The Story of Two Snakes
Amanda has two loving parents who both love Amanda, but they have a lot going on. For many reasons (addiction, narcissism, work demands, etc.), they are distracted parents. One day Amanda walks onto the screened-in porch to play with her toys, and she sees a snake. Amanda screams and runs to the kitchen to tell her mother. Amanda's mother is on the phone for work and doesn't have time to deal with Amanda. She briefly puts her call on hold and listens as Amanda tells her about the snake and her fears. Amanda's mother dismisses Amanda and tells her to go back on the porch and play. She says to Amanda, "I have never seen a snake. I am sure everything is fine. You are just overreacting!" Amanda decided she must be wrong and heads back out to the porch to continue to play even though the snake is still there. (Wisely, she moves to the other side of the porch.)
In summary, Amanda sees something alarming—she gets scared—she shares her fear and her experience with her Mom, and she gets dismissed. Over time, Amanda learns that her thoughts, feelings, and needs aren't valid. She learns to look externally for guidance and support rather than trusting her instincts.
Now let's visit Anne. Anne has two loving parents who are also trying to raise their children the best they can. One day, Anne walks onto the screened-in porch to play with her toys and sees a snake. Anne screams and immediately runs to the kitchen to tell her mother. Anne's mother is also on the phone, but she puts her call on hold to listen to Anne. Anne's mother says, "Oh My Goodness! A snake that is so scary, don't worry. I will take care of it, thanks for telling me." Anne's mother then removes the snake from the back porch.
Moral of the story. Anne sees something alarming—she gets scared—she shares her fear, and her experience is supported. Anne learns to trust herself. She learns when she shares her fears, they will be acknowledged and heard.
Fill in snake with any fear, shame, or doubt we had as a child, and the more our experience was ignored or dismissed, the less likely we are to be loyal to ourselves.
Amanda learned that she can't trust her instincts at an early age and should listen to other people for what she should think, trust, and believe. On the other hand, Anne learned that she could trust her instincts and innate wisdom at an early age. Very different experiences —very different lives.
So how does not being loyal to yourself show up in your adult life?
One of the favorite parts about yourself is your soft, gentle heart. Your kindness and compassion for others is a double edge sword. Kindness and compassion come easy to you. But sometimes, you wish you didn't get taken advantage of quite so often. In building self-loyalty, you learn to value yourself and your kindness without getting sucked into over-caring.
You TRY so hard to do it right, be the good girl. In building self-loyalty, you learn that being a good girl is an old message that is never satisfied, and you begin to value that messing up is also valuable.
On the outside, you appear strong, confidant. People love you, but you feel like no one knows you. Your life is filled with activities, but most of them you don't want to attend. In building self-loyalty, you learn what activities and people you want in your life and how to cultivate those relationships.
Angst, anxiety, overanalyzing is a way of life. You have a love-hate relationship with it. On the one hand, it is exhausting, but on the other hand, it keeps you on task and accountable. Where would you be without your inner critic? In building self-loyalty, you learn that listening to your biggest fan who is kind, gentle, and wise helps you succeed without the belittling and shame.