Episode 106: The Benefits Of High Functioning Anxiety Are Destroying You
The benefits of High Functioning Anxiety are the things you’ve accomplished, the accolades you’ve won, and the praise you receive from the outside world for being so with it. While we appear to have everything under control at the end of the day, what we really crave––a sense of calm and ease––is still painfully out of reach.
To your family, friends, and coworkers, you’re the one who always has it together. You look out for all the details, attend all the meetings, make sure the bills get paid and plan the next vacation to Disney.
On the inside, you’re wondering if you're the only one who cares or is even capable of getting things done.
If you don't do this, no one else will.
Everything you have, you have because you were willing to be the one who went the extra mile.
Except...
Living and thinking this way isn't sustainable. This level of control and anxiety is negatively affecting your relationships and your health, both mentally and physically.
And it doesn't have to be this way.
Yes, we are the ones taking care of business and yes on the outside, those of us with High Functioning Anxiety appear calm, focused, and on top of it.
But this isn’t what’s going on inside. Inside we are stressed, angry, and resentful that no one else cares as much as we do.
The challenge is that we are hooked. The benefits of High Functioning Anxiety are the things you’ve accomplished, the accolades you’ve won, and the praise you receive from the outside world for being so with it. We live off of this.
This can’t last. While we appear to have everything under control at the end of the day, what we really crave––a sense of calm and ease––is still painfully out of reach.
Listen to the full episode to find out:
Making time to center ourselves so we are prepared for the chaos of the day
Creating boundaries so that work doesn’t encroach upon our personal lives
How to slow down and be present so we can more thoroughly engage and enjoy our daily lives
A.S.K.:
Acknowledging what you are feeling
Slowing down and getting into your body
And Kindly pulling back to see the bigger picture
And how learning to know our values and live with intention while being kind to ourselves can help our anxiety from taking over.
+ Read the Transcript
But I get so much done. The more stressed I am, the more productive I am.
I don’t want to let anyone down. They are counting on me.
Those are all common phrases of people with High Functioning Anxiety. The challenge with HFA is the benefits, the praise you receive from the outside world for being so together and accomplishing so much.
“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”
Today, I want to share the day in the life of Abby.
Hi, I’m Abby!
Abby deals with High Functioning Anxiety. To the outside world, she looks and behaves very differently than her internal world. We will get to see both her inside and outside world.
My alarm goes off at 5am. It was not a good night’s sleep--I kept running through my to-do list and figuring out how I’m going to tackle it all.
I throw on the workout clothes that I laid out last night. I hop on the treadmill and let the news blather on in my earbuds while my brain continues to work through my to-do list--the project at work, my youngest’s upcoming birthday, and--of course--Thanksgiving right around the corner.
Meanwhile, Abby surprises her with some much-needed coffee--but instead of being grateful, she’s just startled.
Ack! You scared me!
He mumbles something about never being able to win and leaves the room. After a quick post-run shower, she’s in the kitchen, helping the kids prepare their breakfast and lunches. The usual morning chaos:
I help my kids with some last-minute prep for tests, make sure backpacks are organized and sign some permission slips. But I can barely concentrate on the task at hand because I’m also worrying about the conversation I have to have with an employee today.
Her oldest is complaining of stomach pains and is spinning out about her Spanish test at school. She asked Abby to check her homework 3 times last night and is constantly worrying about being perfect. Abby can see herself in her daughter and adds that to her list of worries, passing on her own anxiety.
They all pile into the car, she drops the kids off at school, and then Abby heads to work.
Like usual, I’m the first to arrive at the office, so I head straight to the break room and start the office coffeemaker so I can start in on my second pot for the day.
She doesn’t know how she would do it without coffee. Abby’s boss walks by her office and compliments her on her drive, and asks if she has time for a last-minute meeting.
“Of course!”
Abby says with a smile, she can move some stuff around to make it work. And then she remembers…
I have to leave on time today or I won’t make it to my son’s soccer game and I promised him I would be there.
Her head starts pounding and she slugs down some aspirin and dives into her email. She chases the aspirin with coffee and a couple of antacids for good measure. It is such a catch-22 she needs the coffee after being up most of the night but her stomach is killing her!
At lunch, Abby is so nervous about her conversation with Sarah that she eats 3 pieces of pizza and 2 donuts. Now her stomach is even more upset! She calls Sarah into her office and worries that Sarah will think she is a raving Bitch for talking to her.
Hey, Sarah--I noticed some balls got dropped this week. I know stuff happens but the truth is that these mistakes have been impacting the other people on the team.
Sarah explains all that she has going on and that she is so overwhelmed and Abby gives her some strategies for planning her time better. Sarah leaves the office smiling and Abby hopes it helps her performance in the future--but at the same time, she can’t help worrying that Sarah really didn’t understand the seriousness of her lack of performance..
After Sarah leaves, it takes Abby almost 2 hours to focus on work because she just keeps replaying the conversation over and over.
The last-minute meeting with Abby’s boss goes long and Abby is going to have to take work home if she wants to make it to the soccer game. Her boss apologizes, but Abby is quick to reply:
“No problem, thanks for including me! I am excited about this new project!”
On the way to the soccer game, Abby is driving like a crazy person. She curses out the person in front of her for going too slow and lays on the horn if they are a second slow at the light. She makes it 3 minutes ahead of her GPS. At the soccer game, mentally she spends the time re-hashing the meeting with her boss:
Why did I agree to that new project!? When is am I going to have the time for that?!?
After the game, Sandy reminds Abby that her husband signed up to bring the snacks to the Saturday tournament.
“Sure thing! No problem!”
As soon as she gets in the car she calls her husband to yell at him for agreeing to bring snacks, it is the youngest’s birthday on Saturday!!
“We don’t have time to juggle all of this!!!”
At home it is after 7 pm Abby heats up leftovers…
Thank god for leftovers!
...and calls the kids down to eat. They share their day, and the kids head back to their rooms to wrap up homework. Abby and her husband head to the TV room to enjoy a glass of wine and relax.
Abby’s daughter breaks out into tears she is so stressed about her Spanish test and keeps obsessing over every answer. Abby helps her with some breathing techniques she learned and tries to calm her as best she can. Abby can so relate to her daughter.
I hate seeing the pain in her eyes. I hate how stressed out she is all the time. I just want her to be able to relax.
As Abby and her husband settle in to relax, Abby fills her wine glass for the 3rd time and pulls out her computer. Really, her husband sighs, this is the 3rd night in a row you have worked.
“I know… I hate it but I have to get this report done before next week and I am so behind. I promise I will be 100% focused on family this weekend.”
Abby turns out the lights and checks on all the kids before she crawls into bed next to her husband. It has been a long day but she is grateful for her life.
Abby is a little more buzzed than she wants to be, but lately, unless she is drinking she can’t fall asleep her brain is just too active. She crawls into bed and wills herself to sleep. She does her usual go through her mental to-do list and writes on the pad next to her all the things she doesn’t want to forget. She takes 3 deep breaths and tries to relax. Hoping sleep will come easier than other nights. Tomorrow she does it all again.
Does any of this sound familiar? High Functioning Anxiety is so challenging because there is an external persona and internal anxiety. HFA is more than just being busy or keeping up appearances. HFA is a constant worry, pushing of yourself to do more, achieve more and be the best. On the outside you appear calm, focused, on top of it and on the inside (and to those who know you) you are stressed, angry, dealing with headaches, stomach aches and a constant feeling of dread.
Let’s run through Abby’s story one more time with strategies in place to deal with her HFA.
The alarm goes off at 5:00 am Abby jumps out of bed. As her feet hit the floor she does a quick stretch and takes 3 deep breaths, she is trying to ease into her day. As she hops on the treadmill she puts on a show she loves and reminds herself:
This is my time.
As her mind keeps jumping to her to-do list she brings it back to the present. When her husband surprises her with coffee, she is startled but then starts to laugh...
Oh coffee! Thank you so much!
…She startles so easy and how cool that he brought her coffee, she gives him a kiss and he heads back upstairs to wake the kids.
Abby feels the water on her and smells the soap in the shower. She runs through her to-do list and reminds herself to do one task at a time. She gets caught up in the morning chaos but is able to settle herself in the car on the way to work singing along to her favorite song.
At work, Abby makes the coffee but decides to skip it for herself. Abby’s boss walks by her office and compliments her on her drive and asks if she has time for a last-minute meeting:
“Of course! But I might have to leave early for my son’s soccer game.”
No problem he says.
At lunch, Abby goes for a walk around the block and picks up her favorite sandwich. She sits in the park near her work and makes a plan for her conversation with Sarah later that day.
I’m feeling anxious and uncomfortable--but that’s okay, it’s normal. I’m going to let myself feel that way--and still rock this conversation.
Before the conversation, Abby does a full-body wiggle to remind herself she has a body, she gets so caught up in her brain! Abby and Sarah make a plan to improve her performance, they set goals and guidelines and agree to meet in 2 weeks to see the progress. After the meeting, Abby gives herself a high five!
PHEW! That went much better than I thought!!
Abby ducks out of the last-minute meeting early:
“Thanks for including me! I’m excited about helping out with this project as I have the capacity--but for now, I’ve got a soccer game to get to!
And she drives to her son’s soccer game. She wants to speed but reminds herself to slow down and take it easy. At the game, she so badly wants to check her phone and catch up on some emails but she keeps herself focused on her son’s game and his 2 goals!. When Sandy, reminds Abby that they are responsible for a snack she asks:
Hey, would it be possible to switch with someone else? My youngest’s birthday party is that day and I want to help--but it’ll be better for everyone if I bring snacks a different day.
Sandy says she will send her an email of the other parents she can ask to switch with.
At home, during dinner, everyone goes around the table and says one thing that went well and one thing that didn’t during the day:
I had to have a tough conversation with a team member today--but it went really well! Those things are never easy but I’m getting more comfortable being uncomfortable.
After dinner, Abby sets the alarm on her phone for 30 minutes she just has some last-minute work to do and she knows if she doesn’t set the alarm it will go on forever. Abby’s daughter comes downstairs in tears she can’t sleep because of her anxiety. Abby encourages her to share what she is feeling and they both get on the floor and do some stretches to get out of their heads and into their bodies.
Remember, nothing is as important as your health. I know we can handle this together whatever happens.
Abby decides she is going to find someone for her daughter to talk to and maybe herself too, this anxiety stuff has gone on too long.
She pours herself a glass of wine (her first for the night) and sits down next to her husband on the couch, he turns off the TV and they share their days. She gives him a hard time for signing up for a snack and he agrees to email the other parents to find someone to switch with. Abby heads up to bed earlier than usual, she is excited to read her new book. She leaves her phone in the kitchen and goes through her bedtime ritual before crawling into bed.
High Functioning Anxiety is something we have to develop coping skills around. These coping skills work best when we practice them throughout the day, not just when we are feeling anxious. I use the acronym ASK to remind myself to Acknowledge what I am feeling, like Abby acknowledged her doubt and insecurity before her meeting with her employee, Slowing down and getting into your body, as Abby slowed herself down repeatedly during the day, stopping the rush rush rush rush, actually feeling the soap and water in the shower, taking a walk at lunch, doing one task at a time taking breaks throughout the day to remind yourself you actually have a body and finally Kindly pull back to see the big picture doing one task at a time taking breaks throughout the day to remind yourself you actually have a body and finally Kindly pull back to see the big picture, recognizing what is most important to you and making decisions around that. As Abby did when she picked her son’s soccer game over the last minute work meeting. Knowing your values and living with intention while being kind to yourself can help our anxiety from taking over.
Anxiety is hard-wired into our systems, and even though it is rewarded by our culture it is NOT healthy. It can do serious damage to our health both mentally and physically.
Can you relate to Abby’s secret life?
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