Episode 119: The 3 Steps of A.S.K.: Acknowledging Your Feelings
Much of the time when you are feeling anxiety it is tied to feelings you don’t want to feel. In today’s episode, we start our discussion of A.S.K. with the first step of the system: Acknowledge Your Feelings.
Today, we are starting our month-long discussion of A.S.K. with the first step of the system: Acknowledge Your Feelings.
But first, I have a confession: I dislike 3 step self-help systems.
Not because they don’t work but because they overly simplify very nuanced and individualized processes.
This can be challenging for people with High Functioning Anxiety. We love rules. We love a guide–a simple system that we can follow to the exact letter, making everything feel better.
A.S.K.–my very own 3-step system for reducing your anxiety–appears to do that. It seems to offer a simple solution to our struggles with anxiety.
But, as you will hear this month, there is complexity below the surface of this seemly simple solution.
This is why I encourage you to think of the system of A.S.K. as the bare minimum–the basic foundation, from which you can jump off to make this process your own.
After 2 years of teaching these concepts, I wanted to revisit them and expand on what I talked about previously, adding in some fresh tips. Once you have listened to this episode, you can revisit where I have talked about these 3 steps in previous episodes (episodes 72, 73 and 74),
Listen to the full episode to find out:
A basic overview of the 3 steps of A.S.K.
Acknowledge what you are feeling
Slow down and get into your body
Kindly pull back to see the big picture
Some scenarios of the practice of acknowledging your feelings in action
What role self-loyalty plays when acknowledging your feelings
What it looks like when people with High Functioning Anxiety avoid feeling their feelings (are you a brooder of bottler?)
How owning your feelings after years of avoidance and pushing them down takes time
Research and resources mentioned:
Emotional Agility by Dr. Susan David
My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey by Jill Bolte Taylor
+ Read the Transcript
"Feel your feelings. What does that even mean?!"
That was the feedback I got from the guy who groaned as I explained the first step of my system for reducing stress and anxiety during a recent talk I gave.
Feel your feelings. Yeah, I'll admit it: that's a hard one to parse.
For the record, the first step of the process is actually to acknowledge your feelings, but even that is a tough one.
I'm just as tired of being told to "feel my feelings" as the groan guy. Honestly, there was a time when all I wanted was to be able to get through life without my feelings.
Feelings gum up the works. They get in the way. Feelings take nice, solid objective things and turn them into squishy, mushy things--am I right?
And that's exactly why I got into therapy in the first place.
"You're listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith."
I joke that the reason I decided to become a therapist was so I could figure out my feelings and be able to justify them away, and then I would never have to deal with them at all. That strategy did not work for me, which is why I am here today talking about feelings.
But it isn't about 'feeling your feelings' because the groaning guy was right. What does that even mean?!? It is a phrase that has been beaten to death and over-used with no meaning. So in this episode, I am going to share what I would say to all those people who would audibly groan if I said, it all starts with Acknowledging your Feelings.
In December, we talked about the 3 characters that play in our minds the Monger (inner critic), the B.F.F. (the voice of false self-compassion), and the Biggest Fan (the voice of kindness and wisdom) when we hear our Monger talking and berating us or our B.F.F. judging other people or sabotaging us. The goal is to bring in the voice of Biggest Fan. All this month, we will be talking about HOW to do that. We will be diving deeper into my 3 step A.S.K. system for calling in the Biggest Fan.
I talked about these three steps in previous episodes, episode 72, 73, and 74, But now, after teaching these concepts for 2 years, I wanted to expand on what I talked about previously and add in some new tips.
First, I have a confession, I dislike 3 step systems. Not because they don't work but because they simplify a very nuanced, individualized process. The challenge is people with High Functioning Anxiety love rules and a guide they can follow exactly to the letter and feel better.
And A.S.K.--my very own 3-step system for reducing your anxiety--appears to do that when in fact, it requires a bit more complexity than it appears on the surface. In fact, for years, I avoided making a system for this very reason, I didn't want to simplify a complex process. So think of A.S.K. as the bare minimum, the basic foundation from which you can jump off of to make this process your own.
Let me define what A.S.K. means.
The A.S.K. system is 1) acknowledge what you're feeling, 2) slow down and get into your body, and 3) kindly pull back to see the big picture.
Let's look at A.S.K. a little deeper.
Acknowledge what you are feeling: When your Monger tries to shame and belittle you, your Biggest Fan acknowledges what you are feeling (e.g., you must be tired, scared, angry, sad, etc.).
Slow down and get into your body: When your Monger tries to speed you up and make everything more intense, your Biggest Fan tries to slow everything down, encouraging you to take a break, pause, breathe, etc.
Kindly pull back to see the big picture: When your Monger just sees doom and gloom and engages in black-and-white thinking, your Biggest Fan sees lots of color. She encourages you to think of different solutions, brainstorm, and see the other colors. Most importantly, your Biggest Fan is kind. We tend to be harsh on ourselves when we are looking for new solutions, so this takes some practice.
Today we are going to spend some time on the first step: Acknowledge your Feelings. Over the next few weeks, we will dive deeper into the other steps.
So, Acknowledge what you are feeling. You might be asking, okay, Nancy, but what do feelings have to do with anxiety? The truth is feelings have A LOT to do with anxiety. In fact, much of the time, when you are feeling anxiety, it is tied to feelings that you are not 'allowing yourself to feel.'
I cannot talk about feelings without pulling back and looking at the bigger issue, which is loyalty to self. Self-loyalty is something I talk A lOT about because people with H.F.A. have a high sense of loyalty to their friends and family, anyone on their inner circle they feel extremely loyal to, they will go to the ends of the earth for their people. Yet when it comes to themselves, they often push aside whatever they are experiencing; people with H.F.A. can push through and ignore discomfort and pain like nobody's business. In fact, being able to push through and soldier on is a point of pride for those of us with H.F.A. it also is a huge reason we struggle with anxiety. This pushing without acknowledging our experience leaves us living a life that is based on surviving the day rather than thriving in the day. A key to this work is building loyalty with ourselves, and that starts with being curious about our experience and acknowledging it.
Here are two different scenarios:
Scenario One:
You wake up in the morning, and you remember a business call with a difficult client you have later that day. You are immediately filled with dread, and your Monger is talking a mile a minute. You tell yourself, "change your thoughts, think positive; it will be fine." And every time the feeling of dread comes up, you tell yourself to change your thoughts and think positive. So all day long, you are pushing the feeling under the surface, ignoring the dread and pretending it isn't here. By the time the phone call comes around, you might be feeling pretty good. In fact, you write at the top of your paper, "You got this! No one can get you down!!" The phone call comes and goes. Although the client was still belittling, and you barely got through it without bursting into tears, you got through it! You did burst into tears afterward and spent the rest of the day bitching about the client and how he is so mean. Your Monger continues to hammer you for feeling weak, and by the end of the night, all you want to do is numb out with a glass of wine, some Oreos, and Netflix.
Things to notice in scenario one: You ignore whatever is coming up for you, there is no self-loyalty, no acknowledging of feelings there is just soldier on, think positive, and get through it. There is a sense that the client knows better, and you are destined to feel like crap anytime you work with this client. In scenario one, you are surviving life. You are moving through life, trying not to get snagged by uncomfortable feelings and white-knuckling it through unpleasant situations. You aren't trying to find a resolution, and you aren't diving any deeper than necessary. This is where many of my clients with H.F.A. live.
Scenario Two:
You wake up in the morning, and you remember a business call later that day. You are immediately filled with dread, and your Monger is talking a mile a minute. Hmm, what's that about, you wonder? And you ask yourself to just label what you are feeling. You are feeling insecure and nervous. You remember that the last time you had this call with this client, it didn't go well, and he was particularly harsh with you. When you arrive at work, you start brainstorming how you can help it go better. You know you are 100% prepared for the meeting, so it isn't your lack of prep it is the client's tone and communication style. You put a post-it note on your computer that says, "He will be harsh. It is not about you," to hopefully remind yourself that it isn't about you. He is just harsh. When you hang up the phone, you don't burst into tears (which is a step up from last time), but you still feel like something was missing. The client was particularly belittling, and the post-it note helped but not enough. On your way home, you kindly re-hash the conversation (meaning you aren't beating yourself up for what went wrong or that you felt uncomfortable, rather you are curious to note when you felt discomfort and what could be done differently next time). You remember it went off the rails when he asked for more details. He is such a detail person, and you just don't think like that. So you decide to ask a co-worker to help you drill down on the details. Maybe that will help for next time? You will be more have better answers, AND the sticky note will remind you it isn't about you.
Things to notice in scenario two: you are being loyal to yourself. First, curiosity is the theme; what am I feeling? What do I do with that? How can I make changes to acknowledge those feelings and do it differently? There is also a sense of fluidity, it isn't about surviving the call, it is about bringing curiosity to the call, being vulnerable, asking for help, and leaning into the discomfort so it can go better. You are more present to the whole situation, you are present to your thoughts, feelings, and actions, and you are present to your client's thoughts, feelings, and actions. You are engaged in your life. You recognize there is no perfect way. This process is trial and error and can get messy. But your overall goal for your life is to be as present and engaged as possible.
Here's the thing. Scenario two is the practice of Acknowledging your feelings. It is simply acknowledging they are there and then asking, okay, is there an action I can take to ease this feeling. Sometimes there isn't. Sometimes you are dealing with things that are out of your control, grief, sadness, change, etc. And in those situations, you are just going to acknowledge the feeling and sit with it in your body. You might ask yourself, what do I need now? Maybe it is to take a walk, or journal or maybe it is to numb. I say this because we have this mystic around acknowledging our feelings that when we do, we will be in this pit of despair, never to come out again.
When it comes to acknowledging our feelings, Dr. Susan David, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School, writes in her book Emotional Agility that there tend to be two types of people: Brooders and Bottlers.
Brooders: They can't let it go. They are flooded by feelings. They tend to keep score of their hurts. Their intention is good. They want to feel happy, so they try to move beyond their negative feelings by thinking through their feelings and experiencing them fully over and over.
Bottlers: Hold it all in, but it usually comes out in other places through misdirected feelings, physical ailments, or numbing. Their intention is good. They want to feel happy, so they try to move beyond their negative feelings by ignoring them and pushing them down.
In my experience, individuals who are overwhelmed by their Monger and struggle with High Functioning Anxiety tend to fall on the Bottlers side of the continuum. They hold it in because they don't want to experience a lot of their negative feelings. They tell themselves the grief is too intense, the regret is too much, and the anger is too strong.
Feelings are messy. They bring up stuff. Stuff we don't want to experience. Here are the patterns that most Bottlers get stuck in.
Stuff it down: We tell ourselves it isn't appropriate to feel that way, so we ignore it, usually followed by some type of Numbing, Soldiering On, or Having a 10 Reaction to a 2 Situation as discussed in the previous chapter.
Analyze it: One of the ways our Monger tricks us into thinking we are "feeling the feeling" is to analyze it. We think we are helping because we are trying to understand ourselves. But when we immediately jump to the why without allowing the feeling, we get stuck in justifying, proving, and defending the feeling, which leads nowhere. Yes, the why is important eventually, but first, we need to acknowledge the feeling and label it without defending it.
Judge it: Based on the why above, we move on to judging if it is okay that we are having the feeling; usually we decide it is not okay, so we circle back up to stuffing it.
Something that REALLY helped me with the feelings piece of the work is the research of Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuroanatomist and author of the New York Times best-selling memoir My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey. She found that our feelings only last 90 seconds. She explains our emotional response like this:
"Once triggered, the chemical released by my brain surges through my body and I have a physiological experience. Within 90 seconds from the initial trigger, the chemical component of my anger has completely dissipated from my blood and my automatic response is over. If, however, I remain angry after those 90 seconds have passed, then it is because I have chosen to let that circuit continue to run."
Feelings are happening all the time. We see someone walking down the street towards us and we feel a certain way. Maybe we feel joyful or fearful. But the feeling only lasts a minute and then poof it is gone. The problem comes in when we judge our feelings, analyze them, and shove them back down because we decide they aren't worthy. When that judgment happens, we end up being punished for our feelings. Not only are we feeling something unpleasant but we're judging ourselves for the unpleasantness and forcing ourselves to feel it for longer than necessary! The messy process is compounded.
If you are a Bottler, this is helpful because you probably choose not to give yourself 90 seconds to feel the feeling. How often do you stop yourself from feeling something? You feel anger, and within 30 seconds, you say to yourself, "You shouldn't feel anger. Be grateful or be positive." So you stop the 90-second process. Later, your husband corrects you in front of a friend, and you go off on him because you are so angry. Holding on to the feeling way too long because we never let it do its thing in our body cuts the feeling at its knees, which leaves us full of anxiety and stress.
For those who are Brooders, this is helpful to know because it reminds you that if you are experiencing anger about a certain event for longer than 90 seconds, it is probably because you choose to keep replaying the event in your brain and triggering the 90-second cycle every time.
Researchers at UCLA found that people have the belief that if they name the feeling they will feel worse. But in additional studies, they found that when we use one or two words to own the feeling, we have less of a biological response. The key is in the labeling.
Many of my clients who are Bottlers live in fear of becoming a Brooder. They think that if they own one of their feelings, that makes them super needy and a wallower. Here's the reality for all you Bottlers out there: the danger of you becoming a Brooder because you start labeling your feelings is highly unlikely. We are less likely to get stuck in the feeling when we label it. We get stuck in the feeling when we start obsessing about the why and justifying if it is okay to have the feeling. That justification often leads to drama and Having a Level 10 Reaction to a Level 2 Situation. When we label the feelings, we allow ourselves the 90 seconds and it is over. That is it. Nothing mysterious or crazy.
Acknowledging your feelings is a process. Owning that you are feeling something after years of pushing it down and avoiding it takes time. So make sure to give yourself a break as you work through this step.
When we have spent our whole lives avoiding our feelings, being able to identify them and label them is like learning a foreign language. In the show notes, I will link to the Feelings Chart that lists feelings and their intensities. Use this as a way to get in touch with what you are feeling.
Whenever I notice my Monger is loud or that low buzz of anxiety is hanging around, I will grab for the feelings sheet and I will name 8-10 feelings. I encourage you to jump around the sheet when you first start labeling your feelings, everything feels like it is a high intensity because you are so uncomfortable with feelings in general, so we only allow for a feeling when it is high intensity. For example, for those of us uncomfortable with anger, we might just be annoyed or upset about something (relatively low intensity) but we have to pump ourselves up and amplify the problem until we are seething because then we can justify the feeling better. There is a big difference between feeling seething and feeling annoyed. Recognizing the intensities and knowing that not all feelings are high intensity is helpful in making us more comfortable with feelings overall.
Just notice your tendency to do hang out in the high intensity emotions and challenge yourself to name as many feelings as possible. By the time you name 8-10 you can really see how the feelings are coming out. For example, with regards to the client call in the scenario earlier you might feel panicky, worthless, embarrassed, unworthy, worried, unsure, intimidated, disappointed, uneasy, insecure. Those feelings included sad, angry, afraid and ashamed, you could even through in relieved and thankful when the call is over.
Acknowledging your feelings is the first step in channeling your Biggest Fan—and one of the hardest. Give yourself lots of time and room with this step. Your Monger is not comfortable with feelings and will give you a lot of pushback. That is okay and to be expected.
As you hear your Monger chatting, practice A.S.K. Acknowledge that this process is uncomfortable.
Own that it is stretching you.
Label that it makes you want to crawl out of your skin. Our Monger loves to distract us from the truth in our life. The more you can acknowledge what is really going on, the better you will feel.
If you don’t do it, who will? If you’re not hustling, pushing, and keeping it all together yourself, nothing will get done.
Look, you don’t need me to tell you that. You tell yourself every day. There’s that voice inside your head constantly pushing you to do more, be more, and get closer to perfect.
And there are all the people--your family, friends, and random people on the street--who congratulate you on how productive you are.
Mixed messages, am I right?
I know I’m right because I’ve dealt with high-functioning anxiety too. I know what it’s like to relish the accolades that come your way one minute and shame yourself for being so tired and overwhelmed the next.
And, I’ve been working with women like you living with hidden anxiety every day for over 20 years as a coach and counselor.
I wrote The Happier Approach to give you a framework for dealing with your anxiety and start living happier.
The Happier Approach will help you understand the voices in your head and what to do with them. It’s not another woo-woo self-help book that asks you to think positively and live your best life. It’s a practical guidebook for getting out of survival mode and finding a genuinely happy and productive life.
Know someone who has High Functioning Anxiety and a VERY LOUD Monger. The Happier Approach makes a great gift.
Find The Happier Approach on Amazon, Audible, or Barnes & Noble!