We All Need a Little Wiggle Room

You get an alert on your phone, and you realize you have overdrawn your checking account due to a recent Target shopping trip. The minute you see the alert, your heart sinks. You know you have money to cover it, you know it will be ok, and yet your Inner Critic starts chiming in:

"You are just an idiot with money. I am mean, how could you have thought buying THAT was a good idea!! That was just STUPID. You will NEVER get ahead when it comes to finances. Your husband should just leave you now, and then where would you be." ---Love Always, Your Inner Critic

This dialogue is a small example of an Inner Critic attack. A vicious, just want to crawl in a hole because you are the worst person in the world attack. These attacks can be debilitating! I mean, how are you going to come back from those words? According to your Inner Critic, you are a stupid loser who will never get a grip on finances and will end up a penniless divorced loser all because you spent too much at Target.

When we are in the midst of these attacks, we want to do one of two things.

1. Crawl in a hole and hide forever.

2. Lash out at our Inner Critic, a.k.a rationalize with it so it can see our side.

Sadly neither of these will work. Your Inner Critic is irrational; you will always lose a rational argument. OBVIOUSLY, you aren't going to end up a penniless, divorced loser because you overspent at Target, but if there is one thing Inner Critics love, it is absolutes.

You ALWAYS overspend.

You are a TERRIBLE wife.

You will NEVER manage your money right.

You will NEVER get a raise.

So the key is recognizing this absolute thinking. Recognize that your Monger is attacking you. (Ideally, you will do this before you crawl into bed with your covers pulled over your head. But honestly, it doesn't matter when as long as you do it)

Notice the absolutes and ask yourself: "Where can I add a little wiggle room?"

Wiggle room is that place where your Inner Critic gets softened. Practicing wiggle room means you give yourself some grace, some softness around the Inner Critic messages.

When you add wiggle room, step away from the absolutes:

FROM: You ALWAYS overspend
TO: I did overspend this one time, and I can cover it, and it will be ok.

FROM: You are a terrible wife.
TO: Actually, I am a kind, loving wife who made a mistake.

FROM: You will NEVER manage your money, right
TO: I have come a long way when it comes to overspending, this was a big problem, but it isn't anymore. I made a mistake that is easily rectified.

When I catch my Inner Critic speaking to me in absolutes, I will literally wiggle my body around to remind myself that there is room for grace and compassion here. Absolutes are the #1 sign that our Inner Critic is running the show and that we need to step in and make some wiggle room.

How to Stop Hijacking Yourself

The hardest part about dealing with Monger is noticing she is even there. The Monger is wily and subtle. She isn't a giant in-your-face monster who storms into your life and makes you miserable. No, she is much more sneaky. This sneakiness is why we often don't notice our Monger. She plays there in our heads quietly, telling us how much we suck, how terrible we are, how we could be better, thinner, cuter, smarter, friendlier, more accommodating, etc. Because she is so subtle, so wily, so creative, we listen to her and believe her. So here are some ways your Monger might be showing up in your life, and you don't even recognize it.

Procrastination. 

Your inbox is growing and growing, and you set aside an hour to plow through it, but at the end of the hour, you have made minimal progress.

How your Monger hijacked it: One of the first emails you come across is from a co-worker wanting an answer to a pressing problem. The truth is, you don't have time to research the answer right now, and you need to tell her that your plate is full, and you won't be able to get to it for a couple of weeks. As you go to write, your Monger says, "Really, you are going to tell her your plate is full? Who do you think you are? OH, you are SOOO busy, right? Well, maybe if you were better organized, you wouldn't have to dump all your work on everyone else." So you write nothing. And that repeats for a few more emails until finally, unknowingly, you give up (who can blame you!?). Why would you want to listen to that added stress to your day?

Overly Emotional Response (aka a nine response to a two event) 

It is Saturday, and you and the family arrive home after a busy day of sports and birthday parties. Your husband asks a simple question, "What's for dinner?". And your immediate response is anger. You scream, "I don't know...why is it always my job to figure out what's for dinner!!"

How your Monger hijacked it: In the car on the way home, you are thinking about what to have for dinner, AND you also think that you don't want to cook. As you start to say to your husband, "Hey, let's grab something out or help me come up with dinner?" Your Mongers starts playing in your head, "You are such a terrible mom...you can't even come up with dinner!! Give me a break, how hard is that!! It is your job to make dinner, so just do it and quit whining". You get more and more irritated, fighting with the reality that you don't want to make dinner but also having the inner war that a 'good mom always makes dinner.' So when you get home, your husband asks a simple, logical question, what's for dinner, and you are ready to explode!!

There are countless ways these two scenarios play out.

You decide you want to do some landscaping in your yard, but you give up after only an hour. Because unknowingly, your inner critic was hammering you the whole time about how untalented you were.

You are excited to go to happy hour with your new co-workers, but you decide not to go at the last minute. Because your inner critic spent most of the day telling you that you were too old, and your co-workers don't want to hang out with an old person.

You want to share your new idea at the staff meeting, but you pass when it is your turn to speak because your inner critic spent the first half of the meeting telling you how stupid the idea was and that everyone will make fun of you.

Our Monger isn't subtle and sneaky. She sidetracks us, manipulates us, and convinces us that she knows what's best. She changes our behaviors, makes us engage in activities we don't want to, and prevents us from fully showing up in our lives. Her power comes from her quiet, determined methods. So the more you start noticing her preferred methods, the easier it is to take away her power.

Pay attention to the sneaky ways your Monger shows up. Notice how often you start a task you want to do, only to end up sidetracked and derailed and ask yourself:

What happened here?

What was my inner dialogue before I quit?

Notice when you have a super emotional response to a minimal crime and ask yourself. What happened here? What was my inner dialogue before I quit?

The Two Lies that are Stressing You Out

I wanted to write about the most important relationship you have—the one with yourself.

Our Monger is a contributor to why we are stressed out. A key to working with the inner critic is having self-compassion. If you work with me, you will hear me say the words "compassion, compassion, compassion." The longer I do this work and the more I implement it, I know that this work is useless without self-compassion. Real change only comes when we love ourselves first. If we can't give ourselves compassion, we will always be in a cycle of people-pleasing, perfectionism, lack of boundaries, etc.

Not surprisingly, when I bring up the idea of compassion, I get a lot of pushback from people. There are two lies that we tell ourselves when it comes to self-compassion.

1. Self-Compassion means I am lazy. If I didn't hammer myself, I wouldn't get anything done.

2. If I practice Self-Compassion, I will always give myself the easy way out.

We have swallowed the belief we are inherently lazy, so we need to hammer constantly ourselves to accomplish anything. Without this hammer, we will become Netflix binging, chocolate-eating, lazy assholes. Here's the thing: When we go to war with ourselves, we are saying, 'You are a fat, lazy slob who can't accomplish anything without a good ass whooping!!!"

What a hostile way to live!!

NO wonder we are stressed out and exhausted...we are at constant war with ourselves. Honestly, we are innately good, loving, kind individuals. We are not robots, we are not perfect, and we are not infallible. We are human beings. So yes, sometimes we need a Netflix, binge-watching, chocolate-eating Saturday afternoon. Here's a radical idea: the more we give ourselves love and compassion, the more we will accomplish stuff. 

The truth is there are tasks and responsibilities. Stuff we HAVE to do, and sometimes we HAVE to do it when we don't want to. Practicing self-compassion doesn't mean we always give ourselves a pass or take the easy way out (myth #2). Compassion means we don't hammer ourselves into doing a task.

Because we believe lie #1, we hammer ourselves so hard that we are exhausted, insecure, and beaten up. So then our response is to give a giant 'f-you' to our inner critic, so we go the opposite way, and we give ourselves a HUGE pass. We watch too much TV, overeat and drink too much. We over-indulge in the name of 'self-compassion. But that is a bastardized version of self-compassion because those 'too much' behaviors aren't healthy. They aren't KIND to ourselves. If we were kind to ourselves, we would enjoy that stuff in moderation. We wouldn't need to overindulge because we wouldn't be giving a giant 'f-you" to our inner critic.

As I write this post, it is a Saturday morning. Honestly, the last place I want to be today is writing, but I have a lot of work to accomplish today. I have reserved today to do a lot of writing because I will be out of the office next week enjoying time with my family. So today is the only day I can check a lot of stuff off my list. I HAVE to do this work today, or I will face serious consequences. In other words, binge-watching, chocolate eating is not in my future for today.

But here is the difference between me practicing self-compassion and me hammering myself.

7:30 am

Me: Ugh, I don't want to work today. I wish I could curl up on the couch and read a good book all day.

Critic: Ok, girl, if you don't get up and at it right away, you won't get anything done--no relaxation for you, up and at your computer ASAP.

Self-Compassion: You have a lot to do today so let's start the day with a good breakfast, and you can watch one TV show you enjoy, but in exchange, you have to be in the office by 9:30.

9:45 am

Me: Well, l missed the deadline. I am just now getting to the office

Critic: Yep, you suck. I told you that you were a lazy asshole. Now you are going to be behind all day.

Self-Compassion. That's ok. Just buckle down and get this done. Let's turn off all the distractions and just concentrate on writing.

10:30 am

Me: Oh, let's check email--maybe I got an email. Oh, my cat looks so cute. Let me take a picture and post it on social media.

Critic: There you go again. You just can't be trusted. You are going to be so far behind you will NEVER get this done.

Self-Compassion: ok, what's going on? are you stuck? Why don't you want to write? We have our topics. We have the outline; you just need to do it. Let's write non-stop for 10 minutes, and then you can take a break.

11:00am

Me: Wow! that time when faster than I thought, I finished my article. Now I am going to grab some water and start on the next thing.

Self-Compassion: Nice work! Only four more things to do. We can get this stuff done and read today too!

See the difference? My self-compassionate voice is still encouraging me to get things done rather than being at war with myself. It is a teammate. It isn't giving me a free pass; it isn't telling me to take the day off. It is lovingly encouraging me to do what is best for me, which is to get my work done to enjoy my vacation and enjoy a good book once I finish everything on my list.

When Positive Thinking Becomes a Bully

Recently, I saw a quote that said something about the fact that we should stop talking about our problems and just talk about our joys, followed by the statement, "Let's stop trauma sharing." This post made my blood boil. Because from my perspective, yes, sharing our joys is a wonderful practice, but you know what we need to do more: share what's going on in our lives, both the joy and the challenges. We need to be honest with ourselves and stop berating ourselves into thinking positively all the time.

Finally, you have some peace!! You are on your way to meet a friend for coffee. Driving your car solo, you start reflecting on your life, you notice the tightening of your chest and your stomach flip as you think about:

• Your Dad, who was diagnosed with cancer.

• The upcoming presentation you have to give and your terror of public speaking.

• Your husband's announcement that he is getting a bad feeling about work and might lose his job.

• The failure of your weight loss resolution and the extra 20 lbs that make everything tighter and uncomfortable

Wow, you think, I have a lot going on, and you practice digging deeper underneath the anxiety to the emotions and then uprises that nasty "think positive" monger.

• "WOW, aren't you a crybaby? You think you have it tough! Get it together."

• "Everyone loses a father. You aren't the only one suffering."

• "You can't lose it now. Everyone is counting on you."

• "Don't let them see you sweat."

• "Suck it up and get back out there!"

Ouch! That is some nasty self-talk. This voice is what I call the bully of Positive Thinking. Positive thinking is designed to help us feel better, not to shame and belittle us. When it becomes a way that we bully ourselves, we need to take notice. 

So, you walk into the local coffee shop greet your friend. After fancy coffees are purchased, hugs are exchanged, and you settle in to chat. At your insistence, your friend goes first and starts sharing her stress with her kids, aging parents, diet disasters, and work dynamics. With each story, you nod your head and express heartfelt empathy and compassion. You completely support her and would do anything to help.

You think to yourself, "Wow, she has it tough, and she is so strong. I so admire her strength and openness about her life." And then your positive thinking bully shows up, "No one wants to hear about your stupid problems, compared to her, your problems are nothing. Quit complaining and be grateful." 

So, despite your respect for her truth-telling, when it gets to be your turn to share, rather than unloading your various stressors, you share benign anecdotes about your life. Throughout the conversation, your friend prompts you, "how is your dad?"; "are the kids doing ok? and "how's work?" To which you provide a neutral answer.

At the end of the 'coffee date,' your friend walks away feeling refreshed and re-energized, she is a little concerned that you never share anything with her, but she knows that is just you. You leave feeling more drained than when you got there because you didn't share a thing and hammered yourself the whole time in the spirit of positive thinking.

I know I have been guilty of such behavior in the past. A part of me would blame my friend for not listening to me or not being supportive when I never even gave her a chance to try to help!!

One of the best ways to decrease your anxiety is to share your truth (both the joys and the challenges) with trusted people. Notice in the example you didn't judge your friend or think she was weak. In fact, you thought she was strong for sharing her story. But on the way there, you believed all your mongers who told you to be strong, don't share, suck it up, etc.

Ironically, we respect and admire when other people share their vulnerability and openness but ridicule it in ourselves. Letting go of anxiety requires opening up and sharing with yourself and others the truth.

The fact that you are constantly thinking about your Dad.

The fact that if your husband loses his job, you will freak out!!

The fact that you regularly feel like a crappy mom even though you are trying so hard.

To have your story witnessed, to have a friend across the table nodding and agreeing with every sentence. Nothing is as amazing and anxiety-busting as having a friend hold your hand and nod their head and say, "I get it! That is so hard! What do you need?"

Positive thinking is awesome, but not when it keeps us away from owning our truth and sharing it with those closest to us.

One of the hardest things to do is share our truth. The first rule is to pick someone safe, someone who knows you and understands how hard it is for you to share. Then ease into it, share something sensitive but not SUPER sensitive, something vulnerable but not TOO vulnerable, and allow them to support you. Allow them to catch you, to give you space and love. Allow them to be there for you.

Life is challenging. We all have stressors. Positive thinking is not going to make those go away. The ONLY way we will Live Happier through life's journey is to open up and honestly share our struggles and joys with other safe people. The more we hold back our truth, the more we get stuck in our pain and the more miserable we will be.

7 Common Mantras: What is YOUR Inner Critic's Mantra?

I want to dive a little deeper into what that means and specifically into the key step of building awareness of our Monger.

There are a couple of themes I want you to remember when it comes to Monger.

1. Her intention is not evil. Her intention is to protect us and keep us safe. Safe from making a mistake, disappointing someone, or getting hurt.

2. Her method of enforcing this intention is the problem. She uses shame, belittling, and berating, which is not helpful and, unfortunately, ends up making us feel worse.

Usually, our Monger is put into place when we are kids. It could be something as significant as being smacked across the face for lying by an abusive parent. Or something as minor as being corrected by a teacher for crossing against the light. The HOW, your Monger, got there is not as important as WHAT it is afraid of.

Our Monger is a bully. And as with all bullies, she is acting out of fear. Fear that a boss will criticize you, fear that you will look stupid, or fear that we will be imperfect. When we try something new or take a risk (no matter how small), our Monger gets scared for us and resorts to the only methods she knows: shaming, belittling, and mean. So although her exterior is TOUGH and NASTY, her interior is sensitive and soft.

When we go after our Monger using her methods, it rarely works. It rarely works to tell your Monger to "Shut Up" because our Monger (as much as we hate to admit it) is a piece of us that, although well-intentioned, treat us poorly. Our job is to calm down that part of us just like we would a misbehaving child. We wouldn't shame a child into submission, so we aren't going to shame ourselves into submission.

To determine WHAT our Monger is most afraid of, we have to start building awareness—noticing when our Monger comes out and plays the most. There tend to be some common areas where our Monger chimes in with her Monger Mantra. Below are the type of beliefs and mantras I see most frequently. Within each Monger mantra, there is a kernel (usually very, very small) of truth. So I have included your compassionate response to the Monger and, where appropriate, acknowledging the kernel of truth.

Perfectionist:

Monger's Belief: I can protect you by making sure you always get it right.

Monger's Mantra: You have to get it done perfectly." "Mistakes are for losers." "If you can't do it right, don't do it."

Your Compassionate Truth: Being perfect would be incredible, but it is impossible. There is no right way. Learning from my mistakes can help me grow and become stronger.

Keeping Up with the Jones:

Monger's Belief: I can protect you by making sure you are always keeping up. To find the measuring stick to success, you have to look around and see what others are doing.

Monger's Mantra: "Look at so and so, you will never be as cool as her." "So and So has it all figured out, too bad you will never be like her."

Your Compassionate Truth: Looking at other people can give me new ideas/inspiration for my life. But comparing my insides to someone else's outsides will be an accurate image.

Task Junkie:

Monger's Belief: I can protect you by keeping you on task. The only way to keep others from seeing how lazy you are is to stay in perpetual motion.

Monger's Belief: "You are a lazy, stupid, procrastinating fool, so you had better get everything done, or THEY will find out."

Your Compassionate Truth: I am not a lazy person. Finishing the to-do list will never satisfy me because there will always be more to do. I am more motivated by celebrating my small successes rather than always falling short.

Impulse Controller:

Monger's Belief: I can protect you by making sure you don't engage in indulgent behavior. Without me, you would eat everything in sight, drink everything in sight or spend all your money. I am here to protect you from yourself.

Monger's Belief: "You are a fat, alcoholic, broke loser who requires a lot of shame to keep you and your impulses in line."

Your Compassionate Truth: Yes, sometimes I overindulge, but that doesn't make me a fat loser. Overindulgence is not a reason to beat me up. It is a red flag that shows me I need some extra love somewhere because I am trying to fill a hole with food or shopping.

People Pleaser:

Monger's Belief: I can protect you by making sure everyone likes you.  If that requires running yourself ragged, overanalyzing every situation to make sure others are happy, or beating yourself up for being inconsiderate, so be it.

Monger's Belief: "You can only find peace when other people are happy."

Your Compassionate Truth: I do get a high from pleasing other people, but I know that pleasing everyone else to the detriment of myself will not make me happy. I need to take care of myself, and those that love me will understand that.

Vigilance Guru

Monger's Belief: The world is unsafe, and you will always be hurt, so my job is to keep you safe and protected. I will always scan the world for threats and constantly tell you the bad things that will happen.

Monger's Belief: "Everything you do is dangerous, less risk=more reward" "Your best bet is to stay small and safe."

Your Compassionate Truth: Yes, the world is unsafe. But I don't want to live in constant fear. Embracing measured risk is the only way to live an engaged life.

Mistaker Keeper

Monger's Belief: I can protect you by never forgetting all the mistakes you have made in the past and reminding you of them. By guilting you for everything, you have ever done wrong; you won't make that same mistake again.

Monger's Mantra "Remember that time you...."

Your Compassionate Truth: Mistakes happen because I am human, and all I can do is admit my mistake, ask for forgiveness, forgive myself and move on.

Over the next week, pay attention to your Monger's messages. Just notice how often your Monger chimes in and how it makes you feel. 

Your Inner Critic: Why is it Always Winning?

 Hands down, one of the biggest obstacles to Living Happier is that nasty voice inside our heads. I call this voice the Monger.

According to the dictionary, a Monger:  "is a person who promotes a specified activity, situation, or feeling, especially one that is undesirable or discreditable." 

Our Monger tells us how much we suck. We are total failures, terrible parents, worthless employees, and all-around a loser of a person. (Sound a little harsh? Listen to yourself one of these days, and I bet I am not too far off.)

In addition to making us miserable, the Monger causes our anxiety to increase, leave us exhausted and frustrated, and she keeps us stuck and immobilized.

The truth is the Monger isn't the enemy. It isn't a bitch or an evil part of us. The Monger's job is to keep us safe. Her sole mission is to scan the environment for any potential harm, risk, or danger and protect us from it. The mission is a positive one; it is her method of completing this task that is the problem. She prefers to use shame, belittling, guilt, and negativity to convince us that she is here to motivate and protect us.

The thing is, the Monger is a tricky little foe. The Monger tends to go unchecked, and we believe everything the Monger says without question. Even when we have the best intentions, she engages us in a battle of wills, and unless we are aware, she will usually win.

Here is an illustration of what goes wrong when we deal with our Mongers.

Step One: Build Awareness: You start building awareness of when you hear the Monger's voice. As you are building this awareness and hearing the Monger, you engage in conversations like this:

Monger: "Way to go, you just blew that phone call! What were you thinking telling the client you could get that job done in 10 days! There is no way! You are an idiot."

You: "I know, I am an idiot. I am just going to have to work harder to get it done. I always over-promise and then get myself in a mess."
"OMG, There I go again, listening to my Monger's voice. I am such an idiot. I should be able to kick her ass. Why am I still listening to her? Oh my gosh, she just keeps winning!! Why am I letting her control me? I am so stupid" (And probably a few more curse words in there.)

See what happened there? In the spirit of building awareness of the Monger's voice, you end up belittling yourself every time you hear it.

You realize the idea is to be more loving and appreciative of yourself, not belittling, so you move on to:

Step Two: Try thinking positive and being grateful

You: "I am so negative about myself. I should be happier. I have so many things to be grateful for. I need to concentrate on those things and stop being so whiny about my life. Oh my gosh, I am so negative; even when I tell myself to be positive, I am negative! What an idiot I am. Let's try again. Well, I am grateful for my job."

Monger: "Well, you'd better be grateful because you are going to lose it if they ever catch on to how bad you are at your job."

You: "Yep, you are right, I'd better take some work home tonight, so I can get ahead and hit the deadline."

Again the Monger won by telling you even when you are trying to be grateful how much you suck.

And then eventually it moves to:

Step Three: Actually, I think I need the Monger

You: "I mean, what would happen if I didn't have this voice telling me what to do. The Monger keeps me on task, helps me be successful, and gives me a high standard to reach." I am grateful for my drive, for my need to do it well. If it weren't for the Monger, I wouldn't be half as successful as I am."

Monger: "Yep, you have a lot to get done today, and you have wasted a lot of time. Better get cracking and quit being such a whiner."

You: "Ok, I will tell my husband we can't watch that movie tonight because I have to get some work done."

And there you are back to where you started from, with the Monger winning and you working late.

So what are you supposed to do? How can you deal with this very tricky foe?

There are three keys:

1. Compassion

2. Awareness

3. Truth

Compassion: We will never quiet our Monger without compassion for ourselves. The bottom line, you can never have enough self-compassion.

Awareness:  Build awareness of your Monger with compassion. In a misguided attempt to keep you safe, the Monger is a part of you who treats you like crap. So when we yell, belittle or rationalize the Monger, it just gets louder and more belittling. So start noticing when you Monger is talking and when you simply say, "Wow, there you are again, you know I appreciate your help, and I don't need you today."

After my Monger had spent the morning hammering me, I stood in the kitchen and said, "Stop, that's it, Monger, I will not be dragged down today, so simmer down because I have work to do."

That might happen once a day, and it might happen 50 times a day. Building awareness with compassion takes time.

Honor the Truth with Compassion Your Monger might have some truth to what she is saying. In the example above, maybe you did overpromise on a deadline. Maybe you did underestimate how long something will take. Here's the kicker, just because you did something wrong and made a mistake DOES NOT MEAN YOU DESERVE TO BE BELITTLED AND SHAMED. When we own the truth, we can then move on and make appropriate changes. We can make amends or learn how to do it differently for next time. We can honor that we aren't perfect, and we make mistakes. We don't need to be shamed and belittled for being human. 

Remember: the goal isn't to silence the inner critic. The goal is to build strategies, so the inner critic isn't controlling you. You are building discernment and knowing when the Monger is serving you or not.

How to Stop Bullying Yourself

You have a great day laughing and playing with your kids at the beach, and after seeing yourself in the mirror, you beat yourself up for how you look in a bathing suit.

You get up early, workout, make a healthy breakfast, and even set an intention for the day but don't allow enough time for traffic and end up late to work. Later as you share your day with a friend, you only talk about how you were late to work. No mention of all you accomplished that morning.

You have a great time with your girlfriends, but you end up drinking too much. As you share with your husband about the weekend, all you mention is how stupid you were for drinking too much.

You find a great new job and are so happy you left your old one, and all you can keep telling yourself was what an idiot you were for not leaving sooner.

Notice that something remarkable has happened in each of these examples, an opportunity at work, putting your health and yourself first, enjoying time with girlfriends, and getting a new job. These are all activities that make you shine.

And then notice in the retelling of these amazing events, you immediately play them down, focus on the negative, or regret they took so long. In essence, you intentionally dim the light.

Sound familiar?

It is an epidemic in my office the number of women who diminish, disregard, and flat out disrespect their wins. Rather than celebrating our successes, we are either immediately moving to the next thing or bullying ourselves for how it could have gone better.

We are our worst critics. 

So what can we do about it?

1. Ask yourself what are you gaining by diminishing?

Here are some myths that keep us stuck in this behavior.

Myth:: Don't Shine too brightly. 'Good Girls' stay humble and small.
Truth: You diminishing your light, playing small, or staying humble doesn't shine the light on someone else more brightly. It just keeps you small.

Myth: If we celebrate a win, we will somehow stop striving. We need to keep driving ourselves, and if there is something to be accomplished, there is no room for celebration.
Truth: That hard-driving inner bully doesn't make us accomplish more; she just makes us miserable while we do it. Softening her voice won't make us less driven, but it will make us happier.

Myth: We believe that we have to be perfect to celebrate. That a victory, unless spotless, is not a victory.
Truth: There is no such thing as PERFECT. No matter how hard we strive, we have swallowed this myth completely, and all it is doing is making us miserable.

Maybe it is a combo of all three or something different?

2. Surround yourself with celebrators. 

Encourage your friends and family to celebrate with you and call you out when you aren't celebrating.

3. Notice how often you diminish or disregard a win and force yourself to celebrate no matter how small

Throw a dance party for one in your office, enjoy a cupcake or tell a friend about your victory.

4. Remove the word BUT from your vocabulary. Instead, use AND.

The word BUT makes everything said before it unimportant.

I had fun on the beach, BUT my butt looks big.

So while I might have had fun at the beach, what is paramount is I know my butt looked big.

I had fun on the beach, AND I wish I looked different in my bathing suit.

Both are true. And when I say it like this, I naturally tone down the "my butt looks big" comment because I realize that my butt and playing with my kids are two completely different priorities.

This simple change was a game-changer for me, once I started subbing AND for, BUT it gave me more room to celebrate and see the possibilities in life.

The 4am Visitor

Slowly, you roll over and look at the clock. "Oh good, it's 4am. I have more time to sleep," you say to yourself. Then you realize you have to go to the bathroom - a risky proposition because sleep is a valuable commodity these days. You know that if you go to the bathroom, you run the potential of running into your 4 am Visitor: The What Were You, Thinking Monger. You stumble to the bathroom, careful not to think about anything, run into anything or wake up more than necessary. As you lay back down, thinking that you have successfully dodged the enemy, you have a flashing thought of the party you went to the previous night, and it starts.

"What were you thinking wearing that dress? You looked like you were begging for attention!"

"I can't believe you said ____ to Mary. She is going to think you are a freak!"

"You totally should have said more to the host. You are so rude!"

As you lay there swimming in thought, your breath quickens, your skin gets clammy, and your chest tightens. Finally, you pull yourself out of bed, knowing sleep is futile at this point.

The 4 am Visitor is ruthless. It is one thing to deal with our Monger during the day when we are at full capacity, but at night, our defenses are down, and we are caught off guard. We have a more difficult time separating truth from reality at night, so the messages seem even more powerful and accurate.

Earlier this week, I was visited by the 4am Visitor. I spun off for a while and let her just hammer me. My heart was racing, I was freaking out about stuff I had said and done earlier that day, and I was falling for her words, hook line, and sinker. I was just about ready to give up and head down to turn on the TV when I thought: "Wait a minute, is this even true?"

That brief thought turned the What were you thinking Monger on her toes, but she quickly replied, "Of course!" and spun the story one more time back to how terrible I had been.

But by asking myself, "Is that true?" I created a gap between her and me. I could recognize that she was no longer my voice. She was the voice of the 4am Visitor. After creating that gap, I worked to change my thoughts. She was persistent, but, each time her voice filled my brain, I shifted to one of my go-to thoughts.

My go-to thoughts are those thoughts I use to help myself fall asleep such as:

• naming the 50 states

• naming the presidents

• walking through your high school, college dorm, or familiar place

• replaying a fun vacation

• reliving a fun day

Eventually (and much quicker than I thought possible), I fell asleep. When I woke up the following day, I was thrilled that I had successfully turned off my 4am Visitor.

Don't Speak to Me Like That

Imagine this scenario.

You are headed to lunch with friends. As you walk into the restaurant, the hostess says to you, "Nice dress...what made you think pink was a good color on you."

You find your friends, and you give them all a quick hug. As she is pulling away, your friend Sandy says, "Have you gained some weight? You felt a little soft around the middle".

You take your seat to look through the menu. Everyone is discussing whether to have a glass of wine or not and as you speak up, that wine sounds good. Melissa looks at you and says, "REALLY!?! You need those extra calories, drinking in the middle of the day. That is pretty pathetic."

You tell the waitress that you would like a Reuben and a glass of red, and she says, "WHAT?!?!...do you know how fatty a Reuben is...I think a salad would be a better choice!"

After lunch, everyone is enjoying their drinks and discussing the latest events around town. You chime in about a project you are excited about at work, and Mandy chimes in, "Well, who do you think you are?!, Must think you are pretty special if you think you can successfully handle that event."

As you make your way home, you accidentally pull out in front of another car. At the next light, they pull up next to you and scream, "Idiot...where did you get your license?!?!".

Can you imagine??? Can you imagine if everyone in your life talked to you this way? I doubt you would be this calm. I doubt you would just take it. You would be angry, disappointed, sad. You would react with a quick come back or at the very least a "be quiet, mind your own business."

But for many of us, these are the comments that go on in our heads all day long. No one is verbally saying them out loud, but we hear them day in and day out all day long. Our Monger is silently speaking them to ourselves.

Imagine if you had a person following you around verbalizing what your Monger repeats all day long in your head. You would be annoyed, infuriated, and astounded. The only difference is that our Monger's voice isn't heard by anyone else but ourselves. And so, they become a buzzing sound of negativity—a constant hammering of ourselves.

We associate our Monger's voice with the truth when it is our Biggest Fan that truly speaks the truth. The calm, loving voice of reason. When we can start recognizing that the negative voice inside our head is not the Biggest Fan, we can start shifting.

I have found the best way to rid ourselves of the Monger that plague us is to personify her and give her an identity separate from us.

Through drawing, coloring, painting, or creating a collage, you can personify these two parts of yourself. So you have a visual of what your Monger looks like, and whenever you hear that yippy voice, you can visualize them outside of your head and lovingly ask them to leave the room. You can also visualize your Biggest Fan and all its wisdom.

Unfortunately, the Monger will always exist. We are hard-wired to be critical of ourselves. BUT through actively engaging her, personifying her, and lovingly showing them the door, we can decrease their intensity and frequency.

Is Your Past Holding You Back?

Everyone has a dirty little secret. Maybe you lost a job--maybe you didn't graduate from college--maybe you have been divorced (multiple times). I call these our dirty little secrets. Things you are ashamed of. Things that are holding you back from doing something great.

"I want to meet someone, but I can't date. How will I tell them I have been divorced twice?"

"I hate my job, but there is no point in looking for another one because I never graduated from college."

"I will never be able to retire because I had to declare bankruptcy."

The wonderful and amazing thing about dirty little secrets:

1. We all have them.

2. Whatever our secret is--it is probably only 'dirty' to us.

Over the years, we have taken our secret and cultivated it. We have become experts at growing the secret and allowing it to limit us, hold us back and keep us stuck. We have fine-tuned the secret. The irony is that we assume that everyone in the world is judging us for divorce or bankruptcy when in reality, everyone in the world is too consumed with their dirty little secret to judge us.

Yes, your dirty little secret might be painful and shame-filled. And it deserves to be grieved, honored, and moved past. We all have dirty little secrets.

So the next time you hear yourself say, "I can't do that because I have this dirty little secret."

Pause.

Breathe.

Ask yourself:

Is my secret that dirty?

Did I learn something in the process?

Do I have unfinished stuff from this secret (Do I need to grieve, apologize, forgive myself for someone else?)

Am I a better person because of that secret?

Could someone learn from me if I shared it with the world?

What is this secret holding me back from?

How would my life be different if I worked on letting it go?

What is Really Behind All that Drama?

In the past, I have written about how insults can be more about them. Today I want to draw attention to the fact that we often get defensive and indignant about what someone said to us rather than looking at why that particular comment felt insulting. When your first reaction to someone is, "what a bitch, I can't believe she said that to me." It might be time for you to go against your first impulse to stir up a bunch of drama and pause and get curious about yourself.

Let's look at Julie and Susan.

Julie has to give a presentation for work. She knows the content, but she struggled with using technology to display her presentation. Julie was up most of the night beating herself up about how lack of technology know-how. She did the presentation, and it went well! Julie is pleased with how well it was received despite her technology ignorance. After the presentation, one of Julie's co-workers comes up to her and says, "nice job on that presentation, you nailed it. There are tons of new technologies when it comes to presentation software. If you want, I can help you next time." Her first reaction is, "What a bitch! Who does she think she is? I can't believe she had the nerve to say that to me."

Julie then runs to another co-worker and re-tells the story (maybe embellishing for effect), who is equally stunned and fuels Julie's anger. Because of all the drama, Julie's day is ruined. She totally lost sight of the fact that she nailed the presentation and made her co-worker (who was trying to help) into a raging bitch.

Now let's do that scenario a little differently, this time with Susan.

Susan gave a presentation for work, and even though she struggles a bit with technology, she muddled through Powerpoint and feels good. Even though she knows she has more to learn, she did a fantastic job considering how little she understands technology. She worked hard and prepared, and it paid off. After the presentation, Susan is feeling fabulous. One of her co-workers comes up to her and says, "Nice job on that presentation, you nailed it. There are a lot of new technologies when it comes to presentation software if you want, I can help you next time."

"Great!" Susan says. "I would love the help. I need to learn about technology. Thank you for the offer."

There are two concepts to pull from these stories.

One: We tend to get 'triggered' by someone's feedback when we are already beating ourselves up about the topic. The fact that Julie was feeling sensitive about her technology ignorance resulted in her feeling threatened by the offer to help. In that scenario, Julie's Monger became the co-worker. Even though Julie's co-worker was nice and helpful, Julie probably heard, "Wow, you really suck at technology. I could totally help you, but you might be a lost cause".

Two: Because we tend to get triggered by our own 'stuff, it is important to recognize when we get triggered AND then do a check-in to see--is this really about me? After Julie leaves the meeting and has chatted with her co-worker, her first reaction might not be to run to tell a friend but rather to stop and ask herself, "What else is going on? My reaction is way more intense than what she said to me."

Scenarios like this are why we must have good friends, so when Julie goes to share the story with a friend, rather than jumping on board and soaking up the drama, a good friend would say, "Hey, that seems like a nice offer from your co-worker, why did it trigger you so much?"

Sometimes we hear our Monger in what other people are saying. Next time you notice yourself causing drama and stirring the pot--ask what else is happening here?

When the Monger Takes Over Your Loved Ones

We have talked a lot about what to do with your Monger. But what happens when someone you love is being attacked by their Monger? Here's a story:

Linda and Jeremy are driving to Jeremy's parents for a family reunion. All of Jeremy's siblings are coming. While the kids watch a DVD in the back, Linda and Jeremy discuss the family reunion. The closer they get, the more stress Linda picks up from Jeremy. She knows his brother stresses him out, and they have some silly competition about 'who can be more manly,' and she knows that as soon as they arrive at the in-laws, her loving, caring, kind, attentive husband will turn into this sexist, 'women do all the work,' jerk. She tells herself to be understanding. He is, after all, dealing with his Monger, and if there is one thing, she knows it is to be compassionate. But it drives her crazy that he becomes a different person around his brother, and then at night, when it is just the 2 of them, he is overrun by his Monger, feeling like a bad husband, bad father, a bad man in general.

Generally, in this situation, one of 2 things happen. 

1. When they get alone time, Linda confronts Jeremy about what a jerk he is and how he turns into a sexist pig whenever he is around his brother. or 

2. Linda sucks it up, she realizes Jeremy is struggling with his mongers, and even though it drives her crazy, she says nothing. She uses all her energy to be compassionate for Jeremy.

Compassion is a wonderful thing to have for yourself, for your partner, for all the people in your life. However, compassion does not mean that you get disrespected, treated like crap, or made to feel like an idiot. I want to throw out option 3. Clearly, Linda knows this is a problem. It isn't the first time Jeremy has had this dynamic with her family. In fact, it is EVERY time. Unfortunately once, Linda gets home, she is so thankful that they are home that she forgets that this family dynamic even happens!!

In Option 3, Linda talks to Jeremy about his Monger when the subject isn't so charged. NOT on their way to, during, or even immediately after the event, but when they are both calm, connected, and have some space. So a few days after the event, once Jeremy's Monger has settled down and they are back in the normal swing of family life, Linda broaches the subject of how she feels about Jeremy's actions around his family. Linda is calm, relaxed, and compassionate. She doesn't shame, attack or belittle Jeremy. Instead, she shares how she feels and what she observes. She approaches it from a team perspective "what can WE together do to make sure your Monger doesn't go crazy, and we get to have the loving, caring Jeremy around." Instead of arguing, they have a loving discussion implementing guidelines for what they can do differently next time. 

For example, 

• develop a signal for when Jeremy starts acting out,

• give the Monger a name so Linda can lovingly refer to the Monger rather than belittling Jeremy,

• plan times when they can be alone as a family away from Jeremy's family to give him a chance to regroup.

The next time on the way to the family reunion, Linda and Jeremy can review the guidelines they put in place, and they can remind each other that it is a PROCESS. It won't go perfectly this time, but they will not be miserable at family events over time working together.

Linda doesn't have to take on the role of super compassionate victim or irate wife. Instead, she can lovingly confront her husband speak her needs, and develop a plan to overcome the Monger.

Why is Self Care so Freakin' Hard?

One hour ago, I was full of anxiety. I was unfocused; I couldn't hold a thought, and I was jumping from to-do list item to to-do list, not accomplishing anything.

A small voice in my head said, "Go workout, take a break, re-group."

This voice was met quickly by my Taskmaster Monger saying, "No way you have a TON of stuff to do today and no time for working out, you should have done it earlier, but you missed the window. So get back to work" (yep my Monger can be pretty nasty)

To which I heard the small voice, "You will feel SO much better if you take a break; you will focus more and be more productive."

For a short time, the Monger won, and I tried fruitlessly to get more done. Finally, out of pure annoyance from being so unproductive, I got up, changed my clothes, and worked out.

And here I am 60 minutes later, feeling like a new person, I am refreshed, my mind is clear and focused (I am even writing this blog post which I tried ten times before I worked out).

There has never been a time where I have gone for worked out, gone for a walk, taken a 60-second vacation where I have regretted it. So often, these are the last types of activities on my list. These types of activities are what the self-help world calls self-care. But as someone with High Functioning Anxiety who tends to put themselves last (even on their to-do list), engaging in self-care can be a challenge.

Why is that? This is most likely due to a plethora of messages we received growing up from society, teachers, mentors, society, and even our parents involving others' needs, productivity, and being selfish.

However, the more important question is: What are we going to do about it? Here is what I know for sure.

Here are three truths I know for sure

1. The harder I push myself, the less likely I will take a break. Once my Monger takes charge, it gets harder and harder to unhook her.

2. The term 'self-care doesn't inspire me to give myself a break. Maybe because of earlier programming.

3. I ALWAYS feel better when I engage in an energy shift (mindfulness, physically moving my body, getting back to nature, etc.) I like to think of it as energy-building time.

So based on those three truths, here are some ways I have found to make taking a break less freakin' hard.

Energy Breaks. I like to call the time Energy Breaks rather than Self Care. When I think that working out, going for a walk, taking a dance break will increase my energy reserves, I am more likely to engage in that activity. That thinking/phrasing appeals to me more than the term 'self-care.' Even though it IS self-care, I am more easily able to break the cycle and engage in the activity if I don't call it self-care.

Rituals. Having set times throughout the day when I have built-in time to go on an Energy Break. So between clients, I do some stretching or take a dance break. When I finish a task, I take a walk around the house. When I hit a stoplight, I take 3 deep breaths.

Schedule it. I have a scheduled workout time, and today, I just missed it because I was busy. But usually, I schedule in my Energy Breaks, so they become part of my routine.

Pay attention. Notice how you feel before and after you take a break. Build awareness around how anxious/stressed/unproductive you are before your break and contrast with how you feel after your break. As you start to build awareness around the differences in how you feel, you will be more likely to engage in the Energy Break.

6 Words to Ban from Your Vocabulary

Often in my office, I hear clients report that their Monger says to them,

"Who do you think you are to...

• take a nap."

• speak up for yourself."

• tell the neighbor no when she asks to bring her kids over for the 5th time."

• get a babysitter so you can your husband can have a night out."

• take a walk rather than cook dinner."

• put yourself first, for once."

• find a career you love."

Quite honestly, the list can go on and on. I believe this phrase is one of the most crippling phrases in the Monger's arsenal. This phrase basically keeps you from being your true self. This phrase keeps you stuck in a world of external expectations. I confess this phrase can bring me to my knees. "Who do you think you are to talk to people about living happier?" "Who do you think you are to write this stuff..." The voice is nasty, vicious, and downright mean.

The phrase Who Do You Think You Are? Speaks to our inner child to tell us to stay humble, be modest, don't stand out, and don't demand too much. It speaks to that little girl in us who so badly wanted to fit in and be accepted. And we were told or shown growing up that the best way to be accepted is to stay humble, be modest, don't stand out, and don't demand too much. But what has happened is as we have grown up, we have stayed quiet, remained humble, and not demanded enough. Now here we are as adults full of anxiety, perfectionism, and insecurity.

Here is what we can do:

1. Build awareness. Notice when this phrase starts playing in your head. Just notice it. No judgment. Just awareness.

2. Have Curiosity What causes this voice to get louder? When you do something for yourself? When you put yourself first? When you put yourself out there as an expert? When you speak up? When you show weakness or a strength? Just be aware of any patterns.

3. Get Physical. It isn't enough to just say no to the Monger or to repeat a mantra of love to yourself. You HAVE to do something physical to start re-programming yourself.

Here are some examples I have found to be helpful:

• Walking the Monger to the door (asking you to use some imagination here). When you get to the door, say, "thanks for looking out, but it is ok for me to be whoever I want to be"

• Placing your hands on your heart and lovingly reminding yourself, "Being small doesn't serve me. It is ok to stand up for myself."

• Holding your hand up to your Monger as if to say, "stop, that message is no longer valid."

The important part of step 3 is to do and say what feels best to you. It is helpful to know what the inner critic is getting upset about. So as you get curious in step 2, you might realize that the Monger seems to get riled up when you speak up for yourself or when you admit a weakness. So make sure whatever you say to your Monger fits your theme.

Get creative, experiment a little. You can sing "I am awesome" while dancing a jig in your living room. Whatever helps you disengage from your Monger.

Remember, this is a process. It takes time. Changing the Monger's voices doesn't happen overnight. So be patient with yourself and the process.

Here is the truth: You are a unique, capable, strong, vulnerable, perfectly imperfect person. You are doing the best you can with what you have. THAT is the answer to the Monger's question.

Is Worry Normal?

Recently a client said to me,

"Why do I worry and stress about everything?" "Is this normal?" "What is wrong with me?"

It is normal; in fact, I would say most women I know these days struggle with worry. Whether worrying about the to-do list, what's for dinner, or how you are raising your kids. Worry has become normalized in our society. So is worry normal? I would say yes, it is natural to worry. The more important questions around worry are:

"Is Worry Healthy? and How is it Serving Me?"

Is Worry Healthy?

A Resounding NO worry can manifest in all kinds of physical responses: headaches, digestive problems, neck pain, fatigue, insomnia, dizziness. It can also manifest by hurting our quality of life, keeping us cut off from our daily lives, keeping us disengaged, and keeping us in a constant state of panic. So on a spiritual, physical, and emotional realm, worry is extremely unhealthy! So why do we keep worrying? That is where question #2 comes in.

How is Worry Serving Me?

It is complicated. This question is getting at the why of the worry. It allows you to see the flip side. Anything you do that is ultimately unhealthy is "giving to" you in some way. Eating the donut tastes good and gives an initial sugar rush. Smoking cigarettes gives a rush of nicotine. For every unhealthy habit, there is a good side and a bad side. 

There is the myth and the reality:

Myth #1: Control. Worry gives us the illusion of control. The unconscious belief is, "If I worry about who will take care of my kids if I die, then I won't die before they are 18" "If I worry about if one of my kids will get cancer, then they won't get cancer."

Reality: I am ultimately not in control. Life is, for the most part, out of my control. And learning to live with that is HARD.

Myth#2: Taking Action. Worry makes us feel like we are DOING something. We might not be able to protect our kids 100% of the time, but if we are worrying about them, we are DOING something to protect them.

Reality: Frequently, there is nothing we can do. Worry won't keep our loved ones with cancer alive. Worry won't make your parenting skills perfect. Worry won't keep everyone safe and protected. Worry is not an action. It has no results. Worry is an absolute waste of time.

Myth #3: The Energizer Bunny Worry makes us FEEL empowered and energized. We get more done when we worry because we are in fight or flight mode. So we feel like we are getting more done.

Reality:  That energy is usually so frantic we don't do anything WELL. We might get a lot done, but we are often disengaged, disconnected, and completely discombobulated. It is no way to live.

Honestly, when you can get to the heart of the myths, you can catch yourself in these 'lies,' and you can remind yourself. Worry is a totally useless action.

Kicking your Inner Critic to the Curb

Monger is my name for the inner critic, the negative voice in your head that tells you how awful you are and how much you basically suck. When we develop a conscious practice of healing our inner critics, we can radically change our lives.

The challenge of Monger is that we get comfortable with her. We get so comfortable we don't even know that she is talking. We don't even realize that slowly, over time, she is chipping away at our self-esteem. We assume that voice is our own, and we swallow it hook line and sinker. Therefore the challenge to dealing with the Monger is to separate her voice from your wise voice. What is the wise voice, you ask? I believe we all have a wise voice, a soft, gentle whisper of a thing that is patiently and quietly telling us how gifted and talented we are—unfortunately, the louder, more persistent Monger voice tones this voice out. But when you get quiet and listen, you can hear that calm loving voice saying, "you got this, you are doing fine; keep going."

I wanted to share a personal story from my recent post about how my Monger came out to play and how I dealt with her. As you know, recently I had surgery. My body image has never been stellar, but being inactive and feeling not 100%, my body image has taken a beating in recovery mode. If I wasn't going anywhere, I had a tough time getting out of 'my uniform' of yoga pants and a t-shirt. There is nothing wrong with yoga pants, but when they become a symbol of how much you hate your body, it is an issue.

Once I realized that I was entering this downward spiral of body image hell, I started paying attention to what I was saying to myself, and wow, it was cruel. Then I started listening to what that voice sounded like, looked like, and over time I completely personified her. I called her Joan. Joan wears a tracksuit, she is very fit and skinny, and she only values fit and skinny. Joan doesn't tolerate being overweight; no matter the excuse, Joan thinks it is weak and pathetic and isn't afraid to use some pretty nasty tactics to get that message across. Over the next few days, I started noticing how often Joan was there. Let me tell you, Joan was there A LOT in the bathroom after my shower, as I was getting ready for bed, anytime I changed my clothes or looked for something to wear. Joan was just chatting away about how awful I looked and how lazy I was (I told you, Joan is pretty nasty)

Over time I noticed when Joan would show up, and I would quietly tell her to step aside. I would put my hands over my heart and ask to hear from my Biggest Fan. I would patiently listen for my wise voice to say, "you are beautiful, just as you are." Sometimes I had to stand there for 5 minutes, sometimes for 30 seconds, but inevitably the more I asked Joan to step aside, the more my Biggest Fan stepped forward. After practicing this for the past few weeks, Joan's voice has become smaller and smaller. And I have gotten better at recognizing her. So now, when she pipes up, I know what to do.

Putting a face on your Monger and giving them an identity outside of yourself will radically minimize your inner critics.

The Why Doesn't Always Matter

 One of my favorite concepts is curiosity. I fully and wholeheartedly believe the world doesn't have enough curiosity about behaviors, thoughts, emotions, and other people. We are too filled with judgment, shame, or guilt, and we miss the essential element of just being curious. Curiosity is an amazingly freeing concept.

HOWEVER, and this is where I am branching a bit. Sometimes rather than being a freeing concept, curiosity can become a practice of justifying and judgment. I notice it a lot with myself and my clients, who have the habit of justifying their stress.

Let's take Mindy.

Mindy wakes up feeling stressed, and she immediately gets curious--why am I feeling this way today. And she precedes to list of all the possible contributors:

I have a big meeting tomorrow, and I am worried about it;

my husband and I argued last night;

I wasn't as present to the kids as I should have been;

lately, I have done a lousy job of work-life balance.

Mindy does an excellent job of being curious. Obviously, Mindy has a lot of reasons to be stressed. It is in the next phase that things get sticky. Mindy does one of two things.

1. She starts beating herself up because she doesn't have that much on her plate. She has 'privilege people problems,' and she should be more grateful. OR

2. She takes the worry about her work meeting and her shame in being a lousy wife and mother and heads out the door feeling worse than she did when she woke up.

The critical part missing in Mindy's curiosity about her stress is her curiosity about giving back to herself. The curiosity around the question "why am I stressed?" is an exercise not of justification but awareness. It isn't a test to see "is my life worthy of this feeling" but rather an acknowledgment of the feeling and the factors that might be contributing to it. Mindy missed the critical part of following her stress litany with a pause, a few deep breaths, and then getting curious about what might help her ease her stress—asking herself what can I add into my life today that will give me some self-love, that will fill up my bucket again. No judgment, no shame, just acceptance.

The second step gets missed quite frequently (I am guilty of it myself). So last week, I decided to practice skipping the first step, skipping the why. I woke up and felt stressed, and I didn't go into my standard litany (similar to Mindy's). I didn't have any curiosity about what was behind the stress. I just noticed the stress. I took a couple of deep breaths, put my hands on my heart, and kept repeating to myself, "You are ok right where you are." Then after a few moments, I thought, what can I do to ease the stress? Make a cup of tea, go for a walk, call a friend, etc. 

I practiced giving myself acceptance where I was and curiosity if there was an action I could take. And I felt better. It was amazingly freeing not to get stuck in justification to not go through the why.

So if you are someone who knows, you get stuck in the why, and rather than experiencing freedom, you are experiencing shame or guilt. Try skipping the why and moving right to acceptance.

Dealing with Negative Self-Talk Part 2: Curiosity

In part 1, I started talking about the negative voice in our heads; I call it a Monger. I had so much to say I decided to make it a two-part series.

A Monger according to Merriam-Webster, is:

 "something which attempts to stir up or spread something that is usually petty or discreditable."

In Part 1, we learned about the importance of building awareness and having curiosity around our Monger. Today we are going to talk about what to do once you hear the voice.

For years, people have said you need to fight your voice. She is causing you harm, so we need to declare war on our Monger. I disagree with this theory. I have always wondered why would we want to declare war on a part of us? The Monger is a part of us.  

Regardless of how she got there, she is there, and she is doing her job, spreading half-truths and faulty logic. So rather than hating on her, what if we were curious about her?

What if every time you heard your Monger voice, you acknowledge her and had some curiosity about her? As a point of clarity, there is a HUGE difference between acknowledging her and believing her. Remember I said that she is spreading information that can be discreditable, but some of the information might be worth hearing—usually, the Monger's presentation style could use some work. By having curiosity, I am not saying engage in a battle of wills with her. The Monger tends to play dirty, is highly irrational, and extremely emotionally charged. So logical debates don't help.

By being curious, I mean, what is the Monger afraid of? What is she trying to protect you from?

Note: I know the example below might sound crazy and a little "woo woo," but I swear when I implement this behavior, it immediately relaxes my Monger and decreases her energy.  

Here is a great example: You are coming home from work, you had a meeting earlier in the day that you were responsible for that went ok. Not great, but ok. In the course of the meeting, you were assigned a job that is a little out of your comfort zone, one you KNOW you are qualified to do but haven't done it before. As you are in the car, your Monger starts talking:

 "You are going to lose your job. There is no way you can do this task. They are going to see you for the failure you are. They only gave it to you because they are desperate. You suck."

In the past, you would have driven home and gone right for the kitchen to pour yourself a glass of wine or eat a box of Oreos. But today, you welcome the voice and say,

"Hello, Monger, I hear what you are saying. What are you really afraid of? What are you protecting me from?"

And the Monger will go off again perhaps even more insistent with,

 "I KNOW you, and I know you are weak and stupid, and soon everyone at your firm will see that too."

And so you take a deep breath and calmly reply,

"Hello, Monger, I hear what you are saying. What are you really afraid of? What are you protecting me from?"

The first time you do this, you might have to repeat it 4 or 5 times, and the Monger might get more and more jazzed up and viscous. Because underneath the Monger's viciousness is a huge pile of fear and pain. The Monger is afraid of failure, success, ridicule, embarrassment, getting too big, never getting big, and the list can go on and on.

Eventually, the Monger will reply:

"I am afraid you will fail, you might look like an idiot, and this new task might just be too much for you."

And then you can say:

"Yep, I am afraid of that too, and I got this. I have been working for this for a long time, and even though I am scared too, I know we will be alright—even if I do fail—but if I don't try, I won't ever succeed".

When we hate on our Monger, tell her to go away and/or punish her, we are just making her more scared. When we can invite her and relax her, she dissipates much quicker.

The reason the last statement is so powerful is that it:

• Loving acknowledges the Monger.

• Doesn't get into a debate with her on why she is wrong.

• Tells her that you are moving forward, fear and all, and you will be ok (even if you fail)

Eventually, after having had this dialogue a few times, you will get to the point where it is unnecessary. You get the Monger themes and what she is afraid of. So when you hear your Monger talking incessantly, you can simply say:

"I know you are scared of _____, but I got this. Thanks for coming to tell me now step aside so I can do my work."

When we get stuck in fear mode or when we get stuck in the debate mode, we get stuck. The key is to move on despite the Monger and remind yourself you are ok.

Dealing with Negative Self-Talk Part 1: Building Awareness

 We all have it, that voice in the back of your head that says, "you are a terrible mom," "you can't do that," "who do you think you are?" and on and on and on. It chimes at us throughout the day, creating doubt, anxiety, depression, insecurity, and overall stuckness.

Experts disagree on where this voice comes from. Theories range from your ego, your lizard brain, limiting beliefs, and even your parents limiting beliefs. You can call it your evil twin, gremlins, vampire, demons, or, as I like to say, your monger. Regardless of what you call it, it is chatty, and she is causing damage.

A monger, according to Merriam-Webster, is: "something which attempts to stir up or spread something that is usually petty or discreditable."

And pretty much that is what our monger does, trying to get us to believe something that isn't 100% true. She isn't EVIL. She isn't out to get us. She is just trying to make us believe something that isn't 100% true. We can give 1,000 reasons as to why she is doing this: to keep us safe, to protect us from danger because she internalized messages from our parents, teachers, relatives, or friends. The WHY she talks doesn't matter. The problem is what she is saying and how she says it.  

Most of us aren't even aware of how much the monger is talking to us, to be honest. She can chat all day, every day, and many people are just unaware. They know they feel more anxious or stressed, but they are unaware that it is coming from an internal voice belittling, name-calling, and being plain nasty.

People aren't immune to the monger; they are just unaware.

Here are some scenarios in which the monger tends to get chatty:

Scenario 1: You are taking a risk trying a new task. It is stressful and challenging, and before you know it, you have quit mid-stream to grab a drink, take a nap, or eat a bag of cookies. 
What really happened: The whole time you were working on the task, your monger was talking to you, telling you how much you sucked and how you will fail. You didn't necessarily hear the monger, but you got so discouraged, exhausted, and scared that you gave up and went to soothe yourself. 

Scenario 2: On your drive home, listening to music, you are feeling pretty good. But by the time you turn the walk in your front door, you are pissed off and angry. You snap at your kids and pick on your partner the rest of the night. 
What really happened:  The monger was talking to you the whole time you were driving, telling you how worthless you are and what a failure your day was. Again, you didn't consciously hear the monger, but she created anxiety and insecurity, which you then went home and took out on your kids.

As a rule, your monger tends to get chatty when you are alone and not distracted and when you are trying something new. But it can chat all day, every day if it wants to.

The key is for you to pay attention to:

• What does your monger's voice sound like? Mean, scared, evil, belittling, passive-aggressive

• When does your monger get chatty?

• What is your reaction when your monger is chatty? Eating, drinking, shopping, watching TV, taking a nap, or working even harder--to name a few

Next, we will talk about the steps after you have built more awareness of your monger, Curiosity.

Remember, your monger is not to be feared or hated. It is a part of you, AND she doesn't have to run the show. 

What Judging Others REALLY Means...

 Judgment. It is something we all struggle with within our lives. It is a part of being human. It keeps us safe, it keeps us protected, and it keeps us small. The judgment allows us not to take risks, not stretch our boundaries, and not build connections. When we are in the mode of judging, we are tight, small, constrained. Think of yourself when you are in a conversation that involves judging--maybe it is how someone parents, how they have gained weight, or are wearing miss matching shoes. In that conversation, we are whispering, tense, and closed in. When we have a loving conversation about someone’s personality, natural gifts, or amazing talents, we are open, energized, and boisterous.

When we judge other people, it eventually comes back to bite us. Think about the last time you were on a plane. How many judgments did you have?

• The guy next to you who took up too much of the seat,

• The dad behind you who’s child screamed for half the flight,

• The couple who were running late and dashed in at the last second,

• The woman who overpacked and tried to stuff her luggage into the overhead bin (holding up the line of people boarding the plane).

You sitting there felt pretty smug and triumphant. With each judgment made, you got a little notch in your belt. You were on time, childless, under-packed, and super thin, at least that day.

The truth is, whatever we are most judgmental about in other people is what we are most judgmental about in ourselves. So the next time you are on the plane:

• You might be running late (because your connection was late)

• You overpacked because you bought one too many souvenirs and didn’t have time to check your bag

• You have a child who is just not willing to take a nap.

• You gained a few pounds, and you creep over on the seat next to yours.

Most likely, if any of these things happen to you, you will be judging yourself. You will be SUPER hard on yourself not just because you did something you aren’t proud of---but because you were judgmental of people in the past for doing the same thing, and therefore you ASSUME they are all judging you in the same way.

When we judge other people, we should immediately be thinking, “whoa, what is that saying about me?”. We tend to be the most judgmental of other people about things we are judgmental about ourselves. We tend to be judgmental about people running late--when WE have a problem running late. We tend to be judgmental about other people’s relationships when OUR relationship is suffering.

When we look at someone and say ‘they can’t do that, ‘they can’t go back to school, find a better job, be happy in their relationship, use that parenting technique.’ What we are really saying is, “I can’t do that.”

When we say. “that dress looks stupid,” what we are really saying is. “I wish I had the guts to wear a dress I wanted to.” We don’t go out of our comfort zone because we are afraid we will be judged, not by other people (although we may tell ourselves that) but by ourselves.

We are our own worst critics. For many of us, that judgment gets turned externally on to others.

As you move through your day, start paying attention to what you are most judgmental about or critical about in others and ask yourself, “What is that saying about me?” Have some curiosity about what is behind your judgments.