How to Switch Your Committee Members to Support People

Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that we couldn't trust ourselves. Whether it is a need for approval, the desire to 'do it right,' or fear of hearing our Monger goes off on us, we have learned to take our decisions to the committee. A committee can consist of various people, including co-workers, spouses, friends, parents, therapists, or ministers. Whenever there is a decision to be made or a change that we are debating, we feel the need to 'check in' with as many people as possible.

A couple of scenarios:

You get an offer to interview for a new job at your company. It isn't your ideal job, the pay is more but the hours are more as well. You have been thinking of leaving the company altogether and trying something different, but bottom line, you don't know if you want it. So you ask your best friend. She is looking for a job and would LOVE to have an offer on the table, so she encourages you to take the job! You ask your husband. He has been stressed about finances lately, so he encourages you to take it since the job makes more money. You ask your mom. She is worried that you are spreading yourself too thin, and since this job is more hours, she thinks you shouldn't take it. By the time you have asked all your committee members, your head is spinning, and you don't know which way is up.

You have a new idea to raise money for the charity you volunteer with. You believe it is a fantastic idea and will bring in a lot of money to the organization. You run the idea past your friend who is familiar with the charity, and she makes some tweaks to it. You run the idea past your co-worker (who knows nothing about the idea), and she makes a few minor suggestions. You run the idea past your oldest son, and he gives you a few more tweaks. You add all the tweaks and take the idea (which looks nothing like your original idea) into the meeting, and as the board starts talking, you realize they have taken the idea back to how you originally had it---minus all the tweaks. If only you would have listened to yourself!!!

I use to go to the committee about everything from cutting my hair to deciding which house to buy. Eventually, I realized although my committee means well:

• they aren't really listening to me.

• they are giving feedback based on their agenda.

• and my biggest ah-ha they are acting this way because I am giving them permission to.

Here's the deal you need people to talk to. You need advice and insight from time to time. You need SUPPORT PEOPLE. You don't need a committee of talking heads weighing in on the crucial decisions of YOUR LIFE. You need to start flexing your inner knowing muscle--to start trusting yourself and your decisions. One of the first steps in learning how to trust yourself is to switch your committee members into support people.

How to move from a Committee to Support People:

1. Pause and take some time to figure out what you want/need
   NOTE: This might take a few do-overs meaning you might catch yourself running to a committee member and then thinking, "Oh crap, I was supposed to pause." That's ok. Just note it and as soon as you can, pause and figure out what YOU want and need.

2. Once you have the answer or at least your leanings toward an answer, reach out to those people in your life you trust and ask them to listen to your issue. Lovingly, share with them that you don't want their advice right now. You just need them to be a sounding board.
   NOTE: Now, this is where it can get tricky because you have taught your committee members that you LOVE their advice and input. Now you are changing the rules. You are asking them to be Support People, which means to be LISTEN and hear YOUR thoughts before weighing in. So you might need to circle back a couple of times as they try to offer you advice and remind them you just need them to be a sounding board. 

3. Pay attention to how much your committee member struggles with just listening. Use your discernment here to decide if this person should remain a committee member or can take the promotion to support person.

4. After you have shared your thoughts and the support person has shared their insights, thank them for trying it a new way.

Remember, this is a process and might take a few tries. Be patient with yourself and with your committee members as you all make the transition to Support People.