7 Common Mantras: What is YOUR Inner Critic's Mantra?
I want to dive a little deeper into what that means and specifically into the key step of building awareness of our Monger.
There are a couple of themes I want you to remember when it comes to Monger.
Her intention is not evil. Her intention is to protect us and keep us safe. Safe from making a mistake, disappointing someone, or getting hurt.
Her method of enforcing this intention is the problem. She uses shame, belittling, and berating, which is not helpful and, unfortunately, ends up making us feel worse.
Usually, our Monger is put into place when we are kids. It could be something as significant as being smacked across the face for lying by an abusive parent. Or something as minor as being corrected by a teacher for crossing against the light. The HOW, your Monger, got there is not as important as WHAT it is afraid of.
Our Monger is a bully. And as with all bullies, she is acting out of fear. Fear that a boss will criticize you, fear that you will look stupid, or fear that we will be imperfect. When we try something new or take a risk (no matter how small), our Monger gets scared for us and resorts to the only methods she knows: shaming, belittling, and mean. So although her exterior is TOUGH and NASTY, her interior is sensitive and soft.
When we go after our Monger using her methods, it rarely works. It rarely works to tell your Monger to "Shut Up" because our Monger (as much as we hate to admit it) is a piece of us that, although well-intentioned, treat us poorly. Our job is to calm down that part of us just like we would a misbehaving child. We wouldn't shame a child into submission, so we aren't going to shame ourselves into submission.
To determine WHAT our Monger is most afraid of, we have to start building awareness—noticing when our Monger comes out and plays the most. There tend to be some common areas where our Monger chimes in with her Monger Mantra. Below are the type of beliefs and mantras I see most frequently. Within each Monger mantra, there is a kernel (usually very, very small) of truth. So I have included your compassionate response to the Monger and, where appropriate, acknowledging the kernel of truth.
Perfectionist:
Monger's Belief: I can protect you by making sure you always get it right.
Monger's Mantra: You have to get it done perfectly." "Mistakes are for losers." "If you can't do it right, don't do it."
Your Compassionate Truth: Being perfect would be incredible, but it is impossible. There is no right way. Learning from my mistakes can help me grow and become stronger.
Keeping Up with the Jones:
Monger's Belief: I can protect you by making sure you are always keeping up. To find the measuring stick to success, you have to look around and see what others are doing.
Monger's Mantra: "Look at so and so, you will never be as cool as her." "So and So has it all figured out, too bad you will never be like her."
Your Compassionate Truth: Looking at other people can give me new ideas/inspiration for my life. But comparing my insides to someone else's outsides will be an accurate image.
Task Junkie:
Monger's Belief: I can protect you by keeping you on task. The only way to keep others from seeing how lazy you are is to stay in perpetual motion.
Monger's Belief: "You are a lazy, stupid, procrastinating fool, so you had better get everything done, or THEY will find out."
Your Compassionate Truth: I am not a lazy person. Finishing the to-do list will never satisfy me because there will always be more to do. I am more motivated by celebrating my small successes rather than always falling short.
Impulse Controller:
Monger's Belief: I can protect you by making sure you don't engage in indulgent behavior. Without me, you would eat everything in sight, drink everything in sight or spend all your money. I am here to protect you from yourself.
Monger's Belief: "You are a fat, alcoholic, broke loser who requires a lot of shame to keep you and your impulses in line."
Your Compassionate Truth: Yes, sometimes I overindulge, but that doesn't make me a fat loser. Overindulgence is not a reason to beat me up. It is a red flag that shows me I need some extra love somewhere because I am trying to fill a hole with food or shopping.
People Pleaser:
Monger's Belief: I can protect you by making sure everyone likes you. If that requires running yourself ragged, overanalyzing every situation to make sure others are happy, or beating yourself up for being inconsiderate, so be it.
Monger's Belief: "You can only find peace when other people are happy."
Your Compassionate Truth: I do get a high from pleasing other people, but I know that pleasing everyone else to the detriment of myself will not make me happy. I need to take care of myself, and those that love me will understand that.
Vigilance Guru
Monger's Belief: The world is unsafe, and you will always be hurt, so my job is to keep you safe and protected. I will always scan the world for threats and constantly tell you the bad things that will happen.
Monger's Belief: "Everything you do is dangerous, less risk=more reward" "Your best bet is to stay small and safe."
Your Compassionate Truth: Yes, the world is unsafe. But I don't want to live in constant fear. Embracing measured risk is the only way to live an engaged life.
Mistaker Keeper
Monger's Belief: I can protect you by never forgetting all the mistakes you have made in the past and reminding you of them. By guilting you for everything, you have ever done wrong; you won't make that same mistake again.
Monger's Mantra "Remember that time you...."
Your Compassionate Truth: Mistakes happen because I am human, and all I can do is admit my mistake, ask for forgiveness, forgive myself and move on.
Over the next week, pay attention to your Monger's messages. Just notice how often your Monger chimes in and how it makes you feel.