pleasing everyone else to the detriment of myself will not make me happy. I need to take care of myself, and those that love me will understand that.

Vigilance Guru

Monger's Belief: The world is unsafe, and you will always be hurt, so my job is to keep you safe and protected. I will always scan the world for threats and constantly tell you the bad things that will happen.

Monger's Belief: "Everything you do is dangerous, less risk=more reward" "Your best bet is to stay small and safe."

Your Compassionate Truth: Yes, the world is unsafe. But I don't want to live in constant fear. Embracing measured risk is the only way to live an engaged life.

Mistaker Keeper

Monger's Belief: I can protect you by never forgetting all the mistakes you have made in the past and reminding you of them. By guilting you for everything, you have ever done wrong; you won't make that same mistake again.

Monger's Mantra "Remember that time you...."

Your Compassionate Truth: Mistakes happen because I am human, and all I can do is admit my mistake, ask for forgiveness, forgive myself and move on.

Over the next week, pay attention to your Monger's messages. Just notice how often your Monger chimes in and how it makes you feel. 

Your Inner Critic: Why is it Always Winning?

 Hands down, one of the biggest obstacles to Living Happier is that nasty voice inside our heads. I call this voice the Monger.

According to the dictionary, a Monger:  "is a person who promotes a specified activity, situation, or feeling, especially one that is undesirable or discreditable." 

Our Monger tells us how much we suck. We are total failures, terrible parents, worthless employees, and all-around a loser of a person. (Sound a little harsh? Listen to yourself one of these days, and I bet I am not too far off.)

In addition to making us miserable, the Monger causes our anxiety to increase, leave us exhausted and frustrated, and she keeps us stuck and immobilized.

The truth is the Monger isn't the enemy. It isn't a bitch or an evil part of us. The Monger's job is to keep us safe. Her sole mission is to scan the environment for any potential harm, risk, or danger and protect us from it. The mission is a positive one; it is her method of completing this task that is the problem. She prefers to use shame, belittling, guilt, and negativity to convince us that she is here to motivate and protect us.

The thing is, the Monger is a tricky little foe. The Monger tends to go unchecked, and we believe everything the Monger says without question. Even when we have the best intentions, she engages us in a battle of wills, and unless we are aware, she will usually win.

Here is an illustration of what goes wrong when we deal with our Mongers.

Step One: Build Awareness: You start building awareness of when you hear the Monger's voice. As you are building this awareness and hearing the Monger, you engage in conversations like this:

Monger: "Way to go, you just blew that phone call! What were you thinking telling the client you could get that job done in 10 days! There is no way! You are an idiot."

You: "I know, I am an idiot. I am just going to have to work harder to get it done. I always over-promise and then get myself in a mess."
"OMG, There I go again, listening to my Monger's voice. I am such an idiot. I should be able to kick her ass. Why am I still listening to her? Oh my gosh, she just keeps winning!! Why am I letting her control me? I am so stupid" (And probably a few more curse words in there.)

See what happened there? In the spirit of building awareness of the Monger's voice, you end up belittling yourself every time you hear it.

You realize the idea is to be more loving and appreciative of yourself, not belittling, so you move on to:

Step Two: Try thinking positive and being grateful

You: "I am so negative about myself. I should be happier. I have so many things to be grateful for. I need to concentrate on those things and stop being so whiny about my life. Oh my gosh, I am so negative; even when I tell myself to be positive, I am negative! What an idiot I am. Let's try again. Well, I am grateful for my job."

Monger: "Well, you'd better be grateful because you are going to lose it if they ever catch on to how bad you are at your job."

You: "Yep, you are right, I'd better take some work home tonight, so I can get ahead and hit the deadline."

Again the Monger won by telling you even when you are trying to be grateful how much you suck.

And then eventually it moves to:

Step Three: Actually, I think I need the Monger

You: "I mean, what would happen if I didn't have this voice telling me what to do. The Monger keeps me on task, helps me be successful, and gives me a high standard to reach." I am grateful for my drive, for my need to do it well. If it weren't for the Monger, I wouldn't be half as successful as I am."

Monger: "Yep, you have a lot to get done today, and you have wasted a lot of time. Better get cracking and quit being such a whiner."

You: "Ok, I will tell my husband we can't watch that movie tonight because I have to get some work done."

And there you are back to where you started from, with the Monger winning and you working late.

So what are you supposed to do? How can you deal with this very tricky foe?

There are three keys:

1. Compassion

2. Awareness

3. Truth

Compassion: We will never quiet our Monger without compassion for ourselves. The bottom line, you can never have enough self-compassion.

Awareness:  Build awareness of your Monger with compassion. In a misguided attempt to keep you safe, the Monger is a part of you who treats you like crap. So when we yell, belittle or rationalize the Monger, it just gets louder and more belittling. So start noticing when you Monger is talking and when you simply say, "Wow, there you are again, you know I appreciate your help, and I don't need you today."

After my Monger had spent the morning hammering me, I stood in the kitchen and said, "Stop, that's it, Monger, I will not be dragged down today, so simmer down because I have work to do."

That might happen once a day, and it might happen 50 times a day. Building awareness with compassion takes time.

Honor the Truth with Compassion Your Monger might have some truth to what she is saying. In the example above, maybe you did overpromise on a deadline. Maybe you did underestimate how long something will take. Here's the kicker, just because you did something wrong and made a mistake DOES NOT MEAN YOU DESERVE TO BE BELITTLED AND SHAMED. When we own the truth, we can then move on and make appropriate changes. We can make amends or learn how to do it differently for next time. We can honor that we aren't perfect, and we make mistakes. We don't need to be shamed and belittled for being human. 

Remember: the goal isn't to silence the inner critic. The goal is to build strategies, so the inner critic isn't controlling you. You are building discernment and knowing when the Monger is serving you or not.

The Danger in the Phrase "Well, They Have it Worse"

Here are some common phrases I hear when it comes to sadness:

"Well, so and so has it so much worse, I can't complain." (Left unspoken: I mean I am buried under so much grief and pain, but I don't think anyone cares, so I better just suck it up)

"At least I am not so and so. I can't imagine what they are going through." (Left unspoken: because I am struggling here and feel like a loser because it is so hard)

"I SHOULD be grateful at least we don't have it as bad as so and so" (Left unspoken: I am grateful for my life, and I don't want to be dealing with this other issue that is hard)

"Complaining doesn't do you any good...just need to keep soldiering on." (Left unspoken: Soldiering on is all I know to do because again no one really cares...I mean, I haven't shared it with anyone, but I know they won't care)

"My life is great (left unspoken...I mean, I am miserable and hate getting out of bed), but from the outside, my life looks great."

I hear these quotes every day from my friends, clients, and family. And my first thought is, when is it bad enough to complain? When do we get to sit down and just cry our eyes out, lose our sh*t and feel the pain?

When someone dies?

When someone has major pain and then dies?

When someone is disabled, has major pain, and then dies?

When someone is disabled, has major pain, has dementia, and then dies?

Here's the thing, someone ALWAYS has it worse. If you look long enough and hard enough, you will find someone else with a worse story, more suffering, and more pain.

Since when is our ability to feel sadness, grief, and pain contingent on the severity of the problem?

Somewhere along the line, we convinced ourselves that we are polite by not sharing our suffering, and I will call BS on that.

We aren't polite; we are silently suffering. We are hiding our pain, fear, and sadness in the guise of polite. Polite doesn't protect us from pain; it doesn't keep the suffering away (from us or anyone else). It doesn't even protect us from being vulnerable.

Here is one thing I know for sure, believe me, I do not want this fact to be true: If we don't experience our pain, it will show up over and over again until we deal with it. We carry our unexpressed grief and pain with us, and it comes back and gets compounded with every new grief and loss. It oozes out in our anxiety and stress; it shows up in our backaches and stomachaches. It appears in our drinking of a glass or 3 of wine and our eating of a bag of chips.

Emotions are like a bad penny. We can't get rid of them unless we acknowledge them, share them and shower them with compassion.

It is OK to be scared, angry, or sad REGARDLESS if you believe someone else has it worse. You ignoring your pain does NOTHING to soothe theirs. You ignoring your pain doesn't make you feel more gratitude, feel better or help anyone ever.

So let's stop belittling our stories and everyone else's. Let's stop comparing our pain. Let's stop being so damn polite. Next time you hear yourself or anyone else says one of those statements above.

• Remind them it is OK to feel sad.

• Remind them not feeling their pain doesn't help anyone.

• And if it is someone else, remind them you are there for them if they want to talk

The People Pleasing Hustle

Earlier this week, I was talking to a client who said, "I am a control freak, and I am tired of it. But I can't seem to stop doing it."

I am writing this post for the Control Freaks, the Type As, the 'get 'er done' lovers out there. I get it. I understand. I see it every day in my office. I live it in my life. I get the pull of being in control.

The pull of the belief that:

• no one will do it as well as me

• I can handle it all.

• If not me, then who will do it?

Somewhere you learned: Unless you are 'doing,' you don't matter, AND you learned that you are good at doing things.

You have an organized brain and a 'get it done attitude that allows you to excel at accomplishing stuff. Combine that natural ability with the appreciation and love you get for accomplishing stuff, and you have the perfect storm of the people-pleasing hustle. And then, over time, you learn that the people-pleasing hustle gets lonely and empty and becomes a bottomless pit.

Because what is underneath all of the to-do lists, check-ins, taking care of, and soldiering on mentality is:

• You want to be seen.

• You want to be appreciated.

• You want to be loved.

• You want everyone else to be happy.

So this strong 'in control' exterior covers up the soft, beautiful, sensitive side that says 'you aren't worthy unless you are doing something and more succinctly 'you aren't worthy unless everyone around you is happy.'

You (like my client) try to unhook you read about relaxing, stressing less, becoming more balanced. You TRY to stop, breathe, do nothing, be present. You TRY to let go of your controlling ways, and they always come back:

"You do such great work!"

"I can always count on you."

"Mom, you are the best."

"Thanks for handling that."

"No one is as good of a crisis as you are."

That People Pleasing Hustle is such a sweet, sweet seductress.

It doesn't take much for us to be back in the hustle again.

So what can you do?

Well, first off, it is more complex than just relaxing, stressing less. While the concepts of stress less and breathe more are AMAZING tools, they just scratch the surface of a Type A personality's life. Because the People-Pleasing Hustle is so much deeper than just stress less. You are not a failure because the usual tips haven't worked. People Pleasing Hustle is a seductive foe.

As with any addiction, you need to admit you are addicted. Once I saw that my Type A personality was a form of the people-pleasing hustle, I started making some in-roads.

Initial Tips:

• Start paying attention to your Type A tendencies, notice how often you don't say no, don't ask for help, take on more than you can. Just NOTICE.

• Ask yourself, who am I looking to please here? Or more to the point, Who am I afraid of making angry? Again, just notice.

• Pour on the compassion!! Don't judge. Don't criticize. Don't try to change it. Just lovingly tell yourself how awesome you are (even if you don't believe it at first). Nurture that sensitive soul that gets plowed over by the Type A tendencies.

You Don't Need a Better Organizational System

One of the main topics in my office is stress; stress around getting things done, doing a good job, or being a good person. Stress infiltrates much of our lives, from work to home to everything in between. Frequently, I will have clients come into my office and say, "I just need a new system." "If I could just find the right organizational system, everything would be ok."

Well, I am here to say from experience: You don't need another organizational system. Because most of my clients are Type A, highly organized, in control people, they already have a system or many systems that help keep them organized. Now don't get me wrong, organizational systems are necessary and needed. In fact, I love organizational systems. Just ask my nearest and dearest. I love researching apps and buying new planners. When we believe that the next organization 'system' will take away our stress and make everything better, it becomes a problem.

The perfect calendar won't

• make our to-do list smaller

• make perfectionism less of the end goal

• help us say no when needed.

• offer compassion when we fall short

• quiet our inner bully

Usually, when we believe a new calendar or organizational system is the key to all our problems, we have run up against one of our biggest bullies:

Good Girl Gail, Perfection Paula, Running Rita

Good Girl Gail convinces us that a good girl is on top of everything. If she can see everything written down, she will accomplish more and be a better person overall. Good Girl Gail believes her worth is connected to checking things off her to-do list.

Perfection Paula convinces us that a good organizational system protects us from failure. The sneaky thing about Perfection Paula is that all the time we spend re-writing our to-do list or entering our new structure into our handy app, we aren't tackling our challenging projects (therefore keeping us perfect). Perfection Paula could be replaced with Procrastination Paula because by creating this fancy organizational system, we have a reason to procrastinate. If we never start, we won't ever fail, and Perfection Paula can keep her unblemished name.

Running Rita convinces us that we need to stay as busy as possible, and an organizational system will allow that to happen in an easy, efficient manner. Running Rita wants us to stay in full-out run mode, so we don't have to turn around and a look at our life, double-check our priorities, and ask, "Is this the stuff I want to be doing?" "Is this the life I want to be living?" Running Rita convinces us just to keep moving, and all will be well.

These three inner bullies keep us believing that an organizational system will ease all our woes. That something outside of us will make it all better. They keep us stuck in the hustle, the stress, and the perfectionism that keeps us miserable and exhausted.

So if we don't need another organizational system, what do we need?

We need to listen to our wise selves: Compassionate Clara and Slow Down Samantha.

Compassionate Clara: Reminds us that we don't have to be perfect. We don't have to get everything done. Life is bigger than checking things off our to-do list. Compassionate Clara reminds us that we are perfectly imperfect and trying the best we can at all times (even when we are feeling lazy or unmotivated). Compassionate Clara is that whisper of a voice who says, "It's ok sweet thing, you can stop pushing so hard you are valuable, lovable, and worthy no matter what you check off your list." Compassionate Clara reminds us that a happier life is lived within messy imperfection.

Slow Down Samantha: Reminds us to slow down, look up, check in, and breathe. She reminds us that life is more than what we can check off our to-do list. She reminds us to check in with our values, monitor our glasses, and break the rules if necessary. Slow Down Samantha whispers, "Slow down, look around and notice the little magic in every day."

So now, you don't need another organizational system to combat stress. What you do need is Compassion and Slowing Down. Two things we struggle to give ourselves. 

How to Stop Bullying Yourself

You have a great day laughing and playing with your kids at the beach, and after seeing yourself in the mirror, you beat yourself up for how you look in a bathing suit.

You get up early, workout, make a healthy breakfast, and even set an intention for the day but don't allow enough time for traffic and end up late to work. Later as you share your day with a friend, you only talk about how you were late to work. No mention of all you accomplished that morning.

You have a great time with your girlfriends, but you end up drinking too much. As you share with your husband about the weekend, all you mention is how stupid you were for drinking too much.

You find a great new job and are so happy you left your old one, and all you can keep telling yourself was what an idiot you were for not leaving sooner.

Notice that something remarkable has happened in each of these examples, an opportunity at work, putting your health and yourself first, enjoying time with girlfriends, and getting a new job. These are all activities that make you shine.

And then notice in the retelling of these amazing events, you immediately play them down, focus on the negative, or regret they took so long. In essence, you intentionally dim the light.

Sound familiar?

It is an epidemic in my office the number of women who diminish, disregard, and flat out disrespect their wins. Rather than celebrating our successes, we are either immediately moving to the next thing or bullying ourselves for how it could have gone better.

We are our worst critics. 

So what can we do about it?

1. Ask yourself what are you gaining by diminishing?

Here are some myths that keep us stuck in this behavior.

Myth:: Don't Shine too brightly. 'Good Girls' stay humble and small.
Truth: You diminishing your light, playing small, or staying humble doesn't shine the light on someone else more brightly. It just keeps you small.

Myth: If we celebrate a win, we will somehow stop striving. We need to keep driving ourselves, and if there is something to be accomplished, there is no room for celebration.
Truth: That hard-driving inner bully doesn't make us accomplish more; she just makes us miserable while we do it. Softening her voice won't make us less driven, but it will make us happier.

Myth: We believe that we have to be perfect to celebrate. That a victory, unless spotless, is not a victory.
Truth: There is no such thing as PERFECT. No matter how hard we strive, we have swallowed this myth completely, and all it is doing is making us miserable.

Maybe it is a combo of all three or something different?

2. Surround yourself with celebrators. 

Encourage your friends and family to celebrate with you and call you out when you aren't celebrating.

3. Notice how often you diminish or disregard a win and force yourself to celebrate no matter how small

Throw a dance party for one in your office, enjoy a cupcake or tell a friend about your victory.

4. Remove the word BUT from your vocabulary. Instead, use AND.

The word BUT makes everything said before it unimportant.

I had fun on the beach, BUT my butt looks big.

So while I might have had fun at the beach, what is paramount is I know my butt looked big.

I had fun on the beach, AND I wish I looked different in my bathing suit.

Both are true. And when I say it like this, I naturally tone down the "my butt looks big" comment because I realize that my butt and playing with my kids are two completely different priorities.

This simple change was a game-changer for me, once I started subbing AND for, BUT it gave me more room to celebrate and see the possibilities in life.

When the Message Be Grateful Becomes Belittling

Meet Claire.

Claire has 2 active, intelligent boys, a supportive husband, and a job that she enjoys and makes decent money. Claire has a beautiful house, and on the weekend, she and her husband work in the yard while the kids play. Claire and her husband have an active social life and frequently go out with friends in addition to their monthly (they try for weekly but don't always make it) date night. Claire volunteers at the school when she can and is active in her community. Claire is friendly and kind and always has a smile on her face.

Meet the REAL Claire.

Claire has two boys. Claire has regular insomnia worrying about her kids: Is she doing enough for them? Are they well-rounded enough? Does she work too much?

Claire loves her husband and their relationship. She wishes they communicated better and were more intimate, but she frequently stops those thoughts by telling herself she has it better than most and should be grateful. He treats her well, isn't cheating on her, and although they don't talk about much other than work and the kids, she loves him and enjoys their life.

Claire's job is extremely stressful. She frequently feels not good enough at work. Her boss is a terror and enjoys managing through shame and belittling. Claire tries so hard to juggle all the expectations her boss has for her. She knows they need the money from her income, and she is so specialized it would be hard to find something different at this point. She tells herself she should be grateful. A lot of people don't have the opportunities she does.

Claire is so tired of feeling not enough. She is tired of her schedule dictating her life. She is tired of her friends saying, "You have a great life, you have it all together, how do you do it?!?" When inside, Claire feels like a failure. She just wants to be happy or, at least, happier. She is tired of pretending, and she just doesn't know how to jump off this crazy treadmill she is on. How did she get here to this place where she always wanted to be, and yet it just isn't enough? What is wrong with her? How can she be so ungrateful for her life?

Claire can't win. It is a vice in which many of my clients are stuck. On the one hand, she has what appears to be a great life. She has all the trappings of success. She has all the things we are all told to go after, achieve and gain in our lives, and she is happy with those things. From the outside, she looks incredible. And Claire is grateful for that, BUT on the inside, it is a very different story. Claire wants more from her life.

However, the minute Claire starts noticing she wants to make some changes or that her life isn't what she wants it to be, she hammers herself with thoughts of being ungrateful and unworthy. She stops herself from exploring her thoughts, feelings, and needs by telling herself things like:

it could be worse.

you have it so good.

don't get too big for your britches.

have some gratitude

this is what you wanted for your life

you should be celebrating.

Claire has spun the phrase 'be grateful' into a belittling hurtful phrase.

Well, Claire, that, my friend, is BS.

Here is the thing.

TRUTH: Claire has a great life for which she is grateful.

TRUTH: Claire wants more out of her life.

BOTH are true, and that is OK.

Claire has a great life, beautiful kids, a loving marriage, and a beautiful home, AND she wants more. Not MORE STUFF, not MORE SUCCESS, and not MORE of what people told her she SHOULD want.

Claire wants MORE DEPTH, MORE INTENTION, MORE of what's REAL for Claire.

Here's a new paradigm: 

What if Claire is grateful for her life AND wants a greater connection with her husband, less anxiety about her job, less feelings of unworthiness and insecurity?

What if Claire wants to be seen for who she is and not what everyone wants her to be?

What if Claire is happy for all she has achieved, and now she sees her life differently?

What if she doesn't care if people think she has a great life as long as Claire thinks she has a great life?

At one point, Claire, myself, and many of my clients were told a lie:

• don't be too demanding,

• don't want too much,

• don't change your mind.

I am not saying Claire needs to leave her husband, sell her house, or even quit her job.

I AM saying Claire needs to start honoring that voice in her that says,

"Hey, what if I talked to my husband about building a stronger connection?" or

"What if we slowed down our social calendar, so we had more time together as a family?" or

"What if I got clear on the type of life I want and what I need and started actively making baby steps towards that life?'

We get into trouble when we shut down that voice. When we follow the small whispering wise voice, "Hey, what if I asked my husband on a date tonight, no phones no work, no kids talk.", with the loud, belittling inner bullying voice which says, 'HEY, BE GRATEFUL, GET IN LINE, SHUT UP, DON'T ROCK THE BOAT AND APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE.'

Instead, lovingly remind yourself you are grateful you DO have a great life, AND that doesn't mean you have to settle. You can be grateful AND want more.

Confessions of a Perfectionist

She walked into the room and flopped down on the couch.

"I am exhausted," she said.

"I feel like I can't keep up with everything I have to do. I am snippy with my family. Even when I know, I don't want to be, and I TRY not to be. I am snippy. I feel like I am always behind. I have all these things I want to do, but I never get any of them done. Hell, I feel like I barely scratch the surface of my to-do list. I am just tired of never feeling like enough, never thin enough, never smart enough, never happy enough.”

"You know," she went on, "I have SO much to be grateful for, I am so blessed, and yet I am miserably exhausted. What is up with that?!? Ugh, I am tired of feeling like this.”

Her eyes filled with tears, "I am sorry," she said, "I am just so tired of hearing all day long 'you are not enough'"

Welcome to Perfectionism

This is a combination of conversations I have had with 10 of my past clients. They all share similar symptoms, but their reasons for seeing me were all very different: from job dissatisfaction to body dissatisfaction to relationship dissatisfaction to just overall life dissatisfaction. But at the root of all the dissatisfaction, they were consumed by perfectionism.

More and more in my office, I see the pervasive damming effects of perfectionism. It has gotten so bad that although most of my clients deal with the effects of perfectionism (Low self-esteem, exhaustion, hopelessness, snippiness, having a great life but too tired to enjoy it, to name a few), they would never describe themselves as perfectionists because the societal norm is to be perfect. Or I should say try to be perfect. Because as we all know, perfect just doesn't exist.

I admit perfectionism is my default mode. I lean towards the desire to be perfect. It shows up in my relationships, my work, and my life. More and more, I see it is why I do this work. 

Perfectionism causes us to feel tired, irritable, and dissatisfied because we constantly compare ourselves to an impossible standard. We are holding ourselves to something we just can't achieve, and we wonder why we are exhausted and snippy! To the outside world, perfectionism might show up as calm, cool, and all together. But the ugly underbelly of perfectionism is:

• constantly berating ourselves and our bodies

• frustration with our spouses when they correct us (even if they do it lovingly),

• hammering ourselves that we had the wrong split-second response to our child's question,

• annoyance that once again we made a mistake at work.

This constant hammering, annoyance, frustration, and belittling has got to stop!

Ah, you think, if only it were that easy. And I agree perfectionism is ingrained in our society in our belief systems in our lives.

So what can we do about it?!? How do I work with clients with perfectionism?

As a perfectionist myself, the last thing I want to hear is, embrace the imperfection, yet that is exactly what we need to do.

The key to undermining perfectionism is going back to basics:

Ask yourself: Do I want to live like this? How is perfectionism working for me?

Notice: Every time you notice yourself feeling less than, not enough, or snippy.

STOP, Take three deep breathes and give yourself lots of compassion. 

Let me repeat that since it will be VERY uncomfortable at first:

STOP, Take three deep breathes and give yourself lots of compassion. 

Since compassion might be a foreign concept (I know it was for me), here are some strategies I have found successful.

• Talk to yourself like you would to your child or your best friend. What would you say to their imperfections?

• Place your hand over your heart and remind yourself that you are a gentle, wise soul.

• Speak lovingly to yourself, if you are having a bad day, lovingly tell yourself, 'today is not going too well, it is ok we can get through this.

This constant berating of ourselves for not hitting an impossible standard has got to end. The true beauty of life comes in the imperfections. We see this in nature and our loved ones. It is time we start seeing that beauty in ourselves.

COMPASSION, COMPASSION, COMPASSION.

How to Stop Fitting your Square Peg into a Round Hole

Earlier this summer, we were at a community picnic. We ran into a friend, and within 3 minutes, he and I were involved in a deep conversation about the book Being Mortal and the struggles of dealing with aging parents. As we walked away, I said to my nearest and dearest, "I just love that guy, no need to small talk just get right to the important stuff." And my nearest and dearest said, "That's because he doesn't hide that he is deep. You hide your deep side. When you meet a fellow deep thinker, you are so excited because you don't have to pretend." We later shared this conversation with our friend, who laughed and said, "it took me a long time, but I love that I am a deep...proud of it."

It got me thinking, one of my favorite topics to share with clients is that we spend a lot of our time trying to fit our square pegs into round holes. We try to shave off our square pegs to feel accepted, loved and liked by other people. Eventually, all that shaving gets tiresome, and we realize that we are spending all of our time trying to morph ourselves into something we aren't. To be accepted by people who, when we are truly honest, don't value the same things as we do. It is EXHAUSTING!

We have to permit ourselves to just be us:

our dorky, goofy selves.

Our sensible, planning, mama bears.

Our doubting, questioning, curious selves.

Our wanting to fit in, be accepted, and be loved selves.

To be all of that. Just to be who we are.

I spent much of my life trying to fit my square peg into a round hole. I remember asking myself, "Why do I care so much what so-and-so thinks when we don't share the same values? Why do I deny who I am so that they can accept me?" So I started paying attention to how often I belittled myself or pretended not to care about something I found important. Years ago, I wouldn't have brought up the book to my friend or engaged in such a heavy conversation with such passion and excitement.

Gradually, I started building awareness around how often I took a hacksaw to my square peg.

Slowly over time, I started just being me:

Not engaging in small talk for the 14th time in one evening.

Not apologizing when I went deep with a friend.

Not belittling myself for being the caretaker at a family event.

Once I stopped apologizing for who I am as a person, my capacity to stretch outside my comfort zone became greater. It is true; not everyone is like me. Not everyone will enjoy a conversation about mortality and aging parents at an outdoor picnic, and that is OK. Not every conversation I have has to be deep and meaningful just because that is my preference. I need to know how to stretch myself to reach other people.

The problem is when I spend all my time shaving and shaving those square pegs. When I deny who I am and pretend that I am someone else or apologize for who I am. I am deep, and I am proud of it. But I am more than just deep, I am a whole being, who enjoys laughing, talking about mindless subjects, and I am a square peg who can fit into a round hole from time to time but just doesn't want to.

Once I figured that out, and I learned to embrace all of me and found other people who enjoyed similar things, life became much less boring. We are more than the stereotypes of deep, dorky, goofy, or aloof we are complex beings.

Now I can go to an event and be me. I can be passionate about a deep, meaningful conversation, and I can shoot the sh*t with someone about their kitchen remodel. And the best part? I don't leave the evening beating myself up because of what I SHOULD have done.

Why Giving More Doesn't Always Make You More Lovable

So many of us are people pleasers. We live our lives doing what we think others want or need from us. As a recovering people pleaser, getting clear on if I was giving from a pure place or giving because I thought I SHOULD.

In that spirit, today, I am sharing some common misnomers about the beauty of giving.

Your needs are not LESS important. Whoa. I remember the first time I heard this one--what?!?! My needs are as important as everyone else's? ("What you talkin' about Willis?") Yep, our needs are as important as everyone else. And, to put it bluntly, if we don't look out for what we need, no one else will.

Sometimes it isn't that we truly believe our needs are less important. We believe by swallowing our needs; we will avoid confrontation, which in the short term MIGHT be true. But in the long term, the damage to our self-worth and the relationship just isn't worth it. To be fully in a relationship with someone (including ourselves), we need to show up completely, needs and all.

Giving to the point of resentment isn't giving.  Next time someone asks you for something, ask yourself, "Do I want to be giving this right now?" If the answer is no, then the answer is no. Giving from a place of resentment, keeping score, or negativity just doesn't feed anyone. Giving from a place of pure unadulterated joy and love, now that is feeding the whole world. There is such a difference in how true giving feels! When we are resentful, keeping score, and ignoring our messages of "stop this is too much," we aren't living happier.

Your worth is not equal to how much you give. Yikes. This is an easy trap to fall into. Somewhere we learned "they will like me more if I give more" or "I am only worthy because of what I do." In essence, we have convinced ourselves, they like us ONLY because of how much we give. Which, to put it bluntly, is BS. If someone is only hanging with you because you do everything they ask--do you want to spend time with that person anyway? Our true friends are the people who love us regardless of what we DO. We are valuable, lovable, worthy period--it doesn't matter how much we give.

Caring is a wonderful trait. I love showing others how much they mean to me by giving to them. Attaching giving to the words: should, getting something back, worthiness, have to, or keeping score takes away from such an amazing act of kindness and gratitude. When you are asked to give, first check-in and ask: "What is my motivation for saying yes?"

It is Ok to Say No

You are picking the kids up from school, and a fellow mom comes running out to greet you and quickly asks, "hey would you be willing to bring two dozen cupcakes to the bake sale tomorrow morning, we are short on volunteers, and we need them to be homemade?" Your first reaction is, 'ugh! I don't have time to bake anything. I am so behind on everything, no no no' But what comes out of your mouth is, "Sure, no problem, I would LOVE to help out." As you drive away, you think, 'Damn, what just happened!!!, how did I get suckered into this stuff again?'

Rationally you know it is ok to say no. However, you find yourself agreeing to do stuff you don't want to do more often than not.

I mean, after all, we as women are supposed to do it all. We are supposed to be there for our friends. We SHOULD be generous partners, daughters, mothers, and co-workers. True. Generosity is a wonderful thing, but when it gets to the point that we are choosing other's happiness or other's joy over our own, it is a problem.

Here are some common examples:

Your neighbor calls and asks to drop her kids off to play with your kids. You love her kids, and it isn't a burden to have them there, but you are planning a quiet family dinner and getting your kids to bed early. You tell her no, it won't work this time, and offer to make a play date sometime soon.

A co-worker invites you to her baby shower on a Saturday afternoon. You have the kids' soccer games in the morning, and Saturday afternoon is the only time you can catch up on laundry and errands. You say no to the shower but sponsor a week's worth of diaper service after the baby is born.

You get a notification in the mail that your child's classroom is looking for moms who are willing to sew costumes for the fall pageant. You hate sewing, and you are already overwhelmed with life. You politely decline, saying you would be willing to do ticket sales or something else that you enjoy more. It is ok to say no.

Your husband volunteered to bring something to the company potluck and asks if you would be willing to make your crock-pot chili for him to take in. You have a big project due at work and just don't have the time. You tell him no and offer him suggestions for things he can pick up at the store. It is ok to say no.

It is ok to admit you don't like to do something, you don't want to spend your time with someone, have other plans, or just don't want to. It is ok, to be honest with yourself and say no.

There was a NO and a loving follow-up in each of the examples above: a reschedule, a gift, or a different solution. Saying no doesn't have to be harsh or mean. It can be loving, genuine, and honest.

So the next time someone asks you to do something and your first response is "ugh," pause and remind yourself it is ok to say lovingly say no.

Dealing with Difficult People

We all have THOSE people in our lives. The ones we dread to see, the ones who know exactly how to trigger our shame responses and make our lives miserable.

THOSE people create drama in our lives. If I were to ask people, do you like drama in your relationships? The answer would be a resounding No. Drama sucks. Drama causes pain and discomfort. So why is drama so prevalent? Why do we say we hate drama yet still engage in it? Sometimes, we don't have a choice; family members and friends bring drama to our front door. But there is a way to avoid becoming a Days of Our Lives Episode.

Here are a few of my tips for Decreasing Drama in Your Life.

Recognize the triggers. Drama frequently starts when someone pushes a shame trigger in us. So you are having a conversation with your co-worker, and she starts talking about how mortified she would be if she got called out in a meeting like you had earlier that day. And you notice you are awash in shame. Your response is to lash out at her or talk behind her back, both creating unnecessary drama and pain. Recognizing when you are awash in shame is key to limiting drama.

Communication Communication Communication. One of the main reasons drama gets started is that we are afraid of conflict. So we talk behind people's backs, or we confront someone else, hoping they will eventually tell the person. We don't have direct communication, and that easily leads to drama.

You Don't Have to Engage. Remember, just because someone baits you or encourages you to pick up the drama ball and run with it. You don't have to. You can stop drama in its tracks simply by not engaging with it. Easier said than done, yes. But very helpful in ending the drama cycle.

Ask yourself: What are you Getting out of the drama? Such a tough question and requires you to get HONEST with yourself. Because most of us would say we hate drama. But drama can be helpful because it keeps us from feeling. In my life, I know drama shows up when I don't want to feel something.

Here's an example, You are at a family event, and you find out your favorite aunt has cancer. Your brother-in-law has an inappropriate response to the news. Rather than facing the news, you make the situation all about your BIL's response. You are indignant and find yourself telling everyone about his crazy response rather than the factual information, which is your favorite aunt has cancer, and you are devastated. In this example, the drama serves as a smokescreen to give yourself time to absorb this terrible news.

Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries. Have someone who regularly causes drama in your life? Know someone who always talks about you to other people? Have a friend who isn't supportive and would rather shame you? Set a boundary and hold it. We keep drama-filled people in our lives because they add a sense of flair, or we have been friends for a long time, or we HAVE to because they are family. If you have tried to decrease the drama with certain people, it is time to set a boundary. One of my favorite principles is as you change and grow, either people rise to meet you, or people fall off. So as you begin to lower your threshold for drama, use direct communication and build awareness around your shame triggers. Those in your life who cause drama will either recognize the change and be empowered to make their own or get so annoyed they stop engaging.

Drama sucks, and ending drama is possible.

The Story of Two Snakes

Amanda has two loving parents who both love Amanda, but they have a lot going on. For many reasons (addiction, narcissism, work demands, etc.), they are distracted parents. One day Amanda walks onto the screened-in porch to play with her toys, and she sees a snake. Amanda screams and runs to the kitchen to tell her mother. Amanda's mother is on the phone for work and doesn't have time to deal with Amanda. She briefly puts her call on hold and listens as Amanda tells her about the snake and her fears. Amanda's mother dismisses Amanda and tells her to go back on the porch and play. She says to Amanda, "I have never seen a snake. I am sure everything is fine. You are just overreacting!" Amanda decided she must be wrong and heads back out to the porch to continue to play even though the snake is still there. (Wisely, she moves to the other side of the porch.)

In summary, Amanda sees something alarming—she gets scared—she shares her fear and her experience with her Mom, and she gets dismissed. Over time, Amanda learns that her thoughts, feelings, and needs aren't valid. She learns to look externally for guidance and support rather than trusting her instincts.

Now let's visit Anne. Anne has two loving parents who are also trying to raise their children the best they can. One day, Anne walks onto the screened-in porch to play with her toys and sees a snake. Anne screams and immediately runs to the kitchen to tell her mother. Anne's mother is also on the phone, but she puts her call on hold to listen to Anne. Anne's mother says, "Oh My Goodness! A snake that is so scary, don't worry. I will take care of it, thanks for telling me." Anne's mother then removes the snake from the back porch.

Moral of the story. Anne sees something alarming—she gets scared—she shares her fear, and her experience is supported. Anne learns to trust herself. She learns when she shares her fears, they will be acknowledged and heard.

Fill in snake with any fear, shame, or doubt we had as a child, and the more our experience was ignored or dismissed, the less likely we are to be loyal to ourselves.

Amanda learned that she can't trust her instincts at an early age and should listen to other people for what she should think, trust, and believe. On the other hand, Anne learned that she could trust her instincts and innate wisdom at an early age. Very different experiences —very different lives.

So how does not being loyal to yourself show up in your adult life?

• One of the favorite parts about yourself is your soft, gentle heart. Your kindness and compassion for others is a double edge sword. Kindness and compassion come easy to you. But sometimes, you wish you didn't get taken advantage of quite so often. In building self-loyalty, you learn to value yourself and your kindness without getting sucked into over-caring.

• You TRY so hard to do it right, be the good girl. In building self-loyalty, you learn that being a good girl is an old message that is never satisfied, and you begin to value that messing up is also valuable.

• On the outside, you appear strong, confidant. People love you, but you feel like no one knows you. Your life is filled with activities, but most of them you don't want to attend. In building self-loyalty, you learn what activities and people you want in your life and how to cultivate those relationships.

• Angst, anxiety, overanalyzing is a way of life. You have a love-hate relationship with it. On the one hand, it is exhausting, but on the other hand, it keeps you on task and accountable. Where would you be without your inner critic? In building self-loyalty, you learn that listening to your biggest fan who is kind, gentle, and wise helps you succeed without the belittling and shame.

How to Switch Your Committee Members to Support People

Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that we couldn't trust ourselves. Whether it is a need for approval, the desire to 'do it right,' or fear of hearing our Monger goes off on us, we have learned to take our decisions to the committee. A committee can consist of various people, including co-workers, spouses, friends, parents, therapists, or ministers. Whenever there is a decision to be made or a change that we are debating, we feel the need to 'check in' with as many people as possible.

A couple of scenarios:

You get an offer to interview for a new job at your company. It isn't your ideal job, the pay is more but the hours are more as well. You have been thinking of leaving the company altogether and trying something different, but bottom line, you don't know if you want it. So you ask your best friend. She is looking for a job and would LOVE to have an offer on the table, so she encourages you to take the job! You ask your husband. He has been stressed about finances lately, so he encourages you to take it since the job makes more money. You ask your mom. She is worried that you are spreading yourself too thin, and since this job is more hours, she thinks you shouldn't take it. By the time you have asked all your committee members, your head is spinning, and you don't know which way is up.

You have a new idea to raise money for the charity you volunteer with. You believe it is a fantastic idea and will bring in a lot of money to the organization. You run the idea past your friend who is familiar with the charity, and she makes some tweaks to it. You run the idea past your co-worker (who knows nothing about the idea), and she makes a few minor suggestions. You run the idea past your oldest son, and he gives you a few more tweaks. You add all the tweaks and take the idea (which looks nothing like your original idea) into the meeting, and as the board starts talking, you realize they have taken the idea back to how you originally had it---minus all the tweaks. If only you would have listened to yourself!!!

I use to go to the committee about everything from cutting my hair to deciding which house to buy. Eventually, I realized although my committee means well:

• they aren't really listening to me.

• they are giving feedback based on their agenda.

• and my biggest ah-ha they are acting this way because I am giving them permission to.

Here's the deal you need people to talk to. You need advice and insight from time to time. You need SUPPORT PEOPLE. You don't need a committee of talking heads weighing in on the crucial decisions of YOUR LIFE. You need to start flexing your inner knowing muscle--to start trusting yourself and your decisions. One of the first steps in learning how to trust yourself is to switch your committee members into support people.

How to move from a Committee to Support People:

1. Pause and take some time to figure out what you want/need
   NOTE: This might take a few do-overs meaning you might catch yourself running to a committee member and then thinking, "Oh crap, I was supposed to pause." That's ok. Just note it and as soon as you can, pause and figure out what YOU want and need.

2. Once you have the answer or at least your leanings toward an answer, reach out to those people in your life you trust and ask them to listen to your issue. Lovingly, share with them that you don't want their advice right now. You just need them to be a sounding board.
   NOTE: Now, this is where it can get tricky because you have taught your committee members that you LOVE their advice and input. Now you are changing the rules. You are asking them to be Support People, which means to be LISTEN and hear YOUR thoughts before weighing in. So you might need to circle back a couple of times as they try to offer you advice and remind them you just need them to be a sounding board. 

3. Pay attention to how much your committee member struggles with just listening. Use your discernment here to decide if this person should remain a committee member or can take the promotion to support person.

4. After you have shared your thoughts and the support person has shared their insights, thank them for trying it a new way.

Remember, this is a process and might take a few tries. Be patient with yourself and with your committee members as you all make the transition to Support People.

Who is Your Schedule Pleasing?

Many years ago, I was always on the go. You had to book with me a month in advance if you wanted to go to dinner or hang with me. I was BUSY. Why was I so busy? Well, it was a lot of reasons.

At the time, I was single, and somewhere, someone had told me that I needed to be busy because single people need to be out and about doing things.

As long as I was on the go, I didn't need to deal with all the questions, confusion, pain I had about my own life. I didn't need to be dealt with it if I was out and about.

I didn't ever say no. The idea of saying no never entered my mind. Because I didn't want to upset anyone or make anyone mad at me, and I didn't think I could say no.

In all honesty, it never dawned on me to ask myself, "Do I enjoy doing all this stuff? Is being this busy making me happier?"

Then one day, after crying on the front porch to my friend, saying, "I SHOULD BE HAPPY. What is wrong with me?!!" I found myself sitting on a therapist's couch (the best decision I ever made), and she asked me, "Do you enjoy doing all this stuff?" "Is this how you want to be spending your time?"

Honestly, I was dumbstruck. I thought, "What does she mean, is this how I wanted to spend my time?" it was the first time in a long time that I asked myself that question.

It turned out, no, that was not how I wanted to spend my time. The act of going out all the time was exhausting and making me miserable. Not only was it physically exhausting to work all day and then go out to dinner with a friend at night, but it was also mentally and emotionally exhausting because I was saying yes to events I wanted to say no to.

One of the most helpful exercises I did was an energy inventory to help me do a gut check on how I was spending my time. I quickly realized that I was spending WAY too much time doing things that were draining me.

The problem seemed simple enough to fix. Stop doing the things that drain me, but that is WAY easier said than done.

• I had to learn how to put myself first and ask myself: do you REALLY want to do this activity.

• I had to learn that it is ok to disappoint people.

• I had to learn how to say NO.

Thanks to a fantastic therapist, and a lot of intentional work on my part, today, my life is very different. I don't say yes to any activity before I pause and ask myself, "Do I really want to do this?" And even then, when the answer is yes, I ask myself, "Do I have the energy/time to do this activity?"

With those two questions, my schedule is

• Less busy

• When I am busy, it is with activities I enjoy and want to participate in.

I see this phenomenon in my clients. They come in to talk about their anxiety, and unhappiness and inevitably, we end up talking about their schedule and the fact that they are spending way too much time pleasing other people. One of the leading causes of anxiety is when we stop listening to our inner voice and instead start listening to what we SHOULD be doing. Schedule Pleasing is a very common way of doing that.

Crying in Public: Healthy Release or Embarrassing Weakness?

One complaint many of my clients have is their tendency to cry when they get overwhelmed. While crying is a perfectly normal response to pain, frustration, and sadness, it can get in the way. The problem is when those tears start leaking out at inappropriate times, at work, in a big meeting, in the middle of a conflict, with a stranger, etc. Crying is an extremely vulnerable act, especially when you have been told that it is manipulative, weak, or controlling. Crying has gotten a bad wrap--sometimes you just need to leak.  But what do you do when your crying goes from healing to embarrassing?

Don't apologize.  Once you feel the tears sting your eyes, the first thing you want to do is apologize. Apologizing implies you are doing something wrong. You are just crying and exhibiting an emotion. You aren't hitting or hurting anyone. Remind yourself there is nothing wrong with crying. When you apologize, that makes the other person feel responsible for you and diminishes you as well. Own the fact that you are crying without apologizing.

Take a Step Back. Tears are most likely coming from a place of frustration and anger. As women, we are often taught that anger or frustration is not ok, so we push it down until it bubbles up as tears. Give yourself a chance to pause and breathe. If you can keep talking, do so, but if not, ask to continue the conversation later or ask to take a break and come back to you.

The goal with these two steps is to break the cycle of—start crying—ridicule self—assume everyone else is ridiculing you—apologize profusely—cry harder. Instead, turn the cycle into start crying—breath—remind self that crying is ok, it is just an emotion—keep talking or ask to take a break—return and keep going.

The first two concepts are how to handle crying; this next concept is how to start decreasing the inappropriate crying tendency.

Look back: What is it really about? Too often, my clients get so caught up in the shame of crying that they never look back to see what they were so upset about? What was happening? Were you angry, frustrated, hurt? Did you feel attacked, betrayed, powerless? Start noticing a pattern in what triggers you.

For one of my clients, this process was life-changing. When she stopped apologizing and started embracing that she was a crier, it took some of the sting out of it. She was still embarrassed, and she still didn't like the fact that she was crying, but when she stopped apologizing, it just was "just something that happened" rather than the significant EVENT it had been in the past.

As she started looking back and asking, "what is this really about?" She noticed that A LOT was going on behind the scenes. She realized how much she had swallowed her feelings of fear, frustration, and anger. She felt powerless at work, and when there was any confrontation, she felt more and more powerless and then more and more confused so that she would cry out of frustration. Her crying was a sign of her not speaking up for herself, the incongruence between how she was feeling inside and what she was sharing on the outside. She knew she had a lot to contribute, and she was just scared to do it. Over time we started unraveling her fear, frustration, and anger. We started giving her a voice in our sessions and developing strategies for using that voice in the workplace.

She learned she needed to:

• speak up for herself more often in little ways, so co-workers and superiors didn't just bulldoze her

• ask for a break or a chance to reflect and come back to the problem

• discuss things one-on-one rather than in a large group,

• value her inner sensitivity, that piece of her gives her a lot of insight that her co-workers miss out on. She just needed to channel it differently so it could be heard in the workplace culture.

When she has a confrontation at work, her first response isn't crying but speaking up for herself. Leaking is still a part of her life, just not as much as it use to be.