Episode 048: Live Happier Through the Holidays Part 4: Grief
Part 4 of 6 Living Happier Through the Holidays: Grief
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This is part four of my Live Happier Through the Holidays Series and its grief. We're looking at grief this week so let's get into the show.
This week's theme we're looking at grief as we move through the holidays series, and if you've missed the previous episodes, which have been on priority setting and boundaries and joy, please go back and listen to those previous episodes. This week, we're specifically talking about grief, and I wanted to cover grief in the series because grief and sadness are a big part of the holidays for many people. It's a part that we don't talk about very much because, you know, like last week's episode, it's supposed to be about joy and happiness and, "Yay, it's the holidays."
For many of us, anytime we have that forced merriment, the opposite comes out, and that's grief. The holiday season is tough. It brings up traditions and memories, and we think of loved ones that we've lost. Either maybe we've lost them this year, or we lost them in years passed. We think of holiday traditions that have died or moved on, or we don't do them anymore. The holidays bring up change and grief, and sadness. That pressure of having the Norman Rockwell holiday that many of us don't have because you know it honestly doesn't exist, but we still have the pressure to have it; it brings up some sadness.
My first tip for you in living happier through the holidays with grief is to allow it. Give yourself permission not to be super merry all the time. Last week when we talked about joy, I stressed the importance that joy comes when we're intentional and when we're paying attention and looking for the moments of joy. So often, we push down our grief because we think we should be joyful or we should be happier; we shouldn't be feeling sad when in reality, we already are feeling sad—giving yourself permission to feel, to feel the sadness, to remember the loved one, to say their name, to bring up the memories.
The thing I've learned about grief and feelings is that it comes and goes when we allow ourselves to feel sad. With that idea that it's okay to feel whatever it is you're feeling and to just give yourself permission because when we don't allow it, we push it down, and it becomes harder. It becomes worse because we've pushed down the feelings rather than just allowing them to come up and have that bubbly surface. For me, I know I'm going through my grief. I've talked about my father's illness with dementia and Parkinson's, and it's so challenging to have someone, to watch someone disappear with such a terrible disease.
Someone can ask me, "How is it going with your dad?" I can tap into that grief in a second, and then I tap out of it in a second too. Just because someone asked, "How's your dad?" I may tear up. It doesn't mean the rest of the dinner is ruined because I teared up or I'm going to be in grief the rest of the time. No, when you allow that feeling, you can tap into it and tap back out of it. You move through your feelings. It does feel a bit like a roller coaster, but it also can smooth out and be like, "This is okay that I'm tapping into my grief, and now I'm tapping back out, and I'm going to be joyful."
That is the concept of living happier, that our feelings flow, and when we allow them, it doesn't become this huge spike or trough. It's just, "I'm feeling this right now, and then it's going to go away." The roller coaster of up and down and up and down is gentle and rolling. When we live in the place of I can't feel grief, and we hold ourselves from feeling it, then inevitably, we're going to enter that trough because it's too much to hold back. When we allow our feelings to come and go as they are, they roll around, and it becomes so much more fluid and loose. I encourage you to allow your feelings. I talked a bit about memories and having the memories.
I love the idea of a memory box or a memory stocking where if you've lost someone really important to you, you can write out those memories that you are thinking of when you think of that person around the holidays and then put them in the stocking or put them in that specific box. Then have time during the holidays to take those out and read them and share them with others so you can bring the memories alive and share them with other people so they can learn more about the person you love. It's a great way to bring the family together around someone who's gone and a great way to heal yourself through sharing stories. Then, the reminder that it's okay to skip holiday events.
Back in the previous episodes, I talked about making a plan for your holiday and getting specific about what you want to take part in or not take part in. As we move through the holidays, you may decide that the neighborhood party sounded fun at the beginning of December, but now it doesn't sound really fun. It's okay to skip holiday events or go for an hour and leave because it's just too much. Honor where you are with your grief and sadness and give yourself a break that you don't have to be holly jolly all the time.
Then just a simple tip of moving your body. I know that sounds easy, and a lot of times, when we're in grief and sadness, the last thing we want to do is to get out and move, especially when it's so cold outside. I encourage you to stretch or take a walk or do something that's honoring your body. Same with avoiding all, balancing out cookies and sweets and making sure that you're getting some foods and vegetables in addition to all the fatty foods that we eat around the holidays, and making sure that you're not over drinking because that just brings out more grief and sadness.
Give yourself a little balance and putting your physical health first. Then, finally, I have these two simple things that I want you to do just have in your brain and remember, and one of them is that everyone has a story. My favorite saying is, "Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides." The holidays are ripe for that. We spend a lot of time comparing our insides to everyone else's outsides. We see all these people around us being holly jolly and having a festive time and a wonderful holiday with all their friends, and we aren't feeling that internally. We allow ourselves to get sadder and more stuck in grief because we're in this comparison that isn't accurate.
What we're seeing on everyone's outsides is not the true story. Remind yourself that it isn't accurate to compare your insides to everybody else's outsides, and remember that everyone has a story. Everyone is suffering. Everyone is going through a loss or sadness or grief around this time of year, and so remember you're not alone in whatever it is you're struggling with. There are other people out there that also are struggling, and that's okay. Then, the final tip is embracing the do-over. A lot of times, when we're in sadness and grief, we get stuck in, we beat ourselves up for doing it wrong or not having the right response or feeling sad or whatever but allowing yourself to embrace the do-over means you can go back and say you're sorry.
You can go back and be like, "I wish I would have been able to come to that party, but I just couldn't do it," or, "I wish I would have said such and such, but I just didn't, and I apologize." Embrace that you can go back and do it repeatedly and say what you wanted to say, and not everything needs to be done perfectly right out the front door. You can take some time to embrace that do-over. Mostly, I just wish you a lot of grace and compassion for yourself around this time of year and going through the grief and the sadness and experiencing everything, the grief, the sadness, the joy, the holly jolliness of the holidays.
Give yourself permission to experience all that the holidays offer, which is joy and sadness and peace and sorrow and the whole thing. Every gamut of emotions is what this holiday brings up. Giving yourself the permission to ride that role that happens in life and allowing it to be, because when we do that, we don't get stuck in all of the drama and conflict because we're avoiding our emotions, so we throw them up on other people. When we allow ourselves to feel sad, when we're feeling sad, then we don't push it away and then yell at the dog because they did something wrong when it was that we were sad.
Give yourself permission to just be wherever you are and give yourself a lot of grace and compassion around it.