Having Needs Doesn't Make You Needy

One theme that helps decrease resentment and increase their quality of life and relationships: expressing your needs does not mean you are needy.

My clients range from 20 somethings to 60 somethings. But the one thing they ALL have in common: Somewhere they heard and swallowed the message, "I don't want to be too needy," and that fear of being labeled needy has translated into having no needs at all. Whether they are single or married for 20+years, they are afraid of being seen as needy. So they end up feeling angry, ignored in the world, and resentful. It shows up in taking on too much responsibility, not asking for help, and avoiding conflict.

The women's movement has created strong independent women. I know we have a long way to go in gaining equality. But something that is not helping the cause is this fear of being seen as needy. We have created two extremes strong independent take no prisoners women vs. women with no needs, no opinions, or voice.

Needs do not equal weakness.

This lack of needs creates inauthentic relationships where the woman takes care of everything and doesn't speak up until she has hit her limit—leaving women feeling sad, angry, resentful, and anxious. Owning your needs starts by recognizing it is ok to have needs. Needing help is ok. It is ok to admit you can't do it all. It is ok to "lean in," as Sheryl Sandberg says.

I didn't get married until I was in my late 30s and spent much of my adult life fine-tuning my 'strong single Nancy' persona. I had a HUGE fear of being seen as needy, and I admit even now, seven years into my relationship, I have to remind myself. Lean in. Being vulnerable is ok. It is ok to ask.

When I started thinking about this topic, I Googled "Having needs vs. being needy," the results included articles from Cosmo to a variety of Men's magazines about how not to be a 'needy girlfriend' or what to do if your girlfriend is needy, which was disheartening.

The truth is, saying men don't like women who have needs is saying men don't like women who are breathing. How boring would it be to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have any desires, passions, or feelings? How boring would it be to have a relationship with someone who always was 'fine'?

So, where is the line between having needs and being needy?

Motivation.

What is your motivation? A needy person is attached to the outcome. Their motivation for asking for something is to test 'how much do you love me?" So they throw out needs to see if their partner will prove their love. How much someone runs at your beck and call does not equal how much they love and respect you. When you speak a need after being centered and honest with yourself and not a test for the relationship, you are speaking needs in a healthy way. You are less attached to the outcome and more attached to building up the relationship and solving the problem.

Know your needs.

Be clear on what you need and be specific about it. It is also helpful to know how important the need is to you. I may ask my husband to help me carry in the groceries, and it is just a request, and later that week, I may ask him, and I need the help. Know and communicate the difference. Because needy people are vague and indirect in what they need, they ask for many things, but none fill the need because they don't know what will fill them.

Be Direct.

Speak your need directly and honestly. Needy people use mind-reading, manipulation, passive-aggressiveness, and pouting to express their needs.

A Willingness to Hear No.

Sometimes needs can't be met, and that is ok. Be willing to hear no and be open to compromise.

Discernment

Needy people stay in a relationship well past its expiration date. Knowing when to recognize that someone can respect and meet your needs is important. If someone is unwilling to listen, comprise, and respect your needs, then it is time to practice some discernment about having that person in your life.

The Danger in the Phrase "Well, They Have it Worse"

Here are some common phrases I hear when it comes to sadness:

"Well, so and so has it so much worse, I can't complain." (Left unspoken: I mean I am buried under so much grief and pain, but I don't think anyone cares, so I better just suck it up)

"At least I am not so and so. I can't imagine what they are going through." (Left unspoken: because I am struggling here and feel like a loser because it is so hard)

"I SHOULD be grateful at least we don't have it as bad as so and so" (Left unspoken: I am grateful for my life, and I don't want to be dealing with this other issue that is hard)

"Complaining doesn't do you any good...just need to keep soldiering on." (Left unspoken: Soldiering on is all I know to do because again no one really cares...I mean, I haven't shared it with anyone, but I know they won't care)

"My life is great (left unspoken...I mean, I am miserable and hate getting out of bed), but from the outside, my life looks great."

I hear these quotes every day from my friends, clients, and family. And my first thought is, when is it bad enough to complain? When do we get to sit down and just cry our eyes out, lose our sh*t and feel the pain?

When someone dies?

When someone has major pain and then dies?

When someone is disabled, has major pain, and then dies?

When someone is disabled, has major pain, has dementia, and then dies?

Here's the thing, someone ALWAYS has it worse. If you look long enough and hard enough, you will find someone else with a worse story, more suffering, and more pain.

Since when is our ability to feel sadness, grief, and pain contingent on the severity of the problem?

Somewhere along the line, we convinced ourselves that we are polite by not sharing our suffering, and I will call BS on that.

We aren't polite; we are silently suffering. We are hiding our pain, fear, and sadness in the guise of polite. Polite doesn't protect us from pain; it doesn't keep the suffering away (from us or anyone else). It doesn't even protect us from being vulnerable.

Here is one thing I know for sure, believe me, I do not want this fact to be true: If we don't experience our pain, it will show up over and over again until we deal with it. We carry our unexpressed grief and pain with us, and it comes back and gets compounded with every new grief and loss. It oozes out in our anxiety and stress; it shows up in our backaches and stomachaches. It appears in our drinking of a glass or 3 of wine and our eating of a bag of chips.

Emotions are like a bad penny. We can't get rid of them unless we acknowledge them, share them and shower them with compassion.

It is OK to be scared, angry, or sad REGARDLESS if you believe someone else has it worse. You ignoring your pain does NOTHING to soothe theirs. You ignoring your pain doesn't make you feel more gratitude, feel better or help anyone ever.

So let's stop belittling our stories and everyone else's. Let's stop comparing our pain. Let's stop being so damn polite. Next time you hear yourself or anyone else says one of those statements above.

• Remind them it is OK to feel sad.

• Remind them not feeling their pain doesn't help anyone.

• And if it is someone else, remind them you are there for them if they want to talk

When the Message Be Grateful Becomes Belittling

Meet Claire.

Claire has 2 active, intelligent boys, a supportive husband, and a job that she enjoys and makes decent money. Claire has a beautiful house, and on the weekend, she and her husband work in the yard while the kids play. Claire and her husband have an active social life and frequently go out with friends in addition to their monthly (they try for weekly but don't always make it) date night. Claire volunteers at the school when she can and is active in her community. Claire is friendly and kind and always has a smile on her face.

Meet the REAL Claire.

Claire has two boys. Claire has regular insomnia worrying about her kids: Is she doing enough for them? Are they well-rounded enough? Does she work too much?

Claire loves her husband and their relationship. She wishes they communicated better and were more intimate, but she frequently stops those thoughts by telling herself she has it better than most and should be grateful. He treats her well, isn't cheating on her, and although they don't talk about much other than work and the kids, she loves him and enjoys their life.

Claire's job is extremely stressful. She frequently feels not good enough at work. Her boss is a terror and enjoys managing through shame and belittling. Claire tries so hard to juggle all the expectations her boss has for her. She knows they need the money from her income, and she is so specialized it would be hard to find something different at this point. She tells herself she should be grateful. A lot of people don't have the opportunities she does.

Claire is so tired of feeling not enough. She is tired of her schedule dictating her life. She is tired of her friends saying, "You have a great life, you have it all together, how do you do it?!?" When inside, Claire feels like a failure. She just wants to be happy or, at least, happier. She is tired of pretending, and she just doesn't know how to jump off this crazy treadmill she is on. How did she get here to this place where she always wanted to be, and yet it just isn't enough? What is wrong with her? How can she be so ungrateful for her life?

Claire can't win. It is a vice in which many of my clients are stuck. On the one hand, she has what appears to be a great life. She has all the trappings of success. She has all the things we are all told to go after, achieve and gain in our lives, and she is happy with those things. From the outside, she looks incredible. And Claire is grateful for that, BUT on the inside, it is a very different story. Claire wants more from her life.

However, the minute Claire starts noticing she wants to make some changes or that her life isn't what she wants it to be, she hammers herself with thoughts of being ungrateful and unworthy. She stops herself from exploring her thoughts, feelings, and needs by telling herself things like:

it could be worse.

you have it so good.

don't get too big for your britches.

have some gratitude

this is what you wanted for your life

you should be celebrating.

Claire has spun the phrase 'be grateful' into a belittling hurtful phrase.

Well, Claire, that, my friend, is BS.

Here is the thing.

TRUTH: Claire has a great life for which she is grateful.

TRUTH: Claire wants more out of her life.

BOTH are true, and that is OK.

Claire has a great life, beautiful kids, a loving marriage, and a beautiful home, AND she wants more. Not MORE STUFF, not MORE SUCCESS, and not MORE of what people told her she SHOULD want.

Claire wants MORE DEPTH, MORE INTENTION, MORE of what's REAL for Claire.

Here's a new paradigm: 

What if Claire is grateful for her life AND wants a greater connection with her husband, less anxiety about her job, less feelings of unworthiness and insecurity?

What if Claire wants to be seen for who she is and not what everyone wants her to be?

What if Claire is happy for all she has achieved, and now she sees her life differently?

What if she doesn't care if people think she has a great life as long as Claire thinks she has a great life?

At one point, Claire, myself, and many of my clients were told a lie:

• don't be too demanding,

• don't want too much,

• don't change your mind.

I am not saying Claire needs to leave her husband, sell her house, or even quit her job.

I AM saying Claire needs to start honoring that voice in her that says,

"Hey, what if I talked to my husband about building a stronger connection?" or

"What if we slowed down our social calendar, so we had more time together as a family?" or

"What if I got clear on the type of life I want and what I need and started actively making baby steps towards that life?'

We get into trouble when we shut down that voice. When we follow the small whispering wise voice, "Hey, what if I asked my husband on a date tonight, no phones no work, no kids talk.", with the loud, belittling inner bullying voice which says, 'HEY, BE GRATEFUL, GET IN LINE, SHUT UP, DON'T ROCK THE BOAT AND APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE.'

Instead, lovingly remind yourself you are grateful you DO have a great life, AND that doesn't mean you have to settle. You can be grateful AND want more.

The Story of Two Snakes

Amanda has two loving parents who both love Amanda, but they have a lot going on. For many reasons (addiction, narcissism, work demands, etc.), they are distracted parents. One day Amanda walks onto the screened-in porch to play with her toys, and she sees a snake. Amanda screams and runs to the kitchen to tell her mother. Amanda's mother is on the phone for work and doesn't have time to deal with Amanda. She briefly puts her call on hold and listens as Amanda tells her about the snake and her fears. Amanda's mother dismisses Amanda and tells her to go back on the porch and play. She says to Amanda, "I have never seen a snake. I am sure everything is fine. You are just overreacting!" Amanda decided she must be wrong and heads back out to the porch to continue to play even though the snake is still there. (Wisely, she moves to the other side of the porch.)

In summary, Amanda sees something alarming—she gets scared—she shares her fear and her experience with her Mom, and she gets dismissed. Over time, Amanda learns that her thoughts, feelings, and needs aren't valid. She learns to look externally for guidance and support rather than trusting her instincts.

Now let's visit Anne. Anne has two loving parents who are also trying to raise their children the best they can. One day, Anne walks onto the screened-in porch to play with her toys and sees a snake. Anne screams and immediately runs to the kitchen to tell her mother. Anne's mother is also on the phone, but she puts her call on hold to listen to Anne. Anne's mother says, "Oh My Goodness! A snake that is so scary, don't worry. I will take care of it, thanks for telling me." Anne's mother then removes the snake from the back porch.

Moral of the story. Anne sees something alarming—she gets scared—she shares her fear, and her experience is supported. Anne learns to trust herself. She learns when she shares her fears, they will be acknowledged and heard.

Fill in snake with any fear, shame, or doubt we had as a child, and the more our experience was ignored or dismissed, the less likely we are to be loyal to ourselves.

Amanda learned that she can't trust her instincts at an early age and should listen to other people for what she should think, trust, and believe. On the other hand, Anne learned that she could trust her instincts and innate wisdom at an early age. Very different experiences —very different lives.

So how does not being loyal to yourself show up in your adult life?

• One of the favorite parts about yourself is your soft, gentle heart. Your kindness and compassion for others is a double edge sword. Kindness and compassion come easy to you. But sometimes, you wish you didn't get taken advantage of quite so often. In building self-loyalty, you learn to value yourself and your kindness without getting sucked into over-caring.

• You TRY so hard to do it right, be the good girl. In building self-loyalty, you learn that being a good girl is an old message that is never satisfied, and you begin to value that messing up is also valuable.

• On the outside, you appear strong, confidant. People love you, but you feel like no one knows you. Your life is filled with activities, but most of them you don't want to attend. In building self-loyalty, you learn what activities and people you want in your life and how to cultivate those relationships.

• Angst, anxiety, overanalyzing is a way of life. You have a love-hate relationship with it. On the one hand, it is exhausting, but on the other hand, it keeps you on task and accountable. Where would you be without your inner critic? In building self-loyalty, you learn that listening to your biggest fan who is kind, gentle, and wise helps you succeed without the belittling and shame.

How to Switch Your Committee Members to Support People

Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that we couldn't trust ourselves. Whether it is a need for approval, the desire to 'do it right,' or fear of hearing our Monger goes off on us, we have learned to take our decisions to the committee. A committee can consist of various people, including co-workers, spouses, friends, parents, therapists, or ministers. Whenever there is a decision to be made or a change that we are debating, we feel the need to 'check in' with as many people as possible.

A couple of scenarios:

You get an offer to interview for a new job at your company. It isn't your ideal job, the pay is more but the hours are more as well. You have been thinking of leaving the company altogether and trying something different, but bottom line, you don't know if you want it. So you ask your best friend. She is looking for a job and would LOVE to have an offer on the table, so she encourages you to take the job! You ask your husband. He has been stressed about finances lately, so he encourages you to take it since the job makes more money. You ask your mom. She is worried that you are spreading yourself too thin, and since this job is more hours, she thinks you shouldn't take it. By the time you have asked all your committee members, your head is spinning, and you don't know which way is up.

You have a new idea to raise money for the charity you volunteer with. You believe it is a fantastic idea and will bring in a lot of money to the organization. You run the idea past your friend who is familiar with the charity, and she makes some tweaks to it. You run the idea past your co-worker (who knows nothing about the idea), and she makes a few minor suggestions. You run the idea past your oldest son, and he gives you a few more tweaks. You add all the tweaks and take the idea (which looks nothing like your original idea) into the meeting, and as the board starts talking, you realize they have taken the idea back to how you originally had it---minus all the tweaks. If only you would have listened to yourself!!!

I use to go to the committee about everything from cutting my hair to deciding which house to buy. Eventually, I realized although my committee means well:

• they aren't really listening to me.

• they are giving feedback based on their agenda.

• and my biggest ah-ha they are acting this way because I am giving them permission to.

Here's the deal you need people to talk to. You need advice and insight from time to time. You need SUPPORT PEOPLE. You don't need a committee of talking heads weighing in on the crucial decisions of YOUR LIFE. You need to start flexing your inner knowing muscle--to start trusting yourself and your decisions. One of the first steps in learning how to trust yourself is to switch your committee members into support people.

How to move from a Committee to Support People:

1. Pause and take some time to figure out what you want/need
   NOTE: This might take a few do-overs meaning you might catch yourself running to a committee member and then thinking, "Oh crap, I was supposed to pause." That's ok. Just note it and as soon as you can, pause and figure out what YOU want and need.

2. Once you have the answer or at least your leanings toward an answer, reach out to those people in your life you trust and ask them to listen to your issue. Lovingly, share with them that you don't want their advice right now. You just need them to be a sounding board.
   NOTE: Now, this is where it can get tricky because you have taught your committee members that you LOVE their advice and input. Now you are changing the rules. You are asking them to be Support People, which means to be LISTEN and hear YOUR thoughts before weighing in. So you might need to circle back a couple of times as they try to offer you advice and remind them you just need them to be a sounding board. 

3. Pay attention to how much your committee member struggles with just listening. Use your discernment here to decide if this person should remain a committee member or can take the promotion to support person.

4. After you have shared your thoughts and the support person has shared their insights, thank them for trying it a new way.

Remember, this is a process and might take a few tries. Be patient with yourself and with your committee members as you all make the transition to Support People.

The Answer is not in the Top 5 Lists

This week my Monger and anxiety got the best of me. One of my go-to coping mechanisms is reading as much as I can about happiness and reducing stress. I read all the articles: 5 Ways to Reduce Stress or the Top 10 Ways to Gain Happiness. Inevitably I am disappointed because I am reminded that the answer is not OUT there. It is internal. I see it in my clients as well. They see me looking for the answer as if it is something external from them. Then I remind them, it is all right there. Slow down, breathe, and have some self-compassion. And they realize yes, they know what to do.

We KNOW what to do. We all KNOW what to do. We can read the 5 Steps to Happiness and the 10 Ways to Reduce Stress articles until we are blue in the face. And yet, at the end of the day, we are one of the most stressed-out societies on the planet. We reach for pills, distractions, and ways to numb rather than implementing the 5 step articles.

I have been questioning this pattern for many months now. And after questioning and observing myself and others, I have found three main themes and these themes center around the need for love, compassion, and empathy.

1. We want an instant fix.

2. We don't want to be uncomfortable.

3. We do it alone.

We want an instant fix. This stuff IS hard. Implementing change, going against the mainstream of push, push, push is very challenging. Even though we all know there is no such thing as an instant fix, we desperately want one (I know I would love to take my five deep breathes and poof have all my stress disappear). It takes patience. It takes persistence. It takes showing up each day and doing the best we can with what we have. Being loving with ourselves and others and circling back when we messed up is paramount.

Pain, Sadness, Depression suck, AND they are a HUGE part of life. They are where the best lessons are lurking. That is where we experience the yin to the yang of life. Without pain, we wouldn't question, improve, search and look for love. They are HARD, and when we are inundated with 5 Steps to Happiness or 10 Ways to Experience Joy, we feel even crappier that we are feeling pain, sadness, and depression. Uncomfortable is part of life. And when we can embrace our uncomfortableness. When we can smother it with empathy and self-compassion, when we can welcome sadness and pain as a very real part of love, risk, and relationships, all of which lead to a full life, we embrace living happier.

We need other people. By far, this is one of the most important lessons I have learned in my life. Doing it alone is one of the main reasons we are so stressed, tired, and exhausted. We need to share our fears, concerns, doubts with other people. We need to build strong, healthy relationships. We need to show up for other people and make time for authentic connections. Again back to empathy, compassion, and love. When I started sharing my fears, expressing my doubts, and opening up about my sadness to the safe people in my life, my stress decreased, my anxiety lessened, and I felt stronger. Having a community is KEY and, it has gotten lost in the shuffle of success, money, and power. 

Many things go into reducing stress and living happier. Each of us has our own journeys in life. And I know the more I relax into the journey, embrace the uncomfortable and reach out to my community, the happier I am.

Self Change vs Self Hate

Too often, in the quest for personal development and change, we forget the importance of self-love and compassion. A client of mine recently pointed out how often she says, "I hate that I_____" fill in the blank, and she realized every time she said that she was saying to herself I hate myself, I wish I were a different person. Yikes!

I have certainly had my brush with this phenomenon. One trait of mine that I am overly critical about is my love of quiet alone time. Given a choice between a night on the couch with my nearest and dearest and a party, I will almost always pick the night on the couch. I enjoy a good party from TIME to TIME, but those times are few and far between.

Last year, during our annual trip to the Smoky Mountains, I experienced a rise of self-hatred. After dinner with my parents, my husband and I headed to the bonfire behind our hotel. Upon our arrival, it was only us. We enjoyed the fire and chatted quietly, making s'mores and having fun. Soon a large group of people arrived on the scene: all couples and all our age. We had interacted with a few of them during our stay, but for the most part, they were strangers. My nearest and dearest, who has never met a stranger, immediately started chatting and laughing with the people as I hung back, wishing for the time before they arrived when it was just him and me.

Quickly, my Monger stepped in to tell me how socially awkward I am and how I will die alone because I am such a FREAK about talking to people, and I heard myself say I HATE that I am such an introvert. Before I knew it, I was in an all-out spiral about what a terrible person I was because I wasn't working on changing my social abilities and how I was keeping my husband back from being more social on and on and on. The following day, I recognized that I had spiraled down a dark rabbit hole and caused myself a lot of unnecessary anxiety. Because the bottom line is: I am an introvert. I have come a LONG way in my ability to socialize, and I am an introvert. I will always have a preference for being alone or in small groups. And that is ok. It is equally ok that my nearest and dearest is an extrovert. He prefers chatting with people and gains a lot of energy from having conversations with strangers. We are different.

As my client, I started building awareness around how often I turned on myself for innate qualities. We are all unique. We all bring unique characteristics to the world that make us extraordinary. Self-change and personal development is amazing, but we are off track if we use them as a reason to hate ourselves. When we embrace ourselves with love and compassion, that is when real change can occur. When we can lean into our anxiety and stop railing against it, that's when we can make the most positive change.

Why Self Help Might Be Causing you Anxiety

The genre of self-help gets a bad rap. It gets a bad rap because there is a lot of bad self-help out there. There is also a lot of good self-help out there (I like to think I fall into that category). But I know I went through a period where my quest to feel better and live happier sent me to the Self Help Section of every book store. My shelves are filled with the "10 ways to Bust Fear" and the "5 Ways to Find Happiness". Eventually, I realized that this self-help wasn't helping my anxiety; it was causing it. I see it with my clients who know some self-help principles and try to implement them into their lives, only to feel discouraged that it isn't working.

I think self-help causes anxiety because it makes us believe:

There is an End Point. We are sold the belief, once you master the five ways, THEN you will find happiness. They don't tell you that it will take a lifetime to master the five ways if you are diligent, intentional, and committed. There is a sign that hangs in my office that says "Enjoy the Journey" it is a reminder that I refer to daily that there is no endpoint. This is a process, a journey, and our job is to enjoy it as much as possible with all of its crazy ups and downs.

There is a Right Way. There is no right way to do your life. The more you look outside of yourself for the answer, the further you will be from finding it. When we live our lives based on what other people think, we can lose sight of what we are thinking. Yes, we can listen to other perspectives and get insight. But too often, when we are seeking answers, we lose the skill of discernment. We forget to ask ourselves: Does this perspective fit my life, and if so, how can I best implement it? Instead, we attempt to swallow the advice whole and then get anxious and blame ourselves when we can't do it 'right.'

It is Easy. Bottom line. This stuff is hard. We might break it down to 5 steps, but those five steps are far from easy. Just because there are few principles doesn't make it easy. A mathematician might solve a math problem in 5 steps, but each of those steps takes a lot of knowledge and explanation. Self Help is a daily practice, some days easier than others. But it is a practice of resilience and intention. The belief that it is easy is the one that annoys me the most because it leaves us feeling anxious and asking, 'what is wrong with me?' when it doesn't come easy. We see experts telling us how extraordinary their lives are because they have practiced the five principles of success. Meanwhile, we don't see their crappy relationships, their ignored children, or their depleted finances. I am NOT saying all Self Help/Psychology experts are charlatans; I am saying it is the experts saying, "all the cool kids are doing it, it is so easy" that we should be suspicious.

The people who I have learned the most from, such as Elizabeth Gilbert, Brené Brown, Dan Harris, or Tara Brach (to name a few), are transparent with their struggles. They are not selling the ease of the practice but the serenity that comes from it.

When we stop looking for the answer outside of ourselves and realize all the wisdom we need comes from getting quiet, paying attention, and listening, then we can live happier.

Making Yourself A Priority

The term self-care is WAY over-used. It always seems too trite--get a massage, take a bubble bath, eat fancy chocolates. Those are cursory examples of self-care. A big part of reducing anxiety is knowing your values, knowing your priorities, and living your life based on those priorities. Earlier this year, I started changing my self-talk, "you need to engage in more self-care." Which, for me, means massages, bubble baths, and fancy chocolates to "you need to make yourself more of a priority."

Making myself more of a priority means:

• actively engaging in mindfulness techniques

• adding more yoga to my life

• actively participating in what I wanted to do in my life.

• Looking at myself, mind, body, and spirit.

Recently, I realized that I had been ignoring the body part of body, mind, and spirit. To put myself first, I needed to take a hard look at how I was treating my body. What food was I feeding myself? How was I eating? When was I eating? How was I moving my body? etc.

Last year, I had a few health issues that took me away from my regular workout routine and left me feeling pretty much old and defeated. I realized I couldn't make myself a priority unless I made my body a priority. My body has always been a touchy subject. I wasn't an overweight child; I wasn't even an overweight 20-year-old, but I never loved and appreciated my body. It wasn't until my 30s that weight became an issue. But since then, I have yo-yoed and dieted, worked out like a crazy person, and restricted way too much. By the time I hit 40, I was 80 lbs overweight and tired of the whole weight game, so I decided at 40, enough was enough. I was done thinking about food and diets. I was tired of shaming myself into eating the 'right' foods and weighing the 'right amount. I would eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and try to bring as much mindfulness to it as possible. And I did just that; I ate when I was hungry and ate whatever I wanted. I didn't gain any weight----I didn't lose any weight either, I maintained. But slowly, over time, the mindfulness peace faded away, and I just ended up ignoring my body. I knew I had been ignoring my body, and I also knew I didn't want to go back to the place of shame and ridicule about my body.

Then one day, I was procrastinating writing and randomly googling things, and I came across this article about Oprah's weight struggles, and I realized I am out of balance. I have lost touch with myself as a priority. I loved what Oprah says, "I am not hungry for food. I am hungry for balance." And so that has what I have started doing, asking myself what I am hungry for. Sometimes it is actual hunger, but most of the time, it is balance, a break, a hug, or a chance to let go and step back. Self-care has become a place where I notice my body, notice how I feel in my body, notice how food cravings come up, notice how certain foods make me feel.

Weight, diets, bodies are such dirty words in our society. The truth is carrying extra weight is bad for my health. The truth is food can't make me feel a certain way. The year of eating whatever I want hasn't made me feel more peaceful---it has been WAY easier--but not more peaceful. What has been more peaceful? When I started putting myself, my health, and my body as a top priority again.

Your struggle may not be weight, but I ask you:

Where are you not putting yourself as a priority? At work? At home? In your body?

What are you HUNGRY for?

When Will I Be Good Enough?

Pause. Take a breath and ask yourself, "When Will I Be Good Enough?" and wait.

When you

• finish everything on your to-do list?

• live life on your terms?

• quit your job?

• successfully raise your kids?

For many people, the answer to that question is "I don't know." The self-help, psychology answer is: You are enough right now. You are enough just because you are on this planet as a member of the earth. While, yes, we are all enough right now, we need to answer this question of "When will I be good enough?" on a personal level. We just haven't chosen to examine the answer because we have falsely tied our productivity to feeling worthy and good enough.

Much of our society is fed by the rule: The more productive you are, the more worthy you are.

When we go to a party, we are asked, "What do you do?" or "Where do you work?"

When we are asked the question, "How are you?" We reply with "Busy, busy busy, I don't know where the time goes," and the response is a knowing nod.

We are plagued by the "never enough time" lament and the "who had less sleep" competition. And because of it, we are an overwhelmed, exhausted, unhappy society.

On the first night of the Daring Greatly course, we talk about Brené Brown's Guideposts for Wholehearted Living, and #7 is Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self‐Worth.

When I read that out loud to the group, there was an audible sigh followed by, "Yes, I want to do that! I want to stop trying everything to my productivity!! How do I do that?!?"

And the answer is one of those simple yet oh so complex responses: 

• Pay attention and gradually start re-programming the go-go-go mentality.

• Notice how many times you get stuck in the busy, busy, busy mentality. How often do you lament "I am SO busy" or litany off your to-do list to yourself or someone else in the hopes of looking busy? Because busy is such a comfortable habit for many of us, I have found it helpful to build natural stopping points throughout the day to check-in and see if I am falling victim to my to-do list. You might post sticky notes around the house, so when you see a sticky note, you check-in or set the alarm on your phone, and every time it rings, you check-in.

• Notice how often your Monger starts hammering you when you decide to enjoy some play and rest. Notice what she says. Notice the themes of the messages. Lovingly ask it to be quiet because you are playing right now.

• Each time you catch yourself getting caught up in the belief system "that the more I do, the better I am," remind yourself that you are good enough now.

• Ask yourself:

  • What do I want my life to feel like?

  • Is doing, doing, doing helping me feel that way?

  • Does feeling anxious, stressed, and busy make me feel good?

  • Can I step out of the busy, busy, busy mode for 5 minutes?

• Gradually, as you practice building awareness and taking a break from the go, go, go, you will take longer and longer breaks. Five minutes will be ten which will expand to 45 minutes and then 90. And over time, your body will recognize how wonderful it feels not to be chasing the carrot.

• Find like-minded people who also want to decrease the concept that I am only worthy if I am productive. Engage in real conversations about:

  • What you want out of life,

  • How would you answer the question when will I be good enough?

  • How you want your life to feel?

  • What can you do to decrease the pull of society to be busy, busy, busy?

No matter how much you check off your list, the carrot will just keep moving. Serenity only comes when you start letting go of the societal definition of success and get clear on your definition of success.

I'll ask it again: When Will I Be Good Enough?

Decreasing Anxiety in a Quick Fix Society

Life moves fast. All day long, there are millions of pieces of information flying at us on how to be better, more successful, and of course, happier. There is so much talk of instant gratification, fad diets, quick fixes, and fast money. And with all the fast-moving, instant messaging, snap chatting, there is a push back a yearning for quiet, meditation, simple pleasures, and enjoying the little things. These two polarities are ever-present in our lives.

On the one hand, we know to engage with life, we need to disconnect, and on the other hand, we know that society and our Monger are telling us to keep up, get stuff done and be successful. It is enough to make even the calmest person anxious (heaven forbid, you already struggle with anxiety!). So, what are we supposed to do?

What are we supposed to do when we KNOW that

getting quiet and listening is the key. And yet, we are afraid of the answers that might come forth?

Living a life based on our values is life-changing. And yet, living our values might piss off a lot of people. Living our values might cause some significant upheaval in our lives?

Meditation and mindfulness is the #1 way to decrease anxiety. And yet, sitting in that quiet is almost scarier than having a heart attack?

Speaking our needs and setting healthy boundaries are important. And yet, sometimes the pushback is just too exhausting?

Admitting we aren't as perfect as we appear and we don't have it all together is important. And yet, we are scared to death be that vulnerable?

I believe we are supposed to do three things: 

Give yourself a break. Understand that decreasing anxiety and being authentic isn't going to happen overnight. They aren't a quick fix. They are lifelong practices, and there will be days that you don't want to engage in the practice. Reminder yourself THAT IS OK. Tomorrow is another day.

Show up. Shut down the auto-pilot mode and show up for your life. Notice when you are feeling anxious, when you are running into old patterns, and looking for the 'easy out.' Just Notice. Show up and be imperfect.

Ask for help. We can't do this stuff alone. Ask your inner circle to give you what you need to keep you on the path, whether that be a kick in the butt, support, or words of wisdom. Ask for help.

Embracing the Do-Over

Remember when you were a child, and you were playing a game, something went wrong (you whiffed the ball, missed the goal, or completely tanked the basket), and someone would scream "do-over," which simply meant try again. No harm, no foul--you get a free pass to try it all again. It is one of my favorite things to cry out whenever we play darts (which I LOVE playing and am terrible at). Frequently I will completely miss the board, and the dart will fall to the ground, and I say "do-over."

As adults, we don't grant ourselves a lot of do-vers. However, do-overs are a necessity in the practice of Living Happier. Anytime we are learning something new, practicing something different, or improving ourselves, we need room to make mistakes and correct them--thus the do-over. Some great examples of do-overs are:

You realize mid-sentence that the words coming out of your mouth are not phrased the way you want them to be, and the conversation is not going well, and you pause and ask, "Can we start over?".

In the middle of an argument, you realize this has taken a very bad turn; you can simply pause and say, "Let's pause and re-group here."

You end a conversation with a friend and worry that there might have been a misunderstanding, so you simply call them and say, "Can we do that conversation over?"

After walking away from a business meeting, you realize you might have joked at the wrong moment at a co-worker's expense, so you go to their office and say, "I want to apologize for making a bad joke."

Embracing the Do-Over not only allows us to decrease hurt feelings, but it allows us to practice being genuine, authentic human beings who don't always get it right the first time. Too often, we are too embarrassed to admit the need for a do-over. Our ego takes over and digs in, and we become too focused on being right, not wanting to admit we messed up, etc.

Do-overs allow us to practice the art of:

• Setting Boundaries (if it doesn't go well--you can always ask for a do-over)

• Conflict Management (if it heads down the wrong path--you can always ask for a do-over)

• Offering Empathy and Listening without Unsolicited Advice (if it heads down the wrong path--you can always ask for a do-over)

The Do-Over allows for the mistakes and inconsistencies that come with being flawed, beautiful human beings.

I guarantee, embracing the do-over will change your life.

Stopping Overwhelm

Busy, Busy, Busy. We are all extremely busy. The feeling of overwhelm seems to be something a lot of people I know are dealing with. Keeping schedules straight, remembering all the little things, and having a life seems to cause a significant energy drain. I wanted to write a few tips I have (and some I need to pay attention to myself) on dealing with overwhelm.

Do an energy inventory.

How much of your time are you spending doing activities that drain you? How much of your time are you spending doing activities you think you should do?

Sometimes we are overwhelmed by positive events, e.g. starting a new job, having a baby, moving, remodeling, etc. Change can be a major energy add and a major energy drain. Even if your life is packed with positive changes, they can be draining. So make sure you take time to add in activities that purely fill you up. Take a night to read a good book, go out with friends, veg on the couch, plan a dance party, take a walk around the block, do yoga. Whatever small activities you can add to the day to re-fill your energy is helpful.

Beware of the Shoulds.

One of the biggest energy drains I know is the activities we think we SHOULD be doing or we HAVE to do them because so and so said it. For perfectionists and people pleasers, this behavior is common because we want to make others happy and don't always think that there might be another way. When you find one of these activities, ask yourself, "What would happen if I didn't do this activity?" or "Can I brainstorm a way around this activity?" Frequently the story that we have built up in our head of the sky falling or being a terrible person isn't true.

Be honest.

You can't do it all. So figure out what you need and ask for it. Too often, we are so busy running from one thing to another don't take the time to pause and figure out where we could be getting some help. Take the time to reflect and pause and see where you could say no and where you could be asking for something to make life easier.

Take Control.

Only you can manage your energy flow. Other people aren't going to do it for you (such a bummer, I know). You need to take active control in managing your energy, e.g., saying no, speaking up, setting boundaries, and filling your time with activities that add energy.

When You Feel Like an 8th Grader Learning Advanced Calculus

I recently had someone say to me that there are days she feels like she has a Ph.D. in quieting her anxiety, and there are days she feels like a Kindergartener. Meaning there are days when everything is clicking, The Monger is in her place, anxiety takes a back seat, and she is in the flow. And then there are days where the Monger seems to live on her shoulder, anxiety is her constant companion, and life is bumpy and challenging. So very true. There is something both humbling and reassuring for me about that observation.

Last weekend I had a kindergarten experience. I am on vacation this week with my parents. My Dad has been living with Parkinson's with Dementia for the past few years. The disease is slowly taking him down both mentally and physically. My Dad, in his heyday, was Large and In Charge--a force to be reckoned with.; a man whose dynamic energy emanated from him and whom you respected just because of his mere presence. This disease has taken that from him. Bit by bit, he is no longer the Man in Charge but a 'cute old man' who gets pitying looks and knowing smiles as he walks by.

As we prepared for the vacation, I was a stress ball. Running from thing to thing and crazed about checking things off my to-do list. My number one sign that my anxiety is high is the belief that once I get everything cleared off my to-do list, I will feel better. Once I finish my to-do list, then I will be able to relax. I place my anxiety/stress into other activities. If you asked me last Friday, "What are you most stressed about?" I would have said, "my to-do list, or packing for the trip." In reality, the reason I was running as fast as possible, I was going to spend five days with my Dad. His disease, his decline, the changes in him were going to be in my face all week. There was no not going to be room for denial (one of my favorite coping mechanisms)

Last Friday, I worked until almost 10 pm, and as I was getting ready for bed, I finally took a moment to pause, breathe and be present. And the tears started flowing. I couldn't run anymore. I looked at myself in the mirror and quietly said, "Oh sweet pea, this sucks, you can't control this."

And it hit me. No matter how much I planned, no matter how much I checked off my to-do list, Dad was still sick no matter how much I took control of the vacation. This vacation wasn't going to be relaxing and carefree. This vacation would be full of ups and downs, harsh realities, frustrating situations, and tender moments. So I cried, I sobbed really, and my nearest and dearest came up and hugged me and just silently held the space for me.

I am attempting to experience this vacation with a new presence, a softened presence, a less in-control presence. I am spending my energy trying to embrace 'what is' instead of spending my energy railing against the obvious. This week I am actively working on this particular lesson, and it has involved tears, hugs, laughter, anxiety, and long walks. I admit I struggle with this particular lesson and feel like an Eight Grader learning Advanced Calculus, but I wouldn't have it any other way. This is why I teach about quieting anxiety. It is a process.

I am so honored to have you on the journey with me.

“Someone Always Has it Worse” Syndrome

We all have stories. We all have stresses and anxieties in our lives. Too often, rather than feel the emotions tied to these anxieties and stresses, we talk ourselves out of them with four simple words "Someone has it worse."

Recently at a cocktail party, a woman I talked with was sharing about her son's recent cancer diagnosis. As she described the painstaking process of getting help and the sense of loss and anger she was feeling, she quickly said, "But when you go to Children Hospital's, you can see there are children so much worse off. I feel so bad because our problems are minimal. We are lucky."

Lucky?!? Really?!? Because your son is only diagnosed with leukemia and not brain cancer? I quietly turned to her and said, "Doesn't matter what illness it is watching your child suffer has to be an emotional roller coaster" She looked at me, took a big exhale, and said, "Thank you, it has been the most challenging thing I have ever gone through."

We live in a society of comparison, one-upmanship, and well, at least I am not that person. It is humbleness gone amuck. What if we all just owned our stresses and stories? What if we were able to say to ourselves or a loved one, "Today was a tough day" and not have to hear a barrage of "think positive"; "it could be worse," or "it's not that bad." Instead, the response would be, "I am sorry you had a tough day," or "tell me about it," or "let me know if I can help."

Maybe right now you are overwhelmed with work, and you are struggling to get out of bed each morning, and you see your friend who is juggling three kids under 8, a dying parent, and a full-time job.

So you think to yourself:

"I should be better."

"I should be as strong as my friend."

"I am such a wimp."

Who is that helping?

Telling yourself, you are weak and SHOULD be like someone else because they have more severe problems? Who is that helping?

Does that make your friend feel better?

Does it make you feel better?

No and No.

It doesn't help your friend at all and makes you feel worse.

Having a bad day? It's OK.

Grieving the loss of a pet? It's OK.

Frustrated with the snow and cold? It's OK.

Whatever is registering on your stress list, it is OK to feel that stress. Someone somewhere will always have it worse. But you not feeling your pain won't take away their pain. When we ignore our pain because 'someone always has it worse,' all we are doing is ignoring our pain--we aren't helping them, and we aren't helping ourselves. We are providing a misguided excuse not to deal with our pain.

Tips to Ease Schedule Fatigue

Clients often schedule an appointment because they are tired of being tired, tired of feeling like they will rip someone's head off, tired of running from thing to thing in their lives.

So how do you stop running? How do you stop getting frustrated?

Here are my tips.

Energy Inventory. Get crystal clear on what gives you energy and what takes away your energy. Do an inventory of your life and write down everything that gives you energy and everything that exhausts you. Try to do more activities that give you energy and if you must do activities that take energy away, find ways to add activities back in that give you energy.

I Need to Get Back to You. Form a new habit of saying, "I need to get back to you." Whenever anyone asks you to do something, instead of immediately answering with an automatic "yes," say, "I need to get back to you." This response gives you a chance to check your calendar and decide if you want to do something or not.

What is your Motivation? You don't have to be everything to everyone. Next time you find yourself doing something you don't want to do or feeling frustrated by your to-do list, ask yourself WHY am I doing this activity? What is my motivation? If it is because of a sense of guilt, shame, or to make yourself feel better, then that is why you are so frustrated, most likely. Doing things and filling up your schedule to 'feel better' ALWAYS backfires because it ultimately doesn't work. Feeling better about yourself comes from within, not accomplishing more. I know too many women who over-commit to feel like a 'good mom' or a 'successful career woman' and spend their days frustrated and tired. Then the valuable people in their lives, e.g., their kids, spouses, dear friends, bear the brunt of their frustration rather than the joy of a positive woman in their lives. When we get clear on our motivation, we can let go of the activities we are doing as fillers and get clear on what is most important.

Prioritize Yourself. You are the only you on the planet. The best way to stay strong and connected with yourself and those around you is to take care of yourself. Move your body, watch what you eat, drink water, get your sleep. When you put yourself as a priority, then others will.

Unhealthy Ways to Speak Our Needs

I am a HUGE believer in speaking up for yourself. You have to not only know what you need but know how to speak up for it. Unfortunately, many of us weren’t taught how to speak up for ourselves growing up, so we learned many unhealthy coping mechanisms to get around speaking our needs.

Here are some of the most common tactics for getting around needs.

Passive Aggressive: Agreeing to do something and then sabotaging it later—being late, doing a half-assed job, punishing your partner for the tiniest thing.

Keeping Score:  You don’t ever stress about having to ask for a need because you have a running tally in your head. When a need arises, you check the running tally and say to yourself, “Well, I did this for him, so he has to do that for me.” You justify the need by keeping score.

Bait and Switch:  I confess I am guilty of this one. So you ask for one thing and then later fill in what you really want. You say to yourself, spouse, “Can you run to the grocery store to get milk?” And then she says yes, and you respond with, “Oh, and can you also get eggs, butter, spinach, and bread?” or you say, “I want to go to this party this weekend.” And then on the way there, you add, “By the way, there are going to be 100 people there, and you won’t know any of them.”

Expecting a Mind Read:  Saying, “I’m fine” when you aren’t and expecting your partner to pick up that something is wrong. Hinting through your tone of voice or veiled comments that you need someone to do something for you.

Dancing Around it.  You want someone to come over, so you say, “Remember the last time you came over, wasn’t that fun?” You don’t directly ask for the need but dancing all around it. Linda might say, “Wow, I am so tired from work today. It would be nice if dinner just magically appeared.”

Shut Down and Pout. When mind reading goes wrong, and the need doesn’t get met—you respond by shutting down and pouting. When your loved ones ask, “Is something wrong?” Your response is, “I am fine. Nothing is wrong,” when obviously something is wrong. You might stop talking to your husband altogether or go on a protest by not doing the laundry for a week.

The Super Giver: You give and give and give seemingly without needs. You might not recognize that you have needs. Suddenly you are just DONE, and you take everyone by surprise by blowing up and storming out. Pay attention to how much you deflect your needs into caretaking rather than speaking up for yourself.

Recognize yourself in one of these--you are not alone. Here are some ways to speak your needs in a healthy way.

Before Speaking Your Needs You Need to Notice Them

Clearly Speaking Your Needs

Your Stuff vs. Their Stuff

How often do you decide to do something totally 'normal' totally within reason, and someone close to you has a strong reaction that takes you by surprise, so you change your mind. It is hard to have self-loyalty. It is challenging to stand in your strength and recognize that they have a different perspective; it isn't that your behavior is bad.

These incidents happen all the time:

You decide you want to stop eating red meat for your health, for the environment, for whatever reason you want. Out to dinner, you share this news with a good friend who immediately starts firing off, "Why?" "How are you going to get your protein?" "Red meat isn't bad for you." "Don't you think that is a little extreme?"

Your son loves to paint, and he asks if he can take an art class. You wholeheartedly agree. Later as you are sharing this news with your sister, she says, "Art. That is useless. It is your job to help him learn useful things, not art. Why don't you enroll him in sports or a computer class? At least that stuff is productive."

You and your partner decide to do cell phone-free Saturdays. So you collect all the cell phones in the house and put them in a drawer to facilitate better family time. As you mention this to your mom, she says, "Well, what if I need to get a hold of you? I think that is an extreme reaction, don't you?"

In each of these stories, three things happen:

1. You feel good about your decisions. (YOUR STUFF--"Normal" decision)

2. When you share your decisions with others, they immediately go into shame, belittling, and judgment. (THEIR STUFF--"Abnormal" reaction)

3. You start questioning your decisions (YOU TAKING ON THEIR STUFF--feel like it is the wrong thing to do)

See how that happened? Call it boundaries, call it shame work, call it whatever you want. Bottom line--you took on their stuff. Their stuff could be based on 1000 things that have nothing to do with you.

Maybe your friend grew up on a farm and is passionate about red meat. Maybe she is feeling guilty about her own red meat consumption.

Maybe your sister secretly wishes someone would have encouraged her art as a child, but it got belittled out of her, so she continues that trend.

Maybe your mom is lonely and feels more safe knowing she can call you anytime. Maybe she feels guilty for not having more quality time with you when you were a child.

Honestly, the maybes don't matter because that is THEIR STUFF or that is their abnormal reaction. The goal is for you not to pick up their stuff and run with it. The goal is for you to sit proudly in your decisions and recognize that this decision works for you even if they don't agree. It doesn't have to work for them.

Hard? Yes. 

Amazingly freeing? Totally

So start paying attention to how much you pick up other people's stuff and how much their stuff influences your decisions.

When you notice this happening, remind yourself that your stuff is your stuff and their stuff is their stuff--stand strong, trust yourself, be compassionate.

Listening to Your Wisdom

Those Damn Mongers! Keeping us miserable, telling us how worthless we are. It just gets exhausting!!!

Hands down, the most helpful way I have found to deal with the Monger is first to recognize that SHE IS NOT YOU. She is a part of you that, although she appears scary and mean, is really there to keep you safe and protected. She just uses some pretty nasty techniques to make sure you stay safe.

However, recently in my work with clients (and in my self-work), I have figured out that in this process of separating your voice from the Monger’s voice, to really tell the difference between the two, you not only need to recognize the Monger’s voice but you need to recognize your voice too. I refer to this voice as Your Biggest Fan because she reminds me that you are valuable, lovable, worthy period. You can call it whatever appeals to you, Your Intuition, The Voice of God, or Your Authentic voice, whatever settles best with you. The name doesn’t matter; it is what this voice is doing/saying.

Your Biggest Fan is loving, kind, and compassionate. And this voice usually starts in a whisper. This voice would never in a million years think to belittle yourself. As we grow up and learn how to adapt and survive in our environment, our Monger gets formed. She appears because of messages in the environment, traits we inherited, coping skills, and basically the stuff that just happens living as a human being. Over time our Monger gets stronger and stronger, and our Biggest Fan gets quieter and quieter. I believe it is our job to turn up the volume on our Biggest Fan and turn down the volume on the Monger.

All of this volume adjusting takes time. It is a process filled with awareness, compassion, and curiosity. I have discussed the process for dealing with Mongering here and here. But today, I want to give up tips for tapping into that Biggest Fan Voice.

Be Quiet and Listen: “Well, duh,” you might be saying. But honestly, we all KNOW we should get quiet and listen, but how often do we REALLY do it?!?!? Turn off the radio in the car, turn off the podcast while you cook dinner, turn down the endless chatter and just be quiet. Take 5 minutes in the AM or before you walk into work and just BE.  

Play: What did you LOVE to do as a child? Play tag? Tennis? Basketball? Hide and Seek? Make S’mores? Crafts? Color? There are 1,000 ideas for playtime. The point is to tap back into your roots. The Biggest Fan lives here in the wild, unfettered place in you. Sometimes we have our lids screwed down so tight that the pot that is our life is just going to explode. We need to let loose and play a little. And then Listen. Listen to that belly laugh, feel the smile on your face, hear the joy exuding from your every pore. This is where the Biggest Fan is.

Practice Compassion: Regularly throughout the day, practice compassion with yourself. I put my hands over my heart and remind myself that I am loved, I am ok, and I got this, and I sit there for a few seconds and just breathe. It just settles everything down, and I can tap into my Biggest Fan. So practice compassion with your kids, your friends, and your partner. Let them know how much they mean to you, remind yourself they are doing the best they can with what they have. Spread the love to those around you too.

Practice Gratitude: Take a few moments in the day to look around and just be thankful for what you can see, feel, and touch around you. Be specific. Right now, as I look around my office, I am thankful for my cat curled up on my desk, my fan providing me with cool air, the view of the amazing trees out my window, the many cards my nearest and dearest has given me, the picture I bought on my trip to Peru. As I engage in this activity, the list becomes longer and longer, and I become more and more tapped into my uniqueness and my Biggest Fan.

Getting a Tune-Up

I love my job watching people grow over time, having clients return, and sharing how they have grown and where they are struggling. My counseling model is one of co-creating. I don't tell clients how many sessions they will need to be 'healed'; I don't give them an exact action plan. While my style is direct, practical, and straightforward, I am a HUGE believer in individual process. So at the end of each session, we decide together how to move forward. Frequently, clients come to me, work through things for a few sessions, and then go out into the world and practice what we are working on. And then months, even years later, they come back to me having spiraled up to a new place on their journey. And so we chat, we work through things, and then they go out into the world to practice what we are working on. I call this the 'tune-up' model. Now and then, we all need a minor tune-up.

I love the tune-up model. The idea that as we grow, we have people that we can come back to, touch base with who know our story, know where we have been, and will hold our hand as we move to the next place. Someone who might be a few steps ahead of us or even miles ahead of us but is willing to go back in their journey and stand with us as we move forward; I am blessed and honored when clients choose me to be that person who helps them continually spiral up.

The place I see my clients and myself get stuck is when we beat ourselves up for needing more help. Because we believe that we should have fixed ourselves, we see a tune-up as a failure. While I believe we can grow, learn, and change, being permanently fixed is highly unlikely. We can find a solution. We can limit anxiety, quiet the Monger and learn how to set boundaries. We can go out into the world feeling excited and refreshed at what we have learned. And then we hit a wall, have to set a different kind of boundary or experience a Monger that knocks us to our knees. That doesn't mean we have failed. That doesn't mean we have gone backward. Instead, we have expanded to the next spiral. We have moved up to the next level, and now we are dealing with what may feel like similar issues that we had before but on a much higher (more complex) level. That place is when we need to reach out for help.

So the next time you hit the wall, and you feel like you have failed and feel like you are learning the same lesson over and over. Remind yourself that you might need a tune-up, a check-in, a helping hand to guide you to the next spiral. Remember, it is all part of the process. It is all part of learning and growing and being your best self.