Three Lies People With High Functioning Anxiety Tell Themselves: Part 1

Earlier this week, I decided we need a collective High Functioning Anxiety intervention :) Lately, I have noticed with myself and my clients there are lies we tell ourselves to keep ourselves in the unhealthy cycle of over-functioning---feel anxiety/shame---keep over functioning. We tell ourselves these lies with positive intent: get more done and avoid feeling anxious. But these lies are hurting us and keeping us from healing our anxiety.

1. I can break the time/space continuum.

I say this jokingly, but I hear it all the time (and have personally experienced it). We have a long to-do list. So long, there is absolutely no way we will complete everything on the list in one day. We won't even come close. And yet, we begin each day by telling ourselves we should complete everything on the list, and then at the end of the day, when we realize we didn't, our Monger steps in to tell us how terrible we are at time management. It isn't time management; it is our unrealistic expectations and our inability to see ourselves as humans, not machines.

2. I don't need help, also known as asking for help, is a personal weakness.

We can do it all. Because if we ask for help: a. Our Monger will beat us up for being weak and asking for help. b. And even if we ask for help, "they" won't do it the right anyway.

So better just do it ourselves. Even though our to-do list runneth over and anyone could see we cannot do it all alone, we swallow the lie that we can't ask for help.

3. One mistake means we are complete failures.

Forget to add an ingredient to a recipe; through the whole thing out. Make a mistake on a presentation at work; you are definitely getting fired. You didn't have time to play with our child one day; you are a TERRIBLE Mom, and your child is destined to be a screen zombie for the rest of their lives. We live in extremes, and we don't give ourselves any room for error.

These mistakes are intentionally tongue and cheek to bring out the extreme of them. However, when you start paying attention, you will see these lies come up over and over again.

Over the next few weeks, I will be diving deeper into each of these lies.

Here are some things to do when you start noticing your tendency to want to break the rules of time and space.

When you sit down to write your to-do list, create two lists. The master list of ALL the things and then the realistic list. The realistic list is all the things you can HUMANLY get done in a day. Honestly, editing this list will be challenging because the belief that we can do it all and that everything on the list is a top priority is strong.

As you are writing your list:

• Take a breath

• Do a full-body movement (wiggle, stretch, dance)

• Check-in with yourself. How are you feeling today, both physically and mentally? Believe it or not, there are days you will get more done than others because you feel more rested, or your head is more clear. Our Monger tells us how we feel physically and mentally doesn't matter because we are machines who can do it all. Which is another lie. Building self-loyalty means we check in with ourselves and give ourselves kindness, not just hammer ourselves into submission.

• Ask yourself how many hours do I have to devote to this list?

• Ask yourself again how many hours do I have to devote to this list? Because you might not have been realistic. I know I tell myself I have 6 hours when in reality, I only have 4 (remember eating, drinking water, moving my body, responding to the relationships in my life take time.)

• Write the realistic list based on your answers above. Keeping in mind how you are feeling physically and mentally and the hours in the day. I aim for 3-4 items on the list. You can always go back and add more things if you complete the items.

• Celebrate! When you check off all the things on your realistic list at the end of the day, take time to celebrate!! Too often, we move right on to the next item on the list without celebrating.

Why It Is So Hard to Rest

“So are you going to take some time off around the Fourth of July holiday?” my husband asked recently. I stopped and paused. We had planned a couple of vacations that got canceled due to COVID, and I just worked through them.

My husband went on, “I mean, you haven’t stopped to take a vacation since December.” I was struck. He was right. When our vacation plans were canceled, I didn’t stop or rest or take a couple of days off; I just kept pushing.

Rest is something we have a funny relationship with—and by we, I mean those of us with high functioning anxiety, women, Americans, and those of us with really loud mongers.

There are a lot of messages from our culture, our families, and ourselves, not just against rest but pro work. Pro pushing. Pro productivity.

We all know rest is needed. I will not lecture you on the importance of rest because the number one thing my new clients say is, “I need a break. I need rest.”

It isn’t that we don’t value rest; it’s that when we take a rest, our Monger goes crazy. My Monger can be so loud you would think I was committing a felony by lying in bed mid-afternoon reading a book.

This inability to give ourselves rest is a problem. No, it is a crisis because we have lost touch with ourselves.

We are so good at pushing that we don’t even notice our body’s physical sensations telling us to stop. We can push past a headache or a backache, or indigestion. In fact, I have had several clients who ignored and hustled through physical pain to the point where it resulted in extended hospital stays.

Here is a cycle:

• Push-push-push all day, and while you feel okay at the end of the day, you are still beating yourself up for a to-do list that isn’t complete.

• You notice your thoughts are foggy, and your anxiety is higher, but you keep going and push through.

• Wake up with a headache and decide to work from bed because you feel so bad. But rather than resting and sleeping between Zoom calls, you push-push-push.

• End the day feeling slightly better but beat yourself up for a to-do list that isn’t complete.

• Your headache is gone the next day, but you have some acid indigestion and feel crabby. But the list is long, so better to get at it and

• Push-push-push.

• Your boss emails to say how amazing you are doing and how much she appreciates all of your extra work. “Yes!” you think as you pop some more antacids. That praise is enough to keep you going for another week back to push-push-push.

A couple of things I want to point out about this cycle:

1. You never win. You never say to yourself, “YAY! I did enough.”

2. Your body is not a machine. Rather than listening to the message of pain, fatigue, and fogginess as signs of being over your limits, you view it as yet another problem to workaround.

The problem is we forsake ourselves. We are not machines. We are beings with thoughts, feelings, reactions, vulnerabilities, shame, mistakes, wins, celebrations, love. We are messy.

If I asked you if you would rather be perceived as a machine or as a kind, soft, loving, vulnerable human being, I think it is safe to say you would prefer being the latter.

And yet, because of our wiring, because of cultural messages, because of genetics, traumas, etc., we forsake ourselves and end up acting more like machines.

We get bogged down in our to-do list. When we have big dreams, we want to create systemic changes we want to make, major issues we want to address, and injustices we want to fight. We can only fight those bigger battles and make those systemic changes when we are rested.

And yes, even now in the midst of all the upheaval, injustices, and protesting. When the call is loud to make a change, and we want to answer that call. We still need to rest. We can’t push-push-push through everything. Rest provides a chance to see a bigger picture, listen to our internal wisdom, make a plan, set deeper priorities.

With rest, we can stop acting from a place of reaction and make deeper, more powerful changes.

Back to my conversation with my husband, I said, “I guess I can take a staycation the week before the 4th of July.” Notice the hesitancy.

For the record, staycations haven’t worked in the past. I needed the forced distance from my life to quiet my Monger enough to rest.

Here is how staycations have gone in the past:

• Rather than resting as I would on vacation, I fill my time with doing all the things on the list that I don’t have time for on a regular day. So rather than reading a book on the back deck, I am power washing the back deck. Rather than getting back to nature in a local park, I am power walking in our neighborhood (telling myself it is more efficient).

• The only way I can rest without my Monger going crazy and telling me how inefficient I am is by watching TV. So I watch a lot of mindless TV.

I knew I had to do this week differently. I started with two goals.

1. Rest. Deep rest. Lots of sleep and no obligations.

2. I want to dive into some books I haven’t taken the time to read, listen to podcasts on my ever-growing list, journal, write, and do some creative projects just for fun. (FYI, “just for fun” is another Monger red flag. Everything has to have a purpose.) I do not want to spend the whole week in front of the TV.

So here are my parameters:

• I am telling everyone about my staycation just like I would tell everyone if I was taking a vacation.

• I put my away message up on my email. I told my clients I am taking the week off.

• I told my husband there would be no projects and no to-dos. I am filling my days with books and podcasts, and TV shows that I want to watch.

Looks good, right? I have set parameters and made goals—I am such a good little High Functioning Anxiety individual.

But here is the rub: parameters and goals are great, but they won’t protect me from my Monger. She will still be whispering in my ear, “Be a good girl and just check your email” or my BFF, in reaction to my Monger shaming me for not doing enough, will say, “Go ahead, just turn on the TV to see what is on.”

So I made one more commitment—and you might be able to guess what it is—I committed to being extra kind to myself this week. Because for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety, rest is messy, and it is uncomfortable.

So I am committing to being kind to myself when:

• the extra space rest allows all those messy thoughts and feelings to come to the surface (yikes!).

• my Monger repeatedly reminds me that rest isn’t productive.

• my BFF tells me to deal with my extra anxiety with more sugar or more TV watching.

I commit to practicing A.S.K. and listening for the voice of my Biggest Fan, saying, “Sweet-pea, you are not a machine. To fight the fights you want to fight and create the changes you want to create, you have to rest.”

The F-word: Feelings

Feelings is the ultimate F word, or at least that is how I felt about feelings for a long time.

Ironic that I am using Father’s Day to talk about feelings. This can be an emotionally charged day for many of us, whether we want to admit it or not. Parents, family, mothers, fathers bring up a LOT of feelings.

Feelings are messy and uncontrollable, and if there are two things that those of us with HFA hate, it is messy and uncontrollable. We like to convince ourselves that we can control our feelings. The self-help, personal development world helps us with this message by spreading the myth that thoughts always control your feelings.

But in my experience and research, controlling your feelings is futile. Sure, you can tell yourself to be grateful while feeling sad, or you can tell yourself you want to feel happy, and it might help for a moment or two, but that isn’t how feelings work. Feelings are biological sensations that happen in your body involuntarily.

Let’s say you are walking in the woods and you see something that looks like a snake. Your amygdala (the lizard part of your brain) thinks, “Oh my, that looks like a snake!” and tells your body to freeze. You freeze, and your heart rate increases, and then you start to investigate: you move closer to see if it is alive, you think about what snakes might be in the area, etc.

People in the self-development world who teach that thoughts create feelings would explain this interaction by saying the thought, “Oh my, it’s a SNAKE,” created the feeling of fear, but that is not actually true. The truth is the amygdala being the amazing machine that it is, saw a pattern that it had learned was a threat; our body went into fear mode to heighten our senses so we could figure out what was going on, and then our brain thought, “snake.”

The problem is we aren’t aware of all those other processes. All we are aware of is that we thought “snake” and felt fear, so, therefore, the thought caused the feeling. Even if we determine that it was a rope on the trail instead of a snake, our bodies will need time to settle and let go of the fear. Because the fear is not psychological, it’s biological. 

Here’s an example from my own life. June is a tough month for me, and Father’s Day kicks off a week of reminders that my Dad is gone: my parent’s anniversary and my Dad’s birthday all fall within a week of each other. I will notice myself feeling sad, distracted, and more sensitive leading up to this time. I am not actively thinking about my Dad. I am not actively reminding myself to feel sad or saying to myself, “Uh, no, this week is going to suck.” I will start to feel uneasy before I am aware of what is happening.

So did the feeling cause the thought, or did the thought cause the feeling? It doesn’t matter. And from the research I have done, it could go either way, depending on the thought/feeling combo. But when you are using the idea that thoughts always control feelings, you are giving yourself A LOT of control and setting up expectations that if you could only change your thought, you could change your feelings.

When we have high functioning anxiety, three of our top goals are being in control, accomplishing a lot, and feeling happy. To achieve each of those, we need to ignore any feeling that doesn’t help us toward that goal (so any feeling that isn’t happy).

We ignore ourselves. We ignore our sensations. We ignore our feelings.

So today, as I have moments of sadness in missing my Dad, I can allow those. I can say, “Huh, there it is... Man, oh many, I miss you, Dad. I can shed some tears; I can sob if I need to. I can express that emotion in a healthy, productive way.

Years ago, I would have said to myself:

• It is silly to feel sad. I mean, you had him in your life for years—you should be grateful.

• Your friend just lost her Dad, so she has it so much worse.

Those statements do not change the feeling. They just make me feel shame for having the feeling.

Instead, I can say to myself, “It’s hard to miss him so much. Being sad is hard. And understandable.”

Noticing and allowing my feelings has been a game-changer. This means noticing without judgment. So today, if you feel sad, if you miss your father, or wish you had a different or better relationship with your father, that is okay. You don’t have to justify that he has been gone for years, or you didn’t have a close relationship, or he had a good life. You are sad you miss your Dad. PERIOD. The same is true if you had a joyous day celebrating your Dad. All feelings are okay. You don’t need to justify, prove, or defend them.

All of those excuses were simply geared towards pushing feelings away, shaming you for having them. When you can notice them and allow them, they will dissipate. They become like a ball bouncing on the waves of the ocean: only when we try to control the ball and force it under the water does it become hard. If we allow the ball to just bounce without seeking to control it, it is easier.

Listen, Learn, Make Corrections

Last week I wrote that listen, learn, make corrections is my new motto.

I heard that somewhere on social media and loved it. Not just in reference to what is happening in our larger world with the protests and the societal realizations around systemic racism, but in my day-to-day life.

Listen, learn, make corrections is what self-loyalty is all about.

If you have been around here for a while, you have heard me talk about self-loyalty. I believe building self-loyalty is the key to decreasing anxiety.

I love the term self-loyalty because most of my clients rank loyalty as a top value; loyalty to their mothers, fathers, spouse, kids, friends, work, and the world in general.

They are the caregivers of their aging parents.

They are the listeners, supporters, lovers, givers, cheerleaders, fans, head-down-get-the-job-done workers.

They are the backbone of their families, relationships, and workplaces.

They ooze loyalty to everyone around them. They are strong, quiet, kind, get-the-job-done individuals.

The dark side of this loyalty, the shadow side of this devotion to others, is the exhaustion, the never-ending to-do list, the never feeling good enough, whole enough, satisfied enough—the anxiety.

AND the paralysis due to the fear of doing it wrong.

When you are loyal to yourself, you are less afraid to speak up. You have less overthinking and analysis. You can see what is happening with the world, check in with your gut, and then make a sound decision.

Maybe the decision is to seek more support or more answers.

Maybe the decision is that you already know what to do and challenge yourself to move past the fear and confusion.

But with self-loyalty, the fear of getting it wrong or saying the wrong thing doesn’t paralyze you. Self-loyalty reminds you that you will be okay because your relationship with yourself is the only one you will be with forever. So we might as well be kind and generous with ourselves.

When we have self-loyalty, listen, learn, make corrections becomes second nature. Without it, the phrase becomes: react, get defensive, shut down.

So what does self-loyalty look like? How do you know if you have it?

Well, self-loyalty isn’t something you get, like a haircut; it is something you cultivate, like stronger biceps. It is an ongoing process, especially for those of us who have High Functioning Anxiety.

At the root of high functioning, anxiety is the belief that you are broken and unworthy, and so when you feel anxiety, you want to run away from yourself as quickly as possible in the hope of feeling better. You look outside yourself to gurus, family, culture, friends, and other resources to know the right way to move forward. This constant turning away from ourselves to look for the answer perpetuates the message that we can’t trust ourselves.

For example, looking at our larger world. I see the need and feel the call to make a systemic change regarding race relations in this country. And that feels HUGE and scary. My Monger comes in to say: “What if you do it wrong? What if you offend more people?? What if you are a racist?!”

If I don’t have self-loyalty, I might get stuck there spinning on about what to do but not ever taking action. Or I might start reading a bunch of books, listening to podcasts, and soaking myself in knowledge, so I can ensure that I don’t make a mistake. This option also leaves me in the inaction camp.

But what if I practice self-loyalty? This means I know I will do it wrong, I know I will say it wrong, I know I have a lot to learn, AND inaction is not an option. So I practice being kind to myself, reminding myself that I will mess up and that is not the end of the world. Being perfect is not the goal. The goal is engaging with the world, making changes where necessary, and doing it better.

I look inward, seeing where my biases show up (whether about race, social class, gender, or sexual orientation).

I read and listen to books and resources and question them instead of just assuming the writer/speaker knows the absolute right way.

I engage in conversations with friends and family about this topic.

I listen, learn, make corrections.

It's Been Far Too Long

Let me introduce myself –

I am a white, upper-middle-class, liberal American woman. I am steeped in bias. I am fearful of doing it wrong. I am embarrassed for being so slow to step up and act. I feel ignorant, fragile, and stupid for feeling ignorant and fragile. I feel overwhelmed that the problem is too big. My conflict-avoidant nature tells me to stay quiet, keep my head down, and let the grown-ups in the room figure it out.

And this week, I finally realized that isn’t enough anymore. I HAVE to move past those feelings. I HAVE to risk doing it wrong.

So today’s post is addressed specifically to my fellow white women who might be feeling that way too. 

The first thing I want to say is that I don’t have all the answers. Hell, I don’t even have some of the answers. But I do have a strong willingness to try and learn to do it differently, so this article is opening the conversation. I am going to provide some reflections, give some resources, and invite further discussion. 

I have spent a lot of time (too much time) on social media this week, and there is one trend I see over and over and over: I call it “look at me” protesting. Meaning that well-intentioned white women throw up a liberal post about Black Lives Matter and then throw down a few comments correcting other white people for using the wrong term or sharing the wrong sentiment, all to say, “LOOK AT ME! I am speaking up. I am an open-minded, liberal person.” This act of actively shaming people in the spirit of being a liberal white person is toxic behavior. 

And we need to check ourselves.

I want us to notice our shame. There is SO MUCH SHAME. And when we feel that shame, we get defensive, judgmental, and self-protective. In other words, our BFFs are running amuck.

Our BFF will always protect us from feeling shame (whether from our Mongers or the outside world). She is as sneaky as our Monger. She encourages us to shame other people to make ourselves feel better. She convinces us that everyone else is the problem, and we are good liberal women. She tells us it is okay not to do anything. That it won’t help anyway—I mean, what can one person do when the whole nation is a mess?

I have seen my BFF a lot this week. I see a post on social media that makes me feel shame, and my BFF comes out to say, “Well, who does she think she is?!” or “She said it wrong! It isn’t African American; it is a Person of Color.”

When I hear my BFF yammering, I try to pause and bring in my Biggest Fan. I practice ASK. I acknowledge all of those uncomfortable feelings. I get into my body, and I get some perspective. I ask myself: Wow, what is that about?!? Is there something I need to own here?

I give myself some extra kindness and remind myself that this is uncomfortable. This is hard, and I can do hard things. I can grow here.

We have been steeped in a system of biases. The messages are everywhere in our culture, in our families, and the media—and these messages are taking innocent black lives. We swallow these messages every day, and we need to start owning them, getting uncomfortable, and making corrections. 

So here are some next steps: 

Articles:

Resources to take action: Petitions, protests, and organizations that need money. These are ways you can take action in the larger world.

What I said when my white friend asked for my black opinion on white privilege: This is a longer article, but she shares powerful examples of the insidiousness of privilege. 

Videos:

How to overcome our biases? Walk boldly toward them. TEDx talk by Vernā Myers. An informative and humorous look at how biases are everywhere. 

Who, Me? Biased? This is a powerful short video series on how bias works.

Books:

The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas

This is is a young-adult novel that I read a few years ago. It started a lot of conversations for me around race and the police. 

Sixteen-year-old Starr Carter moves between two worlds: the poor neighborhood where she lives and the fancy suburban prep school she attends. The uneasy balance between these worlds is shattered when Starr witnesses the fatal shooting of her childhood best friend Khalil at the hands of a police officer. Khalil was unarmed.

How to Be An Anti-Racist by Ibram X. Kendi

A New York Times bestseller. A “groundbreaking” (Time) approach to understanding and uprooting racism and inequality in our society—and in ourselves.

Bonus: Ibram X. Kendi was interviewed this week on Brené Brown’s podcast, Unlocking Us.

Podcasts:

The Opt-In Podcast: The Opt-In invites its audience to an intimate, ongoing conversation between a Woman of Color and a white woman who are unpeeling their collective conditioning, exploring ongoing re-education, and stumbling on their traumas and blind spots, all while making more space for love, forgiveness, freedom, and truth. 

Speaking of Racism: A podcast dedicated to frank, honest, and respectful discussions about racism in the US.

I admit, when I first went to buy the books I listed above (and a few others), I filled my cart and then said to myself, “Really? Are you going to read all of these books? Let’s pick one.”

Pick one. Pick one podcast. Pick one link above. Pick one book. AND READ IT. LISTEN TO IT. Then pick one white friend or a couple of white friends and talk about it. 

Find a space where you feel safe to say, “I am ignorant. I have uncomfortable questions. Can you help?” One of the best things I did this week was reach out to a friend of mine, and we agreed to create a shame-free space where we can challenge each other and say things we feel stupid saying. Most importantly, create these spaces with other white people—do not seek safe spaces or require emotional labor, from black people, especially right now. 

Loving Reminder: This is ongoing work. This is work we need to be doing all the time, every day. Checking our biases, noticing our judgments, seeing our shame. Our Monger tells us if we don’t do all the things right now, we are doing it wrong, so the tendency is to go out and buy all the books, save all the links I shared to watch later, and blast social media with all the anti-racist messages you can find. And then, a month from now, the books sit, the links go unread, the podcasts and videos are forgotten, and social media goes back to dogs and selfies. 

This is not a “let’s look at the issue of race and privilege hard this week and then next week go back to life as normal” situation. Our Mongers will tell us we have to do it perfectly or not do it at all. Remember, she loves right and wrong thinking. Do not listen to your Monger. I will do it wrong, and you will do it wrong. We are human; we do things wrong.

There is no right way. But here is my new motto when you make a mistake: Listen, learn, make corrections.

Feel free to reach out to me and share your messy thoughts and feelings. I am actively learning, so if you know of any helpful resources, please send them my way.

Stay safe, my friends.

Being Flawed Means Being Human

When I first started counseling people, I was a fan of simple fixes and actionable strategies, which totally fits the profile of someone with high functioning anxiety. Get in, get it taken care of, get out.

However, the more I do this work with shame, mongers, and high functioning anxiety, the more I am amazed by our complexity as humans. Simple fixes aren’t going to cut it, and man, oh man, we humans just love simple fixes. The ability to flip a switch and make a change is so alluring, but the issues we face both personally and culturally require complex change.

The one thing they both share, the one solution they both need, is admitting we are flawed and recognizing that change doesn’t come from beating ourselves up for those flaws but by owning them and choosing to change them.

One of the reasons I love working with clients through voice messages rather than face to face is that it gives them the space to be a little more honest with me, and therefore, themselves. Those of us with high functioning anxiety always need to please, to do it right, to put our best face forward—and sometimes we get so good at it that we start to fool ourselves.

Our Monger has trained us to think flaws are bad, that doing anything wrong is the worst thing, and how we present ourselves to the world is the most important thing. That leaves us with a lot of well-meaning, kind people who struggle to see their flaws for fear of retribution from their Monger.

I see this happening on a micro level and a macro level. In our day-to-day personal lives, our Monger keeps us trapped in the cycle of push-push-push and “never let them see you sweat.” We don’t want to admit we are overwhelmed, sad, and scared because we interpret that as weak, and we are strong!

There is so much uncertainty in our daily lives, and knowing the next right thing to say or do is hard. When we can notice if we are tired, overwhelmed, or scared, and not criticize ourselves for not being “strong,” we can give ourselves the kindness and grace to keep going.

This also shows up on a macro cultural level in how we deal with injustice and privilege. I have noticed this in my own life. I tell myself that I appreciate all people, that I don’t have any racism or judgment, that I am a kind, loving person. And all of that is true; I do hold those values very highly. And still, I have been steeped in our culture, which has taught us through media, jokes, and passing comments the lie that people of color are less than me.

Even as I write these words, my Monger is screaming, “Don’t say that out loud! What will people think?!”. But it wasn’t until I started noticing that bias and getting honest with my stereotypes and judgments that I could start changing them. I noticed that I have a different reaction to seeing a person of color wearing a hoody and running down our street versus a white person. When I can notice that I am judgemental and not immediately shame myself for it, I can make changes.

This is the power of the Biggest Fan. That voice of kindness and wisdom who can step in and say, “Honey, you are sad and overwhelmed, and that is okay. Those emotions don’t make you weak. They make you human, and humans are strong. What do you need to give to yourself right now?”

She also says to me, “Oh, Sweet pea, you have some biases showing up. Let’s start bringing those out into the light and questioning them.”

Your Monger can’t survive kindness. She can’t argue with the truth that our Biggest Fan lovingly reminds us, “You are human. You are flawed. That’s okay. Let’s pull those biases out and shine some light on them.”

What if Your Sensitivity Was a Good Thing?

Last night I hit a wall. Again.

I admit I have hit the wall a few times during this pandemic, but last night was different. All of the feelings hit. The images of cars lined up for hours before the food banks even open, the articles about small businesses that probably won't survive, the stories of people losing loved ones and not being able to be with them as they take their last breaths. Suffering and pain seem like it is everywhere, and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight: more unknowns, more cancellations, more suffering.

I share that not to be depressing but to counter what I have done for years. Honoring my sensitivity and acknowledging the reality of what we are living through. To stop pretending that everything is fine and that I can move past these icky, hard feelings if I just busy myself with life.

I now know there is no pushing down. There is no busy enough. Those feelings always come back.

Here's something very few people know: People with high functioning anxiety are sensitive. We feel a lot, but we hide it. We push it down and bury it deep inside, hoping we can busy it away with work and the to-do list. We appear to be perfectionists and all business, the responsible and always on top of it folks, not the sensitive folks. But here's our dirty little secret: We are sensitive.

I am so passionate about helping people with high functioning anxiety because I love their sensitivity, and I know that sensitivity is a gift that needs to be shared with the world.

Yes, we appear strong, together, and unphased, but inside, we think of all the people suffering and how we can help them. You might be outwardly putzing with the kids' homework and figuring out dinner, but internally you are thinking: What if I get COVID? Or worse, what if one of my kids gets COVID? You might be externally obsessing about what game you should play for game night while internally grieving for the friend who lost her Dad but can't have a funeral.

We care a lot. We care so much that it is overwhelming.

We were sent messages that being sensitive is not appropriate and feelings are not okay throughout our lives. We might have been shamed and belittled for being sensitive and feeling deeply, so we learned to hide those feelings, to attempt to stuff them down and pretend they don't exist. We learned to show our caring by doing. Doing more. Doing better.

But what happens when you can't do enough?

When you can't fix it?

When no one knows the right way?

When the sadness and suffering are overwhelming?

Well, all you are left with is your feelings.

Think of feelings like a beach ball in the ocean. Like our feelings, the ball bounces along the top of the ocean. Always there, constantly bouncing. We were taught that you can't leave the ball out there in the open, that it needs to be hidden. We were told that bouncing balls are not appropriate; they are just a distraction. So we try to pull the ball underwater and hold it down. We can do that for a minute or two, but then—poof!—the ball always forces its way up.

That is what our feelings do. They usually come out as anger (yelling at our kids for being too loud), frustration (nit-picking at a co-worker), or shame (hello, Monger! She has been particularly mean these days).

Here is my reminder to you:

• It is okay to be sensitive.

• It is okay to feel deeply about all that is happening. 

• It is okay to cry.

• It is okay to feel helpless and filled with grief. 

That doesn't mean you are negative or too much, or overly dramatic. It means you are a human living through scary, uncertain times. It means you are kind and generous and feel.

You are so good at doing, caring, and being on top of things because you are sensitive to the world.

This brings me back to my tears last night. The dam finally broke. Allowing myself to cry, to feel helpless and sad was healing. Counter to everything my Monger was telling me, I could let go of the beach ball and just let it bob there. Try it.

Give yourself a break. We can't fix this. We can't make it okay for our friends, family, and loved ones. But we can be present. We can slow down. We can give back. We can be honest with ourselves and our loved ones. Speak our needs, listen to their experience, and share what we are experiencing, as well. We can show up for ourselves and be kind.

Two Lies Keeping You Stuck

This week has been particularly challenging for a variety of reasons, both physically and emotionally. My friend has texted me every day to see how I am doing and remind me to be kind to myself.

When I read her text yesterday and saw the "be kind" sentiment, I thought yeah, yeah, yeah... be kind... blech. Then I thought, "You say those words all the freakin' time to your clients, but how can you be kind when you are feeling crappy?!"

After I texted my friend to thank her for the reminder, I thought about it more. Here are a few of those thoughts:

Being kind to yourself feels unnatural.

How sad is that!? But when I practice being kind to myself, my first reaction is a bit like:

"What is happening here?!" Followed by..."No, no, no, this doesn't seem right." And then finally, "Oh yes, wow, that feels good."

It feels unnatural because we have been taught two truths:

1. That your worthiness is linked to your productivity.

2. The meaner you are to yourself, the more productive you are.

Even writing those two lines makes me cringe because they are vicious lies even though they feel like truths.

You can sub in a number of words for productivity (e.g., beauty, shape, grades, job title, parenting), but no matter what word you choose, we have been sold the lie that our worthiness is linked to something and the only way to get that something is to be mean to ourselves.

It is those two beliefs that need to be changed. They are like knots that need to be loosened so they aren't so tight and controlling. And the only way to loosen those knots is to start noticing when they show up and be kind.

"Okay, so how do you loosen those knots, Nancy Jane?? You are the one who is always saying be kind to yourself!" says my Monger.

I know the more you are reminded to be kind to yourself, the more it will sink in (just like my friend texting it to me every day this week).

This brings me to my next thought:

Being kind takes practice.

I realized this week that I have been practicing being kind for a while. When I first started, I didn't even know I had a kind voice. I didn't think my Biggest Fan existed! I have cultivated her through practice, and yet, even now, there are good weeks and bad weeks. There are days I excel at it and days I fail miserably. Some days it feels 100% natural, and some days my Monger chimes in with, "Seriously, what is this hippy-dippy crap. Stop being such a wimp and get to work." And even on those days, when my Monger is at her worst, I know my Biggest Fan isn't gone—she's just a little blocked by my Monger.

So what does that practice look like? How do you catch yourself in those two lies? It is simple to describe but very hard to do.

Notice when you look in the mirror and think, yuck, and come in with that voice of kindness saying, "I know you wish you had no wrinkles, but come on, you have earned every one of those wrinkles by laughing too hard and concentrating too much. Is life about wrinkles or experiences?"

Or when your body says it needs to rest in the middle of the day and your Monger comes in to say, "Get at it or you are going to get fired," pause to hear that voice of kindness that says, "Ugh, being tired and having work to get done is so hard, but let's be honest, you are not going to get fired. You are awesome at this job, and the deadline for this project is next week, so there is time." Or "What if you took a nap for 10 minutes? Just lay your head down on the desk and sleep." Or "I can finish this project tonight after the kids go to bed. I am going to curl up with them and zone out to a movie right now."

• Notice your Monger talking.

• Acknowledge how hard it is to be kind to yourself.

• Remember the two lies and that you don't want to live under their spell anymore.

• Brainstorm other reasons/alternatives to the Monger's scenario.

This is what I do. What do you do? How do you practice being kind to yourself? What have you found that works?

Being kind is challenging. It feels unnatural, and it is not what we have been told to do. We need as many ideas as possible to change these two lies and establish new truths.

When We Use Praise to Ease Our Anxiety

Earlier this week, a client* reached out to me via Voxer. We have been working on recognizing when her Monger was talking and then bringing in her Biggest Fan.

I suggested she try one of my favorite techniques: When you notice your Monger talking, grab a piece of paper and write down everything she says. Yes, it will be nasty and mean, which is exactly the point — for you to see in writing just how nasty and mean you are to yourself. Then, grab another piece of paper and write what your Biggest Fan might say in response.

So, for example:

Monger: I am going to fail at this work project.

Biggest Fan: What do you need to do to succeed at this work project? (i.e., advice, insight, more time)

Later that day, my client Voxed me back to say she did the exercise, and it worked! She was so excited to have heard from her Biggest Fan and to see the results of our work together. She felt amazing!

However, later that week, she Voxed me to say she kind of missed the drama of the Monger and the BFF going back and forth.

"Is this normal?" she asked. "I mean, I am working with you to get to know my Biggest Fan more to decrease my anxiety, and I am doing just that, and yet, it feels wrong. Am I just never going to be happy?!"

I knew what she was talking about. This is something that always happens to me, to my clients, and to every single person I have worked with. We miss the drama of the Monger and the BFF.

It isn't crazy; it is understandable. We have had a relationship with this voice for most of our lives, so of course, you are going to miss it. These voices are familiar, and yes, sometimes that familiarity breeds comfort. Not to mention how much drama and distraction she brings into your life.

This phenomenon comes from three principles you learn growing up:

1. Your thoughts, needs, and feelings are not as important as other's thoughts, needs, and feelings. Therefore, you should always listen to what others think, need, and feel and try to make them as happy and fulfilled as possible. After all, when we succeed in fulfilling another's expectations, we might be praised, and that praise is A.MA.Z.I.N.G., and that amazing feeling from praise eases our anxiety.

2. The only way to get that praise is by listening to the shaming and belittling voice of our Monger because she also keeps us believing that #1 is true.

3. When we get tired of being the "good girl" and trying to fulfill everyone else's thoughts, feelings, and needs, we bring in the BFF (the voice of self-indulgence) to rebel and have a little fun.

And around and around we go. Feeling anxious, seeking praise to ease that anxiety, listening to the Monger, and then wanting to rebel so we start listening to the BFF to ease the pressure.

So breaking that pattern is hard, which is why the simple self-help advice to "change your thoughts" or "just breathe" gets so frustrating. Those techniques are not healing the familiarity, the comfort, the well-worn pattern of using external praise to ease anxiety. This is why my work has a two-fold approach.

First, we do the basics:

1. Recognize your Monger's voice is talking.

2. Distinguish the BFF voice from your Monger's voice.

3. Building up the voice of the Biggest Fan.

While we are doing those three things, we also strengthen the power of internal praise—building self-loyalty. The more I do this work, and the more I work with High Functioning Anxiety and Mongers, the more I see the key is self-loyalty. Trusting yourself.

Knowing that your viewpoint, wants, needs, values, and perspective are important, and when it comes to living your life, they are more important than the other. 

So what did I say to my client when she said she missed her Monger and her BFF?

I said, "Of course you do! You have spent your whole life listening to them and believing them. Now we are building a new relationship with your Biggest Fan, and from the perspective of our Monger and BFF, this kind, wise voice is a boring buzz-kill. But we have already established their perspectives don't have our best interest at heart."

This work takes time, so be patient and stick with it. Life is so much better without the Monger being in charge. Life is so much better without anxiety running the show. It is so satisfying to hear our Biggest Fan's kind, trusted voice instead of the mean, shaming Monger's voice.

* This example is a composite of clients, not just one.

Looking for the Rules

Am I doing it right?

What are the rules?

Am I being a good girl?

These are questions I have been hearing from both myself and my clients. Doing it right and following the rules are ways that people with High Functioning Anxiety keep their anxiety in check. Some of us learned this at an early age: feel anxious--scan the environment--figure out the rules--change yourself to follow the rules--get lots of praise--anxiety decreases. Rinse and repeat.

Much of my work with clients breaks this "change yourself" cycle by helping them recognize their anxiety and find other ways to decrease it. But in this time of triage, not treatment, we need some simple tricks to tweak our anxiety temporarily.

I have talked with many people struggling with the rules (or lack thereof) right now. Anxiety is high for everyone, and for those of us who seek anxiety relief through rule-following, it can be extra challenging. Because right now, nobody knows the right way. Nobody knows the rules. Good girl, praise is hard to come by.

So today, I want to offer a few tips if you are struggling with a lack of rules:

Find something you can control

Obsessing over the news, scrolling through Twitter, trying to find the right resources and research. Take a pause, put down the phone or the computer, and get into your body. Do a stretch, do a wiggle, and acknowledge what you are feeling. When we are feeling out of control, it is because we are trying to control a feeling inside of us that is uncomfortable.

Remind yourself this is hard, and riding this roller coaster of feelings is challenging. Living with all this uncertainty can be overwhelming. Then ask yourself: What can I control? Maybe it is what you are having for dinner that night or planning a family game night. Change your focus to the next thing you need to do. Trouble comes when we start looking too far into the future.

Remind yourself it is okay not to know.

Life is uncertain. We are being reminded of that now more than ever, but life is always uncertain. It was easier to lull ourselves into a false sense of security during pre-COVID times, but life has always been uncertain. That truth doesn't make this time any less scary, but sometimes I find relief in knowing I didn't ever really have control. I just convinced myself I did.

It is okay not to be okay.

I reminded myself of this statement earlier this week when I was having a tough morning, my anxiety was high, and I spent much of the morning trying to pull myself into a better mood. And then finally, my Biggest Fan quietly whispered, "Oh Sweetpea, it is so hard to feel so anxious, isn't it?" and my body gave a big exhale as I thought, "Yes, it is."

For many of us, it is a default to search for the right way and try to pull ourselves out of a bad mood. We are always on the quest to be a good girl, which translation means happy, at peace, content, and in control. So here is a loving reminder: There isn't anything wrong with you if you are in a bad mood. You are not doing it wrong. It's okay not to be okay. 

Be kind.

I say this every time because it is so important. Our Mongers are especially loud right now and them piling on to our anxiety by telling us how pathetic and wrong we are just isn't helpful. So as much as you can, be kind to yourself. This is hard. This is super hard. This is exceptionally hard. Be kind.

A Letter from Your Biggest Fan

A few months ago, when I would ask clients or friends, "How are you doing?" the answer would be some version of "You know, as good as can be expected." or "Hanging in there." But these days, when I ask that question, the response is something like, "Ugh, I am done. So overwhelmed, exhausted, and just done." I know I have hit the wall a couple of times and Covid combined with the gray days of January here in the northern hemisphere—we are all digging deep.

The high functioning anxiety coping mechanisms of "I got this" and push push push are getting harder and harder to do. So today I wanted to offer a letter from your Biggest Fan.

Your Biggest Fan is that quiet voice inside of you. She is the voice of self-loyalty. The wise, kind voice of grace and understanding, reminding you that you aren't broken.

Dear Sweet Pea -

Wow. You have hit the wall, huh? Understandable. I see you hustling, pushing, and trying to out-run your anxiety. You push push push all day, soothing everyone else's needs, being the responsible one, the adult in the room.

But sometimes, that gets old. Sometimes you want someone else to pick up the "responsibility baton," right? (But let's be honest, only if they follow all your rules and do it exactly right. Ha!)

Let's slow down for one second. Yes, I know you DO NOT want to. I know you are afraid to stop moving. But give me one second, and let's slow down. I promise it won't be as scary as you think.

Go to the bathroom. Shut the door. Take a breath. A big breath. Inhale. Exhale. Stretch your hands up to the sky. (Go ahead, I promise it will feel good!) Now bend over and touch your toes. Stretch your neck and feel your shoulders loosen. Inhale. Exhale.

Now, look at yourself in the mirror. Really see yourself, make eye contact with yourself. Too often, you are so busy you look right past yourself. Place your hands over your heart take another deep breath.

Sweet pea. These are scary times. There are a lot of unknowns. AND you can't keep pushing without giving yourself some kindness. It just isn't sustainable.

I get it. It feels good. It feels like you are doing something which is better than the alternative, feeling all of that anxiety.

But here's the secret I know you don't quite believe yet: You can handle this and be kind to yourself.

One day at a time. One hour at a time. One second at a time. We can make our way through.

Berating yourself doesn't help. It is just where you go when the stress gets too much. By the time you finally hear that Monger voice, she has probably been talking most of the day. Telling you that you are doing it wrong, your boss is mad at you, or you are a terrible Mom for losing patience with your kids. Tell her we aren't going there and then put your hands over your heart, feel your feet on the ground, take a deep breath, and say, "Hey sweetpea," and I will be there with a calm, kind voice asking you what's the next thing you need.

Just in case you missed it, notice I didn't say 'what's the next thing you need to do.' I said NEED. Period. What's the next thing you need? Maybe it is checking something off the to-do list, but maybe it is a glass of water to take a walk, get a hug, sit down, watch Netflix or reach out to a friend.

You don't have to constantly be doing.

You don't have to know all of the answers.

You don't have to be the responsible one.

Hands over your heart, feel your feet on the ground, take a deep breath,

You got this.

Always here with kindness and wisdom,

Your Biggest Fan

What I've Observed During Quarantine

As we start week four or five of quarantine, we are settling into this new normal depending on where you live. And by settling in, I am not implying that this is easy!

Something that makes us feel better is knowing we are not alone; we are not the only ones feeling a certain way. In that spirit, I wanted to share a few trends I am noticing.

The Inner Critic (or as I like to call it, a Monger) is LOUD

It seems like, across the board, that damn inner critic has been loud and mean. To the point where many of my clients feel like they have taken steps backward with their Monger work. You have not gone backward; you are in crisis, and our Monger's love to "help out" in a crisis. Remember, our Monger has good intentions but her messaging sucks.

Getting in touch with your Biggest Fan (that voice of wisdom and kindness) might be too hard right now (remember, this is triage, not treatment), so as much as you can, notice the all or nothing messages of your Monger and try to expand them, add in some space, add in the and. For example, try saying, "I am a hard worker, and I need a break today."

Watch out for the Voice of Self Indulgence (a.k.a the BFF)

Your BFF is a counter to your Monger, but she is also loud. She steps in to give you a break when your Monger is too loud.

Your BFF might be encouraging you to overeat, overdrink, judge other people's reactions, or be super cranky. Again this is triage, not treatment, so getting rid of her is way too hard right now. Give yourself grace and kindness. Simply notice your BFF, and if you can, try to figure out how to hear from your Biggest Fan instead so you can make a more supportive choice again, only if you have the capacity.

Turtling

Heads down, shell on, taking care of yourself and your people; this is what many of my clients are doing. They are talking about being so tired and no longer able to push through or soldier on in the same ways they used to. That is okay. There is no need to be overly productive, take on more, or do something great. Take care of yourself and those you love.

Relay marathon

I have been saying this is a marathon and not a sprint, but earlier this week, I heard the idea that this is a relay marathon, meaning we need to rest, we need to ask for help, we need to rely on other people. I love that idea. I hope it helps you remember that you can rest and you can ask for help.

News: love it or leave it.

I am sure you, too, are hearing the message to ignore the news, but for many of my clients, ignoring the news does not help and actually increases their anxiety. It is okay to watch the news if it helps you feel more prepared and vigilant and be aware when this vigilance becomes too much. Try limiting news to a certain length of time or a certain format (e.g., specific source or modality).

Remember, you are not doing this wrong. There is no right way, and if you rely on old coping skills, that is okay. Those coping skills served you in the past, so of course, you are going to go back to them in a time of trauma. Your mind and body are taking care of you. Be kind.

This Is Triage, Not Treatment

There are all kinds of messages out there about how we should be responding. Some of them helpful, and some of them painful.

My thoughts have been all over the place these past weeks. In many ways, I feel like our dog, Watterson—every few minutes, I am thinking and “squirrel!” I find myself on to the next thought. So to focus myself when I sat down to write this today, I thought, “What is the message I want to hear?” And this is it.

A LOT is coming at us. So much we can’t possibly process it all.

I keep hearing this is the time for the great awakening when we are going to heal the world by staying at home and dropping the hustle, and when this is over, we will come out whole again. Oh, if only it were that simple. If only staying at home could heal all the wounds. First off, this is not a sabbatical or a vacation; this is a scary, terrifying time.

The idea that we will emerge from this more united and full of love is a lot of pressure to handle things differently. Anytime someone refers to this as the world’s great healing time, I want to scream. True healing does not take place in isolation. It is not something you can force on people. True healing requires a desire to heal and going into the messy muck, recognizing all of our old patterns and old coping mechanisms and figuring out new ways to move through them. True healing is freaking hard. It requires safety and security and is not something most of us have the bandwidth for during so much pain and uncertainty.

The macro stress: the news reports, the knowledge that people are suffering and over-whelmed, the financial stress, the vast unknowns, and the sense that no one knows how to best handle this situation.

And then there is the micro stress: our day-to-day lives. Living through one of the most stressful times in our lives and not commuting, running to the movies, going out to dinner, or escaping in our work. We are trapped in our houses with family or friends, along with their coping mechanisms that usually don’t match our own. For example, when my nearest and dearest is stressed, he becomes more passive, sleeps more, and has less motivation, whereas I am the direct opposite with my push push push mentality.

Bottom line: This is a HARD TIME. Understandably, your old anxiety coping skills aren’t working anymore or working for as long anymore.

It is okay to be scared, insecure, anxiety-filled and freaking out.

It is okay if you revert to distraction and binging Netflix rather than feeling all the feelings even though you know that has been helpful in the past, but there are just too many damn feelings right now!

It is okay if you aren’t feeling anxious if you just can’t go there right now.

It is okay if you are filled with grief, mourning your old life, sad about the activities you or your children are missing.

And it is okay if telling yourself this is the great awakening makes you feel better and gives you hope.

What is not okay? Telling yourself, you are doing it wrong or that you should be feeling differently.

This is triage, not treatment, people.

Be kind. Be loyal to yourself and those you love.

All the Feels

The question I keep getting the most is, "Everyone keeps telling me to allow my feelings, but how am I supposed to do that when I have so many!?"

So true. I hear you. So today, I want to share an exercise that I stole from Randall and Beth from This is Us called Worst Case Scenario.

Rather than facing our deepest fears, grief, or doubts, we often run from them. We try to put them in a box, bury them deep inside, and hustle as fast as we can away from them. Or we try to be positive and talk ourselves out of them. This exercise will help you face what you are most afraid of and deal with it.

I started practicing this exercise almost daily as a way to face my feelings and give myself room to just be with my worst-case scenario. Give it a try and see if it works for you.

1. Find a safe place where you can take 5-10 minutes just to be.

I have done this exercise with my spouse (as Beth and Randall do), walking the dog in the morning when there aren't many people around, in the shower, and journaling in my office.

2. Say out loud or write down what is your worst fear.

My older parents will get this virus, my kids will get it, my partner and I will get divorced because we are fighting all the time, the economy won't recover, and we won't have enough money to pay any of our bills. Really go there to the worst fear.

A couple of cautions here: avoid the temptation to pour positivity or gratitude all over it and pay attention to your energy levels. Sometimes clients who practice this give a litany of worst-case scenarios like listing off their grocery list. Instead, think about what it would look like and feel like if the worst case happened. Open the box you have buried deep inside of you and pull all of that stuff out.

3. Sit with those fears for a minute, feel them in your body, and then call in and name what you can do.

How would you handle it if those fears came true? (e.g., I would go work at the grocery store stocking shelves, I would grieve and cry and gather my support system.) Spend some time walking through each scenario and making a rough plan for how you would handle it.

When we have High Functioning Anxiety, we run like hell away from our feelings and worst-case scenarios, so they are underneath the surface at all times. They never actually stay in the box as we want them to—they tend to bubble up and come out.

Many of my clients are reporting nightmares and insomnia, which is one way they express themselves. I know it sounds counter-intuitive but allowing yourself to face those worst fears will relax your need to push-push-push a bit and give your body some groundedness. Remember, we can do hard things.

When Anxiety Is Your First Response

WOW. What a crazy, scary week it has been!

It is a perfect storm for those of us with anxiety:

• Lots of unknowns

• Unable to control just about anything

• Inability to know the "right" answer

• Just plain fear.

All of these factors are our current reality and can send our anxiety through the roof.

Understandably, we are anxious. These are anxious times. We have never experienced a pandemic: a shutdown of our schools, communities, and entertainment.

So today, I want to remind all of us (me included) a few things:

Be kind to yourself. Your Monger will want to run the show, telling you that you should be doing it differently, you should be feeling differently, reacting differently, planning differently. Your Monger will have LOTS of messages.

So make a point of calling in your Biggest Fan:

Acknowledge your fear and disappointment. It is understandable if you are disappointed. Vacations are being canceled, our kid's sports competitions are postponed, and we have a lot more responsibility thrust upon us. You will be disappointed, but that does not mean you are a bad person or selfish—it means you are human!

Slow yourself down. Get into your body, stretch and wiggle, have a dance party in your kitchen. The temptation is to stay in reaction mode all of the time. Watching TV non-stop to stay aware of the news and latest developments. Yes, stay aware, but 24/7 is just not necessary. We get so caught up in our heads with problem-solving and list-making, we forget that we have a body. Remember to take a beat, feel your body, remember you are imperfect and can't possibly know everything.

And then react.

Make plans, make your lists, gather your information.

Resist the temptation to scroll through social media non-stop.

There is only so much information we can take in.

It is hard to have so much stress and unknown going on around us, yet because our schedules have been canceled, there is not much to do. Embracing that fact is hard. So relax and settle yourself as best as possible. Watch movies, hang with your kids, play games, do something you have been really wanting to do, laugh, talk, listen, sleep. Watch movies, hang with your kids, play games, laugh, talk, listen, sleep.

Check-in with your loved ones. Ask for help if you need it. With all of us hunkering down, it is easy to isolate, but we can reach out using technology and check on our loved ones. Remember, you can always ask for help with kids, grocery store runs, or when our anxiety gets too much, and we need to vent.

Listen to your internal wisdom. If you think canceling plans would be best, cancel plans. Others might say you are over-reacting or being paranoid, but you are allowed to react differently. There is no right answer. There is no perfect way to handle this situation. We are all doing our best in the face of unknowns.

Anxiety is understandably the first response, but it doesn't have to be the only response.

We got this. Take care of yourself and your loved ones.

High Functioning Anxiety Vs. Generalized Anxiety Disorder

One of the keys to understanding how to deal with high functioning anxiety is understanding how it’s different from generalized anxiety or what most people think of as “regular” anxiety. 

How you can treat high functioning anxiety and deal with it in your day-to-day life can be very different from someone who has more traditional anxiety symptoms.

If you’ve been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder but it doesn’t feel quite right to you because you don’t have some of the classic symptoms, you may have high functioning anxiety. 

While it’s a type of anxiety, knowing the specifics of what high functioning anxiety is may resonate with you more and help you get more effective treatment for your high functioning anxiety.

Symptoms of Generalized Anxiety Disorder & High Functioning Anxiety

How is high functioning anxiety different from plain old mental health anxiety? This is where the confusion tends to start. The symptoms of anxiety don’t actually differ from high functioning anxiety. Officially, you can get diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder by an anxiety specialist, which has the following symptoms.

• Feeling nervous, irritable, or on edge

• Having a sense of impending danger, panic, or doom

• Having an increased heart rate

• Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation), sweating, and/or trembling

• Feeling weak or tired

• Difficulty concentrating

• Having trouble sleeping

• Experiencing gastrointestinal (GI) problems

You can still experience these symptoms with high functioning anxiety but your response to these symptoms is often very different. How you cope with anxiety is what separates high functioning anxiety from general anxiety—and this is where most people get tripped up about dealing with their anxiety if they’re high functioning.

The signs of high functioning anxiety can help you better pinpoint that your response to anxiety is different than for GAD. If you’ve felt like your anxiety diagnosis wasn’t right, it may be because of the differences in response to symptoms between these two types of anxiety.

Coping with Generalized Anxiety Disorder Versus High Functioning Anxiety

The response to general anxiety is usually living in a constant state of fight or flight, whereas for those with high functioning anxiety, their response 99% of the time is to fight, meaning when they feel anxiety they tend to push harder and hustle more. 

People who do not have high functioning anxiety tend to engage in flight. In many cases, those with generalized anxiety disorder use coping behaviors focused on removing them from anxiety-causing situations:

• Withdraw from life and pull back from the areas that are increasing their anxiety

• Have breakdowns or mentally “shut down”

• Experience phobias to avoid sources of anxiety

• Use obsessive-compulsive behaviors to seek control

Because these are usually very obvious, people around them tend to notice and offer to help, which can help those with generalized anxiety get the help they need.

People with high functioning anxiety, however, deal with their anxiety very differently and often seek to control situations that cause anxiety. Instead of running from anxiety like those with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, they try to fight it by using these kinds of anxiety coping behaviors:

• Seek control by being high achieving

• Have black/white or right/wrong thought processes

• Fixated on milestones, achievements, and productivity

• Will do anything to not let others down

• Focused on routines, habits, and rigidity

• Insomnia, nervous ticks, and physical ailments showing up as flight response

Often we see these habits as good things, especially in the workplace, which can reinforce our anxiety responses. We often don’t see the issues someone with high anxiety is struggling with because they’re predominantly internal. As well, those with high functioning anxiety don’t want to let on that they’re struggling because that may symbolize a lack of control—and it can become an endless cycle.

Treating High Functioning Anxiety Is Different From Generalized Anxiety Disorder 

You don’t have to experience all of these high anxiety symptoms to have high functioning anxiety, just enough to recognize you don’t want to live with high functioning anxiety driving your life anymore. 

Two challenges of treating high functioning anxiety is the shame factor (the idea that you can’t let anyone see your anxiety) coupled with your desire to “do it right” and make everyone happy.

Often in traditional one-on-one coaching sessions with an anxiety coach, clients spend the majority of their session dancing across the surface of their lives or sharing with me how they were doing it right. It makes real change challenging, which is why I started using Voxer with my Coach in Your Pocket clients. 

Voxer is a voice messaging app that allows clients to check in with me in their own time rather than having to come to my office and sit across from me, where their desire to please may start running the show. As a mental health coach, I use Voxer to allow clients to be in the comfort of their own space and share what is really going on.

This type of working with clients is perfect for people with high functioning anxiety and how they are coping with stress and anxiety. It allows us to cut through so many of the coping mechanisms that block traditional therapy and make real genuine progress. 

When You're Feeling Unappreciated

A client recently said to me, "I finally figured out that whenever I am complaining about someone else not giving me what I need, I first have to look and see if I am giving it to myself. And if I am not giving it to myself, I need to start there."

She was sharing how overwhelmed she was feeling and that she repeatedly kept getting frustrated at her husband. Didn't he see how overwhelmed she was?! She just needed him to back off and give her a break! Later she realized how much she wasn't giving herself a break. How hard she was pushing herself and driving herself. Her husband was not the cause of her overwhelm. She was. 

Whenever we begin to notice our frustration with others building, the first place to start is with ourselves.

"I am so tired of not being heard!" 

First, ask yourself: Are you listening to yourself, or are you ignoring your inner voice who is calling for a break?

"I am so tired of no one appreciating what I am doing."

First, ask yourself: Do you appreciate all you are doing, or do you just keep hammering yourself to get more done?

We do it all the time — we look to others to give us what we aren't giving ourselves. We want others to appreciate us, but we don't appreciate ourselves. We want others to listen to us, but we don't listen to ourselves. We want others to love our bodies, but we hate our bodies. We want others to give us a break when the last thing we ever give ourselves is some love and kindness.

And we take it one step further. We take the stuff we are beating ourselves up about and project it on someone else. So we make a gigantic story that someone is disappointed in us when in reality we are disappointed in ourselves.

It reminds me of a story from last summer. I told myself and my husband I would pull the weeds in the backyard, but it never happened. So I kept telling myself what a lazy person I was and how my husband was so disappointed in me that I hadn't done it yet. I thought to myself. I wish he would back off about the gardening. I just haven't gotten to it yet. (Side note: He never mentioned the weeds or the garden.)

As I headed out to the garden, I said to my husband, "I'm finally going out to pull those weeds I promised I would last weekend. Sorry I didn't get to it earlier. I know it has been driving you crazy."

My husband looked at me and said, "What weeds? I didn't even notice you hadn't done it." 

Here I had been beating myself up for days about the weeds, and my Monger had told me what a terrible person I was and how annoyed my husband was at me about it. I had built this huge story in my head that my husband was annoyed about the weeds and was upset that I hadn't pulled them when I said I would do it seven days before. And in reality, he didn't even notice I hadn't done what I said I would.

He wasn't monitoring me or my weed pulling! I WAS.

I was the one who was beating myself up. I was the one who was hammering myself for not following through, for not getting my chores done, for not being true to my word. I put my negative thoughts about myself all over him. It is a sneaky little way our wily Monger shows up in our lives and convinces us we are terrible people.

So the next time you notice yourself thinking, "Ugh, I wish they would...," ask yourself: Am I giving this to myself? Am I treating myself with kindness?

And if you are and you still wish your husband would step in and do more, then lovingly ask. Speak up for yourself and ask the need. When we appreciate all we are and all we are doing, asking for that need comes from a place of kindness and respect rather than bitterness and resentment.

Moving On After a Mistake

One of the themes I regularly hear from my Coach in Your Pocket clients is about making mistakes. We all make them, and we all hear and say wonderful (and yes, sometimes pithy) quotes about the power of mistakes, how mistakes help you learn and grow, and how there would be no mistakes without risk.

Even so, mistakes are still hard. They get our Mongers fired up, they make us feel out of control, and they remind us we are human, which, although obvious, can be a hard thing to admit for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety. All of this can make navigating the aftermath of a mistake challenging.

Life is filled with mistakes: from a wrong turn to marrying the wrong person. Sometimes there is a lot to learn from a mistake, and sometimes the biggest lesson is that we make mistakes, and we need to let go.

Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself rather than getting stuck in blame or right vs. wrong.

1. What am I feeling? 

The tendency is to quickly move into "fixing it" mode, but a huge part of making a mistake is honoring the uncomfortable feelings that come up. Doubt, insecurity, fear, sadness, just to name a few. Give yourself some space to sit in that uncomfortableness for a minute before you move on to the next question. 

2. Is there anything to learn here?

Honestly, look at the situation and name the things you learned (positive and negative). Perhaps it is a failed relationship: What did you learn about the type of people you are compatible with? What did you learn about communication skills? What did you learn about commitment?

3. If I could go back, what would I do differently? Or moving forward, what will I do differently?

Sometimes it is helpful to look at what you could have done to prevent the situation (you know, hindsight being 20/20 and all) and recognize that even though the ending wasn't a win, you still learned a ton. In either case, it is helpful to think about the future and what you will do differently to learn from the mistake.

4. Where was I not being honest with myself? or Where was I not listening to my gut? or Where was I listening to someone else's opinion (aka a "should") rather than my voice?

This happens a lot in relationships, especially. Clients frequently tell me they knew something was wrong before they got married. It happens a lot in careers too. People often tell me they knew their boss wasn't going to work out or they weren't a good fit for the job, but they took it anyway. It is helpful to know where you didn't listen to yourself or where you weren't honest with yourself. Be kind here. This answer is helping you build more self-loyalty; it isn't a right or wrong answer. 

5. What went well?

We often get caught up in the mistake that we forget to acknowledge what went well in the relationship, the job, or the risk. Even if it is just a small mistake, not everything about a mistake is bad. Sometimes we learned how to do it differently or gained insight or learned about ourselves. In every situation, things can go well too, and it is important to acknowledge those things.

Yep, mistakes happen. We all make them. But as the saying goes, it doesn't matter how many mistakes you make; it is the lessons you learn from them. So try.

Make a mistake. 

Feel the disappointment. 

Learn what you can. 

Move forward.

Anxiety Is NOT an Emotion

We all say it, "I feel so anxious." I am guilty of it too. The term anxiety has become a catch-all for a lot of emotions. It is a socially acceptable word for stress, worry, anger, and sadness. We can say "anxiety," and people nod their heads and say, "oh, yes, me too." But no one is dealing with the anxiety.

Anxiety is a state of being. A state of frenzy, heart pains, stomach disorders, and panic attacks. At the root of anxiety are feelings. Scary, raw, vulnerable feelings that most of us don't want to (or don't know how to) feel. We get so caught up in the causes of our anxiety that we lose sight of the feelings under the anxiety, which only makes us more anxious. When we start to get curious about our feelings, we often try to figure out why we feel a certain way rather than what we are feeling.

Let's look at an example:

Sara crawls out of bed and takes a quick shower before she is greeted with three kids, breakfast, packing lunches, coats, gloves, and out the door. She is finally able to catch her breath as she makes her way into work. She says to herself, "Wow, I am really anxious," and her first reaction is why? So she starts listing off all the reasons she is anxious:

• A project deadline at work is looming.

• She fought with her husband last night.

• She and her daughter aren't clicking like they use to.

• Her Mom is getting older, and she is worried about how much longer she can live alone.

Before she knows it, she is feeling more anxious than she was five minutes ago. She says to herself, "Holy sh*t!! You have A LOT going on... You better get to work so you can get it all done." And then her anxiety becomes all about getting to work as quickly as possible, screaming at the car in front of her, and racing up the stairs to work.

And now, let's look at another version of that same scenario:

Sara crawls out of bed and takes a quick shower before she is greeted with three kids, breakfast, packing lunches, coats, gloves, and out the door. She is finally able to catch her breath as she makes her way into work. She says to herself, "Wow, I am really anxious," and she asks herself, "Okay, if anxiety is not a feeling, what am I feeling?"

• Scared that she will miss the deadline and lose her job.

• Frustrated that she doesn't like this work.

• Scared about her marriage.

• Vulnerable around her daughter and her spouse.

• Sad that her daughter is growing up so fast.

• Scared that she might not be able to be a mom of a teenager and an aging mother.

• Sad about her Mom.

• Sad about her father, who died a year ago.

As she drives, she feels her eyes welling up. She takes a few deep breathes, and she says, "Wow, you have a lot going on! There are a lot of emotions swirling around, no wonder you are anxious. It is okay. You got this, just breathe." 

Does she feel less anxious? Yes. Does she feel amazing? No. Does she feel centered, grounded, and based in reality? Hopefully, because that is what anxiety does—it keeps us in such a frenzied state, we don't have to deal with what is happening around us. It can become a comfort, a protective mechanism against the challenging emotions in our lives for those of us with chronic anxiety.

I know when I am frenzied, panicked, moving from thing to thing, and obsessing about everything, it is time to check-in and ask, "What is really going on here?" "What am I really feeling?"

Nine times out of 10, it is anger, fear, sadness, or pain of some sort. Only once I know what is going on and come into my body and breathe can I really start taking action to reduce the state of anxiety.

Stop Shaming Feelings That Cause High Functioning Anxiety

Earlier last week, I found myself spinning with anxiety. When I am struggling with high functioning anxiety, I try to practice the A.S.K. approach: 

• Acknowledge what you are feeling

• Slow down and get into your body

• Kindly pull back to see the big picture

I kept saying to myself, “Ok, you need to practice A.S.K.,” so I would acknowledge my feelings (“I am feeling sad and overwhelmed”), and then I would move on to slowing down and getting into my body, and then kindly pulling back to see the big picture. And it wasn’t working. I wasn’t getting any relief. No matter how many times I tried it.

At the end of the day, I said to my husband, “I don’t know if this A.S.K. thing works anymore! I have gone through it 50 times today and still feel full of anxiety.” 

I shared with my husband that I was feeling sad about the death of Kobe Bryant because he reminds me of my Dad since my Dad loved him and because he reminded me of my mortality. As soon as I shared what I was feeling and why, I heard my Monger say, “Well, that is stupid. I mean, you didn’t even know Kobe Bryant.”

And then I had an ah-ha, “Wait a minute, have I really acknowledged my feelings, or did I just name them?” So again, I tried to name my feelings, and I had another major ah-ha. This time when I named them, I allowed them. 

I said to myself, “It is just hard to feel sad,” and “I feel silly feeling sad for someone I never met,” and “It’s ok to feel sad. It is what it is.”

Tips to Accept Your Feelings and Reduce Anxiety

Yes, earlier in the day, I was naming my feelings. Yes, I was saying them out loud. But what followed was my Monger saying, ‘Well, that’s not appropriate. That is ridiculous. How can you be feeling that way?!” So I wasn’t actually acknowledging and allowing my feelings; I was saying them and then slamming them down with criticism and judgment.

As a mental health professional and anxiety coach, I even have to revisit my own practices. Here were a few things I learned from this ah-ha.

1. Stop dialing it in. I am now so familiar with the A.S.K process that I almost do it without thinking, and that is not the spirit of A.S.K. Had I been more present during the process, I would have caught my self-shaming much earlier.

2. Deprogramming messages around feelings is tough. We all have messages around feelings (most of them negative), and letting those messages go and making room for new ones is hard and takes time.

3. We are always learning, always spiraling up. This is a process, and we aren’t going to get it perfect the first time around.

4. There is a HUGE difference between labeling and allowing. The spirit of acknowledging your feelings is to make room for them and give yourself some kindness and grace around them. Rather than just labeling them so you can then hammer yourself, give yourself room to allow them.

5. Self-loyalty and kindness are key. What I was missing that day was my own self-loyalty. Over and over, I turned away from myself, criticized my feelings, and shamed myself. When I was able to give a little kindness to myself, things started shifting.