Episode 036: Anxiety as a Badge of Honor
Anxiety is a habit. We can become addicted to the “high” anxiety gives us of being productive, accomplishing a lot, and looking “altogether”. But at what price? Our health? Our relationships? Anxiety is not something to be glorified--it is something to build resiliency around.
+ Read the Transcript
Frequently when I'm out, and people ask me, so what do you do? I say I'm a therapist, and I help people reduce their anxiety and stress. And I met with the response of, oh my gosh, I totally need that. I have so much anxiety followed by an ever-so-subtle smile of pride.
I remember that smile of pride. I remember wearing my anxiety as a badge. And unfortunately, we are living in a society that encourages that belief. The belief is that anxiety makes me grouchy, exhausted, and stressed out, but it makes me productive. It disconnects me from my friends and family, but I get a lot done.
It leaves me with indigestion, headaches, neck pain, but I'm seen as having it all together. Anxiety can be a result of neural biological hardware. I come from a long line of anxiety sufferers. And anxiety can also be a habit we can become addicted to. The "high" anxiety gives us for being productive, accomplishing a lot, and looking altogether.
But at what price, our health, our relationships, anxiety is not something to be glorified. It is something to build resiliency around. Anxiety resiliency starts with admitting that anxiety is not serving you. True confession. It took me a long time to admit that, but I started building a life of anxiety resilience once I did.
So today, I want to talk about how we can let go of that. Anxiety is a badge of honor, and it starts with each of us individually. We each have to take on the charge of stop valuing the thinking that anxiety is a way of life. So I want you to start noticing how many times you get stuck in this busy mentality.
How often do you lament? Oh my gosh. I'm so busy or litany off your to-do list to someone or yourself and the hopes of looking busier. I read somewhere that the word busy has become the new fine. When people ask, how are you doing? We're like, oh, we're so busy. So it's become this new normal to be like, oh, I'm so busy.
And then we even have taken it to the next level where we start shaming each other if someone else isn't as busy as we are. So if someone says, oh my gosh, I got nine hours of sleep last night. That was so amazing. And they'll be like, what, how did you get nine hours of sleep? My life is so hectic; I can only average five hours asleep. We belittle each other for the fact that we are taking care of ourselves. It's just crazy. I tell you, crazy. So I want you to start noticing how often you get stuck in that busy mentality because busy is a comfortable habit for many of us.
I've found that helpful. That's why I do these weekly ritual challenges to build a natural stopping point throughout the day so that I can check-in and see if I'm falling victim to my to-do list. Again, I talked about it a couple of weeks ago in the Addiction to busy-ness podcast, a similar concept, the idea of posting sticky notes around the house. When you see a sticky note, you check-in, or one of my favorite ideas is setting the alarm on my phone, and it randomly dings; when I hear that ding, I know I need to check.
Start noticing how often your Monger is hammering you when you decide to enjoy some play and rest. Notice what she says, notice the themes of the messages and lovingly ask her to be quiet because you're playing right now, and that's okay.
It is okay not to be going all the time. We are not wired for the constant fight or flight that we put our bodies through. Notice each time you catch yourself getting caught up in the belief system that the more I do, the better I am, and remind yourself that you are good enough.
You are just fine. No matter what you accomplish, that does not make you a better person. The more we accomplish does not equal better. That's just the more we've accomplished. And then ask yourself, what do I want my life to feel like? Is doing helping me feel that way? Does feeling anxious, stressed, and busy make me feel good? Can I step out of this busy mode for five minutes? Just to pause. And as you practice building awareness and taking a break from the go, you will be able to take longer and longer breaks. Five minutes. We'll be 10. We'll be 45. We'll be 90. And over time, your body will recognize how wonderful. How just amazing. It feels not to be pushing yourself all the time.
I was just talking about this with my husband. I value my sleep, and it is something that I take very seriously. I get between eight and nine hours every night. I schedule it that way.
And if I don't have eight or nine hours, I'm a mess. So a couple of weeks ago, we were out late, and I got six hours of sleep, and I was just a wreck. And I said to my husband, I remember back in the day when I would just average six hours of sleep, and I would be totally fine.
Because here's a secret, I have a lot of shame around the fact that I get eight or nine hours of sleep at night, even though I know I feel better. I'm a better person when I get that much sleep. It's better for my body when I get that much sleep. But the looks and the anger that I get from people when I tell them that I get eight or nine hours of sleep is, oh, must be nice to get that much sleep. You must not be doing anything.
Instead of being like way to go, I wish I valued sleep that much! Or how do you do it? Give me some tips on how you get that much sleep each day.
And so I get eight or nine hours asleep, and I belittle myself for it, but I know when I don't get that much sleep, I'm a mess.
My husband and I were talking about how over time, as we've practiced letting go of the busy and jumping off that merry-go-round of busy, we have less capacity to do that. So I think of 10 years ago, I was constantly going, constantly moving.
If I had a headache or a stomach ache, it didn't matter. I just was on to the next thing. And now, I can't do that. I need more breaks. I need more time to rest. Maybe cause I'm ten years older, but also because I just don't have the desire to live like that. It just doesn't bring me joy to be that pushed.
And I think when we get into that habit of pushing, we forget what it feels like to be rested, calm, and have those moments. And so that's why I think these weekly ritual challenges are so important because they remind our bodies what it feels like not to be in fight or flight. They remind our bodies what it's like to be, just to relax.
+ Weekly Ritual Challenge
One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.
This week's ritual: How often do you use the term "Busy"?
Pay attention to how often you use the phrase, busy in your day-to-day life. "Busy" has become the new "fine". Notice how it infiltrates your life, take a breath and a pause.