When High Functioning Anxiety Peaks

In part one, I talked about the  High Functioning Anxiety Wrestling Match and gave a common scenario I see all the time between the Monger and BFF. My goal for this post is to talk about how to bring in your Biggest Fan, how to handle the Monger-BFF wrestling match in that particular scenario. But in light of the increased anxiety and Monger-BFF wrestling matches I have seen in myself and my clients over the past week as we stare down more shutdowns, increased COVID risk, and the start of the Holidays, I want to address how to bring in your Biggest Fan general.

Above all, I want to say this stuff is hard. I say that because even as I write this newsletter, my Monger and BFF are wrestling. Right now, given all 2020 has thrown at us, starting what would traditionally be the start of the holiday season in the states with large gatherings with those we love, anxiety is high. And when anxiety is high, our Mongers and BFFs are louder.

First, I want to cover some methods that don't work:

Demonizing or criticizing yourself for not being better at handling your Mongers and BFFs.

Telling yourself to change your thoughts and be grateful. I rail against this idea (even though it is common in the psychology/personal development world) because it only works if we acknowledge our feelings first.

What does work:

Slowing down. By its very nature, the Monger/BFF wrestling match increases anxiety-it increases our speed. So by slowing ourselves down, we can start to unhook their messages.

Acknowledging what is happening without judgment, criticism, or trying to make ourselves happier. This practice is SO hard and so counter to our culture. When we were raised in households and/or heard the message chose happy or be grateful, we don't know how to handle those messy feelings of sadness, anger, and grief.

Last night I just let it rip. I said to my husband, "I am tired of COVID and not being able to live normally, angry that the holiday plans are turned on their heads, sad that I am missing family members, and sad for all those people who aren't going to see their parents this Thanksgiving." I shared a few more feelings and was shocked that all that messiness was in there. I was shocked that I was feeling all those things.

Even as a professional who KNOWS acknowledging feelings is the key, I still struggle to do that because the first message to myself is, "it's not that bad, a vaccine is on the way, don't dwell on the negative." That message of positivity and gratitude is hard-wired. But when that message plays there unchecked, it leads to anxiety. Because first, we need to be loyal to ourselves to allow ourselves to think or say the truth even if it is ugly.

Our Mongers will let us believe that if we allow the emotions, we will get stuck in them. In reality, the opposite is true; when we allow emotions when we express them, they will not have a stranglehold on us.

Once we allow the emotions, we can then see a bigger picture. We can recognize that this way of life isn't forever; there is light at the end of the tunnel. We can think of creative ways to celebrate the holidays. We practice gratitude and positive thinking ONLY AFTER WE HAVE ACKNOWLEDGED ALL THE MESSY FEELINGS. We try to skip a step and jump right into gratitude, and that doesn't work.

Also, when anxiety is high---as it is now. These practices aren't one and done, especially if you were raised in a household where emotions other than happy weren't ok. I know we all want a practice that will solve the anxiety permanently or at least solve it for 8 hours at a time. I have had a lot of doubt in the past few months when anxiety is so high that these methods I teach are wrong because I have had to strengthen both the frequency and the intensity of my practices. But I believe that has less to do with the power of the practices and more to do with the extraordinarily anxious time we live in.

To review--when your anxiety is high, and you notice your Monger and BFF fighting, which can show up as pushing yourself too hard, stressing over unimportant details, having trouble sleeping, procrastinating, people-pleasing, and/or numbing out.

Acknowledge your feelings. Grab a feelings sheet, and write down on a piece of paper all you are feeling. Notice how often you want to spin it to be happier or more positive and remind yourself that will happen, right now, you are being brutally honest. You can set a timer for this practice if that makes it more comfortable to have it time-bound.

Slow Down Get into your body. 

1. Give your body a stretch.

2. Touch your toes, stretch your neck, reach for the sky.

3. Let those feelings go through your body.

Kindly pull back and see the big picture. Acknowledging all you have learned, give yourself some extra kindness, some extra love. Now is the time to practice gratitude--remember gratitude doesn't wipe away the feelings of pain and sadness. It just reminds you of the blessings in your life.

The High Functioning Anxiety Wrestling Match

The common wisdom is to do what you love, find your zone of genius, and do it as much as you can. This idea sounds fantastic, find what you are naturally good at and do more of it. For those of us with High Functioning Anxiety, this idea is problematic because we keep our anxiety at bay by keeping a veneer of perfection and productivity. Therefore the closer we get to our zone of genius--the more we will need to take down the veneer of perfection. And taking down the veneer causes our High Functioning Anxiety to go haywire. To 'protect' this veneer, our Monger (critical voice) and the BFF (voice of false self-compassion) get stronger and louder the closer we get to our zone of genius.

When we start taking down the veneer, our Monger and BFF start fighting, and these 2 voices stir up all kinds of roadblocks.

Here's what it looks like:

All week you have been looking forward to Friday afternoon. You have scheduled some time to do an activity you love. Your partner is in charge of the kids, and you have 4 hours of blissful free time to explore your zone of genius, something you have been longing for for MONTHS. Sounds fantastic, right?

Here's what happened behind the scenes in your head:

You close the door take a deep breath, "Yes!" you say to yourself, "four hours to devote to my favorite activity."

Your Monger starts in, "You are so selfish, forcing your husband to take care of the kids, who do you think you are?!?! This better be AMAZING when you finish. Proving that this time was worth it." 

Followed by your BFF, "Best to ease into this; you don't want to overwhelm yourself right away. Let's start by doing some research on the internet so we can see what others have done and get some ideas."

Scrolling through your phone doing research, your Monger has LOTs of commentaries, "Oh my gosh, you could NEVER do that! Why did you think this was a good idea!?!?" 

Your stomach starts churning, your neck gets tight, and the anxiety starts to kick in.

Your BFF tries to have your back by criticizing the people you are researching. "Oh, you can do this; you know way more than her! She is an idiot! You can do so much better."

Your Monger and BFF go round and round. Your Monger is criticizing you, and your BFF is defending you by criticizing everyone else. You are exhausted and overwhelmed. Your anxiety is through the roof. You are overanalyzing EVERYTHING, and your heart is racing, your stomach is churning, so your BFF convinces you that you need to relax and take a nap.

2 hours down

You wake up feeling guilty and not refreshed. As you look around the room, you see your closet is overflowing.

"What a mess, that is what you should be doing. That would be a better use of time! Let's clean that up! You will feel better if you get your closed organized." says your Monger

You spend the next 90 minutes cleaning the closet and the rest of the bedroom.

Finally, with 30 minutes left, your Monger says, "You begged your husband for TIME, and you have completely wasted it! Let's at least make a plan, so next time you will maximize your time and not get stuck wasting it with naps and cleaning." Notice how your Monger has switched sides--she is now beating you up for NOT doing the activity---even though it was her idea NOT to do the activity in the first place.

You emerge from the room, frustrated at yourself. You hear your family laughing down the hall. As you walk into the living room, you see them all gathered on the couch watching a movie and laughing. A part of your smiles and your heart is warmed, seeing them laughing and happy. You want to join them, but you are so consumed with anxiety; there is no way you can relax on the couch. Fortunately (or unfortunately), your BFF steps in, "Well, isn't that just so typical? Here you are in the bedroom WORKING, and they are all lounging on the couch while the kitchen is a mess!!"

You head to the kitchen to start the dishes, and your partner comes in to check on you and see how everything went. "How did it go? Did you get a lot done?"

You are embarrassed that you wasted all that time not doing your activity, so you get angry. 

"Good grief! This kitchen is a mess, and I just can't do everything around here!" Your partner looks at you, stunned and confused.

Notice the complexity of this scenario. The internal dialogue of our Mongers and BFFs can so easily cause havoc in our lives. Every time they are running, it amazes me how things can go so far amuck without me even being aware it is happening.

The key is to bring the Biggest Fan. And for the record, it is HARD to A. notice the Monger and BFF are running the show and B. to go through the steps to bring in the Biggest Fan (frequently when I realize my Monger and BFF were in charge and I need to practice ASK to bring in the Biggest Fan) and that is THE LAST thing I wanted to do.

I share this story, not for more fodder for your Monger :) But to say I see you, you are not alone, and there is hope.

It's Okay to Hate the Feelings

Last night, I watched David Chappelle's opening monologue on Saturday Night Live. I like him because he always makes me think. He talked about how even though most of the country is feeling joy and hope right now, many people are feeling disappointment, disenfranchisement, and sadness.

He said,

"I know how that feels; we all know how that feels. 

But the difference between me and you. 

You guys hate each other for those feelings, and I don't hate anybody. 

I just hate that feeling! 

That's what I fight through, and that's what I suggest you fight through.

 You got to find a way to live your life. 

You got to find a way to forgive each other. 

You got to find a way to find joy in your existence despite that feeling." 

Every cell in my body screamed YES! YES! YES!

Nothing is a simple formula; our collective anxiety won't be solved with a simple formula, neither will our anxiety. The only way through is acknowledging those feelings, hating the feeling, not the people.

The world is complicated, and I certainly don't know how to fix it. I know it requires people to respect each other, challenge each other, talk to each other, and allow those feelings. In conversations with friends and family, we want clear-cut answers. We want a simple formula that will lead the way. 

I am tired of COVID-19. I am irritated that the holidays have been turned on their heads. I am heartbroken that I won't spend Thanksgiving with my family in Chicago this year. I am frustrated with wearing a mask anytime I leave the house. But rather than acknowledging my many complicated feelings, I tend to jump between blaming others and self-blame. I blame people for not taking COVID seriously, and then I blame myself for being too scared. When I pause and remind myself to slow WAY down, I can say to myself, wow, I hate the feelings COVID brings up. I don't hate the people. In remembering this concept, I can allow those feelings, and then I can find a way through them. I can see a bigger picture. Blame (both self and others) keeps us stuck.

The same holds for the many problems facing the United States. We tend to blame THEM (whoever they are) for the problems. Democrats blame Republicans. Republicans blame Democrats. And even within the parties, there is blame and division. But the solutions will only be found when we acknowledge our feelings. Personally, things shifted when I started owning my shame, regret, and uncomfortableness about how I viewed my privilege. Going one level, deeper things shifted even more when I acknowledge my feelings of defensiveness, frustration, and sorrow at seeing my role in systemic racism. It is freaking hard and UNCOMFORTABLE! But allowing the feelings stopped me from spinning between blaming others and blaming myself. I could recognize I hated the feelings this issue brought up. I didn't hate the people. I hated the feelings. And after allowing those feelings I could then look for solutions, look for a way through.

This idea translates into our everyday lives. We blame our partners for not being empathetic enough when, in reality, we aren't giving ourselves empathy. We hate our partner rather than hating the feelings of distress or agitation that we might be feeling. Or we are angry at a friend for being too demanding when we haven't also acknowledged that we are really feeling frustrated that we haven't spoken up. Taking that one level deeper, we aren't acknowledging the shame we feel for feeling frustrated with our friends, so we hate them instead of hating the feelings.

The world is messy. I know the way out is acknowledging the feelings. 

 It is not ok to hate others. 

It is not ok to hate ourselves.

It IS ok to hate those feelings.

The Never-Ending Game of Mercy

I remember as a kid playing the hand wrestling game Mercy with my older brother. Inevitably I would cry "mercy! mercy!" as he twisted my hands, and he would taunt me in that special brotherly way, "New rules! We changed the name of the game, the new password it isn't mercy, start guessing!"

That is how I feel today. Like I am screaming "mercy," and the universe is saying, "Nope, we changed the rules; new password needed."

The collective anxiety is at a fever pitch. An increase in COVID cases and hospitalizations as we enter the holiday season, combined with an unknown election outcome here in the states, has left me and most people I know in a state of anxiety. Never mind that we were already screaming mercy back in August---the hits keep coming.

So often, I feel like I am the reality checker for my clients. Living with High Functioning Anxiety means we have impossible standards for ourselves. We tell ourselves we must be happy, be grateful; it's not that bad; why are we struggling so much? It's no big deal.

Here is a reality check. It is hard right now. It is anxiety-producing. Everything is 1000 times harder. You are not broken. You are not weak. You are not ungrateful or a loser. You are a human living through a very challenging time.

There are two parts to reducing anxiety:

1. Acknowledging what you are experiencing without judgment: allowing yourself to FEEL what is under the anxiety, not pushing it down or belittling yourself for it but allowing it.

2. Stress management techniques: deep breaths, stretching, practicing mindfulness or meditation, slowing down, going for a walk, getting into nature, etc.

We are generally good at practicing part 2, but that isn't enough if we haven't first practiced part 1. That's because practicing part 1 is hard and, in many ways, unnatural. Our bodies and minds tell us to keep going, soldier on, minimize minimize minimize. Occasionally, the message of keep going, it is not that bad, is helpful. But ignoring our experience and dismissing our feelings isn't a long-term strategy. And for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety, we treat it as a long-term strategy.

We have learned to avoid the parts of ourselves we disapprove of, walling ourselves off and becoming more and more robotic and anxiety-filled. It is exhausting.

Things shifted for me when I finally started listening to myself—really listening. I realized maybe the answer wasn't going to be found out there; maybe I needed to start getting to know myself: warts and all.

When my Monger would start talking, telling me I was weak and not coping well, I said to myself, "What if I am?"

I realized that my anxiety tells me if I pretend it isn't true, it must not be true. It is the same logic as a two-year-old who thinks you disappear when she closes her eyes. It sounds absolutely crazy as I type this, but I see it in my clients all the time.

When I ask, "What if you aren't coping well?" they look at me aghast. Then I follow it with, "that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. You are human. And from time to time, humans don't cope well." Then I list off all the stressors they have in their life. "homeschooling, COVID, elections, life, relationships, grief," They respond with relief because they have been operating out of the ignore, and it will go away strategy, which isn't working. Inevitably they say, "You are right! I didn't see it that way! That makes sense."

Today I give you permission to be you. To be tired, stressed, exhausted, hopeful, lazy, busy, overwhelmed.

You aren't doing it wrong. You are human. Humans are complex. Humans are imperfect. Humans are messy. So let's be human together.

The next time you hear your Monger criticizing you for not being strong enough, ask yourself, "What if I am weak?" and give yourself room to be human.

What a Baking Show Taught Me About High Functioning Anxiety

Recently I have been OBSESSED with the Great British Baking Show on Netflix. No politics, no mask debates, no yelling, just amateur bakers who are competing in what they love. It is wonderfully relaxing.

Each episode has a theme, and there are three challenges, two the bakers can prepare for and one technical challenge in which they have to use their skills and instincts. I love watching people do what they love; the passion and focus are inspiring.

It is a competition, so it is ripe for anxiety, panic, and self-doubt. The show has definitely reinforced what I know (and sometimes struggle to implement) regarding anxiety management.

It isn't all or nothing. So often, we tend to see the world as winning or losing in all or nothing terms. But in reality, life is full of a variety of colors. With the bakers, there is style, and there is taste. Something might look amazing and taste like garbage. Or vice-versa. A baker will present a disastrous presentation, but when they cut into it, it tastes magnificent! This brings me to my next lesson.

Even when things look bleak, you might be surprised by the outcome. Frequently the bakers will completely fail in one part of their bake. They will burn something, forget an ingredient, or drop something on the floor. The bakers who did the best allowed themselves a meltdown (crying, freaking out, getting angry) and then kept going. Because they allowed time for the negative energy to get out, they could let the failure go and remember their skills and instincts. They were able to problem solve easier, and sometimes they would even pull out a win! By contrast, the bakers who tried to 'soldier on' and didn't allow the energy to get out couldn't focus enough to move on; they kept returning to and therefore getting stuck in the failure. So too, the bakers who just gave up; they let their Monger win, and they just stopped baking.

Trust your instincts; you know more than you think you do. As I mentioned above, the bakers who were able to see the bigger picture, remember that they had a lot of experience, and tap into that experience to solve problems did the best. Again, the bakers who focused on what they didn't know or focused on their mistakes could not regroup and keep going.

Your worthiness is not dependent on the final product. The bakers who knew they couldn't control everything did the best. Sometimes the air temperature was too hot; they made mistakes or didn't know the technique. But when the bakers were able to remember that their final product wasn't a reflection of them as a person but only a reflection of their knowledge and skill, they could take the judges' feedback and use it in their next bake. The bakers who were there to learn AND compete did the best.

Overall the key to the bakers' success was self-loyalty. And by success, I mean less anxiety, more fun, and improving on their skill. The show reminded me of how vital self-loyalty is when we feel anxiety around failure.

There are three steps to self-loyalty:

1. telling yourself the truth (yes, I made a mistake),

2. allowing the feelings around that mistake (anger, sadness, disappointment),

3. giving yourself kindness (the mistake doesn't affect my worth).

As always, with these topics, it is way easier to understand than it is to practice. And, of course, when we practice, it will be imperfect. Just can't escape that damn imperfection no matter how hard we try. :)

We Don't Need Another Hack

A few weeks ago, a client reached out to me over Voxer to share how anxious she was about a virtual work event she was hosting. I responded to her and said, of course, she would feel anxious and offered some tricks for reducing that anxiety, including acknowledging your feelings, remembering the power of AND, seeing the big picture, etc. Later that day, she said, "Thanks for your tips. It went well, but I still felt anxious the whole time." 

Oh my, did I relate to this client. She was doing #allthethings. She was practicing self-care, being loyal to herself, and being kind, yet her anxiety was still there. Because she only had one measure of success--feeling good all the time. I responded to her by saying, "The truth is I would be more worried about you if you didn't feel anxious. You were hosting a big event. It is human to feel anxious. The goal is not to let the anxiety run the show. And when we don't acknowledge the anxiety, that's when it runs the show."

I keep thinking about that conversation and our world these days. I know for me and those I speak with, it is hard to find any moments of peace. So much is coming at us daily; so much change and uncertainty. We have all collectively lived on high alert for the past few months, and there doesn't seem to be any relief in sight. In fact, health experts are telling us it is going to get worse before it gets better. 

The truth is we are going to be anxious, overwhelmed, heartbroken, outraged, moody, uneasy, powerless, and depressed. You aren't doing anything wrong if you feel that way. Many of us have been trained that when we feel those 'negative' emotions, we need to hack ourselves out of it to get to a place of feeling better. And if we can't hack our way into happiness, then we convince ourselves, we aren't strong enough, confident enough, or mindful enough. Because if we were strong, confident, or mindful, we could hack our way out of feeling so sad, angry, afraid, or ashamed. ​ We have been brainwashed that successful people can overcome their negative emotions. 

The irony is in an alternate universe; if my client woke up feeling anxious but then meditated, took deep belly breaths, did an hour of yoga, and her anxiety disappeared, she would wonder what was wrong. She wouldn't trust it. If she headed into the meeting feeling excited and optimistic about the event, she would be freaked out. We SAY we want to be content, hopeful, and happy all the time, but we don't trust those feelings either. 

It reminds me of the Jerry Seinfeld bit where he describes our desire to go out and how excited we are to go out---and then when we are out----we can't wait to go home. We are chasing our tails. Pushing, hacking, struggling to be anywhere but where we are. This struggle doesn't mean we are broken. It means we are human. 

Our Monger and our BFF will keep us on an endless search for 'right.' They both have strong opinions about what 'right' is. But the truth is wherever you go, there you are. YOU are with you all the time. So what if we spent less time hacking ourselves. What if we spent less time thinking we were broken. What if we accepted that we will feel outraged, worthless, overjoyed, and hopeless. That there is nothing wrong with us if we are full of messy feelings. 

And more importantly, what if we are concentrating on the wrong thing. What if we realized that accepting ourselves and all our messy feelings and learning how to befriend ourselves will take a lifetime of work. It isn't about reading one blog and thinking, "Oh right, I need to be accepting all my emotions." And so we add 'accepting all emotions' as a hack. THAT becomes the new thing we will do to feel better. But I encourage you to take it one step further, and it isn't about the hacks. It is reminding ourselves over and over and over that building self-loyalty might be the goal, but it is a goal we will never reach. We will be actively working on building self-loyalty for the rest of our lives. And THAT process of working on building self-loyalty is where the beauty happens. It isn't about hacking ourselves or fixing ourselves; it is about accepting ourselves, and we will need to be reminded of that fact repeatedly, just like my client did. You aren't doing anything wrong. You are just being human. And your job on this planet is to be as curious and kind as possible. 

Empathy: It Is Not That Easy

As I sat down to write this note this morning, my first thought was, what can I say that doesn’t sound trite? Every email I have received this week has talked about the crazy times we are living through. Change is happening at lightning speed. There is so much anxiety in the air. It is overwhelming.

I think about these newsletters throughout the week, and various themes pop into my head. This week the word that kept popping into my head was empathy. Empathy is one of those words that gets tossed around, like self-compassion. The world needs more empathy! We have seen the brilliant Brené Brown video on empathy. We know that no empathetic statement starts with at least. And yet, how many times this week have you said the phrase at least to yourself or someone you know.

Empathy always fascinates me because being empathetic, TRULY empathetic, is freaking hard. My husband came to me yesterday with a sore toe, he had stubbed it the day before, and it was bruised and red and looked pretty painful. As he lay on the couch, icing his foot, I admit my first thought was, “give me a break; it is a stubbed toe. It isn’t the end of the world.” And my second thought was, “Oh crap, I hope this doesn’t mean he can’t walk the dog tonight!” ha! Ok, so not my finest moment. But I am sure you can relate. Someone presents us with pain, and we make it about ourselves.

Fortunately, before I said anything, I caught myself, and I thought, ok, really think about how annoying it would be to have a stubbed toe. No, it isn’t the end of the world. But it is frustrating to have your Saturday plans thrown out the window and to be hobbling around for most of the day. I said to my husband, “Wow, that sucks. How annoying when you weren’t planning on being down and out today.” He sighed deeply and said, “I know I am so annoyed and frustrated!”

Later I was thinking, what did that cost me? What did it cost me to pause, get out of my head, and really put myself in his shoes? It cost me a few minutes of regrouping and seeing the situation differently. In essence, it cost me nothing.

I have observed for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety. We tend to oscillate between being overly empathetic to the detriment of our own needs or becoming under-empathetic as I was yesterday with my husband. 

Many times, when we are not empathetic, it is because empathy requires us to slow down. When we are in go, go, go mode, checking off the to-do list getting stuff done, we don’t have the desire nor the time to slow down and get into someone else’s shoes. So we either breeze right over their issues with a quick nod of the head or offer some trite advice, usually starting with the phrase “at-least,” and give a solution that may or may not work.

To be clear, that doesn’t make us terrible, unfeeling people. It makes us human. Because in many ways, empathy, true empathy is a radical act. It is an act of mindfulness. It requires us to slow down, take a breath, get into our body, and then see the world from someone else’s perspective. Empathy requires vulnerability, curiosity, and kindness. 

AND empathy starts with ourselves. If we can’t be kind to ourselves, we certainly can’t be kind to others. When I am struggling to be empathetic to those I love, it is usually a sign that I am not empathetic to myself.

So what does empathy look like?

Teresa Wiseman has done some research on the subject of empathy, and here are Theresa Wiseman’s four attributes of empathy:

• Perspective Taking: To be able to see the world as others see it. Being able to put your stuff (e.g., opinions, life experience, advice) aside to see the situation through the other’s eyes.

• To be nonjudgmental: When we judge another person’s situation, we discount their experience.

• To understand another person’s feelings: recognize that we are all unique, and we all have different feelings around a similar situation. Someone might have different feelings than you--and that is ok.

• To communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings: As Brené Brown says: A statement of empathy never starts with the phrase, “At least you...” or “It could be worse...” instead try... “It sounds like you are in a hard place now. Tell me more about it.”

Empathy is a practiced skill--it isn’t something we know automatically. So I want to add a loving reminder, it is ok to ask for a do-over. When we mess up and don’t do it right--we can always ask to try again. We don’t have to offer it perfectly every time.

Be kind to yourself, my friend, and be kind to others. The world is unsettling. Continuing to practice skills like compassion, empathy, curiosity, and kindness is the only way we will get through it.

Gentle, Gentle, Gentle

Earlier this week, I was frustrated looking to pick a fight. Emotions are high these days; I have been hearing from clients, friends, and loved ones how their feelings are right at the surface. It feels like we are all ready to boil over with frustration, anger, sadness, and for some, an overwhelming feeling of meh. Feelings are coming up that are uncomfortable and logically unexplainable. If something we humans hate (especially those of us with High Functioning Anxiety) is uncomfortable and illogical emotions.

I have been thinking of these messy feelings as a stream we have to cross. Sometimes we can cross the stream of anger or sadness relatively easily. We can figure out what makes us angry or sad and then find a way to cross the stream with relative ease. We can have a conversation, ask for a need, have a good cry, and get to the other side of the stream. And sometimes (I would argue many times), it isn't that easy; we have to stand in the middle of the stream and let the feelings wash over us before we can find our way across.

To be clear, I am very much a work in progress in navigating feelings in a healthy way. My defaults of denial, repression and over-analyzation are strong —just ask my husband. But the following is what I know to be true and what I am working on practicing in my life.

Our first response to feelings is usually wrong. We say to ourselves, "I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY! There must be something wrong with me. I need to get out of this feeling as quickly as possible." So we engage in the following behaviors that usually aren't helpful.

Venting: We reach out to a friend and just rant about all the ways we are annoyed, tired, exhausted.  

Consequence: We don't feel anything; doing this keeps us trapped in our heads. We hang up the phone and temporarily feel better, but it returns later because we haven't acknowledged the feeling.

Shaming: We tell ourselves, "I should be happy? I have so much to be grateful for." Or "this isn't a big deal. Who am I to be sad? People have it WAY worse than me."

Consequence: Basically, we are shaming ourselves for not feeling anything except gratitude 100% of the time. Gratitude is helpful for perspective, and so we can appreciate the little things in our life—it is not a way to bypass our feelings.

Ignoring: The belief is if we ignore it, it will go away.

Consequence: Ignoring it takes a lot of work and usually involves some form of numbing (alcohol, food, scrolling the news, keeping busy and concentrating on our to-do list, etc.) AND it always comes to bite us in the ass. The feeling comes back with a vengeance, so we pick a fight with our spouse, we yell at our kids, we cry uncontrollably, or we get all righteous with our friends.

Analyzing: WHY am I feeling this way? What is wrong? We analyze the feeling to get to the root of it in the hopes it will go away.

Consequence: Sometimes, this is helpful. But not all the time. Analyzing can be another form of ranting. It allows us to hang out in our heads and beat ourselves up for having the feeling in the first place. Often, after we acknowledge and allow the feeling, we can then analyze it and get to the root of the issue.

Doomsdaying: We tell ourselves if we acknowledge the feeling, then we will be screaming and yelling at our family or crying our eyes out all day, and who has time for that? 

Consequence: This is a justification for ignoring. So the same consequence for ignoring applies here.

We do all these mental gymnastics to get out of the feeling. I did all of those things this week, trying to get out of the feeling.

And then I was walking our dog Watterson (I have my best ah-ha's walking Watterson). I kept repeating the phrase gentle, gentle, gentle to myself. I would ask myself what I was feeling, and up would come a feeling: sad, heartbroken, DONE, frustrated, and then my Monger would start in "You should be grateful you have a blessed life." and I would repeat to myself gentle, gentle, gentle and go back into naming my feelings. Rinse and repeat for a few minutes.

Then I heard myself say, "I feel helpless and heartbroken." I felt my body let out a big exhale. My whole body relaxed as if I had seen myself for the first time. For one millisecond, I let down all the defenses of justification and rationalization, and my Biggest Fan chimed in and said, "YES. YES. Oh, Sweetpea, allow that." And then, of course, my Monger chimed in with, "Give me a break, heartbroken, you have nothing to be heartbroken about —why are you so heartbroken?" and here is where we go wrong. We start to justify the feeling. We want to explain it. But I kept bringing myself back to "gentle, gentle, gentle."

To be clear, I wasn't cured by that dog walk moment. I still have been feeling agitated and touchy—but now, when I catch myself feeling heartbroken, I think to myself, "gentle, gentle, gentle." And I allow that feeling of helplessness and heartbreak to seep in. I might get some tears in my eyes, I might feel angry and agitated, and I allow it to happen. And then, 90 seconds or so later, my body gives me a full exhale, and everything loosens up for a bit.

When I remind myself to be gentle, I also remind myself that I am not a robot. I am a human being, and it is ok that this is hard right now.

Years ago, I went in for routine surgery, and I was scared and nervous. Everyone kept telling me this is routine; they have done this surgery thousands of times, don't be afraid. But it wasn't routine for me. It was my first major surgery. Yes, maybe the doctor had done it a thousand times, but it was my body that was going to be cut open and required to heal itself over the next few weeks. It was new to me, so of course, I was scared.

Everything we are experiencing is new to us. This year 2020 has been new to us, unprecedented as they say. And from all accounts, there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel. We are still very much standing in the middle of the stream, awash in uncertainty.

I believe this is why so many people in my world are struggling with these big uncomfortable feelings. Our old coping mechanisms of denial, repression, control and over-analyzation aren't cutting it. We HAVE to find a different way. We HAVE to figure out how to be gentle, gentle, gentle with ourselves.

This is new. This is uncomfortable. But not impossible. We got this.

Sucking It Up Isn't Serving Us

2020 has thrust us out of our comfort zones and into a world of uncertainty, fear, and doubt. And yet, people with High Functioning Anxiety continue to pressure themselves to do better, be better, and improve.

When life gets out of control, we double down on hustling. We amp up our need to be in control by controlling our behavior and maybe even those around us. We don't give ourselves a pass; we only engage in self-care in the hopes it will help our productivity; we don't do all the things we need to feel better; we double down on all the unhealthy coping skills.

We do this because our coping mechanisms have served us for years. Feel stressed? Make improvements. Feel out of control? Seek control wherever you can find it. Feel incompetent? Double down on accomplishment.

Coping skills work. They make us feel better for the short term. They are necessary for our survival. AND they don't work in the long term. Clearly, 2020 is here for the long term.

I have read countless articles on coping with anxiety during these times, as I am sure you have. We KNOW the answers:

• Move your body.

• Be kind to yourself.

• Limit the news.

• Do breathing exercises.

• Give yourself some grace.

I even shared some of these tips a few weeks ago.

But the issue I am seeing with High Functioning Anxiety individuals is we are Sucking it up, Buttercup. Instead, we are "fine"; we are "hanging in there"; we are "struggling and oh so grateful"; we are, as I said to a friend this week, "counting our blessings, blah blah blah."

We aren't going there. 

We are skimming the surface of what is happening. 

We are not allowing ourselves to FEEL ANYTHING.

Because someone has it worse, my problems aren't as bad; I shouldn't feel this way, blah, blah, blah.

We aren't going there because it is too hard to go there and still do all the things we need to do in our day-to-day world. OR at least that what we tell ourselves because that is one of our coping mechanisms.

We have convinced ourselves that going there, being honest with ourselves, owning the fact:

• that we are struggling with homeschooling

• DONE being home with our spouse all the time

• exhausted by wearing a mask everywhere we go,

• discouraged and overwhelmed by the news.

• And honestly don't know how much more we can take.

Will take us down and leave us incapacitated.

Even in those rare moments when we allow ourselves to express our pain, we cover all that up with:

• "We are so blessed."

• "I don't have anything to complain about; I mean, people are suffering."

It's ok to be sad, out of control, overwhelmed, and tired. Working with High Functioning Anxiety, I know we have a survival skill of sucking things ups out, which has served us.

But here's the caveat; it serves us in the short run. Denial, numbing, not going there is not a long-term survival strategy, and we need a LONG term survival strategy.

This week befriend yourself. Allow yourself a time and place to let it out, cry, scream, throw things. Vent to a friend, write out all the injustices you are experiencing, and don't tie it up with a pretty little bow. Experience your life; all of it the mess, the laughter, the fear, and the pain.

I encourage you to notice when your HFA coping skill of sucking it up is kicking in and ask yourself---Hey Sweetpea, can I add some wiggle room here? Can I give myself some kindness?

When your Monger steps in to tell you to suck it up and keep plowing forward (which she will definitely do), lovingly remind yourself with all the things happening in the world, getting by is ok. Anger, sadness, doubt, and pettiness it is all part of the deal. You are not selfish or ungrateful. You are a kind-hearted human being who is experiencing very human emotions. Allow those. They will pass. ​

You can be doing your best and still have a to-do list a mile long is ok. You got this, Sweetpea. You are a loyal, kind, generous person who is doing the best you can with what you have.

The Quest for the Secret Formula

I frequently talk with clients about our desire to "hack ourselves into happiness." We look for a secret formula. A formula that maybe we haven't thought of or seen a prescription that we can easily follow to hack ourselves into happiness.

Now, I know that a secret formula doesn't exist, and yet, with all my being, I want it to be a reality. I want an easy answer, a magic wand, a formula for happiness, and I see it in my clients.

My bookshelf is a testament to my search for the secret formula. Whenever I got scared, doubtful, or stressed, I would hightail it to my local bookstore, find an expert online, or attend a personal growth seminar to buy their secret formula. Eventually, I realized they don't know the answer. They have tips and tricks that will help IF I implement them, but I still need to do the work. I still needed to practice daily.

Just like a workout app won't magically put you into good shape, a personal growth book/seminar won't either. Real personal growth requires daily intention and guidance from those who teach us that we have to love ourselves and trust ourselves rather than look for an easy answer.

The challenge is the quest gives me hope that I could quickly get out of my pain and suffering. But it also gave me a lot of unnecessary drama, angst, and disappointment (not to mention the loss of money).

The magic formula's quest kept me stuck in a cycle of shame and insecurity that looks like this.

• A feeling of doubt and insecurity

• Searching for someone somewhere to KNOW an easy way (the secret formula)

• Finding someone who says they know and feeling hopeful

• Attempt to do what they say but not feeling any easy, immediate relief

• Shame and belittling myself so that I still don't feel any better, and now I am out more money.

• A feeling that something's wrong with me.

• Doubt and insecurity that once again, I did it WRONG

REPEAT.

After repeating this over and over ad nauseam and never getting an answer, the realization finally came: there is no secret formula. The answer lies within, and I need to start by trusting my inner wisdom and myself.

Again, we all KNOW logically there is no magic formula but giving up this quest is painful. Because within the quest is the belief that it is easy, we just need to hack a few things, and bammo, we will be healed!

Honestly, my life didn't start to shift until I allowed myself to mourn the loss of this quest until I acknowledge my hope that the formula would exist and that this quest was causing me more pain in reality.

Now let me be clear, I would love for the secret formula to exist. When I am filled with doubt and insecurity, the temptation is great to look externally for the answer, a new program, and a new book.

But now I lovingly remind myself:

"There is no magic formula outside of you. It is here, in my, get quiet, get uncomfortable, and see what happens."

AND I allow myself a period of mourning for the magic formula because there was an incredible high in the hope that someone else could tell me what to do. I give myself permission to feel that hope and then the loss of that hope and realize that I CAN figure this out; it is just going to take some practice. It is both a mix of sad and empowering.

Does this mean I never ask for help? HELL NO, I ask for help all the time. But I am much pickier about whom my mentors are and what I am asking from them. I make sure I get help from people who aren't selling magic formulas but instead are selling me to get back in touch with myself (hello, self loyalty!). I look for people who will help me with my practice of self-awareness, curiosity, and kindness.

You have the answers. We all need a little help in remembering that and implementing that concept.

What My Algebra Teacher Taught Me About the Biggest Fan

A theme that keeps popping up is the idea that we need the Monger to motivate us. We need that mean, nasty voice reminding us how we could be a better person or how we could be more efficient if only we accomplished more. When we hear the word kindness, we think--oh no, I can't be kind to myself or won't get anything done! This belief is a damaging myth.

Clients will say to me, but my Monger has gotten me this far; if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be as successful as I am. I would be on my couch eating junk food binge-watching TV. Ok, so let's say this is true! All hail the Monger! But let's look at the Monger and her tactics. She is mean; she is nasty; she makes us feel like crap. She doesn't encourage us to try new things; she demands that we try new things or meet her wrath. And then when her wrath is too much, we need a break! So we bring in the BFF the character of self-indulgence (Self-compassion gone too far), and our BFF is like a pressure release valve. She encourages us to take it easy, procrastinate, and indulge. And then our Monger attacks us for being lazy and procrastinating, and round and round we go.

This makes me think of my high school Algebra teacher; she was tough; she was scary, had high expectations for us, and demanded our best. Yes, she would get angry when we didn't meet her expectations and yell from time to time. AND she was never degrading or belittling or shaming. She just had high expectations and let us know when we didn't hit them.

I can vividly remember (and still have dreams from time to time) attending her after-school help. We would all stand at the chalkboard, and she would yell out equations that we had to solve. I can still feel the chalk in my hand and the sound of all of us writing on the chalkboard. I can still feel the fear and insecurity. What was I so afraid of? Being wrong? Looking stupid? Being singled out? Yes, yes, and yes. We all had mixed emotions about those after-school help sessions. One, they HELPED a lot! I learned more in those sessions than in class itself. Two, they were challenging. Feeling on display and putting myself out there was challenging. And yet I also remember the laughter, the camaraderie of all being in this together. It was challenging, but it wasn't painful.

So what does this have to do with Mongers and Biggest Fans? Well, now, looking back, I can see my algebra teacher was a Biggest Fan. She was scary because she had high expectations, but she wasn't mean. She wasn't belittling or shaming; she didn't go for the jugular. She was offering help on her time. She wasn't getting paid; she purely wanted to see us succeed and was willing to work over to help us. Through my teenage eyes, she was scary because she wasn't afraid to tell us when we had it wrong or that we should have known better. But now, as an adult, I can see she was helpful. I remember feeling empowered and proud after one of those sessions. My BFF didn't come out after one of those sessions to tell me to take it easy or indulge because I felt good. I didn't need to relieve the pressure of the Monger because the Monger hadn't been chiming in. She couldn't get a word in over my Biggest Fan.

I created the Biggest Fan character because we need to hold ourselves to a higher standard and challenge ourselves to stretch and grow. AND we don't need to do that with shame and belittling. Our Biggest Fan is my algebra teacher. She has your back, she will stay late to help you grow, and she is always challenging you to learn more. She is kind and wise and pushes us to grow. Sometimes growth is scary, but it doesn't have to be done because we were shamed into doing it. Growth can be because we have another goal; we want to stretch ourselves.

The challenge is we turn our backs on ourselves. We treat ourselves as evil, lazy people who need to be whipped into shape, rather than seeing that we are well-intentioned people who have anxiety about the unknown (perfectly understandable).

So no, you do not need the Monger to be a success. You need a Biggest Fan. That voice saying, let's stretch, let's see what's out there, let's get uncomfortable, and let's be kind to ourselves as we do it.

Why Real Change Is Hard

A challenge in writing weekly helpful content for an audience of High Functioning Anxiety folks is it is hard to get past what I call the "shield of the Monger and the BFF." Here is how the shield works: You read a self-help article. Let's say it is about setting boundaries, and your Monger says, "See, you need to be better about setting boundaries. You are constantly letting people walk all over you." And then, when her message is too shaming and belittling, your BFF steps in to say, "We are fine. It is hard to set boundaries, and you set one earlier this week with a co-worker--you don't need to change anything." And we breathe a sigh of relief and move on.

The Monger-BFF shield keeps us from making real changes. It is a defense mechanism that I see in myself and my clients. For many of us with HFA, we grew up in families that praised performance. Get an A---be the best---win the race---keep pushing---you can always do more. The reality of being human, making mistakes, being tired, feeling lazy wasn't discussed. It didn't mean it wasn't there; it just wasn't addressed. We learned that those natural traits of being human, making mistakes, being tired, and lazy weren't ok and definitely weren't something to share. So appearance became everything. Making sure you looked ok on the outside was most important. When you hear appearance, we often think of the stars of reality TV who have perfect makeup, perfect skin, and are perfectly skinny, but their lives are a mess. But I am talking about the appearance of being a success in whatever it is you value. Usually, whatever we learned as a child is valuable is what we relentlessly pursue as adults, e.g., being a success at work, being active in your community, being seen as smart, funny, productive, or in control of your emotions.

We learned early on that external praise decreased anxiety, so of course, to maximize praise, we become focused on our outward appearance. We became so good at maximizing our outward appearance; we rarely let anyone know how we feel, even ourselves. We have mastered the art of appearing confidant, together, and on top of it so well that we have a hard time letting our guard down, even to ourselves. The only way to truly reduce the anxiety is to let go of this appearance-driven life, turn inward, and get honest about what we see. One of the roadblocks to that turning inward is The Monger-BFF shield I describe above.

Our Monger and BFF hate change. They hate the unknown, they might use different messaging, but the goal is the same: to stop you from accessing your Biggest Fan and doing any real work. It is ironic, one of the traits of people with HFA is the desire to improve and the love of self-help. We read a lot of books; we listen to a lot of personal growth podcasts, and that is as far as it goes. We take in this information, we even teach it to others (raising my hand sheepishly), but in our own lives, our BFF and Monger work together to create a powerful defensive shield that prevents anything from changing. So they keep us skating around the surface, reading a lot of books, listening to lots of podcasts, and implementing nothing.

This pattern happened in my own life for years; I would teach all the things about being kind to myself, taking regular breaks, and getting into my body. I taught them, but I didn't practice them. And if someone I loved called me out on this inconsistency (which was rare), my Monger and BFF (especially my BFF) would jump in to tell me how wrong they were, and I was FINE. I didn't need to do those things; I WAS FINE. But I wasn't.

I see it in my clients: a great example of this is when I first received my Daring Way Training, and I started getting clients who LOVED Brené Brown and wanted to work with me because I had been trained in her methodology. But what I quickly found is clients wanted to talk about Brené Brown's philosophy; they wanted to share it and discuss it and compare stories but implementing it—doing the work —moving past the BFF-Monger shield? WEEEELLLLL, not so much.

Recognizing this tendency and noticing how the pattern works is essential and hard. Because we have been taught to value appearance so much, our BFFs and Mongers protect us from any criticism/doubt/change.

So what can you do? Start paying attention to this phenomenon in your life. Do you notice times when you are performing even when there is no one to perform for?

Here's a simple example: I make a mistake. I pulled the car into the garage and didn't look and hit my husband's bicycle. It was an accident, but it was a mistake.

Option 1: Immediately I think, ok, just own you made a mistake; it is ok; mistakes happen. And then the Monger-BFF shield comes down, and they go back and forth. "You are such an idiot. Why weren't you looking?" says the Monger and then the BFF. "Well, if your husband hadn't parked his bike right there, it is so close to your spot. He is so messy and just puts his junk everywhere!' As I walk into the house, I feel better. My BFF has justified my ways. I still feel anxious when I think about hitting the bike, but my Monger and BFF keep me on the same worn path of self-protection. I replay the car hitting the bike story and share it with friends, careful to shift the blame to my messy unable to throw anything away, husband.

Option 2: I get out of the car and see the damage, and my Monger starts talking: "You are such an idiot. Why weren't you looking?" says the Monger, and I stop her take a deep breath, and say. "Yep, look at that, I made a mistake, I wasn't looking, and I hit the bike. UGH! That is so annoying; I hate making mistakes and messing up. It is so hard." Every time my Monger steps in to say, you are an idiot for hitting the bike. I say to myself, "Yep, I made a mistake. It doesn't make me an idiot; it just makes me human." The next time I pull into the garage, I make sure to slow down, look around, and take my time.

In option 2, I bypassed the Monger-BFF shield and got to my Biggest Fan, who is grounded. She is kind and generous and quick to say, yep, mistakes happen, no matter how well-intentioned you are, stuff happens. The Monger-BFF shield keeps us trapped in defensiveness, anxiety, and doubt. No matter how much we read, listen, or watch until we recognize our childhood programming of keeping up appearances and start giving ourselves genuine kindness for being human, we will stay trapped.

Overfunctioning at Work: High Functioning Anxiety and the Workplace

As high achievers, our work seems to be all gas and no brakes. Go, go, go, all the time with little to no time to breathe. If you feel like you’re stuck in a constant state of “yes” at work and feeling like you’re drowning and can’t stop, you’re also probably feeling the weight of anxiety at work or about work during your off-hours. 

Hustle culture seems to be more prevalent than ever, and it’s hard to avoid. We often believe the misconception that hustling is the only option for success and that we’re not allowed to stop—or risk being a failure. If you find yourself overworking or obsessing about work well after you’ve clocked out, you may be using hustle culture as an excuse for feelings of anxiousness without actually addressing the real problem—you may have high functioning anxiety. 

People who can still function with a high level of anxiety use the busyness to avoid feelings of sadness, anger, racing thoughts, unlike the shut-down style reactions of someone with traditional anxiety. 

Many of my coaching clients find that the workplace is a huge source of anxiety that destroys their happiness.  

It’s important to understand the signs of high functioning anxiety in the workplace and how we can address overfunctioning, especially if you find yourself lying awake at night with anxiety about your work.

Overfunctioning as a Sign of High Functioning Anxiety at Work

People with high functioning anxiety may feel like they are stuck in a vicious cycle of self-doubt and uncertainty. They are constantly trying to cope by keeping their minds preoccupied and busy. 

In reality, we may find that these coping skills we have developed leave us feeling exhausted and depleted by overworking. Some of us are so good at coping that we may not even recognize the signs of HFA in the workplace or make HFA worse by how we address it. 

You Go Above and Beyond—And Often Too Far

People suffering from high functioning anxiety often feel like they’re not doing enough or that there is more they could be doing. This may result in you doing more than what is expected of you, taking on more projects than you can handle, never saying no, staying late, and coming in early. This constant pressure can show up as overworking or, to use a clinical term, overfunctioning.  

If you find that you’re the first person to get in the office and the last to leave, you feel guilty for taking vacation time and often take on more than you can chew; you may be facing HFA in the workplace. Meanwhile, all your coworkers think you’re amazing and have everything together because you never let yourself drop the ball. No matter the cost to you, your family, or your health.

As overachievers, people hold misconceptions about you that you have it all together and don’t need help. But on the inside, you may be losing sleep at night or constantly worrying about disappointing your boss if you tell them you can’t take on another project. You may have constant stress and anxiety around the fear that you’re not living up to other’s expectations, and sometimes that can cause you to procrastinate if it gets too overwhelming. 

You Feel Proud to Be Busy

Another way those with high functioning anxiety disorder tend to cope is by telling themselves that it’s great to be busy. Busy is a marker of success in the minds of those with HFA. In some ways, the long sleepless nights and workaholic personality make you proud, even though it could be taking a toll on your mental health. Some of us even see high functioning anxiety as an advantage, much to our own detriment. 

Bragging about how busy you are is a common theme in your conversations with others. You take pride in the expression, “If you want something done, give it to a busy person.” 

If you feel like you can never say no, you may try to create healthy boundaries to reduce your anxiety and set limits. However, this may result in even more anxiety because you feel like you’ve let others around you down. And so, the vicious cycle continues.

Relaxing Makes You Anxious 

Sometimes when we try to cope with HFA by relaxing, it can lead to more anxiety. You might worry about how taking a break could negatively impact your work life or how saying no to a coworker makes you seem less dependable. Because everyone thinks that you have it all together and you’ve set up others to rely on you consistently, you feel guilty when you take breaks or say no. It might even take a trip to the hospital to finally get you to slow down.

If you find that taking a day off or using your hard-earned vacation time to relax is difficult for you, you may be living with high functioning anxiety at work. Even I find myself tempted to respond to work emails while I’m enjoying vacation time. The idea of hustle culture has created the idea that we aren’t allowed to stop, and if we stop, something is bound to go wrong. 

How to Help High Functioning Anxiety in the Workplace

One of the biggest questions I get from clients is usually what the cure for HFA is. In reality, there is no cure but rather the ability to make it more manageable to start living happier and working happier. 

Over years of helping clients deal with HFA in their personal lives and the workplace, I’ve identified several tactics that work well for dealing with HFA.

Acknowledge When Workplace Anxiety Happens

One of the best things you can do is acknowledge and accept when something is happening that makes you anxious. Part of dealing with HFA is acknowledging how you’re feeling, what is making you feel that way, and telling yourself that it’s okay. 

Rather than trying to distract yourself with more work, stop and breathe. If you find yourself overthinking a conversation you had with your boss or feeling guilty for turning down an invitation from a coworker, just stop and acknowledge how you feel. 

I always encourage my clients to use the ASK method: 

• Acknowledge what you are feeling

• Slow down and get into your body

• Kindly pull back to see the big picture

It seems simple, but if we try to stop overcomplicating our solutions for HFA, we may find that we have better control over it. 

Have Self Check-ins

When you find yourself in an anxious state, it’s helpful to check in with yourself from time to time. Even if it feels awkward, ask yourself, “how are you REALLY doing?” The more in tune you are with yourself and the more willing you are to listen to yourself, the more likely you are to have better control over your HFA. 

Additionally, you don’t have to justify how you are feeling. Sometimes we try to convince ourselves of why we are feeling a certain way. Just remind yourself that it’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling without justifying your feelings. I always encourage clients to look inside themselves for the answer rather than turning to outward solutions. 

Stop Negative Coping Behaviors

If you haven’t figured it out already, sometimes what we use to “cope” actually causes even more anxiety to rise in our bodies. If you have a problem with taking on too much at a time, you may try to cope by telling your peers or boss that you have enough on your plate and decline a project opportunity. However, you may then feel stressed about letting someone down, so you’re right back to taking on more responsibilities. 

The truth is, coping is often a distraction tool we use not to face our anxiety head on. It may seem to work in the short term, but in reality, we’re not actually dealing with the problem. That is why it is important to ask yourself if you’re really dealing with your HFA.

Get Help From a Coach

As a high-functioning anxiety coach, I always encourage my clients to seek professional help if they can. If you’re looking for more help with your HFA, I offer coaching programs! Sometimes doing it alone can be challenging.

Working with an anxiety coach can help you walk through situations that bring on anxiety, have someone to talk through feelings about guilt, and put your anxiety into perspective.  

When you’re feeling anxiety or feel like you’re running into a situation that may give you a heightened sense of guilt, having an anxiety coach who can help you work through the situation can be a very productive way to deal with the pressure of HFA. 

If you’re tired of toughing it out and are ready to take steps to deal with HFA in the workplace, learn more about my coaching programs that might be the right fit for you.

High Functioning Anxiety and Perfectionism

On the surface, perfectionism doesn’t necessarily sound like a bad trait. In fact, many perfectionists are hard workers, determined, and strive always to improve. Perfectionism does have its downfalls, and for people struggling with high functioning anxiety (HFA), it can seem like a whole new monster.  

Perfectionism and anxiety don’t mix well and can go hand in hand. The combination can be destructive and feel difficult to overcome. It’s important to recognize what high functioning anxiety and perfectionism can do to your mental health and take steps to help overcome the debilitating nature of being an anxious overachiever. 

How Perfectionism Leads to Anxiety

You might tell yourself that you’re just a go-getter and your perfectionism motivates you to do your absolute best. Maybe you even see perfectionism as your secret weapon for why you’re successful.

Those who live with HFA tend to be overachievers, leaders, type-A personalities, and, more often than not, perfectionists. Many of us with high functioning anxiety use coping mechanisms as a means to avoid what we’re actually feeling. These coping mechanisms lead to perfectionism. 

People living with HFA have busy work lives and personal lives, so they don’t have to deal with their underlying thoughts of worry, stress, anger, sadness, and self-doubt. That’s what makes them high functioning, rather than low functioning like more traditional anxiety, where coping often means shutting down and avoidance tactics. 

If you live with high functioning anxiety, you are probably familiar with the feeling of constantly hustling and other common high functioning anxiety symptoms. You may take on too many projects at work or have a fear of telling people no. Above all, you want to make sure that you don’t let others down and, as a result, often put your own needs on the backburner. 

This leads to excessive amounts of stress and worry related to meeting the high standards you set for yourself, which are often well above what people actually expect of you. You may use perfectionism as a way to leave little room for error, and perfectionism actually prevents you from being happy. 

This yearning for flawlessness might be your way of making sure that only good results can be achieved from your work. You’ve thought of every little detail, and maybe you’ve even prepared backup plans in case something does go wrong. But even still, you find yourself often obsessing about these tiny details late at night and feel deep anxiety when things don’t go as planned. 

People with anxiety use perfectionism as a defense mechanism. Others may feel you have high standards when in reality, you struggle with not feeling good enough or adequate enough. Perfectionism quickly becomes a means of self-protection—but actually has more negative consequences than positive ones.  

For people with anxiety disorders, perfectionism can cause you to put unrealistic expectations on yourself and cause an increase in feelings of self-doubt and dissatisfaction. Perfectionism can cause you to feel anxious and start spiraling into negative, harmful thoughts that exacerbate your anxiety.

There are only two options: become perfect or learn how to overcome perfectionism. (And if you’re truly honest with yourself, no one can really be perfect, no matter how hard you try.)

How to Overcome Perfectionism 

Because perfectionistic tendencies tend to fuel our anxiety, we need to tackle them both and get to the root cause. 

For those of us with HFA, using common techniques such as avoiding certain situations and people or saying no may not make you feel like you’re really dealing with your anxiety. The truth is, avoidance techniques that can work for other kinds of anxiety don’t usually work for those of us with high functioning anxiety. I’ve found a few ways as an anxiety coach that actually help you cope and overcome your HFA and perfectionism. 

Recognize The Negative Monger 

When our friends or family are struggling, one of the first things we may do is check in with them, ask them how they’re feeling, and acknowledge what they’re going through. We listen, and we offer kindness. So why don’t we do that for ourselves during periods of anxiousness? 

Check in with yourself throughout the day and ask yourself, “how are you really doing?” And wait to hear the answer.

When we start to acknowledge how we are feeling and treat ourselves with kindness (even if the feeling is negative), it allows us to take better control of it. Part of perfectionism is fueled by negative thoughts and things we tell ourselves, which I call a Monger. When you can help recognize and quiet the negative monger chatting away in your head, you start to set realistic goals and expectations when something has to get done. 

Allow Room for Imperfections

Part of the struggle with perfectionism is that we are constantly facing self-doubt and an overwhelming sense that we aren’t good enough. We often wonder how people will perceive us in certain situations. 

When we feel thoughts about how others will see us, it’s helpful to actually strive to be perfectly imperfect. The more we welcome the idea that we can be great and have flaws, the less pressure we put on ourselves. 

Think about how you would react to a friend’s negative self-talk. You would probably encourage them and remind them that it’s okay to not be absolutely perfect at everything. Having those same dialogues with yourself can help remind you that imperfectness is okay. 

Recognize What Type of Perfectionist You Are

Those of us who are perfectionists express it in various ways. Do you overanalyze every situation? Do you take over group projects because you fear that someone will mess up? Are you a workaholic? Do you procrastinate? Do you over plan? 

The truth is, perfectionism is expressed in many different ways and tends to be individualistic. When you recognize the perfectionist traits that you have, you can address the problem head-on. 

Identifying how your perfectionism manifests itself in your actions can help you develop a plan for dealing with your anxiety related to perfectionism, take steps to prevent yourself from spiraling out, and make your perfectionism easier to manage.  

Talk To a High Functioning Anxiety Coach

Time and time again, my anxiety coaching clients tell me they see perfectionism as a secret weapon or badge of honor that makes them who they are. Without being a perfectionist, they wouldn’t be themselves.

We can’t admit to others that we’re struggling with the anxiety that perfectionism causes because perfectionism won’t let us admit we have a problem.

If that statement resonates with you, but at the same time, you feel the crushing weight of always having to be perfect, you may benefit from talking with someone who can help. 

I offer coaching programs designed specifically for this problem! Living with HFA can feel overwhelming, and doing it alone can be challenging. 

I’ve designed my coaching program to make it easier to talk through your feelings and guide you through coping and how to treat your high functioning anxiety. If you’re ready to start making a change in your life, I’m here to help.

Tired of Feeling Broken? Start With Befriending Yourself

For people with High Functioning Anxiety, we have built much of our lives on these two factors:

1. Our Monger has convinced us we know nothing; we are flawed and wrong and continuously need correction.

2. Because we are so flawed, we have must look outside for the answers. It has become habitual to discount our internal experience and look to others for "the right way."

The challenge is, the only way to reduce our anxiety is to slowly, and I mean slowly, change our focus from the outside world to our inner world.

People with High Functioning Anxiety are often drawn to self-help and personal development because we want to fix ourselves. Unfortunately, by its very nature, self-help keeps us stuck in this loop. Experts and gurus tell us HOW to do self-care, meditate, speak our needs, and follow their advice to the letter. We never internalize the lesson. We never question it, get curious about it, or make it our own.

You might read online that calm people get up early in the morning, take a long walk, meditate, and journal. You decide you want to be calm, amazingly you have this formula, and you set your alarm for 5:00 like a good little self-development soldier. And then 5:00 rolls around, and you wake up filled with anxiety; what are you going to listen to on your walk? Can you listen to something, or is that breaking the rules? Should you listen to a meditation or be quiet? How long should you meditate? AHHH, so many questions and doubts and insecurities!?! Occasionally you might find the perfect formula that tells you exactly how to do it. But over time, you get annoyed by the formula, or it doesn't fit you, so in your all or nothing thinking, you stop the whole thing.

To bust this pattern, I want to offer a few suggestions:

1. What if you aren't inherently flawed after all? What if the message your Monger has drilled into you is wrong? What if you are naturally kind, loving, and loyal? What if we need to start challenging the Monger message that you are broken, and only shame can fix you? What if we need to listen to our Biggest Fan--you are a fascinating, complex genuinely-want-to-do-it-right-but-occasionally-gets-it-wrong human being.

2. What if all those outside experts are giving you general suggestions that might work? What if your job is to discern for you whether they work or not? The expert on what works best for you is you.

Even as I type that last phrase, I admit my anxiety goes up a little bit, and I can hear the questions. What does that mean? I am my own expert? How will I know I have it, right? Am I doing it right? How will I know when I won?

So let's take self-care as an example. It is something we hear all the time and even more so now during COVID.

You are super stressed, and your Monger is really loud, so decide you want to add more self-care into your life.

You read an article about self-care and decide they want to drink more water and move your body more throughout the day.

You set the alarm on your phone to go off once an hour, and you do some quick stretches and take a couple of sips of water. You check the box each time you do it. By the end of the day, you are a little annoyed with the alarm, it is hurting your productivity, and you ignore the last couple of alarms so you can push through and get stuff done.

This self-care routine works well for a couple of days. So well that you decide to stop setting the alarm on your phone, and after a couple of days, you forget that you were trying to implement more self-care, and you are back to your old habits. The whole day goes by, and you barely check in with yourself.

Let's try it a different way:

You realize you are super stressed, and by the end of the day, your neck and back are killing you. You decide that maybe getting up from your desk doing some stretches and drinking more water would be good.

You know you will have to set the alarm for the first few days because you are not in the habit. When the alarm goes off the first time you check in with yourself--is there any pain? Are you thirsty? You do some stretches, take some deep breathes, walk around the house, and drink your water. Before you head back to work, you check in again. You feel more energized, you didn't think you were thirsty, but you feel much clearer after drinking and moving your body.

You repeat this process every time the alarm goes off. And at the end of the day, you do another inventory---is the pain less overall? If no, maybe you need to change something else up; maybe you need to experiment with a different desk set-up? Or doing different stretches? Maybe you got bored with just water, so you need to switch it up with seltzer water or flavored waters?

In version 1, you are assuming you are going to do it wrong, you are broken, and you need to fix yourself with self-care. The idea of self-care is more performative, checking the box that someone else declared as a priority.

In version 2, you recognize you are a human being, not a machine, and you need to take of yourself. By checking in with yourself, you can see the effect self-care is having on you. You can discern if it is working or not. And the process becomes more nourishing and interactive rather than doing something because someone told you it might be beneficial. To keep your anxiety at bay, you still have an external reminder of the alarm. But hopefully, over time, as you start internalizing how much better you feel when you take regular breaks, you will notice your body needs/craves a break rather than some external alarm telling you to take a break.

Special Note: For some of us (me raising my hand here), our Mongers can be quite the taskmaster and get very loud and shaming when we take a break. If you can relate, here is a special tip: When you notice yourself needing a break, and your Monger tells you to keep going because you have to be productive. NOTICE how that feels. Notice how your body feels when it craves a break. Even if you don't take a break, building awareness of how your body feels, in general, is a baby step towards building self-loyalty.

This week I challenge you to try befriending yourself overturning your back on yourself. We are so busy looking outside of ourselves for the answers on how to fix our brokenness; we turn our back on ourselves. This week let's befriend ourselves. Let's get curious. "Hey Sweetpea, how are you doing right now?" and pause to hear the answer.

A Day In the Life of Self-Loyalty

Frequently I get asked what the benefit of having self-loyalty is. So I decided to walk you through the lives of 2 different women: Doubting Donna, who doesn't trust herself and allows her Monger and shoulds to take over. And Self Loyal Samantha, who doesn't always get it perfect but actively works to tune into what she needs and take care of herself.

 Doubting Donna:

Donna stresses the whole way to work, anxiety running through her brain, and her litany of to-dos take over. As she walks into work, her anxiety is at a fever pitch. The new young receptionist greets her. Immediately Donna doubts her clothing and can feel every bit of her 41 years. Her Monger takes over, and by the time she sits down at her computer, she feels about 2 inches tall.

Self Loyal Samantha:

She gets into the car, and as she flips on the radio, she starts listing off her to-do list. Before she can get too far, she recognizes the pattern of 'hopping herself up' with her to-do list. She takes three deep breathes, brings herself back into the car, flips on the radio, and starts singing along to one of her favorite songs. As she walks into work, the new young receptionist greets her. She starts to doubt her clothing and feels every one of her 41 years. Her Monger chimes in, and before it can nag her too much, Samantha quietly says to herself, "I may not look 20 anymore, but I have wisdom from my 41 years, not listening today, Ms. Monger". As she sits down at her computer, she is focused and ready to start the day.

Doubting Donna:

By noon, Donna is ready for a break. She has fielded several irate customer phone calls and is looking forward to eating her lunch outside alone. She has decided to start eating healthy and has packed her lunch with some of her favorite foods. Justin, her annoying co-worker, pops his head in and says the group is headed to the local pub for lunch. Donna knows she won't get good healthy food at the pub and will be drained after spending lunch with co-workers. However, Donna can't imagine missing out—what will they think of her if she doesn't go? They will think she is a wet blanket and a loner, so Donna puts a fake smile on her face and says, "I would love to go, thanks for asking" By 2 pm, Donna is full of fatty, fried foods and exhausted.

Self Loyal Samantha:

Samantha is looking forward to lunch. Her morning has been spent dealing with angry customer phone calls, and she is looking forward to eating her lunch outside alone. She has decided to start eating healthy and has packed her lunch with some of her favorite foods. Justin, her annoying co-worker, pops his head in and says the group is headed to the local pub for lunch. Samantha debates it briefly, but she knows that she needs to take care of herself if she is going to be productive this afternoon. Going to lunch with her co-workers will completely drain her. So Samantha says, "Thanks so much for the invite, but I am going to pass. I brought my lunch." Justin pushes a little bit, applying the peer pressure he is so gifted at, but Samantha sticks to her needs and says no with a smile. By 2 pm, Samantha is feeling energized and productive.

Doubting Donna:

At 4:30, Donna's husband calls to see what she planned for dinner—he is craving Mexican. At this point, Donna is fried, she would love for her husband to cook dinner or for them to go out, but she feels guilty. He has had a tough day too, so why should she ask him to cook. Donna sucks it up once again and tells him Mexican sounds excellent. Donna realizes they don't have taco shells on the way home, so she will have to stop at the store. By the time she gets home Donna is tired and cranky. She is pissed off that her husband is so selfish and can't just make dinner. Why is everything on her!! They eat dinner in silence, and Donna spends the rest of the night pouting on the couch. Her husband has no idea what is wrong and finally gives up after several attempts at asking.

Self Loyal Samantha:

At 4:30, Samantha's husband calls to see what she planned for dinner—he is craving Mexican. Samantha says, "that sounds good, but I have had a tough day, and we don't have any taco shells. Can we just go out for Mexican?" Her husband says, "That sounds good, but we need to save some money, but if you run to the store for taco shells, I will make dinner." Samantha is bummed because she was looking forward to going out, but she knows her husband is right. She agrees and, on her way home, stops for taco shells and the ingredients for her special margaritas. Over margaritas and tacos, Samantha and her husband share about their day. Samantha admits she is tired and wants to spend the evening on the couch watching TV; her husband says he will watch one show, but then he wants to head upstairs and read his new book. They spend the rest of the evening regrouping and re-energizing in their unique ways.

Being loyal to yourself changes everything. When you have self-loyalty, you don't get caught up in what everyone else is thinking. You know your needs and are comfortable in speaking them. You can set healthy boundaries and lovingly show your Mongers to the door. Being loyal to yourself doesn't guarantee peace; it doesn't guarantee an anxiety-free existence. It does ensure that when anxiety and doubt show up, you will know lovingly and respectfully handle it. You will have resilience for dealing with the Mongers, insecurity, and doubt that can plague our lives.

When You Are DONE and Yet There Is No End In Sight?

I have hit my wall, and I hear it in my clients’ voices too. Their default coping mechanisms of push, push, push are fading. They can’t keep up this pace.

We are all DONE. Done with COVID, done with being trapped at home with family, done with social distancing and masks, done with politics and all the division, and done worrying about money and the economy.

What do you do when you are DONE, and yet there is no end in sight? How do you keep going when all your normal coping skills aren’t working?

So today’s message is as much for me as you.

Slow down. This is a non-negotiable these days. I know it is the last thing you want to do. Slowing down is something I have to force myself to do. We have to find ways to slow down, be alone, connect with our Biggest Fan. I know that this seems impossible with kids and work and general life responsibilities, but we won’t survive if we don’t prioritize this one, even for a few minutes.

Here are some of my favorite ways.

You don’t have to do these practices for 20-30 minutes to get the benefits. It is easier for me to do a few of these throughout the day for short periods rather than one for 20-30 minutes (think in seconds, not minutes). Frequently I will set a timer on my phone to remind myself to take a break and slow down.

You can experiment with what works best for you.

Write/Journal: Studies have shown that just writing without editing what you are thinking and feeling moves the stress out of your body.

Take a walk: The Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh talks about walking meditation (even wrote a book about it), which is simply slowly walking and coordinating your breath with your steps. You can walk on the street, on a labyrinth, or in your living room.

Laugh: Watch a silly Youtube video, call a friend who makes you laugh, do something silly.

Eat: With each bite of food, you take remind yourself to slow down and pay attention. Slowly chew, slowly swallow, slowly taste. What flavors do you taste? How does the food feel in your mouth?

Look in the mirror. Any time you are in the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror. Really look at yourself. I will look in my eyes and say silently to myself, “Hello there, Sweet Pea; how is your day going?” When I started doing this, I would inevitably tear up because I was longing for that connection with myself, that ability to really SEE me and not just live solely in my head.

5 senses: Wherever you are, take a breath and do an inventory of your 5 senses. In the moment, what do you see? What do you feel? What do you hear? What do you taste? What do you smell? This meditation brings you immediately in the present moment. I practice this in the car, in the store, and in my office.

Move your Body: Have a dance party in your office or kitchen or go for a walk. Get out of your head and into your body.

Use your Breath: One of my favorites is simple 3 deep breaths. You can also inhale to a 4 count, hold for 7 and exhale to a count of 8 and repeat 4 times.

We tell ourselves we don’t have time for these activities, we have to keep our heads down, and to-do list checked off. I hear you, and I get it (Oh do I get it!!). If we are going to survive in the coming months without hurting one of our kids, punching our husband, or screaming at a co-worker over zoom, we have to engage in these activities. We have to slow down and give ourselves a break.

Three Lies People With High Functioning Anxiety Tell Themselves: Part 3

Today I am wrapping up the three lies we tell ourselves. Lately, I have noticed with myself and my clients there are lies we tell ourselves to keep ourselves in the unhealthy cycle of over-functioning---feel anxiety/shame---keep over functioning. We tell ourselves these lies with positive intent: get more done and avoid feeling anxious. But these lies are hurting us and keeping us from healing our anxiety.

Three lies we tell ourselves: 

1. I can break the time/space continuum.

2. I don't need help, also known as asking for help, is a personal weakness.

3. One mistake means we are complete failures. 

We have looked at lie #1 and lie #2

Today let's break down Lie #3: One mistake means we are complete failures.

Ok, rationally, we know this isn't true. We KNOW that makes no sense. And yet, our Monger plays there behind the scenes telling us that everything will be ruined if we make a mistake (she is so dramatic!!). We can see this lie playing out in our behavior. It keeps us trapped in indecision and inaction.

This lie is a sneaky one. It shows up in a variety of ways:

Procrastination: frequently, we don't take any action because we are protecting ourselves from imperfect action.

Over-researching: Looking for the answer out there, someone has to know the right answer, so we search and search before committing to anything.

Going to committee: surveying everyone we know to find the right way.

When you notice yourself engaging in these behaviors or any behaviors that keep you spinning in in-action you can:

Ask yourself, what am I feeling right now? Doubt? Fear? Anger? Confusion? Honor that feeling. Don't judge it for being stupid or unnecessary. Acknowledge the feeling.

Move your Body. Stand up and move your body.

Remind yourself you aren't eight years old. Frequently when I am struggling with fear of making a mistake, I will remind myself I am an adult, a woman in her late 40s who has lots of experience, education, and wisdom. When we get stuck in self-doubt, and our Monger runs the show, she likes to convince us we are young and stupid.

Try to see a bigger picture. There is no right way. Again we know this intellectually but to really believe that to the core of our being is challenging. Pulling back and seeing a big picture, we can see there might be multiple ways to solve the problem, and all of them could be 'right.'

Set a timer for 5 minutes and write down all the possible options. (Setting a timer is one of my favorite tricks to bypass the Monger). ​Pay attention as you write. You will notice which options appeal to you (not which options you THINK SHOULD appeal to you but honestly which options appeal to you. Trust those answers. Too often, we ignore our inner wisdom. We rush right past our Biggest Fan. She is there, quietly inside, waiting to guide you.

Bypassing the Monger and calling in the Biggest Fan requires more than just thinking. We have to notice our behavior, acknowledge our feelings, get into our bodies and brainstorm a bigger picture, all while being kind to ourselves. This is how we build self-loyalty. 

High Functioning Anxiety Treatment

On the outside, you seem like the most “together” person there is. You’re successful, driven. People see you as a leader and feel they can depend on you because you can handle it all. 

On the inside, however, you feel like you’re not living up to those expectations, like you can’t say no, or they will see you for the failure you really are. The truth is you may secretly feel like you’re drowning in worry and stress. 

If you’re known to be the hustler, the people pleaser, the perfectionist, the do-er, you might be struggling with high functioning anxiety (HFA). If you’re familiar with high functioning anxiety and what it is, then you’re probably wondering, “okay, so what do I even do about it? How do you treat anxiety? Is high functioning anxiety treatment a thing? What are high functioning anxiety treatment options? How do I get rid of anxiety?”

How Coping with High Functioning Anxiety is Hurting You

If you’re familiar with generalized anxiety disorder, you may understand how people with generalized anxiety may be feeling. However, high functioning anxiety is a type of anxiety disorder and requires a separate diagnosis because they aren’t the same. Coping with stress and anxiety is different when you have high functioning anxiety. 

Those with HFA might even believe that they have developed coping mechanisms to control their feelings of anxiety over the years. But those coping mechanisms could be causing you to feel more anxious and stressed. 

For example, you may try to combat your people-pleasing by creating boundaries and saying “no” more often. But the fear of telling someone no and them being upset with you causes that anxiety to rise within you. 

That’s why people-pleasing might seem like the easier answer. Thus starts the vicious cycle of actually coping with anxiety and thinking that you’re coping. You may start living in secret, never letting anyone know that you might be struggling with mental health anxiety or trying to reduce anxiety on your own. The truth is, living in secret makes things much harder and isn’t the best option for treating high functioning anxiety.

How to Actually Cope With High Functioning Anxiety

In reality, there isn’t a specific kind of treatment for anxiety, but people with high functioning anxiety can learn to cope with it so they can live a more joyful life. I know what you’re thinking, but dealing with HFA and improving your mental health is not impossible. It just requires a new way of looking at things and addressing them.

As a high functioning anxiety coach and anxious person myself, I, of all people, understand the cycle of beating yourself up for taking on too much and then beating yourself up the one time you say no. When it comes to things that help with mental health and HFA, the list could go on and on. That is why I have developed practical strategies and high functioning anxiety treatment options to address the anxiety that you may be struggling with. 

Acknowledge and Accept

It may sound simple, but the first step in coping with high anxiety is to acknowledge that something is going to make you feel anxious. And that’s okay. Part of addressing HFA is acknowledging how you’re feeling, what’s making you feel that way, and telling yourself, it’s okay. 

If you find yourself overthinking a conversation you had, wondering why you said yes to that work project when you have a million other things to do, or becoming overwhelmed with a simple decision, stop and breathe. 

I always encourage people to practice ASK:

• Acknowledge what you are feeling

• Slow down and get into your body

• Kindly pull back to see the big picture

It seems simple, but that’s the point. If we can recognize simple solutions to our HFA, we may gain better control over it. Simply acknowledge how you feel, why you feel this way, and don’t shame yourself for feeling anxious. 

Check-in with Yourself

If you noticed a friend or family member struggling, you would probably check in on them, right? It’s important to prioritize checking in on yourself as well. If you feel that you are starting to experience the weight of HFA, look at yourself in the mirror and say, “how are you doing?” I mean, REALLY look at yourself. Make eye contact with yourself in the mirror and say, ‘Hey there, How are you doing today?”

The more in tune we are with ourselves, the more likely we are to build a kind, loyal relationship with ourselves and address our anxiety. 

Give yourself permission to feel without having to justify, prove or defend the feeling, and notice when unhealthy coping mechanisms take over. When we get in touch with ourselves, we can stop looking outside ourselves for answers. 

Recognize That Coping May Be Causing HFA

Sounds counterintuitive, right? However, it makes sense if you think of it this way. People who live with HFA have often developed coping mechanisms to help them not feel anxious. For example, if you’re a classic people pleaser, you may tell yourself that you need to stop people-pleasing.

But then that feeling of saying no to create healthy boundaries suddenly turns into anxiety when you think about how you may have let someone down or made them upset. See what I mean? Then the coping of creating boundaries isn’t helping. It’s just creating more anxious thoughts. 

In order to address HFA, you also have to address the coping mechanisms that you use and how they could be causing you more anxiety. So the fear of saying no may cause you to start saying yes again because people pleasing seems easier than addressing your anxiety. 

Rather than actually helping you cope, it’s acting as a distraction from actually dealing with your anxiety, and now your to-do list that was causing you anxiety earlier is that much longer. That is why we want to recognize the coping strategies we set in place for ourselves and ask ourselves if we’re really dealing with our anxiety.

Make Friends With Your Monger

We all have one. Even as a mental health coach, I have often talked about my own Monger and what it tells me on a daily basis. The trick isn’t to ignore it or treat it, but it’s to recognize where it’s coming from. 

That thing in your head that keeps telling you things like “I better take on this project or they will think I am incompetent” and then “why did I take on that extra project when I have so much going on” or “I should’ve said no, why didn’t I just say no” she likes to increase the volume when you’re in periods of stress and anxiousness. 

Notice when she starts talking. From there, you can find the source of the anxiety and remind yourself of the big picture. 

Get Help from an Anxiety Coach

If you are looking for more help with high functioning anxiety, I offer coaching programs that may help! Sometimes going it alone can be one of the hardest parts of having high functioning anxiety, especially if you feel you can’t talk to anyone about how you feel.

I’ve designed my coaching program to make it easier to talk through your feelings and guide you through coping and how to treat your high functioning anxiety.

Three Lies People With High Functioning Anxiety Tell Themselves: Part 2

Last week I decided we need a collective High Functioning Anxiety intervention. :) Lately, I have noticed with myself and my clients there are lies we tell ourselves to keep ourselves in the unhealthy cycle of over-functioning---feel anxiety/shame---keep over functioning. We tell ourselves these lies with positive intent: get more done and avoid feeling anxious. But these lies are hurting us and keeping us from healing our anxiety.

Three lies we tell ourselves: 

1. I can break the time/space continuum.

2. I don't need help, also known as asking for help, is a personal weakness.

3. One mistake means we are complete failures.

Today let's break down Lie #2: I don't need help, also known as asking for help, is a personal weakness.

Asking for help is hard. It is way more challenging than just speaking up because it brings out our Monger who spreads other lies:

• You SHOULD be able to do everything.

• You would be a better person if you could do everything.

• THEY won't be able to do it as well as you.

I saw this first hand recently. We went camping, I have inflammatory arthritis, so I knew I would not be able to do as much as I usually would physically. Which, of course, my Monger was having a field day with. My husband said to me, "You know you aren't a BAD person if you can't do it all." I nodded and smiled, believing him that I wasn't a bad person.

And then, in all his wisdom, he said, "You know you won't be a BETTER person if you do it all yourself." That stopped me in my tracks. I turned and looked at him, and for a minute, my brain was processing what he said, "Wait a minute, you mean I won't be BETTER?" I thought. And then I laughed out loud because I KNEW I wouldn't be bad if I couldn't do as much, but I was telling myself I would be better if I didn't ask for help—such a toxic message. In reality, I won't be bad or good. I will just be me. If I ask for help, I will be me, and if I don't ask for help, I will be me just more miserable. :)

We know we won't be bad people if we ask for help, but we tell ourselves we will be better people if we don't. Pay attention to how much that belief comes up for you. The truth is we attach our workload to our worthiness. The more we do, the better we are. This is the ultimate lie that is keeping us stuck in the hustle and overworking. We feel shame, it triggers our anxiety, we over function to prove the shame wrong which leads to more anxiety, and then we beat ourselves up for not being able to do more with less anxiety. And round and round we go.

So my first tip for this week is to build in time to pause in your day. We get so caught up in the hustle that we keep taking on more and more. When we can build in pause time, we can ask ourselves, do I need to ask for help here? Am I taking on too much? Who can I ask for help?

A couple of thoughts on the practicality of asking for help: Asking for help brings some practical problems: what if they say no? What if they are annoyed at me? What if they don't do it as well?

1. They can always say no to your request, and you can always negotiate. For example, you ask your spouse to help by doing the laundry, and he says he doesn't have the time. He has a work deadline. You can counter by asking if he has time to sort the laundry and start one load, and you will finish it.

2. They might get annoyed at you that you are asking for help. This is hard. We don't ask for help because we don't want anyone mad at us. AND part of building self-loyalty is knowing people will get annoyed, and that is ok. They can be annoyed and do what we ask them, and they will get over it. Often, I see clients who have gone from doing it all to asking for help, and the people in their lives are like, "what is happening?!?" and can get a little upset about it. You have changed the rules, and people don't like it when the rules change. That doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong; it just means it will be uncomfortable.

3. They probably won't do as good of a job. A challenging part of asking for help is letting go of the final product. They will do it differently and maybe not as good as if you did the task (gasp!) I know for us perfectionists, that can be so hard! But learning to let other people get annoyed and struggle because of something we asked them to do is ok. We want to save them and take over. Resist that desire. Remind yourself that it doesn't have to be perfect, there is always a learning curve (for you and the person you asked), and it gets easier in time.

So to summarize:

1. Build-in pause time to ask yourself do I need to ask for help here? Am I taking on too much? Who can I ask for help?

2. Remember to negotiate if you receive a no.

3. If they are annoyed with you, remind yourself it is ok. Be kind to yourself, give yourself extra love, "It is hard to ask for help and have someone be annoyed they are allowed to have their feelings, and I need help it is ok to ask. This will pass."

4. If they don't do it as well or spend a lot of time teaching them how that is ok. We are all learning. Next time I ask for help, it will go smoother.