Embrace the Mess--Holding Both

The biggest (and at times, hardest) lesson I have learned is life isn't black and white. Life is a big, colorful mess. Life is full of emotions, thoughts, and needs, few of which we can put neatly in a box or precisely label. In fact, sometimes, two opposite extremes are usually true: you love your partner, AND you are frustrated with him/her. You support your child in playing a sport, AND you are worried about his/her safety. You like your job, AND you are having a bad day. You are sad your parents are getting older, AND you enjoy every moment you spend with them. We have opposite extremes all the time--a friend of mine calls it 'holding both.' We are holding two extremes of being happy and sad or frustrated and thankful.

When we embrace the concept of 'holding both,' we can fully experience life. I have a client I will call her Sara who recently lost her mother to cancer. When she first came to see me, her mother had just been diagnosed. 

Throughout the process of her mom's death, which was relatively quick, I encouraged her to hold both--to express her sadness at losing her mom and feeling the gratitude of the moments when she and her mom laughed and shared. After her mom had died, Sara said that if she hadn't had the concept of holding both, she would have missed many special moments with her mom.

Examples of holding both happen all the time in our day to day lives: 

• being frustrated at a co-worker and understanding why they messed up,

• being sad about a loss of a job and relieved that you didn't get it,

• being angry at your partner and sympathetic at the same time.

Frequently we try to squelch one of the feelings because it doesn't fit into a black and white world, or it isn't logical. Well, my friend, life is not logical. Life is messy, full of contrasts and conflicts; it is rich in color. Be curious and supportive of all your emotions, all the many colors you experience in your life! 

It Starts with A Good Night Sleep

I am going back to basics. Get your sleep. We are all busy people, jobs, kids, relationships, hobbies, TV shows, lots of stuff we have to do with our time. Unfortunately, in our culture, getting your sleep is not something we value. Sleep is the first thing to go. We stay up late reading, watching TV, working, cleaning, who knows what.

Getting your sleep is invaluable. It allows your mind and body to regroup. It gives your body a chance to rejuvenate for the next day. Sleep is not something that just happens; we cannot expect our bodies to go go go all day right up to the moment we lay our heads on the pillow and then expect to get a good nights sleep. We need rituals and quiet around sleeping.

Most importantly, we need to start valuing it. For many of my friends who all have busy lives, it becomes a competition on who needs the least amount of sleep. Dr. Rubin Naiman has done some studies about the importance of sleep and is a well-known expert on its benefits.

I have a chronically sleep-deprived client--she has three children and a spouse and works full time. She walks into our sessions (no matter what time) with her large coffee and bags under her eyes. We have been talking about self-care and getting sleep for many sessions now. Finally, a few weeks ago, she said, you know what? I just don't value sleep; I have too many things I would rather get done. So I challenged her that IF she got more sleep, she would accomplish more, and her life would be richer. She did not believe me but accepted the challenge.

Ideally, I would have had her take three nights to get as much sleep as she needs. To allow her to go to sleep at the same time each night and wake up naturally, without an alarm. This would enable her body to reset and allow her to figure out how much sleep she needed. However, being the mother of 3 children and working full time, she did not have the time for that activity. We agreed she would go to sleep at the same time each night (at least within an hour of the same time) and try to get between 7-8 hours a night for two weeks. When she came back in, she was not carrying a coffee, and the bags had dissipated. She was smiling from ear to ear and said, you were right--I haven't felt this good in years. I can focus at work and be present with my kids. I am not obsessed with thinking about how exhausted I am or how to wake up or drinking coffee. She said she was amazed at the amount of time she uses to think about sleep!

I am pleased to report--she has continued to keep up her sleep habits. She and her husband have established a ritual around going to sleep, and once the kids go to bed, they dim the lights, fix a hot beverage, and start winding down to get ready for sleep. She said just having the lights dimmed and knowing that it is quiet time has helped her body ease into sleep. In the past, once the kids went to bed, she shifted into high gear: working on the computer, cleaning the house, running from activity to activity. Now she might engage in the same activities, but at a slower, less intense pace, and she has committed to herself that at 10 pm, she will be preparing for bed.

Sleep is about commitment, it is about rituals, and it will help you live happier.

Shutting Off the Negative Voice

Last night I was having dinner with one of my best friends, and we were doing the usual processing/venting/ sharing of our lives. We hadn't had time to get together for a while, so there was MUCH to catch up on. As we were talking, a common theme developed, which was the way we talk to ourselves. As my friend said, isn't it amazing I would never talk to you that way, yet I talk to myself like that all the time.

It is true--that little tiny voice in the back of our heads comes out and can just hammer us "you aren't good enough, thin enough, efficient enough, caring enough, tough enough, organized enough on and on and on." And if we aren't aware of it, that voice can quietly mutter all day long how terrible, weak, and pathetic we are until the mutter becomes like a megaphone, and we just believe everything it says. We would NEVER talk to our friends or our loved ones that way, yet frequently we allow it to just hang out in our brain, beating us down.

Fortunately, my voice over the years has gotten quieter. I can remember there was a time when I would feel like I was living with cameras in my house. Everything was up for criticism: how late I slept, how clean my house was, how I chose to spend my time, how I looked, what I wore, who I talked to etc. I have become more aware of her and try to catch her before she gains too much influence. However, this week, my little voice has been out in full force, hammering away. I heard her talking earlier in the week and tried to shut her down, but I didn't focus on her until last night at dinner. As I expressed how I felt and what I thought my friend was able to say, "whoa, what's up with that negativity?" and I realized WOW--that little voice has gained some serious momentum. What had started as maybe a 'helpful' hint or two had ended up being a full-blown attack on my self-esteem.

There are 1000 theories as to why we have that voice; some say it is our ego, or fear, or just a negative voice. I am not here to debate why it is here; I am here to decrease some of her power. So as with anything, it starts with awareness. We have to be aware of that little voice and the fact that she is talking smack. At first, we might not notice her until we are talking to someone and we start using her language, or maybe we notice how we physically feel. I usually notice her because I feel more on edge. I am more snappish with my friends/significant others because I feel defensive and hostile. I notice I am more insecure, more scared, more irritable. For you, those feelings might be different--the key is to figure out what they are. When your voice is talking to you, do you get sad? Scared? Angry? Feel tension in your neck? Your stomach? All those things will help you bring awareness to her. Once you know she is there; you can call her out. I just speak right to her and let her know I am done listening, and for a time, she quiets down.

Sometimes your awareness comes later--like me this week--she had been going all week long, and I had just let her run amuck. So today, I decided I need to take some action. I sat down, and I wrote two lists: one, all the things in my life I am grateful for, and two, all the things I love about myself and my life. WOW, what a great list! It was long and lovely. I just sat there reading in all the wonderful things I have in my life, and I immediately felt better, and the monster that had been pecking at me all week lost her power.

My challenge to you: start noticing that voice. Unfortunately, we can't get rid of the voice forever, it comes back from time to time, so you have to be vigilant. Pay attention to how you feel when you hear her. Don't let her run around in your head unchecked. Call her out. Sit her down and show her who's in charge here.

I'll Be Happy When Syndrome

It is a common struggle to say to ourselves, "I will be happy when (fill in the blank),"

• When the kids sleep through the night.

• When I am in a relationship.

• When I lose 30 lbs.

• When I have a baby.

• When I own a house.

• When I love my job.

• When I retire.

• When I am on vacation.

The list can go on and on and on. I often joke that when you are single, everyone asks when you will find someone? Once you find that special someone, the question is, when are you getting married? Then when are you having a child? And then when are you going to have another? It is a dangerous trap always to be looking to the future for happiness. The temptation to plan for the future is all around us. If we aren't happy now, then there is always the future.

It is my belief, as with everything in the world, it is about balance. I write this post. I can be in the now, noticing my dog is curled up next to me on her cozy fresh out of the laundry bed while also planning for the future, making marketing plans for the next 12 months. Both of those are important. It is important to have dreams and look towards the future but not at the expense of the present.

Frequently clients come into my office so focused on what they don't have and are stuck in 'all be happy when' syndrome that they miss their children growing or the joy they get from their friends, or the happiness they find in their job. One of my first roles as a therapist is to help someone engage in their present while making the necessary changes for their future. Sometimes we have to LOOK to find the joys in our lives, and sometimes they are pretty small. I guarantee they are out there. Even if it is noticing the change of seasons, enjoying a good cup of coffee, laughing with a friend, smiling at your children, small joys are everywhere and pull us out of the "I'll be Happy When Syndrome."

The ironic thing is many times, when the "When" happens; it brings other problems. When we find a relationship, we have to learn how to be in a relationship. When we have a child, we have to learn how to raise a child. When we get the dream job, we have to learn how to do it. Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet in life; there is no magical "When." We won't necessarily be happier WHEN something happens. The key is to strive for our future, have goals/purpose, AND enjoy your present. Don't miss out on the joys and happiness you have right now in your search for the "When."

Name Your Values

This weekend a friend of mine and I were watching the movie City Slickers. In the movie, Billy Crystal and his friends have gone on a vacation to a ranch to drive cattle. While there, he meets an old cowboy named Curly (Jack Palance). My favorite scene in the movie is when Billy and Jack are talking about the meaning of life. 

"You know what the secret to life is?" Jack asks, and he holds up his finger. 

Billy says, "Your finger?" 

 "No one thing, once you figure that out, nothing else matters (he said it a little more cowboyesque, so I edited it) Jack says,

Billy says, "What's the one thing?"

"That's what you have to figure out." Jack says

I remember seeing that clip in the theater and thinking ONE THING?!?! That is just too hard to come up with one thing!

We need to figure out what our thing is, whether that be one thing or five things. I do believe we need to limit it at some point just for the sake of focus. Once we figure out our top five things, then we can direct our lives and our life decisions around those five things. For me, the easiest way to do this is to look at our top five values. When we are aware of our values, we have a core place to come from when making life choices. Here are a few examples: Let's say you value family, and that is in your top 5 values, then you will make decisions that allow you to support/spend more time with your family.

If you value social change, you will make everyday choices that inspire social change through the clothes you wear, the websites you go to, the products you use, etc. If you value creativity, you probably engage in activities that feed your artistic side, whether drawing, painting, idea developing, or writing. The glitch comes when we value something, but we aren't making choices around it. For example, you value family, but you are working all the time, so you miss important family events. Or you value creativity, but you never give yourself time to engage in artistic activities. 

I believe--as Curly did in the movie City Slickers when we come up with our one thing (or 5), it makes it easier to focus on what's essential in our lives. Therefore the small everyday choices or the big life decisions become easier because we can always go back to the question of what do I value? When we are living from our values--we are living happier.

Letting Go of Guilt

Guilt fascinates me. It is such a powerful emotion, yet it serves no purpose. When we feel guilty, we aren't helping anyone, and we aren't accomplishing anything. We are just spinning our wheels. We justify actions (or non-actions) by feeling guilty about them.

For example, I have a client who wants to add working out into her life. About a month ago, she decided that morning was the best time to work out. She set her alarm an hour earlier so she could get up and go for a walk. However, she found that when her alarm would go off, she would hit snooze and then lay in bed for 2-3 minutes, debating getting up and working out. She would tell herself that she was 'fat and lazy for not getting up during this time. Eventually, she would tell herself that she didn't have time for a workout and would either stay in bed beating herself up and feeling guilty, or she would fall into a restless sleep.

I gave my client the assignment for one week to embrace whatever it was she was doing. So if her alarm went off 60 minutes early, she had to decide if she wanted to get up and work out OR if she wanted to sleep in. The catch was she COULD NOT lay in bed and debate it or feel guilty. She had to make a decision immediately and then follow through. If she decided to work out, she had to get up and work out, and if she decided to sleep, she had to sleep in and enjoy it. She couldn't just lay there as she had done in the past and spend the 60 minutes beating herself up for not working out. She either had to truly enjoy the 60 extra minutes of sleep or get up and work out.

She came back a week later and said that it was amazing how different her choices were. She was starting to learn to listen to herself and make intentional decisions. It wasn't that she got up every morning and worked out. Instead, she paid attention to herself, and when she needed more sleep, she let herself sleep in for 60 extra minutes, and when she wanted to work out but was just reluctant to do so, she pulled herself out of bed and took a walk. She realized that her decisions became more deliberate, and she started to let go of the guilt and the "shoulds." She started to live her life, spending her time intentionally and not unconsciously. (Actually, after a couple of weeks with this exercise, she realized that the morning wasn't the best time for her to add a workout routine, and she decided to add it in at lunchtime.)

Let's say that the kitchen needs to be cleaned, but there is a good show on TV. You have to decide: Do I want to clean the kitchen? Do I want to watch and enjoy the TV show? Do I want to record the TV show so I can watch it later? Because it is no longer an option to watch the TV show and not enjoy it because you feel guilty about not cleaning the kitchen.

Try it--I know it will make a big difference in your life!