When Rules Become Rigid

"What would you say to watching a movie tonight?" my husband asked on a random Tuesday evening. 

My first thought was no; we can't watch a movie — it is a weeknight, and we have "shows" to watch on the DVR. But I said, "I don't want to watch a movie. Why don't we watch one of our DVR'd shows?" 

He kindly said yes, and as we were figuring out what show to watch and I dismissed a few of the ones he suggested, he asked me, "How do you decide what we should watch?"​

Before I could think about it, I matter of factly explained my system: "I rank the shows into tiers. The first tier is my favorite shows; the second tier is the next favorite, the third tier is Netflix or a movie, and the fourth tier is the DVR shows I don't care about." 

My husband looked at me, stunned. "Wow, I had no idea." 

I laughed and said, "I think I have a system for everything." 

And he said, "Well, not everything. I mean, what about going to the library?" 

And again, without pausing to think, I said, "Well, of course, it depends what you need at the library. Are you looking for a fiction book? A non-fiction book? Doing research or just killing time? Depending on your answer, you have a different path."​

That night I saw on a different level (a.k.a. spiraling up) how much rules and systems permeate my life. And the more anxiety I have, the more rigid these systems become.

Here are a few other ways these show up:

• Your morning routine: doing certain things in a particular order and bonus points if you do them faster than normal.

• At the grocery store: the order you walk through the store, the rules you have for organizing items for check-out.

• How you put away your kids' toys or organize their clothes.

• The order in which you clean the kitchen.

• The tasks you must finish before bed.

These systems themselves are fine. They can reduce our anxiety, give us something to focus on, and be entertaining (my three-tier system for choosing a TV show is hilarious). The problem arises when the rules become rigid and unrelenting when we beat ourselves up for "doing it wrong," even though we created the rules in the first place! When we yell at our loved ones for not adhering to our way. Then they become problematic.

It starts with recognizing our rules, and trust me, this is HARD. We often don't see them because they are so ingrained and have become part of us. Until I said it aloud, I had NO clue I had developed such an intense system for choosing what to watch on TV.

You might only recognize the rules when they get broken or when you notice yourself tensing up over something benign. Then ask yourself: Do I have a rule here? Am I being overly rigid? How can I add a little space here?

Sometimes after I notice a rule, I challenge myself to break it just to do it differently. For example: shaking up my morning routine and doing it in a different order. Loosening up that rigidity and reminding yourself the world won't crumble is helpful.

Special note: Remember to be kind about this practice. Your rules aren't something to shame yourself for; they are something to notice (maybe even laugh at) and loosen up, if necessary.

Who knows, I might even watch a movie this week on a weeknight! Gasp!!

What if You Stopped Assuming You Are Always Wrong?

The turn of the new year was clunky for me. Clunkier than usual. We had a crazy few weeks leading up to the holidays, and, of course, the holidays are always crazy (in a fun, seeing family, lots of together time, still overwhelming kind of way), so we took the last week of the year to do nothing. Netflix and the couch was how we spent our week, eating, sleeping, and lounging. It was the perfect way to end the year, and exactly what I needed, so I was surprised when the start of the new year felt bumpy.

Although I am not a fan of resolutions, the new year brings a chance to reflect and make plans for the coming year. (A helpful reminder that this can happen at any time; it doesn’t just have to be once a year.) One thing I knew I wanted to change was my focus on my to-do list. By the end of December, my to-do list and schedule were guiding my life. I had no idea what day of the week it was; I just knew to look at my schedule and check the next thing off my list. As you know, this is no way to live. It feels comfortable, but you miss so much of your life living this way.

The last few weeks of December felt like I was surviving and just getting it done. Not surprisingly, my anxiety was high. I had doubled down on my old survival mechanisms, and although from time to time I was practicing A.S.K and checking in with my coping skills, for the most part, I was just surviving.

As the heaviness of December left and I was looking at a fresh new year, I knew I had to make some changes, but I didn’t know what they would be. And then one day while walking the dog (I swear my best insights come while walking the dog!), I thought to myself: What if you didn’t assume you were always wrong? It was one of those whispers from my Biggest Fan. I immediately thought to myself, “that’s it!” That is what needs to change.

I realized that frequently my anxiety was high because my Monger was running the show with the message that whatever I was doing was wrong or I was going to do it wrong.

Meeting a client? I would do something wrong. 

Having lunch with a friend? I should be working, not socializing. Have you not seen the to-do list?

Going to the grocery store? I picked the WRONG time.

Writing a blog? I was going to say the WRONG thing. Too much or not enough. 

Everything I did was wrong, and it was getting old. So I decided my new saying was going to be, What if you didn’t assume you were going to do it wrong? And it was freeing.

Every day (many times a day) since this ah-ha in early January, I have been repeating this to myself, when I am doing something scary like networking or doing something easy like meeting a friend for lunch, and it has made a huge difference in my life. Slowly I am unhooking that default belief, so it is no longer default.

I share this message because maybe you need to hear the phrase, “Stop assuming everything you are doing is wrong.” Or maybe your message to yourself is something else. The part that most people miss about mantras, resolutions, or words of the year is they have to resonate with you. I mean, really resonate. To the core of your being, it has to fit.

I tried for days thinking about what I was struggling with: Was it standard Monger talk? Was it perfectionism? And finally, I stumbled upon this belief that of assuming that I was doing everything wrong. I now have a sticky note (you know I love sticky notes!) on my computer, and I try to repeat it to myself throughout the day. It has made a shift in me, if for no other reason than I realize how much it is the BELIEF that will always be wrong, not me.

It's Not About the Monger

Earlier this week, I had a great day. I had a few work successes and some amazing conversations. All and all, it was a good day, but I have to confess, good days are hard for me. Celebrating a win without naming where I can improve is challenging.

As I was cooking dinner, I realized my Monger was chiming in very loudly. As soon as I heard her, I started analyzing why she was so loud. What was she saying? Why was she saying it? I kept naming all the ways her message was unhelpful and acknowledged she always gets loud whenever I have some success. And that didn't help. Because it doesn't, analyzing your Monger (inner critic), trying to rationalize with her or figure her out, never helps. But this is what we do.

We spend a lot of time debating with her and trying to out-think her. I chat with my Coach in Your Pocket clients about this all the time. It isn't about your Monger. Once you hear your Monger chatting (which is the hard part), the next thing you do is bring in your Biggest Fan. And yet, we forget this rule all the time—even me, who teaches this stuff!! We are so comfortable listening to and debating the Monger that we forget to try to hear from that voice of wisdom and kindness.

So I took a deep breath, asked myself what I was feeling (fortunately, we have a feelings sheet hanging on our fridge), did a little wiggle in the kitchen, and asked to hear from my Biggest Fan. Her voice came in saying, "Girl, it was a great day! Yep, it feels unnatural to have a great day, but we got this. We are doing the work, and, yes, some days you will feel like a fraud, and that's normal. Just keep doing great work. One foot in front of the other." Almost immediately, I felt better.

We convince ourselves we are "doing the work" and "figuring it out" when analyzing the Monger. I used to have clients spend a lot of time on their Monger—drawing her, naming her, really getting to know her. And I was wrong. It isn't about the Monger.

Once you recognize your Monger is talking, stop listening to her, stop trying to figure out why she is talking, stop giving her your energy. Practice A.S.K. and listen for that quiet voice of kindness and wisdom.

Listen for the Biggest Fan. It is a game-changer.

The Temptation to Blow It All Up

Fear. It is a common theme when it comes to any type of change.

Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of just making a fool of yourself. 

Regardless of what the fear is, if we are contemplating a change, it is usually there. There is only one way to fight the fear (or the Monger), and that is by going through it. Unfortunately, going through the fear is hard! Fighting the fear involves intentionality, awareness, perseverance, and moving pebbles or even mountains.

Occasionally, I have clients who decide to bypass the Monger and just blow it all up. They "blow up" the parts of their lives that aren't working. Quit their job without a plan B, leave their spouse without explanation, or move to Denver with no notice.

From time to time, and for some people, this works. In fact, I quit a job with a very loose back-up plan in place. That being said, I didn't have a family to support and knew exactly how long the money in my savings would last. So although the decision appeared irrational, I had a plan, albeit a loose one, but it was a plan.

I am talking about the people who have no plan, who have no clue of a plan B, no regard for their values or priorities, or their family or loved ones hurting by their actions. My theory is that when you get the urge to just blow it up without measuring the consequences or the pain, fear is in the way.

I once worked with a client who had a lot of fear around leaving her job. Security was vital to her, as was supporting her family. However, she would frequently talk about just walking into work, giving her two weeks' notice, and going back to school. When she talked about doing this, her face would light up, and she would get very excited—usually a sign to me that someone is on the right track. In fact, she was on the right track, but she was trying to take the long road around the Monger rather than go through the doubts, insecurities, and fears.

This long road could involve debt, not being able to afford her child's college education, keeping her husband from pursuing his dreams, and taking time away from her children as she went back to school. While none of those things are life-threatening, they were very much against her values of financial security (e.g., no debt) and family (e.g., her husband's dreams, spending time with her children). So when she started talking about blowing it all up, I became curious about her fears. It turns out the Monger was running rampant in her brain. She was full of self-doubt, insecurity, and anxiety about going back to school.

The kicker is that even if she blew everything up and took the long road around the Monger and just quit her job and went back to school, she still has to face her fears at some point. She has to go through the Monger eventually. She has to deal with herself and face her doubts and fears about trying something new, going back to school, and risking her family's security. Because although her job is making her unhappy, it is her self-doubt and negative self-talk keeping her in that place. She has to learn how to deal with herself and make change within herself, facing the fear one step at a time.

Her fear isn't going anywhere; it will just be temporarily covered by the carnage of the "blow it all up" bomb. She will have to face all these doubts after causing her family thousands of dollars of debt and loss of valuable time, both things she highly values, OR she can face her fears one step at a time as she plans the best way to move forward. It isn't that quitting her job and going back to school is a bad idea.

The point is, there are two ways to go about her plan:

1. Blow it all up and deal with the pain and consequences later.

2. Make a plan for quitting her job and going back to school that fits with her values, priorities, and obligations.

I know when my clients get the temptation to blow it all up with no regard for the consequences, it means two things. 1. They are on the right path, and 2. We are in the midst of their Monger.

Change is not easy, and if there is one thing that gets the Monger active, it is when we are thinking about making a change. When we take one step at a time, face our doubts and fears, keep in mind our values and priorities, and make a plan, we can live happier.

Let's Start a Ban on Unsolicited Advice

I want to start a revolution, a Listening Revolution. It starts with a ban on unsolicited advice.

You know the situation. You have a problem. You are in pain. You are depressed, anxious, insecure, or sad. For example, you are frustrated with your job and looking for another one with no success, leaving you confused about what to do next. So tonight, you are looking forward to meeting a friend for drinks so you can cut loose, have fun, and vent some of your frustration. But halfway through your beer and your vent, your friend starts sharing a story about her job search or offering you tips on what you should be doing.

Do you feel supported? No. 

Do you feel loved? No.

Do you feel annoyed, insulted, and angry? Most likely.

Are there times we need advice? Yes. However, most of the time, we just need someone to listen. We know what we should do, and we might even know what we want to do (but just aren't saying it out loud). But when someone tells us what we should do, it immediately implies that we are handling it wrong. It immediately implies we are doing life wrong. Unsolicited advice isn't supported. Unsolicited advice is there to make the advice-giver feel like they are helping. Unsolicited advice, 90% of the time, makes the receiver feel like crap.

Unsolicited advice is a relationship killer. It shifts the power, and it stops the connection. 

Unsolicited advice might feel like it is coming from a loving place: "I am just trying to help" and "I have been there, so I have the wisdom to share." That may be true. And you might have the best intentions. But when you share your unsolicited advice, you aren't allowing that person to have their journey. You aren't allowing them to struggle, figure it out, learn, and grow. Instead, whether intended or not, you are telling them that you know better by telling them what to do.

So why do so many of us give unsolicited advice? Because it is easy, and we do want to help. Because watching someone else struggle is hard and challenging, especially if we have been there before. But think about your life, when you have been hurting and troubled. What was more helpful: the friend who hugged you and simply said "I love you" or the friend who said, "here's what you should do."

We all get stuck. We don't all move through a transition as fast as we want to. And in these moments, it is the people who have said to me, "I believe in you," and "You will get through this" and "Wow, that must be frustrating," who were the most helpful.

So what can you do?

Join the Unsolicited Advice Ban and catch yourself as you give unsolicited advice. At first, you won't notice it until after the interaction, and then gradually, you will start noticing it during the interaction. Whether you catch yourself before, during, or after, acknowledge it and own it. Then, apologize to the person you tried to "fix." Simply say, "I am sorry. I want to help, and I realize that giving unsolicited advice might not be the best way, so I am just going to listen."

Speak up when someone gives you unsolicited advice. Again, you may not notice until after the interaction, and then gradually, you will start catching yourself sooner. Simply say to your friend as lovingly as possible, "I know you are trying to help and your heart is in the right place, and right now I just need to vent. I just need you to listen" and "When I am ready for advice I will ask for it."

Unsolicited advice isn't evil—it just isn't as helpful as we intend it to be. Together we can stop, listen, and love in a whole new way! Just listen, don't fix, don't give advice, and don't help. Just listen—just support. Just have empathy. Simply say, "Wow, that sucks."

To Being Human

When I first started blogging, I would write bits of wisdom like "love yourself no matter what" or "stop competing with yourself."

We KNOW these things. We KNOW we should love ourselves no matter what and be our biggest cheerleaders. And there are thousands of articles out there telling us the same things over and over in different ways. How many times have you read these common tips?

Love yourself no matter what.

Set solid boundaries.

Take time to listen to yourself.

Live in the present moment.

If I were to write an article about these things, you would nod along and say, yes, of course, it makes sense. And then you would go out into the world and do your life as you always do it.

A big part of my job is saying, "but how?"

But how do you love yourself no matter what when you believe you have so much to work on? 

But how do you set solid boundaries and consistently hold them without feeling like a selfish bitch? 

But how do you listen to yourself when you have input coming in from all over all the time?

But how do you live in the present moment when you have 50,000 things coming at you at once?

The problem with all this advice? It is impossible to do consistently.

You are working against biology, genetics, trauma, and hard-wired survival mechanisms. Saying to someone the key to life is loving yourself no matter what, saying the key to life is consistently living debt-free with $500,000 in savings. It sounds good. It sounds like a great idea. And we all know it is impossible, so we don't even try.

That is what the self-help industry is doing to us. And those of us with High Functioning Anxiety are more prone to believe it.

The one thing we consistently look for is an answer to relieve our pain. And if the answer is these four things, we will try our hardest to accomplish them. At least we will talk a good game, discussing the importance of loving yourself no matter what. But we don't do it. Because doing it consistently is impossible.

Now you might be thinking, "Why should I keep reading? Why try to be happier if it is impossible?" Great question.

The key to living debt-free is making small, intentional decisions every day to be smart with your money. Some days you might be amazing with those decisions, and some days you might fail. But the key is to consistently make decisions that put you on a path of living debt-free.

The key to having less anxiety is making small, intentional decisions every day to be kind to yourself. To see yourself not as the enemy that needs to be punished and beaten into submission but rather as the only being you will be with for the rest of your life. You and your thoughts, feelings, ideas, actions, doubts, fears, quirks, likes, dislikes, joys, movements, all of you are who you will be with forever.

So rather than constantly trying to change you, let's try to be curious about you. 

The next time you make a mistake, instead of saying some version of, "you are such an idiot," say, "Wow, I just messed that up. What can I do to fix it? Who do I need to make amends to? How can I make sure it doesn't happen in the future?"

And most likely, after you answer those questions and take the necessary action, the "you are such an idiot" phrase will come back. So kindly say to yourself some version of, "Yep, I made a mistake. It sucks to make a mistake. But, I am human, and occasionally humans mess up from time to time, even me." On repeat. Over and over. Trying as hard as possible to focus on the behavior, not the worthiness factor.

When you do something amazing, rather than ignoring it or minimizing it as you tend to do, say to yourself, "Wow, I did that amazing thing. Go me! I make mistakes, and I do amazing things, all one big human being over here."

Recognizing the mistakes and the victories as being human helps us become more kind to ourselves and takes the pressure off. Too often, we are so focused on being perfect and doing it right; we forget we are human.

There Doesn't Have to Be an End Goal

When was the last time you did something for fun? Not because it would get you closer to your bigger goal, or because it would help someone, or because it made practical sense? When was the last time you did something just because it brought you joy?

I have noticed a pattern with myself and my clients who have High Functioning Anxiety: we don't experience joy for the sake of joy. EVERYTHING we do has to be practical, responsible, and serving a higher good. It is exhausting.

Clients have shared that if they get up in the morning and journal or work out, they know they will feel better, yet they don't do it. Not because they are lazy (although that is what they tell themselves) but because there are other more practical things to do in the morning: make breakfast for the kids, catch up on work, or even sleep. Waking up and journaling is something they have to choose to do mindfully, and it is only for them. It isn't for anyone else.

Another friend of mine shared that she loves painting. She has no formal training or experience, but it brings her such joy when she has taken a painting class. When I asked if she ever paints at home, she replied, "No. I would have to spend money on the supplies, and who has the time?" But if her daughter or her partner said they loved painting, you better believe she would move heaven and earth to allow them to paint.

This problem isn't just that people with HFA don't appreciate joy. In fact, I would argue most of my clients want to experience more joy!

The problem (as with most problems) is more complicated and nuanced than that. It is a multi-tiered problem.

Here are some of the reasons I have found:

Practicality: When we are impractical, our anxiety goes sky high. Doing an activity solely because it brings us joy will be counter to every message we have ever received. Being practical is a finely tuned coping strategy we have used to keep our anxiety at bay.

Permission: We rarely come first. Again, because if we put ourselves first, our anxiety goes sky high. By focusing outside of ourselves, we can keep our anxiety at bay.

Perfectionism: Doing something for the sake of doing something is anxiety-provoking because how will we know when we have done it right? When will we know to celebrate? Something as arbitrary as doing it because I want to doesn't give any guidelines for winning or losing!

So what do you do about it? How do you change your coping strategies when they have worked so well?!!?

Self-Loyalty: The crux of ALL my work is building loyalty with yourself. Giving yourself permission, getting to know yourself beyond the to-do list, trusting that voice inside of you that says "this might be fun." Make a commitment to yourself—the same as you would a friend or family member. You wouldn't break a commitment to your best friend, so why would you break a commitment to yourself?

Kindness: As you start trying to add more joy to your life, your Monger will get louder. As I said above, it goes against all you have taught yourself. That's okay. Be kind. You can say to yourself, "Well, hello there, anxiety. I thought you might pop up. Yep, I am painting, and I have no end goal. Just to enjoy myself, so move along, please." Years ago, someone suggested that I physically "walk the Monger" to the door and shut the door behind me as a way to symbolize I am not listening to this today. Try it! It sounds crazy, but it really works!

Practice: Start small. Make a commitment to yourself to do something that brings you joy for five minutes and gradually build up to 10, 20, 45, etc.

The first step is noticing the pattern. 

Notice how rarely you do something just for fun and slowly change that pattern.

Are You Listening to an Old Soundtrack?

Today I want to explore those thoughts and beliefs that we hold dear.

In many ways, they are like old songs that we play over and over. Maybe they were messages we received as children or based on experiences we have had. Maybe they are just inexplicably there. These thoughts and beliefs become well-worn paths in our neurology. They become neuronal pathways that we need to re-program.

Here are some examples:

• A friend disappoints you, and your Monger chimes in to remind you, “You can’t count on people. They always let you down.”

• A colleague asks you to chair the committee for a group you believe in, and your Monger reminds you, “You can’t lead. This isn’t going to go well at all.”

• Now that you are in your 30s and 40s, your life has taken a wildly different path than you thought in your teens and 20s. So now, whenever you are feeling down, you think to yourself: “See, you should have chased that dream of becoming a movie star. Instead, you settled in this life of being a parent, a spouse, and living in middle America. You sold out.”

All of these examples contain stories that your Monger tells you to protect you. To keep yourself safe from pain, shame, or disappointment. They aren’t merely excuses or limiting beliefs. They are stories that served a purpose. And that purpose might not be serving you anymore.

The challenge is, it is an unconscious process. Anytime one of these old stories gets triggered, your Monger puts a dollar in the jukebox and starts playing the same old song. The key is to catch the old song playing and pick a new song.

Let’s look at the examples again:

The “you can’t count on people” song

When you were in college, you went through some pretty painful breakups with friends. As a result, you learned some harsh lessons about how people can disappoint you. Now 20 years later, you are still using that lens to see all the relationships in your life. So when a friend disappoints you, your Monger (who remembers everything) automatically reverts to that old line, “You can’t count on people,” and you head down the path of feeling rejected and alone.

Every time someone disappoints you (which, by the way, is bound to happen because people are human and disappointment happens), your Monger starts playing the “you can’t count on people” song. Remind yourself that yes, you were disappointed in college, and yes, it was really painful, but now life is different, your friendships are different, and your coping skills are different. You got this. Shaming yourself and yelling at yourself for having limiting beliefs or making excuses won’t help. That will just make you feel crappier.

The “you can’t lead” song

Again, when you were in your early 20s, you tried to lead a group, and it was a disaster. Now you lead regularly as a manager at work and in other groups, you are a part of. Most of your peers would call you a leader. So this message is a very old song that your Monger repeatedly plays every time a leadership opportunity comes around.

Your self-talk is so important. To give yourself the kindness that yes, there was a time when leading did not go well. And now you are older and wiser and have much more experience. You learned from that disaster, and you are a better leader because of it. (Side note: you will have to say that to yourself repeatedly because your Monger will continually play the same old “you suck as a leader” song.)

The “you sold out” song

This is a standard song I hear my clients say. Whenever they are feeling stuck, disappointed, or insecure about their lives, their Monger will step in to say, “See, if only you wouldn’t have sold out, you would be happier.” This song is the worst because it does keep us stuck. There is nothing you can do about this song because it is in the past.

When you hear this song playing, remind yourself that yes, you made different decisions. You became a spouse and a parent and realized that pursuing the dreams of your teens and 20s would require sacrifices you weren’t willing to make at the time. Given where you are now, what can you do differently? Is there a part of that dream you can pursue now? Is there a different dream you want to pursue? What is the new song you want to play?

When you start paying attention to these old songs, you will be surprised by how often they show up. Be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up for surviving all this time isn’t helpful and honestly makes it worse.

Remind yourself that you have lived through some tough, disappointing times, and you can do hard things again. When you hear a familiar soundtrack playing, remind yourself that it is an old song, you are wiser now, and there might be newer versions that you want to listen to. And as always, be kind.

The Myth of Quick Change

We all know that real change is slow. And yet, when change is slow, we beat ourselves up for doing it wrong. The marketing industry has convinced us change is fast, and if you aren’t changing fast, you are doing it wrong.

We KNOW losing weight .5 to 1 lb. a week is healthier and more likely to stay off. And yet, how often do we beat ourselves up for not losing weight faster?

We KNOW getting in shape takes a long time. And yet, when we are out of breath walking up three flights of stairs after only one month of regularly working out, we beat ourselves up.

We KNOW acknowledging our feelings, practicing kindness, and learning new coping skills around our anxiety will take time. And yet, when we don’t do it perfectly in the first month, we beat ourselves up.

The myth of quick-change has derailed so many of my clients. The idea that they are doing it wrong, the change isn’t big enough or fast enough, or worse: they still have anxiety, so they MUST be doing it wrong.

The key to moving beyond the myth of quick change is to recognize the wins.

Having the awareness that you had a ten reaction to a two situation when you came home from a hectic day and yelled at your son for not raking the leaves. Initially, you might not notice it until the next day, and then slowly, slowly over time, you will notice it earlier and earlier:

1. after a few hours.

2. then a few minutes.

3. then you will notice it in the moment.

Each time you notice it—it doesn’t matter if it takes two days or two seconds—stop, celebrate that you noticed it, give yourself some kindness, apologize to your son, and start practicing A.S.K.

As you skip your morning walk to buy Starbucks for the third day in a row, you realize maybe your BFF is running the show. You celebrate that you noticed it, practice A.S.K., and make a plan for doing it differently tomorrow. Maybe morning walks aren’t for you, and you would rather walk in the evening? Or maybe you love morning walks, and you also love Starbucks coffee, so you decide to walk to Starbucks rather than drive. Slowly over time, you will catch your BFF talking sooner.

Quick change is a myth. As humans, we are biologically designed to change slowly. The marketing gurus can’t compete with biology. Tell that to your Monger next time she starts yammering about how slow you are changing, “It’s just biology.”

The Low Buzz of Anxiety

One of the differences between High Functioning Anxiety and Generalized Anxiety disorder is that there aren't panic attacks and fear. Instead, the anxiety takes shape in more of a low buzz.

I know I am in trouble, and I know my High Functioning Anxiety has taken over when I get stuck on the to-do list loop. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, I am running through my to-do list and mentally calculating what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, how long it will take me to get it done, and how bad a person I am for not getting it all done faster.

When I get stuck in this loop, I know I am avoiding something.

This state of the low buzz is going through the motions and reducing everything down to a list. We aren't feeling anything; we are just robotically checking things off the list. 

Let's take Linda, for example.

Linda wakes up, and from the moment her feet hit the floor, she is thinking about her day. As she hops in the shower, her thoughts drift to the conversation she had with her husband last night about their lives and what happens after the kids move out. But that thought doesn't last long because soon, her thoughts are filled with her ever-growing to-do list:

• Go to the grocery store

• Buy a gift for her friend's birthday

• Make a cake for the bake sale

• Finish the presentation for work

As she makes her way through her morning, she is thinking about coffee—breakfast—getting gas—driving to work—getting to the meeting.

At the meeting, she is thinking about lunch—what to buy her friend for her birthday—her conversation with her husband the night before—the pile of work on her desk.

At lunch, she is thinking about getting back to work to finish the presentation—the shopping list—when she will make the cake—her talk with her husband last night.

At the grocery store, she rushes through the aisles looking for the quickest way, and the whole time she is thinking about dinner—her work presentation—making that damn cake.

As she pulls into the garage, she realizes she forgot to buy the present for her friend.

This is HFA at its finest because Linda was going through the motions of her life all day long, but she was in no way living it. She looked like she was living—she even looked high functioning—but her internal to-do list was consuming her every thought. No matter where she was, she wasn't ever fully there; she was constantly on to the next thing.

This is living in the low buzz of High Functioning Anxiety.

The problem of living in the low buzz is we aren't feeling anything. Instead, we are controlled by our obsessive to-do list and other thoughts that keep us trapped in our heads. This pattern feels bad, but it does benefit us and keeps the anxiety at bay. As long as we concentrate on our to-do list, we don't have to feel anxiety.

We get trapped in this low buzz world for a variety of reasons, including habit or comfort. But what is underneath that habit? Why is it MORE comfortable to live in a low buzz than to live fully engaged? Because when we live fully engaged, we have to feel stuff—and we have to acknowledge that anxiety!

If Linda were to fully engage with her life:

She might have to feel the pain of being an empty-nester and deal with the uncertainty of just her and her husband again. What if their marriage can't make it? What is she going to do with her time? What if it is too hard?

She might have to ask herself if she really likes her job. Is this where she wants to be in five years? Does she want to retire here?

She might have to ask herself: Do I like my life? Am I happy with what is going on?

She might have to feel what is really happening in her life.

The low buzz keeps us from feeling both the pain in our lives and the joy as well. When we get caught up in the low buzz, we don't allow room for anything other than the to-do list and getting things done. No room for anxiety there. At least, that is what we are telling ourselves. But in reality, we are feeling anxiety. Anxiety about cakes and cards. Anxiety about doing the grocery store the quickest and most efficiently.

So yes, we are feeling anxiety, but I have found in my life that the more I allow space for the pain and grief of life, the more I have room for the joy and happiness of life. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but if you want more joy in your life, be more authentic about your pain.

So the next time you notice yourself in this low buzz mentality, try to:

1. Take a pause and breathe.

2. Reconnect with yourself. Put your hands over your heart or on your legs. Remind yourself that you have a body. One of the main traits of low buzz mode is that we are only in our heads; we live cut off from our bodies.

3. Engage in the moment. If you are at the grocery store, really BE at the grocery store. Notice the food, the people, the squeak of your cart. Use your senses to engage with what is around you.

4. When you notice the to-do list mantra coming in, remind yourself you don't have to engage. Imagine your thoughts are on a conveyor belt. You can choose to pick them up or not. In your mind's eye, put the to-do list of thoughts back on the conveyor belt.

5. Be kind to yourself. As you start to engage less with the to-do list and more with your present life, anxiety will surface—and that's ok. Be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself as if you would your eight-year-old niece. The to-do list obsessing prevents you from being present to your feelings and insights around painful (or joyful) subjects.

Repeat the above steps as frequently as necessary, and yes, initially, you will be repeating it frequently. But the more you can bring yourself back to the moment and be kind and curious about what you are feeling, the less the low buzz will take over your life.

Judgy Much?

One way we protect ourselves from the judgment of our Monger (inner critic) is to start judging other people. In my book The Happier Approach, I talk about three characters: The Monger (inner critic), The BFF (false self-compassion), and our Biggest Fan (the voice of wisdom and kindness).

Today I want to talk about the BFF, the voice that is often misunderstood. Clients often tell me they understand the Monger and the Biggest Fan, but they aren’t sure if they have a BFF voice. If you have a Monger, you have a BFF.

The BFF is full of drama. (When I named her, I was picturing an “Oh My God!” stereotypical valley girl who would call her friend her “BFF, I mean like, TOTALLY!”). She is always up for anything, has a feeling of superiority, isn’t afraid to be judgy and gossipy, and thinks you are perfect even when you call in sick, binge Real Housewives, and eat a bag of chips until you are ill.

I used to love my BFF. She was a welcome relief from my Monger, who would shame and belittle me all day long. Meanwhile, my BFF would jump in to relieve the pressure and encourage me to do “fun” stuff like drinking some wine, eating some ice cream, or binging a TV show (or two). But then I realized that wasn’t the only way my BFF was showing up. She is a bit more sneaky than that.

Here are some other ways she hurts us:

She loves to judge other people. Whenever you engage in the judgment of others, that is usually your BFF.

Imagine this: You are at a party, and you notice an acquaintance wearing a dress, but you are wearing jeans. Immediately and unconsciously, your Monger starts talking, “You are so underdressed. Why did you wear jeans? Such a slob.” Without thinking, you walk over to a friend you know well and say, “Look at Molly — she is wearing a dress! Talk about overdressed for the occasion.” “I know! She has to be so uncomfortable,” your friend says, who is also wearing jeans!

Examples like that happen all the time. Anytime you hear yourself judging someone else, slamming their opinion, making fun of their clothes, think of your BFF.

Most likely, your BFF is attempting to protect you from your Monger, but her protections end up making you feel more petty and vindictive and do not work.

For me, my BFF comes out any time I am listening to someone who has a different opinion than me, whether it be something heated like politics or benign like what to have for dinner. If they have a different opinion than me, my BFF will immediately attack them and become this mean, petty person.

Over the years, I have been able to recognize this, so now the first thing I say to myself when I hear my BFF slamming someone for their thoughts is, “we are all allowed to have different, equally valid opinions.” Slamming them isn’t going to make my opinion more valid; it is just going to keep me from learning something new.

Our BFF’s other skill? Self-sabotage.

Our BFF is the first to encourage us to take the day off, stop pushing so hard, procrastinate. This behavior is why many people believe they need their Monger to shame and belittle them into action — basically, their BFF is just a little too loud. That is a myth.

The truth is you don’t need the Monger; you just need to quiet your BFF. Notice yourself procrastinating, making choices that aren’t supportive of your goals, always saying to yourself next Monday. I will finally _______. All of that talk is your BFF.

You can see how the cycle works: Monger jumps in to remind you how terrible you are and what a disappointment you are. BFF jumps in to stick up for you and release some of the pressure of your Monger. They both might be well-intentioned (your Monger trying to motivate you and your BFF trying to keep you happy), but the results leave you feeling miserable and stuck.

Enter the Biggest Fan. She is the voice who has your back and is kind. She motivates you with kindness rather than shame or judging other people. She is wise and kind.

Everything Is Not Your Fault

Those of us with High Functioning Anxiety have very loud Mongers. That inner critic voice is all-powerful and frequently convinces us we have a lot of power too.

According to our Monger, we can:

• get fired by missing one phone call.

• make someone hate us by accidentally forgetting their name.

• lose a friendship of 10 years because we are too busy to call someone.

• scar our child for life by missing one soccer game.

• cause our spouse to fall out of love with us by wanting to go upstairs and read rather than watch TV.

Sounds pretty ridiculous, right? But I am sure you can relate.

People with High Functioning Anxiety are the kindest, most giving people I know—and they also way overestimate the power they have in the world. The truth is when our Mongers convince us that EVERYTHING is our fault, it can give us an over-inflation of our power. 

Here are a couple of ways that shows up:

We catastrophize everything.

The examples above are types of catastrophizing, taking one small incident and blowing it up to be life-changing. Our Monger sure does love extremes!

When you catch yourself catastrophizing (which is hard to do and might not happen until well after the situation), lovingly remind yourself you aren't that important. Think about what would happen if the situation were reversed. Would you divorce your spouse because he/she wanted to read rather than watch TV? Would you fire someone for missing one phone call?

We love to solve other people's problems.

Because our Monger convinces us we are all-powerful, we often believe we can solve someone else's problem before they can. I call this getting in someone else's car.

We do this all the time. Is your husband having a bad conversation with his mom? No problem! You can just call her and make it better. Did your son get in trouble at a school? No problem! You can call the teacher and make sure everything gets smoothed over.

When we solve other people's problems, we hurt all parties involved. When you notice yourself getting in someone else's car, calmly remind yourself you are not all-powerful and get back in your own car.

The next time you hear your Monger trying to convince you it is all your fault, pull back and ask yourself, "Where is the gray here? What is another way of looking at this situation?"

Cookies, Plants, and Shoulds

People dealing with high functioning anxiety perceive the world as a continuous flow of deadlines to be met. As a result, there is a constant need to evaluate and re-evaluate, plan, check and re-check. Over and over.

Analyzing what happened that day and how well you did (or didn't do) and looking toward the future to worry about what is coming up. The irony? No matter how much you plan, worry, or analyze, you are still constantly failing. Your Monger will make sure of that by continually pushing the line of success so you never quite make it.

High Functioning Anxiety is rooted in shame and the feeling of unworthiness. People with HFA believe we are not worthy at our core, and we don't want anyone else to find out. This core belief leads us to hustle, push, worry, and try to control everything around us. We believe if we can "do it right" and "follow the rules," we can protect ourselves from the inevitable failure and criticism that we deserve.

The irony is that while we can't protect ourselves from other people's judgment, we can control ourselves from our own judgment.

Let's say you are a fantastic baker. You make a mean chocolate chip cookie. If someone were to criticize your cookie baking, you might feel a tinge of doubt, but rather quickly, your Biggest Fan would step in to say, "Hmm, I wonder if their feedback has any validity?" Because you are so confident in your cookie baking, you can hear the criticism, take it or leave it, and move on.

So what is the difference between cookie baking and every other area of your life? You feel confident in your cookie baking; you KNOW you are a good cookie baker.

So now, let's take another example. You are a terrible gardener. When anyone gives you a plant, it is dead within a week. When someone criticizes you about your gardening, you can laugh it off because you KNOW you aren't skilled at gardening, and you are okay with that.

Here we have two examples: one where you are absolutely amazing and one where you are terrible. And neither one of them are areas where you put a lot of stock in your Monger. You KNOW where you stand. You have a strong loyalty to yourself in those two areas.

One more example. Let's say you hate presenting. When you are called upon to present anything, you immediately freak out because your Monger is so loud. She tells you how terrible you, how THEY (the terrifying THEY) are going to figure out you are a loser who is unworthy of your job. You start spinning out, losing sleep, and dreading going to work, all because of a presentation. What is the difference between this example and the previous two? Why can't you ignore your Monger like you can with the others?

One word. Should. SHOULD gets in the way of KNOWING. In the first two examples, you are comfortable with your success and limitations, but you get caught up in the should in the third example.

You SHOULD be a better speaker. You SHOULD be able to speak without getting stressed. You SHOULD be confident and excited to speak. That SHOULD word gets in the way of your self-loyalty.

Instead, what if the next time you notice your Monger talking and sharing how THEY are going to find out you hate speaking, you say to yourself, "I do hate speaking. I don't feel confident about it. They might figure out that I am a terrible speaker." From that place of honesty, you can ask for help, reach out to people who know more than you and stop pretending.

Because HFA is rooted in feeling unworthy, we feel we need to protect the world from our failures. Never let them see you sweat takes on a whole new meaning. We need to be experts at EVERYTHING. We need to be responsible, practical, and accountable. We can't possibly admit weakness.

Admitting weakness is the key. Because then we can ask for help, get advice, make a change, or decide not to engage in that activity. Owning who we are, warts and all. There is so much power in that.

What if You Are Lazy?

I spent much of my life thinking I needed to be fixed, healed, or changed. I read every self-help book, listened to hundreds of webinars, had therapy, did coaching, and attended many retreats. I knew I was broken, and I thought the answer was something outside of me. Until I could find that magical solution, I tried to cover up all my flaws through hustling and striving, only to realize I always came up short.

I was constantly avoiding the parts of myself I disapproved of, walling myself off and becoming more and more robotic. It was exhausting.

Things shifted when I finally started listening to myself—really listening. I realized maybe the answer wouldn't be found out there; maybe I needed to start getting to know myself: warts and all.

When my Monger would start talking, I began using the phrase, "What if I am?"

My Monger would say, "You are so lazy! You SHOULD be pulling weeds rather than sitting on the couch." And I would ask myself, "What if I am lazy? Is that the worst thing in the world? Being lazy?"

At first, it was a little jarring—and to be honest, it still is—because internally, I gasp and tell myself: you can't be lazy; you can't admit that! You are a hard worker. You are the person everyone goes to get stuff done! What if your neighbors see how lazy you are?!

The truth is both are true: I am lazy sometimes, and I am a hard worker sometimes. When it comes to weeding, I am definitely lazy. My neighbors definitely know that. And that's okay. If they want to judge me for my weedy lawn, that is on them. That is their wasted energy, not mine. So freeing.

I realized that my anxiety tells me if I pretend it isn't true, it must not be true. It is the same logic as a two-year-old who thinks you disappear when they close their eyes. It sounds absolutely crazy as I type this, but I see it in my clients all the time.

When I ask, "What if you are lazy?" they look at me aghast. Then I follow it with, "that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. You are human. And from time to time, humans are lazy." Then they have the look of freedom come across their face, and they smile and say, "Yes, I am a bad mom sometimes, and I am also a fantastic mom." BOTH are true.

There is so much freedom in realizing you aren't broken. You aren't doing it wrong. You are human. Humans are complex. Humans are imperfect. Humans are messy. So let's be human together.

The next time you hear your Monger criticizing you, ask yourself, "What if I am?" and give yourself room to be human.

The B.S. of "Love Yourself for Who You Are"

One of the coping skills for people with High Functioning Anxiety is to challenge themselves constantly.

You may believe that as long as you stay busy, keep achieving, and constantly better yourself, then one day, you will be calm, relaxed, and content. Sound familiar?

The problem is that peace never comes. Why? Because as soon as you hit one success, you are on to the next one. This constant push-push-push leaves you feeling forever incomplete. You realize something is always missing.

During your moments of peace and relaxation, you can recognize the insanity of this struggle to constantly improve. You know that you will never reach that magical place of perfection, yet you keep pushing and hustling.

The common wisdom to help people who struggle with this never-ending chase is "love yourself for who you are." As if it is a switch that can be flipped, and you can suddenly love yourself unconditionally.

It reminds me of the time I was in Amsterdam, and a stranger approached me to ask a question in Dutch, and I responded in French that I only spoke English. Telling someone with HFA to love themselves no matter what is how the stranger on the street felt. What? What are you saying? That makes no sense. How do I do that?! It is a completely foreign concept. It is counter to everything you have ever been taught or believed.

So what do people with HFA do when they are told to love themselves no matter what? You take it on as a personal challenge. You try your hardest to do it; you push and push to accept yourself no matter what. And when you can't, you beat yourself up, and then you beat yourself up for beating yourself up because you failed yet again at "accepting yourself no matter what." This brings you back to the conclusion that you can't do it. It is confusing and frustrating because there are so many things you don't like about yourself, lots of areas for improvement, lots of traits that you want to change.

Rather than accepting yourself no matter what, try being kind to yourself no matter what.

Maybe one of the traits you hate the most is how you obsess about your kids and their happiness. When you catch yourself obsessing and thinking, "Ugh, there I go again! I am so annoying. I must be crazy. I just obsess and obsess and obsess..." Instead, be kind.

Smile at yourself and say, "Wow, there I go again. I just love my kids so much. I want them to be 100% safe and happy. But I have no control over that — which is so annoying but true. So is there any action I need to take to help them, or do I just need to let this go?"

Trust me, I understand the challenge of this concept, the foreign language I am speaking right now. Because yes, these traits can be annoying. Yes, you want to change and improve and be perfect. And yes, you know perfection doesn't exist. But shouldn't you still be striving?!

Striving without grounding goes nowhere. Where people with HFA go wrong is the strongly held belief that change only comes from belittling and shaming.

I challenge you to start adding the belief that change can come from kindness. You are not your own enemy. You are your own partner in crime, your own biggest fan, your own cheerleader.

Self-hatred doesn't bring long-term peace and contentment, but self-kindness does.

Ten Reaction to a Two Situation

Whenever I speak about the Happier Approach and High Functioning Anxiety, the idea of a ten reaction to a level two situation gets the most head nods from the audience. Our anxiety/Monger plays in our heads all day long, and we work hard to suppress it, push it down, and ignore it in hopes that it will go away. (F.Y.I., this doesn't work... Trust me, I have tried it and still try it now and then, and it never works. Colossal failure every time.)

The problem is all of that anxiety, and all of that emotional tension has to come out somewhere. So, where does it come out? Usually, on those, you love the most and definitely over something so small that it wouldn't even make the radar on a "normal" day.

For Example:

All day long, your Monger has been flipping out about an upcoming presentation you have. So when you come home and find your son hanging on the couch and playing video games with his friends, food bags everywhere, you LOSE it.

You are obsessing about your upcoming vacation with the in-laws — you are excited about getting away, but you are dreading seeing your sister-in-law, whose favorite pastime is bragging about her kids and one-upping yours. So when your husband asks if you have packed the kids yet, you LOSE it.

You were up half the night worrying about a conversation you had with your boss. Then, when the first thing your daughter asks is, "What's for breakfast?" you yell at her for being rude and selfish.

When you notice yourself having a level ten reaction to a level two situation, it does not mean you should pile on and start telling yourself what a jerk you are. But we all know that is the first thing that will happen.

So the first step is to give yourself some grace. Ask yourself, "Ugh, what is going on? Why am I screaming at my kids, spouse, family?" Remind yourself that this reaction serves as a sign that your Monger/anxiety is looming large. 

Second step: apologize to those you lost it on, explain what is going on, and ask for a do-over. Then do the do-over and handle the situation differently — more calm, kind, and loving.

Our anxiety is so mixed with shame that we often forget to own our behavior fully. We don't want to admit we made a mistake because we know our Monger will eat us alive. Ironically, one of the best ways to quiet the Monger is to own our mistakes, admit when we mess up and ask for a do-over. We make mistakes, and our anxiety gets the best of us, but that's okay because we can do it differently.

The third step is to practice A.S.K. 

As a reminder, A.S.K. is:

1. Acknowledge your feelings.

2. Slow down and move your body.

3. Kindly see the big picture.

A level ten reaction to a level two situation is common among those with High Functioning Anxiety. It is a human reaction to too much negative stimulation. So own your mistake, do a do-over, and practice A.S.K. Give it a try the next time you have a ten reaction to a two situation.

Special Note: I would be remiss if I didn't advise you to never — I repeat, never — tell someone with H.F.A. that you think they might be having a ten reaction to a level two situation, even if it is true. It will not go over well. Instead, ask them how they are feeling or how their day went. Show empathy and be supportive.

Never Enough

The challenge with High Functioning Anxiety is how socially acceptable it is — there is a fine line between "normal stress and anxiety" and HFA. Hopefully, these posts will make that line a little more clear.

People with High Functioning Anxiety always arrive early, meet deadlines, and exceed expectations. Sounds healthy, right? We should all strive to be "good people" in this way. The problem is the level of fear and anxiety clients with HFA feel about hitting all these expectations. Here are some examples:

Arriving late to a meeting.

 Carol: Feels bad and apologizes to the group but can move on without much incident.

 Cynthia: Apologizes profusely to the group. She can't concentrate throughout the meeting because her Monger is so loud for being late.

On her yearly review, she receives "Exceeds Expectations" in four categories and "Meets Expectations" in one.

Carol: Takes her husband out to celebrate her four "exceeds expectations" marks! She is pumped that she did so well. 

Cynthia: Wakes up at 3am convinced she might lose her job and obsessing about her "meets expectations" rating. She can't sleep because she has to figure out how to move that to an "exceeds expectations" score.

Fears she won't hit the deadline on her part of the project.

Carol: Tells herself it is fine since no one else has hit the deadline — she is only going to be one day late as opposed to Frank, who was five days late.

Cynthia: Stays up until midnight to finish her project on time. Even though no one cares that she "technically" hit her deadline, Cynthia can sleep well knowing she pulled her weight.

People with HFA have an underlying belief that they are going to be found out. The world will see that they are failures, and they have to push and hustle to make sure that doesn't happen. So mistakes are more confirmation that they aren't okay, and yet praise can't be trusted. The anxiety covers up that underlying belief of never being enough. As long as you are living your life trying to fill that hole with hustle and achievement, your anxiety will never go away.

To deal with your HFA, you have to do all the things it tells you not to do.

1. Acknowledge your feelings. Anxiety convinces us that feelings are bad, but feelings are just feeling, not good or bad. When we can acknowledge them, we start building loyalty with ourselves, trusting our own experience, and honoring our perspective of the world.

2. Slow down and move your body. Our anxiety wants us to stay in our heads, ruminating and analyzing, so we become so wrapped up in our heads that we forget we have a body.

3. Kindly see the big picture. Our anxiety keeps us thinking in black and white or as winners and losers. When we can see the big picture, we can notice that the scenarios we are worrying about have many different options.

When we can recognize the trance our anxiety puts us under, we can start taking baby steps to unhook it and move forward.

How do I Talk Nicer to Myself?

Years ago, when I started teaching about the Monger and 'that negative voice in my head,' I would spend a lot of time talking about the Monger and never talked about the counter to the Monger, what I now call the Biggest Fan. Truthfully, this is because my Biggest Fan's voice was so quiet, so I didn't know how to 'teach others to hear it. I knew how to recognize the Monger. I was VERY familiar with her voice and her negativity, but the Biggest Fan, that voice of kindness and wisdom, she was almost a whisper. 

One of the top questions I get is, ok, how do I hear from the Biggest Fan? What does her voice even SOUND like? 

Here are a few tips I have learned to help bring in her voice. 

Slow down. Your Biggest Fan's voice is calm and quiet, and often, it is hard to hear it over the noise in our heads. We have to slow down to hear her voice. This means not multi-tasking, feel your body, aka remind yourself you have a body.

Pick a term of endearment that she can say.  I love the term of endearment 'Sweet Pea', so I start talking to myself, saying, "Ok, Sweet Pea, what do you need?" "Oh, Sweet Pea man, oh man, that just sucks" Just hearing that term of endearment brings a giant exhale to my body, and then I can fill in the rest of the sentence. Pick a name that works for you, "Dear," "Pumpkin," "Lovey," "Sweetheart," "Girlfriend," etc.

Look in the mirror. I noticed a few months ago when I would go to the bathroom and wash my hands. I wouldn't look at myself in the mirror. Now I use that bathroom time as a time to connect with my Biggest Fan. As I am washing my hands, I will look at myself in the mirror. I will look at my eyes and say silently to myself, "Hello there, Sweet Pea. How is your day going?" When I started doing this, I would inevitably tear up because I was longing for that connection with myself, that ability to really SEE me and not just live solely in my head. 

Practice using AND.  Using AND is a great place to start because sometimes it is hard to be 100% kind to ourselves. We can say, "ugh, today sucked, AND you don't have to beat yourself up about it. Or "I dropped the ball in that meeting, AND I was able to answer Linda's question, so the whole thing wasn't terrible. Saying AND doesn't mean whitewashing away the negative side. It allows you to acknowledge both the bad and the good. 

Talk to yourself like you would your 16-year-old niece. When you are in the midst of a full-on Monger attack and can't get out of it, think of your 16-year-old niece (even if you don't have one, imagine her) and tell her what you think she needs to hear. I love the idea of your niece rather than your daughter or your best friend because we talk differently to our nieces. We love them with all our hearts and want what is best for them, but we aren't 'responsible for molding them and shaping them. Similarly, we need to be talking to ourselves with kindness and wisdom, not instruction or advice — just good old-fashioned love. 

You Don't Have to Enter the Hospital to Rest

I have been reading the book Achiever Fever by Claire Booth; she is one of my first interviews for the new podcast The Happier Approach (releasing the first week of September!) In the book, she talks about feeling so tired and overwhelmed. To the point where she was secretly wishing she would get into a car accident and be forced to stay in the hospital for a few days (no significant injuries to her or the car) just for the chance to sleep, rest and stop moving. I could relate to this story and even shared it with a couple of clients who also agreed. We were all embarrassed to admit it was true and found comfort that we weren't alone in our wish. 

This story sounds crazy, but in reality, for those who are longing for forced rest, what we are seeking is permission to rest. We want that permission so badly. We can't give it to ourselves, so we wish for harm to come to us so that we can check out of life for a while rather than risk disappointing people or letting people know we 'can't handle everything.' It sounds crazy when I type it, and yet I know I am not alone. 

We want permission: 

• to be ourselves,

• to stop the hustle,

• to rest,

• to be enough just as we are,

• to stop trying to do everything right,

• to just be

• to do whatever we want whenever we want.

And we convince ourselves that somewhere out there is the permission.

• When we achieve the right amount of success

• When we get married

• When we have kids

• When our kids enter school

• When our kids are grown

• When we love our job

• When we are older

• When we retire

• When we cross some imaginary made-up line.

On and on, the line keeps moving. That almighty line of permission keeps changing. The thing is, the only person who can give us permission is ourselves. I know you are thinking, "Duh Nancy, I KNOW that." Logically, we all know this fact. It isn't like that statement is a great ah-ha.

And yet, each day, we start on a quest to win permission. TO FINALLY BE ENOUGH so we can relax, stop hustling, and accept ourselves flaws and all.

Even though we logically KNOW we are the only ones who can give ourselves permission to stop hustling. We tend to blame everyone else and ourselves:

• If my Mom wasn't so needy.

• If my son didn't have special needs.

• If my husband did more around the house.

• If my boss just understood how much I have on my plate and how hard I am working.

• If only I weren't so lazy.

• If only I didn't make so many mistakes.

• If only I didn't need to go to bed so early.

So here's the secret. Here's how you can stop the hustle, stop the blame, and quiet that Monger. 

Accept where you are. Accept that you are tired, overwhelmed, and can't do it all. Own that your plate is overflowing (for a variety of reasons).

Stop looking at the WHY and start looking at the WHAT.

The question isn't WHY can't I give myself permission?

The question is, WHAT do I need to accept about myself so I can quit seeking permission?

Start with acceptance—noticing when you are feeling overwhelmed and giving yourself some extra love. Telling yourself, "This is hard. We have way too much on our schedule today, lots of deep breaths, we can get through this." And then gradually, you can say, "What do I need to take off of the schedule so I can rest more? What is really important here?"

The Contradictions of High Functioning Anxiety

One of the hardest parts about High Functioning Anxiety is all the contradictions. Here are just a few:

• You crave peace, yet your anxiety tells you that you need to always be in control.

• You want to be seen and loved for who you are, yet your anxiety tells you that vulnerability is a weakness.

• You are tired of feeling overwhelmed and frantic, yet your anxiety tells you BAD things will happen if you let your guard down.

• Internally you are so full of doubt and stress, and every cell in your body is screaming, "can't you SEE how stressed I am!!?!" yet your exterior is full of smiles and responses like, "I would be happy to help!"

• You appear to have it all together on the outside, yet on the inside, you struggle with insomnia, headaches, stomach pains, and insistent self-doubt.

These contradictions make treating HFA challenging. Because a client shows up to my office all smiles, telling their story with limited emotions, sharing their goals with determination and confidence, and following the lead of their anxiety, which tells them 'never let them see you sweat.' They want help, want to stop feeling this way, and yet the brainwashing of anxiety is intense.

Their anxiety has told them that a good person is strong, decisive, and should always know the why of a situation. Because they live in their heads, people with HFA are great at figuring out the why of a scenario. They LOVE analyzing why they do a particular behavior. Usually, if a client is excited to see me, they have a "why" they need help figuring out. 

For years, this is where I went wrong. Rather than helping clients see all the contradictions above and how their HFA was getting in their way. I followed my own HFA down the why path and would get caught up in debating the why with my clients. Clients would have a huge ah-ha and feel good about themselves (and so would I), and then in a few days, after the why high wore off, they were back to feeling full of anxiety and on to analyzing another situation for the way to feel better. Unfortunately, I let my anxiety keep both of us stuck in the why. 

The truth is the why doesn't matter, not when it comes to treating anxiety. All of that analysis doesn't help. It's fun. It provides an insight that can help us know ourselves better. But as far as treating anxiety? Understanding why we do certain things is just an exercise in mental masturbation. 

Now I am clear, it is my job to call out these coping strategies kindly. To lovingly hold up a mirror to the lack of emotion, the confidence, and the veneer of "I got this," so we can get underneath all those contradictions and start building loyalty with yourself, honor your experience, and stop letting anxiety run the show. 

Here's what helps:

• Take a hard look at the contradictions above and notice them play out in your life. When we can see our anxiety traps, we can start breaking them down one by one. (Maybe your contradictions are different. I would love to hear them in the comments below if you want to share.)

• Pay attention to how we feel and allow those emotions to come to the surface rather than letting anxiety beat them down.

• Talk with someone who knows that our mask of 'having it all together is a mask, and we need to be able to remove it now and then, even if it is one of the hardest things we have ever done.