Season 2 Episode 2: The Monger

In this episode, we take a trip into Nancy’s brain and learn all about her inner self-critique, her Monger.

In this episode, we take a trip into Nancy’s brain and learn all about her inner self-critique. The voice that tells her every day that all the things she’s doing just aren’t good enough. Nancy calls that voice The Monger.

The Monger is at the root of why Nancy started the Happier Approach. She realized that her Monger’s voice is particularly loud. Nancy wonders: do other people, people who really seem to have it together, have loud Mongers too? To answer that question Nancy speaks with Kati Morton, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, and YouTube creator. Kati tells us about her own struggles with the inner critic and gives us some tips on how to quiet that screechy Monger voice. 

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• All about The Monger

• Tips for recognizing the Monger's voice and quieting her.

• Resources and advice from Kati Morton.

• Kati Morton, LMFT holds a Master’s in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University and is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She runs a private practice in Santa Monica, CA. Over the past eight years, Kati has leveraged social media to share mental health information worldwide through video. Her specialties include working with individuals experiencing eating disorders and self-harming behaviors, although she addresses all things related to mental health. 

  Kati is well known for her YouTube channel which now has over 1 Million Subscribers and over 75 million views. In addition to Kati’s YouTube channel and strong presence on social media, she has appeared on KTLA’s Morning News, E! News, CBS The Doctors, Fox 11 Good Day LA, and was showcased in Europe’s highest circulated magazine, Glamour UK. She was also a 2019 Shorty Award finalist as well as a 2019 Streamy nominee. Kati’s first book, Are u ok?: A Guide to Caring for Your Mental Health was released in December 2018.

  Kati’s passion is to increase awareness about mental health. Her online community has expanded to all major internet platforms, allowing her to answer mental health questions from her followers around the world. She hopes by doing this, the global community can push for better services worldwide and remove the stigma associated with getting help.

Resources mentioned:

• Go to katimorton.com.

• Check out Kati's YouTube channel

• Pre-order Kati's forthcoming book Traumatized out September 7, 2021:

• Follow Kati on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter

• Coach in Your Pocket

• The Happier Approach Book

+ Read the Transcript

Kati Morton: You know we overreact. So when, and we all if you’re honest with yourself will pay attention you’ll know when you’re overreacting but sometimes we double down. I am fully overreacting. I’m going all in.

Intro

Music

Nancy : Hey guys, it’s me! Nancy Jane Smith. Welcome back to the Happier Approach, the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships.

In our last episode-- the first episode of our new season WOOHOO!-- I told the story of how the Happier Approach came to be. Where it all started. If you’re a first time listener-- or you missed the episode and you’re curious!-- check it out.

But today we’re going to get very close and personal with the little… eh, little’s not quite right. How about…GINORMOUS! nagging ice in the back of my head that tells me I’m not good enough all day long. I call that ice: my Monger.

Doug It's as if you're in a pool. And there's lifeguards all around you watching you and they're gonna blow the whistle at you as soon as you do something wrong. But there's no lifeguards, and no one's watching you.

Nancy: That’s how my husband Doug describes my Monger. And that is totally accurate. I call her a Monger because she spreads propaganda. She’s like a horrible school marm wrapping my knuckles with a ruler whenever I make a mistake. My Monger points out my insecurities and judges everything I’m doing wrong.

Nancy : My Monger is pretty much at the root of why I started the Happier Approach. Whenever one of the other characters comes into my head, like the BFF or the Biggest Fan, they’re always coming in to rescue me from that snarly, screech-y Monger ice.

Beat/Music

Nancy : I mentioned this in our last episode, but I have a particularly loud Monger. She pops up at the most annoying times, and seizes on the littlest things. The things I should be taking joy in.

Like… making Cornbread Story.

Music

Act I: The Monger in Action

Cornbread Story : So the other night I made chili and we had cornbread with the chili. And I always make the cornbread into muffins. And so it was, they were in the muffin tins. And no matter how much I grease, the muffin tins, the cornbread comes out all crumbly. And to be clear, my husband nor I care about crumbly cornbread, in fact, we even tend to crop up the cornbread and put it in the chili. So it really does not matter in the scheme of things that the corn bread is not whole. But it is something that my mom grew goes crazy about that that is not whole.

Nancy : Yup. My monger goes crazy when I make cornbread. It seems silly, but it’s totally true!

Cornbread Story : so as I was trying to take the knife and pull the corn bread out of the muffin tins, my mother was just going crazy with this as wrong. And I noticed my anxiety getting higher and higher and higher. And I kept saying to myself, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. We don't even use, you know, we crumble the corn bread up, this really doesn't matter. But that didn't help. Like it didn't matter that I was trying to rationalize with my mongar.

Nancy : This is one of the hardest lessons for me to learn about my Monger. When I try to dissect her, or get rid of her by rationalizing… it doesn’t matter! She just comes back into my head, stronger than ever, to tell me again how I’m doing it wrong.

Beat

Nancy : So in terms of this cornbread quote unquote disaster, it doesn’t matter that my husband and I don’t even care what the cornbread looks like. This is the actual problem:

Cornbread Story: It is that I can't get them to be that shape.

Nancy : That perfect, pillowy, muffin shape-- for those of you keeping track at home.

Cornbread Story : And so therefore, I'm doing it wrong. And that was the message of this is my mongers messages usually around, you're doing it wrong. That's a common theme for me. So the fact that here, it had nothing to do with the fact that practically, we don't care about what the cornbread looks like it had to do with the fact that it should look a certain way. And I should be able to make it look perfect. And that I couldn't do that no matter how much I greased the tin or how well I did it was a sign that I was a major loser.

Music out

Nancy : Wow. A major loser. Because the shape of my muffins are a little wonky. Even I can see, that’s HARSH.

Beat

That leaves me circling around this question that I’ve actually wondered about a lot. Why is my Monger so loud around the littlest things? Am I alone here, doomed to obsess over cornbread for eternity, or do other people, people who really seem to have it together, have loud mongers too?

Music lead-in to Act II

Act II: Kati Morton

Kati Morton : Let me turn on the camera here.

Nancy: Okay, my cat is crawling around. I seem to be this is Gus. Okay, so let's just go go. Hi,

This is Kati Morton. She’s a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist... AND a super popular Youtube creator.

Kati Morton : I, to be honest, it's gonna sound kind of funny, but I always get bored at work. And I used to have had a bunch of different jobs. You know, I've been a waitress, a salesperson, a HR rep, I've done all sorts of things. And over the years, every job I took, I was always kind of bored of it. And therapy just never gets boring. People are fascinating. And it's it's a real privilege to get to be on the path with someone as they work to better themselves.

Nancy : On her YouTube channel Kati covers all kinds of topics around mental health.

Kati Morton : What I do on YouTube is just help to educate and empower people help them understand something, maybe they can't understand or decode what therapists say why we say what we say a certain way, or help them better understand a diagnosis, treatment, all that stuff.

Nancy : Kati’s been making videos on YouTube for almost 10 years now.

Kati Morton : Like I came of age in college. When Facebook first started. I had MySpace, so get on my level.

Nancy : Even though she knew her videos would make mental health more approachable to a bunch of people, the task of bringing therapy concepts to YouTube seemed… a little out of her comfort zone.

Kati Morton : I was like, absolutely not. That is weird. I have no, I don't want to be on camera. That's super uncomfortable. What do I do with my hands? I don't even know what if people don't like me.

Nancy : But the more she thought about it-- and the more her then-boyfriend now-husband nudged her towards the idea-- she warmed up to it.

Kati Morton : And, yeah, about six months later, I was like, Okay, I'll do it. But I'll only film one video a week. And that's how it was born.

Nancy : From there Kati built up an audience of over one million subscribers. I know! But even with so much success on her YouTube channel, even she struggled with that nagging ice of self-doubt sometimes.

Nancy : Do you have a loud inner critic ice? personally?

Kati Morton : Yes, I talk pretty candidly or I try to within reason about my own therapeutic work, because I've been in out of therapy since I was 15, which I think is a very important component of being a mental professionals like, not only do I need to know what it's like on the other side, but I also need to know how hard it is to do that internal work.

Kati Morton : I know how hard that is, because I've done it. So I definitely am the type a perfectionist type of person. I never feel like I'm doing enough, right or it's not good enough. And that's a really hard thing to do when you're creating

Nancy : Speaking from person experience, my Monger can be pretty loud when I’m working on creative projects. It was the same way for Kati.

Kati Morton : I think that that is kind of what comes out of that for me is like, Who am I to do this? Well, I don't even know what I'm talking about. People aren't gonna listen, this is stupid. You know, it's kind of that talking down. But the thing that I've realized in the work that I'm trying to do, personally, is to say to myself, in the nicest way possible. Shut up. Stop it. You're only being a jerk to yourself. And this helps no one and it only makes you feel bad. And so it's hard and I sometimes get caught in it, but I've gotten better at recognizing when it's happening.

Kati Morton : So anyways, yeah, I definitely have my own inner critic, and I battle her every day. And she's very stubborn. She's the worst.

Nancy : Once I started embracing that, in my own therapy, practice of being like, I don't know, I mean, I'm just doing the best I can with what I have. And I'm not this person on the hill that has it all figured out. But I start so I call that inner critic ice a mongar. Because mongar spread propaganda, and that is what the mongar is doing. And so, the reason I got into this work personally, is because I believed I realized I believed I needed that ice to get anything done. Like I needed the shame to motivate me.

Kati Morton : First of all, I love monger the spreading propaganda. Because I always tell myself and my audience, a thought is not a fact. Yes. So don't think your thoughts are facts. And then if you're looking for evidence, another thought doesn't is not evidence.

Kati Morton : I think it's kind of the No pain, no gain societal norm, that we have all subscribed to it, for better or for worse, because we think that in order to be successful, or to be valued. We think we have to suffer for it.

Nancy : But I realized, you know, I have a very loud inner critic, you know, my husband calls her the demon within and, and I realized, yes, I think everyone has an inner critic, but not everyone has that demon ice. Why do you think people have louder ices than others?

Kati Morton : I think part of it is the way we were raised. And I know people are like therapists always blame childhood. Well, that's because a lot of shit happens in childhood.

Nancy : Amen to that.

Kati Morton : And I think that we learn from our parents and our caregivers and our family. That, like, I'll even be honest, I can remember times and my mom kind of like talking herself down about things like,

Music

Kati Morton : I used to love how much faith she'd have in me like we were just talking the other day about how I won this coloring contest. And I loved to color as a kid, but I'm not a drawer, my brother's the artistic drawer one, and I can fill it in, okay. And part of this current contest was, oh, he had to draw something new to color it in. And I told her I don't draw. And she's like, Well, yeah, you can just make a scribble and then make sense of it, you could do that. And she was always at what you can do that, yeah, just do it. With herself she wasn't. And so it's kind of like this mixed message around like, I can't, so you have to. So I internalize that is like, Oh, I have to be the one that rises above like the hero child like does everything perfectly, and all of that. And I think that for a lot of us, we have different stories either our parents told us things weren't good, or teachers or we were bullied or things like that. And we internalize that.

Beat

Kati Morton : I think that this inner critic, this monger this, this shit talker, looks through all those lenses constantly in therapy is like, No, no, no, let's take those lenses away. They're not doing it you can't even see anymore. And it's really hard to do that then because we feel so scared. Like, personally, when I do something that's against my inner critic. I think you're just going to regret this. It'd be terrible. It's going to blow up.

Nancy : How do you? How do we fix it? What are some strategies you have for overcoming this? Or quieting this loud inner critic ice?

Kati Morton : That's the crazy wonderful, beautiful thing about therapy is therapy is almost like an art because there's so many different ways in it's like we have a door with like 17 locks on it. If you open one of them, they all open and so there's all these different ways in

Kati Morton : I can visualize all those locks. Like I have all these different keys and one key might be easier for you to find. So don't think that this is just the only way in. But for me, I always thought that I needed to shut her up. She was abusive. She was terrible. I hated that part of myself which just spun into like a snowball of more shame and guilt and shit talking

Music

Kati Morton : But my inner critic is actually scared me. She's a younger me, she's a little, she's worried about future me, she's trying to protect me, it actually comes out of a love and a need for protection that she tries to keep me down to help me fit where I already have fit. Not knowing that I could outgrow that and want to move into something else. And I think when I start to view that in that lens through that lens, I can see you're just throwing a tantrum. And what do we do when a child is tantruming? Sure, we can reprimand them. And that's what I've been doing. For years, I've been reprimanding her. How dare you, you've embarrassed me Stop it. But what we know is actually more effective. Anybody who has had children, if you can help them to speak, to share in some way, what they're going through,

Kati Morton : We're looking at like a branch on the tree that has grown and I need to track it back. Because chances are, at least for in my experience, and for my inner critic, or inner monger. She is just worried. And she's stressed about letting people down and hurting herself. And so if I can acknowledge that, then that's the start of the work, right? Because then I can say, Well, how can I assuage her fears about this? How can I calm her? What are things that could be soothing?

Music out

Nancy : Heck. Yes. Acknowledging the feelings that my Monger is pointing to even if they seem irrational-- THAT’S been a game changer for me when it comes to communicating with her. Like Kati said, usually my Monger is just scared that I’m not going to be okay. And I have to remind her that she-- we-- are safe. Even if we’re not perfect all the time.

Act III

Nancy : Let’s return to the Great Cornbread Disaster of 2021, shall we?

Beat

Nancy : After I had my initial freakout about the shape of my cornbread muffins not turning out perfectly even though they were just going to be all crumbled up into a big bowl of chili… I took some time to think. To tap into what my Monger was really upset about.

Cornbread Story : And then finally I had the AHA of Oh, it isn't, it isn't about what I'm upset about is the fact that I can't do it perfectly that that they aren't looking perfect.

Cornbread Story : But once I was able to figure out Aha, it is this idea of it has to be perfect. I was like okay, but it's not perfect. I didn't do it perfectly. It's not going to be perfect. I'm going to be okay with that. And the minute I kind of realized, Oh, I'm just it isn't perfect. I'm okay with that was a huge, everything kind of relaxed and my mongar kind of went quiet.

Nancy : It wasn’t rationalizing or trying to reason with my Monger that calmed her down. Just like if she was a little kid who got upset about a big scary monster under the bed-- telling her THE MONSTER ISN’T REAL DUMMY isn’t going to make her any less afraid. In fact it’d probably make her more upset!

Cornbread Story : So I say, Ah, I don't care that the corn bread isn't perfect, because it doesn't have to be perfect because we're just going to crumble it in the chili. But in reality it is.

Beat

Nancy : Instead, I looked at her fear, and accepted it. I’m afraid I’m not perfect? Well, turns out: I’m not! Once I let myself be okay with that little fact, the Monger quieted down.

Cornbread Story : You're right. The cornbread isn't perfect, and that does drive me crazy, but it's not. So we’ve got to move on.

Outro

Nancy : It is hard giving myself a break like that. Even taking the time to sit with myself and really understand why my Monger is being so loud. It’s a constant process. And I’m getting better at it. The more I practice, the more I have faith that there will be less stressful batches of cornbread in my baking future. Pillowy muffins be damned!

Nancy : Cornbread is such a small example, but because it’s kind of ridiculous, I think it’s a good way to show how the Monger can show up in the silliest places where you least expect her and wreak hac on your feelings of self-worth.

Nancy : But now at least, I know that even if my cornbread muffins crumble, instead of pushing my Monger away by rationalizing my disappoint, I can acknowledge my Monger’s fears and let her know that sometimes it’s okay if things aren’t totally perfect, 100% of the time. I am human! I make crumbly cornbread! And that is O K.

Beat/music

That’s it for this week’s episode! Next time we’re going to focus on another familiar frenemy of the Happier Approach. The ice that’s always trying to save me from my Monger, but butting in with a little too much leniency.

My let’s-procrastinate-all-day-because-you-deserve-it, have that third glass of wine, hit the snooze button for the fifth time this morning, conspirator in all things self-indulgent: my BFF.

That’s next time on the Happier Approach.

Music out

Nancy : The Happier Approach is produced by Nicki Stein and me, Nancy Jane Smith. Music provided by Pod5 and Epidemic Sound. And if you like the show, leave us a review on iTunes! It actually helps us out a lot.

Special thanks to Kati Morton for speaking with us for this episode. She has a new book coming out in September called Traumatized that you can pre-order now. You can subscribe to her YouTube channel to hear more of her brilliance, or go to www.katimorton.com to learn more about her work. Links are in the show notes.

The Happier Approach will be back with another episode in two weeks. Take care, until then.

Music out

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Season 2 Episode 1: Hi I'm Nancy

In this episode, the first of our new season, we go back to the beginning to learn how The Happier Approach all started.

This is a great episode to listen to if you're just learning about the podcast. If you're a longtime listener, you'll get the in-depth story of how Nancy started her journey toward self-loyalty, catalyzed by a public talk at a wine shop, as well as a personal tragedy.

You'll hear from all the major characters in Nancy's life, her husband Doug, her best friend Mary, her mom Jane, and even her dad Ted. Each of them remembers, along with Nancy, how she came to recognize her Monger and her BFF, and rally her Biggest Fan to start her journey toward self-loyalty.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• The origins of The Happier Approach.

• A primer on the major characters of The Happier Approach: the Monger, the BFF, and The Biggest Fan.

• The story of the beginning of Nancy's personal journey toward self-loyalty.

Resources mentioned:

• Coach in Your Pocket

• The Happier Approach Book

+ Read the Transcript

Doug: If I could say anything to the monger and have it actually listen to me it would be go away about certain topics like go away about making bread. We don’t need to have monger-bread every time you make bread. So I’d be like, Monger, get on your train and go to wherever breadland is and pic someone else.

NANCY : Hey guys, it’s me. Nancy Jane Smith. Welcome back to a new season of The Happier Approach, the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships.

Music

If you’re a longtime listener, this season is gonna be just a little bit different. Think of it like a journey. I’m Dorothy and we’re not in Kansas anymore. You’re following me down the yellow brick road to the magical land of self-loyalty and along the way we’re gonna run into all our old friends and frenemies: The Monger, the BFF, and the Biggest Fan.

And if you’re a new listener who’s like, “Uh… self-loyal-who?” and “What’s a Monger!?” No worries! Because we’re gonna start the story of The Happier Approach all the way at the beginning.

So click your ruby slippers, put Toto in your picnic basket, and follow me.

Act I: Doug meets Nancy’s monger

Nancy So you're gonna hold your phone up like this? off to the side to the speaker. Yeah, like, here's speaker.

Fade under

NANCY: This is a guy who knows me really well.

Doug Well, I'm Doug Harris. Husband of Nancy Jane Smith, her nearest and dearest, if you will.

NANCY: Doug’s seen me at my best…

Doug My first impression of Nancy Jane Smith. Was... gotta go with the laugh?

[insert Nancy laugh]

Doug Yeah, I mean, how can you just enjoy it? How can you not be attracted to that laugh?

Nancy You're so sweet. [laughs]

NANCY : And… he’s seen me at my worst.

Nancy How and when did you get introduced to my monger?

Doug

mean, I think as soon as you meet Nancy's monger, when she's signing the check, she's like, how much should I tip this person? I know what they deserve. And I know what I would do if I was them. But I'm just gonna write this number. I'm like, great. You did a great job. You've done a wonderful service to this server. Excellent. But do you think it's the right number? Yes, I agree

NANCY : My monger is the mean ice in my head that makes me second guess myself. The obsessive part of me. The part of me that tells me I’ll never be good enough.

Doug I understand that I would go with a big heavy weighted blanket that keeps you down from moving anywhere

Nancy So what are some of my tells? You said deep sighs but

Doug mostly, they're physical like, rocking back and forth, usually. She'll rock back and forth, like 18 inches, on a big monger day.

NANCY : And my monger? She can be REALLY loud.

Doug It's as if you're in a pool. And there's lifeguards all around you watching you and they're gonna blow the whistle at you as soon as you do something wrong. But there's no lifeguards, and no one's watching you.

NANCY : For a lot of my adult life, that’s exactly how I felt. I had this internal commentary constantly telling me how I could improve myself and what I was doing wrong. Telling me that if I wasn’t careful the outside world would find out what a lazy, anti-social, obsessive failure I was.

Music

NANCY : When I became a counselor I was fascinated with the idea of the inner critic, the ice of self-doubt and criticism. AKA the ice I ended up calling The Monger.

When I started writing and presenting about the Monger, everything clicked. People resonated with that obsessive ice of self-doubt. I wasn’t alone. Other people had mongers too.

Sound design (wine shop)

One day, I did a presentation about the Monger at a local wine shop. Going into the presentation I felt excited. Super confident because I was about to share a Monger antidote with my audience, a ice I called The Biggest Fan. She was the Monger’s opposite: a wise cheerleader who always had my back. By listening to the Biggest Fan I could make my Monger quiet.

After my presentation a friend came up to me and said, “I loved that presentation. But I’m not going to do anything you said to do because I NEED my Monger. I need that mean ice or I won’t get anything done.”

And BOOM.

There it was. The belief that I’d unconsciously held for so long. I needed that ice. I needed the Monger. I felt a mix of relief and shame. Relief that I wasn’t the only one who believed I needed the Monger, and shame because I felt like I was presenting about something I didn’t fully understand.

That moment was enough to make that Monger antidote ice, my Biggest Fan, get quiet again. I stopped talking about the Monger. And for a while, I let her run my life.

Beat

That is, until my dad got sick.

Music

Act II: Ted

Video Nancy: Okay Teddy

Video It is July 19th 2015. Mom: Is this on?

NANCY : This is an interview I recorded with my dad, Ted Smith, a few years after he was diagnosed with Parkinsons and dementia.

Video N: What comes to mind when you think about growing up in Columbus?

Video Ted: living on a farm and working on a farm

NANCY : I wanted to record some of his memories, to freeze him in time as the larger-than-life character I’d always known.

Beat

Video how did you meet your wife and how did you know she was the one?

Video I met my wife in a sunday school class at united methodist church Mom: cause i wore the pink dress? I don't know I just got the impression that she was the one. Nancy: that's such a romantic answer. Screw you LAUGHS.***

NANCY : Of course, my mom’s one of the people who knew dad best. And loved him, idiosyncrasies and all.

Nancy Did you kill the bottle?

Jane Yeah, but it was not. It wasn't full.

Is this on?

Fade under

Jane My name is Jane Smith.

Jane Nancy Jane Smith is my dear darling daughter.

Beat

Jane Ted was three years older than I was, and my sister was two years older and she and her friends. They were all all about Ted, and he dated all of them. In fact, I counted, I think 20 people that he dated before he dated me.

Jane And Ted knew what he wanted. And he, he had, he had his rules.

Jane everything had to be done. quote unquote, perfect, you know,

Nancy to his expectations

Jane I will say that he was very direct. And he always spoke his mind. And

Nancy even if it was inappropriate,

Jane Oh Yes Definitely

Nancy Laughs

Beat

Doug I remember Ted being a really good guy. I remember him being old and proud.

NANCY : That’s my husband Doug again. He and my dad had a good, odd couple kind of relationship. They were sort of opposites. But they got along really well.

Doug he always wished for the good old days back when he was mowing the yard or whatever you did at that house for fun. But very proud and never quite good enough. Which was bizarre. It never quite made sense to me, I'm like, you're a fully accomplished man.

Video Well... I never really accomplished that much I guess. For somebody to look at me and say you're this person, I don't think I've ever done that. I don't know, I don't wanna be like that.

NANCY : My dad got sick around the same time I had that revelation about my Monger. You know, the one where I thought I needed a mean ice in my head to survive? And spending so much time with my dad, I started to recognize the ice of the Monger in him.

Video you have to watch out. People are not honest. So you have to protect yourself, try to raise your kids so they can protect themselves and you protect yourself.

NANCY : Seeing the Monger in my dad broke my heart. Here was a man I adored. He was in his late 70s, strong, intelligent, resourceful, and kind. And all he could talk about were his failures.

Jane he was very rigid,

NANCY : That’s my mom again.

Nancy even like, we'd go to fancy resorts, and he would pull out his bran flakes and yet Grape Nuts. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And he would eat that instead of eating the buffet or whatever, cuz that's what he ate.

Nancy he couldn't eat the crap that was at the buffet, right?

Music

Nancy So what do you remember about his dad's illness?

Jane his illness was long, I mean, long standing.

Doug Yeah, it's like, Ted was the sun and then the sun went out. And so Nancy didn't know what to do. She was a solar powered individual

Nancy : My dad’s death brought me to my knees. It was… devastating. He was a guiding force for me and without him I felt lost.

Nancy because dad the grief over dad was so great. That for the first time. Yeah, for the first time, I couldn't ignore my feelings. Yeah.

Beat

Jane I get a lot of tears in my eyes, you know, and when I look at the Cardinals out, you know, I know that Ted is there, his spirit, you know, I, you know, I know that he is with me. And even though I tell him that I wish he was here. And, and I, but, but he isn't, but I know he's here in spirit.

NANCY : After my dad died I decided a way to honor him was to figure out once and for all how to quiet this Monger ice. This ice that had plagued him, and tortured me. I was going to find a way to shut down the Monger once and for all.

Music

Act III: The birth of the happier approach

Mary Teddy came in my office. And literally, I don't even know if he said hi. He said, You need to break up your boyfriend.

Mary Oh, I started laughing when I thought about this because I'm like, I was like, Who is this guy?

NANCY : This is Mary, one of my oldest, best friends. She knew my dad too, and she watched me struggle after he died.

Nancy So do you see some of him in me?

Mary You think [Laugh]

Mary yes the rules and the ices and the same I'm sure beating yourself up even though to me he seemed like this you know like my dad we want to see them as this big competent person but um but I think he was probably driven by the demons that you are as well with you know, go go go and you got to do better all the time.

Nancy Did you see a link between that and me writing the book?

Mary I think it brought the mongar front and center and brought it to life.

Mary I think since it kind of controlled you and him now that he was gone.

Mary You needed to dissect it and really bring it bring it to life it could no longer basically just go unanswered.

NANCY : My grief over my Dad was all-consuming and writing the Happier Approach was one way I could channel it. I told myself that if I was going to write a book I was going to be 100% honest. No more pretending that something might work when it wasn’t working for me. I was going to own how hard self-acceptance was.

Mary I think you told me you're going to kind of lay out the ices in your head.

Mary And then it was so cool, because you really did dissect your, your three parts of you that are constantly talking

NANCY : Those three ices: the mean Monger, the overindulgent BFF, and the wise Biggest Fan, are the main characters in the Happier Approach. AKA the ices that are constantly cross-talking in my head. And getting to know them has been the key to overcoming my Monger.

Music

Nancy So how would you say do you think it's made a difference in me?

Mary Yes.

Nancy I was a little nerus you were gonna be like, No,

Mary no, I definitely do.

Mary I think you do accept yourself more and see, you know, who you are in a much better light than you used to.

Beat

Doug I hate to say it wrote itself, because I wasn't the one typing it by any means. I was just sitting downstairs and she's typing upstairs. Probably crying.

NANCY : Cue my husband Doug again.

Doug , like you just dove into your brain, and your intellect your experience, and you put it down.

Nancy But looking back, it was it did kind of write itself. Like I felt like it. Like sometimes I'll read that book and be like, Oh, my God, I can't believe I wrote this, you know, because it, I think some of that was just I was so all encompassed by grief that I don't remember the struggle of writing it. But also, my mongar was pretty quiet during that process.

NANCY : THAT was the wildest part of writing the Happier Approach. Even though the characters and the methodology just flew out of me and onto the page, the actual, craziest, part was that the whole time my Monger was: quiet.

Beat

She showed up from time to time but she didn’t stick around long. And I think it’s because while I wrote the book, I was being radically honest with myself. In other words, I was practicing self-loyalty. Finally listening to that wise ice of the Biggest Fan way in the back of my head. And bringing her up to her rightful place: front and center.

Music

NANCY : That’s our quest this season on the Happier Approach: to shine a spotlight on that self-loyal ice. We’re going to get to know each of those cross-talking characters: The Monger, the BFF, and the Biggest Fan. We’ll talk to experts in neuroscience, ex-journalists, and labyrinth-builders to learn how to tap into that wise inner ice of the Biggest Fan, and hop, skip, jump into the magical land of self-loyalty. A place where the Monger is quiet, and the Biggest Fan is queen. I’ll be learning right alongside you. And honestly, I can’t wait to get started.

Music

NANCY : When I had that recent conversation with my mom, she brought out a copy of the Happier Approach, and flipped to the acknowledgements page.

Jane And then I looked up your acknowledgments I thought, Oh, you wrote my mom. You acknowledged me. In your book. You

NANCY : She reminded me who this book, this podcast, the whole Happier Approach is for.

Jane then you said, Thank you for giving me the gifts of roots and wings. And then you said for your dad, you taught me the power, integrity, perseverance and showing up. You were the inspiration for the book. I only wish were here to read it. And I miss you every day.

NANCY : So... thanks dad. And thank you for listening.

Music

Outro

NANCY : The Happier Approach is produced by Nicki Stein and me, Nancy Jane Smith. Music by Pod5. And if you like the show, leave us a review on iTunes! It actually helps us out a lot. We’ll be back with another episode in two weeks. Take care until then.

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Episode 159: A Weekend in the Life of High Functioning Anxiety

In this episode, I recorded the times when my anxiety was exceptionally high this past weekend. My goal was to share what was happening—and how I felt about it—to give a behind-the-scenes look at how HFA plays out in your life and what to do about it.

For many of us with High Functioning Anxiety, we have a hard time noticing when we are anxious. Our anxiety is usually swimming around in our heads WELL before we consciously notice it. 

For me, I can say I’m fine, I’m not feeling anxious then poof—I explode at my husband for leaving something out of place and realize how high my anxiety is and I didn’t even realize it. In a similar vein, my clients tell me their HFA shows up when they can’t sleep at night because of their racing thoughts.

The truth is: we all have default patterns we fall into.

Many of us have “go-to” behaviors to express our anxiety that we either inherited genetically or that we learned from a young age: behaviors we engage in and beliefs that we get stuck on. Some of these patterns might be overeating, overthinking, people-pleasing, insomnia, over-analyzing, or assuming you are wrong.

HFA is sneaky—and it shows up in the most strange and uncomfortable ways. To illustrate, I decided to record the times when my anxiety was exceptionally high this past weekend. My goal was to share what was happening—and how I felt about it—so you could get a behind-the-scenes look at how HFA plays out in your life and what to do about it.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• The 6 situations that triggered my high functioning anxiety and my response to them

• Healthier ways to approach your HFA—and why practicing A.S.K. to quiet your Monger is important (listen to this episode to learn all about the 3 steps of A.S.K.)

• What a wrestling match between your Monger and BFF can look like

• How many of my default patterns tie back to messages I swallowed as a kid

Resources mentioned:

• Coach In Your Pocket

• The Happier Approach Book

+ Read the Transcript

Nancy: Coping with stress and anxiety is different. When you have high functioning anxiety is sneaky. It shows up in the most strange and uncomfortable ways to illustrate what I mean this past weekend, I decided to record those times when my anxiety was exceptionally high. To share what was happening and how I was feeling.

So you could get up behind the scenes, look at how high functioning anxiety plays out and what to do about it. You're listening to the happier approach, the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed hustle and a cheap at the price of our inner peace in relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith.

For many of us with high functioning anxiety, we have a hard time noticing when we are anxious. Our anxiety might be swimming in our heads. Before we notice it, I know I can say, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm not feeling anxious. And then poof, I will explode at my husband for leaving something out of place and realize, oh wow.

My anxiety is really high right now. And they didn't even recognize it. I hear it all the time from my clients. Who are fine all day. And then at night they can't sleep and their thoughts are racing while they're trying to relax. We all have those default patterns. We fall into our go-to behaviors for expressing our anxiety that we either inherited genetically or have been drilled into us from a young age behaviors.

We engage in beliefs. We have ideas that we get stuck on when our anxiety is high. Some of these patterns might be overeating, overthinking people, pleasing insomnia, over analyzing, or assuming. You will hear an example of most of these default patterns as I talk, the key to reducing anxiety is to notice when your default pattern is a play and then take it out.

I confess, I was hesitant to share openly this window into my anxiety because my monger tells me I'm an expert in high functioning anxiety. Therefore I should be healed, but I decided to go with my biggest fan who tells me because you're an expert in high functioning anxiety. It can't be healed, but it can be calmed.

It doesn't have to run. The key is to close the gap of when your anxiety is running the show too. When you notice that it's running the show, the longer we let our default patterns run amuck, the longer we will be living in a state of anxiety too often, we engage in the BFF versus Munger wrestling match.

This happens when our anxiety is unchecked and our monger is criticizing and belittling us and to get relief, our BFF comes in to tell us, don't worry. Everything is fine. We know our monger is wrong and we know our BFF is wrong, but we allow them to fight back and forth.

Keeping us in a state of anxiety. Closing the gap means we notice this wrestling match and then we practice ask to bring in the biggest fan practicing ask means acknowledge what is really going on, acknowledging your feelings, slowing down and getting into your body. Doing a full body movement and kindly pulling back to see the big picture.

You will hear me describe this wrestling match. In my first example, bright and early, when my monger and BFF were arguing about me getting out of bed.

So I was laying in bed this morning and going back and forth between I should get up. You should sleep in. You should sleep in. You have the morning off, keep sleeping in. No, get up, be productive, do something that's important. Don't just lay here. You should get up. And then my mind started racing to all the things I could do and all the things I should be spending my time.

Until I finally gave up and just got up, and this is a common one for me. If I wake up, I have a hardest time getting back to sleep. Cause my mom is just get up. What's your problem. Get up. You have so much to do. And my BFF is stay in bed. It's so warm. Who cares? And I just lay there, going back and forth between the two.

I just lay there, going back and forth, going back and forth until finally I'm finally. Fan steps in to be like, you're awake now. So let's get up and do something. And inevitably, I feel better when I get up. I recognize this. And sometimes I just get up and go to the bathroom and come back to bed. But this morning I actually got up, made my coffee, did the whole thing, because it's just helpful to, to bring in the biggest fan.

Anytime you can get out of that fight between the monger and the BFF and the monger and the BFF. Next step was a few hours later when I caught myself spinning about wearing a mask, a common thing for me, listen, closely to why this is a thing for me and see if you can. Okay. So I just got back from walking the dog and as I was walking the dog, which is one of my favorite things to do in the world, I noticed my anxiety was through the roof.

As I'm walking through the little college campus that is near our house. And I know they have a mask mandate at that college campus and frequent. In the rare event that I see a person walking around the college campus between 7:00 AM and 6:00 AM. I will see them wearing a mask. And I don't carry a mask when I'm walking the dog because I rarely see people.

But when I walk through the college, I freak out because I don't have my mask on. I have been avoiding it at college, even though that is one of our favorite places to walk for this reason. And so today, as I was walking through the college, I actually remembered to bring my mask and I was wearing it and I thought, oh my gosh, the amount of mental energy I have spent in obsessing.

About wearing a mask through the college campus when no one is there is amazing to me. Like it is a lot of energy that I obsess about. And so when I was thinking about it today, it was the idea of what will they think of me. I'm not following the rules. I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do. And it really triggers that little girl in me who loved following the rule.

I loved being rewarded for doing it right. Getting the right thing and doing it the best way. And following the rules, which is one reason, this COVID thing is so hard, which is a whole other story. But. This really reminded me how that is such a big part of my life. And so I realized that all I have to do is carry the mask as I'm walking wherever.

And if I run into someone, I can put the mask on and it isn't a big deal, but I will get stuck. And this is where you go back and forth between the monger and the BFF, the monger, and the BFF. I go back and forth between. The Munger being like, you gotta be a good girl and wear the mask. Like you're not following the rules.

You're going to get in trouble. Someone's going to find you. Oh my gosh. They're gonna yell at you. Do my BFF being like, don't worry about it. No, one's out. This is no big deal. Stop being such a rule follower. Come on. You need to be less. And

those two voices were going back and forth as they have, anytime I come close to that college campus with the dog.

And so today I finally was like, just bring the mask, have the mask. And if you run into someone, throw the mask on. And so I almost didn't come on here to share this one because it's so silly, but I think that's why you can hopefully relate because it's so silly. The mental energy we spend between arguing between the monger and the BFF instead of just being.

I'm just going to wear a mask. And if I'm a rule follower, I'm a rule follower. And if I don't run into anyone, I have a mask who cares. It's freeing. When you can acknowledge, what's really going on. This story is a great example of the mental energy anxiety can take up if it goes unchecked and how powerful those default messages are being the good girl and following the rules is always a tough message for me, even when it is 6:00 AM.

And there's no one around to enforce the rule. Now onto the next example, when a client didn't show. So this morning feeling a little anxious, a client didn't show for our video session, and then. Sparks my, I must've done something wrong anxiety. Like I must have handled it wrong, or I must not have sent the right link or I must have gotten the right time.

I'm always assuming I'm the one that's getting it wrong. And so my anxiety is super high stressing about that and trying to figure out how can I reach them. I reached out to them. I didn't hear anything back. So I'm sure, my biggest fan is being like it's on them. They miss the link.

Things happened. It's no big deal. I did not make the mistake, but that is always my backup. Yeah, I'm the one that made the mistake. So that is where I really try pulling back, looking at the bigger picture and seeing a different way of looking at it. And then to update this one, the client did make the mistake and they didn't get up in time.

And that's why they weren't there. And it was a super easy explanation, which is 99% of the time, how it turns out a super easy explanation. And so me having to stop that over analysis and assuming I'm getting it wrong is a powerful way for me to handle that anxiety. A common default for me is always assuming I did something wrong.

I think some of this comes from that good girl pattern I talked about with the mask, the idea that my worthiness is based on me being perfect all the time. So if something doesn't happen, it must be my fault to combat this default pattern. I have a sticky note on my computer that reads stop.

Assuming you are always wrong, which has made a huge difference in combating this default anxiety. Yeah. Next up it's lunchtime and I didn't want to take a break. This is one way high functioning anxiety commonly shows up for me. It is 1230. I have not accomplished as much this morning as my brain has told me I should, or my monger has told me I should.

So here I am and I'm hungry and it's lunchtime. So I want to power through. I want to keep going. I want to hit a place where I can feel comfortable and know that I've accomplished enough. And I know that place isn't going to come. Especially when I'm hungry, that place, isn't going to come period, which is about me recognizing this imaginary line that I think I'm going to get to.

At some point it doesn't exist. There will not be a place today where I feel yay. I checked enough things off the list, not in the mood I'm in, not with the anxiety I have running around. So my tendency, my desire. How I usually do it is to just to keep pushing and all that will leave me to do is feel more.

Stressed more anxious and less, or the, and so the, what I need to do, which is the opposite of what I want to do right now is to get up from my chair, go downstairs, eat lunch, get into my body, check in with how I'm feeling and do all that stuff that I talk about all the time that I don't want to do. So this is a prime example of how.

Intellectually knowing what you need to do versus the voice of anxiety and the voice of the monger telling me to keep pushing and pushing those things are at war right now. And so I need to take control, bring in my biggest fan, walk myself downstairs and get some nourishment. So happy. I caught this moment of anxiety because this happens all the freaking time.

And this is why I always preach about being kind to yourself and self loyalty, because without those two practices, I'd probably still be sitting at my desk trying to get to a point where I will have accomplished enough that my anxiety will be. It is more than just having a knowing stress management techniques because without self loyalty and kindness, I would never stop long enough to practice the stress management techniques.

This was always my issue with all the self care messages out there. First, you have to feel worthy enough to care for yourself. For years, I would recognize that I was stressed and I should be doing some type of self care, but because I believe the voice of my monger that said, keep going. I never implemented them.

It wasn't until I actually developed a loyal teacher, myself, that I could notice the stress and realize that I was never going to accomplish enough to quilt my anxiety. I had to get up out of the chair and change what I was doing. Oh, and a quick update. I did go downstairs and eat lunch. I did some stretches and I came back to my desk more refreshed.

It still wasn't a high productivity day for me, but I was able to accomplish stuff without beating myself up. This incident took place the next day when I had the afternoon off. Okay. So today is a common way to my anxiety plays out in. It is in the way that I think that high functioning anxiety really gets to our worthiness.

And so having a day where I have nothing planned can be very anxiety producing. And today I just had the afternoon where I had nothing planned. And so the idea of doing something that doesn't require that isn't productive, that doesn't have an end goal that doesn't get me something. And just something that I really want to do when my anxiety is high.

It's even harder to do those things. And so that idea that I have to be doing something productive and I have to be worthy and I have to be, making sure that I'm getting stuff done. And so a lot of times when my anxiety is high, I don't have the energy to fight that I don't have the energy to bring in my biggest fan consistently and really go after something that I want to do, like reading or baking or doing something that just has no meaning other than it brings me joy.

And. When I'm when my anxiety is high and I try to do one of those activities, my monger and my BFF for just hammering me and that, world wrestling Federation match between the monger and the BFF comes out. And so I try to pull it back and I'll end it. Doing nothing numbing out in front of the TV or you don't give you my brain arrest by playing video games.

And I don't know, I don't know if that's okay or if I should be doing it differently, but that's how I know when my anxiety is high. That's how I give myself a pass. And then there are times when I can go in and I can bring in my biggest fan and I can read, and I can do something that I really want to do because my anxiety.

Isn't as high that day. And so that's an ongoing thing that I can continually working on is really fighting that idea that everything I have to do has to be productive and efficient and worthy. And so this example is an example that is ongoing for me, that I'm continually fighting. I've noticed during COVID.

Doing nothing idea has been even harder for me. I'm assuming it's because of increased anxiety and I'm trying to be kind to myself as I move through this. This is my way of handling it for now. And it is something I'm aware of being attentional around, moving back and forth between being kind, giving myself the past and knowing I don't want TV and playing games on my phone to be a way of life.

So I'm challenging myself to pull out of that in little ways during my time off. Baby steps with this one, for sure. And my last example is another one of those default patterns that is on repeat. So I'm a little late in recording. This one actually happened last night, but this is a common scenario for me because I tend to fall asleep in the evenings.

I tend to fall asleep before nine. If I can make it to nine 30, it's like a big day for me. And, I get up early in the morning, but still, I wish I could stay awake longer at night and because my husband is a night out and I would like to be able to spend more time with him in the evenings and I just can't do it.

And so every night, I either fall asleep on the couch or I drag myself upstairs and my monger is just hammering me for the fact that I can't stay up, that I can't handle it. And so even though my husband has said to me, I'm care that you can't, it does not bother me that you go to bed early, but man, for some reason it is one of those messages that is stuck in my brain.

That I'm a terrible person because I can't stay awake. And so I think. That for me is there's another one of those ongoing that I'm constantly bringing in my biggest fan to remind me it doesn't matter. This isn't a big deal. The only person that's affects is your husband. And he has said it doesn't affect him.

So when we get those hardwired messages, and I think I got that probably as a little kid, that a cooler person can stay up later and I'm not a cool person, but when we get those default messages, it really keeps us stuck and that can really be challenged. I know some of my default patterns are related to messages.

I swallowed as a kid, not based in rationality, not based in any fact, but I can remember as a kid that the cooler kids always stayed up late. And because I had an early bedtime, I wasn't cool. And so this insecurity comes out as anxiety. When I fall asleep on the couch, I sometimes have a hard time going to sleep because I'm spinning in my head about it.

And then inevitably my biggest fan comes in to say, chill out. You aren't a kid, you are a grown woman who gets to go to bed whenever she wants without criticism. So often our mongers play those tapes, those default patterns over and over. And unless we catch them and stop them, they will play. They're causing more and more anxiety.

We have to stop them using ask. The biggest issue I see with high functioning anxiety is we tend to tell ourselves this is just how it is. Or we berate ourselves for feeling anxious. I hope this podcast episode helped you feel less alone. I hope it'll help you notice when your monger is talking, when you're engaged in a default pattern and give you hope that feeling anxious.

It isn't just how it is. My anxiety obviously still plays a role in my life. But it doesn't run my life anymore. These examples I gave from this past weekend would have ruined my mood a few years ago. They would have changed my weekend in a huge way. Now I can notice I'm feeling anxiety, practice, ask, and know that this isn't a permanent state.

This is just an experience I'm having because my default patterns are kicking. Thank you so much for being here and listening. If you like, what you hear, please share it with others. You think would be interested or leave a review on apple podcasts

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Episode 157: Unhooking the Lie that You Need to be Mean to Yourself

In this episode, I chat with my friend Jamie In this episode, Jamie about her anxiety and how her Monger shows up in her life, and ways your Monger might show up in your life, too.

For those of us with high functioning anxiety, the voice of our inner Monger is loud. 

It’s the voice that tells us we’ll never succeed. 

It’s the voice that tells us we’re an imposter and we’re mere moments away from being found out. 

It’s an internal voice of belittling and nastiness. It consistently makes us feel like we aren’t enough. 

For those of us with exceptionally loud Mongers, we can’t WAIT for the day that our Monger disappears. And while we’d like to silence that inner critic once and for all, what happens if you feel like you’d never get anything done without your Monger? What do you do then?

That’s exactly what my dear friend Jamie told me… and it sparked an epiphany. I needed to get to the root of why my own Monger was so belittling, shaming, and mean—and why I believed that I needed that voice. In this episode, Jamie and I are chatting about her anxiety and how her Monger shows up in her life, and ways your Monger might show up in your life, too.

To learn more about the Monger, listen to Episode 110: The Voices In Your Head—The Monger

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• How Jamie brings her own sense of humor to the many rules and rigidities we have in dealing with our anxiety

• The different ways that our Monger can show up: mean and relentless or critical and pushy and ways our Monger can shame us and keep us stuck in all areas of our lives

• How Jamie realized that her Monger would never fully go away but instead she could make her part of the team

Resources mentioned:

• Coach In Your Pocket

• The Happier Approach Book

+ Read the Transcript

Nancy: Have you ever had a conversation with someone that sparked an aha moment that helped you see yourself in a whole new light? I had one of those conversations a couple of years ago with a dear friend of mine after I'd done a presentation on mongers. First, let me back up a little bit. For years, I taught about the monger, and I was fascinated by this concept of the inner critic because my inner critic was driving me crazy. She was constantly talking to me, and constantly telling me what to do, and constantly making me feel like crap. I'd done some research on what to do with the monger, and I was teaching about it and talking about it in a variety of different places, but none of it was really working for me in my own life. But, I hadn't admitted that to myself. I guess a part of me was just hoping one day it would click and, poof, my monger would be gone.

So, back to the conversation. I was doing this presentation at a local wine bar on the subject of mongers. It was an open presentation to the public, but a number of my friends came there to support me. And after the presentation, one of my closest friends, Jamie, came up to me to say, "Oh, my gosh. Love the presentation. You're an amazing presenter. And I'm not going to do anything you said because I really need my monger. If I didn't have my monger, I wouldn't get anything done." We laughed, and joked, and ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, and we went about our business.

Then, later as I got home, I realized Jamie was right. I really believed I needed my monger, too. I had this secret love affair with my monger. After that conversation, I realized all the material I was sharing, it wasn't working. All the stuff I was talking about, it wasn't fixing the problem for me, and it wasn't going to one day magically, poof, make my monger disappear. So, that was when I decided to go on a quest and figure out how to solve this monger problem, how to really get to the root of why she was so belittling, shaming, and mean, and why I believed I needed that voice.

I give Jamie the credit for helping me get honest with myself so I could get to the root of this monger problem. It was through that conversation that I then wrote The Happier Approach. So, I wanted to bring Jamie back and just chat with her about her monger, and anxiety, and all the things that we talk about on this podcast.

You're listening to The Happier Approach, the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith.

Jamie and I gathered on my front porch. It was a beautiful fall day, and you'll hear the birds and the cars driving by because I just wanted kind of a chit-chat with my friend. Nothing with fancy microphones and no crazy intensive questions, just two friends gathering to talk about anxiety, mongers, rules, regulations, and all the things in between. I hope you will enjoy this conversation.

Nancy: So, how would you say your inner critic monger motivates you?

Jamie: I would say it's one of those like everybody's depending on you, you got to get this done. If you don't get it done, kids aren't going to have their uniform to wear for soccer. Or if you don't get it done, people are going to see the piles of dog hair in all the corners of the house and across all major surfaces of the house, floors. You better get it done because you'll look like a goofball if you don't.

Nancy: So, highly critical and motivating.

Jamie: I don't know about critical, like you're a dummy kind of, like you're so stupid kind of thing. I got somebody in there saying, "Dude, you're running out of time. Get it done." It's more of like you're going to look like a fool if you don't do whatever it is you need to do, or your kids are showing up without their teeth brushed, or whatever.

Nancy: Yeah, it's more, as we were talking about before, the people pleasing-vein than you are a terrible person, more what will they think.

Jamie: Yes, yes. Reflects poorly, and you look like an incompetent boob.

Nancy: I want to jump in here real quick and say I believe everyone has a monger. And it was through talking about The Happier Approach that I realized some of us have a monger who's like a demon. She is mean, relentless, and unforgiving. She is constantly telling us that we have to get it done or we will fail. Then, some of us, like Jamie, have a monger who was driving, and pushing, and critical, but more like a pushy teacher than a demon.

Jamie: I would never relax or pause if I couldn't sit down while there was stuff out because there's always stuff out. And it can stay out and I can stress myself out about getting it done, or I can sit down and watch a show with my family and the dishes will be there later. They're not going anywhere.

Jamie: But, Dave was telling me that ... He's like, "You are such an enigma," because we have the dishwasher that has the rack at the top where you can put all the silverware in all nice and neat. I save all the silverware till the end, because it drives me bananas because I have a very rigid way about how I put the silverware in the dishwasher, which Dave was like, "The counters are covered in clutter, and you're organizing the knives in the dishwasher." I was like, "Well, I hate it when I get them all organized and then somebody has a piece of toast, and there's one more knife, and I don't have room for it in the knife section."

Jamie: So, I'd rather let everything sit out, come to a final stopping point, and say, "Okay, it's the end of the day. No more knives are coming in and out." I can organize all the knives, soup spoons, big forks, little forks, teaspoons, and then coffee-type ... demitasse spoons at the end, big to little. "Dave was like, "I don't even know what to say."

Nancy: But, that brings you joy.

Jamie: Yes, I like seeing. He was like, "You can have dog hair everywhere and crap all over the counters, but all your knives are in the knife spot and all your forks in the fork spot." And I was like, "Yes, but that's how they get clean. If you just put them in willy-nilly, then when I pull them out, there's still peanut butter on some stuff. So, yeah.

Nancy: Would you say you have a lot of rules? Rigidities.

Jamie: If I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it right. So if it sits in a pile on the dining room table for six months, I'm okay with that as long as it's not in my way. Because if I'm going to do a project, I want to do it right, and I don't want to do it half-ass. So, I'd rather it sit there if it's not something that's very pertinent. I'd rather it sit there and get done when I have the time to get it done. Now, saying when I have the time, that'll be when I'm 70.

Nancy: Right, right, right, right.

Jamie: But, I'm not just going to kind of just cram it into the cabinet and put it away just to have it out of sight because I still need to do it. Then, I know it's sitting in the cabinet in a disheveled mess, so I have to get it back out of the cabinet, put it back out on the dining room table even just to start. So, I'd rather just leave it there, now I need to do it. I see it. I know I need to do it. And I may not get to it for a couple of months, but that's okay. I'll get there. I just don't want to do it haphazardly and haven't done half-ass. So, I'd rather it sit around and-

Nancy: And if it's out of sight, it's out of mind?

Jamie: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Dave's like a stuff it in the closet, get it out of sight, nothing to see here.

Nancy: Right. Yes.

Jamie: If people are coming over, yes, I lik the house to look nice and organized and stuff. But, I mean, if there's my makeup bag sitting out on the counter, people know I wear makeup. It's not a big deal. Just a makeup bag. But, Dave likes totally clear counters and ... So that's just ...

Nancy: What is the right way then? Who determines the right way in the sense of like-

Jamie: Whoever gets there first.

Nancy: But not between you and Dave, but in your brain.

Jamie: Oh. Oh.

Nancy: What makes it the right way? Is it order? Is it efficiency?

Jamie: I would say it's order, like laundry. Having all the laundry done would be like washed, folded, and put away. But, I can usually get to the wash, dried, in a basket, but that whole folding ... Which I love folding laundry. I find it very relaxing. I have a little board, and I put shirt out on the board and you flap the flaps and it folds it up into this perfect little square.

Jamie: Then, I totally Marie Kondoed. This is one of those things. Yes, there may be 27 dishes in my sink, but the shirts that I did wash, fold, and put away are very organized because they're in a file system versus stacked. They're flipped.

Nancy: Oh, okay.

Jamie: So, you can kind of dig through your shirts and see all the different colors and-

Nancy: Oh, wow.

Jamie: ... whatever you're doing. Right, crazy pants. If you were to walk in my house, you would not think that my drawers would look like that. But, that would be lovely to have the time to do that. But, I mean, I never have time to totally get everything folded, and so we're always looking for soccer uniforms in the clean laundry basket. It's always clean, but it's just not folded and put away.

Nancy: And until you can fold it with the board-

Jamie: Yeah, if I'm going to fold it's-

Nancy: It has to be with ...

Jamie: ... got to be with the board, and neat, and tidy. Otherwise, I'm just kind of wasting my time. Why fold it if it's not going to fit in the drawer where it's supposed to go?

Nancy: Right. Okay. Fascinating. Because the part I find fascinating is we all have those rules and rigidities. So when someone says, "Oh, you're a type A person ..." There are things you are type A about.

Jamie: Yes.

Nancy: Then there are things you are not type A about. I mean, the nickname for your family is the Must bombs because-

Jamie: Running in with our pants on fire, sliding into home with dirt all over our faces. We're here. We made it. Suitcase is very packed, nice and neat. Everything's rolled, and it fits, and it's all in there, but, whew, what a ride.

Nancy: I remember when Doug said to me ... Even recently, we had an ... Just this week we had an argument because we were watching TV show. I go to the bathroom and get a drink and come back and sit down, and I'm starting back up the TV show. Then, he gets up to get a snack. I'm like, "What are you doing?" He said, "Oh, I just decided I wanted a snack."

Jamie: We already had halftime.

Nancy: I was like, "That is inefficient. We had the break." And he said, "We're watching the TV show. Why do we need to be efficient in watching a TV show?" Which is an excellent point, and that is why I married him.

Jamie: That is true. That is true.

Nancy: I would've snapped at him big time years ago. But now I can be like, "What are you doing? You're being inefficient."

Jamie: What's happening now?

Nancy: Efficiency is one of my rigidities. Even in making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, it has to be efficient in the number of dishes I use and the movement.

Jamie: Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Definitely efficient the number of dishes I use. And with efficiency, I am almost rabid about my efficiency with driving. I know the patterns of all the streetlights. If I'm driving north to get on the highway, I know that it's generally going to take longer to go one way when it's not rush hour, and it's going to take longer to go another way when it is rush hour, depending on times and stuff. But then, if there's no rush hour, I know two different ways to go depending on when I peek around the corner if one light is green, I know I need to go straight. Or if it's red, I know it's going to turn-

Nancy: Wow.

Jamie: ... before I get there, and so it's faster to go that way. Bananas. I was like that in law school, too. I have very specific recollections of how I would go to school because I knew if this light's green, I'm going to get the next red light, so I got to turn on the green light here to make sure I get the other green light.

Nancy: Wow.

Jamie: So, I do appreciate some efficiency.

Nancy: That's impressive. Because that's what I always laugh. Mom and I will constantly be like ... Or Dad. My dad was especially bad about this. If you got stuck in traffic and then you figured out a different way, and then you would get your destination and you'd be like, "We did it the right way." Then, Doug ruined it by saying, "How do you know? How do you know this was the right way because you just ended up at the destination the same as you would've a variety of other ways?" I was like, "No, we did it the right way because it was the way we ... It was the way we went."

Jamie: It was what we chose, so it was right.

Nancy: Other than efficiency, are there other rigidities and the order?

Jamie: My side of the bedroom is a bit of a fiasco, but I also have two dogs on my side of the bedroom just for a little credit. But, Dave is like, "What is happening over there?" I was like, "Well, I got to get the sheets folded and put them in the little under the bed zippy thing. And if they're not folded right, they're not going to fit, so I got to make sure I get them folded right to get them into the underbed Zippy thing. There's a recipe in that magazine that I know I want. I may have forgotten which recipe it was, but I know there was a good one in there. I got to rip that recipe out, take a picture of it so I have it in my phone."

Jamie: He's just like, "Just throw it away. Put it in the recycle bin. Move on. Move on with your life. Clear the clutter out of your life." That's where I get kind of bogged down. I know I need to do something with that, so I'm going to hold onto it.

Nancy: Because you have a system for what you need to do with it. It's just having the time to invoke the system.

Jamie: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Nancy: Okay.

Jamie: Which I'll never have the time to invoke the system.

Nancy: Right, right, right.

Jamie: But, I try. I try.

Nancy: Yeah. No, I appreciate the endless hope.

Jamie: Hope springs eternal.

Nancy: I know anxiety is something that you struggle with. How would you say the monger plays into that or these rigidities even?

Jamie: At the beginning of my trip down anxiety lane was mainly end of law school, beginning of work. It was you have to take bar exam to practice, because I practiced on a state border, so I needed both bar exams. I remember after I took the bar exam in the first state where I practiced, after the bar exam, I was just like, "That was terrible. I know I flunked. I got to go through all of that again." I couldn't talk for a day.

Jamie: My dad had driven me from where we took the bar exam in mid-Missouri to where I grew up in Kansas city. I think I just stared out the window and just kind of cried and whimpered on the way home. My dad was like, "It's fine." I'm like, "It's not fine. I'm going to have to do it again."

Jamie: I still remember where we pulled up in the driveway and my dad just kind of waved at my mom, just gave her the cutthroat sign like, "Don't even engage. Just let her go whimper in her corner and lick her wounds, and maybe she'll come out tomorrow better." There's no way I passed that stupid test. I'm going to have to take it again, and I'm going to have to go through all that misery of studying for it again.

Jamie: I kind of got a hybrid answer. I got you pass the bar exam for the state of Missouri. Then, if you want to take an exam in another state, if you score high enough on the multiple choice part of the test, you can just carry that part over. But, I didn't get high enough on the multiple choice part to carry it over for the neighboring state, and so I had to do the whole thing again to take the neighboring state.

Jamie: So I did pass, but I didn't pass high. I kind of passed low because I didn't get to carry over my multiple choice score when I took Illinois. So then, it was, okay, I was smart enough to pass, but I have this nice job at a nice law firm. They're going to suss me out at some point and fire me because there's no way I should have this job. I got this job because my dad knew somebody, and I interviewed well, and my grades were pretty good, and I passed the bar, so I'm qualified. But, when's the other shoe going to drop and they're going to figure me out? So, that's like where the monger comes in like, "Hey, walking into work today. Didn't get fired yesterday. Woo! Coming back again. Let's see what happens today."

Jamie: So, that's that monger and that string of anxiety. And then now, since I'm not practicing, it's all with the kids. Kids get their homework done? Did they play the piano? Did they go to soccer practice? Are they doing well in school? Did I sign them up for the right things? If I don't sign them up for the right things, are they not going to improve with piano, improve with soccer, improve with basketball, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah?

Nancy: This is so common. Our mongers convince us we're a fraud and we're going to get found out. And her message is we need to keep hustling, pushing, and striving. Then, hopefully, one day we will be accepted. But in reality, she keeps changing the goalpost, just as she did with Jamie. Once she stopped practicing law, her monger came in to tell her the same message of never enough in regard to parenting. Your monger's message will just shift and change with you until you decide to get her under control and bring in your biggest fan.

Jamie: And that was where I kind of gotten out of the legal job stress and then kind of moved it to a different kind of holy crap. It's not me getting fired. It's my kids getting behind or not having the right opportunities or whatever. I mean, we live in lala land. They have plenty of opportunities.

Nancy: I want to step in here and talk about privilege, which Jamie alludes to. Jamie is right. She and I do live in lala land with the amount of privilege we have. And that is one of our monger's favorite way of shaming us and keeping us stuck. Our monger will tell us we need to be grateful, that we can't complain, that we're being whiny and privileged. And that message isn't helping anyone.

Nancy: Being privileged is a different issue. If you're privileged, then you need to own that and use it. Use it to bring awareness to less privileged voices, use it to give to organizations that help fight the disparity in our world. But, beating yourself up, shaming yourself for worrying about privileged things, well, that doesn't help those who are starving or suffering finding food, shelter, and employment. It just makes you feel paralyzed by shame. Privileged is something you need to own. It isn't something you need to shame yourself about.

Jamie: I think if I don't do one more thing or get them enrolled in a certain thing, then they're going to fall behind and not be as good as they could be. Or they could've been great at this, but I dropped the ball and didn't sign them up or didn't register them in time, and then it's my fault, but-

Nancy: Before we hit record, you were saying that the relationship with your monger ... You weren't quite as strong as your statement that you made to me at the wine bar now as you felt then.

Jamie: Yes.

Nancy: What has changed?

Jamie: It was one of those things where I was like, "Dude, if I don't have my monger, I'm not studying for the bar. I'm not trying to find a job." Or she is back there saying, "Get it done. Do it." And otherwise, it's a heck of a lot easier to sit down and watch Jeopardy. But, I guess it's ...

Jamie: One of my good friends has said, "We don't live in a show house. You can't expect yourself to live in a show house." Then, Dave will say, "But we can't live in a pigsty either." So, it's just trying to navigate that balance, which you're always walking that tightrope of, "We could vacuum. Let's get that done," versus ...

Jamie: Before, it was working with the kids on pitching because they were going to be pitching for a season in baseball. I watched YouTube videos, and then I was out in the driveway working with them. Yes, I could be inside folding clothes, vacuuming, doing whatever project I left on the northeast corner of the dining room table that I know I need to get to, or I can teach them how to throw a pitch. And I'd rather them know how to throw a pitch than get to whatever project that's been sitting on the dining room table forever. But, that's the battle is, but, yes, I do need to go inside and take care of some things. So, it's just that constant which way am I going to land on the tightrope.

Nancy: I think initially when I started this work, I wanted her to be gone. But, it's recognizing that she is always going to be there. And that's why I love the model of the biggest fan because the biggest fan is just the monger with kind words.

Jamie: Yes. And that is a much more content way to go about things is having a, "All right, you got to get it done. How about we turn on some music while you do it," or something or have the kids help.

Nancy: Yeah, because I think about ... Because I was going to say when you were talking about the baseball, that really is about what do I value, and I value my kids knowing how to play baseball. I value me spending time with them. I value this is making a memory more so than I value that the project on the northeast corner of the dining room table is done. And I can't do that all the time. I also am not going to be the mom who's going to be constantly out here playing with my kids to the detriment of-

Jamie: Right, right.

Nancy: The rules and rigidities will constantly fascinate me because I think they are just fascinating.

Jamie: Yes. We humans are an interesting breed.

Nancy: I love how Jamie talks about being human and brings her own sense of humor to the many rules are rigidities we have in dealing with our anxiety. We all tend to take ourselves a little too seriously. So anytime we can bring humor and some kindness to our lives, we are better off.

Nancy: I will say, even after all this time, my monger has not, poof, disappeared, but she has lost her hold on me. Bringing her and her shaming ways out into the open has made a huge difference. And living the principles I talk about in The Happier Approach allows me to keep her in check.

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Episode 146: Embracing a Life of Imperfection and Acceptance

In today’s episode, I’m talking about how to deal with our Monger who is constantly pushing us towards the impossible, and ways to embrace our humanness.

Does this sound like you? 

Your to-do list is a mile long—yet, logically, there’s no way you could complete it; you drive yourself so hard, pushing, hustling, head down working toward a goal—and beat yourself up when you don’t reach it. 

You might even sacrifice sleep and your own well-being in pursuit of this goal. 

If so, then your Monger might be running the show and holding you to an impossible superhuman standard. 

Your Monger convinces you that you have to do these things. There is no choice. You push yourself day in and day out in pursuit of a goal or fantasy version of what your life is “supposed to be”—because if you don’t attain the life your Monger is pushing you towards, then you just don’t have what it takes to be happy. 

If you gave yourself permission to pause and reflect on how your Monger holds you to these impossible standards, you might ask yourself: who set the goal I’m hustling so hard for? And if it is actually my goal, is that goal still serving me or even something I want to be pursuing? 

When we have spent our whole lives with the belief that we can be superhuman if we only hustle harder, how do we embrace a life of imperfection and acceptance?

In this week’s episode, I’m talking about how to deal with our Monger who is constantly pushing us towards the impossible and ways to embrace our humanness. 

And, if you missed last week’s episode, we kicked off this month’s conversation with Tara McMullin who shared her experiences with Being More Human in her business. Go check it out. 

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• How our Monger and our BFF keeps us in such rigid thinking that we miss the possibilities that being human brings

• 3 ways being human is more helpful than the quest to be superhuman

• Why self-loyalty is the ultimate act of being human

Resources mentioned:

• Coach In Your Pocket

+ Read the Transcript

Nancy: Your monger hold you to an impossible standard. I'm continually amazed by my own monger's ability to encourage me to go beyond the bounds of time and space. Your to-do list is a mile long and logically, there is no way you could come up. And yet your monitor convinces you, that you have to, you don't have a choice.

And even though you can't bend time and magically create 27 hours in a day, you still beat yourself up for failing to finish. You drive yourself so hard, pushing, hustling, and head down, working toward a goal, sacrificing sleep and ignoring your own personal discomfort in the form of physical pains and mental anchors.

And we do it all in the pursuit of some goal or fantasy version of what our life is supposed to be. We have built our whole lives around these delusions, the idea that we are superhuman and that we need to keep going and we can't change course, you're listening to the happier approach. The show that pulls back the curtain on the new to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace in relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith.

If you gave yourself permission to pause and reflect on how your monger holds you to these impossible standards, you might ask yourself who set the goal I'm hustling so hard for? And if it is actually my goal is that goal still serving me or even something I want to be pursuing.

Our monger convinces us that looking around and asking questions is dangerous and scary. So she keeps serving as a task master for a goal. We might not even want to be pursuing any. And in the end, we start to believe that if we can't be the superhuman version of ourselves, that our monger has tasked us with becoming, we just don't have what it takes to be happy.

This is what I want to talk about. The simple act of being human. I want to explore the complexities and importance of just being human. Especially for those of us who swallow the lie that we have to be superhuman. Last week, we kicked off the conversation with Tara McAllen, sharing her experiences with being more human in her business.

And next week we'll be hearing from Sarah Kathleen Peck, who talks about bringing your humanness into your next project and helping you get out of your own way and try something. She even coached me through my own stuckness. In this episode, I want to talk about how our monger and our BFF keeps us in such rigid thinking that we miss the possibilities that being human brings.

Now, the benefits of being super human have been sold to us our whole lives in comic books, in movies, in fantasy novels, maybe you've dreamt of reading minds, having the power of flight or just being really smart, like Sherlock Holmes. So what's so great about being human. Here are three ways being human is more helpful than the quest to be superhuman reason.

Number one, being loyal to yourself rather than beating yourself up for feeling unmotivated. You can say wow. Feeling unmotivated is so freaking hard, especially when I have so much to do. I'm going to be gentle on myself today. What is one small thing I can start right now? And then I'm going to check in again, later.

Reason. Number two, making mistakes means trying something new and risking failure, rather than just sitting there and fear risking raising your hand in the zoom meeting to share an idea and rather than getting lost in the fact that your idea didn't get picked, noticing that your idea inspired another idea that was more on target.

Had you not risked that wouldn't have happened. Reason. Number three, being kind about your limitations, recognizing that as much as you want to be superhuman and as good as that feels, initially, it leaves you feeling tired, depleted, and anxious, knowing that you are not a good worker after three weeks.

You can do it, but pushing yourself to achieve a bunch at that point, it just isn't going to work in essence, being human is at the heart of being happier and being more peaceful. When we have spent our whole lives with the belief that we could be superhuman, if only we hustle harder, how do we embrace a life of imperfection and acceptance, especially when our mongers and BFS can actively sabotage our efforts.

Let's start with trust. Or a lack thereof. Many of my clients are slow to trust themselves, slow to trust other people, slow to trust our humanness. We trust our rules, our rigidities our schedule, our to do list our ways of doing things because those rules rigidities and ways of doing things, they keep us feeling super human.

We have learned over time that if we keep our head down and do the next thing on the list, we will feel all power. And in the past that has worked. But what if those rules rigidities and ways of doing things they're just not working anymore. What if these rigidities, aren't making us superhuman, but making us feel like crap.

What if you're tired of trying to bend to the time-space continuum? What if you're tired of being physically exhausted and stressed out, constantly working towards a nameless goal? What if you want to feel good about your. And not like you're constantly failing, no matter how hard you work, what if you want to do it differently?

And we all scream. Yes. And then we go to take action to look up, to listen to our biggest fan and design a life of acceptance and imperfection. And in swoops, our mongers saying no. You have to keep pushing. You have to keep hustling. Here's the thing with these superhuman habits, they are well-worn, they are comfortable.

They are our defaults like water running over a rock. It will always find the well-worn path. Change is hard, not just because of our default paths. Those can change one small conscious step at a time, what gets in our way more, our inability to be human, to trust that there is a different way to be wrong.

To not have the right way to not know the answer to question, to be curious and sit in the unknown that is downright terrifying for many of us, with the belief that we are superhuman. This is why we take on more than we physically can. We work mindlessly towards a task. We might not even care about. We treat ourselves as superhuman.

It's also why we know a lot about how to change. We just don't make any of the changes because being superhuman is freaking exhilarate. Especially if we only look at the praise and accolades and avoid our mental and emotional health, it is ironic. We crave less hustling, less pushing. We read and learn as much as we can about accepting ourselves and embracing our imperfections.

And then our Monger steps in to say, you'll never be able to do those things, or who do you think you are or whatever her mean, belittling go for the juggler commentary. Is that right? She convinces us that doing more accomplishing more and staying far away from those feelings that will be best. And our BFF supports her talk about the BFF as much as the monger, but she is that voice of false self-compassion.

So whenever our monger gets too loud, she jumps in to say, you're fine. No need to change. You're doing great. Or we already know this stuff. Change your attitude. Love. Yes. And be kind, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Our BFF lets us off the hook. This is her misguided attempt to protect us. She is that petulant teenager, attempting to protect us by telling us we can stop listening to everyone.

And we're fine. In fact, notice how the BFF Petula child's voice shows up. As you're listening to this very podcast, my BFF voice would probably roll her eyes and tell me to stop listening. All this already, she would whisper you might know this already, but are you implementing it in your daily life?

Because after our BFF tells us, we're awesome and amazing, and we don't need to change anything. We then returned to business as usual and the cycle repeats. So to summarize, we're tired of living with so much rigidity. We attempt to make a change. Our monger belittles us for not hustling and wasting time.

Despite our monger, we make some feeble attempt at being kind to ourselves and then our BFF steps in to tell us we're fine. And we don't need to change rinse and repeat. We went to live in a space where we were open to being human, where kindness and compassion are at the top. We're drawn to that way of thinking and yet practicing and with ourselves on a daily basis is hard and difficult.

And not a default. We have learned from our monger and BFF that in order to feel superhuman best to keep a tight control on any of that messy love stuff. It's way too inconsistent. And. And yet we are also the first to tell our loved ones and friends, all that we've learned by reading psychology, we will advise them that they should set a boundary, speak in need or be kind to themselves.

We really believe this stuff. And yet it's there's a giant hard boundary in our heads saying, Nope, that works for everyone else. But for you, you have high expectations. You need to be superhuman. You are different, but I'm here to tell you. You can't bend the time-space continuum. You can't be all things to all people.

You can't do everything on your to-do list. You can't keep plugging along. Single-mindedly towards a goal you might not even want anymore. It will wear on you physically, mentally, and emotionally, because here's the fact you are a human being. Let's start embracing that first. We have to honor this disconnect.

We have to notice the difference between what we know and what we live. I know that being kind is key. I know that giving myself a regular breaks, honoring my body, treating myself as a human being rather than a human doing are all key to my inner peace and happiness. This is why I love the idea of selfless.

Self loyalty is the ultimate act of being human. It's not turning our back on ourselves. It's being willing to dive into all that messiness and say, wow, look, what's here. Instead of yuck, look, what's here. We know how to be loyal to family and friends. We accept their flaws. In fact, we will bend ourselves like Gumby to make up for their flaws, but for ourselves, hell.

Being human is something we strive to overcome. Maybe that's why we struggle so much stepping into the unknown of being kind, honoring ourselves and practicing self loyalty are messy and imperfect. And the one thing we hate is messy and imperfect. While I was researching the idea of being human. I came across this quote by Edith Weider and American scientists.

Exploring is an innate part of being human. We're all explorers when we're born. Unfortunately it seems to get drummed out of many of us as we get older, but it's there, I think in all of us and for me, that moment of discovery is just so thrilling on any level that I think anybody that's experienced, it is pretty quickly addicted to it.

I don't have all the answers, but I do know that being an Explorer of your heart and soul is an excellent place to start and can be exhilarated. Rather than believing the lie of our monger, that we are flawed human beings who need to be whipped into shape. What if we looked at our internal world as something fun to explore a messy, abstract painting that we can look at with kindness and empathy, rather than a painting we need to redo.

So it looks perfect as we continue to explore being human this month, challenge yourself to embrace imperfection and being kind to yourself. No matter. What notice your three voices notice when your monger chimes in to say how you're broken and then how your BFF chimes in to say no, you're fine.

When you see that dynamic challenge yourself to bring in your biggest fan, that kind voice who says, okay, people let's settle down. What do you need right now? Sweepy pause for the answer and then honor it. That is the key. Honoring what comes up, being loyal to your heart's request. Maybe it is to keep hustling.

Maybe it's to get a drink of water, maybe it's to take a nap, learning to listen and honor what comes up is messy. You will do it wrong. And yet every time I finally put down the superhuman shield and embrace being human, even just a little tiny bit, life gets easy. Which is the exact opposite of what I think is going to happen this week.

Let's embrace being human one tiny activity at a time.

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Episode 142: Finding Freedom Through Our Personal Stories

In today’s episode, I am talking with Hillary Rea, storyteller, podcaster, and founder of Tell Me a Story about the stories we tell ourselves.

In the self-help/personal development world, the idea of stories—and the stories we tell ourselves—is seen as a negative thing. 

The message is: if we were better people, then we would know all of our “stories”—and if we are honest about them, they wouldn’t get in our way and hold us back from living our full potential. 

Instead, we could change our limiting beliefs by simply “changing the story.” 

That phrase drives me crazy. As if it’s that easy to change your story! 

And while the self-help world might portray stories as a challenge to overcome or as an opportunity to rewrite, I have always seen it differently: stories are what make us the amazing, unique humans that we are. 

Today, I’m so excited to introduce Hillary Rea to you. She is a storyteller by trade and has a refreshingly different take on the stories that we tell ourselves, the stories we tell about ourselves to others, and the stories that others tell about us. 

Hillary is the founder of Tell Me A Story, a full-service communication consulting business that trains entrepreneurs, leaders, and change-makers to use the art of storytelling as a powerful communication tool. She is also the producer and host of Rashomon, a narrative storytelling podcast in which one family shares every side of the same story.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• How our stories play a role in our lives and how Hillary has found that telling them NOT changing them is how we find freedom

• How telling our stories helps us build self-loyalty which is key to dealing with our high functioning anxiety

• Her love of storytelling and why it is so important to her and the larger world

• What Joseph Campbell’s Hero Journey might be lacking in and what Hillary teaches about the 5 facets of storytelling

Resources mentioned:

• tellmeastory.info

• Join the Speak Up Newsletter

• Rashomon Podcast

• Coach In Your Pocket

+ Read the Transcript

Hillary: I've really come to the realization that there's stories we tell ourselves. And there are the stories that other people tell about us or on our behalf. And there are the stories we tell others. And I think that the more we can find alignment between those three different types of stories that are told that's where the freedom

Nancy: in the self-help personal development world, the idea of stories and the stories we tell ourselves is seen as a negative thing.

The messages, if we were better people than we would already know all of our stories. And when we're honest about the stories, they won't get in our way and hold us back. But my guest today, Hillary Rea, a storyteller by trade has a refreshing different take on storytelling and the stories we tell ourselves.

You're listening to the happier approach, the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle and achieve at the price of our inner peace in relationships. And I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith.

So you might be wondering what does storytelling have to do with high functioning anxiety? I'm so glad you asked the phrase, change your story has always driven me crazy. We're told to change our limiting beliefs by changing our story as if it's that easy to just poof change your story and stories are what make us the unique, amazing human beings. We are. This is why I was so excited when Hillary and I struck up a conversation about this very topic, and then she asked if she could come on the show.

And I was like, yes, this conversation is going to be awesome. From her first time, performing standup comedy to winning a moth story slam to realizing the power of storytelling in the workplace. Hillary Rea is an expert in the art of using personal experience to build trust, inspire, and help people understand each other.

On a deeper level. Hillary is a graduate of New York University Steinhardt school with a bachelor of music in vocal performance and holds a certificate in audio documentary from duke university center for documentary studies. She's also the producer and host of Rashomon a narrative storytelling podcast in which one, family shares every side of the same story.

Whether you're looking to grow your personal or professional network need to effectively tell the story of your new business or simply need to boost your confidence, Hillary and her team at tell me a story will help you find your voice and share your unique story with honesty and passion.

In this episode, Hillary and I talk about how our stories play a role in our lives. And how Hillary has found that telling them not changing them is how we find freedom. How telling our stories helps us build self loyalty, which is key to dealing with our high-functioning anxiety. Hilary's love of storytelling and why it is so important to her and the larger world and why Joseph Campbell's hero's journey, which we've all heard might be lacking.

And what Hillary teaches about the five facets of storytelling. Okay. I am so excited today to have Hillary Ray here to talk to us about storytelling. Welcome Hillary.

Hillary: Thanks Nancy. I'm really happy to be here.

Nancy: So Hillary reached out to me after we'd had a conversation on a forum about the use of the term stories.

When it comes to negative things, we tell ourselves so often in the self-help world, we hear that phrase. Just change your story. And if you've been following me for awhile, you know what, that, that drives me crazy. And it turns out it also drives Hillary crazy as well. And she's actually a storytelling expert.

So that makes me feel even better that it drives me crazy. So I wanted to bring her on to talk about that concept and a few others related to the stories we tell ourselves. So Hillary, given that introduction, how do our stories play a role in our lives? And how have you found that telling them is how we can find freedom?

Hillary: Yeah. So as I've been thinking a lot about this, I would say over the last handful of months, and then every time I do read or see a social media post saying, change your story, or it's all the stories we're telling ourselves, I get fired up. So I've really come to the realization that there's stories we tell ourselves.

And there are the stories that other people about us or on our behalf. And there are the stories we tell others. And I think that the more we can find alignment between those three different types of stories that are told that's where the freedom lies. And I think the one that we should really focus on is not the story we tell ourself, but the story we tell other people and ultimately that will lead to that reframe the internal narrative that so many self-help people talk about and is the reason behind a lot of our problems.

Like stories that we, and I'm doing air quotes,, like the diagnosis is always, oh, your problem is because of the story you're telling yourself. And yeah, I just don't think necessarily that those are always stories or real stories. And then I think if we focus on the story, we tell other people that will lead to a better story that we tell ourselves and an actual story that we're telling ourselves versus this idea of a story.

Nancy: Okay. So like in the forum, in this thing we were talking about, it was the idea of playing small and the concept was, that's a story we tell ourselves to play small. So using that example, Walk us through what you're talking about, if that's okay.

Hillary: Sure. So I'm going to just put myself in the shoes of that feeling.

So I'm, I feel like I'm playing small or I'm not showing up in the world, whether that's personally professionally on the internet. So I must be small and there's nothing I can do about it, or it feels safe to be small. So I'm just going to stay smaller. So to me, that's not a story to me, that's an idea or an emotional state or sometimes a cultural implication.

It's an external thing that I'm thinking is happening to me this feeling of being small. So yes, I could maybe work with a therapist or work with a coach and kind of dig into that and see what stories or life experiences I had that got me to that feeling of small. Again, this is theoretical me.

I don't have, I've felt small in my life. I'm not saying I've never felt small, but I would then have to find, okay, maybe I got teased in second grade and I can dive deeper into that story and go into specific details, create the beginning, middle, and end around that. And maybe that will then help me to reframe that idea of being small and take the steps to being bigger or to taking up space in the world.

However, I think just by putting myself out there. So I don't, I'm trying to figure out the best way to explain it because it's not, obviously there's a lot of layers to feeling small, but if I am thinking of a story that I want to share with someone else, whether that's one person or. For example, I run a company.

So a story, I want to share on my newsletter each week or a story that I want to share when I'm hosting a live storytelling event. If I can think of that story and the purpose for why I want to share it with people and craft the beginning, middle and end of that experience, I want to share and bring it to life in a super fun and engaging way with lots of details.

And I like to infuse humor, things like that. Then by sharing that story with my audience, whether that's an audience of one or an audience of many, I'm taking a space and I'm putting myself out there and there's this feeling that happens when you do that. And when there is an audience on the other side, listening to you, even if you can't see them or hear them, that gives you that freedom and helps you I don't know. Yeah. Take up space without being like, hello world. I'm here. Dad's handing your way through life. If that's not your style. I hope that makes sense.

Nancy: So you discover through therapy or whatever that, the story, the limiting belief of I'm small, that story comes from something that happened in childhood, perhaps in your example that you made up, then that's the story.

That's the story that when we share to the audience of one or a hundred in person or not, that then starts flushing out the problem.

Hillary:. Yes. But I would like to add that it is in our power to share what stories we want to share so that doesn't have to be the story you would tell your audience.

And I think I can give an example from. I can put together a real life example and see if this go thread. So there was always this lore and it did happen to me, but I dwelled on it since the age of 12 that I was at a friend's house hanging out in her room. So at 12, I liked to wear a lot of vinyl.

So I had a vinyl dress. I had vinyl pants, I had vinyl platform shoes. I had silver mini skirt. I looked like a nineties, future punk rocker. And I was obsessed with clothes. I was obsessed with curating these outfits and I wasn't wearing a vinyl dress the day that this happened, but I owned this vinyl dress that I wore to school.

And I was at a friend's house. And her mom also happened to be a teacher at this very small school that we went to. And an adult friend of her mom was there. And so they peeked their heads into the door of my friend's room and we're sitting there hanging out and the mom's friend wanted to say hi, The daughter.

And then the mom introduced me and said, this is Hillary. She likes to wear trash bags.

Nancy: Oh ,My!

Hillary:. it was this little moment, that I know what she was getting at. It was a vinyl dress that I wore to school, but it wasn't trash bags. But for some reason I let that statement haunt me for forever. Since that happened and I still care a lot about clothing, I'm still very passionate about fashion.

And I think any time I'm less willing to take those fashion risks as an adult. It's because I can hear that voice or hear that replay, that specific experience back in my mind, however, a couple of months ago I purchased this rainbow knit sweater on the internet. I fell in love with it. It was on sale.

It was like this big oversized multi-colored striped sweater. And I remember I wanted to wear it. Like on a date with my boyfriend and in my head, I got that little voice. Like she wears trashbags voice and I didn't put it on. I just wore like gray, which is also my go to.

And then I posted about it on social media. And I posted about it on my company, social media, because of it was a story connected to fashion and it was a story connected to my identity and a story about what happened when I did actually wear that sweater. How did I feel? I heard that story with an audience and not only did people respond in the Instagram post, but I also like the next time I was in an in-person event with people that had read that Instagram posts, they brought up the sweater and said that had made them think of a coat. They had that they were too scared to wear like a very surface level thing, but in sharing a version of the story, that made sense for me, that made me feel good about myself.

I was able to connect with my audience and also rewrite that feeling of she wears trash bags.

Nancy: So it wasn't sharing the story of the woman who said she wears trash bags. It was sharing the story of how you felt wearing debating about the rainbow sweater and then eventually wearing it.

Hillary: Yes. I might have mentioned it in passing, but that, wasn't the main point of the story at all,

Nancy: which is fascinating because.

I assume like in the example I gave, it was the original story, but that has nothing to do with it. In storytelling, in healing, these stories, it's telling the story at a variety of places. In the story, I'm saying a variety of places of how that story makes you feel.

Hillary: Yeah. I guess to clarify, I think it is okay if you are able to dig deep and find the stories underneath the self-limiting belief and it, and by story, it has a beginning, middle and end, and you're sharing your perspective either in the moment when it happened to you or as you remember it.

Now, I think sharing that story is okay. Especially if it's like a confidant or someone you care about deeply or a therapist or a coach or things like that. But I think that there's this pressure, especially in when in a leadership role or when running your own business, either how you represent yourself on social media or how you represent yourself in interpersonal communication, that there's this pressure that you have to share those deepest, darkest woundy story.

And honestly, and I think that fear holds people back from sharing anything at all, or holds people back from trusting that they, as a human being are enough and okay and worth taking up space and not being small. And so my, and what I believe in how I work with people is okay, yes. Maybe those stories are there, but what are the stories that you feel most passionate about telling?

And that doesn't mean it has to be like a happy, joyful story, but what are the stories that align with who you are, what you do and why you do it and all of the, your vision and values and everything, like finding alignment between the story you tell and who you are as a human being.

Nancy: So it's not about dwelling in the stories, the negative stories that as you say, aren't stories, because they don't have a beginning and a middle and an end, but concentrating on what's the story that serves not even serves me.

Hillary: I think it is the story that serves you.

Nancy: Is it serves? Okay.

Hillary: I think it’s serves because the question I always ask is what story serves me in the present moment.

Nancy: Oh, okay. Okay. Yes. Because I was like serves me to me, sounded like a spin on it, like I'm going to put a positive spin on it, but that isn't how you're using serves.

Hillary: No. And I think it also goes back to the focusing on the stories we tell other people as our starting point, versus focusing on the story, we tell ourselves and trying to reframe that in its own inner turmoil, you kind of way, and also to focus less on that idea of the stories other people tell about you, which can also look like, oh, I want to be perceived a certain way, or I want this person to think of me as this and the most terrifying truth that there is that you can't control how that person is perceiving you or your story.

And you can't control what they're thinking about it, even if you hit a message hard or tried to say and the reason I'm telling you this you still can’t control that. So there's no reason to focus on that. The stories people are telling about you. So why not focus on the stories? You can tell other people and that kind of take care, takes care of the story that people tell about you and takes care of that story that you tell yourself.

Nancy: So if you so in the example you gave about the rainbow sweater, did that loosen up the, she wears trash bags.

Hillary: Yeah. I guess, in an ideal world, I would say I haven't thought about it,

Hillary: But, and I feel like I'm in a unique time in that I'm not thinking of fashion so much at the moment because of, I don't, also, should I even, yeah, because we're

Nancy: recording this during the pandemic.

Hillary: Yeah, totally. Okay. So yeah, I'm not thinking about my clothing as much as I normally do, if I'm able to go out into the world. And again, that's not because I want, I care about what other people are thinking about my clothing. It's just how I get dressed to go out into the world right way.

I haven't really thought of that time just because now I have this rainbow sweater story and the rainbow sweater story has come up again. Because it actually, it was two Instagram posts. In an installment of my newsletter that shared this morning. And then since then, every time I put that sweater on, I get the feeling of sharing that story.

Nancy: When in the past it would have been the trash bag story.

Hillary: Correct.

Nancy: Got it. That is awesome. Okay. That makes a ton of sense.

So then let's back up a little bit. How did you become so interested in stories and storytelling?

Hillary: Yeah. About 10 years ago, I knew I wanted to try comedy because I knew I could make people laugh in my everyday life.

It was, it's something I prided myself on and I didn't have to, it wasn't like effortful. I just could do it. And it felt good. And my background was in theater, but I. Never really enjoyed being a character. Like I, I would create like backstories for characters, especially when singing songs for musical theater, because my background was in musical theater.

I would create these backstories that weren't so much the backstory of the play or the musical, but something in my head that would help me tell the story of that song in an authentic way. And so that gave me joy expressing myself in some way, gave me joy, but being characters made me anxious and made me insecure and made me scared to get up in front of people.

But for some reason, comedy, didn’t feel scary or it felt so unknown to me that I'm like I just have to try I don't know what I'm doing. And so I did, and I went, and it was an experimental comedy show that was in an art gallery. And I brought my own laugh track and it was on a, I believe it was on a CD in 2009 or my iPod, but I handed it over to a friend and I said, Hey, can you just play this whenever you feel you want to?

Or if I feel like, if you feel like no on, one's laughing and they should be, can you play it? And so he did. And then that sort of became an additional joke because I had no control over how the audience was going to respond when that was going to happen. I only had control over what I was sharing. And even though in my head, I'm like, oh, I think I'm doing stand-up comedy.

I really shared a story from my life that had a beginning, middle and end. So I would say that was the first. Step into Ooh, I like this idea of telling a story from my life in front of an audience, not because of how the audience would respond, but how it made me feel like that taking up space, finding freedom, which I don't think I had felt for a very long time, just because of I guess the age I was, at that point, like late twenties, but just like feeling, not myself ever since I went to college for performing, which actually made me shut down and made me feel like I never wanted to perform again. Wow. So that was the first step. And then I stumbled across a competitive storytelling shows that were in Philadelphia and then also in New York.

And so I started going to those and for those, it was interesting because you show up, you put your name in a bag, but they only pick out 10 names. So you never actually know if you're going to get picked until the moment before that was so terrifying because I could prepare all I wanted to at home and I did, but I would never know, A if I was going to get picked or B when.

And so when it happened, the very first one, I went to, my name got picked up first. I didn't even get to see an example of all about, I'd never even gone to the show before, but almost that lack of control. Again, took me to that space where yeah, I was terrified but it went away as soon as I was up there.

And in my story, and in the experience I was sharing, which was a story about failing my driving driver's license test at age 24 and having to pee in this wooded area because I was nervous. Like it was, again, a silly story, but I walked away just feeling really good about sharing it. And I, and those types of events had judges and there were scores and I didn't win and I didn't win for years.

And that it wasn't about that. Again, it was like the taking up space and the feeling free and who I was and aligned with who I was in that present moment and the story I was sharing in that present moment.

Nancy: So the act of telling stories, just helps us see ourselves and get a different response from other people than we're playing in our brains.

Hillary: Yeah. And I think the thing is, again, you don't know what response you're going to get from other people. And so it, to me every time, even now, when it's easier for me to get up in front of people and I use storytelling in my everyday communication. So it's easier for me to just launch into stories naturally, but there's always that little bit of jumping off.

It feels like I'm jumping off a cliff. I've never done that. I've never gone bungee jumping or skydiving, but in my head it feels like I'm jumping out of an airplane and flying through the air because I can't control. I know I'll land, first of all, but I can't control. What happens besides just landing and besides sharing what I felt compelled to share in that moment.

And I would say 99.9% of the time, it lands in a super compelling, connected, positive way, even if it's not a positive story. And again, it's not about finding the stories that are the funniest or the stories that are the happiest or the stories that are the craziest thing that's ever happened to you. It just trusting that exchange between you telling the story and the person that's so generously listening to your story is enough.

And it is true and deep

Nancy: Because the idea of change your story kind of demonizes stories. By how you say it, which I think I'd never thought about that until just talking with you. That's what I, that's what bugs me about it because, I can remember when my dad died and it was months later and I said something about how hard it was and that my mom was really struggling.

And a friend said that's just a story that it's hard. You can change that. And I remember thinking to myself, but I want, that's a good story. That's a story that shows how much I love my dad. So I don't want to change that story. Like these stories make up who I am.

Hillary: Yeah. And I think that you don't have to change.

And I think it's, again, what story serving you in the present moment and finding the why behind sharing that story? So the way you just said that now is that's your story, you're taking ownership of it and you're telling it from your perspective, the response you got is someone telling a story about you.

Nancy: Ah, yes, I see. Okay. Yeah. And even that story mean the story that I shared there now we're going to get metta on story. The story I shared was about being my friend, but the story I was sharing with her that was just. A belief on how hard it was, but I wasn't, in my mind, I had a story it's hard because my dad is gone and I love him so much.

And he was amazing. And this way, and I can build up a beginning in the middle and an end to that. And now, and I'm thinking, talking and thinking at the same time, but maybe if I had shared the full story with her of that beginning, middle and end of my relationship with my dad, she wouldn't have said we need to change your story.

Hillary: Yeah. I would say that's probably the case

Nancy: because that's the power in sharing the story. Is you get the full picture,

Hillary: you got the full picture and just the simple structure. If we think of, because there's many definitions of story, as we were talking about, and there's many different ways that stories go out into the world, there's fictional books, there's podcasts, there's film, there's all their stories are everywhere.

So when you said, if I had told the full story, I think that would have stopped her from saying the thing that she said about you. So I think the reason that she would stop that is because you share not only because of the story you shared, but because of the structure of the story, which is no matter what form it takes place, like book, movie podcast, speaking to someone, a story always has a beginning, middle and end.

We learn from the time we're six years old. So I think that's finding, it's not only finding the story that you want to tell, but telling it with a beginning, middle and end structure. And that's what gets the story that someone's telling about you or the belief that someone's putting on you or perception that will help dissipate that or dissolve that because you've shared a complete story.

Nancy: Ah, I'm so glad you came back to that because that is really helpful. So to the same degree then, would you say that because that you had said I hate the idea of just change your story, because it's not a complete story. Does it have a beginning, middle and end, but if I can come up with my beginning, middle and end would that help me?

That might help me change the story because I would see it differently regardless of who I'm sharing it with.

Hillary: Yes. So I think first it's key to focus on the stories that you want to share with other people. And then when you have those stories, like the one that you gave an example of is doing the work as much in advance, as you can, sometimes stories just happen off the cuff in the moment to find the beginning, middle and end of that experience.

And that's what, how it comes together in story form. Got it. Okay.

Nancy: That's really okay. I think that's really helpful. The other thing I don't like about the change, your story, because I didn't realize, because it is chopping off my story but I can change that story.

I can change that story is not what I wanted to say. I can see that story differently by giving it a beginning, a middle and an end and not just being like, oh, I suck at blank, but being like what's the beginning and middle and end of that, what's the story. Full board. Yeah.

Hillary: I think it's finding the story, finding its structure and the word, finding your perspective in the moment, because that's always going to change as well.

Yes, absolutely.

Nancy: Yeah. And that they'll keep changing because even the story of the trash bag, she loves trash bags continued to change as you get older,

Hillary: I think it's funny. Whereas for so long I was deeply upset about it.

Nancy: Yeah. Because now you could see a different You could see the different perspective of, you're not seeing it as a16 year old. You can see it as an adult as well. And about fashion. It just has a lot more to it than just the, I think, because I think so often the messages we're telling ourselves are not fully formed. There's no structure they're just loose and we just believe them. And if we take some time to develop some structure and create a beginning, middle and end story, and then share that story, we can loosen some of the stuff up.

Yes. Okay.

Hillary: That is

Nancy: helpful. We've all heard the idea of the hero's journey. And when I think of the hero's journey, I immediately think of like Harry Potter that Joseph Campbell. Started, I believe he started it. And I know you have a different idea around that and you have different elements that you bring to the storytelling.

So can you talk about the hero's journey and then talk about what you learned?

Hillary: Sure. So I think beginning, middle and end is standard across, no matter what philosophy on storytelling you take. But I used out first, I'll talk through Joseph Campbell's hero's journey, and this is very loose. Cliff notes thing.

So it's that there is a hero and it's usually a man and he's has something going on. He's in one state at the beginning of the story, and then there's something called an inciting incident. So something sets him off on his journey. And through that journey, he encounters many obstacles, many challenges, there's usually a temptress or a villain or things like that.

And then, so there's rising tension, which is the other, a Campbell word. After that inciting incident journey, journey, and then there's like this ultimate climactic moment where something happens. There's some big turning point change. Maybe like a big action event, a fight, something like that.

And then there's the resolution at the end. And the main thing is that the hero is now a different person at the end of the story that they were at the beginning of the story. It's like the standard thing it's ingrained in so much of everything that we consume and have consumed since 1949 when humbled laid that out on paper.

And probably since before that, even, and I always call all those little bits and pieces story ingredients, like the inciting incident, the rising action, the climax, the, and I always have thought those things through, not as I'm crafting my story, but maybe after the fact and in teaching storytelling to other people.

But there was a moment where I started to feel like actually. Things that are more important before you like dissect your story to make sure that it has those things. And also not every story has those things. And that doesn't mean that it's not a good story. And there's so many other ways that a story can unfold.

And that specifically a first person story, which I call personal narrative can unfold. Like we don't, we're not always on the hero's journey, but it doesn't discount that the other things that have happened to us aren't valid or valuable or worth sharing with other people. Basically, because of showing up to a corporate storytelling training, which I used to do a lot of, and seeing that laid out in front of all the participants was this card with storytelling tips.

That was from a different company, not mine. That included a lot of those Joseph Campbell ingredients, so that I show up to this event to teach, but on the table as part of their supplies of this other person’s, sort of definition of story and including these ingredients. And I was like, Hey, in my head, I'm like, I don't really agree with this and this isn't what I'm about to teach.

This is weird that this is here. So after that event, I was like, I need to put my ingredients or what I now call elements down on paper. Yes. Yes. I always believed, but I just hadn't officialized it. Thanks to that, that awkward moment in that event where I was presenting, I put it down on paper. So I call it the five key elements of personal narrative.

And I think that's where I different that there's again, we've said the word story 5 million times, I think focusing and reframing it as personal narrative, especially when you're focused on sharing a story from your life to an audience of one of a hundred, whatever that audience is, it's personal narrative.

And so I'll say all five and then I can talk through. So the five key elements of personal narrative are one your origin story to ownership three beyond the blazer for reciprocity. And five scars over wounds. So I can just give a quick rundown. Yeah. So I think the first element is a really great starting point for anyone who's what story do I have to tell?

What story serves me in the present moment is identifying your origin story. And so that answers the question. How did you get to where you are now? And that's an ever evolving question, right? With an ever evolving answer. So making sure. That you revisit that question and find the story that serves you in the present moment, and that it's not a matter of telling your full life story that got you to the moment where you are now, but finding like zooming in on those smaller moments that illuminate that big story of where you are now?

And in that answers the questions. How did you get your super powers? Because origin stories play a really big part in comic books. And it's always the story of how the superhero got their super power. But if we can think, and again this goes more into the internal story.

Like the story we're telling ourselves, if we can tune in to those super powers that we have, whether that's our values, our strengths, our talents our worldview finding the origin story that aligns with that is. Gives you again, lets you move into a bigger space. Lets you take up space in a truly authentic, genuine way.

So that's origin story.

Nancy: I have a quick question about origin. So that could be if I were anything, I know this is personal narrative, so it's not but if I were like trying to find the origin story for my company, that would, I could ask the same question or the origin story for my story as a mother or my story as a wife or my story as a daughter or just my story,

Hillary: all of the above. I think you can have multiple origin stories and I think.

Even when it's the story of your company and if your company is multiple people or has many moving parts, still finding your journey into that role, into that experience is valid and should be shared even if there's other people involved.

Nancy: Great. That's helpful. Okay. So then next is ownership.

Hillary: Yes. So we've talked about this a little bit already, and maybe just not using the word ownership, but it's. Choosing the story that you want to share with somebody else and making sure that it's told from your perspective through your lens. And so that if for some reason, someone were to go and try to tell your story for you to someone else or retell your story, that because you took, you can't control that.

So because you took ownership of it and you're taking ownership, not only of what happened to you, but how you're sharing it with your audience, then chances are, it will be told in a way that aligns with the story by someone else.

Nancy: So Brené Brown does a really good job of owning her stories because when I, if I retell them, but they're for her, it's from her perspective, is that what you're saying?

Hillary: Yes. Okay. I would say we never, again, we never can control if someone's going to tell a story about us, either back to us or to someone else, but we can control what story we tell and how we tell it. And that to me is taking ownership over not only the experience when it happened to you in your life, because again, this is personal narrative.

So taking ownership over that experience. So maybe Hillary in my story that I'm telling is different from me now telling that story, and I'm going to talk about those differences and maybe there were things in that story I'm not proud of, but I can tell it from my perspective, through my lens and my worldview, and maybe that does bring humor into it, or maybe.

Brings shock and heart to how that Hillary behaved in the story. And so as the teller, I'm taking ownership that yes, that's who I was in that story. And that's how and what happened. But here's how I'm also sharing it with you now, as someone on the other side of that,

Nancy: and that's really what makes the story gritty and believable, that's what makes it because I'm a therapist, so I would say that, but that's what makes it like juicy and rich.

Yeah. You could tell the difference if someone hasn't taken ownership of their story, it's told from a distance as opposed to being in it.

Hillary: Yeah. And I think Brené, Brown's use of ownership too. Is that rumbling with your story idea? Maybe you found the story you want to tell, and maybe you weren't your best idea of best self in that story.

Or there were things in that story that are vulnerable to share or, yeah, it might be uncomfortable for some people, but when you rumble, she uses the word rumble, with that story, and then once you do that, if you're like, yes, I still want to tell that to somebody to me that's when my definition of ownership comes in.

Ownership of that, and just going forward with it and believing wholeheartedly that's the story you should tell.

Nancy: Okay. Got it. Yeah, that's cool. I like that addition to the elements from the hero's journey. Okay, so what's next,

Hillary: next is beyond the blazer. And this came to be because of how I showed up in the world and how I noticed other people were showing up in the world in all aspects of my life, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, and also people that I've worked with on their storytelling is feeling that we have to be initially people feeling like we have to be two separate identities.

There's the personal persona and the professional persona. And no matter what industry you're in or what type of work that you do, that they don't intersect. And that, and there's ways that we behave personally. There's ways that we behave professionally. And what I noticed is that I was hiding behind wearing a blazer.

So when I, and this was specifically when I started teaching storytelling in corporate environments, which I no longer do, but I was, going in and doing a lot of professional development training. And I had never had a corporate job. I just had an idea of what a corporate job meant and an idea of what a corporate job meant for a woman like these general ideas.

And so I thought in order for these people to see me as an expert and to see me as a professional and to see me as. Professional that they paid money to, I must show up in a blazer. And what I was doing was hiding in that blazer, not showing up as my full self personality wise and not teaching, like not giving my expertise fully or giving like I all the whole time I was checking am I acting appropriately for this company culture?

When honestly, I didn't even know anything about the company. And this is the idea of storytelling I think they want to hear. So maybe this one, and again, this is me all like looking back.

Nancy: Yeah. But fulfilling some imaginary persona.

Hillary: . Idea. Yeah. And then any time anything came out, like in those blazer moments where it was like, oh, you used to do standup comedy or, oh, you lived in Japan.

Oh, you studied musical theater. I would laugh and be like, ha yes. And then move on to the next thing. Instead of using those life experiences to inform the work that I was doing. And so all of that and noticing how that played out for other people, like seeing blazer, persona client of mine and personal persona client of mine.

By sharing our stories and sharing stories from all aspects of our life and from all stages of our life experiences, we're integrating the personal and professional. So maybe there are stories that we want to tell for our professional audiences, whether that's us running our own business or leading a team at a big, bigger company, but why not find a story from a different aspect of your life to share that maybe ties to the message of the work that you're doing or ties to the brand or the overall idea.

And it's that integration that makes us feel fully ourselves outside of that storytelling moment as well.

Nancy: Oh yes. I could see that. Yeah. And I think, I could totally see that happening in business, like even the stories I tell on stage, the best stories I tell on stage are personal.

You know where I'm not doing that, but the temptation to do that as strong one and two, I think we do that in just in our world. Like this I'm going to, I'm not going to tell the story at the PTA because this story is it appropriate for that persona, even though if I want to show up as an authentic human being, I need to be, the best stories or whatever stories appropriate, not based on the persona.

Hillary: Yeah. And now I'm going to go back to what I said about you. You can have multiple origin stories because I still do believe that, but I do believe that origin stories should integrate the personal and professional. It should have this beyond the blazer concept in it. Because you brought up that analogy of the PTA.

So maybe there's a how I am a mother origin story, but I still think that can encapsulate other aspects of who you are and what you've experienced. So I think actually if someone's listening to this and they're like, oh great, I need six origin stories. Now I challenge you to actually start with one and then maybe it shifts depending on who your audience is.

But the core of that story is the same. And I've had multiple origin stories in that. Some have served me two years ago and the story I used as the example of how I got to where I was two years ago it's still a story I can share in another context, but maybe isn't my origin story at the moment.

Nancy: I got it.

Yes. Yeah. So even if I'm doing, like I said, oh, this is the story of how I became a mother. This is the, my origin story as a mother, that's still encapsulating all the years before I was a mother.

Hillary: I think, and it's again, not about telling the full story. I just think you don't have to limit yourself to the idea of this as the story, a linear way of getting to how you became a mother.

Nancy: Got it. Yes. So we need to be moving back to one. The origin is the general origin of who we are, how we got here.

Hillary. It doesn't have to be general, I guess what I'm trying to say.

Nancy: I am confusing it more. I had it. And then I tried to clarify and I got it worse.

Hillary: That's okay. I guess all of the elements connect to each other.

In thinking beyond the blazer, in context of any story that you want to tell someone else, it also applies to your origin story. And so I did respond with an enthusiastic yes. When you said, so you can have multiple origin stories. And I was like, yes, that's true. But I would challenge anyone that's curious about finding their origin story to start with one and see what happens.

See if it can be, it can answer that question in a multitude of ways.

Nancy: I see. Oh yeah. Okay. That makes sense. Okay. So then what's the next step? We did origin ownership beyond the blazer.

Hillary: So element number four is reciprocity and. There. I think that there's a difference between, have I got a story for you?

And it's this idea of, I'm just going to talk at this person listening to me and, my story is going to go onto the ether and then dissolve into the air or something. And so it's like expelling a lot of energy out when you're sharing a story and I'm sure that feels exhausting and doesn't feel like you don't feel aligned with the story.

And it's just words it's being talked at. But reciprocity into storytelling is really important because not only is it. The storyteller who's sharing the story. There is a listening ear or ears on the receiving end that are taking that story. They're deeply listening. They're translating your experience into something from their own life to make sense of it and to create that feeling of connection that happens when we share and listen to stories.

And also by taking ownership and showing up and telling your story, you're actually allowing the listener. To think of what stories they want to share in return. And it's almost an invitation for them to share a story, even if not in that moment. Yes. Okay.

Nancy: I love that.

Hillary: Yeah. Yeah. And so always thinking of it as an exchange that you're giving your story to someone and that they're receiving it, but then not that you can control how it's going to be received, but just that there's an exchange and a connection.

To me, it, it evens the playing field. Like we're all at the same level. When we hear a story and share a story, because we're all human. It humanizes it

Nancy: because I liked the idea of not talking at because we have all heard stories where people are just talking, just in everyday conversation where people are talking at us and not engaging us.

Hillary: Yeah. And I think that also comes from not wanting to listen in return. And I think in sharing a story, you also have to be open and willing to listen and return. Even if it doesn't happen in that exact moment,

Nancy: you said the deeply listening. That was part of that. I circled in that the listener needs to be deeply listening, you know?

Hillary: Yeah. And there's all of this science. I don't have all of the facts and figures to go into it fully, but there's all of the science around storytelling where they've hooked up things to the brains of people, listening to stories and people telling stories. And that when an audience is deeply listening and when a storyteller is deeply telling a story that a brainwave patterns sync up.

And I think their original study for that was done at Princeton.,

Nancy: Wow. That is fascinating. Okay. So now we're onto the fifth, right?

Hillary: So the fifth key element of personal narrative is scars over wounds. And I think that's ties back to everything that we talked about at the very beginning of our conversation in that there are some things that have happened to us in life are our life.

I refer to life experiences as what's happened to us before it takes story form, we can choose, we can pick and choose from those life experiences to then create that beginning, middle, and end and craft the narrative around that life experience. So always there are going to be life experiences that we've all had that are in wound phase.

They're raw. They're rough. We haven't processed them. We don't know if we feel comfortable sharing them. We don't even know if we feel comfortable tackling them internally or anything. And that's okay. And you don't have to share something that's happened to you and make it a story in wound phase or wound form.

What are those stories that are in the scar phase? So at something, again, this could be something that maybe felt really awful and tragic at the time, but we now have this new perspective of humor on it, or just the fact that we're so much older or even there are some things that scar up quickly. So something that could have happened three weeks ago phase.

Acknowledge that you have those life experiences that are still in wound stage, but you can say, all right, I'll see you later when you've scarred up. And then we can talk to each other as a story. And so finding the stories from that scar stage is much more powerful, both for you as the teller, but also for the listener, because you're not putting this unraveling of it's like a vulnerability hangover. I think we are in the, and there's always this pressure of, I have to be vulnerable. I have to be true and authentic, and there's ways to do that without dumping the weight of something on someone else or on yourself. And it's, to me more powerful when you can tell, find those stories that are in the scar phase,

Nancy: because when we tell a story that's in the wound phase, especially in a professional setting we're asking people to take care of we're they feel the need to take care of us and boost us up and make us feel better when we're telling the story from a Scar phase. We've done that work already and I could see it. So that's, what's more powerful.

Hillary: And the, where I got this concept from was Catherine Burns, who was the artistic director for the moth, which is a big national storytelling organization. And she wrote this manifesto on storytelling a while ago, many years ago.

And there was just one simple sentence that said, tell your stories from your scars, not your wounds. And so I took that sentence and translated it into this bigger idea. And I would also say that maybe that's where a lot of the coach therapy talk of self-help talk of, that's just a story you're telling yourself is really still in wound phase.

And so it's, and it's not a story. So whether it is an unprocessed experience or. An emotion or a cultural implication or all those things, whatever it is when someone's changed that retell, that chances are, it's still a wound and that’s detrimental to both you and anyone that you're going to share that with.

Nancy: Yes. Yeah. And so then just dismissing that as, oh, I need to change that then you never get to the point where it's a scar.

Hillary: Exactly. That's a really, I never thought about that until just now. Yeah.

Nancy: So that's yeah, that's interesting. I love this. I love your five. Your five elements, because I think, it's obviously it's so much more in depth than the hero's journey.

And I think, I think if Joseph Campbell knew how much that would be beaten into the ground, he might've thought it through differently. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but it just is that's the only way. And so I like that you're bringing in another way. And I think that storytelling, this was, when you approached me to do this interview, I was like, this is why I wanted to do this podcast because I wanted to bring in different not just self-helpy people that are talking about the same thing, but people that have a different take on the same stuff.

We talk about all the time and storytelling and how we tell our stories is just so powerful. I love this work that you're doing and that you were willing to come here and share it in this form. Because I think it's really impactful for my listeners to hear it. Not only to apply in their business worlds, but in their everyday life.

Hillary: One thing. I love that you brought up Nancy outside of this time that we're meeting now is how you defined monger BFF and biggest fan in relation to how I defined stories. We tell ourselves stories that other people tell about us and the stories we tell others. I talk about that a lot.

So yeah, I think, again, it all goes back to. The difference between the stories we tell ourselves, the stories other people tell about us and the stories we tell other people, and that to focus on the story, we tell other people lift the weight or negativity or evilness of story of the other two and in how I think it connects with your terminology, Nancy and your work, which I so deeply admire is that to me, the, and you helped me come to this conclusion that the story that we tell ourselves can be the monger, and that the stories other people tell about us, that can be the BFF stories we tell other people that's the big yes. Fan.

Nancy: Yes. That's really well said. Thank you. I liked that. Yeah. I hadn't thought about it like that at all, but that's true. Now I'm going to have to spin on that for a little bit. Leave us with something to think about. I love it

Hillary: I don't know. You don't necessarily have to keep that in the interview, but

Nancy: no, I think that's really helpful, just also just to bring my work into the whole thing, I think, yeah, I think that's awesome. Okay. So tell us where people can find you, what you're working on, that, all that good stuff.

Hillary: Yes. So the best place to find me is on my company's website. And so it's TellMeAStory. And what I'm working on is working with clients virtually, which I never did before, but now in a world where that was forced upon me, but I'm actually so thrilled about working with clients in this way.

And I think it allows clients to go deeper. It allows me to challenge the way we're communicating when there's a screen in between us and how we can bring that in-person energy and that true connection, how we can get that to transcend a digital conversation. Oh, cool. Yeah. Yeah. So that's it.

Nancy: Okay. And you help people figure out what their stories are to share in their business for branding?

Hillary: Yeah, so I guess the way I would put it is that I work with. Entrepreneurs and leaders and those looking to leave a bigger footprint on the world, what story will serve them in the present moment. So helping them brainstorm what that story is, helping them craft that story, and then depending how much they need giving them the push to put that story out and make sure that there's an audience for them to share it.

Yes. So whether that is for business or I produce a live storytelling event. So sometimes it's just a matter of getting people up in front of that kind of audience and telling the story that way. But yeah, I would say most people work on personal narrative with me for professional reasons, but there's personal impact as well.

And then

Nancy: the life story event, you have taken that to be online as well. When is the next, is the next. June 17th, I believe

Hillary: . Yes

Nancy: Okay. They can find that information on your website, but they join that virtually. Yeah. And watch it. Okay. Because I want to, I need to find that out myself. I would like to tune in.

Okay, awesome. And thank you so much for being willing to come on here and share this, your elements and your information on story. Because I think it's really helpful, because that is something we all do, sharing stories and how we can fine tune that to help ourselves and help others is incredible.

Hillary: Yeah. And they're not scary or bad, right? Yes.

Nancy: Thank you. We do not need to constantly be changing our story. Yes.

Hillary: Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. This was fun. Thanks for having me.

Nancy: This interview was so much fun because Hillary and I were able to hash out the concept of storytelling and narrative as it comes in contact with self-help and personal development.

And both of those processes are messy. I think anytime we can get out of our knowledge bubbles, we can learn more and have such amazing conversations. And that is what Hillary did for me. And I hope you too, since this interview, I've embraced my stories. More looking at them with pride is something that has shaped me, owning our stories is a form of self loyalty when we can own them and see them for what they are.

We recognize both their power and their pain, and we can choose what we want to hold on to.

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Episode 122: How To Implement A.S.K. When There Aren't Enough Hours In The Day

In today’s episode, I wanted to bring back Abby and hear how she implements A.S.K. when she realizes she doesn’t have enough hours in the day.

For many years I believed that I could fix my High Functioning Anxiety 

I thought that if only I could find the right way to do it, that if I just found the right hack, I could be healed. 

But this isn’t how it works. The truth is that we will never be done with our High Functioning Anxiety.  There isn’t a hack that can fix everything. Yes, we can loosen its grip and live a life without it controlling everything but it takes work. High Functioning Anxiety is an ongoing issue and learning to live with it is a daily process. 

In December we talked about the 3 characters that play in our minds – the Monger (inner critic), the BFF (the voice of false self-compassion), and the Biggest Fan (the voice of kindness and wisdom) – and about how when we hear our Monger talking and berating us, or our BFF judging other people or sabotaging us, the goal is to bring in the voice of Biggest Fan. 

All this month we have been talking about how to do that.  In the past 3 episodes, I introduced A.S.K. and talked about the 3 steps: Acknowledge your feelings, Slow Down and get into your body, and Kindly pull back and see the big picture. 

And as I have said before, A.S.K. is more nuanced than just doing these 3 steps.

So today I wanted to bring back Abby and hear how she implements A.S.K. around a common problem that I hear from just about everyone: what do we do about the issue of “not having enough hours in the day.”

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• How to use the feelings sheet to acknowledge what you are feeling.

• How to practice staying in your body and bringing in your Biggest Fan whenever you get frustrated.

• How to enlist your Biggest Fan into seeing the big picture

• And the rewards of doing the hard work of not allowing your Monger to run the show.

Some of the research and resources mentioned:

• The Feelings List PDF

• Episode 119: Acknowledging your feelings

• Episode 120: Slow down and get into your body

• Episode 121: Kindly pull back and see the big picture

+ Read the Transcript

For many years I believed I could hack my High functioning anxiety. If only I found the RIGHT way to do it, I could be fixed, healed. It is ironic because High Functioning Anxiety keeps us stuck in this loop that if we do everything RIGHT, we can relax, we can earn a break. But that isn’t how life works. We will never EARN a break.

We will never hack our High Functioning Anxiety and be done with it. High Functioning Anxiety is an ongoing issue. Yes, we can loosen its grip, yes we can live a life without it controlling everything, but that takes work.

It is a process.

A daily process.

“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”

In December, we talked about the 3 characters that play in our minds the Monger (inner critic), the BFF (the voice of false self-compassion), and the Biggest Fan (the voice of kindness and wisdom) when we hear our Monger talking and berating us or our BFF judging other people or sabotaging us, the goal is to bring in the voice of Biggest Fan.

All this month, we have been talking about HOW to do that. In the past 3 episodes, I introduced A.S.K. and talked about the 3 steps A. Acknowledge your Feelings and the second step S. Slow Down and get into your body.

And the third step – K-Kindly pull back and see the big picture.

As I have said before, A.S.K. is more nuanced than just do these 3 steps, and poof, your anxiety will go away, so today I wanted to bring back Abby and hear how she implements A.S.K. around a common problem that I hear from just about everyone, the issue of ‘not having enough hours in the day.’

We first met Abby back in episode 110

Hi there, I am Abby

Abby is a wife and mom to 2 children, a boy, and a girl, and works full time in a management role.

Abby deals with High Functioning Anxiety, and she has been learning how to implement the A.S.K. method to reduce her anxiety and her constant Monger chatter.

Acknowledge what you are feeling

Slow Down and Get into your body

Kindly pull back and see the big picture.

Let’s see how Abby feels about the amount of time she has to get it all done:

“There are not enough hours in the day! I set my alarm for 5am every morning, so I have a better chance of getting through my list, but my Monger likes to make me up promptly at 3:11, taunting me to use the extra hours to my advantage.”

Let’s follow Abby as she goes through her day and tries to bring her Biggest Fan into the picture more.

As soon as Abby’s alarm goes off, she is off to the races. Treadmill, coffee, shower, pack the lunches, handle carpool and try to get to work before everyone else so she can get more done.

As she sits in the morning rush hour traffic, her Monger starts going:

“Well, this is a great start… my inbox is probably busting at the seams, I’m behind on the big project, and I’ve got to rally the troops for next week’s group presentation… Traffic is the last thing I need today.”

Abby hits her horn in frustration as someone cuts her off.

“We are all sitting in traffic, jerk. You aren’t going to go any faster in my lane!”

Before Abby gets out of her car, she says to herself:

Wow, already starting the day stressed. Let’s practice A.S.K. I feel so silly doing this but let’s give it a try. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got, right?

She pulls out the feeling sheet she keeps stuffed in her work bag and names 6-10 feelings.

I am feeling insecure, panicky, worthless, unhappy about work, annoyed, frustrated about traffic and the morning so far, and excited about watching my son’s play tonight.

Then, she slows down and starts to get out of her head. She does some stretches as she walks into her office. Finally, she starts to pull back and focus on the bigger picture:

OK, so I have A LOT to do, but I always have a lot to do. I am going to take 10 minutes and plan the day realistically. What can I get done? Do I even know what I can get done? I usually set my expectations so high, and I am always disappointed.

What if today I just focused on noticing where I get caught up and when I start to get off track? I don’t have to beat myself up--I can just be honest about what’s going on.

Abby walks into work feeling energized. As she turns on her computer, she sees 50 new emails.

Oh my God, I am NEVER going to get through these.

Her Monger starts up again:

“HA! So much for your great day of productivity, you can’t take time to PLAN. You have to answer all of these before you can do ANYTHING! What will people think if you don’t reply right away?!?”

Abby immediately shuts her computer, defeated, and walks to make her second pot of coffee.

As she fills her favorite mug with coffee and milk, she feels the warm mug in her hands and says to herself.

OK, not beating myself up today, remember? Noticing. Email is a snag—a big one.

It’s just so hard to feel this overwhelmed all the time! There has GOT to be a better way to do this than constantly feeling like I am behind. I’m going to put the emails aside for a few minutes and plan out my day.

It’s true: the emails can wait. Abby makes her plan and still has 15 minutes before the office starts bustling.

Perfect! I will triage these emails and set my priorities before everyone gets here.

By the time the office gets bustling...Abby has her head down, priorities set and is working her way through her emails.

An hour later, having finished the triage and feeling briefly on top of things. Abby gets called into an unexpected meeting:

Ok, so this meeting is NOT on my priority list... and it’s probably going to be a major waste of time, but I’m going to commit to showing up, being present, and making the most of it.

Abby decides she will practice staying in her body and bringing in her biggest fan whenever she gets frustrated.

As the meeting drones on, Abby continually brings herself back to her body. Noticing her feet on the floor. As her anxiety increase with each passing minute, she hears her biggest fan say to her:

“This is where we need to be right now. It is frustrating that our to-do list is a mile long, and this is where we need to be.”

Finally, Abby is free of the meeting. Her boss grabs her on her way out to ask her about the special project he had assigned her.

Yep, still working on it and will have something on your desk by the end of the week!

Abby says with a smile.

Oh lord--why did I say that?

How the hell am I going to make that happen!?! I guess I will be working late this week!!

Abby makes her way back to her office and immediately goes to her email. She is making her way through the 25 new messages that came in during the meeting and then remembers.

Oh right, I am working on priorities, not just email today!!

She shuts down her email and starts working on priority #1, the special project for her boss. She opens the spreadsheet, sets the timer on her phone for 30 minutes, and starts working.

After 10 minutes, she finds herself once again in her inbox.

What am I doing? Nothing important here! Why am I wasting time in my inbox?

Rather than beating herself up, she gets curious.

Ok, what am I feeling? I am feeling panicky, uncomfortable, and worthless. This project is completely out of my wheelhouse. Why did he assign this to me!?! I just know he is going to fire me!

She can feel her thoughts racing again, so she consciously calls in her Biggest Fan.

This is something totally new for everyone--and you’re the go-to for figuring this stuff out. It’s completely understandable that you’re feeling panicky. And sure, you are behind the deadline and feeling stuck… but we can get back on track. Where are you getting stuck specifically? Is there anyone you can talk to about it?

Abby realizes that it’s the numbers that are freaking her out, which makes her immediately think of her colleague, Scott. Scott loves numbers--so she offers to take him to lunch so he can help her sort it out.

At lunch, after Scott and Abby talk through the project, they spend the rest of the time ripping on their boss. Making fun of him, laughing and comparing stories on what an idiot he is. As Abby walks back into her office, she feels bad. She realizes her BFF was running the show the whole lunch.

Man, my BFF used to run the show all the time!! Whenever I would get stressed, my BFF would step in to blame someone else. I am so glad that isn’t my norm, but she does raise her ugly head from time to time.

Before she starts her work, Abby calls in her Biggest Fan.

Let me acknowledge what I am feeling: Guilty and embarrassed for talking about my boss all lunch. But also pleased that I asked for help and relieved that I know what I am doing.

Abby stands up to do a quick wiggle to shake off the guilt and embarrassment, and her Biggest Fan says,

Ok, girl, you have the answers from Scott--that’s enough to get you started. No email. No distractions, let’s get to work. You got this!!

And she sets the timer for 30 minutes.

Abby makes some major headway and gets up and walks around the office, and fills up her water bottle.

She has 15 mins until her next mtg, so she triages her email until she has to leave.

Abby handles the rest of her day, attending meetings, returning to her desk, getting into her body, setting her timer, and accomplishing her work.

At the end of the day, Abby does a quick review of the day. What went well? What didn’t go well? And what can she do differently tomorrow?

She sets her priorities and packs up to head home and make dinner before her son’s play tonight!

He is going to be amazing! I can’t wait to watch him.

As Abby sits in the bustling auditorium waiting for the play to start, she reflexively reaches in her purse to pull out her phone and check her work email.

Her Biggest Fan chimes in:

Ok, sweetpea, put the phone down. Look around. What do you see? What do you hear? What do you feel? What do you smell?

She looks around the auditorium, gets in her body, and relaxes enough to enjoy the show.

The email will be there tomorrow.

Later that night, as Abby crawls into bed, her Monger starts chiming in:

“YOU have so much to get done tomorrow!!! What are you going to do?! You will NEVER finish everything.”

Abby allows herself to feel the agitation and insecurity, and she stretches her arms up above her head, and then she calmly says to herself.

Worrying about it isn’t going to help. I have a plan. I have my priorities set, and I am figuring out how I work best. I WILL get it done. I CAN finish this project, and I know who to ask for help if I get stuck. I can see now that my expectations for what I can accomplish between emails and meetings are overblown. I am going to need to keep working on those expectations. That is going to be a daily practice!!!

Ok, so I want to comment about Abby’s day. You might be thinking all these mental gymnastics sounds exhausting!!! I hear you, Nancy but no way am I doing all of this WORK. Trust me, I hear you. Yes, it is work. It is a process of trial and error of catching yourself and regrouping. And it does get easier over time. The cycles get shorter, and you can catch your Monger or your BFF talking much faster. But here’s the thing, not doing the work, allowing your Monger to run the show is also exhausting. Feeling like you are constantly behind and beating yourself up for it all day long ad nauseum is also exhausting. Feeling disconnected from those closest to you, trapped in your head, and constantly hustling is also exhausting. It is a choice some days, we hit out of the park, we are grounded, present, and able to call in our Biggest Fan, and some days we are living in Mongerville and unable to recognize that we are constantly shaming and belittling ourselves. So yes, this is work, and yes, it is so worth it.

---

If you don’t do it, who will? If you’re not hustling, pushing, and keeping it all together yourself, nothing will get done.

Look, you don’t need me to tell you that. You tell yourself every day. There’s that voice inside your head constantly pushing you to do more, be more, and get closer to perfect.

And there are all the people--your family, friends, and random people on the street--who congratulate you on how productive you are.

Mixed messages, am I right?

I know I’m right because I’ve dealt with high-functioning anxiety too. I know what it’s like to relish the accolades that come your way one minute and shame yourself for being so tired and overwhelmed the next.

And, I’ve been working with women like you living with hidden anxiety every day for over 20 years as a coach and counselor.

I wrote The Happier Approach to give you a framework for dealing with your anxiety and start living happier.

The Happier Approach will help you understand the voices in your head and what to do with them. It’s not another woo-woo self-help book that asks you to think positively and live your best life. It’s a practical guidebook for getting out of survival mode and finding a genuinely happy and productive life.

Know someone who has High Functioning Anxiety and a VERY LOUD Monger. The Happier Approach makes a great gift.

Find The Happier Approach on Amazon, Audible, or Barnes & Noble!

---

Episode 113: Managing the Long Road Of High Functioning Anxiety

In today’s episode, today I wanted to share the experience of living with High Functioning Anxiety from the perspective of one of my clients.

I can talk about the Voices In Your Head all day long.

I work with clients every day living with High Functioning Anxiety. I live and breathe this language and these techniques.

The Monger, the BFF, Your Biggest Fan–I literally wrote the book. 

But today I wanted to share the experience of living with High Functioning Anxiety from the perspective of one of my clients.

Michelle Steinhour came to me a few years ago consumed with self-doubt, insecurity and constant questioning. It was showing up in her marriage and in her work. She was looking for practical strategies that would help her feel less doubtful about herself.

I introduced her to my Coach in Your Pocket and Michelle has seen a big shift in her anxiety. But, as she reminds us in today’s episode, it’s a life-long process.

Michelle is in the trenches. She’s making the shifts and doing the work. She’s walking the path of the Happier Approach every day by listening in to the Voices In Her Head and reminding them who’s really in charge. 

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• How Michelle manages her BFF and Monger.

• What she has done to encourage the voice of her Biggest Fan

• Some of the biggest changes she has seen since hearing from her Biggest Fan more often

• How the support from her spouse has made a big difference

• Why planning to have kids has made her love this work even more

• The Feelings List PDF

+ Read the Transcript

Intro: Michelle: I'm happy that I have more of a coping mechanism for my anxiety, because it was really running my life, 2, 3, 5 years ago. And now I feel like the anxiety is there. I'm living with it, but it's not running my life.

Nancy: Michelle came to me a few years ago, looking to feel less doubtful of herself.

She was consumed with self-doubt insecurity and constant questioning. It was showing up in her marriage and in her work. Today, she's doing the work and living the happier approach. She's listening in to the voices in her head and reminding them who is really in charge. But as she said, it's a lifelong process.

It's easy for me to talk about the voices in your head, the monger, the BFF, and your biggest fan. I wrote the book. I work with clients every day on practical strategies for living with high functioning anxiety. I live and breathe this language and these techniques, but today I really wanted to share Michelle, in her own words, she's in the trenches and walking the path of the happier approach every day.

Your listening to the happier approach, the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith.

Recently Michelle started working with me via my coach in your pocket and has seen a big shift in her anxiety. I wanted you to hear her very human story, someone that is in the trenches, making the shifts and doing the work.

Michelle and I talk about how she manages her BFF and her monger, how having support from her spouse has made a huge difference. The biggest changes she has seen since hearing from her biggest fan more often, and why planning to have kids has made her love this work even more.

Michelle. I'm so excited to have you here. Thanks for taking the time to come and chat with me. I wanted to get a real life person's perspective on the three characters that we've been talking about this month. And so the first one we're going to start with, logically, is the monger and I know you have a special name for your monger.

Michelle: yes, I do. I had almost forgotten about that actually. Yes, that wonderful. My friend, the monger, I call her Gerdy. yes. I don't know why, but it just came to me one day. I was like, she sounds like a Gerdy, just, yeah. Yeah. That's hilarious. Yeah, so I don't, yeah, just that like pesky little voice that just comes up and yeah.

And Gerdy just fit it. I'm like, oh, darn it. Gerdy you little, just one of those voices. I'm like, no, not again Ugh. Beat me down. So yeah, that's the name for her?

Nancy: I love that. So tell me, how does Gerdy show up? Can you give me an example from recently,

Michelle: I teach classes in the evening sometimes which is super fun.

And actually recently probably the most recent example where Gerdy was just like, oh no, Michelle you suck. Like you're just, you're not going to come out from this. Was I was teaching class and we give surveys to our students to see how the class is going. See if they like it, if they hate it. If they're feeling challenged unchallenged and so my boss emailed me and I teach with a couple other people.

So emailed the group and said Hey, thank you for doing the surveys. We got the surveys back from the students and a couple of them are feeling unchallenged and are not really liking the class. I just wanted to have a meeting with y'all to see if there was some way we can brainstorm to challenge those kids.

And Gerdy told me, she was like, oh no, Michelle, you suck. Like you haven't been doing enough in class, your lesson plans stink, your collaboration, stinks with these teachers. Like all of it is just terrible because these surveys came back. Like you should just hide in a hole and not teach again. And that was genuinely the reaction I have when I read this, I was like, oh my goodness.

And the words were pretty much what I said, just Hey, is there some way we can brainstorm challenging them more. My boss wasn't mad. It was just a statement. And I, all of a sudden was bawling on the couch, reading this email,

Nancy: (Laughing), I'm laughing in understanding, not laughing at you.

Michelle: (laughing) Yes, I appreciate that. Then, my husband walks in and he's what's going on? I'm like, I just got this email. Oh, I don't know what to do. And he was like, okay let's take a step back here. Let's not think so black and white yeah. What can we do, what do you think might help these students in this class?

And, yeah, so that was really helped me step out a little bit where I'm like, all right. Gerdy. Yeah. Now this is just one class, just a couple surveys. But yeah, but it happens so quickly for me, at least that sometimes I don't even know, that the voice is turned up so loud for me.

Until I'm bawling on the couch and I'm like, wait a second.

Nancy: Yeah. I know that Isaac, your husband is, has become a big help to you in, and I think spouses really can be and helping us pull back the blinders, so to speak. How has that. How has that evolved? How have you guys, grown together?

Michelle: Oh yes. I am not going to lie in the beginning. It was awful. Cause I was just so far down in the hole and the rabbit hole of the monger that I just couldn't even come out. And sometimes in the beginning when he would say kind things are like, Hey, let's think this through. Or what if this, I would just be like no, Isaac, you're wrong. How dare you not say that I suck too. Side note: never say that husbands (Laughing)

Nancy: (Laughing) that's a cardinal rule.

Michelle: But yeah. And then so slowly with The work that I guess I have been doing with the Monger noticing her voice more and asking Isaac for what I need a lot of times too.

We have gotten into this groove where both I recognize it more and he recognizes it more. And I think I've helped him along that path of saying, “Man, I just really like I think this is the monger.” And I would explain Gerdy to him and he's oh, okay. Okay.

So now like I would point it out to him and he can recognize it along with me a little bit. And that's taken a while too. It's not oh yeah, day one. And now it's been years. But now we're on such a better groove where he says, “Hey, like you definitely don't suck. This is the monger. Let's not look at it in black and white and you're doing this great and that great.”

And I can finally also listen to him much better and be like, “oh, okay. Yeah. You're right. Let's consider that instead of totally shutting them out. “

Nancy: Yeah. Because I think it's you so want to believe what the Monger's saying that sometimes it's hard to get that perspective.

Michelle: Yes, Yes because it makes so much sense in the moment.

Nancy: Yes, exactly. And it was interesting. I did a presentation a few months ago and. The spouse, came up to me and said, my wife has a Monger. That's so loud. And he's said, “I look in the mirror and I see myself and I'm like, yeah, you look pretty good. and I'm overweight and short., I know I have some issues.” he said, “but I look at my pretty good, you did a good job with what you have and she looks in the mirror at herself and she only sees bad. She would never look in the mirror and say, it looks pretty good.”

Oh. And he said ,”that's just so foreign to me.”

And as someone who always looks in the mirror and, doesn't say it looks pretty good. I was like, oh, what would that be like to look in the mirror and to think. You look pretty good.

Michelle: Yeah. That's so true. Yeah. I do think about that with other people too.

Cause I'm like, oh my gosh. I would never tell so-and-so Ugh. yipes. It's such a foreign concept to be just as loving to ourselves as we are to our spouses and friends, Yeah, so that, yeah, that's difficult. Yeah.

Nancy: Okay. So one of the things, one of the ways, and you know this already, but one of the ways the monger shows up is, or we can recognize, we know the monger's playing there is when we have a 10 reaction to a two situation.

Michelle: Yes. Sorry. I laugh because for the longest time I had no idea. I was like, no, I'm totally not having a 10 reaction, but anyway, that's why I laugh.

Nancy: So the question is given that is something that I know you've worked on a lot can you give us an example of that? Just any time you've had a 10 reaction to a two situation.

Michelle:. Oh man, I am not going to lie. It happened today where I was like,

maybe I'm not the best person for this interview.

Nancy: That's awesome not for you, but it's awesome that you recognized it.

Michelle: Yes, I did. And it took me. Pretty much half the day. It started at the beginning of the day. So I guess, long story short this Christmas party at work change days.

So there were some people that couldn't make it one day. And they were like, Hey, can you do a Wednesday instead? And I was like, oh, No I have something that evening. Let me try to move it. I think there'll be okay if I try to get out of this thing I had in the evening, but I'm not sure. Let me text three people and ask them, let me text my husband and see what he thinks.

And it was all about this Christmas. And I was just legitimate freaking out. I couldn't do my work today. I was just so unfocused and just worried about, should I miss the Christmas party? Should I miss this other commitment in the evening that I had? I'm not sure. And then all of a sudden, the middle of the day, I was like, wait a second.

This is a Christmas party. This is one day. And you just went through all the list of I'm sure either way it happens that if I end up having to miss this prior commitment, I'm sure they'd understand. And vice versa. If I was like, really, they can't find another person I have to be there.

It's all gonna be okay. But I had to laugh at the end of the day. I was like, oh my goodness, this is just one evening. And it's for some sort of Christmas, it's not even like a. A crazy thing. Yeah, so it took me all day, but I pulled out of it. Yeah. So it's just funny how those get us though, that it's oh my gosh, this is such a huge deal.

And I think we talk about the like high energy a lot and all day it's just that high spinning energy.. I think that's why I stayed in it first or why I tend to stay in the 10 reactions so long. Cause I feel like we love the feeling of that, go and constantly turning and ah and then when I finally accepted, I was like, either way, it's going to be fine.

There was just that moment of silence and calm. I was like, yeah what is there to think about now? I have to go back to my word. Yes.,

Nancy: yeah. Cause that is the benefit of that high energy is that it keeps you here. Spinning and thinking and who should I call and what should happen and did a lot.

And so it's, so the drama, yes, it really is. And to recognize that you're in the drama. It is challenging.

Michelle: Yes. And I have to attribute that to just practice too. I've even gotten my husband on board with that where he's says, “I'm pretty sure this is a 10 reaction and I'm going to give you that it's maybe a three or four problem.”

Like we have that lingo. Which is totally awesome

Nancy: . Yeah. Cause that can be challenging for the spouse to say, I think this is a 10 reaction because sometimes you're so into it. You're like, no, this is NOT. (laughing)

Michelle: . Yeah. (Laughing) Some days are definitely better than others where I'm like, no, shut up. You're wrong,

Nancy: ,God love them.They're treading on thin ice with they approach that. But my husband does it to me too so REALLY!?! Is this really that important. And sometimes it can come out at them, at our spouses that we can have the 10 reaction to something they did. I'll do that a lot.

I use this example a lot. My husband doesn't consistently clean ALL the dishes in the sink. He has some idiosyncrasies around dishes let's say, and it really doesn't bother me, but it will become a 10 reaction.

If there's something else bothering me, I will totally take it out on the fact that he doesn't do the dishes. That will be the thing I get frustrated about

Michelle: Oh yes. Oh, you know what? That makes me feel so much better though, because poor Isaac, honestly, I have the same. If something is funky or I'm having anxiety about something unrelated. I'll be like, you know what? I just can't do everything around here. Isaac, I'm vacuuming. And nothing was dirty. Nothing was, we didn't need anything cleaned, but yeah, I totally get that.

Nancy: Yeah. So the hard part about recognizing the 10 reaction to a 2 situation is then to ask “well what's really going on. What's really underneath this the hopped up energy? And so that's where I think that is a harder oh, you harder thing to do, like it's because then you really got to get clear and start facing what's going on. Start facing. Yeah.

Michelle: The toughest part acknowledging. Yes, unfortunately. Yeah. Yeah.

Nancy: Okay. So the next character that we talk a lot about is the BFF, and that seems to be the hardest one for people to really identify. They know when I describe it, everyone's oh yeah, totally. I totally get what you're talking about, but when you're in everyday life, it's hard to pick out.

Do you agree with that? I

Michelle: I do agree cause I, I think for the longest time I was that way as well until I think, I can't remember this specific moment, but there was a specific moment that I was like oh, this is the BFF. It finally clicked. And I was trying to think of another moment that was similar.

For me, that, that comes up like, The BFF comes up. And I thought again at this whole email thing while I was crying on the couch all of a sudden this voice popped in and was like, It's not your fault. It's those other teachers faults. Like they definitely should be stepping it up and they should be contributing more.

And you know what?. And so actually the BFF for me, I know when I'm in that voice when I get really judgy of other people and start naming the reasons that things are, the way they are and in a very spiteful way. I feel like that's a big key to the BFF.

Whereas if I talk to my husband, he'll be like don't be too hard on yourself because this is something extra that you added. You don't have as much time to commit to it is as you want it to. Or things like that. Whereas my BFF would be like, you know what, it's definitely those other people and you know what?

We have too many students in the class anyway. And that's the problem when it's that's not the problem at all.

Nancy: I think that challenge of the BFF is that for a lot of people. And that's why I include her in the book for a lot of people. She is their voice of compassion. You're like the idea of suddenly being like, oh wait, that isn't a good voice.

That voice doesn't have the best intentions for me when, before that was how we got compassion.

Michelle: I'm so glad you do include her in the book. Because, yes. I think the only thing that really tipped me off to her was that I still felt crappy afterwards. And I was like, man, I have named all of these reasons why I am amazing and everybody else sucks.

No, I'm just kidding, but yeah. Yeah. And I still was like, man, this still didn't solve, like I still have anxiety. I'm still worried about this. And I think that was the only thing that really tipped me off to wait a second. And then when you gave her a name, I was like, oh my goodness. Now it's clicking that both of those voices like when they come in together, usually for me that they both just try to, out play each other. I guess the monger and the BFF. Yeah, the monger and the BFF for me, like the monger gets really loud and then the BFF gets really loud and calms me down. But then, yeah, just that black and white thinking, I guess just gets amplified.

And then it's wait a second. Nobody wins here. I'm not feeling like a winner.

Nancy: Because that's what I think is fascinating. The longer I've done this, work with the happier approach, the more I realize it is an energetic thing. Yeah. Because something you and I have been working on is how energetically. You're like, everything's wow, it's really stressful. I don't know what I'm going to do this I am just overwhelmed. And there's just so much going on and, oh my gosh, it's just so exhausting. And, but your voice is way up high and talking, animated fill in the blank.

You could be saying. It's a beautiful day and sunny and gorgeous, but the words coming out of your mouth are negative. The tone is the same as is positive. And so I think, like you said, when your BFF and your monger are talking, you don't feel good. Yes.

Michelle: Yeah There's just that spinning energy and you're right.

That has been something that I've been really trying to work on. Cause I. Very much a oh, everything's fine. Yeah. I got this going on and that, but everything's really good. I'm grateful. I'm saying all the stressors and then yeah, and then later I'm like trying to express my feelings and I just can't because I just keep going oh everythings up here..

And to take it down and really really figure out what's going on and really dealing with those feelings. And that feeling sheet that you have also really helped me it gave me a tool for digging into those feelings and really acknowledging what was going on without judging it too.

Which is just so hard.

Nancy: Yes. Especially when you first start, I think. Yeah. Not judging the feelings is challenging because it's new. I think the pattern is you always want to be able to justify the feeling like I don't, I'm feeling angry. I shouldn't be feeling angry.

Why am I feeling angry? There's nothing to be angry about. Or I'm feeling sad about that letter from my boss about the theater, And to be in the class your teaching and then to be like, I shouldn't feel sad? What's the big deal.?Like we talk ourselves out of it instead of allowing it

Michelle: right.

Yes. Which, and it does like we just don't want to have that pain. Like we don't want to go there cause it does. I mean it hurts. It's painful, it's difficult. But definitely with this work, I. have found through the practice that I would rather go there now because of the long-term effects. I feel like just now in my life, I am able better able to handle those feelings because I know how to process them better through practice.

It really is a huge long-term effect with this work that I'm so grateful and that's what keeps me going through, like trying to choose the okay, let's sit down and just acknowledge what's happening here. Yeah. Yeah. That makes, that makes a lot of sense

Nancy: .What do you do to call in your biggest fan? And it doesn't have to be ask,

Michelle: oh man,

Nancy: Sometimes people have a different way of doing that. And so I'm just curious and if it is ASK, that's great. But if you have a different things, you do what would that be?

Michelle: I know I guess there are a couple of things throughout the years that I'm like, okay, I know I calmed down when I do this, usually taking a walk is a huge thing for me.

And I'm by myself, like taking a walk outside by myself really helps me drop into my body and yeah, getting my body moving for some reason just really helps. With the whole spinning of the mind for me, I don't spin out as much and I can drop down more into my heart and hear that voice of Hey, that sucks that the email, that some kids are not having a good time and are feeling unchallenged like that really sucks.

And let's sit down with our boss and brainstorm a couple ideas. So yeah, taking a walk, getting moving like that really does help for me. And. I'm an introvert. I have to say that up front. But also just sitting in silence, having some really just good white space for me helps me hear that voice a lot better too.

And I don't know if this is okay to say, but my faith is a big part of my life. So God is a big part that I feel like he really helps guide me in that voice of the biggest fan. I have this inner peace too. Which is, it's hard to explain. I always, when I bring that up, I feel like people are like, oh gosh, she's crazy.

But I do have this. I feel like people know it when they feel it, but just my chest tightens a lot when I get anxiety and I get a little bit short of breath. So when I call in that biggest fan voice I do feel my chest drop. I feel like I'm taking deeper breaths. Just my whole chest feels calm and looser, and that, I feel like that starts at least with me with my faith. And God, like I'll talk to God and and that will start to loosen my chest and I'll be like, okay. Things are. Okay. So that's how it plays out for me, at least. I don't know if I described that very well, so yeah, that and the walking that's how I get into my body and silence.

For me just having some silence where I'm not doing busy work Even I can get into that trap around the house where I'm just doing dishes and laundry and oh, I'll think of something else to do in that and that, and I just never sit down and process my feelings. I don't even, I'm like, ah, just to have that silence and sit is really good for me.

And I can hear the biggest fan a lot better than.

Nancy: I think it is such an energy. Even when you were describing the sitting on the couch and how, I that was such a great example of how the monger is you suck, you're terrible. This is, it's all your fault. And then your BFF steps in to be like no, it's everyone else's fault.

Or they've put too many people in the classroom or it's this and this. And then your biggest fan can step up to say, Yeah, there are too many people in the classroom. Yeah. There might be issues with the other teachers and we can figure this out by talking to her and see what she has to say.

Cause she's not threatening us. We're just trying to figure this out.

Michelle: Yes. Yes. That's. Yeah. And that's exactly. I had to go through like the crying. And then, yeah, and then that judgment of everybody else. And then I was like, wait a second. And now with all this practice, I'm like, wait a second. That doesn't really sound right either.

Like with the recognizing the BFF. And then, as soon as I say wait a second, That's not right either. Like that story doesn't really make sense. Then I'll be like, wait a second. I'm like, yeah. There's parts of that story. That makes sense. Yeah, there's a little bit of, maybe we have too many people in the class.

And then that kind of gets me brainstorming yeah, with the biggest fan, yeah. And maybe I can do a better job with collaborating with the other teachers, with the lesson plan. And this still really is hard and it sucks. And maybe I need to ask for help more. And, we were rushed because the technology in the room didn't work and, things like that, that, yeah.

I feel like helped me get to the biggest fan.

Nancy: I do want to hear. If someone's just starting this work, so go back in your brain to when you were just starting, what would be like three tips or however many you want to give to someone to, to help them?

Michelle: Man, that's such a good question.

Gosh, I don't know if this is a tip, but gosh, it always just sucks in the beginning. That's why I think if I would go back and tell myself. Something, I would definitely say Hey, this is a long road. This is not I think you would tell me this and other people would be like it's not going to happen like tomorrow.

And, but I think in the beginning I still believed it would now years later, I'm like, oh yeah, I, this is life man. This is just. This is how it rolls. Like I think we get better at coping with it. And I think your book does an amazing job at giving, us coping strategies and different ways to hardwire our thinking.

And that's. Practice for life is probably the first and second thing. I don't know. It was I had a really big journey I can in the middle of this big journey was a small journey of me really accepting myself .I don't even quite remember how it all came about, but there were a lot of things that I was doing because the monger was just really making me hustle and think that I should be doing things.

And so it's been really exciting to watch myself let go of some of those things that the monger has pushed me and all of these rules that Gerdy has given me. So it's been really. Awesome. I just feel more myself now than I ever have before, which is really awesome.

And I didn't expect that from this work. And then thirdly, it's been really helpful to have somebody to, to work with. I've had you and Isaac has been a huge part of this. I think finding someone to help you find those voices is really important.

Talking to someone and I'd be like, man, I suck at this and that. And they're like, That doesn't sound right. I don't think you suck. And then solely I'd be like, oh my gosh, that's Gerdy again. Oh yeah. I don't really suck at that. So that has been really really powerful and I so appreciate all those people in my life who have helped me out with it.

Nancy: Yeah. Yeah. I totally, I think you can't do this without having someone there pointing it out to you or being able for you to double-check it with

Michelle: right. Yes, I think that is huge

Nancy: Because I think that's, what's so powerful about the Voxer work. Yeah, that it's in real time, you can be checking out that voice instead of a waiting to come into the office.

And it's three weeks later and you've, you've had 50 other Mongo attacks, so who really cares

Michelle: and they're all the same.

Nancy: right?

Michelle: Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I think one other thing I would, that was just huge. The long-term effects of this work Anxiety was pretty much just running my life.

Like the hustle was just running my life 2, 3, 5 years ago. And now with this work and with the different voices, I feel like anxiety is there, but it's not running my life. Now I have my life and anxiety comes up and now I can deal with it. Instead of that was my life was the anxiety. Yes. Just all the time.

Yeah.

Nancy: The thing that's amazing is I know you guys are, in the next couple of years, hoping to start a family and that, so often I see clients who are doing this work because they see the anxiety in their kids. And so that you have somewhat figured out before you have kids.

And so raising them, you can help them decipher this stuff is, cause genetics. No offense, your kids are probably going to have anxiety,

Michelle: poor, little darlings.

Nancy: And so maybe Isaac's genetics will win out and it won't be, it won't be the case, but that you have these skillsets in place to teach them. It's just such a victory for you to put, to not really passing this down to the next generation in this, with the same skill sets.

Michelle: That's true that I remember you did say that to me one day and that really hit me cause I was like, wow, I can, I really actually do feel like I'm capable to help them through the navigating that anxiety, which is amazing. I don't think I ever would have said that phrase, a year ago. Yeah. So it's, that's really amazing. Very cool. Cool.

Nancy: Okay. We wrapped up that last little bit in, in good time. So thank you so much for doing this and sharing your personal experience.

I know that's not always easy. And so I really appreciate you being vulnerable enough to hop on here with us and just thank you for having me.

Michelle: You are so welcome.

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If you don’t do it, who will? If you’re not hustling, pushing, and keeping it all together yourself, nothing will get done.

Look, you don’t need me to tell you that. You tell yourself every day. There’s that voice inside your head constantly pushing you to do more, be more, and get closer to perfect.

And there are all the people--your family, friends, and random people on the street--who congratulate you on how productive you are.

Mixed messages, am I right?

I know I’m right because I’ve dealt with high-functioning anxiety too. I know what it’s like to relish the accolades that come your way one minute and shame yourself for being so tired and overwhelmed the next.

And, I’ve been working with women like you living with hidden anxiety every day for over 20 years as a coach and counselor.

I wrote The Happier Approach to give you a framework for dealing with your anxiety and start living happier.

The Happier Approach will help you understand the voices in your head and what to do with them. It’s not another woo-woo self-help book that asks you to think positively and live your best life. It’s a practical guidebook for getting out of survival mode and finding a genuinely happy and productive life.

Know someone who has High Functioning Anxiety and a VERY LOUD Monger. The Happier Approach makes a great gift.

Find The Happier Approach on Amazon, Audible, or Barnes & Noble!

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Episode 111: The Voices In Your Head–The BFF

In today’s episode, I am talking about the BFF the voice we most often use to counter our Monger. Our BFF enables us to rebel against the voice of our Monger. When we get tired of our Monger criticizing us, we bring in our BFF for a little self-compassion.

This month we are talking about the 3 characters that chat at us throughout the day and are at the core of The Happier Approach. 

Last week we talked about the Monger–the mean voice tells us we’re not good enough. Today, we are going to talk about the voice we most often use to counter our Monger: the BFF

Our BFF enables us to rebel against the voice of our Monger. When we get tired of our Monger criticizing us, we bring in our BFF for a little self-compassion.

Our BFF is the one who always has our back. She is the type of BFF who is always willing to risk getting into trouble and is always there to defend us.

But she is not about holding our feet to the fire or keeping us accountable. 

She is very good at finding justification and someone else to blame. She is all about helping us feel special. She is kind and wants us to feel good about ourselves. In her mind, responsibility, accountability, and restraint do not apply. 

Listening to our BFF can be risky. Our BFF loves false self-compassion and uses it as a way to give us an excuse to just do whatever we want.

Our BFF can make us feel awesome, but she can lead to trouble.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• Where our BFF shows up in our lives

• What Self-Compassion means to our BFF

• How the BFF isn’t really helping the situation or looking out for our best interests by stirring up drama with our Monger

• How to find the middle ground between “soldiering on” through the cruelty of our Monger and the false self-compassion of our BFF

• Previous Episode 110: The Voices In Your Head–The Monger

+ Read the Transcript

With tears in her eyes, Sarah walks out of the conference room and makes it to the bathroom just before the waterworks begin. My boss just screamed at me in that meeting. I knew we were late on deadlines, but I didn’t think we were THAT late. How did I miss it? I spent all week organizing customer feedback. I didn’t realize he wanted us to be writing the copy already!

Then she hears her old friend the Monger, “You are going to get fired for this mistake. Did you see how angry your boss was? You totally missed the boat on this one. How could you be so irresponsible? Funny that you stayed late to work on the customer feedback, and that wasn’t what was important. Yet again, you have your priorities mixed up.

It doesn’t take long before her BFF has her back. “Come on, girlfriend, your boss is such an A-Hole. I mean to publicly call you out like that is just rude. You had like five projects last week; how were you supposed to know that the copy was most important. They say communication is the key—where was the communication?!”

Her Monger is quick with a rebuttal, “You are the employee. It is your job to know when stuff is due. You should have asked, but you are such a wimp you were too afraid to ask.”

“Ha! Too afraid to ask. That is rich,” says her BFF, “you deserve to have some respect. You work your butt off around here, and for what? No one even tells you what is due when. It is so disrespectful. You are practicing compassion here, so you need to be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. He should have been clearer. He saw that you were working on the spreadsheet. Why didn’t he say something?”

“Come on. The bottom line, you messed up. You are going to lose your job. It’s as simple as that,” declares her Monger.

And around and around they go.

“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”

This Month we are talking about the three characters that chat at us throughout the day and are at the core of The Happier Approach. Last week we talked about the Monger, and today, we are going to talk about it with the voice we most often use to counter our Monger: the BFF.

Your BFF enables us to rebel against the mean voice of our Monger. When we get tired of our Monger criticizing us, you bring in your BFF for a little self-compassion, but it often ends up going overboard into false self-compassion (aka doing whatever you want). Your BFF loves false self-compassion.

Your BFF is the one who always has your back, is always willing to risk getting into trouble, is always there to defend you—that BFF. She is not about holding your feet to the fire or keeping you accountable but is always able to find a justification and someone to blame. She is all about helping you feel special. She is kind and wants you to feel good about yourself. In her mind, responsibility, accountability, and restraint do not apply. Listening to her can feel awesome, and she can be trouble.

To Your BFF, self-compassion means:

You are always right.

They are always wrong.

You deserve whatever your heart desires.

Fun is #1.

She will protect you to the death.

Your BFF enables you to rebel against the mean voice of your Monger. When you get tired of your Monger criticizing you, you bring in your BFF for a little self-compassion, but it often ends up going overboard into false self-compassion (aka doing whatever you want). Your BFF loves false self-compassion.

Last episode, I talked about my quest to quiet the Monger. This quest started because I watched my Dad, a man in his 70s ravaged by Parkinson’s with Dementia who looked back on his well-accomplished life and still didn’t feel good enough. His Monger convinced him that no matter what he did, he was a failure.

As I started on this quest, I read as much as I could about how to quiet the inner critic (aka Monger). The advice was to love yourself no matter what (aka practice self-compassion), so I became obsessed with the subject of self-compassion. I chatted with clients and friends. I practiced self-compassion exercises like repeating positive mantras and telling myself how awesome I was.

To be honest, the idea of loving myself no matter what was radical and foreign. It sounded great, but it wasn’t something I could do 100 percent of the time. Hell, I couldn’t even do it 20 percent of the time.

The problem was twofold: One, my Monger voice was painful and stressing me out. Two, when I practiced what I thought was self-compassion, it would lead to a short respite, but in the end, it made my Monger more fired up. I realized that just finding self-compassion was not enough.

I was living in this constant back and forth between the extremes of my Monger and the false “do whatever you want” version of self-compassion. Ultimately, my Monger always won. She always convinced me that I wouldn’t accomplish anything without her constant correction.

I started exploring self-acceptance, self-compassion, and the idea that you are supposed to talk to yourself like you are your own best friend. I spent a long time getting to know my inner best friend (I call her my BFF). She was kind and nice, but I quickly discovered she was more of an enabler.

She was the opposite of my Monger, encouraging freedom and kindness to counteract my Monger’s shame and belittling. Unfortunately, I also quickly noticed that all my BFF did was fight with my Monger. Yes, she had my back. Yes, she wanted me to be happy. But she wasn’t really helping the situation or looking out for my best interests. She was just stirring up drama with my Monger.

I noticed the same issues with my clients. The more we explored self-compassion, the more confused they became. We uncovered the practice of false self-compassion, where we equated loving ourselves with a free pass to do whatever we wanted. Their BFF would encourage cake and chardonnay, only to be met with the Monger suggesting they were fat alcoholics who didn’t deserve such treats.

Let’s see how Sarah’s BFF is chiming in after the meeting went south. As Sarah drives home from her terrible day, she calls her best friend and shares all the drama of the day. She throws her co-workers under the bus, blames her boss, and deflects all responsibility of the day. Her best friend is supportive and immediately starts chiming in how much people suck and how hard it is to be a good employee with the lack of support we receive. Sarah stops at the grocery store to pick up a pint of ice cream and a bottle of wine and throws in a bag of chocolates for good measure. She deserves it! It has been a crappy day! At home, she tells the whole story again to her spouse; her BFF has fine-tuned it now to showcase how the world is conspiring to get her, and if it wasn’t for all the incompetent people she works with, this would never have happened.

She pours herself a glass of wine, grabs some chocolates, and starts the nightly duties of dinner, homework, and bedtime. By the time the kids are in bed, Sarah is 3 glasses in and ready to devour the pint of ice cream. Her BFF tells her that she is fine; she deserves to eat as much as she wants. In the spirit of false self-compassion, her BFF is taking Sarah down a dark, miserable road. Yes, her Monger isn’t chatting at her, she isn’t being negative on herself, but she is definitely sabotaging her goals and her relationships.

She has already picked a fight with her spouse, yelled at her kids, and her mood is miserable. She crawls into bed and passes out, angry and feeling alone, justified that no one understands her plight.

Here are some ways your BFF shows up:

Overindulging and Numbing, That 3rd glass of wine, the whole pint of ice cream, shopping with no regard for your budget, or spending the whole weekend hiding out bingeing on Netflix these are just some of the ways your BFF encourages you to blow off steam and decrease the pressure of the Monger.

I DESERVE, your BFF’s love to tell you that ‘you deserve’ things. This language is a sign that you are in the trance of the BFF. Have a bad day? You deserve a glass of wine! Have a good day? You deserve a glass of wine? She can justify anything. The question to ask is, do you want it? Saying you deserve takes the power away from enjoying it. If you WANT the 3rd glass of wine, drink it in good health, enjoy every last drop, not because you deserve it but because that glass of wine will add to the enjoyment of your life.

Judging: Your BFF loves to judge other people in order to protect you. She is the first to point out when someone else has failed, looks bad, or is not doing well. In an effort to have your back, she will quickly point out others’ flaws to make you look better.

Causing Drama: Your BFF also LOVE drama. Drama deflects from reality. She loves to complain, whine and encourage you to share the story over and over again. She can make everyone else the problem and you the poor misunderstood hero.

Whenever I notice myself displaying any of these behaviors, I recognize that it is my BFF talking which usually means my Monger has been chatting as well. Wherever the BFF is, so is the Monger.

This war between the BFF and the Monger plays out because we live in an all-or-nothing world. We try so hard to do it right, and we are wound so tight in the goal of following all the rules perfectly that we go from one extreme (Monger = complete rule-following) to another (BFF = doing whatever you want).

Because she is the opposite of your Monger, your BFF tends to perpetuate the problem. She just gives your Monger more ammunition.

I won’t disagree that listening to your BFF is fun and easy. She always knows how to have a good time, and she is a welcome relief from the voice of your Monger. For years I was stuck here, going back and forth between my BFF and my Monger. I told myself I was channeling self-compassion and being kind to myself, but in reality, I was just making the problem bigger and more confusing. Their constant arguing and battle of wills left me on a hamster wheel of worry and anxiety.

I also see this with my clients. They get stuck in this pattern of “soldiering on” and listening to their Monger and then releasing the pressure with their BFF’s false self-compassion.

Finding that middle ground is hard, but it is where the magic is. Because sometimes you need to take responsibility. Sometimes it isn’t all about fun and deserving. Sometimes it is about getting stuff done. If we want to fully embrace our lives and do hard things, we have to get stuff done even when it is uncomfortable.

Next week I will be talking about how to get in touch with THAT voice, the voice of kindness and wisdom, your Biggest Fan. See you next week!!

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If you don’t do it, who will? If you’re not hustling, pushing, and keeping it all together yourself, nothing will get done.

Look, you don’t need me to tell you that. You tell yourself every day. There’s that voice inside your head constantly pushing you to do more, be more, and get closer to perfect.

And there are all the people--your family, friends, and random people on the street--who congratulate you on how productive you are.

Mixed messages, am I right?

I know I’m right because I’ve dealt with high-functioning anxiety too. I know what it’s like to relish the accolades that come your way one minute and shame yourself for being so tired and overwhelmed the next.

And, I’ve been working with women like you living with hidden anxiety every day for over 20 years as a coach and counselor.

I wrote The Happier Approach to give you a framework for dealing with your anxiety and start living happier.

The Happier Approach will help you understand the voices in your head and what to do with them. It’s not another woo-woo self-help book that asks you to think positively and live your best life. It’s a practical guidebook for getting out of survival mode and finding a genuinely happy and productive life.

Know someone who has High Functioning Anxiety and a VERY LOUD Monger. The Happier Approach makes a great gift.

Find The Happier Approach on Amazon, Audible, or Barnes & Noble!

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Episode 110: The Voices In Your Head–The Monger

In today’s episode, I am talking about the Monger and how she is such an important part of understanding and managing our High Functioning Anxiety.

There is a voice in your head.

It is a horrible voice that tells you that you are a slow, stupid loser who will never succeed. It tells you that everyone but you has it figured out and that at any moment you are going to be found out for the fraud that you are.

That voice in your head? That is the voice of the Monger.

Everyone has a Monger, but those of us with High Functioning Anxiety have an exceptionally loud and nasty Monger.

Many of us aren't even aware of how much the Monger is talking to us. We know that we are feeling anxious or stressed, but are unaware that it is coming from an internal voice–a voice of belittling, name-calling, and just plain nastiness. 

This voice can viciously chatter at us all day, every day, and we just push through.

There are other voices in your head–the BFF and the Biggest Fan–but of the 3 characters that are at the core of The Happier Approach, the Monger is the loudest of them all. 

That is why we are starting this month's series about the voices in our head by talking at length about the Monger and how she is such an important part of understanding and managing our High Functioning Anxiety.

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• Where does the Monger come from?

• How the Monger is like a first responder whose mission is to keep us safe and how she uses shame, belittling, guilt, and negativity to complete that mission

• How despite what we think, we don’t need the Monger’s shame and belittling to be successful

• How the feeling of “enoughness” that we crave will never be found as long as we keep listing to the voice of the Monger

• Why fighting back against the Monger on her terms doesn’t work and what to do instead

• And how admitting that we don’t need the Monger’s shame is an important step toward moving past it

+ Read the Transcript

You walk into work feeling good. Your current project has been a little bumpy, but you feel on top of things now and know all will be well. As you pass your boss’ office, he calls you in. A little nervous, you sit down, and he explains to you that there is going to be a project meeting that morning, and you are responsible for leading it. The point of the meeting is to give a progress report on your project and help explain why it had been bumpy and where it is headed. You smile confidently and walk out of the office. As you walk down the hall, you feel your neck tense, you have pain in the pit of your stomach, and internally you immediately start freaking out.

Logically, you know you can do this presentation. Yes, there were bumps, but they are all explainable, and all have been dealt with. Logically, you know that no one really cares as long as the project keeps moving along and you hit the deadline. But logic is pointless because emotionally, you think, “I am a terrible project manager. I am going to suck at this presentation, they are going to nail me to the wall, and I am going to get fired right on the spot. I should never have gotten out of bed this morning”.

“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”

That voice? The one that tells you you’re a terrible project manager and you should have never gotten out of bed? That is the voice of the Monger.” That is the voice of the Monger. For the past five years, my work has been about helping people quiet their Monger.

I have talked about the Monger at length in previous episodes, but she is such an important part of High Functioning Anxiety I wanted to dive into her again.

Your Monger tells you that you are always behind.

Everyone else has it figured out but you.

They will see you are a fraud.

You are a slow, stupid loser who will never succeed.

Everyone has a Monger, but those of us with High Functioning Anxiety have an exceptionally loud and nasty Monger, and many of us aren’t even aware of how much she is talking to us. It can chat all day, every day, and many people are just unaware. They know they are feeling more anxious or stressed, but they are unaware that it is coming from an internal voice - a voice of belittling, name-calling, and just plain nastiness.

This Month we are talking about the three characters that chat at us throughout the day and are at the core of The Happier Approach. Today, we are going to start with the loudest of them all: your Monger.

A Monger, according to Merriam-Webster, is “Something that attempts to stir up or spread something that is usually petty or discreditable.”

That voice in our head is your Monger, and she is trying to stir shit up. Our Monger tells us how much we suck, that we are total failures, terrible parents, worthless employees, and all-around losers. (Sound a little harsh? Listen to yourself one of these days, and I bet you’ll see that I’m not too far off.)

It chimes at us throughout the day - creating doubt, anxiety, depression, insecurity, and overall “stuckness.”

Experts disagree on where this voice comes from. Theories range from it being your ego, your lizard brain, your limiting beliefs, even your parents limiting beliefs. You can call it your evil twin, gremlin, vampire, demon - or, as I like to say, your MONGER. Regardless of how you refer to it or where it came from, it’s THERE, and QUITE honestly, the bottom line is how she got there doesn’t really matter. How your Monger got there is not as important as what her behavior is and how her behavior affects you now.

Remember that scenario with your boss? He asked you to present your progress on the big project, explain the bumps in the road, and get everyone up to date on how things are moving forward. Simple enough, right?

Well, your subconscious treats this scenario like a house fire. Deep in your brain, the toaster has overheated, the drapes have caught on fire, and the smoke alarms are going off.

Your Monger is like the first responder, pulling up at the scene, sirens blazing. She arrives and springs into action, prepared to do whatever it takes to secure the scene. She will do whatever she thinks it takes to keep you safe and secure. Just not as lovingly as the fire department and paramedic first responders.

The truth is, like the real first responder, the Monger’s job is to keep us safe. Her sole mission is to scan the environment for any potential harm, risk, or danger and protect us from it. Her mission is to keep us safe from failing. That is a great mission. She is very helpful when we are walking down a dark street alone or preparing to do something scary. But in everyday life, we don’t need quite that much protection.

I have found that she has three main rules to help her complete this mission:

1. Don’t make a mistake. This is where your perfectionism comes into play. You, Monger, is vigilant that the only way to avoid criticism is to be perfect (a friendly reminder, this is impossible)

2. Don’t stand out. Your Monger loves for you to blend in; if you blend, you won’t get criticized. She encourages you to constantly compare yourself to others so you can make sure you aren’t too outside the norms.

3. Don’t be too vulnerable. Heaven forbid you share what is really going on. If people KNOW you are weak, then they can really criticize you.

If any of those rules are broken, she uses shame, belittling, guilt, and negativity to move us back in line. Ironic that she is helping you avoid criticism from the outside world when her criticism is 1000 times worse.

Going through our day-to-day world, we are going to break one of these rules and feel the consequences. But if you want to do something big? Stretch yourself out of your comfort zone? Well, that is when we get into REAL trouble. When we try something new or take a risk (no matter how small), our Monger gets scared and wants to keep us safe.

Unfortunately, your Monger has a perfect memory. She catalogs and recalls every failure, mistake, or doubt you ever had and isn’t afraid to use them against you on this mission to keep you safe. In an attempt to protect you from making a mistake, she will remind you of every failure you’ve ever made.

If we attack our Monger using her methods, it rarely works. If we tell our Monger to shut up, she will just fight back harder.

But what I want you to hear is that, yes, our Monger is harsh. Yes, she can be annoying, belittling, and downright nasty. And she is still a part of you. She is there to keep you safe. Her methods might be nasty, but her intent is a good one.

So telling a part of ourselves to “shut up” or “quit being a bitch” just doesn’t work. Fighting shame with shame never works.

The whole point of this work is that we need to be KIND to ourselves,

Just like the evil witch who locked Rapunzel in the castle to keep her innocence safe, your Monger convinces you that she is there to protect you. That you need her to keep you from looking stupid or failing. But really, this is all just a bunch of propaganda. Lies, pure lies! You don’t NEED her, AND you don’t need to be yelling at her either. I know it is a confusing idea. But shaming a bully doesn’t work. The only way to work with a bully is to not give it too much power.

The problem is WAY too many of us believe that we NEED our Monger to be successful. You don’t need to be shamed and belittled to be successful. This is the part that no one believes, so I will say it again: you don’t need to be shamed and belittled to be successful.

One of my favorite stories about this idea that we need the Monger comes from one of my best friends, you might have heard this one before. Years ago, I taught a class on the Monger and was sharing similar information as I am now, and after it was over, one of my best friends came up to so excited me and said, “I LOVE this information,” she beamed, and I did too because I KNEW she had a very loud Monger and then she said with a smile, “But I am not going to implement any of it, because I still need my Monger. I mean, I won’t get anything done if I don’t have my Monger.”

I laughed with her, and we joked around about eating bonbons and watching too much TV if she didn’t have her Monger. But the conversation stuck with me. Over the next few days, I realized that’s how I feel too. I secretly believe I won’t get anything done without my Monger. At the time, I didn’t realize this was my HFA talking.

And we laughed and joked around about how her Monger was helping her, blah, blah, blah. As I got home, I realized that’s kind of how I felt too, that I won’t get anything done without this Monger.

The truth was, even as I taught about the Monger and shared with people the dangers of this negative voice, I was secretly getting eaten alive by my own Monger. This was when I decided I needed to do something about this Monger thing. It needed to stop.

My friend and I weren’t alone, whenever I would speak about the Monger, I would always get pushback. They believed they needed their Monger to be successful. They believed that without their Monger criticizing them, they wouldn’t get out of bed to work out, stop at one drink, speak up at the meeting, or rush across town to make it to their kid’s soccer game.

Why are we listening to something that is causing us pain? Because growing up, we learned that at our core, we are useless human beings, and without the constant direction of our Monger, we would be lumps on the couch, bingeing on Netflix and doughnuts while our home and lives lay in ruins. But the problem runs deeper. It isn’t the voice itself; the problem is our belief that we need the voice to accomplish our goals in life.

Because we believe that we need the voice of the mean, shaming Monger, the idea of giving ourselves compassion and kindness is completely foreign. Our Monger convinces us that the one thing we need the most—kindness and compassion—is the thing that will keep us unsuccessful and unhappy.

Because your Monger believes she is there to keep you safe, protected, and successful, she acts like she is your friend. But in reality, she is making you miserable. She is constantly preying on your insecurities in order to keep you small and part of the status quo. She drives you to be perfect when perfection doesn’t actually exist (even though she is really good at convincing you it does).

You want to feel successful, fulfilled, and happier, yet you have this voice in your head chiming in all day long about how you missed the mark. You will never feel successful as long as you are listening to the Monger. She will always make you feel insecure. Your search for feeling “enough”—powerful enough, strong enough, happy enough, successful enough—will never be fulfilled as long as you are listening to her.

We wouldn’t do this to a child, would we? Take Joey, who enters second grade unable to read. Truth be told, there are lots of reasons and people to blame, but the bottom line is Joey can’t read. Joey’s teacher doesn’t say to him, “You are so stupid, how did you make it to second grade without learning how to read? Wow, your parents really failed you.” No, Joey’s teachers meet Joey where he is. Because he can’t read and they can admit that, they don’t waste time beating him up about that fact. They simply help him read. They help him get to the root of the problem (e.g., his fear or lack of desire or knowledge) in order to move past whatever is in his way.

If Joey’s teachers were critical of his inability to read, he might be motivated to learn simply to avoid their criticism, but he would dread school and not be excited about learning new things. But if they meet him where he is, accepts that he can’t read, and skip the part where they beat him up about it, he can learn a lot faster and develop a love of learning.

Admitting that we don’t need the Monger’s shame is an important step in moving past it. Because the truth is we can’t change anything until we own it. Our Monger keeps us stuck in blame and criticism. She never allows us to move past the shame so we can see what we need to do to move forward.

The bottom line is– and I know this now to the depth of my being– I don’t need my Monger to be successful, and neither do you. We are going to accomplish more by accepting ourselves where we are and working with what we have rather than constantly berating ourselves. I promise you will accomplish more without listening to your Monger. You will be happier, more successful, and sleep better.

When you notice the Monger blaming and criticizing you in an attempt to motivate you, try to remove the blame and criticism. Try to separate fact (what you need to own about the situation) from fiction (the shame and criticism).

Think of yourself as an eight-year-old child. What would you say to that eight-year-old who needed some motivation? Would you criticize her, or would you kindly offer solutions?

This idea of self-kindness is something I look at in detail in Episode 101; give it a listen. In upcoming episodes, as I unveil the other characters, I will be offering more tips for quieting your Monger.

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If you don’t do it, who will? If you’re not hustling, pushing, and keeping it all together yourself, nothing will get done.

Look, you don’t need me to tell you that. You tell yourself every day. There’s that voice inside your head constantly pushing you to do more, be more, and get closer to perfect.

And there are all the people--your family, friends, and random people on the street--who congratulate you on how productive you are.

Mixed messages, am I right?

I know I’m right because I’ve dealt with high-functioning anxiety too. I know what it’s like to relish the accolades that come your way one minute and shame yourself for being so tired and overwhelmed the next.

And, I’ve been working with women like you living with hidden anxiety every day for over 20 years as a coach and counselor.

I wrote The Happier Approach to give you a framework for dealing with your anxiety and start living happier.

The Happier Approach will help you understand the voices in your head and what to do with them. It’s not another woo-woo self-help book that asks you to think positively and live your best life. It’s a practical guidebook for getting out of survival mode and finding a genuinely happy and productive life.

Know someone who has High Functioning Anxiety and a VERY LOUD Monger. The Happier Approach makes a great gift.

Find The Happier Approach on Amazon, Audible, or Barnes & Noble!

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Episode 108: Why Shame Is At The Root Of High Functioning Anxiety

Shame is at the root of all anxiety. The more you can start building resilience around your shame, the more you can heal your High Functioning Anxiety.

Shame is at the root of all anxiety.

Everyone who struggles with anxiety has an underlying belief that they are unworthy, unqualified, a fraud. This belief causes them to worry and anxiously ruminate over feelings of shame and unworthiness. 

We expect people with generalized anxiety, the kind of anxiety we've come to know through TV and memes – hiding out, not engaging, numbing – to respond to these feelings by disappearing into themselves. This reaction is triggered by their shame.

But not you. High Functioning Anxiety sends you down a different path.  

No, your response is to over function. Your High Functioning Anxiety has you convinced that the way through the shame is to push yourself more, to accomplish more, to people please, hustle, and polish it all to perfection. All of this in the hope that you can relieve the feelings of shame and anxiety. 

This month on The Happier Approach we’ve been talking about how High Functioning Anxiety plays out in your everyday life. And no conversation about High Functioning Anxiety would be complete without talking about shame. 

Listen to today’s episode to learn:

• How shame plays out in the everyday lives of people with High Functioning Anxiety

• What the difference is between shame and guilt

• How to know when you are acting out of shame by learning to identify Three Strategies of Disconnection:

  • Moving away from your shame

  • Moving against your shame

  • And moving toward your shame

• And practical approaches to building shame resilience

  • Acknowledge the shame and ask for real empathy for what you are feeling

  • Give yourself kindness and compassion around your feelings

  • And start paying attention to your rules and then lovingly remind yourself to let it go

References & Resources:

• Psychologist Linda Hartling’s Strategy of Disconnection.

• Brene Brown Daring Way

• Her video on empathy

• And my book The Happier Approach

+ Read the Transcript

“Maybe you shouldn’t have shared that information about your Dad, I mean, the only thing people who are sick have control over is when they share the information.” And with that sentence, a fellow counselor sent me into one of the biggest shame spirals of my life.

I had just shared with my small group at a conference that after getting approval from my Mom, I had written a blog post about my Dad’s dementia in order to educate people on the horror of dementia. Afterward, this counselor pulled me aside to share with me her thoughts on my behavior.

What happened next was ugly, I immediately smiled and said, “Thanks, you are right. Maybe I shouldn’t have shared my dad’s health on my blog.” and she nodded at me knowingly. As we returned to the main conference. I thought, what just happened!? Why am I thanking her for calling me out on something that is none of her business?!?!

“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”

This month we are talking about High Functioning Anxiety and how to see it playing out in your everyday life. No conversation about High Functioning Anxiety would be complete without talking about Shame, Shame is at the root of anxiety.

I spent the next few days of the conference in a huge shame spiral, obsessing about my Dad, worrying that I had betrayed him. I was ruminating about my qualifications as a counselor, daughter, and caregiver! That one conversation turned me into an anxious mess.

All of the symptoms I talked about last episode came out in full force. I spent the rest of the conference over-performing, trying to prove to myself and everyone else that I was a capable counselor I took tons of notes and attended every session.

I called my parents multiple times to check in and made sure I was a loving, kind daughter. I laid awake each night, playing and re-playing the initial confrontation and my thought process behind writing about my Dad. Why did I do that? That was so stupid, I told myself over and over again. Each night rather than being social with the other attendees, I hid out in my room, numbing on movies and room service.

Shame is at the root of all anxiety.

Here’s how it works:

You have the underlying belief you are an unworthy, unqualified, fraud and that causes you to have anxiety to worry and over ruminate about the shame and feelings of unworthiness.

And then high functioning anxiety sends you down a different path. What we expect with generalized anxiety, the kind we’ve come to know through TV and memes, is hiding out, not engaging, and numbing. Anxious people disappear into themselves--and shame is often the trigger that pushes them there.

But not you.

No, your response is to OVER function. Your High Functioning Anxiety has convinced you that the way through the shame is to push yourself more, to accomplish more, to people please, hustle, and polish it all to perfection. ALL in the hope that you can relieve the feelings of shame and anxiety. You think things like “I will show them” or “Who is SHE to judge me? I will own her one day.” or “she won’t be saying those things when I have achieved ____ (hello when-then syndrome) as opposed to Generalized anxiety where the response is to protect yourself by using the coping mechanisms of hiding out, not engaging and numbing.

This mix of shame and high functioning anxiety is why all the attempts to stop people-pleasing or stop being a perfectionist don’t work UNLESS you start dealing with the shame and anxiety. That is not to say that all people who engage in people-pleasing and perfectionism have HFA, but I want to make the point that if your attempts to loosen up your people-pleasing and perfectionism haven’t worked, it might be a deeper problem.

So what is shame? I think a great way to define shame is to clear up the difference between shame and guilt. Frequently clients will say to me, I have a lot of guilt, but what they really mean is shame.

As Brené Brown explains so well, guilt is I DID something bad where Shame is, I am Bad.

The beauty of guilt is that you can rectify it. If I did something bad, I can apologize, fix it, make amends change the behavior, etc. Let’s say You forget to pick up your husband’s prescription at the store. When you get home, he asks where it is, and you immediately feel guilty, so say, “Oh, I totally forgot to get it! I am sorry, I can head out after we eat and pick it up.” You did something bad. You apologize, you make it right.

As opposed to shame, there is nothing you can do to fix it because YOU as a person are flawed. Your response is, “I am such an idiot! I can’t believe I forgot it, let me head out right now and get it.” You miss family dinner because you are out picking up the script and drive like a maniac because you are so full of anxiety as your inner dialogue keeps playing what a terrible forgetful loser you are and how you HAVE to get better organized.

Frequently we take an action that we did wrong and turn it into the fact that who we as a person is wrong and rather than simply apologizing for an honest human mistake, it becomes a shame spiral about how irresponsible you are.

Another example, you forget a meeting at work. You forgot to put it on your calendar, again honest human mistake. You feel guilty, you go to your boss you apologize you ask how can you make it up or what did you miss, you have a good conversation you move on. With shame you spend the whole day in your office and beating yourself up for missing the meeting because that means you are a terrible employee and then your anxiety steps in to tell you that you will probably get fired.

To avoid shame, we often opt for a “strategy of disconnection.”. Psychologist Linda Hartling (2000) identifies three such “strategies,”

The first strategy of disconnection is Moving Away

This involves withdrawal hiding, silence and secrecy

You work really hard on a project at work only for it to be met with a wondrous thud. So you Grab your pint of ice cream and head for the couch and a Netflix binge.

Common thoughts “I am a failure, I am never going to succeed, I should just give up now”

The second strategy of disconnection is moving Against

Which involves becoming aggressive (yep, even passive aggressive), trying to humiliate someone else and being judgmental.

A fellow Mom calls you out for missing 2 volunteer days in a row. As she walks away, you think, “Who do you think you are to tell me THAT” “Look at what she is wearing today, and she is going to criticize me!?!” Next time you see her, you mention how easy it must be to be a “non-working Mom.”

The third strategy of disconnection is moving towards

Which involves people-pleasing trying to earn connection again. This is what I did when the woman at the conference called me out for sharing my Dad’s illness. This one was the most challenging for me to understand, and ironically it is my go-to. I think because it seems so counterintuitive, and yet I see it all the time in my office. People who say nasty things to my clients and they turn around and try to make them LIKE them more.

What I love about knowing these ways of disconnection is they help me recognize when I am acting out of a place of shame. So when I notice myself talking about someone or worrying about getting someone to like me or hitting the “yes I am still watching” button on Netflix, I know to check in with myself and see if shame is showing up.

Because shame is so tied to anxiety, what can you do about it?

The first step you will always hear me say is Acknowledge it. Acknowledging is just so important because it is something we do not do. Especially people with HFA, we have become masters of ignoring, denying, moving on to the next thing. So we engage in one of the shame defenses and push even harder to prove ourselves. The problem with this ignoring (other than the obvious) is that it keeps you stuck in unhealthy coping skills you. BUT when you can acknowledge it, you can do something about it. You can start shifting the belief that you are unworthy and broken and start recognizing you are human, and sometimes being human is HARD, but that doesn’t mean you are broken or unworthy.

And then Be kind to yourself, another one you hear me say all the time also because we don’t do it, and it is totally counter-intuitive to us.

I have a funny story about that, in 2014, I became certified in Brene Brown’s Daring Way, which is her methodology to build shame resilience. According to Brené there are 2 ways to combat shame

1. Empathy. Seeking out people who can relate to you and give you real empathy. If you haven’t watched her Video on Empathy I HIGHLY recommend it and even if you have, I highly recommend a re-watch just to refresh you.

2. Self-Compassion. Being kind to yourself, giving yourself some grace and love.

   I walked away from that certification training and had spun it to be 70% Empathy and 30% self-compassion. So, I went back to my office and started doing groups around The Daring Way and I would teach people to seek out empathy talk to others, get support etc. And then my clients who attended the groups would come back to me and say it just isn’t working. They would say, “I talked to a bunch of people who were empathetic, and I still feel consumed with shame.” Then I saw Brené Brown in an interview with Kristen Neff, who is a leading expert on Self-Compassion and Brené said “I struggle with self-compassion”, And I realized man I do too. And then it hit me, “oh my I took Brené’s unconscious bias about self-compassion and applied MY bias about self-compassion and poured that on my clients who also had a bias against self-compassion and the result was teaching them that empathy was more important than self-compassion. When in reality, empathy was just easier (for US!) than self-compassion. People with HFA can find other that support them and give them understanding what they Struggle to do is support themselves.

   The truth is you can line up 10 people who genuinely believe you are a kind, gentle good person who can talk you down from a shame spiral and you feel great for 5 minutes after but if YOU can’t give yourself kindness it goes nowhere. You end up repeatedly telling the story about how much you suck and what a terrible parent you are, you receive support and then BAM you feel crappy 10 minutes later. So you go back out into the world and tell the story AGAIN and the pattern happens over and over.

The problem is 2 fold, because people with HFA struggle so much with their emotions they tell the story as if it were a news report. “This person did me wrong, I feel crappy” and your friend chimes in with “yes they are terrible what an awful person, you are awesome forget about them.” So your friend isn’t really giving you empathy about how you are feeling and what you are experiencing she is giving you support around your news report.

What is missing is the actual feelings and emotions behind the story, “I feel defeated, miserable, sad and completely unworthy. This interaction has rocked me to my core.”

And secondly, Empathy without self-compassion doesn’t solve the problem. You HAVE to be kind to yourself and give yourself some love.

When I was in a shame spiral during the conference I told everyone I could about this terrible woman who shamed me but I never acknowledge how much it really HURT me. How it did rock me to the core how it did question whether I was a good daughter and therapist. Now common wisdom is to say, ‘Stop thinking that way you are giving her your power, why are you allowing her to take up space in your brain.” Which is a true statement but that statement doesn’t work until AFTER you acknowledge your feelings. AFTER you drop into your body and say wow that really hurt. I feel sad about that and just allow yourself to feel it. THEN you can say is there an action I need to take (this goes back to the idea of guilt vs shame, sometimes you did do something wrong and you need to make amends), do I need to talk with my Dad about this situation? Now for me this was more complicated because my Dad had dementia so checking with him about sharing his story was impossible but I did check with my Mom again and we had a conversation about it. And finally you can say ok time to move on, I need to stop giving her my power. And as a heads up you might need to repeat this process, acknowledge the feelings, give yourself some love, tell yourself time to move on.

In addition to empathy and compassion another idea is to start paying attention to your ‘good person rules’ People with HFA have a lot of Good person rules

These are usually super rigid and when you really look at them, they are a little silly

Such as “A good Mom is always willing to play with their child.”

A good spouse goes to bed when their partner is ready.

A good Mom makes dinner every night.

A good friend texts back right away.

A good worker always says yes.

Start paying attention to your rules and start to loosen them up a bit. Ask yourself is this rule valid? Honestly, sometimes we have a hard time deciding if these rules are valid or not. So it is helpful to check in with your partner/child/co-worker and verify the rule…I will often say to my husband I notice this silly rule that a good wife always makes dinner and he will usually look at me with wide eyes saying No not my rule at all. Hearing that from him starts loosening the rule and then next time when I hear it I can kindly say to myself, No sweet pea, that is not valid, let it go.

Shame is at the root of HFA so the more you can start building resilience around your shame the more you can heal your HFA. Acknowledging the shame, Asking for real empathy of what you are FEELING, giving yourself kindness around your feelings, and THEN lovingly reminding yourself to let it go is the key.

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Episode 106: The Benefits Of High Functioning Anxiety Are Destroying You

The benefits of High Functioning Anxiety are the things you’ve accomplished, the accolades you’ve won, and the praise you receive from the outside world for being so with it. While we appear to have everything under control at the end of the day, what we really crave––a sense of calm and ease––is still painfully out of reach. 

To your family, friends, and coworkers, you’re the one who always has it together.  You look out for all the details, attend all the meetings, make sure the bills get paid and plan the next vacation to Disney.

On the inside, you’re wondering if you're the only one who cares or is even capable of getting things done. 

If you don't do this, no one else will. 

Everything you have, you have because you were willing to be the one who went the extra mile. 

Except...

Living and thinking this way isn't sustainable. This level of control and anxiety is negatively affecting your relationships and your health, both mentally and physically.

And it doesn't have to be this way. 

Yes, we are the ones taking care of business and yes on the outside, those of us with High Functioning Anxiety appear calm, focused, and on top of it. 

But this isn’t what’s going on inside. Inside we are stressed, angry, and resentful that no one else cares as much as we do.

The challenge is that we are hooked. The benefits of High Functioning Anxiety are the things you’ve accomplished, the accolades you’ve won, and the praise you receive from the outside world for being so with it. We live off of this. 

This can’t last. While we appear to have everything under control at the end of the day, what we really crave––a sense of calm and ease––is still painfully out of reach. 

Listen to the full episode to find out:

• Making time to center ourselves so we are prepared for the chaos of the day

• Creating boundaries so that work doesn’t encroach upon our personal lives

• How to slow down and be present so we can more thoroughly engage and enjoy our daily lives

• A.S.K.:

  • Acknowledging what you are feeling

  • Slowing down and getting into your body

  • And Kindly pulling back to see the bigger picture

• And how learning to know our values and live with intention while being kind to ourselves can help our anxiety from taking over.

+ Read the Transcript

But I get so much done. The more stressed I am, the more productive I am.

I don’t want to let anyone down. They are counting on me.

Those are all common phrases of people with High Functioning Anxiety. The challenge with HFA is the benefits, the praise you receive from the outside world for being so together and accomplishing so much.

“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”

Today, I want to share the day in the life of Abby.

Hi, I’m Abby!

Abby deals with High Functioning Anxiety. To the outside world, she looks and behaves very differently than her internal world. We will get to see both her inside and outside world.

My alarm goes off at 5am. It was not a good night’s sleep--I kept running through my to-do list and figuring out how I’m going to tackle it all.

I throw on the workout clothes that I laid out last night. I hop on the treadmill and let the news blather on in my earbuds while my brain continues to work through my to-do list--the project at work, my youngest’s upcoming birthday, and--of course--Thanksgiving right around the corner.

Meanwhile, Abby surprises her with some much-needed coffee--but instead of being grateful, she’s just startled.

Ack! You scared me!

He mumbles something about never being able to win and leaves the room. After a quick post-run shower, she’s in the kitchen, helping the kids prepare their breakfast and lunches. The usual morning chaos:

I help my kids with some last-minute prep for tests, make sure backpacks are organized and sign some permission slips. But I can barely concentrate on the task at hand because I’m also worrying about the conversation I have to have with an employee today.

Her oldest is complaining of stomach pains and is spinning out about her Spanish test at school. She asked Abby to check her homework 3 times last night and is constantly worrying about being perfect. Abby can see herself in her daughter and adds that to her list of worries, passing on her own anxiety.

They all pile into the car, she drops the kids off at school, and then Abby heads to work.

Like usual, I’m the first to arrive at the office, so I head straight to the break room and start the office coffeemaker so I can start in on my second pot for the day.

She doesn’t know how she would do it without coffee. Abby’s boss walks by her office and compliments her on her drive, and asks if she has time for a last-minute meeting.

“Of course!”

Abby says with a smile, she can move some stuff around to make it work. And then she remembers…

I have to leave on time today or I won’t make it to my son’s soccer game and I promised him I would be there.

Her head starts pounding and she slugs down some aspirin and dives into her email. She chases the aspirin with coffee and a couple of antacids for good measure. It is such a catch-22 she needs the coffee after being up most of the night but her stomach is killing her!

At lunch, Abby is so nervous about her conversation with Sarah that she eats 3 pieces of pizza and 2 donuts. Now her stomach is even more upset! She calls Sarah into her office and worries that Sarah will think she is a raving Bitch for talking to her.

Hey, Sarah--I noticed some balls got dropped this week. I know stuff happens but the truth is that these mistakes have been impacting the other people on the team.

Sarah explains all that she has going on and that she is so overwhelmed and Abby gives her some strategies for planning her time better. Sarah leaves the office smiling and Abby hopes it helps her performance in the future--but at the same time, she can’t help worrying that Sarah really didn’t understand the seriousness of her lack of performance..

After Sarah leaves, it takes Abby almost 2 hours to focus on work because she just keeps replaying the conversation over and over.

The last-minute meeting with Abby’s boss goes long and Abby is going to have to take work home if she wants to make it to the soccer game. Her boss apologizes, but Abby is quick to reply:

“No problem, thanks for including me! I am excited about this new project!”

On the way to the soccer game, Abby is driving like a crazy person. She curses out the person in front of her for going too slow and lays on the horn if they are a second slow at the light. She makes it 3 minutes ahead of her GPS. At the soccer game, mentally she spends the time re-hashing the meeting with her boss:

Why did I agree to that new project!? When is am I going to have the time for that?!?

After the game, Sandy reminds Abby that her husband signed up to bring the snacks to the Saturday tournament.

“Sure thing! No problem!”

As soon as she gets in the car she calls her husband to yell at him for agreeing to bring snacks, it is the youngest’s birthday on Saturday!!

“We don’t have time to juggle all of this!!!”

At home it is after 7 pm Abby heats up leftovers…

Thank god for leftovers!

...and calls the kids down to eat. They share their day, and the kids head back to their rooms to wrap up homework. Abby and her husband head to the TV room to enjoy a glass of wine and relax.

Abby’s daughter breaks out into tears she is so stressed about her Spanish test and keeps obsessing over every answer. Abby helps her with some breathing techniques she learned and tries to calm her as best she can. Abby can so relate to her daughter.

I hate seeing the pain in her eyes. I hate how stressed out she is all the time. I just want her to be able to relax.

As Abby and her husband settle in to relax, Abby fills her wine glass for the 3rd time and pulls out her computer. Really, her husband sighs, this is the 3rd night in a row you have worked.

“I know… I hate it but I have to get this report done before next week and I am so behind. I promise I will be 100% focused on family this weekend.”

Abby turns out the lights and checks on all the kids before she crawls into bed next to her husband. It has been a long day but she is grateful for her life.

Abby is a little more buzzed than she wants to be, but lately, unless she is drinking she can’t fall asleep her brain is just too active. She crawls into bed and wills herself to sleep. She does her usual go through her mental to-do list and writes on the pad next to her all the things she doesn’t want to forget. She takes 3 deep breaths and tries to relax. Hoping sleep will come easier than other nights. Tomorrow she does it all again.

Does any of this sound familiar? High Functioning Anxiety is so challenging because there is an external persona and internal anxiety. HFA is more than just being busy or keeping up appearances. HFA is a constant worry, pushing of yourself to do more, achieve more and be the best. On the outside you appear calm, focused, on top of it and on the inside (and to those who know you) you are stressed, angry, dealing with headaches, stomach aches and a constant feeling of dread.

Let’s run through Abby’s story one more time with strategies in place to deal with her HFA.

The alarm goes off at 5:00 am Abby jumps out of bed. As her feet hit the floor she does a quick stretch and takes 3 deep breaths, she is trying to ease into her day. As she hops on the treadmill she puts on a show she loves and reminds herself:

This is my time.

As her mind keeps jumping to her to-do list she brings it back to the present. When her husband surprises her with coffee, she is startled but then starts to laugh...

Oh coffee! Thank you so much!

…She startles so easy and how cool that he brought her coffee, she gives him a kiss and he heads back upstairs to wake the kids.

Abby feels the water on her and smells the soap in the shower. She runs through her to-do list and reminds herself to do one task at a time. She gets caught up in the morning chaos but is able to settle herself in the car on the way to work singing along to her favorite song.

At work, Abby makes the coffee but decides to skip it for herself. Abby’s boss walks by her office and compliments her on her drive and asks if she has time for a last-minute meeting:

“Of course! But I might have to leave early for my son’s soccer game.”

No problem he says.

At lunch, Abby goes for a walk around the block and picks up her favorite sandwich. She sits in the park near her work and makes a plan for her conversation with Sarah later that day.

I’m feeling anxious and uncomfortable--but that’s okay, it’s normal. I’m going to let myself feel that way--and still rock this conversation.

Before the conversation, Abby does a full-body wiggle to remind herself she has a body, she gets so caught up in her brain! Abby and Sarah make a plan to improve her performance, they set goals and guidelines and agree to meet in 2 weeks to see the progress. After the meeting, Abby gives herself a high five!

PHEW! That went much better than I thought!!

Abby ducks out of the last-minute meeting early:

“Thanks for including me! I’m excited about helping out with this project as I have the capacity--but for now, I’ve got a soccer game to get to!

And she drives to her son’s soccer game. She wants to speed but reminds herself to slow down and take it easy. At the game, she so badly wants to check her phone and catch up on some emails but she keeps herself focused on her son’s game and his 2 goals!. When Sandy, reminds Abby that they are responsible for a snack she asks:

Hey, would it be possible to switch with someone else? My youngest’s birthday party is that day and I want to help--but it’ll be better for everyone if I bring snacks a different day.

Sandy says she will send her an email of the other parents she can ask to switch with.

At home, during dinner, everyone goes around the table and says one thing that went well and one thing that didn’t during the day:

I had to have a tough conversation with a team member today--but it went really well! Those things are never easy but I’m getting more comfortable being uncomfortable.

After dinner, Abby sets the alarm on her phone for 30 minutes she just has some last-minute work to do and she knows if she doesn’t set the alarm it will go on forever. Abby’s daughter comes downstairs in tears she can’t sleep because of her anxiety. Abby encourages her to share what she is feeling and they both get on the floor and do some stretches to get out of their heads and into their bodies.

Remember, nothing is as important as your health. I know we can handle this together whatever happens.

Abby decides she is going to find someone for her daughter to talk to and maybe herself too, this anxiety stuff has gone on too long.

She pours herself a glass of wine (her first for the night) and sits down next to her husband on the couch, he turns off the TV and they share their days. She gives him a hard time for signing up for a snack and he agrees to email the other parents to find someone to switch with. Abby heads up to bed earlier than usual, she is excited to read her new book. She leaves her phone in the kitchen and goes through her bedtime ritual before crawling into bed.

High Functioning Anxiety is something we have to develop coping skills around. These coping skills work best when we practice them throughout the day, not just when we are feeling anxious. I use the acronym ASK to remind myself to Acknowledge what I am feeling, like Abby acknowledged her doubt and insecurity before her meeting with her employee, Slowing down and getting into your body, as Abby slowed herself down repeatedly during the day, stopping the rush rush rush rush, actually feeling the soap and water in the shower, taking a walk at lunch, doing one task at a time taking breaks throughout the day to remind yourself you actually have a body and finally Kindly pull back to see the big picture doing one task at a time taking breaks throughout the day to remind yourself you actually have a body and finally Kindly pull back to see the big picture, recognizing what is most important to you and making decisions around that. As Abby did when she picked her son’s soccer game over the last minute work meeting. Knowing your values and living with intention while being kind to yourself can help our anxiety from taking over.

Anxiety is hard-wired into our systems, and even though it is rewarded by our culture it is NOT healthy. It can do serious damage to our health both mentally and physically.

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Can you relate to Abby’s secret life?

I want to help you dial back the overwhelm and overthinking with a set of tools designed just for people like you. It’s not woo-woo. It’s not trying to positively think your challenges away. And I’m certainly not going to tell you to start living your best life.

I work one-on-one with women like you to deconstruct why anxiety creeps upon you and give you something to do about it.

Here’s how it works:

First, we meet for an extended 90-minute session to uncover your stories and habits. You know, the ones that keep you stuck.

Then, you continue to work with me on-demand through an app that lets you leave a message for me any time you start to feel anxious or whenever you feel the Monger attack. I’ll get back to you with action steps for moving through the discomfort and finding peace. Plus, you’ll continue to meet with me for monthly sessions, too.

With Coach in Your Pocket, you can contact me whenever your anxiety kicks in and receive feedback and tips. No more fitting in weekly appointments and you receive real-time feedback when you need it--without waiting for your next appointment.

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Episode 092: Your Monger isn’t a Bitch, a Mean Girl or a Gremlin. Why Hating on Your Monger Won’t Help

So often we hear that our Monger is a Mean Girl or a Bitch. On this episode, I share why calling your Monger that doesn't help. You can't fight shame with shame.

+ Read the Transcript

Hey, everyone. I'm excited to be back, and this week, I am very excited about the topic we're going to be discussing. It is about the name and why I chose the name 'your Monger' when it comes to talking about that voice in our head that is constantly spreading propaganda and telling us how much we're failing and how we can't be doing things etc., etc., etc. One of the top questions I get is, "Why Monger, why did you pick the word 'Monger'?", and followed by, "Well, isn't this that the gremlin or the mean girl or the bitch or ..." there's a lot of other names for the Monger's voice. I love the name Monger because the definition of a Monger in the dictionary is someone who is spreading propaganda. And that's what I truly believe the Monger is doing. The Monger is spreading propaganda to keep us safe.

She follows three rules, don't stand out, don't make a mistake, and don't be too vulnerable. She intends to keep us safe. It is her delivery that could use a little help. The Monger tends to use shame in how she delivers stuff to us, shame and guilt, negativity, all that yucky stuff. Frequently, when you hear about combating this voice and thinking about this voice, you'll hear the words, "Oh, that's my inner mean girl or that's my inner bitch," or, especially, you often hear the term, "That's my gremlin."

I always struggled with those names because, to me, they were so cruel, and it was almost like we were using shame to combat shame, and that just never works. You can never use shame to combat shame. I would say that's why the work I do around the Monger is a little different because it is about loving your Monger, loving yourself through the Monger. I think that's a confusing concept for people because here's this voice in our head that is belittling, shaming, guilting us, and our reaction to it is then to want to shame and belittle and go after it negatively. "There's that bitch again. There's my inner mean girl." I'll even call it the demon. And when we are talking about ourselves in that way, it doesn't help us. It doesn't help us feel positive about ourselves.

I have a silly example, but I think it illustrates this concept well. We are dog sitting at our home, and we have two cats and a dog and our dog is very gentle, she's very calm, she barely moves at all. We exchange dog sitting services with our friends, so it works out well, and we absolutely love our friends, and we love their dog, and everything works out well, but their dog has a lot of energy and is a German Shepard and lots of energy. Our cats don't get along well with the dog, as you can imagine.

Last night, our cat came downstairs and was trying to be brave, and there was a lot of hissing and arm throwing, etc., etc., trying to stand his ground, the cat was. I started cheering for the cat, and I was like, "Go, Gus. Go, Gus. Get that mean dog. Get that mean dog." And I noticed the more I started cheering for Gus and demonizing the dog, the angrier I was getting at the dog. I love the dog; I don't want to be angry at the dog. I consider this dog to be my dog in so many ways. But my cats will always trump my dogs, no doubt about it. As I noticed this, I was like, "Oh my gosh. That's what happens with the Monger." When we are demonizing the Monger and calling it a gremlin, calling it this mean girl, calling it a bitch, we are turning on ourselves in a really bad way, and it ends up leaving a sour taste in our mouths about ourselves because that voice is an internal voice.

It's only when we can bring in the Biggest Fan and bring in that voice that is like, "Okay. I don't need this commentary right now about how terrible I am and how much I suck. What I need to do is put one step in front of the other and figure out how to solve this problem." Or, "I don't need this commentary right now about how I messed up yet another project at work. What I need to do is figure out how I can make it better."

Go back to the dog analogy. If you think about yourself as the whole being, you are the house, and in the house, there is Gus and Gus is the Biggest Fan and Gus is trying to make his way downstairs and engage in the rest of the house. And then you have the Monger, and the Monger would be our friend's dog, and that voice is also a part of the house. Like, both of those voices are valued in the house, both of those voices are a part of the house because the house, as a whole, is valued. When you are thinking of yourself, you are valued, you are important. The voices in your head are also important; they're also a part of you. When you start demonizing one of those voices, you are, in essence, turning on yourself. Similar to how when I started cheering for Gus and also, at the same time, demonizing the dog, I ended up creating some negativity towards the dog, which was unnecessary. And that's what we do with ourselves. To pump ourselves up, we demonize a part of ourselves to get rid of that inner voice. I think it starts with how ... what we call that voice.

Just naming that voice the mean girl or naming that voice a bitch, we are then turning on ourselves on some level. That, for me, was a missing piece of all of this work. Before I came up with the Monger concept, when I would talk about the inner critic, and I would use the terms mean girl or bitch, it always felt yucky to me. Because here I'm talking about myself using such negative terms, and I don't want to be talking about myself in such negative terms. I want to start noticing when the Monger is talking; okay, that's a voice whose intention is to keep me safe. She intends that I don't stand out, that I don't make a mistake, and that I'm not too vulnerable. Those are lovely intentions unless you want to do anything in the world, unless you want to take risks unless you want to live a full life.

If you want to live a full life, you're going to have to break some of those rules. You're going to make mistakes, you're going to be vulnerable, and you're going to stand out. When those things happen, the Monger's going to get riled up. That doesn't mean she's a bitch; that doesn't mean that she's nasty. That means that she's getting riled up because her intentions are messed up. It's our job to lovingly stand up to her and say, "I got this. You don't need to be all hopped up today; we can handle this." That doesn't mean that she's bad or she's a bitch, or she's a gremlin; that just means it's a voice we don't want to listen to. It's a voice that's spreading propaganda that we don't have the time for right now. You're not fighting with the Monger; you are choosing not to listen to it. You're making a choice not to listen to it. It's active. It's not even that you're ignoring the Monger or pretending it doesn't exist. Nope. You're acknowledging it's there, and then you're saying, "You know what? What I'm feeling is scared right now. All of this propaganda you're trying to spread about how I'm a terrible person doesn't fit into what I'm feeling. I need to move past this; I need to move beyond this. I need to stop listening to this propaganda so that I can move forward with my life."

That is why, even in the illustrations that I have, and I'll put them in the show notes, the illustrations I have of the Monger, of the BFF, of the Biggest Fan, they are cartoonish, but the Monger isn't mean or bitchy or gremlin-like. When they designed the characters, they asked if I were to identify a television character, who would I say is the Monger. The television character I came up with was Karen from Will and Grace. And Karen, yeah. Okay. I'll give you. Karen can be a little bitchy, but mostly, Karen is annoying. Karen can be funny, Karen can be biting, Karen can be a lot of things, but when she has her people, she loves her people, and she fiercely defends her people, and she's there for her people. That is what the Monger is as well. The Monger is well-intentioned, but her delivery can be a little mean sometimes. Her delivery can be harsh. But we still need to be kind and appreciate the Monger; we just need to choose not to listen to it.

This is a subtle, subtle shift, but, in my mind, it is a huge shift in the road to helping us have more kindness for ourselves. If we are practicing self-kindness and then all of a sudden we're turning on ourselves when we hear the Monger's voice, and we're calling it a bitch, or we're calling it a gremlin, or we're calling it nasty, that doesn't make sense to me. That doesn't fit. We need to love all of the voices that are in our heads; that makes us sound a little crazy. But we need to love all of us, all of us, even the part of us that is scared and the part of us that is doubtful, and the part of us that is insecure. That part may come up through the voice of the Monger, and it may be nasty, it may be mean, it may be shame-filled, but that's still a voice that's coming from within us. We need to be loving of that voice and acknowledging that voice, and kind to that voice. We don't need to be cutting off a piece of ourselves.

And, in essence, that's what I was doing last night when I was cheering so much for Gus, and then I was being belittling about Nixon. I was negatively yelling at Nixon, that just made the whole situation worse because that made me not like Nixon as much at that moment. I realized, I sensed that was coming up. I was able to cheer for Gus and Nixon at the same time. I want Gus to win that battle because Gus needs to show his dominance, just like I want the Biggest Fan to win the battle in my head. But I also know that me demonizing the Monger isn't going to make the Biggest Fan any faster or any better. It probably makes that process slower because the only way the concept of the Biggest Fan works is when we acknowledge all of ourselves. When we're kind and loving about the whole picture, which is Monger, BFF, Biggest Fan, all of those characters come out to play, and we need to be kind about all of those characters. We don't call the BFF a bitch, and she can be bitchy too. She can be snippy and judgmental, and "you deserve" and cutting people down and gossipy. But we're not referring to that person as a bitch, and we shouldn't be.

But it's a societal thing that that negativity that we feel inside, the shame that our Monger keeps telling us, we are told to shame it back. The only way to get rid of the Monger's voice and the shame that it gives us is for us to shame it. That does not work. We cannot shame ourselves out of the Monger; the Monger will not be quiet just because we're belittling her or shaming her. The Monger gets louder. The only thing that combats the Monger is when we are honest with ourselves and loyal to ourselves, and we acknowledge what's going on, and we practice ASK. We acknowledge our feelings, we slow down and get into our bodies, and then we kindly pull back to see the big picture. Those things bring forth the Biggest Fan, not shaming, not belittling, not yelling at the Monger and reasoning ourselves out of it, that stuff doesn't work.

If you had the question of why do I call it the Monger, I hope that answers that question. But more so, I hope this helps you think about this concept in a different way. Rather than just the stereotypical inner bitch, inner gremlin type work, this is a little bigger, and I think this is a different way of looking at it that has been dramatically helpful for my clients and me to be able to see that all of them deserves kindness, all of them deserve some love. That is the answer to that question, and I hope that's helpful.

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Episode 091: What is Scarier Praise or Criticism?

Frequently when we refer to our Monger (inner critic) coming out to play it is in response to criticism, but she also gets loud when we are being praised too much! What is that about and what can you do about it?

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Hey gang, very excited as always to be back. Welcome to August. I feel like this summer has flown by. Even though we have taken a lot of trips and did a lot of fun things, created a lot of awesome memories this summer, I hope you have too. We have a couple more weeks before schools start back, and we head into the fall and then the quick dive into the holidays. Let's focus on August though, let's not get into the holidays too quick. I was a little depressed yesterday when I was walking through the grocery store, and they were selling tick or treat candy already. Oh, how did we get there? But I digress.

Today I want to talk about the idea of the Monger getting riled up whether we have praise or criticism. The idea of what is scarier, praise or criticism because our Monger gets riled up with both of those. Usually, when I talk about the Monger, I tend to talk about it in terms of making a mistake or when things aren't going well, but in reality, when things are going well, and we're experiencing a lot of praise, our Monger can get just as loud.

Recently I was talking to a friend, she got a new job, and she was feeling great, except her Monger kept beating her up all the time because everything was going so well. Her Monger got more freaked out, and she was like, "Why does this keep happening to me?" And I had a couple of clients this week who were saying the same message, and so it had me thinking like, "Oh yeah, the Monger gets riled up whether things are going well or things are going poorly." That is because there are three things the Monger doesn't want you to do: don't stand out, don't be too vulnerable, and don't make a mistake. When things are going well, we tend to stand out, we tend to be vulnerable, and we tend to make mistakes, so that tends to get our Monger a little louder than normal.

If things are going well for you, you may have a loud Monger, and it's a sign to recognize, "Wait a minute, what's going on here that my Monger's getting loud?" Because inevitably, what happens when our Monger gets loud is that our BFF comes in to save the day and to give us a little break, and that can be dangerous. Because when our BFF steps in when things are going well, her message is to get you to slow down, stop working so hard, stop pushing, take the day off. You don't need to worry about that deadline; forget about it. Therefore we are less successful because our BFF is telling us to slow down to counter the Monger. That is the piece where the Biggest Fan can step in and give us some kindness and wisdom.

Here's what happens. You're in this season where everything's going well. You start a new job; you're getting all the praise; it's working out well. Then your Monger steps in to be like, "Wow, this isn't going to last forever, I'm gonna freak out here, we need to make sure you're okay, hypervigilance, hypervigilance, hypervigilance." The BFF steps in to be like, "It'll be okay, don't listen to your Monger, just slow down in what you're doing, stop pushing so hard." Then we end up not achieving as much success as we should and then we have all this anxiety. That's one answer to why this is happening. But there are a couple more caveats that I want to throw down to you that may be the belief system you have around work.

The one belief system is that work has to be hard, that I cannot achieve success without pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing. That isn't necessarily true all the time. Yes, we need to work hard; yes, to achieve the goals, we need to put some work out there. But sometimes that work is enjoyable; sometimes we're just good at it. When we find work that we are good at, it comes easy; it comes easier, I should say. So it's easier to get success because it's a gift we have. For example, for me, when it comes to teaching or counseling, those are gifts I have, those are things that I can do relatively easily, so they come to me easily.

Now, if someone asks me to sit down and do accounting or math or economics or any of those business skills, that does not come easily to me, so that would be work. For me to achieve success in that, I would have to work very, very, very, very hard. But for me to achieve success in teaching and counseling, as long as I'm listening to my gut and my Biggest Fan is running the show, that comes easily to me, and that is very counter to what society tells us. I want you to ask yourself about your belief systems about work and what comes easily, and when we should suffer.

The idea that our Monger keeps giving us is that everything should be suffering. We should constantly be pushing and striving, and that's the only way to succeed. I have come to find that the more we can let go of that mentality of push, push, push and lean into our Biggest Fan, she can help us manage that success differently. She helps us see the gray; she helps us connect with our real selves and do the stuff that comes naturally to us. When we start connecting with ourselves and doing the stuff that comes naturally to us, it's going to feel uncomfortable, especially if you have this default belief that work has to be hard. So start paying attention to that. I challenge you to notice what happens for you when you're doing something that's innately easy for you. Is it something that brings you joy, or is it something that you question?

This friend of mine this week was saying how she finally found this great job, she absolutely loved it, all of her gifts were being used, and she was freaking out because she didn't know the formula for how to do the job because it was so natural to her, it just came out of her. And her whole life, she had struggled and had to struggle with jobs and had to learn the formula. Once she mastered the formula, it got more comfortable, 'cause she always knew, "If I do A, B and C in that order, everything will go smoothly." But when you're living and working from your innate gifts, it just innately works. There isn't a formula; you do it. So it's harder to guarantee success because you're innately doing something; you're not following a root formula. That's another thing that I want you to think about, is that a belief you have that, "I can't be successful just innately, I have to be following someone else's message, I have to be following some formula." So pay attention to that belief.

The next belief that came up recently with this client; we were talking about her success at work, and she was saying, "I don't know what to do because you preach that we're supposed to accept ourselves where we are, but there's so much more I want to learn, there's so much more I want to grow and develop on." And I said, "Yeah, absolutely." Accepting where you are and loving yourself where you are does not mean you're not gonna grow and learn and become a better person. It just means that you're gonna do both at the same time. Once we attach the belief that, "I will only be worthy once I become a manager," or, "Once I become a VP," or, "Once I earn that degree, then I'll be worthy," that's when we get stuck in Mongerville.

But when we have the belief of, "I'm perfectly fine right now, and I wanna learn more about this topic. I wanna grow in this area," then we're acting out of the place with our Biggest Fan. Once we can say, "Hey, I wanna grow and learn, and I'm okay as I am, but I wanna keep growing and learning," that's when our Biggest Fan is stepping in and talking for us. It's a subtle difference, but it's really important to make sure you notice, "Hey, wait a minute, am I accepting where I am or am I believing that I'm only gonna be worthy once I do blah, blah, blah, fill in the blank." That's what I want you to be paying attention to.

To summarize, let me go over the highlights of what we've talked about today. The idea of what is scarier, praise or criticism? I want you to be paying attention to when your Monger gets riled up when you're doing something that's bringing you success because our Monger wants to prevent us from standing out, being vulnerable, and making a mistake. We get into that nasty dynamic between the Monger and the BFF, going back and forth and back and forth, stuck in this pattern. The Biggest Fan has to step in and give us some kindness and some wisdom and to remind us that when we are working innately and out of our strengths, then success will come.

Paying attention to your default belief around that because that's when we get stuck. We have been taught that we can only be successful if it's a struggle, and that isn't necessarily the truth. And then also paying attention to your belief system around worthiness and achievement, and how those two are hooked in together and how you can accept where you are and still be striving for more, and it doesn't have to be a bad thing to be striving for more, as long as it's not attached to your worthiness.

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Episode 082: The Warm Cozy Sweater of Our Monger

In this episode, I share why Monger attacks are so hard and what our job is when we put on that warm, cozy sweater of our Monger.

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Hey, everyone. Today I want to share a personal story, something that happened to me yesterday. And I thought you all might find it helpful and interesting, and relatable. And what happened was I found myself in a full-on Monger attack. And it wasn't the typical Monger attack. I tend to have the Monger attack of "Oh, you're a loser" or "Who do you think you are?" But this was a Monger attack that was a full-on shame attack. Someone in my life triggered a very old button and accidentally pushed it. They didn't do it intentionally at all, but they accidentally pushed it, and it just sent me down a dark tunnel of a shame spiral.

What was so fascinating about it, I found myself in a shame spiral. I started crying. I said to my husband, "This is a ten response to a two situation. I know I'm way overreacting". But the beauty of what happened was I was in a new spot for me for looking at it. At one time, I could see that I was sitting in the shame, and I could also see there was a choice to be sitting in the shame, for lack of a better phrase. And even though I was in the middle of it and I could recognize I was in the middle of it and I was doing all the stuff that I teach people to do and A.S.K. and could name all my feelings and could pull back and see the big picture. What was fascinating about it was that it wasn't just let's practice A.S.K., and I'll immediately feel better. I had to practice A.S.K., acknowledge what you're feeling, and I could say, "I'm feeling sad, and I'm feeling angry, and I'm feeling triggered, and I'm feeling like a bad person," and I could say all the things I was feeling. My husband and I went for a walk. And did the slowdown and get into your body piece.

And I could see the big picture. I could pull back and give some other reasons as to why it was happening. And see what was going on. But I kept coming back to the warm, cozy sweater. And I love that analogy. And if you've been listening to this podcast, you've heard me say it multiple times. But the warm, cozy sweater is the belief that we need the shame. I wish I could come up with a better phrase for saying it, but it's like finding a warm, cozy sweater in your closet, and you put it on, and then you realize, "Ah, this is so itchy, and I hate how this feels." But for some reason, we're drawn into the sweater. And as I was standing in the park with my husband watching our dog play, I was like, "I can't get out of this." I would do A.S.K., and I would pull back, and I'd see the big picture. And then, eventually, the warm, cozy sweater would wash over me again. And I kept practicing A.S.K., and I kept getting the warm, cozy sweater. I'd get a break from the shame for five minutes, 10 minutes.

But I could very quickly flip the switch and come back to the warm, cozy sweater. Because the tape that I was playing over and over, the shame tape, the thing that got triggered, the incident that triggered me was so familiar. It was so old. It was so used to being triggered. And it was interesting to recognize this is just a tape. You're playing this over and over and over again. It's the first time in a long time that I've been that triggered, that I've been that awash in shame. But it also was really interesting to be able to pull back and just notice how the shame is so comforting and how we believe we deserve it and how it does feel like a warm, cozy sweater. And so it's like pulling yourself out of the muck like your feet are stuck in quicksand. And the shame is like quicksand, and it's just sucking you down. And it's being able to pull yourself out of that. And so I think A.S.K., I know A.S.K. is a great way to do that.

But I also know that it needs to be repeatedly done. I went to bed earlier than normal last night, partially because I was just so exhausted from trying to pull myself out of the muck. And I wanted the day to be over. I was tired of feeling and wearing the warm, cozy sweater, and I knew that when I woke up, I would feel differently because I had done all the work. I had seen the big picture. I was able to see where the other person was coming from and why they said what they said. I could see how I the reaction that I had. And it all made sense logically. But I just needed to have it make sense in my heart. And so my biggest fan was, "Just go to sleep. When you wake up tomorrow, it'll be different. We'll just keep practicing this." And that is what happened that today when I woke up, I could still go back to the same place, but it wasn't there as much.

The cool thing about what happened, and part of the reason I wanted to share this story, was this stuff just keeps happening, and we can either choose to put on the warm, cozy sweater and keep it on and never be able to pull out of it, which is what I did for years. And that was the realization that I had, and I said to my husband, "I wore this warm, cozy sweater all the time, and people could trigger me without them knowing it at any given moment." I was constantly feeling one step away from feeling like I was unworthy or one step away from feeling like a bad person. This is why this work is so important to me because that was such a terrible way of moving through the world. And I want to help people stop that terrible feeling from happening to them. But it also the idea that I recognized that I had a choice. And there was a switch I could flip. And the switch isn't that easy to flip. So, yes, I have a choice, and yes, I could pull myself out of the shame and pull myself out of the monger attack and take off the warm, cozy sweater, but the power of that muck and the power of that quicksand is huge and powerful.

I want you all to recognize how hard this work is and that it is challenging to pull yourself out of it. And if you are practicing A.S.K. and you're like, "This isn't working. I had to practice A.S.K. like ten times today to get out of the shame attack", I get it. And, it does work overtime. You may need to practice it. Yesterday I hit a shame situation. My Monger was in full-on attack. And that was a hard one. And yes, I had to practice A.S.K. a number of times before I could separate it out. But the other thing is that this shame stuff, if we choose to work it, it does teach us. We can learn, and yesterday when I was able to pull back and look at the big picture, I could see the situation so differently because when we are stuck in the shame and our Monger is in control, and we're wearing that warm, cozy sweater, we only see black and white. We are wrong. The other person is right. We're a loser. We're not worthy. We didn't do it right. Whatever it is, there's no gray.

And what was cool about yesterday's event is I, even though I was still wearing the warm, cozy sweater and there was a part of me that was really buying into the attack of the Monger, there was another part of me that was the biggest fan that was like, "You can grow from this. This doesn't have to be your trigger. You don't have to be triggered by this every time." And I think that's the piece that I want everyone to learn here. I just read this amazing newsletter from [Kelly Dials 00:07:43], who was saying how it used to be that we would get confident and be feeling good and be feeling really confident, and we would think, "Oh, I won. I'm confident. I've checked that off the list. I figured out how to have confidence." And now that she's in a different growth period in her life, and that confidence is gone, and she's feeling more insecure. And she was like, "I think it's a mix of both. I think we have the confidence, and then we have insecurity, and then we grow. And then we have more confidence, and then we grow, and we have insecurity."

And hopefully, as we're going through life, that's the key. We are constantly growing and learning new things. As we grow, we're going to hit these spots of insecurity. And right now, I'm going through some pretty hefty growth spurts in my personal and professional life. And my Monger has been louder. I talked about this a couple of episodes ago, but I think that's the point of life is to constantly be juggling that insecurity, confidence, insecurity, confidence as we move up the mountain of life. And the idea that you will get confidence and you will have arrived is not true. And anyone that is selling that to you is a liar.

It drives me crazy that that is out there in the world because that is not how life works. You never achieve happiness. You never achieve confidence. It doesn't stay forever. And what I try to teach is how to get through the periods of insecurity. How to get past the shame attack. How to take off the warm, cozy sweater so that you have strategies on what to do as you're moving through life. And these things, hopefully, inevitably will come to you because you'll continue to grow.

That is my message today and sharing my personal shame attack and all that stuff. I didn't want to get into all the details because I don't think they matter. What matters is how I learned and grew and my observations from the event. Okay, gang. That's the show. Thanks for listening.

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Episode 081: The Love-Hate Relationship with Our To-Do List

In this episode, I talk about the to-do list, our love of it, and how it keeps us trapped in the belief that WHEN we finish the to-do list we will be happier. (That's a lie by the way.)

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Hey gang, so today I want to talk about our to-do list. And this came up last week. I've been doing a book tour for the Happier Approach book, and last week I was in Kentucky at a private women's event. The big theme of that event was the to-do list and how a lot of people did not recognize that our to-do list was the way that their monger was showing up. And so today, I just want to touch base with you on what I call the to-do list black hole.

And so, I think a lot of us have a love/hate relationship with the to-do list. On the one hand, we love it because it keeps us organized and on top of things. And on the other hand, we struggle with falling into the to-do list black hole and becoming kind of a slave to our to-do list. And we attach our to-do list to our worthiness. And that's where we get into trouble.

So here are a few common statements when it comes to the to-do list. My to-do list is my bible. I mean, I can't live without my to-do list. I have a love/hate relationship with my to-do list. I feel chained to my to-do list. I'm constantly checking it. I mean, I can't remember a day without my to-do list. And finally, my to-do list helps me stay on top of my busy busy life; I just can't fathom life without it.

A to-do list is a wonderful tool because it guides your every day, and it allows us to know what needs to be done, what's coming up, it keeps us on top of things. But the problem is, is that it's a tool. It's a tool. That's all it is. It isn't attached to our worthiness. Finishing our to-do list will never lead to satisfaction. It may for a brief moment, but it never fully leads us there because we think that if we finish the to-do list, we're going to get there, and there doesn't exist because the to-do list just keeps growing and growing and growing.

So at this book event last week, one of the women was sharing a story about how she frequently, at the end of the day, finds herself cramming, trying to check everything off her to-do list. And one of the last items is frequently cleaning up the kitchen. And so, when she's in the kitchen scrubbing the counters and disinfecting everything, her husband is lying in the TV room watching TV. And a lot of times, she'll have some resentment against him because here she is, stuck in the kitchen, and he is relaxing in front of the TV.

And it wasn't until I had her go through the ASK philosophy that we talk about in Happier Approach of acknowledging her feelings, slowing down and get into her body, and kindly pulling back to see the big picture that she realized it was her monger telling her how much she needed to get everything done. If she got everything done, then everything would be okay. And she ended every night feeling crappy. Because A, she didn't get everything done, so she still wasn't worthy. And B, she was resentful of her husband because he was lazy and lying around and didn't have the same level of go go go that she did.

And it wasn't until through the group discussion that we pulled back, and she could say, wow, does it matter if the countertops are clean? Is that really what's important here? Or is it important that this is the only time I can hang out with my husband, is this brief hour at the end of the day after the kids go to bed. And so maybe letting it go, the to-do list, and spending time with my husband laying on the floor, easing into some of his rhythms, would be better, because yes, the kitchen is clean. The countertops don't have to be disinfected. It's clean. And so kind of reducing the standards of the to-do list.

And so that was going to be her challenge, was to loosen the reins a little bit around that to-do list and the mentality of everything has to be done perfectly on the to-do list, and I got this, and I'm the only one that can make the to-do list. And so there's a lot of stuff that gets wrapped up in this to-do list mentality, which is why it is one of the most common phrases in my office. Clients coming in to talk about checking stuff off the to-do list and how they are going to get everything done. So I think it's fascinating what our to-do list has come to mean to us and how much it is tied to worthiness and being enough, and that's become the measure of can we get stuff done.

So what are we supposed to do about this? How do we get around? We need the to-do list to get stuff done. And so, I think we need to take some time to step back and see the big picture. I'm a huge fan of that, as you know from my work, to see the big picture and to look at our values and say, does this fit into what's happening in my life right now? Is this really what's important? If I value relationships and I value spending time with my kids, does it matter how clean the kitchen is? Is that an important thing? And so to be able to not only fill the to-do list with our list of stuff but to also be able to rank how important is it that I finish this?

So one of the exercises I've done for years is ranking things by importance. And so I will know at the end of the day, these are the three to five things I have to get done because that's realistic. And so I put those at the top of the list. And each day I have, these are the three to five things I'm going to get done today. And then if something comes along that bumps one of them off, then I move it to the next day. It gets bumped. It doesn't get added. And so it's recognizing what's realistic here? What can I get done? And it's also making sure that you can add some spontaneity to your day, to recognize this is just a list, this isn't the bible. This isn't about my worthiness. If I don't get these three to five things done, life moves on. People may be disappointed. And that's okay.

Because our mongers tend to tell us everything on this list has to be done, it has to be done perfectly; you can't mess up, what will they think if you miss the deadline, you're a terrible person, et cetera et cetera. So we attach so much of our worthiness to a freaking list that is hopefully filled with stuff that fits our values and the stuff that we want to do, and the stuff, if we pull back, feeds our higher good. And if it doesn't and we're just doing the to-do list to check stuff off the to-do list, then we need to check in with ourselves and do a little come to Jesus on what's more important in our lives. Is this that important? And if it is, how do we make time for it and all the other stuff that's that important?

So this week, I want you to look at your to-do list. Have a to-do list come to Jesus to see, is the stuff that I'm filling my life with what I want to be doing? Is this important to me? And if it isn't, how can I start changing things up? Where can I start asking for help? How can I start pushing some stuff off my to-do list? How can I start changing my priorities? Because let's be real. There is stuff on the to-do list that we don't want to do that we have to do, A. And B, our to-do list overfloweth. And so we all have way too much on our plates. And some of that is expectations we're putting on ourselves. Some of that is societal expectations. And some of that is just, I have to put food on the table at the end of every day, and I have to take care of my kids.

And so, we need to get crystal clear on what is most important here. What am I doing because I think I should be doing it, or I think so and so will be mad at me if I don't, or so and so will be disappointed if I don't, or so and so is doing it so I should be doing it? Where are we losing sight of what's most important to us? And then once you've done all that and you've taken your to-do list, and you have fine-tuned it, and it is perfectly packed with your priorities and the stuff that feeds your values and is most important to you, and you're still overwhelmed? Then you have to ask yourself, where can I ask for help? Where can I reach out and get help from a friend, from a coworker, from my boss, from my family? Where can I get help?

And so it isn't that you need to silently suffer in this to-do list hell. We need to start unhooking ourselves from our to-do list equals our worthiness and get control over these to-do lists and make sure that it's fitting our priorities and not what our monger or someone else tells us we should be doing.

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Episode 080: Random Observations about Our Inner Dialogue

In this episode, I talk about 3 random observations about our inner dialogue, what causes our Monger to get fired up, why we have a love-hate relationship with her, and what we HAVE to do to quiet her.

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Hey everyone, excited to back here on a Sunday. Yay, I am back on track on my commitment to doing this once a week and having them released on Sundays. So this weeks' episode is Episode 80. I can't believe that we've done 80 episodes of these little Happiness Hacks podcasts, and today we're going to talk about some random observations I've found about the Monger and our inner dialogue. I was thinking about doing each one as an individual thing, and they might show up individually as I flush them out. But I just wanted to touch on them today as a summary episode.

And so there are three of them, three random observations. Okay, so the first one I want to talk about is the idea that our Monger tends to get chattier when we are taking risks that mean more to us. And so I want to give an illustration of that that comes from a client. She is a performer by nature, actress, and her Monger is very chatty when she's applying for different acting gigs and very, you know, telling her how much she's going to suck or who does she think she is, etc., etc., etc. Not surprising.

So the more she wants a part, the louder her Monger is, and I think that is the illustration of what I'm talking about because the more we are in line with what it is we want to be doing and where our heart's desire is, the louder our Monger's going to get. So this was illustrated clearly when she, on a whim, decided to apply to be in the pit orchestra for a performance. She was going to play her instrument, and she played the instrument in high school as she had experienced. It wasn't like she was a total novice, but she didn't have a ton of experience, and there were people that had more experience with her that were playing next to her. But the performance just needed band members. They didn't care. You didn't have to try out. It was pretty easy to become a member of the pit orchestra.

And she joined it, and she loved it. She had a great time, and her Monger was practically silent the entire time. Like, even though she knew she wasn't good and she knew she wasn't hitting the right notes all the time, she just had a great time. Her Monger was not a player in that activity.

So, it was interesting that we realized that here that activity brought her great joy, but it wasn't really what she wants to be doing. She doesn't want to be playing in the orchestra. It's a fun activity, but it's not one that she is tied to. It's interesting to observe that when your Monger is getting loud, it usually means you're on to something. To pay attention to those times that your Monger's talking up and getting loud.

And I know for me, doing this book, my Monger has been very loud. My husband jokes I don't have a monger, I have a demon because she's been particularly loud. I think my next book will be something about that topic because here I wrote a book on finding your Monger as my Monger has gotten even louder, but I think that is because I'm on to something.

Other people I know are putting themselves out there with their artwork, and they're exploring that particular vein of their work. Their Monger's super loud, and that's what happens. The closer we get to what it is we want to do, the louder our Monger gets. That was random observation number one.

Then random observation number two is as we learn to quiet our mongers and bring in our biggest fans, there is going to be a gap where we kind of miss the Monger. I know this sounds crazy and a little counterintuitive because why would we miss this voice that's totally shaming us all the time. But we miss that voice because that voice brings us drama. It brings us something to do. It brings us something to mull over and think on and obsess about. All of that activity that our brain does, it kind of occupies us, is stimulating and dramatic and kind of fun in a weird way. It's comfortable.

So, once we learn how to get rid of that constant obsessing, there's an empty vacuum that is created where there's like, wait a minute, I have just spent a long time, many years of my life being in this drama place, and now I got to learn how to function without that. So just to pay attention as you're doing this work of that concept, and sometimes we will go into the Monger just to get that drama because it is comfortable. You know, it goes back to that sweater analogy I always use that we put on the sweater of the Monger, and initially, the sweater is comfortable. It's familiar. We know what it's like to obsess and to worry and to constantly be playing all the different scenarios and kind of figuring out the right way, and that feels good.

Then, over time the sweater gets itchy because it's like I don't want to be obsessing about this so much. I don't want to be stressing all the time. I don't want to be checking everything off my to-do list. I want to be living my life. So, the sweater gets itchy, and we have to take the sweater off.

That's the concept of the Monger is that it's not all evil, and we don't want the Monger. We know it's bad for us, and yet part of it is comfortable. It's just like a glass of wine. We know that alcohol has no real redeeming value, and yet we drink it because it makes us feel good. Until we have too much, and then it makes us feel bad, just like the Monger. The Monger initially makes us feel good. It makes us feel safe. It makes us feel protected. It makes us feel comfortable until it doesn't, and then it starts to make us feel bad.

So I want to open up that conversation a little bit in your brain and make some space for that because until we can admit that we need our Monger and that we find it comfortable, it's really hard to quiet it. If we're constantly pushing it away like some evil demon, we won't integrate it into our whole being, and we need to integrate the Monger. It's one of the voices there, and if we learn how to live with that voice and integrate it into the biggest fan, then we can start making some real changes.

That random idea is that the Monger is comfortable, and that's okay, but it still hurts us, and we need to figure out a way around it.

Then the last random observation I have is the concept of intellectualizing versus practice. I think for a lot of us that have this monger work, we're used to intellectualizing. We intellectualize our feelings. We intellectualize a problem. We're problem solvers. We're constantly trying to come up with the next solution. When it comes to the workaround quieting your Monger and bringing in your biggest fan, there's a level of practice that has to happen. It's not just reading about it. It's not just reading all these books and getting all these 'ahas' which is wonderful and awesome.

You have to practice. You have to practice ASK. You have to sit down and acknowledge your feelings. You have to slow down and get into your body. You have to kindly pull back and see the big picture. You have to take it all the way through. And so that idea that it's not just intellectualizing, it's not just sitting there being like, oh I got to practice ASK and not actually practicing it. Or, there's my Monger again, but not actually doing anything about it. That's where we get in trouble.

And so, it's just like sitting around. If we're reading all these books on working out and stretching and how to stretch and the perfect yoga poses, and the great way to eight-minute abs and we weren't doing the workouts, it doesn't do any good. It's the same thing when it comes to our mongers. We have to do the work that is involved in quieting them. That's where the glitch comes from because, for a lot of us we don't want to do that work, and I get it.

Even after knowing that I need to do the work, I still am resistant to it. Earlier this week, I was pushing myself hard, and I had a bunch of deadlines I was trying to hit, and I was just manic in my jumping from task to task to task. It took all I had to step back from the computer, slow down, get into my body. I turned on some music. I did a little dance party in my office. And then I felt a thousand times better.

When I came back to my desk, my mind was clear. I was able to focus; I could get the task done. That's random fact number three, is that I need you not to be intellectualizing this process. I need you to be practicing this process and then bringing that practice and the questions you have around that practice up to the forefront. So then you can figure out new ways around them.

Okay, that's the show.

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Episode 076: Sneaky Ways Your Inner Monger Sabotages You

Now and then someone will say to me "I don't think I have a Monger." And my answer is always, 'Yes you do. Your Monger is just sneaky." We underestimate how much our Monger chats at us and how accepting we have become to her message. Today I am looking at some habits/behaviors you might have that are inspired by your Monger.

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Hey everyone, so glad to be back here. Today I want to talk about something that comes up quite a bit when we're talking about the inner critic and the Monger, is that people will say to me, "I don't think I have this inner Monger that you talk about." A lot of times when people are saying that it's either one or two things. One is we all have a Monger; I fully believe we all have a Monger. Sometimes the Monger is quieter than others. For some people, their Monger isn't as loud and belittling and shaming as it is for other people. I have a loud Monger, and she is very vocal in almost everything I do. Some people don't have that loud of a voice. But the other thing is, a lot of times, we have so minimized the voice of the Monger, or I should say normalized the voice of the Monger, that we don't even know it's there. So we don't even know where it is sabotaging us, so where it's keeping us stuck.

Today I want to offer just a little insight into how the Monger shows up in some sneaky ways that you may not be recognizing is the Monger that's holding you back. Today I want to touch on some of those. I was talking with a friend of mine earlier this week, and she was saying that recently she realized how much of a perfectionist that she is. I giggled because I had known for a long time that she was a perfectionist. I just thought it was something she knew. But in her mind, a perfectionist was someone who was prim and proper, and the house always looked perfect, and her hair always looked perfect, and they were perfectly put together. That is a version of a perfectionist, but another more common version of a perfectionist is someone who is pretty disorganized. I call it being an 80 percenter, meaning they do 80% of a job, and they leave the remaining 20%. So they might have a bunch of different projects going, but none of them are finished. Usually, that's a sign of someone who is a perfectionist.

You may be thinking like, "How can that be because they have all these different things going, and none of them are perfect?" That is exactly why they are a perfectionist. They can't finish anything because their Monger is constantly telling them how terrible it is, and so their defense mechanism against that is only to do 80%. Then the remaining 20% is there, and when they get to the task, whenever that may be, they will do that extra 20% perfectly. That 20% will be perfect. Because there's so much pressure on that remaining 20%, they never actually do it. This is one of those sneaky ways that your Monger shows up. If you find that you're someone that can't ever complete a task all the way through, or you struggle with that, then it might be because your Monger is shaming you so much that you can't commit to doing the last 20%. Because if you were to commit to doing the last 20%, the pressure would be too great to make it perfect, so you do 80% of a task.

My husband, he's actually the one that coined the phrase because he will run the vacuum and then leave the vacuum sitting out. So he doesn't put the vacuum away, even though the house looks beautiful, he's run the vacuum in the entire house, but he's Monger is constantly telling him, "Well, you missed this spot, and you missed that spot, and you missed that spot." So if the vacuum is out, he can convince himself that he's not done vacuuming, and so it quiets his Monger. Meanwhile, the vacuum's still out, and he never really gave himself the appreciation for the fact that he vacuumed the whole house, so his Monger still won. That's a sneaky way that our Monger sabotages us, is if it can convince us that we have to be perfect, and it's another form of perfectionism.

In that same vein, if you were someone that tends to be a procrastinator, then you probably have a problem with perfectionism because your Monger is telling you how perfect whatever task you're working on has to be, and so procrastinate on it. This is coming up a lot for me lately because I am trying to do more media and pitch my book and get it out there, out into the world, now that it's been made public. My Monger is constantly telling me the risks of that and the fear that I have around that and telling me how that could go wrong, and I could fail, and so I keep procrastinating on it, and procrastinating on it, and procrastinating on it. That's a way that I know my Monger's running the show because I'm procrastinating.

The last one that falls under this perfectionist vain is indecision. A common example of this would be what color am I going to paint my house? It's a big decision, permanent decision, it's going to be there for a few years, really gotta have to dive into that decision. We can't come up with it because the Monger is constantly telling us that it has to be perfect and we have to come up with a perfect color, and what will people think? So indecision is a big one, and it goes along in the vein of procrastinating because we put off making the decision because we don't want to make the wrong one.

The next behavior I want to talk about is in the perfectionism, procrastination vein. It is in the vein of being critical of other people. This happens a lot. When our Mongers are chatting at us all day long, our BFFs will jump in to ease that pressure valve, "You're not that terrible, Nancy, because look at your neighbor, they're 50,000 times worse than you at this, and this, and this, and this. This is a silly example, but I was driving home today, and it's been snowing here, so our car is covered in salt, and it's just disgusting, and I can't keep up with keeping it clean. I'll drive around and look at other cars to make sure if my car is not as dirty as their car, then I feel a little better because I'm not taking care of my car because they're not taking care of their car worst than I'm not taking care of my car. Which is just silly when you say it out loud, but that's kind of how our BFF works to protect us from this voice of this Monger, is to tell us, "It's okay, their car is so much worst."

These four ways of perfectionism, not finishing something, procrastination and indecision, and the judging of other people are ways that our Monger shows up in sneaky ways. We might not be aware that it's the Monger that's causing us to behave in these ways. To start paying attention to when is it that you are indecisive, when is that you can't finish something, when is it that you're procrastinating on something, and when is it you're super judgmental of other people? And then stop and ask yourself, "Wait a minute, was that my Monger chatting? What is my Monger chatting on about?" Then to go into the ASK process, and you can hear from your Biggest Fans, Acknowledge what you're feeling, Slow down and get into your body, and Kindly pull back to see the big picture.

But I really think the key to all of this anxiety reduction and reducing overwhelm, and all the stuff that I work on is recognizing when our Monger is chatting, so we can reduce that voice and bring in the voice of our Biggest Fan. But when we are constantly allowing the Monger voice to chat unchecked, it weighs on us, and it's heavy, and it's exhausting. The more we can start paying attention to what are the ways our Monger is sneaking in there, what are the behaviors I engage in when my Monger is sneaking in and how can I do this differently, and how can I bring in my Biggest Fan? That's where the real crux of this work is. I know for me that I'm a huge procrastinator; that is more of my favorite go-to than 80% of doing a task. I'm not so much of an 80 percenter, but I am a huge procrastinator; I'm a master procrastinator. I know when I am feeling my Monger overwhelming me, and I'm spending way too much time on Facebook and heading down the social media rabbit hole, that I need to get my Biggest Fan in check. It's been very helpful in my productivity noticing when my Monger is chatting because our Monger keeps us stuck in not only anxiety and overwhelm, but just for moving forward with our goals, it just keeps us out of productivity.

Those are some sneaky ways that your Monger is sabotaging your life.

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Episode 075: A Behind the Scene Look at Bravery

So many people have told me how brave I am for writing and publishing a book. We tend to compare our insides to other people's outsides and think they have it all together. Today I am pulling back the veil on how I successfully (and unsuccessfully) dealt with my Monger attacks the week of my book launch.

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Hey everyone, I'm so excited to be back here. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who sent me a message and responded via email or called me about the book that came out last Tuesday, January 30th, The Happier Approach. The response has been phenomenal and exciting, and I just was so excited to hear from everyone. If you haven't gotten your copy, head to Amazon, and you can get an eBook or a paperback book, or an audiobook. Lots of different options for ways for you to hear and read The Happier Approach and start implementing it into your life.

This podcast is going to be a little different. I wanted to pull back the mystique of the veil, I guess you would say, of writing this book, and specifically this week of putting it out there into the world. A lot of people have been talking to me and telling me how brave they think I am, and I'm so brave because I've written this book and put it out there, and how brave that is. Yes, I would argue it was brave to stick it out there. I always joke, is it brave, or is it delusional? Who knows?

But I wanted to address that topic because I think we tend to put people upon on pedestals that do things that we deem brave and scary, and we assume that everything is awesome with them, back to that idea of comparing your insides to other people's outsides. I guess I wanted to share a little bit of my insides from this week to let you know that it isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Being brave is a choice, and it is something that we have to do daily, minute by minute sometimes, to challenge ourselves to show up and be present.

In the book, I have a chapter called Knowing When the Monger is Running the Show. The reason I have that chapter in there is because I think a lot of us get so comfortable with the monger, we don't even know it's running the show. That was me, and it is me in a lot of ways, and that's been a big part of my work in this inner critic stuff, is paying attention to when my monger is running the show.

One of the ways I know my monger is running the show is because I go into automatic. I go into kind of a numbing spot where I just run on autopilot, and I don't engage with what's engaging. So, when I wrote this book, and when I started writing it, I said to my husband, "I don't want to go on autopilot when it comes to this book. I want to be intentional and show up all the way, so I'm present for everything that happens."

Because when I do this autopilot, I miss opportunities and I miss ideas, and I'm not fully there. So that's one way my monger lulls me into complacency is by just telling me how much I suck, and it's so hard to face that monger all the time. I just go into this autopilot. That has been a battle this week, is knowing that's what I do. I think that's the first step in a lot of this monger stuff is knowing what it is, your go-to is. My go-to is autopilot. It's also just really getting hopped up on doing right and making sure everything's perfect, and so that pressure that everything has to be perfect becomes so great that I go into autopilot to relieve it.

My monger is telling me everything has to be perfect; it has to be just right. My BFF is like, "Don't worry, let's just sit on the couch and watch some Housewives and have some Reese's peanut butter cups. Everything will be fine. Just relax, no big deal." I don't show up because my BFF is running the show. The more I do this work, the more I recognize the BFF is just as toxic as the monger. We just don't recognize it.

Back to knowing when the monger's running the show. This week, I've tried to be intentional about this numbing pattern that I have and knowing when I go on autopilot. It has been challenging really challenging. To give you a little backstory, Monday of this week was the year anniversary of my dad's death. Not surprisingly, it was a very, very hard day. Those anniversaries are just amazing to me that your body knows what's happening before your mind does. It was a really hard day. I spent part of the day with family and just tried to really soak up what was happening.

Then the next day, Tuesday, was the day my book launched. So, it was a high-energy day, and there was a lot of contact with people, great stories, and so much fun, but an underlying sadness that my dad wasn't there to read the book and hear about the book and be a part of the book. It's kind of in this emotional rollercoaster. Are we going back-and-forth between being super excited about the book launch and then also just this sadness in reliving this was the day of the funeral, and this is what we did this day and all that replaying of a year ago.

That to be said that it was really easy, it would have been really easy for me to numb out, and have the BFF had the perfect excuse. This is the anniversary week of your dad's death, take it easy. You deserve it. Take the week off. I really had made a commitment to myself that I wasn't going to do that. I think that is the key to being brave, is committing to yourself that you're really going to show up this time. You're really going to take whatever the next step is. It doesn't have to be some ginormous, crazy, huge step. This book that I've written was a culmination of a lot of really tiny steps. It wasn't like one day I woke up and had this brilliant idea to write a book, and here is the brilliant plan what the book's going to be about, and here we go.

No, no, no. This was years in the making and years of thinking about it. Years of writing and debating and talking. So, it takes tiny little steps I think when we read these memes on Facebook, we see these inspirational stories, we think, oh my gosh, this has to be some huge, big thing I'm going to do. Nope. Bravery is choosing to show up every day. It's me choosing to sit down at my computer and write. It's me choosing to sit down at my computer and come up with some social media post to spread the word about my post.

So, this brings me to today. Today is the first day that I've really had a chance to just take it all in, and sit down, and make the next steps. Everything had gone up to the launch of the book, and then I didn't really have what's happening next. When I sat down today, one of the things on my list is to record this podcast. My monger was just so loud. You have nothing to say, and no one wants to hear what you have to say anyway. Who do you think you are? That same refrain that monger has for me all the time.

I had practiced ASK multiple times. Multiple times this morning, I practiced ASK. I acknowledged what I was feeling. I slowed down and got into my body. And I kindly pulled back to see the big picture. I was doing it kind of again on automatic. I wasn't showing up and doing the steps of ASK. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm feeling scared. Let me roll my neck a little bit. Okay, and now I'm going to pull back and see the big picture, and kind of see yeah, this isn't a big deal. There's a lot of other things going on in the world.

It wasn't actually doing ASK. I was on automatic pilot doing ASK. It wasn't helping. I bet I did ASK 20 times, and my monger was just like, "See? This doesn't work. You really can't help people. Who do you think you are?" It just built up more and more fodder for my monger.

Finally, it was 1:00. I was still in my pajamas, and I was like, I need to take care of myself here. I need to work out. I need to take a shower. I need to get dressed. I need to start the day and get serious about this. Within five minutes of my workout, I felt so much better, like I was able to acknowledge like, wow, I am scared here, and I'm feeling really vulnerable and out there. The slowing down helps. I'm going to do some extra yoga stretches.

Then I was able to pull back and be like, okay, this was one week in your life that was hard and stressful. Let's see some other options of where we want to take this. My monger tends to convince me I need to have all the answers, and I need to be in charge. That is one of the biggest complaints I have about the coaching and counseling industry as a whole, and all of the "gurus" out there is that they act like they have it all together and like they have the answers. That was why when I was in the shower, I was like, I'm going to do a podcast about how I don't have all the answers. How I don't know what's happening.

But this is how I did my day, and this is what worked for me. In the shower, I slowed way down. I got in the shower, and I was able to implement ASK in a sincere way. When I came back to my office, it was a completely different day. I checked a whole bunch of stuff off my list. My brain was clear. I was ready to focus. My monger was not in charge anymore. It was my biggest fan, kind of stepped into the lead position. I got a lot done. Here I am recording a podcast showing you how this stuff works in real life.

That's been my week in launching The Happier Approach. I hope that you will purchase the book and implement some of the stuff that's in there because it's one of those things, yes I wrote the book, and then every time I implement what it says, it is helpful. I think that's probably true for a lot of books out there, that I just never took the time to implement what they said because I was all looking for the easy answer, and looking for the quick fix. It isn't out there.

There is no quick fix. We have to do the work. We have to slow down and show up, and face our mongers, and challenge our biggest fans, and tell our BFFs to take the day off. We have to get serious about this stuff if we're going to be happier. It isn't easy, but man, once we start implementing this stuff, it's so much better. I promise. I swear. Do it.

So, your takeaway for today is to really pay attention and start noticing when your monger's running the show. You know, is it that you numb out? Is it that you have a 10 reaction to a two problem? Is it that you take on more than you should? There are a lot of ways that our mongers lull us into a state of "safety" that isn't really serving our higher purpose. It isn't helping us get to the next thing.

Once we know the behaviors we engage in, then we can start paying attention to those behaviors and start catching them. Today, I knew that I was doing the numbing and I wasn't really showing up. I was just kind of jumping from thing to thing, and I was really unconscious in what I was doing. That's when it hit me. Wait a minute; your monger's in charge here. Your monger's running the show.

We need to slow down and pay attention and notice when our monger is in charge. That is the key, and then we can implement ASK. We can implement ASK in a sincere, concrete, really showing up way. Not just a yeah, yeah, yeah, let me run through these three letters like I was doing earlier today. But like a let me pause and really do this so that I can get my biggest fan in charge and have my monger be quiet for a little bit.

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Episode 074: A.S.K. Part 3 Slowing Down and Seeing the Big Picture

My system for quieting your Monger (inner critic) and hearing from your Biggest Fan.  In which I chat about stress, Mongers, BFFs, and the potential healing power of Tim Horton's doughnuts.

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Hey everyone, I am so excited to be back here with you guys on the podcast. I'm back committed to my weekly shows, and so this week, we are continuing with A.S.K., which is the system I use to quiet my monger, and I talk about the system more in my book that's coming out on Tuesday. I can't wait, I'm so excited!

Okay, so today, we're moving on to the Part III of A.S.K. In Part I, which was two weeks ago, I talked about an overview of A.S.K. and what the process was. In Part II, which was last week, we just did A, which acknowledge your feelings. Then this week, I'm going to combine the last two, the S and the K, because it's easy to do it in one episode.

Last week we acknowledged our feelings. This week we're in the S of A.S.K., and S is slow down and get into your body. If you've been listening to my podcasts for a while, you know I'm a huge believer in this idea of happiness hacks and quick little weekly ritual challenges that get you into your body. I used to do a weekly ritual challenge every week with my podcast and on my newsletter and Instagram to encourage people this process of just getting into your body for 30 seconds.

So this doesn't have to be a huge meditation or a process of slowing down intensely. For those of us who are Type A personalities and go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, goes, which raise your hand if you can relate to that, the idea of slowing down and getting into your body is like the worst thing in the world. It is the last thing you want to do. Even myself, who knows how important it is, sometimes slowing down and getting into my body is extremely challenging, so I like these short mini ways that we can slow down and get into our bodies.

Something as simple as touching your toes, doing a quick neck roll, moving your neck from side to side, reaching up to the sky, doing some stretches, there are thousands of them. If you listen to any of my podcasts from last year or the year before, you will hear a weekly ritual challenge every week to give you some ideas. There are also more ideas in the book on how to slow down and get into your body.

When you're doing this process of A.S.K., it is implemented because you're being harassed by your monger. Your monger is basically being mean and nasty, and you need to hear from your biggest fan. That's the goal here. So the example I'm going to use today is a personal example for me from last week. I have recently decided to cut out sugar in my diet because white sugar had become a major food group, and so I needed to cut that out as well as adding more fruits and vegetables.

The thing is, I feel amazing doing it. It's one of the easiest switches I've ever made. I definitely miss sugar, but the benefits I'm getting are really positive, so I highly recommend it if anyone wants to try. I'm not being super militant. It's just white sugar like candy and cookies and desserts, that's mainly where I'm at with this. I've been doing that for a while and this week was an extremely stressful week.

I had a lot going on, it was a little overwhelming, so I noticed my monger was really chiming in a lot this week because that's when they tend to come out is when you're feeling overwhelmed. Ironically, when your monger comes out, then what tends to come out to "get your back" is your B.F.F. The B.F.F. is what I consider to be false self-compassion. So false self-compassion is the idea of go ahead, do whatever you want. It will be great, just go ahead and do it. Whatever you need, just do it. Doing what's fun and easy and isn't really there to hold your feet to the fire or make you feel more productive. They're just there to have a good time and make you feel better at any cost.

So backing up to I have cut out sugar in my life and had a really stressful week so my monger is chiming in telling me how much I'm doing everything wrong and how much I'm missing the boat. So I'm walking past Tim Horton's and my B.F.F. is like, "Go girl. Get some TimBits my friend. You really need some doughnuts. This will make everything better. Doughnuts will make everything better. You've had a tough week. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you're doing this sugar thing, but come on, TimBits, you'll just feel so much better."

So I went into Tim Horton's, and I got some TimBits and headed out the door. As I was walking out the door I was like okay, wait a minute. Do I want these TimBits? I've worked hard to get sugar out of my system, and sugar does not work well in my system and is this really what I want? My B.F.F. was like, "Yeah girl, you do because this week has sucked."

So I just want to put a pause in here to say that previously in my life, even a year ago I would have totally, and I mean Totally with a capital T, grabbed those TimBits and ran and would have believed every bit of that B.F.F. and would have thought this will fix everything. This will make everything better. I would have been wrong, but that is the power of the B.F.F. Just the idea that I know you're in all this emotional distress and I know all these things are happening that are out of your control, but doughnuts girlfriend, that's the key.

So now I can kind of pause when I hear that message and think really doughnuts? Is this really what's going to fix this? So at that moment, I paused as I was walking back to my destination with my TimBits in hand. I paused to A.S.K. and to acknowledge what I was feeling, which was stressed and overwhelmed and vulnerable and lonely and all those yucky feelings that we don't want to be feeling. Then I slowed down and got into my body.

That was simply just rolling my neck from side to side and feeling that I had a body underneath my head because that's what happens when we get into this monger B.F.F. fighting is we lose track of our bodies, and we're just in our heads. So just doing a simple stretch can slow us down enough to be like, "Oh yeah, I have a body here and how does my body feel right now?" Well, it feels stressed and really, my stomach's kind of upset and TimBits might not taste good with this upset stomach I'm having. It might not taste really good.

So just to give you some perspective on the slow down and get into your body.

Then I was able to kindly, kindly, that is the K, kindly pull back to see the big picture. When I pulled back to see the big picture, I was able to recognize TimBits, not so much going to make this better. It's not going to solve all your problems and TimBits; they taste good, so maybe having one or two TimBits, just experiment with it just to see how, you haven't had sugar in a while, let's taste some TimBits. Now's the time. You've got them, let's see what it tastes like.

I was able to kind of, I think of it as expanding your brain, giving yourself some wiggle room to kind of get out of that black and white thinking, which is the monger and the B.F.F. They go back and forth in you're a loser who can't control herself to go ahead, do whatever you want. It's been a really tough time. It's that black and white thinking that keeps us trapped, so by kindly pulling back to see the big picture we can be like, "Wait a minute, there are a lot of options here. I could throw away the TimBits. I could eat two TimBits and throw away the rest. I could give the TimBits away. I could eat the whole box of TimBits. I could eat the whole box of TimBits and feel great. I could eat the whole box of TimBits and feel awful."

There are lots of options here, so it goes on and on and on. That is why the word kindly is so key in this phrasing, because it needs to be I think kindly pull back to see the big picture. I can give myself some grace while I look around and see what the options are. So kindly pulling back, I could say to myself, "Okay, we've worked really hard to get sugar out of our system. It was not easy initially and do we really want to go back to that eating pattern again when it wasn't really serving us?"

I'm able to pull back from the idea that bad things are happening, you need to reward and into the idea of isn't the reward being kind to yourself and giving yourself food that makes you feel better and doesn't upset your stomach? What I ended up doing is I ate two TimBits. I gave myself, I pulled them out, and I sat myself down. I wasn't just eating them on the run. I sat myself down, I was like, "You're going to eat these TimBits and taste what they taste like. You're going to taste them, so you're either going to enjoy them and savor every bite, or you're going to be like yeah, I'm not so much on the TimBits."

I was shocked to find it was yeah, not so much on these TimBits. They weren't all that. I wanted something different. It didn't taste that great. So at that moment, it was just like oh, I don't want these TimBits and I was able to put them aside. The part about that that I want to share that was most amazing was that it was at that moment that time there may be another time where TimBits taste fabulous, and I eat the whole box, and that's okay.

But in this moment, the TimBits weren't that great and I ended up putting them aside and actually ended up throwing them away, which is a shock. I don't think I've ever thrown away TimBits in my life. The idea is that the monger and the B.F.F. keep us in this militant thinking, so if I throw away the TimBits this time, then I'm always going to throw them away. If I eat all the TimBits in the box, then I'm always going to eat all the TimBits in the box. It's recognizing that for this moment this is the choice I'm making in this moment right now and I may make a different choice around TimBits or sugar or fruits and vegetables next week.

All I have control of is at this moment. So that's the power of A.S.K. because it slows us down, it gets us out of that black and white thinking, and it allows us to see the variety of options. For those of us who are driven by perfectionism and people pleasing and go, go, go, go, go mentality, that act of giving ourselves grace and getting into our bodies and seeing the big picture is miraculous.

I am a huge fan of this system, obviously. It has been years of research and coming and making it happen, and the most amazing part of it is that even myself, every time I practice it I'm just like, "Wow, this really works. Wow, this really is a different way of looking at it." So I'm just excited to share it with you guys and I hope you can implement it in your own life to play around with it and see how it shows up for you.

The idea of getting rid of that black and white thinking and the arguing, constant arguing between the monger and the B.F.F. and bringing in the Biggest Fan who says, "Wait a minute, they're freaking TimBits. They're not miraculous. They're not going to heal everything, and they might taste good. Let's experiment here. Let's see what can happen with this."

That's A.S.K. in detail. There's a lot more detail about this in the book. I'll be talking about these concepts more as the months go along and diving into more about the inner critic and the monger, so I hope you will stay tuned for that.

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