Episode 050: Live Happier Through the Holidays Part 6: Renewal

Part 6 of 6 Living Happier Through the Holidays: Renewal

Links Mentioned:

Elizabeth Gilbert Happiness Jar

Values Handout

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Hey there. I'm so excited to have you here. We are here for the last episode of the Live Happier Through The Holidays series, and we are talking about renewal because it is the last week of the year; oh my gosh, 2016 is almost behind us. That's just so amazing. So we are talking about resolutions and renewal and what we're going to do next as 2017 looms here right in front of us. I want to touch with you about resolutions because I hate resolutions.

I think it's wonderful that we have this natural time, that we're reflecting on our lives, and we're figuring out what we're going to do differently and how we're going to change. But in reality, January 1st is no more magical than January 15th, or March 30th, or April 7th. If all of us could pledge, as our resolutions, that each day we're going to show up and be present, true, and intentional, and have grace and compassion as we move through our day, to ourselves and to those around us, oh my gosh, the world would be such an amazing place. That's resolutions.

That's REAL change. So, the huge resolutions we have of, "I'm going to lose 50 pounds," or, "I'm going to find a new job," or, "I'm going to get out of this crappy relationship," or, "I'm going to meet the man of my dreams," or whatever it is. These huge resolutions that we force ourselves to make come January 1st just sets us up for failure. So, I hear you if you want to lose weight, or you want to find the love of your life, or you want to get out of a crappy relationship, I hear you.

But my challenge to you, as you are looking at this new 2017, is, what are the baby steps you're willing to take to do that? So when we get on these crazy diets that limit us and we take ourselves all the way down, that we're going to go gluten-free, and sugar-free, and alcohol-free. That's not realistic because come January 9th, when we're ready to kill someone because we have no sugar, and no wine, and no gluten, it's unrealistic. So, what do you want to start cutting out of your life, or adding into your life, to make it better and more compassionate?

So maybe you want to start eating more vegetables, that's your resolution, that you're going to eat more fruits and vegetables. And when you start eating more fruits and vegetables, you're going to pay attention to how your body feels when it gets fruits and vegetables, and it'll feel better, I guarantee it. So part of the downfall of resolutions, and part of the reason they don't work, is we make these huge, large, sweeping, ginormous plans for ourselves. And the reason we do that is it's a lot easier to say, "I'm going to lose 50 pounds," than it is to be intentional and break that down to be like, "How am I going to lose 50 pounds? How am I going to face it come January 9th when I have not eaten any sugar for nine days, and I'm ready to kill someone, and I have learned that my whole life up to this point, that I eat my feelings. And so right now, that I've taken away sugar, I'm ready to flip out."

How are we going to handle that? That's the baby step. How are you going to start, if you want to lose weight, how are you going to cut out the emotional eating? What are you going to do when you're out to dinner on a date night with your spouse, and you guys normally split a bottle of wine, and it's just all these empty calories, and you want to change that. How are you going to do that in those little tiny moments? And that's what I challenge you to look at this week. When you're thinking of resolutions, how am I going to show up for my life in little tiny ways?

And I have an exercise that I will include in the show notes; click on this episode 50. I will have a values exercise there where you can get clear on what your priorities are. What are your values that you want more than anything in 2017, and how can you start living your life based on those? So I encourage you to do the values exercise and then go back and say, "Okay, based on my values, what do I want to change for 2017? What are the little baby steps I wanted to make in 2017?"

I'm also going to steal an idea from Elizabeth Gilbert, and she talks about the happiness jar that she does, and I'll put a link to that in the show notes as well. And happiness jar, it's simply a jar that you have that you can decorate with your kids, or decorate yourself, that you have in a prominent place in your house, where you fill it with all the little things throughout the year that have made you happy. From huge, big trips you might take to little tiny incidences that happen throughout the year that have made you happy. And this is a great way to start building intention in your life and noticing the things that help drive you along and make you happy. Happiness is another thing that we want big, sweeping changes around happiness. We say I'm going to be happy as if it's going to be this level that once we attain, we will always have, and it doesn't work that way.

Happiness is something that comes and goes, and it moves through us. And so, we need to be intentional about seeing the happiness in our lives. We can see the happiness in our lives when we show up for it. And so that means showing up for the sadness in our lives, as well as the happiness in our lives. And the more we can show up for everything, the more we will live happier, and the more we will attain that piece of happiness. So I encourage you to look at that link on the happiness jar because I think that is a wonderful resolution to start and a great way of bringing intentional happiness.

And then the last tip I have for this week of the final week of 2016, and I know tomorrow is the 31st, so I really, we just have one more day, but tomorrow, part of the ritual I encourage to do is a burning bowl exercise. There is a link to that above. A burning bowl exercise, if you don't know what that is, is just a fire, you can have a fire in a bowl, or you can put a fire in your backyard. I don't care. But then to write down the specific things you want to either let go of, that you want to leave behind in 2016, kind of that symbolism of, these are the things that I'm going to let go of. And then also, what are the things you want to add to your life in 2017? So what are the little things?

You know, it might be things you want to let go of, and it might be things you want to add. So to give yourself the symbolism of burning that stuff is so powerful. So to write down, "What do I want to let go of and burn up?" and put on a piece of paper and burn it. And "What are the things I want to add to my life?" and put that on a piece of paper and burn it up and let it go out into the universe. I encourage you, if you do exercise, to be specific on what the things are.

A lot of times, again, like resolutions, people say I'm going to burn all of my people-pleasing. So I'm going to leave people-pleasing in 2016. Okay, that's not going to happen. The burning is symbolic. It's not magical. But who do you want to stop people-pleasing? Where do you want that specifically? I'm going to stop people-pleasing at work, or I'm going to stop people-pleasing with this co-worker. I'm going to bring attention to how often I people please with my mom, get specific on where is that thing that you want to let go of, where is it showing up in your life, and how can you, in an easy, simple way, let it go. Instead of this big, broad, huge, sweeping, change, challenge yourself to get specific. To get intentional about what is it I wanted to leave behind in 2016, and what is it I want to pull forth for 2017?

So that's the show. Thanks for listening to this podcast, and also this whole series on Living Happier Through The Holidays. If you missed any of them, please go back and listen to them, because even though it's the end of the holidays right now, they all pertain to life in general. So, please go back and listen. I can't believe we're at episode 50; that's so awesome that we have done 50 shows here. But, I appreciate you showing up, and I appreciate you listening. I wish you a blessed New Year's Eve, a safe New Year's Eve as well, and a wonderful 2017.

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Episode 049: Live Happier Through the Holidays Part 5: Peace

Part 5 of 6 Living Happier Through the Holidays: Peace

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Welcome. I'm so excited to have you here. This is episode 5 of my Live Happier Through the Holidays series, and we are talking about peace. I wanted to talk about peace this week because tomorrow is Christmas. Oh my gosh, isn't that crazy? It's actually Christmas Eve is tomorrow, and it's also the first day of Hanukkah, or the first night of Hanukkah I guess I should say. We need a lot of peace coming at us this time of the year because we're hitting the climax of the holidays.

These next few days is what it's all about and why we have been so stressed out in the past few weeks. I want to touch on peace because to me that's what the holidays are about, is having peace and finding peace and all of the other stuff that comes with the holidays. This is just my few tips I have for how you can touch into peace and tap into that for your holidays over the next few days.

The first one I'm going to have for is when we spend time with the holidays we spend time with the family, and for some of us that can be very, very far from peaceful. I really want to give you the tip of being curious about your family rather than judgmental. What I mean by that is so many times our families know how to push our buttons most of the time because they've installed the buttons there so they know exactly where to push. I really encourage you to remember the saying which is challenging I realized but it really has helped me so many times, is that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have.

Even though our families might disappoint us, and they might drive us crazy with being passive-aggressive or judgmental, they are doing the best they can with what they have at that time. We may want them to be doing better or differently and they just can't. To remember that saying, but also to remember to be curious. Why, why did they think like that? Why are they acting this way? Why did they feel that way?

It is especially important this year because we are so divided as between families politically with what's happening in our country based on the election, and so there is going to be some arguments I'm sure going back and forth of people that voted differently. To bring to the table curiosity rather than judgment would save some sanity and bring some peace. We're not going to convince everyone to think the way we think, and we're not going to convince everyone to feel the way we feel, but we can be curious and approach it ...

Sometimes I like to approach family as if I am a researcher who's stepping into my family for the first time and observing them as this neutral third-party. Rather than stepping in with all of your buttons right there and all your triggers right there, and just allowing yourself to kind of observe what's happening. Then to remember when you do get triggered which you inevitably will because we all do, to give yourself a break around that. Triggering does happen, we do get upset with our families, and that doesn't make us less of a person or not self-actualized enough, that makes us human.

When that happens, and you find yourself getting triggered by family, take a walk, step back from what's happening. Take a walk, take three deep breaths. Remind yourself, "Does this matter?" In five years from now, or five days from now, will this conversation matter? Will the fact that my stuffing got burned or the mashed potatoes are runny, will that matter in five days?

Giving yourself a chance to step back and take a break when you inevitably get triggered, and when you inevitably get upset with one of your family members because that's going to happen. Peace is the goal, but that doesn't mean it's a state of being all of the time. Give yourself a break, take a walk and take some time to do some deep breathing. One of my favorite breathing exercises is to take three long exhalations and then making them twice as long as your inhalation. When you're taking your breaths to let all that air out. A simple one that you've heard me talk about before too when it comes to meditating in the moment is the five sense meditation.

You can do that while you're sitting there and your uncle is yammering on about something that drives you crazy, you can sit there and go through your five senses. What am I seeing? What am I hearing? What am I feeling? What am I tasting? What am I smelling? The holidays are a great time for the sense and to tap into that. You can do that mediation without anyone even knowing that you're meditating. It's a great way to kind of tune out to what's happening and tune into your senses, to tune into yourself, so that gives you a way to savor more of the holidays.

My last tip is one that may not be possible for every family, but you could do it individually, and that is to make your holiday celebration technology-free. Technology is wonderful, it does give us a break and allows us to kind of disconnect from the world. Sometimes when we're involved in family and overwhelmed by family, it's nice just to scroll through Instagram and see what other people are doing. At the same time, technology also can add more anxiety and stress to the situation.

If you want to make your holiday celebration technology-free, you can put a basket by the front door and have everyone just put their phone in the basket. That forces everyone to connect with each other instead of connecting with their phones and gives that idea of a technology-free holiday celebration. If no one in your family wants to participate in that which I can imagine, there are some families that don't; then it's okay for you just to do that yourself. Keep your phone at home or put your phone in a drawer and turn it off, and make Christmas or Christmas Eve a technology-free time where you're shutting off your phone.

For me, last weekend, my husband and I took last weekend and had our separate holiday celebration just the two of us at home; we had a staycation so to speak. I shut off my phone, I shut off my phone, I shut off my computer; it was a technology-free time, and it allowed me to connect, and stay present and not immediately be jumping on technology or pulling myself out to check email or whatever. It allowed me to stay present. Around the holidays, not much is happening on Christmas ever or Christmas, so it's okay to turn off the phone and just be present, and savor your holiday.

I wish you a very Merry Christmas, a wonderful Happy Hanukkah, whatever it is, happy solstice, whatever it is you're celebrating this time of year and gathering with family to have peace and joy. I wish it to you in spades and lots of abundance. Thank you so much for listening to this podcast, and emailing me and engaging with me. I appreciate it, and I can't imagine doing this without knowing all you people are out there listening and it's just so much fun for me to be here recording and knowing you're engaging out there.

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Episode 048: Live Happier Through the Holidays Part 4: Grief

Part 4 of 6 Living Happier Through the Holidays: Grief

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This is part four of my Live Happier Through the Holidays Series and its grief. We're looking at grief this week so let's get into the show.

This week's theme we're looking at grief as we move through the holidays series, and if you've missed the previous episodes, which have been on priority setting and boundaries and joy, please go back and listen to those previous episodes. This week, we're specifically talking about grief, and I wanted to cover grief in the series because grief and sadness are a big part of the holidays for many people. It's a part that we don't talk about very much because, you know, like last week's episode, it's supposed to be about joy and happiness and, "Yay, it's the holidays."

For many of us, anytime we have that forced merriment, the opposite comes out, and that's grief. The holiday season is tough. It brings up traditions and memories, and we think of loved ones that we've lost. Either maybe we've lost them this year, or we lost them in years passed. We think of holiday traditions that have died or moved on, or we don't do them anymore. The holidays bring up change and grief, and sadness. That pressure of having the Norman Rockwell holiday that many of us don't have because you know it honestly doesn't exist, but we still have the pressure to have it; it brings up some sadness.

My first tip for you in living happier through the holidays with grief is to allow it. Give yourself permission not to be super merry all the time. Last week when we talked about joy, I stressed the importance that joy comes when we're intentional and when we're paying attention and looking for the moments of joy. So often, we push down our grief because we think we should be joyful or we should be happier; we shouldn't be feeling sad when in reality, we already are feeling sad—giving yourself permission to feel, to feel the sadness, to remember the loved one, to say their name, to bring up the memories.

The thing I've learned about grief and feelings is that it comes and goes when we allow ourselves to feel sad. With that idea that it's okay to feel whatever it is you're feeling and to just give yourself permission because when we don't allow it, we push it down, and it becomes harder. It becomes worse because we've pushed down the feelings rather than just allowing them to come up and have that bubbly surface. For me, I know I'm going through my grief. I've talked about my father's illness with dementia and Parkinson's, and it's so challenging to have someone, to watch someone disappear with such a terrible disease.

Someone can ask me, "How is it going with your dad?" I can tap into that grief in a second, and then I tap out of it in a second too. Just because someone asked, "How's your dad?" I may tear up. It doesn't mean the rest of the dinner is ruined because I teared up or I'm going to be in grief the rest of the time. No, when you allow that feeling, you can tap into it and tap back out of it. You move through your feelings. It does feel a bit like a roller coaster, but it also can smooth out and be like, "This is okay that I'm tapping into my grief, and now I'm tapping back out, and I'm going to be joyful."

That is the concept of living happier, that our feelings flow, and when we allow them, it doesn't become this huge spike or trough. It's just, "I'm feeling this right now, and then it's going to go away." The roller coaster of up and down and up and down is gentle and rolling. When we live in the place of I can't feel grief, and we hold ourselves from feeling it, then inevitably, we're going to enter that trough because it's too much to hold back. When we allow our feelings to come and go as they are, they roll around, and it becomes so much more fluid and loose. I encourage you to allow your feelings. I talked a bit about memories and having the memories.

I love the idea of a memory box or a memory stocking where if you've lost someone really important to you, you can write out those memories that you are thinking of when you think of that person around the holidays and then put them in the stocking or put them in that specific box. Then have time during the holidays to take those out and read them and share them with others so you can bring the memories alive and share them with other people so they can learn more about the person you love. It's a great way to bring the family together around someone who's gone and a great way to heal yourself through sharing stories. Then, the reminder that it's okay to skip holiday events.

Back in the previous episodes, I talked about making a plan for your holiday and getting specific about what you want to take part in or not take part in. As we move through the holidays, you may decide that the neighborhood party sounded fun at the beginning of December, but now it doesn't sound really fun. It's okay to skip holiday events or go for an hour and leave because it's just too much. Honor where you are with your grief and sadness and give yourself a break that you don't have to be holly jolly all the time.

Then just a simple tip of moving your body. I know that sounds easy, and a lot of times, when we're in grief and sadness, the last thing we want to do is to get out and move, especially when it's so cold outside. I encourage you to stretch or take a walk or do something that's honoring your body. Same with avoiding all, balancing out cookies and sweets and making sure that you're getting some foods and vegetables in addition to all the fatty foods that we eat around the holidays, and making sure that you're not over drinking because that just brings out more grief and sadness.

Give yourself a little balance and putting your physical health first. Then, finally, I have these two simple things that I want you to do just have in your brain and remember, and one of them is that everyone has a story. My favorite saying is, "Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides." The holidays are ripe for that. We spend a lot of time comparing our insides to everyone else's outsides. We see all these people around us being holly jolly and having a festive time and a wonderful holiday with all their friends, and we aren't feeling that internally. We allow ourselves to get sadder and more stuck in grief because we're in this comparison that isn't accurate.

What we're seeing on everyone's outsides is not the true story. Remind yourself that it isn't accurate to compare your insides to everybody else's outsides, and remember that everyone has a story. Everyone is suffering. Everyone is going through a loss or sadness or grief around this time of year, and so remember you're not alone in whatever it is you're struggling with. There are other people out there that also are struggling, and that's okay. Then, the final tip is embracing the do-over. A lot of times, when we're in sadness and grief, we get stuck in, we beat ourselves up for doing it wrong or not having the right response or feeling sad or whatever but allowing yourself to embrace the do-over means you can go back and say you're sorry.

You can go back and be like, "I wish I would have been able to come to that party, but I just couldn't do it," or, "I wish I would have said such and such, but I just didn't, and I apologize." Embrace that you can go back and do it repeatedly and say what you wanted to say, and not everything needs to be done perfectly right out the front door. You can take some time to embrace that do-over. Mostly, I just wish you a lot of grace and compassion for yourself around this time of year and going through the grief and the sadness and experiencing everything, the grief, the sadness, the joy, the holly jolliness of the holidays.

Give yourself permission to experience all that the holidays offer, which is joy and sadness and peace and sorrow and the whole thing. Every gamut of emotions is what this holiday brings up. Giving yourself the permission to ride that role that happens in life and allowing it to be, because when we do that, we don't get stuck in all of the drama and conflict because we're avoiding our emotions, so we throw them up on other people. When we allow ourselves to feel sad, when we're feeling sad, then we don't push it away and then yell at the dog because they did something wrong when it was that we were sad.

Give yourself permission to just be wherever you are and give yourself a lot of grace and compassion around it.

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Episode 047: Live Happier Through the Holidays Part 3 Joy

Part 3 of 6 Living Happier Through the Holidays: Joy

Links Mentioned:

Send a Handwritten Letter: MoreLoveLetters.com

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Hey there! I'm so happy to have you here. I'm on the third part of my Live Happier Through the Holidays series. If you've missed episodes one and two, you can go back and listen to episodes 45 and 46. They're not in any particular order; it's just each week, I have a different theme. This week we're getting into joy, and I think that joy is a crux of the holidays. It's something that we want to be feeling throughout the holidays. Unfortunately, we don't always feel joy. I'll be talking more about that in the upcoming episodes, but we're concentrating on joy this week.

Everyone says to me, "I want to be feeling more joyful, and I want to feel happier." To feel joy and to feel happiness, we need to be intentional. Every single day we need to be intentional. Not just looking for gratitude or looking to be positive, but, intentionally, trying to find joy in our lives. I have some ideas that I'm going to throw at you, but I also want you thinking, as you move through this week, where do you find your joy? What are the things you do that give you joy? What're the ideas and places where you can add more joy to your life?

Here are some of the ideas that bring me joy and bring people I know joy and might be a place for you to tap into the joy of the holidays. My first one is, throwing a dance party. I love to dance, personally. It's my thing. Often we think we have to have some big event, a wedding, or a party, or someplace to be dancing. You can dance in your kitchen. You can dance in your living room. Put on some Christmas music or just regular old dance music and throw a dance party. Grab your kids or your cat or your husband or whoever and let out some fun and joyfulness of dancing. Just throw yourself a dance party.

Along those same lines is the idea of planning a family game night or a silly movie night. We need to be intentional about gathering our family around us. We are all busy and running from thing to thing. Planning ahead of time, we are going to be doing this event and having this time. We always have these ideas of stuff we want to do around the holidays, but we never really make a plan. We talked about that in the first week of really being intentional. This week we're implementing that plan. What is some of the stuff you want to do that brings you joy? For me, I want this year to be about enjoying some of the Christmas lights. Our zoo does a big wild lights event. I want to go to that this year. I want to walk along our downtown riverfront and enjoy the lights. To get Christmassy and embrace that holiday period with my spouse and enjoy being outside and be in that moment.

It's not just about planning the event. It's about being present in the moment when we plan the event. We may decide, "Oh. I want to go look at Christmas lights." Then, we go to look at the Christmas lights, and we're so busy thinking about how many gifts we still need to buy that we're not present to the Christmas lights. That's hard to find joy when you're not present. If you decide to do a family game night or a silly movie night, or a Christmas movie night, to be present at that time where everyone's gathered around and your laughing and being joyous, that's where joy comes from. One of the pieces we miss about joy is we're not present to joy. We are always, in our heads, onto the next thing or onto the drama that's taking place around the table. We're not present to our joy.

Another idea for adding more joy into your life is making a date with someone who brings you joy—spending time and being intentional about finding that person. Maybe it's your spouse (hopefully, if you have a spouse, they bring you joy), maybe it's your kids or your aunt or a relative or your best friend. I don't care. A co-worker. It doesn't matter. Make a date with someone who brings you joy and savor time with them. Get a cup of coffee or a cup of hot chocolate. Look at Christmas lights or go out to dinner. It doesn't matter, but be intentional and make a date with someone who brings you joy. That's such an easy one. We miss these opportunities for joy. To be savoring that time with that person.

My next tip in bringing joy is to write a handwritten letter. You take some time, again, we're into that savoring and write a handwritten letter to someone. You could write to a service person. You could write to a friend or a co-worker, your mom or your dad, letting them know how much you care about them or even if this person isn't even around anymore. If they're gone, and you're missing them during the holidays. Writing a letter to them, letting them know how much you miss them, can tap into that grief, but it can also tap into the joy of the memories of having that person around.

In the show notes above, I'm also going to be including a link to a wonderful website called moreloveletters.com. Every day they have a story of someone who needs a handwritten letter and then the address of where you can send that letter. This is a brilliant idea to bring more joy into someone's life, simply by writing a letter. Check out the show notes, and you can find a link to this moreloveletters.com program, which is amazing and a wonderful way of bringing in more joy.

My final tip, which is really about dealing with stress, sometimes joy is hard to come by when we're running from thing to thing to thing, and we're having a hard time staying in the moment. For me, letting out a big sigh, just one big deep sigh, allows me to release some stress. It allows me to be present. I find myself, during the holidays, letting out a lot more deep sighs than other times, which is fine. Just allowing your body to completely relax and letting out that deep sigh gives our bodies some more oxygen and a chance to regroup and a chance to tap into that joy. Letting out a sigh is my weekly ritual challenge for the week of joy, but it's a way for you to tap into, "How can I be more joyful?" One of those ways is recognizing when you're stressed and taking a counteractive measure to that.

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Episode 046: Live Happier Through the Holidays Part 2

Part 2 of 6 Living Happier Through the Holidays: Managing Your Energy and Boundary Setting

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Each week throughout the holiday season, I'm going to be releasing a podcast. This is episode two of my Live Happier Through the Holidays series. If you missed episode one, flip on back to episode 45, and you can listen to Live Happier Through the Holidays: Setting Priorities. I'm just going to be helping you figure out ways to live happier through the holidays.

This week's theme is energy and boundaries. This is such an important theme because managing your energy is important during the holidays. If you listened last week, we talked about making a plan, communicating, and figuring out what you want and need for your holidays. Even if you make a plan, there will be stuff in that plan you don't want to be doing. There's going to be stuff in that plan that drains you. All of us have a glass of energy that we walk around with all day long, and there are activities that we engage in that add energy to the glass, and there are activities that we engage in that drain us. It is our job to make sure that our glasses aren't bone dry. For most of us, we walk around with bone-dry glasses, especially during the holidays. When we have to go to a party or do a work function that we're dreading, and we know it will drain us, it's important that we then add something back into our lives that fill us back up so that we don't live in this perpetual state of drained energy. "Okay, Wednesday I'm going to the work party, so that means Thursday I need to do something that's going to add back into my life. I'm going to make sure that I have a fun activity with my family, where I can add some energy back in." Making sure that you are looking at your energy flow and managing that throughout the holiday season.

Now I want to talk about boundaries because setting boundaries is important in the holiday season. We talk a lot about setting boundaries, how important it is, speaking up for yourself, and talking about what you need. Still, it's hard in life to set boundaries because it makes us uncomfortable. Because many of us want to make everyone happy, we don't want to disappoint anyone. The problem with that is, it's impossible. We're going to make people mad at us; people aren't going always to love us. That is the myth that we tell ourselves, that if we do everything right or say yes to everything, people will love us. I want to give us a couple of things to think about when you're moving through your holidays, when you're going through your week and your life as well, to paying attention to how you're viewing stuff.

One of them is, you can't make everyone happy. It's okay to disappoint people, and that's an important one to remember. A lot of us think, "Oh, if I say no to that party, then the host is going to be disappointed." Yeah, they might be disappointed for a period. They might be disappointed all afternoon, and that's okay. It's okay to disappoint people. We don't have to make everyone happy, so it's okay for you to say no to a party, and it's okay for the host to be disappointed that you're not coming. Both are fine. We don't need to step in and make sure everyone feels okay. Remind yourself; it's okay to disappoint people.

Another one that I found helpful is the idea that saying no is a form of self-care. When we can say no to someone, when we can tell them, "Yeah, I can't do that or I can't come to that party. I need to blank. I'm just overwhelmed." We don't even have to give them a reason, but if we did to say, "I'm overwhelmed. I have too much going on. My glass is empty. I need to add more into my life, to my energy pool," and saying no is a way to do that. It's a form of self-care, so reminding yourself that you are taking care of yourself by limiting all the activities you're engaging in.

You don't have to justify, prove, or defend, or as a client added, atone for any decision you make. Any time you say no to someone, you don't have to justify why you said no. You don't have to make it up later or atone for it. If you say no to the neighbors Christmas party, you don't have to explain why or defend your reason, and you don't have to make sure you suck up to her in some great loving way because you're atoning for the fact you said no. When you say no clearly and succinctly, then she can be disappointed, and you can move on. When we muddy it all up with justifying, and defending it, and atoning it, it just makes it muddy, versus making it clear that, "You know what? I can't go to that party." That's okay. You don't have to go to every party. As I said, it's okay for the host to be disappointed. Both are valid, and it's okay.

For a lot of us, the holidays are about giving: giving gifts, giving of ourselves, giving to charity, giving to other people. I want to throw in the reminder that giving to the point of resentment isn't giving. When we are giving, and we're keeping score, or we're resentful, or we're bitter, or we're mad, or we're angry at whoever it is that we're giving to, that's not true giving. To monitor yourself when you are resentful about going to a party or resentful about giving gifts once again at the family Christmas party, to remind yourself resentment isn't giving. How can I get creative and come up with a different way of doing that?

This brings me to the last point I have: getting creative. It doesn't always have to be a yes or no. If you want to go to the neighbors Christmas party and your husband doesn't drive separately; you can leave early. If you don't want to do the whole big family, extended family, Christmas gift exchange that is just crazy and you hardly know each other, and it's just way too much money, figure out a way around it. Maybe it's a white elephant gift; maybe it's giving to charities in each other's names; maybe it's doing random acts of kindness for each other. Getting creative and thinking out of the box on the activities that you are resentful around is a great way to set some boundaries in a fun, creative way. I can make some changes to how we do the holidays without making some super blunt, "No, I'm not doing that," rigid boundaries. I can get creative, and I can make myself happy, and the other people around me happy too, and that's what it's all about. The whole time you're going to be managing your energy and checking out how full your glass is.

The question I want to leave you with is, as you move through the holidays and get ready to get moving, as here we are on December 2nd, where do you need to say no? Where is it you need to say no to parties, to gifts, to Secret Santa events, to singing carols, to whatever? Where is it that you can get creative and start thinking outside of the box? Because you recognize saying no is a form of self-care, and you need to make sure you're paying attention to how full your glass is.

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Episode 045: Live Happier Through the Holidays Part 1

Part 1 of 6 Living Happier Through the Holidays: Setting Priorities.

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Hey, everyone, I'm so excited to be here. I will be doing something a little different for the next five episodes than I normally do in. What's going to happen is every week for the next five weeks, I'm going to be putting out a podcast on Fridays that will give you the theme for that week and some tips on how you can live happier through the holidays. This first week is setting priorities.

This week we're going to be talking about setting priorities. The reason I wanted to start with that is that we're starting the holidays. Often, we're rushing into the holidays, and they're here before we know it. I want to set some time aside to slow down and ask ourselves a couple of key questions, so if you can grab a piece of paper, that's awesome. If you're in the car, just make some mental notes of how you want your holidays to feel. It's an odd question. I'm going to ask you a couple of questions so if this question doesn't fit, you can move on to the next one, but how do you want this holiday to feel?

I had one person call me, and she said, "I want this holiday to feel magical," and I know exactly what that means. For each of us we have a different feeling. I want this holiday to be content, or I want this holiday to be peaceful; I want this holiday to be grounded. I want this holiday to be happy. I want this holiday to be memorable. Whatever, how do you want your holiday to feel is one of the first questions. Once we can figure out how we want it to feel then, we can set our priorities around that feeling. That's the first question.

The second question I'm going to ask you is, what is your absolute no list? This is asking you to get clear on what are the things you are not willing to do? For some people, it's like, "I don't want to bake cookies," or, "I don't want to go to the large neighborhood party that has 500 people at it." "I don't want to make gifts for anybody, or, "I don't want to buy gifts for people," or, "I don't want to go caroling." I don't know, whatever it is for you. We all have things that we think we should do, so this is getting to the heart of that. What is your absolute no list, and what is your absolute yes list to that same degree?

That third question is, what is your absolute yes list? What are you willing to do at all costs? What do you want to do? Maybe it's going caroling in your neighborhood or making your famous fudge bars, or doing cookie cutouts with your kids, or maybe it is the Christmas tree and decorating that or watching your favorite movies. Whatever that is, what is your absolute yes list?

Then, the last question I'm going to ask you is a little harder, what is it you need this holiday season? This is a challenging time. There are so many expectations and so much pressure on us of how we should be feeling, so we're forced to feel joyful and merry. Instead, we might be sad, we might be missing someone, we might be going through a tough time. All of that gets heightened this time of year.

What are your needs? What do you need to make this holiday special? Maybe you need more time. Maybe you need more time with your husband. Maybe you need more family time, or you need more social time. "I need a break, or I need more space," but we're craving social time. To make and bargain out our list of where we're going to set our priorities, we need to be clear on the importance of the level of the need.

Then, the last thing is not a question, but it's the plan, and that is for you to set a plan. Who do you need to chat with about your priorities for Christmas, for the holidays, for Hanukkah, for Solstice, for whatever it is you celebrate? Who do you need to chat with about your plan? Do you need to chat with your mother-in-law and figure out how Christmas Eve will go down? Do you need to chat with your mother to figure it out, or your father, brother, or sister-in-law? Who do you need to be chatting with to get it laid out and figured out?

So many times, we have all these expectations of what the holiday is, but we're not communicating with each other on what those expectations are. In making that plan, I want you to figure out who you need to sit down with. I bet in your immediate family. It needs to be your partner, husband, wife, and kids; you need to be including them. If you have grown children, are they coming home for the holidays? Are they planning on hanging out with their friends? What are their expectations? Getting some of the stuff hammered out at the beginning of the month can make the rest of the month so much better. We need to figure out these answers because the holidays are coming whether we like it or not. When we bury our heads in the sand, it increases our stress, and I'm all about reducing our stress.

The main way to do that around the holidays is to communicate. When you are clear and answered the question, how do you want this holiday to feel? You have answered your absolute no list, your absolute yes list, and what are your needs? You can then set your priorities. You can meet with those in your immediate family and figure out, "Okay, what's our plan going to be? What are our priorities? What's most important to us? What's this holiday going to look like?" Then you can branch that out to talking to your mother-in-law, your sister-in-law, or whoever it is that you need to be making plans with—talking to the neighbors, RSVPing to the events. Now you'll know what the plan is to start implementing that, which can help you reduce your stress.

Usually, I do a weekly ritual challenge. For these next five episodes, I'm not going to be doing that as much because the whole podcast is the weekly ritual challenge. I want this whole week you to be sitting down and doing an action plan for your holidays. Getting clear on what it is you want your holidays to look like and how they're going to come alive for you in a way that fits what you feel, what you need, what's most important to you.

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Episode 044: Holding Both the Messy Middle

A few thoughts on the election. Doesn't matter who you voted for, we all need a reminder that the key to healing lies in embracing the messy middle.

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Hello, there. Welcome to the podcast. It is the Friday after election day, and I knew I wanted to do a podcast this week; and it has been a crazy week, as most of you are experiencing with the election. So I was trying to come up with what I wanted to talk about for this podcast because the nation and people I know and everyone are reeling from this election in various ways. Whether you voted for Trump or Hillary, people are just feeling this election more strongly than in the past.

I kept coming back to my struggle. My struggle this week is how do you do both? How do I hold my sadness? To be blunt, I voted for Hillary. How do I hold my sadness and grief that the election didn't go the way I wanted, the country isn't headed, in the direction I want it to go? How do I hold that, and how do I keep moving forward as the person I want to be? Who is compassionate and curious. And also wanting to know about the people in my life who voted for Trump and believe the country is headed in a positive direction with him?

Here we are, holding these two extremely different roles, and I think even if you voted for Trump and you won the election, and you might be blissed out about that, it's still coming back and trying to be, how do we heal this country? How do we heal each other and listen to each other and be open, instead of just sitting in this gloriousness of, yay, I won, or, oh, I'm so sad I lost? That messy middle. Honestly, that's what I keep coming back to because living happier is all about being honest and intentional about that messy middle.

Right now, that's where we are. As a country, we're here. As individuals, we're here. We're all kind of like, what comes next? The counter to that is living in a place of blame, shame, ridicule, making fun of, demonizing, and other-ing people. What's happening now on both sides? The Hillary supporters blame the Trump supporters, and the Trump supporters blame the Hillary supporters for not making it better. We're all just sitting in this place of other and blame and shame.

I wanted to talk today about the concept of holding both. Holding both is that I can be sad and upset about the results of this election, and I can walk into the world with compassion and love. I can be doing both of those. I can be celebrating that Trump won and being kind and considerate and curious about those around me who picked Hillary. I can be doing both of those. I can stretch myself to be doing both.

So often in life, we don't want to do both because it's messy. We'd rather just sit in our happiness and our joy that Trump won. We'd rather sit in our pain and our sorrow. And live in the blame and shame. Or live in the joy, and the bliss of "We won. We won," rather than sitting with the "Wow, this is a messy situation." The problem with the whole election is that it's a messy situation, and both candidates were messy. No one was talking about the tough problems here and the hard solutions we need as a country, and this stuff is not going to be fixed easily.

"There is no magic button" is one of my favorite quotes because there is no magic button. In our lives and our quests for happiness and joy and being authentic and intentional, there is no magic button. In the country's problems of trade and immigration and job loss and taxes and racism, all of that messy stuff, there is no magic button for that stuff.

One of my Monger things to do is to beat myself up because my life is small, and my message is about healing the individual instead of working on a more significant social justice issue. But I keep coming back to, if we could heal ourselves, we can heal the world. If we can show up individually and be kind and generous and compassionate, we can reach out across the aisle, as they say. We can reach out to those around us and get to know them. The world is not absolutes, and right now, we are living in a world of absolutes. If I am a Trump supporter, that means one stereotype. If I am a Hillary supporter, that means other stereotypes. We are not our stereotypes. We are so much deeper and complex than that.

Not only when we're looking at others do we need to be aware of that complexity and depth, but when we're looking at ourselves, we need to be aware of that complexity and depth. I can say I voted for Hillary, and there are things on Trump's platform that I agreed with. We have a messy middle. Until we start looking at that messy middle and embracing that depth and complexity and the fact that there is no magic button, we start holding both, which means holding that messy part. Holding the idea that I want one direction for the country, and the country is going in another direction right now. That I am sad, and I want to be compassionate and kind.

Both of those are very true. We can be holding two completely opposed ideas simultaneously. When we can start stretching ourselves and practicing that idea of really pushing to two separate areas, we can live happier. It doesn't matter if we voted for Trump or Hillary or if we like vanilla or chocolate ice cream; these things are preferences that are dividing us. So instead of having the curiosity of what that means, let's start having a conversation about what that means for you.

Yesterday, I had a client in my office, and it was two days after the election. I was still feeling pretty bruised, and she was a Trump supporter. We had an awesome conversation about what that means, and what it meant for me, and how she'd struggled in the past with different candidates. It was a juicy, complex conversation between two women who strongly believed in their candidates, strongly loved this country, and wanted to have compassion and kindness. Those are the conversations that need to be happening all over the place. Be curious and understanding and practice holding both. I can talk to you and listen to you and understand where you're coming from because I've taken the time to have empathy and compassion.

It's not just about get out there and love the world. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying we need to be taking care of ourselves and honoring where we're coming from, and we need to be compassionate with ourselves, with other people, with those around us. That can mean saying, you know what? I can't talk about this right now. I can't have this conversation. This is too much for me. I'm going to get off Facebook. I'm going to get off social media for a while. I'm going to get off the news for a while. All those things are valid.

We need to be taking care of ourselves, and then we need to be reaching out to those around us, and in a larger context, trying to heal ourselves and other people. The only way we can do that is if we start embracing the mess and holding both. Holding those two completely different sides of the world and figuring out how to reconcile that.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Name 5 Things You Are Grateful For

This is a repeat of one I've done in the past, but it is a good one to implement. What are the five things I'm most grateful for? Just to remind myself that the world isn't all terrible, back to that black and white thinking, and there are things every day that I'm grateful for that stretch me. I do this ritual before I go to sleep each night. I try to, anyway, to look back on my day and just name the five things I'm grateful for. It's a great way to end the day. A great way to fall asleep. A great way to review the day. I encourage you to practice this week naming five things you're grateful for.

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Episode 043: You Don't Have to Blow it All Up

When life gets challenging the temptation is to blow it all up and start over.  Real change happens when we change the foundation of our lives rather than just re-arranging the clouds.

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Today I want to talk about the idea that you don't have to blow it all up. I am talking about making changes in your life. There are sweeping generalizations that we need to live these big, bold lives, make major statements, tell our stories, and show up authentically. So get out there and do big things.

While all that is great and fabulous; whenever I hear a client come into my office and say, you know they're ready to blow it all up, meaning they're ready to leave their husband and move out west, or they're going to quit their job and work for a coffee shop. They have these dreams of doing things completely opposite of what it is they're doing right now. It makes me want to pause and ask what's going on here because when we're trying to make changes, sometimes we convince ourselves it will be easier if we blow it all up.

For example, let's take a crappy marriage. So you're in your marriage, and it's not going so great, and you're struggling. You look at your divorced friends and have gotten through their divorces, and they're living the single life, and you think, I don't have to take care of anyone if I get divorced. It will be so amazing. I'll just have all this time. I just need to get out of this marriage. I'm just going to blow it all up and do my own thing. And yes, that might be true that eventually, once you get through the divorce and the pain of losing a relationship and not having someone in your life and the struggle and all that good stuff, you might get to a place where you only have to take care of yourself, and that would be fantastic.

Then you get to that place, and you're like, oh, now I only have to take care of myself, and this is kind of lonely. I wish I had someone else here to take care of because now I'm just dealing with myself. The saying of wherever you go there you are is one saying that I think of a lot, and that plays out in this, you don't have to blow it all up phrase, in the sense of when you blow it all up, and you leave the marriage, and you get out, and you're by yourself, you're still the person that was in the marriage. If you haven't made any real changes to yourself, then you're just the person that was in the unhappy marriage. Now you're the person that's single and unhappy because although your husband may be causing some of your problems, he's not causing all of them.

When we get in this tendency to blow it all up, it's a place of blame. That it is the job's fault that I'm miserable. It's my husband's fault that I'm miserable. It's where I live fault that I'm miserable. It's that it's cold, and I hate being cold. Although those things do play out, they aren't the sole reason. So if you are looking to make some changes and your temptation is to blow it all up, I want to take you back a little bit to ask simple questions to ask yourself. They're not simple. But what I think are foundational questions to make changes because if you're in a marriage and you're getting ready to divorce. You know you're done, and you decide you want to get divorced, then you need to start making the changes on yourself in the marriage now, even though it's ending. You need to figure out how to do you differently even if the marriage is over because the next relationship you get into if you haven't learned those lessons will be the same.

We repeat until we learn what do I need to change here. The questions I want you to think of if you're thinking of making blowing it all up, and these changes are "What do you value in your life now?" If you look at your relationship, lets stick with that example: What is it you value in your life? What are your life's values, and how is this relationship serving those values? How is this relationship not serving those values?

If the relationship is not serving your values, or you aren't living a life based on your values, what changes can you make within the relationship that would get you to practice doing that? Let's say you're in a relationship, and you're miserable. You hate it. One of the things that you value is adventure. But that's not showing up in your life right now. You're stuck in a rut; you're doing the same things over and over again. But you value adventure. The small changes that you can make are to start adding more adventure to your life. Start showing up in different ways in your life, from taking a different way to work to taking a skydiving lesson or taking a trip out west. Trying on that adventure piece that you want to try while you're in the relationship. Not waiting for when the relationship gets blown up, then I'll do all these great big things because it's easier to do all these little changes that you want to make within the relationship.

If you want to add more adventure to your life, and your thinking, oh, it's because this job is miserable and I hate my job. I bet if you added more adventure to your life, the job wouldn't be so miserable. Maybe still be miserable. You might still need to leave. But it wouldn't be as miserable.

Being able to tweak your life in these little tiny ways is adds to the changes that we may be seeking in our lives. The first question is, what do you value? The second question is, what do you need? What do you need out of your life? You can look at your values and then play them out. Just say okay, I value adventure, so I need to take more risks in my life. Or I value connection, so I need to work on my friendships. Or I value human touch, so I need to work on the way to find that. I need to ask for that more, or I need to get massages more. Or I need to do something where my husband hugs me, and I implement a let's hug each other every morning. Or something along those lines. These small little changes sometimes can seem insurmountable, and that is why we tend to want to blow it all up.

If I blow it all up, then I don't have to deal with these little tiny individual little changes because you know what happens when we start making these little tiny individual changes? Our inner critic chimes in. When the inner critic chimes in, it's like, why are you doing this different, this won't work? This is so silly. Why are we taking this skydiving? This is so silly. That is the real work. Dealing with that little voice as you make small changes in your life, that's when you start making radical changes. Because when you can stand up to your inner critic and quiet your inner critic as you start living a life that's more intentional, authentic, a life with integrity. The more you start doing that, the more your inner critic's going to chime in a. Then the more you can learn strategies to deal with that, so when there comes a time, and you have to make a major change in your life, you will have better strategies for dealing with those little tiny shifts that happen.

The first question is asking what do you value? The second question is asking what do you need? And then the third question is, where do I need to show up? What am I avoiding? Am I avoiding asking for something? Am I avoiding conflict? Am I avoiding showing up for myself? Am I avoiding someone else? So often, when we have this tendency that we want to blow it all up, we're not showing up. We think if I just make this big sweeping decision, then everything will be better. But, unfortunately, that usually isn't the case because we need to show up for our own lives. We need to show up with integrity and ask for what we need and live by our values, and make those choices, day in and day out, all the time.

One of the biggest things I hear is, and I'll use my husband and me as examples a lot in some stories that I tell, and people will say, "Oh my gosh, I wish I had your husband," or "I wish I had your relationship like you're so lucky." I am very blessed to have the relationship that I have, and we show up every day, or most days. We make little tiny decisions every day to be intentional, ask for what we need, call each other out when we're not present, and live by our values. Those little tiny shifts in how can I show up today? How can I be living by my values? How can I ask for what I need? That's when we make real changes in life. That's when stuff shifts for us.

Yes, the idea of living authentically and being, you know I call it, living in the clouds like I'm going to make all these changes down here and up here, I'm going to make all these changes up here, and life's going to be great. No. It doesn't happen. We need to be making the bedrock changes. The changes in our foundation and those changes come by asking ourselves what do I value? What do I need? Where do I need to show up in my life? What am I avoiding? What am I not asking for? What can I do today to be more intentional, live with more integrity, and be present? How can I show up?

I do this a lot in my life. I'll get stressed, or I'll get, you know. And I'll think, oh my gosh, I'm just going to blow it all up. I'm going to move, you know we're going to travel around the country, we're going to get in an RV, and we're just going to blow it all up. Then I ask myself, where do you need to show up? What are you avoiding here? Nine times out of ten, I'm not showing up for life. I'm skating through. I'm a zombie. I'm just going through the motions.

When I can bring myself back to, okay, what changes do I need to make? Where do I need to show up? Where can I start paying attention more? It clicks, and those shifts start happening. I encourage you to start looking at your day-to-day life and where you can show up more. I swear it will change the way you shift everything. When we start shifting the bedrock of our lives, rather than rearranging the clouds, it gets better because we start shifting stuff, and we are living happier. I promise. Try it. Let me know how it goes.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: The Taillight Challenge

This week's ritual is called the taillight challenge. I heard about this when I was in a meditation conference that I took a couple of weeks ago. When you are tuck in traffic to look at the taillights in front of you. Take a few deep breaths, relax and breathe and just watch the changing lights of the taillights in front of you. The beauty of this challenge is you can do it when you are in traffic, which is when we're most stressed. It's a great way to focus down on what's happening at the moment and just take some breaths and relax. Get some little mindfulness through the day. Take a break. Check out some tail lights.

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Episode 042: Tips for Channeling Your Biggest Fan

I have received some questions about how to channel your Biggest Fan...today I answer them (or at least begin the conversation).

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So, let's get to talking about today's podcast topic, which is channeling your Biggest Fan. The term the Biggest Fan comes from a couple of episodes ago. In episode 37, I talked about quieting your inner critic. The key point of that is channeling your Biggest Fan. I've gotten some e-mails and a couple of phone calls from people asking, "Okay, I need some help. How do I do this Biggest Fan thing? I get the idea; I just don't know how to do it."

I want to start by doing a quick refresher on what I mean by your Biggest Fan. The Biggest Fan, as I said, is something I use in dealing with the inner critic. We all have countless voices playing in our heads all day, but we have three voices for the most part. One of them is our inner critic or Monger. It's constantly telling us how terrible we are and how much improvement we need, etc., etc.

The other voice is our best friend voice. That's usually the voice we're encouraged to channel when working on self-compassion or liking ourselves. We're encouraged to channel that loving, kind, best friend voice. What I've found in my work is that sometimes that the best friend's voice also gets us in trouble in a different way.

What we need to do is start channeling our Biggest Fan. I'll give you a quick example of this. I had a client recently who wanted to start getting up earlier in the morning. She is retired, and she wants to start her day earlier, not sleep in, but get going. Her Monger voice, when her alarm goes off, says, "Get out of bed, you lazy idiot. Get moving." Her best friend's voice says, "No, sweetheart, stay in bed. It's so cozy and warm, and you're retired, and you deserve this." Her Biggest Fan voice says, "Come on, if we get out of bed, we can get a lot done today. We can go for a walk and do all of the stuff you want to do. You're worth it, so get out of bed. We can enjoy it and have our coffee before we have to head to our next appointment. We really can enjoy getting up."

That Biggest Fan voice is the voice in the middle there. It runs the middle ground. It's kind and compassionate, has our best interest at heart, and wants us to keep moving forward. It's not the best friend voice because a lot of times, the best friend voice can also be the same voice that says, "Go ahead. Have that extra glass of wine. Go ahead. Have that extra cookie". It's the Biggest Fan voice that is the one saying, "Really, if we have another glass of wine, we're going to be hungover tomorrow, or you're just going to get silly if you have another glass of wine. Let's pay attention to what's best for us right now."

Our Biggest Fan has our back and wants us to do what's best for us. But, for those who have lived in an inner critic world, where the inner critic is constantly hammering us, this channeling the Biggest Fan is a new idea. What would my Biggest Fan even say to me? How does this even work? What does that voice even sound like?

Some tips I have for channeling the Biggest Fan, one is to just on a neutral day when nothing's happening, and you're not getting accosted by your inner critic, challenge yourself to come up with what would my Biggest Fan say right now? You can journal those or say those out loud. Do that at a time when you're not getting hammered by your inner critic or your best friend; it's just a neutral kind of day.

Something that worked for me, and this sounds so simple; I think I've talked about it in other podcasts are just signs. People have the What Would Jesus Do bracelets. It is in the same vein, "What would your Biggest Fan say?" Have those posted around your house. You can make it your screen saver on your phone, "What would my Biggest Fan say?" To get your mind thinking of it at random times. A great way of doing that is to set the alarm on your phone at random times. When it dings, the name of the alarm would be What Would My Biggest Fan Say? You can start generating and strengthening that voice. It's not like that voice isn't there, or you don't have a Biggest Fan. We all have a Biggest Fan, but I think for most of us, that voice just gets really, really diminished. It's about channeling the Biggest Fan on-off times.

Another thing I would say is to pay attention to when your inner critic is hammering you. I talked about this last time. You know that warm, cozy sweater effect that our inner critic has on us, making us feel like it's a comfortable sweater that has our back, then it just starts to itch, scratch, and get under our skin. So when you're at that point with the inner critic, where you're just starting to recognize how annoying this inner critic is and how it's showing up and driving you crazy, that's a time for you to start practicing, if you could ease in a little bit of the voice of, "What would my Biggest Fan say right here?"

Start reminding yourself that the inner critic needs some wiggle room there. There can be some. It doesn't have to be hammering us all the time. We choose to listen to that voice. I remember hating when people would say to me, "You're choosing to listen to that voice." I didn't think I was choosing because who wants to listen to the inner critic's voice? The idea of, "I can choose my thoughts, and I am choosing to take the one that is hammering me the hardest and let that one stick around," instead of saying, "You know what, inner critic? I appreciate you showing up today, or I realize you have a message for me, but what would my Biggest Fan say? Let's let her talk for a little bit".

Then, channel your Biggest Fan. Have her speak up and say what she would say. The only way we're going to start getting the Biggest Fan voice to be louder is if we start paying attention to it and allowing it to show up at other times. Whether at times when we're not getting hammered by our inner critic or the neutral times. And then the times when we are getting hammered by our inner critic. So to start paying attention to those times when we're getting hammered by our inner critic, "What would my Biggest Fan say here?" To add some space in there for the other voice to show up. We've got to allow some room in our heads for the Biggest Fan to come there.

Another thing that I just wanted to say that's an aside and something that I did for a long time when it comes to inner critic stuff is I convinced myself that if I was good or if I did it right, then my inner critic wouldn't show up. Back to the client of mine who wants to get up early, in the part of our discussion about her wanting to get up in the morning was the idea that did she want to get up at 7:15 because if she got up at 7:15, then she was doing the right thing. She was a good person, and then her inner critic couldn't hammer her all day long because she got up at 7:15, she did the right thing.

You'll notice if your motivation is that I want to do it right or I'm trying to be good or whatever those mantras are for you, the perfectionism piece, a lot of times we're doing that to stave off the inner critic. It's like, "If I do it right, then my inner critic won't have an argument here. It won't be able to step in." The problem is, your inner critic will always have an argument. If you get up at 7:15 to be a good person, your inner critic will tell you you are bad because you didn't get up at 7:00. Or if you get at 7:15 and to be a good person, your inner critic will tell you you're a bad person because you didn't get up at 7:15 and workout. We're never going to live up to what the inner critic is telling us to do. That's why if our mentality is, "I'm going to be a good person," to keep the inner critic away, it is a losing battle.

The only way you're going to get rid of the inner critic is by really channeling that Biggest Fan. That's just an aside that came up recently, and I wanted to touch on it. I think a lot of us live our lives trying to keep the inner critic at bay. It's never going to be at bay until we directly confront it. Our inner critic will always find a way to tell us that we're doing it wrong. It's its job.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Select Your Way of Channeling a Biggest Fan and Practice.

Pick one of the things that I just suggested as far as dealing with the Biggest Fan and use one of those. Decide if you're going to channel your Biggest Fan when your Monger isn't talking, or decide if you're going to start channeling your Biggest Fan when your inner critic is talking. Try some of the strategies I talked about today and use those throughout the week.

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Episode 041: Your Suffering Isn't Helping

We convince ourselves that suffering is a necessary part of life.  Pain is a part of life; suffering is optional.  Listen and learn how to stop unnecessary suffering.

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Today I want to talk about how we all engage in the act of suffering. Suffering is something that we get because of our inner critics. Our inner critics, or our Monger, as I like to call her because she uses propaganda. Our Monger convinces us that if we're suffering, at least we're doing something. This shows up in big ways and little ways all day long. A big way would be, let's say you're doing a job search. You've lost your job, and so you have to do a job search, and job searching sucks. It's hard to do a job search.

You do it for a little while, and then you decide, okay, I've submitted my resumes, or I've made some phone calls, and I've made some headway this morning. So I'm going to enjoy my afternoon, but the whole afternoon that you've taken off, your Monger is just hammering you and hammering you and hammering you. You convince yourself that's the price you have to pay. That's the price of doing business. I've taken the day off. Therefore, I'm going to get hammered by my Monger because that's the suffering I deserve for not being the perfect person.

It also shows up in little ways. For me, it shows up in, I might be procrastinating on doing a certain task, and so my Monger just starts beating me up for all the procrastination, and I think to myself, well, I'm not doing the task, but I am suffering. This is the cost, the price we pay for not doing whatever we think we should be doing.

The suffering is unnecessary. It's the idea of when you decide, oh, I'm going to get up in the morning, and I'm going to set my alarm, and I'm going to start working out every morning. The alarm goes off, and you're supposed to get up and get dressed and workout, but you hit the snooze alarm. Instead of going back to sleep, you lay there and punish yourself for the fact that you haven't gotten up. You're Monger says you didn't get up, so you're such a loser. You don't go to sleep, and you're not working out. You're just in this weird, limbo, middle area of suffering. The more we can cut out that weird middle area of suffering, the happier we're going to be.

What happens is we have to get in the habit of recognizing this suffering isn't necessary. I don't need to be beating myself up here. I've made the decision I'm going to sleep, so I'm going to sleep. If you can't get back to sleep, you need to get up and go work out or get up and do something. Forcing yourself to suffer is unnecessary, and that's just making ourselves more miserable. We do it all the time.

When I started paying attention to this concept of how often I engage in suffering, it was radical to recognize that I engage in suffering, even from the idea of, "Oh, I should go to the grocery store." Then all day long, I'll be playing in my head, "You should go to the grocery store, you should go to the grocery store." And I don't want to go to the grocery store, and I don't have time to go to the grocery store that day, and instead of just saying, "You know what? This suffering isn't necessary. You're not going to the grocery store today. You're going to go tomorrow." I hammer myself repeatedly that a more responsible person or a more on top of it person or a more perfect person would have time to go to the grocery store and do it all today. The more I've recognized the suffering isn't necessary, the happier I'm going to be.

When you hear this idea of, hey, suffering isn't necessary, you're like, "Duh. I know this. I know that suffering isn't necessary. I hate that I do this to myself. It's just so annoying, and I wish I didn't hammer myself all the time." We get the idea that it's stupid in so many ways that we're doing it to ourselves. What happens, and the tricky part about this whole concept of Monger and inner critic and self-ridicule is that it feels, like a warm, cozy, really itchy sweater. Because there's a part of it that feels warm and cozy and familiar and comfortable, our Monger lulls us into this safety net of comfort and support, and we feel like, "Yes, I should be suffering. You're right." We kind of become those little minions that were in the box in the Toy Story Movie that said, "Yes, master. Yes." We become that tranced person based on what our Monger is telling us, and that's the warm, cozy, fabulous part of the sweater.

Then what happens, especially as we start getting more aware of it, it starts getting itchy, and we're like, "Wait a minute. I feel uncomfortable, and I don't like how this is feeling," but we're still stuck in the trance. We don't realize that we can take off the sweater. We don't have to wear the sweater, so even though it's warm and cozy, it's itchy, and so we don't want that in our lives. That's the super challenge of dealing with this idea that you don't have to suffer.

It's recognizing when are you wearing that sweater? When are you in that trance of, oh, a good person does this, and I should be that we are justifying and proving and defending and atoning for everything we're doing. When we get stuck in that space of I, have to justify why I'm doing this. I'm going to lay here in bed miserable and justify why I'm not getting out of bed. We get stuck in that warm, cozy sweater feeling. Then it gets itchy, and we're annoyed because now we've lost 45 minutes of sleep, and we didn't get to work out. All we did was suffer for nothing.

To kind of start building awareness of when are you stuck in that trance? When are you wearing that sweater? When are you stuck in the itchiness and saying to yourself, "I don't have to suffer here."? There's no need to suffer. Then the biggest thing is to choose to decide: I'm going to get up, and I'm going to go workout, or I'm going to get up, and I'm going to enjoy my cup of coffee because I'm up 20 minutes early. Or I'm not going to work out today, and instead, I'm going to take a walk at the end of the day because, you know what, working out in the morning, that's not what I like to do, so I can't do it in the morning. I'm going to find out another time. Then find another time.

Making a choice of, I'm going to sleep, and I'm going to enjoy every minute of these 45 minutes of sleep because I went to bed late and I'm exhausted. See you later, Monger. I'm going to go to sleep. You may have to repeat that five or six times over five or six days before you get to the point of making the decision and not getting stuck in the trance of the Monger.

A few episodes ago, I talked about your biggest fan, and that is the idea of when we recognize that we're suffering to kind of call on that biggest fan to be like, okay, what do we do here? How should I be treating myself here? Because suffering is not something our biggest fan would want us to do. You don't need to be suffering—bottom line.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Running Errands? SLOW DOWN

When you enter a grocery store or run an errand that you have to do where you're running in and out of the car and being manic, as we tend to do when we're running errands, every time you shut the door to your car as you get out to go do something whether it's the grocery store or CVS or Target or whatever, to remind yourself, "I can slow down." And slow down.

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Episode 040: Living Without Drama

The cause of drama can be summed up in one phrase: lack of direct communication. In this podcast, I explore how to have a tough conversation without the drama.

+ Read the Transcript

I confess. One of my favorite ways to unwind is watching Real Housewives on Bravo TV. I love it because it's so unlike my life, and then sometimes, my nearest and dearest will walk in while I'm watching it and say, "Ugh. How can you stand to watch this? These women are so full of drama." He's so right. The show is all about drama. But I think I love watching it because it's a great insight into how drama works. How easy it is to get sucked into it and how truly, truly devastating it can be to relationships and self-esteem. If you ask anyone if they enjoy drama in relationships or at all, they will share a resounding no.

Why would any of us want drama in our lives? You see those quotes like, "I hate drama in my life. No more Drama. I'm dumping all the drama." In reality, drama, in varying degrees, is a real part of life. The drama of, "I can't believe she just did that," or, "What if she's mad at me?" or, "Oh my God. What are we going to do?" That drama, anxiety, worry, and oh my gosh, can be summed up in one phrase, lack of direct communication. When we communicate directly and honestly with the people in our lives, there's honestly little room for drama. That's easy enough, right? I mean, just directly communicate. However, this lack of communication can be due to a number of things: our fear of conflict, our shame, our perfectionism, our lack of trust, our lack of integrity, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

What drives me crazy about this self-help industry is that the insight ends at more direct communication equals less drama. Yeah, that's true, but the act of direct communication is freaking scary because direct communication requires vulnerability. It requires a strong sense of self. It requires overcoming rejection, setting strong boundaries, and holding them over and over and over and over. Not to mention having to do all of that when you were awash and shame because someone has thrown their drama all over your shame triggers. So, yes, more direct communication is the key to less drama, but learning how to communicate directly is a process that takes time. It also takes trial and error, self-compassion, and lots and lots of baby steps.

If you have drama in your life, you're not a terrible person. You're a human being who struggles with being vulnerable, and that's normal, and it is possible to limit the level of drama in your life. There's a lot underneath drama, needs, shame, speaking up, boundaries. One of the biggest things is having a difficult conversation with someone without drama, without getting stuck in the "he said, she said" or the blame or all that stuff. During this tough conversation, it's helpful to think of the drowning person analogy.

If you've ever done any lifeguard training, you know that when a person is drowning, their instinct is to fight back, to fight for their survival. As someone comes to rescue them, the drowning person who's acting instinctually will try to save their life at any cost, even if that means taking down the lifeguard. To keep his head above water, the drowning person might push the lifeguard underwater as well. Lifeguards are trained on how to rescue this person without drowning themselves.

This also happens when we engage in a difficult conversation with someone. When we approach our boss, coworker, or spouse with a need to approach something differently, no matter how loving, kind, or open we are with the other person, on some level, instinctually, they may feel like they're losing control. When we lose control, we feel attacked. When we feel attacked, we tend to lash out, enter drama. Like the drowning person who is overwhelmed by the water, feeling out of control can overwhelm people, and they go on the attack.

A typical conversation will start with person A. Let's call person A Fran. Fran lovingly explains that they want person B, let's call person B, Sam, to talk directly to them, rather than going through a coworker. Sam feels attacked. Maybe Sam knows they have been engaging in this behavior. Maybe Sam even feels bad about it, but Sam initially doesn't like being called out on this behavior. He feels uncomfortable and really out of control. Sam attacks back and calls Fran for taking too long at the staff meeting. Then, on it goes back and forth. Tit for tat. They are not making any movement because Fran doesn't even remember why they started the conversation in the first place.

Rather than causing a spiral of craziness, the next time Fran goes in for a tough conversation, she can remember that most likely, no matter what she's talking about and confronting, it will be initially hard for Sam to hear it. Even the most enlightened among us, when initially feel attacked, sometimes that feeling can last for thirty seconds. Sometimes that feeling can last for thirty years. The trick is for Fran to have a clear purpose for what she wants to get out of the conversation.

Some examples could be that she wants to be heard. She wants to develop a new way of dealing with the situation, or she wants to be understood. Fran also needs to remember that Sam will flail. He will try to attack, just like the drowning person, and it is Fran's job just lovingly to understand that. To not try to attack back and keep coming back to the intention that she initially set. Fran's job is to keep the conversation as calm and positive as possible and keep the intention first and foremost. It is not Fran's job to be attacked, to be abused. She can walk away at any time, but for Fran to yell back and cut below the belt and engage in all that drama is not necessary. She needs to take care of herself but also keep coming back to that intention, first and foremost.

Let's go back to the original example. If Fran wants Sam to talk to her directly, she can brainstorm a way to make that talking easier. It might just be a functional issue. Maybe Fran's door is always closed, or she might need to dig a little deeper and brainstorm why it is challenging for Sam to do it and how to make it less challenging. The bottom line is that Fran needs to keep the intention of facilitating direct conversation forefront in their conversation and open to brainstorming ways to do that.

Tough conversations go much better when we, as the instigator, can have a clear intention in mind and recognize before we start that we are catching someone off guard. We are instigating a tough conversation, and we need to give the other person a lot of room to flail. To some degree, it's our job to recognize our tendency to flail as the person who's been confronted in a tough conversation. It's our responsibility to notice our tendency to go on the attack. When you noticed yourself attacking like the drowning person, it's okay to admit you're uncomfortable. Apologize for attacking or just ask to take a break and if you do ask for a break, make sure you set aside a time to begin that conversation again.

Tough conversations are hard, and they are the root of drama. Doing them wrong leads to drama, but the more we practice, the better and easier they become. I promise you, but you have to start with intention. Being clear on what it is you are there for and why you want to have the conversation. Noticing when you're getting triggered, notice when you're flailing and put a stop to the conversation. But also making sure you start that conversation up again.

That is my two cents on limiting the drama in your life. This conversation could go on and on and on. Living without drama is an ongoing process that starts with intentionality and vulnerability. Plus, awareness of how we're entering into the world and what we're doing, and the behaviors we're engaging in.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Mindfully Enjoy Your Morning Cup of Joe

I have taken this idea from an article I read in The New York Times about noticing your cup of coffee in the morning or whatever beverage you enjoy in the morning. It's taking the five senses meditation that I've talked about in the past and focusing it deeply on your cup of coffee. What am I feeling? What am I tasting? What am I smelling? What am I noticing about my cup of coffee? As you start your morning, it's a great way to add mindfulness so you can face your day more connected and ready to go.

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Episodes 039: To Be Me

The danger of getting so stuck in blame and resentment we don't fully show up for our lives.

+ Read the Transcript

Today's title for the show is a little different than normal and a little questionable. To be me and not what's convenient for others is why many clients come to see me.

They're tired of not being themselves, of trying to squeeze themselves into a round hole when they're a square peg. They've spent all their lives doing that. They have this little bit of an "Ah-ha" of I want to be myself. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of not showing up in life the way I want to.

What keeps us stuck and prevents us from intentionally living and being authentic to ourselves is that we blame everyone else for why we aren't ourselves.

When you look at the phrase, "To be me, and not what's convenient for others," there's this underlying tone of blame that other people are the ones that have kept us down. When in reality, we are the ones that make a choice every day to keep shaving down our square pegs so they'll fit into that round hole. We are the ones that go out into the world and decide, "I'm going to continue to use my perfectionism and my people-pleasing as a shield from showing up in life."

The only way we're going to start changing ourselves and allowing ourselves to be me is when we stop blaming other people for keeping us down and stop blaming them for why we've shaved off the corners. They're the reasons why I've spent so much time stuck in this people-pleasing cycle. In reality, we have chosen to do that.

I can hear the pushback. We have chosen to do that based on the feedback we've gotten. We might have gotten more approval and more love because we were people-pleasing. When we're living our lives for other people, we will get more approval and more love. That's how it works. When we have lived our lives entirely for other people, then when we start changing that, there will be push back. That's human nature. That's the way it goes.

If we continue to live our lives looking at the other person and pointing outward, saying, "They are why we are down. It's his fault or her fault. It's my mom's fault for teaching me this, or it's my brother's fault for always making fun of me, or it's my husband's fault for never showing up." Then we're continuing to do the same thing.

Instead of people-pleasing and perfectionism to get approval, now we're blaming and angry. We're still not showing up authentically. We're not showing up authentically by people-pleasing and perfectionism. We're not showing up authentically when we're living in blame, and resentment, and judgment.

The only way we can show up and be intentional in our lives is when we start owning our stuff. I know when I engage in people-pleasing with my husband, he doesn't want all the stuff that I'm sucking up to him around most of the time. He doesn't care, but I am feeling insecure. I am feeling out of whack, and that's my go-to, is to people-please.

That is also my responsibility to check that. It's my responsibility to notice when I am projecting on to him everything my inner critic is saying to me, which I do a lot. If my inner critic tells me that I've put on weight or look bad, I will frequently assume my husband feels the same way. Nine times out of 10, he doesn't. He's just like, "You look great. You're my wife. I love you." He's not paying attention to that sort of thing.

We project onto other people. We assume that they are keeping us down when in reality, they may be our biggest fans. We let our inner critics put the lens over the camera that skews our whole way of thinking about things. I want you to be thinking of this as you go through life, and you're going through your day-to-day stuff, and you're looking at, "I want to show up more intentionally, and I want to take responsibility for what's happening in my life."

That responsibility can be yucky sometimes. Then we have to wake up and say, "Wait. This isn't everybody else's fault. I created this dynamic too. I have made my husband super dependent on me." Or, "I have created an unhealthy dynamic with my mom where she thinks she can call me at all hours of the night with whatever it is she needs." I have helped create that, not solely. I'm not flipping the blame totally on you.

I'm also asking if we're going to live intentionally; we have to be willing to say, "Hey, some of this might be my fault. Even though I resent that this dynamic, what have I gotten out of this dynamic?" One of my favorite questions by Dr. Phil, who I'm not necessarily a huge fan of, but the question is how is it serving you?

Every action we are doing is serving us in some way. When we say, "I want to be me and not what's convenient for others, the question to turn around and ask is how is it serving you not to be you?" Man, it's serving you in a ton of ways. It's serving you by being safe and protected, and you're not vulnerable, and you're loved and approved of. People think you're amazing.

Then there's the price you pay for that, which is a pretty heavy price, which is you don't get the chance to show your round peg. You don't get the chance to show your round peg. You're spending so much time shaving off those corners you miss out on a big part of life, letting go of some of that blame and that resentment, and allowing yourself to show up fully and take responsibility for what it is that's happening in your life.

The quote, "To be me and not what's convenient for others," is a wonderful quote. I picked it intentionally. I think it encompasses why a lot of people come to see me. I also think to be me and not what's convenient for others means you have to be willing to embrace the mess and to embrace that messiness of life, that messy middle part where you've created a dynamic with someone else that is forcing you not to show up fully.

How do you look at that instead of always pointing the finger at them? While also looking at yourself and how you've contributed to it? That's my ramble on that quote. I hope it gives you some pause. I think the idea of blaming, resentment, that anger piece, a lot of that comes in. We're so mad at other people for keeping us down. In some ways, we're mad at ourselves for keeping us down.

We have to have a piece of forgiveness around there. That is where self-compassion is just so important; it is to recognize we're getting hammered by our inner critics all the time. Sometimes we turn that inner critic external on our partners and our family members, and our friends. That's where we can get into trouble. When we can start turning that self-compassion around and saying, "I just want to be me and show up." It's so hard to do that without being frustrated with other people.

When we start changing dynamics, people start getting wiggy. They start getting freaked out. We need to be able to stand strong in our stuff even though the people around us are getting wiggy and not revert to our default patterns of starting to shave back our square peg.

We have to stand there proudly with our round peg saying, "You can have that reaction. It's going to suck while I stand here while you have that reaction, but I don't need to change who I am to make that okay for you." That's a very different energy than, "I'm going to be mad at you for not accepting my round peg."

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Pay attention to when you start feeling resentment This one goes along with the theme of really showing up. I want you to be paying attention throughout the week. This is a little more advanced ritual than I normally have. I want you to be paying attention to when you start feeling resentment. That resentment is toxic. When you start feeling resentment, just notice that in your life.

You don't have to do anything around it. You don't have to yell, or scream, or get it out. Just start noticing how often resentment, blame, and frustration show up in your life and how often you resort to blaming when you have resentment or frustration. Just start noticing that. I'll start unhooking a little bit.

If you can, for extra credit points, add in a bit of self-compassion. Add in a little, "Sweetheart, this is so hard. I just really want to blame so and so for this, but we all have a part in this. We've all created this dynamic." Making some wiggle room around that resentment and frustration and not immediately resorting right to blame.

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Episode 038: The Complexity of Empathy

Something we hear a lot is that we need to be more empathetic.  Empathy is not usually our first reaction.  Today I dive into the complexity of empathy and why it is such an important part of living happier.

Link Mentioned:

Brené Brown Empathy Video

+ Read the Transcript

Today's topic is going to be empathy. We hear a lot about empathy, Renée Brown talks about it a lot, a lot of self-help stuff talks about the power of empathy and listening. It's one of those topics, as are a lot of topics around psychology, that gets a lot of wordplay. But now a lot of, "Wow, that's hard to be empathetic." To go a little deeper into how hard it is to show up for someone in an empathetic way. For me, this has become a personal mission because, as many of you know, my father has dementia with Parkinson's. Which is extremely challenging, and talking about it is challenging for me.

They always say when you're grieving or going through something hard, the responses you get from well-meaning people are just mind-blowing how off the mark they are. That is so true. I found that to be very true for me, that people really mean to be comforting, kind, and try to help, but their responses are so far off the mark of empathy. I could be sharing how hard it is to watch my dad doing these things that he does that are totally out of character for him, and someone will say, "Well, that's just his dementia, though, that's not him as a person." Yeah, I get that, but it's still my dad. This is still really personal to me. As if I'm going to be like, "Thank you so much, you're right; it is just dementia." That's the problem with those trite statements.

This is a personal example to me. Dealing with the grieving of a loss or anything like that is an extreme example of having empathy. Still, we do it every day in the little empathy statements of, "I've had a hard day," and then we reach in to try to fix it, or, "This person's driving me crazy," and we jump it to try to make it better. Struggling, losing weight, "Let me give you the latest diet I'm trying." Every day things are coming at us where we could practice empathy. But, nine times out of 10, we jump into problem-solving, or we jump into advice-giving, trying to normalize it and make it better.

There's a Brené Brown video, which, if you haven't seen it, is amazing. It's a little cartoon; I'm going to put it on the podcast page, where the show notes are. But, even if you have seen it, I highly recommend you watch it again; I think I've seen it 50 times, and every time I get something new out of it. In the video, she talks about our desire to try to fix it. When you think about a problem you've had and when you're going to a friend, and you need some empathy, and you need some understanding, them coming back with, "You should try this," or, "When I did it, this happened to me," that isn't helpful.

What's helpful is someone saying, "Oh my gosh, thank you so much for sharing. That must be hard," or, "I'm so sorry that's happening to you," or, "I can't imagine going through this. That must be a struggle." Those ideas of, we're going to fix it by giving advice, it doesn't work. The only thing that tends to work is being present for people. The question is then, why is this so hard? empathy, it sounds so easy, the idea of just saying, "Thanks so much for sharing that," or, "This must be hard," or, "I'm so sorry." Those statements are very easy to say, but the idea doesn't pop into our heads.

This is deprogramming a little bit. It's first thought wrong, that our first reaction is to, "Let me fix this. Let me make this better. Let me give some little advice that can make it better," because we as the listener do not want to go into that pain. We don't want to go there with the other person. That self-protection that steps in is what gets us out of empathy. If I go back to the example of my dad, when I say to someone, "It's hard, I'm struggling," that other person most likely is going to go into their head about their father or their parents or death in their family or someone that they know that has dementia. They're going to get into their world, and that's going to be painful, and that's going to suck, so they don't want to go there.

They're going to try to immediately make me feel better so we can move on from the conversation. It's not a character flaw; it's just a human reaction that I don't want to go into the pain. So I hear the push-back on that, but I'm not perfect when it comes to empathy, and I have my hits and misses. The thing that has helped us to recognize, this isn't about me. Someone shares about their divorce and their struggle in their relationship; even if I've gone through a divorce or been in a crappy relationship, this story isn't about me; it's about them.

I need to be present to what they need, what they're thinking, what they're feeling at the time. So that reminder to myself of, "This is about them," lets me drop down and be present to them without getting stuck in my stuff. Because it's really hard to drop down and be with someone in their pain when we're all wrapped up in our pain, it's next to impossible. So the common humanity that comes up is, I know what pain feels like, and I may know what going through a divorce feels like, but I don't know what going through a divorce is like for you. I don't know what going through a divorce is like for your situation and your background and everything you bring to it. I know what going through a divorce is like for me, but my job here in this relationship is to be present for you, not share my stuff, not get all caught up in what I'm doing but to get present for you.

When you think about it, we do a few things in response to someone sharing something challenging with us, something emotional, something they're struggling with. We try to give them advice, to make it better, usually unsolicited advice, which is never good. We give them unsolicited advice. We say, "At least," which is in that Brené Brown video as well. "Well, at least this isn't happening," or, "At least that isn't happening." For a long time, people would say to me, "At least your dad knows who you are," and that felt so crappy because do you know how much other stuff is happening? Yeah, I am thankful that he knows who I am, but that doesn't mean the other stuff doesn't matter.

When we say to someone, "At least," then all their feelings are discounted because that one thing isn't happening, or they have that one thing to be grateful for. We give advice, we say, "At least." We tell them something they should be grateful for; that drives me crazy. "You should be grateful you have this time to spend with your dad." Yeah, I am grateful, but it's also really hard, people. This is really hard. Telling someone to be grateful or think positive or flip it around is not helpful.

The fourth thing we do is we end up relating. We'll say, "I went through a divorce too, and this is what happened," or, "I can relate because this happened with my divorce." We get caught up in our stories rather than listening to what's happening with them. When we're caught up in our stuff, it's not empathetic. It's not helpful. It's not there for them. The reason I think that the power of dropping your stuff and being able to be, "This is about them," is really powerful. Because please hear me, and my biggest message is compassion, compassion, compassion. We have to be bringing self-compassion into our own lives if we're going to make any changes at all. The more I work with self-compassion, the more I realize this is the holy grail, not that I believe in the holy grail, but the practice of self-compassion is life-changing.

If we cannot be empathetic to other people, we cannot have self-compassion for ourselves. They go hand in hand. That's why I wanted to talk about empathy today because empathy and being there for other people is a great practice in showing how we can be there for ourselves. Because when we find ourselves judging other people or saying, "Look at her over there whining again about her freaking divorce, like who cares? I went through a divorce, and I didn't whine all the time." Eek, that's yucky empathy and yucky self-compassion. That judgment pulls us out of both of those, and we can't be empathetic, and we can be self-compassionate if we're in judgment.

The idea of empathy and self-compassion go together. So when we can show up for other people and be present to them, we start flexing that muscle that allows us to show up for ourselves and be present for ourselves. So I think those go hand in hand, so start practicing more of that empathy, more of that showing up for other people and finding out what's going on with them.

One quick caveat that I did want to say is that a lot of times, we get stuck. For those of us who excel at empathy, the key to empathy is that there's a boundary there. If you're telling me about your divorce, I don't have to pick that up and carry that divorce emotion with me. I can listen to you and be present to you, but that doesn't mean I've got to pick it up and run with it, and then all day long, I'm carrying around your pain. That doesn't mean that I have to fix your pain. That's the beauty of empathy. That I can sit and be present for your pain without having to fix it or change it, make it better, pick it up, carry it. It's on you that pain, and that's what sucks about it. The more I can recognize, there is nothing we can do here to help this person other than really be present and listen. That's where the change is; that's the life-changing juice.

The people that sit with me and say, "This must suck. It is miserable to watch your dad going through this, and there's nothing we can do," yeah, that's right, there's nothing we can do. We just have to sit here in this and implement things, yes, and try our best, but at the end of the day, it's a crappy situation. These crappy situations happen all the time in life. In empathy, I'm not saying pick it up, run with it, or carry the other person's burden. I'm saying, put that boundary there so then you really can be present to what they're carrying around.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Notice how often you jump in to fix a friend's pain

Pay attention this week and notice how often you jump in to fix things. For example, pick a conversation that you know will be intimate and notice how often you jump in to fix, or how often you say, "At least," or how often you try to have them spin to be on a more positive note.

Be cognizant and intentional when you walk into a conversation to see how much you jump to fix. Then you can always rewind, you can always circle back and say, "I said, 'at least,' and I didn't mean to," or, "That was crappy that I said you should be grateful about this when I just want to thank you for sharing that with me because that had to be hard." The key with empathy is that you always have permission to circle back and say, "I did that wrong. Can I do it again?" It's fair, and that's how we learn.

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Episode 037: Quieting the Inner Critic

I am finally back from break!  I had quite a battle with my inner critic these past few weeks.  Listen to my latest trick to quiet that belittling voice.

+ Read the Transcript

Oh, it has been a long time since I've been here. I think my last episode was back in late June, and my goal was to just take July off as a break, but here we are in the second to last week of August, and I'm just now getting ready to start recording again.

So I had each week in August. I told myself, you need to do a podcast, you need to do a podcast. And in that break time, I came up with a ton of ideas of things I wanted to talk about in the podcast, the experiences I had, and stuff that had happened. And but each week, I just kept putting it off and procrastinating and procrastinating as we tend to do.

And so this morning, On my list today, I had a chunk of time. I had it on my list. I was going to do my podcast, and I woke up not feeling so great. And so I laid down for a little bit and did a bunch of other stuff related to my work and putzed around and procrastinated.

And in true honesty, I need to leave the house in 20 minutes to get to a client meeting. And here I am, recording a very last-minute podcast, which was my one super big goal for the day. So at least I did it, but man, I tell you! The reason it took me so long is my inner critic. My inner critic has been hammering me for much of the day.

And I wanted to talk about that today. It is ironic that here I was in this attack by my inner critic all day. And it took me a while to figure out that's what was going on. And it wasn't necessarily related to podcasting. I took a break, so it was always hard to come back into something and be like, is anyone going to listen?

Is this wasting your time? You shouldn't have taken a break for so long. Any time we are reentering the arena, it is hard. But also, I've been working on a lot of stuff behind the scenes dealing with overwhelm and stress and inner critic stuff and perfectionism.

And I'm honing in on the message that I want to be talking about. And so, the more we hone in on something and the closer we get to our authentic selves, the louder the inner critic gets. And so that is the struggle for me and almost everyone I know. We all want to be more authentic, and we all want to live in the flow, but in honesty, the more we get authentic, and the more we start to flow, the more we have to deal with the inner critic. That is an inevitable thing that happens because that authenticity causes vulnerability, which causes our inner critics to freak out. My inner critic has been in hyperdrive lately. And so, that's why I want to talk about quieting your inner critic.

For me lately, the thing I have been talking a lot about with clients and practicing with myself is the idea of your biggest fan, and the idea of your biggest fan came to me because I've been practicing self-compassion. And that has been a big theme for me, that this year of 2016 and specifically the summer, the idea of self-compassion.

So a common thing in when people talk about self-compassion the example they tend to use is what would your best friend say to you? How would they support you? How would your best friend talk to you? Because their inner critics talk to us so mean and belittling and shame-filled.

And then our best friends, hopefully, talk to us with love and support and kindness. And the glitch for me has come that, so this morning I wake up, I want to do this podcast. I have some other stuff that I want to get done that requires a little more putting myself out there and more vulnerability.

And so I know the inner critic is probably going to go a little crazy. And so my best friend says to me, don't worry about it. Just relax. Take the day off. It's no big deal. A lot of the people that I'm following on blogs and friends I know are taking vacations. So they're slowing down their businesses and taking some time off for the rest of October and part of September.

And, I already did that in July, so I had my time off. Fabulous. And now it is time for me to get back to work, but my best friend's voice is telling me, just relax and take it easy. It's a beautiful day. Take the day off. You don't need to be doing this, which is great, but our best friends tend to be the enablers, even in our lives.

Our best friends are the ones that support us no matter what; they constantly think whatever we're doing is fabulous, and they give us that wonderful unconditional support. So my challenge for myself the summer has been to find that middle voice. Not the super shaming belittling inner critic and not the wonderful you are amazing, perfect in every way best friend, but that middle voice. And I call that middle voice my biggest fan. And the reason I call her my biggest fan is because my biggest fan wants me to succeed. They really want what's best for me. And sometimes what's best for me is to push myself a little bit, to get out of that comfort zone, to face the inner critic and be like, no, I'm going to go beyond what you're saying.

So the best friend encourages me to back down and take it easy. And my biggest fan encourages me to keep going. But the way they encourage me, that voice is a loving kind, the mix of both in the sense of this morning, as I was, I took, worked out, I took my shower. I didn't feel great.

So I laid down, and my best friend was like, ah, just take the day. You don't feel well. You don't want to work on your podcast today. Maybe that's a sign. Maybe you should take it easy. Everyone else is taking a break. You should too, all that best friend. And then gradually as I lay there and thought, okay, what would my biggest fan say to me?

What would that person that wants me to succeed say? The biggest fan would say, Okay, you don't want to do this podcast. You've got a lot of doubts. You got a lot of insecurities, but you have to do it. You have to put one foot in front of the other. If you don't, if you keep procrastinating on this podcast, it will never get recorded.

So you need to do this, even though it's uncomfortable. And we can do it together with support and love, and it doesn't have to be this painful fight against the inner critic, but it isn't a reason for you not to do it. And so, for me, that is a big shift in how I view the inner critic world. Because now I have this cheerleader in there, that's giving me the acknowledgment that this is hard and this is challenging.

And we got to keep going and doing it anyway versus the best friend that is always encouraging me. I'd always gone between inner critic telling me how much I suck and the best friend telling me how great I was but not pushing me away. And so I think finding this biggest fan gives me some wiggle room to be like, wait, there's something else in there that is helpful.

So our biggest fan is our cheerleader. They want what's best for us, and they can lovingly push us to do more, and they can lovingly encourage us to slow down. So to the same degree that our inner critic says you got to keep going, keep ahead, keep up. That push, push, the biggest fan is going to say, whoa, we've done enough today.

We need to take a break. You need to relax. You need to slow down. And so she's going to give us both the push and the slow down, and that voice is always wise, kind, and loving. So it's always wise, kind, and loving. And I think that's the piece, the inner critic is not wise, kind and loving, let's be honest, and the best friend is wise kind and loving too, but they're not as wise, they're more on the kind and loving part.

So that wisdom of you got to keep going, even though you don't want to, or you need to slow down because you've been pushing so hard. So the wise voice, it sounds something like. Wow. Today was hard. Next time, let's not procrastinate on that assignment so much. We got it done, but wow. Was it stressful?

These donuts were delicious, and we enjoyed every bite, and that sugar crash was brutal. So I'm not going to eat them every day, but I'm so glad we had them and to see how that biggest fan voice has that mix of both. It's whoa, we made a mistake there. It was really good. But we learned this from that, or, wow.

We shouldn't have been procrastinating so much. The positive is we got it done, but the hard part is that it was exhausting in the process. So the biggest fan gives us a little wiggle room in there, and I have liked that truth and grace and compassion that the biggest fan is giving me. She doesn't let everything slide like a best friend would. She's whoa, we had all those donuts.

That was awesome. I loved every bite, like the best friend. She speaks to the truth, but she doesn't use shame and belittling like the inner critic does. So I think the biggest fan is that mix of both. It's the truth like the inner critic has, and it's the loving-kindness like our best friend has, but it's all mixed together.

There's no shaming and belittling, and there's a little wisdom, and there's a little grace that comes in. So I encourage you to practice harnessing that biggest fan and see if that helps you in your quest to quiet the inner critic because it has made a massive change in my life.

I'm trying to concentrate on being intentional and asking, Hey, what would my biggest fan say? What would someone in front of me who wanted the best for me but also was going to be willing to speak the truth with kindness and grace, what would they say? And I think it will change your life.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Be in the Shower

We are going back to basics. I have noticed that recently my mind is NOT in the shower so I thought I would bring back this oldie but a goodie to remind us to fully be present in the shower.

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Episode 036: Anxiety as a Badge of Honor

Anxiety is a habit. We can become addicted to the “high” anxiety gives us of being productive, accomplishing a lot, and looking “altogether”. But at what price? Our health?  Our relationships? Anxiety is not something to be glorified--it is something to build resiliency around.

+ Read the Transcript

Frequently when I'm out, and people ask me, so what do you do? I say I'm a therapist, and I help people reduce their anxiety and stress. And I met with the response of, oh my gosh, I totally need that. I have so much anxiety followed by an ever-so-subtle smile of pride.

I remember that smile of pride. I remember wearing my anxiety as a badge. And unfortunately, we are living in a society that encourages that belief. The belief is that anxiety makes me grouchy, exhausted, and stressed out, but it makes me productive. It disconnects me from my friends and family, but I get a lot done.

It leaves me with indigestion, headaches, neck pain, but I'm seen as having it all together. Anxiety can be a result of neural biological hardware. I come from a long line of anxiety sufferers. And anxiety can also be a habit we can become addicted to. The "high" anxiety gives us for being productive, accomplishing a lot, and looking altogether.

But at what price, our health, our relationships, anxiety is not something to be glorified. It is something to build resiliency around. Anxiety resiliency starts with admitting that anxiety is not serving you. True confession. It took me a long time to admit that, but I started building a life of anxiety resilience once I did.

So today, I want to talk about how we can let go of that. Anxiety is a badge of honor, and it starts with each of us individually. We each have to take on the charge of stop valuing the thinking that anxiety is a way of life. So I want you to start noticing how many times you get stuck in this busy mentality.

How often do you lament? Oh my gosh. I'm so busy or litany off your to-do list to someone or yourself and the hopes of looking busier. I read somewhere that the word busy has become the new fine. When people ask, how are you doing? We're like, oh, we're so busy. So it's become this new normal to be like, oh, I'm so busy.

And then we even have taken it to the next level where we start shaming each other if someone else isn't as busy as we are. So if someone says, oh my gosh, I got nine hours of sleep last night. That was so amazing. And they'll be like, what, how did you get nine hours of sleep? My life is so hectic; I can only average five hours asleep. We belittle each other for the fact that we are taking care of ourselves. It's just crazy. I tell you, crazy. So I want you to start noticing how often you get stuck in that busy mentality because busy is a comfortable habit for many of us.

I've found that helpful. That's why I do these weekly ritual challenges to build a natural stopping point throughout the day so that I can check-in and see if I'm falling victim to my to-do list. Again, I talked about it a couple of weeks ago in the Addiction to busy-ness podcast, a similar concept, the idea of posting sticky notes around the house. When you see a sticky note, you check-in, or one of my favorite ideas is setting the alarm on my phone, and it randomly dings; when I hear that ding, I know I need to check.

Start noticing how often your Monger is hammering you when you decide to enjoy some play and rest. Notice what she says, notice the themes of the messages and lovingly ask her to be quiet because you're playing right now, and that's okay.

It is okay not to be going all the time. We are not wired for the constant fight or flight that we put our bodies through. Notice each time you catch yourself getting caught up in the belief system that the more I do, the better I am, and remind yourself that you are good enough.

You are just fine. No matter what you accomplish, that does not make you a better person. The more we accomplish does not equal better. That's just the more we've accomplished. And then ask yourself, what do I want my life to feel like? Is doing helping me feel that way? Does feeling anxious, stressed, and busy make me feel good? Can I step out of this busy mode for five minutes? Just to pause. And as you practice building awareness and taking a break from the go, you will be able to take longer and longer breaks. Five minutes. We'll be 10. We'll be 45. We'll be 90. And over time, your body will recognize how wonderful. How just amazing. It feels not to be pushing yourself all the time.

I was just talking about this with my husband. I value my sleep, and it is something that I take very seriously. I get between eight and nine hours every night. I schedule it that way.

And if I don't have eight or nine hours, I'm a mess. So a couple of weeks ago, we were out late, and I got six hours of sleep, and I was just a wreck. And I said to my husband, I remember back in the day when I would just average six hours of sleep, and I would be totally fine.

Because here's a secret, I have a lot of shame around the fact that I get eight or nine hours of sleep at night, even though I know I feel better. I'm a better person when I get that much sleep. It's better for my body when I get that much sleep. But the looks and the anger that I get from people when I tell them that I get eight or nine hours of sleep is, oh, must be nice to get that much sleep. You must not be doing anything.

Instead of being like way to go, I wish I valued sleep that much! Or how do you do it? Give me some tips on how you get that much sleep each day.

And so I get eight or nine hours asleep, and I belittle myself for it, but I know when I don't get that much sleep, I'm a mess.

My husband and I were talking about how over time, as we've practiced letting go of the busy and jumping off that merry-go-round of busy, we have less capacity to do that. So I think of 10 years ago, I was constantly going, constantly moving.

If I had a headache or a stomach ache, it didn't matter. I just was on to the next thing. And now, I can't do that. I need more breaks. I need more time to rest. Maybe cause I'm ten years older, but also because I just don't have the desire to live like that. It just doesn't bring me joy to be that pushed.

And I think when we get into that habit of pushing, we forget what it feels like to be rested, calm, and have those moments. And so that's why I think these weekly ritual challenges are so important because they remind our bodies what it feels like not to be in fight or flight. They remind our bodies what it's like to be, just to relax.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: How often do you use the term "Busy"?

Pay attention to how often you use the phrase, busy in your day-to-day life. "Busy" has become the new "fine". Notice how it infiltrates your life, take a breath and a pause.

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Episode 035: Living Happier in a Quick Fix Society

Tips to Living Happier when we are overwhelmed with life.

+ Read the Transcript

So let's face it. Life moves fast all day long. There are millions of pieces of information flying at us on how to be better and be more successful. And, of course, how to be happier. Unfortunately, there is so much talk of instant gratification, fad diets, quick fixes, and fast money.

And with all that fast-moving instant messaging Snapchatting, there's a pushback. There's a yearning for quiet meditation, simple pleasures, and enjoying the little things. These two polarities constantly present in our lives. They almost drive me crazy. These two polarities, I am constantly pushing myself to go faster, and on the other end, pushing myself to be quiet, take some time, sit in the backyard, and relax and enjoy the simple thing.

So, on the one hand, we know to engage with life and live happier, we need to disconnect. And on the other hand, we know that society and our inner critics tell us to keep up, get stuff done, be successful. It is enough to make even the calmest person, anxious and heaven forbid you're like me, and you already struggle with anxiety.

So what are we supposed to do? And we know that getting quiet and listening is the key. And yet, we're afraid of the answers that might come up. We know that living in life based on our values is life-changing, yet living our values might anger a lot of people and disappoint them. So living our values might cause a major upheaval in our lives.

We know that meditation and mindfulness is the number one way to decrease anxiety and increase health. And yet, sitting in that quiet is scary. We know that speaking about our needs and setting healthy boundaries are important. And yet, sometimes, the pushback from setting a boundary is just too exhausting.

We know admitting we aren't as perfect as we appear and don't have it all together is important to living happier. And yet we're scared to death to be that wrong. I believe all of those are true. That is the crux of living happier. The dichotomy of both, of those, of admitting that we know healthy boundaries are awesome and they're needed to be happier.

And yet they're hard to set and knowing that we need to live a life with our values. But knowing that living that life sometimes is uncomfortable and makes other people uncomfortable. So to counter those, I believe we are supposed to do three things.

Number one, give yourself a break, understand that living happier, decreasing anxiety, and being authentic aren't going to happen overnight. They aren't a quick fix, and they aren't easy.

They are lifelong practices, and they're going to be days that you don't want to engage in that practice. So remind yourself. That is okay. Tomorrow is another day. The one thing I hear so much from people that say I want to live happier, and they come in, they talk to me, and they are shocked to hear that I don't have the perfect set of boundaries.

I don't have a life that's constantly engaging in my values all the time. My inner critic runs the show some days. I am actively learning how to decrease that, which is why I'm, doing what I call my year of self-compassion and learning more about self-compassion for myself. We are all learning as we go.

So give yourself a break that it's okay. That you may know these practices and you may do them more days than not, but on the not days, that's okay. Give yourself some time. The second thing I want to say is to counteract this busy world is to show up, just show up, shut down the autopilot mode, and show up for your life.

Notice when you're feeling anxious. Notice when you keep saying yes, but. In your head, notice when you're running into old patterns, notice when you're looking for the easy out, just notice that show up for your life and be imperfect. We spend so much time trying to get it right, trying to do it perfectly.

And we don't show up and notice when we're doing when we're stuck in old patterns. A common example, we read a self-help book, we get inspired. We listened to this podcast where yeah, I'm going to make some major changes. And we head down the road to make some major changes. And gradually fall off the road, and we get back into our old patterns, but we don't notice that we're running into old patterns.

We're just engaging in the old patterns. And so we do the old patterns for a while, and then eventually we remember I was going to be doing this stuff differently. I was going to do it another way. And so we start beating ourselves up and hammering ourselves. If we noticed when we started running into the old patterns, if we had stopped and just paid attention and said, whoa, today I'm engaging in some old patterns, we could have stopped the action there.

We could have recognized the old patterns and been like, oh, today's just been an exhausting day. I don't have it in me to draw the boundary where I should. I'm going to notice that I'm going to move on, and tomorrow is another day, but instead, we run on autopilot and let the old patterns take over the drama.

The resentment, the ridicule, all that stuff comes playing out. And then we start turning on ourselves because we weren't able to make the real change. So when we show up for our lives, when we show up in all our imperfectness and notice when we engage in a pattern and when it's more challenging for us or when it's harder or when we can just be in our lives. That's when change occurs. That's when it gets easier.

The third tip I have for you is to ask for help. We can't do this stuff alone. We can't live happier without the support of others. Ask your people to give you what you need to keep you on the path, whether a kick in the butt, support, or words of wisdom, ask others for help. I have many clients who say to me, I want to make these changes, but my husband just doesn't get it. And he's not that supportive. And I've said to them, have you asked for help. Have you asked him if he's interested in this stuff? And 90% of the time, they say no, I haven't.

Or if I have mentioned it to him, he just gives me advice. And then I say, have you asked him not to give you advice? Have you asked him to give you support? And they say no, I haven't done that either. So pay attention to how often you're like, wow, my, my people won't give me support and then come back with, have I asked them for support?

And if I have, have I told them the kind of support that I need? So often, I'll say to my husband, I need you to just to listen to this. I don't need brainstorming or suggestions. I just need you to listen. Or I'll say I've just had a tough day, and I just need a little support because we don't know how to show up for you. And so when you ask for help, be specific on what it is you need from other people. So those are my three tips for living happier and a quick-fix society when the go has gotten too much.

Give yourself a break, show up for your life and ask for help. I'm going to leave you with a wonderful quote from Geneen Roth, a phenomenal practitioner in helping women deal with body image and emotional eating. And she's come up. This quote she says is, "for some reason, we are truly convinced that if we criticize ourselves, that criticism will lead to change. If we're harsh, we believe we will end up being kind. If we shame ourselves, we believe we end up loving ourselves. It has never been true. Not for a moment. That shame leads to love. Only love, leads to love."

Oh, that's so incredible. So I guess I would add that as my fourth tip is love leads to love. Love yourself through all of this craziness.

That is the life we live in. Give yourself lots of love and compassion for trying to live happier, trying to be present, trying to live by yourself. And on the days you win, celebrate those days, celebrate them big time.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Do Something Creative

Draw, paint, write, sing, play an instrument, dance, or get out in the garden. Expand the right side of your brain!!

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Episode 034: Why Pay Twice?

A question that changed my life and gave me a different way of looking at mistakes.

+ Read the Transcript

So my dad is full of different pieces of advice, short sentences, packed with big wisdom. And one of these wisdom phrases that we say a lot in our house is why pay twice? So let's say you go to the movies and you pay $25 for tickets and snacks, and halfway through the movie, you're mad.

The movie's terrible. It's loud. The plots weak, no characters, just plain bad. So most people would say I paid for this movie. I'm going to sit here and get my money's worth. But my dad would say, why pay twice? Why pay the $25 and then pay the fee of your time and energy to watch a bad movie, get up and leave.

And I love this piece of advice. I tell you has been life-changing for me. And I wrote this blog piece in the first book that I wrote, .Juice Squeezed. So people will come up to me who read the book and say, oh my gosh, the idea of why pay twice changed my life.

And it shows up so much in our lives that we get stuck in this. I've already done this. This is the way I've already gone. So I got to keep continuing on the same path, and this gives us permission to turn around and be like, wait a minute. Why am I doing this again? Why am I paying twice? So the spirit of this advice can apply to so many aspects of our lives. Not just financially that I paid for something. And so why am I going to sit here through a terrible thing, but often, like when we. We have to stick with something merely because we've paid, whether financially or with our time and energy.

So let's say you're in a job. You hate, you go every day, thinking how much you hate it. And you justify that by saying I've already put in 5, 10, 15 years. I can't quit now again, the idea of why pay twice. Yes. You've paid your dues, and it hasn't worked out yet. So why keep paying. This gives us permission just to turn around and say, why am I continuing to throw money or throw my energy into something that isn't working out?

An example I see a ton with the clients I work with is people who have paid to go to school. And for whatever reason, they've picked a degree that doesn't fit them. So here they are 2, 4, 10, 20 years later, and they can't find the job they want. Or they have a job, and they're totally miserable.

And many of them know what they want to do next. They know what it is specifically, but it requires more schooling. And they'll say to me, I can't go back to school, I already paid for one degree. So I have to use the degree I paid for. That's true. They did pay for one day. But just like in the bad movie analogy, if it wasn't the right degree, it isn't going to be satisfying, or it's not going to get them what they want in the end.

So why pay twice? Why pay for the first degree and then pay for your misery, the rest of your life? Because you made a human mistake and selected the wrong day. Frequently in life, we make mistakes. We choose incorrectly. We choose something that we thought should fit. Or we tried something that someone else told us would fit, and we ended up unhappy, miserable, and quote paying for the mistake.

The point is the mistakes. We chose wrong, but we keep suffering because we picked wrong. Why pay twice? Why continue to suffer? Figure out a way to make a change, do it differently. Just because you chose wrong, to begin with, doesn't mean you have to keep suffering. We continue to pay the price well beyond what we need to.

And so we've paid twice instead of having the recognition of wait a minute, I made a mistake here, and that's okay. I need to figure out a different way of doing this. I love this piece of advice because it's opened up my life to be like, oh yeah, I don't have to do this. Just because I already said I would, for example, my husband and I went to a concert this weekend, and we rented a hotel cause it was a couple of hours away from us.

And as we were pulling out of the parking lot, I was like, oh, maybe we should just go home. I didn't want to go back to the hotel, and we could get home late tonight, but we get home and sleep in our bed. And then I said, we already paid for the hotel. And he was like, what?

We haven't dropped off her stuff at the hotel. We paid for it. But that doesn't mean we have to sleep there. If you'd be happier sleeping at home, why would we pay twice? And it was just a great pause for me to be like, oh yeah. Why pay twice? When there are options here. And I think that's the beauty of this.

Why pay twice is it gives us options. We ended up going to the hotel anyway, and I was glad we did because I was exhausted. But it still gave me a chance to see other options. I get stuck in that black and white way of thinking where I've already paid for this. So I have to keep going down that path. I already chose whatever it is.

So I have to keep going down that path, instead of saying, wait a minute, maybe you could choose differently and not mess everything up. And it would be okay. So this advice allows me to get creative. It allows us to figure out a different plan. So life has meant to be enjoyed. It's not meant to be stuck in one decision the whole way.

We're not meant to pay for our mistakes forever. We're allowed to admit we messed up, make amends, find a different way. So, where in your life are you paying twice? That's what I want you to ask yourself and have that paying twice mentality tossed it around in your brain a little bit to make you give you more creativity and more openness.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Go for a Walk Around the Block.

Take a small walk when you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Get out and get moving.

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Episode 033: Whose Carrot are You Chasing?

In this society, get so caught up in the chase we forget what or why we are chasing in the first place.  We get so use to going after 'the goal' we forget to ask ourselves--do I really want this goal in the first place?

+ Read the Transcript

Today, we're going to be talking about that darn carrot. And what I mean by the carrot is that I think there's a state farm commercial showing a man in fishing gear. He has a dollar bill on a fishing rod, and the girl keeps grabbing after it, and he keeps pulling it back and pulling it back.

That's what I'm talking about, the carrot that is on the fishing pole, and we're chasing after it thinking if only we can catch it, running through life, checking things off the to-do list, being on top of things, looking good. That ever-elusive carrot, the holy grail that has you thinking if only I could get the carrot, then I would be okay.

I just need to keep working for it, but the carrot keeps changing, growing and moving, and we never actually get it. So the carrot is the college degree, the spouse, the kids that have enough money to be comfortable having enough money for retirement, sending the kids to college, being happy in your career, getting a vacation home, the carrot list goes and on.

It never stops. It is always there. In theory, The carrot could be awesome. It represents our end goal and represents the priorities. What matters most is the direction we want our life to take. The problem with the carrot is when it doesn't represent anything except the next "thing."

When you're unclear on what the carrot represents in your life, then you're just chasing an imaginary object. You might never reach. It sounds insane, but I know many of us, me included, at one point have fallen victim to mindlessly chasing the carrot.

I was spending all of my time chasing something that I couldn't define. I didn't even know if I would want it in the first place. We get so caught up in the chase. We forget what or why we're chasing it.

We get so used to going after the goal; we forget to ask ourselves, do I want this goal in the first place? So today, I want you to take a pause from all that carrot chasing for a moment and ask yourself to define your carrot.

What does success look like to you? Is success a big house, a new car being able to eat out every night of the week, or is it having a flexible schedule to spend time with family and friends?

Maybe success is having a community of friends who gather and chat about politics, art, and activism, or maybe success is more about having an education. Success can have a million definitions, but what does success mean to you? Not your parents, not your neighbors or your partner, but you.

For years we get so stuck in the comparing. My favorite saying is you're comparing your insides to somebody else's outsides. And we walk around the world, look at what other people are doing, and think, oh my gosh, they have it all together. They have the perfect partner. They have the perfect house. They have the perfect job, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They don't have any of the insecurities that I have. They don't have any of the doubts that I have. And so I just have to keep pushing and pushing, and I'll be just like them.

And we never pause to think, do I want to have this perfect everything or what is important to me? Because all of this stuff that I'm chasing may not even be the point. I know so many clients that come in, and they're just like, I'm tired and done. I'm exhausted from pushing and pushing to what end for. Why am I pushing?

And that is a pivotal point in our lives to recognize. How will I know when I have made it? What is my life vision look like? What does your carrot look like? And what exactly are you chasing? And do you still want to be chasing it? The point of the questions is to help you take stock of your carrot and get clear on your goals and priorities to help you stop just reacting to life but start getting real about what you want from you.

This happens to me now and then. It's related to self-doubt and insecurity. When we get doubt and insecure, we look outside of ourselves to see what other people are doing to compare and get some ideas. So I will compare myself to other entrepreneurs or other people that are online teaching about stuff, and I'll think, oh, I suck so much.

I should be doing this and this and this and this. And I litany off all this stuff that I should be doing. And I start chasing this random carrot. Because I think that's the next great thing. And then eventually I'll stop and be like, wait, I don't want to be doing that. That doesn't fit my business.

I don't want to be doing all these things. So when we can get clear on, I don't want to be doing that right now, and we stop wasting time chasing these carrots that lead us nowhere. Maybe having a big car is important to you. That's okay. Go for that. Or having the second home and the vacation is important; that's awesome. And you want to find a job where you can make enough money to support you and your family and send your kids to college and have the house and the second home and the cars. That's great. Maybe for you. It is. I'm going to go back to school because going back to school and getting my Ph.D., that's what's important, or going being creative that's what's important. And maybe I'm going to have to downsize to do that. Maybe I'm going to have to cut back to go after that dream that I want to go after. And maybe in doing that, I'm going to disappoint someone. Or I'm not going to live up to what I thought I was supposed to live up to, and I have to let that go.

And so, there's going to be some grief when we realize that we were chasing things that may not be our top priority. And we realize, wait a minute, I have options here. I don't have to work a job I hate to get the house in the car when I don't value the house in the car.

I value education. And so I need to go back to school, and that's going to cost me money. And so I'm going to have to downsize, and oh, what am I going to tell people when I have to downsize? But when we start living life from what we want and what we value, and what's important to us. We consider other people's insights, but at the end of the day, you're the one that you're going to have to be living with.

You're the one that's going to look back on your life and say, did I make decisions based on how I wanted to do my life? Did I chase the carrot that I wanted to be chasing? That's the most important part.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Stop and Smell the Flowers

Literally! Get outside and smell some flowers : ) Take the time to look around and embrace the beauty of the season.

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Episode 032: Addicted to Busy

How to recognize when you have an addiction to busy and tips to get yourself on the wagon.

+ Read the Transcript

So we're going to get it kicked off with a bang with one of my favorite topics, which is addicted to busy. And the reason this is one of my favorite topics because I am in recovery; on my addiction to busy, one might debate if I'm really in recovery or if I'm simply just trying all the time. But it is something that I work very hard with is my addiction to busy.

So one of my favorite quotes is if you want to be happy, then just be, and. So yeah, I love that quote, and I believe it to the core of my being that it is the truth that, if you want to be happy, then just be present, be in the moment, be where you are, and things will show up and appear and, we can embrace the happiness that is right now.

A couple of podcasts ago, I talked about how meditation is not for everyone and confessed that I am not a big meditator. Because just being still for long periods is the last thing I want to do.

So I confess I'm a busyness addict. I know that when I get stressed, overwhelmed, or tired, I move quickly into run, run, run mode, and run, run, run road means you don't have to think, feel engaged or be you're just running from to thing to thing to thing. You run to the next item on your to-do list, and you run to the next event, you run to the next thing.

It doesn't matter what it is you're running towards as long as you are running. And I know so many people that suffer from this addiction to busy. But, unfortunately, it's become an epidemic in our society that we wear busy as a badge of honor.

And so I confess I'm a business addict in recovery, meaning I'm aware that I have this problem, and I try to put rituals into place to catch myself. And that's why, on these podcasts, I always have the weekly ritual challenge because I believe those rituals are a way to get out of the busy.

We can catch ourselves. And if we have this tendency to be pulled into busy, we can build in the rituals that put a stop in place there. So when I fall off the recovery wagon and into the temptation of busyness, those weekly rituals pull me back into the present. So here are some signs that you might be addicted to busy.

One, your emotional reaction to life is not congruent with the events of your life. So, for example, you're going through something painful, sad, or even joyous and happy, yet your affect is flat. You aren't really feeling anything. That's the beauty of busy in some ways, beauty being a tongue-in-cheek term because it keeps you flatlined. You don't have to feel anything.

Number two, you become obsessed with checking things off the to-do list. And you're often telling yourself, once I get everything done, then I can relax. Once I finish this project, or once I get the lawn mowed, I'll feel better and relax once I do everything.

And here's the shocking fact. You won't ever get everything off the to-do list. That is a number that has become my number one sign. When I start telling myself, once I finished this, I'll feel better when. You'll get the lawn mowed, or once I finish this podcast, or once I write that blog, or once I finish up with all my clients for the week, then I can relax, and then I'll feel better.

Usually, that is not the case because there is always something else to be done. Always something else to be there. The third sign you might be a busyness addict is you are always multitasking. If you're watching TV, you're on the computer. If you're talking on the phone, you're making dinner. You can't stand to do one thing at a time and just engage with that activity. So you're constantly trying to get more than one thing done.

And I do a lot of speaking on this topic of stress management and how to deal with busyness. And one of my tips is to avoid multitasking and the groans from the audience that come up from that one because we are so addicted to multitasking, and it is one way that keeps our brains and permanent busy status all the time.

And then the last one is you're obsessed with checking your phone, email, Facebook, whatever you constantly have to be checking in with the outside world. And I know for me, this is another big one that when I have to, just be constantly tuned into what's happening in the outside world, it usually means there's something on the inside I don't want to be dealing with.

And my busyness has taken over. Because the number one thing that all of those traits have in common, all of those signs that you have an issue with busyness is they pull us away from ourselves. They pull us into the busy, and we don't have to feel anything when we're in busy mode. Which sadly is the goal.

That's what we're going for. The busyness has a numbing effect on what's happening in our life. And the price that we pay for not feeling it is that we can't engage with our life. We can't show up, be present, be grateful, be intentional, be engaged in life. Basically, we can't live happier because we're always chasing something, and we're never succeeding.

It's like the laser light that I use to entertain my cat, and she's chases and cheeses and chases and never catches anything. That's what we're doing to ourselves. It's a lesson in futility. We're never getting anywhere. So what can you do to get on the recovery wagon of busyness?

The first one is to recognize your busyness signs. What activities do you engage in when you get overwhelmed? For that. I just suggested there are all my busyness activities and ones I've seen in my clients. But you may have other ones that you do that showcase your need to be busy.

That's the first tip. The second tip is to put in some natural checkpoints throughout the day. These are the weekly ritual challenges, three deep breaths at a stoplight, five minutes of downtime in the morning body scans throughout the day. And as a heads up, when you are in busyness. The last thing, the absolute last thing you will want to do, is to stop busyness mode.

So I have found it best to add the rituals throughout the day that forced me to stop. They forced me to stop because I don't voluntarily want to stop because the busyness feels good because it keeps you out of your head. The third tip is to ask friends and family to help you stay accountable and ask them to share when they feel you have entered busyness mode. That's a tough one, but it's helpful.

The fourth step I would have is once you recognize you're in busyness mode and you've maybe the natural checkpoint pointed out, or maybe you just realized it yourself. Take a second just to write down everything that's running through your brain. And if you can get specific about what you are feeling in the moment. I will write the prompt I'm angry about __, or I'm sad about _, or I'm joyful about _, and I write it out. I may not realize that I'm angry. That's why I give myself the prompts. Having those feeling prompts allows me, who isn't very aware of my feelings, to stretch and figure out, oh, this is what I'm angry about, or this is what's going on. This is why I'm stuck in busy because I'm pissed off at my husband.

And rather than dealing with that anger, I'm going to stay in busy. So the tip of once you recognize you're in busyness mode, give yourself some prompts of I am angry about and then let it rip. I am sad about let it rip and give yourself those feeling prompts so that you can start building awareness of the feelings because 99% of the time, the reason we're stuck in busyness mode is because we don't want to feel so.

And then the last tip I have is to remember this, and everything I talk about is a process. I have come very far in my recovery, and I still fall off that wagon. But each time, the fall is shorter, and my recovery period is longer and longer. As someone in recovery, I know that life is so much better when I'm not in that addiction.

I'm happier, I'm more engaged, I'm more peaceful, and I'm more present in life in Technicolor and bright. It's just so different.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Take 3 Deep Breaths at a Stop Light Bringing out an oldie but a goodie this week. This one has changed my life taking 3 deep breathes at a stoplight has made all the difference in breaking the addiction to busy.

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Episode 031: Coming Alive

Coming Alive...or more importantly, what is keeping you from Coming Alive. Thoughts on one of my favorite quotes:  “Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” -Howard Thurman 

+ Read the Transcript

Today I want to talk about a particular quote by Howard Thurman: Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself. What makes you come alive and do that because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

I love the inspiration of that. I just couldn't agree with that more. What the world needs is people who have come alive. Sometimes, when I've shared this quote in the past, people have said, oh, that's selfish. Like we shouldn't be thinking about ourselves. We should be giving the world what it needs, and we should be out there serving.

He's not saying don't serve the world. He's saying, ask what makes you come alive and then serve the world from that place. If we were all acting out of what makes us come alive, oh my gosh, the world would be such a grander, better place.

I've talked in the past about how I notice it when I'm feeling annoyed or resentful or just angry at the world.

Often, it stems from the fact that I am not doing what makes me come alive. I am stuck in some pattern of doing for others and giving what I think others want and way gone off the rails on serving other people. And when I can pause and stop and say, okay, what is it that makes me come alive and do that.

I become a happier, better, more generous person. So this week, I want you to be thinking about what makes you come alive. And this quote is used a lot when it comes to career, but I want us to step back from that, not just career. If you want to think about it in terms of career, that is awesome. But more so in your everyday life, what makes you come alive and do more of that to bust out of the everyday mundane.

Suppose you're dreaming of going to travel and do something wonderful across the country. Figure out a way to do that here, figure out a way to engage in something unique here. I love traveling and going to different places, seeing the national parks, and getting outdoors.

And so that made me realize, okay, rather than just waiting to go outdoors in a national park, Go outside here in your hometown and explore different parks and see different areas. So I think that's beneficial when we can start asking ourselves what makes us come alive and then pay attention to what that feels like when we're alive when everything's clicking, when you're in the zone, and you're feeling really good, that's when we're at our best, that's when we're living our best life.

And that's when our inner critic comes out. So the dark underbelly that's the part that no one talks about when it comes to these quotes is that piece where we don't give ourselves the permission to be alive. We are constantly saying you don't deserve that. Who do you think you are to do what makes you come alive? You should be blah, blah, blah. Fill in the blank. We don't give ourselves permission. To come alive because our inner critic takes over the minute we start coming alive and coming into our own. Because we also start becoming more vulnerable. And when we're more vulnerable, our inner critic freaks out because it wants us to keep us safe and protected.

So this aspect of coming alive has this dark underbelly that we don't think about as much. And so, we don't actively have a way of dealing with that. We're like, yeah. I want to come alive. I'm going to do something great. I'm going to go today. I'm going to go to a funky coffee shop, and I'm going to sit there, and I'm going to enjoy it.

I'm going to not having a regular schedule and doing something different. And the whole time we're there, unconsciously is playing our inner critic saying, who do you think you are to take the morning off and come to this coffee shop? You don't fit in here. This isn't where you should be. You are such a fake person. Oh my gosh. I can't believe you're sitting here doing this. Just hammering away.

And so we don't come alive. We walk out of the coffee shop feeling like idiots. And so, that aspect of what makes you come alive is still there. It just got beaten down by your inner critic. So as you spend the next week thinking about what is it that makes me come alive.

Also, have some curiosity and pay real attention to that inner critic playing there and bring it to the light. Bring that inner critic out into the open and say, baby, I got this. I don't need you to be belittling me or making fun of me. This is what I want to be doing. I want to be coming alive, and I will be okay.

We'll be okay. So lovingly remind that inner critic that you got this. Also, just pay attention that the downside of coming alive is your inner critics going to get chattier. And that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. That just means you have to be extra vigilant in how you deal with that inner critic.

And a lot of times, what happens is we decide we're going to do something we're going to bust out. We're going to do something unique. We go to do that. Boom, incomes the inner critic to tell us how much we suck, and we don't pay attention to that inner critic playing there; we let it win, so to speak.

And then our next response is to be resentful or angry or go, kick our dog or yell at our spouse, or be resentful that here we try to do something new. It didn't work out. And so, it is just a self-affirming prophecy that we're just meant to be losers. And what happened there was the inner critic. That was the piece that we missed. That piece of self-compassion of, okay, I'm trying something new, I'm doing something different. I'm going to bust out of my zone. All that means is the inner critic is going to be going crazy. I need to be on high alert for that and be extra loving to that inner critic.

So that's the point of today's podcast to remind you of the power of that inner critic, that when we try to do something and bust out and when we're on the right path, and we're getting closer to that wise voice and getting closer to what comes makes us come alive. That's when her inner critic gets the chattiest, and that's when we need to step up and lovingly remind it. We got this. It'll be okay.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Take a Different Route: Dare to Get Lost

Shaking things up get's us out of our ruts and allows us to see life differently. Where can you shake things up in your life? One of the ways to shake things up is to take a different route to school, to work, to home. Dare to get lost, turn off the navigation system and go exploring :)

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